484: Bibleman: The Incredible Force of Joy

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Speaker 3 I know, I'm putting them back. Hey, Dave, here's a tip.
Put scratchers on your list. Oh, scratchers? Good idea.
It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.
Thanks, random singing people.

Speaker 3 So be like Dave this holiday and give the gift of play.

Speaker 3 Scratchers from the California lottery. A little play can make your day.

Speaker 3 Please play responsibly. Must be 18 years or older to purchase play play or claim.

Speaker 3 Best part about Jersey Mics, the owner of Jersey Mics fucked a shark. What?

Speaker 3 Yep. Take that home.
Enjoy it, everybody. You are trying to divert me, damn it.
I'm going to stay. First of all, Noah, there are four seconds.
I'm Googling this right now.

Speaker 1 We're going to have to pause. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Google.

Speaker 3 Do it in incognito mode.

Speaker 3 Safe search off, baby.

Speaker 3 So, while Cecilia's googling the shark fucking

Speaker 3 we've lost her for the rest of the day. Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 3 God-awful

Speaker 3 movie. Movie.
Movies.

Speaker 3 Welcome back to the Gam Cache, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because not loving Jesus is still legal for the time being. I'm your host, No Illusions.

Speaker 3 Heath's going to be unable to join us this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Boznick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? By Belicious, baby.

Speaker 3 It's been too long. And we're also excited to welcome in brand new guest masochists who at least thought they knew what they were getting into, Cecilia and Reno from the Comic Dissection Podcast.

Speaker 3 Cecilia, Reno, welcome to the show. Woo! Great to be here.
Yes, yes. Awesome.
So just, Cecilia, to clarify for our audience, you guys aren't like, you're not autopsying George Carlin over there.

Speaker 3 You're dissecting comic books, correct?

Speaker 1 That is correct. We have not quite got the medical license to dissect actual people.
We are a leftist intersectional podcast. We examine different comics every two weeks, basically.
Awesome.

Speaker 1 And we talk about everything from Superman to Sailor Moon and a lot of, unfortunately, Farino, a lot of my favorite gay animes.

Speaker 3 I'm learning. Learning so much.

Speaker 1 But yeah, that's basically what we do. We dissect comic books.

Speaker 3 Awesome. See, when I try to introduce my favorite gay animes to this show, it gets cut every time, Cecilia.
So

Speaker 3 we're going to get into what the crystal gems represent on this week's episode.

Speaker 3 We've got a special spot for you.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah, they say the same thing.

Speaker 3 So tell us, Reno, what will we be breaking down today?

Speaker 3 We are breaking down an episode of Bible Man, the story of a man who is both man and Bible, Christian Mark. Sure.
Sure. Always.
See, that's Salty the Songbook, though.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's more of a Bible man than Bible Man, if you think about it. That's true.

Speaker 3 Bible man, back up. I want Salty the Songbook versus Bible Man sometime in the future.
And Eli, how bad was this video?

Speaker 3 Well, if you love the adventures of Bible Man so far, but you wish you'd get rid of all this talking about things we can say are bad even through a secular worldview,

Speaker 3 You will love this movie. This week he's finally taking on the villain of not being happy enough.
It's awful.

Speaker 3 Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst hat?

Speaker 1 Best, worst, fourth wall breaking.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. All right.

Speaker 3 I can definitely agree with that. I'd like to change my answer.

Speaker 3 Nope, you can't steal hers. So do you have a best worst for us, Rena? Best, worse sidekick attire.

Speaker 3 Interesting. Both Bible Man and the Master of Misery.
The Master of Misery have sidekicks. Yep.
And both of them are very boring as far as their attire goes. Oh, interesting.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Ludacris is just dressed in some robes. Yeah.
Just some black. Yeah, boring.
And Bible Man's sidekick is kind of... dressed like a member of the French Foreign Legion.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And I don't know, from a comic comic viewpoint, you missed an opportunity.

Speaker 3 Especially in contrast with the hero and villain costumes, which are sort of brightly colored, standard superhero.

Speaker 3 It's not like this is a gritty fucking Batman reboot we watched, you know, on HBO Max, right? Bible Man wears bright yellow and punches people through walls with a lightsaber. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But Coach just has a gun.

Speaker 3 All right, we'll get to what Code says, but I was going to go with best worst.

Speaker 3 I don't care what that word means. I'm using it anyway.
There are like six times in this video where they have to say like a science word or something along those lines.

Speaker 3 And every single time I'm just, I'm sitting there just shaking because that's not at all what that fucking word means. Yeah, I kept scrolling through the credits looking for a C.S.

Speaker 3 Lewis writer's credit. It was giving big mere Christianity vibes.
Sure, sure. And I'm going to go with best worst pre-show material.

Speaker 3 I'm going to leave it right there because we're going to talk about it in a second. But I will say, truly, the beginning of this tape, if not the movie, is astounding.
It really is. It was a ton.

Speaker 3 Normally, we don't do the front matter of the show, but this time, yeah. All right.

Speaker 3 Well, I'll tell you what, it has been way too long since we visited Bible Man, so we're going to keep the break brief.

Speaker 3 And when we come back, we'll dive into all the action-packed proselytization that is

Speaker 3 Bible Man,

Speaker 3 the incredible force of joy.

Speaker 3 What about a hat? I feel like she wears hats, right? I also feel like she wears hats.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys, what's up?

Speaker 3 Oh, hey, Cecilia. We were trying to figure out like clothing gifts for our wives.
Sure.

Speaker 3 And we were wondering, so

Speaker 3 do you know what clothes our wives that you've never met like?

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Speaker 1 That's why I, Eli Bosnik, personally endorse quince all right cecilia i'm sold where do we sign up gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag go to quince.com slash awful for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order that's q-u-in-ce.com slash awful to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash awful thanks cecilia Wait, did you guys ask me because I'm a woman?

Speaker 3 No, we actually asked Reno first. Yeah.
I'm telling you guys, Lego sets only gain value. He was not a ton of help.
Plastic gold!

Speaker 1 Hey, Chris, you got a second?

Speaker 3 Sure, Bible Man Writer, guys. What's up? Right.
It's about the most recent episode you gave us, The Incredible Force of Joy. Oh, yes.
Such an important one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so about that, it seems like the message of the episode might be, if you're sad, it's because you're not Christian enough.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. What we're telling kids is that happiness might come and go, but through Christ, joy is always possible.

Speaker 3 That's

Speaker 3 that's like exactly what she just said. Is it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it just, a bunch of these titles seem a little blamey to be directed at kids.

Speaker 3 Really? Blamey? Which ones?

Speaker 3 Well, okay, so there's episode five. God didn't put put those gay thoughts in your head.
You did.

Speaker 1 And episode six: Only God Could Love a Fuck Up Like You. I don't think we should have fuck in the title of an episode.

Speaker 3 Well, we could call it something else. I feel like you guys are overreacting.
Episode eight is just Christine, please come back. I'm so lonely without you.

Speaker 3 If I spend another night in this bed by myself, I'll die. Well,

Speaker 3 yeah, okay, that one we can probably rethink.

Speaker 1 Got it. Sure.

Speaker 3 Hey, man. Are you okay? I'm great.
I'm great.

Speaker 3 And we're back for the breakdown. And as I said, normally we leave out the front matter on things like this, right? If there are ads before the fucking show, we leave them out.

Speaker 3 But because of a combination of how short this week's video is and how bizarre this front matter is, we have to talk about the ads before this one. Okay.
So it comes out. It starts off.

Speaker 3 This lady comes out and she's like, you know, them people in Hollywood, they don't know what we want to show our kids. Do they?

Speaker 3 Those Jews in Hollywood are turning your kids gay.

Speaker 3 It's how this VHS tape begins. Yeah.
Crackles to life with a radio bar and then someone says a slur for China. I mean, it is.

Speaker 3 I knew it had a place in our hearts. Oh, well, she says,

Speaker 3 we have a bunch of other videos, by the way. There's the singing place, which Eli will eventually make Noah watch.

Speaker 3 Well, it's got Spunky and his human friend Reg and celebrity guests like Jim Varney. Yes.
Noah. Ernest himself.
So it's not Spunky and Reg. It's Spinky and Reg.

Speaker 3 Spellcheck did not want to let it be Spinky, though. It just kept changing.
And I get it. It felt dirty to me too.
Spellcheck. Yeah.
Technically, I believe it's Spinky and his human friend, right?

Speaker 3 Oh, you're right. Yes.
Which they somehow made human friend sound like a slur.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, and I think it's because I don't think he's actually human, right? Like all things Christian, right? Every accusation is a confession. Right.

Speaker 3 Right. Like when they put democratic in the name of the country and you're like, it's a good question.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 This is neither a democratic or republic. I'm not even sure.
That's in the Congo. Yeah.

Speaker 3 These states aren't united.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 1 I'm just thinking that the Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers called and want their IP back.

Speaker 3 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was very, it was like the bizarro version.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Right.
If this crew is good at one thing, it's stealing IPs from other people.

Speaker 3 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Well, speaking of which, yeah, they say, so we've got that.
We've got Spinky and we've got his human friend Reg. We also have this other video, Bible Man, which you're watching.

Speaker 3 And we're like, yeah, we know. We're watching it.
I was like, oh, shit, I'm trapped in a loop. Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 But they do claim that Bible Man is. action-packed and I'm like, oh, I thought that's, I guess that's not a legally protected term at all.
Yeah, you can say whatever the fuck you want.

Speaker 3 Although, I will say, for me and Eli, this ad did serve as a lovely little like last time on Bible Man reminder. Didn't it? Right? Yeah.

Speaker 3 So as they're playing these clips, we're like, oh, right, the Fibbler.

Speaker 3 Let me, full confession time, my favorite comic book character of all time is the Riddler. He's the Fibbler.
And I saw the Fibbler and I was like, oh, what did they do to my baby boy? Like,

Speaker 3 what have you done? Yeah. Okay.
So this movie is 47 seconds long. So I am going to need to drag this podcast to a halt and make you defend that.
Sorry, you like the gay guy who kind of does puzzles?

Speaker 3 Take me there. Okay, first of all, I'm pretty sure he is a bisexual that does puzzles.
Sure, sure.

Speaker 3 And also, he's just a creepy, overtly smart person who always wants to be like the smartest guy in every room. And as in someone who was constantly bullied in school, I get it.
Like, I'm there for it.

Speaker 3 Sure. You think all you were missing in high school was a green outfit.
And that really would have pulled you out.

Speaker 3 Just any gimmick. It's that you didn't commit to the bit enough.

Speaker 1 Reno is a sucker for a gimmick, though.

Speaker 3 I am a sucker for a good gimmick. He was the best part of Arkham Knights, right? So the little puzzles, that was great.
I'm with you. I'm with you.
Yeah. Yeah.
He is hard to defend. I won't deny that.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Just when you say favorite comic book character, there are so many.
And the Riddler, Riddler's not even top five in Batman. So

Speaker 3 I did have to hold you.

Speaker 1 Everybody loves a lost cause.

Speaker 3 Yeah, tell that. It's back to the Batman 60s live-action movie.

Speaker 3 They do cooler people.

