486: The Gospel According to Scrooge

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Ann's mom also hates that movie, and they watch it.

Ann's dad and Ann, and they make like the whole family watch it at Christmas, and it's odd.

And Ann's mom is just roasting it the whole fucking time.

And I was like, oh, I can get in.

This is great.

Oh, if only there was some kind of precedent within the Muppets for two people standing back and roasting the whole thing.

Oh, it's just like you're retreading ground that they've already fucking got.

You stand on the shoulders of giants.

Gonzo crawled so that we could walk.

God-awful

movie.

Movie.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, or darkness shall descend over the land.

More.

Yes, I'm your host.

Yeah, no, even more, though.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend, Heath and Wright.

Heath, welcome back.

We got a musical this week.

Yeah.

Come on.

I'm just, I can't.

Christmas musitacular, right?

I should just care of this shit from here, right?

Just,

I thought you were going to sing the rest of the show.

My bad friend, Eli Bosni.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon?

I think we can all agree that we would have rather had darkness descend over the land than watch this one.

Look, some weeks I'm like, oh, we're going to have a good time making fun of this movie.

And some weeks I'm like, I'm glad I did this to my friends.

This was a fun prank I got to pull on my friend.

I'm in the middle of a 12-minute number.

I'm just looking outside.

Like, oh, is that the apocalypse?

Apocalypse?

I'm looking at fucking YouTube going like, why isn't there a 10 times speed, though?

Why would you take this from me?

Oh, oh my god i accidentally switched back to normal time for like one second during this musical and i was like

oh my god come on christmas heroin what's happening

so tell us eth what will we be breaking down today we watched the gospel according to scrooge It's the story of what happens when one million moms gets angry about a Christmas carol having too much witchcraft.

Like wicked.

Yep.

They made this instead.

And it's not even a fucking movie.

It's a goddamn stage play that we're watching.

Like somebody's cousin film.

Yeah.

And Eli, how bad was this stage play that somebody's cousin filmed?

Well, if you love a Christmas Carol, but the story about the miser named Jewish McKeebrew, who learns the meaning of Christmas from a trifold ghost, is a little too subtle for you.

You will love this musical.

It's get it?

The musical.

The number of times the characters have to sit here and go, well, you know, what I learned from that ghost of Christmas present was, yeah, it's fucking incredible.

All right.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

I'm going to go with best worst reverse edging in the music is what I mean.

Oh, okay.

Or like, so I don't know what, you know, operator I'm supposed to use, reverse, inverse, converse.

So they do these numbers.

And so many times I was like, okay, they're done.

And then they're like, ha ha, fuck you.

And they go back into the song for like another eight minutes.

It's so long.

A lot of Christmas songs, huh?

Yeah.

Lots.

So many.

Not, I was like, man, how many Christmas songs could there be?

Way more than I remember.

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah, because they do that one mashup at the beginning and you're like, well, at least they got all the Christmas songs out of the way.

And then they have 14 more.

Yeah.

They're hitting up 16th century bangers like the pot and kettle dance upon the day of the new lord.

Oh, God.

I didn't even know this was a, what are the pot and kettle doing here?

I'm pretty sure there was one song that was like, and now the song is over in the lyrics, and then it wasn't.

And then it wasn't.

I talked about this.

It is the second to last lyric of the song,

and that is all we have to say.

Yep.

Okay, and I was going to go with best, worst, singing kid.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, come on.

No, I'm talking about tiny Tim.

Okay, yep, Tiny Tim.

So look, normally when it's a kid, I'm forgiving.

Like, for me, right?

Like, for me, I'm pretty forgiving.

If it's a kid doing a performance, I don't like to make fun of him.

But this kid, oh, my fucking God, this kid.

He hurt us first.

This is self-defense.

Everything we say about Tiny Tim.

Now, can I say

microaggression, macroaggression?

Yeah.

Balanced out by the only positive performance in the film.

Goes to Christmas Mass.

Yes, absolutely.

We'll get to her.

That girl fucking ruled.

She was awesome.

I can't believe they didn't give her a song.

She was great.

And I'm going to take the easy one.

I'm going to go with best, worst accents.

The quote-unquote, heavy quotes, the double parentheses British accents in this movie land anywhere from like Dick Van Dyke to the letter O.

Where did Dickens have it set?

On a pirate ship, I think, right?

Yeah.

A pirate ship full of pirates who were racist against British people.

That's what I remember correctly.

Well, so the thing is, is that, of course, best worst accents in this show, that's saying a lot, right?

Because we've had communist accents since the very beginning here on God Awful Movies.

But the best worst accent, the thing that makes these accents the best worst is that this play has a cast of conservatively 261 people.

Right?

Eight billion people.

Every one of them tries a British accent that is somehow worse than the last one.

Yeah.

It's not that they're like worse at the accents.

It's just that there's so many ways to be wrong.

Yeah.

It's an incredible, it's so diverse in the amount of ways you can get a British accent wrong.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, the sooner we get to this shit, the sooner I never have to think about it again.

So we're going to keep the break brief.

And when we come back, we'll dive into all the mostly off-book players that are the gospel, according to Scrooge.

Did Did they land on Rasta at one point?

Yep.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Ebenezer, Ebenezer,

Jacob, Jacob Marley?

Indeed, it is I.

I have returned from the grave to bring you a very important message.

Oh, whatever could it be?

You

very obviously need therapy.

Therapy?

For lack of Christmas spirit?

Yeah, the Christmas thing doesn't really factor in, man.

You're isolated.

You're lashing out.

Oh.

I am?

Yeah, big time.

Hey, hey, you see these chains?

Yes.

Are those the terrible afterlife punishment you've been meted out?

Uh, no, worse.

In life, I wore these chains of cognitive distortions, and they weighed heavily upon me.

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That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash awful.

Thank you, spirit.

Why, why, I'm as happy as a schoolboy.

Weird metaphor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

My bad.

Hey, Greg.

Oh, hey, Steve.

Yeah.

Hey, just popped my head in to see how the work on the Christmas play was going.

Oh, fantastic.

Have you heard of a Christmas carol?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, so we're pretty much doing that.

Ah, all right.

That's great.

Classic story, message of salvation, and it's public domain.

Exactly, exactly.

So nobody to ask about my changes.

Sorry, changes?

Well, yeah, we got to send a Christian message with it.

You think the message of a Christmas carol by Charles Dickens isn't Christian enough?

Not nearly, no.

Okay.

Well, I guess you could like add some stuff.

And well, I made it a lot less confusing, too.

Like, Scrooge is going to talk about how he's feeling throughout it, you know?

Right.

Greg.

So here's the thing.

A Christmas Carol is a pretty perfect story as is.

Is it?

Yeah.

A brand new creation of a zeitgeist, memorable characters.

Dickens literally made a living just reading it aloud to people.

It doesn't really need any edits.

Well, yeah, but I made Bob Cratchit and the nephew the same character worse now worse and confusing bell is fezziwig's daughter in my again we're stop adding you shouldn't be allowed to read charles dickens let alone quote punch it up with your dumb ideas absolutely not

in mind tiny tim cures himself through prayer i'm gonna kill you okay

bend over

and we're back for the breakdown and the first words in my notes are a two-hour musical stage play of an overtly christian Christian take of a Christmas carol.

Fuck you, Eli.

You get coal this year.

Fair.

Whole life.

Fair and fair.

My first notes are, I hate it already, and actors are lying.

It's all

they're already, they're all lying.

They're just liars.

Yeah.

I know they're all lying, but like this one in particular, I was like, I will not suspend my disbelief.

I hate this.

Nope.

Nope.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, because so many of Heath's notes are just like, that's a fucking backdrop.

That's not even a building.

Yeah, I get it.

so we start off on scrooge be scroogeon right he's got his his housekeeper's there and he's being mean to his housekeeper and she's done with his bullshit and there's no reason for this character to exist nope this housekeeper they added bob cratchit exists in a christmas carol now don't worry he won't exist in this fucking show but he exists in a christmas carol to show that scrooge treats the people who work for him badly there was no reason to do this except that the people who wrote this were like, he should be unkind to a woman.

He doesn't have enough power over a woman's life or death.

An awful lot of this play can just be explained by this poor writer sitting in a room by himself as more and more people keep walking in and going, I have a part two, right?

Yeah, that is fair.

That is fair.

And to be honest, you know who you should have written?

Luigi walks in and shoots Scrooge credits.

Okay, to be fair, as we learn at the very, very end, the guy who wrote this play

from this church.

So that may be exactly what happened to Noah Lucian.

I feel like it might have been.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is also where we hear Scrooge's accent for the first time.

He went for English and he landed on me trying to fight an Irish guy.

Luigi needs a musical.

We'll see.

Yes.

There you go.

So, but Scrooge is being mean.

She mocks him.

She falls asleep and he cuts her pay for this.

It doesn't fucking.

I have no idea what the fuck is happening.

So he walks out onto the quote-unquote street.

He sees some guy who owes him money and he yells at him for owing him money.

