From ‘I’m Too Short’ to ‘I Feel Amazing!’ How to Transform Your Dating Confidence NOW (Live Coaching with Ryan)

Speaker 1 And it's going to make it so much easier for you to approach, and also, you're going to feel a lot more confident.

Speaker 1 Does that sound like something you'd be up for?

Speaker 2 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 I sound like a used car salesman. If I could put you in

Speaker 1 this Cadillac, would you be interested in that?

Speaker 1 Hey, Ryan, what's up, man? Happy Friday to you.

Speaker 2 Hey, how's it going? Yeah,

Speaker 2 excited for the weekend. And

Speaker 2 yeah, I'm going back home, so it'll be good to like see friends and everything. How are you doing?

Speaker 1 I'm good. I'm ready to help you

Speaker 1 make some breakthroughs here with approaching and with confidence.

Speaker 1 Before we get into the exercise that I had in mind for you, tell me a little bit about what you've been struggling with in terms of approaching, especially in the area of things you might be insecure about or things that hurt your confidence with the women you want to date?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think

Speaker 2 I've traditionally, throughout my life, struggled with anxiety and self-esteem.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 getting older, you know, this has a massive part in terms of dating success, I've realized in terms of like anecdotal experience.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I think like self-image things, like I'm

Speaker 2 relatively short and

Speaker 2 bald,

Speaker 2 And I'm also younger. I'm like 24.

Speaker 2 And these things for a long time were kind of things I was pretty insecure about.

Speaker 2 And I think recently, like, I'm kind of starting to notice a slight change in terms of things, but this is also like something that I have a lot of work to do.

Speaker 2 And, you know, and in terms of like approaching women, whether it's like kind of in a...

Speaker 2 the context of you know just everyday uh life or or to like going out you know these are things that kind of come to my mind and kind of can affect my vibe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so as you might know from knowing a little bit about my book, in my book, I talk about this idea of the higher self and the lower self.

Speaker 1 And the lower self is that voice of self-doubt where you see a woman you want to talk to and that part of you is like, oh my God, I would love to go meet her.

Speaker 1 But then that little voice says things like, oh, she won't like me.

Speaker 2 because X or Y.

Speaker 1 I'm not this enough. I'm not tall or rich or cool enough.
Do me a favor, just give me a a quick 30-second play-by-play for when you want to approach your type of attractive woman.

Speaker 1 What does that little voice say to you that stops you or that inhibits you in any way?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a good question. I think like,

Speaker 2 yeah, let's say I'm like in the grocery store and I see a super

Speaker 2 attractive woman, like, you know, a nine or something that's,

Speaker 2 you know, wearing like, like athletic and, you know, beautiful and everything.

Speaker 2 I think, oh man, like this girl's so hot, hot but she she gets hit on all the time she's um you know way out of my league i'm kind of like

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 there's there's a little there's not too much point in approaching her because she's yeah she's like so far out of my league and um it probably just

Speaker 1 um won't go anywhere basically out of your league why i don't mean right now if you don't feel that way but in those moments of doubt what specifically makes her out of your league what are you lacking or not having to offer

Speaker 2 i think really like the main thing is just appearance like i feel in terms of like the rest of my life and

Speaker 2 i'm at the point where i've

Speaker 2 you know over the course of years of um

Speaker 2 getting to where i want to be i've feel pretty good about my career my um life experiences you know which with um travel and

Speaker 2 friends and social skills and stuff in terms of getting to a place where I want to be with that. And even just like talking to random people, like whether it's in a romantic or just friendly context.

Speaker 2 So it's more just like, oh, like, you know, this girl is a lot more physically attractive than I am.

Speaker 1 Like, that's probably the main thing. So she's a nine or ten in your mind physically.
And in those doubtful moments, what number are you?

Speaker 1 Or how do you feel you are in those moments when you're like, oh man, I don't, I'm not the number she wants. What number are you?

Speaker 2 Maybe like a five or something.

Speaker 2 Or maybe it ranges maybe from like a four to a seven or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so maybe like a four on those days. I think realistically, like if I look at it logically,

Speaker 2 it's probably higher than that.

Speaker 2 But on my worst days, it's a four, maybe even like a three, to be honest, where I'm like, oh, I'm just like, you know, I don't like the way I look in the mirror and stuff. And

Speaker 1 that's it.

Speaker 1 And a couple more quick questions here, then we'll get to this exercise we're going to do.

Speaker 1 But before we get to this, what I call the higher self-awakening, where we're going to wake up that most authentic, confident version of yourself.

Speaker 1 Let's just tell me a little bit more about that lower self. You look at that gorgeous woman, she's a nine, she's a ten.
Why are you a five in those moments? Is it your face? Is it your lack of hair?

Speaker 1 Is it something else?

Speaker 2 I think it's um,

Speaker 2 and this is something that's kind of changed throughout my life. Like, I've been insecure about multiple things.
Um,

Speaker 2 I think it's kind of a combination. Um, at this point, it's probably more my hair than just my face.
Like I don't think I'm

Speaker 2 at least I, you know, I don't think I'm hideous looking, at least not like typically, although I do when I get into those kind of dark moments, then I'm like, oh, like I look kinda grotesque. But

Speaker 2 yeah, I just like having a normal, like, you know, nice guy type of face, but not like this swagger, like Brad Pitt or like,

Speaker 2 you know, type of, I'm like, oh, like, my face is kind of weird looking and stuff. It's, it's, it's more of that.

Speaker 2 Because, you know, there's some bald, like, there's some short bald guys with these gorgeous faces that I'm like, oh, yeah, they're, they're killing it.

Speaker 2 So that's kind of where my mindset's at right now, at least.

Speaker 1 Okay, got it. So you have some core beliefs that hurt your confidence and are doing some damage.
At the very least, they're hurting you emotionally.

Speaker 1 And I would imagine there's a lot of times when you would love to approach some women, but you don't do it because of how you feel about yourself. Is that fair to say?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's fair to say.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Definitely would be

Speaker 2 taking shots with

Speaker 2 some really hot women if I was able to feel better about that.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do the exercise. I'm going to guide you through something I call the higher self-awakening.

Speaker 1 We're going to identify and transform and flip your biggest belief that is limiting you and flip it into something that feels so much more powerful and confidence-inducing and also true.

Speaker 1 And it's going to make it so much easier for you to approach. And also, you're going to feel a lot more confident.
Does that sound like something you'd be up for?

Speaker 2 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 I sound like a used car salesman. If I could put you in

Speaker 1 this Cadillac, would you be interested in that?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you.
And sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

Speaker 1 It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too.
As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there.

Speaker 1 But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

Speaker 1 It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America.

Speaker 1 And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

Speaker 1 On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.
No creepy pickup tricks needed.

Speaker 1 So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. All right, let's first define.

Speaker 1 the biggest limiting belief that's holding you back. And by the way, there's different beliefs in the world.
Some beliefs are true, some beliefs are false, and some beliefs have a gray area.

Speaker 1 Not every belief is limiting, or I should say not every belief is false and limiting. For example, I believe that I am not going to win the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament next year.

Speaker 1 Well, why? Because

Speaker 1 I routinely get beaten by this post-menopausal woman who I play tennis with.

Speaker 1 And if I can't beat her, I'm probably not going to take down Federer or, you know, a top player. So some beliefs are absolutely true.

Speaker 1 We want to make sure there's not a belief about you that's, that's actually more, that's bullshit or partial bullshit. So let's get to it.
First question for you is,

Speaker 1 what do you feel is the biggest belief about yourself that hurts your confidence?

Speaker 1 A story that makes you feel like, oh man, I'm just not just not enough for the kind of women I would love to approach and to date?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I think, yeah, it's an interesting perspective.

Speaker 2 I think if I had to summarize it, it would basically be,

Speaker 2 yeah, I'm not good looking enough. Like, my face isn't like, you know,

Speaker 2 good looking enough. And my, you know, heightened hair probably don't help either.
But

Speaker 2 to, you know, date these super pot women that are out of my league physically.

Speaker 2 I think that's probably

Speaker 2 if I had to summarize summarize it.

Speaker 1 All right. So, would you say not good looking enough

Speaker 1 is the biggest

Speaker 1 weight pulling your confidence down, at least in the area of approaching?

Speaker 2 Yeah, definitely. I think I'm like, at least

Speaker 2 on a good day, like, and this depends for sure, because there are days where socially I don't feel as confident, but then on those days, it's like, you know, I'm going to make a fool out of myself.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be weird. I'm going to be creepy.
Like, that can 100% play a role. I think, generally speaking, and like maybe a

Speaker 2 neutral or positive

Speaker 2 day, like I think I'm pretty well socially calibrated to situations.

Speaker 2 But you know, that can come up as well. If it's like, oh, I'm feeling crappy today, I'm probably going to give out this weird, creepy type of vibe.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
So I'm going to write this sentence down. Tell me if this is pretty close to what you feel.

Speaker 1 I am just not good looking enough. to approach and attract quality women.
They want better looking guys than me. That's basically it, right?

Speaker 2 Yep. Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool. So we've identified it.
Is that belief true? Is it false? Is there a gray area? I don't know. Let's find out.

Speaker 1 Let's examine it using this process that I call the higher self-awakening trademark, patent pending.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 here's one, let me give you a little inside baseball. Here's why this belief feels almost like it's just...
It probably doesn't even feel like a belief.

Speaker 1 It probably just feels like, oh, that's just the way it is. It's reality.
Does it feel like that sometimes oh yeah 100

Speaker 1 me too by the way my belief back in the day the mid to late 2000s was

Speaker 1 i'm just too

Speaker 1 nice and uh skinny and not alpha enough to approach hot girls i'm a nerdy skinny ginger they want

Speaker 1 they want big muscular alpha men that felt like the reality of the world. So I know what it feels like to have like a core belief.

Speaker 1 So anyway, the reason why this belief, it feels so cemented, I believe, inside of you is because it's two beliefs in one. There's two kinds of beliefs.
One is what's called an identity belief.

Speaker 1 Essentially something that you think you lack, which is looks.

Speaker 1 That feels pretty heavy duty sometimes, right? The other kind of belief that exists is what's called a worldview belief, which is how other people think and how they view the world.

Speaker 1 And if you think about it, your belief is too,

Speaker 1 it's a double-decker shit sandwich.

Speaker 1 It's an identity belief about you lacking looks, but also there's a supposition in your belief, which is that quality, attractive women want Brad Pitt, quality model, super handsome guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Now, you didn't say that to me, but would you say that's a fair supposition that's that's kind of inherent in your belief?

