479: Hillock Haunting

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The candles were actually a cover.

They're like, oh, we'll just say it's white candle wax.

Yeah.

Come everywhere.

Yes, that is what I was saying.

Do you mean come?

Yes,

ejaculate.

Yes.

Come was the thing I was.

You're welcome.

Opening argument.

God-awful

movie

movies.

Welcome back to God-Awful Movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

I'm your host, Teeth Enright, and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnik.

Eli, how's it going, buddy?

Wright Family Horror-thon.

Let's do this, baby.

Sure is.

Very exciting.

And we also have two all-star veterans, Lydia and Thomas of the Where There's Woke podcast, among many other things.

Lydia, Thomas, welcome back.

Opening arguments is the name of the other podcast that people still know that I have back.

I have opening arguments myself.

It's all me now.

I have it.

It's all the Tito.

It's been gaveled.

Every day I'll see someone being like, oh, what?

What's happening with that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because you guys censor me every time I come on here.

I'm going to shout opening arguments throughout this thing.

What are you doing today?

It's your new catchphrase.

Opening arguments.

Just working in subtly, like those branding things people try to do on TikTok.

It was like when I was listening to that podcast, what was it?

Opening arguments the other day.

And I was haunted by a spirit.

Anyway, this movie.

All right.

Yeah.

This movie.

Let's do it.

Lydia.

what movie are we going to be breaking down today?

Oh, my God.

This is my first Wright family film, folks.

I never want to do this ever again.

This is

2024's brand new, hot off the presses, hillock haunting.

And it's so bad.

And yeah.

I am going to leave no.

Yeah.

This is a prolific filmmaking family.

It really is.

They make like four or five movies a year.

You couldn't tell.

They're the coppolas of the Christian movie world.

I've always said that about them because their movies are bad.

All right.

And Thomas, as I understand it, this would be your first experience with the Wright family films as well.

How did you enjoy your entree into their body of work?

It's hard to believe because I think you're right, but I also, in a way, I feel like I've always known them.

I had no idea that the singer from Metallica and Miley Cyrus got cloned way too many times.

And then someone also dropped dropped some meth into the cloning machine, like while it was cloning.

And then like five clones down, the resulting, I guess you could call them people, started making home movies together with the, I guess you could call them children that they spawned.

And I didn't know any of this existed, but now I love it.

So I enjoyed this so much.

It's this fun to watch movies had, yes, genuine laugh out loud moments that I don't want to spoil.

Like there's crap that Lydia and I have been laughing at all day.

Like we just keep saying it's so good i

love this movie it's like if npcs from a playstation one game made a movie made a movie together yeah the whole dialogue is literally npcs from playstation maybe two i'll give them two they're all just walking into the same bench and not moving yeah slipping in and out of walls and then being like I enjoy reading.

I'm going to go to the room now and read.

It's like when you play a point-and-click adventure and they repeat the same thing over and over again to let you know, like, okay, you've talked to that character enough times.

All of those characters got to that point, and then they made a movie together.

That's amazing.

Let me know when you find my wife's necklace, right?

But they just all I laughed out loud in the very first scene by myself.

That's great.

Five Clones Down is the name of my three doors down cover bandit.

We're playing this Thursday at the JCC.

All right, Eli, elaborate a little bit more.

How bad was this movie?

Well, if you love your favorite Christian horror movie, Dynasty the Rights, but you wish their movies were interrupted by all the cute animal videos I texted,

you will love this movie.

This is also my best worst.

It's fucking incredible.

We'll talk about it.

All right.

Is there anything y'all would like to nominate this movie for being the best at being the worst at?

I'll jump in.

Best, worst, pro-donkey propaganda.

Yeah.

There's this interesting pro-donkey, like,

I think one of the kids is like, people don't talk enough about donkeys and how great they are.

And their magic.

And she tries to, yeah, first off, they've written in some spiritual donkey magic that we'll get to.

But also, there's just like general, like, good donkey facts in there.

Did you know that donkeys are, and you're just like, what?

Is this an advertisement for donkeys?

So, yeah.

Kind of.

I can share that information later.

One of the right girls definitely has the tism, is risen them with the tism, but isn't a horse girl because they can't afford to be a horse girl.

So she's a donkey girl instead.

They got the Kirkland signature horses, which is.

Exactly.

That's exactly right.

I think this is the best, worst Zillow listing.

It is so clear.

They are trying to set up to sell their farm someday, and they're just giving us this ridiculous tour around the entire time.

And it's really bad.

Yeah, it seems like they got this shitty farm in real life and wrote the movie around it so they could like use it and off something or whatever.

Yeah.

Well, there's very little movie besides the farm.

So that's pretty easy to do.

Yeah.

All right.

I'm going to go with best worst.

Fuck it.

Just cut the audio.

There's like nine moments in this movie where they're just like, yeah, we're not using audio.

It's expensive.

We'll save the money on the MP3 file or whatever.

I don't know.

It's just out completely for no reason.

Buckle up, everyone.

I was going to say, get into Smith family divorces.

Oh,

as I understand it, y'all figured something out.

As I experienced it, it was just like something.

horrible happened in their recording and they were like, we have to cut whatever that was.

Podcast listener, what you're about to hear is so reflective of the four four human beings on this podcast it is

chef's kiss delicious thomas please okay so what did you figure out you don't even know

so i started watching this movie before thomas and i was like all right i'm gonna be prepared and i think i saw that it was on amazon prime and so i was like all right i'm gonna go to amazon prime and i paid three dollars to rent this movie i get the most cursed text just rent because i was busy and she started early i get a text that's like don't hate me

It was always a good start in a marriage.

Okay, don't the right family's getting extra cheese on the pizza one night, thanks to Lydia.

She's like,

I accidentally gave these people money.

I was fucking Jesus.

What?

And, but here's the thing.

This turned out to be amazing.

It was the best $3 we've ever spent because then we were watching it on Amazon because we started to watch it on YouTube and the audio problem you talked about happened.

We're like, what the fuck?

We thought it was us.

We're like, did the TV, I don't know.

I knew it wasn't us because I had already watched that part at the very beginning and i was like there's there's supposed to be sound here i know what the what the kinds of movies you guys watch it's not always clear when the sound cuts out should or should

like seventh or eighth one i was like oh is this an artistic choice

yeah most normal movies if the sound just cuts out and it's not a war scene where a grenade went off nearby you know that something up with the speakers with the right family films you're like this could just be the film like it might just be the thing they were walking out of sound of metal and she was like, I'm fucking doing that.

I'm doing the sound of metal.

And so we switch over to Amazon.

It's like, oh, the sound is all there.

Not only is the sound all there in Amazon, they actually worked on, I think, somebody in that brood of weird clones did the closed captioning.

The subtitles.

And so the subtitles is actually great.

It's not auto-generated like it is in YouTube.

Yeah.

So we have a bunch of little tidbits of the best subtitles ever.

Yeah, they go off script a lot.

There's there are a lot of improvised moments.

Did you watch Amazon too?

No, I watched.

But I put on the closed captioning and it was clearly the script they put in.

No, they're auto-generated.

It only has auto-generated ones.

Well, it was auto-generating incorrectly a lot on YouTube.

Yes.

Yes.

This, I believe.

See, and again, this is why this is reflective of everyone on the podcast is that Thomas and Livia were like, well, the audio's gone out.

Let us go to our alternative source to make sure we capture every moment.

Darling, are you taking enough notes?

Oh, darling, don't worry.

I've taken enough notes.

So I also hired a a transcript.

And me and he were like, well, the sound's broken.

I bet what they're saying is super dope.

Oh, look, the video's broken, or I turned it off.

I don't know.

Oh, nope.

My power went out.

I guess I can't do the rest of you.

Probably a demon.

They control electricity.

All right.

Eli, do you have a best worst?

Yes, before we get into it, and I teased this at the beginning, I'm going to go with best worst foreboding imagery.

Again, I just have to be clear that the transitions between every scene are the adorable animals that live on this farm, including a sassy sheep.

Yeah.

Very sassy.

There's a sheep, and I'm going to say something brave from my heart, who's Jewish.

He's Jewish.

Interesting.

Those acting chops come from a member of the tribe.

I'm sorry.

There's no way a Joy

looks at the camera the way this sheep looks at the camera.

Yeah, and the disdain from the animals for the family.

Every single one.

Every single animal in this movie hates the lights.

The right family.

Is aware they're in a movie and speaks English and is like, this movie is bad.

I'm a goat.

The sheep had a real gym from the office energy of looking into the camera being like, can you believe these fucking weird meth clones?

I'm going to be on a podcast about bad movies.

I could tell.

Yeah.

I'm a goat.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, it sounds like the Smiths have figured out the movie and we might learn more about it as we go.

Fantastic.

But first, we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back to tell you all about Hillick Haunting.

Hey, David, did you see the video I sent you Pickles the Donkey and an Ice Cream Sunday?

I don't know.

Where did you send it?

Instagram.

I haven't been on Instagram today, actually.

Oh, really?

You haven't checked Instagram?

No, I haven't checked Instagram.

Well,

did you get a chance to look at my new movie script?

Yeah, I did.

Can I say?

Yep.

I can't help but notice that you've used literally every transition in the film to insert every video of the donkeys and horses that I haven't watched over the last two years.

Oh, yeah, I guess I have, haven't I?

Well, guess you better get watching.

Got a movie to make.

Movie, right.

See that, Heath?

You're like David Wright.

He sends like a thousand a day.

It's too many.

it's impossible to keep up with i do like those things

it's still too many

this show was sponsored by better help and then you bake the whole pumpkin your stove fits a whole pumpkin well yeah you got to take the racks out but yeah

right

it's not your fault thomas you have to stop heath a little help oh yeah okay is he telling you it's not your fault like over and over again yeah why Yeah, so he's made some kind of like self-discovery through therapy and now he's doing this all the time.

Really think about your mother, Thomas.

Okay.

It's not your fault.

Okay, how do we make it stop?

I really don't know.

I'm not sure.

I keep telling him that if you want to improve your mental health, therapy with a licensed mental health professional is definitely the way to do it.

Yeah, but who can find a decent therapist these days?

Actually, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge.

Oh, oh, paint a picture of your father and then burn it.

Nope, nope, not going to do that.

But that better help thing sounds good, Heath.

Where do I sign up?

Take off the mask with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com/slash awful today to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash awful.

All right, thanks.

Yeah, sorry, I can't make Eli stop, though.

It's okay.

This is basically basically just dear old dad's.

Read the journals.

I mean, you should read the journals, though.

Okay.

What are you afraid of?

And we're back.

And we're going to start this one off by setting the scary mood with ominous

alfalfa and

a sheep that is very bored with the movie already.

We got Eli's best worst already happening.

Already out there.

Can you believe this movie?

Not for me, but if you're enjoying it, how good for you?

Yeah, and it started with the seven and up.

And maybe this was just an Amazon thing, but seven plus is the rating.

All my favorite horror movies are seven and up.

Hey, six and seven-year-olds, clear out.

The big kids are going to watch some sheep horror.

I need someone who can read fluently.

You hear me?

Fluently.

All right, eight-year-olds and up.

Let's watch this scary film.

Is my bright six-year-old ready for this film?

Absolutely not.

What?

Kids approaching tweenage only.

I also hate that Hans Zimmer or whoever invented like the formula for music that anyone can do now, you know?

So like even these fucking weird meth clones can just do somehow music that actually sounds.

more intense than music from like 30 years ago, you know?

Yes.

But someone just made a formula.

Now, they shouldn't have access to it is what I'm saying.

Like, they shouldn't.

Yeah.

