#21 Rachael

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Hello, podcast friends.

Jonathan here.

For the protection of those involved in today's story, some of the names have been changed.

But not my name.

I'm still me, Jonathan Goldstein.

Boom, boom.

Let's start the show.

Hello.

Do you remember when you came back from England and you were referring to the bathroom as the Lou?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Do you remember we were in a cafe and you were like, oh, one moment, I just have to find out where the loo is.

And I was like, Lou?

I mean, you spend a year in a country and you pick up stuff if you want to.

I think you were only there like a couple weeks.

I was there for a week.

I think you were there for a couple weeks.

I'm about to bang down.

I haven't noticed where you know.

It's been a while.

All right.

All right.

Let's.

Okay.

You know what?

We're getting off on the wrong foot here.

Let's walk it back.

Do you like eating buttered mashed potatoes?

Yep.

Would you eat a toilet?

No.

Do you like noodles?

You bet.

Do you like the sound of the wind in the trees?

Yeah.

Do you like climbing trees?

No.

In conclusion, I would like to say that this was a very nice telephone call.

For who?

from gimlet media i'm jonathan goldstein and this is heavyweight today's episode rachel

Sometimes an impetuous decision you make as a kid carries over into adulthood.

And day after day, you write out the consequences on autopilot.

Sure, you could always take back the wheel and change course,

but it's easier just not to think about it.

So it sort of starts out in that.

So I never had, I never had a boyfriend or anything in high school.

Rachel's a 30-year-old PhD candidate in genetics.

And she has a decision like that.

A choice she made as a college student.

that's determined the last 10 years of her life.

Lately, though, she's been wondering if there's something she can do about it.

I was in college, and the story begins when Rachel was 18 and she took a job at a restaurant to make some extra money.

And as I was working in this restaurant, I started dating this guy.

What was his name?

His name was Oscar.

Okay.

Yeah.

Which is a name I have not said in a while.

So Oscar just immediately started like paying attention to me.

He like asked if I wanted to come early one day and like help him cook because I really liked, I really like cooking.

And I have this like very clear memory of being next to him and him like toasting fennel, which was like

super hot.

It was really, it was really, he made me feel special.

And then every now and then I'd look over and there'd be like a perfectly seared scallop on my station.

In the beginning of their relationship, Oscar and Rachel would go out after work, still wearing their chef clothes, and they'd hang out into the night.

It was fun.

But pretty soon, Oscar started demanding more of her time.

Rachel was in college, and Oscar wasn't.

There would be points where I was studying and he'd be like, we need to hang out.

And I would be like, no, I'm studying.

And he would be like, this is like unacceptable.

Like, are you studying with other guys?

Oscar could get needy, moody, and the two of them didn't communicate well.

After about a year, Rachel wanted to break up with Oscar, but as a teenager in her very first relationship, it was hard.

She kept trying, but she couldn't make it stick.

So, in a last-ditch effort to put some space between them, she took a summer job as a nanny in England.

We then had sex one last time,

and then I went to England, and I never saw him again.

In the autumn, Rachel returned to school, Oscarless.

One Sunday morning, while over at her parents, she noticed them looking at her funny.

I guess they hadn't seen me in a while.

And my mom,

she literally just lifts up my shirt, pokes my stomach, and was like, Rachel, go take a pregnancy test.

I went back to my apartment and took the pregnancy test, and it was positive.

I remember just being

just not feeling anything and being on the bathroom floor.

And then I called my parents, and my dad came, and I remember him picking me up off of the bathroom floor.

At that point, without even realizing it, Rachel was already six months pregnant.

Which I find hilarious because I was a biology major.

And by that time, being six months pregnant, I just,

we were going with it at that point.

So I basically had three months to like find a doctor and like

build a crib and figure out daycare.

Like the health insurance issue was a big enough headache on its own.

Like, student health insurance doesn't cover maternity.

On the day of the delivery, a friend posted an open invite to the hospital on Rachel's Facebook wall.

Hey, Rachel's having a baby.

Come over.

It's like you're having a kegger or something.

Yeah.

Were you, like, the first of the friends to have a baby?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

By like...

10 years.

Rachel sent me a photo of everyone hanging out in the maternity ward.

They They look exactly like what they are.

A bunch of kids too young to legally attend a Kegger.

And with all of these baby-faced, sweatshirted classmates rooting for her outside the delivery room.

I like

had

my daughter.

That night, after her parents left the hospital and her friends returned to their dorms, Rachel was left all alone for the first time with with her daughter, Lena.

