354: No Such Thing As Worrying About What Might Happen

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Hi, everyone.

Welcome to the end of 2020.

Oh, my days.

We made it.

It's the end of the year and the start of what hopefully will be an amazing 2021 for all of you guys.

What have we got for you?

Well, we have our annual clip show.

It's massive.

It's one and a half hours of all the bits that didn't quite fit in the edits of this year's no such things a fish.

I really hope you like it.

These are always my favorite episodes because they go from one thing to another to another.

You never know what you're gonna get, but you do know that there'll always be something interesting or something a bit silly.

Okay, well, what else is there to say?

I suppose our book Fun You Should Ask is still available in all shops if you got book tokens.

Do people still get book tokens?

Well, anyway, it's in the shops.

Funny You Should Ask by the QI Elves.

And also, next year, we hope will be a big year of touring for us.

As soon as the venues open, we will be back out there to do our thing, meet all you guys.

So keep an eye on no such thing as a fish.com for any details about that.

And I believe there is one show that is currently on sale that will be in London in the spring.

So get tickets for that, get our book, enjoy this show, and we'll see you on the other side.

Happy New Year!

On with the podcast.

Hey guys, I've got a quick quiz question.

If the date is Wednesday, the 31st of December, are you in the last week of the year?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

That is incorrect.

You're in the first week of the year.

So I'm afraid you all have to leave.

What?

Can you not be in both?

No, of course you can't be in both.

What do you mean?

It's Wednesday, the 31st of December.

You're in the last.

No, but the week's different, isn't it?

Because it's more heavy set on the other side of the week in days.

If it was on a scale, it would weigh over to the new year week, wouldn't it?

Dan's describing better what the International Organization for Standardization describes in terms of how to refer to weeks so you know across the world we have to have the same definition of week one week two week three of a year and the week

i've got to say i'm with add the on this one

the week weeks have to start on a monday and we've got to have the same week so that trading and business internationally globally works so there's an international body that decides what week one is and the definition of week one of the year is the week with the year's first thursday in it so if the first of january is a thursday then week one actually starts on the 29th of December, which is that Monday, right?

So week one is that.

So if the 31st of December is on a Wednesday, then you're actually in week one of the next year.

No, that's insane.

You can't have week one beginning two days before the year ends.

I'm sorry.

It's absolutely mad.

No one does things in weeks anyway.

You do things in quarters.

When it happens like that, Anna always has her New Year's party on Sunday, the 28th of December, don't you?

We do.

It's an absolute banging event with

me and my cat in attendance.

I'm sorry you guys have never been able to make it.

Just very quickly, what number, Archbishop of Paris, do you reckon André Ventrois is

the 23rd?

22nd.

As far as I can tell, he's the 30th.

So that's his actual name, André Ventrois.

And he, yeah, he was born with the surname 23.

And the best guess is that it was because an sort of ancestor of his was found and adopted, and they were found on the 23rd of a month, and so they were given that surname.

Yeah, so but as far as I can tell, he's the 30th.

There's a lot of breaks in their archbishops over the years, uh, so there might be a few that are not in there.

Hey, what's Archbishop Ventois's favorite band?

I don't know, Andy.

What is Archbishop Vantrois's favorite band?

Eiffel 65,

and it's because they have a French name and then a number.

Oh, really?

Well,

I fooled.

No, no, I do understand that.

And he's French, and he has a number in his name.

Do you know what their favourite punk band is?

It's Blink182.

And that's because French people blink like the rest of us.

And there's a number following that.

I really think we should move this on.

I've got to get out of here.

What is Archbishop?

No.

Francois' favourite album by Adele.

There's a few options there.

20.

21 because he's called 23 and it's just another number.

Yeah.

Yes.

Interesting, you propose it to the original 19.

It's closer, isn't it?

It's closer to him.

Yeah.

Are all of Adele's albums numbered?

Yeah.

Oh, mate.

Yes.

Yeah.

19.

It's the age she was when.

It's actually not the ages anymore.

They've become untethered from her age.

But yeah.

I thought, I was thinking, she can't have released 23 albums or 21 albums

early on in her career.

Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

There's an Indian lujer

called Shiva Keshavan, and he has been a true victim of the Indian government's low prioritising of various Olympic sports.

He is

you can understand why the Indian government isn't

prioritizing a luge.

Look, no.

Think about the Himalayas.

Think about the pre-low territory you've got for losing.

I was just thinking that Sean Connery would be a good luge manager, like coach, because he'd be like, you're a lujer.

You're a loser.

And all the SHs, Sean Connery's both got Shiva Keshavan.

You're a luja.

So he had to train on wheels,

not in a proper luge thing, because that's normally on ice, isn't it?

The luge.

He had to make a sled, basically, with wheels on and just train on busy roads.

Just going downhill in the Himalayas.

And there's footage of him dodging a herd of goats, which is in the middle middle of the road.

And he has to sort of frantically lose around.

You know, Old MacDonald had a farm?

Very well.

Did you do it?

E-I-E-I-O.

Well, the earliest version we have was actually Old MacDougall Had a Farm, E-I-E-I-O.

And there's an even earlier version, which is not about a farm, but it's Old Missouri Had a Mule.

He high, he high ho.

And every country around the world has its own version of Old McDonald, and they're all on Wikipedia, of course.

So in Turkish, it's Ali Baba has a farm, E-I-E-I-O.

In Swedish, it's Per Olsen has a farm, E-I-E-I-O.

And in Serbian, it's Svako Yutro Yetno Yaje Oganismus Nagudaye, which means one egg a day gives the strength to human organism.

Wow.

They've just gone completely random.

I don't understand that at all.

Every other country in the world, it's about someone having a farm and they're just like, nope, eat your eggs.

When planes are actually just coming into land as a normal procedure, the way it works is that they have to get ready miles before they even see where the airport is.

They've got to get to a certain height.

And then there's a couple of things that they have to either see.

They've got to either have eyes on the runway or the lights that they can see coming from it to know that they're at the right height.

And it's actually the computer on board the airline airline that makes them make a snap decision about whether or not they're able to land or if they're at the wrong bit.

So, as they're getting ready to that moment, the computer will just yell out in the cockpit, Decide.

That's all they get.

She goes, Decide!

And then they go, Yes, we're doing it, or they have to pull out.

Sounds like a TV quiz show,

and now it's time to decide.

Oh, you would have wanted speed boat, but you've died in a blank.

That is amazing.

Do they get warning?

Is there a sort of, I'm going to have to hurry you here?

Your time's going to be.

I hope you've made up your mind because in a minute you're going to have to decide.

And then if they go for it, it goes, ooh, interesting decision.

We'll come back after the break to see if you've made the right call.

There is a problem with being in the center of America, someone found out.

There's this massive problem that was generated for someone who lives quite near the center of the US, in fact.

And this is to do with a company called MaxMind.

Have you read about this story?

About IP addresses?

Okay, so it's so weird.

Basically, MaxMind is this company who about sort of just over 10 years ago started calculating the location of loads of IP addresses.

So you know with your computer, you've got an IP address.

MaxMind figured out whereabouts they all were geographically.

and then it could sell that information to companies like Google and Facebook and lots of other people.

But often when you're trying to work out where an IP address is, you can't get it exact.

And sometimes it'll just say this is somewhere in America or somewhere in the US.

And so, for all of those, MaxMind just default assumed that they were in the middle.

So, they got the coordinates of roughly the middle of America and said, Okay, all the IP addresses that we can't quite place, they just are here.

And it turns out here is a rural farmhouse belonging to someone called Joyce Taylor, who now has 600 million IP addresses registered in her farmhouse.

And it's a complete disaster because basically, if there's a troll online, or if there's someone who's hacked your company, or if there's someone doing criminal activity online and the police are tracking them down, they chase up their IP address and they constantly find it's at Joyce Taylor's farmhouse.

And she's just inundated with kind of abuse and people writing her threatening letters and had no idea why.

For about eight years, she was just like, why am I being

what's happening to me?

Are we doing until this journalist tracked her down?

Are we definitely discounting the fact that Joyce is like a massive cyber criminal?

She's a criminal mastermind, an 82-year-old criminal mastermind.

It's possible.

That's possible.

Oh, poor Joyce.

Apparently, the Vern scholars refer to the novel as around the world in 80 days and the play as around the world in 80 days, but with 80 the digits.

So that's how you can tell the difference.

I'll be honest, I didn't get that from when you were reading it out.

I saw the fatal flaw in transferring this visual thing in front of me to the audio medium.

We were really hoping you were going to say around the world in 80 plays was what they called the play.

He wasn't that smart a guy, you know?

People claim he was.

You know what?

No mitten crabs.

If you catch one, is there always a string attached to another mitten crab on the other end?

The CIA, they collected a load of jokes in the Soviet Union in the 80s.

That was one of the things they did and that got declassified quite recently.

We're not quite sure why they did it, but it might have been a way to kind of gauge what people were thinking in the Soviet Union or maybe a way of undermining the government or stuff.

So they found stuff like, there are two men waiting in a line to buy vodka.

The first man says, I've had enough.

Save my place.

I'm going to shoot Gorbachev.

Two hours later, he returns to claim his place in the line.

His friend said, Did you get him?

And the man replies, no, the line there was even longer than the line here.

That's a good joke.

It's not bad.

A man goes into a shop.

A man goes into a shop and says, You don't have any meat, do you?

No, replies the sales lady.

We don't have any fish.

It's a store across the street that doesn't have any meat.

