482: David vs. Goliath: Battle of Faith

Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We the man to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We the man to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

When you need a break, skip the scrolling.

Visit myprize.us.

The games are super exciting and you can actually win.

Myprize.us is the most fun, free-to-play social casino around.

Everyone deserves to win big.

All the slots and table games you love with incredible bonuses.

Sign up today for an incredible welcome package.

Myprize.us is a free-to-play social casino.

Users must be 18 or older to play.

Void work prohibited by law.

Visit myprize.us for more details.

When you need a break, make it memorable.

Visit myprize.us.

Real prizes, real winners, real easy.

easy.

But they don't have giant money.

So we get this shot of him, like this forced perspective of a tall guy standing on a chair, but we're only seeing from like the shoulders up, apparently.

Yeah, because like at one point he attacks someone and as he swings his sword, it's very clear that his hip is meant to be this guy's like shoulder.

That's how tall he's meant to be on his box.

But I look the actor up and the actor's like 6'5, which like that's tall, but it's not tall enough to base your entire personality around

God-awful

movie.

Welcome back to the Game Cast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because that's where we're about to get our laws from.

So we should at least know what's coming.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and here's the the first.

Both Eli and Heath are off this week.

Can't imagine why anybody might need a little time off here.

But joining me from one ocean to my right is my good friend and co-host of Skeptics with the K, Michael Marshall.

Marsh, welcome back.

Hey, Noah.

You know, it's not that big an ocean.

It's very commutable.

If you want to like relocate for any reason, you've seen the sites of Liverpool.

I can find you a nice place.

Lovely

little statues of the Beatles and everything.

Yeah.

And also joining us from One Pizza Echelon to New York's Down is my other good friend and co-host of Cognitive Dissonance, Cecil Something Italian.

Cecil, great to have you back, sir.

Hey, thanks for having me.

Marsh, is your couch available?

Or yeah, how much of an offer is that?

Rent's very reasonable.

I'll be very, very kind to you.

So tell us, Cecil, other than the rent on Marsha's couch, what will we be breaking down today?

Today,

we're going to be breaking down the ripped ab pectoral-laden David versus Goliath battle of faith.

This is the gayest retelling of David.

And like, in the story, David's gay.

Like, that's the thing.

David fucks dudes in the story.

And this is gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Marsh, how bad was this movie?

Well, I mean, it's not the worst thing to happen to us this week.

There have been worse things.

But if you're willing to listen to religious propaganda as long as it's delivered by attractive people and like you can't find any mormons nearby to fulfill that need you will love this movie

all right so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at yeah i'm going to go with best worst army on a hill oh my gosh there is a scene towards the end where the the director has an army on the hill and to to achieve that army he didn't hire a lot of extras i think he hired like one graphic designer on fiverr yeah he just put in the prompt i need someone to cgi an army onto this hill and he just accepted the the first response that he got.

And the tiny little drawings, they're stood side by side on the very crest of the hill.

There's no depth to it.

So that they all lined up at the very top of the hill.

They're all evenly spaced apart.

Yeah, they're all moving in sort of like animated unison loops.

Right.

And they're all like on the treetops at a certain point, right?

They're standing along this treetops.

They look like the crowd in like any sort of 90s Mega Drive Genesis football game.

Like they're just like animate in that kind of way.

Yeah, like they're like the crowd and road rash or something along that side.

Hand up, hand down, hand up, hand down.

All right, so I was going to go with best worst cornucopia of best worst nominees.

My God.

So as I'm watching the movie, I'll go back in my notes and I'm like, oh, this will be a good best worst.

I'll add that.

And then, like, I would get a little further in the movie.

I go, actually, no, this is a better one.

Let me go back and put this one.

And like, oh, I did that like seven times.

Best worst sheep, band of brothers, sheep, rock, best worst rock best worst

weak points that never matter best worst foreshadowing i i had choice paralysis for best worsts with this movie it's great a good excellent pick noah thank you but i'm gonna say best worst practice swords they look like someone they look like they went to a wood carver and be like look All we have are these leftover baguettes.

What can you do with these?

They were the the thickest, weirdest practice swords I've ever seen in my entire life.

It seriously looked like they were made by a preschooler, and they're the best prop in this movie.

Yeah, they're great.

They look a bit like someone couldn't find anything that looked like a sword, so they just found some old cricket bats and died them, like staying them with tea to make them look good.

Really did.

Oh, I was so happy that we had you on when I saw how much sword fighting there was to be in this fucking movie.

I was so mad throughout the whole movie if you got got this.

Wait, are you saying Cecil going for the armpit isn't a violent sword fighting technique?

Oh.

You got to tickle him.

Oh, exactly.

It really fits into this movie too.

The tickling really does.

Yeah, doesn't it, though?

It fits deeply into this movie.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you what.

This movie, I'm just going to say it is a fucking delight.

So we're not going to make you wait long for it.

We're going to keep the break brief.

And when we come back, we'll dive into all the perpetual exterior shots that are David and Goliath battle of faith.

Okay, what do you think of this one?

Well, I mean, unless he takes up chess boxing, I don't know what he'd do with it.

No, that's fair.

Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just helping Noah pick out a birth ticket for Eli.

Oh.

But Noah, Eli's birthday is in September.

You missed it by over a month.

No, not...

that birthday actually it's the one before that and and then once i get that taken care of i just have last christmas last birthday and then this Christmas, I guess, now to worry about.

Why are you so far behind?

Because I'm always trying to find the perfect gift, but all the stuff I find online is just the same old junk.

Well, why don't you try Uncommon Goods?

Is that like a code for drugs?

No, no.

Uncommon Goods is an online shopping site where you can find gifts that spark joy, wonder, delight, and that it's exactly what I wanted feeling.

So spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift from Uncommon Goods.

Well, and spark what for last birthday, too, huh?

Yeah, it just doesn't have that in the must reads.

And the best part is that when you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses.

Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches.

So shop now before they sell out this holiday season.

Wow.

Great gifts that I can feel great about.

Even better, with our discount code, you can get 15% off your next gift.

Plus, with every purchase you make with Uncommon Goods, they give back $1

to a nonprofit partner of your choice.

They've donated more than $3 million to date.

Well, I'm sold, Cecil.

Hit me with that discount code.

To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommon goods.com slash awful.

That's uncommongoods.com slash awful for 15% off.

Don't miss out on this limited time offer.

Uncommon goods, we're all out of ordinary.

Sounds great.

So, hey, why are you picking out a gift for Eli instead of Heath for this particular sketch?

Oh, yeah.

No, it had to be implausible that the recipient would actually get into chess boxing.

Makes sense.

Is that a real thing?

I dare you to Google it.

All right, guys, welcome to the first ever Writer's Room meeting for our new biblical epic based on the story of King David.

Oh, really?

King David?

Oh, my God.

I'm so excited.

Really, Chad?

Because you normally hate doing biblical epics.

Oh, yeah, sure.

But, like, that's because we usually we're stuck doing a boring story that's only got two paragraphs of source material, like Noah's Ark or the crucifixion or something.

But David's actually a genuinely complex and interesting character.

And his ark, it genuinely might be the most cinematic in the whole of the Bible.

It's great.

Oh, awesome.

Well, I got to admit, I'm not super familiar with the story.

So tell us, like, what kind of stuff does he do?

Okay, well, he's got one of the Bible's most compelling love stories.

Easily.

Really?

Great.

Who's the love interest?

It's Saul's son, Jonathan.

His

son?

Yeah.

So I don't think that the Christian producers are going to let us do that part.

Oh,

okay.

That's a shame.

Oh, well, he does have other love interests.

That is great to hear.

Like who?

Well, there's Jonathan's dad, soul that is not better turns out okay um well there's bathsheba

is

bathsheba a lady sure is okay great we'll just we'll go with that one then awesome yeah no he spies on her while she's bathing and then he rapes her and then he has her husband killed in like a brutal act of betrayal maybe hey maybe we just leave the love interest stuff out all together oh that's a great idea man that's a great idea yeah man doesn't he fight a giant with his slingshot or something?

Oh, there you go.

I mean, sure, but you know, there's only like two paragraphs of source material on that.

Huh.

What if we filled the rest of the movie with training montages?

Really?

I mean, that's, that'd take, I don't know, like five or six training montages.

Wait, what do we always say here at Gamfodder Productions?

There can never be too many training montages.

There can never never be too many training montages.

Exactly.

Awesome.

Now, who wants a drink?

Yeah, I'll have three.

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up on a production logo that might as well dive-roll into frame.

Right?

Look, it looks like we're about to play a first-person shooter when we've seen this.

It's so cheap.

It's incredible.

From 2001.

Well, right, yeah, exactly.

And it comes up the title card and goes like,

this is actually, despite what the logo would have you believe, this is a Bible movie that we're about to do.

Yeah, it's like a fake story about a fairy tale, but it's totally realistic.

I just want to let you know.

Yeah.

Hyper-realistic.

It says, artistic and historical license has been taken.

But you think?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've elaborated on this story of a thing that never happened.

And I think it also says like a thousand years before Jesus.

Oh, so it's a thousand years before that other thing that never happened.

I'm glad you've set this like firmly into the historical record.

I also want to put a pin in this right away because it says like at the end of the title card, it goes, we encourage viewers to read more about David in 1 Samuel 16 and 17.

And I'm like, yeah, not the stuff after that at all.

You don't have to read the whole damn thing.

Just those chapters will be fine.

Yeah.

We very clearly delineated the chapters we want you to read.

Thank you very much.

Yes.

And then it comes up in the title comes up like David versus Goliath, Battle of Faith.

And it rolls in like a fucking monster truck showdown or something.

A monster truck showdown in papyrus fonts.

Yes, sir.

Like 100% papyrus font.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So the narrator cuts into in his very serious voice and he goes, the people chose Saul as the king, but God was like, oh, fuck all that.

And I'm like, why was God like that?

And they're like, moving on.

God didn't like it anymore.

And I think, isn't the line he says, like, God said, how long would you mourn for him?

Which is a sort of passive-aggressive like question.

It's like when my wife does the, just checking, would you be mad if that old t-shirt of yours got four legs?

Just checking how mad you'd be.

So, but he says that God decided there would be a new king.

So, Samuel went in search of a king that was more to God's liking.

So, we cut to Samuel wandering in the desert.

He is doing a lot of searching right now.

He is.

And he will do it for a very long time.

So I like 1 25th of this movie is Samuel walking in the desert at the beginning of this scene.

Yes.

I did the math.

And the desert as well.

