478: Dolls

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Do you mind not interrupting me?

And she's like, I think the house is going to fall down.

And he's like, okay, well, why don't we talk about it?

Can we talk about it later?

How dare you?

How dare you?

How much flood insurance do we have?

We have lice.

We get a guy to come and lift the basement and then probably not kill himself, but like fix the safety.

Go through about, yeah, no, go ahead.

Go through about like 10 more of my anxieties.

Go right ahead.

Go right ahead.

I think, yeah, she's like, oh yeah, every time I leave a party and I'm having a fun time, I just think of what a fucking fool I've been the entire time.

He's doing it in the middle of the day.

I've shaken Lexa Pro.

God-awful

movie.

Movie.

Movie.

Movie.

Welcome back.

to God-Awful Movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

I'm your host, Ethan Wright, and I'm joined joined by the Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how's it going, buddy?

Pretty good, Eth.

Hope you don't mind that I brought the old ball and Jade to this week's episode.

This is a fun dynamic from the top.

Wow.

That's my energy the whole fucking show, everybody.

Buck away.

Man hard, New Jersey husband.

This guy making you uncomfortable in a jiffy loop waiting room is what I'm bringing.

You know, I remember when we first started this show, Noah was like, hey, man.

So like statistically, you got to remember that like seven people, it's their first time listening to the show.

Hey, do you mind if I introduce Anna before you explain this?

No, this is, they know.

This is no one's first episode.

Here's the thing.

No one heard that first thing if they don't already know our show and is still listening.

Zero people.

Okay, go on.

Sorry, Jiffy Luke guy.

Yeah, no, go afar.

That's it.

No, I've already,

what I was saying is those seven people all turned off the podcast this week.

They didn't.

This one comes from the gut.

This one's just for him.

Okay.

Well, as I was saying when I got interrupted and mansplained to, we also have the

Anna Bosnik.

Anna, welcome back.

Oh, sup, everybody.

Apparently my husband has decided to go the like, I don't know, king of queens sort of vibe.

Yeah.

You know what it is?

She's been watching Kevin confid himself in the other room.

Interesting.

And I think he's been really learning the wrong lesson from it.

I'm coming away that Kevin's a great guy and he makes cool choices.

Okay, we did that with Archie Bunker for a long time in America.

Right?

And that worked out great.

That generation turned out awesome, right?

Yeah.

Let's get right into it, Anna.

Oh, boy.

What are we going to be breaking down today?

We watched dolls.

It's the story of an elderly couple who have solved the prison system, I think.

Sure have.

They came up with like the perfect way to rehabilitate domestic abusers and like, I guess, troubled youths or whatever, or I don't know.

Got it in one.

Kind of, kind of.

I mean, it's also not great.

Like, there's some problems, obviously, but like, it's way better than the current system we got.

So.

Okay.

Hot take.

I loved this film.

Interesting.

I also love this film.

I thought it was an excellent film.

It was, it was good.

Guys, this film was good.

This film was, you know how pickles are zero calories?

This movie is zero movie.

Interesting.

All right.

Well, you can.

I think pickles are zero calories.

Pickles are zero calories.

They're not, but effectively, sometimes some foods like are a net negative.

Do you see the guns in my head on the side call right now?

All right.

Do you see?

If you chew your pickle, what, like 1,000 times before you swallow it, sure.

Okay, so when I say this is, hey guys, I'm sorry I'm going to miss the rest of the podcast.

I'm furiously googling are pickles zero calories.

They're not zero calories.

It's food.

Okay, whatever.

Anyway, here's what I mean when I say I very much enjoyed this film.

Yeah.

I think it's not a great movie in the typical movie ways, but

it's important as a film culturally.

And we'll explain why as we go.

Important.

But on the flip side of this fight between me and Anna versus Eli, Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you like creepy doll attack movies like Chucky and Small Soldiers, but you wish the dolls were very obviously the protagonists, You will love this movie.

So here's the funny thing.

Oh, I'm team doll the whole time.

Honestly, 100%.

Pretty much literally the protagonist.

At which I wasn't like, the dolls are doing great.

We'll get to it, right?

I would be spoiling the entire movie to talk through how right the dolls are at every conceivable moment of the movie, but they are.

They are always correct at all points.

This is what I mean, though.

that it's culturally important.

I think it's a good message what they're doing with the dolls.

They're solving the prison system.

Exactly.

So he gets home and he's like, guys, so the episode you recorded while I was gone, a little bit loose in the beginning.

Also, it was very clear that you were saying political violence is necessary towards the end there.

And I realized that I didn't.

I am saying that.

Yeah.

So

dolls.

Dolls

from 1986 wants you to kill a Supreme Court justice.

I said they didn't get it all the way right.

Okay.

They didn't get it all the way right.

It's not great now, though.

It's really not right right now.

Sometimes you got to do do that okay sometimes you got to use a doll is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at oh best worst accent reveal 100

and i love an accent reveal this one had me wheezing on the ground with laughter.

There are so many possibilities of what you're are you talking about Isabel?

I am talking about Isabelle.

I have a phonetic.

We'll get to it, but I have a phonetic exactly what she said.

I'm very excited.

The British accent on this character is bananas, and we will get to it.

Yes.

Okay.

I'm going to go with best, worst, ads in Michigan.

Oh, interesting.

So I'm in like the battleground of this fucking election.

And

Republicans have spent bajillions of dollars, some of which was wasted on me personally, which I enjoyed.

And they put a bunch of ads on everything, including Pluto TV.

Oh my God.

And so their ads, it's nothing but attack ads on Kamala Harris, obviously.

Of course.

And they got crazier each time.

It's like they set it up to ramp throughout this movie.

So at first it was like, you know, Kamala Harris hates plaid shirts and I love plaid shirts.

I'm a guy who works and has plaid shirts.

But then it was like, Kamala Harris cut a hole in the fence and helped drag queen immigrants get in who murdered people.

And then, like, at the end, it was just like, Kamala Harris murdered me.

I'm dead.

And I'm not.

I'm being murdered.

If you could hear this, Kamala Harris is murdering me right now.

Oh, my God.

Please, please don't vote for her.

Please don't vote for her and your shitty flyers.

It's my last.

Also, I'm

Santa.

This is me.

That was the progression of ads almost exactly, only slightly different.

Yeah.

All of my ads since I had a child are just parent-shaming ads.

They're just like abcmouse.com.

There was a time when abcmouse.com's ads were like, teach your kid to read.

And now they're like, look at their stupid fucking dead eyes.

That's you.

You did that.

But I guess if the only thing you can schlep them in front of is an iPad, come on over to abcmouse.com.

ABCmouse.com.

We're picking up where you left off.

Oh my God.

And I'm going to go with best, worst, candle use.

So

there is no moment in this movie where someone will use a candle to light the space they are in.

Yeah.

But everyone will always light a candle.

Always.

This movie was made, I think it was sponsored heavily by Big Candle.

Big Candle.

Yeah.

Yep.

Big Candle.

Or Big Match.

It was effective on me.

Several times I was like, I want to get some candelabras for my house.

I don't need them, but they seem nice.

Yeah.

They seem like anticues.

All right.

That's how they're going to try to say the word antique later.

We're going to get to that.

One of those bone mows Heath loves so much.

But first, we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back to tell you all about dolls, the 1986 or 87 one.

All right, everybody, welcome to the first Writer's Room meeting for dolls.

Woo!

All right, so I think it's pretty obvious.

This is going to be a horror movie about a house full of extremely creepy dolls, right?

Awesome.

So scary.

Yeah.

So, uh, how are they going to do it?

Do what?

What do you mean?

Kill people.

How do the dolls in the movie kill people?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, like knives, hammers,

axes.

Oh, oh, so they have like super strength?

Nice.

Wait, what?

The dolls?

No.

No, just it's normal doll strength.

But

a normal doll couldn't kill a person.

What?

Yes, it could.

Absolutely could.

They're the size of babies.

But they're killer babies.

Okay, so to be clear, for the killer doll movie, you want normal full-bodied adults to lose fights to dolls.

There's normal dolls to the dead.

To death, multiple times.

Yes.

Okay.

Well.

Still not as stupid as Quiet Place, so we can make it.

Or Birdbox, for that matter.

Or Bird Box, yeah.

Hey, question.

Do you guys think the Bird Box monster is angels by any chance?

No, that's stupid.

Yeah, not me neither.

That is stupid.

So, do you like have a team?

Ah, my brother likes the Seahawks.

I'm from Seattle.

I don't know.

Okay.

So, I guess them?

Seahawks, got it.

Yeah.

Stop what you're doing right now, Heath Enright.

Hey, hey, Eli.

What?

Why are you dressed like a cop?

What are you doing?

God, we never should have bought our son that paw patrol costume.

Because you're trying to goad my wife into the illegal and seedy world of sports betting.

Um, Eli, sports betting, it's not illegal.

Oh, sure.

If you don't mind having your credit cards stolen by a spy site in Yemen that disappears with all your money.

Yemen is a weird poll.

Yeah, agree.

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Wow, he thanks.

All right.

I guess you're not under arrest after all.

Yeah, plus those cuffs are plastic and don't open.

I was going to ask you to pretend.

Got it.

Yep.

And we're back.

And we're going to start off with a very long intro segment with disembodied doll heads and a creepy music box orchestra.

Yeah.

An orchestra done on the one of those like vintage keyboards because it was not an actual orchestra.

It was a vintage keyboard.

playing orchestra sounds and then my sons Melissa and Doug Glockage Piel.

Okay.

Yeah.

I found this very scary.

I'm scared of dolls.

Oh.

Dolls kind of just

see I played with them as a kid because I have the heart of a child.

So yeah.

Well, I did not, and I don't have the heart of a child.

You've never been a child.

But I will say I had a personal evolution over the course of this movie.

Oh.

So I started in a bad place for dolls and they really grew on me.

And you end in a good place now.

What happened to me at this point was I was watching it on my computer screen and I look up and I see a fly like walk over one of the dolls' faces.

And I thought, oh, yeah, they're being really creepy about it.

But then the fly flew off my computer screen into my face and give me a giant fucking pop.

You got the 5G excuse me.

Yeah, I was like, whoa, okay, maybe this is a good movie.

It turns out I was not disappointed.

I thought I was going to be.

It was a good movie.

Now, I will say, for my experience of this credit sequence, they have like normal doll, normal doll, normal, doll, normal, doll.

And then they have one fucking fat doll.

It's the meme.

It's the meme girl.

Yes.

Running away.

The running away away with a stick of butter girl.

It's that doll.

Fat doll rules.

I want him.

I want him in my house.

I want him on my porch to greet trick-or-treaters.

Absolutely.

And then for a second, fat doll was the theme.

And then they had a normal one again.

And I lost interest.

Okay.

I wanted to know about the meme with the girl running with bumps.

That sounds awesome.

Yeah.

See how much you miss out on him?

She's grabbing a stick of butter loose and running away with it, being like, fuck you.

Yeah, it's great because it's been meme to grabbing all everything, everything.

Like grabbed a twisted tea and running away, grabbing a like the fucking you know whatever's grabbing mu dang and running away it's it's been memes to hell i like the energy of that yeah it's a really good energy so now it's time to get into the movie proper so we're gonna see some uh kids almost get hit by a car and then we smash cut to the interior where we're gonna meet the main characters of our movie bad mom and dad and judy their uh daughter.

These punks, these girls who are singing in the field and then like almost get hit by the car, they are like the quintessential little baby Anna, idolized, wanted to be these punks growing up in tiny small town Hippieville, USA.

