A Content Carol with Miserable Pablo Torre

Welcome to Pablo Torre finds out.

I am Pablo Torre and today we're going to find out what this sound is.

Probably you got interesting dancing skills.

Did you guys know?

You shut the f ⁇ up.

I just said interesting.

Whatever you're about to say next, shut up right after this ad.

You're listening to Giraffe Kings Network.

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T'was the night before Christmas, and all through these mansions, not a creature was stirring, not even David Sampson.

But in the Metal Arc studio, where podcasts are made,

Pablo Torre is still up,

even though it is late.

He's not doing the things he usually does from his chair, talking about Harvard and how he went there.

No, this time it's quiet across all podcast land.

There's no Katie, no Dominique, no Mina or Dan.

So Pablo is worried.

That's why his huge calves are shaking.

How will he make content without resorting to hot taking?

You can see this, by the way, including each little smirk.

If you're watching on YouTube or the DraftKings network,

for one look reveals that Pablo is existentially stuck

as he deeply furrows his brow and screams the word,

f

He knows time's running out and he's got to get moving.

Because if you're not making more show,

then what are you even doing?

He looks for an answer.

He even starts praying.

God, am I really this miserable?

Like Larsa Pippin was saying?

Which reminds me, one sec, just a quick break from this all.

Now I must tell you about a spray for your balls.

Yes, this poem is sponsored by a proprietary tingle.

When your chestnuts are roasted, this will make your bells jingle.

Anyway, where was I?

Ah, yes, that whole existential thing.

Pablo's answer is always yes, for content is king.

But now two sources are saying,

That's not what the season's about.

So it looks like it's time for Pablo Torre

to find out.

If you're looking to add something special to your next celebration, try Remy Martin 1738 Accord Royale.

This smooth, flavorful cognac is crafted from the finest grapes and aged to perfection, giving you rich notes of oak and caramel with every sip.

Whether you're celebrating a big win or simply enjoying some cocktails with family and friends, Remy Martin 1738 is the perfect spirit to elevate any occasion.

So go ahead, treat yourself to a little luxury, and try Remy Martin 1738 Accord Royale.

Learn more at remymartin.com.

Remy Martin Cognac, Veen Champain, 14 alcoholic volume, 40 by Remy Control, USA, Incorporated, Europe, York, 1738, Centaur Design.

Please drink responsibly.

So I usually know what's happening on my own show.

You don't.

This is a holiday.

Look at this.

It's clear what's happening.

What do you mean you don't know what's happening?

So if you are, in fact, not yet watching on YouTube or the DraftKings Network, you should know

that this studio looks like it has never looked before.

It is full of holiday cheer.

It looks incredible.

By that, that I mean there's snow behind you.

There's snow behind me.

We're both, I did consent to dressing festively.

I did as well, but only under the premise that I could wear a heat culture hoodie.

I want to point out my favorite decoration, which I'm just really noticing in full right now, is that on my microphone, there is an elf of ambiguous ethnic origin.

I think this is supposed to be me.

The calves are not nearly big enough.

Calves not big enough.

Way more vitamin D this this elf has.

But I've been told, Cortez, the reason that we're doing this is because apparently Christmas is coming up and I have been

nose to the podcast grindstone to the extent that people around this office are concerned that I don't understand the meaning of Christmas.

You don't.

And that you apparently

do.

Christmas is different to every person, though.

That's what you need to understand.

So I'm going to give you what my version of Christmas is.

What I'm about to find out today is Ryan Cortez's Guide to Christmas.

That's right.

What is your Christmas like?

My Christmas is entirely about reality television.

It's all I care about.

I don't want to see your stupid gingerbread houses and all this bullshit, Santa Claus and elves and I don't get on care.

I'll have the Miami Heat big screen, okay?

And then four other screens, potentially, reality TV.

That's what's going on.

It's like simultaneously.

Yeah, potentially, potentially.

Just like minority report.

Yeah, like game footage, just studying the tape, nose to the grindstone, just like you.

Which, by the way, what is your background with reality TV?

Okay, have you seen catfish?

Like, what have you seen?

I know virtually nothing about, I think, the reality television that you adore.

So my wife, Liz, will watch The Real Housewives.

That's her guilty pleasure.

When she does that.

What city does she watch?

What are the choices?

Wow, you don't even know?

What is terrible?

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Potomac, Atlanta, Miami, Dallas, Dubai.

I can't tell if these are fake.

Not a single one of those is fake.

What are you talking about?

I didn't realize that there was

a global operation of housewives.

Well, look, the thing is, we need to get to what I'm going to change for you because what you're watching on TV is stupid.

Okay.

It's not good.

And I'm going to give you stuff to watch that is better.

So you're going to give me the top five reality TV shows that you must watch over Christmas break instead of indulging in stupid Christmas.

So you have five.

The thing is, I do not like rules.

You don't say.