And I remember holding her and just looking at her and saying, like, I have a baby.

Like, I have a baby.

It was Friday night.

Monday was a holiday.

By Tuesday, Rachel was back in class.

And as for Oscar?

So that's the crazy thing is

the only thing I really knew was that like the one thing that could make this really, really hard is if I have to deal with a person that I really, really don't want to deal with.

And so I didn't.

So you meaning you didn't tell Oscar?

Yeah, I didn't tell him because I just,

there were so many things that got on the to-do list that the only thing going in my mind with regards to Oscar was like, let's just not deal with that now.

And so Rachel's, let's just not deal with that now, kept getting kicked down the road, one day handing off to the next.

Until

today's her birthday.

And she's turning 10.

10.

Wow.

I have a 10-year-old.

I still can't believe it.

Like, she's

amazing.

For Rachel, it's been 10 years of birthdays and Christmases, 10 years of card games, bedtime stories, and big Saturday morning breakfasts.

But 10 years too of not telling Oscar about his daughter, 10 years of not telling Lena about her dad.

Rachel says that so far, it hasn't really come up.

I think she asked once in like

preschool when they were doing making a family tree, and she was like,

why don't I have a dad?

And I was like, Merr, you just don't.

Like, you have Nana and Pops.

And then the other cool thing is, like,

one of her good friends has two moms, so I can just be like, Eli has two moms.

Like, like, look over there.

Like, Eli doesn't have a dad either.

Like, and, and she just sort of accepts that.

But as my daughter grows up, right, more and more it is obvious to me that one day she's actually going to ask me about him.

And then I don't know what I'm going to say because the.

The thing that scares me is her being God 16, 17, 18, and being like, mom, like, why did you do this?

And me being like, because it seemed kind of complicated at the time.

Like, it is 100% on me is the reason that, like, this person is not in her life.

I've never even been close to trying to, like, I've never googled him.

Yeah.

Once or twice a year, I'm just like,

hey, like, I should tell Oscar.

And then it's sort of a passing,

the feeling passes.

It isn't like Rachel doesn't think about Oscar.

In choosing Lena's name, she intentionally picked something that could be pronounced in Chinese, Rachel's half-Chinese, as well as in Spanish, because Oscar's Mexican.

Rachel doesn't want to live her life wondering if Oscar's out there, oblivious to the fact that he has a 10-year-old daughter.

And she doesn't want another 10 years to pass with Oscar still a ghost that she and Lena can't discuss.

So she wants to find Oscar and tell him he has a daughter.

But she says, the Oscar she remembers ran hot and cold.

Before getting Lena involved, she wants to know how he feels about his fatherhood.

And so, Rachel wants to take his temperature.

Or rather, she wants me to take it.

Can't you take someone's temperature?

Isn't that what you do?

How do you mean?

I don't, I want you to do all the work.

I don't know.

I'm not so much a temperature taker.

I'm in an interlock.

It's

interlocutor, yeah.

But

I could take the temperature.

You would do that?

Yeah.

Wait, so we're doing this?

I think we are.

I mean, that's what it sounds like.

And you know what this music sounds like?

Bargains.

Boogieing out your buds.

Your earbuds.

So make room in your wallet for all the Benjamins coming your way.

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Rachel hasn't seen Oscar in more than 10 years, and she doesn't know how to find him to tell him about Lena.

Back in the day, an old friend from the restaurant told her that her pregnancy was the talk of the kitchen, so Rachel thinks it's possible Oscar might have already heard.

But we all know what happens when one assumes, or at least I assume we all know.

But since I don't want to be indicted for the very crime against which I am building a case, let me just say it outright.

And if you already know this, you can press fast forward.

When one assumes, one makes an ass out of you and me.

Though now that I say it out loud, I realize it makes more sense written out.

Let's stroll on over to the chalkboard, shall we?

See, the letter U stands for Y O U, and then the letters M and E spell me.

And ASS?

That makes the ass part of the proverb.

Alex might want me to edit out that ass, but I'll just say I was talking about a donkey in the zoo.

I assume he's too busy capitalizing on opportunities to even notice the difference.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Hey, I can.

That's important.

Can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you.

We can hear each other.

This is Diane, the old friend of Rachel's from the restaurant, who thought Oscar might have heard about the pregnancy.

So reaching out to her seems like a good way to start the search.

I haven't been in touch with Oscar for quite some years.

After I left the restaurant, they started working at a business in town.

Okay.

And I had seen him there several years ago when he brought his family there.

He was with a family, as in, like, he has kids.

