"Amy Schumer"

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like to say before we get into the pattern? Get it out now, forever hold your peace. Sean, anything? No, I'm good.

Get your pod on.

Let's pop the shit out of this.

Here we go.

Welcome to Smart List. So, Sean was asking me before we came on, I decided to save it for...
For the PCAST. Yeah, I was at the Emmys recently to present an award and didn't do the red carpet sort of sitting in the audience thing, just kind of drove there myself and went through the back door, presented, and then left right after that.
So I said to Franny, Tracy, this is my 17-year-old daughter. I said, I'm just going to go in and out there.
Do you want to come with me and kind of see what it will be? She's like, sure. So we drove down there together and we i said and then we were in the green room and then they said take olympic um i think it was part of the route um and then uh and then while we were i said come with me to the to the wings there because they said it's time to present and i said uh franny come walk with me right to the edge of the stage so you can see how it all works she walked in and the stage manager said to her said uh hey you want to walk the award out there yeah and and And she's like, what do you mean? She's like, well, you know, instead of the awards gal walking it out there, the trophy gal, do you want to walk the award out there? And she's like, sure.
So Franny ended up walking out on stage with the award in her hand and handed it to the winner there. And stole the show.
Because she looked gorgeous. Well,'t steal the show.
But it was very cool that we were on stage together at the Emmy. Like, when's that ever going to happen? I know, that's really cool.
We were with your wife, Amanda. Yes, that is her name.
And Sean and I were there with Scotty and some friends. And Amanda and I, I think I can say it amanda and i are dating now wait hang on

yeah we can say that yeah you can say you don't know but we said i'd love it if you said it to me first privately you walked out you walked out with and then and you were there with franny we're like oh my god it's franny and we were like rewinding to see like we kept sort of rewinding the camera didn't catch her too great but i we looked at her great it was so sweet. We looked at it into the crowd, and there's Kimmel and Molly sitting right on the aisle.
You could see the shot. They were like, oh, my God, that's Franny.
They, like, pulled out their iPhones and took some pictures. Isn't that sweet? But it was wild.
Right when you walked out to present, I looked over to your other beautiful, gorgeous, amazing daughter, Maple. And I looked at her, and she was, like, staring at the screen with a big smile on her face.
She didn't have to say anything. I was like, what's going on in her head? Like, oh my God, that's my dad.
So cool. So cute.
It was really, really sweet. And I will say, Mape has, I don't know what's happened.
It's almost like since Christmas. And it's not been that long.
Seems so much older now. Yeah.
Like in the last two weeks. I haven't seen her in two weeks before the other night.
We bought her some growth hormone for Christmas. Oh, that's nice.
How do you... It's a cream.
It's a cream. I remember you saying, you were like, we're going to take her to this institute in the Alps.
You guys went to Switzerland. Yeah.
Well, you got to do it outside of the country. It's just...
it's too experimental right now. But yeah, she's really growing.
Four inches since Christmas. No, it's really sweet.
Yeah, she is. I love her.
All right, well, thank you for the family indulgence there. Do you want to get to our guest or do you guys have some fun patter? Can I just ask you a quick quest? Yeah, Capricorn, does that do it? Yun.
Well, it's part of it. Do Capricorns wear their headphones over their hoodie? Because that's what I want to know.
What is the deal? Chili in the house here. Hold on.
It's right. Oh, it's Jason.
Oh, look at that. Jason just took off his hoodie.
By the way, Jason, your hair. So I will say this.
The other thing I loved about it, and I said it at the time when we were all watching. And, Sean, you can back me up.
You came out. You presented bit you referenced the photo it was the perfect i was like that's how you present you were the absolute example honestly it was so good it was tight it was great you look great with the long hair i think i told you that lewis who had saw you that i lose like out of the other day says to me unsolicited jason's hair looks amazing i was like okay, okay, man.
Yeah, Louis put his hands on me earlier. Old Louis K.
Yeah, I mean, like, come on, man. But you came out, you looked great, and then you just did your bit.
It was funny, and then you, I don't know, there was something really classy and simple about it. I know, I loved that.
It was, it was great. You didn't try too hard.
Not just because you're my friend. This is one of the best parts, though.
One of our friends that we all know that I was sitting next to, they start playing the theme to the Will and Grace program, and she leans over to me and she goes, what song is this? She's a funny one. She should go into comedy.
It's the theme to my show that I was on. Yeah, yeah.
Listen to her. Her name rhymes with Bennifer Ganiston.

