"Holiday Bonus"

Speaker 1 Good morning, oh my god. Good morning.
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 I should

Speaker 1 put them out. I eat the cookies.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. There's just crumbs here.
And all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk?

Speaker 1 I might have done both. I might have eaten the cookies and drank the milk.
Hey, Sean, where are your pants? Uh-oh. It's a holiday surprise.
Welcome to Smartless.

Speaker 1 Smart.

Speaker 1 Smart,

Speaker 1 lettuce.

Speaker 1 Smart.

Speaker 1 Lettuce.

Speaker 1 So, what's what do we got going on for the holidays, you guys? We're going to be. I'm looking to, I'm going to be going to a beach, beach environment.

Speaker 1 Um, and uh, you're going to be there as well, Will. And I think it's bullshit that Sean's not going to be there.
Well, what are we going to do pre-Christmas?

Speaker 1 We should get together. I'm sure we'll be at a, at a holiday party.

Speaker 1 I got the invite for Conan. Are you coming?

Speaker 1 I think so, yes. But you said that you might not be able to make it.
Because there's another thing on that night that we got to go to, but that's not starting until 9.

Speaker 1 So it looks like I can squeeze Conan in.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
No, wait, wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Bateman gets Bateman. Hold on.
You just ambushed me, Arnett. Bateman, Bateman.

Speaker 1 You're going to squeeze me in? Yeah, I'm going to see. I'm going going to to be one of those parties.
Squeeze me in.

Speaker 1 You're going to be the early part of my night, the night that I don't really care about, because then I'm going to go to the party that I really want to go to after. Oh, and I know

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you what. Guess what? I know what that party is, by the way.
I know what that party is. And if I could get into that party, I'd be at that party instead of my party.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, she doesn't like you. Hey, can I tell you? You're not going.
First of all, that is Christiane Amampura loves me, and she will have me to her party.

Speaker 1 That is the party everyone wants to go to. Let me tell you something, Jason, and that's called Speed.
You'll pick it up up someday. Let me say something.
Bateman,

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 bitched.

Speaker 1 You bitched. You bitched on this podcast.

Speaker 1 Was it what it was? Live on stage, Conan, remember? And on stage. And on stage.
You bitched and moaned on harmless. What's the name of it? What is it?

Speaker 1 It's harmless. Harmless.

Speaker 1 You bitched.

Speaker 1 You bitched. Marvelous.

Speaker 1 You bitched and moaned about not being invited to Conan's

Speaker 1 Christmas party, which has become an iconic party.

Speaker 1 It's quite a thing. Everyone goes, and

Speaker 1 yet I, and yet I didn't, and so last year was the first invite. Yeah.
Finally. I invited you.
I mean, what did you do?

Speaker 1 I couldn't make it. And what were you doing? What were you doing instead? I can't remember.
Yesterday. I remember.

Speaker 1 I remember what you were doing instead. You were seeing Jen's.
No, you were. No.
He wasn't at Jen's party.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go back in my calendar here.

Speaker 1 December 20th. December 20th.
No,

Speaker 1 you weren't in town. Christmas.
Was it the 23rd? Guess what? A friend of mine. It was a Jen's party.
Nope. You showed up late at Jen's party.
A friend of mine saw you at Minekee Muffler's on La Ciena.

Speaker 1 They said that you were there. That's when the lines are the shortest.
They said you were there for four hours.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing. Hanging.
And listen to this. Hanging around.
Hanging around with no need of a muffler repair. Just chatting people off.
I have an electric car. Yeah, there's no muffler at all.

Speaker 1 Conan, the worst part is that I heard that

Speaker 1 he was going to go to your party. He ripped his own muffler off.
Yes. Just to delay going to Europe.
He ripped it off just so he wouldn't have to go.

Speaker 1 Now, look, everyone says, oh, would you go to Conan's party? Would you go to Jen Anderson's party? Of course everyone would go to Jen Anderson's party. She's beautiful.
She's iconic.

Speaker 1 She's a movie star. She's a TV star.
And what am I? Some thin-lipped, beady-eyed creep. I get it.
No one comes to my party.

Speaker 1 Yeah, those were Sean's words once. He said that.
I never said that.

Speaker 1 Well, I say that. He wrote them in The New Yorker.
They were in a piece in The New Yorker called Why No One Likes Conan O'Brien. Sean, Sean, you've been to this party?

Speaker 1 I've been to this party, but the only reason I get to go is because I have to go early to set up. It's really good.

Speaker 1 You have to work it. You have to remember, Sean, before he hit it on Will and Grace, worked the party for seven years.
Yeah, he was a cater with it. Yeah.
He was a caterwaiter.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's a true story, isn't it? But that is a true story.

Speaker 1 I set up some party stuff at Anthony Edwards' house before. Was he kind to you? He was very kind.
He was very kind. Good guy.

Speaker 1 But Conan's party, your party is always super funny. Does he start Like, good guy.
What are you? The decider of like, yeah,

Speaker 1 good guy. I don't know.

Speaker 1 You want to judge people? Can I say something? I'll tell you who a good guy is.

