"Kieran Culkin"

Listen to The Unusual Suspects with Kenya Barris and Malcolm Gladwell, a new podcast on Audible. Kenya Barris and Malcolm Gladwell joined forces to interview luminaries of entertainment, sports, business, politics, and more to learn about their paths to success.
These deep yet casual conversations reveal unexpected stories that may just change the way you think. Featured guests include our friend Jimmy Kimmel, the longest-running late-night TV host.
Isn't that interesting? David Chang, who is on our show, who's fantastic. He's the renowned chef and founder of the Momofuku Restaurant Group.
Listen to The Unusual Suspects with Kenya Barris and Malcolm Gladwell on Audible now. Go to audible.com slash unusual suspects.
While Hilton is always expected to have top-notch service, you'd be surprised at the unexpected places they're offering it now. They've partnered with AutoCamp, which offers insanely cool airstreams in iconic outdoor destinations.
Hilton also has an exclusive partnership with small luxury hotels of the world, providing Hilton Honors members access to luxury boutique hotels

across the globe. And they've added romantic and refined nomad hotels and graduate hotels

in your favorite college towns to their portfolio. Explore all the new ways to stay

with those Hilton Honors points you've been saving at Hilton.com. Hilton for the stay.
It's a lot. Thankfully, there's Breeze, HubSpot's suite of AI tools.

Now you can turn one piece of content into all the assets you need, find the best leads, and beef up your reporting all in one place.

Plus, you'll have way more fun explaining your job at parties.

Visit HubSpot.com slash marketers to see how companies like yours are generating 110% more leads in just 12 months.

Guys, welcome to today's podcast.

How are you both feeling?

Does somebody have a gun to your head?

Yeah, well, it's just out of frame.

It's not so much a gun as a crossbow.

I've never seen you this.

A crossbow.

Have you ever shot a crossbow?

Oh, no.

Did I blow it?

Welcome to Smartless.

Smart.

Smart.

Smart. Hi.
Hi. Hi, how are you guys? How are you? Can I just dive right in? Yeah, do you mind? Oh, you have some prepared material? Go ahead.
I don't know how prepared material. Guys, I was in the fucking ER again last night.
Here's what. Here's what.
I had a kidney stone. I thought I was having appendicitis or something.
So I had a kidney stone. So I haven't been to bed yet.
Why did you not cancel this record? No, it's fine. I'm fine.
I'm actually in a good way. Buddy, it would have been such a quick text for me.
I hear that's the most painful thing in the world. You can't even know.
I haven one in years and years so you had one out or you had one put in I had one so the pain was excruciating I'm like oh Scotty I got it Scotty I got it out of the ER it was awful can you tell me where it hurts is it in the tinky or is it in the kidney no it's in your side I'm going to say it's in your kidney and then I'm still a little bit on morphine I still have a oh, that's in your side. Yeah, I'm going to say it's in your kidney.
Yeah. And then I'm still a little bit on morphine.
I still like have a... Oh, that's kind of fun.
That is kind of fun. Wait a second.
Which I've never had. So, Shani, so you're in the hospital last week or whenever it was for a couple of times in a night.
Like a month ago, yeah. Right, twice in that one night.
Yeah, yeah. And then this.
And then you're back and then you get the full scope thing that you went and had done and then you have this and my question to you is this. Yes, yeah, yeah.
Are you paying so much attention to your well-being and your condition that you're... You know what I mean? What do you mean? No.
That was a half a sentence. Yeah.
That because you're so... I'm not saying that the experience isn't real.
Oh, obviously it's real but there is a lot of attention paid to your health and to your condition at all times is he potentially creating some of this stuff by having such a close look at it psychosomatic I should have prefaced it by saying I'm not a doctor but And I think that you guys know that. But you're on morphine too.
Yeah. And also not from a doctor.
No, but it's like a cycle. I know what you mean, but it's a cycle because if something happens to me, then I fear that I don't want that thing to happen again.
I'm not saying it's psychosomatic, but I am suggesting that maybe you spend so much time and energy thinking about your health and your own condition. I know, I know.
That if you were to think about other things or other people, you do think about other people, you're a very thoughtful person. But I wonder, do you know what I mean? Again, I don't know.
But he's being careless with the food that he eats, so that's sort of like keeping his eye off the ball and being sort of lax. That is true.
It's surprising for somebody who's so concerned with their health because you are quite on top of it.

You should start smoking.

Well, yeah, like me.

You know what, though?

I was lying there.

I just had like bed head

and I have these scabs on my ankles

and I have this IV in my arm

and I look to Scotty.

I look to Scotty and I go,

all this could be yours.

Can I ask you about where the scabs from the ankles came from?

Yeah, can I ask too?

Not to see them, just where they came from.

I don't know.

They just, like, I don't know.

Just dry skin or whatever.

Wait, so now you've just got, like, old man scabs?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's got old man scabs.

I know.

Sean, I imagine walking into the gym at Sean's gym,

walking into the men's locker room, and he's got a hair dryer to his nutsack. He's one of those guys.
And you're like, fuck, man. Morning.
Dude, how you doing? You're like, fucking dude. These fuckers won't dry.
Dude. What are you? That's funny.
By the way, Jay, I switched the Nutcracker to the 21st if you want to go. Oh, you did? Okay, great.
And Willie, please come if you want to. I'm going to be back in New York.
Okay. And Jay, we're going anyway, so if you can go, great.
If not, we'll do something else. Jay, are you going to be just you or are you going to bring your Nutcracker with you? No, she'll be there.
It's just a great blow to the coffee chat. And here comes our guest.
Wait a second. I just want to say one more thing.
I was just thinking about this. And obviously, I smoke from time to time.
And people are like, don't smoke. I feel like I'm a world-class smoker.
Yeah. Yeah, you're great at it.
You are. I really do.
And I feel like... You never smell like cigarettes.
You don't smoke a pack a day. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Obviously, they're going to play this clip at my, you know, TMZ will play this clip.
But it should be noted. It's fine.
It's so great, isn't it? It's a hard thing to beat. Although, you know, when I quit, they didn't have the vapes and the gums and the stickers and shit.
So there are things to replace it now. Yeah.
There are things to replace it. You know what? You've got a lot of shit.
You'll get to it when you want to get to it. No one's pushing you.
I know. There are things to replace it, but there's nothing to replace our guest.
Oh, great. You don't even know who our fucking guest is, but you're actually right, though.
Let Morphine Molly go.

By the way, did you know I was about to say that?

You could tell.

No, no.

But one of my sort of cheap segues.

By the way, I did move today from where I'm doing the podcast

because I wanted to be a little bit cheerier.

Oh, okay, good.

True story.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You used to be in the whisper booth.

Now you're in your office.

Now I'm in my office just because I wanted to.

Jack Shack?

I just wanted to be in the, yeah. I wasn't in the Jack Shack.
The Jack Shack. I forgot about my Jack Shack.
Remember the Jack Shack? The goo room. I think it's, the Jack Shack is covered in cobwebs.
I think they're cobwebs. Okay.
But you are right. You are right that our guest today cannot be replaced and certainly won't be forgotten.
I don't know why we even begin to forget because this person is so alive and vibrant right now and has been for a long time snaps and clicks were you'll like this they were really good they those are the mark of those are the kind of snaps and clicks of somebody who has confidence the confidence of longevity in doing what they do and i tell tell you, somebody who loves longevity is old JB.

Yeah.

And you're going to love this guy because you have a lot,

you have certain things in common in that both of you

have been performing since you were really, really young

on a professional level.

And I love guests like this and particularly love this guest

whom I do not know because they are so fucking talented.

Kurt Russell.

And funny and cool and smart.