Yeah, he, the last that I knew, he had two little girls.

He had gotten married to this woman and had two children with her.

So Oscar now has a family of his own, two little girls.

Maybe when Rachel finally tells him about Lena, as they get into the little things, Lena's love of chess, how she's getting into anime, he could tell her about his daughters, the things they like.

They could talk about being parents.

And at the time that you saw him, the subject of Rachel didn't come up.

Well, it kind of did.

He would ask me how she was and I'd be like, well, I haven't seen her.

Diane wasn't sure whether Oscar was fishing around for information.

And if he was, she didn't know what Rachel would have wanted her to say.

So at the time, she just played dumb.

And after that day, she never ran into Oscar again.

I hope that they're able to connect.

I mean, just so everybody's in the know, I guess.

The only problem is, it's not just Diane who's lost touch with Oscar.

No one from the restaurant has heard from him in years.

It's like he's just vanished.

Rachel?

Let me kick the dog out of the room.

I'm really glad that you finished that sentence with, out of the room.

I call Rachel to fill her in about Oscar's two little girls, his marriage, how no one knows where he is.

And to this last point, Rachel isn't surprised.

Since we last spoke, she's begun searching for Oscar on her own.

Oscar is like impossible to find.

Like for someone in 2018, like I cannot find anything.

Because, you know, when we first talked, I was like, I've never even looked him up on Facebook.

And like, now I've been like, I've incognito mode and look for him on Facebook like all the time now.

And like, I can't find him.

Any other defining

middle name?

Does he have a middle name?

Um,

the answer is yes, because he has two last names.

What are they?

Well, I don't remember what the other one is.

Do you know what my middle name is?

Okay, here's the other, the other thing.

My middle name is Stuart.

And so I keep searching.

I look for Oscar on all the major sites: Facebook.ca, Twitter.ca, Google.ca,

but no dice.

Growing desperate, I even join LinkedIn.

But after Jorge, in good fun, adds to my list of professional endorsements the fact that I, quote, smell moderately presentable, I delete my account.

Just as I'm about to give up, Rachel phones with some good news.

My dad, he found a W-2 form.

Rachel's father found an old W-2 of Oscar's.

It was in a box of Rachel's old poetry.

And the form contains Oscar's first, last, and middle name, which is not Stuart, because why would it be?

Stuart's my middle name if you've been following along thus far.

Armed with Oscar's full name, Rachel did some research and found two possible addresses.

And so, she drafted a letter.

And I feel like we could send it to both addresses and just, like, hope that it gets to him.

And maybe we'll even get one of those fun stamps.

Or, like, you could get a verified letter, right?

Oh,

that is an idea.

That's a really good idea.

Then we would know that it's been received and signed for.

Yeah.

For someone who would ask me to do all the work, it seems like Rachel is really taking care of business.

Only her business is the business of putting me out of business.

I feel really good about this.

Thank you so much.

Rachel,

don't condescend to me.

In the letter, Rachel tells Oscar about her pregnancy and about Lena.

My daughter and I have a great life, she writes, and I don't want or need anything.

All these years later, I just want to be able to have an honest conversation.

Rachel makes two copies of the letter, one for each address, and to make me feel like I'm not dead weight, She generously allows me to mail them.

At the post office, I'm served by a kind clerk named Magnus.

While those in line wait patiently, I ask Magnus to run down the list of all available stamps, and he's more than delighted to do so.

Birds in winter, solar eclipse, the art of magic, Illinois statehood, Uncle Sam's hat, and dragons.

After several minutes of back and forth and with lots of support from the people waiting in line behind me egging me on, I choose a stamp celebrating frozen treats.

But here's the corker.

After all of my choosing, re-choosing, hemming, and hying, get this.

You don't actually use a stamp on a verified letter.

In fact, it's not even called a verified letter.

It's called a certified letter because it certifies that it's verified.

Learning about the United States Postal Service was fun.

So back at Gilmett Headquarters, I decide to further educate myself online.

Did you know that the original Pony Express was something of a misnomer?

It actually made use of full-size horses.

And on its inaugural ride, those regular-sized horses delivered important bank letters, miscellaneous papers, and five telegrams.

Telegrams are transmitted using Morse code.

Because I don't have a telegraph with which to provide examples, I've instead here chosen to use this air horn.

That's how you say the word ass in Morse code.

If Alex asks me to bleep out any portion of it, I'll just say that a bleep in Morse code language has meaning as well as a rich historical significance.

That ought to shut him up.

After a week of learning Morse code swear words to tap out on my stapler, I receive confirmation.