But we're not going to tell you. They're not going to.

We're not going to.

We're not going to.

She goes, what song is that?

I go, that's from my show.

Yeah.

And she was like, you're an actor?

I remember hearing her just faint naked and say, you're an actor.

I love how Franny and Maple have grown up with Jen since they were little kids.

They thought that she just sold, that she was a water salesman

and a shampoo salesman

until about five or six years ago.

They just didn't know.

Remember Nash came over before Christmas

and he thought that Jen's house

was a really nice restaurant.

How do we always have this restaurant rented out? He's like, I like that a table it's not a restaurant but guys today i've got for you a big brain i know you like it when we have folks on the show that can fill us in on you know all the things we have trouble figuring out people that can make us smarter right after all it's called smartless well we have a long way to go on that we don't know anything now they might not be our most entertaining guests or the funniest, but they are important to hear. And sometimes you just have to take in the medicine.
So today we've got just that person. So settle in.
All right. So she's been studying human beings and society in general for decades.
She's been sharing her findings with audiences all over the world. She delivers her lectures live or on podcasts or television and books.
Often her lectures cover issues ranging from equality, religion, politics, relationships, and even procreation. For her work, she has been recognized with numerous awards and admiration, including a Peabody Award.
Lately, she has shocked the world, tried her hand in the entertainment world too. She's found herself on the receiving end of one nomination from the

Golden Globes, two from the Grammys,

one from the Tonys, 13

Emmy nominations and ended up winning

one of those. She has also

hosted the Oscars. Guys,

it's the girl with the lower back tattoo.

It's America's own Amy Schumer.

Guys!

I thought it was some

academic stiff. Hi! Hi, Amy.
Hi, guys. See you guys.
See you guys. Hi, Amy.
I could just feel you seething going, oh, fucking Bateman's got himself another academic guy. I got to say.
He looks so sad. He does.
That's his resting sad face. Can I just say I'm a little disappointed, Amy, because you were going to be my guest a long time ago.

Yeah.

Yeah, I beat you.

And then Bateman stole you from out under.

That's it.

It often happens on the show.

I actually just texted our producer the other day a couple of names,

and he's like, in process.

And I was like, oh, okay.

Somebody else got to eat.

Can I just say this is my first, actual first time that two men have ever fought over me, and I just want to relish it for just a second. I'll fight over you.
Really? Yeah. Okay.
Two and a half. I'm a half.
Amy, I'm such a huge fan. I've never met you before.
I've always felt like, God, I just love you. I just love you.
I've never met you. What is your problem? What's your problem?

I can hear all of you.

I'm walking in tight enough.

I'm thrilled to be here to promote my lectures.

My lectures.

Oh, I thought you were going right into a plug for your new project.

Oh, my gosh.

No, I'm done.

Did I tell you?

I just left the business, so.

No kidding.

We're making news.

This is it.

Yeah.

What are you going to do? I'm just going to be like a fit model, I guess. You might as well.
Hello? You. No, no, we're still here.
Oh, okay. Explain that incredibly gorgeous background you've got there.
Now, look at that. This is my first.
Is that a house? This is honestly my first time anybody's ever, like, seen the back of my thing. You would think.
Can I say that better? You got another chance to say that. Okay, okay.
Go ahead. Still rolling.
I haven't podcasted from this room ever. Oh, God.
So this is my first exposure, and I didn't think it through. And this is my office.
This is my office. That looks real tasteful.
Yeah. It's not good.
It's not good. No, it's good.
Is it a home office? Are we talking to you from a home office? Yes. This is my home office, according to my taxes.
Sorry. I don't want to get you in trouble with the IRS.
What, no? That's not my goal. Yeah, no.
This is my little home office. It's not big, but it's mine.
And as you can see, I started color coding my books and then I stopped. It's exhausting.
My book. I'm sorry.
My book. Sean color coded his books, right? And it took like better part of 15 seconds.
Yeah. Well, it's not worse than my book.
They're all children's books. Well, audio books are, you know, they're tough.
But a lot of people have home offices. Do you actually sit there and work from your home office? I haven't much.
That's why. I mean, this is truly my first podcast from here.
How's it feel? So I feel exposed. I feel humiliated.
I just am realizing I left this door open and you can see a sad pile of stuffed animals. No, I can see your tasteful windows and couch and rugs and like...
I will say that, Amy, that pile of stuffed animals, it does look like it's from a horror film. I will just say.
If you saw these things up close, you would really question the rest of this interview. It's really, really terrifying.
Should I grab them? I mean, and I wanted to say, of all regrets, which is, of course, doing this podcast at all, but mostly not wearing a bra. Okay.
And I'm going to just kind of... Time with me.
I've got one on. Okay, good.
Now, Amy, what about working from home? What does work look like for you? And I'm not being shitty. How does a stand-up,

