529: The Suckling

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Our giant mutant fetus, which has covered the doors and the walls of this building with fetal tissue, was like, all right, I know I'm a fetus and I could just jump out and tear people up, but I want to do a fun trap for this last one.

Also, guys, does electrocution make you explode? It does. Yeah, that's true.
That's true. Apparently, it does.
Scientifically true. Very accurately, scientifically.
I don't know.

Dave's the one who's in here fucking fucking up my whole cranberry juice thing. I don't know.
Scientist feel lying to science, Dave. What do you say? Actually, actually,

God awful

movie. Movie.
Movies.

Welcome back to God-Awful Movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, Teeth Enright, and I'm joined by the spooktacular Eli Boz.

Neck, Eli, how's it going?

Oh,

hello. He's done right.

Eli's going to do the haunted house voice the whole time, apparently. Well, the whole time.
I hope everyone's okay with it. Thank God for that.
Yeah.

And backed by very popular demand. You already heard one of them.
We have two veteran guest masochists, Brian and Dave from the Bring Me the Axe Horror Podcast. Brian, Dave, welcome back.

Thank you so much for having us back. Yeah, thanks for having us.
Guys, I got to tell you, like, we have people who enjoy when we have guests on the show.

I felt physically threatened by much of our listenership if I did not bring you in for our Halloween spooktacular. The people have spoken.

There was a populist swell of demand that needed to be dealt with. Listen, we're very much of the people.
So, you know,

I don't know. Speak for yourself.

That's right, Dave. Let it go to your head.
Fuck yeah, King. I saw it.

I saw, like, I remember I did see one comment like on the last one where somebody was like, oh, they, they really bring that kind of knowledge fight, Dan, and Jordan vibe to it.

And I was like, oh, shit, which one am I?

And then it sort of occurred to me. I was like, oh, my God, I think I'm the Jordan in this equation.

What does that mean for me, though?

You're contained and chill, and I'm the loud, screamy one. Okay.
And if you win a skeptical award at QED, you might show up to receive it.

Loose cannon and then the other. Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely. And the fun part is that in reality, it is the other way around a lot of the time.
Oh, yeah?

In real life, you're the loose cannon. I have a tendency to, as my therapist said, I have a lot of opinions and I'm not shy about sharing them.

All right. Getting a couple shots into Dave, taking him to a Republican convention.
Vibes established. Love it.
All right. Come in.

Dave, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched The Suckling.

Such a bad title. Oh, God, it's so gross.
It is the story of a plucky small business owner and her ragtag band of misfit employees who band together to overcome adversity

and also to kill a murderous mutated fetus of a local college girl and her definitely not gay boyfriend.

Yeah, that's accurate. And Brian, how spooktacular is this movie? Not even a little bitty.

This is pretty standard, lowbrow, no-budget horror that was coming out of New York very much at this time. You know, think Frank Hennenlauter or Troma.

It really kind of reminds me of just like exploitation grime, like Slime City and Combat Shock, if that means anything to you.

Leaves a real thin layer of filth on you after you watch it. It's kind of like riding the subway.
Yeah, I did. I felt sticky

after during. Yeah.
This is a movie made for teenagers to fuck to, not for full-grown men to watch.

This is an on, the fact that we all sat down at our computers and our homes with our families was a mistake. That was not how this was meant to be enjoyed.

This is meant to be enjoyed while a hand job was happening under a coat. And it's our fault for watching it.
Eli, you watched with Anna and your five-year-old, huh? Yeah. Cool.
All right.

Speaking of which, Eli, how bad was this movie that you watched with your family?

Well, if you love the blood-spraying creature features of the 70s and 80s, but you wish they were later than an imagined Republican abortion, you will love

this 90s movie. Indeed, 1990.

Guys, I don't even know how they managed to make it look this bad.

They had to like rent vintage camcorders to make this movie look so bad. It is crazy.
They had like one camera, like one 16 millimeter, and depending on the day, they had like one light kit. Yep.

Yeah, it definitely feels like it's shot in Schenectady, New York. It really does.
Yeah. Yeah.

That's a great way of describing things that are sad.

Yeah. Yeah.
I've been there. It's sad there.
All right. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go best, worst use of a house the director rented for the weekend.

In Schenectady, New York. In Schenectady, New York.
Yeah, it's very special. In Oswego, New York.
Yeah.

Really close.

Very specific. He's really close to where Eli grew up.
I'm pretty sure. Yeah, so close.
We all know what I'm getting at, and so it works. Just say it.
Just say the B-word.

Yeah, our football team lost to their football team. Yeah.
Costumes provided by Boscovs.

Oh, yeah.

I thought the B-word was Binghamton, but Bosco is even more descriptive. Crafty supplied by Lupo Speedy.

Oh, shit. This is a very, very weird moment we're having.

Hey, look, there are people from upstate New York out there who need to be supported because they came to other parts of this country and they explained that we have a hot dog that's just pieces of meat drenched in vinegar.

And everyone was like, get away from my family. Right now, there is one person listening who is like, I fucking knew it that I did not make up speedies in my mind.

We're all nostalgic about the weird, shitty hot dog. And everybody's like, what the fuck is wrong? This is our trauma from upstate New York.
They were so salty.

Why does it just come on a piece of white bread? Whose idea was that?

We're not out here shelling out bugs for speedies.

Long tail marketing. Okay, so I was going to go with best, worst year for horror movies.
And we mentioned this is a 1990 movie.

Other horror movies from 1990 that I saw on a list when I was looking up this one. Tremors,

Night of the Living Dead, Misery, Jacob's Ladder, Child's Play 2, the important sequel, Frank and Hooker, Arachnophobia, Flatliners, Troll 2, and Psycho 4, The Beginning, which is about the fetus of Norman Bates.

It is about the fetus of Norman Bates. Or the fetus of the child of Norman Bates.

I'm so sorry to pick a fight on air, but are you implying to our dear listenership that misery is not one of the greatest horror movies ever? No, because we won't just have a fight for this episode.

That's just like an excellent scary movie that was on this list in 1990. Sorry.
I think that poor the suckling got overshadowed by misery and night of the death. It really got ripped off.

Yeah, he missed a chance. What, Flatliners and Troll 2, and now this from the list?

And we'll probably end up doing at least Psycho 4. We got to do Jacob's Ladder.

This is my best, worst workplace drama. Yeah, that's an excellent.
It's like The Office if it was written by the Howard Stern whack pack. Sure is.
Sure.

Like, I was fully expecting high-pitched Eric and Betelgeuse at least to show up in this movie. Oh, 100%.

And I'm going to go with best, best. No, the reason I have this slimy fetus suit is for my movie, right? So like everything about this movie is terrible.
The special effects are terrible.

The acting is terrible. There's one camera.
There's one set of lights. This slimy fetus suit was made by fucking Movie Magic Studios, cost half a million dollars.

There's no question this is someone's kink that got discovered by their dad and they were like, I am

making

a move.

Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

All right.

That seems like a pretty accurate origin story for some of this. We're going to take a quick break and think about that.
And then we'll be back to tell you all about the suckling.

What about Vorlak the Annihilator? I hear his lasers are very fast.

How fast? Hey, guys. What you doing? Yeah.
What's up, what's well, listen? Dave and I were getting ready for our Christmas Christmas shopping. Christmas shopping? Already?

I know, but the holidays tend to sneak up on us. Plus, shopping is even harder if you don't want to shovel money into an evil machine.
Yeah, that's true.

It does seem like, yeah, you have to shovel money into a giant evil machine to do your shopping these days. Oh, did you add Vorlak the Annihilator? I was just saying that.

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Thanks, Eth.

So long, Gorgon, the inhaler. Dude, he can hear you.
Yeah,

he can.

Okay.

Okay, everyone. Welcome to the first ever Writer's Room meeting for the suckling.
Right.

All right. Now, fellas, I want this to be a straight creature feature, right? Big, scary monster.
Yeah, yeah, lots of blood and gore and boobs.

Oh, you know, we're going to have lots of bodacious babes with big old boobs. And a really heavy 10 minutes about the evils of abortion.

Sorry, Todd, what?

Oh, I was just thinking, maybe our boobalicious blood and guts horror feature could have some completely dead-faced anti-abortion propaganda at the front?

I mean,

that would make it longer.

Sure, why not?

So, how many boobs? A lot, man. Bring it up too much.
Yeah.

And we're back. back.
And we're going to start with a screen crawl. It says, on April 1st of 1973, the most bizarre and macabre event in all of Brooklyn's modern history occurred.

12 people, inhabitants of a reputed house of prostitution and an illegal abortion clinic, were killed. Only one occupant survived.
So that's the setup to this horror mystery we're going to watch.

Look, we're all having fun here at the suckling. Don't try to fucking weigh us down with, and it really happens, too.
Like, we're all having fun here.

Also, like, as we go through the movie, keep in mind that this movie introduced itself with based on a true motherfucking story. Oh, yeah, this movie thinks it's the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Oh, 100%.

Yes. Is that a true story? No, not even a little.

No, but they do that. It clears out where it's like on such and such day in Texas, five teens were killed one by one in one of the most bizarre crimes in the history of Texas.

And everybody forever has been like, oh shit, Texas chainsaw is a real story. It's like, I really wish I didn't truly believe that that was true.
You should actually just

kill them. It worked exactly on Heath until three seconds ago.
It's true. It's true in as much as teenagers have died in Texas.
That's true. Got it.

So I also thought it was weird that right away I was like, okay, that's April Fool's Day. This is a strange topic for pranks anyway.

Also, I found it interesting that the brothel apparently did some like vertical integration and they set up an abortion clinic in the same

it's like putting the Taco Bell right in the bathroom.

We all know where this is.

I was going to say, I'm at the brothel. I'm at the abortion clinic.
I'm at the combination brothel and abortion. Abortion clinic.
Yes. It's like, oh, it's an open bar and I'm not going to get drunk.

Yeah, exactly. The, oh, shit.
The director, Francis Terry, he made one movie, this movie, and I guess that about says it all. Yeah, he couldn't afford the house for a second weekend.
Yeah,

can I also say the uh, the music sounds kind of familiar to me? Yeah, I recognize any of this, yeah. I wrote in my notes, music by Joseph Terry appears just as the theme becomes a Halloween rip-off.

Like, blame him, you guys, I swear. Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't count as plagiarism if you play it backwards.
Yeah,

it's almost exactly. It was like ice ice baby stealing from David Bowie under pressure.
It was like one extra note with the Halloween theme.