I'm not giving you a top.

I'll give you however many I want.

So we're going to start with an OLI, the outside looking in.

These are shows that didn't make my cut of top five reality shows, but they're still good shows that you should check out.

So on the outside looking in are these reality programs.

That's right.

I'll give them to you quickly.

These better be holiday spirited.

Number one, summer house and winter house.

Okay, same type of show.

One's in the summer, one's in the winter.

They pack a bunch of people into a house for like two weeks.

They get drunk, they hook up with each other, they fight, and they air it across like 10 episodes.

It's incredible.

I'm a UK nine.

Just trying to hang out in my Wang Out.

Oh my God.

ALP.

ALP.

What is the difference between summer house and winter house?

I just told you, one's summer, one's winter.

That's it.

One time they go in the pool, one time they go in hot tub, and it's cold outside.

The only difference is that sometimes it's a hot tub, and sometimes it's a pool.

It's a pool, they're both excellent.

I recommend Summerhouse and Winter House.

Number two, Love is Blind.

People may have heard of Love is Blind.

Wow, that didn't make your top five.

I hear you talk about Love is Blind, a show I've never seen all of the time.

Which speaks to how much this OLI is still important.

And Love is Blind is a very interesting show.

It's been on Netflix.

The premise there: Love is blind.

You can't see the person that you're talking to.

And it's, you know, you're supposed to see, do you really love the person?

If you take away physical attraction, that's the experiment.

I love buying clothes for girls yeah what's their size

would you like working out yeah not a huge fan really yep oh i get along best with individuals that do work out

how old are you 33.

i prefer dating younger

how old are you i'm 32.

there's a very bizarre sincerity to how much you are like into whether these people like have true feelings for each other.

Oh, I don't give a f if they like each other.

I'm interested in

watching everything go haywire, which it always does.

You're not here for the love.

No, that's why I don't watch like Golden Bachelor.

This is too soft for me.

I want chaos.

That's what I'm looking for.

I want fights.

I want sadness and drama.

That's what I'm looking for because I'm sicko.

I agree with that part.

Okay.

Selling sunset is number three on the OLI.

OLIs are there?

As many as I feel like.

Selling Sunset is about these two short kings.

Shout out to the short kings.

And they're like dating these like giant women and they're like running all of LA real estate.

And the women are incredible.

They are the realtors and they're selling all the houses.

Just to be clear.

It's incredible.

Your lead story for Selling Sunset is that they're short kings.

Is that short guys date tall?

Short kings, bro.

Short kings for life.

So, Chris,

good luck at the Oppenheim group.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Thank you.

I don't want to say it, but you're going to need it.

Okay.

Dang, girl.

The show is excellent.

You get to see like these incredible houses.

Getting dumber.

No, dude, you get to see

$70 million houses.

It's absolutely incredible.

All right, last on the OLI list: Indian matchmaking.

Indian matchmaking.

Indian matchmaking goes hard.

And they'll go to like this oracle, this woman.

And what she does is she reads faces.

That's what she does.

She'll look at your face and be like, nah, he's a liar.

He's a match for you.

Yada, yada, yada.

She just looks at faces.

She never gets anything right.

At the end of the season, they're like, she went over four.

Season two, she went over five.

matchmaking has become a tough job but I'm trying my best

so far I am really love

and you love it and I am prophesizing that you're a moron

I have spent a lot of time watching morons I am not a moron number five on my list is love after lockup

love after lockup which they also have a spin-off called life after lockup now the premise there is they're dating people in prison.

The show is person X is in jail and they're like talking like a pen pal outside of jail.

And eventually they leave jail and go date this person.

And then, you know, they're not the same person that they think they might want to steal money from this person or whatever.

The show is incredible.

You don't even look at what I do here in the house with the kids and everything else as even anything.

But you're doing what you're supposed to do, no?

What I'm supposed to do.

And I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.

No, no.

So when I take $10,000 out of an account, you should just be like, well, damn, he's doing what he's supposed to do.

That's all I'm saying.

You're in a world, population one,

by yourself.

Sometimes they go back to jail, sometimes they go on the run.

The show is like bar rating.

Hold on.

It's so good.

So just to be clear, again, I'm going to be waking up on Christmas morning, and Violet, my three-year-old, is going to be like, dada, Christmas.

And I'm going to say,

come sit next to me on the couch.

We're watching Love After Lockup.

Number four, the Real Housewives Entire Series.

Wait, the entire series, meaning all of the cities?

Watch it all.

But I would start with Salt Lake City and Potomac.

That's where I would start, okay?

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is exceptional because like one of the cast members, spoiler alert, goes to jail for defrauding the elderly.

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City star Jen Shaw has been sentenced to six and a half years behind bars.

The reality TV star pleaded guilty last year in connection to a telemarketing scheme that allegedly scammed elderly people out of thousands of dollars.

Sometimes people need to get defrauded.

