Joy Crookes

Speaker 1 Oh no, it's James A Caster from the Off Menu Podcast, the podcast that you are listening to, and I have some news. I am going on tour round America, North America,

Speaker 1 from the 20th of January, starting in Toronto, and then finishing once again in Canada, in Vancouver, on the 15th of February. And in between, I'm going all over the place.

Speaker 1 I'm going to Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, D.C., Nashville, Austin, Texas, New Orleans, Atlanta, New York, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles,

Speaker 1 San Francisco.

Speaker 1 You don't even need to edit that, like, to be smooth, Benito.

Speaker 1 They know I'm scrolling through my phone. That's what the cool kids do these days.
JamesAcasser.com for tickets. I'm pretty happy with that.

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Speaker 1 Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the Malteza of conversation, sucking off the chocolate of bad vibes, and letting the friendship melt across your tongue. You didn't like that, James? No.

Speaker 1 Ed Gamble there. Off-menu podcast.
My name is James A. Castle.
That is Ed Gamble. Oakley-Doakly-Doo neighborinos.

Speaker 1 And huh? God's sake.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Why are you being Flanders again?

Speaker 1 I thought it'd be a good thing to start doing. I think

Speaker 1 the longer longer this podcast goes on for, I think the more we have to bring in new things that we do. Right.
Running jokes. I agree, but it's not.

Speaker 1 Because you've done this for another podcast today, which has been out already.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I guarantee you will forget the next time we record to be Flanders. Well, you know, a bit of fun for the listeners.

Speaker 1 Well, they'll be able to tell because these go on YouTube now, so you'll be wearing the same thing. Yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think, you know, if people work out which two episodes were recorded on the same same day, Benito will send us on shopping board. Oh, yeah, good point.
That's a good new running idea.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we can do that. Yeah.
Hey, Benito, don't have a cow, man. That is a gamble.
My name is James A. Caster.
Bart, isn't that Bart? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we invite in a guest and ask their favourite ever, start at make or dessert, side dish and drink. And this week, our guest is Joy Crooks.

Speaker 1 Joy Crooks, a very talented musician,

Speaker 1 singer, and producer, and all of these businesses, James. All of these businesses.

Speaker 1 I saw Joy at Glastonbury. Yes.
Absolutely fantastic set. One of the most talked about sets at Glastonbury, I would say.
By you or by everyone? By everyone.

Speaker 1 I mean, when I was at the festival, a lot of people were saying that was one of the best things they've seen.

Speaker 1 And then you come out of the festival and you see all the press and all the stuff about it. And it was coming up all the time there as well.
So, you know, I think.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't catch me going to that place, but I'm happy for Joy and I'm excited to talk to her. Yep.

Speaker 1 For the listener, Ed finds it impossible to hear about Glastonbury without having to assert that he wouldn't go. Well, as everyone, I think, who wouldn't go to Glastonbury.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like it's a reflex. They have to go.
I would never go to that. It's very boring, but I think we all do it.
I like it. Yeah.
I like it. I would not go.

Speaker 1 Joy's new album, Juniper, is out now, so make sure you listen to that. We're going to ask Joy about it as well.

Speaker 1 But listen, we love Joy Crooks, but if Joy says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 And this week, the secret ingredient is Almond joy almond joy you've picked this one james obviously joy it's a chocolate bar in america yeah it's basically like a bounty for yes the uk listeners which is most of you yeah but uh it's got the word joy in it that's yeah it's simple simply all all the thought i've put into it there done why does it say toast on this press release the pr your dog is the pr for joy crooks your dog started doing pr

Speaker 1 oh no i don't know how good toast is going to be at pr we're going to end up interviewing like a ball yeah well well,

Speaker 1 Benito, we're going to end up interviewing a ball.

Speaker 1 What would if a dog was a PR? Who would they get on? A bull? A ball? A bone? And a bone?

Speaker 1 And a cat they've chased into the studio? A postie. Yeah, a postie.

Speaker 1 You should speak to the postie.

Speaker 1 I'll get you the poster.

Speaker 1 That guy's doing so well at the moment. And it would just be a trap for the posty.
Yeah, it would be a trap for the posty. Yeah, and toast gets him when he comes in the studio.

Speaker 1 I should be in the studio for the poster.

Speaker 1 You should let me in.

Speaker 1 I should be there.

Speaker 1 Make sure everything goes smoothly.

Speaker 1 You guys should speak to my favourite food.

Speaker 1 Toast's such a crazy PR, but does represent Joy Crooks.

Speaker 1 It does come good sometimes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So that's good. This episode will be on YouTube tomorrow.
Yeah, people can see us in front of the Richard and Judy kind of set that Benito's built in the studio. If Toast signs off on the video.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Toast has to sign off. He's very strict as a PR rep

Speaker 1 agent. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So hopefully, he'll sign off on it. It'll be okay.
He has to come in to do that, though, because he can't use the online one. Yeah.
Is there his pause? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
He has to come in.

Speaker 1 He's a dog, for goodness sake. Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I'll sign off unless it can go on the internet. Have you given any more thought to the posting episode? And the ball, please.

Speaker 1 This is the off-menu menu of Joy Crooks.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Joy, to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks.
Hi, man.

Speaker 4 Welcome, Joy Crooks, to the Dream Restaurant.

Speaker 1 We've been expecting you for some time.

Speaker 4 How's it going?

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 We only just, you were commenting on the cameras before we started. And I've only just like that bit there that I just did.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was a lot more comfortable doing that when we weren't being filmed every single time. And I knew people weren't going to watch full episodes and see me do it.
Right.

Speaker 1 Because in the past, like, they can just imagine me bursting out of a lamp like a genie, but now they're seeing me just doing that. And it's a bit more embarrassing.

Speaker 4 I feel like I'm just in a state of shock because you were both really subdued when I walked in, and that just really felt like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we turned it on for the cameras.

Speaker 4 Yeah, well, no, it's not a bad thing. You know, you have to sometimes.

Speaker 1 Could have conserved some energy.

Speaker 4 That really, really shocked me.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Hello.

Speaker 1 Sometimes we have had to warn people, I had to warn Ed Sheeran.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but you would have to warn Ed Sheeran, wouldn't you? He has a pond you can swim in.

Speaker 1 Does he? He's got a pond? Yeah.

Speaker 4 He's got like one of them, like, I call them the billionaire ponds because it's basically a pond that they've now rebranded ponds to look like posh swimming pools because you can swim in them.

Speaker 1 But they've got like algae in them and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know someone who's got a billionaire's pond.

Speaker 4 It really like blows my mind how you can just rebrand things, you know, like a pond and algae. But now that a billionaire owns it, it's okay.

Speaker 1 Didn't know about this. Like Mr.
Darcy.

Speaker 4 Well, yeah, I mean, it kind of... It's a bit E.
coli-ish, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wouldn't. I went to a party at someone's house and he had that pond.

Speaker 4 Did everyone leave with E.

Speaker 3 coli?

Speaker 1 Possibly, but I mean, I didn't because they were like, and later on in the party, I hope you brought your trunks. We're all going to go for a swim.
Like, I'm not going for a.

Speaker 4 Definitely have leeches.

Speaker 1 They have a swim at a party. They have leeches.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's no doubt. It's full of leeches.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I pulled a leech off someone once because I didn't know you were meant to put salt on it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Okay.
What year was this?

Speaker 4 Two years ago.

Speaker 1 Leeches? Two years ago.

Speaker 4 Canada. They got snapping turtles as well.
Yeah. Just like aggro turtles, which is a bit weird.
But I didn't get on the wrong side of them. That was okay.

Speaker 4 But basically, a mate walks out of a big lake. There's loads of lakes there.
In fact, more lakes than ever, I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they love lakes. They love it.

Speaker 4 But isn't it like one of the most lake-filled places in the world? Yeah, lake-filled. Big time.

Speaker 1 Great lakes.

Speaker 4 This is how you know I called geography advanced colouring and stuff.

Speaker 4 But she just walked out of this lake and she had a leech on her foot. And I saw it because, you know, you walk out of the weird ladder thing.
And I was behind her.

Speaker 4 And I thought, oh, God, you shouldn't have that on you.

Speaker 4 And I just went and yanked it off yeah but you're not meant to do that is what the Canadians tell me because they're sucking they're sucking blood right at this point I don't know I just was like

Speaker 4 you're not paying rent all right that's not your foot and then I didn't put the salt on and I just pulled it off yeah was it painful well it wasn't her it was on someone else I didn't really know her that well either

Speaker 4 and just pulled it I said oh god and then just chucked it back in yeah didn't go for me though see I didn't know you were supposed to put salt on the leech I didn't know they were meant to to put salt.

Speaker 1 I know you weren't meant to pull it off because it can then puke back into your body. Because it's sucking the blood.
And as you pull it, it can go

Speaker 1 and then puke

Speaker 1 the blood back inside you.

Speaker 4 Well, thanks very much. Give it back.

Speaker 1 Not with added puke, though.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but maybe their puke's got like Ed Sheeran Pond effects. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it might be healing. It could be.
Yeah, it could be. People just don't know that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 I'm so glad we could get this out of the way of thinking about it all morning.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I mean, I could could see you had that ready to go when you came in.

Speaker 4 I did. It was really scratching my mind.

Speaker 1 I hope we talk about Leech Puke. Sounds like a band I would listen to.
Before we started the podcast, Joy did say to us, I'd really like to talk about Leech Puke and not my new album, Juniper, please.

Speaker 1 That was what you said. What a lovely link into the promo section.
Yeah, yeah, that's my bad. That was really well done for that.

Speaker 1 Very excited about this new album, as a lot of people are. I saw you at Glastonbury.
It was fantastic. Oh, thanks.
What can you tell people about this?

Speaker 1 I mean, there's a lot of guests I'm excited about, and the singles are sounding great. But

Speaker 1 where are you with it now?

Speaker 1 How long do you have to sit with the album before it comes out?

Speaker 4 This one about 763 years.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow, that's a long time actually.
It was a while.

Speaker 4 Well, it felt that way. But no, I really like this album, actually.
And I like performing it. I realised I like it.

Speaker 4 I realized I liked it along the way, but I realized I really like it because I go to rehearsals now. I'm rehearsing for Tor at the moment.

Speaker 4 And I'm really enjoying playing the music and that is a good sign.

Speaker 1 That's a really good sign. Yeah.
Imagine if you're in there going, oh no.

Speaker 4 I've been there. Yeah.
There are things where I've been like, oh Jesus. And like also just when it doesn't feel like we're getting the music, but I get on, I call my band the mates.

Speaker 4 We're called Joy Crooks and the Mates. And they really are my mates.
They're just such a funny bunch of boys. And then just playing the music feels really good.
And I don't know.

