395: No Such Thing As A Kryptonite Drill

Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast.

This week coming to you live from Non-Name!

My name is Dan Shriver.

I am sitting here with Anna Tashinski, Andrew Hunter-Murray, and James Harkin.

And once again, we have gathered round the microphones with our four favourite facts from the last seven days.

And in no particular order, here we go.

Starting with fact number one, and that is Anna.

My fact this week is that in 2015, paramedics in Australia stopped asking patients to name the Prime Minister as a test of mental capacity because the answer changes so often, it's no longer considered a reliable indicator.

It's amazing.

And it's true, isn't it?

Australia is constantly trading its PM.

In fact, there's a Twitter account which is called at WhoisPM where it gives basically half-hourly updates going, it's still Scott Morrison.

So what you're saying is if you're in some kind of problem, the paramedics come along, you you have to go, I'm just need to go on Twitter really quickly.

They did say, I think the reason the particular paramedic who was interviewed in the article I read this in, the reason that he said he'd stopped doing it was because he'd actually had a patient whom he'd asked who's the prime minister and they just said, I don't know, I haven't watched the news today.

Very nice.

That's a strong answer.

I didn't really know how crazy Australian, I don't know anything about Australian politics before this.

And so just to clarify it, there's this big thing of ousting your predecessor.

So in 2010, Julia Gillard ousted Kevin Rudd, and that was really exciting after only three years.

But then in 2013, Julia Gillard was ousted.

Guess who by?

By Kevin Rudd.

Then in 2015, Malcolm Turnbull ousted Tony Abbott.

Then Turnbull stayed on.

And basically, there are

so many PMs specifically in that short period.

Yeah, it was five PMs in five years if you count Rudd twice, which you could, because many people say he's sort of got two different personalities.

What's amazing is none of us in this room really know anything about him, but we all would anyway.

It could have been worse.

It could be worse.

If you're in Nepal, for instance, and you get caught in an accident,

since they became a democracy in 1951, they've had 53 changes of government.

That's a lot.

That's a lot.

Yeah, that's tough.

Although, if Australia kept up its one a year, which it hasn't actually since 2015, but you know, it would be beating Nepal.

So, who is the current Prime Minister?

So, that's Scott Morrison now.

It was Malcolm Turnbull.

So, they had six in seven years, which is quite good.

Five in five years.

So Scott Morrison, is he the one who shit himself in McDonald's?

Sorry?

What?

Not familiar with this?

I'm not sure.

I think that's what he's most famous for, isn't he?

Yeah.

I don't know if that's what he's most famous for in Australia, the country where he's Prime Minister.

He's Australian.

I don't know.

Every time, literally, every time he goes on television, he says, oh, I'm going to be on ABC tonight.

And someone replies, Tell us about the time you shit yourself in McDonald's.

He's the Australian Paula Radcliffe.

Is that what we're saying?

Well, he is running a lot for Prime Prime Minister.

Hey!

Come on, guys.

Top crowd tonight.

Wow.

Possib politics, it's just a bit more earthy and rude, isn't it?

It really is.

Genuinely, it is.

It's quite...

The stuff they say in Parliament is also really rude.

So I looked up unparliamentary language from the Australian Parliament.

And there is a lot.

There is a lot, especially if you include all the regional assemblies and things like that.

List of things, I mean, they call each other Knitwit, Knucklehead, Muppet.

These are not that bad.

These are a bit mild.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My question is to the village idiot.

That was one.

And they all answered.

Well, there's more.

In 1994, one member in the Victoria House said to another one, what is the difference between you and a bucket of shit?

And the speaker rightly said that's unparliamentary language.

And he said, I withdraw bucket.

Wow.

It's had a long history of it.

Every Australian PM has an offensive nickname.

The first Australian Prime Minister was called Toby Tosspot.

What?

Really?

Pretty much straight away.

Yeah, he was Edmund Barton, and it was the turn of the 20th century.

And Tosspot then was a term for someone who drank too much.

And Toby was just what people called him.

You couldss a

tosspot back.

Toss a pot because of pot.

QI, when I first joined QI, and I'm an Aussie, I should say,

technically.

I wonder what village is missing their idiot.

I am Aussie.

My dad's Aussie, and my grandmother's Aussie, and I lived there for my whole high school years.

And when I moved to England, I moved to Oxford where I didn't go to university, but QI was set up there, and there's a pub called the Turf Tavern.

And in the Turf Tavern, on the wall, one of our prime ministers has an award, a Guinness World Record, Bob Hawke, for downing the quickest yard of ale that anyone has ever done.

It was in 1954.

It was two and a half pints.

He did it in 11 seconds.

It's since been beaten, but for the rest of his life, Bob Hawke, whenever he went to like cricket matches, people would give him a big pine to be like, oh, this is like a 70-year-old man.

And he fucking doubted it.

Such a chance.

I think my favourite Australian Prime Minister, sorry, but was Tony Abbott, who was, he was in opposition when I lived there.

