#20 Soraya

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I've been getting the feeling that you've been avoiding my calls.

No, really, whatever gives you that idea.

So you mean my paranoia is true?

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From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Heavyweight.

Today's episode, Saraya.

In the fall of 2015, Saraya began her freshman year at Harvard.

She was studying history, a subject that she's loved ever since she was a kid.

The person that gave me my love of history was my dad.

We would always watch documentaries together, which is one of my favorite things.

Shortly after getting to Harvard, Sorreya met Professor Alyssa Mount Pleasant.

Soraya liked Alyssa right away.

She was a Native American history professor studying indigenous people.

Soria also wanted to tell the stories of people without a complete written history.

In Saraya's case, African-American people.

She was doing the type of history I wanted to do and the type of history that I love.

She is a woman of color.

And you know, it's game-recognizing game.

You felt a kinship.

Yeah.

Like, I don't even know how old she is, but she seems young,

which was really inspiring.

Alyssa was writing a book about a tribe called the Haudenosaunee, and she was looking for a research assistant, someone to sift through microfilm of thousands of newspapers from the early 1800s.

She said that she didn't usually hire freshmen, but

she was going to give me a chance, and she thought I was,

I don't know, charming, beguiling.

She didn't say these words out loud.

I don't know.

I don't know why you would hire me, but she did.

For For reasons Saraiya couldn't quite fathom, Alyssa had taken a chance on her.

And for Saraya, that felt like an act of kindness.

She was working alongside a mentor who saw something in her and contributing to a project that felt meaningful.

Life seemed to be working out great.

Saraya should have been thrilled.

I found myself in a new school, surrounded by new people, studying things that I really loved,

but I found myself very

unhappy.

Saraya had struggled with feelings of depression since she was a kid, but she'd always been able to pin those feelings on the world around her.

Classes that weren't engaging, relationships that weren't fulfilling.

But with her arrival at Harvard, she hoped that finally things might fall into place.

But like, every time I woke up there,

it didn't feel right, you know?

I don't know how to explain it other than like

whenever I look in the mirror,

I don't feel like a Harvard student.

Like, I'm black, I'm Arab, I'm a woman.

I just, I felt bad about all of that.

And I couldn't stop myself from feeling bad about it.

And I felt sad because I felt bad that I felt bad.

And it felt like things were supposed to get better because

on paper, my life had

gotten better, but nothing changed.

Syria stopped going to class, stopped showering, stopped sleeping, sometimes for almost a week straight.

At night, she'd stay up reading trashy romance novels and watching conspiracy videos on YouTube.

And there was something comforting about sort of being adjacent to crazy

when you're feeling crazy.

There would be long stretches of time when I wouldn't leave my room.

One of my roommates had left her keys in her room and so she sent out a text on our group chat and was like, hey, is anyone in the room?

And she stood outside our door knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking

and I

didn't move.

I couldn't muster the energy to talk to anyone or to face anyone.

I really feel like I was a zombie.

This is all happening.

And one of the key relationships that I was doing my best to maintain

was my relationship with Alyssa.

But I just

kept digging a hole.

When talking with me about her depression, Saraya is always pretty even-keeled until the subject of Alyssa comes up.

I just kept showing up to meetings saying that I was doing things and like, it was going great.

The truth was that shortly after being hired, because of her depression, Saraya's work researching Alyssa's book ground to a halt.

But just the same, she kept on meeting with Alyssa.

It was the only time all week that she showered, that she got dressed and left her room.

Because I just wanted to meet with her.

And for those moments when I was meeting with her and we were talking and we were sharing,

I just felt in those moments like this is how I wanted my life to be,

but I couldn't have it outside of these moments that were in the end a lie.

Eventually, Harvard tried to intervene, first with emergency meds and then psychiatric treatment.

But nothing was helpful.

And in the end, Saraya was left with no choice but to drop out.

She returned to her childhood home, where she spent the next two months in bed.

Since dropping out, Saraya's depression has lifted.

A new therapist and a new job have helped.

She says she generally feels good about things, except for one particular thing.

Saraya abandoned the project without ever saying anything to Alyssa.

After dropping out, she just ghosted.

Alyssa sent emails and tried to set up Skype sessions, but Saraya never responded.

And eventually, Alyssa stopped reaching out.

For the last two years, Saraya has been carrying around the original flash drive where she saved all the old newspaper articles that she was supposed to read through for Alyssa.