Okay.

Also, there is a you know character that was pronounced a cheater just because of the shape of his head.

Square shape, you could tell.

You're not a cheater, I could tell the shape of your head.

I'm intrigued by this theory.

So square, square heads.

Yeah, you know those people where it's just square, square head, like they look kind of, you know,

I mean, just the shape of his head.

You just can't tell it was up to no good.

You know some men they just have this shape that you just can tell.

Bald heads cheats a lot.

Oh, wait.

You have the crew with the bald head.

He's like, wait, don't you think?

You know you cheat.

Real Housewives is great.

Andy Cohen's the man.

You're welcome for the wreck.

Okay.

Number three, below deck, the entire franchise.

Below deck

is about what?

A ship.

A giant.

A picture of a giant ship, okay?

Below deck.

What was that voice?

Don't worry about it.

Below deck.

Is that a nautical seafarer voice that you just tried?

Captain, dock the ship.

What is that?

Don't worry about it.

Russell Crowe and Master and Commander.

There's Below Deck.

There's Below Deck Mediterranean.

There's Below Deck Sailing Yacht.

There's Below Deck Adventure.

Below Deck Sailing Nach?

Sailing Yacht.

Oh, Sailing Yacht.

That's the best one.

Because...

Well, first of all, watching the boat as it...

is sailing is actually incredible because it's like it's like dangerous.

I'm not tracking.

Anyway, I was listening to Andy Cohen's radio show the other day.

He had on Zach Braff.

Zach was talking about how his favorite show

time is below.

You help make this show.

And you're listening to Andy Cohen's podcast about a shaky musician.

Radio Andy.

Also watch.

Yeah, it's phenomenal.

Because you like the boat being shaky?

First of all, you know, there's a whole crew of people.

There's an interior, there's an exterior.

People interior.

Oh, like an upstairs, downstairs.

Correct.

You know, so you see at work a dynamic that goes on.

Is it better to be exterior or interior?

Depends what kind kind of stuff you like to do.

Would you rather clean beds and clean dishes and serve tables, or would you rather throw lines and do physical work and clean the boat?

That's the difference.

Okay.

That's your interior, exterior.

I don't like swabbing a deck.

You see people really working.

You see tips from the guests that they have.

You see the guests getting drunk and falling down.

The show is phenomenal.

Number two, 90-day fiancé.

So we worked on like a half-dozen shows together, right?

High noon,

highly questionable, Levittard show, debatable, this show.

Anyway, the point is I've been in many sort of like workplaces with you and 90 Day Fiancé.

Come up a lot.

If I were to generate a word cloud of the things that you and I have talked about against my will,

obviously Miami Heat 1 million point font, 999,000 point font is this shit.

90 Day Fiancé.

Yeah, the premise

of it.

Like a lot of these shows, the premise is in the title.

If you're a smart person, you get it, okay?

What it is, somebody from another country and you from America want to marry.

How do you make that happen?

With a loophole in the legal system where you get married in 90 days or less, and we film it and put it on television.

Hold on, I'm going to guess that

things go off the rails.

There's a Korean dude who came to America and he started calling his girlfriend Piggy, and he said that all Americans are fat.

You're lazy, so you always get your fast food for lunch.

No wonder you're piggy

Are you serious?

What it is

I'm just saying the truth you always have fast food for lunch and the family from Iowa had to sit them down and be like

you can't say piggy

There's a woman who is from the Philippines, Rose.

She's a nice woman.

She decides to date a man named Ed, who also goes by Big Ed.

Big Ed washes his hair with mayonnaise.

This is the mayonnaise guy.

Yeah, the Mayo and the hair guy.

This is the rare short king.

You do not know.

No, he's not a short king.

He's just short.

Now, the mayo is something that he thinks makes his hair better, more luscious.

He does have good hair.

Give him that.

All right, we're going to put this on

YouTube of the DraftKings Network.

I don't know how to say this.

He's built like a Russian nesting doll.

In a few days, I'm getting ready to get on a plane and go meet Rose, the love of my life, for the very first time.

Since I've met Rose,

I want to look young for her.

So I have been dying my hair and it irritates my scalp.

So I found out that mayonnaise makes it smoother and less dry.

Big Ed, is as if a cartoon character who got mopped on the head and had his head pushed down into his body never

got his head out of his body again he has zero neck there's also another couple paul and karini okay karini's from brazil paul put a condom on because he did not want fish to swim up his peepee in brazil so

so he was he was he was swimming He was, yes, he was going to jump in this river, and he was afraid of fish swimming up his pee-pee.

So he put on a condom.

Please stop saying that.

And peepee.

And that clip.

It's the son of a urologist.

That clip

has 3 million views.

What clip?

The clip of him putting on a condom to go jump in the rip.

It's a clip.

We cannot do not show this.

Do not call for this clip.

So

I'm going to put this on first.

