598: No Such Thing As Quantum Baseball

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Hi, everyone.

Welcome to this week's episode of No Such Thing as a Fish.

We have a very exciting announcement for you if you live in London or if you live anywhere else in the world.

That should cover most of you, I think.

Yeah, that's it.

If you're on the ISS, I'm sorry, this is not for you.

Click forward.

We are doing a couple of live shows at the Fantastic London Podcast Festival.

We're doing them next week.

If you're listening to this as it goes out, it's the 5th and 6th of September.

It's going to be so much fun we have two unbelievably special guests do you want to say who they are james yeah they are titans of podcasting i would say yeah doyennes of podcasting grande dame de podcasting absolutely they are richard osman of the rest is entertainment podcast and it's only blumming jamie martin from my dad wrote a pano the greatest of all the podcasts That's right.

Richard and Jamie are going to be joining us live on stage and it's going to be so much fun and it's going to to be especially fun if you're either in the room or watching the live stream of it because and this is one for everyone around the world we're doing a live stream and you get to see all the bits that we edit out of the final show because they're just too darn funny or too rude or too exciting.

Absolutely.

And if you are on the ISS but you're coming down the seven days subsequent to the shows that we're doing, then don't worry because the streams will be available to watch for seven days after the live event.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So really this is an entire human species experience.

And if you're an animal listening to this, if you're a chicken or a monkey or an alligator, just ask the nearest human to set you up with a live streaming ticket and they will be able to do that.

Absolutely.

So, for details about those shows, which are on Friday, the 5th of September and Saturday, the 6th of September, with Richard and Jamie, go to no suchthingasafish.com/slash live, and right there, you can get tickets to the festival if there's any left.

And all those lovely, lovely live stream tickets.

Brilliant.

I think that's it, isn't it?

That's all I have on my list.

It's me too.

Let's do the show.

On with the podcast.

On with the show.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to another episode of No Such Things a Fish.

This is one of our audience fact specials where we're going to talk about your facts.

My name is Andrew Hunter-Murray.

I'm here in the QI offices in Hoban with Dan Schreiber, Anna Tashinsky, and James Harkin.

We have gathered around the table with three months worth of crisp, fresh, hot,

good audience facts.

And we're going to be sharing them with you.

And

we've had some cracking stuff in the inbox, as we always do.

We have, and you've circulated round to the three of us, the choicest cuts.

Absolutely.

But

I haven't verified the stuff I've sent you you or done any extra research.

So this is mostly audience emails without that filtration system.

Well, you never know.

We might have verified or done extra research.

Depends how diligent we are.

Also, listener, listen out to what we're all saying and work out for yourselves if Andy has kept the choicest cuts to himself.

Yeah.

Why don't you give us a fact to start off with, Andy?

Okay, here's a fun one.

This is from Pete Nissen, who says a computer engineer for the astronomy department at a prestigious U.S.

university.

Sorry, that's who he is.

Jesus Christ.

Have you read these?

Pete works.

I think we've got the answer if he's kept the choicest cuts.

Hasn't even read them.

Pete works at a prestigious U.S.

university and is a computer engineer for the astronomy department.

He says every single faculty member firmly believes that alien life probably exists, but the distances are too big and the laws of physics too rigid for aliens to ever visit Earth.

Yeah, that's what I think as well.

Okay.

However, I've recently come into possession of hard evidence that contradicts this.

Then you feel like an idiot, James.

I'm so annoyed that I put my cards on the table.

Anyway, so here's Pete's evidence.

The first human, in quotes, to walk on the moon was Neil Armstrong.

I agree with that.

Okay.

Oh, James.

Oh, you've done it again.

Neil Armstrong, spelled backwards, is

Gnaughts, Mr.

Alien.

That's right.

Apart from that word gnaughts, which doesn't mean anything in our languages, Mr.

Alien is irrefutable proof, as Pete calls it, and he's going to be presenting that at the next faculty meeting.

Well, I got to say, I'm quite glad that I put my cards on the table nice and early now.

Sounds like Dan was well versed in this age-old alien backwards view other people.

Well, I knew Neil A is alien backwards.

As in, have people talked about that before?

Is this all over?

Yeah, yeah, that's a big thing.

But it's not used in terms of a conspiracy theory.

It's just used as like, oh what a nice coincidence like um buzz aldrin's mother's maiden name was moon actually kind of thing

exactly i read one who's the third one michael collins michael collins probably can do something with that do it at home

snillock

i read a while ago that the reason we haven't had aliens here yet is because any civilization that can travel through outer space will necessarily have also created technology that can wipe itself out.

Yeah, interesting.

And then there's another theory, which is that we always talk about the distance of space, but we sometimes forget how much time there has been since the beginning of the universe.

So you might have had a civilization that got to where we've got to, ready to go out, spacefaring.

And then, as James says, they wipe themselves out.

And we've just lived two billion years distant from them when they were active and they were ready and they were sending signals into space.

It's like a rom-com sort of meet-cute, missing out on each other.

Yeah, exactly.

Michael Collins does contain all the letters of the word alien, just so you know.

I wondered why you weren't paying attention attention when I said all that stuff.

Also, cockmills.

Alien cockmills.

So...

Okay, that's interesting.

Are they making bread out of them?

My research hasn't revealed that yet.

Wow.

I'll do some more anagrams and work it out.

Let's have another fact.

Okay, this one is from Jorge Marillo

or George Murillo.

And they say that 10 million people in South America can understand Jabba the Hut.

Ooh.

That's so interesting.

I assumed that was a made-up made-up language.

So has it been a language that's been adopted?

It's a made-up language called Hutties

and it's in Star Wars, of course, for anyone who doesn't know Star Wars.

But it was invented by, it was based on a language called Quechua, which is spoken in South America.

And there is enough words in Quechua that if you're...

well versed in that language, you can listen to Star Wars and you pick little bits up.