One of the letters has been received, and the signature on the receipt is Oscar's.

For weeks, I wait for Oscar to phone, but he never does.

I can't drop by his house because his family might not know anything about Lena or even Rachel.

So we need another way to reach him, a phone number, an email address.

I keep searching, and finally, after applying some good old-fashioned Canadian elbow grease and hiring a private investigator, I discover two potential Facebook accounts for Oscar.

Immediately, I send a message to each one, the same message we'd sent by certified mail.

Further research reveals a phone number for Oscar's landlords, who also happen to be Oscar's in-laws.

Please record your message.

Hi, my name is Jonathan Goldstein, and this is a message.

I leave a message for Oscar's mother-in-law, Barb.

I don't make mention of Rachel or Lena, or even Oscar.

All I say is that I sent a letter to one of her tenants, and I wanted to follow up.

Yes, this is concerning Oscar for Mr.

Goldstein.

Before long, I receive a message back from Barb.

As it turns out, all my discretion was for naught.

She knows all about the letter and everything in it.

This is because Barb's the one who signed Oscar's name for it.

It's a long story, but Oscar's been deported.

He is the daddy of my two granddaughters and was a very active father with them.

I would like him to know that he has another child.

He was a very loving father, but, well, things happen.

So, anyway, give me a call and see what you want to do.

Bye-bye.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Hello.

Hello.

When I returned Barb's call, she's at a school out in the desert where she does mental health work with kids.

Your name is Jonathan something?

Yeah, Jonathan Gouldstein.

Okay, all right.

Barb tells me that although she's still in touch with Oscar, he and her daughter are no longer together.

I ask her how long ago Oscar was deported.

Uh, exactly two years ago.

He got three DUIs.

He was a great guy, and then he suddenly went off the deep end.

So he ain't coming back for a while.

Barb says Oscar's trying to quit drinking, but right now, he isn't able to be much of a father.

I mean, because even his kids that, you know, he knew about and that he was very close to.

Your grandkids.

Yeah.

He has very sporadic contact with them.

Right.

His seven-year-old daughter knows him well and loves him and was in such a terrible shock.

when he got taken away.

So we're going to go to Mexico at some point and try to link up with him, but at this point, not yet till, you know, he says he's getting sober, so that's sort of the goal.

We don't want them to be with him if he's drinking.

But he was a good daddy when he was a daddy, so.

Barb can't say if Oscar knows about Lena, but she thinks that if he doesn't know, he'd want to.

She has a number for him in Mexico, but says it rarely goes through.

She offers to tell Oscar about Lena the next time he calls, though she can't predict how long the wait will be.

As it turns out, though, it's not long at all.

Just a few days later, Oscar Facebook messages Rachel.

He's received the message about Lena.

I'm in Mexico having problems, he responds.

The economy here is bad.

They don't share stories about their daughters.

There isn't a lot of small talk.

Instead, Instead, Oscar tells Rachel that, with regard to their talking, he can't afford a phone call.

So Rachel suggests they try Skyping, and Oscar asks to be sent money to buy some internet time.

The two get caught up in a volley of messages about the logistics of setting up a phone call, who will pay for it, when it'll happen.

But ultimately, it doesn't happen at all.

Their exchange ends with Oscar messaging to say, I ask for money to get phone time and internet to talk and solve all this, but seems like you don't care.

Well, have a nice day.

Throughout the correspondence, Lena's name never even comes up.

It went straight to like, you don't care about me, like, you don't care about this, which is insane to me because like that's the kind of stuff he would say to me

when

we were in a relationship, like if I didn't pick up the phone.

It was just immediately very, I don't know, it brought back like a lot of things very, very quickly

and

none of those were good things.

Right, right.

And then he never even wanted to know.

It was never even, tell me about the kid, right?

Right.

I mean,

I accomplished what I originally set out to accomplish, which is I wanted to find him and I wanted to tell him that, like, he had a kid.

I guess the one,

the part that is, like,

now sort of a new can of worms is, like,

what do I tell Lena?

For years, Rachel's assumed Lena's never asked about her dad because she's not curious.

But lately, a few things have happened happened that have begun to make her wonder if she hasn't been willfully naive, if Lena isn't already curious, but too afraid to ask.

For instance, Rachel's father, Lena's granddad, recently overheard a friend of Lena's ask her over and over who her dad was.

Throughout, Lena remained silent.