Speaker 4 I feel like I can connect to it quite easily and relate to the topics, even though I wrote it a little while ago.

Speaker 1 Do you ever sit down to like rehearse for the tour and come up with stuff for the songs that you're like, oh, I should have had that on the album? All the time. Like you add a little something.

Speaker 4 The time, it drives me nuts. It really drives me crazy.
There's like guitar riffs I come up with.

Speaker 4 At the moment, I'm playing Omnicord in one of the songs.

Speaker 1 Oh, nice.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that we've like plugged through. This is really boring music stuff, like plugged through a guitar pedal, so it sounds really cool.
And I'm just like, why did I not, why did I not do that?

Speaker 4 Why did I I not play Omnicord during Glastonbury?

Speaker 1 That would have been cool.

Speaker 1 Don't worry about boring music stuff.

Speaker 1 We're music nerds. Okay, good.
We're here for it.

Speaker 4 Good. Well, yeah, I just,

Speaker 4 there's always something I feel like I could have added. Or with my vocals as well, I'm like, why did I not go there?

Speaker 4 And I did that on the record, you know? There's always something. But I think that's what makes live so fun because you can just have a new version of the tunes in your own way.

Speaker 1 Have you ever released a live album? Sorry. Never.
Would you do it?

Speaker 4 Probably if i didn't think it sounded shy

Speaker 1 obviously yeah well that's yeah that's we assume that that's a given yeah yeah

Speaker 4 but uh do you have do you have any favorite live albums by other artists that you because i i think i think they get overlooked quite a lot but the good ones yeah great unplugged one of the best nirvana and lauren's unplugs are just like ridiculous yeah but like yeah kurt cabain's unplugged is just unreal i actually haven't listened to it in 10 years or something i used to listen to it a bunch when i was a kid my dad just really loved that record and it would be on all the time.

Speaker 4 And I don't know, that

Speaker 4 specific setup. And also, strangely, the acoustic guitars, like Lauren's acoustic guitar, she didn't even play it that well.

Speaker 4 But it wasn't about that.

Speaker 4 And Kurt's, I don't know, it just sounded, the sound was amazing.

Speaker 4 And it was funny how you can connect to such a like bare-boned version of those tunes, which is testament to the fact that the tunes are insanely good, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it made me appreciate his voice even more, that album. Definitely.

Speaker 1 I think I maybe took it for granted a bit on the noisier album, the other band albums, but like with that unplugged one, you really hear how good his voice is. It's mad.

Speaker 4 Totally. And you hear how good the riffs are, too, because you can put them on acoustic guitars and they still bang, you know.

Speaker 1 So you can't do Omnicord unplugged, though. That's the one thing you have to.

Speaker 4 You can, because

Speaker 4 it's battery-powered, actually.

Speaker 1 Blam. But

Speaker 1 that doesn't feel like within the spirit of the unplugged to have battery powered.

Speaker 4 Well, maybe we have different spirits.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, but everyone everyone's allowed to have different spirits but if if i think if i came to see you do unplugged and you were using a battery powered omnicord i'd be like that's not a loop pot i appreciate it have like a um you know what joni mitchell played on her lap like those half

Speaker 1 yeah like

Speaker 4 a liar is that well it looks like an omnichord but it is an actual like thing i don't know it looks like something you knit with or like make a rug with like a loom yeah that yeah i only found out what they were called the other day i looked at my friend has one in her house and i looked at it and i was like oh that's a nice little nitty thing isn't it

Speaker 4 and she was like oh no that's a loom.

Speaker 1 And now I know what a loom is. You know what that is.
As a lyricist, when you pick up stuff like that, you're like, oh, put that. That's a nice word.
I'm going to put that in a song. Loom.

Speaker 4 It's funny you should mention this because I have a little problem with words,

Speaker 4 even though I'm a lyricist. So my boyfriend made me a book called Joyisms, which is British proverbs that I annihilate by accident and say with pure confidence.

Speaker 4 Yesterday I did one.

Speaker 4 I said, Make yourselves home.

Speaker 1 yeah. Make yourselves home.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 All my mates are over for an Indian takeaway.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's nice, though. I think it's wrong, though.
It's wrong.

Speaker 1 It's definitely wrong.

Speaker 4 They get worse.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 Fruits of my labia

Speaker 4 was one.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a bad one.

Speaker 1 That's chapter one of Joy, isn't it?

Speaker 4 You take a breath and they take a mile.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Great.

Speaker 4 What does that mean? Yeah. What does that mean? The sky is the ocean.
That's something I said. Well, that's not.
I think I said it to someone younger than me when they were asking for advice.

Speaker 4 And I was like, look, the sky is the ocean.

Speaker 1 You're like Delboy.

Speaker 1 They came away from that chat being like, I'm more confused than I was going in.

Speaker 4 Literally, I used to say half a dozen, three of the other as well.

Speaker 4 I never really knew what that meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It doesn't mean anything.

Speaker 4 Two sides of the same cloth.

Speaker 4 And I just get them wrong all the time. I said grandma's tails the other day.
It's old wives' tales, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that, I mean, grandmas can be old wives as well, right?

Speaker 4 My friends thought I meant actual like cat tails.

Speaker 1 Oh, right, okay. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 So, yes, I hear words like loom, but there's a 98% chance I'm going to say it. Either say it wrong or put it into the wrong

Speaker 4 thing, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 If you say fruits of the loom,

Speaker 4 fruits of the loom.

Speaker 1 That's just a popular t-shirt. That's a really good t-shirt.
Yeah, I love those t-shirts.

Speaker 1 Fruits of the loom, I always think of when I used to go to gigs and then come out and the guys are selling the knockoff merch outside.

Speaker 4 They're always better, though.

Speaker 1 Well, no, because when certainly the ones I've bought in the past are like the logo screen printed over the Fruits of the Loom logo, so you can still see Fruits of the Loom showing through.

Speaker 4 It's a fiver.

Speaker 1 That's kind of the vibe. Yeah, that's the vibe.
Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 1 We always start with still a sparkling mortar, Joy. Do you have a preference?

Speaker 4 Always sparkling.

Speaker 1 Always. Now, singers don't always say always sparkling water because of the.

Speaker 4 I'm just not any, I'm not just any singer.

Speaker 4 I'm a sparkling water singer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is Joy Crooks we've got in the studio, man. Have a look.

Speaker 4 I've got a, it's a shame that this is a podcast, really, because I was going to show you my burp dance. But luckily, we've got these strangely horizontal cameras.
We've got big long cameras.

Speaker 4 But basically, everyone always asks me, there's this one dance new idea where I do this on stage.

Speaker 1 Oh, nice.

Speaker 4 But just massive burps every time.

Speaker 4 Huge ones. Sometimes I go over to my bass player to look like we've got some like chemistry.
I'm burping straight into his face.

Speaker 1 That's chemistry of a sort, I suppose. Straight burp.

Speaker 4 You know, when cats cough, it looks like that as well.

Speaker 1 Poor fucking guy. So maybe you're turning away, you're burping, but are you keeping your mouth shut? You're not doing like...

Speaker 4 I can do multiple different kinds of burps. Can you take a break? I can burp through my nose.

Speaker 1 Can you? Yeah.

Speaker 4 You never had that one where it just feels like you can, especially with sparkling water.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Especially if it's a good one, like a Vitti Catalan. What is it, Vicky Catalan?

Speaker 1 Vichy Catalan? No, it's Vicky Catalan. It's Vicky Catalan.
I'm going to trust you on that, am I? When I have Vicky. I'm going to trust Fruit of the Labia on what they're having.

Speaker 1 Vicky Catalan.

Speaker 4 When I have Vicky, I burp out my nose.

Speaker 1 Just consistently out of your nose.

Speaker 4 I don't know, because you're giving me a coffee. Yeah.
But you can just... And it just comes out the nose.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean.
It's not like... Out of your nostrils, it makes a burp.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. That's what Ed was thinking.

Speaker 1 You're burping in the mouth and you're releasing it through the nose. You're not burping straight out the nose.

Speaker 4 It's like a bit of both. Can I just say really quickly, sorry to sidetrack, but you've got a green shirt on, a white mug and like slightly orange trousers.

Speaker 4 Have you heard of the Instagram page Accidentally Island?

Speaker 1 No, what's up?

Speaker 4 Do you mind if I take a picture of you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it being going straight to Accidentally Island? I'm going to go on Accidentally Island.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because

Speaker 4 you've got the Irish flag on by accident.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've accidentally worn the Irish flag. Well,

Speaker 1 it's the white mug, too. Yes, the white mug's done it.
Joe what? White guy, it's just a white guy. Yeah, my white mug.

Speaker 4 He'd have to have like a crop top on, then you could have white

Speaker 1 midriff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I know I made a mistake this morning when I was getting dressed.
Didn't you put the crop top on?

Speaker 1 I hate when that happens.

Speaker 1 Look, you know,

Speaker 1 I've never been happier to accidentally be a country in Ireland. Great.
So thank you. You're so welcome.
I'm looking forward to being on the train. Sorry for the sidetrack.
No, no, not at all.

Speaker 1 We love that. We love a sidetrack.
So you're going to have sparkling water. Now, you shouted out the Vicky Catalana or whatever.

Speaker 4 What's What's it actually called?

Speaker 1 I think it's Vichy Catalan, but I'm happy to go with Vicki Catalan.

Speaker 1 He is right.

Speaker 1 It's always right. Like a Vici.
Like a Vici. Vici or Vichy.

Speaker 4 Like a Vici.

Speaker 1 Not like a Vici, the Swedish.

Speaker 4 Oh, but like Vichy. Vichy Catalan.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the Swedish for me is.

Speaker 4 That's why I just go, can I like that one please? Is he Swedish?

Speaker 1 A Vici, the DJ guy? I think so. Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know this person. Maybe.
You don't know this person? I just said you're a music nerd. You don't know who Avici is? No.

Speaker 1 I said we were music nerds. Between us, we've got it covered.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. I was going to say each to their own, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know Amici. I know DJ Lethal.

Speaker 4 If we're talking DJs, I don't know if I'm I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I'm really into MC Bin Laden.

Speaker 1 Okay, you can say that. He's not heard of MC Bin Laden.

Speaker 4 You know about Bile Funk, right?

Speaker 4 The music of the favelas.

Speaker 1 The Brazilian, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, there's one of the best ones is called MC Bin Laden. I'm not joking.

Speaker 4 And they call it the Brazilians, like Brazilian people have messaged me saying, oh, this is a song called Bolololo, ha ha ha ha, and by mc bernardin and they're like this is actually our national anthem like unofficial national anthem i'm going to listen to that as soon as we finish it because i'm only becoming like vaguely familiar with that genre i don't even know what it's called but i know that some people like jpeg mafia did a song that was like sampling that

Speaker 1 yeah so i was like that's really all i know about it so i was like i didn't know it was a thing until like that song and i was like oh it's like i'm this is my first time i'm quite big on the internet at the minute like it's so good yeah It's so, so good.