Speaker 3 Joker, Penguin, Catwoman, and our boy. Yeah.
Nope, that's fair. Can't help but notice you switched over the 1940s movie where Batman uses racial slurs the entire time.

Speaker 3 Wait, what?

Speaker 3 Are you not aware? TikTok just found out about this and it warms my heart to no end. There is a 1940s Batman movie where the villains are of Japanese descent.
Oh, no. And it's, yeah.

Speaker 3 And whatever you're picturing, whatever you're picturing, it's worse. Oh, no.
I promise you, it's worse. I mean, the covers of the comics during that time were like, support war bonds and slap a

Speaker 3 slur I won't repeat. Yes, exactly.

Speaker 3 Commit a hate crime for Superman. Yeah, the fact that the television movies followed suit, not too surprising.

Speaker 3 All right. So we're doing a 47-minute video this week, so we can afford to get a little bit off topic.
But I think we're about four diversions in right now. So I'm going to reiterate.

Speaker 3 We're still in the ads, folks. And we also, we have to talk about the ad for Bible Smart, the fast, fun family card game that teaches us Bible verses.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And this reminded me of the time a listener gave us Bible trivia and we were like, oh, we're going to be great at this. We'll play it at Matreon.

Speaker 3 And then we tried two cards and we realized we're not actually in that cult. So we don't have fucking verses memorized and shit.
And we were like, they also had

Speaker 1 so many versions of it. There were like four different packs you could buy.
So many card games, so many ways to make you hate Saturday Family Game Pack.

Speaker 3 You're right.

Speaker 3 As they're outroing, they described the game as Bible smart card games of strategy. It felt like a Telegram ad for nudes, right?

Speaker 3 Hello, friend.

Speaker 3 Also, what kind of strategy?

Speaker 1 I see your crucifixion and raise your resurrection. Right.

Speaker 3 The strategy is know the Bible. I would play a Bible-based Dominion knockoff so hard.
Fuck yeah. So hard.
Fuck yeah. So, okay.
And then like that fades out. We're treated to another ad.

Speaker 3 This time, okay, so it starts off as an ad for Bible Man Live, which I'm absolutely, I'm going to Bible Man Live with Eli someday.

Speaker 3 We're going to just act like the audience seeing the Beatles on Ed Sullivan the whole fucking time. Exactly.
The whole show. But it turned out they swerved, right?

Speaker 3 They're like Bible Man Live. And I'm like, oh.
And they're like, brought to you by Guidepost for Kids. And then the whole thing was about this magazine Guidepost for Kids.

Speaker 3 Yeah, for people who are sick of the fucking gay propaganda in Zoo Books.

Speaker 3 Guideposts for Kids. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 And dude, I have so many questions about Wally the Turtle, right? So they have this child actor being like, they've got Wally the Turtle. He's so cool.

Speaker 3 Wally answers questions about parents, school, and God.

Speaker 3 And I just, I was like, how many people do you think they went through a year who killed themselves having to write as Wally the Christian turtle?

Speaker 3 I bet that they don't even like give you a name tag on the door. I was going to do literature, guys.

Speaker 3 I have the same degree as Elon.

Speaker 3 I mean, it works both ways though, right? Because you also don't have to sign your name to what you wrote. Well, that's true.
Which means you might can get a job somewhere in the future.

Speaker 3 No, that's fair. That's fair.

Speaker 3 But this little girl, she takes us through the end this little girl, by the way, in this ad is the best actor in the whole goddamn video. She really

Speaker 3 Christian cinema. In all of Christian cinema.
She was actually very compelling.

Speaker 3 I believed that she loved the God's Mysterious Ways section where they tell you about how science is a bunch of fucking lies.

Speaker 3 Well, they promised us we would hear from kids, plural. Yes.
And they had kids, singular. It was.
It was just the one fucking. You're right.
They ripped us off. Yeah, so that kid had to bring it.

Speaker 3 What kind of bait and switch bullshit was this fucking Christian funky brewster over here wasn't enough

Speaker 3 so yeah but no but Christian guideposts for kids it has won several awards that you've never heard of and they totally didn't make up they they have a website at the end too I checked it it is not operational so I'm sure isn't it sure isn't also not for sale otherwise you would all see the hardcore porn I had put there when you looked it up

Speaker 3 yeah

Speaker 3 And then at the end, we get a little teaser for some more, you know, mainstream show stuff. This is part of the guidepost family of magazines.
Yes, everybody. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 A couple of those gave me flashbacks flashbacks to my my more pertinent church days oh no you just see it and you're like wait i remember those on the pew after we would leave and oh and you just start shaking uncontrollably oh sorry about that sorry

Speaker 3 okay now we should definitely guest spots on this show should come with a trigger warning though for sure yeah clarity magazine

Speaker 3 well and then okay one more ad and we promise we're going to get to the fucking video guys but then they show us they they have like the the cd collection collection that they're trying to sell us, the Heaven's Sick Kids.

Speaker 3 And you know, a CD collection is good when they open with, we didn't just fucking slap these together, okay?

Speaker 3 We worked really hard. That line was so much like showing up, like arriving home from a trip and telling your spouse, I didn't cheat on you while I was gone.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I almost went best to worst premature apology commercial.

Speaker 3 Man, they are so defensive.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, and they've got so many different CDs. You can listen to songs about Jesus, silly songs.
That's the same picture.

Speaker 3 Jesus.

Speaker 3 Also, Jesus. And animals.

Speaker 1 They tried to save on that art.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, they just kept going over and over again with the same goddamn shit. Also, she says at the end of this, the voice comes in and says, 300,000 kids can't be wrong.

Speaker 3 I'm like, of course they can.

Speaker 3 Of course they can. That's what kids do.

Speaker 1 See Skibbity as slang, for an example.

Speaker 3 Yes, exactly. Oh, you have divided our audience.
Thank you. Yeah, Cecilia, we're really trying to stay current.
Okay, some of us are paying our bills with this.

Speaker 3 So if you could just say it's awful skibbity in this Ohio

Speaker 3 at some point during the episode, just if you can work it out.

Speaker 1 Well, it's kids Bob, but worse.

Speaker 3 There, that shouldn't divide anybody. Kids Bob fucking worse.
Yes, thank you.

Speaker 3 And Kids Bob changed suicidal to in denial. So there's a lot.
It's hard to reach the depths that Kids Bob. We worked there.
All right. So,

Speaker 3 all right. So, okay.
And then they finally make with the goods. We finally get that the Pamplin Entertainment thing comes up.
Yes. Maker of Christian Entertainment and Your Mother's Period Medication.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 So, but they finally make with the Bible Man. We start off.
The title card comes up and informs us that there's a Bible alarm in progress.

Speaker 3 Now, I don't want to spend forever on this title card, but it says that we are 120 degrees northeast of Shattsville, Oregon. Right.
The standard for all directions.

Speaker 3 Because apparently they think degrees are a unit of distance.

Speaker 3 Maybe it's really hot there.

Speaker 3 Maybe it was just actual degrees. Oh, okay.
Yeah, right. There you go.
So we start off. We see Bible Man sidekick coats.

Speaker 3 Now, he's sneaking through this room as though he's like, he's crouched down like he's in a ventilator shaft, but he's not. He's just in a full-size room.

Speaker 1 He's doing that thing in video games where if you crouch down, they can't see you.

Speaker 3 Right. Metal gear solid.
Yes. Okay.
All right. Exactly.
That makes a lot more sense.

Speaker 3 But he's, he's, and the camera is sort of like tipping over as he walks, sort of a Dutch angle type thing going there. Classy.
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 And he's on the radio and he's like, Bible man, where are you? It's your show. And just then there's a laser blast from above and he's attacked by a

Speaker 3 vampire Jawa with a super soaker

Speaker 3 i this i almost went with this for my best words right because this is just the exposition guy and they could not be less fucked to name him or care about who he is they're just like if it isn't a

Speaker 3 establishing bad guy yes

Speaker 3 we will be here for three seconds yeah right right exactly and we'll never refer to again trust us he's got this coming yeah

Speaker 3 so okay and then there's this moment where like the baddie shoots Coates with the laser. Coates points, he's got these, like, little laser pointers on his wrist, and he points those at the bad guy.

Speaker 3 And I so wanted the bad guy to just get attacked by a bunch of cats. Right, yeah.

Speaker 3 But no, that's just their version of special effects. I guess those lasers are holding him for a second or whatever.
While Bible Man runs late for his own fucking show.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 3 So the establishing vampire Jawa guy shoots Coates with the Super Soaker. And just then, Bible Man flips and then flips and then drops into the scene.

Speaker 3 It's so funny because they very clearly got a few shots of a stunt person doing a flip. And then it was time to edit it.
And because they're idiots, they were like, guys.

Speaker 3 Do we need all of these flips? And the other one was like, we do.

Speaker 3 They're all so good. They're cuts.

Speaker 1 I wrote, because they had the part when Bible Man comes down and there's this splash of water that seemed to be there for no reason. I really hope that's from where he washed his hands.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Otherwise, that water does not make any sense.

Speaker 3 Right. So he drops in and Coach turns to him and he's like, hey, man, what took you so long? And he's like,

Speaker 3 ask me what took so long? Right.

Speaker 3 And he's like, were you? Were you taking a shit? And Bible man's like, I was taking a shit, man. Why do you have to make me say it out loud that I was taking a shit?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But it's not like a comedy moment. He's just like, you were were taking a shit.
And he was like, yes, I was taking a shit.

Speaker 3 I was like, cool. Do you want to murder this guy together? Yes.
Let's murder this guy. Let's finish the murder.
After you embarrassed me in front of him? Definitely.

Speaker 1 He's got to die now for sure.

Speaker 3 I thought the shitting was going to come back. And it turns out he's under attack from the irritable Baron of Syndrome or something.

Speaker 3 Well, so, okay, yeah, right. They're really narrow casting Bible Man to Eli now.
But so, okay, but then Coates just explodes the bad guy with his wrist lasers. Yeah.
Yep.

Speaker 3 Keep in mind, we watched someone's mom who disowned them for being gay at the very beginning of this tape say how violent Hollywood is.

Speaker 3 I have never seen a children's television show, except for Bible Man, explode a human into a pile of goo. In two minutes.
Two minutes in. Yes.

Speaker 1 Bible Man was also so incredibly unnecessary here.

Speaker 3 Nothing. Like,

Speaker 3 I...

Speaker 1 Insert the meme of tuxedo mask where he pops in and says, my job is done, but you didn't do anything.

Speaker 1 And like, Coates made such a big deal of like, don't leave me hanging, bro.

Speaker 3 And like, bro didn't do nothing. No, unless his flips were like, unless we're counting the flips, he's like, well, he did a front and back flip, actually.

Speaker 3 So he can't go unless Bible Man is watching the opposite of the way.

Speaker 3 All right. Well, no kink shaving on God awful movies.
We'll accept that.

Speaker 3 So, so yeah, so with the bad, we watched too, the bad guy, in case you're thinking to yourself, well, he didn't, surely he didn't kill that guy, did he? They show us the remains of the guy.

Speaker 3 He's now just a green pile of ooze. And Bible Man, upon seeing a man reduced to burbling slime, says, Don't you hate it when guys smoke? Yeah.

