SISTER TALK - OVERCOMING TRAUMA AND TRAGEDY & FINDING HAPPINESS AGAIN

So I cannot even believe we are kicking off season five of Cat on the Loose this week. Oh my goodness, four years have gone by.
What a journey has been. If you are new to Cat on the Loose, welcome, welcome, welcome.
I welcome you with open arms. This is a no judgment zone.
All our episodes are 100% organic, meaning they're never scripted and they're never edited. We never know what we're going to say.
We never know exactly what's going to happen. It's an open conversation about relationships, about dating.
Yes, sometimes about sex, but it's about life. We are evolving.
We are learning together. I am not an expert.
Cat on the Loose started four years ago after I left a very complicated, very abusive marriage to an alcoholic. And I was starting my life over.
And I literally did not know how I was going to pick up the pieces and rebuild. And I was like basically just venting.
And I didn't know how to find my voice again. I didn't know what I was going to do.
And I was really just talking, talking, talking. And I realized everybody out there had a story they wanted to share.
Everybody out there has something going on at any given moment. And as I was growing an audience, I realized I hit a nerve and I was like, you know what? I'm going to keep going and going and going.
And what was a tiny, tiny pet project is now such a beautiful, beautiful worldwide community. And I am so proud of it.
So if you're new here, welcome. We drop new episodes every Wednesdays on all platforms where you enjoy podcasts.
And if you know Cat on the Loose, welcome back. And we are going to start the season with such an important, important, important topic that affects so many people everywhere in the world, mental health.
And although I always like to say, because it's so important, I am not an expert in any topic. This is a topic that I can speak about because it has happened to me time and time and time again.
And my guest today is someone that also has been highly affected by tragedy. My sister, both of us, we have been hit by so much tragedy in our lives.
It's incredible that we've managed to pick up the pieces, survive, rebuild, and recover. So we are not experts, but we are leaving proof that yes, you can do it.
And we are also leaving proof that it is so important to talk about it before it gets out of control. And for her, it is so difficult to talk about it because she's the exact opposite of me.
She's a very private person. Her work is nowhere near the public eye, such as mine is, but she was a very, very brave, very, very brave soul to say, you know what, I'm going to come and I'm going to talk about it.
So if you're suffering from any kind of heartbreak, tragedy, any kind of pain right now, this episode is for you. And if you know anyone who is, have them listen to this episode.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. And it is so, so important to speak up.
It's so, so important to ask for help before it gets out of control. Because so many people suffer in silence before they get help.
And this is why many times it ends in tragedy, such as it happens to people who are very close to us. So here it is a very, very special episode of Cat on the Loose to kick off season five.
And remember, I love you guys so much. And we have 24-7 open lines of communication because this podcast is for all of us.
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oh my god first cat on the loose of the season season five and i could not start with the more special guest and i know you're so private i can't even believe you're here my little

i know this is like a really big push for you to do this right huge you're really out of your comfort zone very much so I have to say I'm very very grateful well thank you this means the world to me this is very very special, of course. And I was saying before we got started that in my introduction that I wanted to do a really special episode because I know the beginning of the year, a lot of people are talking about, you know, goals and dreams and starting over and aspirations.
And they feel stuck. They don't know how to move on with life.
They don't know how to move forward. And I wanted to start by our conversation when you came visit me on Thanksgiving.
For those who don't know, you're in Florida, right? And I'm in California. So for Thanksgiving, you came over with your adorable, adorable, very precocious, crazy intelligent little son, my nephew, who is now 13, right? Maté.
Yes. And we had such an amazing time.
And I remember we were standing in the kitchen and I said to you, we come from a really difficult background. We don't come from this great family.
I think we come from a very discombobulated family. You agree with me, right? Yes.
And we are seven years apart, and I know we have very different experiences because I left. I didn't live at home for a really long time, and you were still living at home.
So I know you spend much more time with our mom than I did. We have different experiences, but for a long period of time, we were both around them.
But anyway, the bottom line is we don't come from like this lovey-dovey, sweet, amazing, perfect, supportive family. And now that both our parents are gone, it's really just the two of us and, and, and, and Mateo and we are both not married.
We're going to get there. We're going to explain what happened.
But going back to the kitchen, I remember looking and saying, you know, I don't know. I don't know if I call it spell, but I use the word spell jokingly.
I said, I think it's up to us to break the spell of everything bad that happened to our families and create a better future for ourselves and for your kid right yes 100 and i agree yeah and i think that's that's the hardest part for a lot of people right how do you do that how do you break from tragedy? And this is what I want to touch on because I know it's very difficult because I know you're very private. You don't even do social media.
I do a lot of social media because that's how I promote my work. And a lot of people look at our social media and they see the success and the life we build and everything and they think everything is easy, right? They don yeah they don't see our battles but you and I we've we I don't know why but we've been through a hell of a lot of tragedy in our lives yes very much it's very much do you want to talk about it do you want to start of course no of course I'm I can be open and yeah Whatever you want to talk about it, want to talk about.
I think it's important because just the background to get where I want to get. So like I said, I think we grew up in a very complicated household.
For me, I think your experience, and I remember you said that you think for you, it was more our mom.

For me, I think my dad resented me because, of course, he didn't want to marry my mom when she got pregnant, but whatever.

I think they were always very heavy drinkers.

And when I was a kid, I didn't even notice that.

