136: No Such Thing As A Wolf Diving For Clams

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Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast coming to you from the QI offices in Coverant Garden.

My name is Anne Tozzinski.

I am here with Andrew Hunter Murray and this week we are joined by two great pillars of QI, the producer of QI, Piers Fletcher, and one of QI's longest serving, been there for a million years, researchers and historian Justin Pollard.

And once again, we've gathered around the microphones with our our four favourite facts from the last seven days and in no particular order here we go, starting with you, Justin.

Okay, so the first person recorded ever buying a pornographic book in England was Samuel Pepys.

So how was he recorded?

Typically, idiotically, he managed to record it himself.

Because you know, Pepys wrote this sort of 10-year diary, which is great because he records the Great Fire of London and the plague and all sorts of big events.

But the main use of it is he records the the details of his everyday life and he wrote in his diary that he'd seen the idle roguish book Les Choles de Fille which I have bought in plain binding

and he takes it home and he reads it but then he promises himself in his diary which is written in shorthand so nobody else can read it that as soon as I've read it I will burn it which as far as we know he did there's only one copy left of this book in the world wow so he burnt it in order to save himself the embarrassment of having it found among his collection but then he recorded the fact that he'd read it in his diary.

Yeah, he failed to clear his browser history.

When he bought it, he wrote in his diary, well I was thinking about getting it because it's in French.

Maybe it would be a good translation tool for my wife.

And then I think he saw what was in it and thought, maybe not.

Yeah, but the great thing is that he found it and then he went away for a month nearly.

It's obviously been preying on his mind.

He kept going,

hmm, I might just go down the strand today.

And then eventually, oh, look, there's that bookshop again.

And he went in and then he's apparently stayed there and he he hung about in the bookshop for an hour before actually buying it.

In a plane binding.

Yeah, exactly.

So sorry, just was the plain binding in the same way as adults read Harry Potter with a different binding?

Was that to conceal?

Exactly, just so that, you know, when he's got it on his shelf at home, it doesn't say, you know, pornographic book on the spot.

So he says the reason is because it was cheaper in plain binding and he only took it home in order to destroy it.

He didn't want to destroy it.

This is a diary he intends no one else to read, but he's lying to himself in it.

That's That's it.

It is weird because at the end of his diaries, because he gave up after about 10 years the personal diary because of his eyesight was fading.

He thought it was making him blind.

Yeah.

He was right, really, yeah.

And he said, I'm going to keep going with my other diary, because he kept another diary going, but it was just official engagements and things like that, and it was being kept for him by other people.

So he said, I have to put in only what I can decently tell other people, and which I will be sure won't get out.

Did he mean it for it to be seen?

Do we know?

We don't know for his private diary.

Certainly it is, not during his lifetime, not by his wife, obviously.

So he does record sort of every detail in it.

And he has numerous affairs.

But the funny thing is, he obviously must be very conflicted because he's writing it, as you say, in code.

But at the same time, he copies it out in fair and puts it into a leather-bound thing and makes sure that it's well-presented.

So there must have been some part of him that was saying somebody's going to read this and enjoy this one day.

Otherwise,

why would you bother?

I think he must have thought.

I think that's like teenagers do that all the time, don't they?

Write about their boyfriends and pretend that they want to hide the knowledge of it and leave it calculated.

I think it's when I'm in a long time in the future, it will be lovely when people get to read about my life.

I think what he had was an early case of Port Noise complaint.

Portnoy's complaint is a disorder in which strongly felt ethical and altruistic impulses are perpetually warring with extreme sexual longings of a perverse nature.

Yeah, because he does say he's uh there's nothing wrong with a a decent man, a morally upstanding man, reading material like that for the sake of educating themselves.

He justifies himself, as they did right into the 19th century with the uh the secret room of the British Museum, you which contained all the sort of phallic statuary and things that were considered inappropriate for the public.

There was a secret museum at Naples, and it's exactly the same thing.

All the erotic art that was found at Pompeii in Herculaneum.

So there's a statue of the god Pan.

Sort of, he's getting off with a goat.

Yes, that's an extraordinary sculpture.

Yeah, he really is.

They really are in a loving embrace.

Definitely, yeah.

And that is the same thing that happened.

And Pompeii had these erotic frescoes, and they had locked metal cabinets put over them.