or, well, you're beyond that.

You're more than that.

But when you're doing stand-up work,

this is the part that interests me,

you're not just walking around town

with a little pad of paper

and, like, jotting down shit

you think might be funny, right?

It's harder than that.

You're sitting down,

you're trying to craft actual, you know,

word sequencing on a joke set up. But, like, does that happen in an office for you staring at a wall or is it more collaborative? I don't do, I don't, I don't really write.
I think I used to write. I now just will say something, you know, to a friend or my husband or my son.
I'll go, is that funny? And then I write it down. And then I, yeah, I don't, I've never had the discipline to sit and write.
I sit and write scripts in bed. Like I sit up in bed and I mostly write in bed.
I don't know what I'm doing in here. I don't feel comfortable in here.
And thank you for pointing that out. But you're not- When you say in here, do you mean this planet or are you talking about your audience? But when you're up on stage, you're not riffing off of bullet points, are you? No, no, that's from like, you know, I'll have a premise and I'll kind of just say the premise on stage at the Comedy Cellar or something and then just work it out and, you know, yeah.
So let me ask you about the Comedy Cellar and all that kind of stuff. So for you now, you're an established comedy star, but you'd still have to do you still go and you work stuff out i mean just talk to tell you know tracy what that what that process is like for you tracy is sean's sister tracy morgan tracy morgan okay he was a listener because he's not doing that but what do you um what is that like for you so you're talking to your husband your friends or whatever and then you end up having some material you're like all all right, I've got like a bunch of stuff.
Yeah. And then you go, what? You're like, it's a Thursday night, like tonight.
And you go like, I'm going to put the kids to bed and I'm going to go to the comedy cellar at 10 o'clock and just show up. I only have one kid, but you're like one of my best friends.
One kid, sorry. So you know that.
I know. I mean, I say kids because I'm trying to shame you.
Do you, because I know you've been trying. Do you – Actually, yeah.
No, but totally have, which makes it real – and that's what makes it funnier. But do you think – Wait, actually, wait.
Can I show you something? Because Jason asked me one time very rudely about – because I actually had my uterus removed. Is that true? And he was like, did you save it? And I was like, I actually did save it.
I like had it bronzed, you know, because of how difficult my pregnancy was.

And I can't believe I didn't even think of this, but I get the chance to show this to you.

No way.

It's pretty good.

Don't look at this not my son wipes on my pants when I get up.

Okay.

This is my uterus.

Is that really it?

Oh, my God.

This is my uterus.

Oh, my God.

Can you hold it closer to the camera?

That's crazy.

Wow.

Okay.

