485: Pickleball Princess

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And then he fucking starts limping around like Eli trying to get onto an airplane early or something.

But now we're battling.

I do need extra time.

They didn't ask why.

The answer is because I'm a very special boy.

You write a joke.

Said, retired military or very special boy.

Exactly.

I retired before I ever joined.

Thank me for my not service.

Honestly, yeah, that probably helped us out a ton.

Yes.

God-awful

movie.

Movie.

Welcome to God Awful Movies live from Nashville, Tennessee.

Well done.

Well done.

I am not calling it Nash Vegas.

This is, of course, the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because time travel isn't a thing, so I can't warn myself.

I'm no illusions, but I'm not here alone.

Please put your hands together for my good friend, Heathen Wrights.

Hello.

I like that your scotch is festive.

It is festive.

It's even more festive.

Oh, nice, nice.

And, of course, also joining us tonight, give it up for my bad friend, Eli Boznik.

Listeners at home, he is, I believe,

Dolly Parton.

Baby Partner!

All right, Eli, I

this is

I mean, honestly, like

you're gonna like you might get us in some trouble because this is Tennessee.

Drag is illegal in this state unless, and I, unless

it serves, yes, unless it serves a literary or scientific purpose.

Chipper!

Her name to Bury!

There is Christian!

I appreciate you covering our asses, but it's probably better if you go cover your ass.

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.

All right.

Eli brought cookies.

Yo, I'm moving his fucking cookies.

There you go.

He can have them back at the the intermission.

Nice.

So, I don't know if you noticed this, but the hotel that we're in right now, we're sharing this hotel with a group called Aspire for More.

Oh, it's the Christian businessy.

I don't think it's Christian.

But the name is pissing me off because you can't aspire for less.

The nature of aspirations demands it be for more.

Right?

It's definitely businessy something.

I went past a couple people and I was like, synergy is winery, high five, high five every time.

Yep, high five every time.

Eli is back.

By the way, if you go to the Aspire for More website, whatever you're picturing their CEO looks like,

it's sadder and more divorced.

Okay, okay, so whoever you're picturing, just put a trucker cap on him backwards,

and you got him.

You gotta, yep, you gotta.

You gotta look at it.

You're not ready.

You're not ready.

Wait till January 6th.

Cheer yourself up with it.

We get it now, right?

That's a fun thing.

Right?

We were all like, why would they do that?

We're like, so how many would it take?

Yeah.

I know they didn't do it, but if they had had, like.

I think Kamala is more committed to the cause than Mike Pence was.

That's all I'm saying.

And I think she could take those stairs faster.

All right, so tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Pickleball Princess

by Donald James Parker.

All right, how many people watched it?

Did anybody watch it?

Okay.

All right.

Well, it's like $18 for Donald James Parker.

Yeah.

He needs it.

Oh, boy, we're having sentiments tonight.

Oh, we're living good in the Parker household.

Once the Lord takes his vig,

the juice runneth from the Lord.

All right, well, here's the blurb for this movie from Gramps, DJP Donald James Parker.

It's amazing when you just read it in his own words.

I always know we're in for a treat.

I wrote down his exact words.

When a lifetime tennis player finds his favorite public venue converted into pickleball courts, his dislike for the sport begins.

He wrote hate, clearly, and was like, no, dislike.

After being challenged.

Save the hate, Donald.

Save the hate.

After being challenged.

When Jake Paul challenges you to a box of ears.

That's when the lion will come out of its cage.

He continues.

After being challenged to play pickleball by one of his former tennis buddies, who's never taken a set from him.

All caps.

Exact quote.

He finally consents in order to rebut the claim that he's afraid of losing.

That challenge leads to a change in trajectory of his life

that sends a ripple effect into society.

Or, okay, TLDR version, it's the story of a tennis incel.

That's what it's...

Yup.

Yeah, DJB, he had a crush on a lady who plays pickleball and he learned a sport and made a movie so he could talk to her for a second.

So, Eli,

how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love catching up with your grandma's boyfriend, but you wish his excruciating small talk was about anything other than his batshit political and religious beliefs, you will love this movie.

If you miss Donald James Parker, and God, I miss Donald James Parker,

you will love this movie.

All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best Worst Failed Pop Culture References by Tom James Parker.

He's got like 12 things from like old songs he wants to say.

He wrote a movie around it, and he casts.

He half-remembered episodes of Hee-Haw.

Hee-Haw and Looney Toops.

He keeps swinging and missing really hard, and everybody's just, they hear his quote, and they're just like, what?

What?

And you get long.

Google heard his quote and was like, what?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like J.D.

Vance trying to order donuts as a pop culture reference.

He's just swinging and missing.

Hello today.

All right.

He's going to be the vice president of the artist.

All right.

Don't depress everybody.

Unless RJ60.

Yes.

Unless Kamala has the courage.

Yeah.

So I was going to go with, and I think anybody who watched along with us probably knew one of us was going to go with this one.

I was going to go with best, worst, lip.

Yes.

So much plague.

So for those of you who didn't watch.

Hanging off of his lip the whole time.

Let's fill you in.

There's a guado growing out of his lip in this movie.

And he is not giving the instructions for how to return oxygen to Mars.

It is.

It's sad because sometimes the crazy people we talk about hurt themselves with their crazy.

And that's obviously what happened, right?

He like drank a little too much colloidal silver from the microwave.

That raw milk was straight out the teeth or something.

Like something happened, and that is healing slowly and badly.

Yep.

I don't know if it's healing at all, honestly.

I'm going to go with best, worst, attack on Heath Enright's new hobby.

Yeah.

So, let me spoil this for you all now.

I'm not comfortable about this.

Heath Enright, our very own Heath Enright, has taken up pickleball of late.

He's got a couple of pickleball friends, has a little pickleball club he plays in.

And honestly, had we watched a movie this week of Donald James Parker fucking his fiancé Raw,

it could not have been more ruinous or upsetting.

Months leading up to this, he's been like, you guys should really try it.

It's a lot of fun.

I'm fast growing Sport in America.

He really got a good cardio.

It was great.

And now Donald James Parker swooped in like Batman and was like, oh, I agree with you, Heath.

You and me share a thing.

We don't know.

We share a thing.

Here's the problem.

We like the thing.

We end up sharing like four of them.

I know.

It's just everything in here.

I started having a panic attack.

No, no.

There's literally a spot in this movie where Donald James Parker doesn't like labels.

It's amazing.

All right.

Well, speaking of which, we need to do one more quick sweep of the room to make sure that Donald James Parker isn't hiding among you waiting to united health care our asses.

So

I'm serious, like everyone with gray hair, I'm looking right at you.

So we're going to be back in a minute with all the wide shots of amateur pickleball that are pickleball princess.

And then I'm going to give her one of these.

Exactly.

She'll never see it coming.

Nice.

Hey guys, what you doing?

What's with the boxing gloves?

Oh, we're getting ready to fight Dolly Parton.

The singer?

Yeah, man.

I don't know if you heard, but we're headed to her turf, and she is not going to take that lying down.

Yeah, so we're getting in peak shape for the big brawl.

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Nice, but wait, you said there were two things?

What's the second thing?

Oh, yeah, number two is that Dolly Parton would totally kick your asses.

I mean, she's 78.

I stand by my statement.

Yeah, that's probably fair.

Hey, Donald, you got a second?

Well, hey, Chip Rossetti, of course, always for you.

What's up?

Yeah, so I finished reading your latest script, Pickleball Princess.

Oh, yeah, it sure is a doozy.

Right.

Yeah, I'm just a little worried.

You might have lost the thread a little bit.

Lost the thread?

I didn't even know I was a sweater.

What?

Was it a joke?

Sure.

Okay, so we make Christian films, and Pickleball Princess seems to be more about you

just taking up pickleball.

Well, is it?

Yeah.

And I was looking at some of your future scripts.

We got, um, where did I leave my glasses and the Unlimited Pasta Pass at Olive Garden is a ripoff.

Trespass me from their location.

Right.

These are just very obviously about your personal preferences and activities.

Could we keep it a little more Christian?

What if I promise to shove in my faith at the least possibly opportune moments?

Yeah, that'll be great.

Fantastic.

Hey, did you know that the Olive Garden on state and mainstream?

Oh, man, you told me.

Right.

Yeah, and I saw it on on the news.

The liberal media.

Sure.

They are.

Jewish.

And we're back.

And we're going to get this breakdown story.

We're going to start with that all-too-familiar Sword of the Spirits production logo, which was fun.

And then we get our Pickleball Princess title, which I shit you not.

I could have counted the number of pixels on this title.

Yeah.

Right?

With a little bit of.

The harsh cut and difference between the aspect ratios of the logos in this movie is everything you need to know about the quality of this movie.

Well, and if that didn't clue you in, the opening shot is just people playing pickleball, but the music is pretty sure that we're about to launch Earth's last hope at the asteroid.

Right?

Yeah, I wrote the music here should only be played as firemen jump through windows with multiple babies in their arms.

It felt heroic.

Yeah, I thought DJP was going to come in on like a steed

battle to play.

And then I was.

Here's a homosexual through the chest.

For Christ.

So

also this is so stupid, but the credits in the movie are rolling by way too fucking fast, like he lost control at a certain point.

Okay, one little thing, they fail right away, too.

I have to mention this.

They're playing pickleball, and somebody has a ball picker-upper for multiple pickleballs.

It's like a little tool that grabs it.

She goes over to get a pickleball that's by the fence and immediately gets the tool stuck in the fence and starts wrestling with it and they have to cut.

And that's the opening scene of the movie.

I wanted her to be there later in the film.

Yeah.

127 hours style just gnawing through what's left of the tendon in her shoulder.

Oh, God.

Damn it, Donald.

So then, okay, so now we're going to get Lisa.

Don't worry about remembering that name.

We'll barely ever see her again, but she is the conduit between Jenny the grandma and Penny the the granddaughter.

Yes, Jenny and fucking Penny are the two main female characters in the movie.

And so Lisa has come to her mother, Jenny's house, to tell her that she's concerned about the people that Penny is hanging out with.

But before they can get to that, Lisa has to walk through the house screaming, mom, as though the raptures happened and she just found a pile of clothes outside.

Yeah, the camera is looking for mom too.

Yeah.

So I was getting motion sick, like I was trying to watch VR porn all of a sudden.

That is not what happens when I watch VR porn.

That's because you're not looking for a toddler to walk into the room and then walk back out again, little pants.

Took me a second to go.

You're focusing on the wrong places in your VR porn.

Can I tell you that?

Don't think I am.

One of us is.

Yeah.

So, yeah, but so Lisa goes out and finds finds her mother, Jenny.

There's one up in front.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, I think you're on the other side.

We got you.

We got you, girl.

That was literally my nightmare is what you just did to a person.

Because whenever I leave a room, I'm like, please, I hope no one notices as I come back in.

And no one's just like, look at this motherfucker.

Look, it's all of your exes here to say their least favorite things.

I felt like the show needed to be brought to a screeching halt.

There was great timing.

No.

So Jenny comes in.

Take off your clothes.

This is the VR porn that I'm.

Like a toddler woman in the VR porn.

All right.

We're like 30 seconds into this movie, guys.

Sorry.

So Lisa comes in.

20 minutes of this movie is Pickleball Rules.

No, you're right.

Got to do something, I guess.