And he's an entertaining man.

So he's very right-wing, Tony Abbott.

He's done some wacky shit, so every Australian knows this, but it is worth watching if you haven't seen it.

He went to visit an onion farm in Tasmania or an onion seller, a big onion selling company, and the cameras were on and he was like, God,

I won't do the accent.

God, your produce is so great.

Grabbed an onion, skin on, and just bit straight into it.

Just chowed right down.

Was asked afterwards what he was doing.

He said, people eat raw onion all the time.

It's fine.

And salads, whatever.

The skin wasn't on.

The skin was on.

It's very clearly on.

Wow.

And then he did it again.

A couple of months later, someone sent him a promotional pack of onions.

He bit down on one again.

Then footage was on earth of him eating a raw spring onion.

The man's got a problem.

All spring onions are eaten raw in salads, haven't they?

Just on its own, from the floppy end.

I mean, I remember it.

I remember reading once that if you hold your nose and you bite an onion, then you won't be able to, it'll taste like an apple.

And I tried that, and it is not true.

Maybe that's what he was testing out.

The first woman to be elected in Australia was someone called Edith Cowan, and she won a seat in West Perth in 1921, but she had to go home whenever she needed the toilet because there was no female toilets.

Wow.

Or to McDonald's and shit herself, I suppose, is possible.

Did she live nearby?

Yeah, she lived around the corner.

But even so.

She lived nearby, fine.

There was one really cool thing in 2013, there was an election in Australia, as there were most years around then, apparently, or oustings anyway.

The voting booths came with magnifying glasses

because there were 50 parties on the ballot paper.

Wow.

There were so many parties that you had to be able to zoom in.

So it was for, yeah.

I know.

Was that the election where I think it was the lead up to that election where they postponed the prime ministerial debate?

So much like us in Australia, they have the

incumbent or the two candidates who are going to be prime minister before an election go up and debates various television debates.

And the last one is a massive deal and and it's the first time ever.

They moved it an hour forward, I think, because MasterChef was on.

Wow.

Oh, it's big in Australia.

It's good.

Australian MasterChef is good.

It is pretty good.

And they are better than the British MasterChef people.

Supposedly, the

worst Prime Minister that there has ever been in Australia is Billy McMahon.

He had a bold, pointy head with big ears, and one opponent said he looked like a Volkswagen with both doors open.

He wasn't liked by even the people in his own cabinet.

There was one guy who he worked with called Paul Hasluck, who referred to him as that treacherous bastard.

And the guy who was writing his potential autobiography said that he is a third-rate politician, and that he could become PM is a damning indictment on the country.

Half-truths, lies, cheaper tracks.

What an unpleasant little turd.

Another actually prime Minister who's considered writing a book, but apparently didn't get around to it, is Malcolm Turnbull.

So, last Prime Minister but one, and he considered finishing off his mother's raunchy novel.

Wow.

Malcolm Turnbull had kind of a sad childhood.

He was very close to his dad, who tragically died in a plane crash when he was quite young.

But his mother was this academic who'd run away with another man.

And she went to America.

And while in America, so she was called something Lansbury, and she was a cousin of Angela Lansbury.

And while she was in America, Angela Lansbury said to her, mate, you've got to stop writing this dry, boring academic stuff and start writing some fun shit.

Wait, so Angela Lansba, she's she Murder She Wrote?

Do you know Angela Lansbury, right?

Yeah, Murder She Wrote.

And anyway, yeah, she wrote a few raunchy novels, which sold quite well, and then she died halfway through writing a novel called Opium Exclamation Mark.

Sounds like a musical.

Quite a sleepy musical.

Well, I think her son might still be working on it.

So now he's out of office.

Maybe maybe we'll get opium finally.

Malcolm Turnbull's podcast, My Mum Road to Porno, is going to be

Stone Cold hit, I think.

On the tests that you can get from

people, from paramedics, or another one is like if you've been in a crash and they want to check if you've been drinking, right?

There was a thing with Tiger Woods a few months ago.

Do you remember?

He was in a car crash and they wanted to check if he'd been drinking.

And so they said to him, Okay, Tiger, what you need to do is you need to say the alphabet forwards, not backwards.

You need to say the alphabet forwards, and you're not allowed to sing it.

So, Tiger, do you know what you have to do?

And he said, Yes, I have to not sing the national anthem backwards.

Queen gracious,

save.

Oh, God.

You know, he's American.

Yep, cool.

All right, we need to move on.

Okay, it is time for fact number two, and that is my fact.

My fact this week is that three people were recently hospitalized after being hit by an iceberg at a Titanic Museum.

So

this is the Titanic Museum attraction, which is in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

And they have this giant ice wall inside of the side of the attraction, and it's 15 foot by 28 foot and it it's sort of it is actual real ice so visitors can actually touch it and it's grown using a sort of water filtration system and the whole thing just cracked and smashed down and it it it hurt people and they were hospitalized but I think

they they survived they survived as in you're saying the hearts will go on

But yeah, I think it's um it's time we don't put any ice near things called Titanic.

