476: The Clot

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I mean, if you're gonna get a 35K a night fuck, it's gonna be in a place nicer than where the Nigerian prince is.

Yeah.

He's a senator.

A senator.

Excuse me.

A senator.

A senator.

A Nigerian senator?

Yeah.

Then the fucking, you know, Roadside Inn with the old lady's dead body still on the bed that the next scene will take place in.

Yeah, I definitely think so.

Why is she painted like she's a, like she's not done with her baseball furies face makeup yet?

Yeah.

She looks like 90s WWF wrestler gold dust.

Yes.

Look at Spazzle.

Oh my God, incredible.

Gold dust.

Awful

movie.

Movie.

Movie.

Welcome back.

to God-Awful Movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

I'm your host, Heath Enright, and I'm joined by my BFF, Eli Bosnick.

Eli, recording on your birthday.

How are you doing on your birthday?

Woo!

Celebrating this beautiful movie, Heath.

That's what I'm doing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Celebrating.

Interesting.

We also have veteran, masochist, all-stars, Katie and Alan from the Werewolf Ambulance Podcast.

Katie Allen.

Welcome back.

Oh, thanks so much for having us.

Yeah.

Hi, guys.

Very exciting.

And happy birthday.

Alan, when I, thank you.

When I saw this movie, when this movie was dropped into my inbox by a listener, I went four months forward in the calendar and put it into the first day of our Spooktacular with your names next to it.

I've never been more certain.

The day I proposed to my wife, I was less certain than when I plopped your names next to the clot in the how important this movie is in the Oeuvre of horror.

How important this moment was to me, how happy I was.

Whatever comparisons you want to make, they all pale to this movie and this moment.

We are horror experts, I would say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we have done nearly 500 episodes.

Yeah.

That's what I was going to say.

Yeah.

And never this one, though.

Somehow.

No.

And this is the first time I think ever that we've both had to tap out mid-movie.

Like, had to.

I think that's going to make four of us, if I had to guess.

Also, if you ever are in doubt about anything, you had us at hello.

So we were always willing to do that.

100%.

Yeah.

I knew.

I knew this was your calling.

And even though it's your birthday, I'm still going to absolutely shout at you for making me watch this.

Yeah, God knows.

Yes.

Absolutely.

That's what he would want for his birthday.

Yeah.

This is what I wanted for my birthday.

Yeah.

This is how I'm celebrating.

Okay.

So torturing the people I love for Eli's birthday.

Katie, what are we going to be breaking down today?

We watched The Clot.

It's the story of a plucky Ghanaian woman just trying to make it in the modern world, navigating sex, friendships, a career, and long-term relationships.

I actually, I don't know, this movie, it's about abortion, immigration.

Fuck, I can't make the details of this one.

It is an absolute mess.

It's a mess.

It's a movie.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, Eli, how bad was this nightmare?

Well, if you loved vultures of horror, but it's by the book plotting and masterful acting made it all feel a bit too samey for you.

You will love this movie.

I had no idea what was happening in this movie at any given second.

It is terribly written.

It is terribly shot.

There is almost no sound equipment associated with the movie whatsoever.

Except for a newspaper that's very crinkly.

Yes.

That is their movie.

Except for that newspaper, which they, yeah, they captured.

And iPhone buzzes.

iPhone buzzes are the star of the fucking thing.

There are more iPhone buzzes in this film than I think I've.

You could show me a YouTube video of just an iPhone buzzes compilation.

I think it would not match this fucking film.

But to add to that, right, not only are all of these people speaking English as a second language, they are constantly changing wigs.

Constantly.

And then new people are appearing and old characters are appearing in different wigs.

The ability to follow this movie is at its nadir for me.

All right.

I love that this movie gave you a full-blown break.

It did.

Absolutely.

I had a psychotic break.

I'm just saying.

It would have been easier to review a few years ago.

Okay.

So here we are in 2024.

Big election coming up.

Divisive issues all over the place.

Alan, tell us, in the wake of...

The Dobbs ruling, how politically important is this movie?

Oh, thank you so much for asking.

I would say extremely, because it teaches us that every situation can be handled by a vengeful fetus

or something.

We didn't think of letting the fetus solve the issues for itself.

Yeah, I actually cannot argue with that.

And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best, being the best at the worst, at the worst at?

I don't know.

I would like to nominate this one for being the best, worst interpersonal relationships, because we see every character in the movie in a scene together, but I I have no idea how any of them are related.

None.

Nope.

And unless a character declares, you are my son, which I will say, luckily they do do at certain points in the movie.

I never had any idea how any of the characters knew each other.

Spoilers for the movie.

Our main character gets kicked out of the house by someone at the beginning of the movie, who I'm pretty sure is a character at the end of the movie, but I don't know.

Wait, yeah, who was that?

Yeah.

Who There was her aunt, but it's not clear.

Does she come back?

I don't know.

So I think she might be Tanza at the end of the movie.

Oh, the same actor.

Or the same character.

I just don't.

No, this is a documentary.

Yeah.

Right, exactly.

Okay.

I think this fits perfectly into my best worst, which is best worst whiplash-inducing seed jumps.

Fantastic.

They will just go.

They'll be like, hey, can you hand me that cup of water?

I'm in the fucking woods now.

truly it is jarring oh my god i was gonna go with best best

murder stationery yeah

so we'll get to it but there's some murder and the murder character delivers messages on some very fine stationery yeah multiple moments the first moment of murder stationery I laughed so hard and so loud that the university library I was in, the librarian walked over and said, are you okay?

And I had to be like, post it no.

Boost it no.

We'll get to it.

And I was going to go with one more.

Best, worst,

you can only talk to other people if you're both in a car.

Sure.

Seems to be how it works for everybody in this universe.

Yeah.

I think that's how you can assure that the one microphone they have is close to both actors.

Right, exactly.

They were like, this is a great hack

and then i want to talk about the other moment that made me laugh until i literally wept best best wheelchair navigation that's all i'm gonna say

we'll talk about it when the time comes i had i wasn't in a library and a librarian came over and shushed me yeah i was just by myself in my apartment a librarian in the building was like what are you doing

And I was like, come on, the wheel.

I showed the scene.

It's pretty funny.

Why couldn't they take this again?

Okay, well, I think we're going to take a quick break before we get started with this movie proper, and then we'll be back to tell you all about The Klop.

All right, everybody, I'm calling together this first writer's meeting for The Klop.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Wait, why don't we have Ghanaian access?

I think you know why we don't have we used to be brave on this show.

Relax.

Anyway,

we're making our super Christian anti-abortion film.

So, what do you guys think of her content?

Let's see.

High-priced prostitutes?

Drugs.

Murder.

Suicide.

So much sex.

Great, great.

Yeah.

Okay.

Loving those ideas.

Quick question, though.

Will the fact that 90% of our runtime is going to be a titillating movie about prostitutes and fucking, you know, kind of take away from what we all agree is our...

deeply Christian message?

No, no, it's like a passion play, but for hookers.

For hookers, exactly.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to go get on my bikini.

Fantastic.

Yes.

I will say fuck multiple times.

Nice.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

And then boom, right there on my screen.

Oh, that's cool.

Neat.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Oh, hey, I was just showing Alan and Katie how I can mirror my iPhone to my computer screen now.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

That way I can reply right on my phone to any notification that might come up.

But I've also got my email, my full keyboard there.

I can drag things between the two windows.

Sure, yeah.

And then yeah, hey, Eli, it seems like your attention might have been irreparably destroyed by technology here.

And you're using a kind of mask of multitasking to deal with that.

What?

No, I'm...

No, I'm what I.

No, you're not?

Is that what you're going to say?

Not.

Yes.

Sorry.

sorry I was checking an

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All right, Heath.

Hey, putting you on my Insta story.

You know what I'm saying?

You could just say thank you.

Block.

You can't block me.

I'm standing right here.

No, you're not.

I blocked you.

And we're back.

And we're going to start fast.

This This movie is coming in hot with, I think, a woman stabbing a live baby.

Quick fact check, stabbing a baby is actually illegal in every state.

Actually.

Okay.

So what I eventually realized is that this

is the abortion that is the inciting incident flashback of the film.

I realize nothing, but thank you.

Whenever you realize something, anybody just shout it out.

Yeah.

I love how Katie's notes here are just, oh, no, oh, Eli, no, I need a fucking drink already.

This is my first note for this movie.

