"Ted Danson"

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So hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, Sean.

Hey, hi.

What city are you in?

Everybody's been traveling so much.

We'll be right back. So, hey, guys.
Hey.

Hey, Sean.

Hey, hi.

What city are you in?

Everybody's been traveling so much.

Where are you at?

I'm in the Los Angeles.

Will is as well.

I'm in Los Angeles.

I'm in New York.

Now, Sean, you've been in New York for a little while, right?

Yeah, I'll be home in a month.

Wow.

In a month.

You just hopping around, just catching shows, eating dinners, and just enjoying?

Yeah, just do anything I can stuff my face with.

Are you doing okay?

Let's keep it clean.

It's the opening.

Yeah, this is an all-new Smart List, dude. Smart List.

Smart List.

Smart List. Smart.
Less. Smart.
Less. I ran out of Pop-Tarts, so this morning I made an English muffin.
Oh, don't worry. We read the internet.
We saw. You made an English muffin? It was on CNN, dude.
What'd you stick in all the nooks and crannies? It was so butter, and then I made my own cinnamon-like mixture. Cinnamon-sugar mixture.
Cinnamon and sugar. By the way, when you said made your own, meaning you put cinnamon with sugar.
Yeah, that's right. And then you stir it up.
Okay, don't talk like you... I went into the lab.
Yeah. Yeah, no, I did.
The disposable time you've got right now, Sean Hayes. It's incredible.
It's incredible. I am so on fumes.
I've gone back to bed twice already this morning. Oh, really? But Jay, you just did a back and forth.
You were overseas on a thing and then you came back to LA and then you went to New York a couple of days and then you came back and then you come back. Why? I don't know.
I literally, I almost canceled this today i almost called in and said that i might have covet or something i'm so freaking i can tell you why did you fly back again this weekend can i and i know you're gonna say because i want to see the kids and stuff but come on man you got to take care of yourself you can't do that well you can take care of yourself because i gotta come i gotta i'm i'm I edited yesterday, edit today. It's a lot.

And were you up late editing?

No.

I went to bed at 9, got up at 4.30.

Okay.

You're just tired.

Let Sean and me in it.

It's a real boring high-class complaint.

No, no, no.

But Sean and I will edit.

It'll be fun.

It'll be so new to you.

You'll be like, what the fuck?

That's a great new approach. Yeah.
Scotty and I, I know Jason loves this Kathy and Regis section of the show. I do.
I've got my coffee here. Okay, good.
So, Scotty and I, we're doing our will and testament. You have to do the icky stuff.
Oh, my God. That sucks.
So congratulations and I were doing our will and testament, you know, like you have to fill out, you have to do the icky stuff. Oh my God, that sucks.
So congratulations, you guys are, it's all going to you. We're in? Wait, we're in? Scottie's out, yeah.
That makes sense. So wait, so Shani, so you and Scottie were going through? Yeah, so we did it, and it was just, it's stupid, but you know, you have to go in there and you sit in this conference room with the guy, with this estate lawyer.
And he goes, I said,

I go, so wait a minute, let me get this straight.

So if I die,

and I was doing like before and then after,

so I go, if I die,

he goes, I'm going to stop you when you die.

Go ahead.

I love that. And I was like, wow.

It's coming for you.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, when you die, go ahead. And I was like, Jesus.
But you know what, though? You know what, Sean? So I had on, what is today? I had last week and I had all of our good friend Bradley over here, and we were watching some soccer and stuff, and he came over and I said, and as you guys know, because Jason takes fucking pictures of it, so does Paul McAleese, of my freezer and my treats that I have in there. Right.
He's my treat Bradley. And I go, oh, yeah, there's this ice cream sandwich from this place out here called Round Swamp, and they make chocolate chip cookies with ice cream in the middle.
Round Swamp. That's what your colon is.
Wow. Somebody just woke up.
That's so good.

I'm so jealous.

That's what your colon is.

So he goes, are you going to have a little piece of this?

I go, hey, man, I'm not coming back here.

Yeah.

I'm here this one visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm here.

This is a one-time visit to this planet.

And you're looking to shorten it as much as possible?

No, I'm looking to enjoy it as much as possible. I'm not looking for, it doesn't need to be a long, shitty time.
It just needs to be great. Look, for every ice cream sandwich you eat, you just gotta run an extra mile or something.
You know, what do you do? Enjoy it, man. Because I don't want, at the end of the day, when we're like, Jay, how was it? And you go, and we go, fuck, we gotta take the tubes out.
Why didn't you say we took these? Jay, how was it? And you go, we're so fucking hungry the whole fucking time. All I can hiss out is, do I look puffy? It's going to say on your tombstone.
Puffy Bateman. Died with zero water retention.

JB, let me...

JB, can I make it...

Can I get it out of you right now?

If you happen to pass before me,

will you let me put at some point

on somewhere on your tombstone

do I look puffy?

Absolutely.

We were talking about that.

Think about it.

Think about it.

Think about it.

Don't tell me now.

It's a yes.

We were talking about that

in the meeting with the estate

Thank you. absolutely we were we were talking about it think about it think about it don't tell me now it's a yes we were talking about that in that in the meeting with the the estate lawyer you know will guy and he goes uh i said something you know came up with that like the health initiative like you know that i forget what it's called where you can pull the plug or not you know and um and he goes you know you just gotta make sure like if you sure, like if you have a feeding tube or something.

And I go, I would hook up a feeding tube now. Sure you would.
Sure you would. It's such a shortcut.
Sean, how quickly, if we installed, and then we got to get to our guests, but if we installed, if you came home and in your kitchen, there was a trough, but it was filled with like donuts and all the stuff you love and Skittles and Hershey's syrup and Hershey's peanut butter cup and all this stuff that you wanted to eat and Sloppy Joe. How long is the time from the initial disgust and sort of like, you know, feeling of resentment and alarm, right? Of the initial seeing it to you actually getting down.
And going to town? Yeah. By the way, a trough of just all your favorite stuff would just be incredible.
So I be incredible. So I'm saying the gap is pretty short.
You'd have a savory trough and a sweet trough, right? Yeah. I mean, you kind of have a lever that would kind of, like a train track.
Like a dog. Switch the tube, like a little thing.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that's true. That would be so good.
Sweet trough and a sweet trough.. A trade track switcher.

