*PREVIEW* Soochow, The Drunk, Racist, Marine Corps Dog *LIVE IN GLASGOW*

Virtually every group of soldiers ever sent somewhere eventually adopts a dog or a cat or fucking something because there's a hole inside us and we're trying to fill it with something that loves us because our parents and our friends don't.

And you know the stripper's lying when she says it to you as well.

Yes.

Yeah, we know, we know.

It's fine.

It's wrong that they do it, but listen, respect the game.

I know my dog doesn't love me either.

I'm just one that feeds it.

The Marines did their best to keep Such a secret in their guard posts because they didn't want their commander, a guy named Joseph McCaffrey, nicknamed Little Joe, because he was about five feet tall.

Then being, you know, a little angry guy, they didn't want him to find the dog and to make him get rid of it, or worse, make him shoot it or something, because, again, Marines.

But it was only a matter of time until Little Joe found out.

And one night while touring his Marines' guard post, he discovered a group of Marines, and I swear to God this is true, gathered in a circle attempting to teach Such how to smoke a cigarette.

Yes!

Yes!

I hate it.

I hate it when my homunculus company commander finds me peer pressuring a dog to smoke.

Just a circle of Marines going, yes, yes, yes.

Fuck.

And your CO who looks like fucking Justin Barrett Littler from Ireland walks up.

What are you doing?

Please better stop doing that.

Cigarettes are for people, not for dogs.

It was stopped through

dogs don't even have a T-zone.

It's not good for their health.

Now, of course, McCaffrey at first is very upset about them having a dog.

Maybe also upset about them feeding its cigarettes.

I don't know.

But then they're like, wait, sir, we have to show you what this dog is good at.

So they went and found a Chinese person and just kind of pushed him in.

I mean, thankfully.

Thankfully, I should point out this dog is really small, like maybe five kilos.

It's like, fuck it, this guy sees the dog be racist.

It's like J.

Robert Oppenheimer watching that dog.

It was like this weird mutt thing.

It looks something like, there's pictures of it,

but it looks like if you took a Jack Wrestle Terrier, you're just going to beat the shit out of it.

There's just one other officer who's like Einstein in the movie.

So like, be careful what you wish for.

This dog might get so racist it'll set the atmosphere on fire.

No, the dog can differentiate between types of white people next.

It's going to be racist against the Slavs in the unit.

Not a single safe

inside.

We can't control it.

It's parting at everyone.

It's biting the Italians.

And so they push a local Chinese guy in from the dog.

Of course, Such loses his mind and Captain McCaffrey's like, we'll keep him.

I like this dog.

It reminds me of my daughter.

That joke makes no sense.

That's just so bad.

Shut the fuck up.

Marines quickly tailored him a little Marine uniform and got, I know, right?

But also he's racist.

But he's got a little uniform.

Once again, Justin Barrett, leader of the Nationalist Party in Ireland.

Dresses up like Hitler and he's like 5'2.

So

after this, he got free range of the Marine compound there to do whatever he wanted, though he still mostly hung out at the guard post to bark at any Chinese people who dared to exist near him.

And I should underline here, Such didn't just have one uniform.

He had a version of every Marine Corps uniform.

Aw, hell yeah.

Who made these?

The Marines did.

Like the Marines, well the Marines got the fabric together out of their old shitty uniforms and brought them to Chinese tailors who then made, like, who probably looked at them.

They brought them to Chinese tailors for the dog that hates Chinese people.

It's the most American thing to do.

Oh, God.

Like he had the work greens.

He had the like the traditional Marine Corps dress uniform with the little hat.

He had everything.

He ate the hat eventually.

Just to bring it back to teaching it how to smoke, would it not make more sense to give the dog dip?

If the dog liked it and got addicted to it, then it would just go fucking like absolute ape shit if it didn't have dip.

These guys wouldn't be like, they would be, you know, the dog would smell Copenhagen inside their cargo pockets, start ripping into the bag.

And the dog just walking around with one fat lip.

There are a lot of stories about the good things that Such did, like fight off meaner stray dogs that might bite the Marines or barking at the night night to warn them of like Japanese infiltrators coming into the settlement.