That's so good.

So it's like a dialect?

I guess so.

Or it's a bit like a Portuguese person in Spain could sort of piece a lot of it together, maybe.

Yes, a bit like that.

A bit like how if we hear sort of a Dutch person talking, we can kind of pick up bits of it, but it's a different language.

I have no idea what they're saying.

Wow.

Some of the words from Quechua in English, alpaca, condor, guano, lima, as in the beans.

It's all quite that part of the world related stuff, isn't it?

They haven't given us the word chow mein.

But they've they've sensibly left that to the experts i suppose so i suppose there's quite a few queture languages um as in there it's like a language group and one of them is called the wenca language oh

there you go that feels like your bonus research it does yeah that's from my own files because i actually um i was there in south america a while ago and i bought a football jersey from the team the potivo wenca oh yeah

that's what they're named after named after these people i thought you were going to say, and I kept hearing people call, Wanker.

Your guy told you no, that's a local language.

Did Jorge say something about his grandparents?

He said that they were having lunch one day, he and his sister and his family, and they got to a bit where, and the reason I didn't read this out is because these are people I'd never heard of.

Greedo holds Han Solo at gunpoint.

And almost immediately they kind of looked at each other because they recognised what they were saying.

Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's amazing.

You know, Star Wars, I read about the other day.

So the planet where Obi-Wan Kenobi comes from, do you know what it's called?

I thought it was called Tatooine.

No.

So that's where he was based.

That's where he lived.

Wardor.

Yes.

It's a crossover we didn't know existed.

It's called Stoojohn.

It's called Stoojohn because George Lucas was being interviewed by Jon Stewart.

who asked the question, where's Obi-Wan Kenobi from?

And he said, oh no, Stoojohn.

And so it's officially canon.

And I don't like that.

No, we can't.

Because George Lucas can just say anything in an interview.

And

it's not in the movies.

Exactly.

Yeah.

No, exactly.

Hence the question.

That's a bit like papal infallibility, but it's a bit of a curse.

As in, if anything you say becomes canon,

you know, he's going to be watch his mouth.

It's like Nixon's argument, you know.

If the president does it, it isn't illegal.

If I say it, it's true.

Well, be careful what you say.

Thank God Nixon was the last person to think that.

Do you remember?

I don't know if we did it, but there was a Jedi, because there's a big encyclopedia of peripheral characters and they put them all together and someone came up with a new character and called him Bates.

And so it got officially put in as Master Bates and they missed it.

The person missed the joke.

And so that's an official Jedi according to these.

And there are a type of music called Jiz.

Oh, yeah, that's space.

Yeah.

Space jazz.

Space jazz.

Master Bates doing space jazz.

The Pugwash crossover sounds like it's imminent.

Klingon is a language from not Star Wars, Star Trek.

The other one.

Indeed.

And I found out the other day that they filmed the first Klingon scenes before they'd written the language.

So, you know, it's quite a complex language.

It's one of those quite developed languages.

Yeah, so they film the scenes and they just mouth random stuff for the scenes.

And then the guy who is one of these special linguists who they bring on to actually write the language afterwards had to make the language match the mouth movements of the initial Klingon scene.

Really?

Wow.

First language ever based on mouthing nonsense.

That's really good.

That's quite clever.

That's really good.

Hannah?

You know the fact?

Yep, this is from Hannah Biddle, who says that she's sending in a particularly Harkinian fact, and I strongly agree.

And I don't know if I approve of it.

But here it is.

During his career, Raphael Nadal used 300 kilometers of string in 1,250 Babelat rackets.

Now, she's added those two together for no reason that's really explained.

So she's got 1,550.

And then she says, as we know, Rafa hails from Mallorca.

Majorca to the French Open in Paris is 1,208 kilometers.

And then Paris to Wimbledon is 340, making the total trip length basically 1,550 kilometers.

So if you add up the length.

Shouldn't she be multiplying them together?

She shouldn't be doing any of this.

And that's what we say to you, James, after your fans.

There's no logic to why she's adding the number of Babelak rackets to the kilometers of string she's used and then just use the distance from Mallorca to the French Open to Wimbledon.

So the amount of string is the total amount of string as well.

Yeah, it's the full length of strings.

That makes perfect sense, Hannah.

Because once you've taken out all the string to measure, then what are you left with?

The racket.

The number of rackets.

So you just have to count the rackets and then you measure out the string end to end.

And then why is Rafa just going from Majorca to the French Open to Wimbledon?

Welcome to the Australian Open.

You need to go to a whole lot more rackets to get to the Australian Open.

Hannah.

I appreciate it.

It's very good.

Good work, Biddle.

Well done.

Very good.

I go on here from Becca Nelson.

Says, hope you haven't come across this before.

The first female dentist in England was called Dr.

Payne.

Middle name Fanny.

Nice.

So Dr.

Lily Fanny Payne.

It does sound like gynecology was the area that she should have gone into.

Yeah.

Well, I did Google to find out more about her.

A little heads up for anyone wanting to do the same.

Put quote marks around the name

because you do come up with some interesting stuff.

She's 1895.

She was studying to become a dentist and it wasn't allowed in England.

So she went to Scotland and everyone was saying, you can't can't become a dentist.

You're taking the bread out of some good man's mouth.

You can't do this.

But that's where she was looking for the bread in the first place.

So yeah, so she studied there.

She built up a huge debt, came back to England, was allowed to become a doctor.

So doctor, Lily Fanny Payne.

And she spent the first number of years of her job paying off the debt that she accrued from going to Scotland.

Well, welcome to being a student and then getting a job, Fanny.

That's what happens.