And I paused to the movie eight seconds in and went into the kitchen and got a bottle of gin.

So my next several notes are messy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Alan has a very moderate.

So this just right out of the gate.

But yeah, so this is, this is what we're going to talk about throughout the movie.

This is a flashback before the incidents of the movie happens.

But apparently, after her abortion, she didn't quite finish the baby off.

So this is accompanied by baby cries and her stabbing this alleged baby to death with a pair of scissors in the toilet.

I think this actually happens mid-movie, doesn't it?

Yeah.

This is the flashback to what happens later.

This is a flash forward that we will later flash back to.

Exactly.

Flash medium.

Yeah.

Flash mid.

Flash mid.

Mid-flash.

Exactly.

So we see that.

And now we cut to the beginning of the movie.

And at the beginning of the movie, Nana, Nana will be the main character of the film.

Let me save you some pain and suffering, listener.

Nana will wear different wigs in multiple scenes in the movie.

So unlike my notes, which are a fucking labyrinth of different characters I was trying to keep track of.

No, this is Nana.

She will wear different wigs in different scenes in the film, but this is nana and she's being kicked out of her house she was supposed to stay with her aunt but her aunt says you need to leave because my daughter is going to come stay with me now yeah i enjoyed that to start the movie the actor playing nana had to be like look at me we're starting the movie i have a line i'm look at me look at me hello hello auntie and then they start talking three two one movie go and now this might be a little bit confusing post that scene so they have two lines of dialogue we now cut back to the flash forward from the beginning of the movie.

So just to be clear, we flashed forward.

Already lost.

We went back, beginning of the movie.

Now we're back forward again to after the abortion.

She's being dropped off by the shady abortionist who says, you know, take a couple of aspirin and don't tell anybody I'm the one who gave you an abortion.

Thank God.

I thought that the aunt was the abortionist.

Why would you not?

Why would you not?

That is the order they showed you the scenes in.

And I thought, God, she's unfazed by her pain.

And everyone has different hair.

Oh, I just gave you an abortion.

You have to leave.

Yeah, exactly.

So now we're going to cut over to her friend's house.

This is Rhea.

Rhea will wear, I counted, six different wigs throughout the film.

And some weaves.

And several weaves, yeah.

Multiple weaves, yes.

So Ria is a high, very, very high priced, as we will learn later in the film, sex worker.

We don't know that yet.

She is just introducing Nana around the house and letting her know that she is allowed to stay there because they know each other from work.

Oh.

Which is very confusing because we are about to learn that Rhea is a sex worker.

Like a Heidi Fleis level sex worker.

Like a payoff your student loans sex worker.

Yeah.

I mean, we'll talk about it when we get to the actual amounts that are discussed later in the film, but I just want to say for the record, right here, on the record, right now, you can fuck me.

podcast listener for the amounts of money Rhea is talking about getting fucked for.

I'm not volunteering anyone else for that position, but I'm telling you, Puzzle in the Thunderstorm has a PayPal and you can pick a hole.

I would like to undercut Eli's bid.

My number is probably lower.

It's my number is

lower than Heath.

I'll pay you.

So shit, price.

Price is right.

Sex work.

I'd like to hire a sex worker.

Hey, Ellen and Katie, how was it going back on Audible Movies?

Not great.

Noah and Heath elicited prostitution on the...

We're Heath and Eli.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's the one.

You know what?

I can't tell her voice a bit.

It's a bunch of white guys.

What can I do?

I'm wearing a wig.

Yeah, exactly.

So now Rhea, the roommate who has allowed Nana to live there, gets a call from Brian, right?

But what they discuss, we won't find out about till later.

And by later, I mean this is an hour and 40-minute movie.

At one hour and 38 minutes, we will discuss why Brian and Rhea know each other.

We will?

We will.

Oh, I can't wait for you to tell me about it.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm excited.

Let me know about that too.

I have no idea.

Okay.

So now, Brian, I know, confusing.

Brian, who is Rhea's pimp, is discussing her job as a prostitute.

Now, this is weird because this implies that today

is Ria's first day as a prostitute.

But he opens with one of my favorite lines in the film, which is, those boobs, those boobs you have can make you a lifetime of money.

Yeah.

Orientation for this job is a little strange in the car with the speech.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird.

I guess it's because he hasn't gotten around to filming that training video they show you at like Quiznos and McDonald's.

Yeah.

Oh, hello.

Joining.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm excited for Brian's.

Brian turns around to the camera.

Welcome to Brian's sex work company.

We do match 401k.

Yeah, I was pretty sure that when you're sex trafficked, they don't just explain everything to you at the beginning of the sex trafficking.

Okay, this is how this is going to go down.

Yeah.

So weird.

And she mentions, oh, you know, I've got a roommate now.

And he says, real quote, hey, do you want to take advantage of her?

And then the score is like, whoa.

Yeah, the score does like a bump, bump.

So she shows up.

to her first client's house.

She is going to, is this Tim?

Yes.

Oh my God, Tim.

Yes.

Tim is, Tim makes me sad to my core.

Yeah.

Tim is the only Caucasian in the cast of this movie.

However, his lines were still written by someone whose first language is Ghanaian.

So he will be using the exact same acumen with the English language as everyone else in the film.

It is an interesting choice, to say the least.

It is weird to see him say, How the fuck is my supposed to be girlfriend and not have her fucking number?

Yep.

That's weird as what he says: 10,000 USDs.

USDs.

USDs.

USDs now.

10,000 Ds.

Oh, you beat me to it.

Yes.

So, what is established in this scene is that Rhea,

and please correct me if I'm wrong about this, although, you know,

we're kind of looking in between the lines of a Jackson Pollock here.

You know what I'm saying?

But what I believe Ria is proposing is that Nana will be his girlfriend, or at least will be seducible if she gives him $10,000 along with being his girlfriend, then he will get her a green card.

Yes, that seems to be the transaction.

Okay.

What I didn't understand is when we first meet Tim, he's effing and jeffing and throwing stuff around and he's all pissed off about something or other.

And then when he is later with Nana, he is the most docile little pussycat you've ever met.

Very strange.

She's very sensual.

She's very sensual.

i don't think you guys know sensual no

disagree alan

look just because me heath and katie have a tim in our life in our history and you don't count yourself lucky sir to have not fallen for a tim's ways all right yeah i still have that 10 000 usds exactly we're all six four locos away from waking up on a mattress in a floor next to tim

god you're so right

yeah so the next morning she meets with Tim.

She is getting a job at a Ghanaian grocery store.

Yeah.

This is where I realized that this was the same actress wearing a variety of wigs and had to stop the movie and go back and basically rewatch the entire thing with the understanding that I was watching one.

Because I was like, okay, so this character works at a grocery store and that one before is engaged to Tim and this one.

But okay, it's all the same flu.

But she has got a job at the Ghanaian grocery store so that she can pay Tim.

And it's also understood that she's going to be dating him.

Right.

He loves her.

Yes, he loves her.

He wants a relationship.

Yes.

Here on their very first date, he announces that he doesn't want her money that she made at the Ghanaian grocery store in her very first shift because he loves her and he wants to make a relationship.

His exact words are, I want to make a relationship out of this.

And I wrote my notes out of.

Selling her illegal documents.

That's a weird shift, Tim.

At this point, I paused the movie because I was taking notes and then I restarted the movie and the entire, or I unpaused the movie, and the movie restarted.

And I just was watching and I was like, it's weird that they're going back to the scene.

And then I was like, fuck, I have to fast forward.

God damn it.

No.

Honestly, your movie watching experience wouldn't change that much if you just flipped around.

No.

No.

In fact, you might get a more logical, by the laws of randomness, you might get a more logical film.

A better, more logical film.

Yes.

Yes, there were a lot of times in this movie where I was like, did she have an abortion yet?

I don't know when it falls in the timeline.

It's very upsetting because it is the whole movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is not clear when this abortion.

This abortion is the Chekhov's gun, the Chekhov gun to the fetus head, if you will.

So now she heads to his place.

He got her a dress and some shoes.

And look.

I think all bodies are beautiful, and I'm not here to shame anybody, but I am here to talk about the size dynamic between Tim and Nana, okay?

Because he gets her a dress.

She comes back in a very revealing dress.

And for the first time, we are aware that he comes up to, I'm gonna say, her knees,

right?

We're supposed to picture them fucking in about four minutes of movie time, and there's no way, there's no way she would sooner breastfeed Tim than have sex with him.