Speaker 2 Yeah, or you know, women want

Speaker 2 guys that are super, um, yeah, physically just like attractive. Um, and yeah and unfortunately like i'm a pretty uh

Speaker 2 maybe because of like my career just um

Speaker 2 the way i software

Speaker 2 guy right yeah yeah yep um i'm a pretty logical person

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 so i i do kind of see it a little bit in the gray area because i'll again like i think confirmation bias can kind of play a role here but um

Speaker 2 you know on like a bad day like it's like i'll see this evidence and i'll like kind of you know like convince myself that like logically that I'm kind of

Speaker 2 some of the things are right I don't entirely fall into like I would say more than not like that those are my beliefs but there are times where I'll see things and I'm like all right like maybe this

Speaker 2 is a little bit of something that

Speaker 2 you know is eye-opening or maybe doesn't entirely fit into my worldview but yeah like typically speaking I'll you know use all this logic and kind of the things that I apply to my job to kind of like you know reinforce this belief belief.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, let's maybe we can use logic to your benefit.
I think logic is going to help us today, but I hear what you're saying. Okay.

Speaker 1 You're just not, well, I'll use your first person. I'm just not good looking enough to approach and attract quality women because they all want really hot guys, physically hot guys.
Okay,

Speaker 1 here's what we're going to do. Here's a thought experiment.
Imagine you and I are in a courtroom

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I'm your co-counsel.

Speaker 1 I'm going to to help you. And you're the lead attorney.
And I want you to imagine you're standing in front of a jury. And you're going to make your case to the jury.
I mean, you can talk to me.

Speaker 1 You don't have to actually talk to a jury. Although you can.

Speaker 1 Basically, make your case to the jury that you are not good looking enough to approach and attract quality women. In other words, what is some of the evidence you have that this is true?

Speaker 1 And what are some justifications or stories you tell yourself to back this up? In other words, genuinely try to make your best case, convince the jury that you are just not good looking enough.

Speaker 1 What's the evidence? How do you justify it? And I'll help you as needed because I'm on your team.

Speaker 2 Man, okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm a little,

Speaker 2 hopefully this doesn't get too dark and depressing.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 it sounds like you're telling me don't hold back with kind of my viewer.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, I think basically, like, what I would say is, uh,

Speaker 2 yeah, I think more often than not, uh,

Speaker 2 people in the world are relatively looks matched, or on certain platforms, like online dating, like the women are, you know, typically more attractive. Um,

Speaker 2 you know, how you look can play a massive kind of role in the way you're treated. Like, I had this, um, my best friend in high school was

Speaker 2 tall, really good looking,

Speaker 2 and would just get hit on like all the time.

Speaker 2 Not like good looking in kind of the Brad Pitt way, but kind of like more of the tall, like shy guy

Speaker 2 type of way. And you know, throughout my life, I've kind of just seen the different ways that you're treated.
And when I'm out at night, there are times where these girls will come on to me.

Speaker 2 They're girls that I'm just not interested in at all.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 even like lesser attractive women do come up to you, but not the quality ones?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, I've like throughout my life, I've had interest, um, and

Speaker 2 it's pretty rare that the types of girls that express interest are the types of girls that I'm interested in.

Speaker 2 It's it's happened a few times, um, throughout my life, like is anomalies, like, oh, wow, like she's actually pretty cute. Um, but

Speaker 1 watch out then, let me ask you to stay focused and imagine you are talking to a jury. Be really, really efficient with your language and be really make your case.
Um,

Speaker 1 online dating is all about looks, That's one of your

Speaker 1 best friend got hit on a lot. He was a good looking guy.
Lesser girls come up to you. Great.
Keep going.

Speaker 1 What other evidence do you have that you are just not good looking enough to approach and attract quality women?

Speaker 2 Yeah, one of the things that I kind of do to like try to break this belief, and this just further reinforces my point, is I'll think,

Speaker 2 I'll see a guy that's kind of goofy looking and like, and I'll be like, oh, like, this is kind of proof that like looks don't entirely matter but then I'll just like realize like oh actually women find him incredibly attractive like if he had a Tinder profile he'd do really well

Speaker 2 so even though like even in those cases where you're like oh like you know this person's like unconventionally like or weird looking it still kind of further proves that oh yeah looks kind of matter a ton you know like um

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 uh you know just subtle body cues like if somebody's kind of like engaged with you and talking and smiling and like you know playing with their hair versus kind of looking around around or on their phone, and they're just like, Oh, like this weird dude just came up to me, he's like kind of beneath me and stuff.

Speaker 1 Is this first-hand experience of you experiencing that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've definitely experienced that with some like more attractive women, or like, you know, there are times where like I'd be like, kind of be like, oh, maybe I'm treated in like a bit of a different way than this, like, you know, gorgeous person.

Speaker 1 These are women you've approached.

Speaker 1 Get specific. Remember, you're talking to the jury.
We got to make a real strong case here.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I think I would say so

Speaker 1 ladies and gentlemen of the jury here is proof that I am quasimodo to quality women

Speaker 2 yeah um so

Speaker 2 like uh

Speaker 2 I remember like in high school like with my like really good-looking friends um there'd be girls where like you know we'd both be snapchatting them and she would disappear like or just not respond and she'd be sending him like nudes out of the blue and stuff and I'm like all right like there's a massive

Speaker 2 you know like you know not saying a word to her or just like there's a massive kind of difference. Like, he's just getting these opportunities by existing, basically, without any sense of games.

Speaker 1 So you're going to Snapchat for your evidence.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm going to that. I'm also like, sometimes like in the bar or the club, like I had a moment,

Speaker 2 I've had a few like kind of like blowouts or rejections. Like,

Speaker 2 and, you know, sometimes I'm like, this is entirely look space. Like, you know, recently I was out at the.

Speaker 2 the bar and there's this girl and she didn't want to dance with me and my friends ended up dancing and making out with her so i'm like you know uh she probably more is

Speaker 2 physically attracted to him.

Speaker 1 Um, okay, so you saw her, she rejected you, a different guy was making out with her. Did you feel that guy was better looking than you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, definitely.

Speaker 1 Um, okay,

Speaker 2 and yeah, I would also say, like, um,

Speaker 2 the other thing that I'll see that really reinforces this is there's like

Speaker 2 This is, this is kind of depressing. Um, so it's hard for me to like fully buy into this.

Speaker 2 But, um, yeah, the other thing that I see is I'll go on like these, like I'll look at this dating stuff sometime, like these shows. There's like, you know, these things online.

Speaker 2 There's like a show called Updating or these like various things.

Speaker 2 And like so much of the time, like, I feel like especially with these young, like, really attractive women, it basically comes, at least in these more like bar-like type of situations.

Speaker 2 But also, you know, in everyday life,

Speaker 2 it just comes down to looks.

Speaker 2 Like, you'll see these people kind of set up on a blind date and then the blindfolds will come off and, you know, they'll want the really good-looking guys like kind of regardless of how their personalities um combine or you know media and stuff like a lot of it will come down to the decision for yeah that's that's the evidence i would support okay is there anything we left out that is a really strong piece of evidence or is this your strongest case right now

Speaker 2 I think it's rare that firsthand I've seen somebody that has a ton of struggle in online dating in terms of situations where like you would show a picture of them, and girls would say, Oh, you jump in as your co-counsel because I don't want the judge to yell at you.

Speaker 1 To remind you, your belief is not about online dating, it's about approaching and attracting quality women. So, try to stick to that.

Speaker 1 We want to get real narrowly focused here

Speaker 1 because your belief is not, oh, well, I suck on the apps because I'm unattractive. That would be a different belief.
When flipping a limiting belief, we want to try to stick to the

Speaker 1 core narrative and evidence that supports that. So let's stick to approaching,

Speaker 1 if you would, for any more evidence you have, if you have any.

Speaker 2 I think various situations. So yeah, there's the bar situations.
There's...

Speaker 2 Yeah, various times where kind of I've been rejected and I've seen the girl like go and like make out with another dude or dance with him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like the blowout make out with the other dude story.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a pretty, I mean, like it,

Speaker 2 there's, you know, other stories like that, but that's kind of a great idea.

Speaker 1 Got it. Let me ask you some questions to help you, I hope, because I'm your co-counsel.
I want to help you make the best case possible.

Speaker 1 So you are just not good-looking enough to approach and attract quality women. Okay.

Speaker 1 How many attractive women who you've approached have said to you explicitly,

Speaker 1 sorry,

Speaker 1 you're just not handsome or attractive enough?

Speaker 1 not a ton um ballpark number how many have said it

Speaker 2 very

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 in a day situation honestly i don't know if anyone said it i have gotten blowouts where like like even like a few days ago this girl kind of gave me like a disgusted like type of look um but she didn't say anything um i think it at night i've had um

Speaker 1 how many women have said um i'm not interested you're not attractive enough or or or used a work clear clear word that referred to your looks.

Speaker 1 Remember, we're talking to a jury. We got to bring the evidence.

Speaker 1 I assume it's happened a dozen or so times because this is your core belief.

Speaker 2 I would say maybe like

Speaker 2 that includes if a girl's like, oh yeah, like I'm not attracted to like short guys or stuff, or I'm not attracted to like bald.

Speaker 2 Like if a girl says something like that, like that, we're counting that as evidence.

Speaker 1 Anything that's looks related. You're not good looking enough.
So something about your looks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would say like probably a dozen times. Not like to me, like, um, to me personally, though, like, I mean, because again,

Speaker 1 yeah, to you personally.

Speaker 2 Like, you're not.

Speaker 1 How many times has a woman said explicitly, sorry, you're just not. Like, I had a woman once look at me and go, you're too old.
No, thanks.

Speaker 1 That's evidence that I could have used at that time to say, I'm too old to approach women.

Speaker 1 So, I'm looking, how many women have said clearly with clear language, you are not good-looking or attractive enough?

Speaker 2 Maybe 10. 10 times, okay, a dozen times, a dozen times.

Speaker 1 Give me one of those stories, please. Give me that example.

Speaker 1 Um, what exactly did a woman say? Where were you? Give me a real quick story.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to uh

Speaker 1 not, I'm not saying how many times did you feel that was the reason.

Speaker 1 I want the actual, like, if she were to appear in court with us, she would have to testify under oath that she said you were not attractive to you. I want it to be that specific, like to my face.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 1 if it's happened 12 times, I assume you have a story ready to throw at the jury.

Speaker 2 I think,

Speaker 2 yeah, man, my case maybe isn't

Speaker 2 solid in terms of this, but I think just like, okay, there was,

Speaker 2 yeah, there was a time where a girl basically

Speaker 2 said like, yeah, you're

Speaker 2 she was like, oh, you're really sweet. Like, I'm like, you're a bit too short for me.

Speaker 1 That's different than looks. Height is a different one.
We could tackle that too separately, but we're talking about looks.

Speaker 1 The not having the Brad Pitt looks, not good looking enough. We'll throw Bald in there.
We'll throw that into looks.

Speaker 1 So, how many women have said, Ew, get away, Baldy? Or, no, thanks. You're

Speaker 1 you're you're you're not attractive. I want, I'm talking specific language.

Speaker 2 Very, I would not say I would modify my original estimate. I mean, I want to say more.
And I feel like a lot of it is more sub.

Speaker 1 How many women have said it to you? You have to pick a number if you would.

Speaker 2 I can't remember any. Like, right now, I can't remember any, actually.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 So, zero women have said you're not good looking enough with those words.