And I think that's probably one of the reasons why I ended up marrying an alcoholic because it took me forever and ever and ever to even realize that alcohol abuse was a problem I don't even know if you noticed that like our parents were always drinking always abusing alcohol yeah I remember our mother more than our father yeah but. But, you know, but yeah, they, they, they both, you know, yeah.
We're heavy drinkers. Yeah.
I do remember that. Yeah.
And I never even said that, but yeah, it's true. Our mom was always a heavy drinker and she ended up being, she was like, I think what people call closet alcoholic, like she would drink and hide the alcohol.
And she always hoped that people didn't notice that she was drinking. And it kept getting worse and worse and worse as life went by.
And it obviously ended up being one of the causes of what killed her. But I think when I ended up marrying an alcoholic that ended up like abusing me and they were always, my, my parents were around.
That's one of the reasons that nobody said anything because for them it was like normal behavior, drinking heavily, you know? Yeah. I, I, I never know.
I mean, growing up, I never, I didn't think it was a thing. Yeah.
I didn't think it was. I never saw that as a problem, you know? And I don't know.
I don't know if looking back, if it's part, a little bit part of, I wouldn't say the Brazilian culture, but just maybe a little bit of the environment, you know, the fam, I don't know what it was, but I don't remember ever thinking, oh, my parents are heavy drinkers. You know, that's just maybe something you think about it much, much later in life.
That's such a good point. I know.
And like you said, Brazilian culture. Yeah.
I know Brazilians drink a lot, but then, like I said, because I've been here most of my life and then you ended up being here most of your life. You moved here when you were like a teenager.
Like I said, when I met Anthony, I was in my twenties and he was a heavy drinker. When I met him, he wasn't a full blown alcoholic yet.
But I think because of the background of our parents, when I saw him drinking, drinking, drinking and saying, oh, that's how I relax after work. That's how I relax after work.
Yeah. I was so conditioned to see my parents do it all the time.
I didn't see it as a problem. I thought, oh, that's what people do.
So I'm not even sure if it's a cultural thing, to be honest, because I'm not. Yeah, no, I'm not saying that I'm just saying like growing up.
Yeah. It was just all around.
Yeah. It was just kind of all around us.
This is what that's what I'm trying to say. You know what I mean? So looking back, I'm like, it was just I just felt like it was all around us, our family, you know, the gatherings., and, and I, I, I never separated.
Oh, this is okay. Cause this is the family getting, Oh, they're drinking during the week.
You know what I mean? Like it was just all kind of all blended together. I also think there's a lot of more awareness nowadays as far as alcohol goes.
And so I just feel like it's something that I've came to realize that much, much later in life. Yeah, I wonder if it's our maturity.
So this is the question, right? Because I get this question all the time. I think we obviously we turn out to be incredibly normal, nice, kind humans, considering the environment we grew up in.
Because a lot of people, and I guess this is the point that I wanted to touch in, because it's the beginning of the year, and I know a lot of people get discouraged, right? Because a lot of people blame their backgrounds. I come from a shitty family.
I come from shitty parents. I don't have any support, but I think you and I are living proof that regardless of what life throws at you, if you decide you're going to build a good life for yourself, you can make a decision and create your own path.
I'm not really sure how we did it because life threw all this hell and high water at us, not just coming from this bad parenting, because both our parents, our father, maybe he was not a full-blown alcoholic, but he was the biggest narcissist that I ever met in my life. He was really good at making money, but if he made a million dollars, he would spend a million and one.
He never really thought about leaving a legacy behind. He never really thought about, oh, let me worry about the future of these girls.
Let me worry about leaving them something. Let me worry about doing like a savings account.
You know, like normal things that parents worry about leaving for their kids. He would literally spend everything on himself and women and parties and shit.
So it was some other kind of dysfunction coming from him. Right.
And I don't know how you and I at some point decided that, you know, despite all of that, we were going to live normal lives and be honest, hardworking people and just be different from them. Right.
Yeah. I don't't know where I don't know what the turning point was but I do you know there have been things in my life that you know also being for me being a mom yeah you know I remember when I my, you know, my son, I remember thinking that I never wanted to be the mother.
I wanted to be a completely different mother than our mother was. Yeah.
And you are. I want to, I want it to be a very, very different mother.
And you're saying, you know, this generational uh i don't like to use the word curse but you know this this that passed from generation and and i i was like it ends with me yeah it ends with yeah no that's you know we use the word curse but you're right i don't know what what word i used when you were here at thanksgiving but i said similar when you were here i was like we have to have to break the spell. Like, you know, we have to.
It's a generational trauma, I guess. I don't know.
There's so many words, but I remember when I had Mateo, I said, it ends with me. You know, I'm going to be, you know, you met him, you see how his discipline, his time, his life.
He's an angel. He's incredible.
He's's incredible he's an incredible child yeah and every single day i tell him how i love him yeah um you know i i believe in in discipline with kindness and love you know i've done that with him since he was a child yeah and with me at least my experience growing up was on a completely different. Yeah.
Polar opposite to that, you know. So, yeah.
So I think the first thing for me was becoming a mom that I was like, OK, this ends right here. you know we didn't have that and remember that's another thing that you mentioned to me uh when you were here which i completely agree with you it's interesting that our parents never

said to us And remember, that's another thing that you mentioned to me when you were here, which I completely agree with you.

It's interesting that our parents never said to us, I love you. Never.
My father, I don't ever, ever until he died, I don't ever remember him saying to me, I love you. Not once in my life.
my mom towards the very end of of her life, when she got closer to me, and I think she started apologizing and saying things, I think she said maybe a few times.

But I agree with you.

It wasn't common for them to say, I love you.

And I agree with you.

I never heard.

Yeah.

And like you said, you say it to your son all the time. And I think it's one of the things that is so important to say, I love you to someone you love all the time, all the time to make them feel loved.
And you never know when it's going to be the last time that you see them. Right? Right.
I think that's like such a simple gesture.

Yes. That costs nothing, costs nothing, right? To let people know that you love them, that you care about them.
A hundred percent. Yes.
And, and I, we both have had a tremendous amount of loss in our lives, so much, you know, that that's definitely something that's always with me, you know, to make the people important in your life feel important. Know that they matter.
Know that they're loved. You know, it's just something I always carry that with me because, you know, we did a lot.
I don't know if your audience know, but, you know, that we lost both our parents and, you know, it's just, yeah, I lost my childhood friend. Yeah.
So in 2007, let's yeah. So let's explain.
Yeah. So this is yeah, we did have an absurd amount of tragedy in 2007.

Your best, best, best friend in the world, you guys grew up together ever since you were babies.

She had a very sudden death.

She was in her 20s, which is crazy.