Speaker 4 But that hearing it through JPEG Mafia is a little bit like hearing about Nando's through an American.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 You know, or like Morley's through an American. It's just not the same thing, is it?

Speaker 1 No, I'm not saying that.

Speaker 4 No, I'm not saying that you are, but I'm just saying. I'm not saying

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, no, I get that.

Speaker 4 I'm just, yeah, that was an analogy.

Speaker 1 Yes. Is MC bin Laden

Speaker 1 named after Osama, or is it just a coincidence?

Speaker 4 No, because Osama was related to loads of bin Laden's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 4 It could have been like

Speaker 4 Jared Bin Laden.

Speaker 1 Jared Bin Laden, yep.

Speaker 4 Do you know about Bin Laden's son? I was reading about.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's a goth. So it could be just after his goth son.
Yeah. He's a metalhead.

Speaker 1 He lives in England.

Speaker 4 He's a massive metalhead. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Obviously, I get to serve that on the algorithm.

Speaker 4 I love that we've gone from sparkling water to a salmon bin Laden. Yeah, yeah.
We're just covering all the important stuff and the accident, the island out of it for getting a crop top.

Speaker 1 Joy, just in case you're wondering, all of those things were you, but you brought all those up. What?

Speaker 1 We've got

Speaker 1 God, we're really talking about all these different things. Crazy.

Speaker 1 how did I talk about Van?

Speaker 4 I don't even know. So, yes, Vicky Catalan, yes,

Speaker 4 sparkling water. Because have you also seen those men on the internet that there's a man that's a professional sparkling waterhead and he can guess every sparkling water?

Speaker 4 And he's like from New York, Italian, and knows exactly which is which, which is kind of amazing. Just testament to the fact that sparkling water is so flavorful.

Speaker 1 Yes, and it can be and something very, very different. I mean, Vicky, our old friend Vicky,

Speaker 1 she's salty.

Speaker 4 So salty. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then Badois. Do you know Badois? Sorry?

Speaker 1 I don't know it. Badoit?

Speaker 4 Badois. Badois.

Speaker 1 B-A-D. Bad hour.

Speaker 1 Bad hour.

Speaker 1 A very light sparkle, a very gentle sparkle. That's nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 But is it secretly aggressive?

Speaker 1 Possibly. Like a submarine.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Submarine water, yeah. Yeah, in the esophagus.

Speaker 4 It does have a submarine in the esophagus feel to it, doesn't it? Sparkling water.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does.

Speaker 1 I think if I realized that my palate was good enough that I could tell the difference between sparkling waters, even though I'd recognise that that is a talent that not a lot of people have,

Speaker 1 I don't know if I would pursue it. I think

Speaker 1 it would be too boring.

Speaker 4 I think you'd be a performative male if you did that.

Speaker 1 A performative male? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're quite a performative male. Is there any other type of male? Yeah.
Well, kinda.

Speaker 4 There's like Premier League male.

Speaker 4 There's Champions League male, depending on where your Prem is, and then there's performative males. And do you think a Prem and Champion League male will have a matchup? Probably not.

Speaker 1 Can you talk us through the Premier League and Championship

Speaker 1 males? And then why is that? Why are they football? Why are they football based? And then why do we go straight to that?

Speaker 4 I'm just giving you examples of other types of males.

Speaker 1 Other types of males, yeah. Can you give us maybe through like celebrities, who's a Premier League male, who's a Champions League male, and why? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Let me think of a celebrity that's a Premi League male. So they can't be in the top four because they can't be a Champions League male.
Well, they could be. They could be Arsenal.
I'm Arsenal. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, wait, let me think. Or what are the qualities? A celebrity.

Speaker 4 What kind of celebrity are we talking?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know because I don't know what the...

Speaker 4 Okay, so like Romish Ranganathan,

Speaker 4 he's definitely a champions, a Champions League and a Premier male because he's Arsenal. So we're both now, right?

Speaker 1 But hold on. But what about his personality makes it really performative male of you both to go

Speaker 4 to the football stuff and not focus on performative males?

Speaker 1 We don't know if I are. Okay, wait, I'm going to give you an example.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make you a Venn diagram.

Speaker 4 I'm going to make you a Venn diagram. Okay, let's make it.
When you're at a football match and you're, let's say, a performative male goes to a football match.

Speaker 4 This is going to be really, really important.

Speaker 4 You've lost me already when you're a male is going to have like a Carlsberg, right? But the performative male is having an ahi.

Speaker 1 Right. I'm having an ahi.
But isn't performative nuts and you're just doing it for everyone else and to basically, yeah.

Speaker 4 Like you've

Speaker 4 got a matcher on your way to the Emirates and at the Emirates, you're not just having an Asahi, you're having an Asahi from the self-pouring station.

Speaker 1 Right, yeah. Yeah.
But that sounds nice. Yeah.

Speaker 4 No, it does sound nice, but I'm still saying that is a performative male thing to do. And he probably has like a carabina on and

Speaker 1 they're helpful for

Speaker 1 holding your keys. That's why carabinas are useful.
I think performative mail is putting your keys onto your jeans.

Speaker 4 Yeah, well, I like carabinas, but that's a different story. But um, we're getting lost here, okay?

Speaker 1 Just use the a sahi

Speaker 1 reference. No, I get it, James.

Speaker 4 I think you're stressed because maybe you suffer from the symptoms of performative mail.

Speaker 1 I'm aware that performative mail is being leveled at both of us, yeah. But I'm trying to figure out what that says about us.

Speaker 4 Do you watch meditations of an anxious mind? No, no. Oh, he's a funny, um, funny fella from Dublin called Frankie, And he goes around and just makes cultural observations.

Speaker 4 And his Instagram is Meditations of an Anxious Mind. And he does a whole sector on like performative males.

Speaker 4 And I think maybe on top of the bin Laden homework, obviously MC Bin Laden homework that you're doing, maybe you should add that to the list as well.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Same birthdays, me, Osama bin Laden.

Speaker 4 No way. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's that? March 10th.

Speaker 4 That's a nice day.

Speaker 1 Me, Osama bin Laden, Drew Barrymore, John Hamm.

Speaker 4 I'm David Cameron and Bana Hadid. So all the best people.

Speaker 1 Really good, yeah.

Speaker 4 All my favourite people, actually.

Speaker 1 Pop rubs on bread. Pop-lumps on bread, Joyce Brooks.
Pop-lums on bread. Joyce spilt her coffee.
I've just spilt the coffee.

Speaker 1 The best.

Speaker 1 I finally did it. I made someone spill their drinks.

Speaker 4 I thought you were really passionate about Zodiac for a second.

Speaker 4 Oh, I am. And I would have gone, that's it.
That's the most performative male thing you've done today.

Speaker 4 I think bread or profitables is potentially one of the most offensive things you can ask ask me.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, okay.

Speaker 4 So, um, my mum's Bangladeshi and my dad's Irish, so that's like asking me to choose between mum and dad, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we should change the question to mum or dad. Mum or dad, I should shout mum or dad at people, yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, it wouldn't work for everyone, no, it wouldn't work for everyone, would it? Some people, some people would be like, oh, obviously, my grandma, yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, or neither, or I'm an orphan, yeah, I'm an orphan, would be, yeah,

Speaker 1 no, but we've got a very strict rule on the podcast, podcast. We don't have orphans.

Speaker 4 No orphans. No orphans.

Speaker 4 It's too traumatic, isn't it? And it's not about trauma bonding. It's about taste bonds.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 4 I love soda bread and I love popadoms. Yeah.
I ate poppadums last night and almost ordered soda bread this morning. But instead for breakfast, I had a chicken biryani and a protein shake.

Speaker 4 10 o'clock this morning.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A biryani at 10 o'clock this morning.
Was this leftover or are you cooking it fresh? Are you cooking it fresh at 10?

Speaker 4 It's never going to be yummy at 10, is it? If you cook it fresh, but like, yeah, it's nicer than the night before. Yeah, so good.

Speaker 1 Keeps cooking in the fridge, I think. I agree with you.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, it just, yeah, it ruminates.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it ruminates, it marinates.

Speaker 4 Yeah, ruminates and marinates.

Speaker 4 That would be the name of if I ever had a restaurant. Ruminate, marinate.
Ruminates and marinates. No, I think it'd just be called housewife.
I want everything to be called housewife.

Speaker 1 Why? Don't know.

Speaker 4 Just like the word. Yeah.
So what are you doing tonight, housewife?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Just sounds right. Yeah, I can't really choose between the two.
Sorry. Have both.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, you have both.

Speaker 1 I think it's a reasonable. Like, some people might try and hack the system and say both, but your one is quite a personal reason.
Yeah. It's your parents.
Yeah. You know.

Speaker 1 So it's not going to look good on us.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you don't want to look cancelled is basically. You don't want to get cancelled.
You don't want.

Speaker 1 That's not real, is it? Well, no, it's not. I'm not afraid of getting cancelled.

Speaker 4 Yeah, because it only lasts for 20 minutes, anyway.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not real. Stop moaning, Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 1 You're not cancelled, mate.

Speaker 4 He wants Jimmy Carr again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. But you won't know because he's cancelled.

Speaker 1 That's why you don't know.

Speaker 4 It's the one with the suits.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 He did the Don't Laugh, Don't Laugh At All.

Speaker 1 He hosts Don't Laugh At All. That show is huge.
Don't laugh at all. Yeah, he hosts Don't Laugh At All.
Yes. And Richard.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 1 I'd love if it was called Don't Laugh At All. Don't Laugh.
Don't Laugh At All. Did you try to play it

Speaker 4 when I was on Tenny? No. I tried to not laugh.

Speaker 1 No, I play Guest the Fee when I watch that show.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Oh, yeah.
Because everyone will have different ones, you know?

Speaker 1 It's a sliding scale on Don't Laugh at all.

Speaker 4 Oh, I think we might have entered the dread time of comedy.

Speaker 1 The dread time?

Speaker 4 Dread time of comedy, yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 4 I mean, like, you guys obviously bitch like anyone else about your industries. Like, obviously, I love a good music bitch.
We were having a little music bitch out there a second ago.

Speaker 4 I can't repeat what was said, obviously, but

Speaker 4 it's like when I listened to the Bob episode that you guys did and he talked about going for dinners to basically bitch about the industry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think about that a lot.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I really, I didn't know that I'd enter that for 10 seconds whilst sitting here with you guys. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Guess the fee is bitchy.

Speaker 1 Guess the fee is bitchy. Yeah, it's fun as well though.