Again,

that's good.

It works, doesn't it?

I think that's really good.

Yeah.

Were they planning on distributing the big book of CIA jokes about your country?

Feels like it, doesn't it?

My favorite person to have sort of an Olympic career and then a follow-up is a guy called Ross Rebagliati.

He was the first person ever to win gold at the Winter Olympics in snowboarding, which was in 1998.

And it was really sad for him because he won gold and then he was drugs tested and they found cannabis in his system.

And so he was immediately had his gold rescinded.

He was put in jail for maybe importing it into Japan, I think, which is where the Olympics were.

And then within about 72 hours, they then gave the gold medal back because they went, actually, cannabis is not on our list of banned substances, as it wasn't back then.

But he insisted that it was from secondhand smoke.

You know, he hadn't smoked weed for almost a year and it was nothing to do with him.

He was furious.

But he has now gone on to found a company called Legacy Brands, a CBD and cannabis consumables company, and has a series of different strains of weed named after him.

So

that's his job now.

Insists he wasn't stoned then, but is stoned all the time now.

I guess you can never guess what's going to happen, can you?

Because

the 1984 Olympics promotion by McDonald's about you could get a free item off the menu every time the US team got on the podium.

I don't know what you got, Big Mac for gold or something, fries for silver or something.

They didn't expect the Soviet Union to drop out of the Olympics.

So

the bloody American National Admiral was playing all the time.

And

I think there was even a shortage of hamburger buns

because

people got so many.

So you've got to be careful what you offer up, I think.

Yeah, at any Olympics, saying that about Team USA is not the right call.

No, you're right.

You want to make it team Togo.

Just be super cautious.

Yeah, I think so.

The Danish basketball team.

I think you're going to

make it quite nation-specific.

Jamaica, Winter Olympics.

They had one year where it looked a bit dodgy.

I might have lost a few burgers, but otherwise, you're safe.

One more thing.

Just that you can buy, so I think you were talking at the start about how audio stuff can also maybe trigger weird hallucinations or change your brain makeup.

And actually, they have now invented headphones, which I think are either on the market now or they're coming onto the market soon, which send electrical impulses into your brain and they cause it to release more like dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin, like happiness hormones, essentially.

And they're called, I think they're called Nirvana headphones.

So they stimulate the vagus nerve in your brain, apparently, which then releases all those neurotransmitters.

And they'll do it in time to the beat of the music you're listening to.

So you could even be listening to the Verve or something, but you'd be over the moon oh unnecessary burn on the verb

i love the verb but they're not upbeat yeah but i've heard that they've tried that but the drugs don't work so it's

hey

there was wasn't there a big clash in east berlin about uh updating the traffic light men because really that yeah the the east had particular traffic light men and they were called ampel menschin i think which is that literally means exactly that, the traffic light men.

And one of the things that was proposed is replacing all of them.

And people in East Berlin particularly said, no, we really, we really like these particular traffic sites.

It's sort of something very recognizable, very iconic about this half of the city.

And so those, I think, were rolled out.

And in fact, this is not useful for anyone at home, but we have one in a jar just here.

Oh, that's what this is.

Right.

Okay, let's see it.

Can we see it?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, it's here.

So this is a little tin of tea.

This is a tea.

Oh, I recognise that.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you'll recognise the stop and the gold.

You know what?

The gold man looks a bit like an old monopoly man kind of thing.

Does a bit of it?

People see lots of these, right?

These are in Berlin.

Well, it's a big souvenir thing in Berlin now.

Yeah, yeah.

But also on the traffic lights is the noticeable thing.

Exactly.

Where you see a traffic light go and you're like, I mean, there aren't souvenirs, but they're all.

Well, they were kept.

That's sort of the point.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're really cool.

They're much more jaunty.

I'm just not sure that show and tell is ever going to work as a podcast, but

it worked when you had your old tie, so maybe

the American Dairy Association has a page on its website called Famous Cows of the World, and it's a good read.

There are a whole bunch of cows on there, but my favorite was Elm Farm Ollie.

Do you guys know about Elm Farm Ollie?

Well, neither did I, but it was the first cow to fly and also the first,

when I say fly, I should be clear, the first clown to ride in an aeroplane.

Clown?

Clown?

So it was a clown as well as a cow.

It's a clown cow.

It must have had massive shoes.

Had a red nose and huge shoes.

I've lost it.

It was the first cow to take a flight and it was the first cow to be milked mid-flight.

This was in Missouri in 1930.

And, you know, all these things have some kind of spurious scientific justification.

And so the justification for this, when they paid huge amounts of money to take it up, was they wanted to observe the mid-air and high-altitude effect on animals in flight of their milking and of their milk.

And it turns out it didn't make a difference to the milk.

But oh, there was a farmer called Bunts, Elsworth Bunts, who milked her, who then also became the first person to milk a cow mid-flight.

So a huge sequence of firsts for Elm Farm Ollie.

Yeah.

It's good to be the one who's milking Elm Farm Ollie because

if he asks you to smell her flour, it's always going to be milk that squirts out of it into your mouth.

Okay.

Dan, do you want to try a punchline to that section?

Yeah, I'd like to see you try it, Dan.

The master is smoking.

We can't possibly tell that.

Has Wonky shut down now?

It has.

Yeah, it has.

Yeah.

Has it?

What?

No, it had new management a few years ago.

I've definitely had it in the last year.

I can guarantee they don't do that kind of rude service anymore.

They don't do the rude service.

All their TripAdvisor reviews went downhill slightly after they stopped being rude to the customers because that was part of the experience.

They're like three stars.

The guy was really nice to me who gave me my meal.

It was amazing.

I went there once and we sat down on the table.

It was me and three other people.

And then halfway through the meal, literally halfway through the meal, we went, oh, we need this table now.

You need to go upstairs.

And they took all of us up and made us sit on a much smaller table upstairs while they put other people on our table.

Wow.

I had a meal there with Tom Davis, who who is, people will know him on TV as King Gary and a few other TV shows.

And we went there and they put us on a big round table where there was an entire family sitting and we had an old grandmother sitting in between us.

We weren't even next to each other at the table.

Oh, it was wonderful.

Great days, Wonkies.

Anyway, our podcast.

Yeah, back to the podcast.

A happy place comes in many colors.

Whatever your color, bring happiness home with CertaPro Painters.

Get started today at Certapro.com.

Each Certipro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

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Do you guys know about the Devonish Fibs family?

No.

No?

Well, they're an extremely prominent family, in a sense, in that their names are all over park benches across the UK.

And so this started to be spotted about 10 years ago, maybe a bit more.

And there are sort of park benches with, you know, those plaques on in memory of.

And they're always in memory of someone Devenish Fibs.

So for instance, in Dartmouth Park, near where I used to live, there's one that was in memory of Winter Devenish Fibbs.

And it said, like to have everything just so.

And then the plaque was at a lopsided angle.

And

there was another one somewhere which was.

in memory of Barbara Devenish Fibbs, whose wish was to have a bench plaque inscribed with her last words.

Unfortunately, her last words were, and then it's a series of expletives.

Asterisk cloud.

That's really funny.

Currently, scientists are trying to find out who killed the dodo with a CT scanner.

Whoa.

There was more than one dodo, though.

That's true.

Yes.

No, that's true.

What do you mean, though?

So do you mean like

a specific one, or is it?

I do mean a specific one.

There's a dodo in Oxford's Museum of Natural History, and

it's a celebrity dodo, actually, although these days all dodo's are celebrities.

But But this is the one that Lewis Carroll may have seen when he was writing Alice in Wonderland, and it might have inspired the dodo in that.

But scientists thought that it had been killed

some way, or that it had died of natural causes, actually, because they thought it would be brought on.

They threw it on a threw it on a bonfire or something.

I thought they destroyed it.

Yeah.

Well, they've still got the skull, all right?

That's the main thing.

And so they put the skull in a CT scanner, and they found it didn't die of natural causes.

It was shot in the head with a shotgun.

So that is the opposite of natural causes.

And what they're trying to do now, they've got a little bit of the lead that kind of impacted with the back of the skull, and they are trying to find out what country the lead from those shotgun pellets was mined in.

And then they're going to try and find out where the shot was made from that lead.

And they basically are on the longest cold case ever where they're trying to find out 400 years later who pulled the trigger.

Wow.

Oh, gosh.

What are they going to do?

In prison, his great, great, great, great-grandchildren?

Yeah, exactly.

They're going to get a knock on their door where are you on the 4th of march 1596

it's just i was just looking into the quirks of iceland the country um i didn't know this beer was banned there until 1989

really

it was banned in 1915 they had a referendum and they decided to ban beer and then in 1921 they had to change it a bit they legalized wine because spain threatened to stop buying iceland's fish if iceland kept on refusing to import spanish wine So they said, okay, Frank, we'll have some wine.

And then they allowed very, very weak beer, but they didn't allow normal strength beer.

And this backfired badly because people just started putting vodka into their incredibly weak beer and making a kind of horrible beer and vodka cocktail.

Some of the spirits that you get in Iceland are unbelievable.

I went to, there's a restaurant that specialises in slightly sort of

quirky food, and I ordered the fermented shark.

And it comes in a jar, a sealed kilner jar with a rubber thing and a very, very strong glass of well, we call it schnapps, I don't know what you call it, it's a very strong

pure alcohol thing.

And I said to the guy, I didn't order the schnapps, he said, you're going to need it.

