Why Team Sports Are Non-Negotiable for Building Resilient Kids

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins.

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Sports, play, working out are the three things that we have to find a way to get our kids involved in.

So you did listen to my TED talks.

Is that what I'm saying?

I'd be over those.

I say that.

I say that fitness, huge.

Team sports,

huge.

Anyone who's not putting their kids in team sports

between the ages of, let's say, three to 10 is doing a major disservice to your kid because that's where you learn all these team music.

If you are going to allow them to use the phone and iPads and tools like that, you have to at least counterbalance.

You have to.

Otherwise, you are almost for sure signing them up to have social anxiety, depression, and all those things.

If

you allow that and you don't put them in those, because there's hope if they at least get a team sport.

Because they're going to learn.

What I love about sports is you're going to fail.

Someone's going to be better than you.

You're going to have to communicate.

I think you just said the key thing, though.

Somebody is going to be better than you.

This is what we have not spoken about yet, guys, which is in life, there are winners, there are losers, there are people who are average, there are people who are better than average.

And guess what?

You may not have great talent, but if you work your ass off, you can move yourself from a three to a seven.

Yeah.

Right?

That's where you learn these things, right?

If you don't have, instead of, and this is where parents really are screwing up their kids because they want to tell their kids, oh, you're amazing.

You're the best.

You're the best.

Worst thing you can do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

By telling your kid how great they are, worst thing you can do.

No, praise their work.

Praise their work and their effort.

Don't praise, don't tell them how great they are.

You know why that's a problem?

The reason why that's an issue is if you, this happened to me as a kid.

If you constantly tell a kid, you're so smart, you're so smart, or you're so pretty, or you're so great, you're so great.

The second they encounter a challenge that counters that, they'll crumble.

They'll flee.

Yeah.

This happened to me as a kid.

I was always told how smart I was.

You're so smart.

You're so smart.

You're so smart.

And then I got to.

Oh, I did that to you too.

all the time.

That's okay as an adult.

You can say it all you want.

Figure this out.

But then when I encountered actual challenges, where I'm like, oh, I'm struggling, not going to even try.

Because I don't want to destroy the image of how smart I was versus, wow, I could see you really worked hard at that.

Yes.

I could see you enjoy that.

Or see, or see, look, I say that to my daughter all the time.

I'm like, look, look,

you put so much effort into that.

You worked so hard on that.

And now look at the results of this versus like, you know, basically praising that effort versus just like, oh, you're so wonderful.

Anything you do is great.

Or that the coach doesn't like you.

Screw him.

Let's go to another team.

Because that's what's happening.

Parents are pulling their kids off of teams of sports because their kids are not getting enough playtime.

The coaches are benching them,

which is happening all the time.

And so basically, the parents are moving them to different teams.

And where the coaches now are like, it becomes this whole thing where coaches are so scared and fearful of losing these players, losing the money, where now like everybody's going to have equal amount of time to play, equal amount of time.

Are you familiar with how NIL is doing that to college sports right now?

No.

Right now,

there's this huge problem in college sports with the introduction of NIL, which is basically kids that can get paid now for sports.

Oh, yeah.

And because they have these options, you have scenarios where a college football team or a college basketball team goes and shops all the other schools that are willing to to set them up with better NIEL deals, and then the whole team leaves at once.

So literally the coach comes in the next season and all of his players are looking to move out somewhere else because they've been able to shop other players.

The grass is greener on the other side.

Someone else is willing to pay them.

Someone else is willing to.

And so we haven't even figured out how we're going to solve this.

You know what I'm saying, dude, when I was asking,

dude, I had never heard of kids transferring just to get to another school because they thought they had a better opportunity.

Sorry, you live here, you go to this school.

And it was like this loyalty.

There's no loyalty anymore.

And the coaches are having to face it.

No, it's terrible.

Well, here's what you so.

This is the thing about sports that I think a lot of people don't realize because we're listing all the attributes, but really, the reason why sports exists in the first place, the reason why games exist in the first place, is what games are, is games are life, but boiled down to an hour or an hour and a half with specific rules.

Right.

So we could play the game of life in this

sport or this game.

It's a microcosm.