Yeah.

It feels like.

Because, you know, it happens a lot, doesn't it?

It's not just this.

I don't know how.

It's happened twice.

Oh, my God.

It's happened more than twice.

Famously, the first time it happened.

We've all heard of that one.

2008,

Carnegie Science Center, there was a Titanic exhibit that was in Pittsburgh.

They had to temporarily close due to flooding.

So that stopped them.

There was a Titanic musical, which was in Southampton, which had to be stopped after the replica Titanic hit the iceberg iceberg and plastic fell off the wall.

That was the actual iceberg, yeah.

And everyone, all the audience thought, wow, that's an amazing effect.

But then the crew ran out going, stop the show.

Stop!

I read, and I haven't actually confirmed this, but there was another Titanic musical incident where a burst pipe just exploded across the first three rows of the audience.

And everyone left angrily.

And one person went, wow, we truly experienced the sinking of the Titanic.

Need to confirm that link.

Nice when you can really empathize with those figures from history.

Well, there was even in 1898 a Titan ship that hit an iceberg and sank, which was a fictional ship, but a novel was written in 1898 by a guy called Morgan Robertson.

It was called Futility, starring a ship called Titan.

And it had been built in Britain.

It was sailing to America.

It was going too fast.

Hits an iceberg, not enough lifeboats.

Half the crew die

in 1898.

Although there are a few details that are slightly different, it also involves in the plot the boat cuts another boat in half while plowing through to the iceberg.

And yeah, it just cuts one in half.

It's about this massive boat that's so huge it leaves other boats in its midst.

It's sort of like a monster boat.

And then when it crashes, the hero almost goes down with the ship.

But thankfully, he survives, I believe, ends up on the iceberg and manages to rescue the young child of the woman he fancies from a polar bear who's trying to eat him.

Oh, okay.

So some of it is also...

Yeah, that's close.

Apparently, the V ⁇ A Museum, they did a Titanic exhibit, and apparently this book, Titan, was on the Titanic as part of the reading library.

Apparently, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just quickly on Titanic, so it was called the RMS Titanic.

Do you know what RMS stands for?

Royal Miller.

Royal Mail Steamer.

Okay, because it was a postal ship as well.

There were 3,000 bags of post on board.

But the postal workers, workers, when they found out that the ship was flooding, they tried moving 200 sacks of registered mail to the upper decks of the ship.

Oh, really?

They forced several stewards to help them, saying, look, this is the registered stuff.

This is important.

They were told not to bother, but they kept going.

I always get confused about when a disaster is happening.

If there's staff members working in a place, they're like dedicated to their job to the point of like, we've got to play the music till the ship goes down.

We've got to bring the mail up.

Guys, if there's a fire here tonight, I'm fucking off straight away, right?

I am not being like, get the audience out!

No.

You guys know about Clive Palmer's giant Titanic replica, right?

Clive Palmer is an Australian billionaire.

He's an Australian billionaire.

He's an eccentric.

He wants to make Titanic 2, and he's been promising it for ages.

And it will be a cruise ship by his company, the Blue Starline, and it will take the same route as Titanic.

I mean, I don't know why he thinks people would go on this.

But it's completely recreated inside.

And he's been promising it for a long time.

And sort of, the project keeps having various issues.

Anyway, it's been moved to Europe.

The project was going to be based in Britain because of Brexit.

I'm afraid it's now based in France.

And the, yeah, well, if you want Titanic too, don't leave the EU.

If only that was on the side of a bus.

Unfortunately, it was painted on the side of an enormous ship which then sank.

But the project director in Europe is the director of this whole Titanic project is his nephew who's called Clive Mensink.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Stooned.

Some other stuff on other weird things that have happened in museums.

This was in Denmark.

I was reading about an artist called Jens Haning and what they did was they commissioned him to do this work.

They were going to give him 534,000 kroner and what he was going to do, he was going to put it in a huge sort of art installation and it would be a picture of something.

They didn't know what it was going to be.

And that was the average amount of money that a Danish person earns in a year.

Anyway, so he went away, and then he came back with a complete empty canvas, and it was an artwork that he called Take the Money and Run.

So good.

Did they take that

in the good-humored spirit, which he hoped they would?

The guy who runs the museum said he stirred up my curatorial staff, and he also stirred me up a bit.

But I also had a laugh because it was really humoristic.

But then he did say that he needs to pay the money back.

I really like incidents of museums just, you know, making flubs and blunders and accidentally ruining exhibits and things like this.

So the National History Museum, they released a list of their incidents in 2009.

One of them,

shortly before that, was

there were these things called conodonts, which are they're extinct eel-like creatures, okay?

They had 22 of them, and they were accidentally knocked over and then hoovered up.

Which I just

did they retrieve them from the back?

No, I don't think so.

Well, I think they were ruined in the process of being hoovered up.

I think that's not what they were.