Yeah.

The young guy here went for British and landed on Haunted Muppet, which I thought was interesting.

Oh, Mr.

Scrooge.

Yeah.

So, and then, and then there's this choir that's standing on stage and they start singing, but it's like it's totally drowning out everything that Scrooge is saying.

Yep.

And then they themselves get drowned out by somebody opening a very complicated series of locks next to the

microphone.

Chris, do not throw that drum set down the stairs to get it to me.

Okay.

I need you to bring one drum at a time.

It's like four minutes and it's insane.

And then that gets drowned out by like 200 more cast members popping up out of the, they're taking up the whole theater somehow.

They're just sitting in all the good seats and they just pour onto the stage, too.

I think it counts as an altar call.

All of us have some version in our notes of there have to be more people on the stage at this point than there are in the audience.

Yeah.

Or a wormhole or something.

And they're just shoving each other.

It's like a Black Friday sale out there on that stage.

Like there's too, they don't have room to move past each other.

They've obviously been given like musical stage business to do, but there's just too many.

There's 80 of them on the stage.

It's like they're going to do an Iowa caucus.

It was crazy.

At one point, they wheel out a meat cart for a bit and then they wheel that off stage and then they have to wheel a second cart on for a second.

I think that they're supposed to be going for like this family's walking through the market and these are the things that they're walking by.

But because there's 613 people on the stage, you can't really do that.

Everybody's just kind of oomphing it.

Yeah.

Indecipherable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we do get to watch Tiny Tim go up to the meat cart and look at a giant thing and then be like, Dad, can I get the

vulture dragon?

Really big bird that's being sold there?

Yeah.

And we watch dad be like, you can't carry it though, because

you're.

You're you.

Use as a crutch, maybe?

I believe this is the quickest I ever went to one and a half times speed on YouTube.

Oh, I started.

I started on one and a half.

The timestamp was all it took for me to get up to two times speed, baby.

Yeah, I did get to two times speed eventually, but this was the fastest I ever got there.

And so we should point out, too, that like not only are there 800 people singing on the stage, they sing 800 Christmas carols.

This is like a Christmas carol remix where we get like 15 of your favorites.

It's ridiculous.

They're just mashing up all the Christmas songs all at once.

It was crazy.

It was like two stores in the mall are in a fight about which is the best one.

Right.

And like Hollister and the Gap are like in this weird feud next to each other, playing it louder and louder.

And again, they're Christian, so they're using the Christian Christmas songs that you'd never hear, right?

There's a bunch of like, and old Lord Montelroy has said he plans the host of men.

Yeah.

So after this song, they all stand around and then they talk about how much Scrooge hates Christmas for a bit.

Okay, one of the ladies in this moment says, if Scrooge catches us singing carols, it will be the last carols we ever sing.

Yeah.

Is this version of the play Scrooge going to murder them?

Or are they worried the tariffs are about to kick in on carols?

Yeah,

no, that's part of it.

So, yeah, so they're like, he hates Christmas carols.

Don't let him catch you singing Christmas carols.

And then the one guy who's paying no fucking attention looks up from his phone and goes, well, maybe a Christmas song would cheer him up.

He was like, shut up, you fucking shit.

Shut the fuck up, Dave.

We're getting trouble.

I'm pulling on my end to this, to the standee thing.

I'm doing it.

You want an ice raid?

This is how you get an ice raid.

And everybody's like, oh, look, there he is in his shop being mean to Mr.

Cratchit in the next scene.

Right.

His shop that is in the middle of the street that we're in.

Yeah.

There it is.

I also, I have to point out this one thing because it just makes me so happy.

So again, the whole movie, everyone's trying these absolutely awful British accents, but look up from his phone guy doesn't fucking bother at all.

He's just like,

that Mr.

Scrooge could sure use a Christmas song.

What?

Stop looking at me like that.

I told you.

I'm not talking like a gay.

All right.

So then Scrooge and Cratchit.

So, well, then 58 people all try to scurry off stage without running into each other.

It doesn't go well.

But when they finally do clear out, Cratchit and and scrooge are standing there this is where cratchett first calls him uncle because apparently they primarily know this character from duck tales yep right cratchit is not the nephew of scrooge in the story i looked this up to make sure no they've combined the characters of bob cratchit and the nephew to make a single nonsense character who doesn't make any fucking sense yeah and will make less sense as he gets through the play so for instance bob cratchit is like really really poor and the nephew is just sort of like middle-class and happy.

So, they'll make Bob Cratchit middle-class and happy

as a compromise, which sort of takes the wind out of the hole Bob Cratchit here.

It really does.

We should take Tony Tim to the doctor we can afford.

Remember when there was a middle class?

Right.

That was the best.

Oh.

So, yeah, so, but Scrooge is basically having a Jesus argument with Cratchit here along the lines of: if your Jesus is is so great, why are you poor and I'm rich?

Yep.

And that's a good point, actually.

And this is where we get the first of almost was my best worst about the movie, which is that this movie introduces the improv concept of no

really strongly, right?

So when he says, why did God make you poor?

Bob's son, nephew Cratchit just goes, no, he didn't.

I'm fine.

Yeah.

And that will be the first of so many times throughout the movie that one character will go, hey, hey, why is this thing true?

And then another character will go, because it's not true.

Yeah, but it is true, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And this was one of many times they keep doing this where 1800s London has a much better economy than we have now.

Like if this was happening now, Cratchit spends Christmas Day driving for Uber 100%.

Absolutely.

Yes, absolutely.

So, yeah.

Well, and Scrooge is like, hey, don't I pay you to do something that isn't pestering me about Christmas?

And I'm like, again, like you're you keep making him have good points.

Right.

Right.

And again, we have to point out that like some of this is lines from the Christmas Carol, but with Jesus ham hattedly shonked onto the end.

Right.

Right.

So it'll be like, I may not be rich in must, but you do not make yourself rich in Jesus.

And that's what they've just added the word Jesus or God to the end of a bunch of lines from Christmas Carol.

Yeah, right.

No, that well, and also, and I'm surprised we haven't pointed this out yet.

All the fucking makeup has this very like

never done stage makeup before, but it's like a nutcracker, isn't it?

Yeah.

Right kind of a look to it.

Yeah.

Everyone is either a doll of a Dutch boy or a ghost, but we all have to share this one palette of gray paint we got at Halloween Adventure.

So no going full face about it.

A lot of gray face in this.

A lot of grey face.

A lot of grave face.

Yeah.

So, okay.

But so just then, a couple of people show up at their office collecting money for charity giant feather hats

oh man they were really sure this lady's feather in her hat would do a lot of comedy work for them they literally all the comedy like there is one other funny moment they're pretty sure that that takes care of it though

although the gentleman here in his english accent ended at rabbi which i thought was interesting yeah no he came at it from a different angle i guess

yeah yeah so they come in and they're like hey we're collecting money for charity and Scrooge is not having any of that bullshit.

Right.

And you guys remember the problem with this scene in the Muppet Christmas Carol, which is the version of, is the ultimate version of this story.

The problem with this scene in Christmas Carol is that it only happens once.

So now they do it again.

Right.

Exactly.

He goes, he goes, would you like to give money for the poor?

And Scrooge is like, no, fuck the poor.

I hate the poor.

I don't like giving money to the poor and I don't have the Christmas spirit.

And the guy goes, oh.

And his wife goes, try again.

And he goes, would you like to give money to the poor now?

And he gives another different rant.

Yeah.

He's like, can we just put the poor in fucking prison?

Or like, tell them to join a trade union, whatever.

And again, I was like, okay, don't love that Scrooge is like an average swing voter in 2021.

I wrote, it must be weird to have their politics repeated to them by Ebenezer Scrooge in the before picture.

Yeah.

Why is Scrooge making such good points about debtor's prison?

I'm saying.

I will say there's a crying baby in the audience at this point.

I have never been more sympathetic to a crying baby.

Yeah, no, I get it, baby.

Yeah, I get it.

Me too.

So, okay.

So he goes outside to chase off a bunch of Christmas carolers, right?

And then, so I wrote in my notes, he's going to sing a fuck those assholes song.

Would we say sing?

But that's, then I went and crossed that out and I wrote, say, he's going to say a song.

Okay, confused why he got the part of Scrooge in this musical if he can't and won't sing.

Just don't have songs.

He's clearly the pastor of this bullshit church.

That's what I said.

He must have to be that he's cast himself.

Yes.

But yeah, he's he raps a song like a fucking dare instructor.

I keep doing that.

And also, we should point out that not for the last time in the movie, the music will entirely drown out the lyrics.

Yeah, bless that pit orchestra just being like, the louder we play, the less of this musical gets heard by the world.

Yeah, right, right.

Old

pit orchestra just grabs the baby and mics it up.

Yeah.

So, yeah, so he chases 104 people off of the stage, and then he goes back inside at length, even though there's not an inside and an outside.

It's just a pantomime.

Just walk through the invisible wall, man.

We're fine with matters in this.