That's all it is.

That's That's all it is.

And so you're practicing life is what you're doing.

And what we've done, two things that we've done with sports that have, in my opinion, ruined it.

One is

everybody wins, nobody loses, which is stupid.

By keeping scores.

Because there is, because they're not learning life in that sense, because

life hits you all the time.

Okay.

The other thing is we've, on the other extreme is we've boiled sports into money.

You make money.

That's what's good about this.

So now these kids who are getting paid aren't learning life.

They're just learning it's about money, which is, which is equally terrible.

So when you put your kids in sports, what you need to think about is

my child is practicing the game of life for the next 45 minutes.

That's all they're doing.

And so if they sit on the bench, what is that show about life?

Sometimes they can't participate.

Sometimes they can't participate, but they need to support because that's how life is.

Or when they're playing and they're winning, there's lessons there too.

Hey, you did a good job.

Oh, your pride is building up.

Let's talk about that for a second.

You're not a badass like you think you are.

Make sure you support your other teammates.

Or they get their asses kicked and they lose great lessons and losing because that's what life's going to show you.

They learn how to work with other people.

They need to learn how to work with difficult people.

That's it.

It's all of us.

It's all conflict resolution.

It's conflict resolution is a big one.

And also, it shows you who are naturally born leaders and where you have to, where you, where you are in the slot of life.

I think it's a very teachable moment, right?

Like, I think that you can learn a lot about your own dynamic, what makes kids likable versus not likable,

how you treat others, how you'll be then treated, or whatever these things are.

Like, these are fundamental qualities that are just being completely decimated.

I love that you said that, that, about leadership, because what's what's great about that, and so you got to think about, as a parent, again, think about life, okay, for a second.

I think when we think of sports, we think the automatic leader is the best player on the team.

There are many teams where the worst player is the leader of the team because they're the one that pull the team forward.

They're the ones like that, what's that movie, Rudy?

Where you got that kid on the team that sucks, but everybody rallies around them because of their spirit, because they bring everybody together.

So it's not about your kid being the best or the worst or in the middle.

It's like, it's so much more complicated.

The problem with it is it seems simple.

And so we relegated it to, oh, it's just you score a goal or you don't.

Maybe we shouldn't have them lose because the kids cry when they lose and we don't want that type of deal.

No, no, no.

It is way more complex.

And as long as society has existed, games have existed.

And the reason why they've existed is because they're extremely, extremely valuable.

So putting your kids in them is incredibly important.

And then back to like challenging with your kids.

We've talked about this, right?

Our kids are growing up very privileged from a worldly sense, right?

My kids have way more money than I did as a kid.

They live in a nicer house.

It's like, you know, they don't have to worry about a lot of things that I did.

So how am I going to help them become resilient?

You know what I'm going to do?

Because they're still going to have challenges.

They're going to get frustrated when they try to build something.

It doesn't work.

They're gonna get upset when something happens they don't want.

They're gonna go play with the kid that's gonna they don't like or whatever.

I don't jump in.

Let them feel it.

Let them feel it.

I create this kind of Lord of the Flies type of like scenario, right?

That's an old farmer.

Where I see yellow jackets here.

I feel like the survive, what we should do with our kids.

It's the truth, though.

We should create a Lord of the Flies scenario with our kids and the survival of the fittest, right?

Like, I don't jump in.

Like, I want my kid to, I want to see how they fend for themselves without me getting involved.

That's socially.

That's with a lot of stuff.

Like, there's been a ton of situations recently with, with my daughter, right?

Because girls can be horrid.

Okay.

Girls are worse than boys.

Like, and it starts young, right?

With like social and all these other emotional, social.

You guys are socially, you guys are born more socially intelligent.

That's why.

You understand social complexity.

So girls do the whole like

well, girls are catty at any age.

Well, they build their alliances.

They build their alliances like Lord of the Flies.

I'm telling you, it's very much like Lord of the Flies.

And it's so easy for,

especially because, like, you don't want to see your kid hurting.

It's like horrible, right?

To not jump in, right?

But like, the second you jump in, you're the, you're, you're taking that game and you're like, the game is over, right?

You need to see how your kid can actually fend for themselves in that environment.