So Lisa comes in, finds her mom, who is the exact same age as her, which is weird.

And she tells her about her granddaughter hanging out with the wrong crowd now.

Oh, first she has to fuck with her for eating TV dinners.

Yeah.

I felt like a factor ad was going to start any second, right?

Right?

Ready to heat and eat in just two minutes.

And she says, and she's like, mom, I can't believe you're eating TV dinners again.

And she's like, well, you know, I don't like cooking for one.

And she's like, dad's been dead for almost a year, mom.

Get over it.

Yeah.

To move on.

It felt kind of mean, but I thought there was good advice in there because the advice was you got to get out there and you got to play pickleball.

And I was like, yeah, it's a very sexual scene for old people in my experience of pickleball.

Not for me, but that's what I'm watching around me a lot.

He has very specific VR porn preferences is what we're telling you.

Can I say, if you were better at picking up vibes, it might be.

Miss.

Mrs.

Jorgenston, she's been looking at you the right way.

She's ready for a toddler to wander into the room, if you know what I'm saying.

She's the only 3.0 in pickleball.

I'm not.

That'll make sense later, won't we?

I have to give Heath a great opening for this because I think Heath has maybe found the greatest factoid in the history of IMDb.

Yeah, the act.

Okay, I wrote this down.

Yes.

So, Grandma Jenny, she is played by Kelly Hutchings.

Kelly Hutchings' bio from IMDb IMDb says, Kelly's personal background is varied and colorful.

She has owned an antique store, capitalized, and ran for public office, also capitalized.

Here's my favorite part, though.

She has worked as

tell me what the fuck this means.

She has worked as a counter-drug agent to a Disney princess.

Okay, so this is...

So many confusing all the words in the sentence.

I I should bring out a fucking chart or something about Blackboard.

Well, she worked at a pharmacy, and they were like, hey, Jenny, you got to stop saying you're a pharmacist.

That lady's a pharmacist.

You're a counter-drug agent.

Oh, counter

drug.

But why Disney Princess?

Because the girl was in a costume.

And that was the most exciting thing that has ever happened to County.

So, meanwhile, we cut over to Donald James Parker.

Yeah, but you know what?

The audience at home didn't hear any of this.

I know, I know.

Yeah.

So meanwhile.

That's the type of.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Donald James Parker is having milk and cookies with his grandson Gary and Gary's friend Brad.

And this is amazing.

They're sitting there having fudge striped cookies, and Gary says,

Grandpa, your cooking is the best.

Nobody puts fudge stripes on a plate like you do, Grandpa.

I mean, I love a fudge stripe cookie, but yeah, right.

Brad says, Yeah, I'll come over.

Your cooking is so good, I'll come and visit you anytime.

And then both of them have to be like, Yeah, but he's not your grandpa, man.

That'd be fucking weird if you just showed up here.

And I'm going by memory, by the way, because the only thing I wrote in my notes was lib.

Yeah.

Lib.

Distracted.

I was like, oh, he's got a little fudge stripe on his

devil's fudge.

Yeah.

It's what I call anilingus.

Eating the devil's fudge.

Teeth, have you been eating the devil's fudge again?

You stay out of this pickleball club.

So then we cut to, so Gary and Brad, the two teenagers, they want to go play some basketball.

So they go to the rec center, but damn it, if the basketball courts aren't all taken up with people playing fucking pickleball, right?

Fastest growing sport in America.

Yeah, sure is.

Literally what they say.

They say it for the first time here, and I wrote, Heath yelled into the movie somehow.

Well, okay, okay, I look this shit up, okay?

Yes, that is the fastest-growing sport in America.

You know what the second fastest-growing sport in America is?

It's riding a bike with under-inflated tires in the snow.

So, yeah, winter fat biking, they call it.

So, yeah, third is this podcast.

That's what you had to beat, is all I'm saying, to earn that title.

I don't think it's that important.

So

it's neither here nor there.

Pickleball, number one, great for old people having sex.

Moving on.

All right.

So, but on the way out, so the kids are like, well, they can't wait until all this fucking pickleball shit's done.

They have to play some goddamn basketball.

So they go to leave, but on the way out, Gary, DJP's grandson, who I have,

he's like the poor man's Timothy Chalamet, so I have him as Timothy Chalamay in my notes.

Nice.

As he's walking out, he sees Grandma Jenny with her granddaughter Penny, and it's love at first sight, right?

That'll come back.

So, and we establish here after he leaves, we linger on Penny and Jenny long enough to find out that Penny is also pickleball curious.

That will also also come into play.

All this grandmother and granddaughter will talk about is the sausage they hunt for.

Yes.

The entire time.

They'll just be like, are your flaps soaked?

My flaps are soaked, girl.

There is literally one line between the female characters in this movie that doesn't fail the Bechdel test.

They talk about their tennis shoes at the opening of one of the scenes and then immediately fail the Bechdel.

Grandma, it's like a broken jar of rubber cement down there, I'm telling you right now.

It's all these two characters talk about.

Watch the movie.

Watch the movie.

I didn't make the movie.

You're a man at the movie, not me.

The movie wrote that metaphor in its notes.

So Gary and Brad, they go back to Donald James Parker's house in search of a better basketball court.

And he tells them, you know, there's one, you know, out by the park.

They're like, but they don't provide basketballs.

And they're like, well, can your cheap ass buy a basketball?

And he's like, nope.

No.

He says, well, go to the park, and if there's nobody out there with a basketball you can borrow, we'll play tennis instead.

Real quick, can we talk about Donald James Parker's t-shirt?

I don't think we cannot talk about Donald James Parker's t-shirt.

So it says man up on it, just says man up, but then says 1 Corinthians 13, 14.

As if to say they've paraphrased that verse, and it means man up.

I looked it up.

It says, be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong, do everything in love.

That doesn't sound very manly.

Aspire for more.

Aspire for more.

Synergy is winner.

There you go.

You can't just do that.

You can't just make shit up.

Like Leviticus 18:22, P in the V.

Like, no, no, absolutely not.

Deuteronomy 11:2, no fatties.

Genesis 1,

big if true.

Jamie, look that up.

So they all go to the park.

There's this amazing moment.

They all get to the park, and Brad, the grandson's friend, goes, I have to shit

right away.

I have to shit real bad.

Well, and the only thing.

Because he ate like eight fudge strikes in the last scene in two seconds.

Yeah.

But the only thing more disturbing is Donald James Parker's response to that, which is, that's a call you don't want going to voicemail.

That's nature's call.

That means shitting yourself without knowing it.

It does.

And that is not a universal experience, Donald James Parker.

You're not relating to the kids right now.

Okay.

We've all just had shit run down their legs.

Try to avoid it.

So they want to play tennis, but damn it if these local tennis courts haven't been turning the fucking pickleball courts as well.

So Donald James Parker.

fast is growing support to me.

Yeah, no, clearly.

Clearly.

So Donald James Barker is like, well, you know what?

I'm so pissed about this that I'm damn near ready to pay the fees up at the tennis club rather than relying on this communist tennis.

So they go to leave,

and we have what I consider probably the most amazing moment in the movie, right?

Because Gary turns to grandpa and he goes, hey, you know, Brad's still in the bathroom.

Do you want to pull the car around the side and hide from him and prank him?

And Donald James Barker's like, no.

And then they just backed up.

To the end of this scene.

No.

He wrote himself, he's the guy who wrote the movie.

Yeah.

He wrote himself a setup and no ended himself in his own movie

and ended his own scene.

Means he typed it and he was like, too far, Donald.

Too far.

Right.

This is not full of Riz, Donald.

Lord, today I did something pretty not skippity, Ohio.

So then they go down to the paid tennis courts, and damn if they don't have pickleball there now, too.

And then we have Brad trying to worm his way into Heath's heart by making pickle jokes.

It didn't work.

Nope.

So DJP goes, oh, pickleball.

This is a quote.

Pickleball.

And I'm doing the voice dead ass on if you got 100% right.

Pickleball is the raspberry seed in my wisdom tooth.

Not a fucking saying.

But then Brad, who fucking lives in an orphanage when he's not here, apparently, is like, more like the pickle seed, am I right?

And Gary's like, hey, grandpa, you want to kill Brad?

And then...

His mom's already asleep.

She drinks pretty hard when she gets off her shift.

He'll be missing for days before anyone reports him.

But then, so, but Gary's like, hey, you know, I don't want to do pickleball, grandpa, but, you know, a lot of hot old ladies are doing it.

Maybe you should do it for the pickleball poontang.

It's just horny grandmas in your area do want to play pickleball right no they do but donald james barker hates pickleball when he goes oh sex isn't worth it if you got to play pickleball and so they they storm off it's tennis in sell the movie it really is it really is yeah

so then okay so sometime later though donald james barker is out for a run like he is want to be

very athletic

and he he runs into this buddy of his frank and immediately i was like what happened to royce remember best friends recycled Jackson?

Nowhere to be found.

Did they have a falling out?

I demand to know more.

It's a separate cinematic universe.

Okay, all right.

I was wondering maybe if Royce was here with some beans to spill.

No, okay.

Where fucked my wife.

So he goes to talk to his buddy Frank and he's like, hey, Frank, do you want to play some tennis?

We play tennis a lot, you and I.

And he goes, nah, you know, my knees aren't really up for tennis anymore.

Nowadays, I'm playing, you guessed it, pickleball.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Okay.

Fuck yeah, he is.

So here's what happens then: Donald James Parker attempts to make a yucky noise.

But a Donald James Parker yucky noise and the noise of the last swan coming super hard

are identical.

So the way he says, I'm going to need a barf bag will haunt me till the moment I die.

Yeah.

He's like,

oh.

Oh, my God.

That's like a mating call or something.

You're going to end up.

And Royce is going to come in now.

I thought you meant Natalie Portman.

Come in.

Or Milakunis, you meant a swan, the animal.

Black swan.

That's what he said.

Got it.

Swan.

So then, did you not like the idea of Mila Kunis or Natalie Portman coming?

Coming extra hard.

That's positive.

I don't understand where you were going.

Check in with me more.

So now his buddy is trying to, Frank is trying to talk him into playing somebody.

Fuck me lacunaism, all right?

So now his buddy Frank is trying to talk him into playing some pickleball.

And Donald James Parker's shitting on it constantly, right?

He's like, you know, we can go over here and play.

I actually have a second racket because my wife plays.

And Donald James Parker says, almost, quote, well, if your fat ass wife could play, how athletic could it possibly be?

Literally.

He has a mobility advantage.

Yes, he mentions it.

Well, you know that because he mentions it 13 times in this scene.

He mentions his mobility advantage in this scene three times.

Yep.

If you mention your mobility vanish and you can't daredevil poof, what's not daredevil?

What's his name?

Nightcrawler.

Nightcrawler poof.

Yes.

If you can't nightcrawler poof.

I went to Mortal Kombat.

Scorpion does it too.

No, he goes down and comes back up again from the other scene.

I have a question about Scorpion because this movie is about nothing.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah.

When Scorpion goes, does he go to hell for a little bit?

Yeah, he is, of course.

And does he, on the way down, is he like talking to you, he's like, yeah, I'm in a fight with a guy up there.

Just use your spear thing.

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna

tell him to get over here.

He killed my master?

So

it's been like a

huge.

Yeah.

So then, so I have to throw this line out, too, because in his effort to convince Donald James Parker to play pickleball, Frank says pickleball is, and I quote, chess on a court.