Speaker 4 You know, I can guess the fee for Richard because he lives near me and I always look at his house and I go,

Speaker 4 television money.

Speaker 4 Television money.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. But also the lycra he wears to the gym is like, that's, that's buttery soft.

Speaker 1 Oh, is it? Yeah.

Speaker 4 That's not cheap shit.

Speaker 1 I take that for free. I cannot imagine Richard I.
Why did he in lycra?

Speaker 4 I can.

Speaker 1 Well, you don't need to.

Speaker 4 I couldn't make eye contact. You can't look at a man in lycra.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 4 I don't know how people. Surely fibersides when that happens.

Speaker 1 Surely eye contact is what you want with the lycra. So you're because there's no lycra on the eyes.
It's the one bit that you can look at.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but you always accidentally look at people's cocks when they're in lycra.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 4 That's why you're meant to wear shorts over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know when men just wear leggings?

Speaker 1 That's crucial. Grow shorts.

Speaker 4 I know. It's a violation.

Speaker 1 Let's get into your menu proper now, your dream starter.

Speaker 4 This was a difficult one for me. So I really like ham on a Berico,

Speaker 4 but I also really like sausage butties.

Speaker 4 So I thought for a starter, I would have a sausage butty and

Speaker 4 ham on a Berico moment.

Speaker 1 Talk us through the moment. How is it presenting itself as a moment?

Speaker 4 Well, Ham on a Berico is extremely expensive these days.

Speaker 4 And since we're living in the throes of late-stage capitalism and the economy is just burning all around us, and we're all struggling, and the world is becoming a dark, dark, fascist place, Hammond Amberico is not the easiest thing to have financially.

Speaker 4 So, we do have to take that into account into our

Speaker 1 dream restaurant. In your dream restaurant.
So, in your dream restaurant, we're in late stage capitalism.

Speaker 4 No, no, no. In my dream restaurant, it's 2002.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that's fine. Oh, why specifically?

Speaker 4 Pre-2008, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 Maybe the 90s, actually. Leather was better then.

Speaker 4 So no, early 2000s had good cleavage, though. We want some like cleavage in the restaurant.

Speaker 1 So we want 90s leather. Yeah.
Early 2000s cleavage. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what ham on a barico prices from then, right?

Speaker 4 Yeah, definitely. Yeah.
But no, it's like more expensive than gold, you know? It's kind of crazy.

Speaker 4 But yeah, so like ham and barico and a sausage body, but specifically Richmond sausage.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Lovely.

Speaker 4 We don't do like, we don't, we don't do the posh stuff at all.

Speaker 4 So you want, you don't do fucking oregano and the feckin' sausage and cumberland schmumberland.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I do. I do the oregano and the cumberland schmoberland.
Performative mail. Yeah.
Is that performative male?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, agreed.

Speaker 4 And you also just admitted that sometimes you might leave the house just with the leggings on.

Speaker 1 By accident, Joy. I don't want, I'm putting the shorts on.
I don't want everyone seeing my Richmond.

Speaker 4 Seeing my Richmond.

Speaker 1 Richmond.

Speaker 4 Seeing my Richmond is something I didn't think I'd hear today.

Speaker 1 I knew Belichia would like Richmond. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So you want

Speaker 1 a sausage butty that you get in like a calf, like the Richmond sausages.

Speaker 4 And white bread.

Speaker 1 And it's the Iberico in there.

Speaker 4 No, no, no, you can't do that.

Speaker 1 I want that.

Speaker 4 But you can choose because it's obviously how you want to eat it.

Speaker 1 And you describe it, it makes me just want to get a handful of the Iberico.

Speaker 1 Put it in there with the Richmond sausages.

Speaker 1 It's fair.

Speaker 4 Iberico is always with some really hard bread that could have potentially cost a lot of money at the dentist if eaten incorrectly which has happened to me before but with soft bread iberico actually might be amazing with like a good what's like a what's the name of the bread that um is just white like king's meal like

Speaker 1 mighty white

Speaker 1 no i think that's like a i think that might be a neo-nazi thing sorry that's it there is a bread called mighty white but i'm interested to know if it's still going because i don't support reform it does sound like something written on a st george's cross yeah no actually a georgian a georgian cross yeah yeah they don't even know which one which one's which

Speaker 1 yeah that old yeah that old chest as soon as i said mighty white and i saw the look on your face i was like i know where this is

Speaker 1 i was like oh

Speaker 1 right wig i've got him

Speaker 4 um so yeah i think that i just look i'll be honest with you i've earned enough to eat small plates and i'm never full and it's not actually the food that makes me happy like my my best food discovery recently was um these biscuits called dove farm and it looks posh but actually actually it's just a digestive that feels like before jamie oliver ruined everything

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 with sugar tax here we go this is this is the proper

Speaker 1 we've touched on ways that the uk are divided and i think one of the main ways is people who think what Jamie Oliver did is appalling. Well, you think Jerry Grice is not appalling?

Speaker 1 All of that stuff, fine, but the

Speaker 1 stopping kids eating shit was good, I think.

Speaker 4 But that's what you're meant to do when you're a kid.

Speaker 1 So you're meant to. Do you visit a school where one of the kids was so ill they were shitting out their mouths?

Speaker 4 Your teeth fall out for a reason.

Speaker 1 You want kids to shit out their mouths, Joy?

Speaker 4 I shit out my mouth every day without shite that comes out of mine.

Speaker 4 Still survive.

Speaker 4 What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, sugar tack. So how do you get it?

Speaker 1 So like sweet digestives. Yeah.
Dove farm.

Speaker 4 Yeah, just something else. Like you take a bite and you're transported to, well, at least for me, what I would have been, I was born in 98, so what age would I have been in nursery?

Speaker 4 Like, how old are you in nursery three?

Speaker 4 You sound like you have kids.

Speaker 1 No, I don't. I'm just tired.

Speaker 4 You just care.

Speaker 1 Just generally tired.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I just don't want, I don't have kids. I just don't want other kids to shit out of their mouths.
Right, yeah.

Speaker 1 So the thing that tipped you off that Ed might have kids is because he thought it was good to make sure kids get a healthy diet. Yeah.
And he must have kids later. Passing down.

Speaker 1 was. Passing, though.
Yeah. Doesn't want kids.
George, you're better than all of us, we know.

Speaker 4 So, yeah, like any food that transports me to when I was a kid in a good way, just makes me feel really happy. I know that's a basic thing to say.

Speaker 1 No, it was great.

Speaker 4 Like barties. I used to have botties before I did Irish dancing competitions.

Speaker 1 How did that affect the dancing? Yeah.

Speaker 4 I think that's where I

Speaker 4 think it's potentially how I got IBS.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Irish Bowel syndrome. Yeah.
Irish Butty Syndrome. Sorry.
I was so close. So close.

Speaker 4 Just as good as each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Irish butty syndrome is better than Irish Bowel syndrome.

Speaker 4 Irish Bright Syndrome is a real problem for me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you think that was having the

Speaker 1 butty before the dance conference?

Speaker 4 Which was just the thing that my dad was like, you just have to do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, so it was encouraged.
Yeah. He was encouraged.

Speaker 4 He was like, look, you're really nervous. And what will get rid of the nerves is some Richmond sausages with some white bread.
Yeah. Kerry God.

Speaker 4 I know that you have got your little thing with an anchor, anchor, but I just, I have a love for Kerry Gold.

Speaker 1 As you should, it's a big thing on the podcast when we've had Irish guests on, they often shout out Kerry Gold at some point during the episode. Yeah.
So I'm glad you've done it as well. Thanks.

Speaker 1 I think that sounds delicious. On the way here, I saw an advert for Iberico, which I haven't, I didn't know that it was like a brand

Speaker 1 all by itself. It just said Iberico.

Speaker 4 And there was this guy like Jose Martinez.

Speaker 1 There's a guy holding up a bit of Iberico like that to the camera.

Speaker 4 Was it Pep Guardiola?

Speaker 1 Maybe. Maybe it was Pep.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Things have gone downhill, so I have to start selling the Ubericos. I've been shifting ham.

Speaker 1 See, I don't know what Pep looks like. I know enough about football to know that he is a manager, maybe, of Man City.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and he used to be a model.

Speaker 1 Okay, I didn't know that. Yeah.
And now he's a ham model. Yeah.
Potentially.

Speaker 4 Ham model. He sells ham.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I'd love to be a ham model. I'd love to be a hand model, yeah.

Speaker 4 Hand or ham?

Speaker 1 Both, I think. I guess you've got to hold the ham.
What kind of ham, though?

Speaker 4 You obviously know what ham I would have, but I'm a big Iberico guy as well.

Speaker 1 Okay, I absolutely love Iberico. And there is a place right down there on the corner, the Jose Place.
It's really good stuff.

Speaker 4 They're belotta. That means that they're fed with acorns.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you can taste it as well. Yeah.
Can you? Yeah, you can.

Speaker 1 It's a nutty flavour, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
What are you putting in the sandwich? So you've got the kerrygold

Speaker 4 richman.

Speaker 4 Well, if you're going to be flavourful, like ketchup and a little bit of sriracha, or just ketchup. Yeah.

Speaker 4 your main course i had a really like this was a nightmare for me because i was stuck between the two so i'm kind of like

Speaker 4 you have to let me get away with this okay

Speaker 4 all right so the main course and side dish i kind of have to work together because that's the only way we're going to let this happen but basically The first thing I thought of when I heard main course was spaghetti bolognese.

Speaker 4 I'm just going to be honest, I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for that.

Speaker 4 I know it's like having, it's like a Velcro moment, you know, it makes you feel uncomfortable, but we all know the feeling, you know? And that's what spaghetti bononese is for me.

Speaker 1 Are we going to ask questions? Well, I don't know because when Joy says stuff like this, we have questions, but when we ask them, I feel like...

Speaker 1 I know what you're going to say.

Speaker 1 I feel like

Speaker 1 we're seen as silly for not understanding. Being idiots for not understanding understanding Velcro moment.

Speaker 1 And like, I mean, there's a lot of things along the way that I'm just like, I don't think you'll get any shit for saying spaghetti bolognese. Pretty much everyone loves spaghetti bolognese.

Speaker 1 But then like,

Speaker 1 it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's like a Velcro moment.
And I don't know what that means about spaghetti bolognese at all.

Speaker 4 Because like, okay, it just made sense in my brain, but basically, I turned 27 recently and I asked for a fry tag bag because they're like really durable and like

Speaker 4 you could literally like, you know, be in the worst weather ever and it would be fine. It won't get damaged.
And I really like practical things. It might be a potential gay thing.
I don't know.

Speaker 4 But being 27 and having Velcro is really,

Speaker 4 it's really humbling because we've all been there, right? We've all had Velcro shoes or like Velcro something because there was a time we couldn't. tie things up.