Oh, no, I'm penetrating through solid matter it's a mutant origin story relax scrooge you're fine

so yeah but but now at 7 p.m it's time for cratchit to go home right and as he's leaving he's like uncle scrooge if you'd like to come over for christmas dinner you can and he's like you and your wife and all your stupid shitty kids it's so

okay again this is a meaningful scene when Bob Cratchit isn't his nephew.

Right.

Yeah, when he's just inviting his nasty boss.

Yeah.

Right.

And we sort of see a moment of humanity from Scrooge when he gives Bob Cratchit the moment off at the very beginning.

And we're like, oh, maybe there's some heart to Scrooge.

Like, it's a subtle, interesting choice.

Tickets, mates.

But instead, it's like, so see you at dinner tomorrow.

No, you motherfucker.

Take the day off.

Right.

Yes.

Yeah, exactly.

And he's like, eventually agrees to give Cratchit the day off for Christmas.

He's going to give him a paid day off.

And I'm like, okay, I just, again, to Heath's point, I have never had a job that gave me a paid holiday off, including this one, like including

this job that I have now.

Just another point in the modern capitalism is worse than Scrooge Times column.

Yeah.

But if you patrons were all to like write us en masse that you want us to charge for the episode that we're off for the holidays, like no would have to do that.

No, he would.

You would have to.

But so, but Cratchit leaves.

And as he's leaving, he does it like an Eli trying to get the last word of a fucking argument that we've moved on from and he goes he like leans and he goes have to he goes god say yeah no yeah right i i refer back to it now you have to keep that joke no but he leans back and he goes god save you and then he closes the door and he leaves he christens at him at the last minute got him eli doesn't count that's nothing that's not neither here nor there

So yeah, so he turns off the lights.

He leaves the office.

We watch him push through a loving couple out for a stroll because fuck them.

Yeah.

And I'm and look, they're taking up the whole goddamn sidewalk.

I don't want to keep being too sympathetic with Scrooge, but they're taking up the whole fucking sidewalk.

How the hell else is he supposed to get through?

It's also, this is supposed to be a transition, right?

While they roll out the set and roll in the set of his house, but it takes too long.

So this actor is having to do like

for like six minutes to the extent that it like kind of gets a narrative where he's like, oh, I like that.

Gentle now.

He talks about the weather with himself as like a six-minute vamp while they're doing the set.

Yep.

I like that he did the ass warmer thing, though.

Yeah, all the church fucking out.

I loved this.

Holy shit.

They were like, that resembles entertainment IMP.

Yeah.

He pulls pants down a little bit and puts his butt next to the radiator for a second.

He's like, he does not pull his pants.

No, he doesn't.

He doesn't.

You added that in your imagination to make it more interesting.

If you want to jerk off to this musical, no one will judge you, but don't ask.

Well, somebody's gonna judge i don't need permission so yes but thank you but yeah but we but like we no shit we do a full two and a half minutes now at this is after he walks in and they've changed the set he goes into his bedroom set and then we do two and a half minutes of him like changing out of his coat and into his house coat and warming his butt by the fire and everything that goes on for a literal two and a half minutes Yeah, I'm on double speed at this point in my notes, and it was still taking too long.

Way too fucking long.

There's loud kids in the audience just going, I'm bored, mom.

I would like to leave this religion.

So yeah.

So, but then I guess Scrooge is going to start monologuing to us about how he's happy he didn't go to Cratchit's place and that guy could go fuck himself.

Because a writer at this point was like, I mean, I don't know about you, but I'd really like to check in on what's going on with Ebenezer Scrooge.

I can't really imagine what he might be be thinking or feeling based on the text of Dickens.

So I'll just have him say it all out.

He just says

he talks to himself.

Yeah.

I wanted like the maid to pop in from the background, just be like, who are you talking to right now?

What are you doing?

Right.

So he talks to himself about how he's glad he didn't go to Christmas dinner and also God is bullshit.

He mentions that.

And then he goes to bed.

He actually goes, who am I even talking to?

This is like lazy writing or something.

What am I even doing?

So he goes to bed.

He starts snoring.

He might as well just say the word snore very loud.

Oh, but the church is fucking loving it.

Yeah, they crack up to that too.

And then God kicks in on the PA like Scrooge is being called to the principal's office.

Yeah, not Marley.

Not Marley.

No, okay.

God.

That's why this fucking thing was written.

Right.

Because they wanted to remove the blasphemy of ghosts showing up.

You can't come back after you die and warn people.

So God shows up and he's like, hey, Marley had a message for you.

Yeah, right.

So we get God, like the ghost of Christmas everything, doing his first thing.

And I love that the omnipotent God can't get Ebenezer

Scrooge's attention right away.

And he's like, Ebenezer.

Ebenezer.

Ebenezer.

Ebenezer Scrooge.

I know you hear me.

Ebenezer Scrooge.

He doesn't wake up.

I was like, okay, I think I would be immune to ghost visits when I'm sleeping.

Yeah.

Really?

Because how hardy a sleeper you were could foil God.

That's quite the thing.

I'm just tucking in tighter like that pet pig.

Yeah.

There's also something here that that's adorable.

And I just remembered that video.

Thank you for that gift.

But there's also a moment here that I really want to touch on, right?

Because again, they've got hellfire as a part of their mythology.

So he's like, oh, Marley's in hell right now.

He would love a drop of water, but he's burning in hell forever.

To which Scrooge responds,

what does that have to to do with me right

right he's like that sucks to suck so your point yeah right i also love that scrooge demands proof right he's like i am god and scrooge is like prove it and god's like man god damn it i can't

no yes right right god's got nothing he's like well what does your heart tell you he's like well my heart told me to ask for proof so He says that three angels will come tonight again because they can't be ghosts.

Not ghosts.

And I am so in our own podcast of ours lore that I was legitimately excited for Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

I was like, oh, nice.

They're going to do Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

I like that Scrooge asks God here, like, okay, but how do I know that they're going to be angels when they show up?

I was like, probably just assume anyone who shows up magically at like 1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m.

Right, right.

There's so many people showing up at your bedroom at 1 a.m.

that you have to know, which would go Ebenezer.

I love it.

Take attendance.

I'll need two-factor authentication from the angels maybe capture let's set up a password like you did in kindergarten with your parents because the news told them you were gonna get molested

i heard we're supposed to redo them because of china or something right yeah no we gotta redo them

all right well we are 30 minutes into this lazy ass musical and so far there's been one original spoken words song and one christmas carol mashup So we're going to take a quick break and let them warm up their fucking pipes, I guess.

But we'll be back in a minute with even more of the gospel according to Scrooge.

What if we stack up all the bread at the grocery store and then we just like plow into it with a big jump?

Oh, that's good.

It's perfect.

Hey guys.

Guys, what you doing?

Oh, hey, Noah, we're just planning our Christmas calls.

I see.

And how are you doing that?

Well, Eli and I were getting killed by pricing from Big Wireless.

But then we remembered you get a free phone call when you get arrested.

Exactly.

So shenanigans, arrest, thank grandma for the sweater.

All three.

Bing, bang, boom.

Yeah.

Plus, we get to ride in the back of a cop car.

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What's Mint Mobile, you son of a bitch?

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All right, Heath.

Looks like we don't need to do those crimes after all.

Yeah, yeah.

But can we still do the bread thing?

Feels like that'd be super sad, right?

Just squish.

I feel like you could just buy like the dayo, like the bread that they're going to throw away and do that.

No, it needs to be a power thing.

Okay.

That's fair.

Hey, Phil, you got a second?

Sure, guys.

What's up?

So, listen, we don't want to sound jealous.

Exactly, but we noticed that Carrie and Elrose both got a song in the church show.

Sure.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

So, we were wondering if

we could sing a song in the show.

I mean, they sing like First Noel and Jingle Bells.

Exactly.

So, I was thinking, like, oh my gosh, there's so many Christmas songs.

What's a few more?

Yeah.

I don't know, guys.

Four Christmas songs in one show feels like a lot.

Oh, sorry.

Not four.

Oh, not four.

No, no, we talked to everybody and kind of everybody else wants a song too.

So.

Guys, everyone in the show can't sing their own Christmas song.

That's like a two-hour show at that point.

Hour and 58 minutes and 38 seconds.

Oh.

Well, then you know what?

That's fine.

That's great.

Nice.

I'll go tell everybody.

Dibs on ye babe in the manger.

Aw, man.

That's a great one.

This is going to be the worst thing ever.

It Sure is

And we're back for more of this shit.

When we last left off, I was complaining about the lack of music in this musical.

Now it's time to regret that.

And we're gonna rejoin the action with Scrooge meeting the first angel, not ghost angel,

John Benet Ramsey.

Sure is no illusions.

Sure is.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now I will point out this child is a significantly better actor than everyone else in this 700-person cast.

She nails the British accent closer than anybody else.

That's for fucking sure.

We, when we worked at the toy store, sometimes movie stars would come into the toy store and they would just sort of radiate famousness and chillness, right?