Okay, so we get that intro and then we get a cut straight to their cold open. It's kind of just a scary movie checklist.

We get a girl sleeping and then there's a thunderstorm outside, so it's spookier. And there's a guy sneaking up the stairs with a straight razor.
Yeah.

And yeah.

I know I was supposed to be gripped with tension of this movie, but she is like painted, freehand painted a flower on her bedroom wall. And it is awful.

You know, everybody who comes into her room is like, oh, you did that yourself. Yeah, I was too busy being distracted by the rust-colored shag carpet.
Thank you.

Yeah, people go up in a room and they'd be like, oh,

you're so talented.

So you guys aren't planning to sell for a while, huh? Not for a while. I had my first, my first apartment that I ever lived in.

When we moved in, for some reason, behind the kitchen door, someone had stenciled, or not even stenciled, it was like those like sponge paint. They had put the word fresca across the whole wall.

Big fans. Like the grapefruit soda? So that was what I always wondered.
Was this someone's name or were they just a fan of the soda?

I guarantee you that was someone who like went on a three-day trip to Italy and they were like, I want our home to be more like Milano.

And then their husband murdered them and they didn't have to worry about it anymore. Well, that explains why nobody did anything about the wall, I guess.
Yeah, exactly.

I just have to point out this one moment of absolutely terrible filmmaking here. It made me so happy.
They do this pan down, this slow pan down to the razor in the killer's hand, but it's too dark.

So he has to turn the lights on with the other hand.

Yeah.

To show us that it is a scary thing. It's a razor.
But then he doesn't use the razor. He fills up a syringe inside this girl's room and then injects her with something.

And then he puts the used syringe just loose back into his pocket.

Drops the snow right in there. Oh, God.
I can feel it in my fingertips. I don't even want to fucking think about that.
Yeah. One second.
Let me just grab my keys. Oh, God.
Yeah, that's it. Oh, God.

It's under my nail. It's under my nail.
Don't do that. Ah.

Yeah. Come on, man.
She looks clean. Didn't she look clean? She looked clean, right, guys?

All right. We're going to beep that, I think.
All right. So

I want you to really consider that this is the first time you've said that.

So, also, also, I got to know, is this the combination brothel and abortion clinic? Are we there yet? Well, okay, we're going to get to it in a second. I think this is all a dream.
It's not clear.

It's not clear. So, yeah, he gives her the sedative, I guess, and picks her up and carries her away.

And then we cut straight to a hospital and we see a groggy lady, assuming it's her, and she's being wheeled down the hall of this hospital.

And then we do get the idea that maybe it's a weird dream or nightmare because there's a nurse in one of the rooms with her boobs out holding a bloody axe.

So that feels like maybe not a normal hospital. Actually, her boobs are half out.
Yeah.

Was it one?

Well, no, they're like out. You can see like half her nipples.
I couldn't understand how it was happening. I just knew that this is not quite nudity.
It's almost there. You got it.

Well, you got to get this. See, they know who they're selling these fucking movies to.
And so they got to get that stuff out of the top, like right off the top of the movie. Just get it away.

Get it out of the way. Check that one off the list.
Yeah. It, it felt unplanned, not on the actor's part, but on the movie's part.
Like they were like, all right, here's your sexy nurse costume.

And she was like, you know what would be real fucking sexy is if I got my tits out. And they were like, oh, well, that outfit's not really possible for you to get your tits out.

And she was like, that's fine. I just open it a little bit.
And they were like,

okay.

And then they gave her the heels and they were like, you've walked in heels before, haven't you? The answer.

The answer is no.

Yep, I'm a human being with legs. You're telling a weird lie right now.
Have been the whole time.

She is all this skin. She is bebopping down this hallway like she is listening to music that we cannot hear.
Yeah. You can tell she loves her job.
Yeah. Yeah.
She had fun with it, whoever that was.

So for a second we see the groggy woman in an operating room now she's strapped down she's got fuzzy cuffs holding her down on the operating bed yeah 100 bought their bdsm restraints as spencer gifts

for sure and then all of a sudden she wakes up from this nightmare sitting straight up

and Then she goes to the bathroom. She's back in that bedroom, I guess, from the beginning.
She goes into her bathroom and she takes a pill from her her medicine cabinet area.

Pink walls, pink walls in that bathroom.

Oh, also, the bathroom walls, they have that plastic paneling. I had lived in apology.
Here's some more stories about apartments I've lived in. This is really good podcasting, everybody.

I was wondering why all of Dave's notes were just, damn it, I've got another apartment. I've lived a lot of places, everyone, and I want you to know about every one of them.

Welcome to Dave's apartment. That's what they originally wanted to do instead of bring me the axe, but Brian was able to stop them.

But I had those walls in my apartment in Weymouth, Massachusetts is where I lived at the time. Horrible place.
But we had the same exact plastic, awful, like gold flecked paneling. It's amazing.
Okay.

Are we against pink walls in specifically a bath? I kind of like a pink wall. Interesting.
Like a bath. It's a festive bathroom.

It's overwhelming. It's gross.
Yeah. It's

an insane choice. No, I like it.
I'm gauche, though. All right.
Same. Okay.
It's like people who paint a stork on their baby's wall. And it's like, you become gauche best friends.
I hope so.

And now I know who the roommate who lived with you in the fresca space was.

But then the doctor from the sneaking up in the in the scene before pops up and slits her throat. And then she wakes up again.
My friends, we are 70 seconds into this movie.

We're like two swooshes deep. It's six minutes in.
This lady's been killed five times already. Carried away with the dream sequences.
They don't even know what level of swoosh they're on.

It's embarrassing. It's truly embarrassing.
Eli knows he's keeping track all the time. He's got a whole

track. It's like inception at this point.
Like once the movie kicks in, it's like, are they in the real world or are they in the dream? Drama Maze. Yeah, exactly.
Right.

But so this time she wakes up in a hospital bed with like brain sensors and an oxygen tube. And then there's doctors outside of her little room.
Let's put those doctors in air quotes. Okay.
Yes.

Thank you. There's like a cartoon mobster henchman little guy, Doc.

That guy could be a double PhD for all I know.

I would never ever believe it. He talks like his band is playing at CBGB's hardcore matinee this Sunday.
It was a weird.

He was talking about like science stuff, but again, like kind of like, yeah, the CBGB's guy. I don't know.

I don't know how she got that double remneurosis. Meh, hyper-remneurosis.
Meh. I don't know.
Yeah, it's a strange voice. All right.
In his defense, in his defense, he is the intern.

I don't think they know what an intern is. He identifies himself as the intern, and he's balder than I am.
He is also two feet tall, not a little person.

He is two feet tall, and no one is acknowledging it.

He might as well be sitting on the other doctor's lap. And they're just like, yeah, so how'd she end up with this brain tumor? Well, I'll tell you, mister.
Yeah.

Being an intern, they keep me pretty busy. Yeah, very confusing, But I guess they're observing her and learning about her hyper-remneurosis something.

We also learned that, yeah, she's the only survivor of that brothel massacre that we learned about in the screen crawl at the beginning. Yeah.
And so now we're going to get a flashback. Right.

So for those of you keeping track, we are now two sudden wake-ups from a nightmare and a flashback into this film. Yeah.
So we get a flashback to a young couple.

The guy is leading the two of them to the brothel slash abortion clinic. By the way, just to keep track of everybody, the guy's name is Bill, according to IMDB.

In the movie, his name is going to be Phil. Very clearly, Phil, not Bill.

Also, according to IMDB, the girl's name is Girl, and it will stay that way. She will not be named.
She's a pretty big deal main character. Never gets named.
Yeah. Girl.
Never gets named.

Welcome to Trump's America. And I just have to point this one shot out because I love it so much.
They're walking up to the house and they're trying to do like spooky walk up to the house.

So they've been told to walk slow, but they're shooting them from the front. So they just look like they're doing a mean impersonation of an old person with a walker.

They're just like tiptoeing along. Oh, the place and the fucking location.
It looks like Andy Milligan shot the ghastly ones there. It is

overgrown, to say the least. Yeah.
Schenectady. Yeah.

It's perfect Schenectady. But so they get to the front door and she's obviously pregnant.
And she's like, no, listen, I'm not going to like knock on you and tell anybody that you're the dad.

Like, I want to do an adoption. And he's trying to convince her to like go in and at least talk to the people at this brothel slash abortion clinic.
Okay.

There's a turn of phrase here that made me very confused about the plot of the movie for a moment. He says, we've beat this to death already.
Now, what he meant was, we've talked about this too much.

Yes, the issue. But I was like, well, why are you getting an abortion if you're already beaten?

It's like gilding the lily. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Also, abortion was illegal in New York since like the 1970s. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. This is supposed to be in 1973, like the year of Roe v.
Wade.

I guess are they going for like right before?

Wait, this is a period drama? Yeah.

Oh, man. I, that, I completely forgot about that shit.
In so many different ways, Dave.

Zing.

So they go up to the front door and they like ring the. doorbell, I guess.
And they say, we're here to see Big Mama. That's the name of the person who runs the facility.
That's Dr. Big Mama.

Please, and thank you. She's apparently some sort of doctor.
And we're meeting the concierge of the establishment here, too. He's at the front door, and he's going to lead them to the right place.

As he's doing that, it's going to be around back. You got to go around back to find the abortion area.
I guess the front is where the brothel area is.

And we watch some John walk into the brothel part in the front door. Yeah, we can tell he's here for the prostitutes because he's straightening his tie flirtatiously.

Yeah. So they walk around back and we get to, we get to learn about the workplace vibes between the front door concierge guy who we've met.
And now we're going to meet the backdoor bouncer guy.

And they have some conflict going on in the workplace for sure. Okay.
Let me explain something. And it's going to...
be a little circuitous, so please forgive me.

Like seven months ago, the New York Times wrote a review for the Broadway show of The Outsiders. And in it, they talked about how brutal the fight halfway through the show is.

And that's the funniest thing that's ever been written down on paper because it's actually a bunch of Broadway twinks rolling around, very clearly dancing with each other. I'm listening.

Someone who did not make that cut is what this bouncer is going for. He almost went.
Here's the crazy thing. Front door guy, normal guy doing a normal acting horror movie performance.

Backdoor guy might as well be telling Pony Boy to stay golden at any given moment. I am surprised he isn't like flipping a quarter throughout the entire movie.

So the first thing he says when they walk in the door is he goes, Hey, where'd you find these two? It's like,

man, that's how, this is like commerce. They come to you.
You didn't find them anywhere. You can't just go and ask people if they want an abortion.