And you, because for the sake of the other diners, you have to open the jar really, really quickly.

and grab a little spoonful of this stuff and stick it in your mouth and close it because it smells so terrible.

And the taste was the most disgusting thing I've ever had.

It burned the back of my throat.

And I did take the schnapps as a shot.

I drank it so quickly.

Anything to make the taste of the cemented shark go away.

I really thought you were going to turn it around and say, the amazing thing is it smells awful, but the taste is divine.

No, it smells awful and also tastes awful.

Horrendous.

Hey, one bit of royal etiquette, which I think is upheld in the royal family.

as opposed to being upheld by the tabloid press is eating etiquette, which is that, and it doesn't, it makes sense.

So the queen is served first, you would serve the queen first at a dinner.

And then, when she stops eating, really, you're supposed to stop eating as well.

And this has existed for a few hundred years.

And it was really difficult with Queen Victoria because this was the practice then as well.

But, Queen Victoria, the thing about her was she was incredibly greedy.

She used to eat extremely fast.

Like, her advisors used to say, stop eating so fast.

She got terrible indigestion.

She could eat seven courses in half an hour, apparently.

And she was always served first.

And so, the people who were served last, by the time they got their plates, they were sort of immediately whipped away from them again because Queen Victoria had inhaled her first course.

I gotta say, Anna, we've been for dinner quite a lot of times, and you will not let a plate go if there's any food left on it, no matter whose plate it was.

Is this why you've never met the queen?

Because it's, I did it once, and I've been banned from dining with the queen since, desperately trying to lick everyone's plates as they were taken away.

I had a quick look at some things that you could get sent to prison for in Finland.

In 2015, the police asked the members of the public that if they saw a pizza that was on sale for under six euros to inform the police.

The way that they saw it is it's impossible to run a business where you sell pizzas for less than six euros.

It's just the ingredients are too much.

It's completely impossible.

So if people are doing that, it means that they can't be paying the tax on the pizza, which means that they must be tax avoiders.

And so they asked, literally, asked people to say, as soon as you see any pizza on sale for underneath that price, send us the menu and we'll arrest the guys.

That's so funny.

That is a bargain price for a whole pizza.

Yeah, it is.

Unless you're in a shop.

In a shop, it's the kind of normal price for a shop pizza.

That's a very, very posh shop pizza, really, isn't it?

Yeah.

But I mean, there are pizza around the corner that you can take away delicious for a fiver.

And I'm now wondering if it's my responsibility to be informing on them.

Just tell the police in Finland, because obviously the taxes in Finland are a bit higher than they are in the UK.

So probably it's more of a seven pound thing in the UK.

Oh, you feel bad.

If you've got the whole staff and structure of the co-op sent to Finnish prison,

what are you in for?

I'm also in for selling this pizza.

There's the pizza wing, isn't there?

For hardened criminals.

I went on eBay to look at what the most expensive items currently on eBay are that you can buy that are related to Lincoln.

Did you find the horse hair?

Yes, it's so good.

So there's a lot of tails.

There's a lot of hair from the horse you rode in the 1860 election called Old Bob.

And

old Bob attended his funeral.

And for just $1,250,

you can buy a hair of this horse.

One hair?

Yeah.

Actually, it's not a lot, it's one hair.

A single hair.

You wouldn't, like, if you open the envelope, that could just fall onto the the carpet and you've lost it.

If you're a mafioso and you don't have the resources to put a whole horse's head on someone's pillow.

I'm just thinking that, you know, as a middle-aged man who's losing his hair, it shouldn't, I shouldn't be letting it go down the drain.

I should be saving this in case I become president or like the president's horse or something in the future.

I don't know.

Surely this is our next tour match.

Hark and say.

I've got just one last thing about sort of ingenious ways of catching poachers, people who are trying to illegally catch all of these fish.

During the early 80s to about 1998, there was a guy who worked for the California U.S.

Fish and Wildlife Service, and his name was Terry Gross.

And he was sort of sick of the fact that there were poachers that would go in the early morning to catch all this salmon when that was highly illegal.

So you usually had to stop half an hour after sunset, and they would drive out at two or three in the morning.

And they would get away with it because the tracks that were leading to all of these lakes were monitored by other poachers.

So if they saw a truck come down that they knew was one of the wardens, they would say, quickly, get the boat in, get out of there.

So they had plenty of warning.

So he had no idea what to do.

But then he came up with this idea of putting on a wetsuit, getting into the water before the day ended, and waiting patiently.

And what he would do is, while they were fishing salmon, he would loosen the glove of his wetsuit.

And as they were fishing, it would hook onto his glove and he would slowly splash around.

And they would start going, oh my God, I've caught a massive salmon.

And he would go harder and harder.

And they're like, this is the biggest salmon we've ever got.

They've got this on recording, these words.

And they would slowly come in and they would get to him.

And as they got right up to him, he would say, Good morning, gentlemen, state fish and game warden, you're under arrest.

And he would pull out, he would pull out of his wetsuit a citation book and he would give them their finds.

And then he would go back in and try and catch more people.

And Ira Glass at NPR, This American Life, looked into it and they found that there were plenty of these people that used to do this, sit there for hours and get caught by the fishermen.

Yeah, wait, but did they?

So, did they have their heads underwater while they were waggling their glove above the water?

No, because it was so dark, so they would they would sort of

sit above and yeah, but just in a nice little spot.

It's brilliant.

This guy's an amazing guy.

That's real commitment to the job.

I don't know if I'd sit in freezing cold water for a full day in a pond just to catch a poacher.

I had a neighbor once, an elderly neighbor, who would sleep in his car to try and catch car thieves.

Really?

And he caught them.

Waggling keys out of the window as soon as someone grabs them.

I was just thinking that this guy who's pretending to be a fish, basically, he's lucky that they're not catching them with dynamite, isn't he?

Yeah.

Because that does not car back.

Well, actually,

in the example in this interview, they heard somebody going, get the net, get the net.

And then another voice goes, get the net, heck, get the gun.

So, one more thing about Olympians who have other jobs.

You know, the Brian brothers, the

tennis, the tennis guys.

The tennis Brians, yeah.

We absolutely love the Brian Brothers.

So it was sort of best doubles partnership ever of all time.

They've won a billion Olympic medals.

And they have a second, I don't know if I can call it a job because I don't know how much profit they make from it, but they also are a band.

They have the Brian Brothers band.

And so Bob plays the keyboard and Mike is on the guitar or drums, but he's not on the drums when the drummer of the Counting Crows joins them, which he does sometimes.

So like legit band.

And I mention it because everyone has to look up the 2009 song Autograph, which I'd forgotten about, but it features cameos from Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic.

And I'm telling you, I wish to God it was this Andy Murray here because that would have been less awkward than what they make Andy Murray the tennis player do.

It's about what a horrible chore it is signing autographs after matches.

And Andy Murray's little rap section in the middle includes the lyrics, during Wimbledon, it gets really crazy.

My hand cramps up and my mind gets hazy.

And look, I'm going to leave people to imagine the rest.

Andy Murray's rap section is never the words that should never ever be put together.

Another fun thing about ghost crabs is that they're very house-proud, but only when they are sexually mature, which maybe is the same for humans.

So, when males are not sexually mature, and if you get female house crabs, they burrow into the sand and they leave these tiny little holes in the sand.

They're smaller than a tiny coin, but they can go four or five feet down, which I always think is kind of cool.

Anyway, they burrow holes into the sand and they just throw the sand anywhere.

The sand that they've used to burrow, they just chuck it all over the beach.

But as soon as they hit sexual maturity, they suddenly sculpt the sand into a perfect pyramid.

And this is to sort of advertise themselves to ladies, we think.

So a woman can look across a beach and she'll spot the sexually mature men by the perfect pyramids that are next to their entrances.

And you'll see

the little entrance and then it's little crabby footsteps, footprints going to the pyramid.

Do you think that if a ghost crab goes to Egypt, they look over and they go, Fucking hell, there is a very attractive, enormous ghost crab over there.

Yeah,

Very intimidating trip.

Very intimidating stagdo for those males.

So you can find out a lot of things from CT scans of mummies.

They tried to, they CT scanned an Egyptian priest called Nas Yamun

and they scanned his throat and his vocal cords and they could find out what his voice was like.

So they did the CT scan of his vocal cords.

They created a 3D printed vocal tract and then they kind of fired air down it and they could work out exactly what he sounded like.

And it's basically people on the internet think he sounded a bit like Britney Spears.

Cool.

Oh,

I thought I'd heard this one.

I thought he just went,

he goes like, meow,

like that.

Meow.

And you know how she goes, meow, meow, meow.

Yeah.

James,

that's your cat you're thinking of.

Oh, that's not.

Sorry.

That's not Britney Spears.

But yeah, there was basically

the sound did the rounds on social media, and a lot of Britney Spears fans were very excited about it.

Wow.

Unreleased material from 2,000 years ago.

Well, the interesting thing is, like, Nes Yamun would have, he was a priest, so he would have done a lot of singing and chanting in the temples.

So basically, if you went back to ancient Egypt and you walked past a temple, it would sound like someone singing baby one more time.

Wow.

He wouldn't have been dressed as a schoolgirl, though.

It seems implausible.

Might have been.

There's probably a lot less chess players online than we actually think there are because they create fake accounts and they build them up and up to be sort of well-played chess players with high rankings and then they play themselves and defeat that person.

So it's sort of creating bogus accounts in order to defeat them and then raise your ranking.

Imagine if it's just one guy the whole of the chess.