And you'd be like, oh, that's why that person's a movie star.

That's what this child does to the rest of the class.

I'm not saying she's got star potential.

I don't know.

I'm saying, compared with the muck feeders that make up with this cast, every moment she's on stage is a delight.

And she does a reasonable English accent.

Yep.

Although the whole like a nine-year-old is in his bedroom at 1 a.m.

thing is way more uncomfortable than they seem to realize

within the thing.

But yeah, so she shows up.

She's got a little feathered fan that she doodley-doos him with.

So she doodley-dos him back to the boarding school he went to as a boy.

Yeah.

Okay.

If a ghost brings me back to my childhood, it's like 50-50.

I got a swimsuit issue out, and it's a really awkward moment.

It is a child ghost.

Oh, sorry.

Can you fast forward?

No, no, no, not that far forward because the refractory period was over.

I need you to really

angel keep zooping.

It keeps getting worse.

Come on.

Wow.

Right.

Now, penthouse.

Okay.

I found my own fingers.

It's a whole thing.

So, peanut butter,

crunchy.

So he runs into, we look over him and his girlfriend from school.

This is Belle.

Right.

And so at first, we have the two of them talking, but we can't hear them because, you know, in the play, we're listening to Ebenezer and the ghost of Christmas Past.

Oh, I'm sorry, the angel of Christmas Past.

So the two characters, the two actors playing young Ebenezer and young Belle are swaying back and forth like character select screen characters or something.

Yeah, exactly.

Like we're going to choose our fighter.

Right, yeah.

But eventually we we move to their conversation and it's not better like the first thing that ebenezer says is like oh you're like my sister is my flirt don't say hot hot hot

should have gone with hot like mom or grandma maybe but no whoops the sister angle worked pretty great with belle which oh yeah shocking she's like i love that folgers commercial yes yeah blue city yeah and he's like oh they're because the kids come by and laugh at them They do like a Scrooge and Belle kissing in a tree.

And she's like, my father says to love those who laugh at you.

And I wrote in my notes, I hope the cast of this musical feels the same way.

There's like 850 people in this church.

I don't want to have enemies with all of them.

Right.

But yeah, but Belle explains how much she loves Jesus.

And I wrote, tell your boyfriend he isn't getting laid without telling him he isn't getting laid.

Right.

But then the teacher's like, oh, class is about to begin.

And we're like, is it is class a fucking song about about how awesome Jesus is?

She's like, it's a song about how awesome Jesus is.

They have written happy birthday, Jesus, on the blackboard.

They have.

Like, Jesus is going to come up and get to wear a special hat.

They also wrote the alphabet from A to L and ran out of space.

They ran out of space.

They're like, well, you know, and yada, yada, yada.

Anyway, let's make room for Jesus.

You fuckers get it.

Okay, so they're going to sing this song and primarily the teacher is going to sing this song and then the kids are going to chime in.

What we say sing!

I mean, compared to everything else, yes, I would say like that, I would count her as singing.

This woman sings in seven.

She's so flat, she sings in semitones, right?

Those like things that only two instruments or people with like a weird throat are

Christmas songs.

I expected a whale to come flopping through the backdrop and be like, I heard there was some pussy.

I heard there was pussy.

We fucking.

So, yeah, so, but she's singing.

The kids are chiming in.

They're singing about how awesome it is that Jesus died for our sins.

And as they're doing it, the kids are all trying to sway in unison.

Step touch.

Try to step touch.

Girl doing opposite direction, step touch.

They will never sync up the swaying.

And it was driving me fucking insane.

It was like my fire alarm being askew, but for dancing.

I was so mad.

Okay, but the girl who's doing the exact opposite as everyone else on the stage, she's an American hero.

She's Chris Kyle.

I loved her.

She was fun, but the kid, the kid swaying way too fast was

he was great.

And I also liked the little boy in the middle row, all the way to the left, who just was counting the seconds until his shit was over, barely moving at all, like he's mad at everybody else in the play.

I was with him.

Full anxiety attack the entire time he was on stage.

So, and this is one of those moments where they get Heath, right by continuously making him think the song is over, but then they sing the exact same fucking chorus again.

Yeah.

Well, they just keep going, because Christmas time is here.

And you're like, okay, sorry, let me move on.

And I would always move the speed back down to normal.

And then it would, oh, Christmas time.

Every time.

I was so mad.

And also, the way the kids are chiming in is they're like, they're saying like cute kid words every time.

So then it became sort of ominous every time you'd hear it.

Cause at the beginning, it's like, Christmas time is here.

Cherry blossoms.

Christmas time is here.

Candy canes.

But by the end, they were like, you can do it.

Eli, kill the president.

So yeah, but

like literally, I wrote in my notes, they sing the same fucking chorus three goddamn times at the end.

And as I was writing that, they started a fourth fucking chorus.

They started a fourth time, rule of fours.

Yep, apparently rule of fours.

But they do eventually end it.

The teacher gets a letter, right, right, as the song is wrapping up.

Then we cut back over to Belle and Ebenezer.

Belle has gotten Ebenezer a little gift.

We will never know what it is.

Doesn't fucking matter.

Doesn't matter.

It's nudes.

She did it him in shock.

It's a fun, awkward moment.

She gets him the gift, hands it to him, and then she's like, so

I guess...

That's all the gifts we each have.

Thought I was hot like your sister.

Okay, that's right.

I'll fuck myself.

But then the teacher comes up to tell Ebenezer that the letter she got was from his family.

They can't come get him for Christmas because his dad is in debtors prison and his mom and sister had to go to work at the whore house or whatever.

To which he responds, no, that's not what happened.

And she's like, no,

it is what happened.

To which he responds, no, it isn't though.

And she's like, yes, it is.

I'm going to read the letter out loud now, which I I haven't read ahead of time.

Dad is in prison.

Mom and sisters to the camps.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

So now this kid is going to sing a song about God hating him.

And

which he opens with, Jesus loves me.

I don't know.

Yep.

Yep.

Except that you did it with a tune.

Yeah, that's true.

So like at least old Ebenezer knows he can't sing, so he was just talking.

This kid was rough.

Now, it's not the worst it's going to be, but it was fucking rough.

He started a little bit too low, and that gets more and more absurd as we go on with the song.

Ends up too high somehow.

Yeah.

And we watched the people who rewrote this thing go through like stages of grief about how Christianity is dumb in the song.

So young Scrooge first, he starts singing like the problem of evil, the Christmas song.

And I was like, okay, nice.

I'm into that.

And then we get him singing about like Descartes' radical doubt during the song.

Yeah, we get a little that.

And they land on kind of like an atheist bootstraps Christmas song where he's like, I'm just going to make money and be happy because of money.

All right.

And hate everyone else.

It's nice that his entire life's journey was so conveniently encapsulated in that singular moment.

Yeah.

Opens the gift.

It's an Ayn Rand book.

Okay.

All right.

So, okay.

So then all the youngsters clear out, and old Ebenezer is left crying on Jean Bonet's shoulders.

Yeah, and this is where we get a little apologetics here because this is where Jean Bonet explains that God was totally gonna help Ebenezer through his dad being sent to prison and his sister and his mom being sent to the whorehouse, but

he was kind of a bitch about it in that last song.

So he didn't.

Yeah.

Scrooge is like, hey, your boss fucking God is a real dick.

You saw all that stuff, Abby, right?

You heard me sing the song about how sad it is and how they're going to prison camps.

And she's like, shh, mysterious ways.

And it gets worse because he goes, okay, but what about my sister?

Why did God kill my sister?

Also mysterious.

Also mysterious.

But he killed her during childbirth.

Fuck.

That's a thinker.

Cut?

Can we cut?

Yes, right, right.

Yeah, the angel's like, well, you know, suck it up.

She might as well tap.

Just like, kick it in, kick, click, click click

so they walk along and now they're on the street where belle lives it's it's christmas eve some years later and ebenezer turns to the angel and goes whatever happened to belle and me and i'm like are you asking the angel to tell you your backstory your own backstory right and i want to point out that like in Dickens's story, it's really interesting because Scrooge does love Belle and Belle rejects him because she doesn't have a dowry.

And so he's sort of, it's like a really interesting color today.

But in this, don't worry, she's just going to be mad at him for not being Christian enough.

Yep.

That's pretty much it.

Yeah.

So, YA, them come out of church, and Belle sure loved the service, but Ebenezer only thought it was meh.

Yeah.

And by the way, they did Belle dirty in this scene.

She went full Larry Tomato on this girl's makeup.

Well, and on her lines, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

These teens ended up in the accent realm of Lord of the Rings high Elven for some reason.

Sure.

Yeah.

But we learn from this scene that Ebenezer's not as into Jesus as she is, and he feels like he needs to prove to her dad that he's going to be rich enough to marry her.

But she's, but she like defuses all of that.

She's like, actually, my dad doesn't care how much money you have.

So it

genuinely does not matter.

Okay.

So big picture.

God's plan was to have Ebenezer Scrooge be a giant dick for like 80 years and then sort of fix it with angels.