Oh, they're just a bit fluffy.

All right, just slide that off.

There was an art gallery that had an exhibition, I can't, from memory, I can't remember what it was, but it was an exhibition that showed lots of like

remnants from a party, kind of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles and stuff strewn around and the cleaner cleaned it all up in the morning.

Yes, that happens a bunch, yeah.

Like Damian Hurst had one where the garbage was carried.

There was one where there was a garbage bag and they took it away and they apologized and he was like, that's fine, you just gave another garbage bag.

I'm sure I must have said it on here before, but the time I went to an art gallery in Barcelona and there was someone collapsed in the corner and I ran to the front and said, oh, does someone collapse in the corner of that room?

And they went, no, sir, that is part of the exhibit.

And it was just a doll.

And I said, oh, that must happen all the time.

They went, No.

It happens so much, but it does happen with specific works of art.

Like, either someone collapsed or just something that is designed to look like rubbish.

So, there was a in 2011, there was an artwork which featured a bathtub with a sort of thick, scummy line around the inside, and that was scrubbed by an overzealous member of cleaning staff.

Did she not wonder why there was a bath in the middle of the gallery?

Well, exactly.

I think that's a fair cop, actually.

But there's an article, Joseph Buies,

B-E-U-Y-S, Buies, who had an art buise.

What a fun...

Oh, I mean, never stop saying that name.

It's all about the boise.

He had an artwork which was a grease stain, and that was unsurprisingly scrubbed.

And it wasn't the first time it had happened to him.

He also had a baby bathtub in 1973 on display, which was wrapped in gauze and bandages.

So baby bathtub wrapped up.

Anyway, two cleaners just took it to wash the dishes in because they thought this cannot possibly be a work of of art.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I feel like all the stories involve cleaners fucking stuff up.

We have blame on the cleaners.

A lot of blame on the cleaners.

We need to have a conversation with the cleaners of museums saying, you see all the random fucking shit here?

It's meant to be a lot of fun.

It's easier if you're at the National Portrait Gallery, isn't it?

It's much, much easier to tell what's art and what isn't at the National Portrait Gallery.

That's true.

Because it's a portrait.

Exactly.

It's not like you're not going to see a picture of someone's face and go, I'm just going to rub that off.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

I'm just going to get rid of Rembrandt's mole.

Hang on.

Macron, the president of France, he did a report in 2018 and he found that 90 to 95 percent of sub-Saharan Africa's cultural heritage was held in museums outside of Africa.

Okay, so pretty much all of it's been taken out of Africa.

And so there's a guy called Mozulu Diabanza who is an artist, and he's decided he's just going to go to museums and steal it back.

Cool.

And so he basically goes around.

So he goes around all these museums in France, and he'll just kind of walk in and see, oh, there's an ivory spear there that was from, you know, Congo, and he'll just go in and walk out and walk straight out with it.

Occasionally, he did once steal a sculpture that was actually from Indonesia.

Okay.

It was a bit of a mistake.

But obviously, he's been arrested from time to time.

But this lawyer said, I don't know of any thief who turns up to a museum and says, film me.

And then, having been filmed stealing the article, puts it back.

So he doesn't put it back back afterwards.

Well, that doesn't rise.

I thought he was like a reverse Indiana drones.

You know?

That doesn't belong in a museum.

That's a line from the third film.

Doesn't matter.

And then what is he chasing after a massive ball?

He actually puts his hat into a room just as there's a wall about to crush him.

Yeah, it's very exciting.

Just on injuries in museums, which this is about, there's a man who's suing Melbourne Science Works, Science Museum in Melbourne, for an exhibit they have where they have a virtual sprinter, Kathy Freeman, an Olympic medal-winning sprinter, and they encourage you to race against her on a 10-metre track.

And what they have done is they've put the 10-metre track immediately in front of a wall, a quite solid wall.

And he's suing them because he's broken two vertebra, another bone and a rib, and lost the feeling in his arms and hand because he ran headlong into a wall.

Oh my god.

There was a French museum that was going to hold an exhibition about Genghis Khan and the Mongol Empire, but they were told by the Chinese government that they could only have the stuff if they didn't mention the words Empire, Mongol, Genghis, or Khan.

All right, we need to move on to our next fact of the show, and that is fact number three, and that is Andy.

My fact is that there are nine hammocks on the moon.

Who's using them?

Also, like, no trees.

Yes.

Yes.

What a good point.

There are nine tragically unopened hammocks on the moon.

This is from a book called An Answer for Everything.

One of the pages is about everything there is on the moon.

One of the things is loads and loads of hammocks.

Because Apollo 11,

the first

manned landing on the moon,

they slept really badly.

Like they slept appallingly and they just got a terrible night's sleep when they were there.

Well, it's sort of so yeah, they were in the lander and they didn't really think of that and it's so crowded.

So Buzz Aldrin, I think, was basically laying on the floor as if he was just, you know, like you would if you were drunk and you got home and couldn't find the bed.

Yeah, yeah.