They said fish gets to see the waiter.

And I had this little penis, I guess like a sheath protection bag.

I put a condom on, have that to hold that on.

Definitely don't want nothing swimming up my penis.

I cannot believe we just showed that clip.

The clip was great.

This is a holiday episode, allegedly.

Number one, Vander Pump Rules.

Yeah,

let's go.

I've never heard Vander Pump Rules pronounced like a call to arms.

Shout out to DJ James Kennedy.

Shout out to Ariana.

It's a great show.

What a great show.

What a great show.

It's in season 11.

Okay, season 11 kicks off January 30th.

You have time to catch up.

January 30th, season 11.

It's the beginning of season 11.

That's right.

And if you were to summarize the previous 10 seasons,

the best season.

Someone who has never seen, but has heard certainly of Lisa Vanderpump, who again seems like an auto-generated name,

you would say that I have missed what?

The premise is it's a bunch of young people that work at a restaurant.

Immediately you find out in season two and three and four and so forth, it's not what the show is about.

The show is just about these people fighting and having sex with each other and cheating on each other and punching each other and getting nose jobs.

There's a giant cheating scandal in this show.

I've made it.

I've almost made it, I should say, to the end.

I've almost made it to 2024 without knowing what the scam, Scam Deval.

Scandival.

Of course, Scandival

is.

You get it, Tom Sandoval scandal.

I don't actually get any of it.

What should I know?

About Scandival?

Yo, it's the most famous cheating scandal of all time, okay?

Of all time.

Of all time, bro.

Houston Astros.

Black Sox doesn't hold a candle to this.

Tom Sandoval is dead to me, and he's dead to America, okay?

So, Tom Sandoval cheated on his longtime girlfriend.

They were not married, but despicable acts because he did it with a friend, did it for months long while he was on camera.

The crazy thing is that you get to see it play out in season 10.

Like, it's all, it's all, you get to see it all happen in real time.

We became really good friends.

Like, I was seeking something that I wasn't getting here, and that's selfish.

That's really selfish.

Selfish is the nicest word you could use.

It's horrible.

Me and Raquel became like really good friends.

I don't give a f about

Raquel.

Your friendship is fing bullshit.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's fing not.

It's bullshit.

It's disgusting.

You know everything.

It's disgusting.

Hey, everybody.

You are disgusting.

Your friendship with Raquel.

It's disgusting.

You cannot tell.

Well, guess what?

It's real because she treats me with respect.

Something I haven't gotten gotten from you in a long time.

How much time would you say you've spent watching?

As soon as we're done here, I'm going to go watch some more reality TV.

I got Potomac and Real Houses of Miami on the mind.

You're telling me that the true meaning of Christmas

is that a dude without a neck who puts mayonnaise in his hair,

who got into a legal quote-unquote relationship with a woman from the Philippines.

Of course it's legal.

90 days.

The star in the north that I should be following

towards the manger of Christmas cheer.

Instead, Violet Earmos, you want to like follow some fake old guy with a beard and pull out some stupid tree and drive it to fucking Rockefeller Center and pray to it and shit.

Like, that's more important to you than like real housewives.

And love after lockup?

Come on, man.

Prison love?

Come on.

The f ⁇ was that?

That was not a knock.

The sound that I am hearing right now is the producers telling us to stop talking about this.

Well, it's also the sound of someone knocking on the door.

Wow, someone's trying to barge in here and take over this.

And I cannot imagine how we could possibly improve on what it is that I've been finding out so far.

Let's find out who it is.

We work in an office.

People can wander by and hear something that they vehemently object to.

Apparently, in the spirit of Christmas.

Yes.

Hi.

Hello, Charlotte Wilder.

It's me, Charlotte Wilder.

I have to talk to you, Ryan Cortez.

Hello.

My reality show, Brother in Arms.

Oh, God.

How could you leave off selling OC, even from an OLI and perfect match, two Netflix shows of maximum chaos?

I'll give you selling OC as a legitimate misfire by me, but not including Seleno C is a spin-off.

Let me get a little bit of a speaker.

It's a show where a bunch of people who are insane do insane things.

That's right.

Perfect match.

I still don't know if I would put it in my OLI.

My OLI.

It's hard to make it.

It's hard to make my OLI.

Perfect match is they take everybody from the Netflix reality family because it is a family.

They all love each other and care about each other very much, Pablo.

And then they put them on an island and then they all have to hook up with each other.

Sounds like all the shows I named.

So hold on, though.

I should say that there is like a holiday

spectacular vibe to that.

It's like all the people that you've seen gather in one place to do something special.

We're going to do some non-reality stuff, right?

Yeah, well, I was like, is this supposed to be a Christmas episode?

And producers were like, yeah.

And I was like, I better come in and save this thing because why are we talking about below deck?

So my mom's Jewish.

My dad's

not.

So I grew up doing Christmas.