But if you were a gentleman and you paid a small fee, they would remove the locked metal cabinet from the top of the fresco, and you could see it.

But if you're a woman, no dice, I'm afraid, Anna.

Interesting, is what you're saying is the first recorded instance of buying pornography.

But apparently, what happened was most pornography at that time was circulated in the form of manuscript miscellanies that people would keep.

People would keep a miscellany of these kinds of things, but also recipes and political tracts and school exercises, and they'd just keep them all bound together for themselves and to give to their friends but there was only ever one copy of each one.

I've got one here.

This is a guy named Anthony Scattergood who was a theologian at Trinity College, Cambridge.

And

in his miscellany he has an erotic poem called On Six Cambridge Maids Bathing Themselves by Queen's College, June the 15th, 1629, which is quite good.

And then immediately after that is a recipe that says, for the eyes, take snails and prick them through the shells with a great pin, and they will issue out a fat water.

Drop the same into the eyes evening and morning.

Wow.

And you know, so that, frankly, probably less attractive than the six.

That was the kind of thing they just gathered together in these miscellaneous, and often in verse form as well, because if it was in verse, it was a sort of a little bit less sort of graphic, it was a bit more arty if it's in verse.

So, yeah, best-selling pornographic verses of the 15th century is a book called The Tale of Two Lovers.

And do you know who wrote it?

Oh, that was the Pope's one, wasn't it?

It was Pope Pius II.

This was, to be fair, before he became Pope that he wrote this book.

All the popes have a past, don't they?

So there was the goalkeeper, and there was the Hitler youth guy.

Yes, you know.

And the one who wrote, yes, A Tale of Two Lovers.

That is saucier than most popes.

Samuel Pepys.

Samuel Peeps.

Samuel Peeps.

I think my favourite line in all the diaries is he woke up and he was going down into the cellar, and his exact words are, and put my foot into a great heap of turds by mistake.

It's just very funny.

One of the only things I knew about Samuel Pepys is that he buried his Parmesan during the Great Fire of London.

I did not know that he was involved in the Great Fire of London.

I think he went to visit.

He started it.

Yeah.

No, he went to visit the king halfway through and advised the king, well, you need to pull down the houses where the fire hasn't got to yet and make what they call a fire break so it doesn't spread outside that area.

Didn't he say he also said that the fire of London went on for months and months after we thought it did?

So I think it was still burning in March the following year.

Watch.

Yeah.

Isn't that weird?

And it started in September.

So I think

strange.

Very strange.

Another thing I didn't know about him was that he sort of wore spectacles, which he was very impressed by and thought worked really well.

But what they were was paper tubes, which had been invented a few decades earlier.

And they were just rolled-up bits of black paper, and they were wider at the eye end than they were at the reading end.

And so they focused right in on tiny lettering.

And they do kind of work.

I guess it gets rid of your glare.

Well, it's a small aperture, isn't it?

You know how with a camera, people don't use old-fashioned cameras, but with a small aperture on the lens, you get a much greater depth of field, and you're just using that effect.

It was said that Nero had emeralds polished as glasses, so for his reading, but he was Nero.

Yeah.

And that's probably a made-up story.

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Okay, let's move on to fact number two and that is

from Piers.

Yeah, this is me.

My fact is that if 50 people swam continuously for 15 months in an Olympic-sized swimming pool, the water would boil.

Have you worked that out?

Yeah, I've got the physics.

The thing is, the thing is, obviously.

It's rubbish.

The physics, you know, basically doesn't work.

But so what we've got is it's an idealized model.

But what this comes from is there's a chat called James Joule, after whom the jewel is named named.

And a joule is the amount of energy it takes to lift a tomato one meter from the ground.

But the thing is

a hundred gram tomato.

Standard tomato.

Oh, your standard European tomatoes tomato.

But anyway, it's also the point is it's also the amount of energy released when you drop the tomato back to the ground.

And that each of those is one joule.

And the point about that is conservation of energy.

You can't create or destroy energy, only convert it from one form to another.

So if you have people swimming around, they raise the temperature of the water.

And he demonstrated this.

He had a tank which was sealed and he had a paddle in it, and a rope which, or a bit of string or something that came out of the top over a pulley, and then he had a weight on the end, and the weight drops, turns the paddle, and he measures the temperature of the water and is able to demonstrate that the amount of energy from the dropping weight is exactly equal to the amount of energy from the increase in temperature in the water.