Have you heard of sandbagging?

That's another cheating thing.

No, so win this one.

Yeah.

This is where you play deliberately badly to qualify for a tournament that is actually a bit beneath you, and then you win.

You take the brakes off and you

thump everybody.

That happens in golf as well, people claim.

Like you play badly for ages until your handicap gets way worse.

And then eventually you go, all right, today's the day that I'm going to try and win the tournament.

It's extremely looked down upon.

Yeah.

Well, they've got measures in place, don't they?

I think they have actual measures in place now on the chess side to stop that.

So

I I think it's if you ever achieved certain high scores, they look at it and go, well, there's no way that you can now suck that much because you got to this level.

And if you, if you won a certain amount of cash prize, like a high cash prize, well, how did you get to that?

You must be good.

You must be sandbagging us in order to do that.

So very embarrassing if you're not sandbagging and you are just having a really bad

dance.

You just got lucky one time.

Yeah.

It happened.

I think they had to change the rules or or tighten them a few years ago because there was a middle school.

So sad when you're sort of forcing 12-year-olds to do this, but in Texas, it's called Henderson Middle School.

And they entered a competition where you had to have a ranking under 900.

And then they absolutely smashed it.

They were investigated, and it turned out they'd lost all of their previous 28 matches.

And they're really good.

And someone worked out the chances of them having lost them all being as good as they were.

And it was one in sextillion chance that they could have lost all 28.

Which is like, if there'd been them playing chess since the start of the universe and everywhere in the universe, it still wouldn't have happened, probably.

So, they were disqualified, but 12-year-olds, come on.

Okay, I think it's not impossible that some people get to a really good position on chess.com because they're only playing people who are deliberately losing in order to sandbag.

So, they think they're incredible, they win a big cash prize, and then the next time they play it, their deficiencies are revealed, and then they get banned from playing because chess.com thinks they were the ones doing it.

Absolutely.

It's a mission cycle.

Other people who go down

sort of scavenging and hunting around the lost rivers are the Tyburn.

It's Tyburn.

Is that the pronunciation?

Is it the Tyburn Angling Society?

Yes, the Tyburn Angling Society.

It's just wonderful.

They meet up once a year to report on the fish they found.

It's always zero.

So it's not the greatest angling society.

But they are obsessed with the idea of daylighting, which is the idea of bringing these hidden rivers back to the surface through destruction of the stuff on top, of bringing the Tyburn back to being what it once gloriously was.

And it's an extraordinary thing that they put together in around 2000 where they put a full report to show how they would do it, where it would go.

It would demolish about £1 billion worth of real estate, unfortunately.

Darling, it's only Buckingham Palace that needs to go, really.

It's Buckingham Palace.

That's part of their plan.

They want to get rid of it.

I have one more thing about Houdini's habits at home.

When Houdini and his wife had an argument, he would leave, he'd walk around the block, and then he'd come back and he would open the door of the room where his wife was and throw his hat into the room, right?

If it was thrown out again, she was still angry, and I guess he would do it again.

And if the hat remained in the room, she'd calm down and they would go in and resolve it.

What if the argument was about him leaving his clothes hanging around the house all the time?

Like a lot of the arguments in my house are about.

So I read a paper called Man and Mongooses in Indian Culture by Derek O.

Loderick.

I'm not sure that's how you pronounce his name, but I'll look it up afterwards.

And I found the oldest known story about mongooses, and it's from 3,000 years ago.

There's a king who's having a feast, and then a mongoose walks in, and half of his body is made out of gold, and he comes in and he rolls in all the food of the feast and the king's like what the hell are you doing and he said oh well i once rolled in the food of a brahmin uh like a really holy uh hindu guy uh and the brahmin was so holy that he turned when he rolled in his food he turned half into gold and this mongoose is going around looking for another holy person so he can turn his whole body into gold right

i don't know if you want your whole body turned into gold I'm pretty sure King Midas taught us that, didn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They haven't come across each other.

King King Midas didn't turn into gold, did he?

Yeah.

No, no, no.

He turned everything he touched into gold.

He didn't get a gold finger.

And then

he touched his leg and he had a gold leg.

I know he regretted it because he couldn't eat.

But wait a minute, what happened?

No, no, he regretted it because you couldn't.

Well, partly because if you touched another person who he loved, they turned into gold.

And that's based on the fact that people don't want to be turned into gold.

Yeah.

What happened if King Midas touched himself?

Do we know?

Is it in the story?

They didn't do that in those days, James.

It was a cleaner time.

There was something about Finland that was in actually the original article I read, and it's about

an amazing fact that I didn't know.

And I can't remember how the journalist Lewis segued into it, but I'm just going to segue into it by saying she also mentioned that Finland's only monarch, the only monarch it's ever had, is this German guy who never visited Finland.

That's right.

And they, this is in 1917, they got independence from Russia.

And they started off thinking, we want a king.

Everyone else has got or a queen.

Everyone else has got one.

Where should we find one?

We obviously don't have a royal family here in Finland because we're brand new.

And so they picked this guy, Frederick Charles of Hesse, and he was a German prince.

They designed a crown for him, which I think you can still see on display somewhere in Finland.

And then before he even had a chance to enter the country, they changed their mind after a few months and he abdicated.

Ah,

that's it.

Did he abdicate from overseas?

As in he

he was still outside.

God, that's...

It must have been good in those days when there were all those new countries being formed.

And

if you were a minor noble in anywhere in Europe, whenever there was a new country, you must have been there with your fingers crossed thinking, oh, maybe I'm going to be king of that.

You're sitting in the waiting room with all the other potential monarchs going in for their interviews.

I hope that bastard from Schleswig-Holstein doesn't get it.

He's coming out looking all cocky.

Really aced the practical, the waving section of the interview.

Here's one quick thing on forgeries.

There is a forger, or there was a forger, called Elmir Dehori.

He was a Hungarian in the United States, and he did forgeries of loads of people, Picasso, Matisse, and he did loads of forgeries of Medigliani.

Okay, and he did so many Medigliani that these days it's impossible to compile a catalogue of Medigliani's work because we don't know what is real and what is a forgery by this guy, Dahori.

And the reason I bring it up is because he has a collection of all of his forgeries and it's run by a guy called Mark Forgi.

No.

Oh, wow.

Who's got extremely fast internet as well, hasn't he?

I like to, have you guys come across Freddie and Truce Overstegen?

No.

Who were they?

Not today.

He's not at the hotel here.

They were part of the Dutch Resistance, in fact, and they were 14 and 16 years old, respectively.

And they were killers, cold-blooded killers.

And they called their kills liquidations, which is kind of terrifying.

And apparently, the 14-year-old actually looked about 12.

So it was quite easy for them to get away with killing because no one expected to be killed by a 12-year-old girl.

And the way they did it was they had various methods, but they cycled around quite a lot.

I guess cycling was a thing for these resistance ladies.

And they would ambush collaborators.

So they'd be on two bikes and they'd have pistols in their bike baskets and they'd ambush them.

Or sometimes they'd do a drive-by.

So Freddy would be riding the bike and Truss would be on the back and, you know, cycle past some collaborators and just shoot them up as they ride by.

Wow.

Off into the sunset.

And what was the liquidation bit?

Or was that just a fancy...

They would just shoot them as opposed.

There was no melting them down.

No, no.

They didn't have like a vat of acid in their cellar where they dragged Nazi bodies.

Cool.

What, you didn't melt them down?

No, we just did a drive-by and shot them.

Well, you got to melt them down, mate.

Maybe they did daggers.

I didn't look into it enough.

There are a few sort of modern loopholes for companies in Britain that don't have a liquor license.

And I was reading about one place which was, there was a new craft distillery in Yorkshire that was being set up in a disused train station.

So they'd done it up and it was for

it was going to be for gin, I believe.

And it's called Tapling and Megan Megan Distilleries and by the time they were about to launch all the paperwork hadn't been done yet for their license but they had this big party that they wanted to promote their drinks so what they had to do was they looked and found a loophole which is if you're on a moving train you don't need a liquor license.

So all trains that you buy alcohol on, they don't need a license.

A moving train is exempt from it.

And the fact that they were in a train station and they had a parked train there, they got all the guests onto the train and they took it on a two and a half hour ride.

Just to one, they just went one way, turned around, well, not even turned around, just drove back again and did a two and a half hour gin masterclass once it was in motion.

And that allowed them the loophole of having the party still.

If you had a bar which had a miniature train on the counter, so it sort of came choo-chooing along with your drink, does that count?

Then you wouldn't need a liquor license.

Maybe you have to be on the train.

So if you went to like, what's that, what's that sushi place which has got the conveyor sushi if you go to young sushi and you sit on the conveyor bed technically you don't need a license don't sit on one of the coloured plates you will be selected

um i was looking at other ways that museums need to preserve their artefacts and one is from fires serious problem and it's a really difficult choice for museums because the main way to get rid of fires is with sprinkler sprinkler systems but obviously if you sprinkle a whole art gallery then you sort of ruin the paintings that way But so a lot of museums kind of don't do it.

And that was a serious problem in Brazil.

You might remember a couple of years ago when the main museum in Brazil destroyed 90% of its collection because of a fire and they just didn't have the adequate protection.

But there is one place, the Getty Museum in LA, which has such cool fireproof systems.

So they have, like, they had the big wildfires last year, and they were pretty much licking at the sides of the museum.

And the curators were completely chilled out about it because it's so well protected.

So, it's full of like Rembrandts and Mayonnaise.