We need some gatekeeping on art is what I'm saying.

And they do their first misuse of it here because they do the pop scare music without a pop scare.

Yeah.

Right.

It does the like,

and then it's like a.

I mean, I was just doing jaws, but you get what I'm saying, right?

And they do that, but nothing's happening.

We're just watching the sheep.

Spiderweb.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The sheep's like, Are they doing the pop scam music?

You see,

yeah.

This movie would have been so much better if it took like the babe approach and like you could actually hear the animals thoughts during all of it.

Like they're talking as, oh my God.

Look who's talking for.

They would have been roasting the movie the whole time.

It would have been amazing.

My new theory of the film is that the insane people who made this actually can or they think they can hear the animals talking.

And so to them, that's part of the movie.

That's a part of the movie.

And they're like, this is great.

I love this scene with the donkeys.

And everyone else is like, you're just showing donkeys.

No, there's great dialogue in there.

Well, here's what I'll say.

All right.

I know two things in my heart that are true one i love my child two the rights would sell us the rights to this film so that we could make the hillicon thing in parentheses with all the thoughts of the end yeah sort of our own look who's talking mystery science theater version of the movie yeah yeah all right i i would come back for that sure all right about the the mismatching of this first scene because this was supposed to be the scary opening where like i guess a death happened i you can't even tell yeah but what happened was it's almost like someone pulled the lever on a slot machine of like music, fast film stuff, and animals, and they never matched up like pop scare.

Oh, but it didn't match with the fucking other thing that was supposed to be.

Yeah.

And it was just this, like, they did the speed film to make the ghost seem scary, but then they accidentally also did it on the dude who was like grabbing some.

like animal food and that didn't make sense.

It's just a mess.

Yeah.

Horror movies written by people who have only seen the trailers for horror movies before the Christian films they watch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So now we get the credits, little Ashley Wright-Hayes film.

We know that this is an Ashley Wright joint.

I wrote my notes.

That's right, you lucky motherfucker.

She's done, done it again.

Yeah.

Also, we see the murder for a second right before the Ashley Wright-Hayes film thing.

I guess we do.

Yeah, sure.

We see like a crazy old lady like sprint into the barn like the ring.

the guy we're gonna find out.

I wasn't sure if it was like a kid or an old lady because the camera work was so bad.

Like I couldn't tell what was happening at all.

And then you just see boots like thud on the ground.

And we find out it's a ghost later.

She didn't look like a ghost.

She was just like a lady.

Just crazy.

So for all we know, some old lady, yeah, just killed a guy.

We don't know.

And when we later see the ghost, it's going to be a dolphin.

So it's very confusing as to why.

Yeah, spoilers.

This is when I started laughing, though, when the run happens because the run goes so badly.

Yes.

It's the best.

What's amazing is because they did speed up the film, but they didn't realize that when horror movie makers do this, they just speed up the film.

They don't speed up the film and also run real fast.

And that is what she has done.

So now we get our first shot of the daughters.

And can I say, just to reflect personally for a moment, I'm kind of watching these daughters grow up through the lens of these bad Christian movies.

Can I say, it makes me feel bad.

It feels a little like we're the podcast that roasts family Christmas cards, right?

Because I'm pretty sure these people send everyone in their family like, hey, we done a new movie.

Make sure you check it out.

And I'm a 37-year-old man who doesn't know them who's just had increasingly mean jokes about their children's physical appearance.

You have a parasocial relationship with these fucking kids.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, wow.

Like, this movie is the first time I was like, huh, can I start making jokes about these kids yet?

Nah, they're probably not 18.

Cross out, cross out, cross out.

That's a weird position to be in.

Can I start making jokes about Eli's Halloween card?

Did you all get it?

Yeah, we got it.

The one where Eli looks like maybe a KKK member in the background.

In short sleeves.

Interesting choice.

Okay, so for those at home who are confused, Max chose the costumes this year because Anne and I were talking about it and he wanted to choose.

And so the costumes he chose were Frog, Frog, Frog, hate group.

And Spooky Ghost.

So he decided that I would be a spooky ghost.

So we covered me in a tablecloth and put my glasses on me while the three of them had a nice photo shoot as frost.

But why were you burning the cross, though?

Yeah, that is because I am trying to send a message to my neighbors and I don't want to talk about what it is.

So

that is clear.

Exactly.

But back to this movie.

Back to this movie.

Yeah.

The guy gets a call with a ringtone that can't exist now.

Like, I could just find the real thing.

He pulls out an iPhone and it's a ringtone that's not that.

Sorry.

But then, okay, I feel crazy.

This is the first moment.

He gets a phone call that's a voicemail.

Am I wrong?

Well, so they don't know because they watched YouTube, hon.

Oh, you, oh, you didn't hear any of this?

No.

That's what I'm saying.

We get to share what this is.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

Audible, I am playing the audio of what happened here because you have to hear this man get a phone call that's a voicemail because it's the weirdest fucking thing.

Henry, man, it's your Uncle Rich.

Man, I hate to be the one to tell you, but

your father was found dead in the barn this morning.

They said it was a heart attack.

Looks like that farm is all yours, buddy.

That's a voicemail.

Wait, he left a voicemail about a death?

But he rang and

answered the phone call.

It's like if someone knocked on your door and you answered, but then they were an email.

It was a letter, yeah.

What?

How does that even happen?

We also have to point out that David has gone with the Billy Goats Gruff style of beer for this film.

Oh, my God.

New episode just.

How does that happen?

It morphs.

It changes sizes.

It's like one of those, you ever go to like one of those experimental art things and someone set up a thing where they do like a light projection onto water?

That's what he's doing with his beard.

He shaves the sides of his face like a normal human being, sort of, like more or less.

And then he just forgets shaving exists for the whole chin and mouth part.

And so he has a ZZ top, but like only like three inches wide, like a ZZ top beard just on his chin.

ZZ bottom, if you will.

And then the sides of his face, though, shaved normal.

It's the worst look.

It's so bad.

I think it's a tactical beard in his head.

Yeah.

No question.

He's quite certain it's tactical in some way.

To be fair, though, everything is a tactical that thing for this guy.

He's one of those guys that you could sell anything to without marketing.

We make fun of it on dads where it's like, it'll be like a diaper carrier.

It's like tactical bad

blood pressure medication.

Absolutely.

Dear old dad's just one of the many podcasts that Thomas is on.

Arguments.

Opening arguments.

Thomas is handing me a 20 under the recording table right now, everybody, just so you know what's going on.

So now we get the title, Hillock Haunting.

That's not a good title.

No, it's not.

Sure isn't.

The haunting of Hillock House.

So it's like, it's supposed to be like scary.

Like, oh, you go, what's going to be like the haunting, like a haunted mountain or something?

Well,

like a little mound, like a small mound.

Yeah, that's the problem.

I don't think they know that hillock means small mound.

I think they just like saw the word in an old book and they were like, what if it's the hillock family?

Hillock haunting.

That's great.

H-H.

Yeah, let's fucking do it.

But it sounds so awkward.

It always blows my mind when it's like, wait, that's not their actual name.

So you could have picked the name.

There's no, you know, like.

You could have picked any name.

You can write whatever you want.

Yeah, you can write whatever you want.

They have to chose something that is so awkward to Hillock.

Hillock Haunting.

Yeah, it is really weird to say.

It's awful.

I don't know this, but I think the Wrights dabble in that transmogrifiers version of naming movies, which is that they want to name it close.

Close to the hellhouse.

That's something that someone is searching for.

Yep.

They try to get people who are too high to search correctly to accidentally watch this.

That's absolutely what it is.

But this Hillock hunting, the guy gets a call.

I guess we didn't say that his dad died and the farm.

I just want to say, live your life such that when you inherit a piece of shit farm, you're like, oh, no, no, thanks.

I don't.

I

put it up on.

Yeah, let's see how much that bad boy's worth.

But these people drop everything

and just instantly are like, oh, there's something to do.

Okay, great.

Finally.

We bought a petting zoo.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

And so he drives them to the farm and then explains what they're going to do.

I wrote in my notes at this point, Thomas and Lydia, I I would like you to announce to your children that you're moving to a farm and see if their response is a quiet hug, which is the response of the daughters in this movie.

They just leave.

They leave their apartment and they're like, all right.

They have the scene where they're like, well, we're going, guys, he's the worst.

He's not, you can't call him an actor.

Did this feel like a documentary to anybody in this scene?

And he's like, the camera work was so weird.

Yeah.

So bad.

And he says, like, well, we're moving.

And then they just go.

It isn't like a normal movie or a normal, I don't know, human thing would be, well, guys, we inherited a farm.

We are going to move.

So probably two, three months.

We're going to, let's get, let's get, tie things out.

I'm going to put in my notice at the old factory here.

You guys are going to quit school.

We're going to move.

They're like, nope.

Okay.

Let's go.

And

after that scene, they're like, here we go.

And then they're there.

And grandpa died.

No reaction.

They might as well drive off with a crackling fire of the town behind them.

They might as well drive off.

And then the family that actually lives in that apartment is tied up and like,

like they've just been, they've just been living in someone else's life the whole time.

Just flicks a cigarette into gasoline and explodes.

Yeah, yeah, they've been funny games and games.

We found a different life to have.

Okay.

We let the family go.

Let them out of their panic room.

They starve to death.

Well, there you have it.

Should have raised fatter kids.

It's interesting that you point out his acting style, Thomas, because I think I put my finger on it.

Let me hit you with this.

You ever watch in a true crime thing and there's someone who talks weird and you're like, that guy talks weird this whole time but then in episode seven they reveal that he was in the room when the goat burst through the refrigerator and gored dad and then ripped his head off and threw it into the blender and it all went into his mouth and you're like that's why that guy talks that way he's crazy

that's how david wright acts he acts like someone who has not yet revealed their trauma to you yeah but it's gonna make sense when they have so good i also you were missing out on so many subtitles we'll get to them but what they also tried to do and i love this with these shitty films, they tried to like fix some things in the subtitles in the Amazon ones.

Again, because they made the Amazon ones.

So they'll like make them act better.

It'll be like, Henry breathes uneasily.

And I'm like, no, no, you didn't.

You didn't.

You might as well say like, Henry acts incredibly compelling.

Ashley, just because you put it in the script doesn't mean you get to put it in the subtitles, girl.

Come on.

So yeah, they're moving into the farm.

This is where the girls stop to admire the painting of a donkey.

The girl says, Wow, he really did love donkeys.

And I wrote in my notes, why else would he have a painting of one?

Yeah.

Look at the size of that painting.

And it's literally like something you could get at HomeGoods.

It's like not big at all.

No.

We're coming up on our favorite thing that we laughed forever on.

So I just want to make sure we get to it.

Is it the French postcard he got from one of his many donkey lovers that we got to in this scene?

No, but I love that.

That's also good.

Honestly, like the way that this was being set up, initially I was like, are donkeys the problem?

Like, is that what's going on here?

Like, did they bring on the ghosts?

Overtaking.

Because there's so much focus on them.

But you guys want to know why there's so much focus on donkeys?

Why?

Because Ashley started a donkey rescue.

No.

What?

It's called Donkey and Draft Rescue, and they have a Patreon.

Oh, what?

And it's higher than ours, everybody.

So check them out if you're also a donkey fan.

I'm sure they would really appreciate it.

Okay, I want to point out that I did not know this information when I made my donkey propaganda joke.

Like, cause I was, I literally was like, this is just pro-donkey propaganda.

No, I found this because this is what

that feels so.

I just find things like this.

That feels so validating.

This is so, all it's all the donkeys were in the fucking thing.