So, does it matter what stroke you'd be doing?

No, not really.

It's just about your body heat.

Well, that's the other thing.

It's not about your body heat.

For the purposes of this calculation, I've excluded the body heat effect.

Right.

Have you excluded the fact that if you put people in 50 degree water, they tend to sort of stop functioning.

Certainly after 15 months.

I've got various things that need to be left out of the calculation here in order to make it work.

One of them is that the water in this idealized swimming pool doesn't radiate heat away.

The heat that they create all stays there.

The other is that it it has nothing to do with the body heat.

And the other thing is that you have to find a swimming pool that's open on Christmas Day.

Because otherwise

that is the hardest thing

as opposed to the laws of thermodynamics which are easy to move around.

I guess it's a Lido that we're looking for.

Yeah,

and the other thing actually which makes it difficult is an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

Do you know this does not have a standard size?

Because

the depth is not standard.

It can be anything from two meters to three meters.

The pool in my illustration, I'm not going to actually run into all these numbers, they're rather lengthy, but this is two meters deep.

It starts at 20 degrees, it would take 11,200 hours, which is 466 days, to raise the temperature by 80 degrees from there.

Wow.

And the other thing, of course, you've got to contend with is at what point people will die.

Yeah.

You can replace them though, so you could just have substitutes for somebody to stand in.

Are you getting people to dive into a swimming pool which is 90 degrees already?

Yes, swimming.

Presumably full of fecal matter and turn and yeah, if you could put me down for an early shift, please, Slash, that would be great.

So many caveats.

There's an entire thesis of caveats for this place.

But once we've overcome them, this is tea making.

Tea making for the future.

Guys, a fact about swimming, which does not...

I'm afraid it's not in the idealised realm of physics, but it is an actual fact.

Okay, so this is about urinating in swimming pools.

So if a pool is chlorinated and you have a wee in it, it creates a chemical called cyanogen chloride.

Did you know this?

And it's also, it's toxic.

It reacts with nitrogen.

It's when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen in your urine.

And it acts basically as tear gas.

And cyanogen chloride is classified as an agent of chemical warfare.

So when you have a pee in the swimming pool, you are technically in breach of the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons.

You are a war criminal.

If you are in a swimming pool.

If you don't report it to the OPCW,

then, yeah.

That was actually a more idealised experiment than mine.

There is a calculation on this as well, and it was to see whether you could produce enough cyanogen chloride in this same Olympic-sized swimming pool that we found that's open on Christmas Day.

The boiling one.

Yeah, exactly.

That would cause a fatal amount of cyanogen chloride to be created.

So this is done by Casey Johnston at Ars Technica and she calculated that what you needed is 2,500 parts per billion.

That's a fatal dose of cyanogen chloride.

She said what it turned out you would need is a swimming pool that was two parts water to one part chlorine.

So it's anyway completely fatal to swim in before you get it.

And you also need about three million people to have a pee in it before they were killed by the chlorine in the pool so we can't put it to military use just yet wheel the pambling pools onto the front lines

no it does also make a thing called trichloramine which is another lung irritant and it makes a tiny bit of chloroform as well when who knew that this much was going on when you had a pee in the pool there is a way of making flash's boiling pool work of course you have to do just one simple thing to his pool of water and the people without killing them all you have to do is raise the pool up a mere 18 kilometers into the air.

Well, 18 kilometers in the air, then water will boil at blood temperature.

Well, that's probably a better solution.

So, which would probably be easier, actually, if you just raised it up, it's called the Armstrong limit.

We've made a breakthrough.

I mean, people said this is a stupid thing.

It's been very useful.

But it has been checked, because, of course, when pilots go very high, above 18 kilometers, you have to wear a pressure suit, no matter how much oxygen you're getting from an oxygen mask.

Because beyond that point, things like your tears and your saliva start to boil.

Start boiling.

There is a recording of an American pilot who said the last thing he remembers before blacking out, this is going above 18 kilometers without a pressure suit, is feeling the sensation of his saliva boiling on his tongue.

Wow.

That's got to be unpleasant.

Do you know about boiling in space?

This is very cool.

