528: The Conjuring: Last Rites

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Did you not know that I am and was a professional magician for eight years?

Did not know that.

Just when you thought I couldn't get cooler, Alan.

I know you all didn't hear Katie just now, but I assume it was because of the giant sploosh she was trying to cover up.

I hate magicians upon learning.

Yeah, everybody hates me.

Of course, you do.

You're a human with dignity.

You know, my man.

That's taking it a bit far.

You know, my man, Eli, pussy magnet, well, man.

God awful

movie.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because we've all got our own kink.

I'm your host, Noah Illusions.

Heath will be unable to join us this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

I'm fantastic, Noah, because this...

This right here is my kink, sir.

I know it is.

I know that it is.

And of course, one of the best things about the October Spooktacular is that it's a great excuse to welcome back our friends from Werewolf Ambulance.

Katie, Alan, welcome back.

Hey, guys.

Hello.

We missed you.

This is also my cake.

All right.

Well, that's

spooktacular.

It works out real well.

So tell us, Katie, what will we be breaking down today?

We're talking about the brand new conjuring film, Last Rites.

It's basically just jerking off two of the worst people on the planet for two hours and 15 goddamn minutes.

Sure, there's like 42 minutes of horror movie in there somewhere, maybe.

Yeah.

What is this?

Part nine?

I think this is the ninth movie in the controverse.

And Alan, how bad was this movie?

Oh, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bow, bow, bow.

Yep, no tracks.

The only thing that could have been worse is if once again, Ed Warren.

did his Elvis impersonation.

Yep.

Which he did not do.

No.

All right.

He did not.

All right.

Yeah.

And this was a weird one for me because I was coming in cold.

I have not watched any of the other conjuring movies.

I think we did one on the show, but I was off that week or I've erased it entirely from my memory.

Hot tip, don't.

Yeah, don't.

Just pass them on by.

Pass them on by.

Well, what's funny about the Conjuring franchise is that Conjuring One is good because they completely ignore all the real stuff about the Warrens and the Annabelle doll and just made a good scary movie.

And so everybody was like, oh my gosh, like Warren material must be gold.

And so the rest of the time, they've just been scraping the bottom of this empty barrel, desperately trying to figure out what people liked.

And it was not the Warrens.

Yeah.

For people who don't know, you know that in the contract for making these movies, there's a clause that the Warrens, there could not be any mention of the Warrens and being child predators.

So just to let you know.

Because they did have a 15-year-old girl move in with them that Ed was amorous with, as the internet likes to say politely.

Oh, wow.

Doesn't.

Whoa.

What?

What?

What?

Oh, now now we're getting judgy on the podcast this year.

Okay.

Being judgy is my kink.

You guys are going to hate my surprise guest on next week's podcol.

It's actually, we're watching a normal movie.

Yeah, the spectacular part is that my 14-year-old girlfriend is.

Oh, Jesus, dude.

I live in a southern state.

Eli is recording from jail.

Oh,

I can only wish.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

I'm going to take best, worst antagonist, which would be multi-level hope.

Yeah, stairs take out no fewer than four characters in this film.

There's at least four times.

I think there might even be, no, because, right, the fifth time is falling through the ceiling.

Nope, you're right.

So it's only four stairs.

But that's that's about four too many.

Oh, yeah.

No, 100%.

Going in with our previous topic, the best, worst, good guys.

Oh, yeah.

The good guys in this movie are terrible people.

What's funny is like, look, these are reputation rejuvenator movies for the Warrens, and they keep accidentally telling true stories about the Warrens, right?

They keep accidentally being like, Well, and then they ran the fuck away because shit got too real.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, we have this mythology on our podcast that I totally forgot about until we watched this movie that is that the Warrens absolutely hate their daughter Judy and just try to spend as much time away from her as possible.

Oh, interesting.

And I think that comes up in this.

Yeah, like backs that up.

She's like, You never loved me.

And they're like, Yeah, well, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So here's the thing.

This movie made me look into the relationship between Judy and her parents, and it is fascinating.

Now, I have a lot of theories that are unproven and probably illegal to say out loud on a recorded podcast, but like.

I think this was a genuine family that had like a hun, you got to get on the family business moment.

And she was like, no, you're con people.

I don't want to.

And this is the movie retelling of that moment.

Interesting.

And just as accurate as the rest of the retelling of their, of their stories in this franchise.

Yeah.

So, okay, okay, I was going to go with best, worst, mysterious backstory.

So, we're going to meet a character who used to be a cop, and we set that up at the very beginning of the movie: that, oh, I'm going to tell you my mysterious backstory of why I'm no longer a cop later.

And man, I'll tell you what, it is,

it's not great.

Yeah,

it's not great.

It's also so banal.

Like, nobody fucking

least careable backstory.

It reminded me of, and well,

so I have a fun thing that I do, and you guys might judge me for it.

So open your hearts.

We'll decide if it's fun.

Which is sometimes if I'm at a social gathering and I'm bored, I'll make up a crazy lie about someone at that social gathering to another person at the gallery.

No, Noah has watched me do it multiple times.

I'll just

be like, did you not know Craig's dad invented tooth whitening?

And what it is, is I've created a little prank time bomb, which is that that person will later walk up to that other person who I've lied about and been like, so I hear your dad invented toothbringing.

And that person will be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

But I'm gone.

Or it's months later.

And so it's a fun little prize for me.

You're a low-rent Loki.

I'm a low-rent Loki.

Thank you, Alan.

Mischievous, handsome, sexual object.

Exactly what I am.

So I do that.

You'll fuck a horse.

That's exactly.

That's what Tony's backstory is like in this film.

It's like a prank I pulled on the movie several months ago.

Right.

No, he might as well go like, yeah, no, I I just didn't like the commute.

It was a bad commute.

So yeah.

Now I work downtown.

Yeah, but you have to get in there.

It's a bad commute and God helped me get in there.

And I'm going to go with best, worst, missing details.

So we actually recently talked about the Smurl haunting over on Scathing Atheist because we were talking, yeah, we did a who's woo about the Warrens.

And so Marsh told a little bit of the story of the Warrens and a little bit about the Smurl haunting.

And of course, because they are incredibly silly, silly, they have left out a tremendous amount of the silliest details about the Smurl Haunting, including the fact that both the parents in the Smurl haunting said that they got raped by a pig demon.

What?

Well, one was a pig demon, the other was an old lady demon.

It was, yeah, there was multiple rapey demons in the house.

Yeah.

So why would right?

Yes.

Exactly.

Why would they deprive us of the rapey pig demon?

Because there was, because I promise you, they liked used mid-journey and AI generated a couple seconds of that scene.

They were like, guys, I literally cannot stop laughing.

We cannot put it in the journey.

All right.

Fair.

Fair.

All right.

Well, even just thinking about having to watch this entire goddamn movie in theaters again makes me need to peace.

So we're going to take a quick break before we dive into all the been there done.

That.

That is

the conjuring last rites.

Eli stops.

We are midway through October.

The answer is no.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Yeah, what's the matter?

Eli wants to cut me open and use me like a tauntaun.

Again?

You guys promised.

Well, I'm sorry, Katie, but I'm trying to keep cozy this fall.

And if there's a better way to do it than tauntaunting Alan, I don't know it.

I feel like you do, though.

Eli, if you want to stay comfortable and stylish this winter, why don't you just try quince?

What's

quince?

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I have.

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Their sweaters are so comfortable, I bought two more on my own.

That's why I, Noah Lusions, personally endorse Quince.

All right, Noah, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

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All right, Alan.

Looks like no taunt-taunting for you, my friend.

Great.

Can I take the horns off?

I would prefer you not.

Two votes.

Thank you, Katie.

All right, everyone.

Welcome to the first Writers Room meeting for Conjuring Last Rights.

Do you promise this is the last one?

Dollar in the jar, Irene.

Stupid jar.

Look, guys, look, I know at this point we've made a lot of movies about the Warrens and that people only liked one of them.

And the one they did, like, absolutely had nothing to do with the Warrens.

But I'm sure that if we keep telling stories from their lives, one of them

is going to hit.

Okay, fine.

Which one are we doing this time okay i was thinking we could do the uh the smurl haunting

the smurl haunting the one where the lady says she got fucked by a pig demon well we're not gonna include that part what about the part where the guy says he was raped by an old lady demon well also not including that part

okay what about the part where the levitating kid was just jumping on a bed that was a different haunting no guys guys look we're gonna make up our own stuff okay with a demon and a suicide mirror and an Annabelle.

Seriously, dude, Annabelle is the best.

It's the only thing we've ever written that anybody liked.

I don't think they liked it that much.

Yes, they did, Steve.

They fucking did.

For the record, we hated that movie.

It's the worst.

It's bad.

It's so bad.

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up with Ed and Lorraine Warren interviewing some lady about a haunting back in 1964.

Yeah.

Right.

Basically, the subtitle might be, We Can't believe we're doing this again either.

The movie.

Right.

Jesus.

And we get like, and I would imagine that this interview is probably based on a real interview that they did, like that there's actual audio recording of.

And I say that because like, otherwise it would be more interesting.

Because the woman is just like, she's clearly describing, my dad had, you know, the symptoms of a mental illness.

We acted like it was a haunting and eventually he hanged himself.

Yes.

If someone is hearing voices, you should probably get it looked at regardless of their age.

And not by the Warrens.

Not by the doctor.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

Definitely not by the Warrens.

I assumed this was Judy at the beginning.

And I was like, well, of course Ed did that.

He's a fucking scumbag.

He took himself.

No, Jesus had to do it.

Yeah, right, right.

And she's like, you know, and after I found my dad, his corpse hanging in the living room, the house was really creepy.

And I'm like, well, of course it fucking was, man.

And, but she assumes it's because there's a ghost there.

Yeah.

Well, apparently her dad made grandfather clocks and doll faces.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I don't think there was any set of sites.

You could have a wedding in your dad's office and everyone would be like, this is a little spooky.

So she'll, but she's like, you know, but I think the ghost is locked in that storeroom right behind you.

Right.

So they uh, they go, so they go to go into the storeroom and Ed's like, I'm not so sure about this, but Lorraine, you know, she's ready to kick that ghost's ass, right?

She's ready to do some shit.

They're ready to go.

And again, if I can just victim blame a little more here, if you own a business that sells, as we see in this storeroom, creepy dolls, masks, and grandfather clocks, you're going to get a demon.

Okay.

You open a Jimmy John's, you're going to get me.

You open a clock doll emporium, you're going to get a demon.

And if you are keeping this much merchandise back in the storeroom, not only are you dummies, but you're bad at business.

Right, exactly.

yeah

get that out there like okay and then the so lorraine's looking around why not use a flashlight or turn on the overhead lights no because it's more creepy for her to wander in the dark right so she wanders around the dark there's this like there's a something under a drop cloth so we do a big reveal on that and it's it's a mirror now it is a mirror i'm gonna go ahead and say right here this movie thought that the creepiness of that mirror was going to do a lot more work than it did it sure did

it did not

because it was just a mirror It's just a mirror.

Yeah.

By the end of the movie, they will resort to, it's a lot heavier than you think, though.

Yes, right.

It's making itself heavy, which is my favorite part of this movie.

You just can imagine the face.

Right, right, yeah, exactly, exactly.

Looking like a thwomp.

Yeah.

This is a real horror for my back.

That's my joke about why I'm fat, is I'm ungovernable.

The cops aren't going to want to carry me away and approach.

Yes.

So, but yeah, but Lorraine, though, she looks into the mirror and she can feel the ghost of the mirror's fear or whatever with her psychic powers.

Yeah.

I wrote my notes at this point.

I'm already so fucking bored.

And we should say that she's like nine months pregnant.

Yeah.

And this movie, oh, right, right.

This movie has no chill and thinks you're an idiot.

So to show you she's pregnant, she stands up.

There's a key light behind her stomach so that there's an aurora around you.

Yep.

Baby in here, guys.

Baby.

God's precious creation.

They wall dogged.

Oh, yeah.

They might as well get like a tiny hand pushing through the fabric and giving us a thumbs up, holding a tiny cross.

Pow of Christ.

So, yeah, but suddenly there's a scary old lady in the mirror, and that makes Lorraine go into labor.

Or the fact that she was nine months pregnant made her go into labor.

You have sometimes being massively pregnant will kick off a labor.

Yeah, we'll just do that all by itself.

So Ed rushes her to the hospital, but something's wrong and it's very suspenseful.

Trust us.

Yeah, there's blood all over her stomach, which doesn't make sense because that baby is not currently coming out the sunroof.

No, yeah.

Oh, no, it is not.

And so, my first thought, because, like, they go for a long time, like, this baby's going to be miscarried or whatever.

And I thought for a while, I'm like, wait, are they profiting off of Lorraine's miscarriage?

They're not, right?

The baby lives, but yeah, exactly, exactly.

Like, they wouldn't, right?