Yeah, it is.

There is a lot of randomly, they'll be like, fun donkey fact.

They're amazing.

And you're like, what the fuck is this?

I learned it from the newsletter I get from Donkey and Draft Rescue.

Okay, now, first warning, we need to bring a rescue donkey to the Wright family now in real life.

Absolutely.

No, no, no, no.

We need to bring me in a donkey costume to

the donkey.

Yes, that's better.

Okay.

Now, I look, I hate to bring us to the side, but I need to because it's important for the Lord.

When you go to Tronky and Draft Rescue, they have Donkey on Demand TV that promises watch your favorite donkey and draft rescue videos 24 hours a day

delivered to you by your favorite donkeys.

What does that mean?

It has to do whatever that is.

Stop everything.

Is she picturing a future project that's sort of a CNBC 24 hours?

Always watching it, but when it's like Mr.

Ed TV.

I was envisioning donkey a series of donkey messengers.

But you're saying it's like, no, donkey anchors that are like, okay, and over to you.

And it's just 24-7 donkey news cycle.

Is that what it is?

I don't, I don't know what that.

Okay, Heath, from from your heart, okay, their highest Patreon level is $300 a month.

Can we pledge right now?

What do we get?

Can we pledge right now as our podcast?

Okay, access to behind-the-scenes rescue scenes, exclusive video content, never before seen photos, and monthly newsletters.

This level also includes a special e-card from the donkeys on our birthday.

Private videos and photos of your favorite rescue scenes.

I'm signing up right now.

$300 a month.

Look, I'm actually signing up for a higher thing to see if they invent one.

$301?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I went way higher than $301.

Christ.

I have to apologize to Noah right now for what I'm doing to your business.

Noah, we are having, it's a bad check this month, but when you come back from vacation, it's working.

I hope you like ramen.

Noah, we bought a petting zoo.

We bought a petting zoo.

We bought a rescue.

We bought a donkey rescue.

That's what are the donkeys being rescued from?

Like, what is David?

oh god are a lot of people in apartment complexes taking on one too many donkeys like what is they do when they have a dream no it was it was gonna be fine we get a donkey no we have a studio apartment no it'll be great and then like they accidentally get a boy donkey and a girl donkey no wait famously they can't reproduce right that's right why what the fuck what are you rescuing them okay How did you know that fact?

Because they didn't talk about that in the movie.

That's fair.

I don't know anything about donkeys until this surprises my wife from time to time.

I do know information that's not in the movie that we just watched.

I disagree.

I think that's weird.

Okay, so we have to talk about this scene.

Talk to me.

Because now we need something scary to happen.

You ready for something scary to happen?

It's a horror movie, everybody.

And so the girls are having a scene where the one that Eli thinks is Autistic is...

proving the case.

I'm not ready to weigh in on which of them I think is autistic.

Well, is it the one that's doing this entire scene staring at the floor?

Because I think it might be her.

And I don't understand that.

But then again, it also could just be how they make movies, they're that bad at it.

And then they're like, Okay, we had a terrible scene, not memorable, whatever they said.

And then they start to walk out.

And a subtitle indicates the sound that we get.

It says, the subtitle says, shower curtain bangs.

Now, can a shower curtain bang?

Is what I want to know.

And then they say, Whoa, what was that?

Oh, we must have just, and they, and I quote, it's the shower curtain.

We must have knocked it over when we let.

What?

What?

How do you knock a shower curtain down?

Am I crazy?

That is a great question.

Now, Thomas, it's weird because I feel like we're reversing roles very slightly because this is a poor person thing.

Oh, are you saying that the shower curtain is independent of the shower?

It's independent of the shower.

You buy one of the ones that you just sort of like stuck onto either side.

Yeah, exactly.

Happened, though.

No, no, no.

No, absolutely.

We agree that in the movie, they just rustled a curtain and called it knocking it over.

I'm not, yeah.

Okay, now we have to get to the I'm so sorry because right after this, the way they get out of the scary moment is mine and Lydia's favorite thing to ever happen and be captured on film.

I'm going to play this, and I'm just so glad that I had to put in a special legal request.

Thomas brought clips.

Yes, to like, I filled out a form to like be able to play clips on your guys's company show, and it's so worth it.

So, here we go.

What was that it's just the shower curtain we must have knocked it over somehow oh okay we'll get it later all right

hey small books

hey small books

Was she trying to say some old books?

She is trying to say some old books.

Okay, she says small books.

Small books and the subtitle on Amazon says small books.

No, she says small books.

You're giving her credit.

These subtitles, I remind you, are not auto-generated.

They dated.

They are from the mind of the author.

Yes, and she says, hey, small books.

I'm not joking.

Small.

Hey, round movies.

What?

Now, I do have to point out that at this point, these books will be books the teens are reading.

Later, they will be his dead father's journals.

Oh, they like reuse the props?

Yeah, and like various ghost encyclopedias, I think.

But also, Grandpa appears to have chewed the edges of his diary.

It's so stupid.

It is so dumb.

He's using one of like the wood pencil things.

Yeah, the prop of his diary is like one of those stupid TikToks you'd see, or back in the day, it was vines.

No, it was like an old YouTube video where someone made an entire thing in nature out of sticks, but it's a journey.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

It's like, why would that be the they have phones?

No, it's like, yeah, school projects, right?

Like that you'd have to recreate recreate a journal or something from a family member's past and you would like you know stain it with tea and burn the edges hold the lighter under it and then you set it on fire and your dad yells at you i mean they have amazon in this world right like you would have just ordered a journal from amazon why would you get one that was looks like it was made in 1850 just because it's spookier but it's just the grandpa why would he be spooky okay It's also the one journal and he was 87 years old and he's only had one journal.

Oh, no, they find more later on.

a series of journals.

Spoilers, but yeah.

Yeah.

So we get some sweet, sweet pony footage and then we cut over to David in the only scene they will have with a horse.

Now,

this is what I'm going to make a guess here about the cinematic universe.

I think they were like, and we could use the horse for the movie.

And this horse kicked David in the chest.

He was in the hospital for six to 10 weeks.

And they took the moment where it kicked him in the chest and made it part of the film.

I hate to contradict you, but I think I actually have a a better theory, which is that it's all part of the pro-donkey propaganda.

Yes, it is.

Oh, man, this fucking horses are so inconvenient.

Horses will kick you if only there was a smaller creature, you know, that still had the same sized head.

Yeah.

Oh, there it is.

Yeah, that's absolutely it.

And now their subtitle says horse clopping angrily.

I couldn't help but think of flip-flop horse.

Like it must be

clop tom, but uh made a uh you know into a horse subtitle.

But what they're going for here is that like horses can sense demons, maybe, because maybe there's a demon around and the horse gets a little spooked here.

And very clearly, David Owen Wright and this whole family, they have very strong opinions on which animals are in league with demons and which animals can magically sense demons

and be helpful.

Yeah.

Also, I just would point out that I, and I've never seen this before, this horse has the same hairstyle as all the women I've ever met who work at a vape shop.

I don't know how they managed to do this.

It's got the blonde curl over.

Anyways, so that night he's sort of taking stock of the farm and he's going to tell the girls about it.

He says, and I'm almost exact quote, I counted all the animals.

Oh my God.

There's 19 of them.

And he goes through them.

There's two this, five that.

Why do we, again, it's an advertisement.

Yeah.

And they're going selling fast, everyone.

If you get your donkeys now.

And he also advised them not to get kicked by a horse because again, in my theory, he just got kicked by a horse six to 10 weeks ago when they started making the film.

And then the girls ask for permission to read, which is, I wrote in my notes, fine, but just this once.

And then they order a pizza.

Again, if you

hold on,

he opens the fridge and he goes,

Pizza, it is.

I'm like, yeah, sorry your dead dad didn't leave like a delicious turkey dinner waiting for you in the fridge the day after he died.

It was a nice charcuterie plate, but

the pacing is as though he

just died.

Like, that's like, in terms of the timeline,

I love the disappointment in opening the fridge.

Absolutely.

If only dad had known about Factor Wheels, you know what I'm saying?

But yeah, they're getting pizza.

I also just have to point this scene out with the pizza because I believe that the way the Wrights get their children to participate in these films is they get takeout for the first time that year.

Oh, yeah.

Last film we watched, it was very obviously KFC.

This year, I believe it was pizza.

Just for those of you keeping track, I have to get to my second now favorite moment of acting in this and why I unironically just love watching.

Like every moment of this was a feast for the eyes because we get the funniest reading ever, which is,

I don't know if they have emotions like us

about the animals.

And the most dead, she's talking about the animals and she says, I don't know if they have emotions like us.

Yes.

And it's like,

do you hear yourself?

Like the whole movie is stuff like that, where you're like, this is actually genius.

This might be brilliant.

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

I wrote in my notes when she says that line, I can confirm the donkeys do in fact have emotions like you.

Like us.

Yeah.

The subtitles just say, he said emotionfully.

He said

doing good acting.

So now it's time for another pop scare.

We get one of the girls reading in the woods.

Trees crackling is the sound.

Some subtitles.

Trees crackling.

Creepy breathing was one of them.

But here's what I want to know, which came first because crackling, not really a thing that they like.

The sound also actually sounds like that.

It's like a candy wrapper.

Yeah.

But that's not what trees do.

So what I don't want to know is, did the sound come first or did the subtitle come first?

Did the subtitle come first?

And then the sound guy was like, crackling.

Okay.

I guess I'll wrinkle some fucking cellophane.

I guess that's what you want.

I have to know.

Yeah.

And then the shaky cam chases her.

a little maybe right trying to be blair witch i lived out in the middle of nowhere uh in a forest I used to do this as a kid when you're like eight or nine, and you just decide like there's a ghost.

It's something scary.

And you run away, like, just as a thing to do.

There wasn't a lot to do.

No, I did that too.

I did that in suburbia.

I decided it was my basement.

Yeah, you pretend the cops are coming after you if you hear a siren anywhere.

Oh, yeah.

Dive into the bushes.

Yeah.

Oh, that sounds scary.

They're after me.

They're after me.

Plus,

if you live in a forest, you've got a great stick that you can use as a sword.

Oh, yeah.

Just saying.

Great stick.

I didn't have a great stick.

Okay.

So at this moment, there's some very small books, which is very scary.

Just sitting on a rock.

And one of the sisters from the family sees that and then maybe gets attacked by a demon in the woods who's like mad about her taking the very small books that the demon keeps on this rock for their reading spot.

Well, they had taken them out there to read.

And then she's going, oh, whoops.

We left our small books out there where the demon, I guess, is.

Oh, okay.

And she goes out and the ghost, I think this is the ghost at this point.

Because again, spoilers, spoilers there's a ghost and a demon two different characters with backstories with entire internal experiences so we need to honor that two different things yeah it's just ghost demon for me throughout but you're no it's a ghost and a demon

two different entities they don't all quote look alike

yeah it's a ghost and a demon and by the end of the movie i'm not sure that they know each other

no

by the end of the movie it's like oh oh hey you're here oh hi yeah no i i feel like we're working at cross purposes a little bit.

We should have consulted on this.

We're kind of haunting the same area.

Right.

And the ghost, you know, does typical ghosty things, which is nothing.

And then she runs away and is like, ah, I got away from the nothing that was out there.

That's all that happens.

Okay.

So, yeah, I thought the demon ghost or whichever one it is, the ghost.

Wow.

Stop mixing those.

I thought the ghost.

Those people?

I thought the ghost collected the books on the rock to like get the kids to grab them.

And it was like a Boo Radley scenario.

And there's going to be more like Boo Radley stuff going on.