So I take my joke back. I take my joke back because I had, I literally had zero idea.
No, it's fine. It's fine.
Time's up. Honestly, time's up for you.
But, yeah. Check your email, Will.
Yeah. You're done.
How are you tweeting? I didn't even see you leave the screen. How are you? I do apologize.
I had zero idea, obviously. It's all good.
What I want to know is, so you write down your joke ideas. It's a Thursday night.
You put your son to bed. And then you go, honey, I'm going to go to the Comedy Central at 10 p.m.
I'm just going to walk over there. Or you show up.
How does that work? Like, how do you go and just work stuff out? So I would usually, I really haven't been, I've been doing other stuff. would i would yeah i would say like i would actually say i'm gonna do a like surprise show at the cellar and i would go and do like you know however much time i have 45 minutes or something and just try new stuff and it's like i do like day shows so the audience doesn't feel too bad it's like 4 p.m they pay like five that's a great idea yeah that's a great idea and it's like kind of Just like, I'm like day shows, so the audience doesn't feel too bad.
It's like 4 p.m. They pay like five bucks.
That's a great idea. Yeah.
That's a great idea. And it's like kind of just, just like I'm like seriously.
You know, you hear about comedians like Joan Rivers or Rickles, and they would be doing like some casino show at like 11 a.m. And you're like, what? And now that's like me.
Yeah, that's like my dream is just to get home. Yeah, that's perfect.
Get home. Because everybody wants to be, yeah.
This seems stupid, but like you call them in advance and go, hey, it's Amy Schumer. I'm showing up at 4 p.m.
and I'm going to do an hour. Or no, you just show up.
Well, no, I just like text Liz, the manager, Esty, the booker. And I say, is today a good day for me to come and do? And they would write like secret girl show and Liz would post a picture of her pug.
And that really means it's me. And some people know that.
So like, you know, 60 people would come at, you know, 4 p.m. on a Tuesday.
I'd be right there. I can't imagine.
Lunchtime comedy. Look out for that pug.
Yeah, but that's how you know. And then I work it out and I, you know, I take out the stuff that's bombing like everything on this podcast so far.
No. No, it's fine.
It's fine. What about, what about.
I'm just vulnerable. You just shut the fuck up.

Excuse me.

Will, your son, Will mentioned your son.

It reminded me of, okay, so guys.

I have a daughter.

No, her son's name is Gene.

Oh, come on.

And she named his middle name Attell, right?

After Dave Attell.

And then she realized, well, say the first and middle name, Attell, right? After Dave Attell. And then she realized, say the first and middle name quickly together.
Sean, go ahead. Jean Attell.
Yeah. Jean Attell.
So she changed it because she thought it might sound like genital. See, Sean didn't put it together like me as a new mom until it was a month in.
And then I realized, and my husband's last name was Fisher, so I named him Genital Fisher. Genital Fisher.
Like not to be funny. So she did a little switcheroo on that.
We had the same thing with Maple. Maple Sylvie Bateman and one of her friend's older sisters said, wait, maple syrup bacon? And we're like, oh shit, we got to go downtown and we got to change that.
Is that the same as naming your kid after, like, cock and balls? Yeah. What about Amy? What about his middle name, Natay? That would have been perfect.
That would be fun. We changed it to David.
We played it safe. He sounds like a lawyer.
Smart. Yeah.
All right. Now, Amy.
Yes. What was your first introduction to stand-up? Why did you get started in that world? Is mom or dad funny? Did they take you to comedy shops? Like, why that? What happened? Actually, we did watch a lot of comedy.
Yeah. I grew up watching you.
Just kidding. Don't you hate when people say that? No, like your age I just remember being like one years old watching you in your prime I loved Gilda and Lucy and Whoopi Goldberg and Comic Relief and SNL which wasn't branded SNL but, but, you know.
And then I did plays. And, yeah, my parents were both really funny.
But then I did improv after college. Were your parents in entertainment? No.
My mom's a speech and hearing therapist for the deaf, and my dad sold baby furniture. Wow.
Uh-huh. Really? Yeah, yeah.
Did he make the baby furniture no he just he they imported it from europe from italy so parents who wanted fancy baby furniture for the furniture not the babies yeah we did not import the babies yeah and we will be right back do you own a business that's ready to thrive? It's time to let Intuit QuickBooks take things like unpaid invoices and tracking expenses off your plate to take things to the next level. Intuit QuickBooks is an all-in-one business platform that can help with day-to-day tasks like invoicing and expenses.