Speaker 3 So that's the line. That's it.

Speaker 1 Are they sending people to hell?

Speaker 3 Oh, my God, they are. Right.

Speaker 3 I guess the most generous interpretation is that they are already demons who are just returning to their workplace. But

Speaker 3 we find out later from the Master of Misery that he was an eight-year-old boy. Yes.
These are people. Yes.
So these do appear to be humans. Thank you.
Yeah. Maybe they're just possessed, right?

Speaker 3 Maybe Bible Man's just a monster. Yeah, I think that's the only real answer.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You want to make an omelette, got to crack a few eggs.

Speaker 3 So Bible Man and Coates are standing there and they're just going like, you know, there's been a lot of attacks recently that maybe they're all connected.

Speaker 3 And just as they're saying that, we back out to a mysterious bad guy we haven't met who is watching all of this on a camera, like a secret camera that he's got there. Yeah, his themed lair TV.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Which I liked. I wonder if you have to special order that, right? You're at Walmart being like, and could I fit like a skull decker

Speaker 3 around the edges of this where I couldn't? I'm a bad guy. I wanted to scream, I'm a bad guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And at the end of this scene, the actor tries out different laughs, but again, they kept all of them, right? He's like, Bible man. Ha ha ha.

Speaker 3 Hee,

Speaker 3 and they just kept them all yeah yep once again so okay and then we get the intro that is somehow always better and always worse than i remember it being god i never i i will say These credits and the full armor of God are always funnier than I remember.

Speaker 3 It's always sillier, right? If you ask me to name it off the top of my head, I'm always going to say something less silly than the cod piece of purity or whatever the fuck it is.

Speaker 3 Well, okay. So first of all, just a quick reminder: the entire intro boils down to Miles Peterson once wasn't Bible man, but then he was, right?

Speaker 3 He had a nervous breakdown in the rain and found a Bible buried in the ground before him.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 3 When I had a nervous breakdown in the rain, now I have to take a pill twice a day. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 3 This is what would happen if they wouldn't let the Gideons put Bibles in the hotel rooms anymore. They would just bury them out in the world and hope someone finds them.

Speaker 1 Also, why was he taking off his clothes? Like, he's straight up

Speaker 1 pulling his jacket off, like he's in a bad 90s dom-com.

Speaker 3 He's an ancient play. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I do love the idea, though, that if Eli went off his medicine for too long, he would become Bible man.

Speaker 3 I think there's an it's an almost a certainty. No,

Speaker 3 but yeah, the God light shines on him, and they do the whole pull on the armor of God thing, and they list it all off like Voltron is assembling or something. Oh, God.

Speaker 3 I mean, you could have had more, though. You could have had like the cloak of chastity, the eye makeup of not working on the Sabbath.
Like, you could have just kept going.

Speaker 3 I would have loved to see about 13 more pieces of God gear. The knuckle dusters of not allowing witches to live.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 We didn't pay for the DLC, guys. We get the base, the base armor, and that's it.
I hear you can win Game of the Year for those. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's how to start real controversy on an episode, people. We're getting it.
Skippity, Ohio. That was your chance.
That's Danity, Cecilia.

Speaker 3 Fuck.

Speaker 3 Amateurs. Have them on our show.

Speaker 3 Invite you to my home.

Speaker 3 Bring me 20-year-old memes, Cecilia. I need hot.
I need French. I need dates.

Speaker 3 This episode's on a two-week delay. Predict something.
Decades time. We'll see ourselves out.

Speaker 3 All right. So then we cut to.
I really hope Cecilia likes our show as much. Just read them in.

Speaker 3 Join me for a whisper fight after that.

Speaker 3 Okay. So then the titles come up and they tell us we're at Stedman Junior High.
Junior Highs are what we had before we had middle schools, kids. Heck yeah.

Speaker 3 This is the point where I realized that before I had watched the Amazon version of this, which was, I don't know, a gritty reboot or something. Oh, no.

Speaker 3 I guess that's what teaches me to pre-game. So I had to go back and watch like.

Speaker 3 two versions of this. And let me say, they're both really bad.
Yeah, right, right. There's not a good one.

Speaker 3 So, okay, and I swear, I'm not going to spend the whole goddamn movie talking about the little titles that come up here, but them fucking up military time is almost a subplot in this movie, right?

Speaker 3 Truly, yeah.

Speaker 3 They just know it's numbers higher than 12. Well, they don't even know that, right?

Speaker 3 So they, this, at this point, they just have it listed as like 1045 as with the colon and everything but then they just put hours at the end instead of a.m i think they that makes it military oh lord i honestly didn't even pay any attention to the little subtitle thingies for the the those numbers and you're better for it yeah yeah and so it's 47 minutes long i have to pay attention to everything right

Speaker 3 all right so now we cut to everybody leaving miss kendall's class and there are two boys outside michael and some other character that never gets named and they're having a bit of a heated altercation, right?

Speaker 3 Michael doesn't care about parties anymore because he's depressed. That's what we're learning in this scene.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 The teacher helpfully lets us know this by telling him that his grades are falling and so is his attitude.

Speaker 3 Your attitude is falling.

Speaker 3 Mrs. Kendall, do you want to go back out and try this again? Come back in.

Speaker 1 I've seen after-school specials with better dialogue.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, this was rough. True again.
No, this is this did not make the cut of after-school special, right? These are the embittered losers who didn't make it to save by the bell levels of morality.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, it's fucked save by the bell, but like legitimately, that is what we're dealing with, though, right? These are the writers that couldn't quite cut it for after-school specials.

Speaker 3 You know, it's like when a musician can't quite cut it in pop, they go to Christian pop, right? It's the same thing.

Speaker 3 That really is what's happening.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This is what happened to Ben Shapiro.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I was just going to say,

Speaker 3 if you don't get recruited by turning point. What was he trying for? Yeah.
Right, right.

Speaker 3 So, okay. So then we check in in Bible Man's Cave.
Again, they fuck up the military time. They say it's 1057 hours with the colon, but it's the middle of the night, right?

Speaker 3 They show us the cave in the dark.

Speaker 3 Sorry, they show us Miles Manor or whatever in the dark, but the cave is near there. That's the establishing shot.

Speaker 3 And Eunice is making Coates play hotter and colder for where she hid his keys or where he he lost his keys.

Speaker 3 And can I say we should remind listeners that for that didn't listen to episode 155, Eunice is the computer.

Speaker 3 Well, first of all, if you didn't, if you aren't caught up on the Bible man's spoilers, that's none of my fucking business. You can't roll in like Cecilia with your young people takes.

Speaker 3 I'm out here on the bleeding edge of Christian cinema, okay? I've done 484 of these motherfuckers. Catch up.

Speaker 3 I've created a canon. You're the dang choice of Christian cinema.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 We're really happy to be here.

Speaker 3 Hey, guys, I created a weird fucking vibe today. I do not know what it is.

Speaker 3 My son just won't use the potty. I'm really taking that out on y'all today.
And I just, I want to own that.

Speaker 3 I'm going to do

Speaker 3 a press conference thing when we're done recording.

Speaker 1 Potty training is a rough stage.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Cecilia. Back on my good list.
Not so much you, Reno.

Speaker 1 Wait Wait until they're teenagers.

Speaker 3 All right, so Eunice is playing hot and cold with the keys with coats when Bible Man comes in and he's got the sads.

Speaker 3 He's not feeling great, right? But because no one in this movie has ever admitted to the feeling of sadness, they're all describing it incorrectly to attribute to Noah's best worst, right?

Speaker 3 They're like, oh, really? You're feeling sad? And it's like,

Speaker 3 what's that feel like? Well,

Speaker 3 it's. There's potatoes.

Speaker 3 You squeeze tighter and you don't have gay thoughts.

Speaker 3 I'm not gay is how it feels. Also, and I apologize because I should have gone back and listened to the Bible Man episodes to make sure that I wasn't just making the same observations and jokes.

Speaker 3 Because I've created a canon. Well, exactly.
I should know the canon, exactly. But like, so we're in the budget bat cave, which is just

Speaker 3 cheap, scientific looking stuff, but it has stained glass windows in the background because religion, right? Because Christianity.

Speaker 3 Yeah, stained glass windows in the back and the weird lights that you can get from the back of a Spencer's gift. Right, exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But my question is, like, they're supposed to be underground in a cave.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he has to light them from the other side.

Speaker 3 There you go. All right.

Speaker 1 He totally has lights set up just to shine through those.

Speaker 3 Sure. Right.
But they all take turns complimenting Bible Man because that's what you need when you're having depression, right?

Speaker 3 Coates says that he's the greatest and Eunice agrees that he's a total stud who could totally pick up high school girls if he wanted to.

Speaker 3 Well, Bible Man straight up says, Maybe this is too much work for just one man. And I could see Coates like hiding his tears under his arm.
Right. What a dick thing to say to your side.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Maybe

Speaker 3 I could touch the Bible and give you some time off.

Speaker 3 Or have a thing I could drive. Choose the thing.
Maybe my lasers could do a thing. Or I need to figure out what that was.

Speaker 3 Like anything. Anything.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 I can have a cape.

Speaker 3 So, but just then there's a transmission alert, which is their phone rings, right? Eunice comes up, transmission alert. And it's just, it's just Miss Kendall who

Speaker 3 starts off her thing by going, Bible Man, thank you for taking my call.

Speaker 3 Okay, I have so many questions. How does Miss Kendall have direct access to Bible Man, right? Because like, I get why Commissioner Gordon has Batman's number.

Speaker 3 I want to know what part of the middle school incoming curriculum was. And by the way, if you have a question or a problem for Bible Man,

Speaker 3 here's how to FaceTime him.

Speaker 3 The clue is in, thank you for taking my call. Bible man has been ghosting her since they broke up.
And this is the first time he's finally picked up.

Speaker 3 There's drama happening back there. Reno's got a cannon too, y'all.
Holy shit. It's a war of the worlds here.
All right. So, yeah, but she's calling about Michael's dark moods and falling grades.

Speaker 3 And she's like, you know, if we're not careful, he will miss the science fair.

Speaker 3 Those are the stakes of the. Yes, that is going to be the stakes of the whole fucking video.
But first, Coates has to do a few japes about the word kumquat. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 First of all, it's word for word stolen from the Sunshine Boys, which I'm sure the writers who made this episode don't remember, but it's like quick, literally, the pickle is funny.

Speaker 3 Kumquat is funny lines from the Sunshine Boys by Neil Simon. So

Speaker 3 weird for me to be like, hey, you stole that from a Jew. I don't know how I feel about it.

Speaker 3 But second of all, it's all children's Christian comedy just has to grind everything to a halt and be like, here's the thing.

Speaker 3 Money.

Speaker 3 Knock, knock. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Right. So, by the way, I learned in this moment because he goes, where does a silly word like that come from? I learned it.
It's Cantonese for little orange, apparently. That's cool.
I like that.

Speaker 3 I hate when the meaning is just something that makes sense. I like it when it means like the palm of God, and you've got to be like, ooh, right? No, a little orange.
That could be wrong.

Speaker 3 I think that was like an AI summary I looked at. I didn't.
Wow. Yeah, right.
I was cheating.