Well, and here's the weird thing because they have actually hinted around at a miscarriage for nine movies, right?

There are lots of like ghostly babies throughout the films.

I've seen all these fucking things, and they are constantly doing the like, someday, right?

So I thought we were all going to play, like, literally from the conjuring one, there has been this payoff for the dead baby.

Also, side note, I fucking googled it.

I don't think the Warrens had a miscarriage.

No, certainly not anywhere you can Google it.

Like Reddit was like, did they have a miscarriage?

I keep seeing it in their movies, but I could not see any source that said they had a miscarriage.

So I don't know why it kept being a theme for all 110 billion conjuring movies.

Well, yeah,

not to defend the Warrens, but that may not be a thing that comes up in a lot of interviews.

Yeah, it's possible.

No, it would, though, because Judy would be their gift from God as a result of having lost the previous one.

You got to milk God for all it's worth.

And absolutely, there's no way in hell that the Warrens wouldn't have spun a the demon came for our baby and killed it in Eutero shot.

A hundred percent.

There's no chance that they wouldn't.

They'd be selling commemorative coins of a demon like with their baby in a headlock on a subway floor for too long.

So while she's in labor, the power goes out, right?

That's going to happen a couple of times in the movie because they're stupid and they can't think of anything new to do.

No emergency generators in 1964 either.

No, obviously not.

No, no, no, no.

And then Lorraine, while this is happening, she sees a monster hand on the ceiling.

Now, eventually I realized it was supposed to be Annabelle's hand, like a giant hand,

but it looks like a chubby, like Mickey Mouse glove of a hand, right?

Because it's a doll hand, so it's just the least scary thing if you're not familiar with these movies.

So, this movie is so fucking dark and not in like a

squinting way.

And I watched this at home, I paid $25.

I own this film.

We both did.

This was the dumbest fucking thing.

We didn't even share it.

We both

wait, let me check the U.S.

box office.

$25.

$25.

So, all all of the stuff that happens in shadow, no, I have no idea what it's like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I missed a lot because I'm looking down to write my notes half of the fucking movie because we watched this in theaters or I watched it in theaters.

So yeah, but then the baby's stillborn and Lorraine's like, give it to me.

I'm going to do magic.

And the doctors are like, well, you know,

hopefully the magic works.

So she's like, oh, dear God, let this one be alive.

And God's like, oh, you wanted an alive one.

Got it.

Right?

Sorry.

Should have been more specific.

Monkey's paw.

And like, this is very sad, worst nightmare shit, like having a stillbirth.

Oh, yeah.

But seeing it happen to Lorraine Warren, I'm like,

right?

Right?

It's an emotionally confusing part of the movie.

It really is.

This was the funniest part of the movie for me because while all of this stuff is happening, like her looking at whatever might be on the ceiling in the dark, the whole time I'm just giggling to myself because the doctor just has a flashlight in her hooter looking heroes.

Just light coming out of her navel or whatever.

They're like, wait, how does that?

I don't know.

Like he lost his keys in there.

I was wearing a watch.

I was wearing a watch.

That's my grandfather's watch.

It's okay, but yeah, the medical staff can't believe the undocumented miracle.

And then, and then we get this like quick parenting montage.

Right.

It must be nice to have had a kid before there was Tylenol.

Jesus.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm dead and a ghost.

We do it the rest of the episode as a ghost.

Oh, heavenly father.

Oh, skydaddy.

So, no, so but we get we speed through Judy's growing up.

What's funny is because so they've CGI'd these actors to look young at the beginning of the movie for that 1964 scene, but then they just stop doing that throughout the montage.

So it looks like, you know, when she comes in seven years old, it looks like her parents have aged 30 fucking years in that time.

That wasn't CGI.

Those were different people.

Oh,

wasn't it?

Yeah, those were different, those are two different actors.

Now I I was playing the young them.

Well, yeah, now I know why they didn't ease us into the old them.

They were just like in one door with young actors.

Yeah,

with the old.

So, okay, but we learned during this montage that the daughter has, she has the same bullshit psychic powers as her mom.

She got the shine.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, she got the shine.

So her mom teaches her like a litany against bullshit poem.

Yeah.

It's okay.

I just want to go on the record as saying I have a child this age.

They say the most bat shit stuff.

Last week, she woke me up at two o'clock in the morning to tell me that she dreamed about becoming one with a guitar through her skin.

Like this shit happens.

Did you teach her a weird, overly long poem?

I was like, go back to bed.

You said snickety snocket, lickety locket.

Yeah,

shickety china.

Look, shitty shicket.

Here's the thing.

My child doesn't have psychic powers yet, although the telepathy tapes are giving me hope.

But if I had a magic spell I was teaching my child that made demons go away, I would choose a fast one.

Sure.

This is a long and the length of it will be a problem throughout the movie.

Also, if you are neglectful parents, are you going to teach your child a poem that at the end of it just says, you are not there in my life, child, you are not there.

now mommy's got to go make money may i indulge in a bit of speculation sure of course because i i have no sources for this but i know that in her early life judy was not interested in having anything to do with her parents or their scam and said some things that are i would say like about as close to my parents are frauds as you can get and then when she got older and you know the money probably ran out she decided that she was a psychic and she'd actually had a bunch to do with her parents

i think this is the retelling of that.

So I think we're establishing her mythology so she can be an X-Man in future movies.

So

this is obviously all set up for her and Tony to take over in part 10, right?

So we don't have to keep paying these actors or whatever.

Yeah, we can have like, we can have Gen 2 and bring them into a bunch of newer bullshit.

So I see.

Yeah, right.

So we're going to bring you back for Conjuring 10.

I'm sorry to tell you.

So

because Patrick Wilson has a a gun and just points it at the door every time someone pushes a conjuring script underneath.

Hey, Pat, you want to pay a pedophile again?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, what I want.

I got nothing on.

Please, anything but a conjuring movie.

I'll be a pedophile.

Oh, God.

If you think it's not hard to be Patrick Wilson, I challenge you to Google Patrick Wilson and look at the AI-generated movies, which is quite literally just insidious and conjuring films three fucking clicks in.

You have to get to Aquaman before you get to a movie from 2018.

Wow.

Before you get to a movie where he wasn't running around from a CGI doll.

God, I hope he has a swimming pool in the shape of Ed Warren's head.

Fuck, there's no amount of money.

There's no amount.

He's looking at the comics that went to Riyadh and he's like, yeah, whatever, asshole.

Showing the big boys.

Yeah, right.

Side note, and I hate to distract distract our podcast, but did you guys see that a bunch of them tried to give the money to charity?

And then charity was like, hey, actually, we're not allowed to take money from dick tickets.

Yes.

Yeah, right.

I didn't know that before.

Oh, the best.

Good.

Fuck that.

It makes me so happy.

So, okay.

So now we're going to fast forward to 1986.

We're in West Pittson, Pennsylvania.

Right.

And I love it.

At first, I wrote my notes.

A guy arrives at a party, but it's not a party.

It's just a Catholic family.

It's so fucking many of them.

It's just Italians.

As an Italian Pennsylvanian, I will tell you that there is a lot of shouting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But also, he arrives listening to the cult.

And I was like, okay, all right.

All right, movie.

I'm in.

Let's go.

Yeah, that's for you.

That's a little present for you.

Yeah.

You're a little rocking 80s in there.

Yeah.

So many times in my notes throughout this film, I go, Katie, you grew up in this.

Is there any chance there was an exorcism?

You just missed it.

Just wasn't invited.

Did they want to caught you in it?

My uncle did get filled with a demon, but my aunt was yelling at my niece at the time, and they both had kitchen knives.

So, you know, we missed it.

We're not all from New Jersey, Eli.

Agree to disagree.

So, yeah, so that was my thing because this house is so like noisy.

I thought the whole time that, like, I bet this poltergeist has been trying to haunt these motherfuckers for years and just cannot get their goddamn attention, right?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I'm just here to take your soul.

Excuse me.

Soul.

If you could, yes,

I'll pass the pasta.

okay look i'm here to steal your soul but i'm also here to teach you that you don't have to shout upstairs you can go upstairs and talk to the person you're looking at you absolutely cannot how dare you katie just

from new jersey huh

she's not yelling brianna off the steps

all right so but what we're seeing here is the daughter the daughter number two of four

is getting ready for her confirmation, right?

So we see her getting ready.

The house is all hectic.

And then we see her at her confirmation.

The movie's trying to provide Verisimilitude with a camcorder shot like it was made in 1993.

There's a moment here where, like, the grandpa is congratulating her.

She's like, he goes, you did it, honey.

And I'm like, she stood still.

I mean, that's not.

She married Christ, though.

Yeah, for the second time.

I guess.

Yeah, right, right.

So, but now we're back at their house afterwards to celebrate her confirmation.

And grandpa and grandma bought her for her confirmation gift

the haunted mirror from the cold open.

Right.

Even though we just saw the mirror like five minutes prior, it's in the they have like a sheet over it and it's in the shape of a casket.

And I was like, why did they buy her a casket?

It's odd.

We're all going to die someday.

Oh, no, that's a good opening to a horror movie, right?

Now that you're confirmed, we can.

Yeah.

And for anyone who thinks it's unrealistic that your grandparents would get you a haunted mirror, that's cracked.

You did not have grandparents in the the 80s.

Okay.

I have so much weird shit that my grandparents gave me growing up that they found at a fucking garage tail and they were like, what?

You love boats.

And I'm like, so it's a kayak ore?

And they're like, covered in blood.

In the room we're in is a, I can't remember where it is, but there's a clown piggy bank that I had for my grandparents.

You said you love owls.

When?

I don't know.

Maybe it was your cousin.

So

I'll be dead in two years if you're lucky.

So now, so, but we should also point out here that the dog knows a fucking haunted mirror when he sees one.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

So throughout.

So, okay.

So now they've lit her confirmation cake, which I guess is like a birthday cake.

You blow it out.

You make wishes and blow it out.

I don't know.

I didn't get one.

Yeah, right.

I didn't fucking get one.

And that's how you ended up a heathen like the rest of us.

That's right.

I'll make you a confirmation cake.

It's a little late fall.

I'll reconfirm you.

Jesus, do you take it?

Just Jesus, like, ah, I don't know.

He's got a lot going on.

No, do I still sell the cake?

Looking a little rough.

There's a cake in it.

I'll marry Jesus for some cake.

Is she on lean right now?

So, but then she, she, you're going back to stuff in the, in the in-between times.

But I was podcasting.

No, you were.

So, but then she goes to blow out her candles, but before she can, a ghost blows them out.

And she's like, My sister blew out my fucking candles.

And that's where I started thinking, oh, this poor Polter guy is

doing this shit for years, S.

Yeah.

So, what happens is she goes, Oh, my sister blew out my candles, and they're like, No, she didn't.

And then the overhead light falls on her.

And I wrote in my notes, Don't attack me with the overhead light.

So, did the ghost go, No, she fucking did it through the lights?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, clearly, this is their big moment.

Yeah, yeah,

forgive me for trying to build dramatically, slam.

Yes.

But that's where we get the crawl, right?

The crawl comes up and gives us like the fucking, you know, this is the Warren's final case.

It ends their career, which is great because it's not a fucking career.

It's a grift.

It's a cost.

Become a mechanic instead.

Exactly.

Get a real job.

This ended Bernie Madolph's career.

Yeah, one little grift.

To be clear, it ended their career because one news crew said yes to going in the house with them and nothing happened.

And the news person faced the camera like Geraldo in Al Capone's tomb and was like, I guess these motherfuckers are liars.

Yeah,

I love that it's Al Capone's tomb.

It's a false

pretty sure it was a tomb, Alan.

You remember when Al Capone ruled over Egypt?

Well,

all right, mummy, me.

Mom,

huh?

Okay, so now we've pictured the Warrens.

Now, this movie is going to, for the first two acts,

there will be parallel tracks, right?

We're going to tell the story of this haunted house, which is boring and nothing original happens in it.

And we're going to tell the story of the Warrens just kind of tooling around, living their life, nothing to do with any fucking thing, right?

But we're going to spend fully an hour of this movie with them not doing anything.

God, I would have loved an editor to get a hold of this movie.

Just get it down a smooth 45 minutes.

Make it a nice, tight, 13-minute short film.

Well, yeah, but here's the thing: like at 90 minutes, I wouldn't have been bored, right?

Like, I would have been stupid, and I would have had a lot to make fun of, but I wouldn't have been bored out of my goddamn mind the whole time.

Yeah.

So he's doing, they're doing their lecture to like a, like in a classroom or whatever.

And at first, we don't see the classroom, but when we do, there's only like five people in it because nobody gives a shit.

And one of them is Judy.

Yeah, and one of them is their daughter.

Yeah, right.

And three of them are from 2025.

Yeah.

They're just like teens from now.

Yes, yeah, very clearly.

No effort whatsoever to make them age.