With girls, especially,

it's a doggy dog world out there for these girls.

Let's see how you survive or how you fend for yourself.

So, I like to just sit back and watch.

Now, as much as it kills me, because I want to tear the head off of some of these 10-year-old girls, I swear I would if I wasn't going to be put in jail.

But at the same time, like that's how they build grit.

Like, that's how they build toughness.

That's how you really build toughness when you really step away as a parent and say, you know what, you're doing this on your own.

You're going to take care of that fight by yourself.

You're going to go.

If you want to go on that dance group, if you want to be on that soccer team, you know, like you got to practice or you're going to be booted out.

Like put them in places where it's hard.

Make them do shit that they don't want to do.

Put them on teams they don't want to be on and see how they fend for themselves.

But that social integration piece to what you're describing, if there's conflict amongst the peers and the groups, they have to learn how to interact with each other and resolve it themselves.

Oh, and if they stay in the way of that.

And they will if you stay out of the way.

Absolutely will.

And this is what I've learned from my observation

and meeting a bazillion people I know.

And I'm sure you guys too have

maybe found the same thing.

The people that had the most challenges as kids were the best.

adults.

They were the coolest.

They were the most resourceful.

They were the strongest.

They were the most like able, like willing and abled per people who had true success in life.

You know,

you're right.

The root of this, you got to see, this is important though.

The root of this is a child has to feel secure with their parent.

And that's because they have a home base that they feel secure with.

They could take these risks.

Unless they just boot them out and be like, bye, you're not coming back.

No, but people are like, what's that security look like?

The security looks like this.

I have a consistent parent there who's consistent with me.

They're not sometimes going to scream at me when I do something.

They're just very consistent.

They're fair and honest.

They're fair, they're honest.

They're there for me emotionally.

So I'm going to go to them and be like, oh, you know, the soccer team won't let me play.

And mom's like, that sucks.

You know, I'm here for you.

But mom's not going to go talk to the coach.

They're not going to fix it for you.

But I'm here to provide you with that security so they feel secure with that with that home base.

That's a true.

That's a very good point.

That is.

Now, I'm going to tell, it's going to be controversial, and I'm sure people are going to get mad at this.

This is a fact, though.

I'll argue this all day long.

The root of what's happened with what you're labeling as woke culture or what you're labeling as like this gentle parenting or letting your kids do whatever, the root of this, because a lot of what you're talking about, play, risk, challenge, figure this out, kiddo, is dad.

And dad has been gone.

So if you look at the data on what has happened culturally,

there are a lot of fatherless homes that have existed, a lot of moms, and moms have tons of value.

But what moms don't do nearly as well as dads, and the data's a fact on this, okay?

Rough and tumble play and pushing your kids a little bit to take risks, right?

Mom's the one that says, Don't throw them so high in the air, that's scary.

Like, oh, wait, don't let them do that thing.

And dad's the one that's like, No, no, no, we'll push him a little bit, let's let him go do this thing a little bit.

Let's, and so, dads have been gone, moms have been going to the games, and it's moms that are saying everybody needs to get a trophy.

It's not fair that my kid is crying, it's not fear that my kid isn't playing.

And I'm not blaming moms, moms are doing the best that they can.

Dad's gone, so dad needs to be involved, and it's the dads that provide what you're talking about that's lacking.

So a lot of this is the non-involvement of fathers.

When dads are involved, you see a lot of this.

That's an interesting thing.

That's very interesting.

Yeah, because if you take like, and again, this is anecdotal because my own experience, right?

I think right away, my two best friends, I go all the way back to their childhood, they would tell you that their dad couldn't do anything.

And they both come from homes.

Parents are married, stay together forever.

Mom ran everything.

Yeah.

You know, mom ran everything.

Dad was not, dad didn't do, dad worked.

Dad worked all day long, did his thing.

And I mean, they didn't turn out weak.

They both are strong men and successful and figured it out without dad being involved.

So I don't know if you can pinpoint it to that, just that, because mom can do that.

Mom could potentially.

So here's what the data shows.

Dad just being there is a million times better than dad not even being there.

No, I don't.