You don't know what Tim's into, exactly.

Picture their interaction as like her holding his forehead and him swinging his arms and not being able to do anything about it.

Yes, exactly.

That's probably how they did it.

Yeah.

Also, I just love that this improvised line here, right?

As they're sitting down, he's supposed to be talking about the date they just went on.

And he goes, wasn't it funny how the waiter tripped every time he left the room?

Every time?

That is funny.

That is hilarious.

Then he says, he just completely tripped.

He completely tripped.

Yeah.

I should have been passed out.

That's fine.

That's fine.

We'll move on.

Tim, actor who played Tim.

Why didn't you say it's tripped?

That's my place.

As the one white man, i did not want to be here correcting i think that must have been it right there must have been a day when he was like well i'm not correcting any i don't feel comfortable correcting anybody here for a variety of reasons yeah he now delivers what is my absolute favorite line of this movie this is the best time i've had all night in a long time in a long i i laughed for a while

come on that waiter tripping every single time that that's like a really fun night that's a fun this is the best time i've had all night in a long time yeah And Nana is not having any fun at all.

She is not laughing at the waiter trip every time.

She is not laughing at the most fun he's had all night every time.

Nana's performance wildly vacillates between a puppet that no one is using, right?

Trauma victim

and like forest gump impersonation that probably doesn't hold up to modern day.

Like you will always be in one of those places.

She kind of seems like there's someone off screen be like, deliver your fucking lunch right now.

Yes, exactly.

Like if she is a movie within a movie and in that movie, the traffickers are Christian movie traffickers, her performance in this film makes a lot of sense.

But she asks him, is this a game or are you for real?

And as Alan pointed out, he says, this is the best time I've had all night in a long time.

And so they have a...

Followed by, I love you.

And followed by, I love you.

And they have a snuggle and then they dance.

And I think we're supposed to assume they fuck.

Yeah.

Is this what dating is in the 2020s?

Because this is terrifying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, this is why you got to get off the apps, kids.

This is how you end up waking up on Tim's, as I've mentioned earlier, on Tim's floor mattress.

Yeah, if he doesn't have a headboard, that's one thing, but not having a box spring is like a whole other.

Yeah, it feels not good.

I'm just being judgy today about a lot of stuff.

Okay, I do have it several times in my notes.

Why are all the walls in this movie as bare as the walls in East?

hell

you got to find art that you like and otherwise you don't have anything there he actually has a completely bare wall except for

some stickers of stars in a line which i thought was an interesting choice for the evil fake immigration guy it's a constellation exactly it's not So she sneaks back to Rhea's place.

She doesn't want Rhea to know that she was gone all night.

And this is the first time.

this was almost my best, best.

This is the first time that the subtitles started telling us what was happening in the movie rather than what we were hearing in the movie.

If you do not have subtitles on when you are watching this film, you must because they are as well written as the rest of the film and phenomenal.

The subtitle for this is Nana Picks Up Her Bag and Sits Up.

It felt like the subtitle person was like, all right, you're not gonna understand anything that's happening right now i'm gonna like really explain the plots and points of this movie so you have some idea what's going on as best i can exactly on that note did the subtitles explain why ria was mad at her for spending the night at tim's when she basically sold tim to her as her boyfriend

well i guess the listeners will have to tune in for later in the movie when perhaps it's a ruse will be explained really

No.

Yeah, maybe it will.

No.

Yes, it does.

No.

No, dog.

I think you've got all messed up and you're thinking things that didn't happen.

When I bust out this revelation in Act 3, our minds are going to be blown.

Wait, are you serious?

They're going to tie this together?

Yes.

100%.

Wow.

Okay.

If you say that.

I'm actually really looking forward to that.

Me too.

Got to trust.

So now we have a pregnancy montage.

First, she has a little girl dream.

Yeah.

And she's woken up by that little girl dream by her mom, who I think is supposed to live back in Ghana, calling her to ask if she's pregnant.

Mom's no.

Mom's no.

A number of people ask her if she's pregnant.

Why?

Well, because then she vomits at the Ghanaian grocery store where she works, and her boss is like, hey, are you pregnant?

And he's like, you have to go check up.

Go check up.

As someone who hates vomiting in movies and television shows, this was the first time I was ever the toilet in the POV vomiting.

Yeah,

interesting choice.

Yeah, she just like pushes a bunch of pudding out of her mouth right now.

Yeah.

And it's just like, I don't,

I already hated your movie.

Like you didn't have to go all that way.

Obviously, we have the stereotypical pregnancy shot here, but and I laughed out loud at this point.

This was funny.

It shows the timer and then it flashes to the pregnancy test and then it flashes back to the timer and it's on the same time.

I screamed.

I also like that the timer was going down i feel like you you can just do a stopwatch and go up instead of the like scary countdown to the time right

it's just like oh two minutes and then you check the peace stick right oh look at fucking fancy heath over here yeah exactly i don't know why you someone's got to do it like a lacrosse coach for some reason hey can i say heath that wasn't the thing that occurred to me when i was watching this film okay and i'm judging you that it's the thing that occurred to you

just like you know hey, Alexa, stopwatch, two minutes.

You're good to go.

Keith, you know not to summon the digital assistants when I'm around.

Okay, a stopwatch in my other room just started.

God damn it.

They're, yeah, obviously, because they're all around us and they're always listening.

And we thank them for it.

Yes, obviously.

We welcome our okay.

In the other room, it says I'm pregnant.

Yeah.

How did you get pregnant?

I don't know.

Sit up here and get pregnant by him.

But she is obviously pregnant.

So now we cut over to Rhea being very upset at her for being pregnant.

She says, I'm not playing fast.

Get rid of it.

They also then show her weeping in front of the TV.

It felt like they played a drama on TV, hoping that some amount of the acting would sort of leak through into the rest of the scene.

At one point, she's also sitting on the back of the couch crying.

And so I had this theory that the director was like, let's get a bunch of different places of you crying.

And then they went to edit and you were like, you know what?

They're all fucking good.

I'm using them all.

Let's keep them all.

I can't choose.

It's a long montage of this, of her crying, and then being like, oh, original season of Law and Order.

That's okay.

Cool, cool.

That's cool.

Clicks it on.

And they keep doing the cut thing to show that this is like a montage, like an all-evening, like really sad crying thing.

But each time they cut forward, the TV show stays the same and doesn't do the jump cuts.

It's the best.

I was worried that I had become a turtle.

So you just hear Sam Watterson being the DA continuously.

Yeah.

And then to end this montage, and again, correct me if I'm wrong.

She hears sirens and runs away from them.

That seemed to be the reaction.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it was, it was supposed to be like, oh, Ice is here because she's worried about being deported, right?

Yeah, it's, I thought because the cops were coming, but apparently this scene just teaches us every time Nana hears sirens, she flees the space she's in.

Like, I'm an idiot, but I was like, oh, you don't call the cops just because you got pregnant.

Did anyone else worry at this point in time that they had become unstuck in time?

Oh,

yeah, no.

I turned to a Trochmedorian next to me on the couch, and he was like, hey, man, this is a bad movie.

Do you want to do something else?

Is that Kilgore Trout?

Yeah.

So that night, she's singing herself a little song and weeping.

We also get a cut of some text messages that they show for approximately three seconds.

I have no idea what they said.

We all had to pause the movie and go back to read these text messages, but these are from Tim.

He can't do this right now.

He has to leave Ohio now.

I love you.

We were in Ohio.

That's what the text said.

Yeah, it's a real mix.

Real mix signals in that text message.

Wait, where does he go?

He goes to Indiana.

Okay, good.

Yeah, he goes to Indiana.

Really?

Why?

We'll find out later.

When I see this movie, somebody help me.

You can't blame yourself for not understanding this movie, Katie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's what the closed caption said, actually, at the end of this scene.

You can't blame yourself.

Yeah, exactly.

So now we get some scary montage.

She gets fired from her grocery store job.

We get a flashback to murdering the fetus in the toilet.

She sits on the floor some more.

And then Rhea comes in and yells at her to get an abortion, which can I say is very confusing right after a montage where we watch her stabbing her baby to death in the toilet.

I just want to pause here real quick and say, We are not rushing through this movie.

This is how quickly the scenes are changing.

Yes, no, this is the images.

If anything, we're taking our time to explain it to you while this movie just showed us images and sounds.

I normally watch our movies at like 1.2, 1.3 speed.

I had this one at one and I could not follow.