Okay.

Absolutely.

It's like if your boomer dad had to draw Madonna.

That's how these two actors are dressed.

The 80s were pretty fun in terms of what people were wearing.

Absolutely.

Also, I found the mom, the stepmom we're going to learn, Rosemary, to be an interesting choice in terms of costuming.

Yes.

So we're in the 80s.

I don't remember moms dressing like fortune teller flappers from the 20s, but that's what Rosemary's doing.

Okay.

She has a hair story because she is doing like a little, a little ED from Grey Gardens sort of like headscarf thing.

Yeah.

Also, this actress, can I say, just looks spitting image of Pearl from RuPaul's Drag Race.

Yeah.

I don't know if you watched that.

That season.

She looks

almost exactly like Pearl.

Like kind of dead in the eyes sort of like thing the pouty lip it's like on point she's she's serving cruella deville realness on absolutely yes this is this is the cruella deville prequel don't let disney fool you with that weird emma stone movie this is the one that actually predates it also i don't know why i think it was because they put judy in a wig that was very obviously not her hair judy the little girl looks like a little boy in a wig the whole time like there was a miscasting and they were like damn it we we named the character judy And they were like, it's fine.

It's fine.

We got plenty of dolls.

We'll just cut the top off one of their heads and put it on this kid.

You don't mind, do you, son?

And he's like, no.

Okay, also, small detail.

Judy is pretending to read Hansel and Gretel in the backseat.

Oh.

And we see that.

Foreshadowing.

Yeah.

So I think this movie was very much based on Hansel and Gretel, but they don't really know what that book.

slash story was about.

Yeah.

Do they mean cannibalism?

Do they mean witches?

Getting lost in the woods.

The movie throws in witches at the end.

It does come back, you guys.

It comes back in a major way.

Okay.

Hansel and Gretel specifically.

And Hansel and Gretel is about bad parenting, and we get two very bad parents here.

And there's a boy and a girl, and they save each other.

Yeah, Hansel and Gretel is about two parents who try to murder their kids because there's a famine, right?

Isn't that the beginning of that story?

It is one of the versions, yeah.

Yeah, that's where it goes.

So they drive for a little bit.

They almost hit those teens, and then their car

runs out of gas.

I don't know.

It starts raining and then their car stops.

Yeah.

It runs really hard into the rain.

Like

I expected the rain to be like in the road when they got out clutching its ankle and telling it it was going to soothe us.

I need your information.

I'm watering.

I will say this.

It immediately stopped raining the second that guy got out of the car.

Yeah.

The whole setup here is that it's storming too hard, but then the minute they get out of the car, it's not raining.

Not only is it not raining, it's not even wet.

No.

And they're stuck in the mud from all the rain.

He kicks the car, but this is an 80s car when all cars were the size of a fucking tank and had no seatbelts.

So it does nothing.

Also, wait, wait.

It is also, it's a British car, though, because she is on, she is driving and she is on the right side.

I don't know if you guys hear that, but a full-on American accent.

So we have no idea where the fuck we are.

Yes, these are apparently Bostonians on vacations somewhere in England, I guess, after all the accents sort of measure out.

I think that's what we're supposed to be thinking.

Sure.

They're all American actors doing British accents, to be clear, but yeah.

Quite badly.

Yeah.

This is also where we establish relationship dynamics.

Judy gets out of the car and Rosemary's like, do the thing.

And she's like, you're not my mother.

And then they actually have to go through it and be like, you're right.

I'm not your mother.

I'm just married to your father who recently divorced your mother.

And she was like, I think, I think she got it when I i just did the you're about my mother right and i wrote in my notes hey for the younger members of our audience this is the relationship that all your millennial friends grew up in so just be nice to us is what i'm saying be nice yeah they they do not like judy my parents loved each other

just me cool

check your parents loved each other privileging

I don't know.

You'll get to know about my parents later in the movie.

Right, yes.

And because this is a horror movie and everyone must always make this choice they're gonna walk to the spooky house they see down the road to ask for some help with their broken down

oh my god i'm so bored the similarities the similarities between this movie and rocky horror picture show are like pretty dead on

i was very much expecting i mean we saw the punks earlier so it was already getting me getting me like thinking that kind of like vibe and then i was really hoping that like some character actors were gonna open the door for them yeah frankenfurter's castle is down the block it's actually just a block full of castles with various kinks and and this is the dolls one all right if they played this movie at a local theater on a regular basis with like costumes

i would go for sure i would absolutely dress up and my my my outfit is about to be revealed Oh, giant teddy bear.

Oh, absolutely giant teddy bear.

Giant teddy bear, yes.

So what we get here is a sequence where Rosemary, that's the stepmom, the wicked stepmother, if you will, like the bear is slowing the little girl down.

It's not.

She's just carrying her.

She's too scary.

But because Rosemary needs to establish herself as a villain, she throws the bear into the woods.

And then we get an absolutely bizarre sequence where a guy in a teddy bear suit lumbers out of the woods, but then giant teddy bear, like taller than them, established that it's way taller than the adults.

And then a monster bear bursts out of the bear suit costume and kills Rosemary.

And the father.

Right, but it's just in Judy's imagination.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

It mauls the father and the mother and the stepmom.

And then it turns to the camera and she's, and Judy's like, oh, big bear and big teddy, why would you do that?

And the bear literally is like, hey, he does an ain't I a stinker shrug.

He does an ain't I a stinker shrug, and it's pretty fantastic.

He's, he's the Carl the Pugapegicorn vibes character.

100%.

In this people, in their podcastiverse, whatever they have, he's their Carl the Pugapegicorn for sure.

But Judy wakes up from her daydream where her father and stepmother are viciously mauled.

Not great.

And it's time for them to head into the house.

So they get inside this basement, right?

They're in the spooky basement, and there's spooky dolls all over the place.

Dad falls into a pile of suitcases like he's a vaudeville.

A pile of empty boxes, actually.

Yeah, it's just totally weird.

Totally, totally weird.

And that, of course, like gets the owners of the house.

He's there with a shotgun.

A shotgun he will not use for the rest of the movie, which is very odd to me.

Yeah, this couple looks like American Gothic, but done by the American Girl Doll company.

Yeah.

Yeah, Tim Burton's version of American Golly.

Yeah, he's got like a smoking jacket on.

They're like kind of fancy, kind of weird, mysterious British couple.

But yes, American Gothic in terms of the vibe for sure.

But they've got like rouge on their faces.

Yes.

Yeah.

No, it's got very school play vibes.

They're American Gothic done by your local middle school.

Yes.

So they follow them upstairs.

And wait, wait, wait.

There is.

And this is something that really pissed me off.

There is a straight-up suit of armor on the way upstairs.

There's a straight up whole ass suit of armor.

The girl even stops and looks at it, like establishing there is a suit of armor here.

And I was like, oh, fuck yes, this is going to come back.

I can imagine like chaperone from the VMA's doll is just going to come out and like fucking slay the monster or whatever.

Never fucking comes back.

Never.

Yeah.

We watched Judy be like, a suit of armor, I noted to myself.

Fuck you, Anna.

This will not come back.

It will not come back, much like every other thing that is noted in the movie.

But this is where we establish what's going to be the main conflict between Judy and her parents, which is that Judy has an imagination.

Now, to be clear, Judy will never say a thing that's not true, right?

Now, what you would do is if you knew how to make movies, you would have Judy like tell a silly lie or make up a story.

And then in this establishing scene, the parents would be like, sorry, she's got a wild imagination.

But instead, she's like, it's pretty dark in her.

And her parents are like, sorry, she is such a drama queen.

What a six-year-olds.

Am I right?

Do you think the teddy bear actually attacked them, maybe?

And it wasn't a daydream?

Because she's going to be like seeing real stuff that seems imaginary, but isn't.

Yeah, the rest of the movie retcons in the idea that the bear was real.

I mean, the bear murdered both the parents, and then they were fine.

And they are alive for the rest of the film.

So those pieces don't seem like a body slam.

I don't know if it was a murder.

No, it wasn't a murder.

There was blood.

There was a lot of blood.

Like it ate the face off.

Honestly, it reminded me a lot of the...

You guys remember the fat bear week bear who literally ate one of the other bears bears this year ate an entire other bear you also don't know

yeah there's a week for them there's a fat bear week oh my god

last week you didn't know about aftercare and this week you don't know about fat bear week i'm learning so much this is great i don't know what i'm more disappointed in he's pebble me

but yeah so they're i pebble you all the time so So they wander through the house and their house is full of dolls and these people are doll makers.

Now, let me explain.

The guy says the house gets clammy when it rains.

The permission to obliterate the term clammy from existence.

Yeah, definitely when describing a home, don't put it in your fucking Zillow list.

Like, I can smell that.

That sucks.

That's it.

That's that's bad vibes.

Bad vibes all the way.

Clammy, but charming.

So they're walking through the house, right?

And they note that there's dolls everywhere, right?

And they're like, oh, yeah, we're doll makers.

And again, for the younger members of our audience, there really did used to be just weird doll people.

Like, it wasn't necessarily a horror movie premise.

Like, one cousin aunt, you'd just walk in one day and they'd be like, It's about this now.

And you'd be like, Sure, I guess.

Why not?

So, you know, it will be a horror movie premise in this case, but you know, it didn't have to be is what I'm saying.

It didn't have to be.

So, they walk them through the house.

They, they pass by some, a door that's got weird giggling noises.

Yeah, he says, What's behind that door?

Or she says, What's behind that door?

And it's like, oh, yes, that's where we keep our gremlins.

That's the sound of them.

It's like a giggle.

Yeah.

I wanted wanted to see a gremlin room.

That's awesome.

I know.

That would have been awesome.

Yeah.

But eventually they make it into the kitchen, right?

Where they have this very weird, very poetic, metaphorical conversation about storms, which Judy, the little girl, will spend the rest of the movie taking literally, right?

So, so one of the lines that the old man says here, he's like, we love storms.

It's like a night that never ends.

And throughout the rest of the movie, Judy will be like, yeah, it's because it's the night that never ends.

And a series of characters will have to be like, No, the old guy.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

All these old puppet people speak poetically.

That's just a thing they do.

No, it nights never gonna end.

No, no, it will, it will, but it's just that, you know, they talk like that.

I do enjoy a storm, though.

I kind of like that poetic language.

I also do.

It's cozy.

Yeah, it's cozy.

Oh, so cozy.

Exactly.

It's cozy unless your house is clammy.

Obviously, yeah, not in a clammy house.

Can I give this controversial hot take?

Storms are cozier if you believe other people are outside uncomfortable.

Without an umbrella.

Yeah.

Schadenfreude.

Oh, this is storms are about schadenfreude to you.

Yeah.

I become diametrically more cozy by how uncozy someone else is.

There's a Milton joke here, but we we're recording this on Thursday night and we don't know how bad the damage was yet.

So I'm going to go ahead and not make it.

But I just want you podcast listener to know if Milton turns out to not be a really damaging and deadly force, I would have made a Milton.

Then do not imagine Eli just covered, covered in blankets, steepling his fingers.

Exactly, right?

Just watching CNN while people huddle inside of Tampa.

Okay.

I feel like you're steepling your fingers just when there's not storms now because you're like, look at me inside the housing that I own.

Exactly.

Others have to be.

And he watches cops.

This is absolutely.

And watching cops.

I don't watch cops anymore.

I don't believe you.

Not anymore.

I think you're lying.

I've moved on.

I've gotten stronger.