This is the desert that I think about 80% of this whole movie is filmed of.

This is the location for almost every...

It's like in Star Trek, how in the original series, every alien planet was the same one with the cave and a boulder.

Yeah.

It's like that's

this movie.

That's it.

Yeah.

So yeah, and also we have to talk about Samuel's fucking hooded wool sweater.

Oh, it's like a really bobbly woolen fabric as well.

That is not desert-worthy.

Like, the sun is getting all in that.

You're way too hot.

I mean, he and his friends will have a solution to getting way too hot in the desert.

Yeah, which is a good one.

And it won't involve this woolen woolen sweater.

They sure will.

Won't they, though?

They sure will.

Got this grease in my back pocket for y'all.

It's like

lather you up.

So, yeah, so, but he comes to this like outcropping at the top of a mountain, right, where he prays.

And the way he's doing this as well.

So I just got to point out the way he's dressed the way he's doing this through it he could not be more trying to rip off obi-wan kenobodi oh it's totally obi-wanobi i had him in my notes as obi-wan kenobody is what i had in my notes yeah i love it i wanted to i wanted to say like the pharisees are easily startled but there are two matters in greater number

They get to that wrong part of the book of David, and he's like, this is not the book you're looking for.

Yeah, right.

You're not

looking for the gay parts in this book.

So then, so he gets up to this precipice.

He gandalfs the rock with his staff.

He's praying, right?

But it's like God shall not pass or whatever.

Yeah, he does.

The use of his staff.

He uses the staff to try and climb up the rock to get to that point.

And I've never seen anybody use the staff as a walking aid less effectively.

It's like you're trying to use a pole vault as a walking stick the entire time in Melbourne.

He looks like a gondolier ran aground.

That's what he looks like.

So yeah, and then he's like, he's talking to God.

He's like, he slams down his stick.

And by the way, this is the first time we see the kind of CGI we can expect out of this movie, right?

Yeah, the rocks fly up.

Yeah.

And then they're totally like electronic rocks and a little spark for some reason.

You're like, why is there a spark?

I don't even know what happened.

What could spark?

It's a wooden stick.

Yeah.

And did he really have to walk to there to talk to God?

God is meant to be omnipresent.

Like, has he not heard of remote working?

This is 2024.

This is a meeting.

There could have been a Zoom call, is what this is.

In their defense, there is probably bad reception in the desert.

And when he does talk to God, it's a series of lightning flashes.

And I think they just needed to be closer for that thunderbolt connection in order for them to actually.

Because the mountain is closer to heaven, right?

When you're on the mountain, you're way high up and heaven is high up.

Too high.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So yeah.

He goes, who have you chosen, God?

And there's lightning as the response.

And he goes, I will find him and anoint him.

So I want the rest of the movie to be this character walking to different towns going like, hey, have you guys ever heard of a guy named?

I believe his last name is...

He just takes a big piece of vellum like those old guys who did the Foley for lightning and he's just shaking it.

Have you heard of this guy?

God is speaking exclusively in lightning strikes.

That's going to be so inconvenient.

Yes.

Something just got struck by lightning.

Just so I don't need to say one word.

All right.

So the narrator's like, so then he went and he looked for a king.

Meanwhile, there's this dude, David, and he's just a simple shepherd.

Well, he's a very good shepherd.

He's apparently, he's very, very good at being a shepherd.

And I wrote like, yeah, if he's good at managing a shepherding business, presumably he'll do fine as leader.

This is how you end up with the Trump people.

Learn your lessons.

They're not transferable skills.

Now we're sad again.

Damn it, Marsh.

Way to bring it down, Marsh.

No, so okay, but here's the thing, though.

And I love this so much because this is an action movie.

This is trying to be an action movie.

And they're like, like, okay, we have to introduce a shepherd in an action-y way.

So

we do.

So

he comes across the entrails of one of his sheep, and he looks down at him and he's like, I will avenge you, Bobby, right?

And then

he's at those entrails.

He looks up.

He can see some other entrails, and he just follows like a trail of entrails, like a cartoon character.

Yes.

And I want him to, he walks up to a rock, and behind the rock, I really wanted that to be like a box propped up with a stick on a string that you're trying to sort of trap him.

With he's also, there's like big, gigantic patches of blood that are on the ground that clearly go off into the distance, right?

So you can, while he's standing there, these patches go off over into the horizon, like something is like somebody killed like a whole herd of sheep.

They're just a giant line of blood.

And he stands down and touches the blood for some reason.

What are you doing down there?

You could literally just use your eyes to see where it goes.

Yes.

He's like smelling it.

Like, what the fuck is happening?

Yes.

Smells like sheep blood to me.

Must be what I'm looking for.

So then we see the bad guy that took his sheep, which means that we see the first nominee for my best worst, right?

The first thing, best worst sheep.

Oh, yeah.

The sheep.

The sheep is incredible.

My sister had a more realistic looking stuffed sheep when she was a kid.

You won this sheep with the ring toss at the carnival of 100%.

So he sees this bad guy with his sheep and he goes to shoot him with a fucking Dennis Demenis slingshot.

He does.

With falconized rubber and everything.

Yeah, it's amazing.

It's so good.

I got so excited because I was like, oh my God, do they not know what a biblical sling is?

Is he going to kill?

But they do, right?

Eventually, he'll have a regular, like a period accurate slingshot.

So it really feels like they filmed this scene and somebody says to the filmmaker afterwards, like, you know, that's not the kind of slingshot that David used, right?

And he's like, yes, I did know that.

This is for a different purpose.

Sorry, my brother's tactical slingshot.

Thank you very much.

Also, I do want to point out that he's encountered some random bandits.

They are random bandits from Skyrim.

These are Skyrim bad guys, like a random encounter.

Because at one point, they knock him out for a little little bit.

They choke him and he goes all blurry and passes out.

And then they start going through his body.

And I was like, yeah, you're looting the body.

That's smart.

You're going to find like a healing potion and some petty soul gems.

That's what you can imagine.

Yeah, they knock him out with the sleeper hold, but only for a second.

He wakes up and it's time for an action scrap.

God takes so long, too.

It's the longest fight scene.

It's kind of brutal.

Yeah.

At certain points, people are getting twisted around.

My favorite part of the whole thing is, you know, weight classes exist for a reason.

These guys are 12 inches taller than this guy.

They've got 100 pounds on him.

They are throwing this little actor around like a ragdoll, but he's somehow he's really scrappy.

So he's getting the punches in.

But my favorite part of the whole thing is one of the guys goes to stab him and he dodges and the guy stabs his own leg.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, my favorite part of this fight happens at the very fucking beginning because the guy pulls out a knife and immediately David, I shit you not, gets inside his guard and then uses wrist control.

He does wrist control.

It's so good.

I felt like I was cheating on Eli by watching this movie without him.

I literally messaged him.

I'm like, man, you should watch this movie, though.

It's

whether it's for work or not.

That's great.

At one point, one of the bandits pulls out that knife and then uses it as like a bludgeoning weapon to hit him on the head with.

This is why you should play your character right in Skyrim.

You know, you've got, you've picked the wrong character.

You've got the wrong weapon expertise there.

You should obviously plan better.

Come on.

Well, I wrote in my notes: man, if this guy ever learns that knives can slice and stab, he'll be dangerous, right?

They also clearly had a choreographer from like the WWE because there's a lot.

There's a drop kick.

There's a clothesline.

I was surprised I didn't see a steel chair.

But if I would have given him a little longer, they might have grabbed it.

Right, right.

That's on the cutting room floor somewhere.

But ultimately, David, the one guy stabs himself in the leg.

David chokes the other guy out with his staff.

He does.

Caliento.

100%.

I did write the panda guy chokes on David's roll.

Yes.

Yeah, right, right.

So, yeah, this is some of the best getting choked out by an extra I've ever fucking seen.

Oh, yeah.

That dude won an Oscar.

Yeah.

So, but then, so he beats the two guys, and then he cries over his lost stuffed sheep and he carries it away.

And this must, like, he's really upset.

Like, as a shepherd, you've got lots of sheep.

It's bad when you lose a sheep, but like, you've got lots of sheep there's plenty more where the sheep came from so this must have been his favorite sheep like i think it was like the dog in john wick and then the rest of the film is going to be him finding more bandits to kill over these sheep all right all right so then okay so but then the narrator's like meanwhile with saul And okay, this is maybe some of the dumbest filmmaking in the whole movie, right?

Because the narrator comes in and he's like, so Samuel asked David's dad to see all his sons because he was pretty sure one of them was going to be the king.

But then they showed him all the sons except David and none of them was kingly enough.

And I wrote in my notes, Oh, I wonder if they didn't show us this because they couldn't do an indoor shot and make it look period realistic or because they didn't have enough actors to play all of the brothers.

But no,

they did this because they're so bad at filmmaking, they didn't know not to.

Because we're going to see all this happen then.

Yes, right?

We're going to live through this after he narrates it.

Yes.

It's so weird.

It's so bad.

And it is a bit weird that David's dad offered his sons and didn't include one of his sons.

Is this like a Cinderella evil stepmom kind of thing?

Like

the god's glass slipper's only going to fit David?

Right, right.

So, yeah, so we watch David gently stroke a ram.

Sure.

Sure does.

While just staring, because David, he makes it look like the job of a shepherd is to watch the sheep, in that you stand three feet away from the sheep and stare.

And just look at him.

That's the whole thing is the job.

I I can't watch him from over there.

I got to stand right in the middle of this entire herd like the whole time.

So, but then he sees all of his brothers walking by in their very best bed, bath, and beyond blankets.

Oh my God.

So who's the stripey guy?

There's a guy who is in full black and white stripes.

He looks like someone let Betelgeuse be his shepherd.

The stripes, honestly, I'm a Newcastle United fan.

The stripes look exactly like the 2003 Newcastle Holme kids.

It's exactly the kids that he's wearing.

It's amazing.

Oh, there you go.

I expect him to have like Michael Owen number 10 on the back and then to let me down badly.

That's why I thought we were like,

so yeah, so he comes up and he's like, hey guys, why are we all wearing the nice stuff?

And they're like, fuck off.

You can't play any reindeer games.

Oh, kill you.

Oh, shit.

Get lost.

Yes.

The oldest brother comes and he goes, hey, shut up.

I get all the inheritance and you get nothing and we all hate you.

It would have been better if he'd have walked up and knocked the dead sheep out of his hand, like just dumping his books and then like giving him a wedge.

He'd have been amazing.

So, and I'm like, oh, I bet we'll see these brothers get their comeuppance later.

We won't.

