"Amy Schumer"

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Speaker 2 Hey guys, listen, I'm getting the sense that the listener really wants to get into the episode.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they just want to jump right into the skip. Anything you'd like to say before we get into it?

Speaker 1 Forever, hold your peace because you're going to be able to get away from

Speaker 1 I'm good. I'm good.

Speaker 1 We're going to get your pod on. Yeah, we're going to jump into the podcast.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Welcome to Smartless.
Smart.

Speaker 1 Smart.

Speaker 1 Let's.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 Sean was asking me before we came on, I decided to save it for

Speaker 1 the PCAST.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I was at the Emmys

Speaker 1 recently

Speaker 2 to present an award and didn't do the red carpet sort of sitting in the audience thing, just kind of drove there myself and went through the back door, presented, and then left right after that.

Speaker 2 So I said to Frannie, Tracy, this is my 17-year-old daughter.

Speaker 2 I said, I'm just going to go, you know, in and out there. Do you want to come with me and kind of see what's going to be? She's like, sure.
So we drove down there together and we went in there.

Speaker 2 I said, and then we were in the green room and then they started take olympic um ilympic was part of the route

Speaker 2 um and then uh and then while we were i said come with me to the to the wings there because they said it's time to present and i said uh franny come walk with me right to the edge of the stage so you can see how it all works so she walked

Speaker 2 and the stage manager said to her said uh hey you want to walk the award out there yeah And she's like, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 Well, you know, instead of the awards gal walking it out there, the trophy gal, do you want to walk the award out there? And she's like, uh sure

Speaker 1 so franny ended up walking out on stage yeah um with me present with the award in her hand and handed it to to the to the winner there and stole the show because she loves the show she didn't steal the show but you know i mean it was very cool that we were like on stage together at the emmy like when when's that ever going to i know that's really cool we we were we were with uh your wife amanda yes

Speaker 1 scotty with some friends and um

Speaker 1 amanda and i can i think i can say amanda and i are dating now

Speaker 1 Yeah, we can say that. Yeah, you can say it.
You don't have to say that. No, but we said.
I would love it if you said it to me first privately. You walked out.

Speaker 1 You walked out with, and then you were there with Franny. We were like, oh my God, it's Franny.
And we were like rewinding to see. We kept sort of rewinding.

Speaker 1 The camera didn't catch her too great, but we looked at it. The camera didn't catch her great enough.

Speaker 2 We looked out into the crowd, and there's

Speaker 2 Kimmel and Molly sitting right on the aisle. You could see the shot.

Speaker 1 They were like, oh, my God, that's Franny.

Speaker 2 They pulled out their iPhones and took some pictures.

Speaker 1 Isn't that sweet? But it was wild. Right when you walked out to present, I looked over to your other beautiful, gorgeous, amazing daughter, Maple.

Speaker 1 And I looked at her and she was like staring at the screen with a big smile on her face. She's like, she didn't have to say anything.
I was like, what's going on in her head?

Speaker 1 Like, oh my God, that's my dad. So cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was, it was really, really sweet. And I will say, Mape has, I don't know what's happening.
It's almost like since Christmas, and it's not been that long, seems so much older now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like in the last two weeks, I haven't seen her in two weeks before the other night.

Speaker 2 We bought her some growth hormone for Christmas.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How do you, how do you, how do you,

Speaker 1 I remember you saying you were like, we're going to take her to this institute in the Alps. You guys went to Switzerland.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you got to do it outside of the country. It's just

Speaker 2 too experimental right now. But yeah, she's really growing.
Four inches since Christmas.

Speaker 1 No, it's really sweet. Yeah, she is sweet.

Speaker 1 I love her.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, thank you for the family indulgence there.
Do you want to get to our guest or do you guys have some

Speaker 1 chatter?

Speaker 1 Can I just ask you a quick question?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Capricorn. Does that do it?

Speaker 1 Yun. Well, it's part of it.

Speaker 1 Do Capricorns wear their headphones over their hoodie? Because that's what I want to know.

Speaker 2 What is the chili in the house here? Hold on.

Speaker 1 It's right. Oh, it's Sean.
Jason. Oh, look at that.
Jason just took off his hoodie. By the way, Jason, your hair, so I will say this.

Speaker 1 The other thing I loved about, and I said it at the time when we were all watching, and Sean, you can back me up.

Speaker 1 You came out, you you presented you did your little bit you referenced the photo it was the perfect i was like that's how you present you were the absolute

Speaker 1 example honestly it was so good it was tight it was great you look great with the long hair i think i told you that lewis who would saw you that i lose like out of the other day says to me unsolicited jason's hair looks amazing i was like okay man yeah lewis put his hands on me earlier and then

Speaker 1 i mean like come on man but you you came out you looked great and then you just did your bit it was funny and then you, I don't know, there was something really classy and simple. I know, I love that.

Speaker 1 It was. It was great.
You didn't try too hard. Not just because you're my friend.

Speaker 1 This is one of the best parts, though.

Speaker 1 One of our friends that we all know, that I was sitting next to,

Speaker 1 they start playing the theme to the Will and Grace program.

Speaker 1 And she leans over to me and she goes, what song is this?

Speaker 2 She's a funny one. She should go into conversation.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's the theme to my show that I was on. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Listener, her name rhymes with Bennifer Ganniston.

Speaker 2 But we're not going to tell you.

Speaker 1 She goes, what song is that? I go, that's from my show.

Speaker 1 And she was like,

Speaker 1 you're an actor? I remember hearing her just fainting the computer say, you're an actor.

Speaker 2 I love how Fran, you know, because Frannie and Maple have grown up with Jen since they were little kids.

Speaker 2 They thought that she just sold, that she was a water salesman and a shampoo salesman until about five or six years ago.

Speaker 1 They just didn't know.

Speaker 1 Remember Nash came over for

Speaker 1 before Christmas, and he thought he thought that Jens

Speaker 1 was a really nice restaurant.

Speaker 2 How do we always have this restaurant rented out?

Speaker 1 It's like, I like that. We can always get a table.

Speaker 2 It's not a restaurant, but guys, today I've got for you a big brain.

Speaker 2 I know you like it when we have folks on the show that can fill us in on, you know, all the things we have trouble figuring out, people that can make us smarter, right?

Speaker 1 After all, it's called smartless. Well, we have a long way to go in that.
We don't know anything.

Speaker 2 Now, they might not be our most entertaining guests or the funniest, but they are important to hear. And sometimes you just have to take into medicine.
So today we've got just that person.

Speaker 2 So settle in. All right.
So she's been studying human beings and society in general for decades.

Speaker 2 She's been sharing her findings with audiences all over the world. She delivers her lectures live or on podcasts or television in books.

Speaker 2 Often her lectures cover issues ranging from equality, religion, politics, relationships, and even procreation.

Speaker 2 For her work, she has been recognized with numerous awards and admiration, including a Peabody Award.

Speaker 1 Lately,

Speaker 2 she has shocked the world and tried her hand in the entertainment world, too.