Yeah, no, I think a 0.5 speed would have really helped me for this.

Yeah.

So now it's time for Rhea to take on another sex work client.

This is where we learn that she will be getting $35,000 a night.

Oh, USD, USDs.

35,000 USDs for one night.

What is the actual scale on sex workers in an I can it go up to $35,000?

Oh, for sure.

I mean, if you're going to get a $35K a night fuck, it's going to be in a place nicer than where the Nigerian prince is.

Yeah.

He's a senator.

A senator.

Excuse me.

A senator.

A senator.

The Nigerian senator.

Yeah.

Then the fucking, you know, Roadside Inn with the old lady's dead body still on the bed that the next scene will take place in.

Yeah, I definitely think so.

Why is she painted like she's a, like she's not done with her baseball furies face makeup yet?

Yeah.

She looks like 90s WWF wrestler Goldust.

Yeah.

Look at Spars.

Oh my God.

Incredible.

Gold dust.

Amazing.

She's talking really sexy too, which, you know, is Gold Dust's vibe.

Very weird.

Yeah.

She says to him you said you're a nigerian senator and he goes yes i was like you're not getting that thirty five thousand dollars

she tells him her name i loved this line so much she tells him her name is ria and he goes ria i'm feeling real

good

oh man that that will get you laid every time it's pretty obviously wordplay yup i love it

yeah and and again this is such a funny thing because again christians made this movie and they're doing sort of this weird passion play version of sin.

So they don't really know what people want from prostitute.

Or at least they're pretending not to know what people want from prostitutes.

So she, at one point, she just says, I'm here to have a good time.

And she says, I'm going to make sure you have a good time.

Anything you want.

And he just leaves the room.

Okay.

I wrote in my notes, I wanted him so badly to come back with like a particularly complicated board game.

Right.

And he's just like, okay.

So here's the thing.

The first time you played distilled, you're going to lose.

You're going to want to collect

it.

You don't realize it, but it's important.

Yeah.

I thought he was just like flustered, which, you know, made that struck home to me.

It was like, anything you want.

And he's like, ah, I hadn't thought this through.

Just give me a second.

And he runs back out.

I could have jerked off for free.

Exactly.

Meanwhile, Nana is sneaking through the house to horror movie sound effects.

Now, I will point out they did accidentally involve some dog barking sounds, the baby sounds, which to me implied that she aborted a dog as well.

Okay.

I thought the dog might be performing the abortion.

So, you know,

six to one half dozen of the other.

Okay, yeah, she's hearing evil baby noises and water running and, like you said, dogs barking.

And we're watching this like scary hallway moment.

I wanted them to like pan into a room and it's just a room of dogs and babies having like a splash fight or something.

Right.

Yeah.

Exactly.

They never explain why the water running thing.

I told Rhea not to start a daycare in here.

Or the dogs.

I assume the water running was a flashback to the shower that we see in a little while.

Oh, it's part of

a scary flashback.

She's like washing off all the baby bits on her body.

I wish these people would read a fucking book, just one book that isn't the Bible, so they would know how things work in the world.

That would be great.

Yeah, that would be really awesome.

Yeah, but this is where we get our first piece of Heath's best best, the first threatening note from the ghost baby fetus, which has written.

Spoiler.

Well,

some ghost has written in childlike handwriting, although that might just be how the people who wrote this movie write.

Leviticus 24, 17.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's, and he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death.

Right.

And it's on very beautiful stationary.

Red construction paper.

So now that we've spoiled it, yeah, there's like a demon fetus ghost that's going to start stabbing people.

The fetus went to a stationery store, apparently, and got some like nice paper stock.

And a lot of people wear that flash cut to the baby waiting at fucking papyrus.

Now, do you want me to wrap this for you?

Normal, a little child, third or five dollars per wrapper.

I don't want little wrapper.

But it's, it's not a baby.

When we finally meet the fetus, it's an eight-year-old child.

Well, the mindset.

The fetus will be a variety of sizes throughout the film.

That's true.

That is true.

Then we get a couple of pop scares.

Oh, God.

She checks behind the shower curtain and we get like a

like something's there, but there's not.

And then

she leaves.

Okay.

I was really hoping she pulls back the curtain and there was just like a fetus taking a bubble bath, kind of yes.

Hey.

Just went to papyrus.

I got some good stuff.

Anyway, exactly.

Yeah, I think I'm pretty sure just now, did I just say fetus taking a bubble bath out loud?

And you said, Did that happen in my life?

All right, I think that means it's time for a quick break, and then we'll be back with more the clock.

Christian, I want to speak to you.

Of course, Mama.

What is it?

Have you met Nana, my nurse?

Oh, no, I haven't.

Hello, Nana.

Hello.

One second.

I'll be right there.

Nana, please wheel me into the living room.

Okay, okay.

Seems like it seems like kind of a wide, a wide turn.

Okay, you're...

No, you're going to want to pivot.

You're going to want to pivot that.

Nope, no.

Pivot the chair.

Pivot the chair.

Pivot.

You're not.

Oh, my God.

I'm pivoting.

She's got it, son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Okay, you're making a three-point turn now in the four-point.

It's a, okay, that's, now it's five.

That's a five-point.

And you're facing backwards.

What is happening?

I think we're going to need to lift her.

Lift her?

Just wheel the chair.

What are you doing?

I can't get the angle.

She can't get the angle.

Are you pushing from the front?

What is happening?

She's got it, Christian.

Tokyo drifting a wheelchair now.

And there.

Great.

So, what'd you want to tell me, Mom?

I think you should marry Nana.

What?

Really?

Yeah.

No, that's fair.

Come on, Nana.

Let's go.

I'm going to get a running start.

Don't.

Please don't.

And we're back.

When we left off, Nana got a threatening note about Leviticus, but there wasn't a fetus demon in the bathtub, so I guess it was nothing.

And now we're going to open on a very jarring cut to

beard cam close-up of some guy's beard.

Have we met him before?

Yeah, this is Hansa and her boyfriend.

Oh, right.

She says, babe, you got to use a condom.

I've had so many abortions.

Yeah, she's, it's not even that she doesn't like having abortions.

It's just like, you know, she's gotten enough for the free yogurt at this point, and it just doesn't make any sense.

It would be a hassle.

Yeah.

And we're going to learn who the fuck Tanza is here, right?

Tanza is running a business where immigrants get scammed for fake papers.

I think so.

Oh,

that actually does clear something up for me.

Because the Mexican dude left.

Rich, the one she refers to is that Mexican, which I was like, come on now.

Yeah, that's a quote from the movie.

Yeah.

So now Nana shows up there

at Tanza's, right?

Yeah.

And they, you know, they have a little small talk.

Tanza asks her why Africans don't do better with their natural resources.

And Nana says that Africa is worse than when there were slave masters.

And I wrote in my notes, I disagree, but I don't know if it's my place to say about your lived experience.

Not I.

Just would like to point out that we said it in the phone.

Yeah.

Okay.

This was one of two different times where they like delve into a political topic and I wasn't expecting it.

They like kind of tried to go deep for a second about like, okay, but Ghana has a ton of natural resources.

So like, seems like the economy would have lots of opportunity.

Why would you ever leave Ghana and move here to the United States?

Oh, yeah, this breakdown of capitalism.

Right.

Yeah.

And Nana has to explain that like, yeah, it doesn't.

It doesn't really help unless you own a mining operation.

So

start a a mining operation.

That sounds great.

Earlier in the movie,

I don't know if this is true or not, and I meant to look it up, but it made it sound like the Ghanaian government was trying to split its national debt amongst its citizens.

Yes.

What we see are watching the news earlier, and the newscaster says, like, according to the national debt, that means every Ghanaian citizen owes $3,246.

And Nana reacts to that newscast like,

ah, fuck.

When do they need that buy?

Come on.

What?

That's so many D's, man.

Yeah.

Rhea can earn that in 10 minutes.

My God.

Nana now goes over to the temp office.

She's going to be like a nurse or an in-home aide.

Yeah.

She gets a call during this scene from Christian.

Christian is the son of a character we will meet later, and he is firing the person who has the job Nana will have.

Now, why did we need this explanation of characters we will never meet for a reason that will never matter?

Why couldn't she just be sent to this old lady's house to work for her?

I have no idea.

But if you're watching this movie in chopped up order in the desperate hope that random serves you better than the order they chose to edit it in, I can understand why this scene exists.