We're in skibbity toilet merch.

Yeah, right, right.

And they all make a bunch of Ghostbusters jokes at them, right?

And, but they, and that's very embarrassing.

So we cut to them at a restaurant afterwards, wishing people would just take them seriously.

Damn it.

Well, stop doing totally unserious bullshit.

Right.

Maybe somebody would.

Man, be a mechanic.

People take mechanics seriously.

Yeah.

I also have to point out that my theater was full of misbehaving children when I was watching this movie, which was a delight, by the way.

Any escape from this movie, I'm going to talk.

The reason I'm setting it up now is because one of them delivered the single greatest comedic moment that's ever been delivered in the history of time.

Oh, wow.

But it was, it was kind of theme.

I felt very 4D theater because while the children were misbehaving in their talk, the children in my theater were throwing popcorn at each other.

And I was like, it's like I'm in the movies.

So we should point out here, here too like so they they they while they're at the restaurant they they talk about how the warrens quit taking new ghost jobs because well because ghosts don't exist but also because ed had a heart attack and he doesn't think he could do it anymore sure i mean didn't slow me down you sissy but that's right

i i i worked i worked during the heart attack i edited a fucking game episode took a whole week off after everyone i did i did take a week off coward

but they will over and over again in this movie they'll kind of try to set up right, this is the case that ended their career.

Oh, Ed has a bad heart.

You know, they'll try to set up so hard that this is the case that killed Ed, right?

Yeah,

I kept just thinking, die, fucker,

yes, right, right, exactly, which is what we were all rooting for.

But yeah, I want to watch him die on screen.

And I love that their version of a heart attack was that you just have a heart that hurts sometimes after you've had one.

Yes.

So, okay, so, but then this is so stupid.

This is such inexpert filmmaking, right?

So here's what has to happen, right?

While they're doing their order, Judy has to have a demonic ghost vision, but Judy's demonic ghost vision is way too fucking long for a food order.

So this poor actor that plays Ed Warren has to do like a three-minute bit on his fucking food in the background.

Hey, hey, Craig.

I'm sort of doing the sound balancing now and I'm wondering, should the sound of him improvising an Italian restaurant order be equal to or louder than the demon motto?

Should we hear linguine clams and lasagna at the exact same volume as the rest of the movie?

I missed all of this because I was completely distracted by the fact that Lorraine ordered the linguineis.

Yeah.

As though there were an S at the end of it.

As though she one time ordered linguine and they proder just one noodle.

Yes.

Linguini is the plural of linguine.

Yes.

An insult to Katie's people.

So, okay, but Judy has her demon vision.

So now, okay, we check back in at the haunted mirror house.

Mom's doing laundry, and there's this creepy one of these dolls that walks on its own and goes, mommy, mommy, and it's in the wrong room.

Because that's the real shit that the Smurls like reported mostly.

I mean, when they weren't reporting being fucked by pig demons, they were like, oh, things were in the room we didn't expect them to be in, and we've only got four kids and my parents living with me.

You know, that was most of it, right?

Well, we get that example because next to the demon is going to hold on to the corded phone cord.

Gets caught on something.

Very scary.

What was driving me nuts is that the doll bit and the phone cord thing have been done in, if not other horror movies, other conjuring movies.

Yeah.

I was like, are they going to play hide and clap next?

Is that what's going to happen?

That game that we all know and play all the the time?

I also love the phone bit because, like, the ghost yanks the phone out while mom's talking on it and then it like slowly tugs it a little bit at a time like it's trying to play with a cat, you know?

Yeah, like it's a dollar on a fishing lot on the street in the aisle.

Sit on this chair, don't look under the pillow.

Yeah, right.

Just sit down, sit down hard, no, to the other side.

The ghost also has on shoe mirrors because it's also a pervert.

Yeah.

And upstairs, though, the kids are playing.

They're having a tea party, but where's the creepy doll, right?

Susie.

So, daughter Ford goes out looking for Susie, and she's in the other room.

Daughter Ford.

That's what Italians call him.

That's not on him.

Katie can confirm.

I don't know which number she was, but she can confirm.

That's how they feel.

It's a quattro.

I feel like Katie, every Irish listener right now is just going, yeah, Katie, how does it feel?

as if the world isn't racist enough to my people yeah yeah don't worry katie the irish can't afford this podcast

unless their english neighbor is listening with the window open for the record i am still a ghost and not partaking in this podcast

so the kid goes and she finds the little doll and it stands up and it turns into a creepy old lady.

Now, I have to say, if you're not just scared of old women, this movie doesn't have a lot to offer in terms of scary, right?

If you don't find old women and mirrors, really creepy.

But what if that old woman kind of looks like the Joker?

Right, yes, she is.

And has a weirdly big smile.

Okay, look, I'm not trying to get into the fucking mythology of this movie, but Annabelle is somehow related to this, right?

Yeah, 100%.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

So, do you think when the other demon did the doll thing, Annabelle demon was like,

kind of doing my bad?

Yeah.

No, I didn't say anything.

I just, no, I just

kind of thought you were taking mirror and I was taking doll.

I worry the brand is getting confused.

I just don't want to be that guy, but I'm kind of the doll guy around.

And I don't want to point out that the WWE production company already did a film called Oculus, which was based on a demonically possessed mirror.

So

that was way better than this.

Yeah.

But also, what the thing I love about Annabelle is that the actual doll is a raggedy ann.

Yes.

But they had to make it into this like middle-aged woman doll to make it scary.

Ooh, the ravages of Tom.

Yeah, no, yeah.

It has to be Susan Sarandon every time someone takes the phone over.

Right.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So now if we cut to like that night, right?

It's after dinner.

And the older daughters, the daughter one and two, are upstairs talking about how creepy the mirror is.

Right.

One of them's wearing a Steeler shirt, but but that is firmly Eagles country.

Obviously, it's way, way with Philadelphia side.

Yeah, right.

Although, in their defense, in that period of time, the Steelers were like the national team.

Like, the Steelers were huge because they had won a number of 80s.

Yeah.

Wow, they won them in the 70s.

Yeah, but those shirts were still.

I had a Steeler shirt in Delaware.

Oh, did you really?

No, that's fair.

That's fair.

It would have lingered.

Yeah.

But yeah, so.

Sorry to Steelers.

Yeah, but you're asking me.

It was no answering to me.

No, but that's the way that humor works.

So yeah.

Steelers playing.

But we listened to them antagonize each other for a little while, but they agree that the mirror is too creepy to have in their room.

So they decide they're going to take it outside on trash tonight and throw it away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't glean past the one daughter saying that babies are perverts.

They wish I had written that.

I wish I had written that.

She's like, babies are terrible.

Babies are perverts.

Every baby.

puts its head in a vagina.

I was going to say, this baby snuck out of my vagina.

He's not a fucking pervert.

Sucking on a titty.

like a real pervert.

Do you think there was a moment in the writer's room where someone was like reading that page and the head writer went, Is babies or perverts a thing?

What are you?

And then, like, multiple people in that room must have been like, Yeah, no, no, it's not

babies or perverts.

It's like, yeah, it's like a

penny earned.

Babies are perverts.

Eleanor Roosevelt, baby earned perverts.

So, okay, so then we watched the two of them like struggling to get this mirror outside for the trash.

And it's supposed to be like creepy, but it's just like the, it's like the moving a couch downstairs kind of a moment.

It's the fucking pivot scene from Friends.

Yes, yes.

So, okay, but they get it out.

The next morning, the family's having breakfast.

And while they're inside doing that, the garbage truck shows up and it takes the mirror.

Yeah.

Which crushes the haunted mirror.

To the most ominous score I've heard this year.

Oh, yeah.

And it's literally just two municipal workers loading it into a garbage truck.

It's like peak.

I wanted him to put a tag on it.

It's like, oh, no, this is beyond the size limit.

You have to get a permit to throw this or something like that.

You know, one of those things.

It's only the fourth Thursday of every or they're in Jersey and it just gets left there for 17 weeks.

Yeah, surprise.

Also, I have to point this out.

I know it's a little bit off topic, but I do have to point this out.

They accidentally kept the Lorem Ipsum audio of the two parents here during the breakfast shoot, right?

They're just like cutting eggs or whatever the fuck.

And the dad says, don't slap me with cheese.

I'm down on my knees.

Which, again, is a totally fine thing to say when they're like, We're just getting B-roll, guys.

Don't worry about it.

But the fact that it's in the movie, I wanted the demon to pop out of a mirror and be like, Sorry, what the fuck did you just say?

Oh, no, I'm the mirror.

I was the mirror briefly in their bedroom, and I know they do cheese play.

Oh,

I understand.

It's actually an Italian-American thing, and you're just being racist.

Wow.

Okay.

So, at the same time, though, like, so they're crushing the mirror outside in the garbage truck.

And just as it crushes, Sister One, whose idea it was to throw the thing away, starts vomiting a comical amount of blood.

Oh, it's so funny.

So fun.

And they don't react like emergency reaction right away.

She spews a fire hose of blood across the kitchen table.

And the first reaction is like, you ruined the pancake, Cystelle.

Yes, right, right.

Yeah, one of them goes, oh, Dawn.

She fucking shows it.

This isn't the first time Dawn has done this.

Did you destroy a haunted mirror again?

And Grandpa, keeping with all of his dialogue, just went,

one point earlier, he said, you know how much I love your tips.

Grandpa lines are so good.

So yeah, but so she pukes like a fucking barrels worth all over the kitchen.

And what little gets into the sink, they can see has broken mirror all over it.

So, okay, then we get a quick shot of Ed at his cardiologist's office, and he's not taking his heart health seriously at all.

He's he's a badass, he can eat steaks and

don't need no stinking dash diet.

Yeah, I'll have a pedophile relationship with a 15-year-old.

I don't have to listen to you, doc.

Right, right.

So, then we cut to Ed's birthday.

We are going to spend the next 15 goddamn minutes at this fucking birthday.

None of it will affect the story in any goddamn way.

But it will infuriate me that they have just chickens walking around inside their home.

Yeah.

Do they?

That's filthy.

You can't see the chickens in the house.

There are the chickens outside the house.

No, there's definitely a chicken just walking through the living room.

It's fucking weird.

You can't do that.

You can't have that.

This was the only part of the movie that I found scary because it was giving me flashbacks of being at family parties as a child.

Yeah, right.

They walk everyone through their haunted museum at one point, which can I say, if I believed that I had a collection of haunted objects, I would not bring friends into that room to fucking see it.

Right.

Has no one introduced them to the idea of a storage space?

Yeah, because they know about storerooms.

I mean, we saw that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We also have a rich mythology on our podcast that Ed is just always in there jerking off.

Just looking at Annabelle Deck.

Just jerking it so hard.

The Annabelle Dell

costume.

Well, we know he likes them young.

Yeah.

That's right.

So, but then there's like, we meet Tony, who is Judy's boyfriend.

Now, Judy,

like, she's like 30 now, right?

Like, we, we fast forward to, like, the story is all the way to where she's in her, you know, early 20s or mid-20s, something like that.

Yeah.

Sometime like that, yeah.

Yeah.

And, and so her boyfriend, Tony, is coming, and he's sure nervous around her dad.

And that's because he's a real prick to him for no fucking reason, right?

But this movie also makes everyone treat the Warrens as though they're really important celebrities.

Like their work is so important.

Oh, everybody recognizes them on the street.

Yeah.

It's, it's, it's disgusting.

Yeah.

Later when there's their, they go to the house and there's the like media scrum and it, the, the, the reporters all sell like they're like, coach, coach, what are you going to do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Warrens, it's the Warrens.

It's the Warrens.

How do you fucking know?

How do you fucking know?

There's no internet.

What do you, how do you know what they look like?

Right.

Just, well, there's a chubby little dude and a woman who's dressed like a Victorian ghost.

It's the

That's fair.

So, yeah, but we also learn here that Tony used to be a cop, but not anymore.

And somebody even asked me, we meet this priest that used to be like a sidekick of Ed and Lorraine's.

And he's like, well, why aren't you a priest anymore?

He's like, that's more like act three type stuff than act one stuff, I think.

So we're going to build suspense around it for no fucking reason.

Also, I do want to point out that this priest is the same guy who played the priest in the last movie, but that the timeline is now much forward.

So they put him in fucking school play old age makeup.

It's fabulous.

Oh, flour in his hair.

Yeah.

Oh, gotcha.

So there's also a motion.

He meets a different sidekick who I'm sure is from one of the other movies or whatever.

And the guy goes, like, Tony goes, did you ever see an exorcism?

And the sidekick guy goes, yeah, man, I saw all kinds of stuff that don't require anything supernatural to be visible or audible.

Yeah, a lot of stuff like that.