We'll never see any of these scary.

Also, one of these dudes, 100%.

I don't know if this is another reference like to the office, but if you've seen the office and you've seen Michael Scott trying to survive in the woods, where he cuts his, his pant legs off and wraps them around his head.

I swear to you, that is what this guy looks like.

He looks like Michael Scott pretending to be Survivor Man for a day in the the woods.

It is amazing.

The outfits on these five brothers are just perfect.

Also, I want to point out to one of my favorite details in their outfits is that one of the guys has his face covered, hoping that you're not going to recognize him later in the fucking movie because he's one of the trainers.

They keep doing that.

I almost had that down at one point because one of the bandits at one point, like that he's just fought and killed.

We never see his face.

His hair is always across his face.

You couldn't, you couldn't, you didn't have another bandit money.

Okay,

right.

So then we cut to him practicing.

And this is, this is where we introduce his more biblically accurate sling.

I was so disappointed when I saw it, but he's practicing with his sling.

He's not very good, but then he prays and he nails it.

Right.

Yeah.

He is the most, and we're going to discuss this throughout, but my God, what an awful monotone actor.

I've never seen someone emote less.

Like everybody else in this movie is kind of over the top and not really good because of it.

He's under the top by a lot, like real a lot.

No, like he speaks in like seven syllable packets, right?

Like just

seven syllable.

And then he just does that over and over again through the whole fucking movie.

It's like an acting modem.

Yeah.

So yeah, so he's practicing with his sling.

And then all of a sudden, Sammy Juan Kenobi shows up and he's like, could you do that in a battle?

And he goes, well, maybe in Act Three.

I don't know.

Who are are you

their outfits are the best because both of them are wearing velcro sandals

the sandals are 100 modern and why do they do this in all these movies like for some reason they always depict people

in like tunics but there's never a hem it's always just like yeah i cut this out of a bed sheet last night and that's all i can that's the best that we can do that is craftsmanship for back then 100 like we didn't discover hems yet yeah you know

we just haven't invented hem technology.

Twofolds, you say.

No, no, no, no.

So, yeah, so he starts telling Samuel how bad his life is with all the fucking inflection of a guy reading a warranty out loud, you know?

You're not wrong.

Hey, at one point, he flubs a line and he just starts over.

And I'm like, oh my God, this movie is less studiously edited than our podcast.

Yes.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

It's amazing.

He complains about how he's not allowed to sleep under his dad's roof roof anymore.

I haven't slept under my dad's roof in years.

And it's like, he's saying that's because he's a shepherd, but it's also because he's 32.

I mean, right, yeah, exactly.

Stop living with your parents.

Come on, get your own place.

Come on.

Yeah.

And at one point, the guy's like, oh, you don't have a woman.

He's like, yeah, but I got my sheep.

I don't know.

He does say that.

Yeah, and Samuel's just like, hey, you know, women will find you more attractive if you have a purpose.

And I'm just like, dude, that's pretty fucking low.

I mean, why do you got to, how do you got to be like that?

And then he's like, bitches bitches love purposes.

Yeah.

Well, he says, he's like, you don't have a girlfriend, do you?

He's like, no, I smell like sheep.

And I'm like, yeah, no, that'll do it.

Yeah, that's going to be a hindrance for sure.

And then I didn't expect him to get into this.

David's like, hey, Samuel, are you the one that fought the Amalekites?

And he goes, fought him.

I genocided him.

Yeah, I wanted him to say the Amalekites.

Now that's a name I haven't heard in life.

Oh,

fuck.

fuck.

So, so yeah, he's like, he takes out his badass genocide and sword to show it off.

This fantasy sword that somebody bought online for like $70.

Oh, this entire movie was an excuse for them to buy that cool sword, though, right?

And that cool armor.

Oh, God, yeah.

And only one copy of it because they do not have a second good sword.

No.

No, so and he's like, hey, you know, tell me about what it was like to massacre and genocide the the Amalekites.

He's like, well, you know, the king was told by God to genocide them all the way.

And the king showed mercy on, you know, their leaders and he took some of their animals and didn't kill the animals.

And so God started to hate him because of that.

God's like, this motherfucker.

And I'm like, oh, wow.

So they're going to just get right into that.

And Samuel's like, so I went and I finished the genocide.

And he's like, wow, how heroic of you.

You must be the movie's hero.

And he's like, actually, you, David, are the movie's hero.

And he's like, how am I a hero?

He's like, because God has chose you as his usurper.

I mean, king.

And we're going to do our best to cut all that gay stuff out of the story.

Am I going to fail?

And we're going to fail.

Right.

Yeah.

Even though we won't introduce King Saul until we're like nine minutes from the end of the fucking movie, we're still going to fail.

Yeah.

So then the fucking narrator comes in and he yada, yada, yadas his way through a bunch of way more interesting sounding stuff.

He's like, there's a war broke out between the Philistines and the Israelites.

And I'm like, oh, I wish, I hope we get to see that.

He's like, nope, nope.

Instead, we're going to spend almost the entire rest of the movie now with David at this weird fucking inefficient basic training.

On the same rocks and sand that we saw his prophet on just earlier.

The same set that we've got for the entire fucking film.

Yeah, amazing.

It's the tiniest, most embarrassing militia you've ever seen in your life.

It's so tiny.

And okay, so we've already talked a little bit about the sandals, but I love this here because, like, so there's like these three shirtless guys who are all going to train David now.

Well, four, because I guess Samuel is going to be shirtless from here on out, too.

But at the very beginning, we see them like running.

Like, he's like chasing one of the shirtless guys.

And neither of these actors has ever run in sandals before.

No, no, that's very true.

And there's a bit of a trick to that.

So, yeah, their arms are doing a lot of work.

They are doing a lot of work.

They look like they're ready to fall down the entire time they're running.

They look like they're leaning way too far forward.

It's kind of amazing.

And it starts getting weird that David is the only non-topless guy in any of these scenes.

I shouldn't start to feel that's weird, but everyone else is so topless, it becomes strange that he's allowed to wear a shirt.

He's keeping his shirt on in the pool.

He absolutely is.

He's Heath and writing.

Which I get it.

These are the guys are really shredded.

I get it.

It's intimidating for sure.

Yeah.

So we should point out that this is the first time that we were, any of us were like, oh, so this is stuff for gay Christians who haven't admitted it to Spanked.

Right?

Yep.

Yep.

Okay.

Yeah, man.

They're all 100%.

As soon as I saw it, it's like, oh, my God, these guys were 100% dehydrated.

Peck machines.

This is for closeted dudes.

Well, just as we were thinking that, Samuel's like, now we practice wrestling.

I'm like, oh, yes, sir.

We do.

Yes,

Fuck yes, we practice wrestling.

He's like, you have to, before you use weapons, you have to learn to fight with your bare

hands.

And I'm like, oh, damn it.

Damn it.

And it's so mad.

Like, one of the guys, the guy who's so like, as they're running here, I wasn't sure that David was chasing this guy or being chased by this guy.

I think it's like a race or something.

The guy he's chasing, the incredibly shredded guy,

he's wearing trousers.

Like David gets a little skirt.

Samuel gets a little skirt.

This guy's in trousers, but he is topless.

His trousers are only held up by the tensile strength of the top of his penis.

Like they are so long

down that you can see that even though this is the Bronze Ages, this guy clearly takes good care of his personal hygiene.

He's completely hairless.

Yeah, absolutely.

Narring himself in the desert every night.

Yeah.

Yeah, you see the bottom of the obliques.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, and now what?

What's up with their pants?

Like, they look like they're from the Road War or something.

They had on like a bunch of tie-on stuff all up and down.

Like, what the fuck was that?

Okay.

So my, my theory is that they had like skirts for all of them the way that David's wearing.

And when these three guys showed up, they were all like, I'm not wearing a fucking skirt.

And they're like, well, we can't afford period realistic pants.

So they just sew some shit, sew all the shit together, and then that'll be pants.

That's fine.

Yeah, just sew some of this fake shape onto my jeans and got

just about COVID.

My other favorite part of this training montage is they're in this area that they're going to be in for the whole movie.

There's like a very very specific rock outcropping that they're sort of around the whole time where they set the cameras on the tripod and left them there overnight.

And you can tell that they're going to fight because they've dumped some soft sand in one tiny little pile.

In a square.

It's a square of soft sand and the rest of it's a totally different color, like 100%.

And the only stuff that they fall on is the really soft shoes.

I saw that and I didn't know why that was because it's so small.

It's such a small square that I thought, is that the ring?

Had they marked out the ring in chalk?

Because that's a really small ring.

But then you want these guys really close together very clearly for whatever you think you're filming.

Well, but no, but that's exactly it because they clearly, they did this for a second and they were like, ow, real sand.

It hurts

when you fall on it.

They're like, shit, that shit is, nobody raked that shit.

That shit hurts.

Yeah, those are just tiny little rocks right there.

Fuck.

So yeah.

And also, if we're going to, because we're going to have this wrestling scene, right, where there's one, one of the three shirtless guys is just gonna knock him out over and over again.

Like if we were gonna have a David doesn't know how to fight yet scene, why open with a proving scene where he kicks the shit out of two guys twice his size?

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

It's it's it's awful, awful storytelling.

It's ridiculous.

Yeah.

Because even in this, we see him like he fights the guy and he gets knocked down and he fights him a second time.

He's doing a bit better, but he gets knocked down and he gets up.

Okay, rule of threes.

He's going to kick his ass this time.

He runs at the guy.

Massive claws line.

Completely takes David out.

David's on Donnie's back, weirdest rule of threes ever, right?

No, like so, clearly, obviously, the way you film this is at the beginning scene, you have him get his ass kicked, right?

You have him like Captain America, right?

He's he's small, but he's scrappy, he keeps fighting back, but he doesn't know what he's doing.

But these idiots don't know how to do anything right, yes, because, like, in that scene, if he loses the fight, that can be like, and the sheep dies.

You've got that rather than find the dead sheep, take out by hand two armed bandits, and then pretend to be untrained yes right yeah two guys bigger than the dudes you're fighting now and that one guy kicks his ass he just starts flipping him around he's like judo throwing him he karate chops him in the back of the neck like just spite karate chops him at one point for no reason it's amazing he gets his ass kicked maybe david needs a dead sheep as motivation oh

it's like when he when he smells sheep blood it takes over and he gets his palate and that's like a spinach yeah

It fits in with that WWE thing.

He starts shaking and then he stands up on one leg.

His walking music comes on.

His walking music.

He stone cold stuns the guy, walks away with the sheep.