Did you guys, to what extent did your parents go through with Santa,

the performance of Santa?

So my parents didn't.

I would go to my cousin's house with my dad and my mom would meet us there later because she was like, I'm Jewish.

I don't love this.

I felt sort of cut out of this my whole life.

Like, why should I suddenly buy in?

And like, when I asked my mom if Santa was real, she goes, Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?

Or do you want me to tell you the truth?

So as I enjoyed Christmas, as I got older and sort of realized how she felt about it, I was like, I felt sort of guilty for liking Christmas.

Even though she was like, great, go for it.

Like, love Christmas.

Who cares?

I got the whole thing of like cookies in the morning that had like bites taken out of them, a note with penmanship.

like, you know, curlicued calligraphy of a Santa Clausian manner.

The whole deal, like milk, glass of, my parents went through the whole thing.

See, I love that because i was also i was best friends with the tooth fairy i would write her letters like even if i didn't lose a tooth i'd be like summon for the tooth fairy tonight mo i was like oh okay so like the santa stuff like my aunt and uncle they would take a bite out of a carrot that we would leave for the reindeer toss it

i was so all in christmas is kind of stupid like i i don't

you know when i was a kid i was like an investigative journalist as like a four or five year old like i could smell the bull that this wasn't true so i was always asking around you know like and i had some older friends and they eventually told me, you know, it's not true.

And then I was going around telling people, you know, this shit's not real, right?

Of course you were.

Because people need to know the truth.

That's what we do now as journalists, right?

But if I do it as a kid, it's a bad thing with Santa.

Come on.

I just feel like you've been so consistent your whole life.

I agree.

That's really cool, Cortez.

Thank you.

You are bringing us your cataloging

of the songs of the most popular holiday.

Well, so you know how Cortez said that he was told to make a top five list list and said, I'm gonna do whatever I want.

I was not told to make any list, and I made a top five list, and I made two of them because as I was trying to

tell you guys,

no, it's like a teacher's two separate top five lists.

I don't do homework, she does too much homework.

Yeah, I was looking at Cortez's computer screen.

It was just

iTunes.

Mine is like it was like 90-day fiance colon cheaters.

That's all I had.

Mine's like a multi-page Google Doc.

Oh my God.

Bro, that's a lot of work to do.

Okay, well, you know, I'm watching

an editor.

God damn it, Cortez.

So I wanted to tell you guys why I hate Christmas songs, but then I realized I liked them.

So I just made two lists of my favorite Christmas songs.

So I failed to understand how this is not a top 10 list.

What part of it don't you understand?

It is two top five lists.

Two separate lists.

One is a list, Christmas song, Christmas songs.

The other one is good songs that aren't just Christmas songs, but that are Christmas songs.

Very confusing list.

So songs that have, okay, no, this makes sense.

Okay.

songs that have the behavior of Christmas songs and Christmas songs.

It's a difference between being a racist and someone who's doing racist things.

I see.

It's like 90 Day Fiancé, 90 Day Fiancé, the other way.

Yeah,

okay.

We can all agree on that.

The songs that aren't Christmas songs but are Christmas songs are songs you can listen to all year round.

Okay, okay, number five.

New York, New York by Frank Sinatra.

I've heard of that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

New York.

I can't do too much about it.

I don't get fined, but start spreading the news.

Is that it?

So big.

Why is that a different Frank Sinatra song?

They all sound the same.

This is confusing to me.

Fly me to the moon.

New York, New York, I have heard at the conclusion of every Yankee game I've ever been to.

I've never once thought this is the spirit of Christmas.

Really?

Frank Sinatra.

To me, Christmas is like dark and cozy.

And that's, I feel like Frank Sinatra should be played in a steakhouse with like a low ceiling and a lot of leather.

And that feels like Christmas Christmas to me.

If you ask me to describe Christmas, it'd be a steakhouse.

Number one has to be steak.

Keens in New York City.

Number two has a low ceiling.

Number three,

we can all agree, lots of leather.

Yes.

Okay.

Four is a song Wintering by the 1975.

Did you just Google

like Christmas-related words into like a song, into like lyrics A to Z?

like

maybe

very good okay number three tis the damn season by taylor swift

thank you

is this the most confident christmas episode anybody's ever made this is um definitely a

i can't even say it's definitely a christmas episode at this rate what it so this song is about somebody who who has left her hometown and goes to the big city to try and make it and then she goes back home and it's about you know she's staying at her parents' house.

And it's like the person she loved from home still lives there and drives a truck.

That's pretty much it.

But tis the damn season, which feels sort of Christmassy, right?

I think it's about Christmas.

So this feels like this is the die hard as a Christmas movie of Christmas songs.

Yeah, but like a little more Christmassy.

Okay.

I've also never seen Die Hard.

Wow.

This all makes you sense.

I'm going to give a quick take.

Taylor Swift overrated.

Just throwing that out there.

Jesus, man.