It's not, though.

Heath, would you say it's like chess on a court?

I think it's very much like chess on a court.

I don't think it is.

I don't believe you.

I do.

But then, so, so he's, so Frank is.

I have a pretty good mobility advantage when I play too.

Chess.

Yeah.

You also make a mean fudge stripe.

Thank you.

Yeah.

He goes through hell every time.

Yes.

So Frank is like, oh, I guess you're just scared to play me at pickleball, huh?

And he has this Marty McFly, hey, yellow kind of a moment.

And he's like, I'm not scared to, oh, sorry.

I'm not scared to play pickleball.

I'm worried that my tennis reputation would suffer if somebody saw me playing it.

Right?

Because he's got a tennis reputation to protect.

No, he doesn't, though.

We watch him play.

You are underestimating his mobility.

You know, during that entire game, every time someone biked by, it was like, I'm just trying something.

Don't tell everyone.

I play tennis.

So he and Frank go to play a little bit of pickleball.

But first, Frank is going to have to explain literally every fucking rule and every contingency in every possible way.

Everybody who watched the movie is nodding along with me, like, yeah, that goes on for about 14 fucking minutes.

I wrote in my notes: if I'm learning pickleball, my wife should be proud of me for being nice to one of her friends' husbands.

This isn't fair.

I should get like a knee squeeze in the car home.

Like, you did really good.

That was nice.

Yeah.

You didn't tell him to kill himself at all.

Not once.

I tell people to kill themselves.

Also,

to make this even

weirder, as he's doing this 26-minute introduction to pickleball, the music is pretty sure that someone is lifting a log off of their mortal enemy somewhere, right?

It's never remotely appropriate.

Pickleball is very dramatic.

It's a dramatic game.

It's exciting.

As Donald James Parker is learning, he finally gets a good serve, so he screams into the microphone.

But I guess he didn't.

He cheated or something.

He fucked it up.

And during this explanation,

I don't want to dwell on this for too long, but I have to point this out.

During this explanation, Donald James Parker says, apropos of absolutely not a goddamn thing,

I've never used algebra in my entire life.

What a strange brag.

But also, like, how?

How did you ever?

How?

No, based on the amount of things Donald James Parker knows, I believe it, right?

He's the one kid who was like, when am I ever going to use this?

That the teacher was like, solid point, Donald, solid point.

You should make movies for the rest of your life where people compliment you.

So, yeah, so we learn all the rules.

We learn about Ernie's, which is a kind of shot and pickleball.

Sweet shot.

We learn about ATPs, which is amazing because they want to show us an ATP, but they couldn't actually film somebody get one.

Yes, right.

So they just kind of like vaguely allude to it, and we watch someone else watch someone do it and go, oh, that was a really impressive shot.

He's an ATP for sure.

Sure, sir.

If ever I saw one, like chess.

Court.

He goes, you can't serve from the kitchen.

And Donald James Parker goes, my head is like,

but his mouth clearly sticks together, so he he can't make the sound.

He can't just make the

right, so it sounds like he's trying to hack up a hairball.

He goes over.

That's when a swan really comes.

I was going to say, it's like Donald Duck autoerotically excites similar.

Yeah, there you go.

There you go.

So.

This is the rest of the two-hour show, just so you guys know.

very first is just those noises.

The first meme.

So Donald James Parker,

I almost said Donald Duck yell, I really did.

So Donald James Parker, he loses.

And then he

just like that.

There's no fucking way for it to stop.

You should mute my mic.

It doesn't matter.

You reach over there and smack it.

The second half of this thing, I'm just going to be Hannibal lectured up.

You're never getting your cookies back.

But then we get Heath's best words, right?

Because he loses and he goes, he says a quote.

He's clearly quoting some movie or something.

Google does not know what movie he's quoting.

Google was like, what?

Yeah.

What reference are you making in your movie?

Me and Heath both Googled it, and we both got a reference.

Google was like, maybe he's misquoting the 1946 Warner Brothers cartoon called The Great Piggy Bank Robbery and so we both watched it and we're like no it wasn't that

it was a good cartoon though

I used Chat GPT which just fucking lies so it was like yeah no I've seen that movie

I love that one

it was great film so now

So we cut to Penny and Jenny.

They're going to play pickleball at the rec center at the Methodist church so that there can be a gigantic fucking cross in the background of like two-thirds of the rest of this movie's shots.

But it's like lazily leaned, right?

It is, yeah, yeah.

Like if I had the monument to my Savior, I wouldn't just put it anywhere.

Right.

So I don't know if you guys saw the step and repeat on the way in, but if you'd seen the absolute nearly company-destroying fight that went with putting that fucking thing together, you would know how bad they'd had to do for us to talk shit about this.

Right.

If you'd ever come down and demand a 15-minute time period that summarizes our company, it is us trying to put that up

at four o'clock in the afternoon and giving up for huge periods of time.

Huge periods of time.

We were just like, fuck it.

It's not possible.

It's missing fucking pieces.

It must be.

I lied to Eve at one point about what I was doing.

He was like, are you pushing?

And I was like,

why did you lie, though?

What is that game?

I'm Chat GPT.

I'm ChatGPT.

Oh my God.

So, okay, so Benny and Jenny, god damn it, arrive at the Methodist.

It's a great time.

We are.

No, it's like only 40 minutes for this first eight minutes of the movie.

So Benny and Jenny show up, and

this lady gives us way too much information about how they decide who's going to play the next match at the pickleball matchmaking thing.

I wish I knew the technical term, right?

I don't have it.

I was hoping that you would, yeah.

Picklepicking.

It's called pickle picking.

Picking a pack of picklepicking.

Bilateral system.

Eliminates the weak.

So then, so Penny.

You're mean as Worgan.

So Penny and Grandma Jenny go, they sit down, and Penny looks over at Grandma, and she's like, oh, are you I fucking a man?

And she's like, well, if I wasn't I fucking a man, we would pass the Bechdel test, so yes.

Grandma says

snow on the chimney doesn't mean the fire is out.

Okay, all right, guys,

I want to emphasize that Donald James Parker paid a 17-year-old girl to say that about him.

Right?

But when I do it, it's a felony.

Or actually, so, right, no, wait, wait, wait.

I can't remember.

I don't remember who pointed this out, so apologies to whoever pointed this out, but somebody pointed out that on Donald James Parker's website, if you look up this movie and you look up this actress, the only thing it says about her is, she's 18 years old.

They don't name the ages of any fucking buddy else, but there's a little note on the thing that says, no, it's okay, she's 18, guys.

The cops came to my house again.

I was just trying to make that explosion.

There's this really fucking weird moment, too, where, like, they're talking about, like oh, you know grandma are you looking at Donald James Parker?

You think he's pretty hot you flirting and then Grandma Jenny turns to Benny and she's like, you know

Many women are physically and mentally abused by their partners.

And we're like what the fuck just happened?

Why though?

What are you doing movie?

But then okay, so we they have this completely out of fucking nowhere discussion about abuse and everything and then a guy comes over to flirt with Jenny now I don't know what the fuck was up with this particular particular artistic choice, but the guy sits completely out of frame and starts talking to her.

Like,

who it is is going to be a big reveal, but it's not.

They just didn't know how to, like, I guess they couldn't get the camera far enough back to get both of them in the shot.

This is David, though.

He's very important.

I have him as pickleball fuckboy in my notes throughout.

Yes, he is pickleball fuckboy.

And let me just say, because there's going to be a love interest between Jenny, David the Pickleball Fuckboy, and Donald James Parker.

And like, clearly the correct answer is David the Pickleball Fuckboy.

It turns out to be a racist later, but like just physically, there's no.

He's got the DJ voice.

He's like, hello, ladies.

Very sexy.

But then he comes up and he gives,

he starts talking about Beasley.

He says to her, he goes, so what's your pickleball rating?

I know your rating as a female is 10, but.

Yeah, right?

I know, I know, but this is still better than Donald James Parker, trust me.

And Donald James Parker wrote that and wrote, oh, boy, Donald, careful.

You start making duck noises anymore.

303 calls me back into its clutches.

Oh, Bible man.

But this is.

You made me write my inner thoughts.

So, but this is where David explains pickleball ratings to us.

Apparently, pickleball players are rated from one to five in increments of 0.5.

And they do it themselves?

Yeah, they do.

So I'm a 4.0.

Could you?

It's not a big deal.

Do they not have little trophies you can give yourself?

They have to let you make it.

You actually go in and buy as many trophies as you want.

That's correct.

Because I learned.

It's correct.

No, you do rate yourself.

I went to.

It's so stupid.

There's a pickleball club in Ann Armour, and they were like, oh, rate yourself to start on the app.

So a friend of mine who played with me is like, You're probably like a 3.5 or 4.

You could put that down.

So, I put down 3 to be conservative.

And then to sign up for a thing, they were like, Oh, you have to be a 3.5 or higher.

And I was like, I can't change my rating on the thing.

I'm pretty sure I'm a 3.5.

You have to buy a lesson.

They made me buy a lesson to get, and I, they won't let me play.

They won't let me play.

You bought a lesson and they were like, No, I refused to buy the lesson, but they would I don't believe you.

From my heart, I want you to know that you bought the lesson, and an 87-year-old woman was like, You're not quite there yet.

I think you might get hurt.

So,

it's okay.

She's really mean about it.

So, this is the point where Penny and Jenny, they get paired to play a pickleball against Donald James Parker and some character we've never met named Mark.

So, Mark shows up and points out how dumb it is that these characters are named Penny and Jenny, right?

He actually says, well, that's stupid.

It's like you're in a movie written by a fucking idiot.

She goes, what's your dad's name, Lenny?

And she goes, no, we're related through my mom.

And he's like, it's just a.

Oh, and we should point out that they have no idea how to capture audio in a gym.

I'll admit, it's tricky, right?

They didn't even try.

So Mark starts talking shit about Donald James Parker's shitty pickleball paddle.

Apparently,

he didn't pay the big bucks.

He went for the cheap wooden one.

You don't have a cheap wooden one, do you?

No, I do not.

It's foam-injected or some bullshit I looked up.

I don't know.

It was a pretty good one.

I really am a 4.0.

So then...

Shut up.

I feel like everybody was laughing.

This is going badly for me.

Yeah, it sure is.

You're supposed to laugh with me.

That's the point of the show.

So after that.

And here's all his exes to say their least sail.

So after the game, which Donald James Parker wins, by the way, he wins the pickleball, Jenny pauses to tell him how awesome and athletic he is and how unbelievable it is that he hasn't been playing pickleball longer than this, given how good he is at it.

She's 18.

It's fine.

All right.

But yes, once again, someone has, and you know, if you want to play along, you can drink every time somebody Donald James Parker is paying compliments him.

But that being said, there is no plot point in this movie.

That means that

the break can be any goddamn where, so it might as well be here.

So we're going to take a break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more Pickleball Princess.

Heath!

Heath Enright, wake up!

Santa?

Twinkletoes?

What are you doing in my room?

Like, you don't know.

Cough them up.

Cough, what up?

Your Christmas wishes.

You are impossible to shop for.

Oh,

I don't know.

I'm sure whatever people get me, it's going to be fine.

You want me to rough him up, Santa?

You said it, Twinkle Toes.

I'll hold his arms.

Wait,

I thought of something.

I thought of something.