All right.

Well, surely David's going to turn it around, but not before the next break.

So we're going to take that.

But we'll be back in a minute with even more David and Goliath.

Hi there.

Welcome to Typical Cell Phone Stall.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I saw an ad for your more something deal and I wanted to sign up for it.

Sure thing.

And did you bring a copy of the ad?

I did.

And did you sign up for a new customer account online?

I did that as well.

And you brought the dew from the first leaves of a virgin yew tree?

I got the vial right here.

And the five stones of Harnath wrested from the dead hands of the Monokai?

Oh, crap.

There are five?

I only brought four.

Ah, hmm.

Has this ever happened to you?

Or at least something functionally functionally indistinguishable?

Then let me tell you about Mint Mobile.

Look, I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks.

It has to be easy.

No hoops, no BS.

So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan, I called him on it, and it turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for $15 a month.

The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold waiting to break up with my old provider.

To get started, go to mintmobile.com slash GAM.

There, you'll see that right now, all three-month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts.

Wow, that sounds like a great deal.

Oh, oh, are we in this partly out as well?

I think so.

So, how do I sign up?

To get this new customer offer and your three-month premious wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash GAM.

That's mintmobile.com/slash GAM.

Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash GAM.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customers on first three-month plan only.

Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on the unlimited plan.

Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply.

See Mint Mobile for details.

Awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to run.

Oh, you're not going to stick around and sign up for Mint Mobile?

Oh, I am, but I'll do it somewhere else.

The Dark Riders of Harnoth have been after me since I distilled the stone.

Since you disturbed the sacred stones, yeah.

I got it.

Good luck.

Now we're going to practice wrestling.

You must use your center of gravity to ground yourself when your opponent grabs you so you can resist being thrown.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

So let me take off my shirt and grab you from behind, David, for a demonstration.

Okay, sir.

Are you sure you don't want to start in like a standoff sparring type of way?

Nope, no foreplay.

I mean,

this isn't freeplay.

We are going to practice a move.

All right.

All right.

So I'm going to climb up here.

All right.

Now that I got a hold of you, David, you are going to wriggle free.

Wriggle?

Yep.

Yep.

You just grind your hips kind of back into me.

Do it slowly.

Oh, okay.

Like this?

Well, yeah, no, it's but slower.

Yeah, there you go.

Now move your hips side to side a bit.

Okay.

Oh,

what is that back there?

What is what is what?

Whatever's like digging into me back there.

Nothing.

There's nothing back there.

It's just me.

I'm here.

Yeah, but it feels firm.

Nope.

It's just me.

Just keep wriggling.

Damn it.

Like a sock full of chilled dough or something.

Focus, David.

I'm sorry.

It's just like an overfull dumpling.

Wriggle, David.

You're not wriggling.

Do it.

Wriggle with purpose.

Okay, okay.

Huh.

Why did you just go slap like that?

Uh,

because you won.

Oh, I did.

Yep.

Great job.

Wow, I'm a real warrior.

Sure are, kid.

I'm going to go take a nap.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Sammy and David out on an iron gathering adventure.

With their iron buckets.

You know, like you do.

You carry your iron buckets into the desert.

And you don't need a lid on the iron buckets.

Once you've got two pieces of iron in there, they'll keep each other in the bucket.

That's how that makes sense.

And then they try to pass off.

My favorite part here is what they try to pass off as iron.

Yes.

The lava rock that they got at Home Depot.

Yes, a giant Home Depot lava rock.

Hey, he goes, This is a rare form of iron meteorite that's going to be really useful to us later in the movie.

And he goes, Oh, okay.

Is it?

No, no, not really.

Never going to factor in in any fucking way, but they're going to spend about, I don't know, a third of the remainder of this movie solving the how do I get this giant rock all the the way back to camp question.

And they, yeah, they do it as a riddle as if he's learning something along the way.

That'll be a lesson that'll come in useful, but also, no, it's not making him stronger, it's not making him smarter.

And any amount of smarts that he has isn't then useful in the fight against Goliath.

It's just a waste of our time.

Hold on.

If at the end of the movie he'd have lifted Goliath up by one end and flipped him over, we'd have been like, yes, there it is.

There's the rock lesson right there.

Well, okay.

So as silly as this movie was, there was a part of me that was like, is he going to load that rock into his sling at the end of this movie?

Oh, that would have been good.

Or at least a piece of that iron.

I thought, because we've we foreshadow a lot of him like picking up a stone and examining the stone and putting it in his little bag.

And I thought, oh, he's picked up the, they called it heaven's iron is what they called this like crashed meteorite.

He's going to use the heavens iron from his back.

And he doesn't.

He doesn't even.

He never uses it.

Never once.

Any thought you have while watching this film instantly is better than what this film chooses to do.

It's a miracle that it's managed to zag its way through all the good ideas and end up

hitting none of them.

You got to zag and zag.

That's the amazing yeah.

So, and then so he's like, yeah, we got to get this giant meteorite back to camp.

And he's like, oh, okay.

He's like, I'll leave you to sort it out.

And just when you're thinking, oh, okay, well, I bet he'll find a clever way to use some ropes and pulleys to do it because he's not the biggest or the strongest, but he's the smartest.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

He'll just drag harder he'll get it a few feet and he'll be like

nope that's all i can do i better get a stronger dude yes

and he is in such a tight leather skirt because i wrote here we are watching a man in a very tight leather skirt bend over to pick up stones and somehow this is the week eli decided to miss yes

what

All of the shirtless pecs and the inside the guard wrist control.

Yeah, it's

I feel so bad for him.

It's crime.

So yeah, so he can't get the rock.

Eventually he goes back and he he tells the rock, too.

Really quickly, the rock weighs about four pounds.

Yeah.

He is miming as hard as he can in these scenes.

He is miming the shit out of lifting something heavy because every time he lets go of it, it just immediately kind of goes

and wobbles.

And you're like, okay, that's nice.

Yeah.

Come on, man.

I'm certain there's a point later where he'll lift one end of the rock.

And I'm certain if you watch that scene back, they've slowed the footage down of him lifting the rock up because he kept lifting it too quickly.

He has to slow the frame of him lifting it.

Yeah, right, right.

No, Cecil says he's trying to say he's acting as hard as he can, but he can't act very hard, right?

He does a terrible job of making us think that this rock is heavy.

But he goes back down and he's like, I couldn't do it.

And he's like, well, at least chop some wood, you fucking loser.

And he gives him the axe from God of War.

Yeah, it's a Viking axe.

It's not even an axe that they would have.

Like, their exes looked a lot.

I was so mad when I saw that X.

I was like, you motherfucker, I will fight you.

Also, he's chopping wood we have not seen and we can see the entirety of the horizon throughout all of these scenes and there is not a tree to be found what so did they bring that tree with them for the miles to get into this desert well we're gonna solve that question a little later in the movie sir but first we have we are that's true we have a moment where we get the three trainer guys they're all giving him shit about his signature sling right the three topless guys that are going to train him they're all like i see you carry a sling around with you a lot isn't that kind of a sissy

kids' toy kind of a thing?

And he's like, Why are they making fun of him when they're holding those practice swords?

There's no way.

You essentially have three dildos that you were just fighting with.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yes.

So, yeah, so he shows off how badass he is with the sling.

And they're all like, yeah, it's kind of a kid's toy, though.

And Samuel's like, but it will come in handy later in the film.

Yeah.

Exactly.

And then, okay, and then we get a little bit of dragging the rock a little bit further.

We're going to go back to that rock so many.

You have no fucking idea how many goddamn measures we're going to go back to that fucking rock for it to not matter.

But now it's time.

And I was so excited to have Cecil on the show for this fucking episode when this happened.

Now it's time for David to learn to sword fight.

I want a 30-minute breakdown of Cecil going frame by frame through the God.

I was yelling the whole time.

I'm like, come on, man.

And like, what I love is this is exactly what people think it is: is everybody fights for a half a second and then they freeze and like, see, look, I've already stabbed you.

Forgetting that people move, they just like stand there.

It's like those idiots that come down at you.

Like, no, you got to stab me over your head and you've got to come straight.

That's the only way I could do that.

Both arms.

Yes.

This is pretty much the whole scene is them just being like, nope, you got to do this.

And then at one point, my favorite part was when like David's getting ready to go back in.

He's like, okay, I just got my ass kicked.

I just lost.

And then he wins one.

And he's all right.

Okay, cool.

I'm going to go back in.

And he kind of showboats a little by doing a little wrist spin with his palladius.

And they're like, fucking, oh my God.

He smacks the thing out of his hand.

He's like, what the fuck are you doing, stupid?

You're about to get killed.

It was amazing.

It was amazing.

It is.

Like, he like properly like, like, kicks off at him for sure, but he's like, stop fucking shoreballing your brick.

Is what he's sort of basically doing something.

And I thought, oh, I really want to hope that pays off.

Like, David's about to fight someone who does this the sword twirly shoreboarding and David kills him.

Does not pay off.

Again, it's impossible not to think of something better than this film.

But at one point during this fight, you've got Samuel saying to David, crossing swords will exhaust you and your weapon.

And I wrote, okay, Mr.

Skyrim Tool.

We're out of the tutorial.

We can understand.

We'll just drink a restore fatigue portion and we'll be fine.

Don't worry about it.

So what I love the most about this is the training method, right?

Because he starts off and he goes, swords are mighty extensions of the human body.

Now fight.

And he's like, do you know what you want to give me any advice?

And he's like, well, I'm going to give you advice.

How should I stand?

I mean, like, that might help.

No, I'm going to yell my advice at you after you fuck up things.

That's his whole thing.

He's like, he'll do something.

He'll be like, no, you don't block with your sword.

You fool.

That's why you have a shield.

And then he'll block with his shield.

No, you don't absorb the shot with your shield.

He's like, well, tell him first, you fucking jackass.

Like, imagine learning to cook like this.

i mean anything anything else so i agree but in samuel's defense i think david could have figured out that you block with the shield and not the sword

okay all right i catch that one was maybe like oh okay we're gonna have to start way more basic than we thought

okay

so

Yeah, okay.

But so they do that sword fighting for a little bit.

And then we get this unintentionally hilarious shot of this muscle bound, one of the muscle bound guys carrying a fucking whole ass tree.

And then David's walking behind him carrying this tiny little bundle of sticks.

His bundle of sticks is so good.

It's excellent.

I like it so much.

It's like if the one guy was carrying the piano and he was carrying the stool, right?

It's just

fucking amazing.

It's so embarrassing.