It's not Kurt Russell. But this person has been nominated for- Shirley MacLaine.
And won Emmys, Golden Globes, everything. You can't even imagine the number of films- Sally Struthers.
You know him from Igby Goes Down. You know him from Scott Pilgrim vs.
the World. Michael Cera.
No, it's not Michael Cera. Edgar Wright.
No, you also know him from Soderbergh's No Sudden Move, but you're really going to know him really, really, really, really, really well from his new film, A Real Pain, but also mostly... Jesse Eisenberg.
Succession. Kieran Culkin.
It's Kieran Culkin. God damn it, finally got it.
Bateman, you ruined the intro when it's just constant guessing. Sally Struthers was close though.
Sally Struthers was not a bad guess. That was not, Shirley MacLaine was pretty close too.
Yeah. Oh, Kieran, I'm so happy to see you there.
It's crazy. This is really exciting for me.
This is one of my favorite shows. This has been a long time coming.
We had a few times where we were going to have Kieran on, and then we couldn't for various reasons that we won't get into. Oh, this is Kieran.
Yes. And look, I canceled for bullshit like a month ago.
And Sean, you didn't even cancel. You were in the emergency room? Yeah.
Jay, what were you going to say? I just wanted to frame up the 90-second delay on Sean there going, oh, yes, it's Kieran. Just then.
I know. Fucking morphine is strong, right? No, because I remember he was supposed to be on.
I didn't know who it was, but you must have been that guest that week. Oh, yes.
Yes. Yeah, mine was not kidney stones.
Have you ever had one? But it was beyond his control. Have you ever had a kidney stone or have you ever seen one? No, to me, that's my biggest nightmare.
But I thought the, like you said, I thought the pain came from the pee-pee, not the... No, it starts in your back in the kidney.
That's why it's a kidney stone. And then it works way through to the bladder.
And now it's out. So it's sitting in my bladder.
So I have another painful thing coming when I pee it out. No, no, no.
Because you're going to pee it out. Yeah, because when you pee it out, that's when it hurts.
But it only hurts for five, you know, two seconds. They break it down, right? Don't they like, right? If it's big, this one wasn't big.
I think they also have a small tool that can spread your aperture there at the end of your tinky. Stop it.
That's what's coming for you. The worst thing I ever heard.
The meatus? The meatus? The dime slot? It's a clamp. When does that come out? A reverse clamp.
It's a dime slot. When does that come out? When is that? Do you just like wait until you start cooking? That comes out January 15th, right? Is President's Day weekend? Is that when it is? Buy a new mattress, pee out of kidney stone, yeah.
Yeah, it's going to be a huge opening weekend. Wait, Shawnee, is that truly the next stage is the breakdown and then the pee out? Your body breaks it down.
I mean, no, your body doesn't break down. It just passes through.
What is that? The thing that the tube that goes from your kidney to your bladder. Eurethra.
Penis. No, that's your penis hole.
Tube. P-tube.
Oh, God. Something like that.
Anyway, and it hangs out in the bladder. Anyway, Kieran, how are you? Bunch of doctors.
This is great. We're doing so well.
Anyway, Kieran. Welcome to our show.
I love, I love this. This is exactly what I thought I'd be talking about, a bunch of bullshit.
I got my wife, or rather Santa Claus got my wife a hoodie last year that said, explain it to me like I'm Tracy. No, come on.
Are you serious? You guys should sue because I didn't buy it through you. That's merch money that you guys aren't getting.
Is that an Etsy? Is that an Etsy thing? It was like something, I think it was, or like Redbubble or one of those fucking things, you know? Wait, hang on a second. Explain it to me like I'm Tracy.
I want one of those. Yeah, I do too.
Hang on, I do want to say one thing. I can also talk at the same time.
No, you can't. I can't believe that JB knows about Etsy.
That's the thing that I'm most shocked about. How do you know about Etsy? Dude, where do you think I get my throw pillows? I don't know.
Karen, my sister is a big fan of yours, by the way. As am I.
That's Tracy. You haven't seen anything of mine, right? Haven't you guys not watched Succession? I'm going to make a sweatshirt that says find somebody who loves you the way that Tracy loves Karen.
Why don't we just say that? Get that one. Karen, I do want to get this out of the way.
I am very embarrassed to say I am the only person on the planet that has yet to start, only because I'm very serious about my ingestion of quality product. Yeah, I'm waiting till I can sit down and just suck it up like the addict that I am.
It's one of the biggest shows ever. Everybody I know loves it.
I've never heard a bad thing about it. And I'm embarrassed to say I started it, then I was like, okay, I got to restart it.
And I haven't. But I did see most of season one.
You are so fucking funny, dude. And so facile and so quick.
You can tell that it's, obviously it's really well written and there's a great cast, but you have a facility to you that is really unique and really impressive. Do you know what I mean? Thank you.

I have seen enough clips of not only that

but everything else you've ever done. I've seen those

things. You do seem very

comfortable with what you do.

And that's like, it's fun

to watch. That's lately.

Well, then you were a

greater actor than I thought you were

because you always look like you're having fun, you're not working too hard in the best sense of the phrase. And as a viewer, you're just, you're relaxed watching you do your thing because it looks like you're having fun and you're not stressing about your performance and are you hitting your beats and, you know.
Oh, God, no, I don't hit beats, yeah, or marks or any of that stuff.

You're rad. You're rad.
I can't

wait to see real pain. About like

10 years ago, my wife sort of made fun

of me. I was doing a play, and I was like, I need to go

to work, and she would, pfft, work. What you

do is literally called play.

Right, no, my wife, the same thing, doesn't give

it up. Yeah, but she's

kind of right. Maybe I'll go out there and just have

fun with it and just stick around. This is not extra serious.
This is just us, you know, I don't know. I maybe i'll go out there and just have fun with it and just stick around this is not extra serious this is just us you know i don't know i'd like to go out there and play yeah and do you think that that level of comfort and ease is because you started so young and it was not really ever framed initially to you as like an occupation a job a way in which to make a living or was it though or was it or was it framed as a way of paying the rent there's a lot of there's a lot of stuff that I think because I started doing it at six, like that's helped me now is like I learn lines incredibly fast.
I know I've listened to the show a lot, Jason. I know you're the same way.
Yeah, that's like Jay. I often like on a real pain.
Do you guys know Jesse Eisenberg? Oh, not yet. No.
Oh, no, You should meet him. He's just, he's anxiety personified.

And nothing caused him more panic

than me walking to set and going,

what are we shooting today?

And he's like, what?

No, I wrote, there's like a whole page long speech.

What's wrong with you?

I was like, I learned the lines fast.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

And I don't like to rehearse.

And I just sort of like look it over really quickly

and go, oh, those are the words.

I'll just, you know.

Right, rely on instinct.

Yeah, just go.

I'm with you.

Yeah.

Yeah, JB's really good at that. I think that that could be, obviously, it works for you, and it's very freeing, right? So that you're not stuck into a— But there are certain parts, if I was more courageous, I would take on some parts that probably deserve a lot more research, study, practice.
But I do really enjoy kind of not acting. I think we've talked about this before, right? I love watching actors that do act.
We enjoy you not acting too. As much as possible.
Believe me. We're all rooting for you.
I like being the audience as opposed to being, you know, the character. Jason,

do you take it personally

when everybody keeps encouraging you

to direct more?

Yeah.

It's starting to wear on me.

But wait,

but Kieran,

what about,

on Succession,

those big scenes

where there's lots of people,

there's so much dialogue

and like,

I mean,

you almost have to memorize

everybody else's lines too,

right?

Yeah,

sort of.

And I can do that fast.

There was,

you know,

I'm that. That's pretty cool.
I just jumped in and stole her line and gave her a little side eye. And then she looked at me like, all right, game on.

And then later on she took mine, you know.

That's great, I love that.

That's pretty cool.

But we ran it like,

we sort of did it like a play.

There wasn't really a lot of rehearsing.

We would go in there,

we would always run the full scene,

like three, four, maybe five times.

Cameras were always vaguely somewhere.

There was no such thing as like coverage,

pickup shots.

Really?

I love that.

Wow.