So this is a thing which hadn't been done, obviously, for decades because they have more pressing things to do, like going to the moon.

But obviously, the further up you go, the lower the boiling point of water.

And in the 1990s, they did a a series of experiments on boiling on the space shuttle.

And they found out that, you know, when you boil a kettle in, it has thousands and thousands of bubbles.

When you boil a liquid in space, it just produces one big bubble.

No.

Yeah, and it hoovers up all the other bubbles, it swallows up all the others.

So you just have one massive bubble when your tea is ready.

That's so great.

Brilliant.

I was listening to a podcast the other day called Smart Enough to Know Better, which is an excellent podcast, really interesting.

And they were actually talking about a guy who tries to break records for blowing the biggest bubbles.

And he was saying, once a bubble goes above five meters in diameter, if you puncture it, it no longer pops.

It tears.

Isn't that cool?

So if you blow a gigantic soap bubble, it won't pop anywhere.

In Edinburgh this year, we were after a show called The Amazing Bubble Man.

It was a children's show.

And it was unbelievably good.

We were watching a bit of it through the curtains.

Oh, no, did you feel a bit like a letdown after it?

We couldn't follow it, but thankfully,

all his audience were four-year-olds, and all our audience were not four-year-olds, so it was all right.

But, oh, man, it was so, you know, know, he fills a bubble with smoke.

He sort of injects a bubble hypodermically and then pumps smoke into it and it floats up and when it pops it produces this weird cloud of smoke.

He has a sword that can sort of slice bubbles in two.

You don't actually need a sword to do that, though.

You can get implements

far less difficult to obtain will do the same.

That's true.

Yeah, it's fascinating.

He has a whole, and he sort of puts bubbles on people.

You can put bubbles along the arm of a child, for example, because they don't have hair on their arm.

But for an adult with more hair on their arm, you can't do that because it doesn't quite work.

So, yeah, all sorts of very interesting stuff.

What about plug for him?

I know, I know.

Turns out you can't remember his name.

He doesn't need it.

He's hugely successful.

But I looked as well into, I know this is kind of grotesque, but the business about the best way to kill a lobster.

Oh, yeah.

And whether, because

there's a sharply divided opinion between either the lobster in cold water,

put them in cold water and bring it up to heat gradually, and then they sort of go to sleep and then they're anesthetized and die without knowing it.

Or else you plunge them into boiling water and that kills them instantly.

Or you stab them in the back,

or you don't kill them at all, which is the PETA Peter position.

If you do the PETA method and don't kill them, they're going to be very feisty on the plate.

That's the only problem.

They are, they are, yeah.

We do know what happens if you boil a human alive, though, because there's a description of one.

Oh, really?

Oh, God.

In the reign of Henry VIII, a cook called Richard Roos who poisoned the Bishop of Rochester.

And he he got caught and he thought it's a joke, I just gave him a purgative, it's just a joke, a bit funny, you know, give him a ranny-tummy.

But Henry VIII was incensed and actually put an act of attainder out against him so he could be convicted without trial.

Then persuaded the parliament to make poisoning an act of treason.

Then, when he thought it couldn't get any worse, decided the penalty for poisoning would be being boiled alive.

So, poor old Richard Roos, who apparently had just had a bit of a joke with his employer, ended up being boiled alive.

And

someone who was actually watched said he roared mighty loud and diverse women who were big with child did feel sick at the sight of what they saw and were carried away half dead.

And other men and women did not seem frightened by the boiling alive but would prefer to see the headsman at his work.

As in the executioner.

Yeah, the executioner.

So, you know, lots of different views I've had.

It's not really as good as having his head cut off, isn't it?

Did that catch on as a means of execution or was he unique?

No, there are a few others.

There were actually a few before.

It's often said that Henry VIII invented boiling alive.

In Scotland there are a few.

There was a laird

somewhat earlier who's upset some of his nobles by apparently being too harsh with them and they got together and threw him in a kettle and apparently then to prove they were all in it together they all took a glass of the stew that they made by boiling their laird alive and drank it.

Do you guys know about the world's deepest swimming pool?

I don't know about the world's

deepest swimming pool.

I like to.

There's not actually that much to say about it except that I like it because it's called The Deep Joy, which sounds like a quote from one of Samuel Pepys' favourites.