Speaker 2 She's found herself on the receiving end of one nomination from the Golden Globes, two from the Grammys, one from the Tony's, 13 Emmy nominations, and ended up winning one of those.

Speaker 2 She has also hosted the Oscars. Guys, it's the girl with the lower back tattoo.
It's America's own Amy Schumer.

Speaker 1 Guys,

Speaker 2 thought it was some academic stiff.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi, Amy.

Speaker 2 When you guys, I could just feel you seething, going, oh, fucking Bateman's got himself another academic.

Speaker 3 He looks so sad.

Speaker 1 He does. That's his resting, sad face.
Can I just say I'm a little disappointed, Amy, because you were going to be my guest a long time ago. Yeah.
Yeah. I'd be good.

Speaker 1 And then Bateman stole you from out under.

Speaker 1 That's it. It often happens on the show.

Speaker 2 I actually just texted our producer the other day a couple of names, and he's like,

Speaker 2 in process.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Somebody else go.

Speaker 3 Can I just say this is my first, actual first time that two men have ever fought over me, and I just want to relish it for

Speaker 1 a second. Really? Yeah, I know.
Okay, two and a half.

Speaker 1 I'm a half. Amy, I'm such a huge fan.
I've never met you before. I've always felt like, God, I just love you.
I have a lot of people. I just love you.

Speaker 1 What is your problem?

Speaker 1 What's What's your problem?

Speaker 1 I can hear all of you.

Speaker 3 I'm thrilled to be here to promote my lectures.

Speaker 1 My lectures. Oh, I thought you were going right into a plug for your new project.
Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 3 No, I'm done. Did I tell you I just left the business? So

Speaker 1 we're making news.

Speaker 1 This is it. Yeah.
What are you going to do?

Speaker 3 I'm just going to be like a fit model, I guess.

Speaker 1 You might as well. Hello?

Speaker 1 You.

Speaker 1 No, no, we're still here. Oh, what about? What if

Speaker 2 explained that incredibly gorgeous background you've got there?

Speaker 1 Now, look at that. This is my first time.

Speaker 3 Is it a house? This is honestly my first time anybody's ever

Speaker 3 seen the back of my thing, you would think.

Speaker 2 Can you say that better? You got another chance to say that.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Still rolling. I haven't podcasted from this room ever.
Oh, fair.

Speaker 3 So this is my first exposure, and I didn't think it through.

Speaker 1 And this is my office. This is my office.

Speaker 1 Real tasteful.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's not good. It's not good.

Speaker 3 No, no it's good is it a home office are we talking to you from a home office uh yes this is my home office according to my taxes and um i don't want to get you in trouble with the irs what now that's not my goal yeah no this is my this is uh this is my little home office it's not big but it's mine and as you can see i started color coding my books and then i stopped yeah it's exhausting

Speaker 3 my book i'm sorry

Speaker 1 sean color coded his books right and it took like better part of 15 seconds Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, it's not worse than my book.

Speaker 1 Well, they're all chilling.

Speaker 3 Audio books are, you know, they're tough.

Speaker 1 But a lot of people have home offices. Do you actually sit there and work from your home office?

Speaker 3 I haven't much. That's why, I mean, this is truly my first podcast from here.

Speaker 3 So I feel exposed. I feel humiliated.
I just am realizing I left this door open and you can see a sad pile of stuffed animals.

Speaker 2 No, I can see your tasteful windows and couch and rugs and like uh

Speaker 3 i will say that amy those that pile of stuffed animals it does look like it's from a horror film i will just say if you saw these things do you want to if you saw these things up up close you would really question the rest of this interview it's really really terrifying yeah should i should i grab them i mean and and i wanted to say of all regrets which is of course doing this podcast at all but mostly not wearing a bra Okay

Speaker 1 and I'm so I'm gonna just kind of

Speaker 2 I've got one on okay good

Speaker 2 Now, Amy, what about working from home?

Speaker 2 What does work look like for you?

Speaker 2 And I'm not

Speaker 2 being shitty.

Speaker 2 How does a stand-up

Speaker 2 or well, you're beyond that. You're more than that.
But when you're doing stand-up work, this is the part that interests me.

Speaker 2 You're not just walking around town with a little pad of paper and like jotting down shit you think might be funny, right?

Speaker 2 It's harder than that. You're sitting down, you're trying to craft actual, you know, word sequencing on a joke set up.

Speaker 2 But like, does that happen in an office for you staring at a wall or is it more collaborative?

Speaker 3 I don't do, I don't, I don't really write. I think I used to write.
I now just will say something, you know, to a friend or my husband or my son. And I'll go, is that funny? And then I write it down.

Speaker 3 And then I, yeah, I, I don't, I've never had the discipline to sit and write.

Speaker 1 I sit and write scripts in bed.

Speaker 3 Like I sit up in bed and I mostly write in bed. I don't know what I'm doing in here.
I don't, I I don't feel comfortable in here. And thank you for pointing that out.

Speaker 1 But you're not. When you say in here, do you mean this planet? Or are you saying the drug?

Speaker 2 But when you're up on stage, you're not riffing off of

Speaker 1 the points, are you?

Speaker 3 No, no, that's from like, you know, trying, I'll have a premise and I'll kind of just say the premise on stage at the comedy cellar or something.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 3 just work it out. And, you know, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, so let me ask you about that, about the comedy seller and all that kind of stuff. So for you now, you're an established comedy star, but you still have to do,

Speaker 1 you still go and you work stuff out. I mean, just talk to, tell,

Speaker 1 you know, Tracy

Speaker 1 what that process is like for you. Tracy is Sean's sister.
Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan.
Okay. He wants a listener.
Because he's not doing that. But what do you,

Speaker 1 what is that like for you? So you're talking to your husband or your friends or whatever, and then you end up having some material. You're like, all right, I've got like a bunch of stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you go, what, you're like, it's a Thursday night, like tonight, and you go, like, I'm going to put the kids to bed, and I'm going to go to the comedy cellar at 10 o'clock.

Speaker 3 I just. I only have one kid but you're like one of my best sorry so you know that I know I mean

Speaker 1 I say kids because I'm trying to shame you do you

Speaker 1 because I know you've been trying do you

Speaker 1 actually

Speaker 3 no but totally have which is makes it real but that's what makes it funnier but do you do you think wait actually wait can I show you something because Jason asked me one time like very rudely about because I had I actually had my uterus removed and is that true but I and he was like did you save it and I was like I actually did save it I like had it bronzed, you know, because of how difficult my pregnancy was.

Speaker 3 And I can't believe I, I didn't even think of this, but I get the chance to show this to you.

Speaker 1 No, well,

Speaker 3 it's not my son, wipes on my pants when I get up.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 This is my uterus.

Speaker 1 Is that really it? Oh my god. Oh, my God.
Can you hold it closer to the camera? That's crazy. Wow.
Okay. So I take my joke back.
I take my joke back because I had, I literally had zero idea.

Speaker 1 I thought it was a good idea. No, it's fine.
It's fine.

Speaker 3 Time's up. Honestly, time's up for you.