So meanwhile, while they're all partying, Judy is in her old childhood bedroom having memories and demon visions.

casually looking at slides during her dad's birthday party yeah uh-huh but while she's doing that suddenly she has creepy rocking chair visions well more importantly creepy Annabelle rocking chair visions oh okay which I think is important because Annabelle is downstairs in the haunted room yeah right i really wanted there to be like a house meeting where annabelle's on the couch and they're sitting there and they're like so annabelle um

we obviously don't want anyone to feel in trouble when we agreed to this roommate situation we said that we were going to resolve things through these kinds of talks.

But are you haunted visioning, Judy?

I just want to state that I did not agree to resolve things through these talks.

This was something you put up on me.

God damn it.

You signed the community agreements.

I was, I believe, conjured by the Manson family.

Yes, you were.

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Really?

Yeah, isn't it like it's like a death cult?

Okay.

That like makes her happen in the first movie.

Oh, I don't remember that at all.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think I ever watched it.

You just got to watch all 10 conjuring movies and all three insidious movies and you'll get it, everybody.

Oh, duh.

I would rather eat mirror glass, and I'm pretty sure I've seen them all.

100%.

You meet me.

Same, same, exactly.

Same.

So, okay, so, but she sees the vision, starts doing her litany against bullshit poem, and Tony comes in and sees her, right?

And he's like, hey, you know, what was that poem you were doing?

Do you want to like establish that for later in the movie?

And she's like, yeah, I would like to, like, at at least make sure everybody realizes that it involves a locket.

He's like, Yeah, it involves a locket, sure.

But as they're doing that, they start to kiss.

Yeah.

I feel like if your girlfriend is teaching you an anti-demon spell, you kind of focus up and aim for hand stuff later in the day, right?

You don't really

know what, dude.

I'm too messing just thinking about it.

Some of us, you know.

And that is my cake.

But then mom comes and she comes in mid-kiss, of course, course, and she's like, hey, Tony, Ed's in the garage and would like to include you in things.

And he's like, oh, wow, I want to be included in things.

So he leaves.

Yeah, go to the garage with her dad and you're massive boner.

Yeah, right, right.

So, and mom's like, hey, have you been

psychicking in here?

No, no, that's not ectoplasm, mom.

But what's so funny is it's, it's right after she caught them smooching and she does want to like sit sit her down for a serious talk.

So I did think we were about to watch 30-year-old Judy get a birds in the bees talk.

Yeah, right.

Just make sure he washes his hands beforehand, Judy Come off.

But yeah, she says, like, your powers are growing stronger moment, you know?

And I'm like, well, they don't exist.

So they can only go in one direction, I guess.

They can't get weaker.

Like it's the force.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

So then, okay, so we follow Tony out to the garage where Ed is holding an impromptu ping-pong tournament.

So fucking intense.

Oh, yeah.

Is this why the movie needed to be 100 years long so that we can watch everybody?

We can watch the match of ping pong tournaments.

Now, I want to, on behalf of Heath, I want to

thank you

how bad these people are at fucking ping-pong, right?

I'm not very good at ping-pong, but I know that if you're playing a good fucking game of ping-pong, every shot doesn't go straight down the middle with no fucking spin at a casual goddamn speed.

Yeah, and this is supposed to be the classic, like proving yourself to dad by being good at ping-pong scene.

And again, because Heath isn't here, I will point out that if Heath was ever put in this position, he is absolutely grand slamming someone's dad and wrecking his chances.

Oh, so okay, so first of all, Heath would beat both of these guys on the same side of the table using his phone while they had paddles.

Okay, that's how bad they are.

I feel confident saying that, but he would cheat too, right?

He'd be listing Lucy's kinks to try and throw him off his table.

And he went down there with a bone, or are you going to play ping pong with his ding-dog?

Oh, there he is.

So, okay.

So, but Ed ultimately wins the very intense ping-pong battle, but just barely because they both suck equally.

And again, so much of this movie is dedicated to their boring, banal lives.

I so want Annabelle to like pop her head in the room at several moments and be like, sorry, you guys mind?

I'm a fucking demon.

Like, you have a demon captured in a movie in the back in the other room.

I remember Mesopotamia.

No one's curious what hell is like.

No one wants to have, no one wants to do a quick Q ⁇ A.

I imply the existence of salvation.

I'd have a few follow-ups.

No, it's cool.

All right, you're doing barbara.

Well, no, you haven't a ping pong.

You're burning the burgers, by the way.

So, but Ed wins all the ping-pong, but he's a little bit worn out because his heart can't handle that much ping pong anymore.

This is what happens to Noah, too, by the way.

If he does too much things, he clutches his chest.

Yes,

that must be

a hard time.

Yeah, yeah, no, right, yeah, no, because that's where the heart hurts.

Yeah, in the chest.

Just having a heart attack turns you into Fred Sanford.

Yeah, no, it does.

It does.

Yeah, I think the worst part for Noah is that me and Heath always chant 33% race 33% race every time he does it.

I know he does really.

That's not how the math would even work.

Yeah.

So yeah, he takes that chant.

Right, right.

So, but everybody leaves except for Tony, Ed, and Lorraine.

And so Tony takes this opportunity to show them the ring that he bought to hopefully get engaged with Judy.

He just wants their permission.

Now, I said it in that tortured, weird way so that I could emphasize the fact that he sets the ring aside so that anybody who walks in will know exactly what the conversation would be about.

And Ed Warren is trying to be like, you know, our family has interesting jobs, but it really just comes off as like, you do know that that our family has like serious mental problems, right?

Right.

Are you sure you want to procreate with this?

Like, either that, or you know, that we're swingers, right?

You're cool.

I've had that conversation multiple times with people when they come into my home now, and it's difficult.

It's difficult for the mailman, it's difficult for Amazon.

Sir, please just sign for the package.

Stop shaking that bowl of keys at me.

I asked if he wanted to come inside and pee.

I didn't say way.

Oh, God.

is there plastic to all and everything

to keep the pee in

oh i see i see i got it that's smart that's smart

could usually sign for this package

so but of course uh judy comes in and she sees the ring and she's like oh i'm gonna marry you yes i will marry you hooray they're gonna get married All right.

Well, we just made it through the longest, most pointless scene in the history of horror movies.

So we've earned ourselves another break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of The Conjuring Last Rights.

You just tucked in between the sheets.

So smart.

Yeah, I can't believe I didn't think of that.

Okay, you guys ready to record?

Oh, dude, what is that smell?

Eli, is that you?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I got a little sweaty during that last segment, so I thought I'd throw in a little cologne.

Nice, right?

The opposite of nice.

What?

It's Northern Ice Crush by Goran.

Yeah.

Well, it smells like if dubious consent was a perfume.

That's what it says on the bottle.

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All right, Noah, thanks.

You sure you guys don't like the smell of this stuff?

You smell like a sex-trafficked passport.

Like the passport was sex-trafficked, or the person with the passport?

Both.

Got it.

Demon, I am here to drive you out of this house.

Never, holy man, roo!

You stay back from my daddy.

Oh.

Wait, sorry, can your kids see me?

Yes, my daughter has the gift.

Hey.

And you brought her to a haunted house?

That's...

That's kind of fucked up, man.

Sorry, they're messed up.

Well, she is strong.

Yeah, you'll see.

Right.

Okay.

You think that...

Sorry, I'm just kind of off my groove.

Take your time.

No, just honestly, it's...

I don't want to be that guy, but this is kind of an adult workplace, and I'm not...

like comfortable doing my job with your kid here.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

So parents can't be exorcists now, is what you're saying.

That's against the law.

No, no, look, it's fine.

You guys are parents.

It's just, I'm, I'm a giant pig on his hind legs with cocks for arms, and that feels inappropriate to just be doing this around a kid.

What's a cock?

See, you see what I'm talking about?

Fine.

Honey, why don't you wait in the car while we banish the demon?

Thank you.

I'm sorry for the record.

I'm sorry.

Gotta get you when I grow up.

I bet you will, kid.

I bet you will.

She seems really sweet.

Honestly, she's great.

Oh, enjoy it while you can.

Time is a thief.

Yeah, that's what they say.

It's true.

I mean, it's really, it's really true.

You want to get back into it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm good.

Okay, cool.

Back, foul, demons.

Cock hands.

I can't believe you wrote me saying, what's a cock?

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action at the haunted house where the family's getting pretty pissed at dad for not fucking calling the ghostbusters or something right

he says well you know i've reported to the church they put me on the fucking haunted house waiting list and that's where we are with this so in the lore of the warrens they're better than the church better than god himself yeah i think so yeah yeah well definitely in this movie which brings up a lot of questions about like whose powers are more power right like is god in charge because i feel like catholic priests would do well but as we're going to learn in the rest of the movie Catholic priests is fucking useless.

Specifically, crucifix is fucking useless.

Yeah.

I feel like Jesus turns to his dad up in heaven and is like,

dad.

Look, there is a common theme in exorcism movies that Jesus is always quite the sissy.

Right?

Like,

always there will be a priest that'll pull out a crucifix and go, ah, but I've got Jesus.

And then it'll burn his hand enough to throw it away or it'll catch on fire or something.

Like that's a common theme in these things.

And they really lean into it for this one.

Okay.

okay there's also there's a moment here like i love that i'm lecturing you at what what happens at fucking actors no no no i appreciate it but so there's also a moment here where like daughter one is mad at dad because he doesn't believe her he hasn't like experienced the haunting himself so he thinks that maybe they're all full of shit but i'm like He watched you vomit 23 gallons of blood and glass.

I mean, like, what does he need to see?

I saw the other child be struck down by an overhead light.

Right.

Yeah.

Like these things have happened.

Yeah, but if it doesn't happen to Jack, Jack don't know it.

I guess.

I guess.

So that's where they are.

The family is going crazy over here.

Then the fucking cinematographer just wanders out on the porch to see if there's anything creepy out there.

He's like, wind chimes, guys, spinwheel?

Fuck.

I don't know.

It's a boring movie.

Oh, I've been inside with this Italian family with my camera for four minutes now.

I think I need a little quiet on the porch.

annabelle's out there smoking yeah right yell it's like they're yelling right next to each other all the time

why do they make so much food crazy do they not know how many members of their own family they have

uh at this point i just have a note that's katie has some strong opinions on wind trips i do

you do i think it's the most obnoxious thing to do to your neighbors it's like standing outside someone's home, tunelessly playing a xylophone all night long.

Right.

No, that's exactly, exactly.

Because, like, what are the odds that the goddamn wind is going to make a song worth listening to, right?

Very slim.

I'm with you, man.

I'm fucking with you.

I want you to know that that has convinced me to purchase multiple wind tries.

I love that idea.

I love the idea that I can just be like, ping, ping, ping in someone's ear.

That's what it is.

It is, though.

That's it.

Yeah.

So, okay.

And then there's a moment where like the door mysteriously opens and the glass mysteriously falls off the table.

And I wrote, man, if these guys had cats, they would never notice this Walter Geist shit happens.

Or maybe my house is haunted and I'm just dumb.

So, and then we have this moment where like it's night and everything's dark and creepy.

And dad gets the known phenomenon of sleep paralysis.

Yeah.

Right.

Now, that's what the guy reported.

He reported like feeling like he was paralyzed on the bed.

The The movie has him floating over top of the bed because they're like, you know, what movie has ever done that that we've referenced in this film?

Totally

original thing.

Was this also a subtle nod to the old lady rape?

Because at one point we see the old lady ghost gets on top of him while he's floating.

Oh, yes.

You're right.

Yeah.

This is the succubus.

Yeah.

This was an if-you-know-you-know situation.

I guess.

Yeah.

I did not know.

Smurls turn to each other in the theater.

That's when our dad got raped.

Oh my God.

Pass the popcorn.

We're all sharing one bucket because we're poor.

So, okay, so, but while he's up there getting raped by an old lady, daughter two is downstairs watching video of her confirmation.

Or as I wrote it in my notes, she's watching game tape of the demons.

Yes, right, yeah.

Now, there's a moment.

Okay, so when she watches through it, you can see like a single frame in the video.

You can see the monster blowing out her candles.

Yeah.

So then we get, we get this moment where she's got to try to like stop the VHS tape at exactly that frame.

You could do that for 137 fucking years and it would never, ever goddamn work because if you ever did actually get that single frame,

the fucking thing would be moving and there'd be static everywhere and you wouldn't be able to see a fucking thing.

That's just not how VHS tapes worked at all.

I'm sorry, my 80s nerd needed to chime in on that.

More importantly, do you know how many tries it takes her in the movie?

Because i counted a lot it's like four it's six

it takes her six tries make cuts to your movie please anything anything okay and also speaking of inaccuracies now she's wearing a pit shirt which is my alma mater go panthers but again geographically inaccurate she would be a penn state fan yep that's fair it makes me really mad it's just such a simple thing look at a map of pennsylvania it's absolutely it was just an idiot in costuming going no pennsylvania right yeah they heard pitts did and they were like pitts oh you're right.

Pittsburgh.