And she died very suddenly. That was very tragic because, of course, she was a very young girl, very full of life.
And you are young girl you were how old were your girls 20 29 i think yeah yeah yeah so that was crazy tragic yeah yeah then yes we did lose our father um a few years later right yeah we oh yeah we lost our father a few years later. Yeah.
Then, yeah, we did lose our mom. I mean, I lost Anthony literally one year after losing our mom.
I was still like, you know, mourning and figuring it out. And I lost.
So I think it's a lot for anybody to process because loss is something very, very, very, very heavy. Very, very.
It changes you. Yeah.
Yeah. Like you said, it changes you because it's like, oh, my God.
First of all, it's like we are literally really alone. Now we have to be adults here.
We don't have that support system anymore. Right.
And then you realize that you're not going to see that going to see that person ever again. So if you didn't say anything, if you left anything behind unsaid, and I agree with you, it changed me in the way for me.
I remember when, when our mom died and when Anthony died a year later, this is what changed me. First, I live my life.
Like I'm very immediate in terms what I want to do. Like if I want to do something, I just really go for it.
You know, I know you're left. I know you're left because you're more like a planner.
It takes you longer. I just pull the trigger.
It takes you up. Yeah.
It takes you forever. I'm like, I just go for it.
Even if I don't know if all of my dreams are going to come true or not, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to give this a go. I want to do everything.
I want to conquer the world every day. That's great.
That's how it should be. Because I'm like, okay, I don't know how much time I have, but I want to do everything that, and there's another, obviously my story is different than your story because the 14 years that I was married to Anthony.

And that's another thing, too, that people don't know about me.

They think, oh, she was married to a multimillionaire.

She didn't want to work.

But the truth is he didn't let me work.

He didn't let me do many of the things that I wanted to do.

So now I'm like, I just want to go for it.

Fuck it.

Yeah.

But, yeah, when people start dying on you, you're like, okay, life ends. So we might as well give everything a go, you know? Yeah.
Yes, I know. Yeah, I'm the, you know, as you know, I'm the total opposite of that.
Yeah. I'm too cautious, too afraid, too, oh, my God, I'm an overthinker.
I have anxiety. I'm like, I'm the total opposite.
So, but, you know, we tried our best to navigate and, you know, chase our dreams through. But I think it's been the steps because to touch on the last tragedy and I think it's so important to talk about mental health and I know this is very difficult for you.
And this this is why I have to say I'm so proud of you for being here. And because we have such a massive audience out there, and I know this is very hard and I do get emotional, just a little over a year ago, you had, and I have to say, when I lost, and I lost our mom, and by crazy coincidence of the universe, I never, ever, ever used to go to Brazil.
Funny, right? Because I just don't like going there because of all the violence and everything. I happened to be in Brazil when she died.
So I happened to see our mom dead in front of me. So it just magnified my experience.
And then one year later, I lost Anthony and I thought, oh my God, I cannot imagine anybody going through a bigger trauma than what I went through. But a little over a year ago, you went through something a million times more difficult than that, if that's even possible.
Which is your husband, the father of your son, took his own life, committed suicide. Yeah.
And you found him. I did.
And I cannot imagine, I cannot imagine anybody going through that.

Yeah.

It's, like I said, it changes you to your core, you know? and there's just so

so many levels

to what happened

you know, he was the father of my child. So I'm dealing with that.
It's dealing with the fact that he didn't have a heart attack. He didn't have a, it wasn't a car accident.
It was just something that it's just kind of hard. It takes, it takes a really long time to rep, you know, to rep my, I just remember trying to understand how, why, you know, while dealing with what I saw, you know.
And so it was just really hard. I had to really, you know, I went through a lot of anger.
I was very angry. Oh my God, of course.
not right how can you not be how can you not it's impossible not to yeah so I was really really angry um at him um for for doing that I mean that's who because the truth is you know he took his life he left you and his son, a little boy behind, alone, right?

No. The truth is, you know, he took his life, he left you and his son, a little boy behind, alone, right? No note, no message, no justification.
He just left you guys behind. So, of course, the people that are left behind are, you know, the ones suffering, right? Yeah.
You know, and it's just very hard to understand.

Um, and you just left with no answers. Yeah.
You know, and you have to be okay with not having those answers. Yeah.
You know, and, and it took me a really long time, you know, it took me a really, really long time to understand why but how well how can somebody do this and why would somebody do this to a child and and and you're a father you can't do this and and it was just you know but but then you know I did some. I actually did a lot of research on suicide.
And it took me a while, but I forgave him. That's the best thing.
I finally, yeah, I think you have, I really came to a place of forgiveness of understanding. Yeah.
You know,

that, um,

he wasn't,

he was sick.

He was just in very,

very,

very,

very deep pain.

Yeah.

But I had to get out of the anger to see something to try to,

to,

to understand,

you know?

Yeah, for sure. Um, so it's, it's just, it was really hard.
And of course, there's a ton of regret that I had also that from other side that you have to deal, you know? Yeah. There's a ton of regret.
And I think that's a part of the grief, you know. I feel like with all our losses, I have regrets.
With a lot of them, I have regrets. With our mother, you know, I was like, I wish I had told her how I felt.
I think you need to, you know, and it's a part of healing, too. Yeah.
That takes time. You kind of have to let it go because this is something I never talked about on the podcast or to anybody.
And the reason why we are talking about is because mental health is such an important topic. And it goes to show, people kill themselves every single day because there is something really bad going on.
And many times relatives don't notice our mom killed herself. We never talked about it.
People ask me, how did your mother die? And I'm like, oh, you know, I don't want to talk about it. But the truth of the matter is she didn't want to live anymore, right? She was so stressed out about money and finances, and she kept worrying about the future and the future and the future.
What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to me? It consumed her. That's all she thought about day and night, night and day, day and night, night and day, that she wanted to die.
She literally wanted to die. Yeah, she did.
She committed suicide. She knew she needed a certain specific medication.
She knew she couldn't drink. She knew if she stopped taking that medication, she was going to die.
So she did the two things she couldn't do. She stopped taking that medication and she drank and it killed it killed yeah and it's heartbreaking same thing

but i i think i don't know how i did it but like you said i come to terms that there is nothing we can do to save someone like that when they make that decision now you know Now, And after the fact, yes, because I kept thinking, you know, everybody, that was really hard to because I think it's important people are aware of this, you know, something like that happens. Every single person came to me and said, you didn't know? Yeah't know who was depressed and I'm like oh oh yes I did and I just you know what I mean I'm like no I didn't know I didn't know you know so it's just it's really hard of course I wish um I had maybe I knew he was stressed I knew he had high anxiety, high stress, but I didn't know, you know, that this was going

on, that he was depressed.