Big thumbs down.

I've never heard it, but like the hype is so high, it can't be that good.

It just can't be.

I'm going to send you, I'm going to make you a playlist of the best ones.

Is it Grunge?

I'm only listening to one thing though, and it's Grunge.

I'm not listening to Christmas music.

Okay.

Because he was listening to Alice in Chains before this recording started.

Does Alice in Chains have a Christmas song?

It's called Rooster.

Anyway, number two, The Day After Tomorrow by Phoebe Bridger.

Great movie.

Never seen it.

Which is a cover of a Tom Waite song.

Absolutely beautiful.

Highly recommend.

This is the song where the real villain is the weather.

Yes.

Never seen that one?

Like the wolves show up?

Who's in that?

Is that Tom Cruise?

Dennis Quaid.

Dennis Quaid?

Dennis Quaid.

So, yes.

The Day After Tomorrow.

That's not what this song is about, is what you're saying.

The Day After Tomorrow is, or Day After Tomorrow, is one of the saddest songs.

You guys have heard like 2x Speed on podcasts?

That's what I would do to that song.

It was slow.

It says it's beautiful.

There are feelings in that one.

There are real feelings that Charlotte clearly feels, and you're trying to just fast-forward through them like it's a

ball spray ad.

The quicker I could get to reality TV, the better.

Okay.

Charlotte,

your number one

of

your list of songs that are not Christmas songs but have the behavior of Christmas songs is close enough, yes.

Number one, So Much Wine by Phoebe Burgers.

Even sadder song,

even more beautiful song.

Double Phoebe Bridgers, which is a cover of the handsome family.

This is sad, this song.

Not your list.

Although

when you burnt your hair and knocked over chairs, I just tried to stay out of your way.

Yeah.

When you fell asleep with blood on your teeth, I just got in my car and drove away.

So I've been trying to like explain,

hopefully, at the end of this episode, what Christmas means means to my three-year-old oh

so i don't know if violet's going to necessarily appreciate the nuances see it's a pretty song and she probably won't listen to the words that close or you could sing the tune and make up new words for her

you know she's got to grow up quick enough of this like

it wasn't real when he was four pablo stop treating her like a three-year-old

tell her the truth tell her the goddamn truth okay second list actual christmas Christmas songs?

Please.

Or, as I wrote down, Christmas song, Christmas songs?

Christmas song, Christmas songs.

All right, starting OLI.

Okay.

Rocking around the Christmas tree.

I know that one.

Yeah, that's a fun one, right?

That's sort of like.

Rocking around.

Are we going to get sued if I sing that one?

I think I

think I've gotten better at singing.

I can't sing.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Is rocking around the Christmas tree public domain?

Public domain.

Sing it.

Don't be a coward.

Let's round it.

Rocking around.

Christmas tree.

It is.

Keep going.

Dress so merrily

around

town.

Christmas won't be Christmas if we're flying in a car.

That's how it goes, right?

Yeah, so that's my OLI.

Number four,

Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande.

So this is number five.

No.

What do we

You didn't pick a fifth one.

No, I have a fifth one.

I just, I just, it's after the page break of my Google Docs.

So, okay.

So, um, I can make this four.

I can make this five and switch five to four.

Number five.

Number five, Santa Claus is coming to town, the Bruce Springsteen version.

The boss.

The boss.

I respect this choice.

Thank you.

It's an incredible song.

The way he sings it with that sandpaper voice.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

This is feeling Christmasier.

Are we getting somewhere?

We are getting somewhere.

Okay.

Number three.

Fairy Tale of Philadelphia by the Kelsey Brothers.

You know how Jason Kelsey did a Christmas album with the Eagles?

You're putting this

number three.

Philadelphia, horrible city.

It's a waste of time.

Stupid people, bad food.

I am mad that he's actually good at singing.

Deep in his

baritone.

Oops, that sounds.

Okay, we can't keep talking about this because number two is Fairy Tale of New York by The Poges.

Which is a classic R.I.P.

Shane McGowan.

R.I.P.

That guy.

Which is the song.

This is the song that number three, Fairy Tale of Philadelphia, is bad.

Shane McGowan.

I watched a video of his funeral.

Me too.

And they played Fairy Tale of New York, and I legitimately teared on them.

Me too.

I cried.

This is not number one?

Nope, it's number two.

Isn't the Pogues from Outer Banks Netflix reality show?

I don't know what you're talking about, but I feel confident saying the answer is no.

The answer is yes.

There's a family called the Pogues.

How do they spell it?

P-O-G-S.

Yeah.

That is not how they spell it.

It's close.

It is, I guess, technically close.

What's number one?

Number one is All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey.

That is an absolute banger.

I

want to be cynical about this choice because in some ways it is the most obvious choice.

But listening to that song does make me

feel things.

Yeah, it's also the best choice.

Some things are popular for a reason.