You're right.

So, but just then, just as she finally finds the VHS frame that has this stupid-looking ghost, like, isn't it just like, oh, it looked like the mask?

It looked like the mask from.

It's the old lady face.

Oh, was that what it was?

It was hard to, because it was fucking VHS type.

You couldn't goddamn see it.

But just then,

she's attacked by an ex-wielding ghost redneck.

Okay, now can I say the comedic brilliance of the child in the theater?

So they're being bad, they're yelling, they're yelling boo at each other.

At this point, a grown-up has yelled at them, and I was like, don't yell at them.

They're having fun and enjoying their youth.

And we're adults watching the conjuring last rites.

We deserve this.

But the pop scare that happens here, right?

She sees it and then she turns and there's the axe-wielding demon and there's this pause.

And during that pause, one of the bad children in my theater went, Chicken Jockey, which is the funniest thing that's ever happened.

Like, young man, I don't know if you're out there, but if you ever.

I laughed so hard, so long, my theater got mad at me.

All the children turned around to watch the fat man who became floorbound at how hard I was laughing at the chicken jockey joke that child made.

I genuinely don't know what happened for the rest of this scene.

Just quickly, I have to tell my favorite in-theater in Philadelphia, somebody talking back to the screen story, which is during Lord of the Rings, the first one, the fellowship.

Sam falls off the boat, and somebody goes, Crazy, Sam.

Somebody lend a hand.

All right.

Well, now I got to tell mine first Avengers movie.

I'm watching it with my wife in the theater.

And when at the very end, when Iron Man pushes the bomb out the portal and he starts falling back and he's unconscious, a little kid in front of me goes, Who's going to catch him?

I thought that was fucking great.

That was fucking great.

Little guy.

Yeah.

he was pretty worried.

All right.

So, but yeah, so when we last left the movie,

daughter two was being attacked by an accident-wielding ghost redneck.

And then mom comes downstairs and just catches her cowering and the ghost disappears because the ghost's like, well, I can't do it if there's two of you watching.

Right.

And I guess dad is just fine.

He's fine though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So, okay, but now we get that like they talk to the media and the haunted house is a media circus.

Now, I want to point out that this family did get publicity for their bullshit claims.

They were interviewed on Larry King Live for their bullshit claims back when cable news was still trying to figure out what to do with all them fucking hours, but there weren't fucking round-the-clock news crews camped outside of their house at any fucking point.

No, come on.

Of course they weren't.

It's in the movie.

At one point, Mama Smurl, we get her like making their argument.

And this is the argument that people who believe in this shit use to defend it.

They're like, look, eight people live in the house.

What are the odds that eight entire people with the same profit motive could be a combination of gullible, lying, or mistaken?

Right?

That's the whole big argument.

She turns to the camera.

She says, eight people are not crazy.

And I wrote in my notes, so many more people than eight are crazy.

Have you been to Utah?

And it's hereditary a lot of the time.

Yeah, it does run in lines.

Not to point out the obvious, but organized religion.

Yeah.

There's a lot of crazy people.

That's why we organized it is because there was more than eight people.

Guys, we got to get a building to do this once a week.

We are having trouble.

So then we get this long, boring, predictable, and entirely pointless scene of Judy trying on wedding dresses.

I have to say, I did like the demon under her dress looking at her butt and laughing.

Right?

It gave me my favorite closed caption, which was ethereal chuckling.

Two words that have never gone together in the history of humanity.

Okay, because this movie will never be clear who the demon is or what the demon is or why or where the demon is, but it does mean that at some point, part of this demon from hell's plan was like, okay, and then, and then I'm going to get under her dress and bite her leg.

Yeah, right.

So, okay, here's the thing.

That one's good.

There's this long fucking moment where like, you know, she thinks it's the dress fitter.

and she's up under her dress and there's this long moment where the thing's pulling away the dress is pulling away, and eventually the demon is revealed.

But, like, even if it was the dress fitter lady, if she was that deep into your dress, there's something wrong, right?

Like, that would still be pretty fucking creepy.

This is why you've always got to hold in a little warning fart in case you need to get somebody to open your picture.

The old vulture defense.

But yeah, but and so, but then like the demon attacks her while she's alone in the room full of mirrors and she's cowering and everything.

and like i know that this is just some shit they made up for the movie but there's like a super sad version of this where judy actually is just you know schizophrenic or whatever she just has a mental illness or whatever and the warrens are like oh that'd be great for our scam guys she's demons

jesus christ yeah they don't love her no they don't well see what i loved about this was the idea that they just are trying to get judy in on the family business and so like they're you know they're going to a fitting because look i know magicians who do this right who like you go out to dinner with magicians, and the waiter comes over and he goes, I can tell that you're a deeply insightful person.

You have to be like, stop it, Kevin.

Stop.

Yeah.

Leave this TGI Friday's wictress alone.

So that's what I'm picturing like them going to the wedding and like Lorraine taking Judy's hide and being like, okay, so when she comes back in the room, be like, oh my God, a demon crawled out of my dress.

And they'll tell their friends.

Yeah.

And then I'll put our business card just sort of like on the desk and see if they ever get a, if anything spooky ever happens.

I know I can't, but I want to grind the podcast to a halt and just dive into I go out to dinner with magicians.

Oh, yeah.

Did you not know that I am and was a professional magician for eight years?

I did not know that.

Just when you thought I couldn't get cooler, Alan.

I know you all didn't hear Katie just now, but I assume it was because of the giant sploosh she was trying to cover up.

I hate magicians.

Upon learning.

Yeah, everybody.

of course you do.

You're a human with dignity.

You know my man.

That's taking it a bit far.

You know my man.

Eli, pussy magnet, well,

he says to something about it.

Don't worry.

He knows hundreds of card traits.

Oh, he's a bit of a historian of the art of magic, actually.

It's even more than that.

It's even sexier than you think.

It's just not something a friend of mine has ever said before.

So I'm very excited to know that you were in the biz.

Yeah, no, just in case you were ever worried about gaining accidental respect for me, the amount of time I have spent slowly pushing scarves into my sleeves is nonsense.

I just got interviewed for an emo band I was in 30 years ago and cried during the interview.

So yeah, we're on equal footing.

Everything's fine.

I was at least you got to be in a band.

All right.

So, so when we last left a movie,

Judy was having a demon thing.

And she does, they, they do the like the false.

I don't know.

There's got to be a name for this trope where she thinks she's woken up from the nightmare, but she hasn't.

And she has to go through it again.

Go dream within a dream.

Yeah, okay.

So the dream within a dream thing happens here where she, like, she thinks, oh, the demon left her, but then the mirror her tries to choke reel her.

And then Lorraine and the dress fitter lady come in and nothing, everything disappears, and there's no evidence that anything happened.

She was by herself.

Almost like it didn't happen.

Yeah, so nothing happened.

And now we're back at the haunted house, and Granny is being carted off in an ambulance

fell down the stairs yes well yeah okay yeah we're introducing the real monster of the movie the stairs right at this point but what really

happened here is that this house where these people had claimed to be haunted at some point the old woman that they had sleeping upstairs apparently slipped down the fucking stairs and fell and everybody's like oh we can make so much more money off of this now guys right because

the demon did it we could say that the demon knocked her down the fucking stairs so that if you're wondering how much sympathy you should have for the people we've been making fun of this whole time, that's where we're at now.

I have a lot of sympathy for a pig demon rape victim.

I don't know about you.

Why she hates Major.

She believes victims.

Yeah, but just like

Krema and her boon's farm problem taking her to test.

But the sidekick priest that was at the party earlier, he's showing up at the house because he knows that the church officially won't do anything for him.

They don't, you know, the Catholic Church doesn't want to get involved in anything superstitious or anything.

So, you know, they keep those hounded houses at arm's length.

So he's going to go help them.

Right.

So this is where we learn that Granny was pushed down the stairs by the ghost.

And then he explains, he's like, I'm not with your church.

I'm actually a rogue priest.

And I'm going to walk through with my, I got, but I do have holy water.

This is real holy water.

And I'm going to do the whole spirit of sanctity thing that, you know, that we do to get rid of demons.

So he's, but apparently, the ghost is too strong to take care of with nothing but the power of the almighty God of the universe because when he sprinkles his holy water, it like sublimates when it's in the basement, right?

It's one way.

On what does it sublimate?

The stairs.

Oh, fuck.

The stairs.

Yeah.

The truly evil stairs.

But it is also

under her portrait of John Wayne.

I thought maybe that had something to do with it.

Oh,

John Wayne was the monster the whole time.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

I buy it.

i don't know if you've read my interview in playboy but

you beat me to it damn it

so yeah so but the priest has like an encounter with their team and and then just fucks right off and leaves the lady there he's like i've got to go i gotta go gotta go i'll bring other people later probably or something so he leaves her and then we get him he like runs to a nearby church to get some help from bishop mckenna right but unfortunately bishop mckenna's secretary gives him the runaround for a bit.

Until she disappears?

She's a demon.

She's a demon.

She's a demon, right?

Why would you ever pick up someone else's phone?

Okay,

right, right.

So, so she Batmans away, right?

He's, she's like, well, you'll have to wait here.

So he sits there and then she Batmans away.

He's like, where'd you go?

And then the phone rings and I'm with you.

Katie, I would sit in somebody else's office for 137 fucking years with a ringing phone and I would never answer it.

It's not

my fucking phone.

It's not my phone.

The call is

not for me.

It's not for me.

I would totally answer someone's phone

and then i would tell a weird lie about the person who they were calling i'd be like do you know his dad invented toothwiping you should ask him about it so then

anyways i'm his secretary we're sleeping together bye

it's okay

so but then the doors like he's all alone and the phone call is from judy it's judy calling him but it's like she's mysterious and crackly or whatever but then the line cuts and the doors mysteriously close around him Oh, we also, we didn't mention this earlier.

Like, while he's sitting there, there's a guy who's like buffing the floors, and we see the cord to the floor buffing thing, like, getting pulled taut.

And we're supposed to think, oh, our demon does love to pull cords taut, right?

Because he did that with the phone earlier, I guess.

I don't know.

That's supposed to be a hint that our demon is around.

So, but then the priest walks out and

hangs himself with the floor waxer cord.

How in the fucking world did his body just not drop to the floor with the floor wax or following it down?

Was that not that heavy?

What was the floor waxer attached to?

Yeah, right, right.

Do you think the guy that was waxing the floor is just holding it down?

Jesus Christ, what the fuck?

Another one?

All right, so, but then

we got to go back to Tony and fucking Ed bonding over motorcycles because, you know, Ed has to learn that he is good enough for his daughter and part 10.

To lead the part 10.

So this is where Ed's like, you know, hey, I think, Tony, it's about time I tell you all about the family business.

And so he takes him out like on a tour of the demon-haunted basement.

Yeah.

His jerk off room.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Which, again, this would be a meaningful scene if we hadn't just watched him load everybody who came into the barbecue into this room, right?

Like if someone had been like, hey, Ed, can we see your haunted stuff and he'd been like no you can't this would have meaning but we know that this is what he shows people instead of his fucking vacation slides yeah but uh don't touch anything in here because i've i've jacked on most yeah

it'll stick to it's a little slippy

that's not ectoplasm it's covered in little eds

by the way if you can find it steve novella's account of ed warren showing him this basement is fucking hilarious if you can ever find uh him talking about that

can i say it's a little mean-spirited of Steve because Ed's doing a bit, and Steve is like, no, yeah,

right, exactly.

And so, but Tony goes, so hey, this, all this haunted stuff that you have, why would you not just destroy it?

And he's like, well, you can't sell tickets to destroy shit.

I mean, I mean, it because actually the demons get out when you, so it's better to.

Matt Reif isn't eventually going to buy destroyed shit.

Yes.

That's right.

That's right.

I forgot that he bought their shit, right?

Or

Falcon did.

Yep.

Yeah.

Comedian Matt Reif.

very strong jaw,

very not funny.

Good to know.

And so, and this is the part where like, like, uh, Ed confides into him about all of the shit that happened in the cold open.

And he's like, you know, Judy was dead when she was born, and then she was like, miracled back to life.

So I really don't like the thought of you fucking her or whatever.

I don't know what the fuck point he's trying to make.

Right.

No.

He also says they've done a thousand cases.

Fuck you, you have not.

Well, they eventually said 10,000.

I think the actual number, yeah, I think the actual number that they say they did is 10,000.

Yeah.

So after the book came out, and credit to the fucking Warrens, sisters from Another Misters, the Warrens just started lying about participating in cases openly.

That's every day for over 27 years.

Well, here's the thing.

They showed up to a bunch of prominent ones.

Like if they read about one in the news, they'd show up and be like, hey, we're here to help.

And everyone would be like, go away, Warren, fuck.

But then later in life, they would just be like, I was there at Iwo Jima.

And it's fucking,

I invented tooth whitening.