I don't think you, I was going to say, I don't think you can cold approach people for abortions. Maybe hookers, but definitely not abortions.
Hey, you look like you're clumsy with a condom.

You need to know.

No, I work. Why are you angry at me? I just work with you.
I'm bringing the people. It's fine.
Whatever.

By the way, we're going to learn eventually, very far into the movie, that concierge guy is Sherman and Bouncer Guy is Axel. That'll be their names.
Yeah,

they're a real Jim and Dwight. Yeah.

Okay, where's that workplace comedy? I would watch that.

It's here. It's here.
We're talking about it, right? Yeah, we're on my castro.

So from there, we cut to, I think, the John who we we saw go in for a second.

He's got a propeller hat on his head now, and he opens up a briefcase that's got a bunch of dildos and fake breasts inside. And this is him getting ready for his romp with a sex worker.

Gentlemen, let me ask you a question.

When did propeller hats become sexual? Because

from 1900 to 1914, they were a hat for a child to wear. And then somewhere along the line, it just became a sign that someone is a pervert who is aroused.
And I don't know when that happened or how.

Nobody tells Eli that's not a thing and he just believes this to be sexual. You know, I was about to say, Eli, kind of born to you watching.
When did it for you?

When did it for you become sexual to be a propeller?

No, it's not. Dave, I'm with Eli on this one.
Hold me in the light. Thank you, David.
I think this is supposed to. indicate to us, the unwilling audience, that he's like a man-child kind of thing.

Like this this is a kink of his. Oh, I would agree with that for sure.
But also it doesn't jive with the rest of the scene.

She's like, all right, I'm going to humiliate you, but also we're going to have really boring anal sex.

Also, I'm very, very confused about this business. I was convinced he was there for an abortion.
Oh, yeah.

This is definitely not how abortions work. Yeah.
I'm no doctor. Maybe that's why she looks so mad that he's there.
And bored. Yeah.

I just typed in propeller hat aroused and Google was like, hey, man, we'll sell you a a fucking propeller hat. Whatever you are.

We are ignoring that last.

Okay.

So, yeah, Dave, I agree 100% in your analysis. I don't think this is a known trope like Eli's description.

I'm just saying, I think it is a signal that these, that if a man, an adult man is wearing, it's kind of like when an adult man is has a backpack on and he's riding a bike, you know immediately DWI.

When you see an adult man,

when you see an adult man with a propeller hat on, you know he's a man, man baby. And he's a sub.
Okay, yeah. And she you know he's there for some dominant his sex worker is a dom.

She takes out a whip. Pecking.
And he's got his dildo out and she grabs the dildo out of his hand, like lasso style with her whip. And that fucking rules.
She's like Indiana Jones.

Yeah, some incredible work. Yeah, yeah.
That was good stuff. We also get this weird zoom.
So unlike Nurse Lady, who was like, get him out. Come on, put him on camera.

Dom girl looks wildly uncomfortable, right? She looks like she was told that she was going to be like painting the sets or something, and then really got caulked into the topless parts of the show.

And the camera does this very leering zoom in on her boobs. I wrote my notes, thanks, camera.
I get it. I can see her breasts.

Like, she just showed up to paint like big flowers on the walls. Yes, exactly.
The director showed up. I was like, hey, baby, our actor called out today.
We're going to need you to show your tits.

Yep, don't like it. Join a union.
Yeah. And she was like, yeah, no, it's not a union gig.
Damn.

but yeah then she boredly puts a big dildo in his butt

and then that gets interrupted it's it's tuesday you know yeah typical tuesday but that gets interrupted they're kind of bored they're both like bored with this and then i think the receptionist from downstairs knocks on the door opens it up and she's like Hey, Mary, your grandma is downstairs.

And so Mary, the sex worker who's doing her thing, has to leave.

So the receptionist is apparently going to take over for the rest of the session because everybody in this facility is like wearing a lot of hats, like utility infielders, you know? Yeah,

there's a lot of ins and outs to this business that we get exposed to. And yeah, she just taps in apparently as the receptionist.

I was glad to see that this wasn't just restaurants where it was like, hey, I already made plans on Saturday. Can you cover my double?

That's

how it goes in small businesses. Sometimes you got to wear a lot of different hats and one of them's a little bit of a beanie with a propeller on it.
Sure.

Slash cut to the manager of this brothel, telling everybody they're a family. Boo!

So from there, we cut down to the waiting room for the abortion area, and Phil and

girl named Girl are mingling with Candy, another one of the sex workers, the greatest character in this movie. I know what you're thinking, podcast listener.

Hey, is there anyone in this movie doing your podcast at this movie? That would be Candy. That would be Candy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Candy is,

she's given Susan Terrell vibes, but like

50%.

Yeah, I have a note a little bit later on that says, I would be the candy of this situation.

Just a shady bitch. Yeah.
Right. So they mingle for a little bit.
Then Big Mama sticks her head out of the door and she's like, okay, come on in. Phil can't go in, only girl named Girl.

And bouncer guy Axel.

is going to take Phil to go get a sex worker while this abortion is happening is what we're showing yeah so it's a combination business huh yeah i wait i thought they were just going to look like he was like you got to show me the money is that also like oh

because don't they don't they go look money they do and can i say dave you have added so much clarity to this movie for me because we never watched the boyfriend a hooker so i was so confused why he was being led for led away for separate customer service experience it's all coming together oh maybe they're okay so they were going into the the money room to like look at his cash to make sure he can pay.

Exactly. Proceed.
Okay. Got it.
Also, Elik, could you explain to me what Pancakes Heath is? Oh, okay. So it's a very good question.
Pancakes Heath is second ever.

You know how there's Charmander and then there's Charizard and there's Charmeleon? No, because I'm an adult. Okay.
Okay. Fair enough.
Hurtful, but fair.

I like the idea that I am very evolved at Pancake Heath level, bro. That's what's implied here.
So here's the thing. When you go drinking with my friend Heath, there are three layers of Heath.

The first layer is the amount of drunk that Heath gets in the first establishment. And it's great.
Board games, talking, laughing, fun. The moment he rises out of his chair, a la Jekyll and Mr.

Hyde, he transforms into what I lovingly call pancakes Heath. This Heath is blackout drunk and is certain he will be able to talk himself into eateries at 2.30 in the morning.
Okay, okay.

Here's the thing. First of all, not blackout.
And I know that because I remember talking myself into eateries at four in the morning many times. Once you say blackout, I say relax.
It worked once.

I talked our way of like 30 of us into an Armenian mafia bar that was otherwise closed. And they were like, all right.
All right. We're going to let this guy in.

He seems ridiculous. It worked once.
And now Pancakes Heath is in a forever fugue state being like, I'm going to make this Italian restaurant open, guys. Let me assume that.

I had a puppet of myself on my hand at that moment. And this Armenian guy was like, Yeah, we're letting this guy

at this party. It's true.
So, yeah, that's Pancake Seat. Okay, I like it.
Now you got the Laura set.

You skipped step two. I feel like there was a step two that was supposed to be in there.
I went straight. Oh, no, that's step two.
That's crazy.

Step three is I have something. So when you try to leave section two of Pancake's Heath, he will take something of yours, your shoe, your wallet, your keys, and hold on to it to keep you there.

That's the most dangerous Heath.

Okay.

That one I don't remember.

So I do believe it might be a backout where you made it up okay anyway we cut to big mama bringing girl into the operating room and big mama gives her a glass of cranberry juice uh it was a weird pick i thought yeah hey can i give a note you gotta know that cranberry juice is a bad offer in your abortion clinic right like i know it's healthcare it's important cranberry juice is good at preventing UTIs but read the room drag beetle juice right there's just not a chance

should be offered. Oh, okay.
It was a science thing, maybe, with the cranberry juice. Okay.

Also, that's a myth. They don't really help with UTS.
What? I'm sorry. I don't want.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news. God damn it.
Yeah, I know. Here you are promoting false.

Sounding with cranberry juice for all those years. Okay.
Well, this is really just like a terrifying moment in the movie.

The girl passes out because the cranberry juice had like rufanol in it or something like that, right?

I feel like we are skipping past some really important stuff here when we get introduced to Big Mama. She got a big BM on her chest.
She does. And she reminds me.

I have a note that says, No, I mean that literally. This is what Mimi from the Drew Carey show did before the Drew Carey show.

And yeah,

that's very accurate. She says to the other girl, wait outside.
I want to talk to our friends.

And I wrote, well, I don't want to be a Grammar Nazi, but it's just one friend. And that's singular.

That, oh, God, that accent is going to come and go as the movie goes on because there's like a late, a little later on, and she starts like going real, with a real heavy drawl.

And I was like, has she always had that accent? No. No, she hasn't.
And she keeps, it comes and goes. And I was just like, is this supposed to be New Orleans? Where are they? Schenectady.

Allegedly Brooklyn, but yeah. Challenge.

Yeah, exactly. Right.

Also, strange little detail in this operating room, there's a poster of Alfred E. Newman on the wall.

Abortion. Just because it's an abortion doesn't mean you can't have fun with it.

Apparently, it's just to lighten the mood a little bit. Yeah.
Oh, God. This scene is lit like a snuff movie, too.

They got like one light pointing on the spot that they're supposed to be acting on, but they keep stepping out of like their spot and just straight into the shadows. It's such a weird looking movie.

Yeah. Yeah.
So again, very upsetting moment.

They cut past this happening to the end the involuntary abortion happening and Big Mama's taking a fetus out of this human being, being like, this is a huge fetus. This is really big.

And Bertha, the helper lady, has to like grab it from Big Mama. And Big Mama's like, grab it from the bottom.
You're going to, it's like too heavy. And then Bertha has to go flush it.

She indicates that this is Bertha's first day. Yeah.
Like she has no idea what they're doing. Yeah, Bertha should be doing like a follow shift with somebody, it feels like.

They also seem to imply that Bertha has an intellectual disability and is there on some kind of work exchange program. Do they? Was that me reading into it? I think that was you reading into it.

Okay, so let me explain why I'm saying that because I'm not getting a yes and thank you so much.

Beanie? Beanie.

That's a sex thing.

So later on when Bertha is talking to someone, she'll be like, she took me in off the streets, even though I'm not smart, even though I can't do other things.

And so it felt like this is a weird internship for Bertha. Okay.
I mean, the movie clearly doesn't know what an internship is. The four-foot-tall doctor is also an intern.
So maybe. Okay.