Yep.

And that's it?

That's the whole plan.

For like a couple of years, maybe?

Yeah.

So then, so I guess now they're going to go to a party that Belle's dad is throwing.

Yeah.

So this is Fezziwig, right?

And this is a really interesting character in Christmas Carol.

They have now made that Belle's dad, which makes him going to the Christmas party or him working there, which is what the situation is supposed to be in Christmas Carol, Fucking weird.

Yep.

Yeah.

So, but we, what we learn here

is that Mr.

Fezziwig, everybody loves Mr.

Fezziwig because he's so generous with his big Christmas balls.

Yes.

And it's not supposed to be a grand ball.

The whole fucking point is that when he was working in this shitty little shop, the guy still threw a nice Christmas party.

It's 120 pages.

You don't have to add.

Just let it stand.

So yeah, but so during this party, Bell overhears Ebenezer going, like, I can't understand why he wastes so much money on these Christmas parties.

And she is fucking devastated and will never recover from that.

No, that's the reason they break up.

Yep.

So she rushes off.

Ebenezer follows her, but Mr.

Fezziweek takes center stage to do a little song about how awesome Jesus is.

Right.

And we watch another terrible dance.

Oh my God.

So yeah.

So this choreography was as interesting as the worst dancer at this church's limitations allowed it to be.

Yeah.

And at this point, I wrote in my notes: okay, I know you guys might be mad at me because this is a two-hour musical, but if you skip the songs, it's 33 minutes long.

So, if you think about it, I gave you a really short one.

Well, right.

And why not skip the songs?

They had lyrics in them like, and I fucking quote, celebrate, celebrate, time to celebrate.

So much to celebrate.

Join the celebration.

That's literally the chorus of this goddamn celebration.

Wow, Sherlock.

I couldn't even hear it.

I was just hearing like Charlie Brown, wah, wah, wah, and like Christmas bells.

And then I moved it.

So two times is the max, but you could just use the mouse and then it's like infinity speed.

Oh, that's true.

You just click until people are talking again.

So, yeah, so, but Ebenezer, we move away from that.

Ebenezer chases Belle down.

She's weeping at his callousness of not liking her dad's Christmas parties.

I'll I'll wear the ugly Christmas sweater.

I'll wear it.

I'll wear it.

And we'll do it together.

Yeah.

It's cool.

And again, they have another great, no, that's not what's happening in the musical moment, right?

Where she's, where he's like, look, God doesn't just give us things.

And she's like, yes, he does.

And I'm like, okay, man, I don't really know.

Right.

What your music is doing.

He's like, look, I want to make a lot of money so that we can be happy together.

And she's like, but poor people are every bit as happy as rich people.

And I'm like, well, that's not true at all.

You're lying.

you're a liar you're just

lying

this is also where she says you can't just believe in god you have to love him i feel like that's just believing is a tall order to ask yeah somebody jesus yeah he says i love you and she says i love jesus more and i wanted so badly for it to like pan over with the spot to jesus who's smoking a cigarette and he's like sorry bro

matt damon's over there with him yeah scrooge needs to learn some compersion from the workbook right

Thank you.

So, yeah, but she demands that he love Jesus right this minute.

Everyone's getting on board.

And

he can't do it.

And he says, I love you.

And she says, I love what I thought you were.

And I'm like, oof.

So they sing a breaking up song.

Yeah.

And I wrote in my notes, even at two times speed, these songs are pretty fucking slow.

And still better than the love is gone from them up at Christmas Carol.

That's right.

I said it.

I said it.

I said it.

I'm brave.

I'm brave.

I'm not afraid to face the facts.

Listen, Eli.

Yeah.

I hate that entire movie.

I hate it.

Oh, my God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

It's not good.

It's not.

I cannot stand it.

It's not a standard.

Oh, my Christmas Carol is literally like the third best piece of media ever created.

I know everybody says that, and I know I am dead inside, in fact, but also I hate it.

It's the worst.

Like the lamp, not the rat.

Like the ramp, not the rat.

I know exactly what what that is, but it's

no illusions.

You will be in charge of comedy for the rest of this.

I just, I guess, I wouldn't even show what we're even

doing.

Yes.

This is the end of the podcast.

We should stop.

Every time people talk, it's like Star Wars, too.

And I'm just like, no, it's not, though.

It's not.

It's probably like it genuinely.

Like, I haven't seen it in 35 fucking years.

And it's probably one of those things, like, where if I was watching it with a younger person, I would have a you had to be there kind of moment with it.

But, but you were there, though, heath you were i love michael cain i don't like it so good everyone's so good all right so anyway now that we're in a big messy fight now that we're in a big fight you guys are just yelling anti-semitic slur words at me

you're gonna be visited by three muppets tonight

change your fucking i can't believe ann is marrying you well she hasn't done it yet she doesn't know this yet

that could change yeah and loves that movie of course she does because she's a fundamental human being so fucking she's a beautiful.

Okay, I will say my favorite part of this saga that we're in, apparently, and

mom also hates that movie.

And they watch it, and dad and Anne, and they make like the whole family watch it at Christmas.

And it's odd.

And Anne's mom is just roasting it the whole fucking time.

And I was like, oh, I can get in.

This is great.

Oh, if only there was some kind of precedent within the Muppets for two people standing back and roasting the whole thing.

Oh, it's just like you're retreading ground that they've already fucking done.

You stand on the shoulders of giants.

Gonzo crawled so that we could walk.

Oh, we got to do something, folks.

There's no, the songs, they're all at the same time.

They literally are doing another thing.

Joy, Joy, celebrate.

We got nothing.

All right.

So now, so the wedding in June is going to be yelling about this.

Keith has in his notes here controversial opinion or slur question mark.

and's gonna build that into the vows now like

she should say out loud now that you love muppet christmas well or at least that you'll agree to watch it every fucking year that's all i'm doing for the ceremony i'm just doing muppet christmas carol yes so okay so but now i guess jean bonet's done with him she sends him back and it's time for him to meet his second angel not ghost This is the angel of Christmas present, and it's just a lady.

Yeah, they went with poison ivy costume for the ghost of Christmas present.

Yeah,

I think her husband really pushed for poison ivy costume.

So, but she takes him out on the street and, well, she teleports him out on the street, right?

Because he's just like, this is just my street.

And she's like, right, I'm Christmas present.

Where the fuck did you think we were going?

Okay, did you just make a doodle-doo noise to bring us to the present?

That's nothing.

We just walk out the fucking door.

Would you like to see a movie in theaters?

We don't even have real fucking walls in this thing.

You didn't have to do anything at all.

He's like, what am I here in the street to observe?

And she's like, another song.

And we're like, God, fucking damn it.

Oh, my God.

Every song we're now watching is just Christmas is blank, but it's actually about Jesus.

Yep.

The end.

Yep.

That's all that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You might like the this, but the Jesus is even better.

Okay.

The entire town is out in the street at 2 a.m.

singing and dancing.

Well, that's also weird.

In the present.

What's happening in this town?

musical towns there it's like they're all dosed with molly and like that's maybe that would explain a lot yeah it's a fun town if that's what's going on

so

but this but the song ends and scrooge is like all right but i didn't learn anything i still don't know why we're out here at 2 a.m and she's like they're they represent the spirit of giving yeah And he has this moment where he's like, hey, Christians do bad stuff in the name of Christianity, to which she responds, I got off of movies first.

No,

they don't.

End of scene.

Yep.

Yep.

That's pretty much it.

We also have to point out that, like, during this, all of the people that were just singing are trying to stay frozen through the conversation.

Oh, God, it's amazing.

Wanted the fucking squid game people to come on and start shooting them.

You could tell as soon as they bowed that deep, you're like, oh, you guys are going to try to hold it for a long time, aren't you?

I forget this.

Oh, it's not.

You guys can't even sway together.

All right.

Well, surprisingly enough, this movie is losing an argument again to itself, so we're going to give it a minute to work through some shit.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will this movie change the source material in any way other than taking out the ghost references?

Would Thomas Bowdler roll his eyes at this bullshit?

Does the program cross off the word dick when it's referring to the source material's author?

Find out the answers to these questions or ones just like them when we return for the interminable conclusion of the gospel according to Scrooge.

That's the guy from the origin of the word bulgarize, right?

Yeah.

Nice.

So, mom, what do you want for Christmas?

Oh, just seeing you will be wonderful.

Oh, great.

So, we'll see Christmas Day?

Oh, no, we can't do Christmas Day.

Your father doesn't like to drive on holidays.

Oh, so...

You're coming before Christmas?

No, I have to do my thing with that lady I do every week.

Okay, so so are we coming to you then?

Oh, you're really planning to come without telling me with more notice?

Has this ever happened to you?

Hi, I'm No Illusions, paid spokesman for the Aura Frame.

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I don't think the supermarket near me has gluten-free Turkish delight.

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I guess I just won't eat the entire time I'm there then.

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Oh, and we have to leave early Wednesday because I have dialysis.

Wait, you have diabetes?