Now.

Hannah.

is he lying?

He just wants to do that shit in front of Max.

Let's be honest.

As far as you know.

As far as I know, it's true.

Okay.

My secret cop stash under the floor.

Only on airplanes.

This is also where we learn American Gothic, the couple's names.

He's Gabriel and she's Hillary.

I wrote in my notes, I'm Gabriel.

This is Hillary.

You should have voted for her.

Yeah, they immediately, as soon as a new character comes on stage, they're like, oh, and this is blank, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And this, and this this is his whole backstory.

Yeah.

They're very intense about naming characters.

They've only got an hour and 15 minutes a movie.

We're just shouting out names as soon as we hit the scene.

That's the rules.

Absolutely.

They also aim for foreboding and missing this scene in a way that I really love.

At one point, the old guy is like, Storms, help me with my work.

And the guy, and the husband jokes, what's that, witchcraft?

And he goes, close doll making.

And I wrote my notes, I don't think it's close unless you are an evil doll maker, man.

That's right.

i think that's right but yeah gabriel and i guess his wife too they're hillary they're hillary they're uh doll makers toy makers and he gives judy a doll he gives her a mr punch a mr punch doll

because you know pun punch and judy who has his own theme music and that was like what they wrote this whole thing around but to be clear tell me if i'm right is this me reading into this too much this guy gabriel and his wife hillary they're fucking the puppets right like that's

100% fucking freaky in this.

And there is a lot of,

there's a lot of evidence that they get

real upside down pineapple.

Okay, yeah.

Important to notice that in life, like, no judgment.

Puppet fuckers are delightful, but your life knows what you're getting into, right?

Also, weird that, like, if he's going to give her punch and he knows that the dolls can, like, move around and talk, like, she's about to learn a lot of misogynistic jokes real quick.

I don't know if you guys have gone back to Punch and Judy, but it's gonna get rough.

All great.

Oh, yeah, for the younger people in our audience, I mean, we weren't alive for this, but there used to be a whole comedy act.

For anybody who isn't from the 1200s, Eli's got it.

Yeah, exactly.

In case you're uh, because you've read a book that wasn't printed on a scroll,

it still happens, these things still happen.

It's just a Punch and Judy, it's like the original sitcom.

It's two people who hate each other and just beat each other up the entire time.

The whole thing is like, Yeah, they would actually beat each other up with a battle.

Yeah, with a bat.

And he's got a little bat.

He does.

He has a little bat.

Spoiler alert, it's going to matter.

It is.

Oh, also, we have to talk about the soup.

Yes.

Thank you.

Hillary is making what appears to be gray snow.

Pond water?

Yeah, but also like glowering at everybody and cackling evilly as she's like...

Human stew is what's happening here.

100%.

It looks like there's algae growing up.

Like I was surprised there wasn't a frog just jumping out of there.

The fact that nobody turns into a werewolf after drinking this stuff is a real inconsistency in the form.

I did enjoy their china, though.

She serves it on

China.

Nice China.

And the 80s were all about waiting for guests to serve on your nice China.

So this was a big day for her as well.

Full of lead.

It's fine, though.

So now all the rest of the characters are going to burst into the movie because we don't have time to establish all this shit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

A punk smashes through the window.

Yeah.

And we get to my best worst, which is best worst accident reveal.

The punk from earlier, one of the punks from earlier, smashes through the window and says, and I quote, Jesus

or file march.

Yep.

It's,

it is waiting for Guffman levels.

Truly.

Yeah, it is Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, but Bert has fallen on hard times and turned to sex work.

That is what he's going to do.

That's a rough accent.

British actors are a thing that exists.

Like you're allowed to

have them.

I heard this was shot in Italy, which is closer even to where those British actors generally are.

I was surprised.

But all the actors are American, and you know this because they speak in American actors, even the ones that are supposed to be living in this house.

Like they do the sort of Princess Leia of accent going in and out and in and out.

But like she's the only, she really, she had one, she had one thing she stuck to.

Yeah, for sure.

She had one method and it wasn't.

Yeah, she had one method and it it was.

Okay, this accent was so bad.

I'll be honest, when she first burst in and said what Anna just said, I was like, is this the real mom from Boston doing a CECI accent?

No.

Truly.

But so this is the two girls.

I don't know if they get names.

Their names won't matter.

Oh, they get names.

Everybody gets names.

The second they appear, they're like, by the way, I'm Isabel and this is Enid.

And everybody's like, oh, I'm Isabel and Enid.

And I'm David.

And I'm I'm Rosemary.

And I'm like, they go around the room every single time.

But they got a ride from Ralph, who will be our protagonist.

Ralph is Timu Sean Aston, as Anna has him in her notes.

Yes, exactly.

Yes, Timu Sean Aston.

And honestly, putting on the full Samuel's Gamgee charm, like Ralph could get it.

Interesting.

Ralph's awesome.

Ralph is hot.

I agree.

Yeah.

He's got like,

he's got like early dad bod going on in a good way.

For sure.

In a very good way.

He's also an idiot.

Yes, he is also an idiot.

He has

childlike wonderment in an idiot way, which is charming.

And that's kind of a big deal in terms of the political message of the movie

that I was saying was important earlier.

And he is the only one who also understands, oh, I'm in a horror movie and this is not right.

This is weird.

That's true.

Yeah.

No, he is aware that he's in a horror movie.

All right.

So now it's time for everyone to head up to bed, which I think is weird because they don't do the establishing scene where the person's like, it's too late for you to head out tonight, right?

Usually they have like a one-liner where the spooky ghost person says like, you'll never get through this rain and fog.

But instead, they're just like, well, it's a horror movie.

We should all separate and move on.

I agree, it's cold outside.

Let's go upstairs.

This will be great.

Yeah.

In the room.

And Judy, speaking of you sort of breaking that fourth wall, Judy stops Ralph on the way up the stairs and is like, hey, Ralph, are we in a horror movie?

Very clearly in a horror movie.

You seem like a reasonable adult and won't like try to threaten to slap me or something.

Yeah.

Also, they have this great moment where they're showing everyone to their rooms.

And every time they open the door, it's just a different room full of dolls.

And you can see the mom and dad trying to find a politically correct way to ask, do you have a room that isn't filled with dolls?

Oh, and all the beds are like those two twins that are pushed together.

Fucking hate those things.

They do not act like a normal.

It's the worst.

Like, it's the worst.

Someone's always falling down the crack.

Honestly, that's the worst thing it keeps you in your zone um no no no no no no awful when you want to do the cuddle you get on the same one and but then when you want to be in zones you've got the zones no if you want to get a cuddle you try to get on the same one and one person falls in the gap between and the other person rolls off the bed keith you couldn't cuddle yourself on a twin bed i cuddle myself all the time

doing it right now not on a twin bed yeah that's true i have a double right behind me right now exactly exactly yeah use it as a soundbard So, yeah, he puts the punks in their room.

He puts the parents in their room.

And now he brings Ralph and Judy downstairs.

Now, let me clarify something for you all, podcast listener.

He brings Ralph and Judy downstairs to show them his workshop.

I spent the next eight minutes of the movie being like, are Ralph and Judy?

He's going to sleep in the same room.

Me too.

I was like,

that's what was happening.

They don't.

They don't, which was good.

But it is weird.

Clarify fast.

Weird behavior to be like, I'm going to show your parents are going to go here and the teenagers are going to care, and you two, I'm going to show you my special workshop.

You're in the honeymoon suite, if you know what I mean.

So, no, they're in the workshop, and Ralph is fascinated by these dolls because, again, he has the heart of a child.

The problem is everyone else is in a horror movie, and Ralph is in the foreground playing with dolls throughout this scene.

So, they're doing spooky exposition.

I'm so glad you've joined us.

And Ralph is just in mid-screen being like,

yeah.

And during this, it's kind of cut between back in the rooms where the two punks are like smoking and being like, oh, and we're going to steal his wallet tonight when he all goes to sleep and stuff like that.

Fucking putting a boombox on the thing.

Yeah.

It's fucking wild.

So I liked the big speech we get.

Ralph's fucking psyched about these toys.

He's doing the noises.

And then he stops and he gives a long,

long speech, beautiful speech about the joy and wonder of little toys that aren't mass-produced.

And Gabriel, who is a doll maker, is loving it.

This guy is erect right behind Ralph.

Because me, yes, ending a problematic Uber driver is what he's doing.

It's just like, oh, yeah, totally, man.

Absolutely.

You know what?

Here's fine in the middle of the bridge.

Yeah, no, this is good.

I can walk from here.

So now Hillary's going to come into the punks' room, right?

And makeup shame them.

Well, honestly, she does it in a really nice way.

She's just like, oh, I don't know what that is.

I assumed you wanted to wash it off your face.

Please, dear God, take a shower.

You smell like wet possums.

But like, she does it so nicely.

And they're like, it's cool, makeup.

Don't tell me what to do, mom.

And what, but it's, it's, it's kind of wild the reaction that she gets from them because she's being really nice about it.

Yeah, I think this was a moment of excellent writing of the movie.

Interesting.

So the punk makeup, the punk makeup is a lot like doll makeup.

And we see close-ups of it.

And we see the close-ups of both, actually.

And I was like, this is interesting.

They're talking about humanity in a very important way.

I think we can learn from this movie.

Oh,

right.

Yeah.

My goodness.

Aren't we all wearing a mask in some sense?

Wow.

Thank you.

Mind blown, right?

Yeah,

sure.

That's you.

That's your

budget and the audience at home.

Can I say?

That's the big thing.

Excuse me.

I'm just going to scratch my porcelain on there.

This is also where we get the malapropism.

Okay.

So I have to explain this.

This movie will occasionally grind itself to a halt for a malaprop moment or a pun moment, but it's like, it's like you're at a fucking fiddle festival and someone has like halted the conversation oh this is the word antique thing you're saying antique right so the british girl says antiques wrong she calls them antiques

sorry not antiques antiques

right right and then the other actor's like you mean antiques and she's like antiques and she's like so you can't hear is it a hearing thing

again like It is played for laughs, but in the middle of a horror movie.

I have no idea why they ham-fistedly stuffed this joke into the scene.

Because again, it completely kills the momentum, right?

The entire scene has to stop and turn to her and go, yes, you did pronounce that word incorrectly.

Can we move on?

She's like,

I think maybe they were just establishing, you know, the societal condition of class warfare here between the

less wealthy punk generation and the older mansion established generation.

Heath, when we started this podcast, we had three rules.

And the first one was no doing a bunch of mushrooms and reading Theo of a Thousand Faces before episodes.

And I feel like you have broken that rule.

I did a microdose.

So

the point is that the two punk ladies are going to steal all the anti-cues from the house.

That's why they want to go if they're anti-defined.

Their original plan was to like steal Sean Aston's wallet or whatever, but now they're like, oh, we can just like.

steal a bunch of expensive stuff from the house.

Oh, yeah.

We can just get like a bunch of candlesticks and whatever.

And the plan is we're going to turn the radio on that we brought in our tiny little bag, shoulder bag, sure.

Turn it like punk music playing.

What this movie thinks is punk music.

It's just guitars.

And no one will hear us.

We'll sneak out and nobody will know we've gone.

Says the girl that is wearing so many chains and bangles that like

she clinks every time she blinks.

Like it, it.

It's a lot.

You can hear it in the

mics.

Pick it up.

It's like

every time she moves an arm.

All right.

Well, we've got two thieves, two very terrible parents, a delightful little girl, an adorable man boy, Sean Aston, and two old puppet fuckers who definitely swing.