I remember like in a camera assistant, like he showed up, it it was a new guy, and we were kind of rehearsing. He put a mark down, and I stopped the rehearsal and looked at him and said, first day? Yeah.
Yeah, that sounds like Arrested Development. You've got multiple cameras, and they're just sort of tagging different stuff on each take, and by the time you run it three or four times, it's fully covered.
That's why that show was so freaking alive. I my third viewing of that show that show was great we were never yeah but it's true we were never really aware of the cameras in that way and talk about a sense of play truly you we had that same feeling which was it was super fun and you could kind of do anything it's so alive that that's why like because you you guys were connecting and like you guys were very live very alive, and that's what people respond to, I think.
And we didn't learn, we also didn't learn our lines before. We would kind of do it, we'd have a sort of a camera blocking, as it were.
It was pretty loose. And we would just kind of, everybody would just kind of throw it out there.
And right, JB? Yeah. How many times, do you remember that time we would come back to shoot that extra, the first Netflix season and the whole, the first day Jason and I had a 12 page two man scene which was just, do you remember that? And then we were walking towards stage and Mitch Hurwitz comes up to us and he goes, hey guys, so I kind of rewrote the thing and we're like, uh-huh.
So he gave us and we just go like this on the way to say going, uh-huh, uh-huh. And then, okay, you're going to come in here.
You come in the front door. All right, I'm going to go there.
You're going to go there, and rolling, and here we go. Perfect.
And you just kind of fucking go. That's so fun.
Yeah, your back's against the wall. You got to go.
And Karen, are you excited to find another project that is similar to that? Is it now a way in which you love to work that you'd love to replicate on all future jobs? Or do you want something like the polar opposite, where it's very specific and measured? What do you think? That is a really good question because I think when I started working on Succession, I had to throw everything that I used to do out the window because I'd never done a TV show before. My thing was like, be off book months before,

learn everyone else's lines, and be extremely prepared.

And then because it's the nature of a TV show

where you don't know the next episode,

and also our show, we were getting rewrites on the day,

similar to what you just said,

I had to abandon that and just go fly by the seat of my pants.

But it lent itself to that character

because he was the kind of guy

who could sort of talk his way in and out of any situation. So he didn't really have to think before he spoke.
So it was sort of like, he was that guy. So I've been trying to mentally prepare for like, as it feels like going backwards, like doing a job with coverage.
And so when we started doing A Real Pain, I sort of thought we were going to do that, which we did kind of on the first day or so. But the character in that movie is like the most spontaneous sort of surprising person.
It's the kind of thing where just when you think you sort of have him down, just to spite you, he's going to give you a different reaction than what you're expecting. Which is a great counterbalance to Jesse's character, correct? Exactly, yeah.
And he wrote it, he directed it.

He shot the whole thing.

Before I got there, he shot it on his phone

playing my character, and he would tell me things like,

okay, so in this scene you sit over there,

and I would go, how do you know?

He's like, well, what do you mean, how do you know?

Well, we haven't tried it. He goes, well, why can't you sit there?

I said, maybe I could, but we haven't tried it.

What do you mean, why doesn't it work? I'm sure it works.

And we talked about playing a freaking circle for a while. I love, you get to set the first day.
He's like, hey, I got to cut of the movie right here. You were great.
We're just doing pickups today. So then how was it when you would say like, well, yeah, maybe I don't sit there.
Maybe I'd stand over here. That way he would just like throw out all of his coverage and just be like, oh, fuck.
He kind of abandoned it on like the or third day. Wow.
Really? You forced him to? Well, because, yeah, we had to shoot this sequence that he had mapped out, but the whole idea of it was like, I want my picture taken in front of the statue, and then I start gathering the other people in this tour group to come with me, and he had planned it all out. And I was like, well, isn't sort of the point to just,

for me to get them into the idea

and we're all going to take a photo together?

And he's like, yeah, so do you mind if we just try it once?

And then he basically just told the cinematographer,

like, never mind, fuck the shot list, pick up the camera.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, that's great, though.

How cool is that?

Because then you guys ended up creating something together.

It was much more collaborative.

And I wonder if, and JB, you can kind of maybe address it a little bit, having directed so much now. Having that for Jesse, I don't know, we should ask him, having that sort of set, that shot list, everything the way he wants to see it, and he was so ready and so regimented.
You come in, you kind of throw a wrench in that whole thing. And I bet you freed him up in a lot of ways.
Maybe. I think it freaked him out a lot, though.

I'm sure it freaked him out.

I think it scared the shit out of him, but yeah.

Yeah, because the clock is ticking.

You got this call sheet you got to get done in 12 hours

and it's like,

now I got a fucking pain in the ass actor

that's throwing it all up into a blender.

Yeah, but we ended up getting our scenes a lot faster, actually.

That's how I felt anyway.

I was sort of like,

well, you know,

let's just run the whole thing a couple of times

instead of picking up these little pieces

and then, you know,

you get to shoot it how you want.

And we will be right back. Have you met All Modern? All Modern thinks making your space modern with fresh furniture and decor should be easy.
That's why All Modern's team of modern-obsessed experts hand vets each design for quality. And not to mention they offer fast and free shipping.
Yep, that means you can upgrade your home in days, not weeks. So whether you're updating your living room with a plush new sofa, setting up an alfresco dining area with a modern table and chairs, or designing a cozy fireside retreat, All Modern has everything for your modern outdoor escape all in one place.
That's modern made for real life. Shop now at allmodern.com or visit them in store in Linfield and Dedda, Massachusetts, or in Austin, Texas.
While Hilton is always expected to have top-notch service, you'd be surprised at the unexpected places they're offering it now. They've partnered with AutoCamp, which offers insanely cool airstreams in iconic outdoor destinations.
Hilton also has an exclusive partnership with small luxury hotels of the world, providing Hilton Honors members access to luxury boutique hotels across the globe. And they've added romantic and refined nomad hotels and graduate hotels in your favorite college towns to their portfolio.
Explore all the new ways to stay with those Hilton Honors points you've been saving at Hilton.com. Hilton, for the stay.
And if they're not available, I will talk to a therapist and I've been going to therapy for a long time and it's always great. So think about your favorite leaders, mentors, and idols.
They don't have all the answers, but they do know when to ask questions or seek support from their community. In a society that glorifies hyper-independence, it's easy to forget that we're all better when we have a support system behind us.
Therapy can be a source of support for any area of your life. It's time to shift that focus from doing it all to knowing that we're better when we ask for help.
BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties.
Easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Build your support system with BetterHelp.
Visit betterhelp.com slash smartlist to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash smartless.

And now, back to the show.

Kieran, now you're going to take all of that, that way you're working, all that kind of stuff. How is this going to be different? You're now going to go, and you've worked, obviously, you've done theater before, but you're going back to Broadway.
Is that right? In the spring? Yeah, I am. Glengarry Glen Ross.
Glengarry Glen Ross. Can I be in it? Yes, but no.
It's already cast. You need an understudy? Sure, it can be my understudy.
Bob Odenkirk's in it, Bill Burr, Michael McKean. Oh, great.
Look at that. What a cast.
I'm terrified. I thought I was...
When do you open? March-ish. I don't know.
They don't even have a theater, but they keep telling me that. I think you'll be fine.
Try the Tabasco. It's spicy.
It's big. It's a great theater, the Tabasco.
Home of Goodbye Oscar. And it was a great shoot.
Good night. Good night, Oscar.
Are you about to ask, Sean, are you about to ask me about funny theater stories? Yes. But if you have any...
Funny things that happen. If you have any, please share them.
I love it. But look, Kieran, you can't...
Let him tell a theater story. Oh, terrible.
No, I wasn't actually prompting myself for a funny bit. I just know that Sean likes to ask that.
Like, or it's audition stories or... Yes, jump in.
I love those. Those are my favorite stories if you have one.
I got a really quick one, which is I did a play 10 years ago with Michael Cera. Nice.
This is our youth. And I had food poisoning.
It's already funny. And the moment the show started and the lights came up, I realized, oh, I'm fucked.
So I spent like an hour just trying not to vomit. And by the end of the first act, I had this whole speech.
And I realized I can't open my mouth. I'm going to vomit.
And I had this whole speech where I have to get the money. There's an amount and what I'm spending it on.
And I stood up next to the door to leave the apartment. I'm wobbling.
And I had the speech, and there's like a five, six-second long pause that's not supposed to be there. And I hold my hand out, and I just went, money.
And he put the money in my hand. I ran out, and the stage manager, I guess, had put a bucket right next to the door.
Oh, God. And I started violently, loudly vomiting in this bucket.
They were trying to drag me away, but I couldn't. I was just holding onto this bucket for dear life vomiting.
I asked Michael afterwards, I said, could you guys hear me? He goes, are you fucking kidding me? He goes, it was the most surreal shared experience I've ever had with a group of people of listening to a grown man vomit in a bucket. I'm just imagining Michael's just dry takes out to the house while everyone's here.
He said he grabbed a comic book and started trying to casually read a comic book as if this wasn't happening. Until you made your re-entrance? No, the understudy came in in Act 2.
Oh, wow, While I spent, yeah, I was vomiting upstairs for the next few hours,

and they somehow dragged me home for hours more of vomiting.