I told your father to text you.

So it's just like a lighthearted show about League of Legends?

Yep.

That is exactly what it is.

Nice.

Hey, guys, guys.

Hey, Eli, what's up?

So I was thinking about this week's movie, and have you looked up the lyrics of Christmas songs?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, they're mostly about winter and joy and stuff like that, right?

They are not.

Listen to this.

So you guys know the song Jingle Bells?

Yeah, obviously, it's just like jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Okay, the original verse was, oh, what fun it is to know that God's the life, the truth, the way.

Yikes.

Yeah.

I guess those lyrics are a little more Christian than I expected.

Yeah.

Or white Christmas.

The original verse was, and by white I mean and delightsome, like the angel Moroni who appeared to Joseph Smith.

What?

Well, that doesn't even scam.

I know.

That's why they play the other version.

Okay.

But there have to be some holiday songs that don't have a creepy, nefarious verse about Jesus.

Okay, what about Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel?

Yeah, I made you out of clay and when it's dry and ready.

God's the life, the truth, the way.

Oh, damn.

Original lyrics?

Original lyrics, yes.

Is that true?

No.

Okay.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin Scrooge and the angel now observing the Cratchit household.

Yeah.

They have have an irresponsible number of kids in this one.

It looks like fucking Thomas Smith's house.

Well, her sister is in town.

Yeah.

So again, like the whole point of the visit to the Cratchit house is for us to understand the real-world consequences of Scrooge's behavior.

But this is just a middle-class family whose sister is in town visiting them in the extra rooms that they have.

Right, right, exactly.

Because the image that we're supposed to have here is this tiny family, right?

Cratchit and his wife and his and his kid, all huddled around their little small fire with their little small tree, with their little small presents, but still having fun and joy and finding the lovely fucking whatever in Christmas.

What we have here is like a house full of fucking people and it's obvious, yeah, you know, you'd have a great time there.

Yeah.

Yeah, completely fucks their own source material.

They also, they make us waste a lot of our life on Martha hiding, but then not hiding.

Oh my God.

It's so okay.

So again, in a Christmas carol, right, the whole thing is like they have a moment, right, where Martha isn't going to be able to make it because she is working and married into another family.

Now, like it's a meaningful thing.

And then they surprise him and he's there.

And we're supposed to see the joy of spending time with your family.

But instead, they're just like, pranked, got you, asshole.

Amazing.

Yeah.

But then this is where we introduce Tiny Tim into the story.

And the way that they introduce it is with Bob Cratchit going, like, well, you know, Tiny Tim sure is lucky to have this bum leg he's got since it draws him closer to God or some shit, right, kid?

I'm right here.

I can hear you.

Here's the thing.

Don't say crippled.

His eyes.

Tiny Tim is the preachy, unnecessary part of a Christmas cat.

You can't make him more preachy and unnecessary than he is.

So they just make him dumber, right?

Like there's that thing, oh, I thought people would like to see me as a reminder of who made blind men walk and deaf men see, or whatever the fuck blind he is, right?

Like, I'm like, I'm sure people with disabilities are just like, I'm glad I'm here as a nice little Tchotchki reminder of Jesus.

Right.

But this movie fucks that up because they're like, well, you know what?

Speaking of Jesus, why don't we pray for Tiny Tim to be healed?

And I was like, Are they gonna fucking miracle cure Tiny Tim with Jesus in this musical?

And they're so mean about setting up their horrible dumb thing too.

Dad's like, yeah, so, you know, you grow closer to God because your legs are all fucked up, right?

Yeah.

Hey, Tim, I heard you said you were right here.

You heard this, right?

Right?

Yeah.

And then tiny Tim has to hobble over and be like, uh-huh, I'm going to do a song about the mysterious ways of the rickets now.

Cool.

Yes.

I'll sing a solo.

I'm good at singing, right?

Oh, my God.

This, okay, this is like torture, but for us and him, yeah, right, like it's a torture, like like there's a point during this song where you're just like mad at all the people who stood around and let him do this without putting him out of his misery.

He sings like cats.

Fuck.

Here's what I think happened.

I think this kid, like sometime earlier in the year, came to his parents and he was like, I think I have an anxiety disorder and I'd like to be medicated for it.

And they were like, counterpoint, let's make you sing with and in front of 700 people.

It is true.

I want you.

I know some of of our listeners deal with anxiety, have panic attacks.

Next time you're having a panic attack, I want you to imagine you have to sing an obscure Christmas song in front of your entire childhood church.

Just try and improvise a few lines, and you'll really grasp what Tiny Jim is going through.

And the song they've written feels like it was improvised because they start with somewhere over the rainbow musically.

And then whoever wrote this was like, that's nope.

Oh, fuck, fuck.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

That's not me.

That's, that's I remember that yeah look honestly even with the music helping me out I did not know what tune this kid was going for no but the the gist of the song is sure would be sweet if Jesus and fix my fucking leg Can't believe I didn't think about asking for this before.

Oh boy, you think I would have thought of this pretty much right away when the concept of an omniscient, omnipotent God was introduced?

Boy, do I feel like a real eight-year-old asshole from six years of just fucking around if this works.

Yeah, right, right.

I'm going to click my heels together.

Ah, peg leg.

Damn it.

Ow.

So, but after the song, Scrooge turns to the angel and he's like, hey, you know, is tiny Tim going to die?

And at first, I think he's asking about my like.

putting him out of his misery question, but no, he doesn't want him to die.

Right.

No.

And she's like, hey, remember earlier when you said that all the useless people should go to jail?

Like, he's pretty fucking useless.

I didn't think about Tim, but like, they're right.

Oh, God.

Yeah, to be clear, this is like, again, not to be too much of a Christmas Carol fan, but like, this is a really meaningful moment in a Christmas Carol because Ghost to Christmas Present is super nice to Scrooge and he has a really good time.

And then he's like, hey, Ghost to Christmas Present, we're bros.

Like, Tiny Tim's not going to die, right?

And then he says his own thing back to him.

And you're like, oh my gosh, Charles Dickens, you're such a great writer or in the case of musical none of that absolutely none of that no because the fucking ghost is roast or well the angel is roasting him the whole time any fire poison ivy please yeah poison user christian name

yeah so but he's like hey poison ivy i've learned my lesson and i would really like to go and i'm like yeah me too i want you to go too i would like everyone to just go but then they all start talking about Cratchit and his family start talking about what a piece of shit Ebenezer is.

Yeah.

Right.

And Bob's like, hey, why don't we pray for like, you know, Timmy and his and his fucking legs and shit, but also for my shitty boss to be like happy or whatever.

Jesus.

Now, I wrote in my notes, because I underestimated the stupidity of this movie, what a terrible thing within this universe to do to pray for this kid's leg to be like, you know,

what a cruel hope to torment that kid with.

I thought that the horrible thing was contained within the play.

It's not.

We'll get back to that later.

It's a horrible thing for the kids watching from home.

Another horrible thing they do is make Tim sing again.

Again,

right fucking after he gets done singing, you're like, well, at least whatever happens, that's over.

And he starts singing again.

No, there's still more.

He starts singing again.

There's still more.

And then they're like, hey, Tiny Tim, you want to put the star on top of the tree?

Well, yeah, with like a bunch of help because

near is, that's good.

Do you want to put it near the top of the tree because you can't get let's just aim for the tree the tree in general yeah look at him he can't get it he's jumping he can't get it keeps forgetting to ask god for to fix that right idiot

don't you know he doesn't even know

we should have told him we should have asked when we noticed but we're but he's got to be a part of it That's how the spell clearly, yeah, obviously.

That's how the magic kicks in.

So, yeah, so they wrap up that song.

Everybody gets back to talking about what an asshole Ebenezer is.

Then the clock chimes, and I guess that means that we're done with that angel, and it's time for the third angel.

This one, of course, the angel of Christmas Future is the Grim Reaper.

Yeah, but for some reason, they went with Scarecrow makeup on the Angel of Death.

Scarecrow Reaper.

Also, he has a sword.

Yeah, he has a sword.

Also, he's on Painter Stilts, which is going to be great.

Oh, I was like, and he's a giant yes human being okay stilts makes a little bit more sense yeah he's on painter stilts which is why he can only walk in tiny little steps because he's wearing a robe right and like if you're wearing stilts you take a big step in a robe you're gonna step on your robe unless you're really good at walking on stilts and he's not so he's gonna walk in little tiny baby steps for the entire production he sure is

so

Also, he has to unsheath his sword at this point, but they've given him these giant rubber skeleton gloves.

And he can't do it.

So he's like flapping it.

He's trying to flap it out of the scabbard.

It's the best.

I will say, though, this is the first time in the entire movie where something shut that noisy kid up, right?

This got the noisy kid's attention, at least.

Well, and this is also great because they do the scene transition, right?

Where the ghost points, and he's supposed to be cold while they head to like the other set.

But again, it takes so long that Scrooge makes cold noises for like, it's technically an edging video.

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

Well, again, because this guy has to take these tiny ass little steps to move across the stage.