Yes.

With my mouth just hanging on the bottom.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm going to have Maple draw that.

Please.

Just the design of it, the engineering of it. Yeah, let's get some people.

Let's get some top design.

Let's get Johnny Ives on this or somebody.

You know what I mean?

So, Will, this is all a tee up to your classy guest. Sorry, classy guest who's had to endure all this.
Well done. But you know what? He's a classy guest, but he's also no stranger to having a laugh.
Oh. Because he likes to laugh, but he's also made us laugh.
This guy, he's another one of these people. I can't say anything that he's done because you're immediately going to know who he is because he's such a part of the fabric of our lives, especially the three of us, because we are such admirers of what he has done over the years and how much he's made us laugh and doing the stuff at the highest level that we're like, oh my God.
And I would say this. Not just doing stuff at the highest level.

For me, potentially, doing what I would consider,

and no offense to either of you,

the greatest American sitcom of all time.

Because it just took me through so many.

And it just always made me laugh.

I got to talk to him about it recently with one of his co-stars.

He's done a million different TV shows.

But he's the best.

He's, you know, Mayday Malone,

Sam Malone. He's also known as

Ted Danson. Oh, it's Ted Danson even.

It's Ted Danson.

Hello. Good morning.

What are you doing?

Sam Mayday Malone.

You guys, with this format, should

somehow find a way to have a camera on the

guests while you're doing your thing.

As you nod off and

keep catching yourself. I'm doing spit takes.

I'm putting my hand over my mouth. You are so fucking funny.
You're so stupid. Ted Danson, hello.
I was just with Jimmy Burroughs last night and Debbie Burroughs, Scotty and I, at the Hollywood Bowl. And we were talking about you just last night.
And Scotty and I, every, like I would say, three or four years, we watched from the beginning to the end, no joke, every episode of Cheers, every several years. Every episode, over and over.
Call me next time you do that. Ted and I don't really know each other.
Ted said three words so far. No, but that's good.
Trust me. That's very good.
So, Ted, and you guys, you and Woody invited me on your podcast, which very, very kindly had me on, and I got to, and I just watched a bunch of episodes, and so I went crazy on you guys with Cheers stuff. It's the best.
But I want to talk to you about, I'm so interested in that moment. So, Cheers is such a big thing, especially our generation.
We grew up with it and we weren't little kids, but we loved it. I was in college.
What was that moment, that first time you got the script for Cheers? I love this more than anything. I'm sorry.
I barely heard what you were saying because I loved watching the first question of a podcast as you're trying to formulate, how do we get him talking? Sorry, you're very good at it, Will. No, thank you.
You're very good. No, I want to know about Cheers.
I want to know about Cheers. So just recap.
When did I know the first moment that it was a big... What was the first moment that you laid eyes on the script for Cheers? Wow.
Wow. I was doing a last second replacement on Taxi.
Wow. And I was there, and Jimmy and Les and Glenn had an office down the way at Paramount, and they were working on Cheers.
And Jimmy had remembered me from, was it Best of the West? Do you remember that? That sounds familiar. Western sitcom? Yeah.
Anyway, I auditioned for it, didn't get it, and he remembered me and called me down. And I guess we had a conversation before I got the script and then read it.
And then I auditioned two or three times, and they said to me, okay, don't take another job without letting us know. And I went, oh, that sounds...
So is it, you're saying it's my part? No, just don't, you know, just don't take another job. And I went out the back door and literally up the front door, coming up the stairs to the front door of the office was like every actor in L.A think I got cheers because of Shelly Long, because she just, she really nailed that part right out of that.
Yeah, brilliant. She was amazing.
And we got teamed up together when we auditioned. We had to audition as couples.
That must have just sealed it, because you and Shelly had the most incredible sitcom chemistry.

Yeah, really magic.

Chemistry, but was magic.

I mean, Ted, you guys must have felt it.

That must be one of those things that was instant, right?

There was just no, it was in a skateboard.

You just had the film.

You know, it was great.

I mean, I am always, always the worst.

My first reaction to Shelly while we were auditioning was, oh, no, no, that's a bad, bad idea. Oh, really? Horrible.
Yes, horrible. Why, why, why? I just, I don't know.
We were so different. Our styles, our approach, our everything is really different, which is why I think it worked, because it was like this fair fight.

It was hard for us sometimes to be in the room together,

but when we started working, it was just fantastic because you'd smack her and she'd smack you back harder.

She was just brilliant.

Did you always want to do sitcom, like television comedies

because you've made a...

Ted, you haven't just made a career out of it, and again, at risk of embarrassing you, you've been at the top of always. television comedy for like 40 fucking years.
Yeah. To this day.
When you were a kid, were you like, I want to do a television comedy? Was that the thing that you wanted to do? No. No.
I didn't think about it until Stanford and I discovered acting, and I was just, life made sense. I was not an academic.
I came from, like, scientific people in my family, my father. My sister was incredibly bright, and I just faked my way through school.
I just was over my head. You can't fake your way into Stanford.
Hang on now. No, you could back then.
Really? And I was geographically interesting. I came from Arizona, Flagstaff.
All my friends were Hopi and Navajo kids and ranchers, sons and daughters, and galloping here and there, and then went to a private school in Connecticut. Kent School for Boys.
And I think I got there for that reason. And then that's kind of interesting.
And then truly, I was a horrible student. The first two weeks at Stanford, I was sitting in an English, and this is going to sound weird.
It was an advanced placement English class because I lucked into it.

Because I'm not very bright, I test wonderfully because I don't give a shit.

I just kind of wing it and make it a game and have fun.

But I was sitting there going, not only do I not understand

what the professor just said in response to this question,

this girl sitting next to me said that I have no, and I just pretty much dropped out. Wanted to play basketball, nowhere near talented enough.
So all my dreams kind of fizzled. And then a little while after that, trying to take some young lady out and have a cup of coffee, and she told me about five minutes in,

because I don't think she was enjoying it,

I have an audition I have to go to.

And I said, can I come along?