You're really fleshing out the backstory of Bertha there. Interesting.
I am, yes. Okay.
Well, regardless of how she got there, her job is to flush this fetus now. And they use like a toilet.

And I was like, well, that's going to clog, obviously.

It doesn't somehow. And we watch a fetus travel through a sewer system now.

Yep. For a a while.
For a while.

And the fetus lands in a place under a grate, and just above the grate, above ground, is a large drum of toxic waste. And I know that because it's labeled toxic waste exactly.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've seen this before. This is how you get superpowers.
And it turns out you are correct. This is how you get superpowers.

So the fetus is now like sort of alive and crying down there and getting dripped on with the toxic waste. And it's mutating into something.
Yes. Yeah.
So question.

Did they used to dump a lot of toxic waste in New York City? No. It feels like

no, I don't think so. Certainly in fiction.
It seems like every thrash band in the 80s from New York had at least six songs about either acid rain or toxic waste. Yeah.

No, they were they were big plot points. I don't know if it was actually happening, but the only person I could, I'm confident would back us up on that would be Curtis Sleewa.

I think he mentioned it during the debate. I think he won the debate last night somehow.
He did. He doesn't have a credit card.
Something I'll think about every day for the rest of my life.

Also, they're flushing this baby like straight down into the sewers. I was expecting to see way more poo.
Yeah. Yeah.

We don't see a lot of that. So we just see that drippy, toxic waste moment.
And then we get Phil in the waiting room with candy and they're bantering some more. Yep.

Bertha's also there and she tells Phil that girl, who's sitting there on the couch, that girl's going to be awake in like two hours right and when she wakes up you got to leave and I wrote in my notes why you got to move more tables with the fuck kind of I mean it is a weirdly busy uh abortion sex clinic it's also worth pointing out that the entire time this scene is happening okay there's like weirdly impressive fetus puppet work happening as the inner cutting shots.

This wet, slimy, blood-covered fetus puppet is like stretching its mouth and growing and opening its eyes and growing claws.

So, intercut with this whole scene that we're describing is this incredibly weird, vivid, practical special effects. It is very strange.
They were very, very proud of that puppet. Oh, yeah, big time.

I feel like this entire scene says so much about America. Where like she's the woman is like, you tricked me into having an abortion, which is like, that can't be true.

You showed up here with him at the front door. Remember, you had to go around the back.
You came inside. You walked into the lady.
She gave you the juice. All of that.
So it can't be a trick.

But it's also like these poor sex workers are having to like play a support role as well. So they're kind of like, what is like moonlighting, I guess, in the clinic.
Yeah.

And everybody's yelling at everyone and nobody feels good about anything. Oh, I mean, the one reoccurring theme of this movie is that they need some HR in this brothel slash abortion clinic.
Yeah.

Everyone is using inappropriate workplace language with everyone else.

Also, by the way, with that puppet work that's really just like a dedicated puppet artist throughout this movie has put like their life into making this fetus get bigger and bigger and bigger. 100%.

We see at some point the fetus mutating monster grows a lobster claw or like a single stabby talon as like a weapon. Yep.
That's going to come in handy, apparently. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like its human hand like rips away and it's got this like nasty

fang thing.

Again, I can't describe how low quality 99.99% of this movie is, except for all the practical special effects around this fetus. It felt like someone was trying to be loyal to a novel we hadn't read.

It was like, like, fans of the novel were going to be like, actually, the fetus has a single long fang. It doesn't have hands.
And they were like, oh, don't worry.

We're going to make sure we capture the oeuvre of the German author we're basing this movie on. Yeah.
Oh, and then we get a super gross coat hanger joke. Oh, that was great.
Yeah, we do. That's right.

Oh, yeah. Come on.
Big mama. Great, we're getting ready to do.
Big mama's getting ready to do Candy's abortion now. That's why Candy was waiting in the waiting room.
So, so Candy goes in.

And look, I want to sound rude here, but Candy does not look like she is of the age where pregnancy is going to be an issue. She's a medical marvel.
She is.

She goes in and Big Mama's like cleaning like ground chuck off of a coat hanger it's pretty upsetting and then she hangs a coat on that same coat hanger and puts it on she's she's into recycling yeah just

using everything yep and then we see candy waking up in the lobby waiting room area

and girl is also yelling at phil here they're still there and she's mad that like she got tricked into doing this because obviously like she got fucking roofied and then this happened which is terrifying and uh Phil's doing very badly at explaining how he did that horrible thing.

So, Bertha makes Phil leave the post-op hangout couch area. And you know what? I think we'd all like to leave for a minute.
So, we're going to take a quick break.

And then we'll be back with more the suckling.

And how long is the contract after that? 11 years. 11? Yep.
Oh, that's so many years. Hey, guys.
What's wrong?

I'm trying to upgrade my phone with a big wireless, but they won't let me do it without signing a new contract. A new contract that's full of hidden fees and charges.

Oh, well, why don't you just say no? We can't say no to big wireless. They control like all the wireless.
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See Mint Mobile for details. But Heath, if you have Mint Mobile, how do you upgrade your phone? I don't.

Right.

ETH.

I forgot. Razor, baby.

Welcome to Big Mama's house. Here we have all the pleasures a man could desire from our beautiful girl.
All right. Hell yeah.

And also, we offer abortions.

I'm sorry.

Abortions? Yeah, you know, in case things go wrong. No, no,

we know what abortion is.

It just seems odd that it's being offered.

here.

Why?

Well, you know, you're you know, you're a brothel.

So, people have sex here. Right, right, right.
But that's like, um, it's like if a restaurant also offered an emergency room in case someone choked.

Uh, also, prostitutes tend to use birth control more than the general population. Look, do you guys want a hook abortion or not?

Wait, you guys offer a combo? We certainly do. It just feels weird.
Well, you should have voted for Hillary Clinton.

Yeah.

It's 2028 right now.

Still too real.

And we're back. And now we're going to really get into the day-to-day conflicts that happen inside a brothel/slash abortion clinic, like the workplace, you know, like a Dundromifflin look at it.

We have sex worker Tammy, who we haven't met yet. She's yelling at a bad customer.
Is it the spinny hat guy that she's going to? No, I think I thought it was the butt stuff guy. Yeah, it is.
Okay.

Same guy. So she's yelling at him for being a bad customer.
And concierge Sherman is trying to do like diplomacy to work it all out. So everybody, everybody's wearing lots of hats.
Okay.

So I know for a fact that it's not Spinny Hat Guy because Tammy goes upstairs, gets a gun, comes back down and shoots that gentleman to death. Oh, I thought she shoots him not to death.

No, she shoots him to death. Okay, so yeah, gotta be a different guy because we're gonna we're gonna be hanging out with Spinny Hat Guy later.
Yeah. This place is hopping.

I said this is a very confusing movie for a flick about a sewer baby. Yes.
She shoots this guy to death. The concierge punches her unconscious and then takes the body away.

And we will never talk about what that was or why it happened ever again in the movie. There is so much happening in this movie.
Y'all, this movie has been on for 20 minutes.

A lot of moving parts. Yeah.

So we also see some progress has been made on this fetus in the sewer. It got big and now it's grown monster teeth.
Yeah.

Also, the umbilical cord is like the tentacle from, you know, the xenomorph alien that has the tentacle. That's the umbilical cord and it's got that talon on the end.
Oh my God. Yep.
Okay. Yep.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Then we see Candy and Bertha hanging out in the break room. And they're, I thought this was interesting.
They're just talking about fuck trends.

And I could see that happening in this workplace, right? Talking about like how guys are all into the money shot now as like a fad. Yeah, exactly.

And this is where Bertha reveals like the weird backstory, weirdly sentimental backstory between her and Big Mama that I found very out of place for this killer fetus movie, especially because she says that sentence about four and a half seconds before the umbilical cord comes out of the toilet and tears her head off.

Wait, Keith, Keith, when you said the break room, did you mean the bathroom? Oh, it seemed like a break room next to the bathroom. It looked like, I don't know, it looks like a break room.
Okay.

I mean, there's a toilet in the bathroom. I mean, a bathroom's a break room if you want it to be.
Depends on the kind of break, yeah. God, it is so smoky in these scenes, too.

I swear to God, if I get emphysema from this movie, I'm gonna be so mad at you guys.

Well, one way or the other, what Eli said does happen next. There's a beheading, so they hear some sort of screaming noise, and they're like, Is that a fetus screaming from maybe inside the toilet?

So they go check it out,

and yes, a tentacle somehow grabs up from inside the pipes of the toilet, grabs Bertha's head and like smashes her into the open bowl, which pops her head off entirely. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And then the body like jiggles around, blood spraying out of the stump.
Yeah. This is also when I realized that Candy worked there.
I thought she was just like a regular customer.

Oh, she thought she was just a sassy customer. Yeah.

Like, you know, like sometimes if, you know, you, if you grow up in like a small town, you go to the bar, you hang out at the bar enough that like you get real friendly with people.

It's like you hang out on like holidays with them. I thought it was kind of like that, where they all knew Candy.
They're like, oh, Candy's here, like that kind of thing. Yeah, he knows those people.

Pancake Heath. Pancake Heath does know those people.
Pancake Heath is well aware of those people because he is them. Okay.

That's accurate. Whatever.
Shut up. So

we see the beheading and then we cut downstairs. They're all hanging out.
So Candy runs down and is like, hey, that beheading just happened.

And then then at the same time phil and girl walk back into this area this living room area to report that the back door where they tried to leave from is completely stuck and they can't leave for some reason in the whiniest possible tone of voice keep in mind that the the hookers of this brother are downstairs being like oh my fucking kid birthday just got her head ripped off and over again the fucking monsters everywhere you shut the fuck up you bitch It's like, yeah, you better keep your head on, bitch, which is like, nice.

Yeah, and then Phil walks in and is like, I'm so sorry to bother you all, but the back door's a little jammed. Yeah, this is the total shift.
He's fucking nuts.

This is when I started to notice that, like, Phil might not be the father of that child, if you know what I mean. Because he's like, you guys

can't get out the back door. There's also a scene where, like, they're like, oh my God, Bertha's dead.

And so the bouncer guy, the pissed-off off bouncer goes up and he looks over the scene and he takes his finger and he wipes the blood off the toilet. He should.
And then he tastes it. He licks it.

And he tastes. How else do you think? He tastes the blood off the toilet seat of a crack toilet.
He does. And he's like, shit, this is bad.
Like, what information do you think he got?