No, the fact that you never know the person is going to get to that point.

Right.

No.

Right.

And I just, so my, of course I have regrets thinking I, maybe I should have known, maybe i should have paid attention i should have told him let's talk let me be there for you let me do this like you know but i didn't see it i didn't see it i didn't you know um it's something that i of course if i ever come across something like that again god I would be more aware. But I also realize that there's always so much we can do.
Yeah. You know? No, you can never blame yourself because like I said, it's like with our mom.
I used to talk to our mom twice a day, every single day. Did I think she was killing herself while she was talking to me? Right.
Like she would hang up the phone and go in her closet and get the bottle of booze and drink. And like she would literally get in her car and say, I'm on my way to the doctor to take this medication.
She literally needed this medication to stay alive. But she was tossing the medication in the trash and not going to the doctor.
How can anybody know these things? You know, you can't blame yourself. I think, like you said, when this happens to someone, like you said, don't ask the person.
If you want to help, don't ask the person, how did you, didn't you know? Because you're just passing on blame. You didn't see it.
Yes. It doesn't help.
Everybody came to me and you didn't see it. You didn't see it? You didn't know? Yeah.
Did you see? You didn't see any signs? I'm like, come on. Yeah, please.
Yeah. Come on.
And even if I did, you know, because I also, I remember talking to a therapist and I was like, she told me, she said, maybe if you had known, sometimes you can postpone it. But if the person is very determined, you can only postpone it.
You're not going to avoid it. Yeah.
You know what I mean? You're not going to prevent ever from happening. That has to come from them.
Yeah. It has to come from them.
Yeah. So, I mean.
One million percent. I'm not a therapist or anything, but yeah, it took me a long time to not blame myself and forgive him and get past the anger and just, you know, and see him in a good light again, because he was a wonderful man.
Yes, for sure. You know, he was a great dad.
He was a wonderful man. He really was.
He's just, but for a while, I was very angry. Oh, my God, I'm sure.
You know, he left us in a really bad situation, and I was really angry. But I have to tell you that this is my take on it, because the tragedy happened to us, like I said, in different ways.
Because our mom killed herself. Anthony, in many ways, he wanted to die.
He wanted to die. He wanted to die so badly, he got his wishes and he died in the worst possible way.
That's a horror story for another episode. But the fact of the matter is, once he died, same thing.
I found myself with absolutely nothing, nothing. My life was devastated.
And when that happens, we have two choices. And this is what we're talking about, breaking the curse or whatever word you want to use.
You have two choices. You can stay down there on the ground like, okay, I'm fucked.
I'm fucked. That's it.
Or you can say, you know, I'm going to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life and make life wonderful again. And in your case, you have the most wonderful reason in the world, which is the most incredible, amazing, adorable 13-year-old little boy.
Right. So I think we have to show it to him that life can be really, really, really great and break this horrible spell, curse, whatever you want to say, of whatever came behind us.
Trauma. Yeah, trauma.
Whatever came behind us.

And I think anybody out there listening, if you are like us,

because I think most people are like us,

most people do not come from wonderful, wonderful families, unfortunately. Most people do come from broken families.

Don't let that destroy you.

Find ways to keep moving on, you know? Find ways to rebuild. Let's take a really quick break and talk about a very easy, quick fix for a problem that a lot of us have.
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I think that's the best, best, best way to get over trauma and get over something horrible, like all these things that happened to us.

I don't know if you agree with me.

Yes, of course.

And I got a lot of eye rolls because when that happened, I...

Hey, Jamie McDonald here. This is my brand new song.
Oh God, I'm desperate. Down on my knees.
Send help from heaven. Cause that's what I need.
I need heaven and I'm desperate. Desperate, on all streaming platforms.

I remember the next day, waking up or getting out of bed.

I don't think I slept for like six months, but I just remember the next day I got out of bed and I said, I just, you know, you're living in this. I was like, wow, my life is over.
My life is over, you know? And then I was like, wait a minute, what am I saying? What am I saying?

I have a, I have a choice right now. I have a choice.
I can choose to be happy and heal, be happy, be the best mother I can be. Yeah.
Or I can sink, be depressed and not be able to be there for my child.

That needs me to the max more than ever yes you have to rise to the challenge so yeah yeah so right there and then the next day and i know it takes a lot and i understand that but and i feel like everything that i went through my entire life prepared me for that very, very moment. Yeah.
You know, to just like, wow, okay, right here, right here is the moment that I have to make this choice, you know? Yeah. I can either start seeing some positive things.
I can see some happiness. I can be happy.
I can try to find something peaceful. Or I can just be completely depressed.
I know. And you're doing amazing.
I have to say, when all the things that happened to me happened to me, obviously, you know, many days I thought, okay, that's it. That's the end of me.
I did end up in the hospital a few times. A few times I thought, okay, I'm going to die.
That's it. Right.
and i remember i had so many toxic people around me the famous champagne friends right you know the assholes that are around you when you have champagne and then when you need help