Speaker 1 Well, no, obviously.

Speaker 2 Check your email, Will.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 How are you tweeting? I didn't even see you leave the screen. How are you?

Speaker 1 I do apologize. I had zero idea, obviously.

Speaker 3 It's all good.

Speaker 1 What I want to know is, so you write down your joke ideas. It's a Thursday night.
You put your son to bed.

Speaker 1 And then you go, honey, I'm going to go to the Comedy Central at 10 p.m. I'm just going to walk over there.
Or you show up.

Speaker 1 How does that work? Like, how do you go and just work stuff out?

Speaker 3 So I would usually, I really haven't been, I've been doing other stuff, but I would, I would, yeah, I would say, like, I would actually say, I'm going to do a like surprise show at the seller.

Speaker 3 And I would go and do like, you know, however much time I have, 45 minutes or something, and just try new stuff. And it's like.
I do like day shows so the audience doesn't feel too bad.

Speaker 3 It's like 4 p.m. They pay like $5.

Speaker 1 That's a great idea. Yeah.
That's a great idea.

Speaker 3 And it's like, kind of just, just like I'm like, seriously, you know, you hear about comedians like Joan Rivers or Rickles and they would be doing like some casino show at like 11 a.m.

Speaker 3 And you're like, what? And now that's like me. Yeah, that's like my dream is just to get that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This seems stupid, but like, do you call them in advance and go, hey, it's Amy Schumer showing up at 4 p.m. And I'm going to do an hour.

Speaker 3 Or no?

Speaker 3 Well, no, I just like text

Speaker 3 Liz the manager or SD the booker and I say is today a good day for me to come and do and they would write like secret girl show and Liz would post a picture of her pug and that really means it's me and some people know that so like you know 60 people would come at, you know, 4 p.m.

Speaker 3 on a Tuesday.

Speaker 1 I'd be right there. I can't imagine lunchtime.

Speaker 2 Look after that pug.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but that's how you know. And then you, I work it out, and I, you know, I take out the stuff that's bombing like everything on this podcast so far.

Speaker 1 And no, no. No, it's fine.
It's fine. What about, what about

Speaker 1 I'm just vulnerable. Whoa.
Did you shut up?

Speaker 1 Will

Speaker 2 your son

Speaker 2 Will mention your son? It reminded me of what.

Speaker 1 Okay, so guys. I have a daughter.

Speaker 2 No, her son's name is Gene.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 And she named his middle name Attel, right, after Dave Attel. And then she realized,

Speaker 2 well, say, say, say the first and middle name quickly together. Sean, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Gene Attel. Yeah.
Gena Tal.

Speaker 2 So she changed it because she thought it might sound like genital.

Speaker 3 See, Sean didn't put it together like me as a new mom until it was a month in. And then I realized, and my husband's last name is Fisher, so I named him Genital Fisher.

Speaker 1 Genital Fisher. Like that to be funny.

Speaker 2 So she did a little switcheroo on that. We had, we had the same thing with Maple.

Speaker 2 We, we, uh, uh, Maple Sylvie Bateman, um, and, and she's, she, and one of her, her friends, older sisters, uh, said, wait, Maple Syrup Bacon, and we're like, oh, shit, we got to go downtown and we got to change that.

Speaker 3 Is that the same as naming your kid after like cock and balls?

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, what about this? What about Amy? What about his middle name, Nate?

Speaker 1 That would have been perfect.

Speaker 2 That would be fun.

Speaker 3 We changed it to David. We played it safe.
He sounds like a lawyer.

Speaker 2 Smart. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Now, Amy. Yes.
What was your first introduction to stand-up? Why did you get started in that world? Is mom or dad funny? Did they take you to comedy shops?

Speaker 1 Like, why? Why that? What happened?

Speaker 3 Actually, we did watch a lot of comedy.

Speaker 3 I grew up watching you. Just kidding.

Speaker 1 You hate when people say that because I'm like your age.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 I just remember being like one years old watching you in your prime.

Speaker 3 I loved Gilda and Lucy and Whoopi Goldberg and Comic Relief and SNL, which wasn't branded SNL then, but you know. And then,

Speaker 3 and I did plays and Yeah, my parents were both really funny. But then I did improv after college.

Speaker 1 Were they show, were your parents in entertainment?

Speaker 3 No. My mom's a speech and hearing therapist for the deaf, and my dad sold baby furniture.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Did he make the baby furniture?

Speaker 3 No, he just

Speaker 3 they imported it from Europe, from Italy. So parents who wanted fancy baby furniture for something.

Speaker 1 The furniture, not the babies. Yeah.

Speaker 3 We did not import the babies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we will be right back.

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Speaker 4 The family that vacations together stays together. At least, that was the plan.
Except now, the dastardly desk clerk is saying he can't confirm your connecting rooms. Wait, what?

Speaker 3 That's right, ma'am. You have rooms 201 and 709.
No, we cannot be five floors away from our kids. Uh, the doors have double locks, they'll be fine.

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Speaker 1 Welcome to Hilton.

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Speaker 4 Hilton, for this day.

Speaker 1 And now, back to the show.

Speaker 2 What was that first time, Amy, that first time you were on stage? I just, I'm asking just because I've never had the balls to do any sort of stand-up or monologue type of thing.

Speaker 2 I mean, I did once with Willie at UCB, but it was a total blackout because I was so nervous. But I can't imagine.

Speaker 1 You can't even do a toast. Come on.

Speaker 1 Is this the same? Oh, you can't do a toast.

Speaker 2 I really lock up.

Speaker 2 When you're on stage there, the first time you decided to, okay, I'm going to do this set or this series of jokes I i think are funny what was that like and how old were you

Speaker 3 i was

Speaker 3 23 which means i've been doing stand-up for 20 years no i'm 42 never mind um where where were you where was this was this like at college it was at gotham the old gotham comedy club i had done um and i was like i did one of those improv groups that you like pay to be in like just a straight up hustle from backstage uh you know that paper and uh

Speaker 3 yeah it was like you know um $50

Speaker 3 to like go to a freezing theater and meet like other mentally ill people right and uh

Speaker 3 and one of the um

Speaker 3 women in it was like I'm doing a show at Gotham you just had to bring four people and I watched her and I just thought like I could I could maybe do this that's how you get up on stage is if you brought four people to pay still like that yeah really

Speaker 3 so it's like amateur night but you've got to have four people to okay yeah so you can get you can actually get in front of real audiences not just like right to open mics because,

Speaker 3 you know, and generally a real audience will laugh at some point because they feel bad for you.

Speaker 1 Did you trust that the stuff that you worked on was working? I mean,

Speaker 3 no, I decided that day that I was going to do it. Wow.
And I...

Speaker 2 You had no material.

Speaker 3 No, I wrote out a set. Like, I just came up with like what would, you know.

Speaker 1 Fuck me. What was your first joke? This is fascinating.

Speaker 3 It was about how skywriting is a a stupid way to get engaged.

Speaker 1 Cause it,

Speaker 1 you know, it gets so sad.