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And now back to the show. What was that first time, Amy, that first time you were on stage? I just, I'm asking just because I've never had the balls to do any sort of stand-up or monologue type of thing.
I mean, I did once with Willie at UCB, but it was, I have a total blackout because I was so nervous, but I can't imagine. He can't even do a toast.
Come on. He can't even do a toast.
Is this true? He can't do a toast. Yeah, I really lock up.
That's so funny. When you're on stage there, the first time you decided to, okay, I'm going to do this set or this series of jokes I think are funny, what was that like and how old were you? I was 23, which means I've been doing 20 years no i'm 42 never mind um and where where were you where was this was it's like at college it was at gotham the old gotham comedy club i had done um and i was like i did one of those improv groups that you like pay to be in like just a straight up hustle from backstage uh you know that paper and uh yeah it was like you know um 50 to like go to a freezing theater and meet like other mentally ill people right and and one of the um women in it was like i'm doing a show gotham you just had to bring four people and and I just thought like, I could, I could maybe do this.
That's how you get up on stage is if you brought four people to pay cover. It's still like that.
Yeah. Really? So it's like amateur night, but you got to have four people to, okay.
Yeah. So you can get, you can actually get in front of real audience.
It's not just like right to open mics because, um, you know, and, and generally a real audience will laugh at some point because they feel bad for you. Did you trust that the stuff that you worked on was working? I mean.
No, I decided that day that I was going to do it. Wow.
And I. So you had no material? No, I wrote out a set.
Like I just came up with like what would, you know. Fuck me.
What was your first joke? joke this is fascinating it was about how skywriting is a stupid way to get engaged because you know it's so sad it's like i i had and i talked about taking the crosstown bus in manhattan and like it was just like you trusted your ability to just kind of riff on stuff and and and that there would be a shared sort of experience with yeah and it went well enough i think this is a lot of comedians experience that your first time you do really well and then the second time you die on stage yeah what if it hadn't gone well do you think you would have said okay screw this and if so where do so, where do you think you would have gone career-wise? What are you drawn to? Oh, my gosh. I was always going to just perform.
Like, I never had a thing. Like, I went to college for theater and had no goals, had no backup.
I waited at tables and bartended for a long time. I get that.
But you can see that, right? Me being, like, a rude waitress. Do you miss theater? I got to do a Broadway show.
Oh, what'd you do? I did a Steve Martin play called Meteor Shower. Oh, yeah.
Oh, look, Sean's awake. Is that what you got the Tony nomination for? Yes.
Yes. Wow.
That's so cool, Amy. Thank you.
I've seen now twice Prayer for the French Republic on Broadway. It's so good.
You guys have to see it. Oh, yeah.
I've heard that's great. Yeah.
I used to wait tables and my one joke was I would bring the food to the – I was a runner. I wasn't a waiter.
I ran the food to the people. Oh, the story's falling apart already.
Anytime I would have the plate. I would have the plate.
You'd just come in hissing, hot shit, hot shit, hot shit. I would come in and right before I put the food down,

somebody would inevitably say, oh, that looks fantastic.

And I'd point to my shirt and I'd go, thanks, I just got it.

Come on.

Yeah, it worked every time.

Oh, my God.

Did you get any repeat customers who were like,

you did that like the last three times. It's the fucking sweatiest joke.
Please fucking stop. I feel like I didn't gush to you, Sean, for how funny and how much I love you.
Oh, that's okay. My joke that I do ad nauseum, like, and I cannot stop myself, is whenever somebody—I'll order a drink, a cocktail, and when the waiter rings it over, I go, who sent this? I do that all the time.
Damn it. Okay, that's like, okay.
I do that. Who didn't drink anything? Who sent this? And I act real, what? Like a bar, restaurant, anywhere.
I do that all the time. Sean also does something that never doesn't work.
He'll grab whatever clutch or purse he sees around and he'll throw it over his shoulder and distractedly kind of look up from rifling through it going guys does anybody need anything from cvs right back or anytime there's a candle he holds it up and then guards the flame and goes guys right this way i think yeah does anybody know where the bathroom is another a favorite one that we do a lot of comics i'm friends with will just like this is probably another bit everyone does but we try to we all act like we're gonna pay the bill we go like no no i got this and then we'll put like a metro card or like just something that makes no sense you know yeah or our favorite this is my favorite bit we would do is we would go maybe you've heard this too i don't know if this is like a bit but it's like comics go like oh my god did you guys see me last night like i was i was amazing have you heard this before yeah i was amazing like i don't know what happened everything was just firing and then one of us would go like uh keith we were there and he goes well they were mostly from out of town they were barked in they didn't know where they were sean did we already talked about this in the podcast sean had this really funny bit where he and his friend went on a trip once and they had to borrow a fan because Sean needs a fan in order to fall asleep because he loves a fan so just grab anybody anybody who's seen Will and Grace or whatever but he just needs a fan no no no sorry I'm kidding but a fan and so he goes he's at this hotel and they bring in a fan they go of course because he's Sean Hayes of Willes of Will & Grace. They love him.
They're big fans. And they put the thing, they give him a fan.
It says for office, do not take out of the office, it says on the fan. So he and his friend, they were on this and they spent the whole night doing bits about the person who comes back to the office.
And the fan's missing. And notices the fan is missing.
Right? It's heaven. So then like a month ago, we were at dinner maybe two months ago, and we started doing and everybody had to do their version of the boss coming back and you had to say, where's my fan? And where's my fan? And the line was, you couldn't change anything.
You could do whatever you want, but you had to say, where's my fan? Yeah, you can come in super happy. You can come in super mad.
Fuck me. We did an hour on it.
Where was this