What information did he gain from that blood? Yes, he will do it multiple times through the movie. I never understand what he learns.
Takes a sample of it.

he's just like just as i thought be positive also this is the second dead person in the movie so it's like it's already bad you just shot someone to death right yeah

also the the bouncer comes downstairs again here and he accuses candy of killing bertha yes and candy's like no it wasn't it wasn't me an animal reached out of the toilet with a tentacle and beheaded her and everyone in the room like can't decide who to believe for a minute

and candy says that she's she's going to kill him. And I just have to point out what's happening in the background here.
Okay.

So again, there's this horrible, and again, it's that sort of like grind house, like, fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, you assign.
Like, it's just this uncomfortable, yucky, sticky vibe.

That's happening in the foreground of the movie. In the background, Phil is gently jiggling the front doorknob as though he's going to go at any moment.
Oh, I got it. I got it.

He's trying to just like back out of the movie slowly.

Him and girl, I mean, understandably, are like, we'd, we'd like to just leave now, but we're going to learn here that the entire place is kind of like blocked off in every direction, all the doors, all the windows.

Yeah. And this was a funny moment, actually.
The door is stuck, the one right there. And bouncer guy Axel, he decides to try to kick down the door.

And he just kicks this door for so long, so many times in a row. Well, he kicks it like he's on the mat at a WWE match.
Yeah. You know, like it it looks like he's chicken.
Right.

Yeah, but get that again. Like they rented the house for the afternoon.
You can't go around just kicking the door out. Yeah, you sure can't.
You sure can't. Yeah.
So

he can't get the door open. And then he grabs a coat rack and tries to smash out a window.
And that window is also blocked.

This is where we learn the whole place is blocked because presumably this mutated fetus has somehow made like a big wall of, I don't know, either strawberry ice cream or stem cells around

the house, just fetal tissue blocking all the ways out of this house. The fetus, the killer mutant fetus, has blocked the doors and windows with curtains of fetal tissue.

Yeah, it's like the fetus has a magic power that's like a stem cell spray gun.

Like, you know, that expanding foam stuff you do to like seal and seal your basement if you get like a little hole or something. It's like that.

I think stem cell spray gun is the grossest thing I've ever heard.

Also, this implies just in terms of what this mutated fetus is doing, it left the sewers and the pipes.

It went all around the side of the house and then it went back into the sewer and then came up through the pipes into the toilet for that beheading. And now it's in the pipes again.

Don't think about it too much. Okay.

I mean, later on, it's going to be laying traps left and right for these people. So it's pretty smart.

Okay.

Well, they realize they're blocked in. And this is when concierge guy, Sherman, tries to call the cops, but he realizes the phone is dead.

And I suppose the fetus, while he was outside, cut the line to the phones as well.

That is what we are led to believe that the fetus, who I will point out, we have just watched sort of slowly growing into a more dangerous version of a puppet in a sewer, has not only covered the entire house in fetal tissue without anybody noticing, but it's also cut the phones.

And we also get some really great acting work from Big Mama. And I couldn't tell what, like, what she was going for because she's so deadpan.
Cause she, she comes in and she's like, it's dad.

And I was like, is it a, is that a question?

Is it a statement? Yeah. It's dad?

Right.

It's dad.

Yeah.

She's, she plays it hard. She goes hard.
She takes big swings as an actor. I did enjoy her.
She does. Yeah, for sure.
And then we get the random John guy, the beanie, spinny hat guy.

He's hanging out now. And he's like, open up these doors right now or I'm going to boycott this establishment.
And everybody's like, well, that's insane and nothing.

And he comes down zipping up his pants, which means he has taken that long to get dressed. Yeah, perhaps.
Okay. In the meantime, two people have been killed violently.
Yeah. Right.

And I do have to point out, because Heath mentioned he does sort of like an I will boycott this brothel if I'm not allowed to go outside thing.

This will be his characterization for the rest of the movie. He will go full Karen, the customer is always right for the rest of this killer fetus creature feature.
Yeah.

There's a scene coming up that I will point out when it dawned on me what they were doing with it with this character and the Sherman character.

And I was like, these, the audacity of these motherfuckers. Yeah.
I thought like Big Mama was going to like, you know, know, comp his next one, give him an app card for his next.

Like a manager. TGI Fridays.
Anyway, right now is when they hear another scream and it's coming from upstairs. So Tammy, who got locked upstairs from earlier, she's getting attacked up in her room.

Yes. She's being dragged under the bed.
And I wrote in my notes, man, there was like a cutoff in like 1995 where a horror movie trope was you just had to drag a lady specifically underneath a bed.

And like, we have not done it since then. But I can think of like 20 movies from before 1995 where that was a staple.
Right. Yeah.

It looked like the mutated fetus monster was inside of the mattress and like

jabbing up with the spiky talon from below. Yeah.

Oh, now that was actually confusing to me because what we are seeing is that the fetus is both dragging her under the bed and also jabbing its talon through the bed.

But if you're dragging her under the bed, you know she's not up there.

I don't know what he was stabbing for yeah just in case showing off the talon like just yeah exactly i've got a ton comes in here i could use this if i needed to and they are trying to break in yeah so the door is locked and the bouncer goes for kicking again for a while which was which is fun to watch but then concierge sherman has a gun and shoots the door open and they see that tammy's dead yeah and i guess the fetus escapes down the sinks drain there's a sink in this room down the sink's drain so it's got like a size and shape morphing power in addition to the stem cell spray gun power.

Yeah. The plumbing in this place is crazy.
Yeah.

It will be in the pipes in this movie until it's not, but for the foreseeable future, in the pipes is where we're supposed to believe the killer fetus is.

Later on, it comes out of the washing machine.

Yeah, like going by like just the logic of this movie, like I can believe that it moves through the pipes because they have also flushed a human head down the toilet.

Okay, well, now we're going to get another argument between Bouncer Axel and Concierge Sherman, kind of fighting over who's going to be in charge of dealing with their situation.

And Bouncer Sherman wants to kill this thing, and Axel is just trying to like, I don't know, take over power. He wants to do his own idea.

You would assume they would both be on the same page about like killing the monster, but they fight here. And

Bouncer, Axel, pulls out a butterfly knife. Yep.
Okay, this is when I noticed that the doors on the bedrooms upstairs also have screen doors on them. I'm dying to know.
I am dying to know why. Why?

It's a great question. That's a Schenectady thing.
I feel like that is a nowhere thing.

It's just like strange, you know, additions get made to buildings, and they're just like, yeah, fucking, I don't know, just keep the screen door. We might want it.
You never know. Like, it's fancy.

Yeah. Got two of them.

So he pulls out the butterfly knife. Axel does.
And Sherman the concierge was ready for that. And I mean, fair enough, like every twitchy white guy had a butterfly knife in 1990 and was like about to.

Yeah. I mean, anyone who talks to you like that, I would say you are safe to punch him and the so-called hospital intern because they will pull a butterfly knife on you.

In the 80s, the shorthand for like tough guy was a switchblade. Everybody had a switchblade in the 80s.
And then the 90s came around. They had to have that flippy butterfly.

Yeah.

And you could get them both from the back of the Boys' Life magazine. It's true.

You go to the leather store on the beach. That's right.

I've seen so many of my idiot friends do the butterfly knife thing and hurt themselves. So

it is a very impractical weapon. I'm right here, Heath.
I'm right here.

Right. So he punches Axel and like knocks the knife away and drags Axel into another bedroom.
And then Sherman walks downstairs.

So everybody's down there and they're discussing how they're going to break out. And they decide maybe some tools would help.
Maybe they could find a sledgehammer or something like that. Okay.

So this is a pretty classic horror movie scene. The difference between this and every other horror movie scene is that Candy is there doing a roast of the movie while this is happening, right?

So they're doing the typical, like, how are we going to get out of here? That thing's going to attack us. And Candy's just in the back the whole time being like, fuck you guys.

I hope it gets you. Also, this is the moment when I realized what they were doing.
Sherman the concierge and whoever is like his opposition, you know, it was Axel a minute ago, but he knocked him out.

I thought he killed him the way that he acted, but he just knocked him out. But in this scene, the butt stuff John shows up.
And now he's the guy who's like twitchy and nervous.

And he's like, no, I'm in charge. I know it's good.
And Sherman's like, no, I know it's good. He's doing Ben from Night of the Living Dead.
And the Buttstuff John is Harry Cooper in the basement. Oh,

what a fantastic pull. Yeah.
These movies came out exactly at the same time, pretty much. And when that hit me, me, I was like, these ballsy motherfuckers, who do they think they are? That's right.

I'm going to write a memoir and I'm going to call it the butt stuff John is having paper.

Good artists borrow, great artists steal, right? Ah, right. Yeah.
So they, they can't find a sledgehammer. They do find a toolbox.
Sherman opens it up.

And he's like, okay, all we got is like a regular sized hammer and a regular sized screwdriver. But he only looks in the top part.
It's like you put the tools in the bottom part.

You put all the like loose crap in the top part. He never opens the tool part.
That's a good point.

It would be, yeah, it's weird that he wouldn't check that there's clearly like that level scenario where you pull out the thing and there's more stuff down there. Doesn't check.

I also like when this is when the butt stuff John guy is, he's like, I got to get out of here. I have a car outside and it's fancy.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's got a BMW. It's going to get fucked up by all the, you know, fetuses running around this part of town, I guess.
Something like that. Yeah, man, BMW is 90s fancy.
Come on. Yeah.

So they decide that they're going to somehow get out of this building using just a hammer and a screwdriver.

And Sherman makes ButtStuff John do some chiseling work to try to break the door a little bit. So like use the screwdriver and hit it with the hammer.

Listen, I'm going to apologize in advance.

This drove me fucking crazy because they have him trying to break through the door with the screwdriver and the hammer and the fucking hinges are right there.

You could have just taken the door off the hinges. That would be the move.
No, no. He appears to be chipping away at the door a la carving ice.
It's very confusing. Yeah.

And it's fun though that he tries to do one of the hammer onto the chisel thing and he hurts his finger and he's like, ow,

yeah.

I'm not a laborer. Yeah, right.
And he's angry. I came here for a sex and an abortion, not to do work.
Yeah.

So this is when Sherman decides the new plan is they got to clog up all the pipes and trap the mutant fetus in the pipe work, like not let it pop out, I guess.

So then we see them stuffing things into the drain of the sink in the kitchen to clog that part.

And then as they're doing that, they hear the fetus. running around inside the walls, inside the pipes, kind of like a, like if you got a squirrel or you got rats or whatever.

Yeah, I just want to point out that when I wrote, wrote, but they can hear the fetus in the walls, I wrote in my notes, God, I love my job.