Yeah, this movie has very inconsistent opinions about like how much they need to lead you through things.

On the one hand, it's bananas with the cuts and the like timelines and nothing makes sense.

But on the other hand, they'll insist on showing you, okay, that night they have a three-second conversation because night happened.

Okay, night has happened next day.

She could have a job and start your next scene.

She could have a job.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess we wouldn't.

Look, I could even understand having a scene where she's hired and it's explained that she has a new job, but I don't understand a scene where she's hired and she has a new job and we have to watch someone get fired from the job that she's about to have to explain why she has a job at the end of a scene where where we just saw she got a new job.

And this just served to confuse me further because I thought we were still talking about sex work.

So I'm like, why does this lady have a desk and an assistant?

Wait, an in-home sex work?

Yeah, I thought, you know, Chris, yeah, I don't know.

An in-home sex aid should maybe be a job.

I like sex work temp agency.

I like that as an idea, right?

I mean, is it all never?

It's all a temp agency, really.

Yeah, but dudes you have to do a hand job like typing test for them and they yell at you if you can't do it fast enough.

Wow, 87 jerks per minute.

Yeah, but I was spelling it wrong.

This is where I just have a note that says, I feel like I need a neck brace for this movie.

That's truly being whipped in many directions.

Exactly.

But none of that matters because we're about to get the greatest moment of this film.

The Citizen King moment in this film.

Truly, the Citizen King moment.

Nana will now.

Do we know this lady's name?

Do we ever?

We never know.

Okay.

I just have her as mom.

The mom.

Yeah, yeah.

Christian's mom.

Yeah.

Christian's mom.

Yeah.

So Nana is assigned to this old lady.

She will be home, her home care aide.

And so she is going to wheel mom into the room.

And I am not kidding you.

For the next 45 minutes.

It's three solid minutes of Nana not being able to navigate this wheelchair through a living room.

It's hilarious.

There's an actual K-turn.

Yep.

And it's the whole thing is shot at what I can only assume to be an accidental Dutch angle.

And it's fucking hilarious.

Amazing.

My note for this scene is: this is like watching me park a car.

Okay.

Yep.

This is how I drive in video games.

See, I just assumed she wanted to see every fucking wall in the room before she settled on one.

All right.

Now I'm backing the wheelchair through a tree branch.

I can hear it.

Should I keep going?

I'm going to keep going.

Hey, hey.

You have to pay a lot to that rental car.

no we had the insurance we had the insurance the guy was mad but we had the insurance that's why you get the insurance didn't have to pay anything

everybody had to pay the cost

yeah the world yeah no the world's insurance probably went i probably cost insurance as a concept went up

so This is also where we get one of those next snap cuts.

Nana is like handing the old lady like a cup of tea or something, and then they cut in between it.

So when they cut back, it looks like Nana has changed into a man in a suit

yeah oh right christian appears out of thin air yes

i thought he wasn't real i swear to god i thought he was a ghost

yeah

it has real ghost vibes but no he's just there to say hi to the mother this is also where we establish that mom doesn't like christian's current girlfriend which we established because they just sit there in silence not talking to each other mom and son are whispering like lovers, though.

Oh, yeah, for real.

They are, which is mind-boggling because the entire time a microwave is running in the background of the scene.

So they're whispering, but there's a.

And then, like, right, the son's like, well, I'm going to go to my room and change now.

Ding.

You're just like, I want to burn this movie to the ground.

Mom, you look beautiful.

Hot pockets ready.

Hot pockets.

Let it sit.

Let it sit.

She's wearing a fucking bucket hat.

She is wearing a bucket hat like she's setting up.

In her own house.

Who does that?

So do we get some more very slow wheeling right after this, Eli?

Yep, we get some more very slow wheeling.

They wheel her out to the car.

And then...

Seriously, it's like the movie was filibustering itself.

Yes, with

the wheelchair stuff.

Yeah.

And it's so confusing because we watch them wheel her out to the car.

And then the next scene is set back in the house.

Back in the house.

Oh, God, you're right.

This is where mom delivers these mysterious riddles about the importance of human life, about the abortion that we're not sure whether or not Nana has had it yet.

It was very confusing.

I just referred to her as the abortion whisperer, truly.

Yeah, it seems like the mom just sensed that an abortion had happened, right?

And she was like, I will tell you a story that will relate to your situation.

I don't think it has yet because she says, please save the life of an innocent soul.

It comes with blessings.

Well, that's the thing.

Oh, she pre-sensed it.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

This is no, the abortion's already happened.

What?

No.

Yeah.

How do you save the life of the innocent soul then?

Let me explain.

Okay, let's explain.

Let's explain.

I'll give him the floor.

All right.

Let's let Eli chase this down.

I don't think you have this right at all.

She has to have already had the abortion because she lost her job because she was so sick from the abortion, abortion, which is why she had to get the new job as a hosting character.

She was pregnant.

She was

sick.

She was like leaving town.

That means the, yeah, the abortion hasn't happened yet.

How did you not figure that out?

The movie wasn't happening.

No, the abortion is already happening.

Pay attention to the movie.

This is the robot shooting someone all over again.

The abortion's already happened.

I don't think it's happening.

I don't think so.

Why would the mom say, save the life of an innocent soul, please, if.

That had already happened.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Mom's magical.

Also, is that lady lady going to raise that kid?

No, she's not.

Okay, but then when does she fucked him then in the timeline?

She's already fucked him because she's pregnant currently.

She's pregnant.

She's like, she's pregnant.

Okay.

Mommy and a dad.

You don't love each other very much.

No, you're right.

They trade goof juice.

It's true.

And then mommy has to get an abortion, but that happens later after she's.

Alan, I don't want to be this guy.

I don't think you're supposed to trade goof juice.

I'm pretty sure your belly buttons rub together and you get goofy.

I think it's a maybe if you're generous, it's a one-way generous lovers like to trade.

I think it's a one-way transaction.

I don't remember.

I'm deeply uncomfortable.

Damn it, Kate.

As the other parent on the podcast, you were supposed to back me up on my goof juice ideas.

You think I should explain that the female orgasm is a myth?

Yeah, right.

Thank you.

You wouldn't be the first.

Okay, so now

this must be later because she's getting ghost post-its, right?

This is one of the, this is the moment where I laughed so loud that I was approached by a librarian.

She, she walks through the hallway and she opens the door and the ghost fetus baby, which apparently hasn't been aborted yet, has left a bunch of post-its on the mirror with sad faces on them that say, save me.

Yeah, because it hasn't been aborted.

Very good point.

Yes.

But then why does the baby have supernatural powers?

That's a great question.

Eli, you can't.

If you start picking this fucking sweater apart.

But it's not a ghost yet.

Why does it have supernatural power?

Because it's a sock.

It's not a sweater.

It's the pre-spirit of the real human being doing.

evil stuff.

Oh, God knew you before you were born.

Oh, fuck off.

Even before I borrowed you.

Also, apparently, this ghost fetus, again, went to papyrus and got the really fancy paper stock, but was also like, I got a few bucks left.

I'll get a thing of post-it.

So you can.

Yeah, throw in one of those mini post-it note holders, too.

That's great.

Yeah, I'll use that for like grocery listing.

I like that they were all over the bathroom mirror.

Like one might put affirmations like, you got this girl and you're beautiful no matter what they say.

What if someone had to poop before her?

Yeah.

What if someone had to poop before her?

So now we cut back to mom and Christian's girlfriend.

This is the scene where they give each other the silent treatment.

They sit.

We watch these actors for six minutes sit in silence, just scoffing at each other.

Okay, this was fun.

They cold open on the mom just being like, I fucking hate that bitch that my son is dating.

Oh, hello, Vicki.

And Vicki's right there.

And then Vicki sits down and just plays on Instagram in complete silence while the two of them just angrily stare at each other, sort of.

Well, they both do like noises at each other back and forth for about 14 seconds.

Then Nana enters the room and Vicky, I don't know if that's Vicki's actual name, but I'm going with it.

Yeah.

Vicki is like, yeah.

And Vicki is like, let me get some water.

And she's like, don't order water from my servant.

She's my servant.

Give me my glasses.

And she's like, don't you dare bring her any fucking water.

They might as well tear Nana in half playing tug of war with her.

Christian's like, we have water in the car.

Who keeps water in the car?

Give them one more water.

Drink your warm water.

Christian tries to make the peace by being like, we have water in the car.

And she's like, I'm thirsty now.