That was him.

And they thought we need to sort that.

Yeah, absolutely.

So they, when Apollo 12 to 17 flew with more manned missions to the moon, they had these specially designed lunar hammocks that would go in the lander.

And when you come back, you can't bring all your stuff with you.

So they just left the hammocks behind.

And so, yeah, and it's amazing to think about it because they would land on the moon and then they would set their hammocks up in a sort of X shape.

So one lower and one above.

And that's, they would just lay in it and this is not on the moon, we should say.

This is inside the lander.

Inside the lander on the moon, though.

That is how they slept, like they were on some sort of desert island.

But the problem was, and the problem for a lot of these missions was the adrenaline is so great.

You're on the fucking moon.

You're not going to sleep, right?

Well, so, and when Armstrong and Aldrin landed, they were scheduled to have a nap.

Yeah.

And the mission control said, right, you're on the moon, off to bed you go.

And they said, absolutely not.

We would like to go on to the moon now for this.

You know how, like at night time, the moon comes out.

If you're on the moon, does it always kind of feel like nighttime?

Good question.

Do you think you'd just be really sleepy the whole time?

I think I would.

Yeah.

Like just naturally.

Apollo 14, unfortunately, where they landed with Apollo 14 was on a seven-degree slant.

So the lander was just slightly tipping, which freaked the shit out of the astronauts inside.

So they couldn't get to sleep because anytime they heard a noise, they thought we're about to tip over.

And you can read, there are actual transcripts of what they were chatting about.

So one transcript goes, and this is while they were trying to sleep, I think, they go, Ed,

did you hear that?

He goes, hell yes, I heard that.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

Ed?

What?

Why the hell are we whispering?

But they couldn't go to sleep.

They were so worried about.

So that didn't happen.

And then slowly Apollo 15 and 16, it got better and better.

I think mainly they had to make it better for Apollo 15 because that was the first time they'd stayed on the moon any length of time that required sleep.

They were there for three nights and they had to do proper stuff on the moon, like collect loads of samples

and drive.

You can't drive when you're sleep deprived.

It was the first time they had like a car on the moon.

And so they got proper hammocks and I think they solved it by basically letting them take their spacesuits off, right?

It was the first time that they'd allowed them to go back into the lunar lander and actually strip down so that you can, you know, adopt a comfortable position.

And I suppose the reason that the hammocks are on the moon is because you need to get rid of all your stuff when you're going to take off again because it needs to be as light as possible, right?

Exactly.

Yeah.

So I was speaking this morning to someone called Beth O'Leary, who pretty much invented something called space archaeology.

She's a scientist.

And she said that basically when Apollo 11 came down, at least, for about eight minutes, Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong stood on the corner of their lunar module and just threw anything out that they didn't need.

They just threw it all out.

We don't need this, we don't need that, we don't need the other.

That's a steering wheel, Buzz.

I'll get it.

I'm sorry.

In archaeology, apparently, that is called a toss zone.

It's because they fill the thing with rocks, right?

Yes,

so weird going, dumping all the useful stuff and just filling it up with rocks for the way back.

They did leave some things which now NASA would like to look at, but NASA would only like to look at them because they left them there, if you see what I mean.

So bags of poo, basically.

Bags of poo,

urine, and vomit.

There are 96 bags of all of this stuff on the surface of the moon still today, and NASA is fascinated to know what's happened biologically with them and what has lasted and what hasn't and what they could tell from it.

And so if they go back to the moon, if there's another crewed mission to the moon coming up soon, it is possible that one of their jobs will be finding bags of poo and just doing a pooper scoop on the moon.

The truth is that it's not just that, it's everything that they left there.

They want it to be like kept as it is, right?

Because let's say Elon Musk goes up there for a party or something.

What they don't want is him kind of knocking over all the flags and all the poo and all the hammocks and stuff.

They want it all to be as it is.

And so this year, actually,

the 31st of December last year, the US enacted the One Small Step to Protect Human heritage and space act, which made it illegal to touch anything on the moon that the humans have left there.

And it was really, really controversial because by law, no one owns the moon, no one owns any of the land on there, but America owns the objects that are on the land.

And so it was really dodgy.

The Soviets, sorry, the Russians really didn't want.

I think you've made your allegiances very clear there, James.

But they didn't really want the Americans to have this kind of law saying no one can touch this area because they're like, well, it doesn't belong to you.

Who are you to say who touched it and who doesn't touch it?

And even more than that, if you look at the footprints of Neil Armstrong, for instance, theoretically, America owns the footprint, but they don't own any of the dust which creates the footprint.

They own the space directly above that dust.

Yeah, they own the concept of the footprint, but not what makes it.

Yeah.

Wow.

The cleaners are going to have an absolute nightmare when they turn up to the moon.

Which bit of this is the party and which bit is to pre-preserve?

It's amazing that I hadn't thought of that, that in theory, Neil Armstrong's one small step for man, that one small step is still there, right?

Possibly, yeah.