Speaker 1 A good guy is someone who I think I've done Smartless a couple of times, sort of to boost the numbers for you guys a little bit and help you get launched, I think, which was a big help.

Speaker 1 People were like, I don't want to hear these guys. Who are these got to work actors? And then, hey, Conan's going on.
I'll check it out. But listen,

Speaker 1 then

Speaker 1 I, so I did that for you guys, okay?

Speaker 1 Then,

Speaker 1 to return the favors, Sean Hayes, been here. Talk to me on my podcast.
Will Arnett comes sometimes when we don't even invite him, just hanging around, holding on to his muffler.

Speaker 1 How have I not been invited? Oh, you have been invited to my podcast many times. No way.
Many times. No way.

Speaker 1 Many times, Adam, many times.

Speaker 1 Many times. And your publicist swears.
Your publicist,

Speaker 1 this is a quote from your publicist. Not his cup of tea.
Not his cup of tea.

Speaker 1 I swear on my kid's life, I can't remember being invited to the teacher. Ask Adam if this is true.
Conan, ask Adam if this is true.

Speaker 1 There are three times he said he couldn't make it because of prior muffler engagement. Okay, all right.
Listen, that's a three-time callback, and that's a felony. Listen, Adam.

Speaker 1 Adam, Adam, is it not true that he has been invited many times and that his publicist, I don't remember her name, I take it.

Speaker 1 I think it's Enid Crudd, I think is her name, said no,

Speaker 1 not his cup of tea.

Speaker 1 I can confirm he's been invited multiple times. You left Crudd? Wow.

Speaker 1 No, I'm texting Kara Trapicchio and Christine Trapicchio right now saying, show me the receipts of my invites to Conan. Oh, that's right, because

Speaker 1 there's always a money exchange when I ask you to come up.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 do you think that they're going to let you feel bad about this? This is their businesses just dancing around

Speaker 1 your rage fits, babe. And there's no way that they're going to feed it.
And I'll tell you something. Tell you something.
Conan, how do you spell your name real quick? Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 Jason, Jason, if that's even your right. A-N or A-N.
Jason,

Speaker 1 it's K-O-N-I-N.

Speaker 1 Jesus. Did you hear the little whoop that text just went off? No, wait, wait, wait.
But Jason, you're going to go this year for the very first time. This is going to be a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 To the party, but not to the podcast. I would like to be a guest on Conan's podcast.
You have been invited.

Speaker 1 You have Empire. You have been invited.
He's our North Star, what he's been able to build there with that podcast empire. Yeah.
And I would like to go see how it's really done. Oh, well, thank you.

Speaker 1 And you know what?

Speaker 1 Right off camera, he was going like this.

Speaker 1 And just so in case anyone knows, that's either the jerk-off motion or the shucking corn motion. I don't know what that is.
Wait, you know, I'm going to wrap this up soon because I have a guest.

Speaker 1 When is Taylor Swift coming in? Is she coming in now? She's coming in in person, right? Oh, my God. I don't know what the calc, you guys probably had her, but anyway, she's coming in.

Speaker 1 She's coming in with Travis. Travis Kelsey.
Oh, that's cool. The white whale.
Anyway, Conan, why are you talking? Tell her to watch. Why are you wearing?

Speaker 1 Why are you wearing such a thick leather jacket? A leather white jacket indoors, yeah. I was given this leather jacket by the actors who portrayed both Starsky and Hutch about 15 years ago.

Speaker 1 And I swore they said, we'll give this to you if you wear it on the podcast every day. And I do.
I do.

Speaker 1 And it's very cold here in our studio because we also store, it's a meat storage facility primarily.

Speaker 1 Look at that. You do have a beautiful studio there.
We're hostage videos here with little laptops.

Speaker 1 I find to really get a great interview.

Speaker 1 I haven't really listened to what you guys are doing, but

Speaker 1 to get a really good interview, you want to be in person and have a real connection with you.

Speaker 1 By the way, let us know if when you do get a good interview, let us know if your theory bears out. You know what I mean? Oh,

Speaker 1 we'd love to hear. Now, Conan, if I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio and be

Speaker 1 camera ready and hair and make it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's called a talk show. I'll make a deal with a talk show.
Okay, Jason, let me make a deal with you.

Speaker 1 I don't ever want you to leave your bubble. I want you to stay in the world where you're it and everything's cool.
So I would

Speaker 1 love to wait. Here's a real-time response from my publicist.

Speaker 1 I said, have I ever been invited to be on Conan's podcast? And she says, yes. Yes.
And you were asked, yes. And you asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now.
Wow. Exclamation point.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And how many years have you guys been focusing on your own? Holy shit.

Speaker 1 This isn't a new endeavor for you guys. I am so embarrassed.
When was that? Yeah. Yeah.
I don't remember that at at all. Oh, right.
And I do.

Speaker 1 I make it a point to do people's podcasts that have been so nice with us. Yeah.
I've done Dax's multiple times. Yeah.
Oh, multiple times for Dax. Oh, that's nice.
Multiple.

Speaker 1 David Cross is the one that I don't even know if it's on the air.