So we're going to see how that all goes.

But first, we're going to take a quick break, and then we'll be back with more dolls.

Thanks so much for letting us in your house, sir.

Really appreciate it.

Yeah.

yeah, we were getting soaked out there.

Thank you.

It is.

No problem.

Wow, I'm just looking around.

You sure have a lot of dolls.

Indeed, I do.

I have always had the heart of a child.

Oh, that's nice.

I find so few people these days have the heart

of a child, I mean.

Sure, sure, yeah.

So many people are busy racing about.

There is no time for wonder, joy, and

sense.

Totally, yeah.

Okay, this guy is a nutbag?

He feels like a right-winger.

I think he just likes toys.

Be quiet.

Yes, times were different back then.

Simpler,

better.

You might say great again.

Or maybe you just appreciate joy.

I get it.

Yes, the joy of a child, though.

I suppose you think I'm a real softy, don't you?

Yeah, softy.

Exactly.

Sure, yeah.

Either of you got some Chinese blood?

You seem sneaky.

I knew it.

Gotcha.

All right.

You guys ready for the next ad?

I'm totally.

All right.

Anna, your lines are right up at the top right here.

All right.

Okay.

Hey there.

I'm Anna Bosnik, a bodacious babe.

And there's nothing we babes like.

big bulgy muscles.

Eli, what is this?

Oh, oh, this is an Ed for Fitbod.

It's this really cool fitness app.

And I I figured we could like shame people into downloading it using your feminine wiles.

Ooh, say shredded.

Yes, shredded is a good thing that you want.

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All right, thanks.

Oh, but before we finish the ad, will you say this one down here, this line right here?

Um, I can't resist a man with a blitzing butt.

Nice.

Thanks.

Blitzing?

That's me.

Yeah, man.

Got it.

Jealous.

Yeah, you are.

Not blitzing.

And we're back.

When we left off, Isabel and Enid, the punks, were planning a big anti-Q heist.

And now we're back with Gabriel, who's taking Ralph and Judy to their respective rooms for the night.

Yeah.

Thank God they are.

Really?

All of our notes at this point are just excited that they're in separate rooms.

Also, the ad breaks.

I know that he talked about him getting the Michigan one.

I got one.

I know it's not related to the movie, but I do have to speak on it.

If you have seen it, YouTube Wendy's breakfast burrito ad, they show the ad for the breakfast burrito.

You have a breakfast burrito?

Yeah.

And you watch this ad.

Oh, no, I actually had it recently.

Is it good?

No, it's not good.

No.

It's not very good.

Get their honey chicken thing instead.

But the important thing about this ad is that during it, one of the guys takes a bite out of the side of the breakfast burrito.

What?

Murder.

Out of the side.

And I

truly was not paying attention for the next 15 minutes of the movie.

I was just like, why wouldn't someone incorporate that?

He took the wrong bite, you mean?

Yes.

Like the correct bite was.

I want you to imagine holding it in between your hands, one hand on either end of the burrito.

Oh, no.

And he bites into it like a sandwich.

Yes, exactly like a sandwich.

Sandwich.

War crime.

Literal war crime.

Yes.

Get out of here.

Also, make large amounts of those breakfast potatoes and sell them later in the day.

They're really good.

Okay, the potatoes are good.

The breakfast potatoes.

I love a junior bacon cheeseburger.

Give me some breakfast potatoes with it

all day.

That sounds amazing.

Instead of those fries, fuck those fries.

Get the potatoes all day long.

Yeah.

Those are so good.

Know your role.

You're not a fries place.

It's true.

Yeah.

You're not a fries place.

I know I'm not writing any jokes right now or saying any jokes, but because I'm screenshotting, I found the commercial and I'm screenshotting it and i'm putting it into our chat i'm not because i feel like you have to

so i gotta look at it i'm gonna look at it you have to i put it in our facebook chat i'm gonna look at it and i'm going to describe it to you i hate this oh god murder me i hate this yeah oh god they zoom in on it they show you the after effects i'm doing a second one too why are you doing another i don't want to see any more of this you need to see the after effects it's like the holidays eli's gonna just do this now he's gonna take wrong bites as like a bit bit forever.

I hate it.

It's just, that's all I do at live shows.

Eli, the next time I eat pizza, I'm going to take a bite of the side of it or the crust first.

I'm going to eat it crust first in front of you.

I do pizza in concentric circles.

What?

Yeah.

It's like an apple.

Well, no, no.

Well, yeah, kind of.

Kind of like a cartoon master and apple.

But

I go in like a human being and do the front tip.

But then I'll go like off the corner, you know, off one side of the crust slash a little bit of the regular part and then the other side.

Or you go the belt sander map.

I go belt.

So you're like, oh, okay, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No, that's good.

It's a good way to do it.

Oh, wow.

So now we cut upstairs to the parents.

She's complaining about the place that they're staying in.

Again, she keeps saying things like, nice vacation you booked us, or the wine tastes musty, but like, this is a place they're sheltering where their car has broken down.

I don't understand why she keeps complaining like he had some hand in the planning of it.

She She might as well be like, it's not a very nice horror movie you got us into.

Okay, if you're eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that's square,

are you going on like a side edge or a corner first?

I don't know how I would repair.

I don't know.

How would it pair with my bed, my carafe of bed wine that they're drinking at this time?

That's an important question.

That is an important.

Do I want?

I want a nice like Pinot Noir, I feel like, with a PB and J.

Sure.

I would like my musty bed wine with, I think, the center first, first, like the center bite first of the peanut butter, like full peanut butter, jelly, no crust.

Yeah.

Wait, you'd bite from the top of the sandwich down into the middle of it?

No.

Oh, I thought it was sliced in half.

Is this not sliced in half?

Oh, imagine it.

Either way, I don't know what dimensional squeamish.

It's not sliced in half.

Did you imagine my wife like plummeting into a sandwich?

Yeah, like

a drill press almost.

Kethelton, Bethesda, Mercury.

I described it as a square, so it's not cut.

Imagine it's not cut.

You're eating sandwiches that aren't cut?

I do.

ENJs that aren't cut in half?

Because I'm an adult.

That's just an extra step you're adding to the whole process.

I want to start eating.

Are you an early English peasant where they gave us two loaves of bread and hold on smashed them together?

And this is what I ate this morning.

I does, I does.

Do you cut diagonal?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm not like against that.

It's just adding a step.

I feel like you're making it harder than it has to be.

Honestly, diagonal or straight across.

I don't give a shit.

You know what would be even easier?

Why don't you just take the sandwich and roll it between your hands into your body?

I ball and then stuff the ball into your mouth and just force your jaw to close.

I know you try to do this as the extreme example, but I've literally

literally done this.

Do you

wait?

I call it pill mode.

I believe you.

Yeah.

Do you just do you just slap the thing on both sides and then just eat it over the sink?

Yes.

Sadly.

Happily.

Without dirtying a plate too.

I do it happily, but yes, otherwise.

That is.

Just picturing Heath leaning over his sink, eating cereal out of the box, being like brushing it.

I'm going to blow your mind.

If you take that one little step to cut it in half,

then you get that perfect first bite.

Down the middle.

Right down the middle, right in the center.

I feel like the reason people love.

Wait, no, no, heath.

The ratio.

People love that so much that they created uncrustables so that you can make that ratio for every single bite.

Oh, is uncrustables basically like that bite throughout?

That's the idea?

Exactly.

It's basically someone

cutting it in half, took a cookie cutter and just did just the middle.

What I was saying, and to bring it back to the carafe of bed wine that these two are drinking, if they were to pair it with a sandwich, their musty carafe of bed wine would go best with that center bite.

Okay.

I will agree with that.

I would want like a savory sandwich, like a, like a liverwurst, maybe?

We were talking about savory sandwiches, Heathelton.

Like a pate.

and either way you gotta cut it in half and get that center bite first it takes one more step and you get the best first bite knowing you you're gonna fold it into a fucking dim sum bun and then lower it into your mouth like jaws approaching a young maiden so just lube up your mouth yeah exactly just fucking nathan's famous hot dog contest over here these are terrible examples if you're trying to talk me out of something perma competing joey chestnut american hero american hero american hero

Absolutely.

He works for Impossible Dogs now.

Yeah.

He's got his own brand of mustard.

He's crushing it.

So there's a movie.

Yeah.

So there's this movie.

So there's a movie.

Anyways, it's time for some straight up doll murdering.

Finally, we're like,

I'm not kidding.

30 minutes into this hour and 14-minute movie, and we're going to get our first doll murder.

I'm sorry.

We have to

skip back one second.

Please, please.

Because they do, they do the couple sitting in bed.

She's got her hair covered because for some reason she hates showing her hair and they're drinking the wine and then it cuts to judy in bed reading hansel and gretel again but this time she's reading it out loud and she's talking she's reading to punch she's reading about the point where the witch has hansel in the cage and he's she has him stick his finger out every day to test how plump he's getting

and that will come back and that is why hansel and gretel is the book This is good writing.

I didn't even notice it.

It's a good movie.

You guys, it's a good movie.

It comes together.

It's all coming together.

sean astonishansel right yeah yeah yeah okay love that so time for doll murder right we're gonna cut over to punk girl the one who said anticuse that hilarious bon mo hilarious that we all enjoyed so much she is just searching around the house but she's she's just kind of randomly stealing stuff and walking around with the flashlight which is weird because like She's welcome in the house, right?

Like she kind of indicated in the last scene that maybe they sneak out before everyone else wakes up.

But like there's a variety of reasons why now is not the time for robbing.

I don't know.

It's very odd.

But it's time for spooky doll stuff, starting with a classic, the music box that keeps opening and she goes over to close it.

Exactly.

They fuck up the beats and there's not a third beat where a horror thing happens.

The music box of it, she closes it.

Music boxes, she closes it.

Music boxes.

No, it just comes back on.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it comes on the third time and the dolls that were sitting next to it have disappeared.

Oh.

you didn't notice that.

Also, the dolls' faces change every time.

Eli, you're devastated right now.

That's pretty great.

Yeah, I'm obviously, yeah, it's a really good movie.

Back in the beginning, they had three.

So, when they were doing the credits and those creepy doll faces, there were three names that literally had the title of fucking doll shenanigans or some bullshit.

It was like doll effects, doll special effects.

I call it doll shenanigans because that is understandable considering how much went into this.

They had three separate teams of doll shenanigans going yeah

but yeah they grab her and they like

smoosh her into the wall a little bit okay they battering ram her into the wall into into the baseboard because this is excellent writing like what would a doll murder look like it would probably be low to the ground

yeah liliputins smashing somebody into the baseboard I thought this is good.

Absolutely.

We get like, you know, a first-person view of that from Isabel.

And then they spit her out into the hallway and she looks up, grasping out with her hand.

And it's Judy who's out looking for water.

And she raises her finger out.

And Judy tries to get her finger.

Like, look at that.

That's like an answer and gratitude.

Surely you're like an honest and gretel, guys.

It's a good movie.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

It's all coming together.

Okay.

But so Isabel, right after that, gets dragged away by the dolls.

And Judy's like, yeah, all right.

I'm cool with that yeah i was like yeah so am i and can i say i kind of also felt the same i mean they eventually end up killing her which i think we can all agree is an overreaction right proper property is a crime unto itself when she was robbing them and the dolls just kicked her ass i was like i mean yeah break me

around and find out isabelle yeah So Judy runs into her parents' room, daddy and Rosemary's room, to tell them that the elves got one of the girls.