And off I went.

And to stay in the room,

it was like a Bertolt Brecht play,

and to stay in the room, they said,

well, just do something.

And I got up, and I heard people laugh.

And it was like, oh, wait a minute.

And literally, I took my first acting class

and was in some productions.

And I pulled my station wagon with a sleeping bag in the back

and never left the theater until somebody said,

you should really go back east and study. So off I went to Carnegie.
But there you are. Wow.
Hey, let me take over. Let me take over for a minute.
Yeah, you go. Will Arnett, thank you so much for being our first guest.
You really did us a good turn. Oh, were you the first guest? Good switcheroo.
And all of that. That's so great.
Thank you. Thank you.
Really appreciate it. It was a lot of fun.
I love talking to you and Woody so much. I mean, you know, again, I'm going to get off chairs at some point because I've gotten off on it so many times before.
Guys, hold on. See what you did there.
But I love it so much. And I made Ted and Woody listen to me go on about one of

my favorite moments, which I've said before, but I'm going to say

it because I haven't said it here.

One of my favorite moments, I think

the funniest moment

for me in TV history

for me is this moment where Shelley

Long goes, you'll never see me

again. You'll never see Diane Chambers

ever again. This is the last

time you'll ever hear from me.

And Ted and Woody and all those guys are

standing there like, they're all watching. She makes this

Thank you. You'll never see Diane Chambers ever again.
This is the last time you'll ever hear from me. And Ted and Woody and all those guys are standing there like, they're all watching.
She makes this grand farewell. She walks out.
And then all of a sudden you see the door open and she realized she forgot her coat and you see her arm come in and start to reach for the coat rack. And Carla's standing there.
And as she sees the hand come, she just said, you'll never see me again. Hand in, feeling for the coat.
And Carla just grabs the coat rack and pulls it just out of reach. So her hand, hand, hand, hand.
And then finally she falls through the door and Carla goes, hey, everybody, look, it's funny I don't know why that fucking every part of that joke to me every bit of it just fucking works it just makes me laugh because you know it's coming too you're sort of like in awe of the way they're still getting it through the hoop knowing that it's coming the staging the staging, the thing, all of it. It's fucking amazing.

You worked with Jimmy a lot, Sean.

Jimmy Burroughs is great. Yeah, every single episode of Will and Grace.

Every episode.

He did almost every episode of Cheers, right?

About 20 of them went elsewhere.

Yeah, he did tons of them.

But his sense of physical comedy is insane.

Incredible.

We four have been so lucky to work so much in a multi-camera, you know, in front of a live audience. I mean, how much do you guys miss it? There's no better job, at least for an actor, than multi-cam television, I think.
Writers have it pretty tough, as we said earlier. They're up pretty late.
But, man, and especially on a show that Jimmy's directing, where you don't work much on Mondays and camera blocking day is done at lunch. It's a real sweet ride.
Did you all do three weeks on one week off? Yeah. We did.
I mean, that's amazing. It's the greatest.
It's unbelievable. The only time I ever got mad at Jimmy was,

remember Sean, he wanted to switch the tape nights

from Friday to Tuesday nights.

And I love the idea that Friday night when you were done,

that you had no homework for the weekend.

Right.

And I always felt when you had the tape on Tuesday,

you're like, ah, you're thinking about it

because you know Monday you got to camera block

and do all this shit.

I love tape.

That's when you're sharing the crew with another show

where they got to flip the stands around

for the other side of the stage.

Yeah.

I like Tuesday nights.

So I think that lines a tough thing for you to remember? Hmm. Yeah? I'll have to say, I mean, I started off with a slow, dumb joke, which is a great living, Sam Malone's.
It's the funniest, easiest way for the laugh. And you're not doing Frasier or Diane fast, brilliant, complicated.
And I've moved on to having some of the most difficult lines to say with Mike Shore in The Good Place. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, it was so elevated. But it's not hard for me to learn them.
It's hard for me to retain them. So this year I had the best time with my youngest daughter, Katrina.
She would come to work with me. And I never had to worry about lines because she was there kind of jamming them into my brain because literally if the camera's turning around and there's that 15 20 minute pause or whatever yeah i need to make sure i reload the lines you know really i don't have to worry about them so they don't fall out of your head in 20 minutes so she'd run lines with you and stuff yeah constantly she's really good at it we had a great time we'll be right back guys we all need to drink water every day i mean we have to drink water to stay alive right why so why should it be boring like i like sparkling water because it didn't have all the sugar and the added you know chemicals and everything like that that soda has so sparkling water sparkling water gives you the bite that you're looking for.

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Our show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey guys, everybody should have a support system, right? Who's your support system? My support system, as you well know, talk about all the time, is Scotty.
And of course, my two besties, Will and Jason. Whenever I have a problem, an issue, I talk to them about it.
And if they're not available, I will talk to a therapist and I've been going to therapy for a long time and it's always great. So think about your favorite leaders, mentors, and idols.
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And now back to the show. Ted, you had the good fortune of working.
You mentioned Mike Schur, whom we all know and are friends with. And you got to work with him on The Good Place.
And now you and Mike have a new show. Yep.
Is that right? Netflix. You know what? I think the name is changing as we speak.
Okay. But it came from a documentary out of Chile, out of Santiago, Chile.
Sure. Yeah.
Yeah. They're very funny.
Sean just watched a five-part miniseries on Chile, on the food, not the country. He said he...
Beef versus beef versus... And then I had a five-part meal.
He was riveted. I do love chili.
When do you guys do... Are you guys...
Sorry, are you guys not on camera as far as what people get to see? No, this is all audio. YouTube? No, YouTube? No.
No, man. Well, you guys are idiots.

No. You are so fucking funny.

People want to see this.

They can hear it.

But then Will would have to stick his hair on.

I mean, look at him, you know?

I'd have to put my shoes on.

No, you don't.

You know what I mean?

All right, let me take over again.

What are you directing, Jason?

Why are you so exhausted?

What are you working on?

A Netflix thingy.