But they, first of all, they have a system where the oxygen can get sucked out of the rooms so that as soon as a fire got in there, it wouldn't be able to breathe.

And so it would just immediately go out.

So, it's like an anti-ventilation system.

Cool.

And then they also have around the museum a million-gallon water tank.

And so, as soon as a fire starts coming close, they just start releasing water into the ground all around the museum like a moat.

It's great.

And so, firefighters who are fighting the wildfires use the museum as like a rest area and a vantage point to look around at the rest of la and go ah well i guess i guess the art's okay wow really clever really that's amazingly clever uh well just speaking of water um there was a museum in spain which is the museum of underwater archaeology which is called aqua uh and they've had a real problem with leaks this year

Now, hang on.

Honestly, they get all of their stuff is stuff that's been found underwater, like statues which are sunk or with shipwrecks or anything that's come from the bottom of the ocean.

And they have hundreds of thousands of things in there, but they also have leaks in the basement and a lot of damp causing problems with the wall.

And they're really worried about it.

And they reckon that it's going to wreck all of the things which have been underwater for thousands, hundreds of years.

No.

Have you guys heard of At Nuclear Trains, a Twitter account?

No.

This is a really cool one.

So it's a Twitter bot

and it's made by two scientists who are called Matt Allenson and Keir Little.

And what it does is it tracks trains which are carrying nuclear waste across the UK.

So these trains go, you know,

they existed actually.

Sorry.

I didn't know there were trains that had nuclear waste.

Well, right.

They're yet to tweet.

No, no, no.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's not, it's not common knowledge, but they sort of, they have, you have to transport radioactive containers and trains are not a bad way of doing it they're very tightly sealed um

and these guys they're not pro or anti-nuclear they they genuinely are just in it for the trains as they say um and they have clarified that the radiation you would get because sometimes these pass along platforms you know they go through Brixton or whatever, quite near passengers.

But they've said that the radiation you would get if you were on the platform and one of these trains went by will be like you'd just eaten one banana.

Isn't that amazing that everyone on the platform has just eaten the equivalent of one banana.

But would you feel it?

Would you feel full?

You don't

everyone slips over on the platform.

Yeah.

No, they don't emit bananas.

They just get that much radiation.

That's exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interesting.

But that's quite dangerous because if you're such a banana lover that you're constantly operating on the banana eating cusp of getting radiation poisoning and you manage it very carefully, you know, you're eating 350 bananas a day and you know 351 would tip you over the edge.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

What happens then, Andy, if a train full of bananas passes by?

What is the radiation level in that at that speed?

That kills you immediately.

They have to transport bananas one by one, don't they?

That's why they're so expensive once they get to the shops.

Do you know that this is one of my favourite, totally random facts?

But you know, Penny Mordaunt, who was defense very briefly, actually defense secretary last year,

and before that was international development secretary, you know, she's she's named after a Royal Navy frigate.

Wow,

she's named after HMS Penelope.

That's so funny, isn't that weird?

That's really good, a giant frigate.

It's nick's because she's from an army family, and actually, it was known as HMS Pepperpot because it was shelled so many, so many times in World War II.

So, she could easily be Pepperpot modern.

Didn't she do that dive?

Just that Ireland's wife?

Pepper Potts is Iron Man's girlfriend.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, maybe that's why they didn't go with Pepper Pott.

They didn't want her to be confused.

Why is she called Pepper Potts?

It's a weird name.

It's because she comes from a comic book, like all these characters, and

they often have quite funny names and illiterate names, don't they?

Yeah, good point.

I read about one plane crash or,

you know, emergency landing in 2013.

This guy called John Pederson, and he realized that his plane had had a little bit of damage and he wasn't going to make it all the way to the nearest airports.

This was in around Chicago.

And so he saw a long road and he thought, well, you know, that's probably the best way to go.

I'm going to try and stop on this road.

But obviously, there's traffic on this road, so he doesn't want to hit any.

And what he managed to do was exactly time it so that when the lights went red and everyone stopped, that's when he landed in the middle of this intersection.

Isn't that amazing?

Wow, that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

And I was reading this article about it in the Chicago newspaper and they said that he landed and didn't hit anyone and he was in the middle of this intersection and then the lights changed and two cars just went, didn't notice him and crashed into him.

What?

And then just apparently it says and then mysteriously sped off.

So they

kind of drove, hit this plane and then thought, oh shit, I've just hit a plane and they just did a hit and run on this.

That's the scene of the accident.

Oh, I can't be bothered to fill the form in on this one.

Yeah, no one's going to believe that, are are they?

I'm never going to get this sort of claim.

This claim just pulled out in front of me.

People always think that pneumatic technology is going to be the next big thing.

I think there was a lot of excitement in the US about 40 years ago that it was going to be how we all disposed of our rubbish.

And so Disneyland, I think, was a pioneer of this, right?

So their entire garbage disposal system is fully pneumatic.

So if you're in Disneyland, you put something in a bin and then it drops down into a tunnel system.

And every 20 minutes, it just gets sucked about 60 miles an hour to a collection point.

There are a lot of theme park nerds who are about to get angry at you because it's the magic kingdom at Walt Disney World in Florida, not Disneyland.

I guarantee you're going to get it.

Thank you for that correction.

I got to do a behind-the-scenes tour there once, so I actually got to see some of the tunnels that those go through.

And you're just kind of walking through the backstage tunnels, and there's just this tube next to you where every 20 minutes or so you just hear this so do you do you have to sort of dive out the way every 20 minutes

it's just it's just a tube on a wall

it's not like a transparent how big is the tube can you fit a human in it it's 20 inches diameter i think

can you fit a mouse in it

20 inches okay so yeah that's pretty big yeah i reckon yeah i i've been to disneyland and disney world as well and the rides i don't really like them as much i prefer the universal ones the rides but if there was a garbage chute

thing, then I would be definitely going for it.

You could sell t-shirts saying, why don't you get sucked off at Disneyland?

Hey!

Like the rubbish through our pneumatic tube system.

I will argue with you for like half an hour that Universal's rides are terrible compared to Disney's, but we do not have the time for that.

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Have you heard of Jebediah Buxton?

No, I don't think so.

My favorite

plaque

in the UK lived in Derbyshire.

The label is mental calculator.

So Jebediah Buxton lived in the early 18th century.

We think he was an autistic savant, you know, people who could do unbelievable calculations in their head.

So, Jebediah Buxton was once asked after a church sermon, what did you think of the sermon?

And he said, Oh, I just counted how many words there were in Ed.

He just gave the word count.

That's so good.

I know.

He was completely self-taught, not formally trained at all, and didn't know much about anything except numbers, but knew everything about numbers.

So he walked around the local area, which is called Elmton, which is about a thousand acres, and he could give it size not only in acres, but also in square inches wow he was amazing that sounds sorry I have no idea what you just said because I was trying to count the number of words you were saying

not as great as it sounds is it it really isn't it really is not uh if you get a seal and you blindfold it and you give it a pair of earmuffs then it can't find fish

I'm not surprised yeah yeah I'm not surprised at all actually sorry I've misread this they can find fish oh if you blindfold them and give them your muffs.

Okay, that's gone from being an incredibly underwhelming fact to being quite interesting.

And it's because they use their whiskers, right?

And the whiskers can tell the movements in the water.

And this is amazing.

So when fish swim, we've talked before that they have like lots of eddies and vortices and stuff like that, which they leave in the water.

The seals' whiskers can detect these tiny little vortices in a fish that swam past 30 seconds ago.

So it swam past 30 seconds ago, and it can still feel where it was and then it can still follow the

track of the fish to get that, even if it's wearing ear muffs.

Oh, wow.

That is amazing.

Can it tell sort of the time that's passed rather than up to 30?

Like, can they be like, oh, 15 seconds ahead?

Because they can tell the strength of the...

Wait, they can't tell the future.

Not the future.

What I'm saying is they could count up to 30, but when they feel it, let's say it's a wake that comes past them 15 seconds after it's been there.

Can they know it's 15 seconds?

I don't know if they can count up to 30.

I don't know if they know it's exactly 30, but I think they will have a basic idea of time and will know that the and know that the vortices will be stronger if it has gone more recently past.

I mean, it's like smelling something.

You know, you feel it getting stronger as you get closer, don't you?

Yeah, you don't, when you're trying to find something in your house where the smell's coming from, you're not counting the, you know, your nose isn't saying that's exactly five meters away, but you can tell that it's closer or further.

you guys don't do that

i think if you want to sue anyone you should sue the makers of sherlock holmes baffled have you guys seen that movie no it's yes it's from 1900 it's the first ever movie with sherlock holmes in it and it's an american silent film and basically it's very much against the canon of sherlock holmes because what happens is people keep kind of stealing things from under his nose and then using trick photography they just disappear and then you just get a picture of Sherlock Holmes going, oh, what happened there?

Why did they disappear?

And then they reappear in another part of the room and then they steal something else and then disappear again.

And it goes on like that for a couple of minutes.

And I just don't think that that's really, I mean, first of all, he doesn't solve anything.

He just stands there looking baffled.

Yeah, he's baffled.

Yeah.

Well, that was made in 1900, I believe, right?

Is that right, James?

So there's another one, which I'd love to see, 1916 the mystery of the leaping fish and this was a movie where sherlock holmes was sort of lampooed by douglas fairbanks douglas fairbanks uh jr who was one of hollywood's leading actors at the time he was a swashbuckling adventurer and he along with charlie chaplin they set it up they set up ua united artists and he was a huge influence in hollywood back in the day and he played basically the druggie version of sherlock holmes really bringing up that side of his character So the way that in the movie he was presented, he wasn't called Sherlock Holmes.