Now, that's a very strange thing for her to say because at this point, I think she has seen that they are are dolls, not elves.

Am I wrong about that?

Earlier, she was like, why are there gremlins in this closet?

I hear gremlins behind this closet.

And he was like, oh, those must be elves and fairies.

And she just like brushes it off.

And she's like, where do the elves live?

And the guy literally earlier before was like, elves live wherever they want.

Like, just

she's talking about elves and fairies this whole time.

Exactly.

Are you paying attention to the movie, Eli?

Yeah, are you?

Yeah, Eli?

My point is that at this point, she has seen them be dolls.

Sure.

You're being very dismissive.

okay

the point is she comes up and she's like oh the elves took the girl away and they're immediate they are trash yeah they are drunk the carafe is empty yeah their immediate reaction is rosemary leaps out of bed again correct me if i'm wrong because i'm obviously not paying as close attention to this movie as you guys are if you could learn something they immediately leap out of bed and rosemary says The old man is a sex fiend.

I knew it.

And okay, like I agree with that, but not the way she was saying it you know i also don't know why she concluded that he's puppets which you know well they're live puppets so it's tricky now that i think about it but

yeah well and the dad gets so angry he like threatens to smack her and the only reason he doesn't is because rosemary's like no you'll have to pay more child support if you hit her yeah but i can hit you and i was like these parents like read the parenting books that the adults from matilda and little Orphan Annie and like

basically

these they wrote the parenting books written by Roll Dahl, basically.

Dahl.

Oh, no.

Hey now.

But they liberty and justice for Dahl.

They don't believe her.

What they should call this.

The point is, they don't believe her and they want her to get out.

So she gets out.

She goes downstairs to wake up Ralph and tell Ralph what she just saw.

Okay.

So Ralph has put a clown doll on his nightstand

facing him.

Well, I don't think he put it.

And he is masturbating for sure.

Yeah.

This is definitely.

They got in, the door closed, and Gabriel was like, hey, now that Judy's out of the way,

do you like it when dolls watch?

Because I have a nasty little clown who you can reel.

And Ralph was like, oh my God, I sooner.

I still made me.

I would love love an assumption i was gonna ask if you had a clown once you have a clown you do i do i have a clown once i have a clown he's a naughty boy okay this movie is a referendum on puppet and it is making excellent points that's just official a referendum on puppet fucking is the name of my one-man show

it's at the public no wonder you like alpha stuff there are dozens of us But yeah, he's jerking off in front of this puppet when Judy comes in.

She's like, oh, the elves killed somebody.

And he's like,

I don't think that actually happened.

Actually, just give me a second and look away.

I don't think that happened.

What he actually says is, oh, are you sure the Elves weren't just lonely?

And she's like, yeah, I guess you're right.

Judy, she was bleeding from the head and screaming when they dragged her out by her feet.

Get your shit together, Judy.

The entire movie almost resolves at this moment because he's like, maybe the Elves just wanted to hang out.

And Judy's like, that's a great point.

I'm going to go back to bed.

But luckily, he notices that she has bloody slippers.

Yeah.

So, uh, the case is afoot.

And he, he does the thing where he puts his fingers on the slippers to check.

And this actor, Sean Aston, or whoever the fuck it is,

Sean Aston, he comes so close to licking the blood.

Yep.

And he's 100% ready to do the cut.

Somebody like a director out of frame was like, stop, stop, stop.

That's been done.

It's salty and gross.

Don't do it.

Salty and gross.

You watch the actor be like, oh, okay.

Look, there aren't many good things about drama school, but one of the benefits of drama school is at some point someone gets Ben Nai in their mouth and you go,

oh, God.

There was a really bloody

horror play that we did at one point.

And we did, they did like where we met.

Oh,

no, I was talking about college.

Fuck me.

Jesus.

No, the blood was made.

No, the blood was made out of pine saw, you guys.

That's what I'm trying to get to.

And it did not taste good.

You were not supposed to put it in your mouth, but it did eventually get everywhere.

Cool.

So, yeah, now it's sucked.

Hey, a follow-up question.

When did you start fucking hating me in our marriage?

Why does this always happen when we're on this show?

Great question.

Hey, how does it happen?

Great question.

Great question.

Hey, I'd like to say that I think both of you are doing some thought distortions,

if I'm being honest.

This episode just turns into therapy with me.

That's going to go badly.

Like all, like all podcasts.

All right.

So now they're sneaking around the house looking for Isabel.

Yeah.

And he's like, do you think it was right here?

And she's like, what do you want from me?

I'm seven years old.

Yeah.

She's sassy.

She gets really sassy.

Kill Carl the Puga Peckicorn in this moment.

Yeah.

There's also this moment, like, why are they keeping this to a two-man operation?

Like, if I got woken up by a child,

covered in blood, and they said they saw someone get injured it would be time for everyone in the house to wake up right first thing i'm going to is her parents and then i can't emphasize this enough everyone else all the other adults and the police everybody yeah so they make their way up to the attic right and the attic seems to have um

an iron maiden in it and a set of stalks yeah Yeah, these guys get freaky.

They tried other kinks before they settled on dolls.

Yeah, this is a puppet attic for sure i was like wow this attic's full of torture equipment and i was like oh this attic's full of fucking torture equipment this is for the the really dark needs they have about puppets and they have this moment right where like for a second you see that isabel in the background right she's in the background and something has happened to her her face is a doll face now right her face turned into a blow-up doll right yeah they've turned her into into one of said fuck dolls but the funniest thing is like we don't get the revelation where the characters turn around and see that.

What happens instead is that Ralph trips over some dolls and falls down the stairs.

So, so far, the ability of the killer is mainly trip-based, mainly like what you do, your friend by the pool.

Yeah.

You know, right, yeah.

Like, one crouches behind and the other shoves over the top.

Yeah.

Multiple to get a battering ram, dragging around.

Still firmly in the shenanigans.

Honestly, it's not dissimilar to what Madge does to me on a daily basis.

Yeah.

Exactly.

So it's like we know you were.

I think the dolls are just, you know, building it slowly, right?

Sure.

Also, I think they might be thinking Ralph could be an ally about Puppet Kink because a lot of the stuff we've learned about him so far is that, you know, he has similar interests.

So they're like, well, we'll trip him down the stairs for now, fuck with him and see what happens.

We're not going to kill this guy yet.

Right?

Yeah.

A tremendous amount of this movie will be the dolls not being sure who they should kill next.

Yeah.

There's, yeah, it gets pretty courtroom drama about that.

Yeah, it does.

We won't get into it now because we don't want to spoil it.

Right.

So finally, after Ralph has tripped, that was apparently the straw.

So now they go to wake up the parents and tell the other British girl that Isabel is missing.

And Enid is the other British girl.

She's the one who wasn't so sure that she wanted to steal.

They come, they tell her, hey, Isabelle is missing.

And she immediately accuses ralph in this very hoikey-doikey dolls have come to life horror movie of raping and murdering isabel yeah it's a pretty wild tonal shift i gotta say it really is and then rosemary and dad immediately are like are you our kid by the way also now that i think about it

And he's like, stop yelling crazy ideas.

Everybody's just yelling that I'm like a murder rapist.

I'm not any of that.

What are you talking about?

I gotta say.

I told you just now about what was happening.

Yeah.

Yeah, the fact that you were hanging out alone with my six-year-old daughter does not bode well for you.

I feel like I should kill you as a safety precaution.

And they're like, Isabel, you motherfucking asshole for running off and bullshit.

And then he's, then he takes the doll and she runs off.

Yeah.

Just running away from him.

I'm like, these, honestly, there is blood everywhere.

A girl's missing.

Someone just got accused of rape and murder.

But I think the worst thing here is the parenting skills.

Yeah.

The worst thing is the parent.

But so yeah.

So dad, he's so mad about all this that he chases Judy off, right?

That's what Anna was just talking about.

He chases Judy off.

Okay, this is, this leads to like, I think, one of my favorite moments in the movie.

One of my favorite.

This is exactly what I was setting up, Heathan, right?

You're going exactly there.

Yes.

Because he's holding Punch hostage, right?

She like hides from him and he's like, oh, I'm going to rip Punch apart.

And he gets bitten.

And then Punch stands up.

And let me say.

This is a perfect movie, obviously.

Obviously.

But if I have a crazy billionaire remake, if you just put the opening, whoa, ho ho

from everybody was kung fu fighting over the moment where punch stands up to fuck up dad

this is my favorite movie let me say i wrote in my notes if this guy's about to get the shit beat out of him by a doll in protection of a little girl i'm extremely in and spoiler alert that's what's gonna

happen it's not funny

but it is what happened dad also yeah so like you said dad does kind of a hostage thing he's like okay I'm going to tear off a limb from Mr.

Punch the doll once a minute until you come out, Judy, like a hostage thing.

And then he tries to do it to like back up his threat, and he can't rip Mr.

Punch like a proud boy trying to rip the Antifa sign.

It's the best.

He even holds him over a candle and he can't won't light on fire.

It's amazing.

That was my favorite failed attempt is when he holds it over the candle.

He's like, ow, ow, hurt me.

I'm also here.

But then the other dolls pop out for the fight.

And I wanted one doll to just be like, shoot the hostage, kill dad.

And of course, Kung Fu fighting playing.

Yeah.

So now Ralph is running off to find Gabriel.

He opens the door.

He finds Gabriel apparently standing still and clothed in the dark.

Super chill.

And he's like, yeah, someone got killed.

There was blood all over the floor.

And he's like, oh, no, no, no.

That was just paint.

Oh.

Yeah, I spilled paint.

Hillary will be so cross because he does not have an accent right

and this is the weird thing right ralph should then say oh well one of your other guests think i raped and murdered her and the other guest is now chasing his daughter around with the intent to harm her but he's just like oh paint slaps himself in the forehead like he should have had a v8 and heads back to bed

So this is where Judy and Ralph reconvene.

He's like, oh, it was just paint.

And she's like, oh, I don't think it's paint.

I think this is part of the longest night in the world.

And this is what I was talking about earlier, where he like tries to explain that that was just a creepy character in a horror movie speaking metaphorically.

But then they have this insane interaction.

He gets down on Judy's level and gently strokes her hair, which I did not care for.

No, no.

And he says, Judy, do you know something I don't know?

And then Punch, the doll.

Yes, the doll podcast listener speaks and goes, You know what I'm talking about.

And no one in the movie will acknowledge it for the rest of the film.

Well, also, like, he already knows it's not, it's blood because he says, I'm cleaning the blood off of my leg when she first gets in there.

Like, he, I think he's just like grasping at reality.

Yeah.

Grasping at it.

Well, I, I think Mr.

Punch, he says, deep down inside, you know what to do about all this, this situation.

I think Mr.

Punch is a good guy.

I think what he was doing is saying, like, deep down, you know what justice is.

You got to kill a Supreme Court justice.

You got to do it.

That is the rev.

Legal version of that.

You're not the, you're not the

hero Gotham needs.

It's what Mr.

Punch said.

It's what Mr.

What we are saying is that's what Mr.

Punch said.

Tree of Liberty, Mr.

Punch gets it.

Watered with the blood of Mr.

Punch.

I've always said that.

Anti-puppet tyrants.

That's what he's talking about.

I think he's making a good point.

Yeah, exactly.

So now it's time for Rosemary to die.

She's painting her nails in bed when the dolls just attack her with knives.

I just got to say, nobody in this movie actually seems to sleep because so far they've been apparently in bed for like an hour, but so far nobody's actually done any in-bed stuff except they've been reading.