If you didn't want the debt, don't take the course you just reminded me Dan there was a famous British educationalist and feminist and what year was Fanny Payne 1895 is when I think she became this woman was alive too she was called Fanny Hurts oh Fanny Payne and Fanny Hurts is a good Edinburgh fringe show yes waiting oh buddy cops oh they're cops oh yeah oh they're cops

what are they

they always go for the crotch i suppose

fly kick you

can i give you guys another?

Yeah.

This is from Jakob Vool, who starts off possibly too sad, but it is funny.

Okay.

So a mixed message coming in at the top.

I assumed that if you're killing a highly endangered pangolin, you know those things?

They're kind of, they're covered in amazing scales.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're almost like armadillos.

Yeah.

They're like an armadillo anteater cross.

Yeah, yeah.

Like they are amazing.

They're the most trafficked animal in the world.

Wow.

And they're very,

for that reason, increasingly rare.

So I assume that if you're killing a pangolin, pangolin, you're doing it because the scales are used in traditional Chinese medicine, which they are.

But a survey of more than 800 hunters and meat traders in Nigeria found that the pangolin is considered to be the most delicious of all the animals.

Is it now?

In addition to being extremely tasty, 89% of them were captured by simply picking them up off the ground.

Yeah, that's the problem.

They're naive, aren't they?

That's what you call an animal who'll just let you pick them up.

Naive animal.

That was too sad.

That was actually too sad to cover.

Sorry.

Where's the funny bit?

i'm still waiting for that punch line is that they're so tasty i think that's the funny bit

do you remember turtles are really tasty as well the giant the giant tortoises of the galapagos that's the problem with these animals yeah they need to evolve some bitterness

do you think what's made us so successful as the human race is just we'd actually taste gross well there's a lewis leakey theory isn't there that that's why we have b o so that other animals won't eat us yeah he thinks that we became the dominant species because lions basically came up to us smelt us and went nah no way

and and he said that you would often find that if there was a dead human, the animal wouldn't start eating it until it had rotted and it had maggots and so on.

That's when we were nicest.

Exactly.

So we could be ruining our chances of survival by inventing perfume.

At this point, the lions are coming up and going, yum.

Yeah.

Lynx Africa.

Yeah.

Don't wear that in the jungle.

Do you remember a few weeks ago we were talking about why people have beards?

Yeah.

And we were like, well, it could only be either to attract women or to sort of get on

terrifying other men.

Or what if it is to make you unpalatable to animals?

Like they get a little hair stuck in the tail.

Yeah really annoying to eat.

And it's right at the top.

It's probably your head is the first bit they're going to eat.

Especially lion tamers.

Exactly.

So that's

interesting.

That's a good thought.

That's a good theory.

When the Quakers founded the new city in Pennsylvania, they decided to call it Philadelphia.

Yeah.

After the Egyptian city, because they thought it meant brotherly love.

Unfortunately, the translation was a bit off, and it meant sibling love to honor the practice of brother-sister marriage in the Ptolemaic dynasty.

I did not know that.

I thought it was just brotherly love.

That's what I thought as well.

So it turns out that the Quakers inadvertently named their city Incest Bill,

according to Joe Brooksmith.

That is a good fact.

That's so funny.

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Hi, Andy!

You know what I love doing?

It's learning languages.

We learned French at school, and all I remember about it is the phrase sand de cat d'Iniciatif, which we were told meant tourist office, but actually is a very old-fashioned way of saying tourist office, and what they actually say is office de tourisme.

Oh, mom brav.

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On with the podcast.

On ever.

Are we allowed to mention facts that actually aren't correct?

But I think it's a useful thing to know if you've sent one in, right?

What you got?

So, Stephen Corcoran, I'm afraid you've sent in a fact saying Karl Marx's great-great-grandson does parkour and has a YouTube video called Exclamation Marks.

Terrific fact.

I thought we might have even said that on this podcast.

Wait, no, do you remember what happened with this fact?

What happened with it?

Okay, so I submitted this as a fact and we were going for it as a headline fact.

And I found the parkour guy and I got in contact with him and we had a chat.

And he's not, either he said it jokingly in an interview once, or it was just put in an interview and it spreads.

Yeah, so it's not, so that's not true.

But I just happened upon Karl Marx's daughter's names.

He had three daughters.

Do you know what they were called?

Quotation.

Very good.

Stretch.

And

skid.

No, they were all called Jenny.

Oh, okay.

Oh,

that's why.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought they were going to be called like capital and labor and

combine harvester.

Yeah.

We wouldn't wish that upon them.

Speaking of marks and names, it just reminds me of a fact that I submitted to you guys for a headline and we turned down, which is that there is a Brazilian footballer called Marks Lennon and he's a left-winger.

Oh,

that's great.

There's another Karl Marx fact, which is not true, but it gets peddled around as a truth, which is, you know, how he's buried in Highgate Cemetery.

So he has a giant, huge

gravestone with his head on top.

And apparently some...

A statue of his head.

There's another big gravestone.

And then Karl Marx's decomposing head sitting there.

Oh, I see.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's a huge statue of his head.

And supposedly, some anarchists wanted to get rid of it, and they put a bomb underneath it.

And it blew up, but it malfunctioned.

So it only blew up a tiny bit.

And if anything, the only damage to it is that the graves has slightly shifted to the left.

and that's that's been peddled around everywhere and there's no evidence for it there's some not true karl marks facts actually though speaking of karl marks i did find out something quite funny last week listening to the diane abbott interview so for international listeners diane abbott one of our mps got herself in trouble um in the last couple of weeks but she got herself in trouble on a podcast where she was being interviewed about her life and she went out with jeremy corbyn and she was talking about the early days of their relationship and she said that um she used to whine and whine and whine saying

You never take me out, we never go anywhere, we never do anything.

And so he said, Okay, I'll treat you fine, finally.

I'll go out.

And she really properly got all dressed up, doled up, got really excited, you know, cancelled her plans for that evening.

And he took her to Highgate Cemetery to look at Karl Marx's grave.

Wow.