Speaker 4 So there's something really warming and like nice about it and nostalgic. But at the same time, I just feel like a wallad on the tube when I'm trying to get my fucking lip liner out.
And there's just,

Speaker 4 you know, 27 trying to like maybe do some dodgy eye contact with someone on the tube, and then the next thing you know, the Velcro happens.

Speaker 4 And although it's a familiar feeling, it's nonetheless an embarrassing one, and that's how I feel about spaghetti wall and age.

Speaker 1 That's absolutely perfect. I completely understand now, James.
No, come on, James. Come on, James.

Speaker 1 It's nostalgic, it makes you feel good,

Speaker 1 but from the outside perspective, it's quite sort of remedial and childish.

Speaker 1 Yes?

Speaker 1 Yes. Okay.
Yes? Okay. It's not often.
Normally, it has to. Yes, this is what I was about to say.
Normally, I have to translate what James has said to the guest.

Speaker 1 This is the first time I've had to do it the other way around. Cool.
But it's nice to know I can always be the middleman in every situation. Yeah.
Well done, man. I feel good.

Speaker 1 I understand both of you.

Speaker 4 You're smashing it. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Okay, got you.

Speaker 1 Do you? I think so. Yes.

Speaker 1 The confusing thing about the Velcro thing was the fact that you're 20 was using the 27 thing. So I was like, that's so young.
But I felt like you were using it like 27 was not.

Speaker 1 But it's old for Velcro.

Speaker 4 It's old for Velcro. Yeah.
Yes. I'm not going to sit here and play my tiny violin.
I left it at home.

Speaker 4 I did buy one.

Speaker 1 A tiny violin. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How small are we talking?

Speaker 4 It's this big. Yeah.
So like, what's that?

Speaker 1 Like small? Yeah, it's small.

Speaker 4 And then it comes with a bow and it has this little button on it because it's battery-powered.

Speaker 4 And if you music and unplugged, yeah, you can literally press down on the button bit, but that's where the bow would go, and it plays a tiny little sad tune.

Speaker 1 That's good. Is it sometimes when you're recording music and you have like novel things like that around?

Speaker 1 Because they're so novel, do you really hope it'll work on the song? Is it really gutting if you do record them and sit back and go, that's not it?

Speaker 4 You can't make it work though, because you can manipulate it afterwards, can't you? Okay, that you could change the pitch and make it work. but I just like it because my mates

Speaker 4 just all my boyfriend who start gabbing on about something I just get the tiny violin out

Speaker 1 press it down like that

Speaker 4 yeah and he wonders how he's ever going to spoon me again

Speaker 1 that's what he's wondering is it I think so yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 Is the spaghetti bolognese homemade?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it has to be. It could be made by like a nona, but like I feel like a nona would be just cussing me out and I just don't want to be cussed by an auntie.

Speaker 4 And I think if we're having this dream restaurant, I don't think genies are going to allow any kind of cussing. We're just like angry, like angry auntie energy.
I could deal with like a funny auntie.

Speaker 4 Yeah. You know, one that kind of smokes in the kitchen type of thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's cool. That's cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 So I think an auntie that smokes in the kitchen. Is cooking.
And it's kind of a little bit fit in like a way where like when you're in your 20s, you're a big problem.

Speaker 1 You can see the history in the eyes.

Speaker 4 yeah yeah yeah yeah still a little sparkle yeah i have an italian name i came up with yeah i have like an italian altar you go my italian name is johncena john cena

Speaker 1 you're not pronouncing it right so

Speaker 1 your italian name is john cena

Speaker 1 yeah yeah

Speaker 4 and is that where you've got it from by accident yeah i said it out loud and then my boyfriend said the exact same thing he said john Cena. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh,

Speaker 4 well, that's it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're glad to see me.

Speaker 4 So there's auntie in the kitchen that smokes rags and is a little bit fit. Her name is John Cena.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. And is it, if you look closely, is it clearly John Cena wearing a wig? Yes.
Yeah. Yes, it is.
Good on him. Yeah.
Yeah, good for him.

Speaker 4 So that's what we'll have for mains. Oh, you and you get, and we actually have a refill station, but it's just for Parmesan.

Speaker 1 Okay. You like a lot of Parmesan on there?

Speaker 4 And you want to keep refreshing it as you're going along, as well so i don't like when everyone puts it all at the top what i think you need to have is the little tub and then layer that layer go in for the next layer

Speaker 1 yeah great that's how i do it when you say refill station i'm imagining like a drinks yeah exactly that

Speaker 4 but then it's just like dandruffy fucking yeah

Speaker 4 yeah also the parmesan isn't going to be like them weird shaved ones it's going to be like like that needs head and shoulders type of parmesan yeah like really really

Speaker 1 psoriasisy But proper parmesan, like just grated heavily. Yeah, just grated heavily.
Not like shit parmesan. No, no, no, it's not shit.

Speaker 4 It's like whatever. What's the posh one called? Like

Speaker 1 Granapadano.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's the cheap one. I didn't realise.
I always thought I was doing a solid by buying that.

Speaker 1 And it was cheap.

Speaker 1 Sorry with fucking Parmesan.

Speaker 4 It's B-tech Parmesan.

Speaker 1 What's the posh Parmesan called, Benito? Holco Hagano?

Speaker 1 Holco Hagano.

Speaker 1 It's called that. Stony or Cold.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Yeah, I put parmigiano regggiano, surely.

Speaker 4 Parmigiano, Reggiano. Yeah.
Sounds made up, doesn't it?

Speaker 1 It does sound made up, but I always sing it in my head.

Speaker 4 But it's like a big one, like one of them big wheels that's like the colour, the right colour.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen him crack the wheel?

Speaker 3 Excuse me?

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen him crack the wheel?

Speaker 4 I've never seen anyone crack the wheel.

Speaker 1 A fresh wheel, completely covered, and then they have to put in like spikes at the side. And then they like tap the spikes in and then you hear a crack.

Speaker 4 Oh, it's that heart.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like a loud crack and the whole thing lifts off.

Speaker 4 That's really interesting. I've never heard of that.
I will watch that on YouTube.

Speaker 1 It's good, it's satisfying. I've seen it happen live, and it's a wonderful experience.

Speaker 4 I wonder if there's like an omen for that.

Speaker 1 An omen?

Speaker 4 Like if you crack a, you know, like we should come up with a proverb, like an Italian one.

Speaker 4 Like, yeah, oh, yeah, you never really know him till he cracks a wheel.

Speaker 1 Until he cracks a wheel.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that works. That's a good one.
Thanks. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Which one would you do?

Speaker 1 I'm not sure I could improve on that, Joy. Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean...

Speaker 1 You smashed it. You got it first time, I think.
Yeah, sometimes you just got to admit. You just get it first time.
Nothing but net, I think. Nothing but net.
That's my one. I've come up with that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Nothing but nets. Yeah, that's me.

Speaker 4 Net worth or like...

Speaker 1 Yeah, nothing but net worth.

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Speaker 1 Hey, audiobook lovers.

Speaker 10 This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with musician, producer, and walking encyclopedia, Quest Love.

Speaker 9 We're talking about Mark Ronson's memoir, Night People, How to Be a DJ in 90s New York City. All right, like we talked about before, Mark Ronson found sanctuary in the DJ booth.

Speaker 10 What's a tool or piece of equipment in the studio or on stage that gives you the most control?

Speaker 8 So I have two microphones on stage.

Speaker 8 We have the microphone that you hear as the audience. Then we have a second microphone in which we communicate with each other.
I feel like that second microphone kind of saved all of our friendships.

Speaker 8 No band likes each other after 20 years or 25 years. Like the Beatles broke up in seven and a half years, and we're going on 35.

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Speaker 1 Side dish.

Speaker 4 So, this was actually really difficult because this was what I was battling with Maine. But because this is my restaurant, I could do whatever the fuck I want.
Or my menu could do what I want. So,

Speaker 4 my favorite Bangladeshi food in the world is called burdha, which is like pastes made of anything of your liking. But every paste is dedicated to a like main ingredient.

Speaker 4 So, you can have like a prawn border, you can can have an okra, you can have like classic ones like a lentil or a potato bodha, but every single

Speaker 4 rules of bodhda is it's made with garlic, onion, sometimes not garlic, because sometimes it is just all freshly ground ingredients. And there's always mustard oil in it.

Speaker 4 So it has like a really strong, like petroll-y taste.

Speaker 4 And the usual thing that people do is you either roll it up into a ball and have all these different colours in front of you and you just pick at them and eat them with white rice.

Speaker 4 Or some of them are a bit more like my mum makes a tomato one, so it's quite runny. But it's like, it's literally like almost like salsas, but all these things made of really intense flavours.

Speaker 4 Or you bring out the most intense tea of a flavour. So I love prawn, but it isn't like the strongest flavor ever.

Speaker 4 But when you add like mustard or an onion and all these things, it's just like exploding the flavor. And you eat it with your hands.

Speaker 4 So you have to like take it and like crump it into a kind of ball with white rice. and it's just like the best thing ever.
I think.

Speaker 4 So, that would be the side.

Speaker 1 So, they're things to go alongside specific ingredients rather than having the ingredients in them.

Speaker 1 So, the prawn one doesn't have prawn in it, you would just have no, it has prawn in it, it has prawn in it, okay, yeah.

Speaker 4 And it's interesting because you can make it in loads of different ways.

Speaker 4 But my mum like usually boils the prawn, yeah, and you get really good prawns because once you boil them strangely, they have like so much more flavor, and then um, you you kind of like really finely chop it or you ground it, yeah, nice, and you want so much you want a homemade one of these as well, yeah, Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But not by John Cerner.

Speaker 1 No, John Cena.

Speaker 1 John Cena does not know how to do this. No.

Speaker 4 It would probably be my mum, to be honest, but like my mum on a good day.

Speaker 1 What's going to happen on a bad day?

Speaker 4 I just feel like, I feel like someone, so there is someone that wrote a book about this, but when people cook when they're mad, you can taste it, I think.

Speaker 1 That's interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I really can taste it. My mum's a chef, but like, basically, it's really complicated to explain my mum's chefing because she's not gone to culinary school.