Why don't you get me an aura frame?

What's an aura frame?

It's the digital picture frame everyone loves.

It has unlimited storage, so you and the rest of the family can upload as many pics to the frame as you want year-round.

All you need is the free Aura app.

It's true.

I got one for Mrs.

Claus this year.

You can even set it up while it's in the box, so whoever you give it to just has to plug it in and it's ready to go.

All right, Heath, I'm sold.

Where do you get one of these Aura frames?

Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver Matte frames by using promo code AWFL at checkout.

That's A-U-R-Aframes.com.

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Terms and conditions apply.

All right, then.

Back to sleep, Heathen Wright.

And hey, thanks for the milk and cookies.

Oh, no, I set those out for me.

You set out milk and cookies for yourself?

Yes.

It's December 3rd, man.

You're December 3rd.

It's a getahead.

It's a get-a-head.

It's a get-a-head.

And then he shows back up to the pickleball court with a gun.

Right, Donald?

Chip, what have we said about interrupting the creative flow?

Yeah, right.

Creative flow.

No, you've mentioned it.

It's just someone's been shot in your last four movies now.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah, man.

Your characters basically lose arguments to you till someone dies by gunshot wound,

unless it's you, but that gunshot just means everyone now agrees with you, regardless of where they were before oh yeah i suppose i could be a little chekovian in my firearm use yeah i don't think chekhov would love that comparison listen donald is it possible that you get very excited about your arguments and ideas but don't particularly have a lot of plot to back them up so you just do something extreme like shoot someone or give somebody aids to feel like you've wrapped things up

oh well oh look out chip it's a wild podcaster

Sorry, I shot your friend because I couldn't figure out how to end this sketch.

Uh-huh.

Don't you have any jokes about the movie itself this week?

Nope.

I had to rate these before I watched the movie.

Oh, yeah, got it.

Second gunshot.

I just killed him.

And we're back.

And

we're going to rejoin the action still at the Pickleball Church Court.

This is Pickleball Church, I guess.

With David.

So the match is over now.

Jenny sat down.

David has come back to flirt with her some more.

He explains that he has actually an annual pass at the racket club, so no big deal.

So do I, actually.

I don't pay monthly.

I pay annual.

He's making this.

All right, but he has the most expensive racket.

No, he doesn't.

First of all, it's insane to say that out loud, whether it's true or not.

It's not true.

Speak your truth, boy.

Speak your truth.

He does not.

He had, okay, I wrote to.

He checked it.

I paused it, and I was like, oh, what does he got?

He's working with a good racket?

No.

He's got the third shot drop, Kratos Model HSE.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Also, you can get it for like $250.

He says it's $300.

I checked on Google.

I'm like, this is $250 fucking bucks.

You overpaid, you asshole.

It's a paddle for fucking goons with no finesse.

Anybody who knows knows

you have no finesse if you use that piece of shit.

You can't find the clitoris with the third shot.

Kratos model, HSC.

If you have the Kratos, you've never heard.

Not once.

Not once.

What do you, Heath, can I ask?

What am I working with?

There's no question.

Do you miss your dad?

Do you want me to pour you another drink, bud?

Good night, everybody.

What pickleball paddles?

Shut up.

Hey, Heath, can I ask you a completely different fucking question?

You know, I think my dad would want me to tell you

which paddle I have.

I have a Selkirk Lux Control Air in victim model.

It's not a big deal.

No, it isn't.

It really isn't.

But yes, it is.

Thank you.

Correct.

And it's awesome.

You could say it's pretty pickleball.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is.

I'm in.

So, yeah, so David is explaining how smooth and girthy his paddle is when David and Jenny and Donald James Parker and another character we've never met named Marcy are picked for the next match.

I like Marcy because she's the only good pickleball player.

She was actually really good at her.

She's in it for like two seconds.

Yeah, at this point she says, hey guys, that was a nice volley.

And David loses his fucking mind correcting her and saying it was a rally, not a fucking rally.

I wrote, wow, real Heath and Noah board game vibes.

Okay, he's right, though.

It is a rally.

It is a rally, though, yeah.

Why am I demonstrating?

He's about to become a giant racist, so I'm not going to be able to do that.

Yeah, no, don't

say that.

He's wrong about all the stuff.

And then they argue, David and Donald James Parker argue about whether the ball was in or out.

It was out.

It was out by like a click.

It was a dick move.

You're a dick to call that out in a game in a church.

Right.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Go big or go home.

But after that game, Donald James Parker runs up to Mark and he explains that he's, you know, he said before that he was going to just get good enough at pickleball to beat his tennis rival Frank, and then he was going to quit.

But that's not the case anymore.

Now he's going to stick around until he can beat David, the pickleball fuckboy.

Oh, yeah.

But to do that, he's going to need a better paddle.

Mark explains that, David once again explains that David has the most expensive paddle on the market.

Nope.

No, he doesn't.

I literally, I found pickleball, but it's insane, but there are pickleball paddles that go for over a thousand fucking dollars if you're an idiot.

There's also, there was a weird moment here.

Sorry.

Present company excluded.

See, I do miss my talent.

I was distracted at this point because this is when Heath started telling us in our notes about how he was rated too low and the club won't let him change it.

So, my notes for this scene read: Hey, Heath, you mind not being super fucking tragic.

I'm trying to make fun of Donald James Parker, and you're up there being like, Gladys says there wasn't really a bunch of people.

It's like $100 for an eval from Gladys.

It's crazy.

For me to come to lunch, but I know she has a minivan, and Edna's Walker fits in the back.

So, yeah, but Mark warns him all about.

Mark tells him that David says he's a 4.0, but he's no 4.0.

Bunch of bullshit.

He also explains that there are pickleball clicks, and you have to really know about the sharks and the jets kind of stuff that they've got going.

And then he says, so he says to Donald James Parker, he's like, so are you playing in the senior Olympics?

He's like, oh, what's that?

And he's like, oh, that's the finale of the movie.

He's like, well, I probably would assume I am then, yeah.

He says, well, what kind of paddle should I get?

He's like, well, the paddle I use is a temper tantrum is the name of the brand.

And Donald James Parker is like, I've got a type five on that.

Buckle the fuck in

because tempered tantrum is also a phrase that makes it.

Yeah, a phrase, it's a thing.

Yeah, that he was

the title of the paddle.

Jesus.

It's a good five minutes.

It is.

Yep, yep, emails.

He tells it like someone's dad at an open mic, just like, um,

oh, well, I suppose if it was,

um, where is it on my cue cards?

I'm so happy to be here for Jessica's wedding.

No, wait, that's a different one.

It's fucking

brutal.

So, yeah, so then he calls Gary, his grandson, and he tells him that he needs a pickleball training partner.

That is the plot.

So we cut to Donald James Parker and Gary having some honey nut Cheerios together.

Okay, this is where

my panic attacks started happening because I was like, I also like honey nut Cheerios.

I've now shared two pretty big preferences with Donald James Parker.

It gets worse.

Yeah.

I mean, come on, we all like honey nut Cheerios, right?

They fucking romp.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay.

Wow, like nine fucking people.

Jesus Christ.

Y'all have heart attacks.

Eat your goddamn fiber, people.

Are you all okay?

Apple cinnamon.

Perverts, okay.

Let me ask for my fellow children in the audience.

Lucky charms.

Yeah!

You get can tell me what to do now I'm a fucking adult I'll eat marshmallows for breakfast every goddamn day mom haha turned out fat anyways

chocolate milk

you guys get it we had sex too early also

it was not okay

so

they get it they get it they're holding space for it like that song in Wiccan

So also, there's this amazing fucking moment in the movie here.

That was the last straw.

So there's an amazing moment here where Gary and they're sitting around having some more of his great cooking.

He cooked honey nut Cheerios this time.

And Gary says, why is it called pickleball?

And Donald James Parker explains, he says, well, you know, it's not really known.

exactly why it's called pickleball.

It is known.

I think the person who invented it is still alive.

And they told the story.

But Donald James Burger says: one of the stories people tell is that it's named after their dog, Pickles, the couple that came up with it.

They had a dog named Pickle, and that's the name.

And that's not it.

Pickles was named after the fucking sport existed.

Like, this is a known goddamn thing.

I just thought it was so fucking weird that he'd bring this up in the movie, even though he doesn't know the goddamn answer.

He got it.

I didn't even know he got it.

He was like, fun, not fact.

Yeah, right.

Also, it was invented by a congressman at their summer home.

Could you have a less sympathetic audience?

Right, yeah, exactly.

Well, the servants were bleeding out, you see.

So the full court couldn't be used.

That's the honest, the truth of it is.

Who's that guy in a mask?

It's called pickleball because apparently there's a term in like in rowing called the pickleboat, which is like the leftover rowers that didn't get picked for a team, and because it used leftover materials for a sport, that's why it's called pickleball.

And so, like, even the origin is such a douchey summer home ass.

Who the fuck knows we're not going to do it?

You You know the expression for when the servants drop a second tea tray and you're going to kill them.

Right, yes, right, yeah, exactly.

Pickling, if you will.

So there I am, bathing in the blood of a baby.

And I thought, tennis makes too much run, run.

Whap.

Or maybe it's my dog.

I don't know.

I'm a weird liar.

Like Eli and Chad GPT.

So Donald James Parker and Gary, they arrive at the pickleball court, and who should be there but Jenny and Penny.

Oh, yeah, it's getting a little hot in here.

So this is where Gary meets Jenny officially, right?

They were I fucking earlier, but Gary says, Jenny goes, how old are you?

And he goes, 17?

She goes, ha ha, I'm 17.

We have so much in common.

Chris scrolls across the screen like a Chiron.

She's just kidding.

She's 18.

Yeah, right.

So, and then there's this really weird moment where like she's obviously like, into Gary, and

she's like, so, and we have a lot in common.

And he goes, so was your grandma seeing anybody?

And then he goes, for my grandpa, for fuck, my grandpa, I was trying to get him laid.

I'm not trying to fuck her, though.

Unless she's into that.

And I heard the rubber cement thing earlier in our streets.

So, but Benny's.

No condoms.

So Benny's like, no, you know, she's she's taking, she's fucking pickleball fuckboy David, but he's a bit of a prick.

If you want, we can parent-trap him.

You know, we'll get them together.

So they're like, okay, and is that the plot now?

They're like, fuck yeah, man, that's the plot now.

So they team up with the goal of making Jenny and Donald James Parker fuck.

Meanwhile, Donald James Parker and Jenny are chatting about trying to make Gary and Penny fuck.

It's really good writing.

Yeah.

Well, honestly,

there was a moment here where I'm like, Donald, did you just farce?

He didn't.

Because they will forget entirely about the part where Jenny and Donald James Burke are supposed to be hooking the other kids up.

They'll forget about that entirely after this scene.

The closest Donald gets to farce is that every time he's sitting in a room, he's like, we all want to fuck each other right now.

I feel it.

They feel it.

But only the scripts of my movies can say it outside.

We get this quick scene with this ghost.

In act one,

it was the duck.

In act two, we're going to get a ghost orgasm.

We move on in this show.

So we cut to Donald James Parker asking Gary what they're sitting in his kitchen.

They're standing around in his kitchen.

I mean, he's like, so what did you think of that last scene?

And he's like, it was fine, I guess.

It was all right.

Okay.

I knew you were going to talk about this.