They've been painting their nails.

They've been drinking a whole fucking carafe of wine.

I'm out in like...

30 seconds once I'm horizontal.

Yeah.

Everyone in this movie went to the my wife's school of lying in bed.

Honestly, it makes more sense why she's so grumpy

because she hasn't been doing any sleeping.

She hasn't been doing any sleeping.

Yeah.

So she has this really long, drawn-out fight with these dolls.

There's a lot of things that happen in this scene that I have questions about.

The saw guys?

So, first of all, there are two dolls that are in, like, they have the like back and forth old-timey lumber saws.

So here's the thing that's always the problem in doll movies, right?

Which is that you, as we intimated in the original doodly-doo of this episode, you are stronger than dolls.

Yes.

Right.

So even if a doll had a knife, I'd just be like, flick, you're the size of a baby.

I think these are demon dolls that have extra strength.

Well, that's the thing.

If they have extra strength, you need to demonstrate it, right?

So the thing, like small soldiers.

They use a saw.

There's one that bit her and bit a chunk out of her.

So they're like raccoons.

Right, but it bites a doll mouth-sized chunk out of her.

One of them has a full-size knife and sticks it in her back.

Yes.

If a raccoon came up and had opposable thumbs and was holding a fucking knife, which they do, it could kill you.

And they could.

Eli, you are a doll truther and I don't like it.

We're tired of it.

But yeah, she, she's just, they're stabbing her.

They're trying to cut off her feet.

Do you think the dolls should have had a bit longer of a, you know, like a strategy meeting before this attack?

Absolutely.

The saw guys, when they did a wrap-up meeting, someone needed to yell at the saw guys and be like, hey, Chris, Alex, I love your energy.

I know you're really excited to saw off people's hands.

Did you see us do the saw with the lumberjack one with the both of us?

I need you to, first of all, I have the speaking stick.

Second of all, sorry, sorry, sorry.

No, no, go, go, go, go.

I need you to wait until people are dead to saw their feet off.

Oh,

it's just distracting, if anything.

Okay.

But guys, these dolls are so organized.

They're behind her.

They're in front of her.

They're everywhere she turns.

They fully pull off like a full-on Jurassic Park style Dionysus attack.

Like, by the way, Dionycus are the actual velociraptors,

what you consider Velociraptors.

Dinosaur nerd.

We don't need one and only fans.

Dianonicus.

The dinosaur nerds in our audience are so fucking happy right now.

Yeah, you're welcome.

For the normies who had friends growing up, she means the velociraptors.

They are not velociraptors.

There's Dionycus, and they just, and I'm sorry, he took the name Velociraptor and put it on another dinosaur because he thought Velociraptor sounded better.

But Velociraptors are just like chickens the size of your pug.

Like they, they did nothing.

They were scavengers.

They did not like fight like this.

Dionycus will fucking like either side, wolf attack style, surround you with before you, like they're, they're, they're, yeah.

I feel like Anna's.

I feel like Anna's told you this so many times and you're just not a lot.

Yeah, a lot of times.

And then she passed those genes down to my son and he flaps when he's excited.

Hey, now

everybody flaps when they're excited.

A lot of the people listening to the podcast.

He's like a little Velociraptor.

He's like a little Velociraptor.

He is very much like a little Velociraptor.

He went through a biting face and everything.

But I have to talk about the end of this fight scene because it is so incredible.

They're stabbing her.

They're poking her.

They're trying to cut her legs off.

So in order to escape, she

jumps over their heads out the second story window.

And my question for you, fellow podcasters, is, was that their plan?

Or does she jump out the window?

And then we don't get a scene where the dolls are like, oh.

Wait.

All right.

Well.

Do you think the actor just did an improv dive out a window?

Oh, no.

Sorry.

I meant, was that the doll's plan?

Was it the doll's plan?

Not Jack Nicholson, you know, fucking

hanging it on and she fell funny.

Yeah.

Eli, they immediately disappear as soon as she hits through the window.

So I think they're actually going down to finish the job.

Yeah.

I feel like they were like, okay, well, I mean, I wanted to do the lumberjack saw, but that was a freebie.

We'll just go down and figure it out, you know.

Okay, here's the thing.

Put a pin in that because there will be evidence later that there is a scene we don't see

where the dolls had to go downstairs and be like and recover the body.

All right, let's uh fucking get ah, God, I wish we were

gonna just get like one normal guy.

Where are the saw guys now?

Now we could absolutely use them in pieces.

Oh, sure, now they're not fucking here.

All right, we all lift on three.

One, two, three.

Does anybody know about

anything for a ramp?

Mechanical advantage.

I fucking love this movie.

It's fantastic.

And Rosemary sucks.

And she just died.

Yeah.

She deserves it.

She deserves every second of this.

I think wherever you stand on the very important human-puppet conflict, we're all happy to see Rosemary dead.

And on that very happy note, we're going to take one more quick break.

The first, let me get back through the hard sell.

Will we all learn more about social justice?

Will there be a valuable lesson about how dolls reflect our humanity back to us?

Will we find out about the fate of the teddy bear?

Sexually speaking, find out that yes, when we return for the spooktacular conclusion of dolls.

So many adults have lost their sense of mystery, Ralph, but not you.

I can tell you still have the heart of a child.

It's true.

Man, these dolls are so cool.

Thank you, Ralph.

Thank you.

You know, it's been quite a few years since my wife and I found someone who is

Ralph.

Sorry.

Sorry.

They're just so cool.

No, no, of course.

I understand, Ralph.

The way the doll excites the imagination.

It really brings one back to it.

Help me!

I am out there.

Ralph, buddy, can you log it in?

Sorry, sorry.

Because, yeah, legit toys is one thing.

This feels like I mean, you're what 37.

Sorry, I was

listening.

Oh, oh, you were listening?

What did he say?

Said, I'm 37.

No, before.

Sorry.

Okay, you know what?

It's fine.

I just wanted to say that you have the heart of a child, and it's not something we see a lot.

Okay,

so yeah, that's it.

That's the end of the thing I'm saying.

Okay, thanks.

Can I

play with the dolls now?

Yeah, man.

Go ahead.

Nice win.

Something wrong with this guy.

Just be cool.

Garenni!

We're going to kill him.

Hey, podcast listener.

I'm Heath Henray.

And this, this is Moo Dang.

Look at her.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

I'm looking.

I'm looking.

She's so squishy.

Yeah.

So being friends with the Bosniks can be a little odd.

Oh my God.

Did you guys check out Odie the Bulldog Bulldog today?

No, show me right now.

Look at him.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Phone's like right in front of my face, like really close.

Talk around it.

Amazing.

The hat.

Anyway, yeah, yeah,

absolutely.

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Oh my God, look at this little laggy.

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mint mobile not all excellent low-cost phone service is a good thing oh man you see the video of rascal he's fat okay he's fat okay yeah no no no that bulldog's pretty fat

nope we really thought that would get a response because now i'm talking about the thing i texted you lol

great

and we're back When we left off, Rosemary got attacked by dolls and she dove out the window.

And now Enid is creeping around looking for her friend Isabel.

And then Hillary, she appears at the end of the hallway.

And Hillary is taking a baby doll for a walk with a stroller

in the dark.

This is never explained.

Right.

And at first, I thought maybe that's the Isabella doll.

It's not.

There's apparently just a doll in this house.

That's a rough sleeper.

No, it's the baby White Walker doll, actually.

Because she looks over it and its eyes are glowing blue.

And that's the only time we see it.

Right.

So again, this to me was like, at this point in the movie, the movie has established that they kill people and turn them into dolls, right?

Yeah.

So someone she killed and turned into a doll was having some trouble getting to sleep.

Yeah.

She just likes pushing this one around in a baby carriage.

Just let these people and puppets live their lives.

I think that's their lives.

I was the dead king of the north.

I feel like I would also want to be pushed around.

I mean, that's a lot of trauma to live through.

So, I mean, she is rehabilitating.

That is what we've established that this is a rehabilitation.

That's the prequel George R.R.

Martin is afraid to make.

I'd like to go for a walk in like an old-timey pram before I go to sleep.

I feel like we should make ones for adults.

Sure.

Absolutely.

Maybe that's your aftercare.

Like remote control.

Yeah.

Aftercare for when I'm by myself sexually.

Yeah.

Go on.

That's when it's most important.

He's been right.

That's when it's most important.

I think that's true.

Give your hand a high five.

I'm going to start

giving Ann myne my condolence for baby care.

Your wedding gift and your baby shower gift are going to be one and the same.

It's just about the use.

I support.

This is also one of the moments in the movie where it's definitely brought to us by big matches because she blows out the candle because she sees someone coming down the hallway and then immediately lights it again and then immediately blows it out again and then lights it again.

Yep, this is my best worst.

Yeah, there's a lot.

So this is this is Eden, Edith, Enid, Enid, right?

This is Enid, and she's going to go find Isabella.

And we see the poster of the movie at this point.

Oh, yeah, right.

We see

Isabel in the torture chair.

Isabel the doll, but she's holding her eyes with her fingers like they've just fallen out

of her of her doll sockets.

So is that just like a badly constructed doll scenario?

I don't know because she's still life-size at this point.

Also,

this kind of falls apart, but it does, I get brought right back in when she gets lassoed by Woody, like literal Woody from Toad's Toy Story.

It's an official crossover, guys.

Yeah, this is this is the Woody fight, which and she lights Woody on fire.

He dies.

Meanwhile, Punch was fireproof and Woody bursts into flames like he's been soaked in gasoline.

Yeah, they're not getting even fireproof treatments across the dolls here.

I think that's something to bring up with the old lady and old man that turned them into dolls for sure.

Yeah, definitely.

And during this doll fight, it's revealed that the dolls have demon faces under their doll faces.

Bones and flesh and organs

and skulls.

Is the idea that Gabriel creates demon dolls with like magic, but then also builds a regular doll shell over the top.

It seems like he shrinks down the body through magic somehow and then puts that in a in a doll that's pre-made because it is a pre-made doll.

Right.

Well, we actually see the process later.

This feels like a metaphor about humanity, doesn't it?

You know what I'm saying?

Oh,

take us there.

Yes.

And yeah, the fact that we're

all kind of in this mass-produced culture and we're wearing a mask but underneath Morgan don't cut these snaps we're magical

these aren't these aren't clicks these are these

i'm playing the bongos back here i'm playing the bongos back

if you think about it we're all i think this is i think there it's a good message for for us to learn from

anyway enid runs away because you know the doll's attacking her shut up i was kissing i was i felt like i left you hanging in segment one when you came with the deepness and you guys didgery do solo over here you're it up anna i have told you so many times you can't have a didgery do solo

god damn it when i get shot by a fan everyone's gonna blame you i hope you know that looking at you april when i get lass out by a woody doll get in there girl right in my head anyways So she now like fights her way through the dolls.

This is some really effective doll defense.

Like they don't cover this in Aikido.

Like, they should.

No, she's she is really invigorated in this doll fight.

She's doing well against the doll.

Steven Sedal.

Sure.

Yeah.

Aikido fight.

But then, of course, she runs up against the soldier dolls.

They have guns and they shoot her.

Now, it's the cutest firing squad.

It's a very adorable firing squad.

I'll also point out that as someone who has at least been on a film set watching this woman in a tube top have several squibs go off on her, I was aware that I was watching a snuff film, so that was very unfortunate for me.

The scream that this actor lets out is very much a fuck those squibs hurt against my bare skin scream, and not a I got shot by a doll firing squad scream.

