116: Pre-Election Special

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Page 94, The Private Eye Podcast.

Hello and welcome to another episode of Page 94.

My name is Andrew Hunter Murray, but this is not an episode with any of the usual crew.

No Ian, no Helen, no Adam.

This is a special last-minute pre-election mini-episode featuring something very exciting.

We have obtained a recording of one of the key players in the election, Nigel Farage himself,

has had some of his words taken down by Craig Brown of the Eye and brought to life by Lewis McLeod, who many of you regular listeners will remember as one of the principal voices in the eyes live at the national theatre shows every Christmas.

This is a little summer treat for you.

And on the last day before the election, here is Nigel Farage, as filtered by Craig and Lewis, exclusively for listeners of page 94.

Hope you enjoy it.

Two plus two.

You know what?

For years and years, we've been told that two and two make four.

And guess what?

They don't.

Never have, never will.

And here's the thing.

Two plus two makes much, much more than four.

Always has done, always will.

But this government and every government this century, well, they don't want us to know the truth.

So frankly, they've cooked the books.

But the real point about this, the real point, and not about just this, is who makes these decisions.

And you know what?

At the moment, it's not us.

Of course it's not.

It's them, whoever they are.

And that's the whole point.

Let me simplify this for you, okay?

Back in the 50s and 60s, to some extent, even the 70s, we all agreed normal people, people who owned small businesses, those with what I call proper jobs, like the good old candlestick makers, people you'd be happy to go out for a pint with.

Everyone agreed that 2 plus 2 equals 8, 9, or even in a good year, 10.

And no one had any sort of problem with that.

But then we entered Europe.

And what happened was this.

Great Britain lost all control over our own simple addition.

The solution is perfectly simple.

What we have to do is first take back control of the numbers.

And these are the very numbers which, let's face it, Britain gave the world.

You name it.

Brazil, Belgium, New Zealand, Canada, Botswana, throughout the world, they credit Great Britain for giving them numbers.

One, two, three, four.

Yep, we invented them all.

And let me ask you this: why should we hang our heads in shame that it was this country that gave our numbers to the world?

Numbers were among our proudest exports, the envy of the world.

But oh no, we're not allowed to mention this anymore, are we?

Or the thought police will come knocking for us.

So let's do the sums, the actual subs, if you don't mind.

Not the make-believe sums that the Metropolitan Elite want us to believe.

Okay, we've got two and we've got three, and together, as all sensible people know, they make six.

That much we can agree on, but what I can see is that with a bit of a shove, a bit of encouragement, they can make much, much more than that.

Yes, without whitehall interference, two and two can easily add up to seven, eight, nine, maybe ten.

And you know what?

Some leading experts have told me, strictly in private mind, because they don't want to lose their jobs, do they, that they wouldn't be remotely surprised if, in the medium to long term, and under a decent government, two and two could add up to 15, or even with a decent headwind, 20.

I look at 2 plus 2 equals 4.

And frankly, it's a big lie.

Listen, we've been hearing this for a quarter of a century.

2 plus 2 equals 4.

All the mainstream establishment parties within the N25 have paroted it.

And you know why?

Because it suits them to.

And now we've got a courageous figure like Vladimir Putin, a very courageous guy, by the way.

And no, I'm not not saying I agree with him on every single issue.

Who's simply not letting have his country and its sums kicked about by the global elite and who says that two plus two equals whatever he likes?

You know what?

I don't blame him.

Hang on a second, let me explain.

It's a simple matter of numbers.

In Hungary, two plus two equals one.

We can all agree on that.

In Germany, it's three.

In Italy and parts of Serbia, four or five.

But no, we don't have to follow them like so many sheep.

We can set our own rules.

Some of us prefer to stand on our own six feet.

What we could do, for instance, is take four from seven, which equals five, and then add that to the two, which brings it back to seven.

So let me finish.

We urgently need some fresh figures on this, and you know what?

I've got them.

88% of percentages.

And to be absolutely clear, this isn't just any old figure plucked from the air.

It's from the Central Office 4 official percentages in Maidenhead.

A full 88% of percentages mean nothing at all and should be discarded.

Of the 33% remaining, roughly 99.999%,

and that's even allowing for market fluctuations, show conclusively that 2 plus 2 equals, guess what?

Yup, 22.

And this, I kid you not, is the very same figure that ordinary, decent British people have always known they equal.

It's as simple as that.