But what's better than that is a dad that's involved, who's consistent.

who provides those things.

Like rough and tumble play is a big deal, right?

So playing rough with your kids, which dads dads seem to do i mean so here's i guess i guess the point that i'm trying to argue because i'm what you're going to hear from me and it's just because i have such a strong stance on the iphone

uh been screaming it on this podcast for fucking 10 years almost now uh i just think that That takes away so much

that all these things that you're saying isn't, you're not wrong.

You're right.

Because these trends were happening before the host.

Yes,

I think you're totally right.

So it requires it because otherwise, if, because let's say you don't have a dad, data, I mean, obviously, I didn't have the most consistent parenting stuff going on in my house and figured all this stuff out.

But I played and I interacted with kids and I did sport.

And so because I did all that, it filled all those gaps.

Yeah.

And without that,

I feel like

have you seen children without fathers who play organized sports and what the coach does for them?

Yes.

Okay.

First of all, this is what's interesting about both of this.

You're both right.

So if we didn't have smartphones and there's so much data on this, we would be left with hours and and hours a day to be bored.

We would have to figure shit out.

We would have to be like, okay,

where's Bobby?

Maybe we can go for a bike ride.

Where's Lucy?

Maybe we can like climb that tree or do this painting because we are, because now

every

time, every minute, even if we're in an elevator for 27 seconds, we're scrolling our phone because God forbid we have a moment.

But if we took away the phone or the smartphones and the iPads, that will leave us with all

this time to basically distract ourselves in a good way with actual socialization, dating,

doing real things in life.

The other thing that you said, Sal, about the lack of fathers is a 1 million percent.

If you look at data on that as well, because the dads provide a role that a mother just simply cannot.

My question to you is, where did all the dads go now beyond where they were before?

Is it because they're working constantly?

Are they working more?

Are they just like still a huge fatherless problem?

Why?

That's true, but why?

Well, that's a deeper question.

I mean, I think marriage has been devalued.

I think that they've lost their sense of community, which you need as a married couple that was the church for a long time, and then that wasn't.

You think it's more today than it was 20 years ago?

It's about it's maybe a little better, but it's still bad.

I mean,

so that's where my argument.

That's why it's like, I don't think it's any different.

I really think that

I think it's the same too.

I just think that your point, though, that you're making that I agree with is that because of the introduction of that, robbing those kids of so much of that, his role becomes paramount.

It's like

your mom, that's not what she gives.

That's not her thing.

God bless the single moms that have to try and figure both out, but that's not what her strength is.

That's dad's strength.

And then if he's not going to be playing with friends, playing sports, and that you've got to step the fuck up, or it's almost guaranteed he's going to go that route.

I just think that that phone has robbed these kids of so much of that stuff.

Of life, I mean, I look at

this is something where my son, I have a very sensitive son who, like, his default is to cry.

When he doesn't get his way or doesn't like things, he'll start to get sad and he'll cry.

And, like, watching him interact with kids, he's younger than a lot of kids.

So, a lot of times they're stronger.

They take, they dominate a little bit more.

So, I definitely have this kid who I'm trying to build that resiliency.

And, you know, we'll let that, we'll let it unfold.

But the conversations I'm having to have with him a lot are things like, Max, listen, sometimes you don't get to play what you want.

Sometimes you got to play what Timmy wants you.

You don't always get to play what you want to do.

And so either one, you play with what they want, you play and do what they want to do for a while, or you go do your own thing, but you don't cry.

You don't cry because you don't get to play this way or do that.

That's not how you do this.

That's not how real.

So I'm having to have a lot of conversations like that because of, and thank God we.

we foster that play and making sure he's doing that with kids and he doesn't get all this.

But it is, I could see that if you didn't, if I didn't insert myself into those conversations and teach him that lesson, then he could easily become that really soft kid who just every time he doesn't get what he wants, cries and defaults to that.

Yeah.

The fire started with

fatherless homes and the gasoline is social media, the internet and smartphones, but it started before that.

And now you have a situation where

we are trying to, here's the problem.

The problem is that parents, you are competing with something that you're going to lose against, right?

You give the child an opportunity to choose between a smartphone and outside, smartphone's going to win.