I've been carrying it with me in my backpack for two years.

You've literally been carrying, like literally carrying it around as a weight on your back.

So what do you want?

I need to know whether or not I can make it right by finishing this.

By this, she means the research work she promised Alyssa.

Saraya doesn't just want to apologize.

She wants to present Alyssa with a bold gesture.

And as far as gestures go, the bold kind are my favorite.

So, in answer to the question I've not yet been asked, yes, Saraya, I will be your life coach, helping you at every turn to see this through.

According to the internet, every good life coach needs a catchphrase.

an inspirational koan that can bring solace during difficult moments, a soft light made of brave words to whisper when dark night has fallen.

Something wise, yet simple.

Soulful, but dignified.

You're gonna boom, boom, boom, bang it out.

Say it with me.

I'm gonna boom, boom, boom.

Come on, with me.

I'm gonna boom, boom, boom, bang it out.

I know it seems silly, but I'll say one part of you, say the next.

You'd boom,

boom.

I can't, I won't.

I could, I won't.

I get Saraya's hesitation.

There's nothing more soul-deadening than mindlessly repeating other people's slogans and catchphrases.

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Saraya Gets Started on the Project.

On the flash drive she's been carrying around since she left Harvard, there are 62 PDF files, each one containing hundreds of pages of newspaper.

Anytime a native person is mentioned in any way, a marriage, an arrest, a treaty being signed, Saraya makes a copy of the article and then catalogs it.

So after her regular 9 to 5 is finished and the office is emptied out, Saraya remains at her desk, scrolling through years and years of microfilm.

And the plan is that at the end of each week, she's to check in with me so I can offer support and inspiration.

Week one.

So

how is it going?

It went fine this week.

I think it is

in the doing that I will find

some

peace.

So I'm excited and I...

So far, life coaching is a breeze.

For sure, easier than baseball or football coaching.

But by week two, Saraya and I hit a snag.

It's just, God.

I hate this about me so much.

I basically litigate with myself.

I'm like, you know, if you start working at four

and you do two hours of work, it'll only be six.

That's fine.

It's 6 p.m.

If you do two hours, that's only 8 o'clock.

It's 4 a.m.

Okay, Soraya, you have to do it now, or you're not going to be able to sleep tonight.

It's 6 a.m.

Well, you really can't sleep now because you have to be up for work in two hours.

It's 8 a.m.

And then I went to work.

I went to work.

According to ancient Greek myth, as punishment for betraying the gods, Sisyphus was forced to spend eternity pushing a rock up a hill, only to have the rock roll back down again when it reached the top.

It was hell in the form of boredom and meaninglessness.

Like Sisyphus, Saraia sees no end to her toil.

She's sorting through mountains of articles about lost wallets and lost umbrellas, the war of 1812, stolen horses and scalpings.

She scrolls and scrolls and scrolls, looking for any mention of indigenous people.

She can go hours, even days, without finding anything relevant.

Plus, she doesn't even know if her work will have any worth.

Alyssa might have already finished her book, or worse, because of her, abandoned it entirely.

It all feels pointless.

Week 10.

How did the weekend go?

Pretty, pretty shit.

Not good.

But according to the internet, a life coach has to be persistent.

And so, we keep checking in, even when Sarai is out of town.

Week 11.

I did not work on this project this week.

Week 12.

This week has not been productive.

Week 13.

This week did not go to plan.

Week 14.

Hello?

Hey.

Who's this?

This is Jonathan speaking.

Oh, oh, crap.

I totally forgot about this.

As a life coach, I'm also like Sisyphus.

I'm pushing a rock up a hill.

And my rock is Saraia, pushing her rock up a hill.

Should I be continuing to try to inspire you?

I, uh...

It's not you, it's me.

It is me, isn't it?

Do you know, are you familiar with the quote from Highlander?

There is no try.

Wait, did I get there is no try?

There can only be a- Are you looking it up?

Here, oh no, sorry, it's Yoda.

Do or not.

Sorry, do or do not.

There is no try.

Thank you.

I'm surprised you didn't try to imitate Yoda.

If I'm going to be honest, I'm a little disappointed you don't.

Showing Saraya that there is no try is something that I must actually do rather than try to do.

I must do to do.

Do or do not.

There is no.

There is no try.

Do or do not.

Wait, let me.