Speaker 3 It's like, I, I had, and I talked about taking the crosstown bus in Manhattan and like, it was just like.

Speaker 2 You trusted your ability to just kind of riff on stuff and, and, and that there would be a shared sort of experience with, with yeah, and it went well enough.

Speaker 3 I think this is.

Speaker 3 a lot of comedians experience that your first time you do really well and then the second time you die on stage right

Speaker 2 What if it hadn't gone well? Do you think you would have said, okay, screw this? And if so, where do you think you would have gone career-wise? What, what, what are you, what are you drawn to?

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 I was always going to just perform. Like, I never had a thing.
Like, I went to college for theater and had no goals, had no backup. I waved the tables and bartended for a long time.

Speaker 1 I could go.

Speaker 1 But you could see that, right?

Speaker 3 Me being like a rude waitress.

Speaker 1 Do you miss theater?

Speaker 3 I got to do a Broadway show.

Speaker 1 Oh, what'd you do?

Speaker 3 I did a Steve Martin play called Meteor Shower.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, Sean's wig.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what you got the Tony nomination for?

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.
Wow. That's so cool, Amy.

Speaker 3 Thank you. I saw, I've seen now twice Prayer for the French Republic on Broadway.
It's so good.

Speaker 1 You guys have to see it. Yeah, I've heard that's great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to wait tables, and my one joke was I would bring the food to the.

Speaker 1 I was a runner. I wasn't a waiter.
I ran the food to the booth. Oh, story's falling apart all the time.
Anytime I would have the play.

Speaker 1 I would have to play.

Speaker 2 You'd just come in hissing, hot shit, hot shit, hot shit.

Speaker 1 I would come in and right before I'd put the food down, somebody would inevitably say, oh, that looks fantastic. And I'd point to my shirt and I'd go, thanks, I just got it.
Thanks.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it worked every time.

Speaker 1 Do you get any repeat customers who are like, you fucking, you did that like the last three times? Sean, that's the fucking sweatiest joke. Please fucking stop.

Speaker 3 I feel like I didn't gush to you, Sean, for how funny and how much I love you. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 3 my joke that I do at nauseum, like, and I cannot stop myself, is

Speaker 3 whenever somebody, I'll order a drink, a cocktail, and when the waiter rings it over, I go, who sent this?

Speaker 1 I do that all the time. Damn it.
Okay, that's okay. I do really drink and I think he'll also do this and I act really, what?

Speaker 3 Like a bar or something.

Speaker 1 I'll do that anymore.

Speaker 1 Sean also does something that never doesn't work.

Speaker 2 He'll grab whatever clutch or purse he sees around and he'll throw it over his shoulder and distractedly kind of look up from rifling through and going, guys, does anybody need anything from CVS?

Speaker 1 Right back.

Speaker 1 Or anytime there's a candle, he holds it up and then guards the flame and goes, guys, right this way. I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, does anybody know the bathroom?

Speaker 3 Another, a favorite one that we do, a lot of comics I'm friends with, we'll just like.

Speaker 3 This is probably another bit everyone does, but we try to, we all act like we're going to pay the bill. We go like, no, no, I got this.

Speaker 3 And and then we'll put like a Metro card or like just something that makes no sense, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Or our favorite, this is my favorite bit we would do: we would go,

Speaker 3 maybe you've heard this too. I don't know if this is like a bit, but it's like comics go,

Speaker 3 oh my god, did you guys see me last night? Like, I was, I was amazed.

Speaker 1 Have you heard this before?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was amazing. Like, I don't know what happened.
Everything was just firing. And then one of us would go, like, Keith, we were there.
And he goes, Well, they were mostly from out of town.

Speaker 3 they were barked in, they didn't know where they were.

Speaker 1 Sean, did we already talk about this in the post?

Speaker 1 Sean had this really funny bit where he and his friend went on a trip once and they had to borrow a fan because he Sean needs a fan in order to fall asleep

Speaker 1 because he loves a fan. Yeah, so we'll just grab anybody, anybody who's seen Will and Grace or whatever, but he just needs a fan.
Oh, a fan.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, sorry, I'm kidding. But a fan.
And so he goes to, he's at this hotel and they bring in a fan. They go, of course, because he's Sean Hayes of Will and Grace, and they love him.

Speaker 1 They're big fans. And they put the thing, they give him a fan, and it says, for for office, do not take out of the office, it says on the fan.

Speaker 1 So he and his friend, they were on this, and they spent the whole night doing bits about the person who comes back to the office

Speaker 1 and notices the fan is missing. Right, despite the whole thing.

Speaker 1 So then like a month ago, we were at dinner, maybe two months ago, and we started doing, and everybody had to do their version of the boss coming back.

Speaker 3 And you had to say, where's my fan?

Speaker 1 And where's my fan? Yes. And the line was,

Speaker 1 you couldn't change anything. You could do whatever you want, but you had to say, where's my fan? Yeah, you can come in super happy.
You can come in

Speaker 1 mad.

Speaker 1 We did an hour on it.

Speaker 2 Where was this? And where was I?

Speaker 1 It was fun. You had already gone home.
It was after 7.30 p.m. So you'd already gone to bed.

Speaker 1 I don't know where you were, JB, because Amanda was there. So you come in.
So, Amy, you come in and you do this. You go, so you come in and you go,

Speaker 1 Hey, guys, so we're going to start the day.

Speaker 1 Four through six has a real big issue with their sheets. We have to change their sheets.

Speaker 1 Where's my fan?

Speaker 1 So fucking. And then Sean and I have started doing this bit where we go, where we go, yeah, man, of course I know where that is.
Hello. Hello?

Speaker 1 And then you answer yourself. You surprise yourself.

Speaker 1 Oh, why is it so funny? We're dumb. It's so funny.
We're very dumb.

Speaker 2 Speaking of dumb, what happens when you get some real dumbass, lippy audience member that wants to just start talking to or commenting on your joke or at worst, you know, heckling or something like that.

Speaker 1 You got any like anything ever go really sideways?

Speaker 2 This is sort of a Sean Hayes question.

Speaker 1 You ever punch anybody from stage?

Speaker 3 Get down, walk down into the stands, and I have never physically assaulted anybody in the audience.

Speaker 1 We're not lawyers. Oh, all right.
It was

Speaker 3 look, it was one time fucking.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, I have like some YouTube videos showing me with hecklers over the years.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like every comic, I think, is because they had like a bad, you know, labored childhood experience.
Yeah, just trauma, trauma. So, um,

Speaker 3 so, and you know, I think people get into stand-up because of the control of it. They like that.
It's a one-sided conversation.

Speaker 3 So when it goes wrong, you're already, you're pretty defensive. So I'm, I've, you're ready.
And, uh, and, you know, the goal is to get like a big laugh.

Speaker 3 and and but some comics you know will take it too far and it you just see that they're and it ruins the show because you just see that they're yeah they're really sad and angry and they're too affected by it that's the thing you've got to avoid I'm I'm guessing right you can't can't don't make the audience tight or tense or the best thing I've seen is just to diffuse it Honestly, like, I think that's the pro move.