Right. So they're hearing that, and then all of a sudden, tentacle grab from under the sink.
Umbilical cord grab. Oh, yeah, right.
This is the cord for sure. Yeah.

And for some reason, now the fetus cry is a bandsaw sound when it screams, as opposed to the sort of like slightly muted elephant noise that it was in earlier scenes. Yeah.

They also do the whip noise, like the

like

so many times. And that's meant to be this tentacle, like making that noise as it whips around and tries to grab the two of the guys in here, John and Sherman, right?

Yeah, the library sound effects in this are crazy. Yeah.
And so, so they cut the umbilical cord, they free John, and then he turns to him and says, Let's not mention this to the others.

I wrote in my notes, why wouldn't you mention it?

Seems important.

they agree not to say anything weird so then they go back into the living room area and check in with big mama and phil has a plan he wants to build a battering ram and swing it down and smash through the door like that yes and i was like this is going to be awesome it's going to be like project grizzly

have you guys seen project grizzly

yeah the guy who made the suit that can get hit with anything he does a lot of that with big logs so i immediately thought of that exactly yeah we also see at this this moment that ButtStuff John is trying to flirt with two of the sex workers who are still here, Vanessa and Cheryl are their names.

And he's like, give you $100.

Go upstairs right now. And they're like, hey, man, not the time because, you know, fetus monster.

Not the best timing. Yeah.
And then he does like a, I guess I'll have to take my business elsewhere. And they're like, oh.
Okay, we're all trying to escape the house alive.

Did you not recognize that you were in a horror movie like 15 minutes ago?

And then he calls them all whores whores whores it's like frank reynolds he loves banging whores

when he yells whores at them i wrote oh someone needs to do the work to understand that anger originates from expectation

all right so they decide they're going to rig up this battering ram they get some weights and they put it in a box and they get ropes and they rig up the box they're going to swing it into the door i wanted like a montage scene of like you know like some jaunty music playing as they all work together to build this battering ram we don't really get anything, though.

They just kind of have one.

Yeah, that would have been nice. I would have enjoyed a montage to put that together.
But this is when Bouncer Axel wakes up from getting punched and he comes downstairs. He has a gun now.

He also has what Tyra Banks would call a smise.

He is smiling with his eyes. He's happy that he has a gun.
Yeah, no, he's very much. Right.
Of course, he's mad at Sherman.

So he decides, I guess, just like for spite, to help the fetus fetus monster. So he shoots the rope to ruin the battering ram for the moment.
Yeah, great job, man. We're really making progress here.

Right.

But he looks away for a second. Foolishly, Sherman grabs his arm and starts to wrestle him and gets the gun away.
As they're wrestling, Axel gets hit in the head with a bottle that appears.

Sherman does a good bottle smash. We hear Axel do a baby cry right when he gets hit with that bottle.

It's a strange noise yeah and then the fetus bursts through the wall on the on the bouncer side oh no do you know what that that cry was when he got hit with the bottle that's the wilhelm scream oh there it is did they actually use a wilhelm scream yeah yeah they use a bunch of like really well tried like like sound effects that you have heard get used in this movie a lot like that weird like baby cry that they use at the very end Okay.

Interesting. Good to know.
But yeah, this is when the fetus smashes through the wall and it's so much bigger now. It's like a human-sized fetus now.

It's dude in the full fur suit that his dad found, which is the reason that this movie got made in the first place. Yeah.

We are now full-on creature feature man in a suit. Right.
But like, again, I just want to point out the whole thing with this movie has been it's in the pipes.

And we like four minutes after establishing that, they're like, ah, fuck it. It's in the walls.
We need to kill Axel somehow.

Right. So the giant fetus actually grabs Sherman first.
Sherman has the gun at this point.

He wrestled with Axel, hit him with the bottle. He got the gun, but then he gets grabbed and pulled into the wall by the fetus monster.

Axel picks up the gun again and he just fires in every direction. Doesn't help.
Doesn't hit the fetus monster. Not that it would probably matter.
Everybody in this movie is so bad at shooting a gun.

That is correct. A gun that never runs out of bullets until it's dramatically appropriate.
Oh, I was going to say it always has like two bullets in it. Yeah,

it's a magical item of a gun for sure. It's too full with bullets or almost empty with bullets at different times.
Never makes sense. Phil, by the way, it was a weird moment.
He's very judgy.

He has opinions about gun safety. And he's like, hey, Axel, responsible gun ownership.
Don't fire everywhere. And Axel's just like, okay, I'm in charge now.
I have the gun.

I'm killing this fetus before it gets any bigger. That's...
been the plan for most of them the whole time, but that's his plan. And he's in charge.
But Candy roasts him a little bit at this moment.

Candy from the background, who's been roasting the whole time. God, I love her.
She roasts a little too hard and Axel shoots her in the head. Yes.
Okay. So here's exactly my notes in order.

Candy is like, meh, I love you, Candy. I'm rooting for Candy to make it out of this thing.
No, Candy, I was rooting for you.

She was too good for this world. Truly, like, literally, yes.
Right. We also get the plan here from Axel, and it's based on his knowledge of animals.
He says, okay, here's how it's going to go.

Like all animals, this thing has to have a place to live. We just got to find that place.

And I was like, yeah, I mean, all objects are in a location. I don't know how

especially helpful. Somewhere in the world.
Yeah, but he's going to go down into the basement, right? He has decided that it's in the boiler room.

And then he also says this, which I found very confusing. He goes, this is what I was made for.
And I wrote in my notes, killing mutated fetuses.

No, this is their, this is their predator moment. Yeah.
Maybe he meant he was going to save the sex workers in the brothel abortion clinic. That's what he was made for.
Yeah.

Very specific. Aiming real low.
Yeah. Just like, okay, mutated fetus, step aside, everybody.
This is.

This is what I'm here for.

He also mentions that, of course, a mutated fetus is going to love wetness.

And also, all animals need warmth. Therefore,

and before he can say his answer, Phil's like, boiler room. You watch Axe will be mad that Phil had the answer first.
But yeah, they're going to go down to the boiler room in the basement.

And the good knowledge of zoology might help them track down. this fetus in the wild.
We'll see how that goes. But first, let me give act three the hard sell.

Once you watch two acts, it's illegal to abandon the movie. Learn about the rest whether you like it or not.
When we return for the mandatory conclusion of The Suckling.

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What vitamins aren't in yogurt? You should probably Google it. Yeah.

Damn it, Billy. That monster's gonna kill us.
Shut up, you bitch. Don't you call her a bitch, you asshole.
Shut up, or I'll shoot you in the fucking face. Hey, guys.

The monster. Yep.
Yeah, I'm the monster. Sorry, I've just wanted to pop out here and say I'm not super comfortable right now.
Oh, big.

Because I shot you? Nope. Nope.
I'm pretty obviously bulletproof. That actually didn't matter at all.
No, it's just the language being used towards women is making me very uncomfortable. Come on.

We're being chased by a monster. That's you.
We're being chased by you, a monster. Right, right.
But I feel like that's not a reason to use language that makes people feel unsafe. Oh, dude.

Do I make you guys feel unsafe?

I mean, you have a gun.

Okay, but that's like, that's like my boundary. Nope.
Nope. You don't get to make boundaries for other people.
Not how boundaries work. Oh, so I'm the bad guy now.

Yes, you are behaving badly, and I would like you to leave.

You're not going to eat my head i'm not interested in having anything to do with you whatever fine

thank you for that honestly at least i could do i'm i'm really sorry that happened you know no i wish more people would say something all right so i'll see you guys in a bit to kill you sure thing nice guy fetus i mean nice fetus

And we're back. When we left off, they decided to hunt that fetus monster.
So now Axel, Vanessa, Phil, and John are heading downstairs to the boiler room.

Yeah, he makes Vanessa turn on the lights, and she appears to need to do it by screwing in the bulb. Right.
Yeah. And again, this movie is lit entirely with practical lighting.

Like, they did not have a light kit. This movie is so fucking dark, particularly when they go to the basement.
Yeah, I think...

If I'm remembering correctly, in my childhood basement, there was a thing where my dad had it set up as like, listen, you just, you got to screw it in to start

to get that light going down here. Was it that they thought it would make the bulb last longer? I'm sure that's what my dad was thinking, but

it doesn't really make sense as I'm thinking about it now. But you got to work for it.

This is the magic of electricity, and you're not even willing to work a little bit for it.

Exactly. And they keep, again, to what Brian was saying, they keep wandering in and out of the practical lighting of this movie.

So they wander and she turns on the lights, but then they go a little farther forward. And so we can't see what happens to the movie until they get to the next light bulb.

Yeah, and then they get to the next light bulb, but the whole fucking scene is out of focus.

This is completely unimportant shit, but God drove me nuts. Yeah.
So they make their way through the basement. They find some discarded tissue.

Phil is very sure it's discarded tissue because he saw it, quote, in biology class.

It's a weird biolab. I don't know.

Like, even just, you were looking at umbilical cords in a biolab and discarded umbilical cords apparently yeah i guess but we also get axel doing another smell test thing another tracker

smell test tracker thing he yeah he grabs the tentacle thing and then he smells his hand yeah and he's like it's close yeah it's another predator moment right

he's like if it bleeds we can kill it It's called intersectionality. He contains multitudes.

Right.

But right after he's like, okay, it's close. I can smell it.
We hear hear a weird noise. Maybe it was a cat meowing in the basement.

And Axel goes crazy and just shoots his gun in every direction again. Again, nobody knows how to shoot a gun.
I mean, it's everywhere.

They're all over the place except shooting at the thing they're trying to hit. Yeah.
It was funny, though, because the way they show it, there's a line of like.

carnival glass bottles in every direction that he shoots in this basement. So we just see bottles breaking and like ricochet noises.
But then the fetus monster attacks again.

And I think Vanessa is right next to the monster and gets mauled. Yeah, because Vanessa was the first, she was like the front line.
She's the,

she goes first. Yeah.

Yeah. By the way, it kind of ruined the fetus monster to be so big.
It was like not fetus-like anymore, you know? Yeah, now you just got a regular old monster. Yeah.

All monsters were a fetus at one point. Right.

It's just a weird combination of like shredder and krang now. I feel like the writer clearly had a nightmare about shredder and krang.
And like, it's like a naked, you know.

Well, they had some kind of dream about shredder and krang. I'm not, I'm not willing to venture that it was a nightmare.