I think this is in Belgium, and you can walk through a tunnel at the bottom of it, and it's the depth of nine or ten double decker buses, I think.

That's really cool.

Here's my question, though, about what's the point of having a deep end at all in a swimming pool?

Why don't you just make it all sort of a normal

height?

Oh, that's annoying.

You want to dive down?

Well, not much, particularly.

I mean, the thing is, what you want to do is stand on your hands and have your feet sticking out, don't you?

You could do that at a shallow end flash.

Some of us like to test our ears.

Otherwise, you have to be with all the other noobs up the shallow end.

And you could have the whole pool, people standing upside down.

Flash has been forcibly removed from many public pools.

No, the only point of having if you're going to do a very steep vertical dive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Otherwise, it's just a little bit of a test.

I guess they have to build that into the plans for the pool.

In case someone misses the sign saying, please do not do a steep vertical dive, because following the advice of Piers Fletcher, we have made the entire pool a depth of only a metre and thirty.

Feel free to stand on your head.

It It makes it really difficult to boil the water, you know, because you get so much more.

Okay, time for fact number three, and that is my fact.

And this is that in Wales, the size of your garden used to be determined by how far you could throw an axe.

And so this is a tradition in Wales that apparently is very well known.

And I went to the trouble, because I don't want to offend anyone, of looking up how you pronounce it.

And it's called T Unos,

which means one night house.

And it was this tradition that apparently dates back to the Middle Ages, according to Welsh folklore, which is that if you could build a house within a night and have a fire burning in the hearth and smoke coming out of the chimney by the morning, then you own that property.

And then the rule was that you could stand at each of the four corners of your house and throw an axe, and the distance that you threw it marked out the boundaries of your property.

And that's what you owned.

And they continued doing this up until the 19th century.

It was never legally.

I've never found a law, yeah, it was never a legal thing, I think people just did it not a big garden throwing it.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm hugely relieved I didn't live in pre-19th century Wales because I would have had the smallest garden of all of my neighbours.

There's an actual example of a house, which is, well, in fact, there's several, but there's one in particular that's supposed to be built that way.

Do you know about this?

The Snowdonia one.

The Snowdonia one, yes.

This is where, because I went on holiday, the ugly house.

Yeah, I was in Wales last week, so saw it and found out about this thing in an old book.

But yeah, there is this house in Snowdonia called the Ugly House, which is actually really attractive now in a sort of tumble-downy sort of way, but it looks like something out of Hansel and Gretsel or something.

And I think that was made by two brothers in the 15th century.

Was it?

Was that the legend?

Well, that's the legend, but apparently they think it's more likely to be a 19th century cottage.

Yeah, sounds more likely.

The other thing is hill, which is the word they translate as ugly.

It really doesn't mean ugly in Welsh.

It means rugged.

Oh, really?

Much nicer.

It does look rugged.

Yeah.

So, well, a load of the houses, the Tiunos houses, were obviously not very good because they'd been built in in a night.

So a load of them were torn down.

But then they were replaced later on by more modern cottages on the same site.

Could I just nip into your garden, build a shed overnight, light a fire in it, throw me axe, and you wake up in the morning to find that I own half your garden, and then later I build a very nice house on that garden.

A nice conservatory on the side, and then there's a swimming pool in place of my house when I've gone out.

Yeah, look, it happened.

I'd welcome you, Justin.

I was just going to say, you see, it might not be a law, but you can see how it's the kind of thing that people would believe, or at least they'll talk about it in the pub.

Apparently, you know, if you do this, and then they can say, oh, let's do it.

And they go out and they'd do it, and everyone would have a laugh, and then they see if they can get away with it.

It depends if anyone notices, I suppose, doesn't it, really?

I mean, there is a law of adverse possession in the UK, which changed in 2012 but still exists, whereby if it's called squatters' rights is sort of the shorthand for it.

And if you own a piece of land and act like the proprietor of it for long enough, then

it can become your land.

Do you have to be in it for seven years or something?

Twelve years.

Well, you can't now go and squat in someone else's house if it's their home and then wait for the process, you know, have them appeal to the courts.

You can immediately be chucked out for that now.

That's good.

You could even create your own private beach, because you know, most of the foreland in Britain is owned by the Crown.

That's the bit between, sort of midway between the Neap and the Spring High Tide Mark and the ocean, is owned by the Crown.