Speaker 3 They go like, you suck. You go like, thanks, dad.
Or, you know, like, whatever.

Speaker 1 Just try to keep the show moving.

Speaker 3 Because it's, like, you know, it's a fun little.

Speaker 3 That's the best. I think that's the, that's the pro.

Speaker 1 Sean, are you crying?

Speaker 1 A little bit. Oh,

Speaker 1 no. Why?

Speaker 1 When you're not doing it, Aim, do you, do you, I mean, I cut everybody. I love it.
I love it. Yeah.
When you're not doing it, do you miss it? Do you crave it?

Speaker 1 Do you crave going back on when you're not like on tour or not doing it?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I do. I really miss it.
I mean, it's, it's hard because it's like, you know, within your family, like no one

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 3 is interested in your career.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 3 no. And so it's like to go on stage.
Like if I went to the cellar right now, I would go up and I would get a long applause and people would be excited to see me.

Speaker 3 And I just can't really get used to that because then, you know, you start thinking that they're right. And like, why is it, you know, am I important in my household?

Speaker 3 And, you know, as you all know, you're you're not. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Nothing.

Speaker 2 The last person to give it up anything for me is inside my house.

Speaker 3 Of course.

Speaker 1 So it's like, yeah, you know, same. Yes.

Speaker 1 So it's

Speaker 2 what about, so you might miss that.

Speaker 1 I'm a real hit at home, to be honest. Is that true? I don't see that for you.
That's

Speaker 1 pretty well. Why not? Why don't you say that?

Speaker 3 No, I don't know. Let's just keep the conversation moving.

Speaker 1 Okay. But I just,

Speaker 1 but I do say, you know, what's funny is, is

Speaker 1 I totally hear that in, because it's not real and it's outsized for, you know, from your real life, meaning that

Speaker 1 we all have our relationships with our family, et cetera, et cetera. And then you go on stage or you interact with fans and that kind of adulation is not is not normal.

Speaker 1 But I will also say that people, you know, people say, like, oh, you like people who like you. And I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with that? Right. Of course I do.
What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Will on Sunday was making me pee my pants. My stomach hurts so bad from laughing.
And I turned to Alessandra, his baby mama, and I turned to Alessandra and I go, God, it never, I'm crying laughing.

Speaker 1 I go, it just doesn't stop. And she goes, from 6 a.m.
till bedtime. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is while she was cleaning her gun or was she loading it?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 while you love the immediate gratification and feedback of a stand-up stage,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 you're doing way more sort of like on-camera stuff now than you ever were before,

Speaker 2 almost more so than stand-up work, right?

Speaker 2 So, how are you, are you able to get the same amount of gratification with it just being in front of a crew and hoping that later the editor and the marketing and all that stuff comes?

Speaker 2 Like, how do you, what's the gratification of doing the on-camera stuff? Is it equal to it? Is it more?

Speaker 3 I love

Speaker 3 the process.

Speaker 3 I like, you know,

Speaker 1 I know, I know, I hate that. That word's okay.
Okay, I'm allowed to say process.

Speaker 1 Don't say storyteller.

Speaker 1 Okay, I will not.

Speaker 3 I will not.

Speaker 1 I will not.

Speaker 1 I have a shot.

Speaker 3 Just to be so honored to be part of telling. We're storytelling.

Speaker 1 Oh, fucking, that's fucking it.

Speaker 3 No, I

Speaker 3 love a writer's room. Like, I love collaborating.
I love, like, you know.

Speaker 2 How do you like directing? You've been doing that too. Do you like that sort of collaboration?

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 3 I was, you know,

Speaker 3 you know, you're, I was doing it before I was credited to do it. So, you know, it's like that's, that's the truth.
So, yeah, and I love doing it with

Speaker 3 with like my crew, you know, like with like I always work with Dan Powell, Kevin Kane, and Ryan McFaul, and we kind of all do it together.

Speaker 3 But directing, I love it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, as opposed to this sort of that solo thing of being on stage, it's a completely different thing, right?

Speaker 1 But you love it just as as much, huh?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's isolating.

Speaker 2 And then, what about the writing process of

Speaker 2 scripts versus stand-up stuff? So you're in your bed, like writing Trainwreck, for instance, which, by the way, is one of my favorite of all time.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 1 It's really, really good.

Speaker 2 The judges crushed that.

Speaker 2 Did you, was that a fantastic experience, or was it a lot more work than you had anticipated? And if so, was it worth it?

Speaker 3 It was totally fun. Yeah.
And it was completely worth it and amazing. And I was like afraid of becoming famous, but it's been okay.

Speaker 3 What do you guys think about it? Do you

Speaker 2 loved it? And I also think

Speaker 3 being famous.

Speaker 2 I think you're a great famous person, by the way.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I like the way you, no, I do like the way you treat fame.

Speaker 2 You're very unprecious about it. You're very humble about it.

Speaker 2 You're hilarious about it. You don't take it too seriously.
Yet you're very serious about what it is you're doing. You seem to have an incredible thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're very honest.

Speaker 1 You're very sort of open and transparent and very honest about how you feel about stuff. And so you're not held captive by it.

Speaker 1 Sometimes people can be so nervous about losing it or presenting the right way or whatever.

Speaker 1 You seem to be very honest. I don't, again, don't know you that well.
I didn't even know you had your uterus removed. But I do.

Speaker 3 That's a prop uterus, by the way.

Speaker 1 That's not a compliment.

Speaker 3 That means a lot. I can't believe I just backed myself into these compliments.
No, but it's true.

Speaker 3 Sean, did you want to add anything?

Speaker 1 Sean, I actually had a question about that. Oh, okay.
I had a question about that.

Speaker 3 There's not really time for questions.

Speaker 1 Sean's been very vocal about that. He does not like the fame on you.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, you said, Sean has famously quoted, women aren't funny.

Speaker 1 You know, famously. Yeah.
It is. It is what it is.

Speaker 1 By the way, he pre-made his gravestone to say that.

Speaker 1 And he had it made years ago. It's waiting for him to die.

Speaker 3 You already sleep under it, which I think was a strange choice.

Speaker 1 Sean's just trying to make it acclimated.

Speaker 1 That's what they say. Do you think, Amy, will women ever be funny? No, no, it's just Sean's question.
It's Sean's question.

Speaker 3 Okay, Sean, thank you for that question.

Speaker 1 Will that question? No, um, Amy, my question was about that, though. I was just starting to write down a question about how open you are, how about

Speaker 1 being body positive. You seem to always be on the right side of every issue.
At least I follow you on Instagram, and I'm like, yes, yes, like every time you post something.

Speaker 1 And thank you for your support.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm so glad.

Speaker 1 About anytime you post something about an opinion or I agree with it, and I love your voice, basically. Thank you.
So when did you ever, were you ever not like that?

Speaker 1 And was there a defining moment when you're like, you know what, I got to get out of my shell and start, you know,

Speaker 1 life is bigger than just me and my career and my family. I have to actually start expressing myself about bigger issues that include everybody.
Was there something that pushed you that way?