Heathen.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

To the movie, but nothing matters to the fucking movie.

There's a microwave and an oven in the scene.

They both have a clock.

Yep.

They're not the same time.

No, they're not.

It's all of Heath Sonoma.

I have a page.

100% of 40 notes are like if you could just push the button on the oven, it's the time set button, and then you just press the up thing on the temperature controls.

You get 30 seconds max difference between

just fixing it.

Yeah, because it's like a minute and 40 seconds, right?

They never have the same minute.

There's like seven minutes difference between my alpha and

my

sends me pictures of this.

Yep.

Yep.

And his parking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's minutes away from the space sometimes.

It's like a dimensionality thing.

So then we get, so Donald James Parker and Gary are meeting Penny and Jenny for another game of pickleball some other time.

This is the part where Donald James Parker tries to flirt with Jenny and misses.

And I wrote in my notes at this point: it is super uncomfortable to reflect on how much of my life has now been spent watching this man pretend to flirt with women that he is paid to pretend to be into it.

Yeah,

that's like you know, a percent now of my entire life spent.

It's so he has to be like, I like his calves,

is what I was paid to say.

I'm 18.

Also,

There was a moment here.

The two girls, one cup girls are like, you've got to do something better with your family.

I feel bad for her.

I really do.

They're German.

So then we're...

Then we get this weird scene.

This is...

Like, there are so many scenes in this movie that don't matter.

We're skipping a bunch of them and shit.

We had to set a pretty low bar for mattering mattering in order not to skip all of them.

But this scene, it never plays into the movie in any other fucking way, but we can't not talk about it because they're just playing pickleball, Jenny and Donald James Parker and a couple characters we've never met.

When one of those characters suddenly has a heart attack and dies.

This is unrelated.

We've never met this character before.

We will talk about him once in the next scene and never again.

The fact that he dies will factor into the plot in no fucking way.

Donald James James Parker was like, this man, we need an emotional beat here.

Art dies.

In fairness, this happens about once per time I visit the football facility.

In reality.

So

I love to.

It's an accurate portrayal.

So Jenny starts doing CPR on the guy.

After that, somebody who's way closer to the microphone than anybody else goes, if you don't CPR, do that.

So good.

When Jenny is over the guy who's dying, she's saying, stop, stop, stop, which I really enjoyed.

She was like, you're making a scene.

You're embarrassing me.

And then she tries to dial 911 and gets it wrong.

You watch her be like,

no.

Why did they stop at the rotary?

Why would they show that?

Just cut the part where he can stop.

There's no second cuts.

Takes, rather.

So then we cut to more pickleball on a different day.

Donald James Parker, between matches, he stops in to ask Jenny about heart attack guy.

He's like, well, how's Art?

And she's like, dad.

And he goes, oh, well, it's a depressing thing to throw in the middle of our fucking movie.

Well, that's why you should always consult with your doctor because

there is a very blamey moment where she's like, well, you know, he didn't consult with his doctor before transerting a new exercise regimen, and that's very important.

So fuck that guy.

It was a really funny bonus bonus episode, Noah.

You should have known better.

But then Donald James Parker says, well, you know, that's really bad.

Oh, no, that's really bad because that would maybe discourage people from playing pickleball, knowing that you could have a heart attack.

To which Jenny says, yes, but if you stop playing pickleball because you're afraid of dying, haven't you died already?

That's wisdom right there.

I think we can all agree.

I'm starting to get sold pickleball.

So then, okay.

So I'm definitely going to die on the pickleball.

Like, soon.

I think you're going to get kicked out for yelling at a lady.

Why a lady?

She's going to be like, you're a 3.0.

You're not supposed to be in this tournament.

And you're going to be like, fuck you, Gladys.

If I didn't get kicked out, I'm glad your husband died.

He molested your daughter.

And they're going to be like, get out, Heath.

We said.

We said you couldn't mention that again.

Not about yourself.

They gave me one.

You ruined Christmas.

We'll see how it goes.

So then, okay.

Gladys is kind of a bitch.

Thank you.

Speak your truth.

So then, so he leaves.

Don Jesus Parker gets up and walks off.

I'm still trying, man.

Somehow I keep this car on the road every fucking week.

So then, so David comes back, right, sits down next to Jenny, and she's like, Why were you talking to that fucking loser?

What are you guys talking about?

He's a fucking loser.

He's barely even a fucking 3.0.

And she goes, Well, we were actually talking about the guy who died of a heart attack.

And he's like, Well, he's a 0.0 now.

Like, fuck that guy, too.

And then, and then,

in case your jaw just wasn't familiar with the floor, David looks up and he sees two, two, he sees a black couple that's come in and he says, and I quote,

Well, I hope I don't get matched with those coloreds.

Look, guys, I wasn't ready for the racism.

I mean, it's Donald James Parker movie.

I was ready for a little racism.

I wasn't ready for 1961 racism, though, right?

I was unprepared.

Think about how racist Donald James Parker had to be.

That when he had to write a racist character, he had to be like, who would the Disney Crows not like very much?

Jesus Christ.

All right.

So, but here's the thing, though.

And there's actually kind of an important lesson in here because this is Donald James Parker trying to prove how progressive he is, right?

Because he's going to go then and make friends with this African-American couple

and say, well, see, I'm very progressive and I'm not racist at all.

So in order to make Donald James Parker not seem racist, he needed David to compare himself to, right?

He needed a guy that would walk into the pickleball court and say, well, I'm not playing if there's going to be mulattoes here, right?

That was, that's the game.

Everyone blood test before the pickleball game.

116.

116.

Yeah, right.

So, but, but Donald James Parker, he goes, Jenny walks away because she hears that and she's like, she's like, you know, that's gross.

I don't want to be around you anymore.

And we're like, go, Jenny.

She will forgive him in two scenes.

She totally will.

Stands up.

Before you get too on Jenny's side.

So she walks over and Donald James Parker's sitting with this couple and he's like, oh, Jenny, I want you to introduce my new friends.

And then he just sits there for a while realizing that he's forgotten their names.

Their fictional names that he wrote.

And he just sits there real awkward for a second and goes, oh, my new friends.

And they're like, I'm Billy, I'm Billy.

Do you think there's a cutscene where he tried to make up their names and they were like,

I am not going to be Shaquoya in your fucking...

Yeah, right, right.

The minute you said Sha, the the answer was no.

The answer was no, Donald.

Fucking Billy, dude.

All right, all right.

So, yeah.

They don't name you Billy.

That's crazy.

So then, so they explain this couple, Billy and Connie explain that they're thinking, they live in Atlanta, but they're thinking about moving to Crossville, Tennessee, where this movie starts.

But they're really worried about, they're like, but we're not sure if people like us will be welcome in Crossville.

And Donald James James Parker said says he goes you mean city people

and then Jenny pipes in and says but sports have been great for you black people oh my god

and what this African-American gentleman was forced to say I assume at gunpoint was

yep they sure have

so So it's so much worse because the woman, the woman says, Connie says, again Donald James Parker paid an African-American woman to say to him and I quote well the South has come a long way since we were kids

hey Tennessee let me ask you something

do you feel like the south has come a long way since you were kids yeah I didn't think so okay that's why we eat lucky charms for breakfast am I right you gotta You gotta cope however you can.

Okay, so this was going back.

Art stars, horseshoes, coping and stuff.

But it could go so much worse, Heath.

Imagine.

So it's going badly for Donald James Parker, or whatever his fucking name is in the movie.

And he's thinking, like, okay, no, no, but let me relate.

I can save this.

I'm going to save it.

You remember Get Together by the Youngbuts?

We're going to sing it together.

He's just randomly starts singing.

Come on, people now.

Smile on your brother.

Yeah, that was actually gentlemen's face.

Imagine

you're meeting a black person for the first time.

Swing Lord!

Sweet change!

He stops.

Been driving round job with a girl all along.

My favorite turned out to be a day rapist.

Do you remember that?

That was crazy.

You're Jewish, right?

You remember if I were a rich man?

Yes.

Ho-vo!

Hovo!

So,

and then, okay, my favorite part of this fucking scene is that everybody else starts singing along like harumfully.

They don't want to sing along, right?

So they start singing along with them, but the microphone they're using is directional.

So when one person starts singing, the other person's voice drops out entirely.

And they are not singing enthusiastic.

No, no.

These people are like, mm-hmm.

So they're like.

This is why we lost the election right here.

This movie.

Donald James Parker is why we lost the election.

Okay.

Not enough pickleball and him.

So they prove how racist they are by inviting this couple to drive around in their car and have dinner at Jenny's place.

And then Jenny invites them.

She's like, I'd like you to come over for dinner because of just the content of your character.

That's it.

That's what I, yep.

But this is where Billy and Connie realize.

Fuck the police.

Yep.

Maybe we could clasp hands in a photo.

Yes.

So then, so they invite him out.

This is where Billy and Connie realize that they're not married, that Donald James Parker and Jenny aren't married, because as Donald James Parker explains at this point, they don't like labels.

I'm sorry, I'm just telling them what.

This is like four.

I don't know.

It's like four.

It's three.

I think.

How's your lip?

It's only three.

Is your lip okay?

This is my dad.

We cut to Penny and Jenny showing Penny's mom how into pickleball they are.

Now, I love the scene.

The only reason we even bring this scene up is because she says at this point, like, hey, look, Lisa, I bought new shoes for pickleball.

That is the only line in the scene that doesn't fail the Bechtel test.

Right?

Like, literally, every single other line is about either David or Donald James Parker.

The people who watch the movie are nodding along with me, like, yes, we noticed.

The rechel test.

But she sort of explains the love triangle that the movie's established so far.

And she says that she likes David because he's rich.

Right?

That's good.

But she's not really interested in what a man has in his bank account.

She's interested in what a man has right here in his lavalier mic.

So loud.

It's a big thumb.

So loud.

It's a big thumb.

Yeah.

She says at this point, she doesn't want a mansion if there's a tear in every room.

Yes.

I want a mansion of fucking tears.

Yes.

You can just matter.

Is that like a different translation of the Bluebeard story that I haven't heard?

It's like, and you must never enter the tear room.

I think it's from a song, but it's another one of those pop culture references of Donald James Parker's.

Dolly Parton B-side.

Yeah.

So then we cut to Jenny and David.

They're playing some pickleball.

This is where David like forgives her for talking to the black couple at the thing, right?

He forgives her for not being racist.

She's like, well, first of all, I didn't apologize for that.

And he's like, but you wanted to.

I could tell.

And then she continues the conversation.

Right.

She's like, you got me.

I did.

And then it gets really fucking weird because this is the scene where they're going to break up.

But she's like, well, you know, I've been starting to feel lately like you're treating me like a pickleball trophy.

And we're like, Okay, that's bad, but like he's also a raging fucking racist.

He's going to be colored with a U in the last scene.

Jenny, focus up, girl.

Right.

Okay, this is a good point.

I don't like what I wrote, which was like, I'd be honored by being the pickleball trophy.

Okay, that's four.

That's four now.

That's four.

How many do I get?

He goes,

it's not four.

But she breaks up with him, and he says, and I quote, you're as big as a loser as Donald James Parker's character.

His name is Thomas.

So he says, you're as big as a loser as Tommy Boy.

And my spell check is like, are you fucking sure, man?

And I'm like, yeah, man, I fucking

fucking bracket sick.

And it's like, yeah, but still, though.

And

hits her ball away.