He's acting and directing. It's called Black Rabbit.
It's about dog tracks. No.
I was like, wait, what? It'll be out in like a year. It's another one of these sort of like moody, dark, people die kind of things.
Is it eight episodes, 10's eight eight eight and done eight now right yeah

isn't that isn't that slightly disturbing because we all did 22 24 episodes and now they say you have eight you go well they must hate us right or what am i going to do with the rest of the year no faith in us yeah hey i want to go back to one when you said you so you kind of started with the acting kind of on a lark um to fill time unused by your studying english and stuff and basketball um so i would imagine it was a very natural thing for you to do in other words you weren't you weren't complicating yourself with any sort of learned technique that that came later what tell me about that so you probably it started feeling very natural we're just playing pretend and it came to you very easily. And then you go into learning how to act and all the technique that comes with those classes.
Did you have a place for all of that technique or did you kind of go, oh, that's good to know and everything, but I just, this kind of feels natural to me and how complicated is acting to you? Did you allow for it to become something different once you went into class? Yeah, I think there was a point at Carnegie which I loved. It was the only acting I knew.
So a lot of other people had come having acted before or studied before, and they had their judgments about Carnegie. I just was lapping it up because it was the first and only time I've

ever done it. So it didn't matter to me.
Then I went to New York and I was terrified. And, you

know, when you come out of Carnegie, you're supposed to go into the repertory system. And

there's, I think they're called TCGs, where you go and you audition for all the companies around the

country and none of us got in at all. We went, well, shit.
All right, we'll all go to New York. And that's what we did.
But it terrified me so much that I went to John Houseman at Juilliard and said, I want to enroll. Having just graduated from Carnegie, I wanted to be back in a system to protect me in New York somehow.
Like Juilliard was some sort of easy track there. Yeah, but at least it was like you were cocooned.
And he very sweetly said, well, if you still feel that way a year from now, come back. So off I went.
And then I studied, I did study names, Neighborhood Playhouse, famous, famous. Sandy Meisner.
Sandy Meisner, thank you. I did two years of a Sandy Meisner student teaching a version of that, which really is what I think propelled me out the door acting-wise as far as technique, because it stopped being about showing your technique or demonstrating how good you are, and it got me out of my head and started focusing on the other person, which is kind of the whole point of acting.
Well, it's interesting because, well, you know, Pete Giles went to Sandy Meiser for two years too, a friend of all of ours, and a bunch of people that we know. But what I found is, what's interesting is, you go and you study theater.
You went to Carnegie Mellon. You can go to lots of, there are a lot of great places around the country.
But what's the most valuable is when they start talking to you about what to do when you're trying to get a job. Because all that stuff is really great, is sort of great theoretical stuff, but it's so much different when you start to get into trying to get a job.
Meaning like how to audition and how to like... Well, how to audition and how to audition and how to do it in the moment.
You know, they don't have... It's like they don't have time for you to go through your fucking process when you're a young actor and you've only got a couple lines and you've got to show up.
You've got to show up and deliver. You know why? Because as you guys know, because they've got to move on.
They've got to get your fucking reaction or whatever your stupid thing is and they've got to get after this other scene. So they don't have time for you to go like, um, do you think that my character would, it's like, dude, shut up.
Yeah. And deliver.
And that's the scariest part, right? I mean, when you walk in and you're the new guy, how scary is that? Right. Am I wrong? And you want to score, but then, yeah, you don't want to overplay it either.
Right. I was really lucky when I got to LA, which was, I mean, I did, I understudied an off-Broadway show for a year and a half.
I did a soap opera and I did, I did anything I could. I would be an extra in a commercial and be just as happy.
I didn't care. As long as I was working, doing something, I was thrilled.
And even just being in an acting class was as exciting as being paid. It didn't matter to me in the beginning.
And then when I came to L.A., I was lucky enough, because L.A., you're just there to make it. There's no other reason to be in L.A.
except to make it. Pilot season.
Let's do it. Right.
And I was, a friend of mine had started something called The Mastery. It was the Actors Institute, and it was a one-weekend kind of transformational.
It wasn it wasn't a how to to act but it was kind of more about this is how you're presenting yourself is that what you want to be doing because this is what happens when you walk in the room you got a big fuck you on your shoulder or whatever it is you don't really know what you're walking in with and then you put acting on top of that or something. And he actually, kind of a, not a flim-flam man, well, he is in that he said, Ted, I want you to anchor this project that I'm doing, this Actors Institute here in LA, and we'll do it by you teaching acting.
And he convinced me that I had to do this. And I would throw up every night before teaching a class.
It was the hardest, most painful thing. And it's not a happy ending like, and all my students became famous or something.
I hated it, but it took my mind off of auditioning. It was so much more fun to go audition than teach a class.
And one of the things he taught me was, you know, it's a good chance for you when you go into audition to check out whether or not you want to be working with those people. You're always trying to impress them to work, you know, to hire you and to like you, but do you like them? And not in an arrogant way, but just heads up.
Make sure you're looking at them. And the other thing is they want you to be good.
They so want you to be good. They desperately want to cast this part.
Yeah, we were just talking about that. I was just talking about that.
Yeah. You walk in, not literally and not with arrogance,

but you walk in with, relax, I'm here.

This is going to be really good.

I get how hard this is for you.

And then you do your little scene.

And then at the end of it, without literally saying it,

without being arrogant, you go, thanks, that was a lot of fun,

but I have something else I have to go to.

But anyway, good luck, see you later. So that the whole attitude has no desperation to it.
Sexy indifference. Sexy indifference.
Yeah. I would always say good luck with this as I laugh.
Oh, that's disgusting. Wait, what did he mean? Of course he said that.
It's so gross. Of course he said that.
Hey, guys, good luck with this. That's really funny.
Oh, God. Wait, did I ever tell you guys? Hope it pans out.
Yeah. Tell me, Jason, stop me if I said this on the show before, but I once went to, and Will's like, stop.
I once went to, and I had an audition for, to play like a dental assistant. So I needed a white lab coat.
So I was like, I'll dress the part, right? It was for commercial. And at night I was doing sketch comedy in this theater and that we would kind of rent out at night.
But during the day it was a massive acting class, right? And with like 200 people in the class. And so I was like, oh, on the way to the audition, I'll just run and get my prop, my little white jacket to go to the commercial audition at the theater.
I had no idea it was being used during the day. I walk in and I open the door in front of 200 people and a guy's teaching the class.
And I was like, oh my God, oh my God. I was so embarrassed.
I was like, I'm so sorry. I do a show here at night.
And then he was like, it's already too long of a story. He's like, what do you need? And I was like, I just have to get some.
He's like, well, be quick about it, you know, and go get your thing, whatever you need. I was like, so sorry.