Speaker 2 With those words, I would say zero, actually.

Speaker 1 Oh. Okay.

Speaker 1 Just wanted to make sure I knew the number. So if there was a big number, we could use that.
But it sounds like we can't use that. Because we're on, you know, we're in a core.

Speaker 1 We got to tell the truth, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I kind of can't. I mean,

Speaker 2 verbatim, it's pretty difficult to remember like those exact words. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Fair enough.

Speaker 1 All right. Maybe they didn't say,

Speaker 1 you're ugly. But how many of them said,

Speaker 1 I don't date ball guys.

Speaker 1 Or,

Speaker 1 sorry, I, you know, you're just like, I want somebody who's handsomer. Anything like that?

Speaker 1 They've clear language, I'm talking, not vibe, not you interpreting it that way, but clear language that women have said to you in an approaching situation.

Speaker 2 I don't really think there, nothing comes to mind.

Speaker 2 I'm sure there are times because I've done approaching, and I, you know, again, more it's like a vibe thing, but in terms of explicit like saying that, like, I,

Speaker 1 yeah, I don't, yeah, think so.

Speaker 2 Got it.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. Next question.

Speaker 1 The next question is,

Speaker 1 how does this,

Speaker 1 when you feel this way,

Speaker 1 give me a quick brainstorm of how it feels to,

Speaker 1 when you're really sucked into that, what I call that lower self mindset, how does it, how do you feel about yourself when you are feeling,

Speaker 1 you know, unattractive or sorry, yeah, physically unattractive when you see other guys with hot girls. Yeah, give me a little,

Speaker 1 if you don't mind being a bit vulnerable,

Speaker 1 give me a little

Speaker 1 brainstorm of how it feels when you, especially in those lower moments.

Speaker 2 Yeah, basically, I mean, lowest moments.

Speaker 2 I think like kind of worst case of everything situation is like I'm out at night, like I'm a little drunk, which, you know, and I'm already like a pretty anxious wreck and not feeling good about myself.

Speaker 2 I'm like, damn, like, I just got like a ton of blowouts. Like, these girls are, you know, making out and dancing with other guys.

Speaker 2 She kind of gives me that disgusted vibe when I'm talking to her and stuff. There's just like no way that this is gonna work out.
And maybe it's not explicit.

Speaker 2 Like, this is probably, it's, it's tough if I'm presenting this to the jury.

Speaker 2 Like, maybe it's not explicit, but my evidence is she rejected me and then she came on to somebody else in a very like, you know, romantic.

Speaker 1 We're moving away from the evidence part.

Speaker 1 Now we're talking about how this belief makes you feel about yourself or how you feel about yourself in these, in the context of approaching and seeing other guys succeed and you fail.

Speaker 1 I'll use myself as an example. If I was asking myself, my

Speaker 1 15 years ago self, I would say, oh, well, I feel like this beta male who can't attract a woman. I can't approach confidently.
I feel

Speaker 1 unattractive like shit. I feel small and unworthy.
I feel like I have limited options. I compare myself to other guys and I'm like, oh, why can't I be like those guys? Basically, I feel sad and stuck.

Speaker 1 That's how I felt 15 years ago with my belief at the time. That's mine.
You don't need to use mine.

Speaker 1 But through that lens, how do you feel when you really get sucked into that feeling of, oh man, I'm just not good-looking enough for these girls?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's similar. I mean, like, also, you know, compare some of others, like, oh, like, I'm just, you know, not attractive enough.

Speaker 2 I'm not, I don't measure up to some of these other good-looking guys that just, you know, objectively are like just more

Speaker 2 attractive than I am.

Speaker 2 Like, I feel like shit, you know, there's no point in approaching these girls that are out of my league.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it'd be kind of like that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you feel more attractive or less attractive when you're in that state?

Speaker 2 I feel less attractive, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Feel

Speaker 1 super confident, medium confidence, or low confidence?

Speaker 2 I feel like shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I feel very low confidence. Okay.
Yeah, terrible.

Speaker 1 I appreciate the honesty. I really do.
This is not easy stuff to talk about.

Speaker 1 Talking to me is a little like therapy sometimes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know I'm giving off kind of a negative

Speaker 2 view as well.

Speaker 1 You're doing great. You're doing amazing.

Speaker 1 No, this is great. I mean, you're doing everything perfectly.
So I want to do one more. I'm going to do an exercise with you that will actually be the hardest part of this whole exercise.

Speaker 1 And it's going to hurt a little bit, but it's about to get a lot better. And it's going to feel amazing in about 15 or 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 So for the next two minutes would you do a little exercise with me that is gonna sting but it's coming from great intentions from me and love for you and me helping you you up for it yeah awesome cool i want you to do a little exercise with me um

Speaker 1 i want you to tap into how you feel when you're in that lower self state and let's do it let's get our physiology our bodies to help you do it. I'm going to do this with you.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to actually do this with you. I'm going to ask you to, are you seated right now?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Great.
Stay seated. And I want you to sit.

Speaker 1 Sit small. What I mean by that is I'm going to do this too.
Put your feet together, put your knees together,

Speaker 1 slump your shoulders a little bit. I don't know if you can see me on the screen, but I'm doing it.
Starting to. Slump your shoulders.

Speaker 1 And I want you to just allow your body to feel small, kind of beta,

Speaker 1 for lack of a better term.

Speaker 1 Are you doing it? Yeah. Yeah.
Slump. Okay.
Slump your shoulders.

Speaker 1 Slump your shoulders a bit. Feel free to drop your head, but so that we can still hear you, of course.

Speaker 1 And so for the next 60 or 90 seconds, I'm going to ask you to stay in that physical space, a physical position.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to say some things. And all I'd like you to do is repeat everything I say.
But don't just repeat the words.

Speaker 1 I also want you to echo and mirror the tone of my voice, the emotions I use, and really just mirror everything I say and do, okay?

Speaker 1 Okay, okay,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 again, this won't feel good, but it'll feel a lot better shortly. So, here we go.
I'll count down,

Speaker 1 start repeat everything I say and do, starting three,

Speaker 1 two.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, sorry, also, any noises I make, just basically be my mirror. Okay,

Speaker 1 here we go: three,

Speaker 1 two,

Speaker 1 one.

Speaker 1 I am just not good looking enough to approach really quality girls.

Speaker 2 I'm just not good looking enough to approach really quality girls.

Speaker 1 Other guys are so much better looking than me.

Speaker 2 Other guys are much better looking than me.

Speaker 1 Why even bother approaching? It won't work.

Speaker 2 Why even bother approaching? It won't work.

Speaker 1 I get lesser girls into me, but not hot girls.

Speaker 2 I get lesser girls into me, but I can't get hot girls.

Speaker 1 I saw my friend make out with the girl who rejected me. Fucking sucked.

Speaker 2 I saw my friend make out with a girl that rejected me, and that sucked.

Speaker 1 It's not fair.

Speaker 2 It's not fair.

Speaker 1 I feel like shit sometimes.

Speaker 2 I feel like shit sometimes.

Speaker 1 Really low.

Speaker 1 Really low.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm just a bald, average-looking guy who's going to have to settle.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm just a bald, average-looking guy that's going to have to settle for a...

Speaker 1 Connell means well, but

Speaker 1 nothing's going to help me. I'm stuck.

Speaker 2 Connell means well, but

Speaker 2 nothing's going to help. I'm stuck.

Speaker 1 I'm just not good-looking enough, and that's the reality.

Speaker 2 I'm just not good-looking enough. That's the reality.

Speaker 1 Okay, hold that body position for five more seconds.

Speaker 1 Just really feel it in your body and your mind.

Speaker 1 Now, right now, bro, on a scale of one to ten, ten being amazingly confident, positive, hopeful, one being low, negative, unattractive, stuck. What number are you at right now?

Speaker 2 Like a two.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Please return to a neutral position. Thank you so much for doing that.

Speaker 1 Okay. I did not make you feel like a two to be a jerk.

Speaker 1 I have good intentions. At a two,

Speaker 1 I wanted you to feel the consequence, the emotional consequence of your belief.

Speaker 1 I wanted you to feel how shitty it feels. I wanted you to feel how small it makes you feel.
And I wanted you to feel how

Speaker 1 stuck and kind of low and shitty. I wanted you to feel the emotional consequence.
Here's why I wanted you to feel that way. By the way, let me ask you this.

Speaker 1 Feeling it a two out of 10 right then and there, did you feel like it would be almost impossible to approach a woman in that state?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I have this feeling like quite a bit. I feel like embarrassed even, like I'll have this feeling.

Speaker 2 Even I was kind of trying to talk in this way, but sometimes I'll have these converts, like I'll kind of like have these things and I'll like almost feel like embarrassed to go out, or I'll be like, you know, I talk in this like quiet voice and like shifty eye contact, kind of that.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So when you're feeling in that state, does that state,

Speaker 1 is it possible or probable that that state stops you from going up to some pretty hot women?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, yes, I still sometimes kind of force myself to do it, but it kind of further reinforces like, or sometimes if I do that, I mean, mean, usually it doesn't go well, okay, or I just won't do it, you know, one of the two.

Speaker 1 Okay, is it fair to say that feeling it you're at a one or a two or a three out of ten, do you think that has kept you from approaching some beautiful women that you could have possibly succeeded with?

Speaker 2 I would argue I couldn't have succeeded with them, but yeah, um,

Speaker 1 has it kept you from even taking some chances? Yeah, yeah. Okay, has it cost you, has that feeling, that two out of ten feeling,

Speaker 1 you feel how it costs you confidence, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. Is it possible that it's cost you performance, that it's hurt your interactions with women?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 Is it possible that

Speaker 1 a lot of women

Speaker 1 may,

Speaker 1 is it possible that feeling at a two or three out of ten has

Speaker 1 interfered with you talking to girls, gotten in the way of being confident, getting in the zone, feeling good.

Speaker 2 In terms of going up, or in terms of actually talking?

Speaker 1 Actually, talking. Do you think women are attracted to a guy who feels like he's at a two or three out of ten the way you just felt?

Speaker 2 No, I definitely. I mean, if I'm already, you know, insecure about my looks and I'm telling myself that I'm shitty, it definitely makes everything worse, like 100%.

Speaker 1 Is it possible that you, at a two or three out of ten, has hurt your interactions and pushed away some women you've approached?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Does it affect your voice?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it affects my vibe.

Speaker 1 Does it affect your body posture? Does it affect your energy?

Speaker 2 It does.

Speaker 1 If you're at a two out of ten, are you going to be attractive to any women?

Speaker 2 Probably not. Maybe

Speaker 2 people that are, you know, like hitting on me, but even then, I mean, they probably will lose interest. So probably nobody, you know.

Speaker 1 Here's a question.

Speaker 1 Here's the big question.

Speaker 1 And really think about it before you answer. Is it possible,

Speaker 1 maybe not 100% certain, but is it possible that this belief that sucked you down to a two out of 10, is it possible that that is hurting you just as much and maybe even more than your actual physical appearance with women?