and where was I? It was fun.

You had already gone home. It was after 7.30pm

so you had already gone to bed.

I don't know where you were, JB.

Because Amanda was there. So you come in.

So Amy, you come in and you do this.

So you come in and you go,

Hey guys, so we're going to start the day

for 4 through 6

has a real big issue with their sheets. We have to change their sheets.
Where's my fan? So fucking. And then Sean and I have started doing this bit where we go, where we go.
Yeah, man. Of course I know where that is.
Hello? Hello? And then you answer yourself. You surprise yourself.
Oh, why is it so fun? We're dumb. We're very dumb.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank and you surprise yourself.

Oh, why is it so fun?

We're dumb.

It's so stupid.

We're very dumb.

So dumb.

Speaking of dumb,

what happens when you get

some real dumbass lippy audience member

that wants to just start talking to you

or commenting on your joke

or at worst, you know,

heckling or something like that?

You got any like,

anything ever go really sideways?

It's sort of a Sean Hayes question.

You ever punch anybody from stage?

Get down, walk down into the stands and.

I have never physically assaulted anybody in the audience.

We're not lawyers.

Oh, all right.

It was.

Okay.

Look, it was one time fucking.

Yeah, no, I have like some YouTube videos showing me with hecklers over the years. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's like every comic I think is because they had like a bad, you know, labor childhood experience. Yeah, just trauma, trauma.
So, and you know, I think people get into stand-up because of the control of it they like that it's a one-sided conversation so when it goes wrong you're already you're pretty defensive so i've you're ready and uh and you know the goal is to get like a big laugh and and but some comics you know will take it too far and you just see that they're – and it ruins the show because you just see that they're really sad and angry.

They're too affected by it.

That's the thing you've got to avoid.

I'm guessing, right?

You can't – don't make the audience tight or tense or –

The best thing I have seen is just to diffuse it, honestly.