So I go in the back and I'm rustling through

and I'm making all this noise.

And he's like, can you please be quiet?

I'm teaching a class.

And I was like, I'm so sorry.

And I keep going and I'm making more noise, more noise.

And he goes, are you for real?

I go, why don't you act like I'm not here?

And I got my stuff when I ran out. They all fucking hated me.
Hey, Ted, when you were in New York and you're doing all these auditions and stuff, I'd imagine you're doing something during the day. Were you waiting tables in sort of a classic way? No, no.
I always... Were you selling dope? Hey, Ted, were you selling dope? Yeah, Tom Kinn, Tom Kinn.
Were you selling dope at Dine Bands? What was going on? No, I don't have... That's Woody.
Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got Woody in the band. Exactly.
Yeah. I am such milquetoast.
Anyway, I always had enough... Back then, you could work a day on a commercial and make a nice whatever to pay your rent, but then the next day, you could go collect unemployment.
So between working little teeny things, I never actually had to. Fucking unbelievable.
You liberal actors sucking off our system. It's classic.
I knew it. You liberal, you elitist.
No, it's fucking, give me a second here because I want to tee off on the liberal elite. Great gig, by the way.
There's no way you went to Stanford with no plan. What were you going to study at Stanford? Oh, no.
I am the guy sitting in the back of the pickup looking, you know looking behind where the pickup is going,

going, wow, well, look at that.

Golly, I never turned around and focused and said,

I want this.

I'm going to go with this.

No aspirations.

Until I met Mary, or shortly before I met Mary.

That's why you're, I will say, that's why you're so chill.

You have a really great vibe.

I will say that.

Yeah, everybody says that. Have you seen my psoriasis commercials? Hey, listen, I'm a Sky Rizzy guy, so don't get me going.
Yeah, yeah. Wait.
I don't even know. I just see those ads all the time on MSNBC.
My friend always has this joke. He's like, we're a Sky Rizzy family.
By the way, can I just say this? I mentioned Pete Jowes before. golf with Giles before over the years the great Pete Giles and Sean you know him very well it just reminded me that any time he would get on the green and you know sometimes some guys go hey you know because your ball is on the green you're dancing and he would for years say oh you're Ted dancing for years he would say when your ball got on the green, you're dancing.
And he would, for years, say, oh, you're Ted Danson. For years, he would say, when your ball got on the green, you're Ted Danson.
One of my best friends of all time. It just made me think of what these guys know.
Because the green's a dance floor. I know.
Go for Sean Hayes. Yes, thank you.
Good story. You have this crazy ability.
I know off the top of my head all of the hits shows that you've been on been on and so you have this crazy ability name him you just said it so name him okay ready no you just fucking said it so now name him no I'm kidding obviously cheers Becker I remember Becker I remember well Good Place you did I remember Creepshow I remember CSI you were on CSI which was very Damages Damages like you've done so many like hit shows it's unbelievable by the way i did audition for ink which was a short-lived sitcom i did not get the part yeah well well you're good for you still i heard the star didn't care for you um but but but how do you do you is there a process by which you have like a filtering system for how to pick the right project? Because you seem to always do that. Hondo's first.
The trick is to spend all your money. You have to go to work.
No, you know, oh, come on. I am here talking to you because of Les and Glenn Charles and Jimmy.
That is literally why I'm here. Yeah, but then you pick massive hit shows.

Well, people think, well, the good writers tend to come your way

because of Cheers.

I mean, literally, I'm not playing Humble Pie.

I'm here because of Cheers.

And it was remarkable.