There's like a neighbor kid that,

yeah,

that would be better.

I think the Wright family read To Kill a Mockingbird question mark, but they don't know what happens next

at all.

Hey, buddy, I promise you the Wright family hasn't read.

When you get a Difficult Mockingbird, they're like, I don't like the proportions of this book.

It's a normal size book.

Here's what I promise you.

If you ask David Wright, this doesn't teach me how to kill it at all.

I'm going to write an even bit, How to Really Kill a Mockingbird by David Wright.

Do you think, just going back slightly, and please forgive me for dwelling, do you think that the ghost talks about the demon the way we talk about bigots who also are atheists?

Like the ghost is meeting someone and they're like, oh, you know, Sam Harrison is like, ah, I don't know.

No, technically, we're in the same genre.

We don't claim that.

We don't claim him.

It's not really a thing.

Why does everyone always ask me this?

Yeah, okay.

Yes, we are.

We share a spiritual realm.

No, No, I'm not the same as the demon.

I don't make the same choices.

The ghost always has to apologize, right?

We really just agree on one simple question if you think about it.

But if you look at the demon's Patreon, it's like 400 times mine.

I don't know why.

I don't know why.

The demons making a lot more money doing this.

And then now they've got their own university.

Yeah, we're trying to reclaim a moral sound ghosting.

And these demons just come in here.

And they do whatever the fuck they want.

They make more money.

And the demons' moms buy them like six PhDs.

They don't really deserve it.

When I go visit other hauntings, they won't mention opening arguments.

Opening arguments?

Go open it.

It's look,

we'll come to it.

All right.

So then we get David waking up in the dark.

Yeah.

Oh, this is the Yankee candle moment.

I'm sorry.

I have to talk about this.

So David wakes up in the dark and he sees the ghost in the hallway and she dramatically whips the candle around her body.

But it's not scary because it's very clearly one of those Yankee candles that's called like Christmas morning.

So it kind of takes away from the

spook factor.

And then

he goes into the bathroom and realizes that the ghost has fogged up the bathroom.

In the shower, which is how I learned that my wife is a ghost.

I kind of like that the ghost was mostly doing like low-level pranks this whole time.

Like,

leaving the hot water.

It's like just a bunch of stuff to prank all dads.

Just like moving the thermostat a little bit and running.

Touching the thermostat you know messing with the line moving heavy furniture down the stairs without lifting it

or the ghost was just you know taking a shower like getting clean i don't could believe

he turns it off and the subtitle says handle clattering dude just no like now i want to imagine an extended argument between yeah the subtitles guy and the sound title

clattering oh what do you think it crinkled maybe i'll crinkle the handle and i'll crinkle it and i'll turn off you're telling me that shower curtain is just holding this whole time?

D-Dog, it's been a while since we've done this.

Let's invite the rights on for a debate on Sirius Inquiries only about what the word clattering means.

I think it's time.

And it's here where you can see the shower curtain is clearly not a kind you can knock over.

It's absolutely not one of the ones that you can

knock over.

100%.

But a ghost was like, I loosened the springs on the tension.

Now I wait.

Now, what would you do?

I just want to ask us all.

What would you do if you woke up from a dream that you woke up from a dream?

Because he does a dream of a dream thing.

And then you go and the shower is turned on.

Very spooky, yes.

We cut to the next morning.

What do you think this guy has done about this?

He calls the plumber, he calls the plumber.

He asks a professional plumber.

Yeah, it's so good.

Is there any chance I have a magical shower faucet that turns on?

His exact words, if I may, can the water come on without me turning it on?

What is the best case scenario answer from the plumber?

Um,

no,

yeah, what

new number?

I'm not talking to you anymore.

Okay, but here's the thing: this is where I felt most connected to David because I make these calls to the service people.

This is what Eli would do.

Yeah, now 100%.

I hear myself saying, I have multiple times texted my electrician and said, Hey, this light fixture is broken.

And he has texted me back, the bulb burned out.

And I've been like, No, I just changed it.

And he's like, You should try changing the bulb before I come out there.

And sure enough, I changed the bulb and it's fine.

And I'm like, you were right.

And he's like, and then he doesn't respond because why wouldn't you?

Okay.

Every repair person in real life in David Owen Wright's town is fielding phone calls that are like, hey, is there a demon-based reason that

the door jam is a little bit sticky?

Yeah.

No question.

Now, this is where Heath and I lost sound.

They have a conversation for a good minute.

So Smiths, fill us in.

Yes, we'll fill you in.

We'll fill you in.

Okay.

So they basically say, Hey, you know, grandpa had books about ghosts in the house, and we were reading them before bed.

The small books that they were very excited about.

And he said, You were reading ghost books before bed.

He gets very upset about it.

And they're like, It's fine.

You know, we'll bring them down and show them to you.

And why can't they read ghost books before bed?

They're like, 20.

They're freaking old.

I think the last movie we did was very much about the dangers of reading books that have occult stuff in it.

Like it's a theme for this family that they worked into this one a little bit.

Okay.

To be fair, James Hetfield,

James Methfield met what he meant was from like a Gaston perspective, you know, like it's not right for a woman to read.

Yeah.

You know, start getting ideas and thinking.

It was more like that, I think.

That's why they had to cut it out of YouTube because the censorship Google would hold them back.

It's all making sense.

So now we cut to them.

They're doing some work out on the farm.

I think they try to make a donkey sound scary in this scene.

Oh my God.

It woke up my dog the first time I watched it.

I was so mad.

She was freaking out.

I was like, oh, stupid donkey.

And also the stall for the donkey was named the Thomas Sweet.

I don't know if you guys saw that.

And it's all coming together.

Also, because this is the best example of it.

I know I've talked about the animals doing cute thing.

They literally have like a minute-long shot of a donkey rolling around having a black.

I know, so cute.

He's literally doing the like dog finding a good puddle roll.

Yeah.

Not filling me with the chilling feeling I think a haunted movie should be going for.

But propaganda.

Yeah.

And then, and I can't emphasize this enough, we have about two minutes of footage of David with his bulldozer.

Why?

Because he had a bulldozer and Ashley said that we'd do some footage of me and my bulldozer.

It still has the price tag on it.

I'm sorry.

So here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Because he said, he said, I'm calling my gravel guy to repair the paddocks.

Right.

And I see the rocks that are delivered.

And I'm like,

I feel like that's not right.

And so I went on a journey of researching how to properly build a paddock.

If you're not listening to where there's woke, this is the mind that you have available.

This is what she does.

But for as a force for good instead of as a force for evil, which is what she's forced to do when she's on our show.

I examined like, there's various layers.

Sometimes it's a force for nothing.

Like, yeah,

according to my research, the size of the rock that he had delivered is probably appropriate for a base layer.

And that'd be it.

Anything higher, and you're going to want something a lot smaller.

They're very huge.

You don't want horses stepping on those things.

So, what he's really doing is building a paddock.

He's not repairing one.

He's starting from the base layer.

And I feel like they should have known that because they're farmers.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

Yeah.

Well, he to be very called a plumber to ask if turning it on

doesn't

turn it on.

Far too large of rocks.

But now it's time to meet my favorite

character in the movie, Abby.

My favorite person?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Possibly ever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's a great acting performance.

Yes.

So we see someone put themselves in the room with the donkeys and they're holding a rusty sickle, right?

We're setting up for a horror scene.

Scraping it up on someone else's property.

Yeah, she's doing a lot of scraping with this sickle.

And then the girls find her and it is Abby, who is, I'm going to say, the girl's friend from school.

What do you guys think?

Oh, I think this is the, I think this is another older sister.

This is the older sister.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know that she's blood related, though.

No, she just got the dad's genetics more than a mom's.

You can tell.

I'm pretty sure we've seen her in other Wright family movies, and she's one of the sisters in Red Family.

But you don't think she's adopted?

She has the mom's exact mouth, but the dad's exact shape.

Okay.

Yeah, I think that's right.

There's three Wright children?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

We made a discovery that you guys didn't know.

I just assumed.

Yeah.

So I don't have whatever your history is.

So I was like, oh, there's a third one.

Oh, no.

Your assumption is definitely correct.

Yeah.

Okay.

I didn't know that.

Here, let me click on the cast.

Hey, guys.

I'm sorry that I.

Oh, yeah.

Get on the cast on Amazon.

Doubt, right?

What do you think?

I've hired a separate actor for this.

I thought they liked Haddon.

Here, I'm going to tell you.

Oh, oh, oh, this is going to be good.

Okay.

Jaina Wright portrays Abby.

Yes.

Here's what she's known for.

And we'll see if you've seen any of it.

The Raptured Iron.

I dare you to mess with a kid's panda at Christmas.

Boxes and blessings.

Sorry, let me write

the Bible and Big Flow.

We've done that one.

Obviously, the one that began it all.

Well, then you know her.

You know the word of Jaina Wright, Eli.

Exactly.

How dare this Jaina Wright erasure.

I don't remember children because I can't make fun of their physical appearance.

When they age into me being able to make fun of their physical appearance, as she has done in this film.

In Jesus' name, that sounds like

that one.

Yeah, awesome.

So, you've also seen her in that somewhere.

Correct.

But again, I have to wipe them from my memory until I'm allowed to make fun of their physical appearance.

It's my working process.

Love, cast out all fear.

Yeah, you know,

what a resume.

Yeah.

Prolific.

Well, anyways, we see her in this film.

They have decided to give her black eye makeup under the eyes.

They had Phoebe do her makeup.

No, this is like when I went to sleepovers as a kid and we pretended we were in the craft and like just try and be like spooky and we would like try and levitate each other.

Yeah, this is what right but also maybe you were playing center field on a sunny day on a baseball team.

I was gonna say

it does

maybe you're related to a raccoon.

Yeah.

It does vary from raccoon to football player to Justin Trudeau's photo he wishes you would forget about.

It really

goes back and forth.

It gets way too close.

Yeah.

But yeah, this is Abby.

She was the girl who helped grandpa out on the farm.

And she

talks spooky, right?

The point is she talks spooky, but none of them can act or emote.

So she just talks slightly more monotone than the other people in this film.

Yeah, they don't have a lot of variables to work with in terms of delivery.

You know, there's not a whole lot.

So she's like, all right, well, you sound exactly like all of us because we're all this exact thing.

Maybe put a little more space in between your sentences.

Okay.

There you go.

That's it.

We'll call it a character.

And we painted your face weirdly, and that's it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then the next day, dad meets her, right?

So the girls meet her.

And then the next day, dad meets her.

And she's just the entire time they're talking, scraping the scythe back and forth along the wall.

She will not stop playing with this prop scythe, but it is a very real rusty scythe that they have on set.

It is rusty, but you know what's more scary is like a sharp one of those.

You know, the rusty, totally dull sickle is like, okay, I'm not as dude.

Just tetanus.

Polish that up.

And yeah, that's true.

That's important safe concern there

so this scene ends with dad just saying like hey abby like thanks for doing work on the farm for us um just be careful with the scythe that you got and then she improvises the thing and she scratches the back of her head with this she's like i'll be careful with the ow

and they have to cut and that's the end of the scene it's the that is the end of the scene yeah it's pretty fantastic clearly hurt herself with a scythe in real life so we're going to take a quick break and let her get a band-aid or something much larger.

I don't know, a bunch of Neosporin.

Yeah, and a fatnic shot.

And then we'll be back with more Hillick haunting.

I'm telling you, donkeys are spiritual.

They know things and they can sense when something is

amiss.

Trust the donkeys.

Trust the donkeys.

If you say so.

Hey.

Oh,

hey, donkey.

Namaste.

Say Say Namaste.