oh yeah and they run around like friends. Exactly.
Yeah. I remember.
Nobody wants to deal with the tragedy. Exactly.
Nobody wants to deal with the bad times. No, of course not.
I remember one of my best friends in the world. I used to, I don't know if you remember, but my apartment in Miami was at the 56th floor of the Four Seasons when Anthony died.
And this friend, one of my best friends, she came and she was like, oh my God, Catherine, I cannot believe you're not jumping off of the balcony. Because I had lost everything, all my assets, all my bank accounts.
I was completely broke. I didn't have anything.
And Anthony was dead. And then I never saw that person again.
And that day I remember thinking, you know what? I don't feel like jumping off of this balcony. I think I'm going to start rebuilding my life.
Yeah. But I know my personality, I'm more resilient.
I have just to use the word that my mom mom used, me in Portuguese, I don't even know what word would be in English. I'm very distemied.
I'm fearless. I'm not afraid of anything.
And I know you're not. I know you're not.
I know you're more like guarded. So I know when all these things happened to me, I was like, fuck it.
I'm just going to go for it and try everything again. And I'm going to die trying.
And that's my style. But I don't have a kid, right? I'm like, it's just me.
It's easier. Because if I fail in everything, like, you know, even if I end up homeless on the beach, like the people that stole everything from me, I'm not kidding.
They literally called me and said, I'm not going to name names because they threatened to sue me, but they literally called me and said, you're going to do everything we tell you to do or you're going to end up homeless on the beach. And I remember saying, even if I do end up homeless on the beach, it's just me, whatever.
I'm going to figure it out. I know with you, the stakes are so much higher because you have a freaking kid.
When you have a kid, you're like, I want to give my kid the best life. So I remember last year when I got the call, when our stepdad called me and said that this happened to you, he was like, you know, this tragedy happened to Ty.
Like, I don't want to say your husband's name. Said like he shot himself in the head.
I was at the gas station and I backed up my car. I was like, I was the first time in my life I had a car accident.
I backed up my car into a tree. I was like, and I stopped there and I immediately thought, oh my God, you know, I was so worried about you because I honestly was not sure how you were going to react because it's one,

I cannot imagine anybody going through this tragedy.

And I have to say you really, really rose up to the challenge and,

and to life. And it's,

and it's impossible to describe in words. It's absolutely impossible to describe to anybody.
Yeah, I think, and like I said, to me, it was, you know, that feeling of, and, you know, I'm not a religion, we were raised, even though we went into Catholic school our entire lives, we're not religious or anything like that. But something just came over me and said, have faith.
Just have faith. Yeah.
The universe is going to provide, somehow it's going to, it's going to be fine. Because that's what I thought.
I. I was like, you know, I had no income.
I was going to school. You know, we didn't have savings.
We didn't, you know, and we were left with nothing. So I was like, okay, I'm going through this trauma.
I have this image in my head that I can't sleep, I can't eat. I have a child that is heartbroken.
Yeah. Heartbroken.
And, you know, I was just, I just thought to myself, I was like, you know, if I just, if I just have faith, just have faith. And, and it's, it, things are going to start coming to you, you know? It took a long time and it was just extremely painful.
But that's just what I believed in, you know? Just keep having faith one day at a time. Yes.
You just nailed it. And be strong.
Just so you got to be strong. And these moments are the moments that just make you stronger, you know? And every day is a choice.
Yes. Every time I say that to someone, when they're having a bad day or they're depressed, oh my God, I'm like, you have a choice.
You have a choice. You can either think or you can lift yourself up you can either be depressed or you can be happy people get mad at me when I say that but I'm like just give it a try yeah I think the the only silver lining of going through all these things that you and I have been through is like you said we get so resilient and we get so much stronger we find out what we are made of.
Like you said, we get so resilient and we get so much stronger. We find out what we are made of.
Like you said, the small, the tiny problems of everyday life don't rattle us. Like you said, I see people making drama about tiny, tiny things and I laugh about it.
And now like I'm four years, I'm six years away from Anthony's

death and everything. And I'm still rebuilding.
Of course, I'm far from being where I want to be,

but I'm in a very happy place. I live in the place that I love.
I do what I love.

I live in peace. I live in peace.
And you are slowly every day. I think you get stronger and

stronger and stronger and you rebuild your life. But it's like you said, you know, people have

Thank you. I live in peace and you are slowly every day.
I think you get stronger and stronger and stronger and you rebuild your life.

But it's like you said, you know, people have a choice.

Every single day when you wake up, you need to ask yourself and look in the mirror.

You know, you're not going to live forever.

Whatever tragedies that you're going through, maybe it's something horrible. like because maybe it is you're dealing with death

like like we've been dealing with maybe it's something else yeah you need to make a decision are you gonna let that destroy your life or are you gonna overcome that and move on and find find that you have to find happiness somehow right right i and i just think also you know there's just so much out there nowadays, so many resources and so many. And I'm not saying people that are depressed.
It's like that. And you're like, just be happy.
And people are happy. I understand.
I understand. I know.
Look what happened with Leo. You know, it's a good thing.
But, you know, look what happened with him. And I understand depression.
I think I saw with my own eyes what depression can do. I understand that.
But there's a million resources out there. There's just so much, you know, there's spirituality, there's doctors, there's medicine, there's a community.
There is just so much out there. And, you know, people have, and I said, I had a friend that one day, a couple of weeks ago, telling me something about, you know, a breakup or something like that.
And she was crying on the phone. And then she said to me, she's like, Oh, why am I even saying this to you? Because you've been through so much.
You know what I mean? This is so, this is probably so stupid to you. And I'm like, no, I understand.
You know what I mean? Like your monster is not any smaller than my monster. You know what I mean? People have that little monster that they have to deal with.
You know, and I get it. It's like, it doesn't mean just because I've been through something so incredibly traumatic, it doesn't mean that I don't understand people's issues, you know? I just think, you know, there's just a lot out there.
I think you have to put it in perspective. That's what I think