I was talking to somebody who was going,

we need to win the jackpot, you know? And it was like, yeah, to tell the truth, I did win the jackpot. Playing Sam alone on Cheers for 11 years is certainly a jackpot.
But also, the guys were talking about it earlier, your vibe is infectious. It does come through.
You do have an ability to put your thing into whatever character you're playing, even if it's, you know, a crabby character, which you play really well. There is a Ted Danson humanity that you're able to communicate to the audience.
And it's just, it's great to be with. And I'll bet it's great on set too.
I'll bet that you in that leadership position create this environment where everybody kind of goes, oh, well, maybe I should bring that part of me too. And all of those things sort of add up, and it becomes this really enjoyable thing to be a part of as a viewer.
And you're being very humble, but I'm sure that's a lot of the key to your success too, why every show works when you're a part of it. For sure.
Yeah, but I mean, no, I won't do humble pie, but you all know that it's the writing. I mean, you can be really good and interesting.
But an asshole can fuck up good writing. Yes, that's true.
Or you don't want to be around them. I do love going to work.
I do love actors. I do love writers.
I do love the whole process. I am as starry-eyed as I was.
I love going to studio gates and crossing over Jimmy Stewart Avenue and passing. That's so good to hear.
And working with that crew, too. I mean, think about all those cameramen and Dolly Gryffsps that follow Jimmy around, too, and Jimmy keeps...
I mean, it's just a family that's... It is.
Shimano. And also, it's also wonderful to be part of this tribe of funny.
Yeah. You know, I am not...
You guys are really quick and really funny. You really, truly are.
If I have funny material, I will indeed be funny. But I don't have that thing that you guys have.
But I am part of the tribe of funny, and it makes me so happy. I got to shake hands and hug Mel Brooks.
How fucking cool is that? Yeah, yeah. I worked with Mary Tyler Moore.
It's like, ah! Ted, I hate to break it to you, man. You're on the fucking Mount Rushmore, okay? So I got a newsflash for you.
And maybe it's because of Jimmy and the Charles brothers, but they wanted you for that same reason that you described before. They wanted you to be good and you were.
You were so fucking great, man. And I wonder if you, when you come out of something like Cheers, I can't imagine because, well, I can.
When you have something that has such, where there's such great chemistry and it really works and the writing is really good, and the performers are really good, and you have a shorthand, and you know when you're really dialed in, that is so fucking fun. And I've had a few of those moments, and one of them was really when I was the most dialed in and felt like I was in a work environment in that way was working with that guy right there with JB.
When we did Arrest Development, there were a few months in there in my life where I was like, fucking fuck, we are dialed right now. This feels great.
And it's hard, but you guys did that at a level for years. What's that like when you go from that and what's the morning after like? Is it like, you ended up going and doing amazing things after, but i mean the morning after a show like yours what was that like my technique you know i think i have a little bit of that i don't know my mother's uh spiritual religious whatever uh you know pride goeth before a fall and you know all of that you know it it does smack of false humility.
Here's how I handled Cheers passing. I fucked up my life so publicly and so thoroughly that the actual passing of Cheers was, oh, it's over? It was that kind of, so I don't really know.
I was more focused on trying to be better, Ted. And that was preoccupying me more than the end of Cheers.
I got you. Well, it sounds like your priorities were in check then.
Yeah, and I really worked very hard on myself. And I don't think Mary would have even been walking down the same hallway as me if I hadn't.
I don't think she would have even seen me. But that's life, man.
I mean, we all handle things differently. Look, I can admit there have been lots of situations in my own life where I haven't handled it the best way.
It doesn't mean that in the moment, but over time where I've kind of acted out in certain ways that were not the best representation of me or the best version of me. And I've felt a lot of shame about that and I've beat myself up about it and stuff.
And at the end of the day, it's just, that's life. We're all kind of dealing with it in the moment, figuring it out as we go.
Yeah, you find the lane by like hitting the guardrails on both sides, you know? Yeah, yep, yeah. And if your intention is to, you know, wake up, then all these little, you know, wounds or whatever can be, you know, a godsend in a way.
But then I would imagine that it was, because me as well, you know, it sounds like really challenging things in personal life kind of were at the same time as really good things or important things in the professional life and how those can sometimes help one another or fight one another. So then when the show ended, you were navigating a challenging time for yourself, question mark.
And then that probably was somewhat scary for you to no longer have this cocoon of the show and the family and routine. You got sort of a new version of yourself coming online internally and externally.
Was there a gap for the next kind of hammock pole, if you will, with a job that sort of brought you back up again and matched the growth you were doing personally with the success professionally? Well, you know, it came, once again, I think I was just, I was really excited to discover who I am, you know, and stop being a liar and being emotionally as, you know, this is ongoing process, obviously, but as being emotionally mature for the first time in my life or trying to be. Yeah.
I was fascinated. I had an amazing mentor.
So that truly was what was preoccupying me. But then right away, I got a, Sherry Lansing is actually responsible for Mary and I being together.
It was a terrible movie, but we were both cast in it.

And, you know, we both came to each other.

She had just broken up from a four-year relationship

and was saying to friends,

I know I look like I should be good at relationship,

but I don't.

I can't.

I'm not.

Obviously, I'm not that person.

I have two beautiful kids.

I'll leave it at that.

I was going, well, truly, you can fuck up any relationship, and it's you, Ted, that's doing it. So maybe you need to just not be in a relationship.
And we met, and we became friends, having declared to each other that same kind of feeling that we both had of being kind of flops at relationship. And just fell head over, we fell head over heel, I'll speak for myself, in love and have been inseparable.
That's so great. Ever since.
It's been one of the more successful Hollywood relationships. I mean, how long has it been? 29 married, 31 together.
I mean, that's incredible. No way.
That's amazing. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe how much money I lost on that. Sorry, and I hate admitting it.
No, but the odds were just you couldn't avoid them, right, Will? Yeah, you couldn't. I mean, look at that.
She's so cute. This is yesterday.
Mary on a Mary on a screensaver This is yesterday Come on That's so fucking great dude Yeah it's That's why my life really works Truly Yeah Yeah We'll be right back This episode is supported by FX's Dying for Sex, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate.

Inspired by a true story, this series follows Molly, who after receiving a terminal cancer

diagnosis, decides to leave her husband and explore the full breadth of her sexual desires.

She gets the courage and support to go on this sex quest from her best friend Nikki,

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Ted, you know what's so funny is we often ask people when they come on here, we're like, well, you've done this and what would you want to do? You've fucking done everything. You've done it all.
You've done every genre. You've done Broadway.
You've done comedy. You've done drama.
You've done film. You've done, like you've done, so I don't even know where to go with that.
Like which one do you like? I want to keep trying to experience what it is to be funny or explore the human frailty or whatever you want to call it. It can be drama as long as it has wit and humor somewhere in there.
But I want to know what that's like at every age. I want to keep acting, and I'm 77 in a few months.

Wow.

It's different.

It's different.

Trying to figure out how to be funny.

You look amazing.

Hey, you know what?

We've been on this fucking podcast

for like almost an hour

and that's the first time

anyone has said how good I look.

You look great.

You look great and you are great.

And what is it that you watch?

Do you watch a lot of stuff?

Do you devour other material too?

Like what are the things that...

Yeah, anything you're watching right now

I love it. You look great and you are great.
And what is it that you watch? Do you watch a lot of stuff? Do you devour other material too? Like what are the things that... Yeah, anything you're watching right now that's making you really laugh? Hey, all three of you may have made me laugh so much over the years.
And you do have different styles. It is, but...
Yeah. No, but Ted, it seems to be...
Not today. Are you kidding me? You should have seen me while you all were bantering.

I was doing spit takes. They told me not to.
You seem, you're so aware of sort of the, of bullshit. And you're so, you seem so good about being not full of bullshit and being real, being honest with yourself.
It seems like you really, or at least you really make me laugh when you play these characters that they act like they are smarter than they actually are. Damages to me was one of the funniest things I got to do.
Because that's the epitome of that. Exactly.
It's sort of behaving like you're more confident than you actually are because you are aware of how fragile confidence and intelligence really is because you're honest with yourself about that. Is that kind of accurate? You like playing those characters that kind of have this kind of thin veneer that you enjoy showing the audience kind of cracks in? I love the silliness of men.
I love being a silly man. Yeah, I love that too.
I would like to be, you know, it can be disguised. It can be, but, you know, we're silly.
We're silly creatures, and I love that. Yeah, we're so flawed.
Yeah, and I do love humor that comes out of sadness. I do love that it's so much fucking suffering.
And if you can find a way to laugh while acknowledging the sadnesses of life, that I am so happy when you get to do that. Well, then you're going to die laughing if you read Sean's Wikipedia page.
Hey, listen. Wait a minute, Ted.
Wait, I was looking through your earlier credits and I see that you did an episode of BJ and the Bear.