I said hi.

Yeah, but he said Namaste.

Namaste, Donkey.

Oh, feels appropriate.

Do you want to get rid of the ghost or not?

Anyway, I was wondering if you could help us with the ghost or demon thing.

Yes, I can help you.

Oh, great.

A reading starts at $45.

$45?

For the reading.

And that does not include crystals or charms.

I need to buy a crystal?

Crystals, plural, gonna need a lot, I could tell, even though the reading hasn't started yet.

Wow, a free preview.

He never does those.

Okay.

And we're back.

When we left off, Abby had lost a good deal of blood doing that space work with a scythe.

Went very badly.

I'm assuming they had to like pause production.

Opening arguments.

Opening arguments is the name of a podcast.

Everybody should check it out.

Wow.

And

now the sisters

editing that out

whoever

the sisters are having a meeting about the obviously evil person who carries around a weapon all the time and works at their farm but also does all the work

yeah he's like what do you do around here and she's like well i feed the animals i i prepare the power she like makes a point of saying all the stuff they already did and i'm like oh okay so you don't have a job anymore or they don't yeah it's good anyway redundant somebody's redundant is what what I'm saying.

I think what they're saying is they need someone to pledge $300 a month, is what they're saying.

Pick their favorite donkey.

If only we had more donkeys to take care of.

I don't like that they have other interests.

It's not part of the game.

This is like when someone was in a volleyball league with David A.

R.

White, and I was like, what's he like?

And they were like, he's nice.

And I was like, no, he's not.

Fuck you.

Anyway, so now it's time for another hunting.

This is one of the most intense ones in the movie.

We get some fast-motion cameras, some doorknob wiggling, and then

doorknob clattering again.

Yeah, clattering.

We also get my favorite closed captioning moment from YouTube anyway.

It says suspenseful musical music.

You tell me that's auto-generated.

You tell me what auto-generator on God's Green Earth auto-generated suspenseful musical music.

That's right.

So we cut straight from there to one of those weird Cracker Barrel signs.

You just go to Cracker Barrel and you're like, who buys it?

Ashley, right.

That's who buys it.

Yeah.

And the sign says, keep the gate closed no matter what the donkeys tell you.

Hilarious.

We're going to talk to Abby again.

Abby will,

throughout the movie, reveal everything she knows, which I should point out.

is a lot, but she's going to reveal it like piece by piece, second by second.

Yeah, I think it's worth playing this.

This is more gold out of the best actress in the film.

Take us there, Top 2.

She's one of the rights.

I don't remember her name already.

Jaina.

Safe from what?

Ghost?

More like the feeling of always being watched.

Goosebumps on your arms, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up, and the cold, crushing feeling of death all over the world.

Hey, Chris, can you not hammer in the background trying to do a horror movie?

Immaculate performance.

I don't think so.

Come on, I'll show you my farm routine.

Ghosts?

I don't think so.

Come on, I'll show you my farm routine.

Yeah.

This is why I love this film because my mind, the abstract places my mind went, where you're like, what's more practical in your protection against ghosts?

A donkey or a scythe?

I don't, I don't, this is the best SAT question ever.

I don't, I know.

What's more practical, a donkey or a scythe against ghosts?

I love it.

I want to get like really high and ponder that for like a year.

Like, can I do some mushrooms and just like think about that question?

Yeah, do a Terrence McNally dose in the desert.

Yeah.

These people just output this like it's nothing to them.

They just spit out these gems of weirdness.

And it's like, it's, they don't even recognize it.

I did end up going on a journey with this too because I was like,

what's the word practical against ghosts?

Just Lydia walking around a haunted house with a donkey.

This is practical.

Just give me a second.

Just give me a second.

The donkey's not coming with me.

Hold on.

Types into Google.

Who would win in a fight, a donkey or a ghost?

No, but I ended up on CaliforniaPsychics.com.

So, you know, a very reputable source.

And donkeys.

These are left-wing psychics, though.

They are considered spirit slash totem animals.

Not my words.

California psychics words.

Yeah.

They say they have intuitive powers that keep them out of danger's way.

Well, spoilers for later in the movie.

Wow.

They can see into the spirit realm.

Well, just saying maybe grandpa had some smart ideas.

Had some points.

Yeah.

Maybe, do you think that's why the rights rescue them?

Is that they see like how many gay people we're letting get married and they're like, we need the donkeys now more than ever.

For the ratio.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think it's very practical still, though.

Like, okay, they can see into the spirit realm.

So you have a donkey with you at all times and the donkey's just like, this is a demon.

Now what do you do?

Hey, not for nothing.

The grandpa died around copious donkeys.

A donkey was like, there's a demon.

And he was like, I'm dead.

So lots of donkeys.

The dad, the grandpa

painting of a donkey.

We did our part.

He didn't listen.

He had a wallet with photos of donkeys in it.

Like he had a donkey shirt on.

He had everything donkey and still got killed.

What would you say you do here, donkeys?

I let him know.

I'm just a warning vessel.

Look, if you get an ADT for your house, you also have to call the cops.

Okay.

Don't put this on me.

This is impractical.

You're impractical.

Try a scythe next time.

I will.

Okay.

So now it's time for more exposition because it's another scene.

And they literally open this scene by being like, hey, the thing you said three seconds ago, can we talk about that more?

And she's like, yes.

Your grandfather uncovered things

on this property.

And I wrote in my notes as a joke, do we have to wait until the next animal before you tell us what the fuck that means?

But they do.

That is what happens next in the movie.

I love that they leave the last scene and then walk back into the same exact spot in the corner to continue a conversation for this scene.

The right family style is the best.

They think you have to physically exit and physically enter every scene.

It's the best.

Yeah, no one's ever doing anything else when a scene starts.

It's always like, Hey, we are starting existence right now in this moment.

If you have memento disease, the right family films are made for you.

Also, I know Abby probably works very hard.

However, these are the stupidest instructions in the entire world.

She's like, I'm going to show you how to feed these donkeys.

One scoop in the morning, one scoop at night.

And that's it.

Wow.

Wow.

That could have been a text.

Sorry, give me a second.

I'm writing this down.

I got to memorize this.

Also, it wasn't a whole scoop.

So I'm just saying Abby's not even doing her job.

She's starving the donkeys.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, they were too hungry to defend the dad.

This is where Abby fills us in on the kind of information that only CaliforniaPsychics.com uses available.

That donkeys are very spiritual animals.

And I immediately were picturing like the animals as all the friends of my wife that I hate.

They were like,

oh, he's such a Libra.

Okay, donkeys.

So now they move to the next animal, or as Heath have it in his notes, they leave and come back again.

Yeah, yeah.

For I think the third time that they're doing that.

And they're like, okay, so what do you do about the ghosts?

And she explains, please correct me if I'm wrong here, that she just kind of accepts the ghosts as a shitty co-worker.

Yeah, which is how I imagine everyone talks about me in podcasting.

It's like, I know, I can't.

Yeah, it gets, it gets very real for a second where they're like, wow, what do you do?

She's like, well, Unions aren't very strong in this country anymore.

And OSHA doesn't listen to my complaints.

So I just, I think think I'll probably die one day.

I don't know.

I'm going to just keep doing my job because I don't have health insurance.

We've got this scythe.

So, yeah, I got, I mean, yeah, hopefully it doesn't like the scythe.

Elections have consequences.

You know, I'm still supporting Trump, though, because I think Trump's really going to get things going.

I just don't trust Kamala.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I'm literally dying of whiteness is what she says.

I'm dying of my own ignorance.

Yeah.

She just starts to cut her own head off with a scythe.

Oh my God, we're coming up with a blame trans children.

We're coming up to mine and Lydia's favorite, second favorite.

I don't know.

It's hard.

Small books is close.

These are the two things

that we have been saying all day.

Hey, small books.

It's the best.

Take us there, Smiths.

What happens next?

So, first, we have Abby runs and attacks a rat with a scythe, which is the stupidest thing.

But she doesn't because it's just dirty.

They show the rat, and it's just like a dead rat with some dirt.

The rat was coincidentally killed by a cat, and they're like, let's use this.

Zero blood.

It is very important important that we clarify.

The Wrights found a dead rat on their property

and were like, we should put this in the movie.

We can use this.

Yeah.

Wow.

What a great thing.

If you find a dead rat on your property and you think, hey, this should be part of my job, you should start your life over from the beginning.

You should dress up as a baby and hope someone just raises you from the start again.

That's my thought.

I feel like there's, you know, eight hours of cutscenes where Abby was trying to kill a live rat with a scythe and then they found this rat and they were like, oh my God, thank you.

Because they're sitting there eating their crafties, aka the pizza they were allowed to order as payment for this movie, right?

And they were like, hey, Jamie, you could kill a rat, right?

And she was like, sure could.

I'm getting pretty good with this scythe.

Four days later, they gave up.

Like Quentin Tarantino and Django Unchained.

Do you have any idea how hard it would be to kill a rat with a with a little hand?

It's not the big like the, you know, that the Grim Reaper has either.

Thomas, I know that.

Yeah.

I know that.

It's amazing.

It's the right family.

It's impractical.

I'd rather try to kill a rat with a dump.

Exterminator.

Could a rat have died without me seeing it?

Exactly.

Yeah.

So this is where Abby is going to give some more exposition to dad this time.

She explains that grandpa found a human skull while he was digging the well.

Okay.

So.

After that pointless scene that I forgot about, the so dumb where she hits nothing with her scythe and then whatever,

now the girls have to debrief the dad and they discover they they're here's why she's carrying the scythe the ghosts are afraid of it it's the yes it was probably what they were murdered with because the scythe was found with the skull which is a fact that we hear no fewer than seven more times in this movie yeah because they forgot dad reads it in the journal yeah that he found in the wall yeah and they do two more scenes without an unusual tool also yeah grandpa doesn't even know what a scythe is they do a scene later where they say it twice in the same scene because they forgot they already did it.

They will say it over and over again throughout the rest of the movie, yes.

And so, but this is the first time.

And so this is the realization.

To Abby.

The scythe, the thing she's always carrying around, that's the tool.

She says it brings her protection from the ghost.

That's why it brings her protection.

That's what killed the ghost.

She carries it around because it's afraid of it.

That's the answer.

We have to get that away from Abby.

She doesn't live here.

We do.

If we had that here, it could buy us enough time to figure out how to get rid of this thing.

She'll kill us if we try to get that from her.

She will never put it down.

You're right.

That's all that poor girl has.

Abby's just sleeping, making like cute snore noises, and they're trying to like slowly pull a scythe out from under the pillow.

But the turn on the dime from this guy.

We need to get it.

After all, we live here, not her.

But she will never get...

You're right.

It's all she has.

We'll never get.

Oh,

turn on a dime.

It is so brilliant.

All right.

New plan.

Oh.

We'll have to buy ourselves time some other way.

That level of comedy, I could never think of it.

Yeah.

Like there's.

They, oh, they inadvertently create the funniest sequences of words and things.

It's amazing.

I love.

This was a gift.

Thank you.

Thank you for having us on to watch this.

I enjoyed it so much.

My life is richer from having watched this film.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Enriched in life.

Oh, and this is where dad explains that if a ghost is afraid of one thing aside, it's got to be afraid of something else.

But why would that be true?

Yeah.

Also, never comes back and is not true in the movie.

So do with that what you will.

So one of the girls gets spooked by the the ghost again.

She hears some words.

It doesn't really matter.

The words didn't happen.

Yeah, the words didn't happen.

One thing, though, is that she walks out of this forest with zero motive, zero urgency, even though the motive is literally the line that she just said.

I have to show dad.