I could nail this.

Hang on.

I've never really tried.

Wait.

You know, when you can like hear the voice in your head that you're trying to imitate, but you can't get it out,

but you just know it's in there.

Huh?

Why did I start this?

Anyone?

What is this?

It definitely feels like an intervention.

Just because people are intervening, they care about you doesn't make it an intervention.

Hang on a second.

So, the question of why did she start this?

Anyone?

I invite Saraya into the studio where I stage a full-on multimedia event.

Or at least a single media event.

I play Saraya some audio tape from the one person she needs to hear from most.

I thought that maybe the best

person for you to hear right now

would be you.

This is an intervention.

Saraya shakes her head, and I press play.

And together, we listen to a conversation that we had back when this whole thing began.

I think it is

in the doing that I will find

some

peace.

In his essay about Sisyphus, the French existentialist Albert Camus writes that Sisyphus's real struggle wasn't that he had to roll a heavy rock up a hill without ever getting to the top, but that he had to somehow find meaning in the rock rolling.

Saraya has lost sight of the thing that was bringing meaning to her rock rolling.

She's lost sight of Alyssa.

Like, I don't even know how old she is, but she seems young,

which was really inspiring.

She was past Saraya talks about how important Alyssa was to her, how kind she was when she was at her lowest.

And as past Saraya speaks, present Saraya covers her face.

I need to know whether or not I can make it right by finishing this.

I believe that person was talking from the heart.

Saraya looks down at the table.

She's quiet for a while, thinking about Alyssa and when they first met.

I was feeling very bad about myself, and so this job,

like it was this moment,

my freshman year.

Oh, shit.

It's like, God.

She's a deeply nice person.

So what are we going to do?

Saraya looks at me like I'm an idiot.

Then, her smile widens.

And

I'm going to boom, boom, boom, bang it out.

Who's going to boom, boom, boom, bang it out?

I'm going to boom, boom, boom, bang it out.

See?

How did that feel?

About as good as I imagined it to.

We're gonna boom, boom, boom, bang, bang it out.

I'm past the 50% mark.

When we check back in a week later, it seems Saraya has gotten back what I will heretoforth refer to as, after carefully vetting my language with Gimlet Media's paralegal department, the look of the leopard.

the glass is half empty or full whichever the optimistic part is neither no no you have emptied this glass of nagging guilt and shame so that it's half empty which is good okay again in in the colloquial sphere of things that would sound really really negative are you sure i don't know yeah i think you might have that backwards

no no no no no

and from here, the half-empty glass just keeps getting emptier.

Week 15.

I would say I'm at 52%.

Week 16?

I'm at 60%.

Week 17.

I'm going to put it at 62%.

Week 18.

The 75% mark.

It isn't always easy.

There are still stops and starts.

Soraya gets tired, Saraya gets bored, Soraya gets busy.

But slowly, Saraya nears the finish line.

Week 24.

I think I'm going to get there.

I'm almost done.

I think I have two.

I have two of those files left.

I can do that.

Week 26.

So?

Yeah.

What do you have to tell me?

I'm done.

You're done.

I'm done.

After the break, Alyssa.

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This is a boarding call for our track train 43 that stops at Newark, Transit, Philadelphia.

Is that us?

Leicester, Elizabethtown.

Alyssa is currently doing academic research in Philadelphia.

So, Saraya and I meet at New York's Penn Station, and right and early, we board a train to Philly.

As Saraya's life coach, I'm a nervous wreck, so I can only assume that Saraya must be feeling three to six times as anxious as I am.

I try to soothe her.

Do you find that sound soothing?

Do you hear it?

Check it, check it, check it, check it, check it, check it, check it, check it.

Saraya doesn't appear to find it soothing, so I pull out another life coaching technique.

Breathing.

In, I'm breathing in.

Oh no, that was breathing out.

Get it confused sometimes.

Saraya didn't get any sleep the night before.

In her fugue state of sleep deprivation, I can only assume that Saraya must be experiencing this train trip, not as an actual train trip, but as a symbolic and surreal train trip of self-discovery.

We chug along past Newark, New Jersey, home of the first successful submarine voyage.

Elizabeth, New Jersey, birthplace of the first ice cream soda in New Jersey,

Rahway, New Jersey, originally called Spanktown by early settlers for disgusting reasons I won't go into here.