for us. Like, I agree.
I've been through many breakups after Anthony died, but it puts my pain in perspective. Like if I, if I try to have a new relationship with someone and it doesn't work out, like okay it's too bad it's too bad, you know? Yeah.
But it's a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny issue. Obviously, it's not the end of the world.
I think you have to put life in perspective and you have to choose your battles. But like you were saying before, I want to touch on this because it's the most important thing.
And I keep saying that to you as well, because I know your level of stress is so high. People need to remember how important mental health is.
Yeah. Have to worry about your mental health so it doesn't get out of control.
Unfortunately, in our mom's case, it got way out of control. Unfortunately, in Anthony's case, the man that I was married to, it didn't matter how many millions of dollars he had in the bank, it got out of control.
He decided to die. Unfortunately, in your son's father, in your husband, he got out of control.
He killed himself. So many people every single day.
Today, I don't even know if you know in the news, husband of a very famous actress here in la the 47 years old just committed suicide no yeah the husband of plaza so it happens every day every day any given day people do this yeah so i think you need people need to remember like if you feel your stress level going up i don't care how much i know I know you have bills to pay. We all do.
I know life is very expensive. I know all this shit, but you have to stop.
And you got to, like you said, bring in back the monster and bring it back under control. And like, same, you were saying there are a million resources.
What are the resources? Go for a walk, exercise, breathe, drink tea, talk to a friend. If you have a relative, like, I don't know, there's a million, but, but try to take a nap, take a day off because you have to keep controlling your mental health because this is the most important thing in the world.
And it's unfortunately, it's not not talked about enough and i think that's the main reason why why telling our story and putting this episode out there was so important to me because i know so many people out there are suffering alone and suffering in silence and i want them to know that they're not alone you know know? No, a hundred percent. They're not.
And, you know, if people that are hurting or suffering enough, they would just reach out to someone and say, hey, you know, I do think about that a lot. Like, I really wish he would have come to me and said, I'm hurting.
I'm hurting. Like, this is not a joke.
I'm thinking about this, this, and that. I'm thinking about taking my own life.
I mean, I think, you know, of course, it's kind of hard to, you know, to know exactly what I would have said or how I would have handled it. But try.
You know, I think I would have said, okay, we're gonna get you some help we're gonna we're gonna work this out because this is important you got a child right there we need you you're important you know um so there's just so much so much you can do and that's that's what i i hope people realize you know of course there's many levels of depression there's i i know i suffer from really bad anxiety i have something that i deal with it every day um but i've learned you know with no medicine no not like i have learned i i on my own i i did research i i was like i don't want to was like, I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way.
You know, but there's got to be a better way. I think anxiety is always going to be part of who I am.
But I have learned so many ways to cope with it and bring it down and make it better. And I just hope people, you know.

Of course.

Look for help.

Yeah, for sure.

For me.

There's so much.

Yeah, I had anxiety, not as much as you do.

I also had a lot of anxiety as well,

especially right after our mom and Anthony died.

And same, I didn't have any money.

I was so freaking broke.

I was like, what the fuck? I didn't work. I barely worked for 14 years.
I was really scared. I'm going to tell you, no kidding.
And I'm not a doctor. I'm not a specialist by any means, but I'm telling you, one of the things that saved my life, I adopted a dog, right? I rescued Phoenix.
He saved me because he made me go out the door every single day. And I'm not kidding you.
And I tell you that just going for the walks every day does wonders, does wonders because you start putting all those endorphins in your brain. I know it sounds so stupid because I believe in my heart.
I did that a lot. And believe me, I would put AirPods, meditation music, healing meditation, and I would go for walks.
I would walk for like a couple miles and then three miles and that's one. But that, yes, that's so important.
It's so important. You know, just a healing and anxiety and depression and it helps everything.
It does. It really does.
And I really believe, I've interviewed dozens and dozens and dozens of experts of all areas on Cannond the last four years. And I'm telling you, I believe the United States is a heavily medicated country.
Like if you go to a doctor right now and you say, I'm depressed, my mother died. They prescribe anything you want.
They prescribe immediately. They ask me every time I go to the doctor, they're like, do you want something to sleep? Do you want an antidepressant? Do you want this? And I'm like, no, I don't want, personally, I don't like drugs in my system.
I live a super healthy lifestyle. And I believe the best medicine is, like I said, go for a walk, sunshine, air, fresh air, because mentally it starts clearing your head.
And I'm not saying it would prevent somebody from killing themselves. That's not what I'm saying.
But maybe if you do it, it compounds, you know, it starts making you feel better and better and better and better. So if you're super stressed or like you said, in your case, you're suffering from severe anxiety.
If you do it every little every day, a little more and more and more and more, like after a month, you're feeling like a brand new person. And I highly encourage people to do it.
If you can adopt a dog, you know why I say the dog? Because, you know, sometimes people that are really depressed, they're like, oh, I'm not going to go out today. But the dog forces you.
They're like, okay, you with those puppy eyes. Come on, mommy, come on.
I remember in my darkest days my darkest days phoenix forced me to go out the door and then when i'm out there i'm like thank you phoenix i'm so glad we did this unconditional love you know the animals are so important yeah so important i 100 agree i just yeah are these like you just said is this going to prevent somebody from committing suicide i don't know but maybe if you take tiny tiny tiny little steps yeah you know um but if it's adopting a pet if it's going for a walk you go with a friend or you know going out in nature also for, for me, it was practicing gratitude. Oh, my God.
For me, it was gratitude, faith, love. You know, I was like, I got to have love.
Every now I'm like, I know it might sound so stupid. I would touch my heart.
I'm like, okay, I'm alive. I'm grateful.
I got to be here for my child. I, you know, faith, I would just do this talk, little talk with myself every morning, you know? And it's just, I would say all the things I'm grateful for because no matter how bad you think your life is, there's always something.
Oh my God. Yes.
There's always one million percent. Always.
always and even if you take on i'm today i'm grateful for this beautiful weather or i'm grateful for it could be something outside your environment but there's always something to be grateful for and gratitude is just it pulls you out of yeah any darkness yeah that with all my heart. I could not agree with you more.
I agree. It's a game changer.
It's a game changer. Same.
It changed my life when I decided, and it's funny, right? Because I used to be married to a millionaire and, you know, I had this crazy lifestyle, travel the world, stay in fancy hotels,

la la la la la. And I was miserable because of course I was being abused like shit.
I couldn't do anything. Nowadays, my life is a million times more simple, but I do everything I love.
And I am so grateful for every little thing I have. Like you said, the most simple things is I walk out the door with Phoenix and I'm like,

it's such a sunny day. I'm super

grateful. I know.