And Noah's not kidding when he says there's like five sticks wrapped together that he has on his arm.

It is not a lot of sticks either.

And he goes, Hey,

Elie Azar, that big, ridiculously fake-looking scar that's on your face that changes colors and positions as we change scenes.

How did you get that?

And he tells this story that never fucking matters, and El Easar never fucking matters.

And the story is so stupid because, like, he said it's when he was a child.

This is not a 20-year-old scar.

This looks like a fresh scar.

It's meant to be 20 years old.

And he says, well, a soldier once like told me I had to listen.

And he gave me this scar in order to make me listen.

So I slit his throat.

He says, right, but if you were capable of slitting his throat, why did you wait for him to scar you?

Why did you wait for him to cut you first before you killed him?

Why don't you just kill him first?

Oh, man, this isn't going to heal up.

This is still going to be like, this is going to look fresh 20 years from now.

It also took me to this point in the movie, too, because they start at this point spearfighting shirtless.

And it was at this point when I was like, man, Eli is kicking himself from his

movie.

You know, I was like, I fell into line.

It took me a little longer, but it was the shirtless spearfighting that I was like, wow, someone is really going to enjoy this movie.

And it's probably a lot of closeted Christians.

And the thing is, bear in mind, we're working with the spear, quote, the king of all weapons.

Okay, that might have been my absolute favorite line in the movie.

So

when he is, when he introduces the suit, like every training montage starts with Samuel yelling the thing that they're training, right?

He goes, Wrestling.

When there is no weapon, you must, you know, the sword.

It is an extension of you.

And then, so this one turns out, he goes, the spear,

it is the king of weapons.

Objectively, that's not even true.

Then, like, at best, it's the king of when your enemy is like between four and six feet away and not moving too quickly.

Yeah.

And doesn't have a shield that is going to immediately block it and then close the line and crush you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

So, and I fucking, I wanted the rest of this movie to just be more and more obscure weapons that he introduces, like this horseman's pick, you know, or whatever.

And they're just, they just keep fucking going.

And that would have been better, again, than what we, what we get.

We also get this advice, which is fucking amazing, especially since it never comes back.

He goes, people's, the human weak points are, and Cecil, back me up on this,

the throat, the armpit, and the groin.

Yeah.

Any man can be killed when you strike these areas.

The armpit.

Like, he went armpit before heart.

I'd have gone heart in a weak spot.

But there aren't many men in military hospitals with armpit wounds, unless maybe they all died.

It's like that diagram of the plane of where it's been shot and where they have to reinforce the plane.

They never reinforce the armpits.

That's why all those men died.

So it gives that advice.

And then they do their spear fighting.

And I love fight choreography where if like the opponent didn't block that shot, it wouldn't have gone anywhere near you anyway.

So, right.

You're just, you're striking his spear.

They just do that for a long fucking time.

Yeah.

And they're doing a lot of spins.

It felt very Jedi because there was a lot of spins I saw.

Like, it doesn't feel like a good idea, but hey, you do you, David?

There is one point where he nearly gets him in the armpit with the spear.

And I'm not careful.

He nearly got his armpit.

He'd have died instantly.

I also noticed, too, at this point, they're fighting with real spears.

They have baguettes that they're fighting with instead of swords.

Why are you using a real spear?

Just take that giant log you were using and use that instead.

Or a stick.

especially when spears are the king of weapons you give them a fake sword but you let them loose on the king of weapons they're not even using them backwards right they're not even using them like reversed so you could be like yeah i just hit him with the butt end of my stick or whatever but instead they're like nope pointy end in the other guy here we go

i had a thought about the armpit thing it struck me do you think the makers of this movie thought the armpit thing because like in old-timey films people would get stabbed and the sword would go under their arm and then they die like you'd see them side on the sword go under their arm and then they die.

That's all I could think it would be.

In Arrow Flood movies, there's always words.

Yes.

If I'm being serious, I think the reason why it's in there is because he presumes that people, because it doesn't understand like what kind of armor someone would have.

So they're thinking like, well, there'd be like a breastplate.

And you're like, no, there wouldn't.

Like that's not a thing back then.

But that's sort of what they presume.

And that's actually what they put the vinyl bad guy in.

They put him in like a breastplate.

So you're like, yeah, they wouldn't have had something like that.

A A spear would go right through Lamalar armor.

It would just burst right through it.

So there's no, there's no reason to be like, well, I got to really aim for this tiny little spot on the body that I can only hit when he turns.

I could literally hit him right in the front.

Yeah.

He'll be okay.

The fucking missing scale under his armpits.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking, nobody's a dragon back then.

You don't need to aim for the tiniest little part.

So, and then you watch the even bigger guy try to move the giant rock for him.

Right.

Oh, God.

And it's so good because like this really, really big guy lifts it up and says, you see, anyone can carry it.

It's like, you haven't proved that.

You haven't even proved that you can carry it, but you can lift it.

Right.

But just because you can lift it doesn't mean anybody can lift it.

That's not how that works.

Well, so, and they're trying to go for like this, like, you know, mysterious riddle kind of thing or whatever.

But everyone involved in this movie is too stupid to come up with a riddle.

So the guy says, He's like, well, if it's too heavy to carry, then how I get it?

He says, lift it, but do not carry it.

And we all wrote in our notes, you mean fucking roll it?

Do you mean roll it?

And he does.

Yeah, he kind of rolls it wrong, I think.

You know what I mean?

I feel like you would roll it.

It would be a little easier if you turned it the other way and be like, all right, I'm just going to roll it on the smaller side so it rolls because it kind of is a cylinder already and it looks like it would be made to roll.

Instead, he basically flips a giant cylinder the wrong way.

Right, like a shit.

He's fucking six miles back to camp.

Yes.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, like he's in World Strongman competition.

He's got sort of the length of the root and back.

Yeah.

Right, right, exactly.

No, and so, and of course, as he's doing this bit where he's rolling this four-pound decorative stone around,

he's getting worse and worse at pretending it's heavy.

Yeah.

So it seems like it's getting lighter as it goes.

Yeah, he speeds up being able to move it.

He's incredible.

That's why they start slowing down the footage of his window to make it look like it's still heavy.

The montage feels long because it's slowed down.

And there is a rock flipping montage audience.

100% a rock flipping montage where no words are spoken, music swells and a guy flips a four pound rock for about three minutes.

Through the night, yeah, into the darkness falls and he's still flipping.

He wakes up with one arm over it like he's also, why?

Why does he do it through the night?

Because he was asked to move it several days ago and he hasn't done it in those several days.

What's he?

He wasn't given a deadline.

No, just move it a bit and then go and sleep.

Yes, right, right, exactly.

You've got as long long as you apparently fucking need.

So, but no, he rolls it all the way back that night.

And we know this because we

see him passed out with one arm over it like my wife's body pillow.

It's his emotional support rock, is what it is.

Yeah.

But Elie Azar comes out of the tent and he sees him.

Then he's like, hey, let's go for a run.

He's like, oh, I actually, I actually did a rock roll all fucking night.

He's like, doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

We're still running.

Yeah.

Nobody skips leg day, bitches.

Let's go.

Yeah.

This guy woke up and immediately wants to go for a run.

This is why it's just not worth hanging out with hot people.

It's just not worth it.

It is not worth it at all.

That's why I don't hang out with you, Cecil.

That's what it is.

So, but now, I guess now he can keep up with Ellie Azar because, number one, you know, he's been mightified by that rock.

But number two, the camera's up high enough that you can't see they're wearing sneakers.

So that's right.

Yeah.

But yeah, but now he's wrestling and he's stick fighting and he's he's just montaging it up.

Oh my God.

Oh, and he's told at this point he's got to sort of go after the run, he's got to go straight into a fight.

He doesn't even have enough time to brush his teeth from the morning.

He's gone straight into a fight.

But they tell him, to protect the sheep, you must catch the wolf.

And it's like, yeah, spoken like a man who's never heard of fences.

You can't use fences.

That is an option.

There's other ways to do this.

Yeah.

That's how you keep Goliath out.

You build the wall, guys.

Come on.

Now I'm all depressed again.

So, yeah.

And this was the part where I wrote in in my notes.

Hey guys, do you think they're all shirtless to show off how awesome their pecs are?

Or do you think they only had the one old timey looking shirt?

Right.

Because David's been wearing the same one this whole time.

I think those two things are related.

I think they had more old timey shirts and then the actors damaged them in some way.

Oh, I guess we're just going to have to be like all topless and stuff.

This is going to be awful for my real.

Yeah, I think the porn actors they hired did not come with shirts, Nora.

You know, I think that's what happened.

Right.

David's the only straight one there.

And he's going like, wow, I've been much better at you guys at keeping my shirt from ripping.

So weird.

So weird.

Also, they do a fight with a stick at this point.

And I did write down how does Samuel feel about a stick?

It's roughly 90% of the king of weapons after all.

So he's going to be pretty happy with a big stick.

All right.

So, yeah, but some other night, God, I love this scene.

They're all sitting around having a post-montage fire sit or whatever.

And David starts to wax poetic about friendship and camaraderie.

So he says at one point, you guys are closer to me than my own brothers.

But your brothers made you sleep with the sheep.

They fucking hate you, bro.

Yeah, they were bad guys.

It is awkward that he's like opening up around the campfire.

Like I wrote down, men will literally join a Bronze Age militia rather than go to therapy.

It's true.

I belong to a Bronze Age militia.

Oh, yeah.

So, but so, but after he says it, he goes, he does this whole big line.

We have become a band of brothers today.

They're all like, boo, gay.

You're gay.

So I did genuinely laugh out loud.

But he did.

I saw one of them was going to like dump his fucking porridge out on the ground.

It was amazing.

He flinch checks him.

The guy literally flinches and everything.

And then the scene ends.

Now, listener, you're assuming.

That at some point later in the movie, these three guys will be like, you're right, David.

We have become brothers.

No.

I judged you too harshly.

No.

No.

None of that will ever happen.

So

David goes off to harumph a bit about how he doesn't have a band of brothers.

He thought they were friends.

So

he gets a few little iron rocks off of the giant meteor.

Again, to make Mars think, well, certainly they're foreshadowing some goddamn thing here.

He must do.

Must do.

No.

Nope.

But Samuel catches him and he's like, hey, man,

are you dipping out?

And he's like, yeah, that guy Flinch checked me and I feel like I was.

I don't think I fit in very well here.

And he goes, man, you're supposed to be the fucking king of Israel.

And he goes like, I, yeah, I don't know.

And he's like, well, come have a walk and talk with me.

So they go

to make a sword together.