She's just like a really good kid and like

she broke her toe the other week and like I didn't even know it happened until like she was like my toe really hurt and like that was I had this like moment of introspection then I was like oh my gosh like what have I done to my child that she like doesn't want to cause trouble

and then three weeks after we speak Rachel finds one of her old college diaries in Lena's room it's a black moleskin she started when she was pregnant There's all this writing in there about that time in her life, her anxieties about having a kid, a bunch of poems she wrote trying to process her feelings.

It's clear that Lena is looking into Rachel's past, but doing it in her own way, a way that's private and quiet.

Did you read my notebook?

Rachel asks.

No, Lena says.

Are you sure?

asks Rachel.

Maybe, Lena says.

And in that maybe, Rachel realizes that, though the timing might not be right for her and Oscar to talk, it might be the right time for her and Lena.

So, one Saturday, after their ritual big Saturday morning breakfast, as Rachel and Lena lounge around in their pajamas, Rachel leads her daughter into the coziest room in the house, Rachel's bedroom.

And with the morning light spilling in through the windows, Lena and Rachel sit down on the carpet beside the bed and talk.

So,

I was wondering whether

you had ever wondered about

maybe why you don't have a father.

I haven't wondered in a while about that.

I have in the past.

I didn't know that.

Really?

Yeah.

When you wondered,

why didn't you ask me about it?

I didn't know how to ask.

You didn't know how to ask?

Is it just because you don't know how to ask?

I don't know how to ask.

You don't know how to ask.

No.

Well, so now, is there anything?

I want all the W's.

You want all the W's?

Yeah, the W questions.

Who, what, where, why, when?

Yeah.

Okay.

So

who?

Uh, so you

have a father.

His name is Oscar.

And he is in Mexico.

We met when I was in college.

We worked at a restaurant together.

Really?

Yeah.

So, one of the things that happened was

I didn't know I was pregnant with you, but I also didn't, I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

And then

he was here.

He's from Mexico, so he's Mexican.

And then he went back to Mexico.

Why?

Oh, is that the

other W?

Because that's where he was from.

So he is no longer here.

So now you know something else, right?

So you know that you're half Mexican.

Half?

Half Mexican.

Half.

Half.

So now you know.

Now I know.

And now,

even if you don't know how to ask, do you feel like you can come talk to me about anything?

Because you totally can.

Thank you.

What else do you want to know?

I don't know what else I want to know.

Okay.

But if you think about it, will you tell me?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, so

that's all we want to know.

That's all I want to know.

For now?

For now.

Dun dun dun

Rachel keeps checking in over the next couple months to see if there's anything Lena wants to ask.

And while there never is, Rachel's getting into the habit of taking the temperature.

It's not until a few months later, when Rachel and Lena are snuggling in bed, that Lena looks up at her mother and asks, Mom,

how tall was Oscar?

When Rachel hears the name spoken so casually by Lena, it still gives her a slight twinge in her chest.

But Oscar's no longer a ghost, he's her daughter's dad.

And when Lena has a question about him, Lena's no longer afraid to ask.

Oscar was a little shorter than your granddad, Rachel tells her.

Okay,

Lena says.

Now that the furniture's returning to its goodwill home

Now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damaged deposit

Take this moment to decide

if we meant it if we tried

or felt around for far too much

from things that accidentally touched.

Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me, Jonathan Goldstein, along with Khalila Holt, Peter Bresnan, and Stevie Lane.

The show is edited by Jorge Just with additional editing by Alex Bloomberg.

Special thanks to Emily Condon, Caitlin Baguki, Andrew Goldberg, Rachel Ward, and Jackie Cohen.

Bobby Lord mixed the episode with music by Christine Fellows, John K.

Sampson, Blue Dot Sessions, and Bobby Lord.

Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com/slash heavyweight.

Our theme song is by The Weaker Thans, courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by Haley Shaw.

Follow us on Twitter at heavyweight or email us at heavyweight at gimletmedia.com.

We'll be back with new episodes after American Thanksgiving.

Happy Toike Day!

And now, here's a special holiday song that Bobby Lord composed for you to sing with your family while celebrating.

Take it away, Bob.

Alex might want me to edit out that ass.

Should I try?

But no, duh.

Edit out.

Bad ass.

Edit out that ass.

Full-sized horses.

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For those who move, those who push further, those with...

A taste for taste?

Exactly.

I did take a spin class today after work.

Look at you.

Restoring like a pro.

I mean, I also sat down halfway through.

Eh, close enough.

Smartwater alkaline with antioxidant.

For those with a taste for taste, grab yours today.

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Copyright 2025, Capari America, New York, New York.

Never compromise.

Drink responsibly.

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This is an iHeart podcast.