Meanwhile, the score is playing like a crocodile is going to crawl out from under the couch.

Thank God.

Katie, I thought I was going insane.

You were.

This movie did it.

Yeah.

I guess, yes, that is what happened.

So mom is like, I don't want water.

I want a soda.

And then crocodile almost attacking music happens for like 30 seconds

and then she's handed us soda and it just stops.

It's so weird.

That's it.

It's bananas.

It's like they bought like a package of sounds and they were like, all right, well, we've got that 30 seconds of crocodile music.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Why not work around the soda water thing?

We slipped the dog barking in earlier.

This is fine.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, we're getting the most out of that Halloween spooky sound CD.

Damn it.

So now we're going to cut over to the abortion doctor.

The abortion doctor is switching through channels on the radio, and then she turns to a channel so that we and her can listen to two complete idiots debate about abortion in the case of rape.

Well, God don't make no mistakes.

God don't make no mistakes.

That is the final point.

Yeah, God don't make no mistakes.

I just read Alan's note that says, explain candy corn MMs then, and I can't stop.

Hold on.

Hold on.

There are candy corn M ⁇ Ms.

Yeah, they're viral.

Get the fuck out of here.

They're flavored like them or shaped like them or colored.

They're flavored like them.

It's disgusting.

Do they have a chocolate?

Do they have chocolate corn?

Yeah, it's a white chocolate.

What is the flavor of a candy corn even?

Sugar and candy corn?

Candy corn?

God, why would it be?

We are a pro-candy corn podcast.

I'm a pro-candy corn.

I'm the only pro-candy corn on my podcast.

Are you one of of those people who thinks that the three different colors of the candy corn are different flavors?

Yeah, one hondo.

Yeah, obviously.

There aren't.

It's orange, yellow, and white.

Yeah, they taste different.

On the count of three, we're all going to say the best flavor of a candy corn.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Yeah,

reject the premise.

Yeah, get out of here.

Get out of here.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful, this friendship that's forming.

Connection.

I feel seen for the first time.

And then, of course, we cut to Rhea introducing her to the abortion doctor.

This is where she utters the line, she just wants to get that thing up out of her.

That's funny, though.

I also, I just have to point this out right after this, because we watched this on Tubi, where there's 900 ads every commercial break.

This is what I was about to say.

My ad right after where she says she wants to get that thing up out of her, was an ad for the floor hosted by Rob Lowe.

I felt that was a little on the nose.

Mine was a Kamala Harris anti-Project 2025 ad.

And I was like, cool I need to put it in this fucking video.

In Pennsylvania, I love that.

In Pennsylvania, all we get in Pennsylvania is bananas.

Ads all day.

You've got to vote so many times.

Do fraud.

Do so much fraud.

Oh, my God.

Of course.

Yes.

So, so many times.

You can't.

You can't say that.

These people who believe that abortion is what this movie represents will also think that you're serious.

Yeah.

We'll also think we voted most of all times.

I want you to do so much Pennsylvania voter fraud for real.

I'm the Electoral College of the Committee.

I am Half Enright, and I approve this message.

You know my birth name, George Soros.

So now we're going to cut over to Christian and Vicki's date at the lobby of a holiday inn.

She's late, but before she's willing to speak to him, she has to take several selfies.

She says, quote, you know, I've got to have something for the Graham.

He wants to.

Oh, is that Instagram?

Yeah.

Do people say the Graham?

Is that a thing?

Yes.

Yes, maybe it is.

They do say.

I mean, it's usually the youth, I would imagine.

Or Stagram.

They will call it Star.

No, that's literally just you.

I just say sta for short because I'm also youthful.

You got Riz.

But they have a big fight.

She doesn't like his mom.

His mom doesn't like her.

No, the reason they're fighting is because he wants to marry her and start a family.

And she's like, what?

Because of your mom?

Wait, what?

Is that how marriage works?

Is it?

If I find out that my husband's mother pressured him into marrying me, I'm going to be very upset.

And she gets up in a huff.

And I am so proud to say that me and Katie had the exact same experience, which is she pushes back the chair and it makes a big fart sound.

And I thought the actor farted.

And I was like, okay, this is the greatest comedy that's ever been written.

Yes, imagine getting dumped and just like farting with all of your might.

He had farted and then like hand-waved it towards him.

Hope you like Long John Silver.

This is the last time we were ever going to taste one of those.

That's a chicken plague, baby.

What the actual fuck?

So now we cut to the abortion doctor's house/slash office.

She is like, this is post-abortion.

So Nana has had the abortion now, right?

And we know that because the abortion

doctor turns to Tongza and is like, sorry, that abortion took a while.

That baby was fucking fighting me hard.

What does that work?

What's like visually?

That's not how it works.

Well, I, you know.

So when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much.

Okay, yeah.

No, you were talking this before.

Right.

I just picture the baby like at her cervix, akimbo.

Yeah, like when you're trying to get an action.

She's grabbing the sides like a cat that doesn't want to leave or whatever.

Yeah.

Yes, like an actual human child who doesn't want to get in their car seats and they just try to put on a toddler's shoes.

Pulling back on the umbilical cord to go back in.

Springing in and out of the vagina, sort of like the

jungle people in the rundown.

What?

No idea.

If you would listen to the bonus episode this month, wait, the rope fight.

Yeah, the rope fight.

Yeah, exactly.

From the rundown, but the fetus is doing it.

You can't just say the jungle people from the rundown.

No, that's upsetting.

The real OGs will get it, Alan.

The real OGs will get it.

So now we cut to Nana.

She's showering and she's just losing chunks of baby while she does it.

I mean, she's dropping full McNuggets during this shower.

That's a lot.

Just like wads of ground beef washing.

Like she came in from the blood mine and took a shower.

Very disturbing.

This movie has the same understanding of an abortion of like a child who had had just heard the birds and bees talk.

Like you just gave birds and bees to a kid and you were like, and what do you think happens when you kill that thing?

That's how this movie understands abortion.

Oh, God.

All right.

So now, meanwhile, Tim is talking to his buddy in Indiana, where he's about to make the revelation that ties the earlier scenes in the movie that nobody understands

all together.

Okay.

Please.

So you know his girlfriend, Becky?

No, because she's not in the fucking movie.

Of course not.

Well, they were in a fight.

And when they were in a fight, he had sex with Rhea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So the following morning, Becky, who we don't know because she's a different character, comes back to the house to apologize.

But Rhea is there.

And he's trying to hide the fact that Rhea's there.

They have some shenanigans, including a fucking fantastic moment where she finds a crumpled shirt under a pillow.

And she's like, what's this?

And he's like, I bought it

for you.

And then I crumpled it under a pillow.

Okay.

For you.

Does Tim kill Becky by accident?

Well, you're jumping ahead.

You're jumping ahead.

I was letting everyone get a hand on the ball in the crumpled shirt.

But yes, she goes to the bathroom and he's like, no, no pooping, no pooping.

And he accidentally shoves her.

Luckily, the subtitles fill us in here that the sound is head smashes on dumbbell.

Thank you.

Subtitles.

But yes, she dies.

This is when Ria

emerges from the bedroom where she has been hiding and she's filming him.

And he's like, why are you filming me?

I just accidentally killed my girlfriend.

And he's like, look, we're going to you, I'm going to use this blackmail to fraud someone later.

And I'm going to ask you to help me fraud someone.

So

that's the conversation he and Ria had earlier in the movie.

She is using Tim to fraud Nana.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, we could have used extortion, any of these other words, but fraud, just keep using fraud.

Yeah, fraud is fraud is a bad, yeah, for sure.

I just couldn't focus on anything because I was so focused.

Dan, the Tim's friend, has a tiny hand tattooed above his right eye.

He sure does.

And it was just like, what?

what is that what could that mean what that means he killed a baby in prison

right

He did an abortion in prison?

Yeah, that's what that means.

So now we transition into a scene where mom, remember mom, mom is asking Nana to come live with her and work for her, but we do it via voiceover, which is very confusing.

At first, we're just hearing mama's voice and mom tells her the document they gave you was fake.

You should move in here.

And I'll take care of them.

What?

What?

I mean, she says it.

But what does it mean

great question how would you explain how everything has ended up where it is today oh well that's a great question has america turned its back on god eli this is where in the middle of revealing to this girl that she wants her to live with her and that her green card was fake she shows her the quarter and that george washington is no longer facing in god we trust on the quarter

okay yeah so she had two she keeps two coins one old and one new to give this speech to to people to illustrate.