And that was when she thought, oh, you would have liked that, wouldn't you?

I've had grave dates, yeah.

I've done those.

I went to see William McGonagall's grave on a date once.

Yeah.

Did you?

Where is he buried?

Edinburgh.

See?

Yeah.

Long way to go for a date.

Oh, yeah.

It was a cost of ton.

Did the other person appreciate it?

She actually got off the train at about

on the table.

Please fall again.

Quite an esoteric joke, that.

Perfect.

Internationalists have all turned off at this point.

Interesting.

Is it true about Karl Marx's grave that is it Herbert Spencer, who he really hated, is buried right next to him?

Yeah, it's on the opposite side.

So they're basically looking at each other.

I'm smelling sitcom.

Yeah, Marks and Spencer.

Marks and Spencer.

I've got another fact here.

This is sent in by Daniel Atkinson, who's recently got into watching Sumo and so has consumed a ton of sumo information.

So he says sumo wrestlers have to take taxis and ride bikes everywhere.

This is because there are so many sumo-related car accidents that the sumo federation has banned them.

So they're banned because they're terrible at driving.

Well, the problem is that when one sumo wrestler in a car hits another one, they then just will keep driving until they've driven the other one off the road.

Like, that's the really sad bit.

I really have.

Sorry, they get bikes.

That's got to look good.

Those tires have got to withstand quite the pressure.

That's a good point.

I've never seen a sumo on a bike.

Have you?

No.

But we don't live in Japan.

Maybe in Japan, they're 10 and penny.

Yeah.

It's possible.

Please,

I've been to the yearly final of Sumo in Tokyo.

And I reckon that they all turned because they're all, I think they're all quite rich, aren't they?

Sumo wrestlers these days.

They all had cars that were taking them in because we saw some of them arrive.

Okay.

You didn't see anyone wobbling along.

I'm like stabilizers.

We've done so many good facts about sumo over the years.

Do you remember the one about the guy who had the top of his head altered because he needed to get the height requirement in order to become a sumo?

Do you have stuff put in?

Yeah, it's like it was like basically like a lump of fat.

It was like a breast implant basically just put in the top of his skull and then Sexy.

Yeah, exactly.

And then there was

the fact that the judges all carry a knife on them in case they make a wrong call out of honor.

They have to kill themselves on the spot.

Yeah.

It doesn't happen that often anymore, does it?

And how wrong does the call have to be?

Is it like, I give him a four for that?

No, a three.

Here's a good fact.

From Matt Fisher.

After serving a four-year prison term for forging the Hitler diaries, Conrad Kujow began selling authentic forgeries under his own name.

He often had to authenticate his forgeries because other forgers were selling forged, authentic Konrad Kujow forgeries.

Oh my god, oh wow.

And I did a bit more digging on this.

And basically he came out of prison, he did a little bit of time, and then he set up a shop selling forged,

is it, Juan Miro paintings and maybe some fake Dalis as well, but he was acknowledging they were fake.

It's pretty easy to fake a Miro.

Is it?

Those are just circles and triangles, aren't they?

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Not relevant.

But basically, I found out how he got into forging the Hitler diaries.

That's quite a thing to do, isn't it?

He collected a lot of Nazi memorabilia.

He was an avid collector of Nazi memorabilia.

Always a good sign.

He bought, and the prices in the West were way higher than they were in East Germany or West Germany because obviously there's demand overseas and it wasn't legal.

So he often got his stuff confiscated.

And I guess there was more available on the German market than there was in the West.

So he then started forging authentication details for his stuff to make it more valuable.

So he got a First World War helmet, which was a real First World War helmet.

And he said, oh, this was Hitler's helmet.

And here's a certificate saying it.

Interesting.

And then he started doing stationery and letters.

And they were really primitive.

They were aged with T, and they were like children's school projects.

But he was getting better and better.

And then he started doing...

I don't really remember much about that story.

But people fell for it, did they?

Yeah, they they would have fell for it the sunday times bought them really the hitler diaries

embarrassing it was one of the most embarrassing things

what

ever happened to a newspaper yeah wow but they were partly fooled because there were 61 volumes available whoa i know he did a lot of writing why did that make it the more easily fooled i would have thought of the sunny times but hitler was a busy man how did he have time to write all this i think if you just give them one page that goes oh gonna invade poland tomorrow then they might think oh yeah this has just been knocked up by someone.

But exactly that, but if it's 60 volumes of him saying, bloody Stalin.

But 60 volumes, that's a hell of an investment of time if you suddenly hand it over and someone goes, this is a fake.

It's nine years writing this.

I was born with a tiger mustache.

For at least 300 years, one common insult against a king was that they had pooed in the font while being baptized.

This is according to Cass L, and they read it in a book called The Anglo-Saxons by Matt Morris, and they're referring to Ethelred the Unready.

Right.

So, yeah, people didn't really rate him very much, and they thought, We're just going to make this up about him.

As far as I know, he didn't poo in the font.

What was the nappy situation back then?

Great question.

Sumo hadn't been invented.

What were they wearing?

Cloth, I guess.

Yeah, you could just wear cloth.

I think a lot of kids would just go without.

it.

Would be cold, wouldn't it?

The king, I would think, would have a royal diaper.

Yeah, swaddling cloths.

I thought that was a person.

Like, you are.

You just carry, you get shallow and get pissed on.

Who are you?

I'm not in the royal diaper.

So, would they dunk the whole baby in?

I'm just thinking of the baptisms that my kids have had, and it's very much water over the head.

Oh, they often would dunk in.

Right, so you can't do it.

Like, traditionally, a proper baptism, your head should go under, really.

Is that your head?

Yeah, like a waterboarding.

This is like That's precisely how waterboarding works.

You're not demanding information from.

Do you know what?

I've never been to a baptism and I've never touched wood.

I've never been waterboarded.