Speaker 4 But my my mum's like one of those weird people that is like pitch perfect in food so she can taste food and completely make the same thing for any cuisine wow it's really weird and she's cooked since i think she's way too young like i think she might have been cooking for a family when she's like seven or something um and her dad died really young so she had three brothers that were all fucking useless that she cooked for um and she was the youngest so her cooking is just like people come from bangladesh to my mum's house in west london to eat her bangladeshi food because she makes it better than most people in bangladesh but they have to call her head and check to see if she's in a good mood or not i don't know if they check that but she's like they're so happy to see her and she's so happy to see them and it's fine but obviously daughter mum relationship is a bit different sure yeah so what's the difference in taste would you say don't know it just doesn't slap the same way yeah yeah like there's just like or actually one time we got in an argument when i was young and she said oh do you want a carbonara and i was like yeah yeah i'd love one actually and then she cut up nag naga chili and put it all over the carbonara yeah you can tell that one yeah

Speaker 1 she was in a bad mood

Speaker 4 well no like also the whole thing is like with carbonara you won't you won't expect that it's spicy so yeah it's the not knowing if it was a curry i'd be like oh no this one's going to be spicy but it's the fact that it was a fucking carbonara you know the blood that's like daylight robbery yeah yeah you know and then that's like the louvre just happening on a plate yeah yeah um and she's gone and put the fucking naga all over it and then i've started crying then i got a pint of milk and drank it.

Speaker 1 And then I threw up everywhere.

Speaker 4 Because I don't know if you've ever dabbled in naga chili, but it's not a joke.

Speaker 1 I've dabbled. I've dabbled.
I've not had as much as it sounds like was on that unexpectedly as well.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Because you just cut in small bits.
If you bite into even the smallest amount, you're finished. That's you.
Finito for about two days. Forget it.
Forget everything.

Speaker 4 Every hole broken.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Every hole broken.
See, if that was a song title, it'd sound poetic. Yeah.
Yeah. But it's not.
not. Every hole, bro.
It's broken. Yeah, yeah.
Every hole? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Years. Your ears would be broken too, because your sinuses are fucked after you have that much shit in your ears.
Like, just everything like

Speaker 4 your equestrian tubes or whatever they're called, equestrian or whatever.

Speaker 1 Equestrian tubes.

Speaker 1 Stick it in the book. If you're listening, stick it in the book.
That's what all my mates did.

Speaker 4 They're texting. Like, she said, not a fucking shout out.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, this episode's going to be a fucking field, Dave.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a whole new book. It's just for this.

Speaker 4 What are these not called? Your ubiquitous

Speaker 1 tubes. I've got no idea.

Speaker 4 You know, the tubes here.

Speaker 1 The tubes behind your ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know what they're called. I don't know.

Speaker 4 There's a tube, there's a tube name.

Speaker 1 There's a tube name, and it's really nice that you're trying to guess the tube name, but I don't think we're going to get there. Equestrian or

Speaker 1 ubiquitous, I think, are the guesses so far. If you eat the nag, even your ear holes are fucked.
Oh, yeah, it's game over. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your dream drink?

Speaker 4 Well, I think during a meal, like a vodka diet Coke and then after an old-fashioned.

Speaker 1 Okay, lovely. So why a vodka diet Coke for during the meal?

Speaker 4 Because you need a fuzzy drink.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. You need a fuzzy drink.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Like, you know, when you're thirsty and you could go for water, but you're going to go for the Coke Zero in your fridge.
Absolutely. Or Pepsi Max, actually.

Speaker 1 Forget Coke. We don't drink Coke.
No, Pepsi Max. Yeah.
Pepsi Max. At the moment as well.

Speaker 1 I get to the end of the day. I'm like, every time I was thirsty, I reached for a fizzy drink and I've not had one bit of clear liquids.

Speaker 4 I think that's why they started doing the whole like mixing sparkling water with peach. Yeah.
Because then it makes you feel like you're having a fizzy drink. But I'm not going to fall for that stuff.

Speaker 4 Hand me the vodka Diet Coke. Yeah.
And the vodka's just, you know, like, so you can continue good chit chat on the dinner table because I tend to dissociate on dinner tables.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. How come?

Speaker 4 Too much going on? Food is so good. I like to go quiet for food.
Then I feel a bit slumped. My dad always taught me: if you're ever going going to sack someone, eat a massive meal beforehand.

Speaker 1 When you're sacking someone, yeah. Yeah.
Well, you're eating a massive meal before you sack them.

Speaker 4 Yeah, because it's like being high, but without any of the actual drugs.

Speaker 1 But why is it when you're sacking someone that you want to be in that state?

Speaker 4 Because then it's so stressful to do it. Then by the time you're just eating a load of food, you're just like, no, right.

Speaker 1 What about them?

Speaker 4 And I'm breaking up with someone too. It's good.
Any difficult conversation, it's good to have a big meal before. Yeah.
My dad always said.

Speaker 1 I'd be quite, I'd be quite insulted if like someone was breaking up with me or firing me and they were all bloated and like burping out their nose.

Speaker 4 But how would you know?

Speaker 4 Burping out the nose, fine, you would know, but you wouldn't know about the bloating.

Speaker 1 They could be wearing a big jumper if they were acting like lethargic and just like, oh, okay, listen. Um,

Speaker 1 I've wanted to say this for a while, but uh,

Speaker 1 it's not working out with you, like Joshua.

Speaker 1 Like, I'd be like, what the hell? Still got a napkin tucked in, yeah, dabbing the corners of their mouth.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I wish you all all the best

Speaker 1 just a small tiny little fart

Speaker 4 and it's the type of fart where you can look down at the furniture on and be like god this is noisy yeah

Speaker 1 flavour on the furniture fart yeah yeah one of those i mean i i think actually that that i would if i was getting broken up with if i was getting dumped i would like it if during the dumping They were they audibly farted because that would make me feel like, oh, do you know what?

Speaker 1 Let's get out of here but what if farting was the idiosyncrasy that you fell in love with yeah oh that's a big wave that's a huge wave i mean do you have a problem with farting then no but like i think it would i think in the breakup yeah it would make me feel better about being broken up with because it would remind you

Speaker 1 sometimes everybody queefs sometimes everybody queefs sometimes i mean a quief is different to but like yeah uh

Speaker 1 it's a funny fart it's a fancy i'm a faith i'm aware for the for the so everybody doesn't quief but if

Speaker 1 those who have the equipment queef Yeah. Yeah.
I think it would make me, uh, it would remind me that, you know what, nobody's perfect.

Speaker 1 Because when you're, when you're getting broken up with, I think it's very easy to think, what am I going to do without this person? They're so amazing. And now I'm getting dumped.

Speaker 1 And I'm the one getting dumped. So I'm clearly the one who's all, I've got all the faults.

Speaker 1 But then when someone farts, it's not that that makes them a bad person, but it reminds me, you know, they're just a human being. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and you can't worship anyone.

Speaker 1 You can't worship anyone. Yeah.
I don't think farts would stop me worshiping someone.

Speaker 4 No, I think it would make me probably fancy them a bit more.

Speaker 1 Interesting. My wife farts, you know.
I'll put it out there. She's got

Speaker 1 Irish butty syndrome. That's an exclusive.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 But I'm sure they all smell like flowers.

Speaker 1 No, like the Labo. No, they smell awful joy.

Speaker 4 What, they're not diptyqueque farts?

Speaker 1 They're not diptyquek farts, no.

Speaker 4 That's a shame.

Speaker 1 That's a rush. If you might like the labo, we'd be in an awkward situation where I'd be like, I'm going out, come over here and fart on my neck.

Speaker 4 That's called a kink.

Speaker 1 i think i

Speaker 4 if i had to have any fart smell that i wanted in fact that looks a bit like a fart that table just an fierce

Speaker 1 fart table bino guff

Speaker 4 it does look very binot doesn't it from a bino i think my farts would smell like um maybe like heckles

Speaker 1 like you know like a margate sea moss kind of like yeah heckles yeah formerly known as heckles they're not known as heckles anymore sorry what is it what's a heckle it's a skincare brand skincare oh okay i used all my heckles stuff today i couldn't use heckles why not comedian

Speaker 1 comedian man

Speaker 1 that was very funny

Speaker 1 thank you you wouldn't last long on don't laugh don't laugh my name is joy i should never be on that second show that would be terrible i want to be on your name is also crooks maybe you'd steal the show

Speaker 4 i want to be on traitors though for that reason I want to be on the next traitors as well. Should we go on it together? Yeah, can we say, look, two for the price of one?

Speaker 1 I'm not interviewing either of you afterwards.

Speaker 4 Why?

Speaker 1 No way. Why not? Because you both, you both take conversations off in two weird directions.
Well, we're going to win.

Speaker 4 That's what life is about, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true. I think we would be chosen as the traitors.

Speaker 4 I think we'd be so good as traitors. Yeah, yeah.
I think I'd like semi-bully you so we look like we weren't on the same page when actually we're home's in those cloaks.

Speaker 1 Who would our third one be? Dream celebrity to make up the traitors. You, me,

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 4 We could get away with so much.

Speaker 1 If Jesus Christ was on the traitors, he'd be voted out straight away. He'd be banished immediately.

Speaker 4 It'd be like, look, he's all about this like

Speaker 4 higher spirit kind of thing.

Speaker 4 I don't know. I'm not buying it.
I think it's a bit performative, actually.

Speaker 1 He's a performative male.

Speaker 4 He's a performative male. And also, why is your hair that long?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 What are you hiding? You look like you're on a bush tucker trial. And for that reason, I'm voting Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 And he goes up and he goes, I am a faithful.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 he's a traitor all day long. Because they'd be going, like, obviously, production are going to make Jesus Christ a traitor.
It's good telly.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah, that is good television.
Yeah. But the BBC would get in trouble for that.
And BBC don't like any trouble.

Speaker 4 No trouble for the BBC.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kind of happens either way, doesn't it? Because they get accused of being too left and too right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The comments would all be, oh, you wouldn't make Mohammed traitor. That's what people would say, isn't it? Yeah,

Speaker 1 100%.

Speaker 1 Mohammed's just chilling out of the round table.

Speaker 1 Yeah, doing great.

Speaker 1 Doing great. Everyone's like Mohammed's leader of the faithful.
Yeah. Fucking try was.

Speaker 1 We've got to make this happen, bro. We've got to make this happen.
It's going to take a lot to make this happen, but I think we can make it happen.

Speaker 4 With AI, anything is possible.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true. Let's talk about the old-fashioned quickly before we get on to the dessert.
Because, I mean, obviously,

Speaker 1 a lovely cocktail. Is there anything for you that makes a great old-fashioned that you look for? Or you're disappointed in the future? Irish whiskey.

Speaker 4 Can't be Scottish.

Speaker 4 I need the Irish stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Is there a particular brand that you can do?

Speaker 4 I could do Jameson's, honestly. Yeah.
I'm fine with just the good old. Obviously, like people have like the Japanese thing where they're like, oh, I know about whiskey and da-da-da-da.

Speaker 4 And I'm like, it just gets you licked quicker, doesn't it? It's just even more drunky, like drunky vibes.