It's a clue.

And then she kind of like crawls

away.

Like, yeah,

but she did try to pull a great trick, which was, which was she's like, I heard you.

You said help me.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, okay.

That's like if you do like, no, I will not make out with you, ghost.

Why are you?

Oh, I heard you.

You said I'm just a stupid fucking ghost.

I should probably stop haunting us and crinkling trees.

Ghost says what?

And like, see if it works.

Yeah, it's worth,

it's worth a try.

I don't know.

So she goes in to tell her dad

what just happened in the movie.

And the ghost has left her.

So when she gets spooked by the ghost, she falls over and finds a message in the bottle.

Yeah.

From the ghost?

Yeah.

And I had the signal where I'm like, the ghost is like, fuck, these people are so stupid.

I think I'm going to help them out a little bit with this whole haunting.

Like, it's too easy.

You know, like, maybe I'll give them a hint.

To be clear, you don't need to put messages in a bottle unless you are putting them in water.

That's not just a place to put messages.

I mean, I suppose it would weatherproof it no matter where you put it, but it is odd that the ghost was like, Yeah, I mean, I don't want to put it in a Ziploc bag.

That feels kind of anticlimactic.

Tin foil?

Message in a tinfoil.

He doesn't want to put plastic in the ground, you know.

Oh, God.

Microplastics leaching.

Yeah, exactly.

What is the, what is, how does this fit with the lore of this movie is what I want to know.

Like, what, who put a message in a?

Okay, this used to be underwater.

This entire place used to be an ocean.

And there was someone who put a message.

I don't know, but we find out from that crinkled paper.

Mrs.

Edwards vanishes without a trace was the headline of the newspaper.

Yeah.

Mrs.

Edwards.

Okay, sure.

And they will spend now.

And now they'll be like, gosh, I wonder who that is or if we could find out anything about her.

They have this weird scene where it feels like David lied about like, I know some people at the FBI and the kids are calling him out about it on camera.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cause they're like, you, Dad, you had great experience in the military where you won three purple hearts and know everyone who's super cool and badass and can do everything.

He's like, yeah, but I mean, they all, I retired and they retired.

Everyone retired at the same same time as i did retired the same day i did they were like we can't work here anymore without you and they also left we were on a yick yak together and that's all that's website

oh god so now he does call his military buddy question i have an important question for you guys this is the first of what i strongly believe in my heart is a series of ai that they had do acting i'm not even joking i think they had voice what you eli you're more familiar with this stuff that the chat bots that can do voice now i'm pretty certain that's every single phone call and it may have even been the first one i don't know but like this voice it's expressionless it's completely lifeless and in a way that's even more noticeable relative to the rights like that's how bad it's an ai that was trained on the right family movie

yeah and it just was like i can't exist like somehow that's like hollowness squared.

I don't even know how to do that.

No, so I from my previous exposure to the Wright family films, that's David Wright doing a voice.

And since

David Wright, there's no, I'm playing this.

There's no jump up on Amazon.

Jump on Amazon, Thomas.

We have the answers.

Apparently the lady that my father bought the house from went missing.

Give me the name.

All I have is the name Edwards.

Do you have a social?

Look, I wouldn't ask for help if it wasn't important.

Give me until tonight.

I'll have something for you.

That's just an AI.

That's not a research.

Check it out.

Get on Amazon.

Lydia, I know you've already done the research on this.

Oh, no, no, not on this.

That guy is busy with donkeys and rocks.

Okay, that one.

The next one is an author.

Okay.

Oh, now it's James.

You know, James.

Each of their names is alliterative.

I think it's a clue.

Because that was Greg Gorham.

Yeah.

And then later the author that they called, which is even more AI.

I have to play that one.

It's hilarious.

Murdo Morrison.

Murdo Morrison.

Are you telling me these are real people, Eli?

Is that your theory?

No, I'm telling you, it's him doing a voice.

Why?

But no, it's AI.

It's fucking AI.

I know it.

Why would they have him?

Why would they put a different person in the cat?

This is from the IMDB.

I'm doing the thing you said.

Murdo Morrison.

Murdo Morrison is a fake person they made up to cover their AI.

He's an AI actor that they put.

It may be the name of the AI personality.

Okay, we'll get to it and play that one.

And we'll see.

We'll see.

We're going to hear from Murdo.

Yeah.

Anyways, it's time for the girls to get scared again because it's an odd-numbered scene.

This time they just get scared by the lights flicking on and off.

And the only reason I mentioned this is because the girl, like after that happens, flicks the lights on and off.

And it's identical to what has just happened.

And she doesn't go, oh, I guess the ghost just flicked the lights on and off.

By the way, he called his hot shot detective buddy and said, first name, essentially, first name Mrs.

Last name Edwards.

Yeah.

And he's like, give me an hour.

Okay, sure.

Yeah.

And then he's got, so then he's been referred to an author that we're to believe he's talking to?

Yeah, apparently.

And here, I'm going to play this AI, definitely AI for you.

I found your phone number in my father's journal and your book in his library.

Your father did reach out to me about some activity he was having.

I gave him a list of things that I thought would help him.

But we were both coming up short on ideas.

It's crashing through walls.

It's turning lights on and off.

It's turning showers on.

I've never experienced or heard of this powerful of an entity.

The last time we spoke, I had him get rid of some potential trigger objects.

I never heard from him again.

That's because he recently died of a heart attack.

We can explore the trigger object prospect again.

No reaction.

Okay, Thomas, I'm not.

That's AI.

I have done that to multiple people at atheist conventions levels where someone's been like, my dad got eaten by bears last week.

And I've been like, yeah, man.

So did you want a bumper sticker or not?

I think I missed that entire thing because I was just looking at the fact that Chicka Chicka Boom Boom was up on the other side.

Oh, yeah, one of the two of it.

It's a good one.

Yeah.

Also, Wacky Wednesday and the Lorax.

Yeah.

And the Lorax.

I was surprised to see the Lorax.

Yeah.

How many kids was his grandpa Harvey like?

Yeah.

Why is it there?

The kids say they never saw their grandpa, but chicka chicka boom boom.

Great book.

More crimes uncovered.

Anyway.

all right.

So now it's time for some more ominous donkeys, and they're going to get some more information from Abby.

I really picked up on Abby saying that most of the time she's working and it leaves her alone.

So, like, the ghost is really into capitalism and you know,

profiting off of maybe the ghost podcast too much.

But then I take a bathroom break and it starts haunting me again.

So I just start peeing in bottles.

Lydia, does the ghost podcast too much?

Is there something you want to tell the ghost?

All right.

So now it's time for dad to get a call from his military guy.

In spite of the fact that he had Mrs.

Edwards as his only clue,

he does, in fact, have information for him

from the FBI.

Yeah, missing person case.

We find out it's an FBI, yeah.

And fingerprint identification, and Abby reported her missing.

Okay, can we talk about the fingerprint identification?

Because

this guy has a huge poster for fingerprinting, way bigger than the donkey painting.

So I feel like he really loves fingerprints because like that's the indicator, right?

How much you like something.

I love how you say this guy.

There is no guy.

Oh yeah, it's just a wig.

It's just a wall.

Yeah, they just filmed a wall.

It's David Wright in a wig.

I'm telling you.

He pushed a bad wig too.

But the camera focuses solely on the wall instead of whatever the scene's supposed to be because they know they don't have another person.

Right.

And it might be him in a wig, sure.

But like, that it's hilarious to me.

They show like the FBI seal.

Oh, okay.

So we must be in Mr.

FBI's house or something.

Like,

what are we talking about?

Yeah, there might as well be an address plate outside that says the FBI, wherever they are.

Virginia, question mark.

I'm looking at the frame right now.

It has.

three inches of gray hair that might be a wig.

And that's as much as you see of the person talking in the whole scene.

You just see.

Okay, but the room doesn't own the fingerprinting poster.

The guy does.

No, but I know it's just that this is their way of making it look seem like they have another character when really it's just Murdo Morrison or whatever the fuck.

Murdo Morrison, one of David's many aliases.

Okay.

Oh, my, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Eli.

This is breaking news.

This is very important.

Please.

I have frozen frame on the, I almost want to send you a screenshot.

I have frozen frame on the FBI.

scene and i we were talking about how the stuff is on the walls just to make it seem like there's another character and there's not They have gone to either like you know those websites that'll frame stuff for you, but it's super cheap and shitty looking.

They have framed an internet printed picture that says UCR, Federal Bureau of Investigation, Uniform Crime Reporting.

And they just like printed that as though someone who works at the FBI would like frame that and hang it on their wall like it's a peculiar picture.

Like it's a fucking diploma.

Yeah, it is.

It is exactly like that.

Then there's the fingerprint.

And then I noticed to the left, still in frame, is a poster with a horse on it, meaning they're still in the fucking barn.

And they didn't pan enough

to get out of the thing.

I swear to God, there's like a fucking donkey poster that's just out of frame.

It's so good.

God, I love these people.

I love, can you tell them I love them?

Please, hey, please.

Hey, they know.

Thomas.

Hey, Thomas, they know.

They listen to every word of the, I can't promise you much.

They listen to every word of these podcasts and they know that we love them.

They also know it because they now have $600 worth of Patreon, which is maybe the time

that they didn't have before a week before this podcast.

So, yeah.

Okay.

So now it's time to talk to Abby about her dark backstory.

There's this great moment, right, where they're trying to set it up in the dialogue, and the girls are like, Do you want to know anything about us?

And she's like, no.

And they're like, cool.

All right.

Do you have a dark backstory?

And she does.

Her mother didn't want her, so she dumped her in the foster care system.

She found her grandmother.

Yeah.

And then her grandmother knew the guy who owned the farm, grandpa.

And that's how she ended up working here.

This is inexplicable.

By the time we get to the end, I have to have Lydia.

Lydia conditioned my own family.

This home is really tough.

Yeah.

There's a hole in my brain where there's supposed to be anything about family.

So I'll often ask my wife, like, hey, how am I related to this person?

She'll explain like my own family treatment.

It's your son.

And Arlo.

Exactly.

And so I need at the end, I need Lydia to tell me the fucking unwrap the tape.

It gets weirder.

Just

it does get, in fact, weirder.

It does.

And one other thing I want to point out about this scene, because I loved it so much.

She's doing this very heavy exposition, which will not matter to the movie at all.

But while she does it, one of the donkeys noses in between them and is like, hey, are we expositing?

I want to do something.

My name's Greg.

Hi.

Oh, no, we're just doing her.

Okay.

I guess you can cut the camera then.

Another donkey with like an FBI uniform walks in.

Oh, my.

Sorry.

Yeah.

It was, I might have been earlier, but at some point, my favorite bit of the donkey propaganda is the little girl says, Wow, people never show how donkeys really are.

They're so cute.

So cute and so worth wrestling.

Rescuing.

Patreon.com/slash donkey rescue.

DonkeyRescue.com/slash donkey rescue.

Opening arguments.

Opening arguments.

Okay, now, and I cannot explain this enough.

You know how the lights have been flickering because of ghosts and the things have been broken because of ghosts?

Now we're going to just have a scene that's a misunderstanding where he calls up the stairs.

He's like, girls, I'm going to turn the power out, but they're not listening because they're on their headphones.

So they're like, uh-oh, do you think that was the ghost?

And then he turns the power back on and they're like, never mind, the power's back on.

Here's the best part.

He says, I'm going to cut the power.

He goes and turns off the power and then leaves.

And then sometime later, he turns it back on with no explanation for why he ever turned it off to begin.

There's zero reason.

He carries like a fence at one point that doesn't end up.

He says it as though this is a thing that you do from time to time.