Let me tell you about when I walked onto Golgotha.

So this is what I was going to do.

I remember Mesopotamia.

So I climbed Mount Everest at the top, demon.

So, but then, like,

at this point, like, mom and Judy come in to rescue Ed from the scene, right?

To tell him about the priest being dead.

Yeah.

So we cut to Father Gordon's funeral.

Apparently, Lorraine is doing the eulogy, which is, I'm just approximating here, he wasn't the suicide type, weird, a ghost demon or some shit.

Yeah, right.

At this point, I'm pretty sure that Vera Farmigia

hates being Lorraine Warren.

I think so.

She is so fucking miserable and giving zero fucks.

And she's like, yes.

Yeah, Father Gordon, I guess, I don't know, he died or something.

Anyway,

we got to go back to Pittsburgh, I guess.

Yeah.

She's like, God damn it.

I was in up in the fucking air.

The problem with Vera Farmingia is she is such a brilliant, like such a talented actor.

I love her work so much.

And she got sucked into horror movies because of the orphan, right?

Like she was in the orphan where she gives an incredible performance.

And since then, they've just been like, you spooky lady, you do spooky, you do the nun and the nun too.

And that's right.

Four seasons of Bates Motel.

The prequel to Psycho.

A little less respect for her.

Do a quick goog on her heavy metal band that she sings for.

Oh, I see none.

In the opposite direction, my friend.

I'm sorry.

You've made me love her even more.

Like, there are people who star in the movies that we look at where I would feel genuinely no remorse if they were like, your review hurt my feeling.

I would lick the soles of Vera Farmesian's shoes

if she was upset by me mispronouncing how her name was.

Also, born like 10 minutes from where I live in New Jersey.

They all love me.

Basically, family, right, Katie?

Yes.

They are all from New Jersey.

He's just been holding this inside for so many years.

He felt this way about me.

He never

knows about your people.

Yeah.

It's okay.

I actually didn't know you were Italian until I made the joke.

I'm just glad I landed.

You could have been like, I'm from Estonia.

All right.

So, but as they're walking away from the coffin, Judy senses that something's wrong.

So she like fucking does the Vulcan mind meld with the coffin or whatever.

And then on the way out, she's like, she stops this other bishop and she goes, hey, where was Father Gordon?

before he died and he was like yeah he was in pennsylvania for some reason we just don't know why

so it it sounds like this movie is about to coalesce into a fucking plot at the end of Act Two.

So let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will the Warrens bring along a video camera to document any of the stuff that happens in the finale of this film?

Would that video footage easily prove their worldview and usher in a new age of global understanding?

Why wouldn't they do that, especially since we've established that the Smurl family had a fucking camcorder at the haunted house?

Find out the answers to these questions are exactly what you thought they'd be when we returned for thee, but trust us, it was pretty supernatural conclusion of the conjuring last rites.

And then she was like, what's in the house?

Oh, that was good.

But can you do like even a smidge faster?

Can you drill down on a smidge?

Yeah, please.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Oh, hey, Noah.

I'm so busy these days.

I'm doing pretty much everything at 1.5 speed.

So I'm teaching Alan and Katie how to match me.

Match your

speed?

Exactly.

Well, Eli, if you want to take your time back without sacrificing your comforts, why don't you just try Factor?

What

Factor?

Really, Alan?

You tried to taunt on me.

That's true, I did.

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I don't know, Noah.

Don't those meals get kind of samey?

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No extra cost?

That's awesome.

But have you actually tried it?

I sure have.

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All right, Noah.

I'm sold.

But where do I sign up?

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All right, Noah.

Thanks.

Guess I'm back to talking normal then.

What about

slow motion?

I think we can just stick with regular, Alan.

You have a closed mind and heart, Eli Bosnick.

I don't.

He's right, though, you do.

Yeah.

I don't.

Wow, thank you for showing me your haunted museum, Mr.

Warren.

Well, it's important you know what you're walking into with this family.

Oh, I understand, sir, but I just love your daughter.

I'm gonna kill you guys.

Oh, holy cow, what was that?

Oh, that's Annabelle.

She's a demon-filled doll.

It's honestly best to ignore her.

Oh,

okay.

Anyways, there's actually a reason that I asked to speak to you in private, sir.

You guys want to know who's in hell right now?

Annabelle, not now.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Right.

Right.

Well, I'd like permission to marry your daughter.

Big step.

That's Annabelle.

What?

I'm in the room.

I can't be in the room in the conversation.

No, you can't be in the room.

No, fuck.

Then fucking talk in the kitchen then.

The power of Christ compels you.

Oh my God, fine.

Listen.

Fine.

Tony, we think you're a swell fellow, and we know our daughter likes you a whole bunch.

We just don't know if she's ready.

Oh, I know it's soon, sir, but when you know, you just know.

And gosh darn it, I know.

I'm meant to spend my life with your daughter.

Well, Tony, if that's how you feel, damn it, I'm not going to stand in the way of young love.

Well, thanks, Mr.

Warren.

I met God once.

You guys want to know what God is doing?

Power of Christ.

Power of Christ compels me.

Yeah, yeah, fine.

And we're back for still more of this shit, and we're going to rejoin the action at the Warren's house.

And Lorraine is washing dishes when suddenly, you know, the garbage disposal gets stuck.

And what do you do when the garbage disposal gets stuck?

You stick your fucking hand up.

Stick your fucking hand up and hold the bar in there.

Kitty and I actually have an agreement that we will not stick our hands in the dish with her.

I have not kept up my end of my bargain.

Many times it's stuck.

I'm like, let me just get my hand in there.

You know, like I'm birthing a cat.

Flipping the switch, you know?

Yeah.

Got to find out what's in there.

I wrote in my notes, is this the fake psychic version of making your daughter's wedding all about you, right?

Because it's like her engagement party or whatever.

And she walks into the room.

Yeah.

So the sink just filled with demon blood.

Oh, honey, am I ruining your special wedding?

Yeah,

well, yeah.

So she reaches around in the opaque water in the drain there for a while, and she finds a locket, which is part of the litany against bullshit poem that they've been trying to force into the movie here and there.

And then the sink is full of blood.

She had pulled a pocket out as well.

Yes.

Oh, Oh, fuck.

It's the whole poem.

God damn it.

It's the whole poem.

It's too long.

Eli said it was too long.

It's just Eli pulling a scarf out of his sleeve.

She just pulls scarf after scarf after scarf out of the D-line.

Ah, it's a fucking magician.

Is there a 14-year-old at the end of this?

Really wish you weren't going to rule a threes that one, man.

So, but mom consents now that there's something wrong with Judy.

So dad like comforts her.

And then Tony shows up to tell him that something's wrong with Judy.

So, okay.

So now, but now the Warrens go to Pennsylvania, right, to interact with the plot for the first fucking time because they know that Judy's there somehow, right?

Or I guess that's where she told Tony she was going.

But why do they have to go to CGI, Pennsylvania?

Because

that was the most perfect establishing shop for Pennsylvania ever, right?

It was just like a bridge and pollution.

That was,

Can we can we get Three Mile Island in this shot?

Can we get a shot of Joe Pod turning the other way from a locker room door?

So then, but they show up at that haunted house media circus and everybody recognizes the real life ghostbusters.

Coach Warren, Coach Warren, Coach Warren, what are you going to do this season, Coach Warren?

Yep, yep.

They get to the door, they knock on the door, and Mr.

Smurl answers, and he's like, oh, wow, the Warrens, the most famous ghost hunting couple in all of America, you know,

basically invented the whole fucking investigation.

Yeah, well, you know, you know.

This isn't in the crawl.

So, and then so they go in, they go inside past all the reporters, and Lorraine immediately gets the Monster Whisper vision, right?

Like

she'd hear the demons all bustling and hustling around her.

But of course, Judy's already there.

They have the whole like, Judy, you're not ready for this.

We need to go.

We can't help this family in their hour of need.

We've retired from this work.

You know, they have to have that moment.

What is Ed's role in all of this?

It seems like Lorraine does all the heavy lifting.

He's a tragedy.

Well, he literally does the heavy lifting.

When the mirror is still, it's time to move the mirror.

Oh, true.

He does the heavy lifting.

He's the bronze.

So, what's funny is that Ed obviously thought up the scam.

Right.

When you look at the real history of the Warrens, Ed was a self-taught exorcist as opposed to, you know, the official state-sponsored program.

You need to go to the local community college to get a certificate, right?

But then a couple scams in, Lorraine was like,

I'm a little psychic.

And he was like, well, you're going to have to do a whole thing.

She was like, no, I'm just a little psychic.

And so that's why she gets the most, it's obvious they're like, they're a double act, and she wasn't getting enough attention.

It's the fucking best.

Yes, right.

So she kept giving herself new magic powers until she was equal to his bullshit.

Yeah.

I see.

So, yeah.

So, so, but Judy convinces him that, like, you know, they need to help because her parents are undeniable saints in every way.

That 15-year-old thing, that's just a rumor.

Normal.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, come on, help them.

No one needs to pee, and this movie is way too fucking long.

So they go get the demon fighting kit that they keep in the car.

They come back in.

There's this moment where the Smurls are like, oh, we sure do regret telling the press about it.

We wish we hadn't gotten all this attention that we were able to monetize later.

We sure don't want to do that.

And then so like Lorraine and Ed have to interview them.

And since that would be fucking boring, we go check in on Judy and Tony, where Judy's explaining that she like had a vision of Father Gordon hanging himself with a fucking floor waxer.

And I'm just thinking, Tony, cut and run, baby.

You can still get out of this.

Right?

You're out the ring.

You're a good looking kid.

Yeah.

You don't need this.

You're not married.

Get out of there.

Oh, there's also this great fucking moment.

Okay, I love this so much because they come back to it twice.

We see the media circus outside packing up for the night because, of course, none of the shit that happened happened, right?

Like none of the shit in this movie ever fucking happened.

So they have to explain why the news media outside wouldn't have gotten shots of this.

So we have to imagine that there's these people that are like...

packed around this haunted house waiting for it to do something haunted that leave every night when it gets dark.

Well, the streets are piston.

Ghosts are probably union.

I think it was safe to

these are Pennsylvania ghosts.

This is a steel town.

So, okay.

So now Lorraine is wandering around the house looking for creepy jump scare worthy shit.

Touching lamps.

Yeah, right.

Touching lamps, opening music boxes, that kind of stuff.

Ed is making pancakes for the family, Eli.

He plays a very important role.

Very important, very real.

very real role.

I didn't get overshadowed by my wife.

I have very important demonology skills.

I could explain to this ex-cop that fear is like food for demons, like these pancakes that I'm making right now.

Yeah, right, yeah, exactly.

So now, of course, and this allows us to have a scene where Tony, the soon-to-be son-in-law, is learning the ropes so that he can lead the movie in part 10, right?

So now he has to explain his ex-cop backstory, why he isn't a cop.

Now, I'm going to give you the short version and then the long version.

I know that's a weird way to do it, but the short version is it was really scary being a cop and he didn't like that.

But here's the long version.

One time they were responding to a domestic abuse call and a guy opened the door and fired at him with a shotgun, but the shotgun misfired and that's the only reason he survived.

Okay.

I, I, Heath is not here, but I feel I need to step into his shoes here.

Okay.

Of making up something insane and just believing it for the rest of of the movie.

I was sure that Tony was dead and actually a ghost.

Oh, because his partner says Judy says

your partner says you're dead to him.

Yeah, he's a ghost.

Yeah.

You're accidentally writing such a better movie.

Oh, that would have been so much better.

And the conquering 10.

But yeah, but he's decided that he didn't want to be a cop anymore after he almost got shot in the face.

And the movie's like, well, yeah, no, I get it.

And then that scene ends.

Meanwhile, Judy's off taking pictures of random shit,

right?

And Lorraine finds her, they have like a heart-to-heart about her psychic powers.

I wrote in my notes, I really miss one and a half times speed, right?

You can't do that in the theaters.

You know what else you can't do in the theaters is you can't scroll over the bottom to see how much of it is credits.

So you don't know how much actual is movie that you have to watch.

Okay.

So, but mom and Judy, while they're down there having their heart to heart, they feel demon whisper stuff going on upstairs.

And Lorraine's like, you're not ready for this.

I'll go and check it out.

I have a solo scene coming up.

So she goes upstairs.

And while she's upstairs, we have this, like, I guess this is like an Annabelle callback moment, right?

Because the creepy mommy-mommy doll comes in.

But the little girls, it's like just doing normal doll shit.

And the little girl goes, do you like dolls?

And she goes, no,

no, I don't.

Callback.

Do you guys remember eight movies ago when you liked it?

It was cramped and by cramped.

But you watched it.

You walked around and my parents used to abandon me for dolls.

You remember that?

Right, right.

It's okay.

So Lorraine is upstairs checking for jump scares.

There's like a monster shadow behind her, and then there's a monster creak behind her.