Speaker 3 You lie to our friends when they arrive. You lie to our friends here on the show.
I was going to say that at a party. I would have been so embarrassed.
Right?

Speaker 3 Reno could have died. No amazing.

Speaker 3 So, okay. In North Carolina, they murder you if you give fun facts that are incorrect.
No, they don't. No, they don't.
I saw how they voted there. They make you the governor.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So, okay, so, but Bible Man at this point points out that he actually has a mobile version of Eunice now,

Speaker 3 which they're going to call a satellite because of my best worst. They don't give a fuck what that word means.
They sure don't.

Speaker 3 You guys were all hoping for a Flubber projection scene, right? Where she turns herself into a beautiful woman and tries to jerk off Bible Man.

Speaker 3 That would be an open question.

Speaker 3 I just want to say that everyone who has seen the Robin Williams hit movie Flubber absolutely got that joke and fucking loved it. Okay.
I'm just throwing that out there. I will bravely say yes.

Speaker 3 Thank you. But instead,

Speaker 3 we got this

Speaker 3 weird ball that gave me, I can't see a thing in this helmet, Star Wars flashbacks. Yeah.
That little laser that shot Luke. Yeah.
Again, Star Wars theft, strong in this film. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They knew what was popular in the 80s.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like so many Christians creating things in the early 2000s. That's what was popular in the 80s.

Speaker 3 So, okay. Now, apparently, though, the bad guy also has a secret camera in the Bible cave, right? Because back away and he's also watching this conversation between Bible Man and Coates.

Speaker 3 Now, he's like, apparently at this point, he's like, ah, just what I was waiting for to enact my master plan. And we're like, what? He's like, this part of the video, I guess, right?

Speaker 3 Because he acts like, you know, Eunice being deployed as a drone is going to come into play later and it doesn't. Right.
Right. But this is the way we first actually get to see our bad guy.

Speaker 3 Up until now, we've seen him like Dr. Claw, right? From behind or whatever.
But now we actually see him. He is the master of misery.
Yes. And this villain reveal did make me slightly more miserable.

Speaker 3 So hats off to the wardrobe, people. Yeah, actually, yeah, no, good, good point.
Yeah. And they have this weird meta moment here, right?

Speaker 3 So for those of you who have been following along with the canon of my genius, first of all, thank you.

Speaker 3 I assume many of you are archivists from the future, sort of under F for funniest person that ever existed. And

Speaker 3 I hope it's nice there in the future, but it's not. Also, you will remember 886.

Speaker 3 Let's not be assholes. They're mostly fighting over water at this point, right?

Speaker 3 But the point is, the point is you're studying my humor, which means that you're aware that this guy was the fucking guy of fear in the last episode. And so they need to apologize for that.

Speaker 3 They need to be like, why is this actor a different demon now? And so they do a whole like, oh, I got my job chain, but they do it too long, right?

Speaker 3 They have to go into like the corporate chain of hell and be like, well, I was actually moved laterally, even though it came with a pay decrease.

Speaker 3 But I was told that I'm no longer reporting to Helen and I don't like her. So

Speaker 3 yeah. Sorry.
Anyways, that's why I'm the same actor playing a different character. That was much easier than he's my twin brother.
There you go. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, so, but yeah, he's he's wearing a headset mic and he's wearing like a fake baldness helmet over his real baldness yeah very strange choice no no idea it's a hat on a hat yeah yeah right so then his sidekick comes in to relieve the comedy right like so you normally comic relief is there to be funny he's there so that funny can take a smoke break right yes truly i think they just thought skateboarder voice would do a lot more carrying than it does because he's like you're a villain And they pause while they're like, Let's let the kids stop laughing at home.

Speaker 3 Right. They're probably really losing it because you talk like the state of California.
There is so many wait-for-laughter pauses in this. It would have been 28 minutes if you'd taken all that out.

Speaker 3 Also,

Speaker 3 they also, at one point during this little meta bit, they try to make a William Shatner joke. And I wrote in my notes, I don't know if this qualifies as a joke.
What is the threshold?

Speaker 3 What is a quanta of humor? This show has me asking, what's the smallest possible unit of humor that can elevate something to jokehood? Exactly. Yeah.
That's where we're at right now.

Speaker 3 In a dualist state where a thing can both be a joke and not at the same time.

Speaker 3 And our observation of it has killed the cat. Yes.

Speaker 1 Schrödinger's joke.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But though, but yes, but we learned that this guy, the master of misery, has his most diabolical invention yet. He has an anti-joy transmitifier.

Speaker 3 I have one of those. It's called my iPhone.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Twitter.

Speaker 3 But in order to get it like worldwide, he needs to connect it to Bible Man's, quote, unlimited power grid, end quote.

Speaker 3 I feel like if Bible Man has an unlimited power grid, he has a lot of socioeconomic obligations. He's not familiar with it.

Speaker 1 Also, the Master of Misery does not know how depression works. You don't take over the world when you're depressed.
You hardly get a shower.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right. When you're depressed, it's not going to work.
His grand depression plans? No, yes.

Speaker 3 Oh, man. That's what we need.
We need a depression character who has the actual plans of depression. You will watch The Avengers ending a bunch of times in a row.
And eat potato chips.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was going to say, I will buy stock in Lay's potato chips.

Speaker 3 DoorDash, my great secret weapon.

Speaker 3 All right, well, I guess now that we've established our villain, we can take ourselves another break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of Bible Man, the incredible force of joy.

Speaker 1 This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Speaker 3 So you see, Timmy, when Jesus is in your heart, you can never feel sad.

Speaker 3 Oh, wow.

Speaker 3 Hey, sorry, Bible Man? Who are you? Eli Bosnik, podcaster. Big fan.

Speaker 3 I was just giving this young man some tips on fighting depression. No.

Speaker 3 No, you were not. You were actually kind of killing him, statistically speaking.
He was? Yeah. Yeah.
No, he was. But you know what does help with depression? Therapy.
It does? Sure does.

Speaker 3 If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Speaker 3 Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

Speaker 3 So no breaking up with my therapist because they refuse to call me Bible Man? Exactly. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp.

Speaker 3 Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com slash awful.
Gee, thanks. Get out of here, Bible man.

Speaker 3 Fine, but don't come crying to me when Big Pharma has its hooks in you. Oh, man, I hate you so much.
What? I said I respectfully disagree because it's an ad.

Speaker 1 So you're not coming to the Jamboree at all?

Speaker 3 I'm sorry, Billy. I just don't feel like it.
Never fear. The Strider is here.

Speaker 1 Strider, who are you?

Speaker 3 Well, first, I'm a very clever pun on SSRI. No, we got a man.
Yeah, but I'm also here to scare those blues away. Hooray! Quick, put this in your mouth.
A roll of toilet paper? Yes. That's dry.
Yep.

Speaker 3 But don't you feel better?

Speaker 3 Okay, honestly, yes, I do feel better. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 All right, Timmy, let's get to the party.

Speaker 3 Sure thing. Maybe I'll get lucky with Jessica tonight.
Not so fast, kid. Yep.
No, that's fair.

Speaker 3 And we're back for more of this shit, and we're going to rejoin the action a couple of days later with Eunice giving Bible Man an update on Michael's science project is the plot.

Speaker 3 Really wanted the computer to break character here and be like, we must have more important things to do.

Speaker 3 What with our unleashed. Is there still child rape? Yeah.

Speaker 3 So Bible Man's like, it looks like we're going to have to run a covert biological scan. And I'm like, okay, first of all, that sounds like when you use a black light to check for jiz stains.

Speaker 3 But secondly, there's no way I can interpret that where it's not terrifying. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of invasion of privacy happening here.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So he sends out the secret camera drone, which they keep calling a satellite, to spy on children at their school. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Sorry. Do covert biological scans on children.

Speaker 3 And just no one notices because none of these children look up and see a giant floating volleyball, I guess.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're apparently playing by the Spider-Man rules where no one bothers to look up.

Speaker 3 Right. Despite the fact that it should be the one thing you do.
Where's the spider? Yeah.

Speaker 3 And it's glowing green and it's got, it makes noise and shit. Yeah.
So it talks.

Speaker 3 Well, that's right.

Speaker 1 It talks and no one thinks that's weird. There's just the floating, discombobulated voice at the end.

Speaker 3 Right. They're like, well, it's above me, so I must not notice it.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, but then she does the biological skin and then Bible Man turns to Coates and he's like, Well,

Speaker 3 I guess lunch. And they're like, Yeah, we will in the movie take a lunch break.

Speaker 3 I thought we would just get to see them sitting there eating in silence.

Speaker 3 Chris makes great sales. They never give you enough napkins at this place.
I don't understand. Have you ever been to Jersey Mics? Jersey Mics is really good.
Not enough people.

Speaker 3 They give you a lot more napkins. You can just really just grab a bunch of rice.

Speaker 1 I want Jersey Mics, though.

Speaker 3 Yeah. All right.
Always. You always want Jersey Mics.
And best part about Jersey Mics, the owner of Jersey Mics fucked a shark. What?

Speaker 3 Yep. Take that home.
Enjoy it, everybody. You are trying to divert me.
Damn it. I'm going to stay.
First of all, Noah, there are four seconds. I'm Googling this right now.

Speaker 1 We're going to have to pause. Yeah.
I can Google.

Speaker 3 Do it in incognito mode.

Speaker 3 Safe search off, baby.

Speaker 3 So, as while Cecily's Googling the shark fucking,

Speaker 3 we've lost her for the rest of the day. Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 3 So, but apparently that lunch break is what the master of misery was waiting for to trigger his evil plan to tunnel into the Bible cave.

Speaker 1 Are we not going to mention what they're getting to eat?

Speaker 3 Oh, yes, yes. They're having a

Speaker 3 Scooby-Doo rules, they're going to have a liver and anchovy pizza. Yeah.
Because gross. Coates is gross.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then Bible Man says that Coates needs therapy. And the belief in therapy gives me more hope than is probably warranted.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It was a simpler time back then when Christians could have talked about therapy without getting embarrassed.

Speaker 3 I didn't think therapy existed in this world, like in this timeline. So, yeah, maybe.
Fingers crossed. It is hard to reconcile a world with both therapy and Bible man.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. No, you feel like.

Speaker 3 One precludes the other. All right, so we cut to, they've broken in.

Speaker 3 We have Eunice screaming about an intruder alert but miles and coates are out having their liver an anchovy pizza so they don't hear her so

Speaker 3 no idea what good the fucking intruder alert's doing okay can i say something that let me let me tread lightly for a moment uh oh there was a real

Speaker 3 violation of the only woman voiced character theme to this episode that i did not care for. Yeah, it twice.
It was way worse the second time.

Speaker 3 But yeah, like it didn't, it didn't occur to me till the second time how bad it was. But yeah.

Speaker 3 To use the parlance of our guests this week, I got a real killing joke vibe, if you know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I do. I do.
I felt like Eunice was being used as a kind of a plot device to motivate the men in her life. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, and it also doesn't help that ultimately what Eunice is saying is, please take your hands out of me, you know, and stuff like that. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Because she's the robot and he's getting it into the computer to hook his anti-joy gun up, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 When Eunice was hiding the keys earlier, she told Coates that it would help him become more observational. They obviously do need this help.