It costs zero dollars.

I spend zero dollars.

I find gratitude

and positivity

in the smallest

little things.

It doesn't matter how. I could be...

I have my sad days. Of course.
I still have bad memories. I still, I get triggered sometimes.
I get worried. I have concerns.
I have stress. I'm constantly working.
You know what I mean? Same. I'm a single mom, you know, single mom with minimum support system, minimum support system.
So, but I'm always like, there's always, always things to be grateful for. There's always something positive in my life.
So the days that I'm just and off a hundred percent, I'm like, oh, wait a minute. I have to go to a gratitude list.
I have to do a little gratitude list. And somehow you gotta push forward.
You gotta push forward because if you believe that you can rebuild something amazing, that if you come, like you said, you come from a place of love and you believe, you have to believe. You have to come from a mindset that you believe you can build again.
And that's already like a huge step forward. You have to believe.
You have to wake up in the morning and say, I believe. Obviously, you're doing amazing.
You're much like in the beginning stages of your healing. I am more advanced stages of mind healing.
We are like different journeys, but if anybody out there listening, whatever stages of your healing that you are, don't give up. Don't fold.
You can be having the worst fucking day. You have to keep pushing ahead and believing because look, if you stop, like it's that famous phrase, I don't know if you've ever heard, you're going through hell.
So you're not going to stop in hell, right? You got to keep going until you get out of hell, right mean that's that's the best that's the best message i can and i also think you know i don't know if i'm after gonna be done healing you know i feel like healing is an ongoing journey yes you know i that's i feel like i'm i'm never going to stop healing. You know, I'm always going to try to find ways to be happy and heal from my, and get better.
You know, I have things that I need to work on and I'm always, you know, like healing. I really feel healing is our journey.
I should never stop. I feel, I don't think I'm ever going to be like, I'm healed.
I'm good. No, I'm done.
But you know, the beauty, I think that's the beauty of being an adult is like we are ever evolving. Right.
And how to be better and learning, like just doing this podcast have been such a healing journey for me and a growing journey for me. I'm not the same Catherine that I was four years ago.
The shit I used to put up with the woman that I was and, and we grow and we become better and better and better version of ourselves. And I agree.
We learn until the day that we're not here anymore. And I think that's what life is all about.
And I'm very proud of you because, you know, a lot of people would not be this strong at this point in the game. And you are raising an incredible, incredible human being.
I know you're going to find a prince. I know he's out there looking for you.
And it's just like smooth sailing from now on. And I really, really hope our stories inspire people out there who are going through tough times.

Because like I said, we are living proof that, you know, no matter what background you come from, and I promise you, we do not come from our background. We could do like a five-hour episode shit show just about our family.
Yeah, I think in the end. And, um, yeah, I don't i don't think i have i think you only you really know but that you know the things that i've been through in my childhood i didn't know i was telling you some of it no no listen and you know what cracks me up nobody like the our relatives that are like still alive right nobody ever helped ever helped for shit.
Nobody ever did shit for us. Nobody supported us when our father died and our mother died.
Nobody is a fuck. Now, because of social media, they see me like in Beverly Hills, whatever.
No, no, no. They probably think I'm a gazillionaire again.
I don't know what they think. They send hearts and love and they make comments on social media like, oh my God, it's amazing to see you girls.
Like now they want to be a part of our lives again. Yeah.
And I think because it just makes me laugh. A different country, you know, it's kind of like, I don't know, but it's like whatever, you know, I don't even care.
Yeah think i think every single person everybody has childhood trauma for sure everybody yeah you know some have extreme ones some have middle me you know i feel like we had quite a bit of childhood and then you know some people have minor ones but everybody does yeah but i tell you guys, I'll tell you guys one thing. And I think you agree with me.
No matter who it is, if it's your relative, your cousin, your father, your mother, whoever it is, if it's your friend, I don't care who it is. If it's somebody toxic in your life, you need to leave them behind and move forward without them in order to heal.
A hundred percent. You just have, I left so many people behind that were horrific, horrific vampires to me, like the closest, closest people to me.
When my mother died and I realized what horrible, horrible, they were stealing from me. They were sucking me dry.
They were sucking my energy, my life, my money. I literally had to cut ties and leave them behind in order for me to heal and move forward.
You have to literally not care who they are. And you have to cut ties to save yourself.
I think. Yeah.
I I had a lesson I just learned. Right.
You have to. you have to cut ties to save yourself i think yeah i i had the lesson i just learned right and that you have you have to i to tell you that i have i lost two very very very close friends one of my best friends i lost because of this tragedy that I went through.
She, you know, I, I was always there for her. We knew each other for 15 years.
I was there for her to everything. And then when I'm the first time I'm like, I, I need this.
I need you. I need you to, you know, it has appeared.
Oh yeah. I'm like, wow.
Okay. I need to be better.
I need to be better. Yeah.
You know, that's the thing. We need to be better.
I need to be better and not have toxic people around me because, you know, no making excuses. Get rid of it.
It's the perfect time of the year to just you know yeah exactly you have to leave it behind you have to leave it behind yeah leave it behind cut ties it's all about quality I learned this in my life I know because when I was a gazillionaire I thought oh my god I have hundreds of friends they were a bunch of, they were a bunch of mochers. You know, they were champagne friends.
I realized I had to cut ties with so many people. It's really about quality.
And like you said, the word love, people that love you unconditionally, that are going to stand by you, that want the best for you when you are drinking champagne, when you are having a great time, and when you are going through tragedy. That's it.
And cut everybody else and just ignore the noise. I think that's the thing.
You have to also, you know, you go to something like that and that's when you learn who your friends are. Oh my God, yes.
Wow, friend. Wow.
This is a good friend. Yeah.
And the friend there, you're like, oh, okay. I'm glad this person is gone because.
Totally. You know.
It's painful. And it is painful because when somebody is your friend for like 20 years, 25 years, they frequent your homes.
You give them vacations. You know, they sleep on your couch.
You do things with them.