Speaker 4 I'm sure it's like good stuff. And obviously, like, whiskey connoisseurs will have something to say.
But are either of you whiskey connoisseurs?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I'd say bourbon in an old-fashioned though. Is that American? Yeah.
Yeah. No.
Not interested? No.

Speaker 4 Bourbon, no. I just do Jameson's nice ice cube.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Big?

Speaker 4 Are we talking big? I always test the ice cube because, you know, when they're massive, I like to see how much they've actually poured. So I'll always pull it out on the bar.
It's mad, isn't it?

Speaker 4 It's big Karen energy from me, but I just pull the ice cube out and I go, you're joking.

Speaker 1 Or I go, oh, that's nice. Because

Speaker 1 it's very rarely that much you pull it in a packet of crisp you know what I mean it's ridiculous you pull it out and you're like well I'm paying like 15 quid for this literally so have you ever pulled it out and gone top that up before I put that back in I pulled it out and just been like

Speaker 4 it's a shame isn't it

Speaker 4 how do they respond to that well I think like I think with it's a shame isn't it it doesn't sound accusatory it just sounds like our suffering is shared yeah and then they pour it yeah yeah psychologically that's more the alleyway alleyway i would go down rather than what are you doing you know because then you're accusing so then they're going to defend and then they'll probably spit in your next one whereas like they might not top up that one but then the next one you get they're like i've poured in some extra just for you yeah because i know i know how it feels that's nice i think it's easy to spot spit in an old-fashioned though i reckon you say that yeah but you just don't know

Speaker 4 just don't know they could literally like they could put it like anywhere could put it underneath the ice cube then it's hidden That's true, freeze it.

Speaker 1 Very tacky. On the ice cube.
They get the ice cube, turn it upside down, gob on it, and then put it in the drink. Literally.

Speaker 1 That's actually the best way to do it. Yeah, oh, gosh.
You've thought about this.

Speaker 1 Or just, you could just spit in the water that you're freezing to make the ice cubes and have two jars of ice cubes or big tanks of ice cubes.

Speaker 1 And one you know is the gob water that you've gobbed in all morning and the other one is the clean water.

Speaker 1 And it depends on if you like the customer or not, you give them a spit one or a clean one, yeah, that's cool, and then they're never gonna know. You don't even have to do it while you're at work.

Speaker 4 Lacing ice cubes is a pretty sick idea, to be fair. Yeah, not that I'd ever do anything like that.

Speaker 1 My friend found a fingernail in an ice cube once.

Speaker 4 That's fucking disgusting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it wasn't, he wasn't happy about it. That's oh my god, that made like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, someone's genuine fingernail.

Speaker 4 Oh, that made me feel really weird. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, audiobook lovers.

Speaker 10 This week on the podcast, podcast, I'm sitting down with musician, producer, and walking encyclopedia, Quest Love.

Speaker 9 We're talking about Mark Ronson's memoir, Night People, How to Be a DJ in 90s New York City.

Speaker 9 All right, like we talked about before, Mark Ronson found sanctuary in the DJ booth.

Speaker 10 What's a tool or piece of equipment in the studio or on stage that gives you the most control?

Speaker 8 So I have two microphones on stage.

Speaker 8 We have the microphone that you hear as the audience. Then we have a second microphone in which we communicate with each other.
I feel like that second microphone kind of saved all of our friendships.

Speaker 8 No, no band likes each other after 20 years or 25 years. Like the Beatles broke up in seven and a half years, and we're going on 35.

Speaker 1 Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Drink responsibly.

Speaker 4 Be 21.

Speaker 1 We arrive at your dream dessert.

Speaker 4 Honestly, I thought of like really like, you know, doing like a pick mix type of vibe, like obviously free because pick-a-mix should be. I mean, at least it is for me.
Last time I went to VU.

Speaker 4 You nicked it. Don't be a fed.

Speaker 1 James, I've always say this about you. Don't be a fed, man.

Speaker 1 I'd love to be a fed.

Speaker 1 You'd love to be a fed? If I got to live my life again. Yeah, I'd be a fed.
I know exactly what type of fed you'd be.

Speaker 4 I know exactly what kind of fed you'd be. You have all the like, you know, the big vest and the fucking hat and the like, oh, I'm the face.
Oh,

Speaker 4 I was wronged. And then you'd be at carnival and just be getting a duty wine from some girl.
And you'd have to do the face. You'd look like you're not actually enjoying it.

Speaker 4 But secretly, you'd be like,

Speaker 4 you'd do like the Thierry on Relaugh where he laughs.

Speaker 4 Do you ever seen that?

Speaker 1 No, but like... I definitely wouldn't be the kind of fed who goes and cracks down on carnival.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, but no one said you're cracking down on carnival you're just catching it i've just got to be there to keep wine i meant i meant to be there to keep the peace am i yeah but then you enjoy like every year there's a fed that goes viral yeah is there because he's just someone's dirty dancing on him and then someone would be like see the police are all right aren't they like no that's what they want you to think that's why they said

Speaker 1 you'd be a performative fed yeah

Speaker 1 oh no I'm worried about that.

Speaker 1 I prefer to be, I think I was thinking about the feds in like American films and stuff where they turn up and go, this is our crime scene now. Yeah, you know, and like they

Speaker 1 hand it over. I would love that.
Well, the ones who turn up and like the cops hate them because they turn up and go, We're the feds, this is our crime scene now.

Speaker 1 And like, we're just treading all over that. The protagonist cops have already made quite a good case and they're onto something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then the feds turn up and just ruin it and go, like, yeah, this is because we're their all ego. I'd like to be that kind of fed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you'd like slip on the blood, and all your trousers would fall down and stuff.

Speaker 4 I could actually see you being a shit detective, yeah, but like one that, like, one that has, you could make a show actually, and you could just pretend to be a detective, like a comedian-turned detective.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 That I would pay to see that.

Speaker 1 So, I could be that I'm a comedian, but I'm also a well, no, like you could use some of your skills from comedy to unravel crime. Oh, I see.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and like, also, because

Speaker 4 comedy, I was gonna say, comedy is so um, disarming, you could end up really getting behind behind the mind of crazy killers.

Speaker 1 I think, yeah, i i think that's they'd all feel like they were having a pint with you i think we need a different comedian because i think this is a brilliant idea joy but um i've never found my comedy to be disarming

Speaker 4 um you'd be surprised though have you ever brought it into a small room that's locked with the murderer with a man in in orange good point i haven't tried it on on

Speaker 1 anyone like that yet i find your comedy disarming in a good way like in a way that's like puts people on the back foot yeah but i can't i can't like that yeah i wouldn't say you're not disarming i'm not i I don't think you're arming.

Speaker 1 I can't get under people's skin. No, I don't think so.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but I like that. That's so good.
And that's how you get under the skin of a killer.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah, I could get under the skin of a killer.

Speaker 1 Well, I'd happily try, yeah, if anyone's listening, any like TV commissioners or anything and they want to make the show where I'm basically me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I've become a cop and I'm using my comedy skills to solve crime. So I'm up for that.
A scripted thing, or are we talking about you genuinely going to interview killers? Either one.

Speaker 1 I'll do a scripted thing, but I will also do like a, yeah, like I'm going around and doing it in real life. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I think you should do it in real life. I also think that there will be a time in your journey where someone will think that you actually are a bad dude.
So you'll get in an almost fight.

Speaker 4 But then the almost fight will be like when Robin Williams finally cracks Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting.

Speaker 1 It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Speaker 4 And the criminal will just be like, you just get it, man. And then it will be like this really compelling story.
And you'll be like, heralded as this

Speaker 4 British comedian detective hero. And we'll find it hard to like get hold of you.

Speaker 1 I won't reply to Ed anymore. Nah.
Oh, man. I long for that day.

Speaker 4 Here's your way out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You've got to do quite a lot of stuff before that can happen.
Yeah. And it has to go exactly the way Joy said it would.

Speaker 1 It has to, yeah. It does have to.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I could be like a co-writer if you want, just saying.

Speaker 1 You're the creator of this. Yeah.
you're the show writer. You'd be everything.
I mean, you know, there's nothing that you wouldn't be across, I think.

Speaker 4 We should get like a reform voter, and then you getting

Speaker 4 behind the mind of a reform voter.

Speaker 1 Someone from Mighty White.

Speaker 4 Someone from Mighty White.

Speaker 1 Mighty White. Yeah.

Speaker 4 And just you really getting to the bottom of things.

Speaker 1 I've thought about this recently because my hometown of Ketrin, which I love. Kettering.
Ketrin, yeah, in

Speaker 1 Northamptonshire.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I love it there.

Speaker 1 Well, Joy, it's currently... It doesn't love you.

Speaker 1 It's got the most flags out of anywhere at the moment.

Speaker 1 It's quite upsetting going back there.

Speaker 1 It's absolutely...

Speaker 1 Not flags of the world. Not flags of the world.
I would love to.

Speaker 4 I've got a couple Georgian flags.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, a couple of Georgian flags.

Speaker 1 It's bonkers. It looks insane.
Like, I think even...

Speaker 1 Even like the most far right of people must see Ketrin and go, that's a mess. You've got to get rid of those.
That's too many issues. Is it really that bad? It's awful.

Speaker 1 And I have thought about going to Ketwin and doing a little chat with people and filming it. I think you should.
Just trying to understand what's going on. Well, not understand.

Speaker 4 I feel like I do.

Speaker 4 Well, one of my favourite videos of that was a fellow that dressed up in a Union Jack suit and he named all of Nigel Farage's policies, but without telling the people he was speaking to that they were Nigel Farage policies.

Speaker 4 And they were just like, oh, that sounds terrible. This sounds terrible.
Oh, my God, that's awful.

Speaker 4 He tells all these things to people, and then they're like, that sounds terrible i'd never vote whoever came up with those policies and then he goes oh it's the nigel farage's policies and then they go i'm still gonna vote for you yeah yeah yeah i like it yeah yeah and then the leader of the green party does the same as well

Speaker 1 he goes to like places that are highly reform but i think as a comedian that would be sick i might chat to them or i did a few things in kept in the past and chatted to them so they you know how Nico Amalana did a video.

Speaker 1 Did you see Nico's video? Didn't see this. He went, but he like had to, he wore like basically a white mask to go and do it.
Like he was all whited up and speaking to them as if he was like,

Speaker 1 you'd have to do it, but I want you to white up as well. Man, I'd be transparent.

Speaker 1 If I'll get any whiter, I'd be a goddamn ghost.

Speaker 1 And that'd freak them the fuck out. Yeah.
It'd be nice to show them something that's too white for them. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's a really good perspective.

Speaker 1 Why'd no one ever thought of that? It's bad if we go this direction.

Speaker 4 I really like that. That's a really good idea.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 4 That's one way to resolve everything.