Speaker 1 Listen, that has never actually gone out. David Cross's is.
What's the address? I'm driving over there right now. No, no, no.
I don't want you here anymore. I'm driving.
Tell Taylor to pump it.

Speaker 1 And can you? And

Speaker 1 she's now the second guest. Can I tell you something? This is going to be an awkward Christmas.

Speaker 1 I don't buy this whole thing, and I don't think your compatriots on the podcast do either. This whole thing that, oh, someone who works for me was cruel and mean on my behalf.

Speaker 1 That's coming from you, Bateman. No, it's coming from you.
Yes, you asked us to tell them you were focused on your offer.

Speaker 1 I'm admitting to there was some garbage that came out of my mouth that I don't remember, but I'm not denying. And I owe you a huge, and I'm going to come over and give it to you, right? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I don't want you there now. I think that's what I'm saying.
No, I'm coming. I'm coming.
Because what am I going to do?

Speaker 1 I'm going to stand around. I'm your new Andy Richter.
I can't wait. I'm going to podcast Andy Richter for at least 12 episodes.

Speaker 1 I'm going to sit around at my party and watch you not eat and then look at your watch while you think about, oh, when am I going to go see Jen? I got to go to Jen's. I got to go to Jen's.

Speaker 1 I want to be there when she's getting

Speaker 1 a dry blow haircut, whatever it's called. I want to be there when she's styled.
No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 It's a blowout at a dry bar. Okay, well, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I didn't grow up in Hollywood like you freaks. I come from the real working class.
Toronto, you asshole. Oh, yeah, Toronto, North La Cienega.
That isn't even funny.

Speaker 1 I'm giving you stuff that's C-plus mature at best. Would you ever, hey, Conan, would you ever get to blow out on your hair? Let's just say it's been done.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? Nobody knows what that means. Nobody knows what that means.
You know what? I'm going to be honest with you, Will. I don't understand what it means.
Okay. And

Speaker 1 if you want to drive a truck, you want to drive the best truck possible with a deep. GMC, GMC truck.

Speaker 1 I will say this about you, Conan. I'm going to pay you a compliment here because it is the holidays.
And I will say this. I did your podcast years ago.
The first time I did it, I did a live show.

Speaker 1 I've done a lot. You've done a lot.
You've helped me out a lot. You know what? You repaid the favor that you, the three of you love me.
Two of you have repaid it very kindly. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I will say, it was after doing your podcast, I was able to come back and I said to these guys, I said, if this freaking ding dong, or no, if Conan can,

Speaker 1 what are we doing?

Speaker 1 What are we doing? You know what I mean? What's the fellow's name over there, Adam? Yeah. What's his name? Adam.
Adam Seth. Adam.
Okay, Adam. I know.
Hey, Lamb. Adam's great.
Hi, Adam.

Speaker 1 Let's just make sure you got a good Wi-Fi signal there on your phone or bars or something like that. Let's just keep an eye on it.
We got an incoming. Okay.

Speaker 1 Now he's inviting himself on here. We're going to book it right now.
Yeah, we're going to book it right now. We're going to book you on the podcast.
You know what? Guess what?

Speaker 1 Jason, I'm going to guest toast. When you need to go out of town and vacation with your beautiful family,

Speaker 1 you need someone to go in there.

Speaker 1 I'm going to the beach you guys are going to. Aren't you going to a beach together? I want to go to that beach.

Speaker 1 I want to hang with the beach. We'll do it from the beach.
I want to do it with the, I just want to hang with the smartless crowd. That's the cool crowd on the block.
No one wants to hang with me.

Speaker 1 It came.

Speaker 1 She's got follow-up here. The request came in when you were filming Black Rabbit, and then they followed up to ask.
Okay, so this is in process. So this is in process.
What's Black Rabbit?

Speaker 1 Black Rabbit's new show. It's going to be out on Netflix next year.
Oh, I'm going to go. It's amazing.
Oh, I'm going to be a good one. I'm going to come on and promote it on your show.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you'll come when it's time to promote something. Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, I hope you get the word out on Black Rabbit.

Speaker 1 Call Adam immediately. Listen, listen, guys.
Let's end on a happy note, which is it's the holidays.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 hey, you're the best looking guys I know. I love you guys.
You're hilarious. Love you too.

Speaker 1 Two of you have meant a lot to me.

Speaker 1 And I just want to say I look forward to seeing you at my party. And then we'll all leave after three minutes and go to Jen's.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Conan, for the holiday cheer. We love you.
God bless you. God bless you.
Conan, I love you, and I'm sorry. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 The payback's going to be, you're going to feel horrible how much I give

Speaker 1 in the days to come. Yeah, in the days to come.
He's doing your podcast this Saturday. He's going to give a speech.
Oh, God. Standing next to the ham.

Speaker 1 I'm going to bring 16 hams.

Speaker 1 Guys, I got to go. T.
Swift is here. Peace out.
Peace out. Thank you, Conan.

Speaker 1 You're the best. Bye, Conan.
Bye-bye, you guys.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Smart.

Speaker 1 Let us.

Speaker 1 Smart.

Speaker 1 Let us.