Yes, to illustrate this little talk.

Okay.

Wait till she finds out that In God We Trust wasn't always on our money.

Yeah, no, that's really not too old a corner.

Yeah.

But so she explains she can't get her green card, but Christian will marry her.

Yeah, she just says, marry my son.

And everyone's okay with this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, that's how I got married.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Christian is

the last to find out that he will be marrying Nana.

Sure.

But he's seemingly like, all right, all right.

It's fine, I guess.

I see the way he stares at her.

So now we cut over to the abortionist's house.

Oh, God.

This is where the aborted fetus, now aborted fetus ghost baby kills her.

Okay, okay.

We only learn this because of the subtitles.

We don't see any of this.

What the subtitles say are Water Wave, Evil Wind, Body Drops on Wooden Floor.

My second favorite subtitle of the movie, my first being when earlier when her, when Nana and Tim are having the slow dance, it announces the subtitles announce who is performing the song, and it's chosen tunes.

So they're slow dancing to some gospel group.

Chosen tunes, yeah, chosen

tunes.

Yeah, evil wind.

Okay, I have a theory about what happens next, please.

And I need you all to hold me in the light.

I need you to make space.

I need this to be a safe place for my open heart

because Tanza now gets a call from someone

telling

her that her boyfriend is married.

Okay.

Will.

Is the person that makes that call the aborted fetus?

I think it's the fetus.

Yeah, 100%.

Am I making this up or did the caller ID say Melissa?

With like three hearts after it.

Yeah.

Yes.

It was.

The fetus set that up.

The fetus set that up.

Did like a pickup, did a cloned number thing like the FBI can do.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

Deep state.

And this is also where she says one of my favorite lines in the movie.

She says, after all the abortions I had for that, and then she says the N-word.

It's so funny.

And then

he just walks in and says, are you done with your immigrant?

And she chases him out.

She chases him out.

And he's like, no, listen to me.

Listen to me.

She's like, where's my gun?

She starts looking under the couch cushions for her gun

i love her so much

there's also been a scene cut in here because these scenes were happening so rapid fire we couldn't even separate them in the notes where the temp agency lady gets a call from christian and he's having nana fired i think that was also the fetus

that was also the fetus

I wondered why that scene happened.

It's the fetus getting Nana fired.

Amazing.

No sense.

Help me.

So we cut over to mom.

Mom tells Christian that she wants Christian to marry Nana.

Fetus gets a job as a secret shopper, gets you fired from TGI Fridays for not carding.

Yeah.

Leaves you a bad review on iTunes.

But yeah, mom tells Christian that she wants him to marry Nana, and Christian's like, I

gotta go.

And this is a great moment where he turns to Nana, right?

Because he's sort of awkward in the situation.

He says, sorry, I'm not usually like this, but I have to go to the game.

And I wrote in my notes, like, what?

Capable of leaving a room?

It's so stupid.

What game?

What game is he going to?

I have no idea.

But I think just one of the actors wanted to leave the scene and made up a lie, which was weird, but I get it, I suppose.

I think that does mean, though, that we get another break.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will there be at least 15 more wigs?

Will we learn learn about the economic modality of Ghana's mining industry some more?

Will we learn about the secret atheist plot involving coins some more?

Find out the answer to these questions more when we return for the excruciating conclusion of the clot.

Nana, you must listen to me.

That green card they got you, it was fake.

Oh, no.

Yes, but more importantly.

Do you see this quarter?

George Washington faces away from God now.

Oh, oh, um, that's bad too, I guess.

Sorry, did you say my green card was fake?

And look, when you fold a $20 bill like this,

well, I did it wrong, but it looks like the 20,000.

Real quick, can we go back to the green card thing?

But it's all part of it, Nana.

Don't you see?

This country has turned

about being deported.

Without God, there's no direction for the nation.

All the terrible things we've seen in this nation.

Like $10,000.

It's sin in the light of the Lord.

Okay, but how did you find out that my document was fake?

Does anybody else know?

Do I need to get a lawyer?

Nana, look at me.

Look at me.

Choose a number between one and ten.

What?

Choose a number, Nana.

You must.

Fine.

Um, four.

Okay.

Mansion, apartment, shack, house.

Mansion, apartment, shack, house.

Okay.

And we're back.

When we left off, there might have been a very adorable stabbing spree happening.

And now we're going to watch Rhea sitting in complete darkness doing her makeup, which was confusing.

Tough to do.

Tough to do your makeup in complete darkness.

Yeah.

That's how you end up looking like gold dust.

This is where the baby starts doing radio pranks, right?

She turns the radio off, baby turns it back on again.

Yeah.

I like the idea of a station that plays nothing but horror movie noises that you can land on.

And presumably, in this case, run by like a murder cabal of aborted fetuses, ghosts that want revenge and they have their own.

You're listening to F-E-T-U-S.

All murder babies all the time.

But there's like baby crying noises and as the subtitles told me, male humming.

What?

And then there's like this low fuck jam music going on underneath of it.

Yeah, the ghost, that's the question, right?

Is that part of the baby thing?

Or is that background music in the movie?

Like, was the baby like, ha ha ha, titter, titter, titter, ching, ching?

And then the baby was like, no, can I also just get like a nice bass line?

And then a baby ghost fetus on a bass was like,

I'm a baby feet.

I'm a ghost fetus, but I also enjoy Jodicine.

So let's see what happens right now.

Look, everybody likes Jodicine.

So Rhea follows the footsteps and the baby laughter down a hall.

And then the fetus slides out a menacing menacing note on that construction paper.

And it says, Somebody's in here.

It says, a visit from death.

With a smiley face.

With a smiley face.

That baby.

That chicy baby.

Yeah.

Take a moment for James Wand's hard on as he got so excited about a child running in a movie.

Oh, yeah.

He's his favorite thing to put in a movie.

You're right.

The scariest, the scariest of things.

Obviously, yeah.

So now we cut to her explaining what had happened to Brian, her pimp.

And he says, well, she needs to get it together because she's going to get $60,000 for two nights for this next client, which she seems to react to like she's getting paid more, but she was getting paid 35K for one night in the last scene.

Who was a wholesale?

Yeah, exactly.

There's a group on.

They went to Sex Work Costco.

Okay.

So that night.

Nana's making dinner for mom.

Goat soup and foofu is the request.

So she goes to make that.

And I don't know what else happens in this scene because mom rustles a paper

directly into the microphone.

Directly into my brainstem.

And then as that's happening, a phone goes off and we get the loudest ringtone along with the loudest newspaper for the rest of the scene.

And all the actors are just yelling across the room at each other and can't hear each other.

Just pick up the fucking phone.

Do you not have voicemail?

It should end at some point.

Okay.

So now we're cutting to Nana and Christian on a date.

They are at a date at that Holiday Inn lobby.

We saw him in with Vicki earlier.

Good lord.

And this is where he proposes to her

on the first date.

But just as he proposes, who should show up but Vicki,

who lives in this Holiday Inn Express as well.

Standing in another empty room of this Holiday Inn Express restaurant.

Yes, who is the only other person in here?

Like, imagine proposing to your girlfriend, and the only other person in the place is your ex-girlfriend.

Is your ex-girlfriend, yeah.

And she comes over and confronts him.

She's like, You brought her to where we had our first kiss.

And I really wanted our manager to be like, technically, the continental breakfast is only for guests.

I really need you guys to stop coming here.

Can I just use the waffle iron real quick?

No, you can't.

No, you're going to.

No, it's for guests.

Just a little bit.

Did you bring your own?

Did you bring your own batter?

Yes.

I don't think you did.

so nana accepts this proposal by just placing her hand on the table and looking away until the ring is on her finger which is the saddest thing ever so now we cut over to ria's place rhea gets killed by the fetus yeah and then it kills her pimp too and can i only say this stabbing scene is really interesting because like it seemed like they didn't have a big blood budget right like they bought one small canister of ben nye and they really needed to make it last for all the stabbings in the rest of this film.

And for the shower scene, of course.

Yeah, most of it went to that, huh?

And I know what you're thinking.

Okay, how's mom's mental health?

Christian's mom?

Well, good.

We're going to explore that in this scene.

Jesus.

What?

Why?

But I do.

Why is this scene?

Why is this mom?

We finally get a character that's feeling what we're all feeling while watching this movie.

I just can't.

Truly.

I don't think I can go on.