Speaker 3 Right? Yeah, no, for sure.

Speaker 1 Because they walk right by the bad guys as they're leaving, and no one bats an eye. And I just,

Speaker 1 it was a little bit, they're not detectives.

Speaker 3 It's certainly not. And they don't even like cover back up the tunnel they dug into the

Speaker 3 corner. Also, what's the point in having an intruder alert if the the people not there don't get it? Right.
Yeah, exactly. But they do the second time.
The second thing.

Speaker 3 That makes it even more confusing. Yes, thank you.
Well, and even worse, when Miles and Coates get back from lunch, Eunice isn't like, hey, guess what happened while you were gone? No.

Speaker 3 She doesn't tell them. No, they walk in and their shovels

Speaker 3 leaned up against the wall. Trust us, digging happened.
You don't have to see it. You see the shovels.

Speaker 3 They dug fast. yeah during the lunch break yeah yeah and she feels no need to be like

Speaker 3 while you were gone i i was violated in this way by a gun so yeah

Speaker 3 right right no so so and and look this is very easy to solve from a storytelling perspective because we sent eunice out as a

Speaker 3 like a robot.

Speaker 3 You could say her consciousness was in the little... Right.
She wasn't there when they made the satellite thing.

Speaker 3 But the fact that you have her going, intruder alert you can't do that that fucks up that excuse right

Speaker 3 she's just you know she's a good christian woman she didn't want to mention it oh god

Speaker 3 i don't want to bother you

Speaker 3 so i don't want to ruin the super bowl yeah

Speaker 3 i didn't write the i didn't write bible man okay nope you didn't you're just pointing it out my eunice would have a gun my eunice would do a full i spit on your grave yeah for the records later she does she does she does murder the girl.

Speaker 3 She does do a full I spit on your grave. Yeah, actually, yeah, she does.

Speaker 3 Spoilers. Is this where the Master of Misery has his one-off laugh track line where he looks at the camera? Yes, right.
You can't. Are you allowed to do that? To have a laugh track for just one line?

Speaker 3 Once? Well, I think that the writers or directors of this film went through the same existential fugue state that No Illusions did. And they were like, you know what?

Speaker 3 I'm not sure what's a joke, but I know if we put a laugh track in there, they have to admit that at least we tried to make a joke. Well, if that was the idea, they needed more.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 Right. Because here's the joke, right? Because so Ludacris is playing Pong on the Bible computer when they hear Bible Man coming and they have to leave.
And he's like, hey, what should we do?

Speaker 3 And the Master of Misery turns to the, you know, turns to the fourth wall and he goes, it's like talking to foam.

Speaker 3 And then there's just some crickets are going like, is that RQ? And then they're like, no, no, laugh track, laugh track. No, there's laughter somewhere.
Foam.

Speaker 3 Get it?

Speaker 3 Boom.

Speaker 3 But then they leave. And again, like, there's just a tunnel now, like a hole in the fucking Bible cave that Bible Man and coach will never see.
Yep.

Speaker 3 And then the title cards pop up and they're like, Bible man's cave. And we're like, that's where we were.
And then the time comes up and it says 1:42 p.m.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, well, they just got back from lunch. Where that's when it was.
We haven't gone anywhere. Why? What are you doing here, titles?

Speaker 1 By the way, just a side note, because I did look it up. It's the dude who owns Jimmy John's, not

Speaker 3 it was the guy who owned Jimmy John's. You know what? That was bothering me, but sometimes, can I tell you,

Speaker 3 step into my office? Sometimes I like to say things that aren't true on our show because it turns it into an ARG.

Speaker 3 Our listeners

Speaker 3 in the Patreon feed, they're just sort of trying to solve the little riddles, much like Reno's favorite character. Look at you bringing it back.

Speaker 3 I'm sort of a riddler of my own, but it's a riddle based on the things that came out of my mouth.

Speaker 3 There's a term for that. We call it fibbler.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 Just lying. Wow.

Speaker 1 And you got beat by Bible Man.

Speaker 3 Part of my podcast. Yeah, exactly.
Part of my podcasting canon, you mean?

Speaker 3 Okay. So now we're back at the Bible Cave, or still at the Bible Cave, and they're noticing a few problems with Michael's bio scans.

Speaker 3 There's a lot of neural interference and some quote, I'm sorry, his heart is experiencing some quote electro-motivational flux

Speaker 3 who wanted all this science babble in the middle of the Bible man show like who was looking at the script for this episode of the Bible man show and was like I just feel like we need to really dig into the mythos more of the dastard of depression I'm just I'm just not buying it you know I mean you usually use this kind of like tech speak to shore up like weak parts in your plot yeah but it's all weak spot.

Speaker 3 Like there, there's there's not enough tech speak in the world to cover this all up.

Speaker 3 And not only that, the end result is that they look at all of this, you know, the neural interference and the electromotivational flux and they go, whoa, this kid is depressed.

Speaker 3 Miss Kendall fucking told you that. Yeah, I was going to say, a thing they could have learned from the phone call with the person they had.
Yes. Yeah, don't need fucking bio scans.

Speaker 3 They say at this point that his heartbeat is too

Speaker 3 what that's not a thing guys that's not a thing you're what does that mean

Speaker 3 most more regular the better they were just trying to comfort you noah they were like yeah

Speaker 3 that's really the equivalent like the that's the medical equivalent of saying it's quiet yeah

Speaker 3 right yes

Speaker 3 so and then quite suddenly there's an alarm and eunice says neural net compromised and the gauge on the screen says lethal

Speaker 3 we don't know what any of that means and never will but the camera goes shaky. So that means it's action time.

Speaker 1 The acting was just so bad at this part that it's like the disbelief was already not working, but like it was so stark.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because the camera's shaky and they're doing like the most and it's just so flat.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think I've ever seen such bad acting.

Speaker 3 Well, Coates says at this point, because we don't know what any of this means, Coates goes, it's time for Bible Man.

Speaker 3 And so bible man runs over the vhs starts over do you hate those jews in hollywood

Speaker 3 so but but no but so miles runs over to the bible man outfit and we get that full armor of god sequence that we love so much again

Speaker 1 if iron man was religious yes

Speaker 3 we get The full armor sequence versus the kink armor sequence, which is just the cape and the cow. Oh, I want that one.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Pull armor sequence, execute.

Speaker 3 Now, and we get this weird thing where, like, for each of the five items, Coates will say the name of the item, and then the fucking voiceover guy from every toy commercial in the 90s would repeat it, right?

Speaker 3 Coates would go, waste belt of truth. And the guy would go, waste belt of truth.

Speaker 3 So he gets through doing them, and then they get to sword of the spirit, where Coates is supposed to say it and have it repeated.

Speaker 3 And Bible Man is just like, and we didn't pay for this, but there's also a Sword of the Spirit. Yes.
Also, who puts on their belt first? I just feel like that should be pointed out.

Speaker 3 Because that is

Speaker 1 the first thing that goes on.

Speaker 3 And it is.

Speaker 1 That's not how clothes work.

Speaker 3 Also,

Speaker 3 so I love the visual here, right? Because it's the belt, and then there's a breastplate and a shield and a sword and a helmet. So his dick is out.
His dick is just

Speaker 3 straight up Donald ducking it. Yes, no.
Bible man, indeed.

Speaker 3 Now that he's fully attired, I figured out that he is dressed very close to Shaquille O'Neal in the 1997 hit Steel. Yeah, there are some real steel vibes.
We say hit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, if you spray painted him purple. Sure, sure.
Yeah, it's a work of art, honestly.

Speaker 3 I just, we did that one time for a secular bonus episode in the part of that movie where the, where the paraplegic girl has to drag herself up and they're all just going, no, don't help her.

Speaker 3 She needs to do this on her own. It's one of my favorite moments in the history of fucking cinema.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And funnily enough, Trump just appointed that scene as the head of Disability Services. Yeah.
Not the person, the scene. It's just he's just going to play that whenever people need help.
Right, right.

Speaker 3 So, okay, but then, so Bible Man now has his Bible Man outfit on. So he jumps on the Bible bike and he heads to Stedman Junior High.

Speaker 3 So we cut to the school where the the baddies are sneaking around. They're like expositing about their nefarious plan to fucking ruin Michael's science fair motivation.
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Speaker 3 Is what they're after. We see Miss Kendall trying to cheer Michael up, but she's no match for the master of misery's sadness, Ray.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But you know who is

Speaker 3 motherfucking Bible Man. Bible man

Speaker 3 hiding under the stairs, which I can I say, I'm grateful that the villains were here because when they said it's time for Bible Man, I was like, what is he going to do to help Michael?

Speaker 3 Punch him until he feels better? I mean,

Speaker 3 luckily, there's someone here for him to fist fight. Otherwise, he would have just showed up and been like, I'm a guy who touched a Bible.
My dick is out. I don't know what to say.

Speaker 3 And I'm in a school. Did you hear about the CEO of Jimmy Johns?

Speaker 3 There's a photo. You can find it pretty easily.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why is Michael being in the science fair so important? They never establish, like, does he invent something special?

Speaker 3 Well, he's going to represent the young earth worldview, a much-needed

Speaker 3 science fair.

Speaker 3 Everybody they can get. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, yeah. So now it's time for one of the staples of Bible Man shows.
This is the part where Bible Man runs around lightsaber fighting somebody while quoting Bible verses.

Speaker 3 So lightsabers aren't copyrighted at all. Like just apparently not.
And use them. Okay.
Clearly, you could just get away with that shit. Good to know.

Speaker 3 And also, like, so I want to point out, so we've watched, I think, like three other episodes of Bible Man before.

Speaker 3 He's reusing the same goddamn Bible verses. He sure is.
Romans 12 21.

Speaker 3 We've seen him do that one, I think, maybe more than once before.

Speaker 1 See, this is what happens when you don't read the Bible. You just touch it.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's not what happened when he became Bible Man.

Speaker 1 He just touched the book. He did not read the book.

Speaker 3 He knows like these five and like three of the baguette verses. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 3 So yeah, so they're locked in battle and ludicrous, the sidekick, is just like, hey, I have the anti-joy gun. Do you want me to shoot him in the back? And he's like, yes, shoot him in the back.

Speaker 3 Yes, that's why you're here, man. Right.
But Bible Man somehow doesn't like dodge or anything. He just gets shot.
They're talking about like, shoot him in the back and three, two, got him.

Speaker 3 You know, whatever.

Speaker 1 It would have cost too much to try to actually figure out where the Ray was going.

Speaker 3 Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 It was easier to just have him get shot.

Speaker 3 Right. Clearly.
Well, they could have just replayed his cartwheeling scene. And then you just assume he got out of the way.

Speaker 3 And this is the scene where Bible Man is going to offer us his first real solution to depression, which is James, where James says, think of bad things as good things. I don't know.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 Right. So, yeah, he shoots the laser at him and he goes, I love Jesus too much to be affected by your depression, Ray.
Depression is something that only happens to people who aren't Christian enough.

Speaker 3 And we're all like, oh, God.

Speaker 3 Is that the message? Yes. That's the fucking message.
Because you know what was said about Bible Man for me up to this point? It didn't have a body count, right? It didn't have a body.