Like I think that's the pro move. They go like, you suck.
You go like, thanks, dad. Or, you know, like whatever.
Just try to keep the show moving. Because it's like, you know, it's a fun little.
That's the best. I think that's the pro move.
Sean, are you crying? A little bit. Sean, why? When you're not doing it, Aime, do you? I cut everybody's name short.
I love it. I love it.
Yeah. When you're not doing it, do you miss it? Do you crave it? Do you crave going back on when you're not like on tour and not doing it? Yeah, I do.
I really miss it. I mean, it's hard because it's like, you know, within your family, like no one like is interested in your career.
Or your jokes. No.
And so it's like to go on stage, like if I went to the cellar right now, I would go up and I would get a long applause and people would be excited to see me. And I just can't really get used to that because then, you know, you start thinking that they're right.
And like why is it, you know, am I important in my household? And, you know, as you all know, you're not. Yeah.
No, nothing. The last person to give up anything for me is inside my house.
Of course. So it's like, yeah, you know.
Same. Yeah.
It's great, though. It keeps it down.
No, it's him. Well, what about, so you might miss that.
I'm a real hit at home, to be honest. Is that true? I don't see that for you.
He does pretty well. Why not? Why don't you see that for me? No, I don't know.
Let's just keep the conversation moving. Okay.
But I just, but I do say, you know, what's funny is, is I, no, I, I totally hear that in, in, because it's not real and it's outsized for, you know, from your real life, meaning, meaning that we all have our relationships with our family, et cetera our family etc etc and then you go on stage or you interact with fans and that kind of adulation is not is not normal right but I will also say that people you know people say like oh you like people who like you and I go yeah what's wrong with that of course I do what the fuck are you about? Will on Sunday was making me pee my pants. My stomach hurt so bad from laughing.
And I turned to Alessandra, his baby mama, and I turned to Alessandra and I go, God, it never, I'm crying laughing. I go, it just doesn't stop.
And she goes, from 6 a.m. till bedtime.
Yeah. This is while she was cleaning her gun or was she loading it? So while you love the immediate gratification and feedback of a stand-up stage, you know, you're doing way more sort of like on-camera stuff now than you ever were before, almost more so than stand-up work, right? So how are you, are you able to get the same amount of gratification with it just being in front of a crew and hoping that later the editor and the marketing and all that stuff comes like? How do you, what's the gratification of doing the on-camera stuff? Is it equal to it? Is it more? I love the process.
I like, you know, I know. This interview is over.
No, I know, I know. That word's okay.
Okay, I'm allowed to say process? Okay. Don't say storyteller.
Okay, I will not. I will not.
Okay, I will not. Contact the snipers.
If you have a shot, take the shot. Just to be so honored to be part of telling.
We're storytellers. Oh, fucking, that's fucking it.
Take the shot. Take the shot.
No, I love a writer's room. Like, I love collaborating.
I love, like, you know. How do you like directing? You've been doing that too.
Do you like that sort of collaborative process? I love it. I was, you know, I was doing it before I was credited to do it.
So, you know, it's like that's the truth. So, yeah, and I love doing it with like my crew, you know.
Like I always work with Dan Powell, Kevin Kane, and Ryan McFall, and we kind of all do it together. But directing, I love it.
Yeah, as opposed to sort of that solo thing of being on stage. It's a completely different thing, right? But you love it just as much, huh? Yeah, it's isolating.
And then what about the writing process of scripts versus stand-up stuff? So you're in your bed. Like writing Trainwreck, for instance, which, by the way, is one of my favorite movies of all time.
Thank you. You guys did so great.
Judd just crushed that. Yeah.
Did you, was that a fantastic experience or was it a lot more work than you had anticipated? And if so, was it worth it? It was totally fun. Yeah.
And it was completely worth it and amazing. And I was like afraid of becoming famous, but it's been okay.
What do you guys think about it? Do you it. And I also think...
No, I mean being famous. I think you're a great famous person, by the way.
Yeah, I like the way you... No, I do like the way you treat fame.
You're very unprecious about it. You're very humble about it.
You're hilarious about it. You don't take it too seriously, yet you're very serious about what it is you're doing.
You seem to have an incredible work. Well, you're very honest.
Thank you. You're very sort of open and transparent and very honest about how you feel about stuff.
And so you're not held captive by it. Sometimes people can be so nervous about losing it or presenting the right way or whatever.
You seem to be very honest. I, again, don't know you that well.
I didn't even know you had your uterus removed. But I do get this.
That's not my uterus. That's a prop uterus, by the way.
That's not actually a uterus. Okay, okay.
That means a lot. I can't believe I just backed myself into these compliments.
No, but it's true. Sean, did you want to add anything? Sean, I actually had a question about that.
Oh, okay. I had a question about that.
There's not really time for questions, but okay. Sean's been very vocal about that.
He does not like fame on you. Yeah.
Well, you said Sean has famously quoted women aren't funny. You know? Famously.
Yeah. It is.
By the way, he pre-made his gravestone to say that. And yet it made years ago.
It's waiting for him to die. You already sleep under it, which I think was a strange choice.
I'm just trying to get acclimated. To each, you know, that's what they say.
Do you think, Amy, will women ever be funny? No, no. It's Sean's question.
It's Sean's question. Okay, Sean, thank you for that question.
I just texted Will that question. No, Amy, my question was about that, though.
I was just starting to write down a question about how open you are, about being being body positive you seem to always be on the right side of every issue at least i'm i follow you on instagram and i'm like yes yes like every time and thank you for your support yes about anytime you post something about an opinion or i i agree with it and it's i love your voice basically so when did you ever were you ever not like that and was there a defining moment when you're like you know what i gotta get out of my shell and start you know life is bigger than just me and my career my family i have to actually start expressing myself about bigger issues that uh include everybody was there something that pushed you that way or was there like wait a minute i gotta get off the couch and do something? No, I'm on the couch, as you know. Like that's for me.
I'm in the bed. But no, I was always like this.
I was always open in my yap. Really? And couldn't really.
Yeah, I didn't know what it meant to be a feminist like Will. Thank you.
It just means like thinking of women equally. Finally.
But at some point you didn't care what people, was there a shift? No, everyone always, I care what people think. It's like, what kind of an actual sociopath doesn't care? Right, well, that's kind of my point.
It's not that you don't care what people think. It's that you're willing to risk saying what you believe in and be honest and no matter what people think.
And of course, as human beings, we all take that shit on. And I don't care who you are.
You can read a comment. You can read a review.
You can read a thing. And it'll hurt your feelings because we are human beings.
But the ability to continue to be honest and true to your what you believe, I think, is very admirable.