Do you deny the devil

and all his pinions?

Screw you, cover.

Do you remember, have I told you guys that thing of when Wilf was being baptized, what happened to me?

So I was handed to you.

Oh, you shattered the photography.

I remember the thought.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I forgot to put on my nappy.

So

I was holding him and I had to read a piece out.

So I was holding Wilf, reading a piece out from a bit of paper and I then had to put the paper down behind me on the table and then hold Wolf with two hands.

So I put the paper down behind me and I came back and the guy started reading the prayers and I just suddenly was like, oh my God, something's on fire.

What the hell is on fire?

And I turned around to see and the paper wasn't touching and there were a few candles there.

And I looked down and my armhair was lit up because I'd gone over a candle as I did it.

Yeah, I was on fire.

I mean, it was, you know, slowly going out, but I had had to.

I mean, it does feel like the devils had something to do with that, doesn't it?

So, Mrs.

Schreiber, do you believe in God?

I do.

Why are you on fire then?

Can someone cover that crucifix, please?

There's a species of finch.

That's named after a guy called Finch.

What a great fact.

Lovely.

Great little fact from, well, Andy, Andy, you've said it's from someone called Colin Surname.

Wow.

And the surname was named after Colin Smith, I believe.

I think Colin signed his email Colin surname.

He must have.

So that's odd from you, Colin.

But a great fact nonetheless, it is correct.

Maybe he's from Suriname, and it's just

so there's a finch called the Finch, but no one knows it's named after them because it's just called the Finch.

Is it called the Finch Finch?

Well, it's called Finch's euphonia in fact um and it's in the finch family i've got one other name fact this is from hannah wallace of florida uh the discography of 98 year old jazz musician dick hyman includes the 1966 album i'll never be the same some of hyman's other albums include the sensuous piano of d

and the man from o-r-g-a-n

the man from organ

we've met him before haven't we have we friends on the podcast have we sure we have dick hyman My friends used to have a comedy double act called Dick and Hyman, but that was their names.

Really?

Yeah.

It makes me...

Because a Dick Hyman, you don't know what that would be.

They don't normally have them.

No.

Molly McInerney writes that an engineer refurbishing and installing old Cine operated payphones, that person's name is Patrick Schlott.

However, the College Slots will not actually be used because the public phone service will be free.

Oh, okay.

But I assume he's worked on other schlots.

100%.

Schlott is such a good surname.

It's really good.

Schlott surnames.

You go for a casino afterwards.

That's what I do.

Yeah.

Pat Schlott is what James Bond would do at a casino.

Pat Schlott.

Pat Schlott.

Pat the Schlott.

It's a Sean Connery joke.

Yeah, but what's the pat?

Well,

you have to test all electronic items.

You have to pat test them.

I've just got a pat the schlot.

Shake yourself off.

James, you're absolutely pulled by not by it.

Anyway, I'm not sure about this Bond movie.

Why should I said another

again?

Mark Weldon Lowe says that the granddaughter of famous artist David Shepard is a lamb.

And that's her married name.

She's called Lamb.

And her grandfather was Shepard.

That's very good.

I go and hear from Jake from Illinois, who says when the Ferris wheel debuted at the Columbian World Exposition in 1893 in Chicago, they needed to expedite the painting process.

Supposedly, Francis Davis Millett

was it that they just held a paintbrush at the bottom and let the wheel go around so they didn't have to move.

That's how I was doing it.

That makes total sense.

Yeah.

Well, supposedly, what actually happened was Francis Davis Millett, who was the decorations director, invented spray paint specifically so that the Ferris wheel could be done in time.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Here is quite a nice one.

It's from John O'Connell Jr.

And it's a little like the Nadal tennis racket stretching fact in that it's got a distance in it.

It's also a stretch.

Well, this is a...

This one is true, though.

I've followed it up.

So, John says, since French Guiana is part of France, I don't really know much about French Guiana.

I know it's in South America.

I know it's near the top.

And I know it's...

That's all you really need to know.

What else do you expect to know?

What is exactly the number of dogs living there like you know main exports chief exports i don't know the chief export um cane sugar probably maybe but 41 percent of it is amazonian um rainforest it's very rainforesty anyway it is but it is part of france in legal terms

so it's one of the départements right well i didn't know that even really

So since French Guiana is part of France, John writes, and France is part of the European Union, the largest national park in the EU is in South America, not in Europe, which I like.

Because the biggest national park is

there.

Following on from this, Brazil is the country with which France shares its longest land border.

Yeah.

And I did not, I thought, what about Germany and Spain?

They're massive.

And they're both shorter than the Brazil-French Guiana border.

Yeah, that's a really great fact.

It's kind of a little bit, it comes up in quizzes a fair bit, that one.

I once went to Réunion,

which is an island in the

Pacific or the South Atlantic or somewhere.

No, it's in the Indian Ocean.

Oh my gosh.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it?

It's just in the east of Africa.

It's just in the east of Africa.

But that's also a French de Patimon.

So you don't need to go through any security to go between them or any passport control.

Oh, wow.

And I think it's the world's longest domestic flight that goes from Charles to Paul to there.

It was something like 14 hours.

And does that come up in quizzes?

That one I'm not so sure.

I never heard it before.

Do you have a worry that going to lots of quizzes, as you do, blunts your sense of wonder at the most amazing facts in the world?

I'm not sure I ever had a sense of wonder.

Although this really shook me to the core, a message from Jake, who had been to the Kelvin Grove Museum in Glasgow and learned that people would chisel off penises of the gods to use as aphrodisiacs

in ancient Egypt.

Ah, okay, okay.

Eat them or snort them?

It's not clear, to be honest, but I I think you would sprinkle it on your ice cream.

Brine and sprinkle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At first, I thought he was saying that they use them as dildos.

And I thought that would be interesting idea.

Well, certainly it'd be, yeah, very interesting.