Andalusia, New Jersey, filming locale for the NBC pilot Outlaw, which starred a young Jimmy Smith and ran for eight episodes.

And finally,

so here we are.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Philadelphia.

Welcome to Philly.

Yeah, no doubt.

They call it Philly for short.

Short for Philip.

Philadelphia.

Outside the train station, the city is bustling.

As Saraya's life coach/slash tour guide, I point out the sights and sounds of the city.

Look at this, look at that.

There's the cracked Liberty Bell.

There's those stairs that Rocky ran up.

And there's a tub of cream cheese.

Philadelphia fresh.

We cab over to the Temple University campus where I've set up our meeting with Alyssa.

Here we are, we're on campus.

Feeling that adrenaline,

that college sort of we're college students and we could do anything we want.

I miss the sweats carrying pizza luck.

Because I.

There's a guy that describes

what I have to do.

Like cheap beer at a frat party, It's all rising up in me.

Running through the dorm in my underwear, hacky sack in my underwear, underwear pong, underwear runs, no pants parties.

All the college things I experienced in movies, but not in my five years at the Sir George Williams campus of downtown Montreal's Concordia University.

What good was my education anyway?

As for Saraya, after being out of school for a couple of years now, I wonder what it's like for her to be back on a college campus.

It's hard though to tell what she's feeling.

I've arranged to meet Alyssa at the Entertainment and Community Education Center on the edge of campus.

We're a few minutes early, so Saraya decides to use the extra time to run to the bathroom.

But just as she steps into the hallway, she comes face to face with a wavy-haired woman wearing narrow black-framed glasses.

Hi, how are you?

It's Alyssa.

How are you?

Good.

It's so good to see you.

It's good to see you too.

Alyssa and Saraia stand around awkwardly in the hallway, not sure what to say.

As they fall into silence, Saraya's life coach springs into action.

Hi, I'm Jonathan.

Hi, Jonathan.

It's nice to meet you.

Now, Alyssa and Saraiya and I stand around awkwardly in the hallway, not sure what to say.

Yeah, we'll take care of Alyssa so that you could do your toilet and be at your best.

Great.

Come on in.

When Saraiya returns from the bathroom, she finds Alyssa already seated at a large round table.

Saraya sits beside her.

Together, they try to figure out how to begin.

How have you been?

I've been good.

I've been busy.

I've been well.

How are you?

I've been

both up and down.

Yeah.

I

really,

I mean, what comes to mind is that I left you high and dry.

And

by the time we met,

Saraya gets right into it.

Telling Alyssa all the things that two years years ago she wasn't able to.

I was in a really dark place and had

she tells Alyssa about not being able to leave her dorm room,

about how everything in her life was falling apart,

how meaningless it all felt,

how ultimately she had to drop out of school.

But she tells Alyssa about her depression.

And I was trying really, really hard

to be okay,

but

like what I'm

what I'm most ashamed of is that I couldn't just like

uh

tell you.

I just didn't feel like I could tell you or anyone, which is

to me sad because you are so nice.

Did you ever suspect that Saraya might be depressed?

I had no idea.

I had absolutely no idea.

Alyssa turns to Saraya.

I was immediately impressed with you.

You have an energy and an enthusiasm and an honesty that is

refreshing

and inspiring.

So, sorry, if I could just jump in for a minute.

You never felt

like let down or you didn't feel angry or upset?

I

might have been a little frustrated,

but I was never angry or disappointed.

If anything, I was trying to be compassionate about the workload that I was imagining you had, not knowing that there was another workload that you had

that you were dealing with.

So you shouldn't feel like you left me high and dry.

Saraya can't understand how Alyssa could feel this way, how easily she's letting her off the hook.

She came to ask for forgiveness for screwing over her mentor, and she's not buying Alyssa's response.

Well, I just felt like I hadn't accomplished anything.

And like, when I was- So I was just gonna jump in.

That is wrong.

For the first time all afternoon, Alyssa drops her measured tone and interrupts Saraya.

You had done a tremendous amount of work, and

my

recollection was that there was just a little bit more that needed to be done.

Saraya looks confused, and at this point, I probably do too.

The way Saraya had always explained it to me, she'd done almost no work on the project.

She'd failed the project, failed Alyssa, and failed herself.

You know, I have an image in my mind of the Dropbox file with a number of different

Alyssa brings up the existence of a Dropbox folder.