That sounds like something right up my alley.

Yes.

No, it's not, Sean.

It's not.

What are you talking about?

BJ and the Bear? No, no, no. It's not BJ with the Bear.
No, it's BJ and... It's not BJ.
It's not BJ from a bear. you guys you guys are like a basketball team of three-pointers.
One of the shooting guards gets hot and the rest of you just sit alone and let them run. Way to go, Ted.
Now you got Sean thinking about a basketball team. Hey, listen.
Oh, man. Teddy, anyway.
By the way, he's done every... He guest starred on every TV show.
Look at his... Ever.
I know. It's amazing.
It's fucking insane. I'm a tramp.
I'll do anything. I really will pretty much do anything.
You're so lucky you get to work so much in Los Angeles, too. My God.
I know. That is amazing.
I know. You know what I forgot about? You did those three men and a baby, right? Remember those? Yes, those were great.
You must remember. You were in them.
What was that? Huge success. Those were huge hits, right, Ted? One was.
The first one was like gangbusters. I don't know.
Huge amount of millions. And then the second one, which was pretty well done.
And I remember having lunch with Jeffrey Katzenberg because it was about to come out, Three Men and a Little Lady. And we're going to do great.
We are keeping our eye on this other show, kind of small show coming out called Home Alone. But I think we'll do more.
You came out the same weekend? Yeah. Oh, my God.
Blew us out of the water. Wow.
That was 1990 or something like that? Yeah. No.
Oh, my God. But those, I mean, those were, what was the biggest, what was the hardest part on those movies? Because you're working with the baby.
Was it working with the baby or waiting for Tom Selleck to glue on his mustache? Because I would imagine... No, leave that man alone.
He's one of my favorites. I'm kidding.
I love the guy. Are you kidding? I love him.
I'm joking. He's one of the true gentlemen in our business.
Of course. I've never heard a bad thing about him.
No. That's why I made the joke.
He's great. If he sucked, I wouldn't.
He's incredible. Magnum PI.I.
for me was the fucking greatest. Yeah.
I lost a job due to Magnum P.I. The first year of Magnum, I played a murderous schmuck husband who's getting the shit beat out of him on a boat by Tom Selleck.
And it was the first time I realized I had a big ball spot on the back of my head because there was an overhead shot of this incredible hulk of a man, handsome guy beating the shit out of this wimpy, murderous husband with the ball spot. And I swear to God, this is true.
Please, Steven Spielberg listens to your show, I'm sure. A lot.
But my version of, and I hope it's true, was he was talking to me about Poltergeist. Then he happened to, within a week or two, see the Magnum PI episode, and I heard he was no longer interested.
But then he hires Craig T. Nelson, who's no Sasquatch, you know?

I mean, God bless.

You mean hair?

Yes, you're right.

You're right.

He was thinning.

He was thinning.

Yeah, yeah.

So maybe I made that up.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe he just didn't like my work.

That could well be.

I just liked the no Sasquatch as well.

Yeah, he's no Sasquatch.

It's not like a term people, you say, hey, look at this guy. He's no Sasquatch as well.
Yeah, he's no Sasquatch. It's not like a term people, hey, look at this guy, he's no Sasquatch.
Well, I'm just auditioning it. Can we keep it? Wait, wait, Ted, before we let you go.
Ted, before we let you go. No, I'm on a roll.
I don't want to go. No, you don't have to go.
Please, we love having you. What was the last, do you remember the last audition you had i mean it had to have been preachers it was probably for a feature i think it was probably it was a really funny movie the first 10 minutes didn't work and then it just took off i think it was ended up coming out called the amateurs it was called the moguls for a while.
It was Jeff Bridges in this small town and he decides

the only way to put the town on the map

is for them to do, the whole

town to participate in an amateur

porn. And that was going to

put its own. You probably

didn't see it. It's really kind of wonderful.

But I auditioned for that.

I feel like the last audition

I had was Hudsucker Proxy.

Oh wow. Coen Brothers film.

Really? I bet it wasn't the last one I did, but it was the last one I really remember because, boy, I wanted that bad. I don't think auditions are bad, though, because don't you want to make sure you're right for the part? Yes, I say that all the time.
Because there's nothing, you get an offer, and then the first time anyone sees your plan for the character

is right before you shoot it, while you're rehearsing the scene.

And you can take a big swing, and they go, you can hear the silence.

And there's no time to recast you,

or to give you a note to put you on a different track.

It's tough, yeah.

Yeah, Sean, last audition, do you remember?

Uh-oh.