They're going to do a bit of light smelting in a cake.

Yeah.

Samuel's got a blacksmith's apron.

No shirt.

It's not the only shirt.

He's throw a shirt under it.

Yeah, absolutely.

No shirt.

No shirt, but he's got a big, big apron on.

He looks like a Boys Town DJ getting ready to like spin something.

It's amazing.

It is, it is, it is so like genuinely like wink, wink, nudge, nudge at the camera when he walks out with that outfit on.

Yes.

He's got an entire Smithy set up inside of a cave as well.

So it's going to be so hot and so smoky and like unbearably warm inside this cave.

Well, and you figure like that's the kind of thing that, like, you have to think they would have learned while filming this, right?

Because they do have no, they don't have, like, they just have a campfire, no bellows or anything.

It's, you don't need that to get that hot to melt iron.

So, they do that, like, they do the whole thing, and they're like, they're like supposed to be working the iron now and beating a sword out of it.

But clearly, like, they've realized that if they hit this prop too hard, it'll break.

So, they're lightly tapping it with their little hammer.

Yeah, but it's CGI, so it's sparking like crazy.

there's so many sparks and it's lighting shit on fire and it's insanely hot and you're like that is not a it's not even red you guys colored it red in post

also i wanted this to be a really shit sword because he's never made a sword before and i want and we know that samuel's teaching technique is to wait until you fuck up and then say what you did wrong that's so true yeah

Yeah.

A teaching technique he shares with my wife a lot of the time because that is Nicola's favorite.

Nicola's favorite thing.

I think when we were together, no, I think I mentioned that Nicola's favorite thing is the I would have told you so

I didn't but like had I had them had I thought at the time I would have said so yes yeah that's how she gives corrections too yeah it is absolutely so yeah so he makes well we thought he was making a story he's making it like a glaive I guess yeah and you're thinking oh wow I guess he's probably going to use that glaive in some interesting way later on in the nope never was gonna see that fucking thing again I think he gives it to one of the hot torso trio I think that's where that goes it's like a little leave-in even-present.

To one of the strippers, three.

So, okay, so now it's the next day.

David, having not left, I guess, he decided, you know, all that sword-smelting shit like convinced him to stick around.

He's standing around.

He's looking at his glaive all sexually, like he's going to fuck it later.

There's nothing wrong with that, Noah.

What is wrong with you?

I feel like you're being real judgy right now.

And Samuel comes in.

He goes, hey, what's troubling you, chap?

And he goes, well, you know, I'm worried that being a sword-wielding shepherd isn't going to make me good at being a king.

Like, it seems like there are other things we could have focused on for the last few months, you know.

Yeah.

And it's like, he's like, don't worry, you're going to be a great king.

You're going to genocide the fuck out of people, bro.

Don't worry about it.

Well, okay, I love Samuel's backhanded compliment here because he goes, like, you know, God teaches us not to judge a man by his height or his appearance.

And I'm like, dude.

Or his breath or his hair.

Right, yeah, exactly.

or his stupid, ugly fucking nose.

Like, he didn't say he was too short or ugly to be king, right?

It's so good.

It's so good.

Also, for a man, Samuel, for a man who says he doesn't judge guys by their appearance, Samuel's got an unerring knack of surrounding himself with really hot guys.

Yeah, really true.

Just really good-looking fellas convincing anybody here.

Yeah.

So, but yeah, so he starts giving him this fucking basketball halftime speech or whatever about getting back up and trying again.

And as he's doing it, they start flashing back to him failing in the movie earlier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he's like, and then the speech turns into, you know, he's like, come on, man, everybody's a fucking stupid loser without God.

Come on.

God's going to fix it all.

Yeah.

But in these flashbacks, we're supposed to see like all him failing throughout the movie.

And then we're supposed to see him like getting back up and trying again, right?

It's a speech all about perseverance.

But they're so bad at filmmaking that they haven't included enough of like the him getting back up shots to really flesh out that montage.

There's two of them, right?

And like we have to intuit that they're like, you know, etc.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, and the rest of it is just him like hip-throwing his buddies on that tiny little patch of sand for like three straight minutes.

Well, right.

So now he's getting like during the month or the speech, we see like this montage of him getting better with all his weapons and his training.

At one point, he's on top of a mountain swinging around his sling like it was like a poi.

Yes.

Boy, what?

Full of ninja moves.

What good does a fancy swing on your fucking sling do?

That's nothing.

That's nothing.

So yeah, but he gets way better.

And also, there's just a point here where during the sword choreography, the other guy has to keep like presenting parts of himself to David for David to get.

You know, he's like, and my neck.

He just shoves his neck towards him.

But yeah, so, but he does a montage.

He gets better at shit and he gets a halftime speech.

So it looks like this movie's about ready to introduce its plot.

And that must mean that it's the end of the second act?

Okay.

Yes.

I guess that means we're due for a break.

But first, let me give Activity the hard sell.

Will Samuel slowly walk away from something he just blew up?

Will Goliath offer an inopportune monologue about the inevitability of his victory?

Will David be told to turn in his badge and his gun?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the pecu-pecue conclusion of David and Goliath.

Hey, podcast listener, Eli isn't here to write sketches and stuff for us this week, so I thought I'd take a break from our formula and tell you about a sponsor that I genuinely love.

As many of you know, around this time last year, I got a wake-up call that I needed to start taking my health more seriously, but getting fit is intimidating.

There's a ton of bad information out there and gyms are full of gym people.

That's why I chose Fitbod.

Fitbod's an app that creates personalized workout routines for you based on your goals, your fitness level, and your available equipment.

And I don't mean it does that once.

I mean it adjusts to your changing environment, your changing fitness level, and your changing goals.

It's like having a personal trainer that doesn't try to sell you woo.

Plus, it keeps your workouts fresh so you don't get bored, you don't plateau, and you stay challenged.

My favorite part is the data.

See, with Fitbot, it's easy to track your achievements and learn new exercises.

They have like hundreds of video demonstrations so you can make sure that you're doing things right right away.

And with Fitbot's progress tracking charts, weekly reports, and sharing cards, you can keep track of your achievements achievements and share them with your friends and family.

Lock in and stay focused.

Join Fitbod today and get your personalized workout plan.

Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me/slash/gam.

That's f-i-t-b-od-d.m-e slash gam.

It is I, David, the king's champion.

I've come to face Goliath and remove this scourge from our lands.

Oh,

huh.

Is that all?

What do you mean, is that all?

Well,

I mean, I'm risking my life and limb on here on your behalf to fight a giant who ravages our lands and slaughters our kin.

And I'm not even rocking armor here.

So I thought maybe there'd be a little bit of, I don't know, like a bit of a hurrah or something at least.

Meh.

Meh, really?

A meh?

Well, hell, I mean, to be honest, we got to thinking about it.

And like, Goliath, maybe he isn't that bad.

What are you talking about?

He stalks us in the night.

He kills our women when they go out to fetch water?

Yeah, but inflation's been really low since he got here.

And energy prices.

Energy prices as well.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, but look, he's a vicious, murderous, dangerous...

bitter diabolical yeah murderous bitter diabolical yeah and i know i agree but like we don't really know that much about you do we Look, energy prices and inflation are moved by global economic forces.

They aren't really affected by which giant is ravaging our lands right now.

Plus, plus illegal immigration's down since he's been here.

Well, you've only got a seven-foot giant at the border screaming about how he's going to rip everybody's head off.

So

I suppose that'll dissuade immigration, maybe?

You see, that's what I like about him.

He's a straight talker.

Straight talker, yeah.

Like when he told my sister he's going to rip her in half, he did it.

Keeps his word.

Yep.

Honest.

Well, the king told me to kill him, so that's what I'm going to do.

Step aside.

Get out of the way.

Well,

he's a better short-not kid in Pennsylvania, at least.

Jesus Christ.

And we're back for yet still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with the VO going, like, oh, fuck, Goliath.

Jesus Christ, I almost forgot.

We got a lot to make up for here.

Let me just sit down, relax for a minute.

I got to tell you a story.

We've been doing, okay, we've been doing five training montages, and this movie, the runtime on this, is like an hour and 15 minutes.

Any remotely competent filmmaker would have been introducing Goliath already and telling his story along a parallel fucking track.

But no,

he just shows up in this instance and he's going to show up mid-action sequence, right?

So this is such a dumb scene.

It took where when he showed up, I genuinely had forgotten that that was meant to be the stakes.

I was like, oh, yeah,

oh, yeah, yeah, there's a giant, yeah.

So we're going to meet a squad of Israeli soldiers and they've been sent out to ambush Goliath as he comes through.

Right.

And this is hard as well because they are meant to be the ones we have sympathy for.

And it's really hard to have sympathy for Israeli soldiers now.

Yeah, no kidding.

So, yeah.

And he's like and to give you just yet another idea of what quality filmmaking we're dealing with at this point like the sergeant or whatever the guy in church he goes get ready for blatle men and they just keep that

they kept that take

so yeah they're all in their spirit halloween outfits too because it clearly is wearing plastic armor i mean come on man it's so obvious but they are carrying the king of weapons

so yeah and so we do this very very long scene where Goliath is like sneaking around like Batman, taking them out one at a time.

Oh, God, yeah, and it's in the jungle as well.

So, I thought it was more like Ramble, and I really wanted Goliath, just be like a vet from the Amalekite War, but for discrimination, PTSD.

So, yeah, but like, I don't feel like lurking in the woods like that is really Goliath's style, is it?

He's not much of a sneaker.

He doesn't feel like he's going to really creep up on you.

Yeah.

I mean, that's what what you want to when you've got an eight-foot giant that's how you want to deploy them

because he's an eight-foot giant ninja yeah

right and like okay i you not three different times during this long scene we do the whole twig snap everybody look around thing yeah we do that over and over again

yeah twig snap and a blue filter you know you're in this movie right right and then and what we do is like one guy will be walking around and it'll be like i don't see him ah and then we we switch to another guy.

I also don't see him.

You know, we do that like seven fucking times.

There's nothing for him to hide behind because it's a sparse forest.

It's like, it's like tiny little trees.

You literally cannot hide behind any of these trees.

And they're always spinning their head around like they're in some bad horror movie, constantly wheeling, looking for him.

And I'm like, there's no way he could sneak up because yes.

He's nine foot tall and there's nothing he can hide behind.

You say that, but he does manage it.