He was called Coke Any Day, E-N-N-Y-D-A-Y as his surname.

And he had a bandolier of syringes that he wore across his chest.

So he was constantly injecting himself as the movie went along with cocaine.

Yeah.

He had a clock with the clock face that says eats, drinks, sleeps, and dope instead of the numbers.

So he would know when to inject himself.

And the the idea was that Coke Any Days was trying to find all of these drug barons, and once he caught them, he would sample all the drugs that they had as he was busting them.

And Fairbanks hated the movie after it came out, it was only a two-reeler, and he just said, This is horrific.

But that's one of the earliest Sherlock Holmes movies as well.

Amazing.

That's a parody.

1916.

1916, yeah.

Wow.

But that, Dan, that was the first year as the first full-length Sherlock Holmes film.

But this was a bit more serious because he was

because it wasn't a mad cocaine Rob, it was

played by William Gillette, who was a distant cousin of the Gillette Razor family.

Yeah,

exactly, yeah.

And William Gillette was a really interesting guy, so he only played Sherlock Holmes in one movie, but

that was after he'd played him on stage about 1,300 times.

He'd come up with a stage version of it, and yeah, and he and Arthur Condor were actually friends.

They, I think, I mean, Arthur Conan Doyle was probably pleased because he managed to work out a way of doing the character well on stage.

And it was, you know, respectful and all of this, but also entertaining.

And when they met, I really like this.

Willie and Gillette, they were meeting, I think, on the same train.

And Gillette got off the train, dressed as Holmes.

And then he found Arthur Conan Doyle.

and he examined him through a magnifying glass.

And that was, from that point onwards, they were firm friends.

Conan Doyle loved it.

Yeah, that's it's a risky move, isn't it?

Because it really is.

Yeah, he might think you were taking the piss a little bit.

But we also, we had um, temperance bars in Britain, which were super popular around the end of the 19th century, again, with this big push to stop people drinking.

And apparently, for every little mill town, there would be at least three temperance bars, which is essentially like a

cafe, like a milk bar.

It's a cafe.

I think there might still, there used to be, not that long ago, there was definitely one in Lancashire and there were that much.

Well, there's one left now, and it's Fitzpatrick's in Lancashire.

You're absolutely right.

And the owner of Fitzpatrick's in 2012, he'd just been on Hairy Bikers actually and talking about the great stuff about non-alcoholic drinks like Dandelion Burdock and how great abstinence is and how popular the bar still was.

And then he was done for drink driving.

Have you guys heard of the nuclear bomb that was dropped on the Greggs?

Well, I don't know, but I can understand that.

Okay.

Gregg's cycles.

Greg's.

Well, no, I've tricked you with my words.

This is the story of the only nuclear bomb that has ever been dropped on American soil by an American plane.

Okay.

And it fell on a family who were called the Greggs.

They lived in South Carolina.

Parents, three kids, their cousin.

Everyone was...

playing.

The kids were playing in the yard next door to the garden, right?

Perfectly normal afternoon.

High above them in in the sky, there's a plane which is doing a training exercise with a real nuclear bomb where they have to transport it across the country.

So training exercise, there had been some kind of mess up with getting it sort of locked into its

sort of

hangar thing.

You know, it's hanging there above the bombay doors.

So the captain sends a crew member to adjust the...

the locking mechanism.

The crew member

can't quite get a handle.

These are huge bombs.

It looks like a, you know, it looks like like a whale.

It weighs about three tons.

The crew member climbs slightly up the side of the bomb and reaches up to grab something to get a handhold.

Unfortunately, what he grabs is the emergency bomb release mechanism.

Right.

And then does he fly down on it like in Doctor Strangelove?

So

exactly, well, the bomb falls onto the bomb bay doors, right, which crumple like paper.

The crew member makes an X shape with his body and just about stays inside the plane.

Okay.

The bomb is now falling towards the completely unaware Greg family house.

It lands in their garden.

It makes a crater 15 meters across and 10 meters deep.

No one is killed.

The family are all injured, but they, they, you know, they became superheroes.

No.

They become superheroes.

The family's chickens, unfortunately, were vaporized.

But thank God the bomb did not go fully nuclear.

It kind of had the safety catch on.

But then, amazingly, they stayed, the crew were so apologetic.

They were so mortified they'd done this.

And they wrote to the family apologizing, and they stayed in touch for years with the crew, this family, the Graves.

Even to the extent that one of them visited the family for a week's holiday many years later.

Wow.

That's so nice.

That's incredible.

That must have been an embarrassing moment because I used to get embarrassed enough.

You know, when you had to knock on your neighbor's door and say, I'm really sorry, I've kicked my football into your garden.

I am so sorry.

I have dropped my nuclear bomb in your backyard.

In the Vietnam War, I don't think we've ever mentioned Operation Wandering Soul, have we?

Which was one of the tactics that the US used against Vietnamese soldiers, which was to play ghost noises incredibly loudly out of helicopters and from US soldiers sort of hidden in Vietnam.

They'd have these big boom boxes and play ghost noises.

That doesn't scare.

It looks like it would work because helicopters are extremely loud.

And it's not like you're going to, they're not like they can sneak up on you and then play this noise.

You're gonna be the first thing is you hear the helicopter.

And you're gonna go, why are ghosts driving helicopters now?

This doesn't make any sense.

You're so right.

The idea was that in Vietnam, the belief is that if you don't get a proper burial, then your soul wanders the earth.

And so they actually recorded South Vietnamese people.

They recruited South Vietnamese people to record themselves shrieking and screaming and saying, my friends, I have come back to let you know that I am dead.

I'm dead.

Don't end up like me.

Go home quickly.

Wow.

Really?

Crazy.

And the Vietnamese soldiers mainly didn't believe them.

And all it did was give them a target to return fire to.

So

that would still scare me.

I have to say, if the four of us were out, you know, in a jungle and we were scared and a boombox had a voice of saying, Alex Bell saying, oh, don't come over here.

I'm dead.

I get scared by that.

Why are we in the jungle then?

I mean, how badly wrong has our tour gone?

That we're

on foot in Vietnamese jungle and why

yeah and why does it take a boom box and a helicopter and the jungle for you to pay any attention to Alex Bell

Alex if you're listening here's how you get us to actually upload the podcast correctly

when you say there are all these museums around Iceland some of them do sound I would say of limited interest so There's a museum, there's an island called Haimei, Haime,

and there's a collector on there whose collection museum, whatever you like, it's a lifetime of paper napkins, which are organized by theme into binders.

And suppose we were online, her sofa is covered in binders full of paper napkins.

I just, does anybody else feel an overwhelming sense of sadness?

Well, there's napkins there to wipe your tears away, Sandy.

Yeah, that's so true.

Place to have a cry.

They have a museum of sea monsters.

But the way that they've done that is they have the stories of sea monsters, like any museum might do.

But the founders, they phoned every single care home in Iceland and they asked for all of the elderly residents, do you know any stories about sea monsters that have happened in your history or have you heard any stories?

And they collected all of those and they're all the stories that are in the museum, which I think is a really good way of finding social history, isn't it?

Yeah, so wonderful.

But that's the origin of

Grimm's fairy tales in the first place, isn't it?

The Grimm brothers didn't write them.

They went round and collected them

from mostly from women.

Yeah, there was a woman, I think she was called Daughter Wilder, who

gave lots of the stories, but they went around and particularly older women asked them for the stories that they remembered.

I mean, really, we ought to be doing more of that.

I think that that kind of gathering of stories is a wonderful thing.

So good for them.

That's great.

Yeah, it sounds wonderful.

It sounds like an incredible filing system, but done as an entire country where they're all dedicated to filing one aspect of social history.

Like,

it's just, yeah, it's incredible.

With the Grimm brothers, I read a story, which I really hope is true.

I always keep meaning to look it up, which is when they were gathering the stories, one of the brothers was trying to get a great story off a sailor or some guy who knew a bunch.

And

he said, what can I give you to give me your story?

And the sailor needed new trousers.

So the Grimm brother gave his trousers on the spot to this guy to wear and then gave him his story.

And he took it down, sort of, you know, trouserless as

he was taking it.

Just love, I love that kind of, I need your story.

What do you need?

My trousers, fine, go for it.

Wait, did the guy...

Did the guy who was talking to not have any trousers on?

No, he probably was.

Was he approaching a trouserless man and saying, tell me your story?

I think a trouserless sailor.

There's another story there.

Yeah.

Wait, was it the story of Winnie the Pooh?

I'm actually in Berlin.

There was a a traffic jam this year that was in the news which was this is in February and this was created by one German artist calls himself an artist called Simon Weckert

who created a traffic jam by just pulling a hand cart so he was on foot and pulling a hand cart behind him carrying 99 phones So how Google Maps works is when it's giving you traffic updates, it assesses all the number of phones in a certain area and then assumes that those are lots of people in cars and then assumes that that means there's a huge traffic jam.

So, Google assumed a massive traffic jam on this one bridge, and it redirected traffic around it.

And this guy was just him on his own, walking through the center of Berlin.

He actually walked past Google's offices just to do a sort of middle finger up to them, I guess.

It's freaky for the guys at Google.

It was like, oh my God, the traffic jam, it's coming this way.

It's an invisible one.