That's the best theater story we've heard yet, Sean. That's really good, Sean.

Yes, I think that's really great.

I love that.

So wait, so this was in London then?

No, that one was in New York, but Wikipedia is correct.

I did do that play in London like eight years before that.

No, no, no, no.

Will, you're the one who had time to actually do the research. I actually do know that you did This Is Our Youth play in London like eight years before that.
No, no, no, no. Will, you're the one who had time

to actually do the research.

I actually do know

that you did This Is Our Youth

also in London.

I have a very close relationship

with This Is Our Youth

because the original cast,

Missy Yeager

was in the original cast,

whom I lived with at the time.

She was my girlfriend

in the 90s.

I knew that.

And I remember

when they first did it

and she and Kenny

first did it

with Mark and Josh Hamilton.

I saw it about 42 times.

Yeah, it's an amazing play. It's a great play.
It's such a brilliant play. I can't let it go.
Like, I played it as the character Warren in London, and I felt like I never got it right, so I spent, like, years trying to do it again and then realized I actually was right for the other part. I just had to spend years convincing Kenny Lonergan that I was right for that part.
And then I got to do it in Chicago, Sydney, New York. No way.
Wow. I can't seem to let it go.
Oh, that I did not know. Would it make a good movie? I don't know.
I've always tried to crack that one. I don't think I, I don't know.
What about that? What about directing a movie? Directing? Or anything. I don't know.
I don't have that thing. You don't have a directing thing.
I'm not that ambitious. I doubt that's true.
I doubt that's true. Yeah.
I keep. You've been around, you've been around film and you've been making films since you were, as you said, six.
Well, first of all, what was the first, let's get into this. What was the first professional experience you had working in TV, film, etc.? The first professional experience I had was a commercial when I was six.
And I actually don't quite know what it was for. But it was like for something to do with learning disabilities.
And I remember that I was put, the concept was I'm standing in front of a chalkboard with chalk in my hand. And I don't know how to solve the easy thing in front of me.
And the kids in class are supposed to be calling me dummy and stupid, all that. And I have a distinct memory of being there and the director going, okay, he's like, action.
And he starts going, dummy, idiot, stupid. Oh my God.
And like, even then, even then I'm thinking like, you know, I get it. I'm six.
Like, stand here and look sad. I'm not fucking method.
I'm six. What's wrong with you? Right, right, right.
Oh, my God. I think he was just kidding.
But why do I have, I have this image of you. I can't remember what I was watching where you were, either you hosted or your brother hosted SNL.
Oh, good. I thought you were going to say I have this image of you on my hard drive.
Okay, keep going. Well, that's Leah.
That's it. But wait, why were you on, what was I watching where they did a zoom in on you and you were like on stage on SNL or something? So I hosted SNL a couple of years ago and it was 30 years.
Oh, that's what it was. It was 30 years almost to the day.
It was like a couple days shy of being 30 years from when my brother hosted. And I got to be in like three sketches.
So I got to be there for the good nights and stuff like that. That's really cool.
That was so cool. Was that surreal? That really was.

It was one of those things I thought would never, ever happen,

but there's very few

things I...

Like I said, I'm not very ambitious.

I don't have these big

aspiring dreams, but hosting SNL

was like that one. That one and

voicing The Simpsons, which I still haven't done yet.

Those are the two things I've always wanted to do.

Here they come.

I remember one time, I remember when JB was asked to host the first time. This is a true story.
And you probably don't remember this. And you were first, you got asked to do it.
This was in, you did it in like January of 2005, I think. It wasn't after like the first year or second year? Second year, yes.
Yeah, it was January 2005. And I remember you going, dude, they just asked me, I'm going to host SNL.
I go, that's fucking great. And you go, I mean, it's like a dream come true.
And I was like, yeah, no shit. Obviously, it's a fucking, what do you think you're fucking, this was a dream come true for me.
Oh, is it? lot of people but there's a lot of people and I won't mention their names here because maybe they're not excited about it but they will never host SNL because it's so frightening to them I've heard that yeah it's like the thing they would least like to do and they've turned it down down a million times. There's tons of them.
Yeah, I guess. I've heard that one.
So that's probably where I was coming from. Okay, that's a good defense.
Do you want to know my favorite good nights stories? Because when you do the good nights at the end, all that's on the cue card is the musical guest and anybody else that showed up. And while you're five seconds of TV, Lauren goes, okay, enjoy.

And I go, what do I say?

He goes, anything you want.

And walks away.

And all I'm doing is looking at the cue cards.

But I said the normal good nights,

but my favorite I've ever seen was Liam Neeson hosted

like in the early 2000s.

And the camera cuts to him and he just goes,

modest mouse.

And then it's just quiet.

And then they just start playing the music.