Like this song in Taylor Swift.

Oh, God, enough with Taylor Swift.

Have you, you know, this song, though?

Yeah, of course.

How's it go?

What's the title again?

All I want for Christmas is you.

Sing it.

I know the genes.

I'm trying to speak it.

All I want for Christmas is you.

And then I'm trying to think how it starts, actually.

I don't want

to stall up for Christmas.

There is just one thing I need.

The snow's coming down.

No.

Christmas.

What?

I'm watching.

No, is that not it?

That is not all I want.

Christmas is you.

What am I singing?

Oh, I'm feeling different feelings.

Did you just make up a Christmas song?

Oh, shit.

I was singing Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home, also by Right Carrie.

Oh,

I feel like no one has ever mixed up what all I want for Christmas is you is before.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was embarrassing for you, boy.

We need to find a a song we can play in full that we have the rights to.

You want me to Google rights-free Christmas songs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about this?

Now we're talking.

Hell yeah.

My nuts roasting on an open fire,

Jack Frost snipping at my ass

Jesus Christ

you

this goes hard

by a choir

and neighbors shout quiet to stem the singing fast

that's Cortez

we all know a turkey and Greg stuffing dry

help to make the season bright

beautiful Beautiful tune.

Go on, Greg.

Heavy drinking adults

hammered on Jim Beam

won't find it hard at all to sleep tonight.

Greg Cody has a shockingly good voice.

He sounds incredible.

It gets drunker from there.

Spoiler alert.

Wipe out both my lists.

There was only one good Christmas song.

Greg Cody, whatever that was.

The Mariah Carey of Metalark Media.

Some might say.

Merry Christmas

to

me.

So as I sit at my keyboard contemplating the meaning of Christmas, The meaning of the holiday season, I should say even more specifically, as a buffet Catholic who does, I guess, consider the technical definition of Christmas an open and shut matter.

It's the birth of Jesus Christ.

I realize that the meaning of the season

isn't actually up to me.

I've sort of misinterpreted this whole exercise, I realize now.

Because it's clear, having talked to

Cortez and Charlotte, that Christmas is a social holiday.

What does this mean?

It means that it is up to the people around us to tell us what it means to them or to show us.

Because what we're about to do this holiday season, what we hopefully have already been doing, is enjoying other people enjoying something, which is such a rare treat in life these days, or maybe always, all days.

Because it's a sanctioned opportunity to enjoy other people enjoying something.

Whether it is the music, the break from work,

the reality television, the god-awful reality television they're about to watch.

Other people are what make this time of year so beautiful.

And also for those of us who are alone, which is many of us, it makes it so tough as well.

Because it is a social holiday about enjoying other people, enjoying the holiday.

It's a bit tautological, but I think it's also the point.

And so, what does Christmas mean to me?

I should probably ask one more person, one more source, to tell me what they think.

What's your name?

You have to introduce yourself.

Violet.

How old are you?

Three.

Three.

And

what is the meaning of Christmas?

It's a holiday.

That's right.

And

Violet's favorite part of Christmas is

the trees.

The trees.

And garlands and wreaths.

And garlands and wreaths.

And sockets.

And stockings.

Jingle bells.

Do you want to sing it for everyone?

Yeah.

I

loud this time.

Loud this time?

Yeah.

Okay.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Oh, why is the way the one holds up and twang.

Hi, jingle bells, jingle bells, angle all the way

OFI is the one who holds up and twang.

Hi.

That's a great job.

And it likes poo-poo.

Okay.

Any other thoughts for everybody listening to the show about what they should hear from you before you go?

Don't say it.

Pooh poop.

Whispering it

still means you're saying it.

Merry Christmas.

And whatever holiday you are celebrating this time of year, thank you for enjoying it with us.

Thank you to Boo Shombi, the greatest voice in baseball, for being the voice at the top of the show for our Christmas poem.

Thank you to the staff of Pablo Torre Finds Out, the greatest staff in sports podcasting, because I could not do this without Michael Antonucci, Ryan Cortez, Sam Daywig, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Loman, Rachel Miller-Howard, Ethan Schreier, Carl Scott, Matt Sullivan, Chris Tumanello, and Juliet Warren.

Studio Engineering, of course, by RG Systems, post-production by NGW Post.

Our theme song, as always, by John Bravo.

This has been Pablo Torre finds out a Metalark media production.

And I'll talk to you next time.

My most annoying friend growing up, her mom loved Michael Buble, so I hate Michael Buble.

Michael Bubble is a basic.

I just look at the the name, it looks like Bubble.

That's all I think about.

Michael Bubble.

I don't even know what his music sounds like.

Mikey Bubbs.

Mikey Bubbs.

Mikey Boobs.

I found out that Ryan Cortez's favorite TV shows make me feel the way that Phoebe Bridger's song sounds.

The one from Fleabag.

You learned that Mayo is good for your hair.