But if you wanted your own beach, there are just a couple of simple things you have to do.

Find a nice, quiet beach somewhere.

Put up a sign saying private, keep out, as you often see on beaches, actually, even though they're not.

You could put up a little fence don't have to but it's nice to put up a little fence just show that you're caring for the land roll up your trousers take your socks off go for a paddle and all you have to do is stay there for 60 years and the beach is yours 60 years 60 years of paddling and the beach is yours you know how many olympic swimming pools you could boil in that time

you don't actually have to be literally on the beach all that time and i do wonder if those people who put up private beach signs are actually waiting for 60 years to come up to then say they now own the foreshore.

I wouldn't have the nouns to do this before the age of, let's say, 20.

So that's you by the age of 80, you'll have a beach.

It's a gift for the grandchildren, isn't it?

It's like planting trees, you know, stealing the foreshore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, this thing about throwing a thing and seeing how far it lands, I looked into it and I found a book called The History of the Germanic Empire, Volume 3, which was published in 1835.

Best volume.

It's an absolute cracker.

And it describes a load of these customs.

So a shepherd could see how far he could drive his flock into someone else's forest by throwing his crook

as far as he could, and then wherever it lands, you can drive your sheep in that far.

Or a woodcutter could cut wood according to how far he could throw his axe.

Could you only throw it once?

I don't know.

The history of the Germanic Empire, Volume 3, is pretty sketchy on details.

But I just found this other custom which I thought I had to share with you, which is if you killed someone else's dog, to make restitution to them, what you had to do is hang it up by the tail with its nose just touching the ground, and then you had to cover it with wheat so it was completely invisible.

So, you completely cover the whole dog with wheat, and then that heap of wheat is the compensation that's due to the person whose dog you've killed.

It's delicious.

If it's a toy dog, then you're fine.

You're fine, that's just a small loaf of bread you shove it into and you're sorted.

The thing about throwing the axe, the way they found out how much your territorial waters were internationally, were how far you could fire a cannon back in the day.

In fact, not even all that long ago.

Under international law, until the mid-20th century, territorial waters were decided where it was three nautical miles, which was the length of a cannon shot.

And the idea was that that was the distance that you could dominate the sea.

Defensible distance.

You could fire a cannon three miles.

Three nautical miles.

You could 5.6 kilometres.

Spain claimed six nautical miles, but that was unusual.

And

the United Kingdom only extended from three miles to 12 in 1987.

Oh, really?

Well, when we suddenly got a cannon upgrade,

these days you've got cruise missiles, which can go quite a long way, so you could make a pretty good claim.

So I think that doesn't work anymore.

But that's how it works.

Wow, that's interesting.

So it's actually essentially, and presumably these Welsh guys were saying, well, I can defend this house as far as I can throw this axe.

But then you have to go out and get the axe from.

A limitless threat is still a big deal in North Wales.

Is it?

Yeah, apparently.

In fact, here's the interesting thing.

At this moment, there is a thing taking place which is called the Good Life Experience on Hawardin Estate in North Wales.

And Karis Matthews runs an annual axe axe-throwing competition there.

I know who that is,

but I don't.

Catatonia.

And the thing is, it's Karis Matthews and some other people, but she's the only one I'd heard of, so it's Karis Matthews.

Well, it's becoming a trend here, and James Harkin, formerly of this podcast, has done axe-throwing with his wife Paulina and said it was the best one he's ever had.

I think there's one in Shelditch, the best by E.

Lives a Quiet Life.

You should read Peeps.

But they are still, apparently, people still use tomahawks in a military sense.

in certain wars.

This is true.

Queen's missiles are called tomahawks, of course.

So, I think in the Korean War, people actually brought throwing axes as part of their gear.

The Americans brought throwing axes.

Here's the thing about tomahawks, which I did not know, is that loads of Native American tomahawks had hollow handles and could be used to smoke through.

And basically, if

some Native Americans met some white settlers, it could go one of two ways.

You use the axe either to hit them or you come to some sort of agreement and then you smoke together to seal the deal.

Amazing.

In the film, he'd become you see the shadow of this shape and be holding it up and then you'd cut and it's a piece fight.

Cigar?

That would work.

This is so random, but I discovered, since we're talking about America and Wales, that the first Welsh settler in America was called Howell Powell.