Possibly, because it was right at the bottom ladder.

So, Buzz might have landed and just smudged it out immediately, pissed off.

Very likely Buzz was here, right next to it.

But, like, the last thing that was left by an astronaut on the moon wasn't a physical object, but

it was the last astronaut who was there who wrote like you would in the sand at a beach wrote the letters T D C

and that was the initials of his daughter and that was Eugene Cernan the last person to stand on the moon and in theory unless that bit of the moon is hit by you know space rocks and so on that's gonna be there for at least you know 50,000 years well because there's not a

same kind of atmosphere on the moon

mess it up so in theory Neil's footprint if Buzz managed to sort of like do a wide berth with his landing is still there, which is amazing.

There is 100 metric tons of human material on the moon, man-made, which, if you can imagine there being a massive mirror in front of a theater somewhere in the you know Midlands of England,

it would be approximately 10 times the weight of that thing.

That's going to mean a lot to all the listeners at home.

It's also going to be confusing when James boosts that laugh in the edit.

Here's one thing you can get if you go to the moon.

The secret to David Copperfield's magic tricks.

No!

Yes.

They are on the moon now.

There was this private mission, there was a crash on the moon in 2019, which I can't believe we didn't, more wasn't made of it.

It was a private spacecraft called Beresheet, and it had a disc on it.

It had a

sort of human library, which had Wikipedia, had thousands of books, and one of the other things on it was the technical illustrations and diagrams for David Copperfield's magic tricks.

It's not certain that it survived, but it was in a really well-protected, it wasn't just a DVD, it was a 25-layer sandwich of metal and resin.

It was really well protected.

And so it is possible it is surviving there.

And Copperfield said he was so inspired by the idea of the mission that he wanted to give away secrets and put it in.

I mean, when aliens get there and find that, they're not going to have the saw or the box to put the woman in.

Or even the woman.

It's a part in the box.

Another thing on the moon, a bunch of flags, as we know.

Very controversial at the time whether to erect an American flag on the moon.

So when Apollo 11 first went there, there was this big debate in the US because it was that post-colonial era when everyone was saying that was really bad, where we stamped our flags in countries that weren't ours and claimed that they were.

Let's not do that again.

And so, they said, Okay, we probably shouldn't put an American flag there because it's like we're claiming it.

And then there was a suggestion, which they seriously considered and almost did, to instead bring up a miniature flag for every country on earth for them to put into the soil.

It's so sad they didn't have 160 tiny flags.

I think it was a relief because it sounded like a real arseach hammering the one flag in what a bucket will eventually do.

You have to do when, like, for instance, South Sudan.

The South Sudan problem.

You've got to go back to East Timor.

Every time there's a new country, you have to go back.

Please don't divide into two countries.

It's going to be so expensive for NASA.

There already is,

not a model village, but a model something on the moon.

There's a model.

It's a miniature art gallery which is very exciting oh yeah it's called the moon museum and an artist called Forrest Myers commissioned artworks from six different artists to draw tiny tiny drawings and the loot the engineer he at NASA he gave it to says that he stuck it onto the leg of the lunar module so it's there there's no confirmation it's there but it's got Andy Warhol's signature so why do you think it might you think he might be lying or it's no one has no one has properly confirmed oh yes we saw that and it's obviously the lunar module is still there so we don't know if there's a wasn't Andy Warhol's signature just a cock and balls.

Well, it looks like a ball.

It looks a lot like a cock and balls, yes.

But there's also a sketch of Mickey Mouse on that tile.

Doesn't Mickey Mouse look like a cock and balls?

I think.

Flip Andy Warhol's signature upside down, and you've got Mickey.

Yeah.

I think that says more about you, James, than it does.

It says a lot about my childhood, doesn't it?

Yeah, so there's no final confirmation that there is a tiny art gallery on the moon, but wouldn't it be nice?

Actually, speaking of cocks and balls in space,

there was a lot of of worry

when astronauts first went up.

Whether, well, not a worry, but they were interested whether you could have sex up there or not.

Because people thought that, you know, if you have an erection, the gravity might be needed to get the blood down there.

But luckily, there was a guy called Michael Malane who was interviewed by Men's Health magazine in 2014, and he said that sometimes he had a boner that I could have drilled through kryptonite.

So that's wow!

That's put that to bed.

What an image!

There's some kryptonite.

None of our drills are working.

Can we get that guy with his rock hard boner

and drill him?

My God.

Imagine that guy's day every day.

How was work, honey?

Yep.

Managed to break through the unbreakable rocks with my dick.

It is time for our final fact of the show, and that is James.

Okay, my fact this week is that deer penises are often sold with the pelvis attached, so the buyer knows they're not being ripped off with a seal's penis.

Five quid for every seal penis I've sent back to the shop.

Outraged.

Well, the problem was you broke the seal, didn't you?

I don't think it was me who broke the seal.

I'm receiving his penis through the post.

So this was an article on the online magazine Stuff.nz, and it was about New Zealand's pizzle market.