It's so good. It's just reading the cards, not doing it anymore.
He literally just read the cue card. Honest mouse.
I started hugging. Karen, you can't be you and not be super smart.
Like, you seem hyper-intelligent because, while you talk fast, like I usually do, not today on morphine, but you talk, it seems like you're firing on all cylinders. Did they say that you had to smoke the morphine? I don't get it.
So they gave you the option and you were like, no, I want to. I still have a, what is it called? A drip point.
Track marks. But you seem really like, you talk fast, which means you think fast, which means you can probably like to, when Will was talking to you or Chase was talking about directing, it seems like people who fire in all cylinders all the time can do stuff like that.
So if you don't want to do that, what do you do to like- Occupy all that extra bandwidth. Yeah.
God, I don't know, drive my wife crazy. I don't even have like hobbies.
Crosswords? I don't like, not even, I do like, you know, wordle-cordle bullshit. Like I know he does.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it weird that I know stuff about you because I listen to your show too much? Will, pull him in.
There's that empty seat. Have you guys ever filled my seat? Yeah, no, we have a filled seat.
Better way to say that. Yeah.
I'm just going to say. We still play every morning.
Yeah, I'm still. Whirtle, quirtle, and octurtle.
Octurtle. You do the octurtle? Octurtle I haven't done in a whitel.
Yeah, A Widal. In a Widal.
In a Widal. What a dipshit.
Yeah, you just said I'm smart and I speak fast. Not correctly.
But Quirtle was really, I will say today was really tough and it was a bust. We had three busts on Quirtle today, which was a big, it was sending shockwaves through our Octurtle, Quirtle, Quirtle, Wirtle, what we call Nertle.
Now, Kieran, I find it hard to believe. There's nurdle, too.
Nurdle does exist. It's a math one.
You're really saying you do not have a hobby. I don't buy it.
Tell me, just tell me what your day is. Well, do you live in New York full-time? Are you a New York guy? I live in New York full-time, but also I'm amazed that people do things in a day.
Like, I just don't, I don't get it. So you wake up.
Exactly. You get the kid off to school.
How many kids do you have? That's it. That's the whole, I just woke up and then suddenly, like, I'm already getting ready for bed.
How did that happen? What did I do? How many kids do you have? I have two, a three-year-old and a five-year-old. So that's my hobby, I guess.
Is that's any, any time I'm not, like, this is really lovely and I really want to be here, but I feel like any time I'm doing something, I'm just trying to get home to be with the kids. Right.
Exactly. And then are you like me? Do you put on the PJs as soon as you're home if you know you're not leaving again the rest of the day, even if it's 1.30 in the afternoon? Yeah.
Absolutely. I mean, like, my walking around, like, it's a pair of shorts and a big T-shirt, but yeah, it's the same idea.
And then, so then is it television? Is it a book? Like, what are you, you're not just sitting on a couch staring at the wall. God, I haven't read a book since I had a kid, so that would be five years ago.
I forgot you're not a reader because the words just keep coming at you, right, Jason? Yeah, TV. Yeah, this is too much.
We're watching TV? The words just keep coming at you. They really do.
It's relentless. Almost no time for TV or movies unless I can put it in a schedule.
I don't know. So when you're done with us today, you log off and then what? I have a little Zoom meeting right after you and then I have to go do some.
I'm still doing press for the movies. So then about an hour after that Zoom, I go do press.
I actually don't know what the thing is I'm going to. I stopped looking at the itinerary.
They tell me to get in the car at 11 11.30. I get in at like 12.15 and hope for the best.
I literally, this happened a couple of weeks ago. I got in the back of a car about 45 minutes late and the guy said, Delta Airlines? And I went, I don't know.
And he said, he goes, JFK? And I said, beats me, man. I really don't fucking know.
You probably know. And then we literally, I wasn't even sure if I was going to the airport except for that I had a bag that was already packed um i got to the airport i put my passport in the machine and as i put it in i realized i don't know where i'm going today oh wow yeah and it was a good thing too because it was a long flight i was going to warsaw i'm glad i brought my passport why were you going to warsaw warsaw reshoots the movie was shot oh oh this movie yeah this movie it was shot there had like a how did you like warsaw yeah was about to say.
I hardly saw it. We were shooting like six-day weeks.
More like no-saw. All right.
Yeah, that was good. Good for you, Will.
Thank you. Poland, I hear, is a very, very beautiful country.
Oh, you've been hearing that? I have been hearing that. I have not yet visited yet.
Yeah, but I'm hearing it a lot. We're like on the grapevine? Yeah, on my text threads.
Really nice parks. My wife's from London, and she always brags about how the parks in London are the best in the world.
But the best parks she's ever seen were in Warsaw. Really? So she went with you.
The kids went with you? At the beginning. They were there for the first 11 to 12 days, and then once they left, I was, yeah, popping up.
And how long were you alone without them? 25 days. That was, yeah.
That's long. Oh, no, that was murderous, yes.
25 shooting days? That's five weeks? No, 25 full days. 25 full days, all right.
And actually, yeah, I tried to actually back out of the movie once I saw that that was the schedule. Jesse didn't know about that.
Wow.

Because I had recently,

I don't know if you guys have these rules,

like I just did, when I was doing Succession,

I had to do eight days away,

and I was like, that was tough but manageable,

and then I had to do 11 and went, I can't do that.

Eight is my, that's my new rule.

Wait, you live in New York, the show is shot in New York.

Jason, that's the opposite of your rule, right?

Which is it's minimum six months away. Or you're out.
Well, they're just so noisy, these kids. What about, wait, where did you have to go for succession that took you out for eight and 11 days away from New York? There was a lot of places, you know, like there's usually like once per season, watch the show that we ended up somewhere else.
You know, Italy, Norway. Sean's never seen a rest of development.
and we've been doing this podcast and we've been friends for 20 years. I know, still? Yeah.
No, I haven't. Jeez, I've watched it three times.
I haven't seen Ozark, it's okay. I always say I've seen it as much as they've watched Will and Grace.
I've seen a lot of Will and Grace and I was fucking on Will and Grace. You were on Will and Grace.
Yeah, so why don't you fucking, when you're sitting there passing your stone and nothing else that you can't do fuck all, watch a couple episodes. So you guys shot in incredible locations for Succession.
That I do know. You guys shot like in- Croatia, Tuscany.
Yeah. Yeah.
Norway. We were all over the map.
God, lucky bastard. I know.
How good is that? But it wasn't that, no, it wasn't that like nice. I remember like at the like, at the end of season two, my wife was, like, heavily pregnant.
It was August. She's back in New York, and she was basically complaining about how hot it was, and she was alone and all this stuff.
And she's like, and you're on a yacht in Croatia. I'm like, I'm not on a yacht.
I'm on a fucking set. It's not like I'm going swimming between takes and all that.
It's like, that's the thing when we travel to all these places. Unless you can specifically get some time off after, you're not really seeing the stuff.
Yeah. I don't know.
Right. Wait, wait, Kieran, so you've always been a New Yorker.
I want to get back to this because I saw a video, something of you recently, not even in anticipation of doing this. I just saw it out in the world of you revisiting your childhood apartment.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That was on CBS Sunday Morning, which is a great show.
Yeah. Right? That was a great show.
Yeah, it was. And it was really cool.
And I loved you going in and then seeing your former neighbor. That was not planned at all.
We were just like, they were setting up a camera outside and he was like, oh, hi, Kieran. I looked up.
That was like, Alice? Oh, thanks. Yeah.
So just talk a little bit about like growing up in New York and auditioning for stuff and what that was like. And now, as I mentioned in the lead-in, Jason, we often talk about people about being able to have that longevity and be able to kind of take what you, be a child actor and have that translate into becoming an adult actor as well is really rare.
Yeah. Petrifying.
I feel like other than what I mentioned earlier about learning lines fast and knowing that stuff, I feel like everything I did as a kid, I don't think I apply any of the acting stuff I used to do as a kid to what I do now. Really? I think it's the, yeah, because sometimes I see that in former kid actors.
I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, where there's sort of like bad habits you can sort of pick up along the way that you have to be mindful to. Right, you mentioned, in Igby, the director was like, I'm seeing the kid tricks.
Just fucking knock it off and be better, basically. Yeah, stop showing me what you're doing.
Stop trying to show me what the character's doing. Stop showing me what's happening in the scene.
Like, you know, that's my job. Yeah, force us to lean in and read your mind, right? So you kind of, you shifted what you did.
Like Jason, I'm sure a lot of stuff that you used to do like on Growing Pains is now different, right? No, no, no, that's Kirk Cameron, Will. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yes. Kirk Cameron.
This whole time time I've never been. But now, Karen, did you have the same level of panic and horror when you were starting to start thinking about, my God, am I going to be able to transition my ability to make a dollar into adulthood? Or should I go to college? Should I get something where I have a diploma and I have a reasonable expectation of sort of a base salary and some consistency and predictability in my life? God, I don't really think all that often.
So all I know is I suddenly found myself at like 20. And I remember my manager, who I'm still with, I've been with her for 30 years, she, like, used the word career, and I kind of panicked because I've been doing it since six.
But it's like, a six-year-old shouldn't really pick their occupation for the rest of their life. That's not really, they're not really qualified to do that, you know? Right.
So I think I kind of panicked and was like, okay, well, I don't know if this is what I want to do. So I think I spent many years trying to figure out what I want to do.
But at that point, you're 20. Yeah.
At that point, you're 20. So you could still kind of start college.
You'd be a 20-year-old freshman, which is not cute. But you still could have done it.
I'm a high school dropout as well. I don't really, you know.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But like Jason, you asked, remember we asked this recently to Carrie Russell.
And she was like, no, I had no thought about making the leap from being a child actor to a, like she didn't worry about it at all. You did.
You were cognizant of it. I did, but I still didn't do anything to mitigate the risk.
In other words, I wasn't taking like night classes in real estate, you know? Like it was just, I mean, it's really fucking stupid what I did and what you did, Karen, what Carrie did. Like we're still at this, I'm 55.
I'm still running sort of wild. Great show, by the way.
Yeah. You know, like if this doesn't work out in the next, what, six months, things could go completely dry at any point in any of our careers.
And we don't have a diploma or a degree in something that says, no, no, no, I'm knocking on the door. I should give me a job.
But isn't that the thing that drives you? Is that fear? Yeah, but it's this anxiety that's behind all the time. I know.
I think a really good antidote to that also, for me, has been rich parents. Yeah, You fucker.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
That must be really nice. Yeah.
I'm being flippant. It's true.
It's not true. It's not true.
I remember my grandma, like about 20 years ago, she was in North Dakota. She asked me, like, she goes, you still acting? I said, yeah.
And she goes, when was your last job? And I said, oh, God, like a little over a year ago. And she goes, you should get into meat.
People always need meat. Really? Really? Your grandma's in there? Not terrible.
Not terrible. Not terrible advice.
People will always eat it. We'll be right back.
Rise Mushroom Coffee isn't just a morning brand-aid to help you wake up and crash later. It helps you stay energized and focused while supporting your overall well-being.
Rise mushroom coffee is a unique, powerful blend of six functional mushrooms that helps with all-day energy, sharper focus, healthy digestion, and immune support. And with over 200,000 five-star reviews, odds are you won't be disappointed.
I have a friend that comes over sometimes in the morning and we chit chat and we hang around my kitchen. And every single time he comes over, he's one of those coffee people who's like, can't like start his day without coffee.
I'm like, hey, you got to try this new Rise Mushroom Coffee. Tried it, loved it, ordered it.
Happiest I've ever seen him. Try Rise Mushroom Coffee with 15% off your first order at risesuperfoods.com slash smartless.
That's R-Y-Z-E superfoods.com slash smartless. Don't just wake up.
Awaken with Rise. You and we deserve snacks that are better for you and incredibly delicious, and that's where Skinny Pop Popcorn comes in.
Skinny Pop uses quality ingredients to bring you the light and tasty flavors you love. The original ready-to-eat popcorn is made up of just popcorn kernels, sunflower oil, and salt.
That's it. In addition to the original popcorn, Skinny Pop also offers a variety of delicious flavors from white cheddar to sweet and salty kettle popcorn.
Skinny Pop popcorn is always non-GMO gluten-free, and there are many vegan options, too. So stop everything and add Skinny Pop to your grocery list.
It's okay. We'll wait.
So for me, whenever Scotty and I are going to watch a movie at home, I mix the original popcorn with the kettle popcorn because the kettle is a little more sweet, but the original is a little more salty. Do you get what I'm going for? It's kind of like how I cut my apple juice with water.
Anyway, Skinny Pop popcorn. Deliciously pop, perfectly salted.
Shop Skinny Pop now. Hey, guys, you want to know an easy genius hack to improve your life? Eat more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Sure, there are countless life coaches, gurus, and thought leaders out there, but none of them are sharing this simple secret. Eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup brings a burst of joy to your day.
They've got the perfect ratio of sweet chocolate to salty peanut butter that's sure to satisfy, and there's no wrong way to the show.