I did.

Yeah.

Have you?

Well.

No, I'm not trying.

I hate mayo.

Mayo's delicious.

I like it, and I'm not going to put it in my hair.

Right.

I am off of, I am like

not shampooing my hair anymore.

Oh,

because

thank you.

You've always had good hair, but that seems like not a cost.

I want them oils.

But

you got to wash it like once a week or something, right?

Nah.

It's called a co-wash.

Is it called a co-wash?

Wait, what did you say?

So I am washing it, but not shampooing it.

Not shampooing.

Not putting soap in it.

Nah.

So you're just putting water in it?

Yeah.

No soap.

You're not washing it.

You're just

doing it.

No, yeah.

I think we're not.

I think we're not.

Yeah.

We're not agreeing on what wash means.

Yeah, I agree.

You're watering it like a plant.

Yeah.

Washing it involves soap.

Paulo waters his hair.

You can't wash anything without soap.

Absolutely.

I don't think that's good.

I think you need to wash it with soap at least like once a week.

And I think part of it.

Dries it out.

Dries it out.

All right.

I'm going to Google this.

How often should

not like on purpose?

Your hair.

You know, I'm like, oh, I don't feel like washing my hair.

But I feel like today, I was like, I should probably wash my hair before I'm on camera.

And I was like, no.

Your hair looks great.

Thank you.

It's shiny.

It looks healthy.

Yeah, because I haven't washed it.

That's what I'm saying.

Okay, it says that you should, you know, you don't have to wash it every day or every other day.

But that's all it says.

It doesn't say like you should just not wash it ever again.

So far, if you say you don't have to wash it every day or every other day, what other days are left?

Okay, the day after that.

Like, you can't just go two weeks without washing it.

You know how bad that smells?

You're saying I should wash it the day after tomorrow.

You should probably wash it right now if you haven't washed it in a week.

How long has it been since you've got soap on your head?

Soap?

Yeah.

Once a month.

Okay, so we've stumbled upon the answer.

You do it once per month is when you decide.

When do you start?

Because I get a haircut.

I'm sorry, every three weeks.

I get a haircut every three weeks.

I get a haircut every three weeks.

Every three weeks.

God, men are wild.

How often do you get a haircut?

Oh, just, you know, twice a year, three times a year.

Whenever I feel like it.

Whenever I start to feel like a horse girl is when I get my haircut.

Wow.

Oh.

That's weird.

Yeah, I don't know what to do with that.

I mean, it's working for you.

Your hair is certainly better than mine, but I feel like that's not.

I didn't want to say anything.

I get it, you know.

But still,

I don't feel like not being aware of it.

Your beard looks great.

Thank you.

I mean,

anyway,

I would consider doing it maybe like every other week, maybe every week, even.

Probably not going to do that.

Probably can do it less, just despite you know.

It's gross.

Most iconic haircuts go.

Negrian.

Yep.

Jennifer Anniston Friends.

Yep.

Okay.

The rock.

Like the flat top?

Like the one with the chain.

Or you like Stanley with Fanny Pack.

Barry Melrose.

Yo, let me tell you something.

Good hair?

Barry Melrose ain't shampooing shit.

Bro, he's doing it more than once a month.

That's not normal behavior.

We're going to find out how different Barry Melrose shampoos his hair.

The answer is zero times a year.

I get Barry Melrose and Barry Manilow confused.

I don't know if there are two more

than Barry Manilow.

I've heard him.

I'm not even sure.

Who the hell is Barry Manilow?

I'm not even totally sure.

Is it a musician or anything?

I think he's like Michael Booblake.

I'm going to tell you something.

I'm going going to tell you something.

I just put into YouTube Barry Manilow.

You know what the autocomplete was?

What?

For the next.

I don't even know the race of this person now that I think about it.

What race do you think Barry Manilow is?

I don't know.

I'm guessing he's very old.

He doesn't look it.

He might be dead already.

He is alive.

Really?

I feel like that's an old name.

It is an old name, but we digress.

He is 80 years old.

Yo, he looks like a short.

He's Martin Short?

He looks like a Martin Short character.

Martin Short and Bon Jovi.

That's actually pretty dead off.

I nailed it.

The words that come up when you auto-complete Barry Manilow,

Barry Manilow Christmas songs.

He's a singer.

This just came full circle.

Wow.

I learned something on the show.

Oh, he sang Copa Cabana.

Cortez, you know that song.

Is that like Casablanca?

Copa.

Oh, yeah.

Copacabana.

Is it like Casablanca?

It sounded similar.

Casablanca.

Like Barry Melrose and Barry Manilow.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Barry Melrose loves

Copa Cabana.

Copa Cabana.

That's my favorite Christmas song.

Coba Cabana by Barry Manilow.

Probably you got interesting dancing skills.

Did you?

You shut the f up.

I just said interesting.

Whatever you're about to say next, shut up.