And then...

I think she's in the basement.

I don't like maybe it was the attic and I was not seeing it right because the movie was so fucking dark, but it did seem.

I don't know.

Okay, she does hear a whisper of a man's voice saying, I know what you did, dirty girl, you filthy girl.

And I thought, oh, don't threaten me with a good time.

But when I whisper that in the movie theater, I'm not allowed to see Zootopia 2 anymore.

You're going to put yourself on a registry.

Calm down.

Oh, like he's not on that registry.

So we just ask his neighbors.

Maybe you heard me when I said magician, Alan.

Cut your box nap.

What did you say, sir?

When they sign you up for Megan's list, they give you a fake thumb.

That's how it works.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

That's not a thumb.

But it is fake.

All right.

So, but Lorraine gets back from her creepy whispers and everything, and she gives Ed and the family a debriefing, right?

She tells them that there are three spirits.

Now, they didn't live in this house, but they lived on this land.

There was a husband, and he axe-murdered his wife and his wife's mom, and then I guess turned the axe on himself.

I want axe suicides in this world.

Just Bud Dwyering with an axe, yeah.

It takes a couple of shots, yeah.

Hey, Bud Dwyer, very Pennsylvania suicide.

He's a good Pennsylvania guy.

Okay, to be to be fair, I just reference Bud Dwyer every 47 seconds,

which if our listeners don't know about it, it is only from the grace of no illusions.

So yeah, no, this is the week that it makes sense.

One of my favorite things that I found on the internet is a photo

of

Bud Dwyer with a trombone in his mouth rather than a gun who says, if you don't know who this is, you don't like ska.

Yes.

Fantastic.

Okay, but to make it really weird, right?

Because, Because, so look, that's what Lorraine Warren said.

She was like, there's three demons, but they're trying to tie the fucking conjuring podcastiverse together.

And they have been sort of hinting throughout this and the insidious movies, and especially in Insidious Red Door, which I think me and Alan can agree is some of their most cohesive work to the overall lore of the series.

The whole thing is that, like, there's been this one demon, and the Lorraine and the Warrens are fighting it.

And why are they fighting it and what the deal is?

And they kind of hint at it in this movie, but like, what that that means for this movie is: she goes, There's a guy who killed his wife and killed his mother-in-law, and then he turned the axe on himself.

But they're just a cover for the demon, the puppeteer, yes, this is a real fuck it, you lost me moment for me.

Well, right, and it even ends in this weird, like, so she's like, But there's something else behind it all, another entity.

And I'm like, Well, why didn't you say four ghosts then?

Yeah, right?

Because it's not a ghost, it's a demon.

It's all like, well, yeah, or three ghosts and a demon then.

Are the ghosts just coincidental?

Yeah, right.

It's a good thing that the because, like, what does the mirror have to do with anything like that?

Yeah, the ghosts don't have anything to do with the mirror, right?

So, like, the mirror happened to, like, it's like, oh, good, a place with ghosts, finally.

This is like a sloppy HR reorg, right?

Where they're all just sitting there on a Zoom call.

And it's like, great.

So, you three will be working under B.L.

Zebub.

He's really, I'm really excited to bring a lot to this project, you guys.

Oh, because the three of us have just kind of been covering that.

No, I've got a whole mirror thing going on.

There wasn't enough middle management in this situation.

Right, right, yeah.

I'm going to send you guys a couple of select chapters from a PDF I stole of who moved my cheese.

So there is a world where you could rewrite this script from the perspective of the evil entities as three ghosts and a little lady demon.

Yeah.

And then just...

I mean, Gutenberg needs to work.

Oh, yeah.

You leave Gutenberg out of this.

And you just use the scripts from two and a half men until it stops working creatively, a.k.a.

Never.

Yeah.

So then, okay.

So then we cut to Judy and the demon now is like Terminator voicing Lorraine and beckoning Judy upstairs.

She's like, Judy, come up and help me with the demon.

Hey, can I say something brave from my full heart?

If you're in a haunted house, and anything

calls you into the attic and you go, you deserve it.

You deserve literally whatever happens.

Thank you for your bravery.

Thank you.

Also, so

also, this movie has spent the whole time.

We haven't talked about it too much, but this movie has spent the whole fucking time trying to get us creeped out about the basement.

Right?

Like over and over again, people are going into the basement and scary shit's happening in the basement and noises are coming from the basement and shit.

And now it's the fucking attic is the fucking place that all the action is happening, right?

It is.

The mirror is there.

Yeah, the haunted mirror that got destroyed earlier is back and it's there.

And it has the original crack because Doy.

Yeah, right.

Judy touches it.

Your grandfather can fix it.

Yeah.

He never did, though, that lazy

because he moaned about Carcastle McCormick.

Yeah.

So, but then, so Judy touches the crack in the mirror.

Why?

Because it's fucking thematic.

And then I don't know what fucking happens.

What I have in my notes is a cigarette rolls out from under it, unfiltered.

I don't know what that was supposed to be.

It was chalk.

It was chalk.

It was chalk.

It was chalk.

It goes on the ceiling, but she moves moves the flashlight.

Okay.

And it says, miss me in chalk on the ceiling.

All right.

Okay.

Did no one else write the note when she touched the mirror?

Judy touches her mother's crack?

I wrote that elsewhere in my notes.

No, that was not a fan picture.

That was a fan fiction.

Yeah, so it was chalk that rolled out.

Okay, yeah.

So chalk, she looks up and it says, miss me, and it's Annabelle.

And Judy scurries away from Annabelle.

But why is it Annabelle?

Why is it Annabelle?

Because it's a secret.

So now there's five demons.

Because Annabelle is very clearly a different demon.

She's the fourth demon that it's all about.

She's the one that is behind all of it.

I think.

No, no, no.

No.

I didn't even know it was fucking chalk.

So what the fuck am I going to say?

Annabelle is her own demon in the conjuring podcastiverse, which means that this demon, the demon of this house, got down to hell.

And Annabelle demon was like, hey, man, did you do my fucking bit?

Oh, yeah.

No, I just thought, you know, because the first time they ever saw a demon, it was, it was you.

It'd be scary.

Are you mad at me?

All right.

And we have to emphasize here that being chased around by a giant doll, which is what's happening in the movie at this point, is as silly looking as it sounds like it would be.

Yeah.

Like you've got to have a.

When she grabs the doorframe and its CGI cracks, I was like, guys, we're not even trying anymore.

This movie had such a massive budget.

It's like a $55 million horror movie, and none of it is on the screen.

Yeah, yeah, where is it that?

Yeah, Patrick Wilson's pocket.

I think, well, right, like

to get him to come back to do this one more fucking time.

Yeah.

So, and we should also point out like, because there's a point where she like runs away from the attic, and then the demon, like, Terminator voices her again using Daughter 2's voice.

And I'm like, oh, come on, you, you already deserved it when you went into the creepy attic, but now you're fucking asking for it.

But then,

of course, she falls down the stairs.

I think those are just dangerous stairs.

Yeah, that's when Ed and Lorraine spring into action.

They go up into the creepy attic and they see the mirror, and Lorraine goes, It found us.

You came here.

Yeah, right.

So, okay, so, but Ed and Lorraine, they sit down, to sit the family down to tell them the mirror's backstory from the cold open.

Good grief.

Yeah.

And apparently, so they're like, so whatever happened to the lady that you were interviewing at the beginning who had this one in Mirror.

And they're like, yeah,

we don't know.

We literally never checked back in with her.

Just left her in there with that ghost of the demon.

We ran away like cowards.

Now, again, keep in mind, this is a story they made up.

Yep.

It's not real.

Why wouldn't you say you defeated the well, first of all, Ghost Mirror wasn't part of their stupid fucking story?

No.

But like, why would you include this in your weird fan fiction of Ed Lorraine?

Because redemption arc, right?

You don't know our famous story about the time Ed shat himself because he was so scared.

Listen, there was a baby Yoda doll who was possessed by a demon.

He really got him.

I know he died in 2006 and didn't see the baby Yoda doll.

Baby Yoda died in 2006.

He died a long time ago in a galaxy.

But at least he didn't see Trump get elected, you know?

Yeah,

I think that would have really hurt Grogu.

Yeah.

What?

What's wrong with Trump?

So

I don't know know why you guys always have to bring politics into everything.

We're all having a good time.

How did my inbox get here?

Yeah.

People is people.

Okay.

They decide that what they got to do is they've got to take the haunted mirror to their basement of demonic wonders.

Right.

To his jerk-off room.

Again.

Yeah, to his jerk-off room.

To be very clear.

Well, I never nutted on a mirror before.

This is going to be great.

Every jerk-off room needs a mirror.

Dan cannot wait to watch himself come.

Yes.

In a broken mirror, he can watch like 400 of him come.

Yeah.

Dream come true.

And so now we have to have, so here's the finale of the movie, right?

The rest of the movie is them trying to move the mirror downstairs to the car.

That's going to be the finale.

All the demonic shit is going to be like, you know,

wrapped around that.

So first Ed gives Tony a like after this speech, we'll be in the finale type speech, right?

He says, and I quote, anything can happen, and it most likely will.

And it doesn't.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

I also like that he tells him to plan to ignore the mirror, right?

I expected for them to look the other direction.

I'm ready when my body is ready.

Thai little moms will love that one.

Ed

my fellows, my fellow Thai fighters.

So, okay, so Ed Prays, Christian Movie Totally Counts, and then they strap down the mirror and they do some suspenseful attic walking.

Now, they painstakingly set up that in this attic, they don't like there's nothing between the drywall and the insulation.

You know, if you put a foot in the wrong spot, you'll just go right through.

You just have to walk in the rafters.

That was the attic where I grew up.

You need Chekhov's drywall insulation pump-out.

Yeah, no, they'd go through, they'll go through.

So, but that's like, it's such a silly way to like create suspense.

Oh, wow, you could put a foot through the drywall.

That would be expensive expensive and inconvenient to fix.

It would be tedious to repair.

Yes, and your neck would hurt so bad at the end of that.

Yeah.

But then we have some suspenseful

getting furniture down a flight of stairs, right?

Yeah, but it's getting heavier.

It does.

It starts getting heavier as they go.

He's like, is it just me or is it getting heavier?

And he's like, yeah, no, that's how arms were.

No, no, yeah.

The demonic forces within it are adding mass.

That's the devil, all right?

Yeah.

But then the mirror takes its clothes off.

Looking demon sitting in his office.

Okay, what if the mirror takes off the wrapping?

The straps.

Yeah.

The straps.

What if it makes it a slightly more hazardous move?

I don't know.

Yeah,

he's going to be inconveniencing.

Now he has to walk.

He wouldn't know where the rafters are because the thing would be like, I miss my kids.

So

the straps are coming up.

And meanwhile, Tony can't, he's outside.

He's got to bring the car around.

They have tried to make that suspenseful as well.

Tony can't start the car.

Demons.

He's a third of a block away from the, like, he could push the car in time.

It's so stupid.

But so he's trying to start the car.

They're desperately trying to make put the mirror in the car suspenseful and failing.

But then Mr.

Smurl

falls down the fucking stairs.

We're getting to Mr.

Bean levels of chair falls at this point.

Did a 75-year-old man with like some vertigo issues write this?

Yeah.

There's left stair falling in Buster Keaton's electric house.

So, sorry, very niche reference, but it's a pretty good one.

I was pretty proud of it.

So, okay.

I looked at Alan, like, you get that.

You're old, right?

Yeah, come on.

I remember the train coming at me.

You two grandpas can slap your corduroy-covered knees at that one.

So, okay, so, so, but then he falls down the stairs, and then I guess, guess, again, it's really hard to kind of see what's going on.

I guess he's pinned down by this,

the stairs he just fell down.

I think the mirror

fell down.

He's pinned down by the mirror.

It's very scary.

Yeah, there's a moment where I thought they were going to lose a fight to a mirror, and I was back in on this movie.

Yeah.

Spoiler alert.

So outside, Tony gets the car to start, and he's going to haul ass around the car.

He's going to drift around the block.

I'm like, you're a third of a block away.

That seems careless.

And so, and he wrecks, right?

The fucking old lady ghost appears and makes him wreck.

Yeah, if he just, if he had just like driven at a normal speed, none of this would have happened.

He would have been fine, right?

He would have just gotten out of her way.

And not to take an unnecessary dig at the police force, but cops doing like illegal and irregular car maneuvers that end up in a fucking shit situation.

Totally normal.

Yeah, the old lady ghost.

So, okay.

And so, meanwhile, so they're trying to take down the demon-haunted mirror.

lorraine is still walking around looking for jump scares

right why she's got a job right so but but she comes across judy and judy is curled up in the corner because judy is possessed by a demon Is it the old lady demon or is it Annabelle's demon?

Yeah, I died.

I got it.

Yeah.

I got it.

This is a crowded workplace at this point.