They're the worst.

That's hilarious.

They claim to be supportive.

A Google spokesperson said, whether via car or cart or camel, we love seeing creative uses of Google Maps as it helps us make our work better.

Oh, yeah.

It doesn't sound like they are really like that.

And now that guy has been killed.

He's been disappeared.

Won't find him on Google Maps anymore.

One thing that's quite similar, which is about modern technology and slightly hacking it, is the old Teslas.

um which would drive you could set them to drive just underneath the speed limit wherever you were um They would read the traffic signs.

And so researchers at McAfee realized that if you got a 35 mile per hour traffic sign and you got some black sticky tape and turned the three into an eight, then your Tesla would drive at 85 miles an hour in McAron.

Wow.

Amazing.

These are the old Teslas and the new ones don't do that anymore.

I think possibly thanks to this little bit of work by McAfee.

But just, I mean, especially as the 35 mile an hour traffic signs are usually in places that need people to slow down.

It's, yeah,

yeah, and that's why we're still in the trialing stage, really, of the driverless cars, isn't it?

Like one smear on a speed sign and everyone dies.

Have we ever talked about just that reminds me of the tree of Teneray, which is in, or was in, I think, Liberia, but somewhere up there.

And it was the most isolated tree in the world.

And there was no tree anywhere for like, I don't know, 100 miles in any direction.

And then it got knocked over by a Libyan truck driver.

I do really.

Literally, there's nothing else to, and he just decided, I'm just going to drive straight into that by accident.

That must have been like the scene in Austin Powers where the guy's about to be run over by the steamroller and he's shouting no from about 20 meters away, very, very slowly.

Do you think the guy, the truck driver was similarly?

I can't see anything else.

I think that's a really unfair analogy because in Austin Powers, the idiot is the person who's about to be run over.

So that implies you're blaming the tree.

And the tree's gone to extreme lengths to escape traffic collisions.

It's so socially distanced, that tree.

It really is.

I think what it is, is there's something about people when they're driving.

If there's a massive area with nothing there at all, but there's one thing, then for some reason you just kind of get drawn towards it.

Like your brain just can't.

avoid it.

There is a thing called target fixation, isn't there, where someone is so focused on avoiding a thing that they keep looking at the thing and aiming towards it accidentally.

The conversational equivalent is that thing which is in the meaning of lift, where there's something you're trying to avoid talking about, and so you can never avoid talking about it.

And I think the example that's given in that book is if you're talking to someone with one leg and you find your conversation is liberally peppered with references to Long John Silver or the last leg of the UEFA competition.

It reminds me of

Michael Windsor, who is now Basil Brush's PA.

Jenny, you're always name-dropping because you're friends with Basil Brush, aren't you?

That's why I'm not.

I am friends with Basil Brush.

So the way he got the job was he rang up Basil Bush's creator's son as Basil Brush and auditioned for him during the, he just, just was in character the whole time, did the voice perfectly, got his mannerisms, and he got the job on a phone call, which is an absolutely bold move because you've got the potential to really upset somebody who literally this guy sees Basil Bush as his brother.

That's how

Peter Sellers as well got his first job.

Peter Sellers of Inspector Cluso fame and The Goon Show and so on.

He was getting nowhere and he was an impressionist and he called up the BBC and he did an impression of the head of the BBC at the time saying to the person who's the producer picking up going, have you got this Peter Sellers?

Not in an American accent.

Where's Peter Sellers?

Where's this Peter Sellers guy?

This kid's hot, I hear.

You gotta get him.

You gotta get him now.

So yeah, so he imitated it and the guy went, oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, yeah, we'll book him.

And Peter Sellers later admitted that was actually me, but the guy was so impressed.

That's hilarious.

That's actually how Rory Bremner still keeps getting jobs.

You can do a very good impression of the director general of the BBC.

That's not fair.

Rory Bremner's great.

I don't know why I said that.

Do you know Vanilla Rice's real name?

Oh, I feel like I should.

Oh, gosh, I can't remember.

He's called Rob Van Winkle.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, apparently.

Why on earth would you change that?

I know.

I mean, that's a fantastic name.

And also, wait a minute, it scans perfectly, doesn't it?

Rip Van Winkle.

He wouldn't know how to do Ice Ice Baby.

He's got...

You're absolutely right.

He was called vanilla because he was the only one in his friendship group who was white.

And he got called that.

And then he had a dance move called The Ice.

Yeah.

Right.

I didn't know he was white.

I didn't know anything about him.

You're kidding me.

He almost played London, I think, in 2019 or 20, possibly, yeah, 2018 or 2019 on ice.

It's going to be his first vanilla ice on ice concert.

Yeah.

Well, and he sings a song where the lyrics are ice, ice, baby.

This guy has an obsession.

He's got a problem.

It's an issue.

Actually, like, Crowley has something in common with Rex Lambert, founding editor of BBC's List of the magazine.

Is it that they were both insane?

I suppose so.

Actually, you'll get sued for that.

And this is about being sued as well.

So Alistair Crowley tried to sue a writer called Nina Hamnett for libel because she called him a black magician.

She said he was into black magic.

And he said that this wasn't true.

And he tried to sue her and he lost and he was declared bankrupt.

And then towards the end, basically he became a big drug addict because he'd taken a lot of drugs before and then he became a real drug addict and he died quite young.

But I was reading about Nina Hamnett and according to Wikipedia, she was a Welsh artist and writer who was an expert on sailors' shanties and became known as the Queen of Bohemia.

She sounds incredible, isn't she?

She was basically like one of the main people in Soho around the 1930s who kind of knew absolutely everyone.

She had an incredible bohemian life.

But actually, when she sued Crowley, it became such big news that it really kind of wrecked her life.

And she became a bit of an alcoholic just walking around taverns in Fitzrovia, trading anecdotes for drinks.

Sad.

If you take on black magic, it always wins.

Yeah.

I was amazed about other people's connections to the occult around this time and people who I thought were just legit humans.

So the way Crowley first got into this whole world was I think he joined an order which is called the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn.

And another leading figure in that was Yates,

which as in WB Yeats.

And he was actually him and his partner, Maud Gawne, famously his sort of muse, and also E.E.

Nesbitt, who wrote The Samyard, if anyone's read that.

Anyway, Yates.

Like Five Children and It.

Yeah, exactly.

Wow.

It sort of makes sense when you think about it.

You can imagine someone who was into weirdo magic writing that.

But Yates was a chapter leader for this order, and Crowley didn't like him.

And there was this big rivalry going on about who should be ruling this chapel, Crowley or Yates.

And eventually, Crowley invaded his chapel mid-sermon.

He launched what he called an astral siege on the chapel, which involved kicking the doors down and he was wearing a kilt for some reason and an Osiris mask as inspired by Egyptian mythology and he started casting spells and waving daggers around and the police had to come and break it up wow and they fell out the big story of that it's called the battle of Blythe Road and the story is that he came through and he started propelling black magic at Yates and the others as he was coming up the stairs Yates was using white magic and the white magic toppled him over down the stairs now that's what they say, but when you read into it, what it actually was is he was coming up the stairs and Yates and his buddy, who was a boxer, was kicking him back down the stairs.

Is that what white magic is?

White magic is some big guy kicking you down the stairs.

Yeah, exactly.

He's one of the gladiators.

This is white magic.

But this

order, the idea was they wanted to discover a unified theory that explained the magical world so that they could bring endless possibilities to magicians.

That was why they were set up.

And that's why Yates joined.

He wanted to use it for good.

And so he joined Crowley and he had a mentor there.

And the name of his mentor, Alan Bennett.

Wow.

Yeah, how cool.

I mean, it's not actual Alan Bennett, obviously.

I was summoning a demon yesterday.

That's how it would go.

This year has had an exciting new naval battle, which is great because, you know, not as many...

classic naval encounters as that.

Yeah, definitely.

I don't want to get old Jeremy Carbon on your ass, but

I promise this is a good one because this is the first naval battle of the Caribbean for 75 years.

And it's between Venezuela, a Venezuelan naval patrol vessel, which was doing the rounds,

defending the motherland and so on.

And it had guns, anti-aircraft guns, machine guns mounted on the deck, lots of stuff.

On the other side was a Portuguese cruise ship,

which included an 80-seat theater, a sauna, and a jacuzzi.

Okay.

The Venezuelan patrol vessels, it said, you're being very territorially aggressive.

Basically, they were chancing around a bit.

They approached, they ordered it to come into port in Venezuela and, you know, surrender and all of this.

They then opened fire and then they rammed the ship.

Okay, they rammed the cruise ship.

But unfortunately, they didn't realize that the cruise ship in question, the Resolute, was built for polar cruising and it had a one-meter-thick hull.

The Venezuelan.

naval patrol vessel crumpled basically like a tin can.

44 sailors had to be rescued.

Unbelievably embarrassing.

wow yeah

that must have that must have really livened up that cruise ship cruise for the people on board

and if you look out on your left you'll see the venezuelan navy and venezuela is now owned by thomas cook is that right that's right yeah

amazing

you know that there's a lot of art that just sits out at sea on private yachts that often are worth sort of two to three times the value of the yacht itself.

They're such valuable pieces of art.

So, for example, Joe Lewis has a 200 million pound super yacht.

He is the majority stakeholder of Tottenham Hotspurs, the football club.

He's a billionaire in the UK.

And he has a yacht, and that moored.

And when it moored, people could see through the window and they saw hanging inside one of the rooms a Francis Bacon painting that sold anonymously at Christie's for £26 million.