And then, so death is like, go to your office.

And listeners, you can't see it, but I typed go to your office in small caps, which is very fucking funny if you're a Discworld fan.

Very funny.

But yeah, so, but the death character, the death character never talks.

I was trying to use that Discworld joke the whole fucking time, but he doesn't talk, so I couldn't.

I had to like shoehorn it in here.

But he's like, they're at his office and and scrooge is like well wait a minute it's 6 p.m and there's nobody at my office i always work past 6 p.m

right

so and then i guess there's three guys standing around outside talking about how dead ebenezer is okay this this was almost my favorite character besides jean bonet ramsey the guy who instead of english accent went with baby voice

so they're like i say i heard he died yes during the night.

I bet nobody knew he was a woman.

And you can see all the other actors be like, hey, Chris, can I speak to you over here?

What the fuck?

What the fuck are you doing?

We've talked about this.

You agreed not to do this.

You fucked up our sexual roleplay last time we did this.

Also doesn't work for the scene.

You said bitch so many times.

So, but they all talk about how nobody's going to go to his funeral.

And one guy goes, hey, was I his best friend?

I I think maybe I was his best friend because he nodded at me once.

Said Cecil, the character.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

They do a bit that I have a question about.

A guy sneezes, and then another guy gives him a hanky.

And then he goes, No, you keep it.

And that's it.

Is that

a bit?

Nope.

Was that supposed to be anything?

I wrote my notes at the end of the scene.

I feel like they thought these were comedy lines, but the audience knew better, right?

So they just kept saying words and then just pausing.

No one would react.

And then they just eventually left.

You just texted us all, what?

That's nothing.

All right.

So for the patrons, I should have point out that we've made two callbacks to the ads now in the last you got to listen to the ads.

Yeah, but they're after.

They did a good job on her in this.

No, they were pretty good.

So, okay.

So now we cut to a pawnbroker where Ebenezer's old housekeeper is cashing and she stole a bunch of shit from his house and is now selling that.

Okay.

Dickenzie in London had a more progressive estate tax than we do now.

What is it?

Clearly, yes.

And can I say, there's not enough dancing around and laughing wildly when you visit the pawnbroker.

It's a very somber affair.

I felt that for a very long time myself.

Yeah, and they're all sitting there talking about how, like, well, you know, if he hadn't been such an asshole, people wouldn't have taken his shit when he died.

And I'm like, why would he give a fuck who took his shit when he died?

He's an atheist in this.

Like, he says, he says throughout this that he's, it got no use for God and that he's not a Christian.

Like, I don't give a fuck.

Like, you know, it'd be nice to know, like, to think my stuff is going to the people who love me and care about me when I die.

But, like,

I'll be dead.

I don't give a fuck.

If my housekeeper steals all of it and takes it to the pawnbroker, I won't know about that.

I plan to trick Lucinda out of all of your stuff with a series of ruses.

Okay.

All right.

Good luck with that.

Ribald japes.

Yeah.

Okay.

But yeah, but then she's like, well, you know, I actually have a robbing the dead song to sing as we laugh at his general demise.

So they sing a song, the lyrics of which are, we've already referred to this, but

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

That's it.

Okay.

And again, Heath mentioned this earlier, but you know, a song is good when the final line is, that's the end of the song, and it is not, in fact, the end of the song.

It's not.

That's not the final line.

They're like, that's the end of the song.

Nope.

Anyway, as we were singing,

yes, it's the weirdest fucking, it is such a fuck you to us.

Okay, I did enjoy, though, that that gave us one shot.

I don't know why, for an 80s fuck saxophone to jump in from the pit orchestra out of nowhere, like a solo from the boss.

It was so fun.

It was the weirdest saxophone appearance since the Lost Boys.

It was fucking nuts.

Since Bill Clinton was on SNL.

Yeah, yeah.

Arsinio Huh.

Yeah.

So then, so, so, but then we cut to Ebenezer and death, and death takes him to his grave.

Okay, this is so good because this is such a great example of them not understanding, right?

So, the whole thing about this scene is that he doesn't know who it is, but the grave is facing the audience and has Ebenezer Scrooge written on it in giant letters.

And he's like looking at it, going, whose grave is this?

Whose grave is that?

Oh, it's mine.

I can see it from here.

That's very

okay.

But yeah, and also, like,

hey, look, the ghost of Christmas Future could take everybody to their grave.

Yeah, right.

Because

that's everybody's future.

You don't scream and be like, I'm going to die in the future?

Like, yeah.

Right.

Obviously, you're going to die.

It's a future ghost.

In the future.

At the very least, you got a grave.

Yeah.

So, yeah, right.

You might fake your death like Nick Fury or something.

But yeah, you're going to probably just die eventually too, even if you do that.

Right.

But he's so sad that he sings, I'm gonna turn my life over into Jesus song.

Well, he says that song, and this song had the lyric that I think was personally intended to make No Illusions have a second heart attack.

It goes, if I may quote,

if it's not too late, I'll no more keep you wait, Ting.

This was another one that started with something they realized they were stealing.

Yeah, he started with maybe this time from Cabaret.

So he's like, maybe this time I'll be lucky.

Nope.

Christ is God.

I mean, Jesus.

He sings it.

He's got a song about how he's learned his lesson and he promises to serve God from now on.

And the whole song,

it plays like he's trying to get God to take him back, like a high school girlfriend that he was shitty to.

Right.

Yeah.

Or whatever.

But then he wraps up that song by going down on one knee to pray.

And he now believes in the right religion.

The crying kid in the audience is fucking done at this point.

So with that kid.

And if you're thinking, listener, oh, the guys skipped over the part where Tiny Tim is dead.

No, they did not bother with that part in this version of the Christmas Carol.

They didn't want to be a downer about it.

The emotional crux of a Christmas Carol was not as important to them as Scrooge's religion.

The bored kid in the audience is just talking at full volume.

Okay, so

but we fade to him in his bedroom still echoing the Jesus prayers that he's saying.

And he realizes that he's still alive,

but he knew that was the ghost of Christ.

Like when you're standing by your own grave going, I'm going to die, you're still alive then.

Yeah.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

But yeah, he's really excited.

He sings Deck the Halls.

He says at one point, I don't know what day of the month it is.

And I'm like, probably the fucking 25th, man.

Christmas, man.

You're supposed to know that.

They went with a bunch of maniacal laughing from him realizing he had been saved here.

I was going to say,

Scrooge is always doing the like happy, happy, happy thing at the end of the play.

But this was less I found Jesus and more I found some of that Joker gas.

Yes.

Yeah, right.

Right.

No, this is a very like,

it puts the lotion in the basket kind of a laugh.

Yeah.

Like long and crazy.

And I liked that the actress playing the maid is supposed to show up here, but she clearly waits extra long to enter on her queue.

And he like runs out of maniacal laughter noises that he has to keep trying.

He loses his breath.

It was pretty fun.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, I'm out of breath watching this scene, let alone performing it.

It was like Eli had written a sketch where he's making noises at the beginning and she was like, yeah, no,

keep doing sit-ups and grunting.

That's great.

Yeah.

And he's vomiting.

But she comes in and he is like maniacally laughing and chasing her around the stool.

She's obviously uncomfortable.

And then he throws her onto his bed.

Yeah.

Super uncomfortable.

Either they're very unaware of dynamics when they wrote this play or they're aware of dynamics and don't care.

And I don't know which is worse.

Right.

Well, and she starts to like get off the up off the bed and he gives her a bunch of money and she's like, wait, what is this for?

And gets back on the bed.

I'm like, hey, well, hold on a second.

Wait a minute.

But no.

All right.

But he gives her a raise to 10 shillings a week.

He was only paying her four shillings a week.

So, you know, this is exciting.

Also, your new title is vice president of gruel.

So that's

all, right?

And then he yells at the kid on the street to go buy the biggest turkey at the poultry shop and deliver it to Bob Cratchit's house.

I feel like if I'm the kid, I'm just eating that turkey, right?

Because like that's the thing is that he finds some homeless kid on the street and he's like, hey, why don't you grab grab a big giant piece of food that you're not going to get to eat, pay for it, and bring it to someone else who already has food.

Right.

So

also, I love that the fucking poultry shop is open on Christmas morning.

I feel like three ghosts have to visit the asshole run in that place, right?

Exactly.

Yeah.

So just a bunch of Jewish families going for Chinese food and get

fun movies.

So now it's time for him to do the I'm still an asshole pranks.

And to be fair, these are in a Christmas carol, too, which I always thought was a weird choice, right?

After you've realized the error of your ways and that you've been abusing the people around you to be like, I know I need to make my amends, but I want to do it with a little bit of pizza, a little bit of showban,

right?

Prestige.

So yeah, so he wanders out to spread his good cheer.

He finds the guy who owes him the money.

from the beginning, Mr.

Fredericks, and he's like, oh, do you have that loan payment for me, Mr.

Fredericks?

And he's like, oh, I don't, I don't think so.