And New Zealand sells deer penises mostly to China and to Hong Kong because they're used in traditional Chinese medicine as a sexual vigor enhancer.

And this was basically just telling us how well they're doing.

In the last year or so, they've sold $5.2 million worth of pizzle.

That's 1,700 tons of deer pizzles.

So, if you can imagine a large sort of metal mirror that might be outside a theater in the Midlands, Midlands.

There's about 170 of those.

That's how much it was.

Golly.

I think that's since 1994.

Like, it's the total.

But it's a lot.

It's a lot of pizzle.

I didn't know anything about pizzle.

I didn't know that was a word.

Yeah, well,

I only knew it because I studied English and there's a line in Shakespeare where someone says, you bulls pizzle.

That's a great insult.

I only knew it because of Snoop Dogg going shizzle dizzle, man, nizzle, pizzle.

I think if Snoop Dogg asks you to snizzle his pizzle, then

you might want to get out of that party.

I regret that evening.

They're a lot closer than, yeah.

But

cattle pizzle is sold as a dog treat.

I didn't know this.

I think that's the only reason I knew what.

But we've all got different origin stories for pizzle.

Yeah, you get a bull's pizzle for dogs.

Right.

Well, clearly they do, but

it's very distressing.

I agree with Andy.

I've seen those, but does it say on the packet genuine penis?

No,

I don't think it says.

That's why I say pizzle.

I think in the ingredients somewhere it makes clear that it is the pizzle of a bull.

I don't know if it has some genuine penis stamped across the front like a warning sign.

I think that should be said on things I'm buying.

We'll all club together Dan.

We'll get you a t-shirt that says it.

How about that?

Do you know?

Do you know?

Took a while for you to get there.

But the prep is really upsetting, isn't it?

If you're the deer.

If you're the deer or the whatever.

So you take it, you clean it, you wash it,

you hang it, you stretch it, then you cook it for several days.

This is the worst daft punk site I've ever done.

Stretch it, hang it, clean it, cap it.

It's really upsetting.

It is, and actually, like the farmers tend to not get paid for it.

If you're a deer farmer, you don't get extra money for your pizzle.

The money go

for your deer's pizzles.

The money goes to the people who kind of cut it up, the butchers and stuff like that, and then they get it as an extra bit of money.

And there was a guy who was in charge of Deer Industry New Zealand, and he said that it can't be justified that you can pay them extra for it until farmers have a way of producing animals with attributes like larger tails or pizzles.

So until you can find the way of making a deer with an absolutely enormous penis, you're not going to get paid extra for it.

Okay, because

the butchers have to do a lot of work, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And there because there is a a big difference in value with size, isn't there?

So they're sold in different sizes.

You've got the under ten inch, lame, ten to twelve inch.

Ten to twelve inch is okay, twelve to fourteen.

And then over fourteen inches is where it's really at if you want to have all your virility problems solved, according to Chinese medicine.

And some are up to 20 inches long, which I think you're pretty much immortal once you've eaten that.

Some are 36.

That's even longer longer than 20.

Well, that's after they've been stretched.

Yeah, yeah.

That's after the stretching process is over.

Yeah.

Okay.

And we should say the reason, or maybe you did say that the reason the deer is so, well, the reason it's upsetting when you get a seal instead of a deer is because the deer is so valuable, right?

A seal penis is nothing compared to a deer.

And in fact, there are often others being substituted for deer penises.

Like, I think there's a big problem with sheep's penis and testicles, pizzle.

So pizzle is sort of the two together.

Sheep's pizzle being sold,

counterfeiting, pretending to be deer pizzle.

And it's because sheep have much bigger testicles, and so they get a lot more bang for their buck.

Yeah, you can bulk it out.

It's not a buck, guys.

Right.

Oh, very nice.

I can't, I can't, in my head right now, I can't picture a seal's penis.

No, no, you're right.

So, like, I can picture, I can picture a bull and a sheep, but a seal, if we're talking, do they have testicles as well?

I guess they're inside the the testicles.

They're inside.

I think so, yeah.

Weird thing that just happened, I just pictured Seal's penis, and that's the singer.

And

you're in public, Dan.

Like, you're doing a show.

You don't need to say everything that

you're doing.

I've never seen seals, but then I thought, oh, Seal, he must have one.

And

I think they have like a genital slit, which then opens up and the penis comes out.

Seal.

Seals.

The singer, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you you guys heard of Fuchsia Dunlop?

She is an English writer and cook, and she was the first Westerner to train as a chef at the Sichuan Institute in Chengdu.

And she has written one of the greatest articles I have ever read online about cooking pizzles.

She used some traditional Chinese recipes to do this.

She made it into kind of a stew.

She said the raw testicle penises in particular were a shocking sight because they were too big to fit in the fridge.

So she kept them outside on the side.

Their silent presence, huge, furry, and outrageous, cast a strange atmosphere over the apartment that night.

And she goes on and goes on about how she kind of cooked these things.