Speaker 3 Sure. These assholes jumping around in rubber suits didn't have a demonstrable murdery vibe.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And don't worry if you didn't catch it. They're going to double, double, triple, quadruple down on this fact.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to say Ludacris as a person deserves better than the representation he's given in this movie.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Yes. And he deserved to be played by Ludacris.
I love that.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. I would love just Ludacris taking a piss on this movie the entire fucking time.
One of the many things that the Fast and the Furious franchise snatched from betwixt our hands is

Speaker 3 Ludacris's appearance in this film. I like that the only reason Ludacris isn't in this movie is because there was a schedule conflict.

Speaker 3 That was it. All it was.
He was shooting the scenes in Fast and the Furious 10 where they go to space and he could not make the

Speaker 3 rigorous two-day shooting schedule of Bible Man. Incredible force of joy.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, okay, so we cut back to the Master of Misery's hideout. He's just been defeated by Bible Man's incredible force of joy.
It's not as sexy as I just made it sound.

Speaker 3 But this is where he and Ludacris are kind kind of licking their wounds and realizing they need to amp up their sadness gun. They're just doing bits while they wait for the scene to start.

Speaker 3 It's like, what if I said hi and you said, oh, thank God. Okay, it's time to do our lines doing our screen.
Yeah, there's the echoes, the bit where he's yelling echoes in there.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they did a never-ending story reference, which, you know, hats off for that. Well, that was the high point of the film, really, wasn't it? Like, Woody, Woody.

Speaker 3 The high point of all of these episodes are when they reference better media, right? They're like, okay, we stole a lightsaber and we stole dropping down like Batman. Nope, that's fair.

Speaker 3 They just start quoting Monty Python movies like eighth-grade mean.

Speaker 3 It's only a flesh wound. And me into a newt.
Yeah. So, okay, so the master of misery, he's like toying with his gun.
And Ludacris is like, but what if Bible Man's right? What if God is too powerful?

Speaker 3 And then.

Speaker 1 Know your audience, Luda.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, exactly. Right.
Because what that apparently does is cue the Master of Misery to start singing a goddamn musical number. Hell yeah.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 He's a better singer than an actor.

Speaker 1 Not that that says much. No.

Speaker 3 But it is true. No, but he's not bad.
He's actually, he's way better than I was expecting when he started singing. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But yeah, so, and this is another one of those things like the opening credits sequence where like I always forget. That there are musical numbers in this fucking show.
Always.

Speaker 3 There are things that are always going to be true. One, we we will always find the armor of God funnier than we did the last time.
Two, they sing and we will not remember the

Speaker 3 right.

Speaker 3 So, okay, and I'm not going to dwell on all the fucking rhymes, but his opening rhyme in this goddamn song was said with create Ted.

Speaker 3 That was the opening bid when it came to rhymes. It doesn't get better.
I wrote in my notes at this point: the rhymes here are designed to drive no illusions into a personal fugue state.

Speaker 3 This was an amazing. I mean,

Speaker 3 this three-minute song only took, I don't know, 24 minutes according to my internal clock.

Speaker 3 But the best part was when the ladies from the Simply Irresistible music video came out.

Speaker 3 The depression backup dancer. Yes.
Yes. So good.

Speaker 3 Backup dancers. Well, yeah, because he's singing about how happiness is bullshit.
And I'm like, all right, well, the rhymes suck, but I like the message, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But again, they couldn't think of any actual bad things because that would bring up the problem of evil.

Speaker 1 See, I think an eight-year-old within rattle speaks of other issues, though. There were probably some really sad things that they were hinting at, but not quite saying.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
But yeah, he's got the chorus of the song says, nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me shine, nothing makes me see the fun or leave my troubles behind.

Speaker 3 That's what we're bopping out to here. Yeah.
Quality of rhyme and strip we're working with every time. Oh, that's the best they ever do.

Speaker 3 That's like better than the rest of the lions wish they could be as good as shine and behind.

Speaker 3 And this sent me into a bit of a crisis because I assumed none of these people were human until this point.

Speaker 3 And then I was like, oh, this was just a normal kid who had a really bad day one day and has been in a depression spiral ever since. And if I know Bible Man, he's going to get murdered.

Speaker 3 He's going to murder him for it.

Speaker 3 No, you're absolutely right. Cause like that, there is kind of a like, it's really hard to do a silly, funny song where the message is,

Speaker 3 I wallow in depression all the time and am gray and melancholic, right? And they don't. They agree to disagree, no illusions.

Speaker 3 Well, it's tough. I'm not saying you can't do it.
I'm saying they can't do it, right? So at the end, you're just like, okay, so this guy just needs a fucking hug, right? Right.

Speaker 3 We watched the master of depression go through ECT and he's like, wow, that really fucking happens.

Speaker 3 All right, well, this video just songed at us, and I believe we're entitled to compensation. So I'm going to call an 800 number real quick.
But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Speaker 3 Will Michael continue to feel a little meh? Will the science project, which he will complete despite the evil depression ray, not really be all that it could be?

Speaker 3 Will Bible Man fucking murder the master of misery in cold blood? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the awesh conclusion of Bible Man, the incredible force of joy.

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, Coates, the master of misery is around here somewhere. We've got to find him.
You said it, Bible Man. Excuse me, young man.
What's this exhibit on?

Speaker 3 Oh, it's on fossils. Nice try.

Speaker 3 Bible man, you killed that kid. Not at all, Coates.
That's a minion of misery spreading the devil's lies.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bible Man, come check out my poster on evolution.

Speaker 3 You wish, anti-fish.

Speaker 3 Another minion? 100%, Coates. Hey, kid.
Um, yeah? What's your exhibit on?

Speaker 3 It's about how bats are birds. Bats are mammals, kid.
Everybody knows

Speaker 3 Bible. I mean, I mean, good job, kid.
Thanks.

Speaker 3 And we're back for still more of this shit.

Speaker 3 And now fully recovered from the music number, or at least as fully recovered as we will ever be, we're going to dive back into the Bible cave with Eunice asking Bible Man about his experiences with the sadness ray.

Speaker 3 Right. He explains that the wave drew the joy from his very soul.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 This was the first time it occurred to me to ask, and maybe in a previous episode I've asked also, but like, why is the Bible cave, you guys think, covered in a thick layer of smoke on the floor at all times?

Speaker 3 Great question. Great question.
I assume it's from those Catholic swing emubabbers.

Speaker 3 Right. He's just got them going.
Like the sensors. Okay.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
That's exactly right. All right.

Speaker 3 I just, I feel like these guys are going to wind up with mesothelioma from working in this environment all the fucking time.

Speaker 3 But for some reason, they get a religious exemption to the lawsuit and the whole thing.

Speaker 1 You know, I just realized the Ray drew the soul from the joy from his very soul it's like a dementor attack oh yeah

Speaker 3 absolutely harry potter they're going to be so mad that they uh invoked harry potter i know

Speaker 3 yeah

Speaker 3 so but then so bible man and coach they realize there must be a

Speaker 3 joy taker away or ray that's working against michael but how would he find a way to boost his signal enough i just i and again i cannot emphasize enough i do not know why they decided to dive into the science of the depresserator ray.

Speaker 3 Right? They were like, I'm telling you, Matt, look, what's the best part of Star Wars? The Midichlorians. Exactly.
We need to get into the hard science elements of the Depresserator Ray. Yes.
Right.

Speaker 3 But they realize, well, so like credit where credit's due, Eunice realizes that.

Speaker 3 He's waiting to really spring his Depresserator Ray on everybody until everybody's gathered together for the science fair.

Speaker 1 Thank goodness for Eunice. Otherwise, they'd still be Superman posing while the Master of Misery wins.
Right.

Speaker 3 She's done all the fucking work here.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 This made a great point.

Speaker 3 I want all the Christian kids to notice that nothing good can come from science. Yes.
And now we are creating several hundred emo kids all at one time. Oh, God.
And now that. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Now I know how high the stakes are. Right.
Now it's real. Right.
Shit just got real. Wow.

Speaker 3 Actually, that's episode 11, the divorce era, and we're time you divorce a set of parents who create an emo kid.

Speaker 3 Okay, so I have a question about... I know this is such a stupid thing to say, but I have a question about the Master of Misery's plan, right? Because

Speaker 3 if his goal was to lure everyone to the science fair, why would he start off by making Michael too depressed to go to the science fair?

Speaker 3 Well, Noah, I don't want to spoil the end of the episode, but that might not actually be his plan. Oh, okay.
All right. I'm looking forward to the reveal that

Speaker 3 you've got for me. So, okay.
So. Here's hoping I remember what the fuck I just said.

Speaker 3 So, okay. So we cut to the science fair.
Bible man and coats show up in full costume. Right.
The computer ball has to stay hidden, but Bible Man and Frenchman.

Speaker 3 Frenchman. I call it French Fire and Legion again.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Coats can just walk around the premises as they are.

Speaker 3 I feel like, look, if I'm sending my kid to a school that doesn't step Bible man at the fucking door, I'm worried about the safety of my child. You're living in Trump's America now, Noah.

Speaker 3 You've got to prepare Bible Man to be at the science fair. No, you're right.
You're lucky Bible Man isn't the superintendent of Oklahoma. Oh, Lord.

Speaker 3 Okay, can I say something from my heart? Because I made a joke. I would rather have.
No, I didn't. I was so

Speaker 3 saying the same thing. I was like, at least Michael Man has principles, though, right? Yeah.
He doesn't like the fibbler or whatever that

Speaker 3 Jewish woman was.

Speaker 1 He does believe in therapy enough to suggest it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 He'd be a better health director than Dr. Oz.

Speaker 3 Right. Yeah, absolutely.
Or RFK Jr. Yeah.
Speaking of super villains. So, right.
So, yeah, so they get into the science fair. They're like, we need to stay close to Michael.
And I'm like, why?

Speaker 3 And he's like, I just like the way his hair smells.

Speaker 3 Michael,

Speaker 1 Michael, your dads are here.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So they come over and they introduce themselves to Michael.

Speaker 3 And I feel so sorry for this fucking poor actor because he is simultaneously being asked to be really excited to meet Bible Man, which is already a tall order to fill as an actor,

Speaker 3 but also he has to remain depressed. Yeah.
Because that's his whole thing. So this poor fucking guy is trying to embody both of these contradictory traits simultaneously.

Speaker 3 And he does, he gives it his all. He doesn't pull it off because it's literally impossible, definitionally impossible, but he sure as hell tries.
So, yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, I got the vibe from this conversation that even Michael thought Bible Man could be using his time better.

Speaker 3 Yeah, 100%. You're here about my, I did do a science project.
It's just, I was just depressed.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 3 And he tells Bible Man that he said, and Bible Man's answer is being happy isn't about what goes right. It's about how we handle when it goes wrong.

Speaker 3 And again, even though that's supposed to be a truism platitude, that is not what being happy is about. That's about handling unhappiness.
Yeah, this is,

Speaker 3 but I will admit, there is a great moment in the scene that I absolutely love where he goes, well, everyone else's science project is better than mine.