He's like, well, give me the loan documents.

He's like, I always carry them with me.

Yes, they are right here.

Yep.

He tears it up.

And this is my favorite.

He goes, they say, we don't know what to say.

And he says, don't say anything.

Just give all the praise to Jesus.

And I wrote in my notes, well, okay, that's saying something.

Yep, that would be saying a thing.

Yeah.

Also, just tearing up the mortgage note is nothing.

That's nothing.

Yeah, that is nothing.

Scrooge still has his.

Yeah.

We're close.

Also, the people who are like cheering at this fucking church about this goddamn part of the play get really mad when Joe Biden does this.

I just want to point that out.

It is odd.

So now we cut over to the Cratchit house, and this is again the denouement.

Tiny Tim is healed.

It has nothing to do with Scrooge.

He isn't good as gold and better.

He just shows up, and Tiny Tim's like, yeah, I just fucking asked.

Yeah, right.

As it turns out, God was willing to do that at a moment's notice.

Hey, Tiny Tim, did you like pray for anybody else to get magically healed?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just me.

It's not how the magic works.

Are you spending the rest of your life going to hospital?

No?

It's very funny because there's almost a, you're kind of stepping on my bit here, Tiny Tim, moment, because he's like, I've been saved by Christ.

And they're like, yeah, no, we know.

He's magically healed of his illness.

And he's like, oh,

well, I'm less of an asshole now.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't have much.

I haven't done anything yet, but I think I'm going to be less.

Right.

Yeah.

I mean, I bought a bird.

I bought you guys a turkey i guess you already had food you'd probably already eat just ran off with it all right

he just took my money he didn't even buy a turkey

stupid cod why didn't i do cod

this is awkward ah i missed when i was jewish and i knew that stuff i think it's time for a sousa march about one polio victim getting healed yes

polio ah so it so yeah so now the whole goddamn cast is going to come up and sing to us again.

There's some choreography here.

It is

lift the left fist and then the right fist, repeat.

The end.

Yeah.

So many people got punched in the face.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, 100%.

This had more victims than January 6th.

Yep.

And of course I wrote in my notes,

this song pretends to end and then doesn't.

Of course.

Over and over again.

But eventually it gets a standing ovation from the audience.

And I'm like, wow, guys, this was better than our Nashville live show was.

Apparently,

their audience loved them more

than our audience.

I remember quite a large standing ovation in my head.

Oh, okay.

Well, in that case.

Nice.

Excellent.

Yeah.

Awesome.

I stood up for me.

I did.

I also stood up at the end.

Yeah.

But yeah.

So, but the play is over.

But that doesn't mean we're done yet because Scrooge, while he's got us here, would like to chat with us a little bit in case any of us didn't catch the moral in that very complex parable that just that we just witnessed hey everybody um i know we just basically tacked the word jesus onto a christmas carol a story so simple that people hundreds of years ago could understand it but i just want to be clear that was about jesus we'd like you to be christian i would like us all to sing exactly one

verse of joy to the world together.

It's so sad because somehow, impossibly, against all odds, this cast got a big ovation.

And then this piece of shit pastor immediately shuts it down.

He's like, everybody shut up.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Have a speech.

I'm myself now, by the way.

And I'm not sure if I can do it.

I am less likable than I was when I was acting.

So they sing a single verse of joy to the world, which goes exactly as well as you imagine.

Then they bring out the writer.

We teased this earlier, but the writer is from their town.

And they're like, can you believe Jim wrote this?

And everyone's like, fuck yes, we can.

Yep, it sure sounds like like Jim wrote it.

And they bring him out a ream of computer paper.

And she goes, we got you some more paper so you can write us another play.

And he does the sort of like, I don't like it when someone gives me a fake gift in front of other people headshake.

And that's it.

Yep.

That's it.

And then everybody bows and like you really get a sense of just how bloated this goddamn cast is where they have to like come out like nine at a time to do these bows for 45 minutes.

Truly, it's the equal length of the play.

Yeah.

And for the bows, they come in with a really good song over the PA, and it was fucking jarring.

Yeah.

Because they're reminding us what music sounds like

after two hours.

That shit.

Yeah, right.

No, it's like when it's been dark for a really long time, any light seems bright.

Yeah.

But everybody does their little wacky bows.

Death still has to walk really slow after his bow, so it's really super awkward.

And then Scrooge, of course, gives himself one side.

He's the only one that has a solitary bow.

He takes it at the end so that he can have the stage to himself for a bit.

All glory to Jesus, except, well, me, me, me.

Also, yeah, exactly.

And well, that's going to do it for our review of the gospel, according to Scrooge.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lay on another grenade, but not next week.

Because next Tuesday is Christmas Eve, and we're going to take that one off, but we still need to lay on a different grenade the week after that.

So Eli, tell us, what's on deck?

After five happy months of dating Tom, Lisa is horrified to learn that he's obsessed with her least favorite holiday.

As the big day approaches, Lisa begins to learn the true meaning of love and the holiday season.

We'll be watching Netflix's own,

I believe in Santa.

The week after Christmas.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 486 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you didn't count yourself among their makes, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com/slash godawful, and thereby earn only access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also catch you for next week's episode.

I'll get out a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social

media platforms.

If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our assembly shows, the skin.

You're going to be a citation of DD minus the scam.

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Comments or send them out, suggestions you get about GodawalMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

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Everyone's using permission.

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Thanks again, Barrows, giving us a shit.

Your life this week.

We're eat that right and Eli Bosnick have a delicious break to work harder to earn the check next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club club.

Merry Christmas.

God decided to keep giving people polio for about a hundred years and then allow a vaccine, but still keep doing it.

Still doing

the polio.

This playwright's Saturday morning cartoon, Casper the Inert Corpse, didn't go over great.

Ghost of Christmas Future was defeated by the Undertaker at Rage in the Case.

Yeah, because he couldn't walk great fast.

Yeah, obviously.

Morgan, check out the song Northern Lights by Patty and the Rats if you don't know it.

I don't know.

It strike me as something that you would like,

but I really don't have a sense of your musical taste, so I'm probably wrong.

All right,

that's how I make musical recommendations to people who actually know music.

You don't have to, as you probably won't.

You're smarter than me on music.

My music is

stupid.

That's why it's great to have bad musical taste.

No one ever asks me what I'm listening to.

Yeah, I just, I have really still Imagine Dragons, man.

Yeah.

They keep making albums for me, and I keep lapping them up.

You know, I really love 4-4, right?

Fucking fucking love Imagine Dragons.

Eli, you and I are going to an Imagine Dragons show.

I would love to go just us and a bunch of guys getting tricked into joining the army.

Hell yeah.

Radio act.

Radio act him.

Get in that desert and die.

Fuck yeah.

High school was hard.

Fuck, that was a gulp.

Try to do a quick sip.

It turns into a gulp really quick.

What you working with?

Just straight up water?

Water, yeah.

Mostly it's water for me these days.

Water and juice.

Juice?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Grape juice.

And you getting into the crayon hybrids?

Oh,

got to

explore the world of crayon.

No, I'm just, I'm still very much a kid.

I'm just like, I almost have to have it in a plastic cup with two hands.

Yep.

Grape and orange.

Grape juice, orange juice, water.

That's pretty cool.

Grape is pretty close to wine.

You could, and can I say from my heart, should tell people you drink wine.

I like grape juice.

Prematurity wine.

I'm a big fan of prematurity wines.

And I was like, dude, you got to wait.

Lost him too soon.

Right?

So good.

Hell of a drug.

Still

rolling on.

Oh, I'm going to actually win this one.

Oh, I lost.

So slow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Heath was even slower.

I know.

I had to go up and down, up and down several times on this one to get to Nancy Kerrigan at him under his desk.

I see.

In his weird squatting desk.

Jeff Galuli.

There you go.

You got a lot of Jeff Galuli going on, actually.

I do.

I do.

Tell me I didn't work for the CIA.

You didn't work for the CIA.

I did, though.

Yeah.

Do you live with your mom?

No.

Do you, though?

That was good.

That was good.

I didn't believe you.

All right.

She should have let him show him the nunchucks.

It is honestly the most missed moment in history when he's like, I could do a demonstration.

And she's like, we don't want that i'm like that's the worst thing that's ever happened

of course he would have done nunchucks for you nancy if you ever wanted this

all right interstitial nobody's bigger than the bit

take one for the team interstitial one all right interstitial one

is there a song that just goes la la la la la la la la la

the grudge girl appearing out of a screen next door was like ah that looks like it sucks

All right, here's

a rapper.

I'm going to do one too.

I'm going to do one too.

Here's the weirdest fucking thing.

When I type the lyrics into my notes, la la la la la la la.

I just type like 19 laws and I got a red underline and I clicked on it and it was just, it gave me 23 laws.

It was like, are you sure you didn't mean four more laws?

Because 19 would be stupid.

See if it corrects your chugga chugga.

See how many chugga chugga.

I was about to ask you to check chugga chugga for the the official answer from Spellcheck.

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