Speaker 2 It's a really hard question to answer. I think that it's, I don't know about more than.
I definitely think it hurts. And I definitely think it makes a bad situation worse.
100%.

Speaker 2 I don't know, I don't know if I agree that it hurts.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's kind of hard to quantify like one versus the other, but yeah, I don't think if I start, you know, being magically amazing like overnight, I'm going to be sleeping with like models or anything.

Speaker 1 So I didn't ask you that, but is it possible that a lot of women, do you think a lot of women would be repelled by a guy who's at a two out of ten?

Speaker 2 Oh, a hundred percent.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think so. So this belief is making some women repelled by you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I agree with that. Yep.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 There you go. Here's my suggestion to you.
Let me break out of character here and just give you some straight coaching truth before we finish up the exercise and get to some really fun stuff.

Speaker 1 The hard part is over, I promise.

Speaker 1 I've been doing this for 15 years, approaching and working on my dating life for 20 years.

Speaker 1 Different women have different blueprints for what they're attracted to. Plenty of women want super hot, handsome, attractive guys.
I'm not going to pretend they don't.

Speaker 1 Some of them could give two shits.

Speaker 1 Look at Tina Faye's husband. Look at Lyle Lovett, who married Julia Roberts.
Look at Chris Davidson.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry,

Speaker 1 Chris Davidson? Pete Davidson.

Speaker 1 What is it? Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson.
Sorry. Yeah, look at Pete Davidson and every woman he's ever dated.

Speaker 1 Some women want really hot guys. Some women, it's optional.
Some women don't really care.

Speaker 1 But I would say every quality woman, pretty much, wants a man with a lot of self-confidence and belief in himself.

Speaker 1 And if you are at a two or three out of 10, hell, if you're not at a seven or eight out of 10 or higher in terms of your state and confidence, you walk up and approach a woman, they're going to smell that self-doubt on you like body odor

Speaker 1 or like too much cologne. So I'm not saying your looks are completely irrelevant.
People have eyes. They look at a man and make a decision.
But

Speaker 1 if there's one one thing that pretty much every quality woman wants, it's a guy with a lot of self-confidence in himself. That swagger.

Speaker 1 And your belief, do you see how your belief is robbing you of swagger or confidence?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think I'm not even

Speaker 2 giving myself the opportunity to.

Speaker 1 Like, again, like, if this is a gray zone, like maybe there's some women that regardless won't be interested, like with perfect confidence, but even the ones that would be, like, I'm kind of robbing myself of that opportunity even the ones that exactly give me a chance totally so would you agree that this belief is contributing to your struggles because even for women who'd be open to dating a man who is looks like you for whatever that might mean to her um if you're at a two or a three what what woman would want to date that guy be tough yes right yeah yep 100 i i agree with that um

Speaker 1 So let's do a little recap of what your belief is costing you. It's costing you good emotions.

Speaker 1 It's costing you, you went down to a two out of 10. I mean, people,

Speaker 1 not to get too dark here, but people get down to a one, two, three out of ten. That's when they start hurting themselves or give up or become depressed.

Speaker 1 And how could you possibly attract a woman in a social, complex, social dynamic situation like a bar? if you're at a one, two, three out of 10.

Speaker 1 Confidence is universally attractive to almost all women, and your belief is robbing you of yours.

Speaker 2 Could I share?

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think,

Speaker 2 and again, this is like a little

Speaker 2 vulnerable and personal, but I'll have these episodes like I've where I'm like completely

Speaker 2 Like I've had a few episodes in my life where I've completely hit rock bottom and I've like kind of

Speaker 2 ranted in front of

Speaker 2 like my

Speaker 2 parents or just in like hit completely low.

Speaker 2 And maybe those feelings that I'm saying, like I'm even like, you know, having those conversations or I'm on the phone and I'm like in this quiet voice because I feel like I can't say it.

Speaker 2 And then I'll like hear back, like, how are you, like, you're super depressed. You're talking to us right now.
Like, this is fucking like insane.

Speaker 2 Like, how are you expecting to go out and like date a girl or have success when you're literally like doing this? When you're literally like

Speaker 2 depressed and like having these like breakdowns in front of others, and you know, like, so like having this whole side of you that you literally are like basically hiding from, like, you're, you know, having these breakdowns in front of us, and then meanwhile, you're going out that night and just hanging out with your friends.

Speaker 2 Like, it's ridiculous to think that, you know, you like having this breakdown and talking to us, and then you going out with your friends to the bar that night, that like, that's just gonna,

Speaker 2 you can, like, basically compartmentalize like those, those two things. Like, that's not how it works.
That's, yeah.

Speaker 1 one of my old coach one of my first my very first coach

Speaker 1 used to say a guy named owen cook who really taught me a lot

Speaker 1 he used to say probably still does say the true self is always shining through

Speaker 1 yeah how you feel about yourself your emotions your authentic you and your beliefs about yourself we're always shining those out into the world for better or worse And that's why we're having this coaching session first before we talk about the mechanics and the how-to,

Speaker 1 because with approaching women, 80% of your success is going to come from your confidence, your mindset, your good state, because we want to transfer fun, confidence, authenticity, and just good mojo toward women.

Speaker 1 And they're so wonderfully forgiving about things like height and looks and how much hair you have if you're making her feel the feels.

Speaker 1 It's hard to do that if you're battling some real deep, you know, emotional issues, deep self-doubt, breakdowns, depression.

Speaker 1 Not saying it's impossible, but boy, it's tough because that stuff's going to be shining out of you. Not shining, but reflecting.

Speaker 1 You're approaching success and you're dating success in general, but you're approaching success is like a mirror.

Speaker 1 It's reflecting back to you your beliefs about yourself and also where you are in terms of your mindset. And we know where your beliefs are.

Speaker 1 Your beliefs are, I'm not good looking enough to approach and attract quality women. And

Speaker 1 it's bringing you down to a two.

Speaker 1 Do women want a date a two?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, they, they definitely don't.

Speaker 1 But I've been out with guys who look like, maybe not literally, Brad Pitt, but who are tall, handsome, model hot dudes, but they're cowering in the corner. They're kind of in their heads.

Speaker 1 Women don't want them either. They might look pretty to them, to the women, but she doesn't want that guy.

Speaker 1 Not, at least not the way in the state he's in. So

Speaker 1 the reason why I wanted to make you feel it too is just before we can get a real nasty belief out of our mindset, first we just have to see the cost of it. It's costing you action.

Speaker 1 It's costing you approaches. It's certainly costing you emotionally.
It might have cost you sex, girlfriends, love.

Speaker 1 In fact, I'm sure it has. It's hypothetical, sliding door situation.
We'll never know for sure, but I believe it has.

Speaker 1 I believe the belief itself is hurting you more than the actual symmetrical shape of your face and hair.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying your looks are irrelevant. I'm saying your belief is making it so much more important than it actually is.
And it's tearing you down.

Speaker 1 And so we just have to see the cost and the consequences of something before we change it. Make sense before we move on?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think

Speaker 1 I had to do this two years ago. I had to do this with myself in a certain way.
I had to see the cost and the consequences of my drinking. I was drinking whiskey,

Speaker 1 a quart of whiskey a month, and

Speaker 1 drinking six days a week. And it was taking a toll.
I looked in the mirror. I was 25 pounds overweight.
I was having erectile dysfunction. A beautiful, incredible girlfriend.

Speaker 1 I'll check with her and make sure she's okay with me saying this. But I was having erectile dysfunction.
I wasn't pleasing her.

Speaker 1 Because of the booze in my system,

Speaker 1 I just looked bloated in the mirror. I had to to stand in front of the mirror and notice the costs and consequences of my behavior.

Speaker 1 More behavior-based than belief-based, but basically I believed I needed whiskey to be happy. So I had to see the cost before I said, this stops now.

Speaker 1 Are you ready to say this stops now in terms of this bullshit belief that's been

Speaker 1 fucking with you, turning you into a two?

Speaker 2 I would love that.

Speaker 1 Very cool.

Speaker 1 Let's do it. Stops right now.
Let's do it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's go back to the courtroom.

Speaker 1 This is going to be more fun, though. Have you ever seen

Speaker 1 a courtroom movie or a TV show like A Few Good Men or any TV show where

Speaker 1 the cross-examining attorney interrogates the witness and the witness just like crumbles on the stand and says, I did it. I'm the murderer.
Have you ever seen a movie like that or a TV show?

Speaker 2 Where the

Speaker 1 there's wait. Have you ever seen a movie where an attorney just like destroys the witness on the witness stand?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've um yeah, I've seen that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 What's that movie with Joe Pesci?

Speaker 1 My cousin Vinny. One of my favorite movies.
Yeah, my cousin Vinny, yeah. That's one of my favorite movies.
Cool.

Speaker 1 I love that reference. My mind goes to

Speaker 1 a few good men where Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson's on the stand, and Tom Cruise just destroys him. But I also love my cousin Vinny, where the the same thing happens.
So you get to be Joe Pesci.

Speaker 1 I guess that makes me Marissa Tomei. Great.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't mind.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I wouldn't mind that.

Speaker 1 I'm Marissa Tomei. I don't look like her, unfortunately, but for you.
But okay, let's go back to the courtroom. Here's our little thought experiment.
We're back in the courtroom.

Speaker 1 Sitting in the witness stand is your old belief.

Speaker 1 Your old belief, again, I'll say it one last time. I'm just not good looking enough to approach and attract quality women because that's they want they all want hot guys.

Speaker 1 Imagine that that's the witness. You're going to cross-examine the witness and you're going to ask questions that are going to poke holes in the witness's story.
Here's how you're going to do it.

Speaker 1 And I'll help you, of course. Think through, think this way.
What is some counter evidence that's completely the opposite of your old current belief? Or what are some holes in the story?

Speaker 1 What's some nuance?

Speaker 1 Another way to think about it is, are you 100% sure this is 100%

Speaker 1 true all the time?

Speaker 1 Basically, imagine you are a highly paid attorney, and your job for the next couple of minutes, with my help, is to find counter evidence or poke some holes in the story.

Speaker 1 And even if you don't believe the line of questioning, just like a high-paid attorney, you've got to do the job, whether you think the guy's innocent or guilty, right?

Speaker 1 So please take that mindset of counter evidence, tearing down the stories.

Speaker 1 I'll help you in a second, but as needed, but I'll ask you to start.

Speaker 1 What are some holes in the story or what's some counter evidence that your old belief is either false or maybe it's just nuanced and much more of a gray area?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've actually thought about this a lot on my own. And sometimes I'll have these, like, I'll try to like play the role in my own life of kind of that attorney.
Then I won't believe it.

Speaker 2 And on my worst days, I'll

Speaker 2 try to like argue with the attorney, basically. But I actually have thought about some of the kind of counter-arguments.

Speaker 1 You've done some homework already. Take it away.
The courtroom floor is yours.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And again, like, I think it's, you know, I don't necessarily agree with 100% of it, but I think one of the arguments I would make is like

Speaker 2 the guy that Selena Gomez is dating right now

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 not very attractive.