Forgive me, is it just you and Macaulay that were actors, or were there other people in your family? My brother, Rory, actually, at some point, we were all sort of like given the opportunity to act, and some of them just didn't take to it. Some did.
And then... Of all seven of us.
And then parents and... Seven kids.
Seven kids, yeah. In that small little apartment.
Sorry, where do you fall in that?

Right in the middle.

Yeah.

Okay.

But I don't really have that middle child thing.

Uh-huh.

Because I was like the favorite.

Yep, there you go.

I don't really believe in birth order as much as other people do.

Yeah.

You had, you're one of four, right, Willie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was the baby, like my whole thing, I was the baby for almost 10 years

and then my brother was born. So, you know, I have two older sisters.
And I don't know. I just don't buy into it.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was the baby. Like my whole thing, I was the baby for almost 10 years and then my brother was born.

So, you know, two older sisters.

And I don't know.

I just don't buy into it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you make of it what you will.

Like any one.

Yeah, exactly.

Whatever the other is.

Again, Will, real quick, their names?

Callum, Jack, Watt, and Jack.

We'll let you come back on that.

Okay.

I do love them, I think. Look it up.
Sean, you have a question for our guest? No, I was just saying, but then as far as the lineage of the Culkin family. I love it if Sean just threw up right now.
And the kidney stone comes out my throat instead of my peels. Guys, I passed it.
No, but parents and grandparents, or did this acting bug start with you, the kids of the cult? It's like my, I think my father and his siblings did it as kids. That's sort of my understanding.
Because actually I only know that because a few years ago we went through an old storage unit and I found this like pamphlet of, I guess, his parents were trying to like I don't know what exactly what it was but it was like hey we have a son that's an actor and we have this other son that's a magician oh wow it was like sort of like we have these performing arts kids wow isn't it amazing the stuff you find out about your parents way later like yeah I grew up I grew up without knowing anything about my mom or obviously my dad, but my mom- No idea your dad was such a great driver. I know.
Do you know the make of the car? At least. Yeah, with an MG.
You didn't know that your dad didn't own a map, I guess? Or he had a bad memory. Or he had a bad memory.
Wait, do you guys remember that car, the MG? The MG? Oh, yeah, sure. My dad owned that.
No kidding. A car built for one.
Built for barely two people. And he had five kids.
That's the first sign, man. Yes, I know.
You should have punctured the tires. I know.
Isn't that the truth? Isn't that the truth? Like, that's such a red flag. Oh, God.
It's such a red flag. The joke never gets old.
You know what the other red flag was? What did he say? I'm fucking out of here. Oh, man.
So fucking funny. This is so weird for me because it feels like,'re just meeting me, but I feel like I'm hanging out with my old friends that are just fucking with each other.
You are. We are.
My wife used to tell me for months she was listening to the show before I listened to it. This happened on more than one occasion.
She'd be like, oh, my friend said blah, blah, blah the other day. We were having this chat, and I said, which friend was it? And she'd think, oh, fuck, that was smartless.
It happens all the time. Who is that? Was that Sean? No, I know.
She actually, like a couple months ago, we were at this, because her favorite episode is the one you guys did with Matthew Reese. Oh, yeah.
What a good guy. She loved it.
She listened to it more than once. So we're at this party and she goes, oh, Matthew's here.
Let's go say hi. And she started dragging me over.
And I was like, Matthew, who? And then she, right before we got to him, she stopped me and started pushing me away.

She goes, never mind.

We haven't met him.

We're not friends.

Oh my God.

I love her.

That's hysterical.

I love her already.

What is her name?

That's sweet.

Jazz.

Jazz.

Jazz.

Hey, Jazz.

J-A-Z-Z.

And it's not short for anything.

Actually, right when I met her,

that was one of the first things I said.

It's not.

It's dumb.

When I first met her,

I shook her hand and I said,

I said, what's your name?

She went, Jazz. I said, J-A-Z-Z, like the music.
She went, yeah. I said, well, that's fucking stupid.
And it just came out of me. And right away, I was like, I blew it.
But instead, she laughed, so it worked out all right. Where were you when you guys met? Tell us the story.
Is it a meet-cute? At a bar. But that was it.
I mean, what I love about the story is it's fast. That was pretty much it.
The only other thing was when I walked into a bar with a friend i saw her yeah that's you have to go this is new york city yeah you're like i don't know where the car's taking me but it's my dealer that's my dealer yeah i walked in a bar i saw her and i yelled holy shit yeah uh and i what city what city new york new york yeah and with this dude. And I said like, hey, we need to go stand near this girl,

which I realize now sounds kind of creepy.

Yeah.

And so we stood near her.

That's what we had to do before these dating apps.

You just had to like kind of circle.

Yeah, you show up.

Fucking easy now, right?

This was 13 years ago.