Speaker 3 And Bible Man and Coates are like, well, as long as you tried your hardest. And I don't know if you all don't speak parent, but that is code for the thing you just said is true.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Well, but so, and then that's the worst part is that they go, well, did you try your best? And we're like, no, because he was depressed.

Speaker 3 The whole plot of this show is that he really didn't put his all into that. And he's like, yeah.
And he's like, well, there you go then. There you go.

Speaker 3 Like I used baby powder instead of baking soda and this volcano ain't doing shit.

Speaker 3 So yeah, but he's like, he's like, well, let me just proselytize to you about Jesus a little bit. And he's like, oh, wow, isn't this a public school? And he's like, what?

Speaker 3 But then we cut back. We get the really uncomfortable scene with the Master of Misery going elbow deep in Eunice.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.
This is the one where she's literally saying, get your hands out of me.

Speaker 3 And can I say, this also pays off the thing that I said before that I wasn't sure I was going to remember because it turns out he wasn't trying to lure everyone to the science fair.

Speaker 3 He was trying to pretend he was luring everyone to the science fair so that Bible Man would go to the science fair so he could go back into the lab and do the thing that he did before, but again and more.

Speaker 1 I am going to have to give him credit. This is better thought out than some of the comic books we have read, Reno.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, not. Not even like the Joker's plan and fucking Dark Knight.
Still a better twist than identity crisis.

Speaker 3 So I think you're actually making it smarter than it is because I think his plan was to do this so that he could use his Bible Ray at the science fair.

Speaker 3 I think they actually were trying to have their cake and eat it too there. But I also have this question.

Speaker 3 So at this point, first of all, Eunice puts out an alert, an intruder alert, and Coates gets it this time.

Speaker 3 Right? So Coates comes up to Bible Man, who didn't get it, apparently, and he says, you know, there's a code blue intruder alert.

Speaker 3 Why would that be a code blue? Why do you have a code for someone's elbow deep in Eunice? Well, how often are villains ending up elbow deep in Eunice that you have a color-coded system?

Speaker 3 And how is that only rise to the level of a blue what happens at red jesus fucking christ guy well when when it's code red they're not elbow deep in units oh my gosh

Speaker 3 oh dear

Speaker 3 so

Speaker 3 yeah so but yeah they they learn at this point that the lab is where he's been transmitting his sadness ray from the whole time so Bible Man and Coates have to split up.

Speaker 3 He's like, you stay at the science fair. I'll go back to the lab.
And Coates is like, okay, but we just learned nothing is happening at the science fair. Why am I? Hold on a second.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by the concept of security cameras.

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 3 Or locks on the doors. Yeah.
Or passwords. Maybe investigating the shovels that are just left hanging outside.

Speaker 3 That you didn't break in yourself. AGT sponsored this episode of Bible Man.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, so, but Bible Man jumps back on the Bible bike and heads back to the Bible cave.

Speaker 3 Which I am now 100% sure is just Bat Girl's bike from the 60s Batman TV show. Oh, okay.
Yeah, 100%. Yeah.
Yeah. So, okay.
So back at the cave, Eunice is protesting more.

Speaker 3 She's yelling about an unauthorized intruder alert, which suggests the existence of an authorized intruder, which is weird.

Speaker 3 But just then, just at the rapiest moment in this entire thing, Bible Man shows up for a second lightsaber bat. Oh, yeah.
We had three days of lightsaber choreography practice, everybody.

Speaker 3 Let's do this thing. Fuck yeah.
So this is where they, this is where they blow their pyrotechnic budget.

Speaker 3 There is a small explosion at this point. Yeah.
I point that out because they're going to be really proud of that later on. Oh, they're so proud of it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's the explosion that kills the Doctor of Depression, or is that the lightning storm? No, no, that's just

Speaker 3 an explosion. But then he releases the satellite that they had earlier, the drone, and explains that you can never steal the droid from a true Christian.

Speaker 3 And Eunice starts undoing all of his stuff that he's done to the computer. Like her drone starts reprogramming it.
So she could have fixed herself if someone had just asked her to. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 That was what she was missing.

Speaker 1 You know, this is really advanced tech for the 90s. I'm surprised.
The Christians now would be worried about 5G.

Speaker 3 Yeah, 100%. Yeah, no,

Speaker 3 they'd have Eunice in a Faraday cave. Right.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, but Eunice explains that a reverse overload is imminent. So, an underload.
I don't know what the fuck that is. But that is when the lightning bolt leaps out of it.

Speaker 3 They say to the Master Misery, they're like, you better get out of here. Reversal underload or whatever.
Very important. And he's like, I don't know what that means.

Speaker 3 And then a lightning bolt explodes him to death.

Speaker 3 So again, we have now killed two sentient humans

Speaker 3 in this episode so far. Yes.
Ludacris is lucky to have gotten out with his skin. Honestly, yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 I'm glad Eunice got revenge for the creep touching her, though.

Speaker 3 Like, that part wasn't. Yeah.

Speaker 3 A fool, I spit on your grave. No, yeah.
He deserved to explode like the potato he exploded. Like, yeah,

Speaker 3 it was good. The other guy, we never saw what he did.
So if he was a creep, too, that's fine. We're good.
Yeah. So, okay.

Speaker 3 So then now having taken care of the master of mystery, Bible Man hurries back to the science fair where everyone is much happier now. Yeah, they're all feeling better, including Michael.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 how did he do at the science fair?

Speaker 3 They never

Speaker 3 tell us.

Speaker 1 I need to know. It distracted me for the rest of this episode.
Like, did he win? Did he get last place?

Speaker 3 We don't know yet. What happened? Right.

Speaker 3 I don't think Bible Man was ready to commit that any of their people would win a five science fair because they knew they were setting themselves up for trouble. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, so, but Michael turns to Bible Man. He's like, hey, you know, how do I keep the joy when things go wrong in my life? And Bible Man says,

Speaker 3 Jesus.

Speaker 3 Right. Yeah.
Just a quick question. What went so wrong in this kid's life? Something about a party? Like, oh, his dad killed himself and he found a body.

Speaker 3 Oh. Did you not watch the extended cut? Kind of very illegal.
Yeah, no. So the dad was in same-sex attraction therapy, but it was not going well.

Speaker 3 And he sort of did a late-night thing with another dad. And then the coach of the baseball team found out because he was at that same bar.
And then he just shot himself in the garage.

Speaker 3 I mean, Michael's the one who found him. You see why people don't know the Eli Cannon.
This is why. It just takes these dark fucking turns now.
I say the Eli Cannon into the microphone.

Speaker 3 I don't control how much of it reaches the people.

Speaker 3 It's not my job.

Speaker 1 Fanfiction.net.

Speaker 3 Thank you. Yeah, there you go.
Bible Man fan fiction is an underserved category on fan fiction. Oh, Bible Man Rule 34.
I'm going to Google that. Like Google Jimmy Jan.

Speaker 3 So, okay. So then we cut back over to the Bible cave where Miss Yep, it exists.
Yeah, of course it exists.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 Miss Kendall has now left them a message about how great everything's going with Michael. She says, Michael's performance has really picked up.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, well, that sounds like you're talking about ED medication or something, right?

Speaker 3 And he's getting along better with his mom, which I didn't know he wasn't which was never introduced in the first place but they fixed it the problem that we didn't know happened it's the problem also that he's not going to enough underage parties i really don't understand what was wrong with michael that's kind of how they established it yeah yeah

Speaker 3 So Michael's doing fine, and then they hang up with Miss Kendall, and Coates is like, I'm sure happy, you're not grumpy like you were at the beginning of this episode.

Speaker 3 And Bible Man says, yeah, no, if you ever express any kind of depression, it it means that you don't love Jesus enough. So, you should really bottle that kind of stuff up, kids.

Speaker 1 So, is Bible Man having a crisis of faith?

Speaker 3 Never. Not anymore.
He's not. God damn it.
Yeah. You'll never get him to admit what he's feeling.

Speaker 3 The Bible Man slash Ethan Wright story. Oh, God.

Speaker 3 It took me the entire episode to figure out who he was reminding me of, but it's Jared from Subway. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 His civilian identity is Jared from Subway. Not to bring up another Subway.

Speaker 3 Sub-mogul

Speaker 3 tycoon.

Speaker 1 This episode is really sub-packed, isn't it?

Speaker 3 It is. It is.

Speaker 3 We should check. Can I say, based on this information we have, we should check on Jimmy John.

Speaker 3 We should just bust into his house with a SWAT team every like three to six months to just be like, sorry, man. It's just statistically, you're doing a thing.

Speaker 3 We got to check. Hopefully it's a shark.

Speaker 3 That's our best case scenario. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So yeah, so, but then just then there's a transmission alert. Oh, sorry.
They, they all, they get around, they get together and count their blessings

Speaker 3 for a bit. You know, Bible Man talks about how he's got a great job and great friends and all that jazz, which, again, is that's such a bad, like, this episode is about depression.

Speaker 3 So you can't end it with, but I have a great job and a great house and great family and great friends, because like

Speaker 3 a lot of people don't. What if you don't have

Speaker 3 it? A lot of people don't. That's often why they're so depressed.
Unless you're some kind of loser, some limpstick loser.

Speaker 3 Every woman I have sex with has an orgasm right away.

Speaker 3 Someone who doesn't even have a costume or their own vehicle starts crying again. Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 I don't have a good job.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, but then they get a transmission alert. The glutton is escaping from sector five.

Speaker 3 The gluttony. And they say, like, oh, he'll be eating everything in sight.
So just in case there wasn't some fucking fat shaming in the movie. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 A little bit.

Speaker 1 Oh, is the same dude going to wear a fat suit for the next one?

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 we'll let you know. We'll call you in.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So, but then he's like, I'll get back on the Bible bike.
And Coates is like, hey,

Speaker 3 when do I get a signature vehicle? And the show ends. So, like, you have to imagine like Coates

Speaker 3 getting on the bus, right? Like, you know, why can't Bible Man at least have a. My Uber's 15 minutes away, and the the guy's texting me to cancel.
I'm not going to cancel.

Speaker 3 I'm going to make him cancel. Let him cancel.
Bible man.

Speaker 1 If he doesn't have his own vehicle, what keys does he keep losing? Is he bringing

Speaker 3 the ones to his cock cage? Again, you need to read the fan fiction I wrote. I sent it out to you guys before you came on the show.

Speaker 1 Send me a link to your fan fiction and I'll leave you kudos.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Fellow AO3 survivor, everybody.

Speaker 1 Yes. Amen.

Speaker 3 Pretty skibbity Ohio up in here, isn't it?

Speaker 3 Freeze frame. Cecilia, we freeze frame.
That's the end of the podcast.

Speaker 3 So the episode. No, okay.
So that's the end of the episode. It's not the end of the podcast, though, yet, because if Bible managed to pop up for a fucking knowing is half the battle monologue.

Speaker 1 This is the worst Sailor Moon says segment ever.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I feel like we've determined the exact age difference between you and me, Cecilia, because I went with G.I.
Joe and you went Sailor Moon or whatever.

Speaker 3 I think there's a seven-year difference between our ages. That's my guess.

Speaker 3 I have also made her read G.I. Joe, though.
Oh, right on. Well, good.
Good for you. Good for you.