Oh, I'm just going to go down to the basement and cut the power to the house.

I bet David Wright does that to prepare them for an EMP attack every so often.

He's like, sorry, girls, EMP day.

And they're like, oh, man.

For sure.

He's testing a Faraday cage about something.

Yeah.

I guess, or maybe we missed an AI phone call where they're like, have you tried turning the house off and back on?

Did they get rid of that?

Yeah, that would have been.

Is there a reason electricity would be there even when I'm not turning it on?

There is no, no explanation for this.

Like when they just did a, I'm cutting the power off.

Yeah.

That's it.

Does that happen to you from time to time?

Thomas, you're the one who's supposed to be our source of poor things that happen on a phone.

No, you don't have that either.

Exactly.

Sorry.

This happened to me and Heath in Saberna?

Yeah.

Did your dad just say that?

Did you have a royal castle she's descended from?

Relax.

This is nothing.

It's so incredible.

Why do you

absolutely credit?

That scene was absolutely nothing.

Nothing happened.

There was no reason for it.

I think just David and Ashley couldn't get the kids off their iPads to do the movie that day.

I think that means we all get a quick break for a little screen time.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Will we learn how to rebuke a demon correctly?

Will it be very technical and rule-based?

Will it come from what appears to be an IKEA man?

Find out the answer to these questions more when we return for the Christian right conclusion of Hillick Haunting.

Hey, Abby, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

What do you need?

Hey, can you stop scraping your sickle against the wall for a second?

Is it bothering you?

yes

okay

right so my girls mentioned you might know something about this ghost hmm what do you want to know um

all

the pertinent information you have about the ghost you don't want to ask me questions nope no it's not like a riddle situation if you could just give me all the information you have about the ghost now.

Feels like that would be a lot.

Okay, well, I'm glad to hear it's a lot.

Uh, but just sort of as a general rule, if you have demon information about the workplace, that's kind of yeah, it's kind of a self-report situation, like entirely.

Got it, got it.

So, if I've been talking to the skull to make a bargain for your lie, I would love to know about that, yes.

Got it.

Have you been talking to the skull?

Yep, great, good to know,

And we're back.

When we left off, dad replaced a fuse and

no, probably not.

He did something.

He just turned off the power and then turned it back on.

That's all I did.

Turn it back on.

I love you trying to sanitize this insanity, but that's not what happened.

I'm trying to help him out.

But either way, a demon ran away foiled from something.

Yep.

And now we cut to Abby sitting at her evil altar in the woods with a skull and candles that she made.

And I love this.

She's trying to negotiate like a hostage deal with the demon.

Yeah.

She's like, look, I know you're scared of my super cool sickle.

So I'll bury my sickle if you leave this family alone.

Huh?

I wanted the demon to be like, I'm a, I don't make deals.

I'm a demon.

I just do whatever.

You're breaking my bones, Abby.

You're breaking my bones.

Yeah, like, like, the demon's actually a keen negotiator.

Ooh, I don't know.

It costs.

I've seen my friend over at at the uh hill the house uh next the next hill over two sickles and then the guy the idiot the the main dude spies on her and

trips on his way up oh this is almost my best word absolutely trips for no reason

and i was like oh my brain that's a logical person who's a human who's been in the world and seen movies is like ah That's him tripping the sound.

We'll give him away.

Exactly.

And then Abby will look over and say, hey, nope, he just trips

is that the sound of crackling tripping by a human no he just trips cut nothing it didn't matter the end it's the best and the wife was like i'm keeping it in there he has to pretend it's in the script that he likes trips so he has to act out tripping and it goes so badly that he really trips that he hurts himself that's what i was gonna say we get to watch him go from the bad fake trip to the real trip where he's like oh help me jesus

so now we get a scene where the girls are dressed like rambo for some reason.

Well, he takes the skull as the only one.

Oh, yes, yes, he takes the skull.

And now we get the scene where the girls are dressed like Rambo and they do slam poetry about the ghosts into the jokes.

This is also where we get our only donkey warning, right?

They're sitting there and the donkey goes like,

and they're like, Yeah, that's the look behind you.

Yeah, that's the donkey alarm.

I've been also really confused with the transitions between scenes.

Oh, that's right.

And like daytime, nighttime.

Like, I can't keep track of any of it.

It's nighttime all of a a sudden now.

Are they back in the basement at this point?

Yeah.

Dad's testing the Faraday cage again.

We don't know if he ever turned the lights back on.

One thing I've kept wanting to throw in somewhere was that it's been a mystery this whole movie why the 87-year-old man died.

They're like, he can't have just died of a heart attack.

He couldn't have just died of a heart attack as an 87-year-old man.

There's no way.

And so I think in this scene, they're like,

this explains it.

You're like, you didn't need to explain anything.

He was 100 years old.

He died.

Yeah.

But this is an Ashley Wright film, my friends, which means it's time for Ashley

Wright to step in.

She's going to be our Christian psychic.

Yeah.

And I will remind you that again, all of the Wright family films operate on two levels.

One, it is a chance to order takeout.

Two, it is her and David's sexual roleplay.

And the tension in the air is.

Oh my God, Eli, my note said weirdest porno setup ever.

Cause like I got that vibe.

I really, really did.

I was like, I feel like I need to leave.

For sure.

You guys need a moment.

I don't speak robots.

So I'm not picking up on any of this quote unquote tension because listen to this quote.

Ever since my wife died, I've just been a loaner.

How much do you charge?

And she says, I don't charge people for a gift that was given to me for free.

Thank you.

What's that gift, Ashley?

Yeah.

We're going to find out.

She's got that aloof sexual energy.

Yeah, right?

Brown chicken, brown cow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was really trying to do, like, I don't know how I'm going to pay for this weird Christian psychic reading.

Yeah, exactly.

He can't afford the psychic pizza.

Which they did order.

Yeah, they did order.

This is all coming together.

Yeah.

So that skull that they use as a prop, they fucked the shit out of that skull right off the cup.

Oh, yeah.

200%.

That is a sticky prop.

That had all its teeth before the shooting and did not at the end.

The candles were actually a cover.

They're like, oh, we'll just say it's white candle wax.

Yeah.

Come everywhere.

Yes, that is what I was saying.

Do you mean come?

Yes.

Do you mean come?

I mean ejaculate.

Yes.

Come was the thing that was.

You're welcome.

Opening argument.

All right.

So the next morning, Abby's doing her part.

She's digging a hole and putting the scythe inside.

In one inch of sand.

Sand.

Where's the sand coming from?

It's like a kid's play box area.

And like a single rain is going to wash that right off.

And Lydia, I'm not sure about this, but the size of the sand in terms of its coarseness is inappropriate to bury a scythe.

I agree.

I 100% agree.

Your research, how was that sand doing in a commercial environment?

Based on the terrain, there's no way that sand could have occurred naturally.

So then she goes back to find the skull to tell him that she's done her part of the deal, but someone has taken it.

She's been so long.

Also, she's like, yeah.

Coming back in the forest.

She says, I'm coming.

Sorry, it took me so long.

And I was like, same girl, getting old.

I get it.

So I had to dig nearly an inch of sand.

That took almost 13 seconds.

I like the idea, but this implies that, like, in the past, when she's done things for the skull, she's gotten back and the demon that inhabits it has been snippy.

yeah it's been like oh 20 minutes oh nice to see you it's not as though time passes way slower here in the spirit route but a thousand years for me that's cool that's cool i was just talking to satan he's nicer than you no big deal whatever

and then we get the example of the cuts that are so bad here that they literally cut it such that it looks like abby is spying on herself

they cut they show her walking through the forest and they quick cut to her crouching so it's like is she watching

herself walking out?

She watches the watch.

Yeah.

Ah, I know who stole the skull.

It was me.

What?

Yes.

But then it's the girls and she sort of confronts.

She's like, hey, did you guys find anything?

And they're like, no.

And she's like, just for the record, no stealing skulls.

And they're like,

okay.

All right.

Goodbye.

So good.

All right.

So David is now going to fix the hole that the ghost punched in the wall.

But what?

What is

he finding?

Another small book?

I all too will reach into a wall of an old place while I'm repairing it without gloves.

I'll just reach down in there.

Just get in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And this is where he finds his dad's secret.

Somebody, please explain how this got here.

Okay.

So.

Nope, he can't do it.

It's impossible.

he knew he was about to have a heart attack and put it in the wall no i think he hit it a long time ago yeah okay but why i don't know because he's ashamed of having sex with so he needs to keep the journal but not get rid of it but also put it in a wall where and then drywall over it well i guess it's evidence that he knows a murder occurred so then nothing just throw it away i don't don't write it i think don't write it

write it then don't write down your murders It is a pretty good policy.

I'm not trying to like help out murderers here, but that seems

the move.

Don't.

So now David is filling Ashley the psychic in on the plot of the movie so far.

She's telling him that the ghost is an old woman, which again, we already knew based on the rest of the movie, but he's really blown away by that.

He's like, how can you see her clothes?

And I wrote in my notes, she's a psychic, but this is where she explains that he's a psychic shield.

I wrote in my notes in this morning.

This is nine-year-olds playing with Ghostbusters toys level of stupid.

I also love it, though, because it's so on brand because it's almost, she's, she's almost saying, like, you know how you aren't open to knowing anything about anyone else's thoughts or feelings and you just go about the life of the world as a man, not caring about any of that stuff.

Yeah, you're a shield.

You're a shield.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know how you're not generous about the skull sometimes?

Also,

it's my turn.

Some people need more time with the skull than you, David.

This is also where we get the first hint of Christianity.

Yes, this is a christian movie it is this is where she says i'm not god i don't know everything

yeah this is also as he's like sharing this information one of the most confusing things right from this journal that was in the wall that i don't think we talked about was that the old woman that he was in love with named Martha and Martha's daughter Abby, who he also loved.

But not Abby that we know.

No, we don't know that yet, though, but we don't know that yet.

So exactly.

So he loved Martha and Abby, and then he got Abby pregnant.

He also liked Abba the band, but that's our.

He also wrote, like, while I'm here writing a wall journal, I tell you what, there's not enough dark secrets to fill the whole wall journal.

So I'm also going to write some like casual stuff in there, too.

I don't think the Godfather movies are that good.

Everyone's always ranting.

Oh, shit.

It was, I farted in the elevator the other day and I didn't tell anyone, but it's, I mean, this goes in the wall, too.

I don't finish to gay porn, but I watch it.

And yeah, and for us, Heath, you're right.

Like, we don't know.

We don't know that it's a different Abbey at this point.

Thank God it is.

So confusing.

But so he's explaining it to Ashley in this scene.

And he says, No, not this Abbey, the other Abbey.

I know it's confusing.

I love it.

I don't know why we're nearly there.

It seems like we could have written it differently.

Why did we do that?

Okay, I think what happened was the wife obviously came up with this and he was not happy with the script direction.

So

I know it's confusing, but okay, so they're both named Abby.

They're both named Abby.

And I actually, it was my turn with the skull, is also in the script now.

Go fuck yourself.

I think it's supposed to be a misdirect.

Like, maybe Abby's a ghost the whole time.

I don't know.

And then, but the grandpa impregnated her.

Yeah, the grandpa.

You have to explain.

We're not even there yet, hunt, but you do have to explain whatever this family dynamic is because it just got more confusing.

But also, this is where we learn that the woman who made this movie, Methhead Miley Cyrus.

Ashley Hays, right?

Yeah.

There's rules.

We get like a T3B Eve, but for ghosts.

Oh, because she's like, the spirits have rules.

The dad is like, cannot believe that these spirits don't respect his property rights.