Because at one point, there's a guy trying to sort of like move between the trees but as you point out it's such a sparse forest that he has to like do the twinkle toe sneak and it's so far between the trees that he makes it all

the way over to the tree and would you know it it's the very tree the lines was hiding behind the whole time he stabs him from the other side of it yeah it's just

there's two high keys on the piano going back and forth as he runs yeah I just, I love, so there's guy two and guy seven or fucking whatever are walking through and he's like, oh, we saw the signs of him.

We should go back and tell everybody else like they told us to.

And Guy Seven is like, Leroy Jenkins.

He's like, Cube runs in.

I am the king of weapons in my hand.

Yes, Russ, obviously.

I'm going to get him in the groin armpit or throat.

So that guy gets, Goliath gets that guy and I pushes him to death, I guess.

Yeah, he totally.

Game of Thrones kills him.

Right.

He eye pushes him in, yeah.

We should point out, too, that up to this point, at least, they're treating Goliath like the shark in jaws, right?

We don't see, we see like an arm or whatever.

We haven't seen him yet.

But then guy one, three, four, eight, nine, and eleven charge in, right?

And they actually all fight him together.

Now, at this point.

Yeah, what do you mean by together, Mill?

Okay, yeah, but one at a time.

And they all fight him one at a time very quickly.

Is that what you mean?

Yeah, I do mean one at a time.

But they don't have.

giant money, right?

And they didn't do like, which the biblically accurate thing is the guy's like six foot eight or whatever, right?

They didn't do that either.

They want to have it both ways.

So we get this shot of him, like this forced perspective of a tall guy standing on a chair, but we're only seeing from like the shoulders up, looking down.

So he's supposed to be like nine feet, but no broader than me.

Apparently.

Yeah, because like at one point he attacks someone and as he swings his sword, it's very clear that his hip is meant to be this guy's like shoulder.

That's how tall he's meant to be on his box.

But I look the actor up and the actor's like six five, which like, that's tall, but it's not tall enough to base your entire personality around.

Yeah, so Goliath at one point picks one guy up and just snaps his neck with one hand.

And I'm like, oh, nice, nice, well done.

And the last guy who's left decides to rush him, which is such a stupid idea because if he stands still, Goliath can't take his box or his chair with him.

Oh, yeah.

He's got to get down off the chair and come after you.

He's got to carefully lift it up, walk a few steps, and then stand on it.

Yeah, right.

Or like hold the back of the chair and sort of like scooch yourself forwards when you start hopping into the chair.

I will say the way that dude dies, though, he gets fucking thrown real hard into that tree.

Oh, he backhands him.

Yeah, man.

He gets backhanded and then he flies through the air.

And the stunt guy kind of doesn't really know how to throw himself into a tree.

And he does it with way too much force and way too much energy.

And he fucking clotheslines himself backwards on that tree.

But he's not quite dead, right?

So Goliath walks up to him and the fucking Jurassic park stomp sounds echo through the forest as he does.

Give me a fucking break.

And then the guy stands there very nicely while he stops, chops his head off.

He waits for him, you know.

Yeah, he's like, well, I know you can't move your box again.

You can get back up on the stool.

Go ahead.

That's cool.

So, but then the voiceover cuts in and he's like, anyway, though, but so in the next scene, there's like a fight club to beat Goliath, but everybody's too scared to do it.

right and this is where we get marsh's best worst oh it's beautiful so we have the horizon we've got the scenery around we have several hills that overlap to form like a pathway up on up to the very top of the mountain and all along the pathway like they are the guardrails to stop you falling over are these cgi armies all the way along and they're perfectly placed perfectly spaced out at every point and then when the path turns around they go along with it oh it's beautiful and they're all just moving moving in sort of like syncopated unison like the third and the fourth and the seventh and the eighth movement

okay prime numbers you move right and they look just as natural as donald trump's tan up there yeah

so but we see him like you know will any of you come face me and they're like no we're all cgi and he's like god damn it you cowards

So meanwhile, okay, so now we're going to try to introduce like 37 pieces of David lore in the next 18 seconds of hubby, right?

We cut to David.

He's now Saul's sword bearer.

We know that because he comes in and he goes, your sword, my king.

Because that's what a sword bearer does.

Yeah, I had no idea what's got to this point.

Thanks.

I was, you know, I was going to have a long day of drinking wine and I really needed my sword back.

So thank you.

I appreciate you bringing it to me.

What the fuck, dude?

Isn't there a servant at some point as well?

Or there's a servant who's seen David fight and thinks he's an amazing fighter?

Yeah.

It's like, but David's only been a fighter for a week and literally only four men know about it and three of them are toppless.

Yeah.

And we know the entire circle of people who know he can fight.

Right, right.

So, and also, by the way, like earlier in the movie, they say, and then Samuel anointed David as king.

So if you don't know the story already, you assume that David's been king this whole time.

And now suddenly he's talking to Saul and going, my king, your sword.

Right.

Again, you have to know the fucking story.

They are not going to help you out with it.

No, they did send you back to read it.

I just want to point out that.

No, that's true.

They gave me the chapter and verse.

They literally gave me chapter and verse.

So maybe that's why they added that at the start in polls because they watched the entire film.

They're like, oh, we have not done a good job of telling this story.

You guys have got some platforms.

There is so much content.

We need to tell them to do the reading first, otherwise, it's going to be lost.

Is there any way we could footnote our entire movie, perhaps?

Yeah.

So, but then the king's like, oh, David, you sing such wonderful songs.

And we're like,

does he?

No, we've no idea.

We've never seen that.

We did not know that David was a song guy.

And it'd be easy for him to just do that at some point in the film while we're watching him.

And he would have established that.

Sure would.

I would contend this actor, absolutely not, because he sounds like a monotone person.

So there's no way he's a singer.

So he's like, why don't you sing me?

He's like, in fact.

Fuck that.

Do not sing.

It's going to sound terrible.

Just tell me what you said.

Just tele Savalis that song.

Give me the Tele Savalis version of it.

Yeah.

It's fucking amazing because he's like, Would you like me to sing?

And they have to come up with eight excuses.

He's like, No, you don't have your fucking liar or whatever.

So I guess he couldn't sing.

Oh, no, I couldn't sing.

That would be ridiculous.

He's like, but tell me the words anyway.

Because apparently this writer had this little poem that he had written, and he very much liked the poem and he wanted to fit it into the movie.

And he'd written it to the As I Lay Me Down to Sleep meter, which is really lovely.

It really is.

He rhymes war with quarrel.

Yeah.

Like Eli trying to make one of his puns work.

These people just pause and say, that works.

And we should point out that the actor playing Saul has decided to give Saul an accent that is equal parts British nobleman and southern gentleman.

David's been sort of wavering between those two the whole time.

But he's like, oh, you know, I'm really bummed out because Goliath is going to kill my whole kingdom.

And David's like, well, actually,

he's just standing there yelling that nobody's brave enough to fight.

He's not doing anything.

He's just, he's just, we're all too chicken.

He's like, yeah, but we look like a bunch of chicken shits.

And David's like, all right, well, then I'll fight Goliath.

And Saul's like, oh, we should also introduce the daughter here, right?

This is the first woman that we've seen in the whole fucking movie.

So we should probably mention her.

55 minutes into this hour and 15 movie, we got the first woman.

And I did write, I think they're going to struggle to pass the Bechdel test.

And Denny's,

it's not the same thing.

She has a line because he says, Michelle, and she says, Yes, father.

And he says, Leave us.

And she's gone.

Okay, that's

pretty much it.

Well, and then, and we're like, wow, she just seemed like a bit of a trophy standing over there.

And he's like, she's the trophy for whoever beats Goliath.

Here's the raffle ticket for you later on.

For my daughter's vagina.

But he's like, but I'll kill Goliath and then i'll marry your daughter and saul's like

come on yeah no no

yeah and he goes no no god will be my co-pilot he's like oh god i'll be my co-pilot well in that case he's like let me at least give you my armor and and david's like no

god is my armor

And he leaves.

And then the king's doing the drunk, like your dad's drunk, but he's still calling you as you're walking out the door.

Get back here and listen to me you little shit i'm gonna tell you

where that can i go

the king just by himself says wine always wine which is weird then he says give beer to the one who's dying wine to the depressed and i wrote tea for the tillerman steaks for his son

So David goes outside, and I guess he's going to go through the stones in the courtyard and picked out the best slinging ones.

Right.

Yeah.

And again,

I said, hey, like, surely use the iron stones from earlier.

You know, the heavens iron, the magic stones you were literally picking up earlier.

Yeah.

I assume that's what you're going to do.

No, he doesn't fucking use them.

Even though he will shoot him with it with what turns out to be a magic stone, apparently.

Yeah.

It isn't the magic one from heaven.

He put that one in his pouch too from earlier.

We watched him do it.

It's so fucking dumb.

But now he's looking for different rocks.

And Michelle, the daughter, walks up to him.

And she says, yes, I am the love interest.

We don't get as far as Bathsheba in this movie.

He goes, oh, okay, cool.

You also speak in seven syllable packets.

So I guess we're made for each other.

And she goes, hey, just between you and I, are you going to go fight the giant just to fuck me?

And he's like, I cannot tell which answer would be more insulting.

Which one's worse?

Yeah, right.

I did whatever one you like better.

Yeah, right, right.

How's that?

Do you want me to have done it to have said

so but he goes if you have faith in the lord have faith in me and i'm like are you saying you're god because otherwise what what are you saying yeah what would that mean what else could it mean and then he leaves and the camera just lingers on her for a long time like the actor's like are you gonna take your shirt off no okay yeah it's a much too emotional scene for two people that we so far have little indication even know each other because the movie has not established that right well so and that's just the thing right like the relationship between Saul and David is probably the most interesting relationship in the entire goddamn Bible, but it's they're gay lobbers in the Bible as well, or at least that's heavily implied.

So, they can't actually introduce that in any way.

So, like, this is it.

That is the entire interaction between Saul and David that we're going to get for the entire fucking movie

because we're going to go from there to the main fight.

He goes right from there to Goliath and he squeaks, he goes, Goliath, come here.

He He totally does.

And then Goliath sends his toady after him.

Right.

You can't, you can't let your fucking caddy fight for you.

That's not sane.

Today seriously comes up to Goliath's waist.

It's the best.

And he just kind of runs off.

Like, I'll get him, Goliath.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of him for you.

And he's, he's shorter than the hero of the movie.

Yes.

But also, like, he only looks that short when he stood next to Goliath because they've, they've had to put Goliath on a mound.

And then as he stood behind him, you can see him.

He's like, he's leaning with one leg bent to lower himself.

Totally forced perspective.

Yeah.