Yes, yeah.

He angrily smacks her pickle ball.

Funk you.

Yeah.

Yeah, but yeah, she explains that she can't be with him anymore because she can't be with a racist.

So at least she did eventually remember the racism.

Oh, and also the racism.

Yes, right.

At this point, I wrote in my notes, my man, you made a movie called Hearts Are Trump.

There's no saving it.

Right.

You made a movie about how friends don't let friends be Jewish.

We saw it.

That's where we learned about you.

All right.

Well, it looks like David needs a minute for a few deep breaths, so we're going to take another break.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Will Donald James Parker express a dream of being a pickleball ambassador?

Is that the saddest dream that anyone has ever had?

Is that the saddest dream that anyone could ever have?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the excitless conclusion of Pickleball Princess.

Okay, but if I take out a second mortgage, then I'm doubling the investment at home.

Nope, same house, man.

Oh, but I get a jacuzzi this time.

Hey, hey, guys, what you doing?

Oh, he's helping me out with my finances for my Christmas present this year.

It is not going well.

That's not true.

I learned what a Euro is.

Look, Eli, if you want to make better money choices, why don't you just try Rocket Money?

You mean be born into an emerald mining family so I can spend my functionally infinite wealth on space travel?

I wish.

No illusions.

Not that.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills.

With Rocket Money, I can see all of my subscriptions in one place.

And if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap.

I never have to get on the phone with customer service.

They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple of months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%.

All you have to do is take a picture of your bill, and Rocket Money takes care of the rest.

I don't know, Noah.

Do people actually use this thing?

They sure do.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions.

All right, Noah, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Stop wasting money on things you don't use.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

All right.

So I guess we can stop doing these lessons, huh, Heath?

Still going to try to buy stocks, quote, on the bounce.

Uh, yes, then we still need lessons.

Yeah.

Yeah, that tracks.

Hi, I'm Tony D.

Does your Christian movie need an all-American activity to center around?

Do your incidents need to be incited in a way that's fun for the whole family?

Well, come on down to Tony D's house of Christian Movie Sports.

We've got conflict your audiences will identify with.

I can't hit the ball good.

Neither can I.

I love this movie.

Dads being proud of their sons in a socially acceptable manner.

I'm proud of you, son.

A man?

Wish my dad dad had said that to me.

And getting good at a thing through a commitment to an outside set of ideas.

For Jesus.

Wow, a home run.

I could totally do that.

Tony D's House of Christian Movie Sports, the movie version of putting on your high school Letterman jacket.

Still fits.

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

And we're back.

We're back for yet still more of this shit.

And we're going to rejoin the action with Donald James Parker dropping some big news on Jenny.

He's decided not to quit pickleball after all.

He is going to go on to be a pickleball ambassador, as we hinted leading in.

Yeah.

Our country is too polarized.

It is.

He explains that he's going to use pickleball to heal the political divide in this country.

Okay, so I looked this up.

It's real.

The U.S.

does have a pickleball ambassador.

Oh, I thought you were going to say we are polarized a little bit.

Yeah, we are.

I looked this up.

It turns out we don't all get along the way.

I thought we didn't.

This website that used to be called Twitter.

There is a pickleball ambassador.

Imagine sending someone you think is going to talk about pickleball to fucking China, and it's Donald James.

Imagine the fact that

he's going to end up with the children.

He's in the cabinet.

Yeah, it's happening.

He's being appointed as we speak.

Right.

So, yeah, so, but he pulls out his Pickleball Rocks t-shirt.

This is a callback to something that was so pointless, we didn't even bother to mention it.

Jenny's very impressed, despite the fact that she hadn't been introduced into the movie at the point that we're calling back to, but that's fine.

But this is where Donald James Parker explains that he wants to cure racism

with pickleball.

That's why we lost the election.

Not enough.

Pickleball.

But Jenny tells him that she's broken up with David.

They're not together anymore.

And he tells her that he is not as prideful about beating David anymore.

He still wants to do it, but not with a bunch of pride.

With like medium pride.

Yeah.

Like

the right amount of pride.

But also, so we mentioned before that, but sorry, we failed to mention before that the way that David like wormed his way into her depends in the first place was by.

Oh, when I was rubber cementing, you were all against me.

But when Grandpa Time over here does it, it's all chuckles and giggles.

It's okay to make fun of yourself.

Intergenerational racism.

Yes.

We need to play pickleball.

Clearly,

that would fix it.

But the way he got in there in the first place, the way he hooked up with her, was by being her pickleball instructor.

So at this point, Donald James Barker's like, well, if you're in the market for a pickleball instructor, perhaps I could be your pickleball instructor.

Except they learned to play the game at the same fucking time.

Well, actually, she's been playing for like three days longer than him.

And he's very bad at pickleball.

He's going to mansplain it to her, though.

And then Benny's like, okay, come on, guys, let's play pickleball.

That scene's over.

And they're like, oh, okay.

So then we get...

We get this bizarre scene.

We had a very like long conversation between the three of us about whether to bring bring this scene up at all because it's so fucking pointless.

This is the scene where it turns out that Grandma Jenny has an old friend from college who is now a pickleball superstar.

And so they Facebook call her.

They Facebook call her.

You know that thing your phone accidentally did one time and it was the third most horrifying thing that's ever happened to you?

They do it on purpose, and luckily she's sitting there waiting for a Facebook phone call in a three-piece suit.

Yes.

She says, wait, are you a pickler?

That is a term we use sometimes.

It's pretty cool.

It's a term of my proud people.

And I love it.

I prefer you not use it, no illusions.

Not until you've earned your panel.

A picklaw.

A pick law.

So,

I really appreciate you laughing because if nobody laughed, I was going to have to leave.

I was going to have to just walk right the fuck out of here.

Back out of the Dolly Parton costume.

Smirk!

Donald Parton!

Shouldersburg!

Children's book.

She gives everyone a children's book.

Yeah, well, she does.

She does.

So then we cut to Donald James Parker.

He is showing his, he is now sharing the power of pickleball with his pastor, right?

It's going to justify its inclusion in GAM after all.

He pitches a pickleball picnic that the church could put on that summer.

Yeah, but he doesn't explain it right away.

He just goes, pickleball picnic.

And I wanted the pastor to be like, do you mean we hollow out pickles and feel the exquisite pleasure of fucking one?

Because yes, Thomas.

I thought I was alone.

I thought I would recognize you from your profile picture on the forum, but yes.

So he teaches the pastor how to play pickleball.

We cut to the end of the match.

Weird how nobody ever sweats in in these games of pickleball in this movie, but it's over.

And the pastor's like, yeah, that is real fun.

We could do the picnic.

And this is where Donald James Parker explains that he'd also like to open up the gym for pickleball at the church.

That's going to be very important later.

No, it's not.

And then

we cut to Donald James Parker Skyping with a potential pickleball coach.

Well, not just any.

No.

Potential pickleball coach.

No, Romy fucking Maxie.

Yes, the Romy Maxie everybody.

Of

Mercy Pickleball.

Oh, Mercy Pickleball.

Yes.

That guy.

So, so, now, here's the thing.

They had...

This bottle was full at the beginning of the show, so.

It was.

He's playing himself.

It's awesome.

Yes, right.

So they've got two pickleball, like, superstars in their movie, right?

And both of them Skype in.

So this guy is going to give us the pitch that he genuinely gives for a living, and he is going to fuck it up.

So goddamn bad.

Right?

This is what he actually does.

And he tells us about his pickleball dating app.

He does.

And Donald James Parker thinks for a second that Romy Maxie is flirting with him.

Yeah.

Because he mentions, he's like, are you single?

Because I got this app going, and he gets weird and homophobic.

I have a girlfriend in the movie.

And I was like, nice, DJP, Dilutions of grinder

excellent

solid

well done

and then and then

he gives us

his app should be called

volleamorous

oh my god he had a follow-up Eli are you on his website?

I'm on his website.

Are you swiping right as we speak?

I check this out, too.

So I have to talk.

I don't want to read the whole bio because it'll slow us down.

Please don't.

But I do want to talk about his credentials.

PhD in motor skills and kinesthesiology.

5.0 F IFP national rating.

And this is my favorite part.

One-time TAFF state champion.

One-time USA national champion.

On the front of the website.

Yep.

It even says it's like one X.

Yeah, right.

He also, by the way, has a pickleball shoe that he gives us the hard sell on in the movie.

Right?

He starts telling us, he says, well, you know, when you play pickleball, the toes of your shoes wear out very quickly.

And so Donald James Parker says, and I quote, oh, yeah, I'm wearing out my shoes at the toe faster than a porcupine wears out as welcome at a balloon factory.

count the words with me

such a long setup it's so long and and also like

does he think balloons are manufactured blown up

what what is he picturing here

I mean like they wouldn't welcome a porcupine but no more or less than a raccoon

I don't

I'm sorry I have like four pages of notes on that analogy.

He really does.

It's a lot.

We're skipping most of it.

I just like that they have an ad at this point.

Romy Max insisted on an ad for his shoes, and he's like, hit the thing and use the promo code in it.

It's practically a promo code in it, yes.

It's great.

So, you know, the only thing worse than a Donald James Parker movie?

A Donald James Parker movie with auto ads.

There you go.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Dear old pickleball.

One one-hundredth hundredth of you get that joke.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sometimes worse things are worse.

Can we really quick talk about the screen we see?

Can we talk about your podcast?

No.

Making ramen with you.

Let's talk about my dead dad.

Oh, Jesus Christ, dude.

I just want to point out that we get to see Donald James Parker's screen while he's Facebook videoing with Romy Maxie.

And he is, first of all, he's Don Pickleball.

His Facebook name is Don Pickleball, Donald James Parker.

And he is using Microsoft Edge like a fucking monster.

He also has a McAfee window open.

Like open.

Like an active.

Because the only thing dumber to believe in than Christianity is McAfee anti-focus protection.

Uh-oh, here come the invaders.

Good, a thing I installed will keep them out.

Written by a guy who sells meth out of the Bahamas.

He's dead.

And now he's dead.

So then we cut to the church's pickleball picnic.

So we cut to the churches having their pickleball picnic.

The music is pretty sure the townsfolk are realizing that they can rebuild it if they try to do it together.

Okay, but the song,

we've got to build a bridge.

What's amazing is it's very clearly a woman who had a guitar and she was like, We've got to build a bridge.

And the guy was like, Stop.

It's perfect.

She was like, No, that's all I've fucking got, man.

And he was like, How many more times can you sing?

It does not matter.

Well, for the record, I asked Anna to write a parody song called We Gotta Kill a Judge, but Noah said no.

He did.

He did.

I beat out the fucking joke, too, isn't it?

And it's crossed out in the notes.

Bolted.

Bolted, I say.

Underscored.

So, now, but here's the thing, though.

So, as this chorus is, so they're all playing pickleball badly.

Now, we have to point out, like, 40% of this movie is pickleball shots.

Always from a distance.

Right now, we're not talking about highlights of a pickleball match.

We're talking about from a distance to where you can barely see the goddamn ball, right?

So, they're singing this song, We Build the Bridge.

Now, bridges, that's a pretty complicated concept.

Hold on, what's a fucking bridge?

Exactly, exactly.

You need a visual cue of some sort.

So I shit you not, when the chorus comes up and starts singing, we build a bridge, it starts showing us still shots of bridges.