There's no way these demons aren't regularly texting their partners being like, so it turns out there's actually five demons in the house now, LOL.

Kill me again.

Would have stayed on God's side.

At least that guy's got an org chart.

Heaven is ISO certified.

Yeah, what's going on?

So, so, but Judy, creepy demon, walks on all fours at Lorraine.

So, Lorraine.

Say it with me, folks at home, falls down the stairs.

Falls down the stairs.

She does fall down the stairs.

Falls down the stairs.

At this point, like, I don't know how many of the daughters got named within the movie, but I think like half or close to half of the name characters have fallen down a flight of stairs at this point.

Oh, for sure, yeah.

Yeah.

So, but Judy is now demon-possessed, right?

So, she's walking around all demon-possessed.

The dog knows a demon-possessed lady when he sees one.

So, she like uses her telekinesis to attack the dog.

Yeah, I don't like this.

Well, no, yeah, because we don't want to see the dog get hurt.

All of us have some version of hurting dogs is lame in our notes and just ignore it for the rest of the as a punishment.

In the movie's offense, the dog does get up after being thrown against the wall and it's like, yeah, better fucking game.

Yeah, better get it.

I would have been able to see that dog get up and go, you know what, I'm fine.

I'm good.

I'm good.

You're right.

I shouldn't have been barking.

Jesus on me.

But also, like, if she's got telekinesis, she's underusing it, right?

Because the dog wasn't the biggest threat.

But then Ed shows up and he has a very is that my daughter in there moment, right?

But just then, what he's about to like win the day with his self-taught demonology skills, Judy gives him a demonic heart attack.

She five-point exploding heart pulse.

And the problem for Ed is that he's carrying his heart pills in a cigarette case.

So when he pops it open, they all just fall all over the stairs.

Like, that's the first problem, other than the heart condition.

Certifiable idiot.

No, Noah and Alan can attest that that that's how old guys carry their pills in a in a non-pill structure in mixed white bushels.

Yes.

I don't take one of them until the Lord tells me to stop.

All of us people who have had heart attacks have heart pills that we carry with us as well.

At all times.

They come in a little paper

envelope that

the apothecary has given you.

And you shake your head longingly, wishing for a lost youth when you take them.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, and they're mostly cocaine.

It's cocaine.

Yeah, well, right, right.

You got to get it beaten again.

It makes it worth beating anyway.

Yeah.

We've seen crank.

Yes.

So then, so Lorraine comes into the basement where, like, the demon whisperers have led her, I guess.

I do believe she was knocked down the stairs to get to the bottom of the street.

Oh, you're no, you're right.

I'm not saying that.

Obviously, obviously, she's been knocked down a flight of stairs, as

is the want of the folks in this movie.

And of course, Axe Murder Demon is down there with her.

And she like tries to hide with him.

But old lady demon is hiding with her.

And so the axe murderer, axe murders,

axe murder, lady victim ghost.

Yeah.

Should have seen that coming, I guess.

But again, they work together.

So we have one of two situations now.

One demon murdered another demon and later they're all going to be sitting there at lunch being like.

Okay, I'm sorry I murdered you.

I got caught up in the moment and I murdered you.

Or that's their bit, which is even funnier.

right?

I think it's their bit.

Yeah.

They were in a rehearsal space in Ripley Greer for six hours the night before, being like, and then I come around and axe you there.

Okay, you're missing it.

You're a little slow.

A little slow.

You're dragging.

Not quite my tempo.

Does time should I say I'm going to ax you a question?

No, I keep telling you.

I keep telling you that line is not, because we're going for creepy.

It's not creepy.

If anyone needs me, I'll be getting hit by a car outside.

God.

Sorry, that's my mom.

Do you mind if she comes to our demon haunting?

Okay, so, but then

the basement is flooded with blood now.

And as she moves through, Tony breaks into the basement and everything disappears and everything's fine.

Because this ghost can't go when there's two people in the room.

There's two people out there.

So, but then Ed at this point, he goes, all right, get the book.

And I'm like, hey, hey, just start with the bazooka.

Open with the book.

You got to open with the book.

You think that after a thousand cases, he would know these verses by heart and not need to read them, right?

Well, and it's just the fucking spirit of sanctus thing that fucking, like that everybody does.

And I almost have it memorized because we've watched so many fucking exorcism movies from this and I don't even know what Latin is.

Oh, it's a language.

Oh, okay.

Well, that makes so much more fucking sense now.

So, but they go back up to the attic and Judy has hung herself in the attic.

And then he has to cut her down with this tiny little dull-ass knife.

He might as well be trying to cut through this fucking rope with a car key, guys.

Thank you so much, Noah.

It takes so fucking long.

I wanted to give a quick PSA.

Sharpen your goddamn pocket knives.

It's not hard.

You do it while you're watching TV.

Clear your partner out a little bit, but you do it while you're watching TV.

Keep them sharp because you need to get through a rope.

Or when you're dealing with customer service face-to-face, yeah, sometimes that helps.

But eventually he does manage to cut her down and she falls through the ceiling.

It does pay off.

Yeah, and it's not downstairs this time.

See, they're creative.

But she's out.

They have to do CPR, right?

So Ed starts doing CPR, but then he has a heart attack lit again, right?

Because he's fine.

He had the one little one, and I guess he got one of the pills to do.

Yeah, right.

The pill reverse at

aspirin, maybe.

But now he's having a little heart attack lit.

So Tony has to do the CPR, and she's fine because it's movie CPR.

and also he's probably certified in cpr as a first responder he should have oh you would think yeah right obviously it would have been him in the first place would have been the way to go but then then the mirror is like no noah can't pee yet and so it attacks them by spinning far too fast for it to be safe at all i hated it so much i'm just so angry it does set up like Ed's gonna fight the mirror, right?

Yes.

They do fight the fucking mirror.

It does the stand up and spin thing.

They do.

I I mean, yeah, that's who he fights the mirror.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I thought, like, Marcus of Queensbury, like, get up, you son of a bitch.

Annabelle is there.

She does the Mickey speech.

I don't know who this demon is, but he stole my bit from like four scenes ago.

Yeah, right.

So, but you run like a goil.

So, but Ed busts out his spell book.

He does the Spirit of Sanctibit.

And then Jesus, like, Jesus' name saves the day,

but then it doesn't.

And the mirror bodily attacks Tony.

Right.

It grabs Tony and like pushes him along the floor and it's

like a really bad brush for her.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, it's pinching me.

It's pinching me.

The demon is pinching me.

In the family's defense, they are not at all concerned about Tony while he's being pushed to the floor by this fucking mirror.

They're like, anyway, like, what do you want?

Yeah.

So, but just then, Judy flashes back to all of her having vision scenes from early in the movie and learns to control her powers or something.

I don't fucking know.

But all the warrants work together and collectively crack the mirror, which is good this time.

Last time it made somebody fucking vomit blood, but this time it's good.

And

they win the movie.

Literally, I wrote my notes.

The music change is the only way we know something climactic happened here.

Yeah.

How is this the climax of an actual major motion picture?

Like, how do I get $55 million?

No, the climax comes later.

And then they all touched the mirror.

The climax is later when Ed Lauren nuts on the mirror.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure, fair.

That's the big climax.

So, yeah, so, okay, so now we get the aftermath scene.

We have like wrap-up text that tells us that the family, the Smurls, lived there for another three years and then they moved.

No, not.

haunting related.

It's my favorite part of that haunting is that like, because look, here's the thing.

You're supposed to cash in on your thing you get your money and then you move and you're like oh yeah it was awful right out of west pittston yeah everybody who knows everybody who does that con knows that that's the bit but that family were just like he's a perfectly good house it ain't hungry in here no more yeah

mock it

and then the aftermath crawl tells us that the warrens would continue being dangerously full of shit without kombumpits for decades, right?

They tell us that Ed died and Lorraine did not marry because she was like 80.

How many 80-year-old widows do you?

Because she knows because she loved him so much, Katie.

It was because she loved him so much.

She never saw another penis.

No one.

No matter how many were offered.

And today we're offered.

What's a cock?

Hey, if you're going to say your catchphrase, you should deliver it with your full heart tussie, okay?

What's a cock?

That's what I'm saying.

I knew what it meant.

You have to picture her with a big cigar when she said that.

So, okay, so, but yeah, and then they put the mirror in the museum of bullshit.

Tony gets his very own set of keys.

And I'm like, oh, finally, I can leave the theater and go pee.

But no, there has to be a goddamn wedding scene at the risk of permanent injury to my bladder.

And they do this weird, happily ever after ending for the Warrens, which gave me a psychic break, right?

They were like, I think we're going to have a lot of fun years together.

And I was like, fuck, my life is so hard being a good guy.

I record 97 podcasts a second.

I want to con stupid people out of their money and write a shitty book that gets 11 movie deals.

But their happily ever after just looks like a C.

Alice edge.

It does.

It does.

Really does.

But also,

I want to point out, and I don't know what else happens in the controverse or whatever, but at no point in this movie does it ever engage with their income?

Like, what do they do for a living,

right?

Like, there seems to be some assumption that, like, I don't know, you know, all this ghost hunting they did must have been very profitable and they're living off the profit, but like, there's never any attention paid towards that.

And of course, obviously, if we accept that they're doing this for a living, because like they say in the movie, like, oh, and then later you'll go ahead and you'll write your book or whatever.

So they haven't like written a fucking book about it or anything.

If it's not a fucking con, where are they, where's their money coming from?

Right.

I think that a big thing is that they're like, do not talk about how we made money off of it.

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

Like hide the fact that we did.

Don't talk about the 15 year old.

Don't talk about the 15 year old my husband was fucking that I was complicit in and do not talk about the fact that we made a ton of money off this by doing fucking griffs.

Yep.

So yeah.

Yeah, yeah, but they never charge any of the families.

They just use these families' trauma to go out there and make money.

Right.

Well, and some of the families lies to do it too.

Yeah.

Right.

Sure, yeah.

But then the fucking movie eventually is like she gives this whole, like, I had a psychic vision of the next, you know, 12 years of your life and 35 years of mine.

And he's like, what?

She's like, let me tell you all about it.

So they do that.

And then we get these long ass final titles while I nearly piss myself.

And then the fucking movie finally goddamn ends.

We push through to the other side of the tunnel and we find credits there.

The only way out is through.

The only way out is through.

Did y'all stick around for the end of the credits?

Oh, hello.

No, there's so many credits.

I had to pee.

Alan, what?

There's a wrap-up of the mirror.

Oh, is there?

There's a picture of Ed and the mirror that are like, these two actually went off and got married

and jerked off into that mirror so many times.

There was just, there was just handheld mirrors all around the mirror.

The mirror had a miscarriage.

Yeah.

Those are our babies.

All right.

Well,

Katie, Alan, thank you again so much for your help.

It's always great to have you on.

Thank you so much for having us.

What a blast.

It's the highlight of our Halloween season.

Thank you.

Awesome.

And if you would remind our audience where they can go to hear more from you.

Werewolf Ambulance, any of your podcatchers will have it.

You could find us on Patreon, Werewolf Ambulance for our action movie bonus episodes, and TeePublic for t-shirts and all that jazz, phone cases.

I am going to buy so many t-shirts.

Why did I not know you guys had t-shirts?

Oh, they're so good.

They're so good.

Justin Gray does amazing art for us.

Awesome.

There's one shirt that is us as a circus carnival barkers, and there's a big thing behind us that has all of our little characters we made up, including one that's a big-breasted baby that just says titty baby above it.

Amazing.

I figured that'd be up your alley.

There's also one of the hamburgler smoking a bong that says get high and do crimes for Satan.

You might like that one.

Oh, yeah.

We got one for Eli, one for me.

All right.

I'm just buying all of these while we talk.

So that's going to do it for our review of the Conjuring Last Rites, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to spook ourselves again next week.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

A pregnant woman reluctantly goes to an illegal abortion clinic, which also doubles as a brothel.

What?

Only to have her aborted, mutated fetus attack everyone at the clinic.

What?

We'll be watching the 1990 classic The Suckling.

That sounds like it's a perfect movie.

You're welcome.

Sounds beautiful.

Thank you for not making us do another haunted fetus movie.

Thank you.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 528 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Katie and Alan, and definitely check out the show notes for a link to their show.

It's awesome.

And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash godawthel and thereby earn early access to a net-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Skate the Gathiest Citation Needed Dnd D minus and The Skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodOfflinemobusgmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slottick of Drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Cook and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neil Lai Bosnick.

I'm Nolus promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Close.

Tony takes a good hard look at the future he signed up for, wises up, and files for an adult.

The mirror ends up in a barbershop and says, it's a living.

According to the Smurls, the Warrens failed, and they actually had to bring in a different medium bullshitter.

Ed and Lorraine Warren lived happily ever after,

until Plum House needed more money.

Yeah.

This content is canned-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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