There is even stories of Such wearing his tiny little Marine dress uniform standing alongside the rest of the men on parade ground and learning how to salute.

Wait, what?

None of that happened.

One Marine described Such thusly.

Quote, Such was worthless.

He couldn't fight his way out of a paper sack.

He was also ugly as sin, but we loved him anyway.

He couldn't do shit.

He was completely pointless and worthless.

The only thing he existed to do was entertain the Marines by eating cigarettes and barking at Chinese people.

I mean, look at, you know, 50 years later, they would have had like, you know, Smash Mouth doing this.

I feel like he could get Such could get a cabinet position currently.

He is as accomplished as Pete Hegseth.

I love the idea.

It's like Ram Emmanuel, ambassador to Japan, trading out with the new ambassador, the racist dog.

But from here, Such became a China Marine as much as any of them were.

And when Marines got passes to leave the Marine compound and go into the settlement, Such went with them.

And he went with them everywhere that Marines went in China.

Bars, opium deads, brothels.

Yes.

Such is right there.

Yes, the dog is smoking opium.

The dog is smoking.

He's drinking, stumbling back drunk to his compound and vomiting on the ground alongside.

Honestly, when you mentioned Such.

You'd think there was a tiny dog brothel, though.

Otherwise, was he just...

Who was having...

Who was okay with Such watching?

That's a real weird way to discover that's what you're into.

That's the most fucked up version of voyeurism.

It's a weirder way to find out that's what Such is into.

Well, also, it's like

when you mentioned...

He goes wild when you do a doggy style.

Doing the cigarette thing.

Like, they're making him smoke cigarettes.

I'm like, well, it's Marines.

They're in China, and they have rudimentary gas masks in the 1930s.

You know, they got this dog to smoke opium in a gas mask.

They did, yeah.

Yes.

Like, you understand this.

I don't even wouldn't really necessarily be voyeurism because that dog would be fucking traveling through time.

That dog is seeing sex you're going to have next century.

I feel comfortable saying this is the highest any dog has ever been.

This is like the Leica of opium.

No, this is this is this reminds me of a friend of mine who had a dog who

during COVID, he just smoked so much weed in his house that his dog would get stoned as well.

And the dog would get noticeably irritated if he hadn't smoked in the house in a while.

Sorry, I have to smoke weed, my dog's getting mad at me.

In the morning, after a long night of drinking, Such would wake up with the Marines and go out on their once-weekly 20-mile-long rock march.

And like the Marines, he often vomited during it.

After going on several of these, Captain McCaffrey decided that Such had done enough to warrant being promoted.

So he ordered Private Ford to go get Private First Class rank and sewed on Such's tiny little uniforms, meaning he now outranked the guy that was taking care of him.

Like, imagine being a Marine and now your alcoholic, angry, opium-addicted dog outranks you.

Like, I feel like I've failed in my professional career.

I have to go take my dog to the brothel, and it's not for me.

Don't mind him.

I'll just put him on the shelf.

He just likes to watch.

It's okay.

Though Such's rank never lasted long.

He was demoted constantly.

He's not racist enough.

The racism is one of the reasons why he was still around.

The problem is, is like he sucked at everything else.

Sometimes this was for sleeping in, other times it's for shitting indoors,

or in one case pissing on the floor of the Marine Corps non-commissioned officer club, which I fully support as a former non-commissioner.

Once again, this dog is so unbranded for being a Marine.

Well, it's just like,

it's a dog, and you're feeding it stuff dogs weren't supposed to have.

Oh, it gets much worse, trust me.

Oh, God.

One time he got demoted for fighting another dog and having his uniform get all torn up in the process.

He would get demoted and face no other punishment because like, he's a dog.

And then he'd just be allowed to go out into town anyway.

And in case you're wondering, yes, according to the Marines, Suj had a favorite drink.

Two of them.

You want to guess what it was?

I'm going to say brandy and blood.

Thank you for making the dog Armenian, I guess, mate.

Rye whiskey and lager.

Closest.

Dog full bowl, dog bowl full of beer was his favorite.

His second was a whole dog full full of rum and coke.

Yes!

And in case you're wondering, how did this dog not die?

This is not going to be the only time you ask this during this episode.