It's like stock fuck.

It is.

It is.

It's a bridge.

We build a oh, bridge, yes.

I see.

Then they go back for the Golden Gate in like a later visual age.

Yes.

So like some people were like, I still don't fucking get it.

And they're like, oh, fucking even.

And the one

where the

San Francisco is.

Well, that's what I thought.

Like, when they showed the Golden Gate, I was like, is that, I feel like that bridge is too gay for a Donald James Barker movie.

But no, apparently, Pickleballs opened his mind.

Not the only thing it opened.

But then, and also, so we should point out.

His heart.

It opened his heart.

We got a gate.

It wasn't

a bridge.

Keep a bridge, gay.

Now, we need

Use a speculum on Donald James Parker.

Gape a bridge.

We need to emphasize here, quick before Eli goes any further.

How many Rubik's cubes can you put?

Donald James Parker's riptum.

And can he solve them?

Somebody guessed two.

Okay, here.

Two's exactly.

That was not a guess.

That was clearly not a guess.

He felt more than okay.

So.

Lucky charms.

So, okay, but this is what we need to emphasize here: that during this picnic, now they have just talked quite a bit in this movie about how they're going to use pickleball as outreach to cure racism and all the polarization in the country.

And the song is about how we're going to build a bridge between all these different people.

Everyone at the picnic is white.

They're doing this whole like we're going to reach out and bring people together.

It's the same.

They're all from the same church.

They're the same denomination of the same religion.

And the song's like, we're here in racism.

And we're like, are you fucking sure?

They even show the image of the four hands grasping of different colors, all grasping each other's wrists, and it spins.

Like the front of a college brochure.

Yes.

But you're making Rick do two of the arms.

Rick, do you mind if we lotion one of your arms?

so then okay so now Donald James Parker the song ends Donald James Parker and his pastor are giving us the post-montage assessment the pastor loves it everybody loves pickleball so he's cool with opening up the gym to play pickleball and and Donald James Parker says okay but what about Mexicans

he says that's that's almost an exact quote he says I want to get the Latinos involved so can we have a Latino day he actually says a Hispanic day Hispanic day, which implies that they are either A, only allowed on that day,

which is not great, or that white people are not allowed on that day, which I would argue is slightly less great.

Well, and also, the question is bad, but the pastor's response is so much worse.

He goes, Well, as you know, my daughter-in-law is Hispanic, so yes.

So, really,

but only because my blood has already been sullied by her dirt.

Some of my best in-laws are Latinxes.

Latinxers.

She took us up to that Mexican place where you can drink a tequila out of someone's ass

in Noah's hometown.

Yes.

This is why we lost the election.

Because you can drink a tequila out of someone's ass in Noah's.

That's what I'm saying.

Partially.

Yeah,

I see it.

Actually, yeah, looking around what happened in Way Cross afterwards.

Yes, that's what I mean.

So we should point out that nothing else happens in this scene, right?

This entire scene is just, some of my best friends are Mexican.

Bye.

Right?

And speaking of some of his best friends.

Yes.

And yeah, so then we cut to Donald James Parker.

He's playing at the church with Billy.

And he's wearing Eli sneakers, which may be better.

He totally is.

Do you have...

Oh, shit.

You're using laces now?

Well, no, these are fat people.

Did you get laces just to fuck it up?

First of all, Anna bought me these three Christmases in a row because people kept involuntarily committing me to hospitals.

Does Anna tie them for you?

These are, yes.

These are,

if you haven't seen these, these are fat people's shoes.

So you know how you're fat, fat, and you got to stomp your way into your shoes like Godzilla.

So Kizzix, this brand, let me plug, gave up.

And they were like, we could make these.

But how are the toes for pickleball?

Oh, that's a good question.

Good question.

But you can just step into them, and it's great.

So thank you, Eli, for bringing...

You've been on dear old dad's too damn long.

You just can't not do a sudden fucking action.

Do you want to talk about whatever I want to talk about?

Do you have a promo code?

So, okay, so now, so we cut to Donald James Parker and Billy.

They're playing pickleball, and Donald James Parker explains that he wants Billy's help reaching out to the black community with pickleball.

He explains, he's like, well, you know, we have to go to Atlanta because there's just not enough black people here in Crossville.

Guys,

okay.

All right.

I'm sorry if I'm grinding the fucking humor to a halt.

I looked this up, y'all.

Crossville was a fucking sundown town.

The sign, the no black people after fucking sun, that went down in 1956.

Yeah, so in the movie's just like, well, I don't know where they are.

They were here a minute ago.

Jesus.

Yeah, you trapped him in the movie from 40 years ago.

That's right.

Well, and then, and then he's like, and he was the Donald Trump.

He was there in 1956.

Right.

Right.

He probably put up the fucking sign.

Also, also, I have to point this out.

While they're having this conversation, there's somebody standing right next to their microphone, hitting a pickleball as hard as they fucking can, drowning out their dialogue.

It's a prank.

It's got to be a prank.

It's awesome.

Just so it's awesome.

You know, he was hitting up the pickleball courts for like the third day in a row.

Yes, yeah.

And Ed was like, there's no way I'm canceling for a third day in a row.

I'm giving this lesson to Heathen, right?

He paid his $250.

He's getting this lesson

2.5.

So they're talking about...

$250?

Why is it so much?

I don't know why it's so much.

I bet they're doing a bodega price on you.

I bet it's you think they're just.

I bet everyone else is like, it's $50 and you join the club for free.

They're like $800.

So, and also,

in case this scene wasn't racist enough, there's a point here where he's talking, Billy's like, yeah, no, I'll go to Atlanta and help teach the African-American community to pickleball with you.

Speaking of teaching black people to play pickleball, you know where else would be great to go?

Jail.

To which time, and look, here's, it's like, hey, I'm black, right?

Jail.

Jail.

Yes, prisons.

To which Donald replies, no, no, no, no.

Hey, Dutch.

No, no, I'm scared of those people.

I was hesitant to invoke any kind of joy in those places.

For their God lingers not.

Anyways, let's move on with the scene.

And they do.

Yep.

He asks Billy if Billy will be his partner at the senior Olympics.

And Billy goes, Well, won't your friends stop hanging out with you if you play pickleball with a black man?

And he's like, Well, yeah, no and my friends probably.

Yeah,

so you saw Hartz or Trump, huh?

Sorry about that.

We gotta play before sundown.

He doesn't.

Hurry it up, Billy.

Oh, my God.

It's getting dark, big fella.

So yeah.

So, but they agree to do that.

They'll never do it in the movie, don't worry.

So, okay, so now it's time, quite suddenly, for the big tournament.

The finale tournament.

And because they know that they can't actually shoot pickleball matches, we skip the prelims and the quarterfinals.

And the semifinals.

And we just get Donald James Parker walking up to a lady going, oh yeah, I won all the matches.

And she says, Okay, well, you're in the finals now with David.

So now that's the, we're setting up for the big, for the big final match between him and his pickleball rival.

He goes to the stands to like kind of chat with Jenny and all the other named characters.

This is where Gary explains the strategy that he has to employ to win his.

Sweep the leg.

It's pretty close to sweep the leg.

He has to use

his mobility advantage.

Remember from before he is.

Right, you mentioned that several times?

But Donald's too honorable to use his advantage in sports.

Well, we'll get there.

We'll get there.

Right now, that is the plan.

Jenny bestows upon him her scrunchie.

I guess it's supposed to be like the wreath on the lance kind of a thing or whatever they're going for.

So, yeah, right?

It's brilliant.

Hey, that is pretty good writing.

People who watched it.

Do any of you think of the Cosmo thing?

The what?

Yeah, okay, I got one nod.

That's all.

I just needed you.

Thank you.

So then we.

I'll explain later.

I have learned not to ask for details.

Is it a sex thing?

It's a sex node.

Of course, it's a sex thing.

It's always a sex thing.

It's always a sex thing.

If I don't know it, it's probably a sex thing.

If I do know it, it's probably.

Yeah, right.

And when those two come together, yeah.

So, okay.

Me and Chad GBT.

It's a sex thing.

Sex.

Wink.

So, okay, so then, so David and Donald James Parker are pickleballing.

David wins the first set.

We have no idea how many sets they're playing.

So boring.

It's incredibly boring.

It's so boring watching your dad's friends play tickleball.

But we do.

Watching them play tickleball is fun.

That's lemonparty.org.

And it's more enjoyable than this movie.

Yeah.

You're allowed to play that one out your sundown, I'll tell you.

So then.

But the highlight of this scene, though, because in order for this game to work, for this scene to work, David needs to get hurt, right?

He needs to injure himself.

And this actor pretending to hurt his ankle is just the greatest goddamn thing I've ever seen in a Donald James Parker movie.

Except for all the pretending to be injured he does afterwards, which is even better somehow.

He pretends to hurt his ankle by running full speed into a fence with his entire body.

Sure does.

Sure does.

And And that'll get your ankle every time.

Yeah.

And then he fucking starts limping around like Eli trying to get onto an airplane early or something.

So

but now we're battling.

I do need extra time.

They didn't ask why.

The answer is because I'm a very special boy.

You write a joke.

Said retired military or very special boy.

Exactly.

I retired before I ever joined.

Thank me for my not service.

Honestly, yeah, that probably helped us out a ton.

Yes.

So, okay, so now we're back on the court.

It's time for the finale, and we watch some random goddamn pickleball shots.

Now, at this point, they're showing us whole rallies, but we don't know what the score is.

And we don't know how many sets each person has won, and we don't know how many they're playing to.

So it's just watching people play fucking pickleball again.

And it's not shot well enough that you can see see someone is missing a shot.

Like, it makes you appreciate tennis in movies because you're like, oh, when I was watching those other movies, I knew what the fuck was happening.

But in this, you just see like,

and the camera's like, you get it, right?

Right, right, except that there is no point where we ever see somebody hit four goddamn.

Absolutely not even cool.

Never, never.

In one single shot, not even close.

So yeah, so we watched this for so fucking long.

But eventually, we find that David is up 10-9.

11 points wins in pickleball, but you got to win by two.

And presumably, this is game point.

I'm basing that entirely on how much run time was left in the movie at this point.

They don't tell us.

It is match point.

Play at 11 generally.

It's very exciting.

Right.

But we don't know, again, we don't know how many sets are playing.

Well, it's the fastest Burger Spark in America.

So,

but David wins, but the shot was out.

And Donald James Burger didn't notice it.

But now, inspired by how nice David's being, not use Donald James Parker's being by not using his mobility advantage against him, David is become a more honest and sportsmanlike player.

So he's a...

Stop redeeming the racist guy.

Right?

Yeah.

He called someone colored 20 minutes ago.

I'm not feeling.

Yep.

And this is not how he wins me back.

He even turns to Donald James Parker.

He's like, hey, why aren't you using your mobility advantage?

And Donald James Parker says, again, I have to quote directly, and I have to warn you that this is a direct quote.

He says, I wouldn't find any pleasure in beating a semi-lame man.

Dude, what the fuck?

But the point is, like, what would Jesus do in pickleball?

Right.

That's like the Christian, they're like seriously trying to do a Christian message.

Yeah, exactly.

And they mention the golden rule.

Like,

do unto others like so like lose unto others as others would lose on that has nothing to do with sports

So, but David, like, upon hearing this, David's like, wow, you're a better man than me, and you have a larger penis, I bet, too.