Speaker 1 Or was there like, wait a minute, I got to get off the couch and do something?

Speaker 3 No, I'm on the couch, as you know.

Speaker 1 Like, that's for me.

Speaker 3 I'm in the bed, but

Speaker 3 no, I was always like this. I was always open in my yap and couldn't really, yeah, I didn't know what it meant to be a feminist, like Will.

Speaker 3 It just means like thinking of women equally.

Speaker 1 Finally,

Speaker 1 but at some point, you didn't care what people,

Speaker 1 was there a shift?

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 everyone always care. I care what people think.
You know, it's like, no, what kind of an actual sociopath doesn't care?

Speaker 1 Right. Well, that's kind of my point.
It's not that you don't care what people think. It's that you're willing to risk saying what you believe in and be honest and no matter what people think.

Speaker 1 And of course,

Speaker 1 as human beings, we all take that shit on. And I don't care who you are.
You can read a comment, you can read a review, you can read a thing, and it'll hurt your feelings because we are human beings.

Speaker 1 But the ability to continue to be honest and true. to what you believe, I think is very admirable, considering that it's much more, you're in a high-profile position.
So, there you go.

Speaker 1 Well, thank you. Sean doesn't say fuck all.
I wish he would, but he doesn't take a position on fucking anything. You know what Sean's?

Speaker 1 Hello? You know what Sean's big cause is? You know what he made a big position last year? He said that a G550 was way better than a G5. Yeah, that was you.
Right. That was you.

Speaker 3 No, I think that was a good sword to fall on, Sean.

Speaker 1 That was brave. That was brave.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1 And back to the show.

Speaker 2 Was your, was your, is your cousin, Chuck Schumer, helpful in sort of.

Speaker 2 Your son, Chuck Schumer?

Speaker 2 Yes, the great senator Chuck Schumer was

Speaker 1 my baby boy. I've got to Google you right now.

Speaker 2 Is he helpful at all in sort of navigating that place of like, you know, you can care what people think, but it's okay to bake in the fact that some people are not going to like what you think.

Speaker 2 And that shouldn't prevent you from, you know, in his case, enacting legislation that serves, you know, a lot more than some.

Speaker 3 We've never talked about it, actually. No.
He very much is with me, like,

Speaker 3 you know, calls in, like, Gene's birthday and whatever. We, we have, like, talked about, you know, things over the years, but we've never talked about the hate that comes with it.

Speaker 3 I think, I think the way he feels, I'm just projecting, is how I feel, where it feels like more of an opportunity to

Speaker 3 help than like, you know, the responsibility to use my voice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, utilizing the platform.

Speaker 2 It is like, I would be so tempted. It's like, Will, you're, you know, buddies with Shanahan, you know, runs the Toronto Maple Leaves.

Speaker 2 I don't know how you're able to avoid calling him every day with an idea for a new player. Like, I would be calling Senator Chuck Schumer every day with an idea for how we can make this world better.

Speaker 2 You know, they'd be dumb ideas because I'm not bright, but I would just like,

Speaker 2 I got a bat line to somebody who's.

Speaker 3 I tell him about the Maple Leaves, actually. I call him.

Speaker 1 That's the advice I give him. Schumer's got ideas about whole thing.
Oh my God. I can't even stand up.
I can't stand up right now. Did you just ejaculate without interacting with me?

Speaker 1 is it apparent

Speaker 1 wait is it true that his name is chuck it was never charles he was born it's just chuck no his name is charles okay well i'm gonna cross yeah his name is charles what websites are you on yeah wait a minute did you well during the pandemic i fuck sorry guys oh wow he used to play stickball with my dad like he's just like a sweet like uh brooklyn dude is that true yeah so what what is that

Speaker 1 is your whole family very sort of uh involved i mean obviously he's but is your whole family very much involved in,

Speaker 1 I don't know, in politics, or have they always been involved in politics or is he an outlier?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's the only one.

Speaker 3 My family,

Speaker 3 but it's cool. I did that show, Finding Your Roots.
Did you guys ever do that?

Speaker 1 I haven't yet. I did

Speaker 1 Who Do You Think You Are? Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 I found out my family, like, you know, when they came,

Speaker 3 They were like early

Speaker 3 garment workers on the Lower East Side and like forming workers, you know, unions and that kind of stuff. So that, you know, they were like in that way political.
But

Speaker 3 but no, nobody, nobody else is like, you know, sort of in

Speaker 3 office.

Speaker 1 How far back did did your did your did your?

Speaker 1 Where did they?

Speaker 3 It went 1500s.

Speaker 1 Really? I guess that's not, is that that long?

Speaker 3 I mean, for your Europe, they're like, oh, great. But, you know, for us, it's like, wow.

Speaker 2 Anything super interesting or

Speaker 1 stuff you didn't want to hear? Where were they? Like, where did they go back to?

Speaker 3 We were in what would now be considered Ukraine.

Speaker 3 Viznits is the town for the Jewish side. And then the other side was London.

Speaker 3 Came over, settled pretty early in Massachusetts.

Speaker 3 That side of my family, back then, they were, a couple of them were stolen and brought into slavery with these

Speaker 3 this sounds like so problematic but this is really what happened they were stolen and brought into slavery up in canada for a couple of these different tribes

Speaker 1 and yeah and our nut our nut tribe yeah

Speaker 3 yeah yeah no this is really true um

Speaker 3 and then

Speaker 3 and my so like 30 years later they like my my family made enough to like go and try and rescue them. Wow.
And when they got up there,

Speaker 3 this is so, I'm I'm serious. They were

Speaker 3 when they got up there to rescue his two brothers and his sister who'd been stolen and sold into slavery,

Speaker 3 they were

Speaker 3 running the tribe.

Speaker 3 They didn't want to leave because now they were in charge of the tribe.

Speaker 2 They became Colonel Kurtz.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So that's kind of wild.

Speaker 1 That's.

Speaker 1 That is fucking crazy. No way.

Speaker 1 Wow. So did they stay in, did they stay in Canada running the tribe or whatever? Yep.

Speaker 3 And I reached out after that show and I reached out and

Speaker 3 I'm in touch with some distant cousins now.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's wild.

Speaker 3 Because of that show. Yeah.
And then I do.

Speaker 1 Fucking never call here again, eh? Fucking

Speaker 3 we're good. I mean, seriously, I like, wasn't that Danny McBride's thing in some movie?

Speaker 3 Like, that's really what happened with my family, which, you know, there, I do come from a long line of people who are, you know, fighters and, you know, just, you know, my, I have like Holocaust survivors in my family.

Speaker 3 So wow.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Shawnee, your family.

Speaker 1 When I did mine, I did, Lisa Koudreau

Speaker 1 produces a show called Who Do You Think You Are? And so I did it. And I, it was, you know, I had to go to Ireland and learn about all my

Speaker 1 Irish ancestors. And for the most part, they were all drunk, disorderly, and in jail.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was pretty wild.
So you're saying your whole family, they were all in jail and they were all what? Like drunk and disorderly and got arrested.