That explains why you got kicked out of looking at the Elkin marbles, didn't it?

Penises of the Gods is a very evocative phrase.

Yeah.

It's something about, it feels, well, it's like Eric von Deniken's, what's his book called?

Chariots of the Gods.

Chariots of the Gods.

Yeah.

It's a sequel.

And they were quite small then, so actually, maybe it wouldn't.

I think there wasn't this big onus on penis size.

Were they big statues, though, or do you mean they were tiny statues?

Penis size or statues?

Penis size, right?

I actually think, like, there are some Egyptian gods that had quite large penises.

Oh, the Egyptian gods had a really big penis.

I'm sorry, did you say Barbie?

Barbie.

B-A-B-I.

He was like the monkey god who would take you across to the underworld.

And he had a penis that could be used as a sail.

So Ken's sail or an oar to hold up the sail.

Or a mast.

A mast, yeah.

So Ken doesn't get a penis, but Barbie does.

There we go.

Very good.

Did we talk about the destruction of the Herms?

Because the Herms were all, they were Greek statues, I think, and they were

a bust of a head and shoulders, but then they did have a little willy sticking out in front.

And they were fertility things.

And I'm sure there was a period in Greece which was the demolition of the Herms when Athens was invaded by someone or other.

All the Herms got chiseled off.

Yeah,

well, I think that was quite common.

That you would, if you went to a place and you wanted to disfigure their gods, you would kind of disfigure the faces, but you would also cut off the genitals.

But that's just what you do today as well, isn't it?

I mean, that's like the obvious thing to do.

You see a statue with genitals, which bit you're going to take.

Yeah, you'll take the willy.

Nope, fair enough.

Yeah, wait, what were the hermes?

I've never heard of these things.

What were they attached to?

If it was just a head and shoulders, and then was it sticking out of the bottom?

It was like a column of marble.

You know, it was like a column of marble.

Shoulders, Peter's floor, peda's floor.

Yeah, it's a column, and then they had like a tiny little willy, like as if you were using it to get water out of like a water cooler kind of thing.

See, yeah, like a stick, man.

They just couldn't be asked to draw the rest of the body.

Look, it looks like that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So it is the only, it's really the only prominent bit that you can remove.

So it's an obvious target for vandals and hooligans like you, Anna.

Yeah.

I'd do it.

I've done it.

I've got 20 of them.

I have a very long email,

not all of which I'm going to read, which actually doesn't seem to have come signed off by anyone, which is a shame because they've discovered something amazing.

I might not have copied it.

Does it say Andy Murray at the top there?

Yeah, I think it's from someone.

No, no, that's from someone else called Andy Murray.

Well, that's very confusing.

Did they happen to have the same email address as you?

Let's move on.

What are they saying?

They're long, but I doubt not fascinating email.

This person, who's apparently called Andy Murray, has worked out how to get rid of hiccups.

So

he said, skipping out the first nine paragraphs, no, it's very good.

He said that when he was 13 in school biology, he learned what causes hiccups and he thought, he hypothesized, a way to stop it should be doing a burp as you feel the first hiccup coming.

And he can report that after 45 years of doing that, he's only ever hiccupped once.

But I never feel my first hiccup coming.

You've got to be on the lookout all the time for a short hiccup.

It will vigilance.

It does, yeah.

It does.

But then he did say he lost his concentration once on the 28th of November 1990.

This was also in the Hitler diaries, this kind of detail.

I think it was a memorable day for anyone who was an adult at the time because it was the joyful day, as he describes it, that Thatcher resigned.

And he said he was part of a small group of archaeologists digging near Salisbury.

And when they found it, they started celebrating, got incredibly drunk.

He was so happy, so drunk on cider that he forgot to burp in time.

And he proceeded to hiccup non-stop for 24 hours, having obviously saved up all these hiccups.

A lifetime.

A lifetime.

Just consider.

That whole thing sounds like a cautionary tale, doesn't it?

Of the man who suppressed his hiccups and then hiccupped forever.

You're so right.

That's a Grimm's fairy tale or an Aesop's fable or something.

I would definitely be up for 61 more volumes of this guy's diary.

This is awesome stuff.

Here's something from Kate Evans.

She tells us that when Leeds became a city for the first time, so Leeds and Yorkshire, they didn't have any celebrations.

And that is because they only applied because they heard that Sheffield was planning to apply as well and thought, well, since we're the largest city in Yorkshire, we should be a city before Sheffield are.

So they quickly applied, they won, and then they didn't have any time to prepare the celebrations.

Very good.

Or maybe they're from Yorkshire, so they're so tight they decided they didn't want to have any parties.

That's good.

I like a city rivalry.

Yeah.

I'm a big fan of that.

What's your favourite?

I don't have any really local to me because I'm from London.

Where's the rivalry?

I've been in the entire rest of the UK.

You're Oxbridge, though, so you were part of like a major...

the Cambridge-Oxford rivalry.

People don't really care about that.

Not properly.

No, unless you're, it may shock you to know that Annie's not a rower, if you're you're listening.

And so I don't think

why would that?

Why would listeners not think I was a rower?

They think you're a cox.

Joke's on them.

I rode on the coxless force.

And that was a very painful team to get into, I must say.

Good lord.

Andy is so much of the cox that he got destroyed by the Phoenician Empire.

Wow.

Okay.

Do rowers care about that really?

I mean, they do for boat race.

Let's move on.

Let's move on.

I'd love our UK version of roast shows.

I don't think Jimmy Carr will be signing on to host this one.

Oh, dear.

Let's be real.

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Subject to change.

I've got a fact about wieners.

This is from Ralph Linsangon.

And it says in brackets, repeat.

I don't know if that means repeat the name, Ralph Lindsangen, Linsangen, or if it means the email is repeated.

But anyway, he headlines it by saying, cybernetic wieners are only possible because of Dr.