Some Jake Gyllenhaal movie years and years and years ago. I can't remember.
Wow, isn't it? Yeah. Willie? I feel like there's a BJ and a Bear joke coming in here.
No, no, no, no. That was an offer.
I mean, I think it was. I mean, it was because it was through a bush.
It was through a bush and it was just, hey. It was just a bunch of cash and a low voice.
It was just, hey. And they hand the papers through the bushes.
You got to have an answer. Come on.
What's the answer? I know, I know, I know. I'm just trying to think what it was.
I think I... How about Arrested Development? Well, that audition was great.
I was with Tony Hale and you, the last one. We were all in the room together.
You, me. Crushed it.
Jason, you auditioned for that too. I just kind of assumed it was yours.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no.
I auditioned hard for that one. I was very surprised I got an audition for that.
In fact, the only reason Mitch Hurwitz read me for that is because he remembered me from auditioning for some pilot like a few years earlier that i didn't get but he remember liking me for um wasn't it the hockey one that perhaps i'm not sure but um boy that that that show saved my life yeah you all have made me i get to say this don't cut it have made me laugh so hard not only today but in everything you've done over the years it is such a, Ted. Likewise.
It's such a joy to sit in the... And a lot this hour, too.
Thank you so, so, so much. Thanks for being here, Toby.
I appreciate it. You said, I'm going to say this, and I don't throw this term around lightly.
You know, it's coming your way, you know. What are you going to say? Say, you're a world-class jerk-off.
No, I'm not going to say that. I'm going to say, you're a fucking national hero.
Yes. You really are.
And treasure. You really are, dude.
You are a treasure. And I just couldn't think any more highly of you.
I just think that you're a great guy, and you're so great at what you do for so long. I got you.
And keep doing it. And I'm glad you're doing a show with the great Mike Schur, whom we adore and is an unbelievable talent in his own right.
And just thanks for doing this, man. What a thrill to be able to sit here with you and talk to you.
Honestly, it's just an absolute thrill for me. So thank you.
Podcasts are cool, man. Podcasts are cool.
Thank you for showing us the ride. And congrats on yours.
Yeah. I can't wait to listen to that.
Yeah, by the way, yeah, you and Woody, it turns out you've got good chemistry. Yeah.
Yeah, because he's so, I'm the straight guy and he's just all over the map. He's such a.
Love him. I love him so much.
I do too. Just quickly, and then we'll go goodbye.
My favorite is Woody's during Cheers. You know, if you were 15 minutes late, it was okay.
If you're a half hour late, hey, we're, you know, by 45 minutes late, people get pissed. And it was about 45 minutes late, no Woody.
Somebody comes running in and said, oh, I forgot to tell you, Woody is in Berlin. The wall is coming down and he didn't want to miss it.
Oh, my God. Literally.
No way. He's at the Floyd show.
Yeah. No way.
Good for him. He was like, fuck it, I'm not missing this for anything.
It must have been wild, Ted, to watch the evolution of Woody Harrelson from getting the part and starting out at the end of the series to what he had become, you know, as a human being and as an activist and as everything, as a movie star. He's a wonderful actor.
Yeah, I love him. I love him.
And the more popular, or if he gets nominated, my little revenge is to watch his film on my cell phone. Yeah.
You know, just a big movie star. Yeah.
Watching you on my cell phone. That's great.
I love him. Teddy, we love you.
Love you. Enjoy the rest of your trip over there.
Thank you for doing this. Get rest.
Good luck with your film. Oh, you woke me up.
This hour did wonders for me. Thank you so much.
Yeah, sure did. Bye, guys.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye, pal. Bye.
He just lifted me up. I was just going to say.
God, I love that guy's vibe. I mean.
Something else, huh? Easy breezy. Easy like summer morning.
I'd love to work. I don't think he and I have ever worked together.
I'd love to work with him. It says a lot about you.
Well, but I mean, it seems like. No, just that you're not sure is what I'm remembering.
Well, but I guess what I'm saying is that we've had so many years in television. I bet you.
That's true. We've been part of the same sort of like...
Upfronts. Yeah, or like charity, you know, kind of a telethon or whatever the fuck, you know? I do think it's funny.
I do think it's a very funny thing in this town where I won't say who it is, but I ran into a person that is known in the world. And she said...
Male or female? Because I'll guess it. Female.
And she said- I've got it. I said, hey, what's going on? She's like, have you ever been to our house? And it's like, if anybody from Chicago, where I'm from, you know who's been inside of your house.
But I don't know. I disagree with that.
I've said a million times to people coming over, although I'm not much

of a barometer,

but, you know,

I'll be surprised.

You know, I'll say like,

have you not been over before?

You know,

because if I've been friends

with somebody for a long time,

you forget whether,

you know,

you're like over your house

or my house.

You just like assume.

For sure.

Anyway, Teddy.

Teddy's great.

Teddy is the greatest.

Teddy's great.

Teddy's great. Will, nice guest.
He's so great. And yeah, and you know, Ted and Woody have their podcast, which he was alluding to that I did the first episode of.
Yes, that's very nice. By the way, now I'm taking credit.
Like I was on the first, I didn't even know. Oh, you launched it.
I launched the show that they're doing is also on Sirius, like us. Yes.
We are now on Sirius. We're all under the nice, beautiful roof of Sirius.
Yeah. SiriusXM.
So check it out. It's called Where Everybody Knows Your Name, which is, I guess, an allusion to which is a nod to the song.
Alluding to something. The song.
The song, the cheers song. I know, Sean.
The theme song. I got song I got it you stupid ass right now I want to go where nobody knows my name after that anyway you know I was looking at a lot of here we go fucking here we go I was looking at a lot of fucking listen to this by the way Sean before you get into it can I just say this yeah.
It's so, even if we haven't done a show in a couple weeks. Go ahead.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.
We can see you coming from across the street. I can see the ramp up.
Yeah. I can see, you know, like when a soccer player gets ready to take a penalty kick? All the time, yeah.
And I can, you know, they do that thing, a little sort of stutter step before they get into the ball. I can see you doing your little stutter step at your end.
I can hear your engines rip up, you know, like a semi-trucker. Anyway, I was looking at Ted's credits.
I was looking at Ted's credits and I was like, what did you see? And you tell me, you stop me when you hear something that you might want to know more about. He was on Help Me Help You.
I remember that. I remember that show.
He was on Heist for two episodes. He was on something called Bye Bye Benjamin.
Then he was on Knights of the South Bronx. I didn't want to use a Bye Bye Benjamin.
And then our front. Was there one in there you want to know about? Well, tell me more about Bye Bye Benjamin.
Oh, yeah. That's the one.
That was the worst. What's it called? Still rolling.
You want to go back to one? You want one more shot at that one? It's called Buy Benjamin. When you got to that title, you should have just hit it.
I know. I was setting you up as a courtesy.
What is happening? Inside your brain. Do we need to send somebody over to the house

to do like a fucking wellness check on you?

What is happening?

What's wrong with you?

All right, there was a show called Help Me Help You,

and then he did Heist,

and then he did a show called Bye Bye Benjamin!

Bye Bye.

Why does it always seem to go up into an octave

that has never been established by any bird or...

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