Yeah, yeah, it works either way for the movie, for the film.

Yeah, yeah.

So the dolls, these are like toy soldiers from like the Nutcracker, right?

And they fire.

So Gabriel built either very small guns that actually work and have like full power, or is it that the demon dolls take the little fake toy gun they get and do magic, and then it works?

See, I think it was that the dolls were like, okay, what if someone knows doll Aikido, though, Aikidoll, though?

And then they were like, well, Aikidoll doesn't work on guns.

How does it feel for Anna to just come off the dome with Aikidoll when you wrote down fucking Steven Skiddaw?

I didn't write that down.

That was off the dome.

Anna's was better.

That's not the point.

You have separate notes that you hope to surprise us with.

Your puns.

You have them scroll tear-stained notebook

on your phone.

And she's just, she's just rolling them out.

Just fucking Sali Elliot and Mozart on the podcast, everybody.

Salieri?

Yeah.

Salieri.

Yeah.

Did you say that?

Like Guy Fieti?

Like an asshole.

Salially.

Yeah.

How it's pronounced in the original Italian.

Okay.

Okay.

Fucking Olive Garden.

Maybe you've heard of our good friend Cecil.

The language of his people.

Oh my God.

Akey dolls.

Awesome.

But yeah, they shoot her.

Yeah, they shoot her.

So now it's time for dad to discover Rosemary's body way too late.

So as we indicated before the break, Rosemary's body is now underneath the sheet in the bed, which means the dolls went outside down to the ground floor,

got her upstairs, dried her off, right?

Cleaned the room a little bit and covered her with a sheet in the hopes of this pop scare.

But I don't know if this was supposed to be a comedic moment or not.

He doesn't do the pop scare moment.

Yeah, he comes over.

He's like, oh, hey, oh, I guess you're already in bed.

Yeah, I'm going to get ready for bed too.

You know what?

Nah, I'm going to go take a shower.

And then they cut to a different fucking scene.

Yeah.

They edged this pop scare.

They should.

That's what I'm saying.

I was expecting this was going to turn into weekend of Bernie's.

Okay.

But like like a really weird, like another form of doll.

Yeah, exactly.

A really upsetting one.

Yeah.

So now Judy is bringing Ralph over to the doll room where she's been hearing the giggles coming from and where she thinks Isabella is.

Yes, the gremlin closet.

Right.

The gremlin closet.

Exactly.

And this is where Ralph says one of his weird lines in the movie.

He says, with my luck, it's probably a lost tribe of pygmies.

Yeah, you gotta love that

80s casual racism.

Not just that, but also, why would that be worse than living dolls?

Yeah, very confusing.

I wanted him to open up the room and they're like, hey, we're pygmies.

What did you mean by that just now?

What was that?

The murder dolls are in the next room over, but that was kind of fucked up.

Just, you know, culturally insensitive.

That's not okay.

Just so you know, that actually started as like a really racist term.

Yeah.

A lot of history there.

Just like Google the things you say, Ralph.

Yeah.

You're playing with dolls.

You're playing with us.

But yeah.

So they go in the room.

The dolls are all there.

They have this like moment where it seems like they're going to try to communicate with the dolls.

And then he's very surprised that the dolls all turn to look at him.

Punch talks to him in the last scene.

Yes.

Again, he's acting as though he has not already spoken to one of the dolls.

But he just starts.

kicking them.

Yeah.

Fuck all the dolls, the adults in this movie.

Fuck all of them.

Literally fuck all the adults.

Yeah.

And the dolls twisted to him, which is fabulous, right?

Yes.

And And then they don't kill him, right?

I was like, oh, they're going to kill Ralph.

That's kind of sad because Ralph was kind of like the good guy.

This seems a little bit inconsistent, right?

They tie him up like they tie him up.

And then they turn to Judy and are like, he fucking started it.

And we have this insane scene where Judy's like, the dolls are having a team meeting about the disciplinary action that they think is appropriate for your actions earlier today.

And he's like, oh, no, that's fair.

That's fair.

Whatever they decide.

Meanwhile, they're actually talking in doll, which apparently Judy understands, which sounds exactly, exactly like my son's 1949 version of like the little engine that could.

Yes.

I had the exact same.

And she's like, oh, they're saying that they might kill you.

They're just that one really would like to.

And then that was like, ooh, we'll eat tonight.

It's like this movie turned into like, what's the hostage movie about the cruise ship?

Speed 2?

Captain Phillips.

Captain Phillips.

It turned into Captain Phillips.

Pause 2.

Really crazy.

Pause.

everything.

Yes.

Pause everything.

My darling.

C2 cruise control.

Bethesda.

My darling.

My bride.

Mother of my son.

Do you think Captain Phillips was about a cruise ship?

It was about a cruise ship being taken over by pirates.

Not a cruise ship, Cargo.

It wasn't a cruise ship.

You thought that the fucking carnival cruise got overtaken by Somali pirates?

Do you think people were in the middle of going to Dolphin Bay and Disney, Long Island, and then they got overtaken by Somali pirates?

And the Navy had to shoot them all in the head within the same millisecond.

Oh my God.

That's

there was just a lady by the buffet trying to get her drink tickets in.

I know that this is a serious moment, but they said all you can drink.

Why aren't we paid to speed too?

Look at me.

What's the matter?

I am in the captain's table now.

All right.

Those are all the cruise ship jokes I had, everybody.

So upstairs, right?

Yeah, it cuts back upstairs.

He cuts back upstairs.

Two weekend at Bernie's.

Yeah, where he finally discovers the corpse.

He gets tangled in her corpse for a while.

He first fondles her for a little bit.

Yeah.

Like he fondles her for a little bit, and then she turns around.

It's like she grabs him or something.

The dead body like rolls over somehow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's supposed to be that he discovers it, but he very clearly this actress just like grabs his shoulder.

And so he spends a lot of time doing like a, get off me.

It's not great.

And then he has a really, he has a moment he screams i'll kill him because of course he for some reason thinks this is ralph again he thinks ralph did this he's like he yells i know it why would that be the assumption

it has the same vibe as disappointed

yeah and then he's gonna go on a rampage he's like

ralph did this ralph murder he's gonna go try kill kill sean aston when we're when you're trying to you okay gentlemen bring it in when you are trying to find a murder weapon on the fly

and you look around your house full of anticues and you think,

oh,

I shall leave this fire poker.

Break a chair, use the leg.

Oh, yeah, break a chair, use.

There you go.

You know what?

You know, can I be honest?

Hang on my face.

Right now, I looked around and I was like, triple-A battery shit.

Okay.

Well, that's, what am I doing with this?

This is an interesting way for you to find out you're not going to make it if you ever see anything by Sweatson.

but i have two this is actually guys the movie's actually good because this is actually a call forward he breaks the leg off of a chair and then holds it like a bat right

like what punch the doll usually oh you think this was a punch and judy reference yeah he's got a bat he doesn't actually use it later it's a bat guys this movie is a good movie a la punch sorry punch and judy sorry sorry what

he break he breaks the it breaks the chair leg and uses it like a bat.

Right.

His weapon is a bat.

And that is a literary allusion to Punch and Judy.

To Punch Later having a bat in the movie.

Okay.

Well, no, to no, it was too subtle for me.

You know, it's like, really?

Man must have a place to be.

I mean, this character, if you think about where this character ends up, that makes a lot of sense.

It does.

Tied together.

Great movie.

Great movie.

Rob for an Oscar.

So he goes, he heads off to kill.

So now we're back in the doll closet with Ralph and Judy, and the dolls have made a decision that they're allowed to leave.

Yeah, they have a quick little whisper fight about whether Ralph can be on the team or not.

And then they're like, yeah, you know,

you're going to go.

And then

Judy translates.

She's like, yeah, yeah, they said you're cool.

Ralph, you're good.

I talked to the dolls, and they're going to let you go.

They're not.

pleased with you yeah but that's when dad shows up to kill ralph dad shows up to kill ralph and ralph of course explains the plot of the movie.

He's like, no, no, no.

The dolls are killing people.

And he's like, oh, I don't believe you.

I think you murdered my wife.

And he's like, yeah,

that is a real thing.

And I just said a fake thing.

So I can understand where you're coming from.

I feel like at the point where the dolls, where Judy learns to speak doll, is where Ralph,

the human, the actor, stops playing the movie.

It's like, this is dumb.

This whole thing is dumb.

Fuck all of you.

Yeah, Ralph

runs out of the movie.

Like he's hunting down Ralph, but he manages to escape the movie.

So dad just randomly starts smashing stuff.

And now, again, I can't emphasize enough to you, podcast listener.

I wrote as a joke, where is the final standoff between Punch and Dad?

It's here.

It's at this point in the movie.

Punch rises to his feet as though he is going to say, I didn't hear no bell.

Okay, yeah.

So Punch saves Ralph by shooting his doll dart.

he has a blow dart gun yeah that he fires his little thing was a blow dart the whole time yeah he fires a dart into into dad's hand right as dad's about to hit ralph then a bunch of the other dolls drag ralph off the battlefield like they're fucking they're done it's awesome yeah but they go back and forth but but punch loses yeah punch loses and he smashes punch and he doesn't have a body inside yeah he's just a doll he's just a doll so he smashes punch it's very sad what do you think think that means that he didn't have a demon inside?

Because all the other ones do.

It means that it had that the transformation hasn't happened yet.

Oh, okay.

So I interpreted this as punch being

a pure spirit.

Guys, I just had a flashback to my opening English classes in college, and I need to be stoned and trying to fuck everybody.

I don't know how that, I just, hey, I just need you to know that's what my needs are.

Do whatever you got to do.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm right upstairs, baby.

Thank you.

I'm right across into Michigan.

412.

But yeah, so dad smashes Punch with a giant hammer that he just had that's not really like the right size or theme for any of the dolls, which bothered me.

But then we see that there's no demon inside.

There's nothing inside him yet.

I interpreted this as Mr.

Punch being like an actual pure soul doll.

Interesting.

But a lot of the other dolls are criminals who got caught by Gabriel and Hillary and were like turned into dolls.

I interpreted this as the doll is an empty vessel that longs to be used as a rehabilitation, sort of like thing.

It is

to fulfill their destiny.

An instrument waiting for its musician, if you will.

Exactly.

A you are waiting to be filled.

Poetic.

Beautiful.

That's where the podcast ends.

Before he hammer smashes in, he says probably one of the buck wildest lines of the movie, which is

fuck you, clownie.

That's right.

It's pretty fantastic.

So the old couple walk in on this and they're like, hey, not nice.

And he calls the old lady a witch and she's like, yep, I'm a witch.

And it's like, it's too, it's way too, this movie has four seconds left in it.

You cannot establish that you're a witch now.

Okay, but it's been established the whole fucking time.

He's like, wait, hold on, witches.

And they're like, dude, fucking duh.

What are you talking about?

You just got attacked by dolls.

By a doll.

He's like, I thought that was maybe a race thing.

You know what?

Never mind.

You're a witch, right?

So no, what were you going to say?

You thought it was...

Did you say race?

What?

What?

So they give him this whole lecture, right?

And there's this absolutely hilarious moment that happens in the middle of the lecture.

And again, correct me if I'm wrong.

The old man, Gabriel, is in the middle of doing like a, the thing about parents is they must learn to love their children.

And while he's giving his dramatic, what you should have learned from this horror movie monologue, Hillary comes over with the broken doll and sort of does like, this is, this is broken.