She was sitting at a table with some dude,

and the moment he got up to leave to go to the bathroom,

I just jumped in there and stole his seat. No way.
And I literally, like all i did is i sat down and said sorry i just stole your friend's seat and uh she went that's okay i said was that your boyfriend she said no i said do you have a boyfriend she went no i said then i'm kieran wow oh wow i've never been that forward in my life and then she said i'm jazz and you said that's fucking stupid i said that's fucking stupid and and then are you drinking? You guys have been making music ever since. What part of town were you in? Do you remember? It was, what the hell was the name of the place? It was on 7th and A.
It was called Cabin Down Below. Oh, nice.
Do you know that one? I don't know if I know Cabin Down Below. 7th and A.
So that is Lower East Side, I want to say? Lower East Side. It was one of those places where I kept getting turned away.
Every time I tried to go there, they were like, it's a private party because I wasn't dressed cool or I wasn't famous. But they knew my wife.
There was one time I went there, and I was with a couple of, I'm not meaning to name drop, I was there with a couple of famous-y people. And I walked up first, and they were like, sorry, private party.
And I looked back at one of my friends. It was, I'll just tell you who it was.
It was Scarlett Johansson. She's like, I got this.
And she walked up, she goes, hi, they're with me. And he looked at her and said, it's a private party.
And then he looked up and went, jazz? And she was like, yeah. I was like, oh, are they with you? And she would, yeah.
Come on in. Ah, jazz for the win.

She's just one of those fucking people. She's like, jazz.

That's one of those New York fucking things, too.

She's just one of those people, man.

She makes friends everywhere.

Now, since you guys are, since

acting is generational,

what about the three-year-old and the five-year-old?

What are you thinking? I'm not against that.

You're going to support it? Yeah.

I mean, I had a really nice experience with it

growing up. Me too.

Yeah, it was nice. However, it is that thing, getting back to that other point, it's like, are you going to, at some point, I would imagine you would say, now, would you want to kind of help your odds a little bit by going to college at the same time, maybe? I would probably encourage an education.
I never got

one, but I don't

know. Yeah, I would probably encourage that.

But I don't really know. And I've also heard

of people, this is something I kind of wish

it hasn't come to bite

me in the ass, really, but I remember doing

a lot of press as a kid, and I feel

like I would maybe try to protect them from doing

that a bit. Because sometimes

I'll get quoted on something stupid. I said,

I'm like, I was 13. That's not what I actually think.

Like, I don't, you know.

What about... I feel like I would maybe try to protect them from doing that a bit.
Because sometimes I'll get quoted on something stupid. I said, I'm like, I was 13.
That's not what I actually think. Like, I don't, you know.
Sean, remember that time you paid that guy to bite you in the ass? Sorry, it just reminded me of that story. Surprisingly cheap, too, wasn't it? Yeah.
I mean, he lowered his rates for me. That's really funny.
There's also the part about training yourself to believably be someone else at a time when you're trying to figure out who you are. Like starting to act when you're a little kid.
Did that ever screw you up at all? No, I think other things probably screwed me up. I don't know if that was it.
What fucked you guys up? You feeling pretty balanced now? Have you, self-analysis or professional analysis? I'm a big fan. Therapy, therapy, therapy? No therapy.
I prefer to go undiagnosed. I love therapy.
Yeah, me too. I should, I know if you guys, long walks work too.
Yeah. Sean, you go to therapy? We're all a work in progress.
I go to therapy every week. Oh yeah, you do.
Instead of dumping it all on Scotty, I just pay somebody to listen. Again, I think Sean.
You beat me to it. I know.
Oh my God. All right, Kira, what about, are we a sports fan, television show fan? You've said no.
No, he won't watch TV. No hobbies.
I don't do anything. Zero.
Wait, I don't understand it. I don't know.
I just don't have time. I don't even get to the gym.
So do you go, do you meet people for coffee? No, I don't really even have friends anymore. Click and you just hang up.
Kind of. What will you do after this, Kieran, after you're done with this little? He's got to Zoom and then he's got to go do more press.
I got like a press thing and I got the thing. I like doing this.
Hey, this is kind of a new one. I think I need therapy because I like doing, I like flower arrangements now.
Do you really? Okay, there you go. Yeah, I do.
I like doing that. That gives me some calm.
What about a garden on the roof of your apartment? That's such a nightmare. It's New York.
That's not going to be nice. No matter how you frame it.
There's public gardens. You can rent a public square public square garden in a public square.
That's a bit of a bummer too, I find. I'll do crafts with you until we fucking- Careful, Karen.
All the time. Until what? Yeah, I don't know.
But we could get macaroni and glue and make stuff on a paper plate. I can do that with my children.
But yeah, please come on over. You can join us.
We got all that stuff. He's turning into a morphine addict.
He's going to steal your silverware. I'll never leave him alone with the kids, but yeah, he can come over and supervise.
Now, when do you start rehearsals on the play? Yeah. Oh, gosh.
February or something like that. That terrifies me.
Can we get a commitment? Can the three of us come to the opening night of your play? Yeah, you're invited. Of course you can.
The public is inviting my stupid ass. No, I'm asking them to- You need me to give up one of my five tickets to you three? Yes.
I mean, I could. Yeah, fine.
Fuck it. Leave them alone, Will.
I'm sure you have connections yourself, but fine. You three are my guests.
We want to come. No plus ones, though.
Exactly. Now, is Jazz in the business as well? No, not at all.
But she understands enough about what you do to

empathize?

It's taken a while.

She used to think that,

she goes,

I don't understand why

actors get awards and things.

She literally thought

that directors puppeteered

the actor,

told him where to sit

and the cadence

on how to speak.

So that's literally

what her point of view was on it.

She had never been on a set or anything around it. But she's come to understand it a bit now.
Where'd she grow up? Yeah, like what's going on? London, but yeah. Okay.
Closer than here. Oh, I do like London.
Close. You guys spend a lot of time over there as a result? We do.
Yeah, I love it out there. We always consider living out there.
I do too. I notice the throw pillow behind you.
Yeah, that's what that is. Yeah.
Yeah, that's what we do here. Look at Sean.
Look at Sean's right eye. Is it half? Oh, my God.
Is it open? No, no. The whole show, it's just been half open.
The left one's fully open. The right one is really tired.
Like that. Sean was just...
Oh, God. This morning, Sean spent 45...
He spent 45 minutes bent at the waist outside of Sean's door this morning door this morning. It's so true.
It's so true. I was at the ER at Cedars and there's like, it was a seven hour wait.
What? What is wrong with you? Why didn't you cancel? Because I had, there's no other option. Was Scotty with you? Yeah.
So you didn't take the driverless cab this time? I told him, I'm like, fuck off, I'll just take the thing. That's sweet.
What's it called again? That's sweet. Waymo.
Waymo. Waymo.
And you did have a good experience, right? Yeah, I love the Waymo. Yeah.
Do they have that yet in New York, Karen? I've never heard of it. It's the driverless, it's the driverless.
Oh, that scares the shit out of me. No, I haven't seen any here.
How do you get around New York? Are you a bike rider? Oh, God, no. I don't do that either.
See, that would fall under hobby probably or at least exercise and I don't do that. Yeah.
Are you a subway guy? Subway. Yeah.
Yeah. That's the best way to get my kids to school.
And if it's raining, you'd take a cab. Yeah.
No, it's not today. It's rainy today.
How do you, what do I, you know what I've never figured out about the subways? Once you come up out of the stairs after you've reached your destination,

I can't figure out whether I'm looking north, south, east, or west because I can't find the sun. Oh, my God, because you're used to getting in the back seat and your driver just taking you places? Sir, can you change your radio station? This is a whole host.
I actually requested nobody talk to me on this ride. you know how you know

a lot of the times JB

is because

on the avenues

certainly on Full host. I actually requested nobody talk to me on this ride.

You know how you know a lot of the times, JB,

is because on the avenues,

certainly on the avenues,

you know which direction

they go,

whether they go uptown

or downtown,

so you can kind of

get a sense of that.

You can look at the numbers.

I think if you can count,

you can sort of figure it out.

Yeah, but that necessitates

walking a block

to see if the numbers

are going up or down.

That's my problem.

Oh, gasp.

Yes.

Yeah.