Speaker 2 And like, sure, you could make, like, at least I'm like seeing a photo of him, and I'm like, oh, like, I don't, like, necessarily think he's good-looking, but maybe, like, you know, on Tinder, you get swipes.

Speaker 2 But then I, like, I went on to Reddit. Like, I was like, like, you know, like, because a lot of women are like, how the hell is he dating this guy? And, like, how would you rate this guy?

Speaker 2 And a lot of women are saying, like, two out of ten, like, three out of ten, you know? Um, one out of ten, like, and he's, um, he dated a model before her and stuff.

Speaker 2 So, like, I think maybe if he was just a photo of him with no

Speaker 2 context, like, women wouldn't necessarily be turned on by him.

Speaker 1 Hold on, I'm looking him up right now.

Speaker 1 I have not seen him. Hold on.
Selena Gomez's boyfriend.

Speaker 1 Oh, geez.

Speaker 1 You're not kidding.

Speaker 1 He looks like

Speaker 1 just a dude with just a regular dude. Like a five if I'm going to put a number on him.

Speaker 1 Interesting. That's That's great.
I didn't even know about this. All right.
Exhibit A. Selena Gomez's boyfriend is at Vesta 5.
Keep going. What other counter evidence do you have?

Speaker 1 Or holes in the story?

Speaker 2 I think I've seen

Speaker 2 comments.

Speaker 2 I'll see like in a,

Speaker 2 oh my gosh. All right.
I'm not going to like qualify or try to.

Speaker 1 You're being paid.

Speaker 1 What's an attorney make? $2,000 an hour.

Speaker 2 Okay. yeah.

Speaker 2 I would say

Speaker 1 there are these...

Speaker 2 He has evidence. I've

Speaker 2 seen examples on

Speaker 2 YouTube where there's these... Like another example is like Travis Barker.
He has head tattoo and stuff, kind of a strange looking guy. And I'll see these comments for him and for Selena Gomez.

Speaker 2 Like, oh, I didn't see what.

Speaker 2 Like these YouTube comments where women will say like, oh, I didn't really see at first like what was special about him but after watching this video of him talk like i really like see it now i see what she sees in him what does she see in him do you think

Speaker 2 just like their personality or getting after a video to

Speaker 2 you know get to know them they'll see like um

Speaker 2 they'll see like oh like i i actually do um

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would, they're saying, like, basically, I'm not like attracted to him at first, but after listening to a video of him, like, I basically see why,

Speaker 2 like, I get it, basically. Like, I

Speaker 1 let's call Selena's boyfriend a five. What would you call Travis Barker physically? His physical attractiveness.

Speaker 2 He has kind of a weird, maybe five at best or something.

Speaker 1 Okay. I don't know.
So if these guys are both fives, does that mean that Selena and Travis's woman respectively see other value in them?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I would

Speaker 2 say so. And even in a lot of these, Jay-Z and Beyonce is another one.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's like I've actually even heard for Beyonce, like, I again, like, you know, I've done my research and tried to find counter-arguments, and I've even seen things where Beyonce said, like, in an interview, like, oh, I would, like, basically, like, her friends, and everyone was saying, like, at first, like, oh, she wasn't into him, like, she just saw him, she's like, Yeah, I'm not into him, and stuff.

Speaker 2 And obviously, like, they ended up getting married.

Speaker 1 So, if Jay-Z and Travis and Selena's dude are all five, six, in terms of pure physical attractiveness, yet they're with incredibly beautiful, high-status women. What does that say about

Speaker 1 your universal rule about what women want in a man?

Speaker 2 There's holes there for sure.

Speaker 1 What is the hole?

Speaker 2 That these guys,

Speaker 2 maybe if you just saw a picture of them facially with no other context,

Speaker 2 these women would not be attracted to them.

Speaker 1 Is it possible that, does this mean that not every single quality woman

Speaker 1 needs a physically attractive model caliber guy

Speaker 2 yeah i would uh

Speaker 2 yeah definitely i mean this is counter evidence

Speaker 1 okay great now let's get away from those are those are great starting points however they are secondhand they're other people um maybe there's something in your life or back background that we can look at i don't know i don't know you that well.

Speaker 1 But let me ask you this question. A little sidebar, attorney to attorney.

Speaker 1 Who is the most attractive woman? You don't need to name her or anything, but

Speaker 1 describe or give a name. You can give a fake name if you want.
Who is the most attractive woman you've ever had any kind of romantic success with? A kiss, sex, girlfriend, any kind of romantic win.

Speaker 1 Who's the most attractive woman you've ever dated or had some kind of romantic win with?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's two that come to mind.

Speaker 2 There was this girl in

Speaker 2 Chicago, and we went out and

Speaker 2 I kissed her, and that was, yeah, then she disappeared after. But

Speaker 2 she was like, I remember showing up on the date, and she was like

Speaker 2 dressed up, and I was like, holy shit, like, this girl is really attractive.

Speaker 1 On your one to ten scale, what number was she?

Speaker 2 Like a nine.

Speaker 1 All right. So you kissed a nine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 so you were attractive enough to attract her.

Speaker 1 You attracted her, right? She kissed you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so she's a nine and she was attracted to you.

Speaker 1 Yeah?

Speaker 2 Somewhat.

Speaker 2 I don't know how much, somewhat at least.

Speaker 1 Remember, you're in a courtroom. Do your job.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. For this, yeah, yeah, she was.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's just real quick? Give me the other girl. You mentioned two girls.
Give me that little anecdote or reference.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was in.

Speaker 2 I was out of the country in Latin America recently, and there was this girl that I approached on the street that was,

Speaker 2 yeah, really nice body, like very attractive. And she showed up in like a pretty form-fitting like dress to like the date.
And I was like, holy crap, like this girl's pretty, pretty hot.

Speaker 1 She's what I call a wow girl. Basically, a wow girl is like your eight, nine, or ten.
Yeah, yeah. So she's a wow girl.

Speaker 1 And you approached her.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And had a date with her.

Speaker 1 Was there any physical contact? Any kissing? Any love in the night at all?

Speaker 2 There wasn't, no. It was,

Speaker 2 you know, I was kind of

Speaker 2 getting used to,

Speaker 2 I hadn't gone on a ton of dates before.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So let me just get this straight. So you approached a Latin American wow girl successfully and had a date with her.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I would say she was at least like somewhat like interested.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But I'm confused though, because you say you approached a beautiful Latin American WoW girl. You say you had a date in Chicago with a nine and you guys kissed.

Speaker 1 However, the belief that you have been running your dating life is that you're just not good looking enough to attract these kinds of women. So

Speaker 1 what are you lying about?

Speaker 1 These two things can't be both true at the same time, can they?

Speaker 2 No, I mean, unless you're like holding. I mean, you could say like it's all luck or whatever, but I mean, I don't necessarily think it's all luck if it happens a few times.

Speaker 1 You're not good-looking enough to attract quality women. That's the belief.
Yet, made out with Chicago girl, approached and attracted the Latin American girl, at least enough to have a date.

Speaker 1 Do you see how these things cannot both be true? Yeah, yep. Which is bullshit.

Speaker 1 Are you making up the two girls? Are they fiction?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're a figment of my imet.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I think the belief that I'm not attracted to have success with any attractive woman is

Speaker 2 not true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do you see how your belief is essentially painting all attractive women with a giant brush?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's definitely not 100%. Yeah, it's not true.

Speaker 1 Right. I'm not saying there's no truth in it.
I'm saying looks are completely irrelevant to all women. I'm saying your belief is basically telling you, well, there's four billion women in the world.

Speaker 1 None of them, who at least who are quality, are going to want to be with me.

Speaker 1 But you got two references that counter that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I know you, I know they weren't your ex-girlfriends.
You didn't, you didn't have intimacy with them. But

Speaker 1 Yeah, are there any other first-hand experiences that could serve us here?

Speaker 1 If it's okay if the answer is no, but are there any other women who are like, you know, eights, nines, or tens who you've approached and at least, I don't know, had a good flirty conversation with or gotten a phone number from?

Speaker 2 Yeah, get numbers. I mean, again, like a lot of the time, like might not go anywhere.
But if I'm thinking like evidence, like

Speaker 1 great.

Speaker 2 Maybe,

Speaker 1 yeah, Yeah,

Speaker 2 like there was this time

Speaker 2 in college and again, like doesn't but yeah,

Speaker 2 there was I guess that would kind of be counter evidence

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would that would also be counter evidence like there was should I say

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 1 yeah, please

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean there was a time in college like there was

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was a girl on another sports team that was, you know, popular and like it kind of hooked up with a lot of the like pretty attractive like guys on my team and stuff.

Speaker 2 And they had kind of ignored me up until,

Speaker 2 and there was one night where she was kind of like flirting out of the blue and was like, yeah, saying super Ford and like flirty stuff.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 2 yeah, like she straight up like said, like, you're, you're attractive and stuff.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 So you've got zero women who have said, I don't want to date you, you're unattractive. But you do have a woman who called you attractive.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Isn't it interesting what the lower self focuses on?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's definitely

Speaker 2 depressing.

Speaker 1 What's depressing?

Speaker 2 That I just can't take it's depressing. I can't take any wins.
I mean, even at the point where I'm starting to, like recently, like starting to have

Speaker 2 success or the various like rare, I mean, times that I've had it, that I just can't let it, that I can't focus on those times. And I'm focusing instead on the that's cool.

Speaker 1 That's why we're talking to start you

Speaker 1 get, get, get the mindset and the confidence to a place where you do regularly focus on this. You're doing great, by the way.

Speaker 1 Here's our counter evidence: you got three really quality women, eights, nines, and tens, who have shown romantic interest in you.

Speaker 1 And that's exactly counter to your belief. You got Selena,

Speaker 1 Beyonce, Travis Barker's woman. Clearly, these women see value in these guys that aren't about their looks, right?

Speaker 1 Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you a couple more questions.

Speaker 1 Are you 100% certain? This is me helping you talk to the witness, basically. Are you 100% certain that this belief that

Speaker 1 you're not good looking enough to approach and attract women, is it 100% true 100% of the time with every woman?

Speaker 2 I'm not 100% certain.

Speaker 1 No, we already know it's not because, at the very least, Latin American girl you approached.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And again, echoing back to an important point from a few minutes ago, is it possible that some of the women who you have approached and maybe they blew you off and went with some other guy?

Speaker 1 Maybe that two out of ten state,

Speaker 1 That depressed lower self is what she wasn't drawn to and it wasn't about your looks. Is that possible?

Speaker 2 Yeah, especially with a girl's like, if I'm not getting

Speaker 2 like maybe a girl, like there's a possibility, but she's not like

Speaker 2 if a girl's like, you know, smiling and like right off the bat, I'm like, all right, then, you know,

Speaker 2 but if a girl is

Speaker 2 maybe in more of that gray area, where maybe at first she doesn't do it, and then I have to kind of work for it a bit, like maybe in those situations,

Speaker 2 there is a bit of a possibility that maybe if I had worked for it and had self-esteem, maybe she didn't like notice me.