And, but then David turns to him and he's like, He has good mobility, right?

No, he's got great mobility.

Yeah, it's not about the size, it's yes, exactly, it's about the mobility advantage.

So,

got to be able to get to those corners.

There's corners, right?

It's at the crest of the pap.

So David...

But then Donald James Parker's like, well, but you're being a good sportsman, too, because you called that ball out even though you could have won.

And David explains that he has too much respect for the game of pickleball to lie about a ball being in when it was clearly out.

If we don't have pickleball honesty, we don't have anything.

This scene felt like when the New York Times opinion staff put on their little suits to pretend they were sad that Trump won.

Yep.

Right when they were like, oh, I guess we got to get out our ring light.

We done done it again, everybody.

I was like, what the fuck is happening?

So then, so then Jenny comes over to congratulate him right into his love mic for a bit.

But he says something here about how, you know, the world isn't honest enough, and hopefully Pickleball will save that.

You made a movie called Hearts Are Trump.

Yes.

Right.

No, I wrote, like, the irony the world isn't honest enough being the first honest thing in this movie is not lost on me, sir.

But then we cut to another heart attack?

Yes.

It was a short, it was a little one.

You have to tell me.

Heart attack.

Stop, stop, stop.

Stop.

Stop, stop.

Stop, stop, stop.

He, Heath, 911.

Dial 919.

91991.

1991191.

919.

119911.

9.

Seven.

Wait, seven?

Adding those all up.

So then, okay.

So then we cut over to Gary and Penny so that they can relieve their sexual attention.

I wrote, look, there are.

Will they?

Won't they?

Yeah, I know.

Thank God they got back to this.

Right, the grandson and the granddaughter.

Now, there are 12 goddamn minutes left in this fucking movie, right?

The movie's over.

There's still 12 minutes.

So you're thinking to yourself, what is he going to have this fucking teenage couple sit there and wax intellectual about the ephemeral nature of human life for 11 minutes?

Yes!

He says, do you think people ever making a movie stop and consider that they'll all be dead one day?

He does.

He literally says, he's like, well, you know, being in a movie gives you a sort of an immortality and everything.

And I'm like, does it though?

Do you think people listen to this podcast when we're dead?

Yeah.

Certainly when you're dead.

Yeah, they'll be looking for clues.

This will technically count as a note.

I think I get the 3.5, though, if I die, right?

Oh, for sure.

They got to give that.

Oh, yeah.

No, she'll lay a wreath on your grave with a

3.45 knot.

So Gary and Penny are sitting there talking.

We watch a lady walks by with her dog, and just we watch that happen in complete fucking silence for like 40 seconds.

And then Gary goes, Penny, for your thoughts.

And Penny's like, I have no thoughts.

My dad said, I'm not supposed to have those no more.

Yeah, right, right.

Book of Thomas says, yeah, but they explain how being in a movie makes you immortal.

They also, there's also this really long bit where Gary starts explaining how you shouldn't fall in love with somebody based solely on their looks because eventually they'll look like a wet q-tip that was brought to life by Dr.

Frankenstein, but they might still be really good and have a mobility advantage, so it doesn't matter.

Donald James Parker was almost done writing this movie.

And then somebody was clearly like, hey man, you look like fucking Dave Foley with rickets.

And then he was like, fuck, I don't write a scene about the inevitable march of death.

This is important with a pickleball movie that writes Christian.

Right, because the reason these lines are in the movie is because Donald James Parker had a moment of self-realization, right?

He was writing Pickleball Princess, and he was like, someday I'll be dead.

That's what I was thinking during the scene.

Oh,

Donald.

But like, Donald Parker's not going to be dead.

Because, Jesus, right?

Right.

Yeah, no, he lives forever.

If I thought I was just going to upgrade three floors, I would never think about it except in like a pleasant way.

Right, you would think, unless they're all full of shit.

Yep.

Also, there's also, yeah.

Christianity.

Big if true.

Yes.

So, and also, I just, I have to point this out because, again, like, this is sort of a.

At the end of Donald James Parker movies, there's all fun, just a bucket of all the shit he wanted to say that he didn't manage to sneak into the script, right?

So we're getting that.

And Penny and Gary are talking about how, you know, even sometimes very promising marriages don't work out.

Gary starts talking about how, well, you know, in the movies, you see people, they'll get the guy will propose two weeks after meeting the girl.

And of course, those marriages always end in divorce.

And I only want to, I only point that out because Lucinda and I were engaged two weeks after we got married, and we're going to be celebrating our 28th anniversary in February.

Suck it, Donald James Parker!

Suck it, DJP.

It's not that there isn't love, it's that there's no love for you.

We're going to be the only ones at your funeral, Donald.

Just the three of us

doing bits.

Out loud.

Fucky bits.

Bits about fucking.

And then at the very end of this scene,

the 17-year-old girl says, and I quote, everyone needs a break from the stress of reality, in my opinion.

You know, like 17-year-olds often say.

And then the 17-year-old boy says, also, exercises like pickleball help delay aging.

Like 17-year-old boys are so often wont to say.

I mean, to be fair, as someone who now looks like they could be the dad of the cartoon on our step and repeat, I might try some.

So, and then, okay, so there are still like fucking eight minutes left in this goddamn stupid movie.

And then, sometimes later, Donald James Parker is chilling with Jenny, and they're going to spend about seven fucking minutes of the remainder of this movie talking about how at their age,

you're a bit of an ornery prick no matter what you do, and it's okay to not be able to love other people.

Yeah, because this is supposed to be the we're gonna get married conversation, but instead they're like

But I kind of have the coffee station set up the way I I like it yes that the right no but that's exactly what he does he spends fucking seven minutes going like you know I'd love to get married to you but like

I used the wrong peanut butter and then I can come over anytime I don't

you have your space

it's great we'll see each other like once a week it's be fine there's a moment texting needs to be pertinent information

There's a moment here where they start wondering if all pickleball players go to heaven.

I sit where I'm not making that up.

They're like, well, you know, some pickleball players probably burn in hell, like Heath, for example.

And not just for what he said about Mrs.

Jorgan's husband, for other reasons, too.

But mostly because of what he said about Mrs.

Jorgan.

Yeah, right, right.

And then he quotes this weird fucking poem.

And the girl, Jenny, starts trying to say it along with him, but she keeps fucking up the words.

So

they get done with it.

And she goes, again, I have to quote the movie directly.

She goes, I love that quote by Edwin Markham.

Right?

Yeah.

Right.

Right?

Edwin Markham?

Come on.

You got any markheads in the house?

Those are the fiber one ears.

The raisin brands.

So, but Donald James Parker explains that people at their age can't possibly change to please please other people, and because he paid her to respond to him, she goes, Exactly, that is correct.

It's not your fault at all that that relationship didn't work out.

She says something about being like a dry lake at this point.

Yeah, okay, all right.

They make lubricants for that now, yeah, right, yeah, exactly.

So, it's like

a disease, technically

he goes, he goes, And say DJP, and I'll just, I'll stop,

I'll stop being crazy, whatever.

Well, right, because he goes, this win he goes, he goes,

we could have a pickleball wedding.

And Heath writes in his notes, okay, well, that's actually a pretty good idea.

And

pickleball venue.

I think Ann said, fuck your face.

I couldn't handle the short.

That's what I heard.

It's fun because if you're facing the other direction, you get to watch Heath's fiancé regret her decisions for the show.

She's looking around.

There's this weird moment here, too, where they're all talking to Heath going like, oh, you know, we could have a pickleball wedding.

We could just.

You don't get to break them up yet.

So.

Wait, yet?

There's a whole fucking thing.

We had a company meeting about it.

Oh, you mean like after today's show?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

No, it's after the wedding.

We wanted to get a wedding out of it for financial purposes.

Gotta do a wedding episode, a baby episode, Christmas episode.

Yeah.

And then a divorce episode.

So,

one of us has to get divorced.

Me and Eli have way more invested in this shit.

I'm just saying.

So.

Sunk cost fellas.

Gotta take one for the team here.

Thank you, math

people, or whatever.

All right, but then, but there's a really long, long, weird moment where Jenny explains that your entire personality can't be based around pickleball, to which Donald James Barker responds, my Facebook name is Don fucking pickleball, okay?

Don't say that to me now, lady.

Pickleball, pickleball, pickleball.

Okay, to be clear, this movie ends with pickleball cannot be your entire personality, and then a song where the lyrics are pickleball, pickleball, pickleball, based on jingle bells.

They're singing jingle bells, but with pickleball in there.

Pickleball, pickleball, pickleball, pickleball.

Like Anna's singing about her dog, right?

Magic, manage, manage, magic, manage.

I don't care for that comparison, no, Elizabeth.

I'm going to require a public apology for that comparison.

Marjorie Taylor Bosnick has done two good work.

Tyrell.

It's not, yeah,

you got your fucking dog's name.

I'm having a stroke.

Oh, okay.

So that I can get on the plane early.

Yes.

All right.

But that's the end of the movie.

But I feel like we all know how this week's episode had to end.

I feel pretty confident in saying that though he did not show up tonight,

he was a fucking coward.

Gotta look around real quick.

Yeah, just to make sure he could be wearing a wig.

Look to your left.

Look to your right.

One of those people that calls James Park.

But even though he's not here tonight, I feel fairly confident that he is listening to this in the future.

So, Heath,

is there anything that you'd like to say to perhaps

a challenge you might like to issue?

Yes, best of seven, me and you, DJP,

loser switches to winner's religious beliefs

3.5, motherfucker, like a real one after I pay Gladys.

Why don't you pay Gladys?

Yeah,

don't listen to what bitch bitch Gladys says.

Yeah.

All right.

Stickler.

That's going to do it for our review of Picklewall Princess, and it's going to do it for episode 485.

Thanks to everybody here at the Nashville Sheraton Grand who helped us this weekend.

Thanks to Dan, who's been doing sound for us.

He's been awesome.

Thanks to Morgan Clark.

Now, Morgan didn't actually make it on the trip, but he was still a huge help getting all the audio stuff sorted out.

Huge thanks to Tim Robertson, who always busts his ass to make our live shows great.

He's right back there.

Huge thanks to Anna Bosnik for keeping you guys entertained during the interstitials.

That's right, listeners at home.

They got Anna songs while you were getting ads.

And, of course, a big thanks to Lucinda Lusions for helping at the merch table.

And the biggest thanks of all to all of you for coming out.

Thank you so much for making this happen.

And yeah, clapping yourselves too.

You deserve it.

There it is.

And with that, and the reminder for those of you who are here live that there is still one more Anna song to come, but only if you're here live, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Donald James.

Interesting.

Hold on.

Somebody made like a quarter.

We're almost there.

All right.

Breakfast.

Just give it a second.

Give it a second.

We're going to edge you out of this.

Donald James Parker went on to solve the war in Gaza with walking laps in the mall with Velcro sneakers?

Sure did.

And Jesus.

Gary's friend Brad is still in that bathroom for all we know.

Where the fuck did Brad go in the movie?

I forgot about him.

He's just still shitting.

Okay.

Donald James Parker.

Defeated Heathen Wright.

Seven to zero.

Oh, no.

Shut up, Morgan.

Morgan cut this.

And his Christian family.

It starts this year.

And he's an atheist now.

Caught up in the kitchen.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, Capricorn, 2024.

All rights reserved.

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