And when you need them the most, they turn their back on you.

It's very, very painful.

You're like, oh, now I'm not putting on.

It's another loss for me.

Exactly.

It's another loss.

Yeah.

But you know what?

I think you need to go through these losses in order to get out. You just have to.
Because have toxic people around i think that's one of the toughest lessons but as long as we have toxic relationships around you cannot fully heal you just can't no no you know yeah it's just the way it is it's important to get rid of it and and just begin healing one little thing at a time yeah one day it's at a time. It's so important and it's not easy.
It's not an easy journey. Healing is not easy, but we have to go through it.
Well, anybody can do it. If you and I could do it after all this crap, we are in a great place.
You just never want to. We are in a great place.
I think that's how we wanted to.

I think that's the thing, you know, we went through a lot, but we're like, no, we want to be better.

We want to get better.

We want to heal.

Yes.

So, you know, it's important.

I think for me, I tell you one thing, right?

I don't know how long I'm going to live, but I remember, I say that to myself all the time, like every week. I don't want to end up like my parents.
I know it's hard, but I say I do not want to end up like dying sad or broke or depressed or drunk. I want to break this curse, like you said, or spell.
Like I said, I want to make something. I want to leave a beautiful mark in the world with my something.
I want to leave something beautiful behind. I don't know if my podcast episodes touch somebody's heart.
If it's anything that I do, you know, adopting, rescuing dogs or telling stories. I want to leave something positive behind.
Of course. I want to break the cycle, you know, and I think that keeps me going.
And I think you're doing the same. And like you said, you want to create a better life for your son.
So figure out what keeps you going and go after your dreams. Yeah.
I think, you know, I thought about it. I was like, why my purpose? And I think it's just really raising and just a really, really emotional, intelligent, kind, good human.
He is. He's incredible.
That's my priority. He's incredible.
You're very lucky because he's one of the most adorable, special little boys.

He's so advanced.

I know, coming from me and his mom.

I'm like, I'm amazing.

No, but like, seriously, he talks and he's like, are you really 13?

You're not like 18.

It's like crazy how intelligent and advanced he is.

It's like just such an honor being around him.

He's so great.

Thank you.

I'm very proud of you because I know it took a lot of you to do this podcast. It's like just such an honor being around him.
He's so great. Thank you.

I'm very proud of you because I know it took a lot of you to do this podcast.

I was very nervous.

I know.

Speaking of new challenges, we always talk about that, right? Like you got to challenge yourself, try out new things, you know, fight through anxiety,

go for it.

This is a great example, you know, just go. And then once you do it, you're like, wow, I'm so proud of myself.
I can do new things. Yeah.
And I'll bring you back one day. No, yeah.
I'll bring you back because I want to do another episode about dating because today we didn't even have time. Dad, I have time.
Yes, because I want to do an entire episode about dating. We're going to need a few episodes on that.
Yes, for sure. I love you so much.
And I hope you come back soon. And guys, remember the message, I think, is like, do everything with love and go after your dreams.
You can heal any trauma. And please, if you are suffering, if you are under any kind of mental anguish, seek help.
I am attaching a link here to this podcast episode where you can seek help. And there are many, many, many, many resources.
You can reach out to us directly. We have 24-7 open lines of communication through WhatsApp, 1305-332-0338, and via email, contact at Cat on the Loose.
But please seek help. Talk to someone.
Talk to someone. Don't keep it to yourself.
if you don't have relatives like us talk to to a friend or call the hotline, go through the link, call us. We will hook you up.
You are never, ever alone. Right? No, you're not.
Never. There's always, there's always, always something that can be done.
Yes. I truly believe.
Life is too precious. Life is too precious.
Too precious and every single person matters. Yes.
They really do. Yes.
I know my son's dad mattered a lot. Oh, yes.
One minute. A lot.
Yes. I wish you were here so I could hug you.
I know. I know.
Big hug. I love you so much.
I miss you so much. Me too.
I love you. I can't wait until you guys are back here where you belong.

I know.

I can't wait to see you.

I love you guys.

This was a very special Can on the Loose kicking off season five with Ty.

And I'll see you guys very soon.

Be safe out there.

And this one is for everyone that loves to play poker and is planning a trip to Las Vegas.

I just came back from Las Vegas.

I found out about this and I want to share with you guys because I had so much fun.

I'm inviting you to go check out the most fun, most private poker game in town held right inside Aria's Resort VIP Poker Room. It's called Table 1, and I love the name, and it's very fitting because this is the most exclusive, hottest poker table in town right now.
Even if you're not that into poker or new to the game and want to try it out, this is a great opportunity to network with businessmen, athletes, and celebrities in a super exclusive environment. Mr.
Beast has played there. Dan Bilzerian has played there.
Golf Pros have played in it. It's like an elite exclusive social club, but also a really, really fun, cool environment.
And you're going to play Texas No Limit Hold'em, and you're going to have so much fun. It's blowing up.
Definitely one of the hottest places in all of Las Vegas right now. However, your name needs to be on the list in order for you to gain access.
So make sure you send me a message if you want to do it through Instagram, Kat Zamuto, Z-A-M-M-U-T-O, DM there or text me or WhatsApp on 1-310-625-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-425-A-M-M-U-T-O, DM there or text me or WhatsApp on 1310-6920-578 to reserve your seat for priority access. And I am going to give you some incredible special comps that are only available to my guests.
You guys got to listen to this. They will reimburse your Aria hotel fee for up to $350 for each day you play the game.
They will give you private transportation from the airport to the hotel, and they will give you access to special airfare deals for business and first-class tickets. I mean, these guys will totally roll out the red carpet for you and you're going

to have so much fun. So if you're planning a trip to Las Vegas, let me hook you up with table one

and you are going to love it. Don't forget, send me a message.
Hey, Jamie McDonald here.

This is my brand new song. Be sure to check out my breakout single, Desperate, on all streaming platforms.