And she said that at one stage she says the next step was the bleaching, at which the pizzles abruptly stiffened.

One of them lunged out of the saucepan when we weren't looking.

Lunged.

I can go on and on, but it is the greatest article.

I'll put it on by Sweater as well.

Unbelievably good.

She's amazing if you're done.

I've got her cookbook.

She's the woman who brought Chinese cooking to the West, really.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

She's still alive.

Fab recipes, yeah.

Nice.

Have you,

you guys may have found this in the course of your research, but another useful pizzle, if you're not feeding it to a dog or whatever it may be, or using it in traditional Chinese medicine, is that it

makes a good walking stick

for a a very small person.

Yeah, what?

For Yoda?

For

a three-foot walking stick?

That's a reasonable height.

But that's after it's been stretched.

That's after it's been stretched, yeah.

That's correct.

We're all, okay, we're all on the same page now.

That's a decent size, I promise.

And basically, you can get these on.

Can't believe I'm having to defend a 36-inch walking stick.

Anyway, look, you can get them on eBay.

There are some on eBay, which are antique, and there is also a website, fashionablecanes.com, which has a lengthy section of prose about

the legendary bull penis cane is the most unique of all walking canes, and it's sort of it's there's a rod down the middle and then it's stretched over this, but it's genuine pizza being used.

And it goes on and on and on about, you know, using one of these canes will shock anyone when you tell them what it is, and it's sure to create an interesting conversation.

It lists lots of people who've used canes in the past: Johnny Depp, Madonna, Brad Pitt.

None of them had penis canes, though.

And

this website is amazing.

It goes on and it says, even if a cow penis cane is not your style, it can make the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy person on your list.

It makes the perfect over-the-hill or retirement gift.

If I retire and you guys give me a stretched bull's penis walking stick, I won't take it well.

Come on, you'll be absolutely delighted.

Not very useful on a cold day when you're going for walking.

This was a traditional, sort of, is a traditional cure for impotence, I suppose, right?

That's largely what you'll grind up some bull's pizzle or some deer pizzle, you'll drink it, you'll go on for years.

And I was just looking at some other.

The kryptonite won't know what hit it.

The planet of krypton was split in two.

So if the pizzle didn't work, quite an important part of the Protestant Reformation, according to my reading, which was biased towards the word pizzle, fine,

was this other ritual that you would do to solve impotence.

So this is around 15th century, 16th century.

It was to urinate through your wife's wedding ring.

And

from what distance?

And is she wearing it at the time?

But this was cited as one of the reasons that Calvin wanted to do away with the exchange of wedding rings because he was, you know, Calvin's great Protestant leader.

He was worried that this superstition was kind of taking over the wedding ring superstition.

Men were just sort of pissing through women's wedding rings all the time.

And it said if that didn't work and you still couldn't get it up, then you had to go and urinate through the keyhole of the church that you got married in.

Wow, wow.

That's what that TV show Through the Keyhole used to be about, isn't it?

Who piss in a house like this?

Was that done, do you think?

I believe it was done.

Well, the the wedding ring thing was done enough for Calvin to want to ban it.

So I reckon the Keo thing was done enough for a priest to be pretty pissed off and those cleaners to be very confused.

Absolutely, yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Another thing for the cleaners in the church is, is this meant to be here this year?

Viagra.

Does anyone eat any?

Because I have a bunch on me.

No, Viagra was invented and patented by Pfizer.

Pfizer who have just stepped up to help try and save the world with the vaccine.

I've been injected with Pfizer myself.

They were, you sound so surprised.

It's not like they were a little like Blackberry-selling startup.

They were just one of the world's biggest medication manufacturers for the last time.

It was never that you think you were going to get a COVID vaccine and you accidentally get a Vietnamese.

Imagine that.

We're all walking out with our arm in the air.

Like some Nazi rally.

Sorry, there's been a mix-up with our famous vaccine.

There's a thing called low-intensity shockwave therapy, which this is a proven thing that helps you if you have impotence problems.

The physician will wave a wand over your penis,

and the wand makes these tiny shockwaves, little kind of

what it sounds like is little clicks, like

and what that will do, apparently,

exactly.

Apparently it sounds a bit like a Newton's cradle, you know,

that tie.

And it stimulates the blood vessels and it helps you to be unimpotent.

Free willing.

Free willing.

Thank you.

Okay,

that is it.

That is all of our facts.

Thank you so much for listening.

If you would like to get in contact with any of us about the things that we have said over the course of this podcast, we can all be found on our Twitter account.

I'm on at Schreiberland, Andy, at Andrew Hunter M.

James, at James Harkin, and Anna.

You can email podcast at qi.com.

Yep, or you can go to our group account, which is at no such thing, or you can go to our website, no such thingasofish.com.

All of our previous episodes are up there, as well as the link to all the upcoming tour dates as part of our Nerd Immunity 2021 tour.

Thank you so much, Nottingham.

We had an amazing time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.