Howell Powell.

I like that.

But anyway, I was actually going to talk about squatting in America generally.

In 2004, a woman in Georgia came home from a holiday and there was a car in her drive, and all the lights were on in her house.

And so she went into her house, and there was a stranger in there, a woman, who was wearing all this woman's clothes.

She changed all her utility bills into her name.

She'd installed a washing machine, and she'd installed a dryer, and she'd moved her dog in.

And this woman just moved in, pretended to be her.

So the lady arrived home and said, get out of my house.

And we have no idea why she did that.

She'd ripped out a carpet.

She didn't like how one room was painted.

So she repainted.

What happened?

She went to prison.

Which one did?

Rival Homer knows.

I mean, that's a film, isn't it?

Whose house is this?

This lunatic turned up claiming to be me, and what's my house?

That's a good teleformat: is who actually owns the house?

And you get the two claimants, and you have to ask them questions about: well, where are the switches if a light goes

the trip switches?

Squatting through the keyhole.

Yeah.

Who would squat in a house like this?

Yeah.

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Okay, we should move on to our final fact, and that is from Andy.

My fact is that some caterpillars find new friends by drumming on their anuses.

Work on me?

Yep.

So, this actually, this fact was sent in by somebody, by Gorish Chawler.

So, thank you very much for sending us in.

I liked it so much.

This is the masked birch caterpillar, and it lives on birch leaves and it spins cocoons out of silk.

But sometimes, they need a lot of caterpillars to join in the silk cocoon ceremony and maintain their hiding place.

So, what they do is they do anal drumming.

So, they bang their anuses on the ground, they drum their anus on the leaf, and it summons the other caterpillars.

But they're very versatile, because also, if they have rivals and they want to scare a rival away sometimes, then they will do anal scraping.

That's different from anal drumming.

Oh, yeah.

As we all know.

So, they have a thing called an anal oar.

Anal owe what?

Not a choice I want to be presented with.

If you don't have have a very strong musical ear as a caterpillar and you misinterpret the come hither for the

populies, then yeah, you're really in trouble.

Well, the thing is that there's a recording of this thing online.

You found that.

But there's the woman who researches it says you can't really hear it, but if you get a laser vibrometer, you hear this crazy rumbling sound.

They actually sound like lions.

They're really tiny lions.

She's called Jane Yak, this researcher, and she says they talk to themselves with their asses as well.

Talking with their butts, even when they were alone.

When feeding, they go chomp, chomp, chomp, anal scrape.

Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Nothing unusual about that.

I don't get invited to many dinner parties.

The alcon blue caterpillar also makes a scraping noise, but not for other caterpillars.

It makes a scraping noise that red ants mistake for a queen red ant, and it releases a sort of a chemical that smells like them as well.

So the red ants then take the caterpillar into their anthill, kick out the actual queen ant.

The caterpillar sits there eating the larvae, to which the ants don't seem at all bothered because it smells like a queen.

It looks like a queen.

It doesn't really look like a queen.

But it smells like a queen.

It's making a queeny sort of noise.

Right up until the moment when it pupates and it stays in there, protected by the ants, then it bursts out, at which point all the ants go, wait a minute, because there's a butterfly in the middle of their ant hill, which is unusual.

But they're covered in really loose scales when they come out.

So the ants make a grab for it and all the scales just come off and it just climbs out and flies away.

Brilliant.

That's amazing.

Brilliant.

Is our own queen actually the queen or is she just an enormous caterpillar?

Could imagine if one year for the state opening of parliament she comes out and she seems to be all covered in these loose scales.

What's going on there?

Oh those lords.

Do you know they have carnivorous caterpillars in Hawaii?

What do they eat?

Beef.

They eat snails.

They trap the snail in the silken noose and then they eat it alive because the snail can't move and they the caterpillar sort of goes into the hole, the front door as it were, and the snail tries to withdraw further and further into its own shell and then it runs runs out of space and then gets eaten alive and they eat the whole thing.

That's halfway to go packed into a corner.

Yeah.

Manager discovered this.

He said called Daniel Rubinoff.

He said almost all insects are predators but to find a caterpillar going after a snail is a real shock.

It's like finding a wolf diving for clams.

Well we'll have to take his word for that I suppose because he's the expert but it would be a shock.

I would be amazed.