It was there, she says, that they both shared articles and material as they worked on the project.

Spreadsheets, Excel spreadsheets, and links to them, and there was additional...

It seems that on June 14th, 2016, just before she ghosted on Alyssa, Saraya had uploaded almost half of the required research.

Not only that,

but she'd organized it too.

And yet, Saraya doesn't remember any of this.

For the past two years, she's accepted her failure as the truth

to now hear otherwise is hard to process.

What I'm sort of

realizing is that I

let the fact that I didn't finish something eclipse the fact that I had done anything at all.

Saraya had been telling herself a story, that she'd failed, that she'd made a mess of everything.

In truth, though, that was just a story the depression had been telling.

But it's this story that two years later has stuck with her.

It took Alyssa, the historian, to excavate the past.

Eventually, the conversation turns to the matter of the work that Saraya truly, verifiably, didn't do.

Did you end up having to hire another researcher to do what Saraya was doing, or did you do it yourself?

It's still not done.

Hearing this, Saraya reaches into her bag and begins fumbling inside.

She pulls out the flash drive that contains all the work she's done over the past six months.

She explains why she traveled all the way to Philly.

I brought it

because

I

wanted to give it to you.

Saraya begins an accounting of everything she's done in preparation for the meeting.

So I read

about a decade's worth of newspaper and clipped, I think it's like 700 articles.

And so I'll just give you a quick look at what's inside.

But

you'll have like

Alyssa shakes her head.

The other thing is, like, it's the War of 1812, so there's just at first in disbelief,

because I also clipped, I just thought the creek stuff that's going on is so fascinating, and but eventually,

in amazement, what's going on with the Tuscarora?

Uh, it's wild to me.

And then into like I sit back and watch this side of Saraiya that I've not seen before.

In spite of her sleep-deprived state, she has a natural enthusiasm, enthusiasm, a passion for the subject, and a command of the material.

All qualities Alyssa must have seen when she first decided to hire her.

Back then, Alyssa didn't see the depression.

She saw through it to other things.

Things that at the time, Saraya couldn't see herself.

Maybe this is why Alyssa took a chance on a freshman.

It's staggering.

The amount of work that you've taken on.

I'm overwhelmed.

And I wonder about, and here I'm spitballing.

Alyssa pauses for a moment, rubs her chin.

But I wonder if there might be a co-authored piece, or at least co-credited piece, because that wouldn't be possible without Saraya's work.

I'm so glad that you're okay.

Yeah.

I am too.

I still want to say sorry.

I don't know.

I know you don't seem to need it.

I accept your apology.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Just before the rock rolls back down and the schlep begins anew, In that brief pause when the stone is perfectly balanced at the mountain's top, Sisyphus must experience a moment of respite.

A moment when he can unclench his jaw, rub his neck, scratch his back.

Soraya still struggles with depression, with whether she's ready to return to school.

But for now, there's a moment of peace.

On the train ride back to New York, Saraya curls up in her sweatshirt and rests her head against the window.

And were it not for the relentless affirmations of her life coach,

the gentle chugga-chugga of the train would have by now rocked her to sleep.

What's the expression again?

Oh, I don't know.

Bing, bang, boom, bing-dip-boop.

Bipity-boppity-boom

totally escaped my mind.

We're gonna bip-bop.

Now that you've said it, though, what is that?

Boom-boom, boom, boom.

It's just boom, boom.

Boom, boom, bang.

Yeah.

Boom, boomed, boomed, banged it out.

Now that the furniture's returning to its goodwill home

Now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damaged deposit, take this moment to design

empty

if we meant it, if we tried,

but felt around for far too much

from things that accidentally touched.

Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me, Jonathan Goldstein, along with Peter Bresnan, Khalila Holt, and Stevie Lane.

The show is edited by Jorge Just with additional editing by Alex Bloomberg.

Special thanks to Emily Condon, Jasmine Romero, Matilde Urfalino, Amber Davis, B.A.

Parker, and Jackie Cohen.

Bobby Lorde mixed the episode with music by Christine Fellows, Blue Dot Sessions, and he himself, Bobby Lorde.

Additional music credits can be found on our website, gimletmedia.com/slash heavyweight.

Our theme song is by The Weaker Thans, courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by Haley Shaw.

Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight or email us at heavyweight at gimletmedia.com.

We'll have a brand new episode next week.

This is an iHeart podcast.