And he has to turn to her and he's like, I'm gonna, hey, I'm gonna fix that in a second.

I'm just focus up.

I'm in the middle of doing sort of my final thing before I turn a man into a doll.

I'm doing my big speech.

Do you mind not interrupting me?

And she's like, I think the house is gonna fall down.

And he's like, okay, well, why don't we talk about it?

I mean, can we talk about it later?

How dare you?

How dare you?

How much flood insurance do we have?

We have lice.

Can we get a guy to come and lift the basement and then probably not kill himself, but like fix the situation?

Go through about, yeah, no, go ahead.

Go through about like 10 more of my anxieties.

Eli, go right ahead.

Go right ahead.

I think, yeah, she's like, oh, yeah.

Every time I leave a party and I'm having a fun time, I just think of what a fucking fool I've been the entire time.

He's doing it in the middle of his life.

Honestly, if she had popped Alexa Pro after that,

the actor playing Hillary is fantastic.

Like, I genuinely enjoyed her performance.

I love her.

I love, yeah.

I mean, to be fair, Eli pointed this out later, but that old couple is my parents.

100% your parents.

At one point in my notes, I don't remember where I put it.

Hey, it can't be my parents because the guy has volume control.

Has that volume control?

Yeah.

Not exactly.

And I don't know that that actor hates me.

So there's a lot of differences.

At one point in my notes, I literally wrote, oh, Anna, I should explain.

This is a horror movie.

People aren't supposed to act like that.

But yeah, he's like, stop interrupting me.

She wanders off.

Zaker likes a pro.

And he turns dad into a punch doll.

No, he doesn't do that.

Actually, the Bastion punch has created a vacuum to like suck his soul into it.

So,

wait, what?

I missed that.

No, that's not what happened.

Did you make that up?

No.

Well, as soon as he does, as soon as the punch doll is like, he doesn't do anything to like turn him into it.

He's not like putting his hands out and going, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, or whatever.

I think the fact that it lacks a magic gesture doesn't mean that he isn't the one.

I'm saying he smashed punch with the bat and then therefore is turning into punch.

Oh,

because he is starting to turn into punch.

And by the way, it sounds

the bones.

It's supposed to sound like cracking bones, but it honestly sounds like the most satisfying back crack in the world.

It's like,

you know, like, you know, like when you get a really good one.

such

honestly i think this is not a christian film but i think it's a pro-chiropractor film so it does it's pseudoscience it's pseudoscience yeah and it's got some uh asmr properties in a good way yeah definitely definitely definitely definitely yeah yeah so he's turning into punch and the makeup on his face makes him look like og no sveratu life-size punch by which we mean uncomfortably anti-semitic right and the plight of the vampire is very similar to the plight of a doll societally Yeah, very much so.

So yeah, they do a sitcom.

So the couple look at each other after they've turned him into punch.

They do a sitcom laugh about killing a man and turning him into a doll.

And then the next morning, they wake up Ralph and Judy to tell them that it was all a dream.

Yeah.

They gaslight Ralph and Judy with like a whole story.

And I think that's the right thing to do.

with the child involved, right?

Interesting.

Right.

Like take me there.

So Gabriel makes up a story about how like, all right, well, Gabriel knows knows mom and dad are actually dead or stepmom and dad are dead so he makes up a story and he's like yeah so your dad and your stepmom they uh they took off they left a note though to explain and he takes out a blank piece of paper and ad-libs

right dear judy we love you very much

we've decided that you'd have a happier life in boston with your mother we've gone on without you but there's enough money here that you could go on and go back to boston and live with your mother yeah and then quite rightly ralph who's fucking over this movie, is like, oh, yeah.

What am I supposed to do?

Where the girls

are?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah, there's a P.S.

The girls also, we took the girls.

Bye.

That was funny.

Okay.

I want to be clearer.

Anna's not joking.

He literally takes the paper back and goes, P.S., the girls are also here and they're fine.

Yeah.

And then Sean Aston jumps in again.

He's like, but okay, so I'm just like stuck here.

And he's like, PSS, I'm still reading from the note in the fire.

You get money for a flight home too, it said.

Don't interrupt.

In the note.

The tone that Sean asked actually is like, oh, yeah, he didn't seem like that generous of a guy.

You sure?

What am I supposed to say?

He didn't seem like the kind of guy who would abandon his child with a stranger and tell him to take him back to Boston.

Well, yeah, man.

The alternative is that I'm going to turn you into a fucking doll.

So how about you get in the goddamn car?

Yeah.

I think this is all ethical from Gabriel and Hillary.

Yeah.

Given what's already happened.

I mean, absolutely.

Given, you know, the whole thing, actually, now.

Yeah.

It's a way more ethical prison system.

It's rehabilitation.

Yeah.

Agreed.

And that's the movie.

I mean, there is a very, very short scene at the end where the.

No, wait.

Pop scare.

Teddy's been sitting in the car.

I'm so sorry.

Yes.

Teddy's been there.

Yes.

Right.

And she's like, yeah, he's my bear.

But I think he'd be happier here.

And she gives him to the We Fuck Dolls couple.

Oh, they're fucking that bear right.

Yeah, man.

It's a gift.

Yeah, it's a gift.

Hell of a gift.

And honestly, Teddy, I think Teddy's into it.

Teddy's, Teddy's super, super.

Oh, yeah, no, for sure.

100% sure.

He's found his home.

Yeah.

And then they finally drive away, Ralph and Judy, into the sunset.

And she's like, Do you want, do you want to be my daddy?

Yeah.

Do you want to fuck my mom?

She offers up her hot mom in almost those exact words.

Do you want to fuck my mom?

Yep.

Fuck him.

I'm fucking hot in Boston.

I'm pregnant.

And last shot of the scene before the credits, shot of the movie, last shot of the movie before the credits is all of the characters as dolls in their outfits on the mantelpiece.

And they look at each other.

Which means that this whole time, the outfit that you're wearing when you die is shrunk down into the doll.

Oh, I didn't even think about that.

Which means that the previous people who stayed here are like a fucking cowboy right a cowboy

clown like the fucking circus came through town a lot of victorian children a lot of victorian children so many victorian children

oh and then last thing we see another car getting stuck outside the mansion

the cycle begins again Okay, I read that the makers of this movie want a sequel for real.

They want to make

another story where Judy and

how much money do they need?

They can have it.

They can have it.

Yeah.

I will raise it.

It's going to be set back in Boston, and Judy's living with her Boston mom and Ralph, who get married.

And then a mysterious package comes, and it's from England, and it's a punch doll.

And that's like the beginning of the next movie.

Oh, God.

Hey, man, what's happening right now?

Is this you just winging it?

Or did you read this somewhere?

You don't know.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

No, I actually did read that.

I actually.

I thought you, Heath, and Wright were like, oh, these people want to make a sequel.

And I was like, haha, fun joke.

And then you were like, so here's my idea.

Shut up.

Everyone, shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

My elevator pitch.

No, that's real.

Kickstarters in the movie.

And we should start a Kickstarter.

Yes.

Into it.

Into it.

Okay, I will make dolls too, but only if I could be the face of Fat Doll in the opening.

So

I would like you to be several other characters as well.

I would like to make a change to your thing.

I think Punch should show up, but with the bear doll, and they're actually like a happy couple now.

Like if you realize that the reason

he was unhappy before is that he hadn't come out of the closet.

Oh, I like that too.

Yeah.

Nice.

Teddy and Punch, baby.

Doll me by your name.

All right.

So final question.

Oh, boy.

Do you think this movie helped with positive representation of puppet kink in the world?

I think it did.

That'll be my answer.

I mean, if we're talking the kink,

if we're talking the kink scene, I feel like there wasn't a lot of consent given to being like forced into the body of a doll.

Oh, okay.

Let me clarify my answer really quick since you said that.

He doesn't care about consent, everybody.

They're not.

The dolls aren't alive in my answer but oh okay yes i i suppose there is like a human living aspect i mean they did straight up murder like two girls that were pretty much innocent one that was definitely innocent that was just trying to find a friend they were both stealing Wow, he was murdering young women.

Oh, yikes are my rights.

I don't know if you guys realize this.

She had a cross earring.

So she was.

She did.

So it's a Christian movie.

So it's a Christian movie.

It is that.

All right.

Well, I think that is going to wrap it up for the very important political commentary called Dolls.

But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie.

Eli, what's on deck?

After the death of his father, a man and his two daughters inherit the family farm.

His father's last wish was for them to care for his animals.

However, the transition is fraught with challenges.

We're headed back to the Wright Family Farm for Hillock Haunting.

Oh, fuck yes.

This is the right family.

This is fun.

Wright family, baby.

Yes.

All right.

Damn, I never get the goal.

This was amazing.

I got dolls, which is an amazing movie.

Okay.

Well, with another amazing movie to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 478 to a merciful close.

Huge thanks to Anna for joining us.

Anna, you got any cool stuff going on you want to announce?

Oh, yeah, I got some cool things in the works, but not ready to announce.

I'm good.

Oh, you do?

That's right.

I was like, why did you say that?

Yeah, that's cool.

Okay, but it's a secret.

Everybody, you will find out.

You will find out about it soon.

There may be things coming down the pipe.

There might be some things and some stuff.

Things and some stuff.

Mysterious.

From Anna.

From me.

All right.

Curiosity peaked for everybody.

But until then, I do have an album.

It's called The Ring.

It's on all the streaming services.

Go enjoy it.

Excellent album.

Check it out.

It's not the scary movie.

A lot of people buy the scary movie and then they're like, do they?

Do a lot of people do that?

Do a lot of people do that?

The ring by Anna Bostick.

Yeah.

And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity.

If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful, and that'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, The Skepticrat, and Dnd D Minus, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For Anna and Eli, I'm Heath.

Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes.

Gabriel and Hillary were very relieved that Little Judy only ever stumbled on the animated children's toys that they had stored around the house.

That couple had an Iron Maiden and stocks in the attic.

You know they got freaky.

Speaking of which,

Gabriel Hillary and Teddy is a different type of movie.

Weird Witch couple went on to run the Stife Bear Stand at our old job,

where they were way, way more creepy.

Oh my God.

I know you don't get that because you're not us, but I promise it's a great job.

I won this one.

Oh, she beat you.

I beat you all.

Oh, you did.

You can't go until I stopped talking.

I feel like she went.

Yeah.

Well, now if we do a, you can't go until I stop talking.

Can't you just sneak down there while you're like, and another thing,

I can't go until I stop talking either.

So everyone, so everyone is poised.

You guys, you could technically just have your initial down there and then just scroll up to the top and you'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm already down there.

Anna's the Bill Belichick of this game that we're playing.

That's right.

Yeah.

Guys,

get your head in the game.

I delete interstitial ones sometimes to leave them lost and wondering.

So you're already cheating.

There you go.

All right, cool.

Cool.

I feel better now.

One, two,

three,

four.

Market.

Five.

Melton.

All right.

Go ahead and mute Eli for the rest of the day.

For the rest of the podcast.

I'm sorry, Morgan.

This is a two-hander, everybody.

This one's going to be a two-hander.

Five.

I was early on four.

I'm so sorry.

I'm I'm so sorry.

One.

Moo Day.

I was like, I'm going to give it a second.

Somebody's going to say Moo Deck.

Right when I started.

Mailed him.

You want to lock it in?

Yeah.

Okay.

Locking it in.

Jesus.

DraftKings ad starting now for real.

It's a great movie.

Sure is.

Eli, do you agree?

No.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2024.

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