Wiener.

Quite confusing because I'm always a bit confused about the word cybernetic and what it actually means.

Yeah, it doesn't mean anything, does it?

No.

Well, so I looked it up and it doesn't really help me out.

Cybernetics is a study of automatic control and information exchange.

sort of between machines and living things.

So I think it's related to prosthetics.

So if you've got a prosthetic penis that can be remote controlled or something or do something, it's in...

Remote control.

Wow.

Yeah, Yeah, that would be cool, wouldn't it?

Remote control piece.

Sorry, I just need to pull the batteries out and run them a few times.

This guy's called Norbert Wiener.

Dr.

Norbert Wiener.

Oh, I've heard of him.

Yeah, I think he's quite a big deal.

So he was the founder of Cybernetics, which is a big deal.

And

that was the runner-up name that lost out to James Bond, but it was going to be the names of Wiener.

Norbert Wiener.

James

Trivia Factory.

That would be sexy.

If that had happened, that would be a sexy name right now.

Norbert Wiener and Pat Schlott.

He sounds very cool, Norbert Wiener, and worth more than we're making it sound like.

He learned 34 languages, apparently.

Graduated college at 14, got a PhD at 17.

He was known as the most remarkable boy in the world in 1906.

But maybe the reason you've heard of him, James, is that he came up with the Wiener sausage.

So he was a mathematician.

And in the, and I'm just going to read this out and good luck ever grasping it, get a PhD.

In the mathematical field of probability, the wiener sausage is something that can be visualized as a sausage of fixed radius whose center line is brownian motion and we have talked a bit about brownian motion on the show but anyway he he came up with this mathematical concept that was named after him so it looks like a sausage in maths yeah yeah yeah and it's named after him so it's called the wiener sausage got it you know mathematics are fun too i think that's a lesson

and he was responsible for the cybernetic

and he founded cybernetics and so uh machine-human interfaces and stuff like that

which prosthetic penises could be seen as an extension I think is what the person is saying okay so he wasn't a penis technician himself

he wasn't no more than any of us are yeah

I got something here from Jessica Colucas I think that's how you pronounce it

she's from the Isle of Man and she says I am surprised it has not come up more on the pod so here are some facts that I love Pilates were invented in Patrick which is a local town in the Isle of Man Is that true?

I didn't know that.

I didn't know that.

Halloween does not exist there.

What?

I guess you don't have to do everything.

Quite right, too.

Fair enough.

But it also doesn't exist in the Murray household.

Yeah, because I've turned off the lights and I'm lying on the floor, which actually would be a great position to spook people from, but I don't do that in case local kids come around and

alarm me.

She says we were the first to give women the vote and have the oldest continuing running parliament in the world.

How ironic of the Isle of Man.

What about Jeff the talking mongoose?

He is from the Isle of Man, yes, the ghostly mongoose.

Is that why they don't have Halloween?

Because he scared everyone too.

That's too real.

It's too many bad memories.

Yeah,

that was like a young teenage girl or something who pretended that she was talking to a ghostly mongoose and then got all of the newspapers involved, and everyone believed it.

And probably Conan Dial did, or someone like that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think all the biggest ghost hunters of the time went to investigate it as well.

So it was, yeah, it was quite, there's a great biogue on it.

It was quite a big scandal.

We covered it ages ago and the BBC got involved in a way that meant they had to change all their regulations when it turned out it was fake or something.

That's right.

BBC scandals used to be certainly more wholesome, didn't they?

Yeah, they were more wholesome.

Actually, Jeff the talking mongoose also used to get his penis out at parties.

Right.

Oh.

Jeff.

Jeff.

You said Pilates was invented on the Isle of Man.

I'm really surprised about that.

Am I remembering this right or wrong?

That it was invented by someone called like Tony Pilates.

It was.

It was invented by Mr.

Pilates, who I don't think was from the Isle of Man.

Like Bitcram yoga was invented by, he wasn't Tony, but Mr.

Bitcram.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just think that.

I love those things.

Unexpected things named after people.

German chocolate cake is named after a guy called German.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

That kind of stuff.

Yeah.

So according, just a super quick Google while you guys were channing, Pilates was developed by Joseph Pilates.

He was from Germany.

His father was a gymnast and his mother a naturopath.

Pilates said the inspiration for his method came to him during World War I while he was being held at a camp in the Isle of Man.

Can I just say that I don't think it's really fair for the Isle of Man to claim that as one of their pensions when the person who invented it was being held prisoner there?

I think that's fair.

We tortured it out of him in the end.

Maybe he was coming up with those possessions to try and escape.

We don't know.

The only way he could get under the fence was by blanking for seven minutes.

Here's a great one.

This is from Nat Edwards, who is master of the armouries at the Royal Armouries in Leeds.

Very cool.

What a cool thing.

So here we go.

This is the fact.

In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, special guns were popular among cyclists, especially in France, Belgium and Spain, for shooting bothersome dogs.

Oh, yeah.

Cyclists would have guns marketed to them.

And this was invented, the Velo dog, a new kind of ammunition that could be fired from small, lightweight, powerful revolvers.

Alarmingly, they were not very accurate, and they were called dog revolvers.

One of them was even used in an attempt to assassinate King Alfonso XIII, who survived, possibly on account of not being a dog.

Yeah, because we've been researching this for QI, weirdly, this year or last year, and water pistols were invented for scaring dogs as well.

The first adverts you see for water pistols in the newspapers were use this to get rid of dogs, and it was for cyclists.

So that makes water pistol makes sense to me.

Like, you've got a troublesome dog, you're on your bike, you don't want to, you know, an An actual gun for a dog feels a bit.

Do you shoot it or do you try and scare it?

Or do you pistol whip it?

And when I say whip it, I mean that's the type of dog you're.

I think the idea was to shoot them.