And so, there's courses you can take now to train people for the practical care of onboard art collection because everyone on board doesn't know how to look after these, you know, sort of priceless pieces of art.

And they keep getting damaged when they're out at sea.

And, you know, someone will pour, someone will pop a champagne bottle and a cork might hit a priceless piece of art.

Or in some cases, there was one guy, Jean-Michel Basquier, who's an artist, who has little bits of cornflakes that are hanging off the paintings.

And they were very worried that they were going to be ripped off, thinking that maybe the kids on board had spilt their cornflakes onto the painting itself um so you sort of you can't spill corn flakes onto a painting that's hanging vertically on board i don't know dad dad you've got kids how how far does the food fly when it gets spilled

exactly you very much can you absolutely can

but that the ceiling fresco at the vatican is just full of cocoa pops isn't it yeah i think if you're putting cereal on your paintings then you shouldn't have an automatic right that it's taken seriously.

Yeah.

Well, apparently in this case, it was a mistake.

He was eating cornflakes, looking at his painting as it was laying on the floor, and it fell on it and it became part of the art, is what they say in this article.

But then one of the more famous ones is that some millionaire or billionaire owners came back onto their yacht and they'd been told that the captain had unwrapped a piece of art that had arrived for them onto the yacht and had hung the painting on the wall.

And this was a horrific moment to hear it because the piece of art that they'd unwrapped was a bit of art done by Christo and Jean-Claude.

And their way of doing art is they wrap things up.

So they just wrap stuff up.

And so effectively, the captain had taken the actual art off, put it into a room with all the hot pipes, and then hung up this painting on the wall.

And you might know some of their work.

They did the Reichstag in Berlin.

They wrapped the entire, that's what they do.

They just go around wrapping things.

So, yeah, so there's courses now for teaching you how to look after art on the high seas.

Very good.

So funny.

God.

A bit after that, there was a famous dog he was called dom the talking dog

uh and he was called the canine phenomenon phenomenon of the century uh he debuted in 1912 and he had a vocabulary that reached eight words um what words were they please don't say rough and rude

back

i think it was a bit like that they were all in german first of all um he could say

he could say haben he could say kuchen

he could which means cake, and the first one means have.

He could say, he could kind of say Jah and nine, and he could say rucher.

Oh, come on,

I need a recording of this, or I will not believe it.

Well, he was really saying, he was absolutely massive.

He was like, he was, when he came over to America, so he was big in Germany, obviously, like you're going to be big in Germany if you speak German.

But when he came over to America, there was a lot of kind of German expats there, and they were really excited.

And so they met him on the coming off the ship a load of reporters and asked him for a quote which his owner said he was too seasick to give a quote when he arrived but he was very impressed by New York but whenever he went on stage he would kind of answer a series of questions presumably the answers were always haben or hoohen or something like that but the point was that he would make noises that sound a bit like it but according to the journal science someone did an actual paper on it they said that really he's he's only just making noises, and it's the people in the audience that are interpreting it as words.

They sound a bit like words, but obviously, he doesn't really know what he's doing.

And it helps that the German language sounds quite a lot more like a dog barking than sort of the Spanish language.

I mean, you wouldn't get away with a big romantic language and a dog trying to impersonate that.

You're absolutely right.

When I don't understand a question, or I can't quite

determine what the person said, I give an answer that is indeterminate as well.

So it could be

sort of a mixture of yes and no, or I'm not sure.

So, you know, because I don't know what the person said, but I still want to respond because they're staring at me.

So I'll often say something like, I'm

and they and they go, you sure?

And I'll go, huh?

And so that's just a little hint there for some people.

You might want to, it's a little skill you can have.

Let's do a sort of a halfway noise.

In Russian, you can say yes, no.

Yes, no, which means no.

Daniet means no.

Right.

Well, in New Zealand, we have a term called oh, yeah, nah.

Oh, yeah.

Probably heard of this one.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So when people say, you're going to the beach, oh, yeah, nah.

And you.

What does that mean?

Does that mean yes or no?

Well, it means you might, but you just see how you go.

Oh, okay.

And they might say to you, oh, are you into it?

Have you seen this thing?

Are you into it?

Oh, yeah, nah.

You know, you could be, but you don't want to give it away.

so it's it's a wonderful response because and then you can't you can't actually respond again to that by law in new zealand so if you've received an oh yeah nah you can't go look which is it because then you're just you're shunned i suppose you could just you could just say maybe i guess is a similar word No, because then you're really giving it away that you're not sure.

Okay, yeah.

All right.

It's not sure.

Oh, yeah, nah, is

the full spectrum.

Okay.

Very non-committal country.

An entire country that's terrified of commitment.

That's actually an option.

That's actually an option on the upcoming election ballot, isn't it?

It is.

Yep.

Yes, no, or oh yeah, nah.

Now, even though it ends on nah,

the year part has got to be strong.

Oh, yeah, nah.

Oh, really?

That's the way you say it.

Well, yeah, there's different ways of saying it.

So I would have assumed it meant no in the end.

The one you end on seems to be the dominant.

Ask me whether it does.

Oh, does it just mean no?

Right, great.

Shall we get back to talking dogs?

The breath actually can be a problem in some places, like the Edvard Monk Museum in Norway.

They say that the scream is fading.

The scream, which is his most famous work, is fading because of people's breath.

And that's because he used very cheap, low-quality paint.

He used cadmium sulfide paint, Monk, when he did his painting.

And it means that when you breathe on it, it kind of gets worse and worse and worse and they're trying to stop people from breathing and that means they should they should replace it with the screen

yeah yeah the screen scream in front of the screen yeah

very nice

yeah sorry it was too good that i didn't buy one of those ones i was afraid to breathe in front of it in case in case the joke faded too fast yeah well

should we um we can stop there actually sure we can yeah let's do that

I load the stuff on that.

That was a great one.

No, no, it's fine.

I was only going to talk about taser tampons.

Let's talk about taser tampons quickly.

Yeah, and then we can move on after that.

I refuse to press stop.

So some modern self-defense gadgets.

Obviously, it's still a bit of a growth area, even though...

a lot of these things get released and they're not legal to carry.

So there is a killer engagement ring with a particularly sharp cut diamond, An unbreakable umbrella, which whacks just as strong as a steel pipe, but weighs only one pound and 11 ounces.

But I think my favourite is the pink stinger, which is a stun gun made to look like a tampon.

It can deliver a 50,000 volt shock and can be used handheld or shot out to distances up to 14 feet.

So

that's a heck of a tampon.

I think I've seen that done in Thailand, actually.

Do you mean Andy?

So, no, but you don't wear it as a tampon before you fire it at your assailant.

No, no,

it's to be hidden within your handbag, and nobody would know.

Not presumably among your other tampons.

Yeah, you don't get the wrong one.

You don't want to accidentally get the wrong one, do you?

Yeah.

Although, if you've got enemies and they ask for a tampon in the bathroom, that's a hell of a prank.

Prank.

50,000-volt prank.

Prank goes wrong.

Man doesn't understand what a prank prank is.

Lovely.

Wow, that's extraordinary.

Those are all on the market.

We can.

Yeah, they're available somewhere, and I cannot guarantee that they are legal

in the territory in which you're currently listening.

So please don't waste your money.

I've got one last thing, which is I like the idea of the name Center for North Dakota.

So I just quickly looked into other names of North Dakota to see if there's any fun names.

And I found there's a place called Flasher, which is great in North Dakota.

Place called Zap.

And Zap kind of, the only major thing I could find that happened there was in 1969, there was a movement called Zip to Zap, where the mayor of Zap suddenly found two to 3,000 partiers.

tearing up the streets and setting bonfires in the middle of them to have this big party and they had to get the National Guard in to push them out.

Why was that called Zip to Zap?

I thought you were going to say the mayor zipwired into Zap, which sounded really fun.

no i think it was just a group of people that let's zip over to zap and have a massive party is the uh i believe and then lastly a place called buttsville which is a cool name b-u-t-t-z-v-i-l-l-z buttsville oh that is weird there's a lot of butts in um in that part of the world isn't there because um butts like means uh it's like a raised bit of land or something so there's isn't that b-u-t-t-e yeah so in montana and wyoming and dakotas there's loads of butts You're not going to believe this.

In South Dakota, there is a place which was the original center of North America, which was done by drawing two lines, and it is called Snake Butt.

Really?

Yeah, and they put an obelisk on it

and they named it the approximate center of North America.

And then in 1930, they changed their minds and decided it was in rugby, North Dakota.

But it was Snake Butt.

A confusing name because it's actually really hard to work out where a snake's butt is.

It really is.

Do you know what?

I was having a look, I was going looking through some old books, and

maybe this is just me having sort of locked down brain, but I suddenly had a look at one of the Pooh, and I hadn't realised quite how philosophical it is.

So there's a wonderful bit where Piglet and Pooh are sitting underneath a big tree, and Piglet says, What if this big tree falls down?

And Pooh says, What if it doesn't?

And I just thought, that's a great attitude to life, isn't it?

Instead of catastrophising and thinking, what if this terrible thing happens?

I like that attitude.

Or am I being ridiculous and reading much into it?

I have to say, it sounds like Pooh is praying for an end to the pain there.

It sounds like he's taken Piglet there on the assumption the tree will fall on them both.

No, but I really like that.

Why are we always worrying about the bad thing that's going to happen?

What if it doesn't and we just sit here happily and not worry about bad things happening to us?