Speaker 1 They were drinking in Ireland?

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's funny.

Speaker 3 Did you get to read any of the charges? Like, was it, were there specific charges in the paper?

Speaker 1 There was someone in the paper in

Speaker 1 middle 1800s or late 1800s.

Speaker 1 And there was a little article in the paper that he had some, my great-great-grandfather, grandfather, great-great-great-grandfather, I don't remember, had some like sarcastic quip to the courtroom.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't remember what it was, but it was funny.

Speaker 3 Oh, and you know what I wanted to say? And

Speaker 3 just to piggyback off that,

Speaker 3 my grandma, my great-grandma was and she just died a couple years ago she was a bootlegger and her liquor store is still on 54th street schumer's liquors no way yeah

Speaker 1 yeah yeah

Speaker 3 yeah so but she i mean it's crazy she sold she tennessee williams was a regular customer um

Speaker 1 um i i i hate to do this but i love to do this too do you have any funny theater stories from Meteor Shower? Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Like anything that went wrong or just like, oh my God, one night, this horrible thing.

Speaker 3 Okay, this just lets you know about my behavior a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, they film one of the nights of the Broadway show for the Performing Arts Library up in Lincoln Center. Yes.
And so the night they were filming us,

Speaker 3 I had like a, you know, speech, like a monologue in the middle of the show. And someone in the front row took out, as they sell in most Broadway shows, peanut M ⁇ Ms.

Speaker 3 And they're sitting, you know, five feet away from me and they open up the M ⁇ Ms and they start eating them. And I'm trying to get through my mind.

Speaker 3 You know, you're like saying the words, but you're, and then finally I just like looked at them and I was like, peanut M ⁇ Ms like right now.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 Did they just freeze chewing?

Speaker 3 They, they, it was this young guy and he gave me a look like.

Speaker 1 Like, you're right.

Speaker 3 You know, like, this wasn't a good, this wasn't good timing. We just, you know, carried on.
It wasn't a very serious point. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's really funny. I had the same thing, Amy.
I was doing a one-man show called An Act of God where I was playing God. Long story.
But anyway, in the front row, swear to God, same thing.

Speaker 1 Teen at M ⁇ S?

Speaker 1 Yep. And I looked at him because in my head, I was like, I can't keep going.
I have to, and watch this guy. So I just said, you know, I stopped and I looked at him.

Speaker 1 I said, you know, this isn't a movie.

Speaker 1 This is a, this is. No, they really don't.
They really don't know that. This is a live show, and there's the fourth wall that is not there.

Speaker 3 Well, seeing Prayer for the French Republic, it's like this amazing play.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 3 you know, a lot of the, a lot of the audience for Broadway shows are, you know, 90 and above. And you can hear the play, but you can also hear it through the hearing aids.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 And they go, it's not working, you know.

Speaker 1 So Broadway.

Speaker 1 What about

Speaker 2 hosting the Oscars? Anything

Speaker 2 that we didn't see that went

Speaker 2 no good?

Speaker 1 I think you saw it.

Speaker 3 I think you saw the sort of headline on that night.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 I apologize.

Speaker 2 I'm not remembering anything specific. Are you referencing something?

Speaker 3 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 There was like a little bit of a disagreement between,

Speaker 3 do you know who have you heard of Will Smith?

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 He's an actor. And

Speaker 3 so he got into like a little thing with another comedian. I can't remember.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I remember us all being really knocked out by that. No pun intended.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Can Can I just say, this is kind of out there, but I'm just going to say it. I was surprised.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 everyone except one one. Fuck, I can't believe you went out on that list.

Speaker 3 No, I don't want to be like, you know, this will be the poll quote, but I was taken aback.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Dude, you and your controversial positions never stopped.
I'll say it.

Speaker 2 Was it a fun experience aside from that, or was the whole thing just kind of drowned out

Speaker 1 in that? It was totally fun.

Speaker 3 It was totally fun.

Speaker 3 It was like, I just wanted to do it you know like and uh and doing it with um regina and wanda was so fun like i love preparing jokes when somebody else is gonna host something i love helping them with jokes and putting on a show you know it felt like we were putting on a show and um

Speaker 3 it was so fun and i got to fly i was like i want to go up on flies and i did like a very stupid thing but you know i feel like we did a really good job honestly like i think yeah if that hadn't happened thanks um i think you know, I think a takeaway would have been that we did a good job.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I hope they do that again. You know, I don't, have they done three before?

Speaker 1 No, but I don't think so, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but, you know, when it's women, they paid us all together the same as one man. No.
No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 3 No, but what do you get for hosting that?

Speaker 1 Who knows?

Speaker 2 You're going to have to tell us.

Speaker 1 You should do it again.

Speaker 3 You would never do that?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't, I did, I mean, like earlier, we were saying, I just don't know if I would be able to survive that. I, I, I, I, I'm just not great in front of a live audience being myself.
Really?

Speaker 1 Don't you guys do this show in front of live audiences a lot? No, this is just us

Speaker 1 tours. Do we have to do it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, it wasn't comfortable. I mean, I had a good time, but that's very nerve-wracking for me.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Will, and when you asked me to do the show, the timing just didn't work out with the road, but I was so honored.

Speaker 3 You guys are all the funniest people ever everyone i know loves this no they all love the show i know nobody likes compliments but i love the show they love the show i saw you at our mutual friend jane's house yes uh and sweet jane buffet and um

Speaker 1 and i uh we talked about it and then i inquired and then it didn't work out timing wise and then i see you pop up today and it's taken me most of the show to recover from that.

Speaker 1 It's the equivalent of being slapped in the face with an empty glove. Is it?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 An empty glove. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you know what I mean? And I always, I know I have very sort of old-fashioned images, but anyway, I'm now over it. And I'm just glad you're here.

Speaker 3 Very royal metaphors.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm very regal. You didn't ask me about

Speaker 1 my lineage, and I didn't want to do it because I don't want to sit here and fucking make everybody feel bad.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Are you a king?

Speaker 3 No. What's going on? Are you descended from somebody?

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, maybe Wayne Gretzky.
Wayne Gretzky. Amy,

Speaker 1 all the accomplishments you've had and everything that you've succeeded in all these years, is there something you haven't... Is there something you'd like to bury right now from your high position?

Speaker 1 My uterus. Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'm sorry. I'm having fun.

Speaker 3 I swear to you that it never offended me for one second. But the idea that you think that maybe it offended me is like, you know,

Speaker 3 it makes me feel good.

Speaker 1 Well, I I don't, you know, we play around, but you never ever really want to actually hurts anybody's feelings.

Speaker 3 I can really barely manage having one, and I cannot imagine if it had worked out to have another one. And I don't miss my uterus, and I still have my ovaries, so I'm not in menopause.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
Huh. Well, hang on.
There go my next five.

Speaker 1 I'm tapped out. I'm tapped.

Speaker 2 Speaking of tapped out, we are past the one-hour mark, and that's our commitment to you, our guest. You only have to give us an hour, and we love you and already miss you.