I also think it's like that thing where you watch a movie from like the 70s or the 80s, you watch it now in 4K and you're like, oh, they shouldn't have done this in 4K. I can see everything.

When your fetus monster gets this big. You can just see it all.
All the wrinkles show up. Yeah, to play.
Yeah, you can see a lot of puppet stuff

for sure. Yeah.

So they're out of bullets now. They all go upstairs to reload.
Axel apparently has more guns in his locker up there, but he's not given any out because he likes being the one guy in power.

He decides now that ButtStuff John is going to be the bait. And that's how they're going to catch this thing.
Yeah.

And again, I like, we are having fun with this because it's so not fun while you're watching the movie.

But like 90% of the tension and language of this movie is infighting among the characters, not the fear of getting attacked by the fetus, right?

At any point, I felt like the feet we were just going to watch the fetus like wandering away from the house, calling CPS so they could work things out amongst themselves.

Yeah, Candy's sassy attitude. Yeah, at a certain point, I became 100% Team Fetus.
Right?

You're just so rooting for Team Fetus to swoop in and save them from Axel. Yeah, so here's the plan.

Axel's going to put ButtStuff John in a dog catcher grabby thing you know like at the end of the poll yeah it's puppy play it yeah exactly oh that's why they would have that okay yeah that does make sense actually but he also has a like puts a rag in his mouth like he's gonna he's trying to like muffle him or you know like uh gag him with it but he's just sort of holding it in his mouth it's really he's got his fingers in his mouth Yeah, it's real.

It's a weird moment. Prop, this was all meant to be menacing, but this is definitely giving this guy a boner.
Yeah.

it might be it might be so they put him they put him on the dog catcher thingy and they all walk into the basement and that's not really how bait works because now you're all just going down there together but also why do they have this animal control thing in the brothel abortion clinic like i just learned today that that's a puppy play thing is that right

i've heard that somewhere yeah Okay,

so there you go. That's that's why they had that.
Listen, listen, trust my instincts on this one.

I don't want to. So

they get down to the basement and then they hear kind of a weird noise. John just bolts away on the dog catcher thing.
It's connected to him still. He just runs in one direction.

And then we see that the fetus is getting zapped by the power box in one of the basement rooms. Or is he?

Good question.

So Axel walks into this room and sees that the fetus monster is getting zapped.

And Axel drops his gun and just picks up a metal rod that was on the ground so he can go for the big running stab for the win. Of the fetus.
Yeah.

Is that the impression we were supposed to get from the fetus jiggling around? Because I thought that he was just like having fun over there. Just dancing.

Just like just psyching himself up to the last time I freaked out. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't help that its gaping maw looks like it's smiling the whole time.
Yeah.

Mutated fetus might like refuel kind of like a Tesla. Maybe it might be like that kind of scenario.

I also found it very distracting that its mouth shape was exactly like crow from Mystery Science Theater. So it looked like someone had made a threat, a flesh crow from MSTK 3000.

But yeah, he goes running at the fetus monster, but then at the last second, it ducks and he hits the power box instead and explodes, which means that the now giant mutant fetus, which has covered the doors and the walls of this building with fetal tissue, was like, all right, I know I'm a fetus and I could just jump out and tear people up, but I want to do a fun trap for this last one.

Also, guys, does electrocution make you explode? It does. Yeah, that's true.
That's true. Apparently it does.
It's scientifically true. Very accurately scientifically.
I don't know.

Dave's the one who's in here fucking fucking up my whole cranberry juice thing. I don't know.
Scientists, Bill Nye to science, Dave. What are you saying?

Actually,

I don't want to get all Neil deGrasse Tyson on you, but I guess, yeah,

enough electricity will probably make you explode. Dave, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.
You are our Neil deGrasse Tyson in all ways.

I'm like the, I'm the candy slash Neil deGrasse Tyson of the group, really. Dave, if someone sends you fan art of view of Neil deGrasse Tyson, I need you not to like it in your future career, okay?

Not a single heart.

All right.

Well, I guess that was indeed a trap by the fetus monster, who could have done any number of other killing things, but went for the, you know, loosey pulling away football move to get him electrocuted.

So that was fun. Back upstairs, the girl named Girl is having a nightmare on the couch in their living room area.
And we're getting flashbacks to the movie that we just watched.

Okay, I had literally forgotten that she was in the movie. Like when we went up here, I was like, oh, fuck.
Yeah, she was part of the movie too. Oh, you are not alone on that.

I was like, oh, that's right. She's in this movie.
Yeah. She is.
And also,

it's a montage. In case you happened, what happened like five minutes ago? Yeah, they know that some people have drifted away from the screen, I'm sure.
Right.

And by the way, her nightmare included butt stuffed John being bad at chiseling and hurting his finger.

I thought that was like a funny moment in the middle of her nightmare of otherwise really scary stuff that happened. Yeah.
So that was cool.

Well, they decide that they're going to do the battering ram again. Because, yeah, I mean, like, they never actually tried it last time.
They got in a fight with Axel and the rope got broken.

They forgot to like do the battering ram. So they rig it up again on the ropes.
Yeah, I wrote in my notes, just trying other scenes from the movie again. Right.
Oh, they're killing me.

They're killing me, you guys. The hinges are right there.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And you got a screwdriver, but no, they go for the battering ram again.
Big swing and nothing.

Doesn't break at all. And this is when Buttstuff John kind of cackles with like insane.
defeated laughter. And I thought it was a little too early for that.
Yeah.

Can I just say that I'm so glad that But Stuff John has stuck? Yeah. No, I'm glad that the nickname stayed with him throughout the movies.
Yeah.

Is this the scene where he tries to make, so how'd you guys become Hooker Small Talk? Yes. Yes, it is.
Yes. So he does like ah, we're never going to make it out of here.
And then there's a pause.

And I real, I really need you to understand this podcast listener. He goes, we'll never make it out of here.
Typical horror movie stuff. And then he's like,

so sex work.

How is it?

How'd you get into that sector? Yep. And to be fair, everybody's like, hey, man, not the time.
And he's like, right, not the time, not the time. Got it.
Got it. Right.

And then this is when they hear some loud breathing behind the door. They think maybe it's the monster.
So they're like, shoot it, shoot it. And Cheryl happens to have the gun at this moment.

She fires through the door. Turns out it wasn't the monster.
It was Vanessa. Vanessa opens the door.

She's all bloody from getting mauled earlier and now also has gunshot wounds and she falls down dead. Oh, I did not recognize who she was.
Yes, you beat me exactly in the punch.

I was going to say, if you, if you're thinking to yourself, who is Vanessa? So was I while I was watching the fucking movie. She is one of the 17 forgettable sex workers.

This movie has trotted out for a single scene to be killed. Yeah, she just falls down dead here.
Yeah, she comes out, and I was like, now, who the fuck is that?

Yeah, exactly. Now, I knew who she was because I respect women.
There we go.

Like Neil deGrasse, Tyson. Yes, yes.
Dave always passes the Bechtel test on our show, even if he has to do it himself with the narrative. Right.

So then we get Cheryl having a flashback also to like 30 seconds ago. So we see like that all happening again real quick.
And she also, she goes, she goes and prays here. Christian movies.

Indeed. Belongs on our program.
Right. So then Phil tries the battering ram again, and it finally works a little bit and it breaks a piece of the door open.

Oh, yeah, and they see the fetal tissue out there, and they're like, All right, we got to like, I don't know, scoop through some of that, and we can get out of here.

Oh, okay, so let's talk about this fetal tissue. So, this is where butt stuff John he insists that he's gonna get out first, right? And so, we're gonna see the fetal tissue maze.

And when I say, everyone bring in any pink clothing you have, it is an overestimation of the set dressing of this fetal tissues sequence. We're about to get.

Well, before they go into the fetal tissue tunnel, I guess, he doesn't want to do anything because he's like, the cops will be here soon. They can't be that incompetent.

And I was like, first of all, they can be and they are. But second, why would the cops come? Nobody called them.

Okay. Now, counterpoint.
Well, they might be able to see the house covered in strawberry ants. That's exactly what I was thinking.
Like, that's going to catch the eye.

Maybe not in, you know, Schenectady. That might just be like, oh, it's one of those.
They have other things to worry about. It's like fire ants, right?

Every house gets fire ants once or twice, and every house gets fetal tissue once or twice in Schenectady.

But yeah, he wanders around inside the blankets and cloth lit by the single red light bulb they had for this movie.

You got to put the big tent over the house and like fumigate it for the fetal tissue. It's like, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, the inside, it's all like yarn and macrame.

Yes, exactly. And he catches his button on some of the yarn and gets attacked by the fetus.
Right. Yeah, he gets attacked.

And then I think Buttstuff John's one hand gets spit back into the house from the fetal blanket fort spiderweb thing, right? And he's alive for a little bit. Yeah, it's a, it's a living thing.

Yeah, we get to stop motion still. What do you call it?

Stop motion. Stop motion, yes.
What happened is, so they do a bunch of stop motion for like the fetal tissue and the umbilical cord earlier in the movie.

And you can tell whoever was in charge of doing that like really enjoyed themselves. And they were like, what if the hand was still alive a little bit when it comes back in the room?

And they They were like, You want to do another stop-motion sequence? And he's like, I really do. If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd love to do another one.

Just leave, you guys go get lunch. I'll, when you come back, I will have done a stop-motion sequence with this fake rubber hand.
Yeah, so the

hand kind of flops around in stop motion for a second. And Cheryl is just completely sad now.
She's like, Oh my god, it was a trap. We don't have a chance.

And she shoots herself in despair with a gun that was empty like a minute ago. Yeah, I don't understand why they showed us that.
Whatever.

So now Big Mama, Phil, and girl are sitting in their living room area in very awkward silence because it's just three of them left after that suicide happened.

And this is where I felt like the filmmakers were starting to get bored with their own movie. Yeah.
I feel like the girl just had a heart out. She was like, guys, I have to be done by Thursday.

And they were like, fine, shoot yourself in the head, I guess. Also, I just have to point this out.
There's no way that they properly cushioned that squib on the side of that actress's head.

I am genuinely worried for her safety that they fired that just right next to her head. Oh, every time there's a squib, like there's like a huge spark.
Yes, exactly. Yeah, that was a strange choice.

So this is where Big Mama decides she wants to go see Axel before she dies because they're all like, all right, well, I guess we're all dying here.

And we learn, I learned anyway, that Axel is Big Mama's son. That's why he works here.
It's a family business. Oh, no, no.
She's like a spiritual son because his mother died so young.

God, pay attention. Oh, this is.