Speaker 1 I made you read Sailor Venus.

Speaker 3 Also, you're even. Oh, I'm intrigued, but we'll save that until we're off the air.
So, okay. So, Bible Man shows up and directed cameras us a little bit to say, hey, if you're sad, fucking stop it.

Speaker 3 Stop it. Cut it out.

Speaker 3 You're making me angry.

Speaker 3 You loser. So,

Speaker 3 yeah, being depressed will make Jesus sad, and that's on you. But if you're not a depressed asshole, you too can put on the full armor of God.

Speaker 1 Just remember, belt first.

Speaker 3 Yes, exactly. He also ends with a call to, if you're not a Christian yet, you know, accept Jesus in your life, talk to your parents.
Oh, right. Of course, it's an altar call.
Yes. Yeah.
And I admire.

Speaker 3 I really admire the optimism that someone who wasn't already saved would ever watch this, would ever get that far. Who the fuck starts with Bible Man?

Speaker 3 You know, look, I don't know much about this Christianity thing, but if they have a superhero aimed at children, that's how I like to explore. Imagine that is your, I got saved story.

Speaker 3 It's like I was in the drugs. I was in a motorcycle game.

Speaker 3 But what? My dad killed himself in the garage and I got last place at the science center.

Speaker 3 Really spoke to me. No, so, but here's the thing, though.
Here's the really sad admission of this. The goal of Bible Man isn't to proselytize to Christian kids.

Speaker 3 It's to make the Christian kids like it so they'll play it when their friends come over. The idea is that you'd be watching this with your buddy, going like, hey, let's watch Bible Man.

Speaker 3 And they'd go like, Bible Man, that sounds pretty lame. And you'd say, there's a lot of sword fights in it.
And they'd go, ooh, sword fights.

Speaker 3 And then they would watch this and they'd get to this part. And they'd be like, I want to be a Christian-like Bible Man.
That is literally their goal. Their stated goal with this.

Speaker 3 Oh, I wish them all the luck. No, no, I don't.
Yeah. The opposite of that.

Speaker 3 And perhaps sensing that that was a really depressing end for a future podcast, we also get a big, long behind-the-scenes role at this point. Yeah.

Speaker 3 A behind-the-scenes role that ends with, and I want to be clear here, I am not exaggerating, ends with, if we didn't laugh, we'd kill each other.

Speaker 3 That's true.

Speaker 3 Yes. Yeah, he does say that.
So first, though, we get a bunch of shots of like, we did too have real cameras. Look how real our cameras were.

Speaker 3 Real cameras, mats on the floor,

Speaker 3 professional production. Right, right.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 We get Willie Ames, that's the actor that plays Bible Man. He's talking about the importance of Bible Man.

Speaker 3 I love this opening line because he goes, like, well, you know, the difference between Bible Man and those other caped Crusader superheroes is,

Speaker 3 well, it's the Jesus stuff. It's all Christians.
There's a lot of Christians.

Speaker 3 I laughed out loud. It made me so happy.
You might not have caught it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 In case all the scripture didn't inform you just a little bit,

Speaker 1 what does Captain America not do?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Quote Romans at you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right. That's right.
Yeah, exactly. Never does that.
I bet he would.

Speaker 3 Yeah, if anybody's. I feel like they cut it out.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I bet he was racist, too.

Speaker 3 I bet the first week him and Nick Furry worked in the same building, they had to have a lot of talk. Oh my God, that's the things he said.

Speaker 1 No, that's the secret of Captain America. He's always woke.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 yeah. He was frozen long enough.

Speaker 3 Now he's woke. So, but he tells us the story we just watched, right? Willie Ames does.
And then we get a quick interview with the guy who plays Master of Misery, who has nothing.

Speaker 3 He's just like, well, I'm

Speaker 3 the main bad guy, man. I'm it.

Speaker 3 I didn't. I mean it.
I read my lines. Acting's hard.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 not everyone's co-worker offers them a podcast, Eli. I don't know what to fucking tell you.

Speaker 3 Sometimes the lights company goes out of business and you can't drive for Uber. I don't know.

Speaker 3 Also, I want to point out that during this, like, this series of interviews and everything, that scene where Bible Man, like, descends from on high, like with his Batman cape out, and there's a couple of explosions or whatever.

Speaker 3 They show us that shot like six fucking times during this behind-the-scenes room. They were so proud of it.
Oh, my God. So, yeah.
So, they show that as much.

Speaker 3 They show us Mark Wayne, the guy who played Coates, given his interview about what Coates is all about. And it's so sad.
It's so very, very sad. Coates is also here.

Speaker 3 Although he says something like, Coates brings the technology and also a bit of chaos. And when he says chaos, his eyes got so big and creepy.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I was wondering where he was going to go with that. Like if he's just going to like attack the cameraman or something.
There was a dark fucking moment there. Yes, exactly.

Speaker 3 And also, by the way, we should point out that Willie Ames during one of his interviews here, he actually literally calls the swords lightsabers.

Speaker 3 He's like, well, you know, the thing about the lightsabers is that they represent scripture. And I'm like, you you can't just say the word lightsabers.
Copyright has to mean some fucking thing.

Speaker 1 Let's be real. How many people are making it to the behind-the-scenes portion?

Speaker 3 Well, that's the end. Lucas's people just haven't gotten here yet.

Speaker 1 They cut it off way before this far.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's fair. They make it past the song.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right. No, they're on your side.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 We're the first people, the first secular people that have ever ventured this far in. Yeah.

Speaker 3 The lightsabers represent the word of God and nothing else. Not penises, not famous sci-fi franchise, nothing else, just the word of God.

Speaker 3 How did you not get that? Yeah. And then they say that they're like, you know, they say that bizarre line that Eli was talking about about how they would kill each other if they weren't laughing.

Speaker 3 I don't get that, man. That's...
Yeah, their podcast is about to go on a break.

Speaker 3 It seems so unnecessarily violent.

Speaker 1 It came out of of nowhere. And he's like, if we didn't laugh, we'd kill each other.

Speaker 3 Coates is unable to join us this week.

Speaker 1 It's like a serial killer, like the pre-confession for the serial killer.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Have we checked in on Willie Ames? Jesus.
So, yeah. And then there's this very, like, you know, it's, we laugh a lot on the thing, but we're very serious.

Speaker 3 We all worked very hard to make this happen. And I'm like, man, somehow that was the saddest thing in your episode.

Speaker 3 You've made it worse.

Speaker 3 I'd really love it if you had just been like, We half-assed this thing. I don't know why you're watching.
Having fun, everybody's having fun here.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that would have been Christians will buy whatever. Am I right?

Speaker 3 Honestly, if this had ended with Chi Shing, I would respect Bible Man more than I ever had. Yeah, no kidding.
So, I would have loved to have seen someone just break down in the middle.

Speaker 3 Like, we went from small pyro to bigger pyro and some

Speaker 3 the human spirit cries out to make art come on.

Speaker 3 Michael, tell your mother I love her, pit. And then the episode starts all over again.

Speaker 3 We're really doing the never-ending story over here. Yes, thank you.

Speaker 3 The last one had a sequel and everything. Thank you.
My fellow AO3 reader gets it.

Speaker 3 All right. Well, Cecilia, Reno, that ends the show.

Speaker 3 Hopefully, this isn't the last time we can hang out and chat together. I wanted to thank you so much for suffering through this video and for hanging out with us today.

Speaker 3 Was it all that you hoped it would be? All that and less. All right.
Well, that's all we can ask for.

Speaker 3 And a quick reminder for our listeners that would like to hear more from you, where should they go?

Speaker 1 They should go to Comic Dissection on any of their little podcatchers. We also have a Comic Dissection Patreon,

Speaker 1 and we are on all the social medias. So if you do a Google, you should be able to find us.
Awesome.

Speaker 3 We're just looking at the show notes of any episode.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Providing that Google is a good idea.

Speaker 3 We'll put you in all our show notes,

Speaker 3 please. Yes.
Yes, if you don't mind.

Speaker 3 Okay, thank you. Okay, that makes sense.
Yeah. Yeah, no.
But the episode, the show notes for this episode will have a link to all of that stuff in case you don't want to bother to Google it.

Speaker 3 All right. Well, thank you again so much.

Speaker 3 And that is going to do it for our review of Bible Man the Incredible Force of Joy, but it is not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to fall back into this pit.

Speaker 3 So, Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Speaker 3 All right, Noah. Well, we will be reporting live from Nashville, where we'll be watching Donald James Parker's latest masterpiece, Pickleball Prince.

Speaker 3 Oh, I've been looking forward to/slash/dreading this for a while. So, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 484 to a merciful close.

Speaker 3 Once again, a huge thanks to Cecilia and Rena for helping out today. Be sure to check the show notes for a link to hear more from them on comic dissection.

Speaker 3 And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors who help make the show go.

Speaker 3 If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com/slash GodAwful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

Speaker 3 You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

Speaker 3 And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out the siblings shows, The Scaling Atheist Citation Deed and DD Minus, and the Scaffold Card available wherever podcasts live.

Speaker 3 If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Speaker 3 Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick and Viva Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Speaker 3 Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neil LeBosnick. I'm No Illusions promised to work hard to earn another check next week.

Speaker 3 Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

Speaker 3 Coates never did get his own vehicle and started wearing an eyepatch he swore was really hip to compensate.

Speaker 3 Ludacris went and fucked himself, apparently.

Speaker 3 Bible Man went on to fight the Sultan of schizophrenia and the dame of diabetes till he was arrested for selling ass bleach for autism.

Speaker 3 Cecilia, say Skibbity, Ohio.

Speaker 1 Skibbity, Ohio.

Speaker 3 All right, Morgan, you have no fucking idea what the four of us have been through together over the last year. I tried to betray you right away, Morgan.

Speaker 3 I want you to know I tried to sell you out right away. Sylvia's audio cut out, and then we couldn't figure out why.

Speaker 3 And we tried like 11 different goddamn things together, And then eventually it just started working again out of fucking nowhere. Right as we gave up.

Speaker 3 Right as we had just said, well, I guess we're going to all give up. And Reno and Cecilia just have to share one fucking microphone.
And Morgan will be so pissed at me.

Speaker 3 And then suddenly, it's like, boom, they came back as though you

Speaker 3 Morgan, I want you to know I was ready for them to share a mic right away. Right away.
This would have been a zero second fix. Were I in charge?

Speaker 3 No illusions fought hard for you. Fought hard for the audio quality of this podcast.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 It worked eventually. Well, hopefully.
Hopefully. Let's not count our chickens just yet.
Find out. Yeah.

Speaker 3 All right. Here we go.

Speaker 3 Talk fast.

Speaker 3 I always do, buddy.

Speaker 3 And apologies in advance, Morgan. There will be some lightsaber noises in this one.
Yeah, fucking get ready to put in some work. Yeah.

Speaker 3 The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.

Speaker 3 I know, I'm putting them back. Hey, Dave, here's a tip.
Put scratchers on your list. Oh, scratchers? Good idea.
It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.
Thanks, random singing people.

Speaker 3 So be like Dave this holiday and give the gift of play. Scratchers from the California lottery.
A little play can make your day.

Speaker 3 Please play responsibly. Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.
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