Yeah.

Like, he's literally like, but it's my property.

I'm a Fremen on the land.

According to the Constitution.

I own this property and this ghost, it's the funniest dialogue.

I was traveling.

Yeah.

She explains that, like, you took ownership of the evil land, and that counts now as you are in charge of dealing dealing with the demon they 100 will try to sovereign citizen these ghosts later it's amazing they they actually will do that and we also get my favorite line of the movie where she's explaining all that and then she says yeah so the spirit realm operates on rules yeah kind of

the entire line i love it she's like i went to spirit law school for like four years i know what i'm talking about don't argue anymore i'm i studied a lot to be able to do this job so yeah so now they know so again what she clarifies in this scene after the rules is that there is an old lady ghost as we talked about but there is also a demon yeah yep and the demon is the one causing the trouble at night yeah the ghost is honestly just giving us like clues as to the plot of the movie but is also the one who killed the the grandpa because yeah the demon is an additional thing that has come because she says someone has been Have you been talking to the dead?

And he's like, no,

we know this house, my rules, my house, my rules.

We don't talk to, like, he's certain that no one here has talked to the dead.

But the trick is, oh, but it's been Abby talking to the skull.

And so that addition, the rules say,

the bylaws say that a dog can't, and there's no rule that says a dog can't talk to you as well.

And also.

A demon can't haunt an old lady.

Yep.

If you talk to skulls long enough, then a demon in addition to the ghost will come and they have a little turf battle over over it.

Yeah, and the demon is a turf, actually.

It's yeah, both.

Yeah, and it would depend if that shrine

is so much inside the property line or outside the property line.

Yeah,

no, he literally says everyone knows not to contact the dead.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, I didn't know.

I might have not known that.

How little I know, yeah.

So now it's time for him to confront Abby about it, right?

Okay, small detail.

He's wearing a non-camouflage t-shirt for the first time I've ever seen.

He's always...

It's a Blue Lives Matter t-shirt, everybody.

He's literally always wearing camo and an American flag on every piece of clothing he ever has.

But this time, there's no camo, but it's a t-shirt for a camo company called Realtree.

Hell yeah.

Yes.

It's what he wears when he works in the office at the camo.

He worked to their wedding.

But this is where Abby gives it away.

The dad didn't turn into the skull.

He kept it in the woods like a pet or something and would tell the skull he loved it.

Yeah.

I guess.

I wrote in my notes, did you notice him ever putting a mouth guard on the skull?

This is important.

Then we have another scene.

Ghost flicks some lights, bothers the girls again.

The next day.

Psychic Ashley, it's time to get down to Jesus business.

Yeah, because Ashley wants to know if he's Christian, because the only way to defeat the devil is with jesus extra jesus so the whole point of this scene is that if you want to get rid of a demon you can't just be normal christian you have to be all the way christian yeah you got to pledge to our donkey patreon and you have to traumatize your child yeah halfway through the scene they're basically like you can't be christian enough your daughter's gonna do it

And so the next scene, she's preparing the daughter.

And I just have to point out that she is like super duper reading from the script in this scene.

Oh, yeah.

They do this scene.

They're both looking forward, or actually the mom can't look at the kid.

The mom is looking a different direction.

Yeah.

And it's like they're riding a bus or something.

Like they're sitting next to each other.

She's looking a different direction.

The kid's actually making actual human contact a little bit and is doing the scene to the back of her head.

Yeah.

But why, but why?

Because she's reading.

She's reading.

She's reading from like

she's like, okay, anti-demon flowchart.

If that doesn't work, then hold on.

Just let me slip ahead.

And the point of this pep talk seems to be like, you're not trapped in here with the ghost.

The ghost is trapped in here with you.

Yeah.

So now it's time to kick some demon ass.

Gold fringe on the sheet.

There we go.

Yes, baby.

It is.

They are going to.

Sovereign citizen this ghost out of here.

And I'm not joking in the least.

No.

It makes sense why these idiots become sovereign citizens.

They really think there's these weird rules about the ghosts and about the law.

It's the same thing.

It's amazing.

So apparently in this one and actually in a lot of exorcism movies, the rule is you tell the demon the rules out loud and then it has to leave.

And you're like, ah,

you got me.

Clause 18, subsection B.

I do have to technically.

Get me here.

The power of Christ does compel me now.

God.

Now, but yeah, she yells Jesus, you know, subsection B and the

rules over all, even you.

But yeah, she's like, I'm calling your manager.

His name is Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

But it still doesn't work.

And then she remembers, and I swear to God, I'm not making this up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

I need to give him a time limit.

Because he's Arlo and he needs transition heads up.

Oh, no.

This was the best.

She's actually like, I'm going to count to three

and then no more demoning here.

And she does the like two and a half.

He needs specificity.

Yeah.

She literally says, I have to give it a time.

Give it a time limit.

Yeah.

I really wanted her to do the Miss Rachel thing I have have to do for my son of five minutes left.

She does do that and she picks a minute, which I'm like, oh, okay, just pick a second.

Why did you even do a minute?

Exactly.

Seems weird.

And then it works.

She just had to gold fringe on the flag time limit.

And then the ghost put down the switch and ate its fucking dinner like we have our listening.

Okay, Juhan, now is your time because we get the big final scene.

All right.

Put it all together.

Solve this puzzle for us.

Yeah, where we find out this family tree, I have no fucking idea.

Please, God, tell me what happened here.

Okay, first of all, Abby doesn't have any makeup all of a sudden.

Yeah, all of a sudden, the makeup was part of the demon.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

Her outfit's totally different.

She's wearing like flannel now.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

They should have had scenes earlier in where people were like, oh, nice makeup.

She's like, what makeup?

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Whereas just the demon in the whole scene.

Yeah.

So, grandpa was a weirdo creep and he was really into Martha and Martha's daughter, Abby, not our Abby, different Abby.

A Woody Allen.

He was doing a Woody Allen.

Doing a Woody Allen.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And he decided to, he ended up getting Abby pregnant, but like was in love with Martha.

Okay.

Abby was not.

probably not into that he was in love with Martha.

So she killed her mom, Martha, gave birth to her daughter, who she named Abby for some reason.

And then Abby, the one that we know, was given up for adoption by Abby, the murderer.

Given up for adoption.

And she's sisters with David, which means that she's the girl's aunt.

Yes.

And her mom and the grandma are both gone.

They're both dead.

Did anyone understand that?

I got it.

I agree with you.

That is the truth.

It's a Woody Allen because I think we can all agree.

And look, I'm going to say something brave here.

I think we can agree that the monster of this movie turned out to be monogamy.

Am I right?

Maybe Martha and Abby could have worked it out.

But also, how do the ages work out?

I don't understand how the

87-year-old dude, I get that you can make babies as a dude for a long time, but how old were these women?

Yeah, no, it's very uncomfortable.

What was also uncomfortable for me was how long that hug was.

Oh, yeah, at the end,

they do a weird hug that's like man the body language is like it's a kiss but it's a hug yeah but for 30 seconds yeah and they don't move and then she pulls out a side and she's like look i found a side

and then cut end of movie

end of movie i think sure

they're setting up a sequel where like abby's back is a demon all of a sudden i believe in them they can do it so lazy okay so the demon that got rebuked in your head, does this demon just like poof out in a snit because like they got told the rules?

And then they're like in the demon realm being like, yeah, counted to three.

I had to go.

Again, I got fucked on that again.

Yeah, absolutely.

They're having demon coffee.

Like, yeah, I know, it's happens to the best of us.

What about the ghost, though?

Did the ghost also have to go?

Or what?

No, the ghost is still there.

Still there.

Okay.

The ghost of the ladies, Martha, is just hanging out.

Just hanging there.

But still like turning lights on and off and turning the shower on.

I guess.

I don't know.

Maybe.

We don't know.

We don't know.

Messages in bottles, small books, just fucking around.

Okay.

I think we do need a sequel because we need to know what's going to happen with Martha the Ghost.

Okay.

Well, great question.

So it's kind of a cliffhanger.

What do you think happened to Martha the Ghost?

And what do you think happened with Abby grabbing that scythe?

Was it just like, oh, no, no, I just, I still like this?

Or is she a demon now?

Wait, yeah.

Does that mean she went to the child's sandbox she buried it in?

I think it was supposed to be like a,

I was, was, I was evil all along, twist.

I believe that's what it's supposed to be.

No, real, what, really?

I think so.

Yeah, no, how explain that to me.

Oh, yeah, no, I know not explanations to this.

That's just what they wrote.

Evil the

time.

No, that's nothing.

Hold on, maybe we'll just play the last 10 seconds just to see.

You know what?

I got good news.

Look what I found.

I remember where I buried the scythe.

Yeah,

see?

I remember where I buried the scythe.

Yeah, it was under like four grains of sand.

Right.

How would you not remember where you buried it?

I think she's evil.

She was tricking him.

And she sounds like an old-timey gangster in your life for her.

Stop.

I'm guessing you.

How dare you even.

I'm here guest-ending you.

I don't.

I don't.

The scythe didn't create the problem.

The skull created the problem.

Ashley, as a $300 patron, I would like to know

what the meaning of this last word was.

All right.

So I think the message is donkeys are magical anti-demon beings, right?

That's like the big

theme here.

And in need of rescue.

All right.

We all agree on that.

I think that's going to do it for our review of Hillick Haunting.

But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie.

Eli, what's on deck?

Well, Heath, a family living in a home in Indiana discover strange demonic occurrences that convince them and the community that the house is a portal to hell.

We'll be watching the deliverance.

Okay, so decidedly not deliverance from 1972.

That's no, no, I figured we would not do that one.

Okay.

Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 479 to a merciful close.

Huge thanks to Lydia and Thomas for joining us.

So

y'all got any cool projects going on?

Anything you want to announce?

Not opening arguments.

Well, we've been having a lot of fun breaking down season two of Things Fell Apart, John Ronson series.

And

undubbed he dubbed.

A lot of fun and also depressing.

Yeah.

Where the weather spoke.

Yeah.

Some awful, awful reporting done by somebody I previously respected.

John Ronson.

So if you want to hear that disappointment.

And also have an existential crisis.

Yeah.

Thomas.

Yeah.

Sure.

Weather spoke.

Perfect.

And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity.

If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com/slash godawful, and that'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, Skepticrat, and Dnd D Minus, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For Lydia, Thomas, and Eli, I'm Heath.

Promising to work hard, turn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes.

The donkeys, all 14 of them, run away from the Wright Family Rescue because it's not worth it to be unpaid in these movies.

Unrescue us now.

We could start a donkey rescue rescue, double donkey rescue, rescue.

Ashley Wright Wright went on to win Best Director at the 2024 World Premier Los Angeles Film Festival, according to something written on the YouTube file where I was watching this.

What?

Yeah.

Also, one of the kids won Best Teen Actor for this movie as well.

If you want to Google that film festival, you can't.

I tried.

It doesn't exist anywhere on the internet.

Yeah.

They haven't gotten to the internet yet.

Roll around Donkey needs an Instagram so I can send him to Heath on an hourly basis.

I actually support that one.

The Hillock family tree did some major crinkling.

Still in the closet.

I am.

Yeah, we went back and forth and then I made the closet slightly better for her.

I'll tell you what.

How about instead of having a room, I moved this coat.

You lucky duck.

I I have foam on the walls now.

Yeah, foam on the walls.

So now I can be locked in here.

Locks from the outside.

Yeah, I was going to say,

if I'm good,

if she does a good recording, she comes out.

Put the microphone in the basket.

If she doesn't, we put Arlo in there with her.

Oh, man.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2024.

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