Speaker 1 You want everyone in England to be white? Well, bad luck. Everyone's ghosts.
Have a look at this.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to be spooked. So fuck.

Speaker 1 It's very spooky. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, I'll do that. Okay.
Thank you.

Speaker 4 Did I say the dessert? Nope.

Speaker 1 No. We've talked about before.

Speaker 1 To be honest, I think all three of us are quite restrained.

Speaker 1 When you say, why do you like vodka diet?

Speaker 4 This is why.

Speaker 4 This is why.

Speaker 4 So for me, dessert is sprinkled cake and custards. Nice.
And that is the biggest fuck you to Jamie Oliver I can think of, apart from Turkey Twisters.

Speaker 1 He's getting it in the neck again, Oliver. So like school dinners, sprinkle cake and custard.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Custard with the skin on that they have to just like drill through with a big spoon.

Speaker 4 No, not with the skin on.

Speaker 1 Well, that's what it was like at school though, right?

Speaker 4 No, I don't know about your school, but my school's a little bit better than that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 pink custard did you have the pink custard no i've had it before yeah it was like custard angel or something i think it was called but no i just like the normal ambrosia one yeah but yeah for me sprinkle cake and custard i would like to say something way posher and a souffle with a koolae with a whatever the fucking words I have to use Google Translate every time I go into a restaurant these days it's like what yeah and for me sprinkle cake and custard it just makes my soul happy and reminds me who I am and that's the shit that I loved growing up it's great this is basically I think the only time we've ever kicked a guest out of the dream restaurant for saying the secret ingredient was Jade Adams for basically picking this.

Speaker 1 So it's great that you've picked it and Jade will have to like deal with the fact that someone else got to go on the podcast, have her dream dessert and didn't get kicked out.

Speaker 1 And that will be like probably annoy her even more.

Speaker 4 I just think in this time it would look bad on you guys to kick me out. We're not going to kick you out.

Speaker 1 It's not the secret ingredient for your one, so it's fine. Also, what you said, you said, I don't want anything posh.
I just want the sprinkle cake and custard.

Speaker 1 I don't want souffle or kool-a, whatever.

Speaker 4 I have to use Google Translate every time I go into a restaurant i think you could go to a reform march you'd probably get on with those guys i really hate you for saying that because i knew it sounded like that when i said a google translate bit got you but um if you're listening i'm not white

Speaker 1 it's really important to know you're right just if you're just a listener

Speaker 1 We should cut that out and put it at the beginning.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. Put it at the beginning so people know.

Speaker 4 I know, I think you should just cut up everything we said today, like Mighty White,

Speaker 4 Richmond Sausage, and Lycra. Yeah, just like add one like sexual thing because that's always good for you know, like rage, clickbaiting.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, and then like just Google translating every da da da, yeah, catering.

Speaker 4 I love kettering, yeah, and like just all those things I've said that could be like misconstrued as me being a reform voter, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 and just take it from there and do that as the trailer, like the big trailer too,

Speaker 1 yeah, exactly.

Speaker 4 But just like anytime my face is wandered off, just get that face.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can do one right now.

Speaker 4 I love sprinkle cake and custard.

Speaker 1 thank you for getting us back on track no i just thought about it it just makes me so happy temperature wise how hot

Speaker 1 lukewarm lukewarm both the cake and the custard or just the custard i don't think you can have lukewarm sprinkle cake because unless because then the sprinkle the icing will melt That's true, but you could have a little bit of melting if you put it in the microwave.

Speaker 4 I don't want it to melt though. No.
I don't mind if the cake is warm, but I don't want the sprinkle.

Speaker 4 I don't like the idea of that because then it's just like icing, custard, but I never said I wanted that. I wanted icing, just normal, thick, normal icing.
Just like the normal.

Speaker 1 When the colour of the sprinkles bleeds into the icing because it's got a bit too warm, I'm not into that.

Speaker 4 I can work with that.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry that that triggers you.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Just trying to help with what you were saying. Absolutely love it.
That's great. Oh, no, I don't like that.

Speaker 1 Jim's like, great. Found some common ground here with Joy.

Speaker 4 I went full contrarian.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you were like, yeah, really pulled the colour.
I really don't like the thought of the warm sprinkle cake. I really don't like that.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 well, I'm sorry that that trip.

Speaker 1 What the fuck just happened to me?

Speaker 1 Trying to emphasize.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 It's all right.

Speaker 1 It's okay. I feel like I've been burnt.
Someone's been burnt to my face.

Speaker 1 Major menu, back to you now. See how you feel about it, Joy.
Here we go. Vicky Catalan.
for your water. You want pop-doms and soda bread? Starter.

Speaker 1 Iberico and a Richmond sausage butty with Kerry Gold butter, ketchup, and sriracha. Main course.

Speaker 1 What is that? Is that an iPad? Huh?

Speaker 4 That's an iPad.

Speaker 1 No, it's your menu written down. Okay.
We wrote it down before.

Speaker 4 In my head, I was thinking, how in the bomb seed has he managed to do that?

Speaker 1 But okay.

Speaker 1 You had gone somewhere else there when the menu was being read back to you. Yeah, suddenly.
You went very serious. You went very, very serious and you were sitting as still as possible.

Speaker 4 I'm a complex woman.

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 as we're noticing

Speaker 4 be careful

Speaker 1 homemade spaghetti bolognettes with a parmesan reefel stay who's made who's making it yeah made by uh

Speaker 1 trying to remember that one john cena's making it yeah john sena side dish homemade border by your mum yeah

Speaker 4 bora on a good day

Speaker 1 by mum on a good day on a good day

Speaker 1 drink vodka pepsi max and afterwards an old-fashioned yeah dessert, sprinkle cake, and lukewarm custard. Yeah, feels good.

Speaker 4 Feels amazing.

Speaker 1 It's a really good menu. It is good.
There's nothing on that I wouldn't want to eat. In fact, I want to eat all that.
Joy, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Joy Crooks. Am I getting kicked out? Well, it's still kicked out in the middle.
You've had your meal.

Speaker 4 I know, but I just want this, I want this day to last forever.

Speaker 1 Well, there we are, James. Joy Crooks.
Such a delight. Yes.
And we mentioned it in the episode that I then had to translate what the guest was saying to you. Huge, huge moment in the podcast.

Speaker 1 She outweirded you, man. She outweirded me.
And I didn't expect it. Having seen Joy live, I'm always like, wow, this person is wise beyond their years.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And so, like,

Speaker 1 they just got it all together, man. And I think both of those things are still true.
Yes. But on top of that, I got outweirded.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Also, I think there should be a new regular section on the podcast. Joy Crooks attempts to explain Gen Z terminology to Ed and James.
Yeah. This is where

Speaker 1 we just got to accept that we're old. I've accepted that ages.
And the challenge is, is that we don't become like other comics. and just complain about all these young'uns coming through.

Speaker 1 We've just got to take our roasting, man. Take our roasting.
We've got to be roasted for the rest of time now. We only get to continue being in this biz if we become the butt of the joke.

Speaker 1 we don't understand anything anymore no no no no all the terms come from a bit of the internet that i'm not privy to yes oh and

Speaker 1 i can't i can't navigate it bonito's frowning at me like he doesn't know what i mean not the dark web not the dark web benito you he's even older than us look at yeah look at him he's saying dark web he thinks the dark web's real the dark the dark web is real no no no no he's you're thinking of tick tock ah yes that's the dark web yeah well thank you very much to joy i enjoyed that conversation very much.

Speaker 1 Grinning like an absolute goon I was throughout that.

Speaker 1 Goon means something different now. I learned that.
Oh, does it? Yeah, goona. Oh, like an Arsenal fan? No.

Speaker 1 It means someone who habitually masturbates. What the hell? I've got to be careful what I say in the world

Speaker 1 because I might be saying I habitually masturbate. Not that I'd call myself a goona.
I'm not an Arsenal fan, but like I might say if you met Romesh, he's a goona.

Speaker 1 And people would be like, what the hell? Yeah. That's front page news.
Yeah. And you'd be like, he's also an Arsenal fan.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But Arsenal fan point means obsessed with arses or something.

Speaker 1 All these perverted corners of the internet. It's probably true.
Romesh is a fan of the football team Arsenal. He loves a badonka donk and he's a dirty little wanker.

Speaker 1 Joy's album Juniper is out now. So make sure you listen to that.
Joy is also going on tour and goes through November. and then into December, the Juniper tour.

Speaker 1 So go and check that out if you're around or if these dates make sense. UK, Europe.
Joy did not say Almond's Joy, James, or indeed Almond. We couldn't even get her on that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I suppose every Almond is Almond Joy to Joy Crookes. That's a thinker.
Yeah, that's a thinker. He's one of the leading philosophical minds

Speaker 1 in the UK today, Ed Gamble. And thank you for that.
This will be on YouTube tomorrow. Yes.

Speaker 1 You get to see me and James being occasionally baffled. You see what we look like when we're thinking to ourselves, I'm old now.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I always look, I always, I'm always thinking that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, this is me just finally accepting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, it's over for me.

Speaker 1 If you look at my eyes during this video, I'm just thinking, it's over. No, no, it's not over, man.
It's just a whole new chapter. That's a good way of looking at it.
Yeah. That's nice.

Speaker 1 Plus, there's things, there's things that Gen Z don't know that we talk about. Like what? All our terms.
What terms? Hmm.

Speaker 1 Dial-up. Howdily-doodly? Okaley-dokaly? Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Flanders. Dial-up.
Flanders. No, Flanders.
Big thank you to Toast for booking our guest today. Buddy, if you've got any more people you want to send our way.

Speaker 1 No, we know who Toast wants to send our way. The ball.
The postie. The bone.

Speaker 1 Today on the podcast, we're interviewing walkies.

Speaker 1 Just a lead on a chair.

Speaker 1 But we can't ever say the guest's name. We have to spell it out.

Speaker 1 If toast there, it gets excited. Walkies, you've got a hard out.
You've only got 20 minutes. And if you ask any of these questions, they're going to walk.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kick about they said the secret ingredient.

Speaker 1 I'm taking him away. Take him away.
Secret secret ingredient.

Speaker 1 What the secret ingredient be for walkies? Running, I guess. Yeah, right.
Jog. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Coming off the lead. Coming off the lead.
Gonna let him off the lead.

Speaker 1 That's a big moment with a dog. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you very much to Joy. Go and listen to Juniper.
We'll see you again next week. Bye-bye.
Goodbye.

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Speaker 1 Hello, I'm Lucy Beaumont and I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact.

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Speaker 12 I don't think people know that.

Speaker 4 I emailed a hundred Derek's.

Speaker 1 I don't think it was Derek's. I thought it was Brian.
I'm so surprised. Yeah, Lucy emailed every Brian on Facebook.

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