Speaker 2 And she's like, oh, this like super attractive guy came up, but I could have potentially won her over if I had been confident.

Speaker 1 Is it possible that maybe there's some holes in your game? Some escalation moves, some flirting moves that you don't know how to use yet.

Speaker 1 Maybe could that have cost you with some of these approaches or some of these women?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would say so.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it possible that you've misinterpreted a lot of your quote failures and put it on the whole, I'm not good looking enough, because that's just how your brain interpreted it, but there was a misinterpretation.

Speaker 2 I would say some of them. Yeah, some of them.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 1 That's great to understand or to know that.

Speaker 1 Also, your evidence about approaching,

Speaker 1 that I asked you or that we did earlier, the statement to the jury. I mean, look at your support for it.
It was all from these other areas. Don't have anything to do with approaching, most of it.

Speaker 1 Online dating is about looks. That's not really

Speaker 1 what we're talking about here.

Speaker 1 My best friend gets hit on, I don't.

Speaker 1 The Snapchat situation. Do you see how you

Speaker 1 are

Speaker 1 interpreting a lot of quote-unquote failures and putting it all in your looks?

Speaker 1 At least some of the time.

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 1 so many times you've said early on you're like oh it's a vibe i can just tell it's a vibe

Speaker 2 yeah i think um

Speaker 1 stay in character we're in court

Speaker 1 i'm playing the role of the uh well don't no big deal i just don't want you to push back on this because we really need to to i'm not saying i want you to believe something that you don't yet fully believe but um

Speaker 1 think of think of your belief as this lens and our brains crave certainty. Our brains need to

Speaker 1 make sense of the world. It's a core human need.

Speaker 1 You check out Tony Robbins' six human needs TED Talk. It's really fascinating.
We all try to make sense of how the world works.

Speaker 1 And what I'm seeing here is you've had all these dating setbacks, and your brain's like, well, I got to make sense of it somehow. I guess it must be that.

Speaker 1 I'm just not good-looking enough. And there's probably some women who you weren't their type physically, but so many women are open to dating a guy who's not six foot three and Hollywood handsome.

Speaker 1 But because your emotions are in such a low, shitty place, and because there's some holes in your game, I think that you've been analyzing everything through this belief and going, oh, well, that's why, clearly, because your brain wants that kind of certainty.

Speaker 1 So many times your evidence was, it's a vibe.

Speaker 1 But zero women have said, go away, ugly.

Speaker 1 I've literally had women say, go away, old man. So I have some evidence that I'm too old for some women.

Speaker 1 Here's a big question. Is it possible, bro?

Speaker 1 Is it possible that there are plenty of women who don't want to date you because you're not their physical type, but that there is an abundance of women who are absolutely open to dating somebody like you?

Speaker 2 It's possible, yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because, hey,

Speaker 1 here's what here, let me kind of to be efficient here and move toward the wrap-up in a few minutes.

Speaker 1 Here's what's what's happening.

Speaker 1 You've got this core belief kind of how you see everything.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 what you probably don't fully, you probably intellectually know this, maybe you just don't feel it yet, is here's what, here's what every woman wants.

Speaker 1 Here's the big reveal. Here's what every woman wants.
They want a man. who brings value to her life.

Speaker 1 A man who can help her thrive and survive romantically and fulfill her needs as a woman romantically emotionally let's call that value what your belief is telling you is that every woman sees the most value in physical appearance

Speaker 1 yeah yep

Speaker 1 is the world that simple don't you think that a lot of women have different blueprints for what they want

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's there's more nuance, I would say.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll go one step farther. I think looks are incredibly overrated.

Speaker 1 Listen to the episode I did with Kezia, Noble, wonderful female dating coach a few episodes earlier. She's a beautiful woman.
She even said, eh, good looks will buy you two or three minutes, but

Speaker 1 it's not going to get me to go home with you. It's not going to get me to date you.
You got to bring a lot more to the table. So think of what women want as value.

Speaker 1 Women want a man who can bring value to her life. Every woman has her own unique blueprint for value.

Speaker 1 Selena Gomez must have a blueprint that does not make looks the most important thing, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So does the Chicago girl, at least for kissing you.

Speaker 1 So does the Latin American girl.

Speaker 1 By the way, I'm not like,

Speaker 1 I would say I'm probably a seven physically,

Speaker 1 physical seven. You know, I got a little bit of a tummy, no muscle to speak of.
I have a pretty nice face, I'm told, or handsome, some nice features, but I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm a seven if I'm a seven physically how have I dated models and dated literally hundreds of women

Speaker 2 yeah I'm you probably have I mean

Speaker 2 you probably have a lot going for you like other in other areas like what

Speaker 1 I'm fishing for a compliment now

Speaker 1 I'm not actually fishing for one, but I do want to hear what you think.

Speaker 1 Look, I'm, you know, one of the top 01% people in this area, and I've dated an insane number of gorgeous women, and I have my dream girlfriend, and I didn't do it with great looks.

Speaker 1 Women have never fanned themselves as I walk down the street.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying I'm ugly, but I'm certainly, you know, why is it that I've dated literally models and society nines and tens?

Speaker 1 What do they see in me maybe?

Speaker 2 Probably,

Speaker 2 I think charisma. I mean, even like from the conversation, you seem like you're a good conversationalist and you lead well as well.

Speaker 2 Like you, that's something that, yeah, like that's something as well that I'm like learning.

Speaker 2 If you can kind of lead and do all those things, and even like in the structure, you're like kind of leading the conversation and stuff.

Speaker 1 And that's, yeah, women love a man quality. Yeah, charisma is a nice bonus for a lot of women.
It's kind of like looks. It's not required, but it's a nice bonus for a lot of women.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty funny on my better days. A lot of women like witty, good conversationalists.
I'm a very good conversationalist at times.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would agree with that

Speaker 2 based on this conversation.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Again, I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm certainly not trying to impress anybody.
I want to impress upon the listener and you to say women just want a man of value.

Speaker 1 And every woman has a different blueprint for what that value is. And your blueprint has been, they all want the same thing.

Speaker 1 Use your logic. Is that a rational thing to think about all beautiful women?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 1 it's not.

Speaker 1 If it was, I could only date physical sevens, whatever that means.

Speaker 1 But I've dated some insanely beautiful women.

Speaker 2 Because they were like out of your, like more physically attractive. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 I have to work a little harder maybe than some guys. I can't do it with my muscles.
I can't do it with model looks, but if I can make a woman laugh, if I can, I'm incredibly great at flirting.

Speaker 1 I'm really good at emotional connection.

Speaker 1 Basically, I'm a man who's got his life together in a lot of ways.

Speaker 1 Women just want a guy who's got his life together and can make her feel good feelings and feel certain and safe that she's with a man of value.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's finish up here. So do you see

Speaker 1 Is it fair to say that there's some people, there might be a couple people in the jury who has some reasonable doubt?

Speaker 2 yeah I think if there was a especially if there's a group of people that don't have an agenda that like we're kind of viewing the situation neutrally

Speaker 2 yes because obviously you know a lot of people are stuck including me are you know stuck in your beliefs but if there was a neutral jury that like didn't have anything going into the court case then yeah some of them would be some there would it definitely wouldn't be a unanimous decision there'd be some like fair enough doubt yeah well it only takes one juror juror.

Speaker 2 Yep. Yeah.
It wouldn't be unanimous at all. 100%.

Speaker 1 Good to know. That's all we need for, that's all we need to begin the process of destroying this old belief is reasonable doubt.
Because you already know the cost and the consequences of this belief.

Speaker 1 It brings you down to a two, makes you feel like shit.

Speaker 1 Makes you feel like an anxious wreck. Do you want to keep feeling like an anxious wreck?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I want to give myself all the chances I can, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't don't think, is it fair to say you have never or rarely, if not ever, walked up to a gorgeous woman feeling like you're at a nine out of 10, just in the amazing zone?

Speaker 2 It's happened,

Speaker 2 but it's, yeah, it has happened, but it's definitely more rare.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So what we want to do is we want to put that guy. in charge of approaching women, to put this guy in charge of your dating life.
I call him the higher self.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 your old belief, last time I'll say it is, I'm just not good looking enough to approach and attract quality women. Let's write a new belief.

Speaker 1 And here's how it can be phrased. I like it to be kind of the mere opposite and have some supporting evidence that this new belief is true.

Speaker 1 So for example, my old belief was, oh, I'm just a nerdy, skinny ginger. I'm a seven.
And I'm also just kind of beta and nice. I'm too nice and nerdy and beta.

Speaker 1 Women don't want me to attract them, approach them.

Speaker 1 And then I saw the bullshit of that story and what it was costing me. My new belief became, you know what? I'm witty.
I'm funny. I'm pretty successful.
And a lot of, and I'm very intelligent.

Speaker 1 A lot of women love intelligent, witty men. And some women like gingers.

Speaker 1 And all of a sudden I realized, wow, not only does that new belief feel a lot better, but man, I went out and test drove it and found out it's actually true.

Speaker 1 And that's when some really good things started to happen. See chapter one of dating sucks, but you don't.

Speaker 1 So what new belief,

Speaker 1 what new belief might feel amazing if you had it? And here's a little cheat sheet. You could start it with the phrase, I am.
Like make it an identity statement.

Speaker 1 Like I am more than enough to attract some amazing women because X, Y, and Z. So you do need some supporting evidence, but I'll shut up now.
What are your thoughts on a new belief?

Speaker 2 Permission to butter myself up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, butter yourself up like a Christmas turkey.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would say

Speaker 2 I would say I'm a catch for a lot of women out there because I'm a good conversationalist. I'm emotionally intelligent.

Speaker 2 I have a good sense of humor and I have instincts around flirting, even if it's not polished.

Speaker 2 I have my life together, and I, you know, have a good job. I travel a lot, I'm athletic.
Um,

Speaker 2 I you're pretty fit, yeah,

Speaker 2 yep.

Speaker 1 Okay, got any abs, got any muscles people can see?

Speaker 2 I have a six-pack, yeah.

Speaker 1 You have a six-pack, yeah, dude. Talk about burying the lead,

Speaker 1 you have a six-pack. I don't have a six-pack, I have a two-leader.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 1 yeah, uh,

Speaker 2 I, I don't, you you know, like you said, I've learned this. I don't think muscles are the end-all.
Like, there's more to that.

Speaker 1 But,

Speaker 2 yeah, I would say that's, yeah, that's not even the main thing for me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think I

Speaker 1 dress well.

Speaker 2 I have friends, and I'm like pretty good at forming connections with people quickly.

Speaker 2 never had an issue making friends really quickly in new locations and it's different but at the same time like a lot of of the social ability

Speaker 2 can kind of carry over, especially when you kind of combine it with a good sense of humor.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 2 So I think there's some,

Speaker 1 yeah, I would, I would say, you're also into mountain biking and skiing. You're kind of, are you fair to say you're adventurous?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm a rugged outdoor adventure guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think naturally, and again, like this part of me is like suppressed when I get into that like other state, but I think I'm naturally pretty ballsy and like bold when I'm able to get into that state more, you know?