Speaker 1 Amy?

Speaker 3 Am I canceled after this podcast?

Speaker 1 No, I get it again.

Speaker 1 Did you get canceled once before?

Speaker 3 Many times. I've been canceled many times.

Speaker 1 Truly?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 You've said some controversial things.

Speaker 1 I don't even think. When was the first time we met, Amy? Do you remember?

Speaker 3 The very first time?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Was it at James?

Speaker 1 This is where Phoenix gets. Oh, no, we met at Kimmel's.
No, and that's why I'm asking you this. Because we'd met before, and at Kimmel's, this is why I'm burning you because you burned me back then.

Speaker 1 We had met before, and you and I were talking to Conan, and I said, hey, blah, blah, blah, nice. And you go, we fucking met like six months ago.
And I go, oh, sorry. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 What if you think? I hope people do that. And now you think that that was the first time.

Speaker 3 I did not. No.

Speaker 1 Did I really do that? I hate when people do that. No, you weren't shitty.
You weren't shitty. We were laughing.

Speaker 2 You and I met first time we met was at Kimmel's.

Speaker 1 i think it was kimmel's yeah it was that same time it was that same time yeah that was

Speaker 1 amy do you remember the first time we met today it was today it was today on this today on this pod okay i know i know we're wrapping up but really can you just tell me i don't i really think oh no we laugh i don't we now we both don't remember the

Speaker 2 maybe i was just messing with you maybe you were it's okay first first time first time will and i met uh i i don't remember i i told him i told him one day uh after i'd stopped drinking for a while or no was it it was after you would stop drinking.

Speaker 2 Will stop drinking before me. I think I said something to him until, like, boy, our timing's terrible.
I would have loved to have just get slammed with you.

Speaker 2 You know, it would have been great if we'd partied together. And he said, oh, no, we have.

Speaker 1 We don't. We do.

Speaker 1 We had like eight years, five, six, seven, eight years before we had gone out one night.

Speaker 2 And I went ahead and got a little overserved.

Speaker 1 Oh, my gosh. Didn't.

Speaker 3 Oh, you know who I have to say this before I forget is that I work with someone that you both work with.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 3 Do you remember Michael Sarah?

Speaker 1 That's right. Yes.

Speaker 3 And we, and that's, and we have our second season of our TV show Life and Beth on Hulu.

Speaker 1 Yes. And people should watch it.
On Hulu. On Hulu.
With Michael Sarah that you can watch right now. Just go to Hulu and watch it.
And watch it. Like, what's your problem that you're not watching it?

Speaker 1 Michael Sarah.

Speaker 1 Let's do a watch party. A little lover.
Love. He's a little lover.

Speaker 1 Amy Schumer, so funny. So talented.
You're the greatest. Yeah, you're great.

Speaker 2 And your handsome house back there.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 3 Wait, I just want to show you the stuffed animal before it's over.

Speaker 1 Okay, I want to see the haunted toys.

Speaker 3 This is my real stuffed animal. This is my real stuffed animal.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, listener.

Speaker 2 This is like a stuffed panda bear that looks like it got dragged behind a pickup truck.

Speaker 1 That is the scary. It's not even a panda bear.

Speaker 3 It's not a joke. Like, this was my actual stuffed animal from growing up.

Speaker 2 Does it look like that? Because you, when you're angry, that's where you take it out.

Speaker 1 Did your parents hate you?

Speaker 3 This was my mom's when she was a little girl.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And did she have claws?

Speaker 3 It's like a hundred years, it's like filled with straw.

Speaker 1 I don't know all my stuffed animals.

Speaker 3 I liked like old antique stuffed down. I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's something that's like, show me on the doll where he touched you. And it's just like everywhere.

Speaker 1 Feathers everywhere. Oh my god.
Oh my god.

Speaker 2 Amy, love you.

Speaker 1 Love you. Love you.

Speaker 2 See you soon, I think.

Speaker 1 I hope you

Speaker 2 are the one, the only.

Speaker 1 The only. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 3 And also go on blue apron and get an apron, right?

Speaker 1 Wait, no, that's not what they sell. That's not what they sell.

Speaker 3 If you want an apron, make it blue.

Speaker 1 Get the blue one. Strap it on and cook.
Don't strap anything on. Nobody's.

Speaker 1 All right. Bye.

Speaker 2 Bye. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 2 That's Amy Schumer, everybody.

Speaker 1 That's Amy Schumer, everybody. Wow,

Speaker 1 I've always wanted to meet her.

Speaker 2 She's the greatest. I mean, she's super fun.

Speaker 2 Sit down and start talking to her like you've known her for 45 years. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I've always been a fan of hers ever since she came on.

Speaker 1 I remember her, the first time I think I saw her was on Ellen and

Speaker 1 the Ellen DeGeneres show. And she, she

Speaker 1 just was naturally funny, would tell story, and everybody was dying laughing. Like, who is this girl? How does she have the kind of stuff? She's really smart.
She's in the bar.

Speaker 1 She's just kind of say whatever she thinks and feels.

Speaker 2 And you know, there was this. There was a,

Speaker 2 this is known, this is public.

Speaker 2 She was going to be Barbie. There was going to be a version,

Speaker 1 they were going to be a Barbie movie with her. That's right.

Speaker 2 And I was so excited about that. I mean, obviously, the Marco Robbie one is incredible, and

Speaker 2 congratulations to all their success on that. But

Speaker 2 I will always be

Speaker 2 curious what her version would have been.

Speaker 1 Sequel.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just her sensibility and her approach and the irony of playing that sort of iconic, you know, glam part would have been pretty cool and smart, I'll bet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 Never say never.

Speaker 1 Never say never.

Speaker 2 I'm sure there'll probably be at least two or three more Barbies. Yeah, for sure.
She should get in there.

Speaker 1 She should be on the Barbies. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Any parts that you guys decided not to do that other people didn't that you're like, oh, I could have done that or that people might not know that you passed up?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, the famous one that you guys know that I always bring up, which is,

Speaker 1 you know, it's not that big of a role, but it was Madagascar, the giraffe in Madagascar. You were going to, you were doing it.
An iconic role. I passed.
I know.

Speaker 2 Who ended up doing that voice?

Speaker 1 David Schwummer did a wonderful job at playing that.

Speaker 2 Did you just not see a way into that character?

Speaker 1 Is that what you're doing? No, it was, I don't know why. I was actually advised to pass because it was, they didn't have a script script or anything.
Who is it? Who did you?

Speaker 1 Uh, my manager at the time was like, Don't do it. I was like, Really? Okay.

Speaker 1 So, um, I didn't do it. And then they made me like five of them or something.
Yeah. Well, did you

Speaker 1 so much money from that? Well, it would have been fun.

Speaker 2 Did your agent?

Speaker 1 Oh, you would have made so much money. Okay, fine.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Did your agent pass on it for you, or did you call the director personally and just say, Yeah, you know what?

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 1 Got it.

Speaker 1 Does that work?

Speaker 1 That's good. Smart.

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