If I was a snail I would have a trapdoor in the back of my shell or a panic room.

Which marine shells do.

They have an operculum.

They have a little trap door.

They can close up their shell.

Speaking of the words back door.

Oh no, I was just going to have a fact about because there's a fact is about anal drumming.

I have a fact about the giant California sea cucumber.

It's a lovely organism, lives in the ocean, and it uses its anus as a mouth in spite of already having a mouth.

What does it use its mouth for?

It uses its mouth as a mouth.

It's very greedy.

But then when there's food around, it sort of says, oh, I'll have a bit of my bums.

why not yeah

it has a it has this series of tubes which go up from its bottom and it gets water in through those tubes and it sucks the oxygen out of the water that's how it gets its oxygen but it also has these blood vessels and they found that food has been making its way through these blood vessels from the bottom so that's how they eat their food brilliant um on anuses actually i was reading about scorpions anuses and um scorpions sometimes lose their anuses in uh you know what some creatures do

autotomy yes.

But the problem with scorpions, these particular scorpions, is that they commit autotomy.

So, if you threaten them from behind, then they drop their tail off.

But their anus is at the end of their tail.

So, once they've done that, they can no longer defecate.

Or sting.

Or sting, indeed.

So, they just wave around randomly a little butt.

In fact, the guy who discovered this, a guy called Mattoni, said that once it had lost its tail, he could see the build-up of fecal matter in the back of it.

They got a photograph of it, haven't they?

Yeah, So they and they can't grow it back.

They can't grow it back.

The thing is they can breed

before they die.

Do you know what I mean?

It takes them so long to die that

they can bring up a family and pay the school fees.

So it's no problem.

It's not a good trader,

it's not a good chatter.

It's like losing your hair.

There's a kind of thing.

But you can still breed before you die.

Yeah.

In principle.

There is a tiny species of jawworm, which doesn't have a common name, it's called haplonathia, which has a transient anus.

Most of the time, it doesn't have a bottom.

It eats things, and when it needs a bottom, a bottom appears for a while.

It loses the bottom, and then the bottom goes away again.

That's so useful.

Transient anus.

Think how useful that would be.

I can imagine supermodels wanting to invest in that sort of thing, because an anus is not actually that appealing, a body part.

I know they say a lot of things would be a good name for a band, but transient anus would be a fantastic name for a band.

Mapani worms.

Do you think that?

The larvae of the emperor moth.

It said in the thing I read, commonly eaten in Africa, but the Africa is always used to mean just this, like abroad really.

And you eat it by squeezing it like a tube of toothpaste and then giving a quick flick of the wrist to expel the slimy green contents of the gut.

And it's a nutritious snack.

And there was a bloke who was caught at Gatwick with a big

four sacks of these things that were confiscated and destroyed.

And the customs said they were worth £40,000.

What?

Wow.

I know, but I looked up the cost, and you could buy 40 gram tin for £16.99 online, which means that if it really was £40,000 worth, this is in 2013,

he must have been carrying the same weight as a baby elephant.

I saw that.

I think it was about 100 kilos.

And he claimed that they were for personal consumption.

He said exactly that.

How was he getting that much into

the luggage?

You just pack your backpack really densely.

You could get away with it a lot.

You cannot squeeze that into one of those tiny little wire containers at the EasyJet check-in.

Well, he didn't, I don't think it may not have been hand luggage.

This was an unusual seizure, but the vigilance of our officers has stopped these dried instruments from

entering the UK.

Hooray!

And possibly posing a risk to our food chain.

Ingrid Smith,

spokesman for the UK border agency.

I love the idea that you need vigilance to spot 100 kilos of dried caterpillars in sacks.

Okay, that's all of our facts for today.

If you'd like to get in contact with any of us here, you can get in touch with the others on Twitter.

And he's on Andrew Hunter M.

Justin.

At Justin Pollard.

Flash.

Here's Fletcher.

Wow, they all have Twitter accounts.

I didn't think either of you would.

What's your account?

My account is an email address, which is podcastatqi.com, or you can go to atqipodcast, which is our group account, or listen to any of our previous episodes at no suchthingsafish.com, or any of the first 52 are available to buy on iTunes if you look up first year of fish.

That's all for this week.

See you again next week.

Thanks for listening.

Bye-bye.

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