You might walk one block

out of the way. Yeah.
But like, I shouldn't have to walk a block to figure out which way I'm going. Well, you also have like smarty phones now.
Do you want to go to a council meeting in New York? Maybe you can be heard, you know what I mean? Well, yeah, what would you suggest? There's somebody at the exit of every station telling you where to go? In England, they take the time to paint on the road there, look left. You know uh maybe new york can say you are facing north on the ground doesn't say which direction you're facing no but i'm saying north or south case dismissed yeah that's so you don't get hit by a car i'm saying no i understand but i'm saying there are efforts that uh the infrastructure folks can go to you know to help out the people on the road this is real stuff sean sean I remember last week you were having dinner at Richard and Jenny's and you came outside and I was bent over at the waist.
This is true. And I said, and I looked at him and I go, yeah, higher on.
Do you remember that? Oh God, that was, that was one of the hardest times I ever left in my head. Wait, what? Being hunched over at the waist.
You know Richard, Richard Ehrlich? Yeah. The world's best realtor.
If you're looking for a house in Los Angeles area, contact Richard Ehrlich. That's a true story.
That is true story. And we walk out to our car as the night's over and we're walking out to his driveway.
And Will goes acting like he's completely bombed out of his mind. And he goes, hey, man, can I ask you something? I go, yeah.
He goes, do you know where I can get some heroin? I'm just asking for a friend. I'm asking for a friend.
I don't want anything to do with it. By the way, let's not make light of people who are struggling with it.
No, of course not. It was just a funny fun.
We're just having fun because Sean happens to be hooked on morphine. Hooked on.
I don't mean hooked. Addicted to.
Karen, this is it. We could just talk to you all day knowing that you have nothing else to do.
He's got to do this all over again. He's got to do it all over again, right? Is there anything you want to ask Sean? Is there anything, because you've listened to a few episodes, is there anything you need to know from Sean? Go ahead.
Ask him why he hates his colon so much. Yeah, why are he always in the hospital? What is wrong? No, because my, yeah.
Well, I'm not, just my heart thing is the big thing, but it's all being taken care of. Well, you know why, Karen, if you went to Sean and Scotty's house, every day, every meal, it's like a 12-year-old's birthday party.
This is true. Okay.
I know. It's true, it's true.
Napkins on laps. I kind of eat the same.
I'm kind of the same when it comes to the food thing. Yeah.
You like the food? I do. And it's the shitty stuff.
Like my wife the other day reached in and grabbed some Cheetos that I was eating, was about to, and then she let go and said, what am I doing? Wait, what are you doing? Where did these come from? And I said, they were in the house. She goes, how? Stop putting this in our house.
How old a man are you? 42. Yeah.
And I can't be eating like that. So you go to the, do you guys take turns going to the market and doing the shopping? Yeah.
And then, you know, I do that thing where I shop hungry and then I'm buying the, I find that they have like that chicken and a biscuit. You know, those like box crackers.
Yes, two bits. I love those.
I'll buy them by the case. I love just pushing the cart row by row by row.
No list at all. I'm just going to go down each row, however long it takes.
I'm going to look at everything and see what I want. But you don't put anything in the cart, right? Oh, no.
I fill it. JB, I love hearing you describe sort of normal, you know, everyday necessity for people as a novel idea.
You know what I mean? It's like a fun. Hashtag relatable.
You know what I like to do? I like to walk into an office and get into all the places? I like to pretend I have a job. Burk, burk, burk.
Amazing. Kieran Culkin, what a delight you are.
You guys are fun. You're a good man.
You'd be a good dinner hangman. Maybe we'll hit you up for dinner in New York want to see the show.
I really want to see the show. Let's all hang out and do the thing.
You guys never do repeat guests on your show either, right? We have done it on live. When we did the tour, we did some repeats and had some friends.
I remember that. I watched that doc.
It was great. That's when I learned from you, Jason, and I think about it every time I'm about to shake a salad.
You said, don't shake it. Do you remember that? You put like, whenever you put the dressing in a salad, you went, don't shake it.
I think of it every time now and I go, oh wait, I'm not supposed to shake it. And I go, wait, why? What's wrong with you? Let it cascade.
Why? Shake it. You got to shake it to get it even.
I'm a pretty big or a shaker now. Let it cascade.
Let it cascade. What a t-shirt.
Let that dressing. See, merch.
This is what you guys need. More clothes like that.
Let it cascade. That's a sweater right there.
And the Tracy one. That's right.
Yeah, and the Tracy one, which she wears. Talk to me like I'm Tracy.
I would come to see you. You are a guy who, you deserve all the success that you're having now, especially considering how hard you worked and how talented you are.
Such a massive fan. Dude, honestly, what a thrill to have you.
Yeah, keep going. This was a dream come true.
I mean it. Thanks, guys.
KC, KC. Big, big fan.
See you in a few months. Go get him.
Bye, guys. Bye, guys.
Thanks, pal. And he's slamming it.
They told me to not slam it, but I'm slamming it. Who says not? No, no, no, don't slam it.
They said don't slam it. Because you've got a redundant record.
Are you doing a record at home? Redundant record? I am. That's why.
I got to do a thing. Wait, do I do a thing now and then I slam it? Do your thing and then you can slam.
This is a great goodbye. I don't know how to do it.
What do I do with the thing? I don't know. So if you bring your mouse to the bottom, do you see that little sound icon? No.
Yes, no. Yes.
Click on that. Yes, and then it hits stop.
It hits stop and then hits save. You guys got to use this as part of the goodbye.
Okay, I press stop and then no, I just press stop. I don't see anything that says save.
We're fucked. At the top left, file and save.
Share, save. So embarrassed.
Savesies. So embarrassing.
Oh my God. This is all in the show.
Such a great goodbye. It's all in the show.
Yeah, use it. I'm done? Do I fucking slam it now? That's it.
Slam it. Slam it.
Love you, bye. Love you, bye.
Now, there's a nice young fella, Will. There is a nice young fella.
You're right. What a great guest.
That was a good guest. That was a good guest.
A good guest. I've been excited to have him.
And like I said, we had a sort of, we had to reschedule and that was, you know, a whole thing. But I was like, oh, God, we were so close to getting him.
So glad we had him on. I've always wanted to meet him.
It was worth the wait. The interviews I've seen him do, I used to be like, God, that's a great guy.
I wonder if they just got him on a good day. Right, right.
I hope he's really like that. And he really is.
He is. He really is like that.
I want to work with him. I want to hang with him.
Hey, Sean, now as you scan the buys. Yeah, I wanted to talk to him about it.
I saw his eyes scan.

Well, I'm about to watch Home Alone again

because we watch it every year

and he's got a little part in Home Alone.

Yeah.

I love that.

Yeah, I bet she's still getting residuals on that.

Probably.

They're not thick ones anymore,

but fun to see how that...

Actually, you know what film he was in?

He was in the first one

and also the second one.

Yeah.

Which was what?

Father of the Bright...

Bright...

Bright...

That's pretty good.

That was pretty good.

Smart.

Nice.

Smart.

Nice.

Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Rob Armjarf, Bennett Barbaco, and Michael Grantary. Smart Less.
Hey friends. Jason here.

We're so excited the SmartList has officially joined the SiriusXM family.

We can't wait to announce new surprise guests who we know that you'll love. If you want to be the first to hear new episodes ad-free and a whole week early,

subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts Plus on Apple Podcasts

or visit SiriusXM.com slash podcasts plus to start your free trial today. Get access to expert insights from Morgan Stanley to help navigate the markets.
Open an account and get up to $1,000 or more with a qualifying deposit.

Learn more at E-Trade.com.

Terms and other fees apply.

Investing involves risks.

Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC member SIPC.

E-Trade is a business of Morgan Stanley.

Feeling drained, foggy, or just not yourself?

These may be the effects of low testosterone levels.

Henry Meds has you covered.

Our testosterone replacement therapy, or TRT, is available in pills, injectable, or deli creams.

Many patients report improvements in energy, mood, and focus.

Though individual results may vary, TRT may support sexual function for some patients.

Go to henrymeds.com slash TRT to consult a healthcare provider to see if TRT is right for you.

Take the first step in feeling your best again.

henrymeds.com slash TRT.