Okay. Big Mama is the godmother of Axe.
There you go. Yeah.
Hired

to be the bouncer. Also, lady, that kid kind of exploded all over the place.
So just be ready.

Yeah.

Right. Well, she decides she's going to walk down to the basement.
She's got a lantern. And she gets to the laundry room.
The door in front of her is locked all of a sudden.

So she can't get to the next room where the fuse box is, I guess. And then Fetus Monster pops out of the washing machine.
Like Talon first pops up through the, through the, the lid.

And I got to say, this was an interesting kill because she just kind of stands there continuing to jiggle the knob the entire time the fetus is attacking her.

Yeah, I wrote my notes at this point. See, personally, I've tried something other than the knob.
Yes, exactly. Thank you.
She is married to this approach.

She gave up. She's given up.
She's got nothing left. Exactly.

Her sweet axle was blown to pieces. I mean,

what is left to live for?

Yeah. So she gets taken out there.
Upstairs, Phil and girl hear the scream from Big Mama as she's dying. And Phil's like, okay, new plan.
I'm going to let it get me.

And then I'm going to shoot it because I'll be really close to it. Feels like you would try shooting it from far away and then use the shooting it while you're close to it as sort of a backup.

That would be a good backup plan. Yeah.
This is like an eight by eight room. Like this guy can't miss.
Yeah.

And I feel like she tries to maybe suggest that or something else, but he is just like, God damn it. How dare you speak to me right now?

Yeah. So the real monster in this movie is interpersonal conflict.
Damn it.

Yeah. So Phil's like, all right, come and get me.
And of course, the fetus does pop out and comes and gets it.

You see, the big, big, the big eyes on the fetus doll take away from the gravity toss, too. It looks like, kind of like pug eyes, like it's cute.
You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

And Phil gets taken. He gets talons stabbed before he can even get a shot off.
And now, Fetus Monster. And now what happens? Hey,

okay. And now describe what happens to our podcast listening audience.
Okay. So Fetus Monster, it appears, is going to come after girl now, but that's mom, right?

And so I was like, okay, I'm rooting for a hug or something like that. Yes, I literally wrote in my notes, I want the fetus to sit her down and give her a talking to about condom use.
Oh, no.

As soon as this thing lined up with her, I was like, oh, no, I know exactly what is going to happen. And it happened.
And I was like, I have been watching way too many of these fucking movies.

I had totally forgot that this was her baby. And so when this happened, I was like, oh, yeah,

it's her baby. Yeah.
So this fetus monster gets into a three-point stance like a defensive lineman and runs at girl.

And also as the running is happening is morphing back into like a regular tiny fetus and

a reverse abortion happens. Yes, the fetus.
Now, I want to be clear. It is not explicit in any way, shape, or form.
The fetus runs up inside her a la Wiley coyote through the train tunnel.

It's so gross. It is,

It is as gross as the title of this movie. This movie has been treading water for so fucking long.
It is like right now, it is putting the pedal on, like just putting the gas on.

It's going to go fucking full throttle gross all the way up to the end. Okay.
If Phil managed to like still be alive and like draw a big uterus on the side of a mountain and get it to fake out the

jumping in thing,

that would have been fun. No, that's not what happens.
We get that reverse abortion moment, and then we cut to the cops arriving. Yeah, I guess I was wrong.

No, we figured out it's the one crime they managed to solve. That's true.

Well, not really. They're like, hey, are you okay, miss? Like, does she look okay? There are 12 bodies in this house.
No, no, no. He says, don't worry, you're okay.
And I was like, is she?

Because she doesn't look too good. Yeah, that's why in my notes, I wrote, well, I guess I was only partially wrong about the cops.

Yeah. They get in in there and they tell her she's okay so apparently she's okay

and then we're out of the flashback finally and we're back at the hospital from the beginning and the two doctors are discussing the story of what just happened yeah and they turn to each other and they're like well obviously i don't believe that story and he's like right because it has a mutant fetus that grows to full size because of toxic waste and jumps out of a washing machine.

He's like, right, no, of course. Have you given her a lie detector test? They gave her three lie detector tests.
Yeah, that's why I wrote in my notes.

I guess at the end of the day, she's still a lady and it's still 1990.

Yeah.

Yeah. Her name is girl, literally.

So then the two doctors, they walk up to some staffer in this place sitting at a desk and he's smoking a cigarette and looking at porn, like a magazine.

Classic. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. The only, the only trope this movie's missing is like a coroner or a medical examiner eating a sandwich over a dead body.

Right.

So this guy's like, Yeah, you can go see your patient down the hall and to the left or something like that.

And then we cut two girls in a straitjacket, and she's being held in a cell at an institution. Yep.
Yeah. Is it a wig? She's in the loony bin.
Now, here's the thing that I do have to point out.

She is very clearly in one of the dance studios at Ripley Greer in the middle of Manhattan, which I know is almost as nice a joke as earlier when we had to talk about upstate New York like foods,

but it it's just so obviously one of the dance studios in Ripley Greer in the center of Manhattan that I was like, okay, well, I'm it.

I'm used to people walking around jabbering to themselves, crying and screaming in Ripley Greer, the dance studios in the middle of Manhattan, where most of Broadway holds its audition.

So this might not be an insane asylum. I love that your big name-drop brag moment is a Ripley Greer dance studio reference.

You know, Dave, when you reach the heights of theater that I reached, namely auditioning for something once, you

never forget the shine in the limelight. Yeah, listen, listen.
He was in my bloody Valentine. So

prom night.

Thank you.

Got squished by a sign.

Okay, so now they're going to, we're almost done with the movie. I don't know why they do this, but two staff guys go into the cell here.
They grab.

girl in the straitjacket take her out and then we get a rape scene which is terrifying i don't care for this at all. It was just like they had to.

Yes, it genuinely felt like they were like, hey, guys, our movie is gross and problematic in a lot of ways, but you notice we didn't rape nobody? We gotta rape somebody.

But again, as they're trying to assault her, claw attack, the guy gets attacked by the umbilical cord and freeze frame.

Right. So, okay, you know, like the tentacle attack, it killed the rapists.
So that's good. You didn't have have to like introduce it but something

something and then the movie's not quite over for some reason it seemed like it was going to be and then we get okay do you have do you have theories i would offer a bounty into what the this is you guys have any idea yes okay in my head it's just random clips of new characters if anybody has theories no no no i'd love to hear it here we go so this is butt stuff john What who has been pulled out of the stuff?

Because we get these two these two characters who are sort of like walk up to

the combination brothel and abortion clinic.

And it's him because what ends up happening is, you know, we see the melting face and then the, you know, he pulls all the skin and shit and he falls down dead.

He's got that big, gaudy fucking tie that the bust stuff John was wearing. Oh, so he's supposed to have made it out of the fetus covered house.
And then when the people who walk up see him, he...

melts. Yeah.
Okay, but who are the other two people?

And there's a 10-year-old kid with a shirt that says, says fuck die on it. That does fuck fuck die.
That shirt reels.

Also confused me, though. I was like, is this a gag reel? But you're saying that.

Yeah, like maybe they're just the neighbors. Okay.
It's possible. I think that they just shot some of this before and we're like, no, we're using it.
Yes, exactly.

That was my theory: is that they were like, God damn it.

You think they were setting up a sequel with like another fetus monster? This was like the son of Buttstuff John turned into a drum. Oh my gosh, that's the sequel of my memoir.

Son of ButtStuff John. Son of Buttstuff John.

All right. Well, that's the end of the movie.
Go fuck yourself. I don't know.
They do that for like a minute or two. Very confusing.
We got some good theories in there. So maybe a sequel.
All right.

When we continue the franchise beyond just the sequel, but when we continue it with like a nemesis, you know, like an alien versus predator scenario, who's the other monster? Big mama.

Killer coat hanger. Son of butt stuff John.
Okay. There you go.
Obviously. All right.

Well, I think that's going to do it for the suckling, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week. So, Eli, what's on deck?

There's a war on our children right now. Far-left activists will stop at nothing to indoctrinate them, sexualize them, guilt them, and punish them until they submit to their woke religion.

For too long, the dots haven't been connected to expose their battle battle plan. This film exposes everything.
We'll be ending our spooktacular with the scaretacular film that is

the war

on children. God, I think that's that sounds amazing.
Oh, it's great.

Marsh, who is joining us for that episode, hopefully, wrote me about one minute in and was like, this is going to take seven hours to review.

Oh, this is like, this is like anti-woke insanity on show. Like, like, this is like info wars on children oh folks it's a war on children they're trying to cut you

trying to make the drugs down

fellow looks like me these fine german features i still owe like 10 billion dollars to somebody it's the small country yeah the globalists are trying to cut your son's penises off

all right well with that to look forward to we're going to bring episode 529 to a merciful close huge thanks to dave and brian for joining us and in case anyone missed you guys last time where can everyone go go to hear more from you?

Well, you can find us on anywhere you get podcasts. Look us up, Bring Me the Axe.
We've also got 99 Cent Rental. It's like a separate thing.
That's also in the main feed.

It's basically the same show, but like for, you know, stuff that does not fall into the horror milieu. You know, we've got a we've got a Patreon as well where we do an extra show.

We do like a monthly sort of modern movie since a lot of our stuff tends to fall into the past.

And then we've got another Patreon show where we, it's just an X-Files rewatch called Do You Think I'm Spooky? So yeah, you can find us.

Oh, nice. And we got podcasts and patreon.com slash bring me the X-Pod.
X-Files Rewatch sounds fun, too. Excellent.
A lot of options.

And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful.

And that'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, The Skeptic, and Dnd D Minus, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Dave, Brian, and Eli, I'm Heath, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Close.

As her life flashed before her eyes in the moment of death, Big Mama realized this all could have been avoided if she had just hired from an employment agency.

The clinic started doing merch on Zazzle. Bobbleheads with the bungee cords were very popular.

Because of the radical left government in charge of New York's mental health system, the suckling racked up dozens more in-dead sexual assault orderlies.

Fetus went on to have a successful TikTok career by making vlogs about his unhealthy no-contact relationship with his mother.

All right. And green light ad.
Bleep bleep is second only to put it on the gram

in the things that I want as my

ringtones from Heath.

Is one of you gently inserting your microphone inside your body right now?

Because I'd like to compliment you on how quietly you were doing it if you were stuffing your microphone up your ass

whoever thought they were being sneaky just now nope

wasn't me nope

can't say it was me either he

i was trying to sneak out of the old sketch i was in apparently no i don't know what that was all right

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