Speaker 1 Okay. Do a quick recap of some of the things you said.
I'm going to give you the six or seven things you said, and I want you to give me the three that feel the best to you. Okay.

Speaker 1 Make you go, fuck yeah, that sounds pretty good. You're emotionally intelligent.
You have a good sense of humor. You have a six-pack.
Awesome friends, awesome social circle.

Speaker 1 You're a rugged, outdoorsy guy who's into skiing and mountain biking. Adventurous, in other words, ballsy and bold.

Speaker 1 Of all the things I just said, what two or three things hit you the best and what made you go? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would say number one is like ballsy and bold because I like it.

Speaker 1 I like that too.

Speaker 1 I'm getting a little attracted to you.

Speaker 1 I don't usually say that on a first date with a man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go more complicated. Ballsy, bold? What else? You're crushing this.
This is great.

Speaker 2 I would say ballsy. Yeah, that's probably the first one.
I would say like good social instinct and ability to connect with people is probably number two.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 emotionally intelligent is probably number three.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 Do you think if I was in a room with a hundred women doing a poll and I said ladies put your hands up all of you single ladies Everybody here who would love to meet a man who is ballsy and bold, has a great, he's great at emotionally connecting.

Speaker 1 He's emotionally intelligent by the way he loves adventure and has a six pack how many ladies would be interested in hearing more i think a lot of hands would go up

Speaker 2 yeah um i

Speaker 2 definitely think it wouldn't hurt

Speaker 1 wow boy what a committed answer oh boy no it would be good of course yeah no no no

Speaker 2 i think like no i mean 100 like if i could embrace that and stuff like it would it would get my foot in the door 100 like if i would it would if i asked a rational

Speaker 2 a similar purpose.

Speaker 1 If I asked a guy who wasn't drowning in self-doubt, do you think a rational person would say, that sounds pretty good?

Speaker 1 I'm fucking with you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'll jump aside.
Do you feel like

Speaker 1 a lot of women want a guy who's good at emotionally connecting, ballsy and bold,

Speaker 1 has a six-pack? That's a nice bonus for some women. Is that a reasonable assumption?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a reasonable assumption. Definitely.

Speaker 1 cool so let's

Speaker 1 let's create this new belief let's get it into your system uh here's what we're gonna do we're gonna do the same exercise as before um except it's gonna be a a little bit a lot different actually it's gonna feel a lot better now it's gonna be a bit out of your comfort zone but it's gonna be in a positive way so i'm gonna ask you to stand up assuming you can still have you have headphones we can still hear you if you're standing up yep 100 i'm gonna ask you to stand up um i can't stand up with you because i gotta stay on this microphone here, but I'm going to do it while seated and I'm going to essentially do the same thing.

Speaker 1 By the way, I want you to, real quick, give yourself,

Speaker 1 I want you to give yourself what I call a higher self-name, like a superhero name that captures the essence of how you feel in some areas of life when you're at your best.

Speaker 1 So, for example, my higher self-name is Connell fucking Barrett. That's how I feel when I'm playing tennis or coaching or doing improv.
I have a client named William.

Speaker 1 He calls himself William the Conqueror.

Speaker 1 When he's in the zone at work, he's closing a deal. He's like a finance shark.
He is a motherfucking closer. He's like William just conquered.
So

Speaker 1 think for a quick 10-second exercise here. Think about how you feel when you are crushing it on a mountain bike.
or swooshing down the slope skiing or any other area of life.

Speaker 1 When you're in an amazing zone, what's a name you can give that version of Ryan?

Speaker 2 I like, yeah, I would say probably like

Speaker 2 Ryan Swagger, as I'm my last name, or Ryan the Bold.

Speaker 1 Let's go Ryan the Bold.

Speaker 1 I love it because that ties to Ballsy and Bold.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool. All right, stand up, please.
We're going to do the same exercise as before.

Speaker 1 This is going to feel a lot different and a lot better. So

Speaker 1 are you standing? Yep. Great.
I want you to stand in a specific way. Stand like Ryan the bold.

Speaker 1 Man spread. I want nice wide stance, athletic stance, okay?

Speaker 1 Stand up nice and tall. I want your back to feel like a steel rod.

Speaker 1 Yeah, steel rod, shoulders back. And by the way, before we do this, do something something with me here.
Let's just take a, you know, we've been talking for well over an hour now.

Speaker 1 Just do a little stretch with me. Just kind of literally stretch your arms, shoulders, get out of your, get out of your head a little bit, get into your body.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Take a couple deep breaths with me. Ready? One, two, three, inhale.

Speaker 1 Exhale. Oh, man, that feels good.
Just

Speaker 1 moving around a little bit and shaking my shoulders. One more inhale.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool. We want to get in our body here in a good way.
Okay. Are you standing tall? Nice wide stance? Cool.
Now for the next 60 seconds or so, say everything I say.

Speaker 1 Mirror me emotionally. And to the best of your ability,

Speaker 1 do everything I say and do. And

Speaker 1 I know you have people around you. Don't do anything that's going to get the cops called.
But at the same time, really commit to this because that's going to make it work really well. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go. Count down.

Speaker 1 Three, two,

Speaker 1 one.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 I am Ryan the bold.

Speaker 2 I'm Ryan the bold.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 I am Ryan. the ballsy and bold.

Speaker 2 Ryan the ballsy and bold.

Speaker 1 I am a great catch lots of attractive women.

Speaker 2 I'm a great catch to

Speaker 2 a lot of attractive women.

Speaker 1 Try not to laugh, okay? Try to really commit to this with your voice. You're doing great, but really try to mirror me.

Speaker 1 I'm not laughing, so don't you laugh, unless it's out of fun, not out of, this is awkward and weird, which is probably where it's coming from, okay? But you're doing great.

Speaker 1 I am Ryan the bold.

Speaker 2 I'm Ryan the bold.

Speaker 1 I am ballsy.

Speaker 2 I'm ballsy.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 a great sense of humor.

Speaker 2 I have a great... That's a swagger laugh, though.

Speaker 1 Good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Swagger laughs I like.

Speaker 2 I have a great sense of humor.

Speaker 1 I am very emotionally intelligent.

Speaker 2 I'm very emotionally intelligent.

Speaker 1 And a lot of attractive women love ballsy and bold men.

Speaker 2 A lot of really attractive women love ballsy and bold men.

Speaker 1 Lots of nines and tens love ballsy, bold men.

Speaker 2 Lots of tens love ballsy, bold men.

Speaker 1 The Chicago nine

Speaker 1 loved my ballsy side.

Speaker 2 The Chicago Nine loved my ballsy side.

Speaker 1 That's why she kissed me.

Speaker 2 Why she kissed me.

Speaker 1 The Latin American I approached loved my ballsy side.

Speaker 2 The Latin American girl I approached loved my ballsy side.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Selena Gomez would probably leave her man for me if she met me.

Speaker 1 Say it.

Speaker 2 I can't say this one without laughing, man.

Speaker 1 You can laugh laugh out of silliness. Just don't laugh out of self-consciousness, okay?

Speaker 2 Selena Gomez would

Speaker 2 leave her man if she saw me.

Speaker 2 Not if she saw me. She'd leave her man if she got to know me.

Speaker 1 Great, cool. Let's do it again.
I'm going to wrap everything up in a shorter sentence, okay? Repeat after me. I am Ryan the ballsy and bold.

Speaker 2 I'm Ryan the ballsy and bold.

Speaker 1 I have a six-pack.

Speaker 2 I have a six-pack.

Speaker 1 I am a rugged outdoor adventurer.

Speaker 2 I'm a rugged outdoor adventurer.

Speaker 1 And lots of women love guys like me.

Speaker 2 Lots of women love guys like me.

Speaker 1 Not all of them, but an abundance of them.

Speaker 2 Not all of them, but an abundance of them.

Speaker 1 Cool. Let's keep it going.
Repeat after me. I'm a great catch.

Speaker 2 I'm a great catch.

Speaker 1 I have a six-pack, unlike Connell, skinny fat Connell.

Speaker 2 I don't want to say it.

Speaker 1 I'm giving you permission to fuck with me. Say it.

Speaker 2 I have a six-pack,

Speaker 2 unlike Connell.

Speaker 1 I have an awesome social circle.

Speaker 2 I have an awesome social circle.

Speaker 1 I'm really good at emotionally connecting, and women love emotional connectors.

Speaker 2 I'm really good at emotionally connecting, and women love emotional connectors.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Did I mention I have a six-pack, ladies?

Speaker 2 Did I mention I have a six-pack?

Speaker 1 Cool.

Speaker 1 Great. Now let's do something fun.
This might scare you, but it shouldn't. Just for 10 seconds, I want you to go back to that lower self-state.

Speaker 1 I want you to literally put a finger in your nose, like the world's biggest dork in high school, and repeat after me, okay?

Speaker 1 Where,

Speaker 1 I'm not good-looking enough to approach women.

Speaker 2 I'm not good-looking enough to approach women.

Speaker 1 Where, I'm not a model, so I have to marry an inflatable woman. Whah.

Speaker 2 I'm not a model, so I have to marry some women I'm not attracted to.

Speaker 1 No girls like me, except the Chicago Nine.

Speaker 2 No girls like me, except that one girl.

Speaker 1 And the girl in Latin America.

Speaker 2 And the girl in Latin America.

Speaker 1 And all the phone numbers I got. Whah.

Speaker 2 And all the phone numbers I got. Wham.

Speaker 1 Okay, stand up tall again. Let's finish strong, okay? I really want you to commit to this with your voice and body.
I want you to be loud and silly and goofy.

Speaker 1 And I'm gonna do some character work here. I'm gonna use my voice in a silly way and really lean into it, okay?

Speaker 1 I am Ryan the bold.

Speaker 2 I'm Ryan the bold.

Speaker 1 I am deeply intelligent.

Speaker 2 I'm deeply intelligent and refined.

Speaker 1 I have a good sense of humor.

Speaker 2 I have a good sense of humor.

Speaker 1 Oh ladies, I have a six pack. Do you want a drink?

Speaker 2 Oh ladies, I got a six pack. You want to drink?

Speaker 1 And I have an awesome social circle, bitches.

Speaker 2 I got an awesome social circle, bitches.

Speaker 1 All right, let's finish strong. Do this as you.
Don't do voices. Don't even try to be like me.

Speaker 1 Just let this come from your soul, your heart, that side of you who comes out when you're skiing or mountain biking feeling amazing. Repeat after me.
I am Ryan the bold

Speaker 1 i'm ryan the bold i have so much value to give some amazing women i have so much value to give to some amazing women i'm ballsy i'm adventurous and i'm so good at emotionally connecting

Speaker 2 i'm ballsy i'm adventurous and i'm so good at emotionally connecting and with connell's help

Speaker 2 and with connell's help i'm gonna get devastatingly good at approaching and flirting and with connell's help i'm gonna get hella good at approaching and flirting.