So, but yeah, so the toady goes out to, well, when Goliath first sees him, he goes, like, oh, you're tiny and shit.

You're not worth my time.

And David goes, oh, are you chicken?

But he marty McFlies him.

Yeah, he marty McFlies, the motherfucker.

He totally does.

And Goliath's like, oh, I'm not chicken.

I'm not chicken.

And then his catty's like, I'll get him.

And he's like, oh, yeah, go, go get him.

But David makes quick work of the cat.

He gets him right in the throat.

Yeah, staff Staff to the neck.

One of the vulnerabilizers.

He hits him with the 90% of the king of weapons.

It was just a stick.

Yep.

And he hits him.

And then the guy clearly had a chocolate bar in his mouth because he lets up whatever that was supposed to be that he hit.

Yes, he gets him in the neck and he just spits up brown blood.

It's like brown.

I don't know what it was, but the guy's like, and then just falls over dead.

Chocolate syrup, yeah.

And they do, like, because like he keeps like, he beats up the toady and then the toady gets up and he beats him up again and the toady gets up.

And they do that like

three or four times too many to the point where you're just like, David, you're being mean, man.

Just

kill this guy or let him go.

But like, come on, stop talking with your thing.

Exactly.

I was expecting him to hold his head with his hand at a certain point.

The guy just spinning his arms, trying to swing at him.

And then when he kills him, David puts down his big stick, the 90% of king of weapon, and he picks up the toady's like sword and shield.

It's like, but what about the sword that you made?

We wanted to make a sword.

It was all for nothing.

If you wanted a sword, you made a sword.

Oh, and the king tried to give you one and you refused to take it.

And now you're using a sword anyway.

Yeah.

So then we get some biblical shit talk, right?

And then we get the fight that the whole goddamn movie has been leading up to.

And it is the most boring goddamn fight you can imagine.

Why would you make a David and Goliath movie if you didn't have anything like any ideas of what to do in a fight between David and Goliath

and even without the sling David was going to win that fight like David was ducking moving slicing at him he had cut him forward at eight times at that point yeah he was gonna win that fight like come on he didn't need the sling he was gonna he kept like ducking under him and he kept like stabbing him in the in the leg with his little sword until bits of goliath's armor kept falling off like his helmet falls off after he gets stabbed in the leg like in the boss and it was just it was a classic boss fight of that you're gonna beat up on the weak points until the armor starts falling away to expose the vulnerable spots you'll kill him with.

He's dropping inventory the whole time.

There's like corn on the ground.

Yeah, like a whole chicken roast got in his hand.

David's health gets replenished.

Well, but also, so, and that kind of gets to the biggest problem in this whole fucking movie because the whole point of David and Goliath as a story is that David was just this teenage kid that didn't have any experience fighting or anything.

He just had bravery and faith in God.

Right.

They've spent this whole movie being like, well, also sword training and he had tactical spear training, the king of weapons.

He also knew how to wrestle.

He could lift a big-ass rock.

So, like, what's the point of the story that?

Right?

Just that little guys can also be good fighters?

Yeah, they can also fight as well.

At no point did we see him use the faith of God, really.

Oh, actually, no.

He does.

Right at the very end, he turns off the tracking computer and uses the fight.

Oh, well, he does.

He does.

Yeah.

He does.

He hits that wamp rat right between the eyes.

He does.

He does.

So, but I have to ask Cecil about the technique here because there's one point where they're sword fighting and uh

david grabs the end of the like blade end of his sword and starts using it two-handed like that is that a recommended sword technique

i don't think so i don't think so also it was clearly a one-handed sword oh yeah like it's clearly like what are you doing well you can't even hold it down there he's holding it by like that pobble at a certain point yeah so and okay at one point during the fight during the sword fight goliath backhand smacks him i'm like why didn't you use the hand with the sword sword in it?

You just said

that could have ended this quickly.

You know, you would have chopped him off from the jaw up or something if you did.

Yeah.

But no, but David gets knocked down.

And then this is where he realizes he's got to flash back to the entire rest of the movie.

Oh my God.

How much of this movie did they re-show us in that minute?

It's like three minutes of them re-showing the movie.

Like, I just watched all this.

Stop it.

It's only an hour and 15 minutes long.

Well, and this isn't even the first time that they've done the flashing back to earlier in the movie.

I expected them to flash back to the earlier flashback.

Yes.

Right?

Flashback to David flashing back.

Yeah.

And just get lost, fall into their own asshole or something.

Yeah.

So, but this is where he realizes he needs to use his signature sling.

So he picks up a rock from the ground.

Just a random rock.

Just a random rock.

Not one of Chekhov's pebbles come back at any point in this.

So fucking dumb.

And they do this dramatic slow motion sling spinning.

And I'm like, that's not really a thing.

You can't make that look dramatic.

But also, like, as he's doing this, we cut to how far away Goliath is, and he's like 50 yards away.

It's like you were close enough to knock him on the ground.

Then, while he was having this dramatic flashback, you slowly backed away to a respectable distance.

What was it?

A touchback?

Like, what the fuck happened, man?

Yeah, so he spins this thing.

The crowd's cheering for him, right?

We see the crowd in the background.

They're, you know, one, five, seven, eleven, and 13

raising their arms together.

Yeah, they're doing the wave perfectly.

Yeah, yeah, right, right.

And then he throws his rock and it turns into a goddamn meteor, right?

It glows and

a flame rips off the back of it.

Yeah, it's practically a Hadouken is what he's done.

Exactly, yeah.

And Galaxy,

you win.

Throwing people's cheap, man.

That's fucking cheap.

Finish him.

Yeah.

And I know, I know, wrong game, but he gets the glowing rock well david does he does do a finishing move he does he does do a finishing move he gets the glowing rock to the head he stands there staggered like in mortal combat he falls down david comes and chops off his head 100 chops off his head it's like come on david do the heroic thing and defile that corpse

And then he goes to lift the head, but because they're like they didn't have the budget to get a good looking head, it all turns black and white and silhouetted just as he does.

Perfectly done.

They spent all the budget on the fake sheep.

They couldn't get a fake sheep as well.

No way we can get it.

And that's it.

The voiceover comes up and it's like, that's the end of the story.

Trust us.

Don't read on from there.

No gay fucking at all.

At all.

In this story.

Nope.

So, okay.

So that's the end of the movie.

And I have to ask, though, Cecil Marsh.

Because you guys have both done a bunch of these movies with us before.

Where does this rank in terms of enjoyability when it comes to gam movies that you have watched in the past?

I enjoyed the shit out of watching this movie because it's literally just bad montages the entire time, and I didn't have to pay a lot of attention to it.

That's the thing.

I think I enjoyed this about probably as much as anyone that I've ever seen.

And I think it's because there's also so little dialogue that I didn't really have to engage my brain.

And there was never a fight.

It was like, oh, I've got to go and look up who that person is because I know they're nobody.

I did.

I tried that a couple of times.

It went nowhere.

Turns out the guy playing David was more famous as a stuntman.

That didn't come through in this film.

They didn't do any other acting.

So yeah, I think I enjoyed this a lot.

I was very much sort of switched the brain off, which I think we all needed.

Yeah, that's what we were going for.

Yeah.

So that's going to do it for our review of David versus Goliath Battle of Faith.

But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do all this shit again next week.

Unfortunately, Eli's not here to tell us what's on deck and he didn't leave it in the docks.

So we're going to just, I guess you're going to have to check with us on social media to find out.

So with something to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 482 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Cecil and Marsh for helping out today.

Be sure to check out the show notes for links to their other stuff and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash Godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scaling Atheist, Citation Dead, and Dnd D Minus and The Skepticrat, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can give a godawful movies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick with Vivaldo's on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For Heath Enright, Neil Bosnick, I've no lessons, promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

The three topless warriors eventually met their match in the shape of a torso-wide melanoma.

Slip, slop, slap, kids.

Cover it.

Bathsheba went on to wish that fight had gone the other way.

David and his new new wife formed a thrupple with that giant stone he had to fling with all his years ago.

At least that would make sense.

At least there'd be some reason kind of rock with me in the fucking movie.

Into chess boxing.

Makes sense.

Is that a real thing?

I dare you to Google it.

I have, and it's awesome.

It's awesome, isn't it?

What a great idea for a sport.

Oh, it's so great.

You get to play one game at your full capacity, and then you never play at full capacity again.

Yeah, that's cool.

We weren't going to do three gay guys working out together.

Right.

Well, so honestly, I had this whole sketch that I wanted to write about like channeling your rage over the election into getting fit.

And I had all these jokes about how, like, did you know when you do a push-up, you're technically pushing America away from you every time you do it?

No, you're jumping jacks.

You're jumping on its fucking face.

You know, but I was just like, Fitbot's not going to not gonna want that.

You're not gonna enjoy that one.

Yeah.

And it's a make good waiting to happen.

So I just went with this instead.

Maybe it's that the seconds are speeding up for me.

So the Trump presidency will be over quicker.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's mechanism.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Right, right.

My fucking frame rate sped up or whatever.

Slowed down, I guess.

Yeah.

All right.

Interstitial two.

No, wait, not interstitial two.

Segment two, three.

Whatever.

Doesn't fucking matter.

Morgan knows where we're at.

The next bit.

Yep, the next bit, chronologically.

All right.

Marsha didn't hear your four, but I think I just, I think it just cut out for a second.

Yeah, I can see the little

wobble from it.

It's definitely, though.

Take my word for it.

I mean, I believe you.

i'm usually working with

well i i work with eli though right so he will i'll be like eli did did you say four you'll be like yes and i'm like did you really say four

and i'm like why did you not just

so all right

the proceeding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2024 all rights reserved When you need a break, skip the scrolling.

Visit myfrize.us.

The games are super exciting and you can actually win.

MyPrize.us is the most fun, free-to-play social casino around.

Everyone deserves to win big.

All the slots and table games you love with incredible bonuses.

Sign up today for an incredible welcome package.

Myprize.us is a-to-play social casino.

Users must be 18 or older to play.

Void work prohibited by law.

Visit myprize.us for more details.

When you need a break, make it memorable.

Visit myprize.us.

Real prizes, real winners, real easy.

Arkansas is for explorers, seekers, and trailblazers.

So come hike a trail, get on a bike, hop in a kayak, or just pack a bag and see where the road takes you in the natural state.

Plan your adventure at Arkansas.com.

Looking for an exceptional driving experience?

Find it behind the wheel of a Mercedes-Benz SUV.

Experience the power, precision, and intelligence of an iconic Mercedes-Benz SUV at your local Mercedes-Benz dealer today.