The thing is, dogs like water, so the water pistol is probably not that successful.

They probably just went for more and more.

If I squirted a water pistol at my mum's dog, it would just want to eat the water.

My mum's dog is very stupid, though.

Integrated up to machine gun.

Yeah.

There's a good fact here from Luca from Italy.

I'm going to do it as a riddle.

There's a golf course where you can hit the ball and it stays in the air for an hour and three seconds.

Nuclear quantum

entangle it.

Time zones.

No, no, no.

Go on with the entanglement.

Well,

it's very simple.

It lands in the Higgs boson.

So if you hit it around the sun.

Yeah.

It's time zones.

Yeah, do you know this one?

No, that's cool.

I haven't heard of it.

No.

It's a green zone golf course and it straddles Finland and Sweden.

And there are seven holes in Finland and 11 in Sweden.

So on hole six, you hit the ball and it stays in the air for an hour.

But

you know what?

I have heard of that golf course, but I hadn't thought of the time zone part of it.

That's so good.

That's good for a crime.

Sorry, I'm just going to say it for an alibi.

Where were you?

I was here for an hour.

Waiting for the ball to come down.

So I couldn't have killed him.

Obvious.

I think it was the quantum physicist.

Funny paint of funny hands are kicking the crap out of a quantum physicist over here.

I wasn't going to mention this one, but I will because it's related to James Bond.

We've been mentioning that a bit.

Andy Cumming has sent this in.

Two facts.

William Stevenson, the man James Bond was fashioned after, who is from Winnipeg.

So I think Andy Cummings from Canada, once escaped prison using a can opener.

Yes.

And says, this only only bends the truth a touch.

Now, I didn't look into that because I wasn't going to read that.

I thought James Bond was modeled after quite a few other people as well.

I think there's a few different people, isn't there?

Like, for instance, James Bond, the ornithologist.

Yes.

Ian Fleming had a cool older brother who I think did lots of expeditions and travel and big game hunting and stuff like that.

Yeah, that's right.

Might have been part of it.

But do we know what happened with the tin opener?

Because I wasn't going to read it.

I was going to bring in his next fact, which I thought was quite a fun one.

So he sent two, two fun facts.

The city of Regina briefly had the slogan the city that rhymes with fun

gosh as you might imagine people were fired

that's really good

i actually i have another one from uh stephen corcoran of exclamation marks fact fame oh yeah okay uh non-fact fame yes well this is this is a good one it's that a british officer captured during the first world war was granted leave to visit his dying mother on one condition that he return.

This is about a captain called Robert Campbell.

He was captured really early in the First World War, August 1914.

I mean, just such bad luck.

You know, you've got to set out the whole thing.

And he got word when he was in a prisoner of war camp that his mum was dying.

And he wrote to the Kaiser saying, look, can I please go and visit my mother?

I will come back.

And the Kaiser said, yes, but you've got to come back.

And he went.

He went home.

He went to Kent, which must have been such a weird experience.

Spent a week with his mum, kind of saying goodbye.

And then he went back to prison voluntarily.

But then as soon as he got back he started digging a tunnel for the next nine months did he and then escaped via it and then was recaptured again anyway good on him he wanted to escape the uh the honourable way i suppose oh yeah completely yeah yeah yeah and also good back though because you'd assume they'd just chase you down they know where your mum lives they know where you live yeah yeah but you're left

they're at war with the place where you are

yeah i've overestimated how easy it was to just send one of their men over to kent fair point fair point i think he thought that if he didn't go back other prisoner exchanges might not happen and that they'd just end the whole system.

Anyway, he lived until 1966.

Did he?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What month?

Just wondering if he saw the World Cup.

What month was the World Cup?

It was in the summer.

The report I found said he died in the Isle of Wight in July 1966, aged 81.

It would have been tight.

It would have been tight.

He might have seen the qualifying in the earlier rounds in the tournament.

They think it's all of, oh, it is.

Who did England be in Navajo?

West Germany.

Oh, so it would have been...

What a beautiful.

I've got to find out.

What a beautiful ending.

That would have been to a sorry.

I have to find out if he saw the world.

I mean, he saw the victory in the First World War and the second, which was arguably, you know, he'll have cared more about.

We don't even know if he liked football.

We know he liked war.

Did he like war?

Was that why they all did it?

From Anna Ridpath.

Just a nice bit of trivia.

She says, my friend Nathan is a big fan of baseball.

So this is credited to Nathan.

There was a single baseball player called Danny Janssen who played for two teams in a single game.

How?

Oh, this is very simple: quantum

entanglement.

Do you want to carry on, or shall I answer?

Please, the game was postponed halfway through any move between teams.

I'm really sorry that James needs on killing all of your scientific theorizing.

I'll get it one of these days.

One of these days, it's going to be quantum.

Still, another alibi to you, Andy.

I wasn't even on that too.

I couldn't have killed him.

Yeah, you're absolutely correct.

It was postponed because inclement weather, Andy was traded from the Toronto Blue Jays to the Boston Red Sox.

And then he was put in a particle accelerator.

Right, that's it.

That's all of your facts.

Thank you so much for sending them in.

If you'd like to send in more facts, then please please do the email is podcast at qi.com and we'll do another one of these before too long they all get read they all get read even the very long ones so that's

there's no incentive to keep it short actually what am i doing we cut off at 50 words i cut off at 50 words there we go um but maybe you'd like to contact uh all of us on various social media accounts so if you'd like to do that you can do and it's encouraged uh i'm on instagram at andrew hunter m james add me on linkedin at james on linkedin yeah Yeah, Instagram.

I'm at Schreiberland.

Hannah.

We are collectively at no such thing on Twitter or at No Such Thing as a Fish on Instagram.

So there are all sorts of ways to get in touch.

But the most important thing is that you guys stay well and keep on keeping.

Bring it home, Andy.

And goodbye.

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