Speaker 1 I got swagger, ladies.

Speaker 2 I got swagger.

Speaker 1 Watch out. Here comes ballsy bold Ryan.

Speaker 2 Watch out. Here comes ballsy bold Ryan.

Speaker 1 Let's finish with some falsetto. I am Ryan the bold motherfucker.

Speaker 2 I am Ryan the bold, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Motherfucker, here I come, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Go, say it. Motherfucker, here I come.

Speaker 1 Nice. Okay, right now, on a scale of one to 10, 10, one being shit on my shoe, 10 feeling like Ryan the fucking bold, what number are you right now? Like an eight, yeah.
You're at an eight right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Think about that.
You quadrupled your number from earlier. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not bad, eh?

Speaker 1 Eight. You're an eight out of ten right now.

Speaker 1 Right now, would it be much easier than it was before to go approach a total hottie?

Speaker 2 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you be more attractive to a woman, do you think, at least than you were before?

Speaker 2 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 Yeah, listen to your voice. Do you hear the change?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. You sound like a new man.
What did we do? All we did is,

Speaker 1 I'm talking the last five minutes. I don't mean the last 90 minutes, but all we did over the course of this coaching sesh is to get you from a two to an eight, we essentially changed your story.

Speaker 1 that limiting belief that was costing you so much and shifted your focus to something that feels so much better.

Speaker 1 And I think you at least want to believe it, even if you don't fully believe it, and that's okay. But the new story feels a lot better than the old one.
Would you agree?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it feels much better. And I hell yeah.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 2 I would love to believe that. Yeah,

Speaker 1 great. We change your story and we also change your physiology, your body.

Speaker 1 Motion is emotion. Forget who said that, but it's brilliant.

Speaker 1 You can change your state by using your body, standing tall. You stretched, you made some silly, did some silly voices.
You got out of your head and got into your body.

Speaker 1 And this new belief essentially reconnected you with a promise of the worth you have to women. And this is a new belief.

Speaker 1 And I want you to take this belief and think of this as like the emotional fuel cell or the

Speaker 1 engine for your dating life, your approaching life. Now, here's the thing about this new belief that we just wrote.
Hold on, let me pause for 10 seconds. I just have to text the guy.

Speaker 1 Hold on a second.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no problem. I also, my pods have kind of moved as well.

Speaker 1 Hang on. We're literally two minutes away from being done, but I got to send Daniel a message.
Hold on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one sec.

Speaker 1 Hey, Dan. I'm still on the podcast with our boy, quote-unquote, Ryan, aka Ethan.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 yeah, please do me a favor. Please text my two o'clock and tell him I'm so sorry I'm running late, but I'll call him by 2.15 Eastern.
Thank you so much for accommodating me, bro. Thanks.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Obviously, I'll cut all that out.

Speaker 1 You're back to?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope the audio has been decent.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Everything is awesome.
Everything is awesome. So back into character.
So you just wrote a brand new belief that is going to make it so much easier for you to approach women.

Speaker 1 By the way, the way you're feeling right now at a solid eight, do you feel how there's like kind of like an emotional kind of buzz, kind of like oomph coming off you? A little swagger?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I feel like I watch. I don't know if you watch like, you know, like Conor McGregor with the strut, like kind of the...

Speaker 1 I love it. Yeah.
Yeah. Maybe that's your new higher self name, Conor McGregor slash Ryan the Bold.

Speaker 1 But the reason why I mention that is right now, the way you feel right now, if you approached a woman this way, you would create a lot of attraction with a reasonable number of them. Here's why.

Speaker 1 Looks nice bonus. Good looks are like jacuzzis.

Speaker 1 Nice to have, but overrated. Women get tired of it.
They want to feel emotions. And you could walk up to a woman right now.

Speaker 1 And if you're in that eight out of 10 state, a lot of women are going to get attracted to you because women are drawn to emotions first and foremost and the way men make them feel.

Speaker 1 Looks is a nice bonus, but if you don't have quote unquote handsome Hollywood looks, then we got to do it in other ways.

Speaker 1 And the nice thing is, all you got to do is get yourself in this Ryan the Bold state. Okay.

Speaker 1 And the next thing I wanted to mention is, God damn it.

Speaker 1 I think my guy was calling me. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So women are drawn to how we make them feel as men. So you could walk up to a woman right now and use a very generic, kind of simple, boring opening line like, hey, what's up? I'm Ryan the Bold.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to come up and say hi. And a lot of women would get into that because they're reading your, your better posture, your louder voice, the tone of your voice.

Speaker 1 You sound like a totally different man than when you wrote a two out of 10, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 And so a woman's going to

Speaker 1 read that off of you and say, I don't know what it is about this guy, but wow, he's got charisma. He's got confidence in himself.

Speaker 1 And so whether if she's a woman who is open to dating a guy who is not a society nine or 10, which most women are, then you're going to have a real shot with her. And if you don't, that's fine.

Speaker 1 Because remember, your new belief is there's an abundance, lots of women like men like you.

Speaker 1 And so what I love about the new belief that you wrote, again, I am Ryan the bold. I'm a great catch for a lot of women.

Speaker 1 Basically, I can approach and attract them because I'm ballsy, I'm bold, I'm great at emotional emotional connecting.

Speaker 1 Those are all value, part of the value proposition that women, a lot of women, love. Not all women.

Speaker 1 We don't need to succeed with all women. We just want to carve out your niche.

Speaker 1 And plenty of women love ballsy, bold men with six packs, jobs, cool mountain biking hobbies. Dude, again, I'm getting a little into you myself.

Speaker 1 Does that all make sense?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, it does make sense.

Speaker 1 Now, your new belief, your new belief, which feels that a,

Speaker 1 your new belief, which feels like an eight right now, great.

Speaker 1 Think of it like this. Your new belief is a tabletop, but it doesn't have four strong legs under it yet.

Speaker 1 To get the tabletop to feel really strong and sturdy, in other words, for you to know in your marrow that you are super attractive to lots of women who you approach, that's going to take new evidence, new proof.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to, my old coach coach used to say, the brain needs proof, not just promises. So, in our coaching session today, all I can really give you is a promise.
We did it together.

Speaker 1 The proof is going to be in the pudding of you going out to meet women. But when you walk up to them and you're in that seven, eight, nine zone, that's going to make the results so much better.

Speaker 1 And because you're going to be talking louder, laughing, bringing so much more value to the table. And women who

Speaker 1 like men with a good sense of humor, ballsy, bold with six packs, boom.

Speaker 1 Plus, you're just going to get amazing at flirting working with me.

Speaker 1 That'll also help. You're going to be a flirting, approaching Jedi.
Great things await you.

Speaker 1 I guess my point is, if tomorrow morning you wake up and you're like, oh, man, that session with Connor was good in the moment, but I feel the same again. Don't panic.

Speaker 1 Don't worry.

Speaker 1 It's something that we'll build on. So again, this is like a tabletop.
We're going to have to put legs under it, though, to make it sturdy. Those legs are the new approaches, the new actions, the new

Speaker 1 evidence of your Ryan the Bold and ballsy awesomeness. And that's what really makes it say, go, oh, wow, I guess really hot, some really hot, amazing women do like me.
And then

Speaker 1 that's when you'll be truly. Ryan the bold with approaching.
But that takes the references and the proof. Make sense, man?

Speaker 2 It does make sense.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thanks so much for your time you got it any final questions about anything mr. swagger mr ballsy and bold

Speaker 2 i i guess the idea is um

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 it sounds like what you're saying is like could i could i try to like rephrase it obviously not like everything but like please yeah do an hour uh summary but uh um

Speaker 2 it's like all these things, it's like you're not gonna attract everybody, but you're gonna have enough swagger and stuff that like maybe if those girls aren't interested, you're gonna be like fuck fuck it, like I'm gonna go talk to some other girls.

Speaker 2 So then you're still gonna like end up like being like flirting with some other girls at night, like, you know, like having some other successes.

Speaker 2 And it's like that stuff just doesn't like, it's like you're outcome dependent. You don't, you don't like, you have this underlying like confidence, which is what I'm trying to get to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, ultimately.

Speaker 1 You want that underlying certainty in the in the worthiness and significance you have to bring to women and that they and you know a lot of them are going to see it, not all of them, but a lot of them.

Speaker 1 Please read chapter the opening story that kicks off chapter, well, actually, chapter one of my book and chapter four, especially chapter four, because there's an amazing story in chapter four where I approach this gorgeous woman and we hook up at a bar or at a lounge in Vegas.

Speaker 1 What I don't say in the book, just because I had to cut it for space, was right before I approached this gorgeous rock chick drummer in an all-girl rock band and succeeded with her, the girl before her I approached literally 20 seconds earlier.

Speaker 1 She said, and I quote, fuck off, Ginger.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's a harsh blowout. I can relate.
I mean, I've had like harsh blowouts at night. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It used to be a harsh blowout, but by then I had really made my mindset shift. To me,

Speaker 1 no woman has the power to make me feel less less than.

Speaker 1 So that woman said, fuck off, Ginger. Here's what I did.
I immediately laughed and I turned to my right and I see this stunner standing at the bar next to me.

Speaker 1 She's wearing a little Bart Simpson t-shirt with her tummy exposed, just gorgeous. And I went over to her.
I said, did you hear what that woman just said to me? She just said, fuck off, Ginger.

Speaker 1 Can you believe that?

Speaker 1 But I wasn't upset. It was more like, that was a crazy, funny thing that happened in Vegas.
And she was like, what? That's a mean thing to say. But she was smiling.

Speaker 1 And basically, that was my opening line. So I turned a seemingly harsh rejection into an approach that led me to hooking up with the single hottest woman in the venue.
I'm not saying that to brag.

Speaker 1 I guess I'm trying to underscore the idea that by then my belief in myself had become so rock solid. No woman saying fuck off ginger is going to hurt me because I draw my confidence from within me.

Speaker 1 I know who I am and I know the value I bring to the table because I'm Connell fucking Barrett, baby.

Speaker 1 And you're now Ryan the Bold. And you're now Ryan the Bold, or at least you're beginning to be.

Speaker 1 So going forward in our next session, you and I are going to go deep on some fun mechanics, the flirting move, the escalation, basically how Ryan the Bold is going to be approaching and bringing the value and fun and confidence to the approaching game.

Speaker 1 Because man, once you got the mindset in place, you've got 80%.

Speaker 1 of what you need to have success. So thanks for going so long and so deep today.

Speaker 1 I know it was a long, long session,

Speaker 1 but you really stepped up. You just put basically 80% of the puzzle pieces there on the board.
We just got to snap them into place.

Speaker 1 And then we'll talk about mechanics, flirting, what to say, all that fun stuff in our next call. Sound good?

Speaker 2 Sound good. Thank you so much, man.
I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 You rock, dude. Go take your six-pack to the gym, and I will talk to you next time.

Speaker 1 All right, Mr. Bold.