I don't think I can keep going.

It's just empty inside.

Yeah.

Nana comes in and she's like, Christian proposed.

And she's like, oh, I'm so happy for you.

And now Nana's super excited, which she was not, but go on.

Souls are very heavy.

Yeah.

So that night, she's putting on mom's bonnet.

Yeah.

And Nana is doing the entirety of this conversation.

She's like, so

you didn't tell me what you're going to wear to the wedding tomorrow.

Are you going to surprise me?

And again, it's just complete pause.

And she's like, okay,

I love you.

And they don't speak again.

At this point, I wrote in my notes, this is how Heath and I communicate and why he misses Moo Dang when I introduce it to him for the first time.

Okay, that baby hippo is delightful.

That's right.

And you would have known about it so much sooner if you listened to my text messages.

If you sent a reasonable amount of them, I would have known right away.

They're all bulldogs.

They're all bulldogs and hippos.

They're all things you'll like.

I don't send you things about my life.

Some friends reach out to friends for help and support.

I just send you bulldogs.

I'm not having this fight on on air not in front katie and alex damn it

speaking of help and support mom needs to be put on some sort of watch oh 100 way too depressed no if she's just like is this what she's talking about soul no no no she's like Can you just have my son come in and wake me up in the morning?

I want him to find my bot.

I mean, I'm wake me up in the morning.

This was all her fucking idea.

This was all her fucking fault.

What is she doing?

There's been no sign that this character is suicidal or unhappy for the entire film except for this scene.

And she's like, and will you put on some soothing music?

It's the playlist called Music to Kill Myself 2.

If you could just play that real quick.

And then right before Nana leaves, she's like, goodbye, Nana.

And Nana's just like.

All right.

See you in the morning.

All right.

Sleep nice.

Is the implication that she finally got someone else to take care of Christian?

So

she doesn't have to do it anymore.

Yeah.

She can't handle the burden of the chair anymore.

I guess.

So now we cut over to Tim.

Remember Tim, the white guy who had really an extremely little to do with this movie?

He gets murdered by the fetus.

His friend, his friend walks in and says, you're not making a mess on my floor, are you?

This is the second time this happens in the movie.

What?

It is.

Because earlier there's a cereal bowl left in the middle of the floor.

It's true.

It's a real problem.

I guess Tim is a messy boy.

Okay, go ahead.

Yeah, there's a chore wheel that he ignores.

It's a real thing.

so now as was heavily hinted at christian finds mom he sees that she's taken all her pills but like again i don't understand what message that was supposed to be for us the christian audience i cannot i am flabbergasted by it on the day of their wedding Yeah,

really?

Yeah, it seems like she just wanted to ruin their wedding for some reason.

The wedding that she enforced.

The wedding that she created.

Yeah, it makes no sense.

But so now Nana is in her wedding dress, sobbing on the phone.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have a theory.

Okay, all right.

Is there any chance the ghost fetus can embody people and was embodying the mom?

100%.

Wow.

As a punishment.

For.

Like, I'm going to like let this wedding, all the buildup

by the fetus.

Last second, try to ruin the wedding.

Yeah, possessing mom and ruining the wedding.

That's super spiteful because this mom wanted to save that baby.

Yeah, possible.

Yeah.

Possible.

The baby is just a force of destruction.

So spiteful.

But yeah, Christian's down at, I assume, the morgue, you know, pushing his mom into the incinerator.

And Nana's like, well, of course, we'll push back the wedding.

He's like, nah, we already have the appointment.

Let's still do it.

I already lost my mom today.

Let's not cut my wedding.

He literally says, I already lost my mom today.

I don't want to lose you too.

You can do it next weekend, my dude.

But then, as she slowly walks out of the room, she hears baby giggling and water and finds another fetus note that says, hi, mummy, are you afraid?

And then she wanders down the hallway some more, and we hear a mysterious clock ticking, and then we get another note that says, Every deed has consequences.

And then the subtitles inform us that we're hearing baby laughing, baby crawling, stabbed.

So I guess this fetus monster left a trail of notes this time, like multiple notes.

Well, this is his finale, right?

His or her finale.

I guess.

Yeah.

It would have been funny if Nana missed one of the notes and fetus demon had to be like, no, go back.

Go back.

Go back to the little room and look up

there.

Stand outside of this door.

Colder, hotter, hotter.

The subtitles just say furious scribbling and another note drops down.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Then we flash back to her dream with the little girl, where the little girl says every human being will die once after the judgment.

And then she gets stabbed by the baby.

We get a title screen that says save a baby.

And then another title screen that says, to God be the glory.

And I can't emphasize this strongly enough.

That's the end of the movie.

Seriously.

It also says, if you've ever received help from someone, it's because a baby was saved.

Save a baby and make the world a better place for someone.

So it was like a,

it's a wonderful life type of scenario with like right.

But Clarence slept through his alarm, so he just shows up at the suicide river bridge, you know, where he's George is dead underneath.

He's like, anyways, to God be the glory.

And Clarence is a fetus.

Yeah.

Yes, exactly.

And the demon.

But also, if you've ever been randomly punched in the face by somebody, it's because a baby was saved.

Apparently, yeah.

Yeah.

So not a good story.

Not a great, not masterful storytelling.

I don't think it's going to get the Oscar nod.

No.

Okay.

But more importantly,

especially with your expertise in horror movies, Katie and Ellen,

what horror franchise needs to team up with Stabby Fetus?

Well, I think the obvious choice is the fast and the furious.

Yeah!

And if you don't think that's a horror franchise, look at the body count in those movies.

I was going to say, the fast and the fury.

The amounts of innocent dead.

So many dead.

Yeah.

I'm with Alan.

All right.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

I agree.

You guys probably didn't hear.

Probably Skype broke.

I see that with you.

Isn't that the fury?

I see the fast and the fury.

No, you heard it.

Okay.

I just like it.

Isn't the fetus and the furious?

The more obvious one?

Fast and

I didn't hear you guys busting up super hard, so I just assumed you missed it.

Okay, they could be in Tokyo Drift with the wheelchair.

Two feet is too furious?

Yes!

This is what I'm talking about.

Family.

Family planning.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Shit, guys.

I think we're on to it.

All right.

I think that's going to wrap it up.

for the clot, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we did find another terrible movie.

Eli, what's on deck?

Well, ETH, we're continuing our Halloween spooktacular.

David, a Bible-toting teenage outcast new to Mission Point, Florida, discovers a mysterious underground society that is secretly led by the mayor of this small town.

Learning of their plans for sacrifice, David is forced to test his faith to save the citizens from the wheel makers and their evil intentions.

Is it too late?

The wheel makers?

That's the name of the back.

That's the name of the antagonist.

Yep.

Is it too late?

Find out.

On the eve of enshrinement, we'll be watching Church of Darkness.

Hell yeah.

Wheelmaking.

Okay.

So, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 476 to a merciful close.

Huge thanks to Katie and Alan for joining us.

Really appreciate it.

As always.

Thank you for having us.

Where can everyone hear more from you if they'd like to hear more from you?

You can find us on any of your podcatchers, Werewolf Ambulance, a horror comedy podcast you can find us on patreon

if you want to give us some cash money so many kind kind gam listeners have come over to the patreon it's amazing excellent and uh yeah you can hopefully find us on another episode of god awful movies at some point yeah thank you guys so much for having us again yeah oh my god anytime absolutely and of course a big thanks to our patreon donors for all the generosity If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful.

And I'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, The Skeptic Rat, and DD Minus, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Eagle Giraffes on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For Katie, Alan, and Eli, I'm Heath.

Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House close.

Demon Fetus learns about Etsy.com and begins ordering their stationery from there.

Sex Trafficker guy will volunteer as a docent because he loves explaining things to people.

Vicki went on to win that breakup hard.

Fetus and the Furious Family Planning made $1 billion internationally.

I love that you typed that in the notes in real time.

Hell yeah.

Better than what I had.

You could just say thank you.

Bach!

You can't block me.

I'm standing right here.

No, you're not.

I blocked you.

Just Eli turning away.

In semicircles, slowly but surely.

And just in the chair from the voice.

Yes, exactly.

Baby with a soul patch is what you need to be picturing right now, because that's what it is.

I'm just picturing the singer of Smash Mouth now.

I do look like that.

Guy Fieti for you.

I did.

Yeah, I had a lot of that going on.

Okay, we're moving on.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2024.

All rights reserved.

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