Thank you.

Considering that it's much more you're in a high-profile position.

So there you go.

Well, thank you.

Sean doesn't say fuck all.

I wish he would.

No, it's true.

But he doesn't take a position on fucking anything.

You know what Sean's big causes?

You know what he made a big position last year?

He said that a G550 was way better than a G5.

Yeah, that was you.

Right.

That was you.

Oh, that was me.

No, I think that was a good sword to fall on, Sean.

That was brave.

That was brave.

We'll be right back.

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Was your, is your cousin Chuck Schumer helpful? My son. Your Chuck Schumer.
No shit. That's your son.
Yeah. The great senator, Chuck Schumer.
Fuck, I got a Wikipedia you. My baby boy.
I've got to Google you right now. Is he helpful at all in sort of navigating that place of like, you know, you can care what people think, but it's okay to bake in the fact that some people are not going to like what you think.
And that shouldn't prevent you from, you know, in his case, enacting legislation that serves, you know, a lot more than some. We've never talked about it, actually.
No? He very much is with me, like, you know, calls on, like, Gene's birthday and whatever., you know, things over the years, but we've never talked about the hate that comes with it. I think the way he feels, I'm just projecting, is how I feel where it feels like more of an opportunity to like help than like, you know, the responsibility to use my voice.
Yeah, utilizing the platform. It is like, I would be so tempted it's like will you're you you know buddies with shanahan you know runs the toronto maple leaves i don't know how you're able to avoid calling him every day with an idea for a new player like i would be calling senator chuck schumer every day with an idea for how we can make this world better you You know, they'd be dumb ideas because I'm not bright,

but I would just like, I got a bat line to somebody who's...

I tell him about the maple leaves, actually.

I call him.

You do?

That's the advice I give him.

You've got ideas about Bolton.

Oh, my God.

I can't even stand up.

I can't stand up right now.

Did you just ejaculate without nearing you?

Is it apparent?

Wait, is it true that his name is Chuck? It was never Charles. He was born, it's just Chuck Schumer? No, his name is Charles.
Okay. I'm going to cross that off.
Yeah, his name is Charles. What websites are you on? Yeah, wait a minute.
Did you just... Well, during the plandemic, I...
Fuck, sorry, guys. Oh, wow.
He used to play stickball with my dad. Like, he's just like a sweet, like, Brooklyn dude.
Is that true yeah so what what is that is your whole family very sort of uh involved i mean obviously he's but is your whole family very much involved in i don't know in paul or have they always been involved in politics or was he an outlier yeah he's the only one um my family uh but it's cool i did that show finding your roots Did Roots. Did you guys ever do that? Haven't yet.
I did Who Do You Think You Are, which is both the same thing. I found out my family, like, you know, when they came, they were, like, early garment workers on the Lower East Side and, like, were forming workers, you know, unions and that kind of stuff.
So that, you know, they were like in that way political, but, but no, nobody, nobody else is like, you know, sort of in, in office. How far back did, did your, did your, did your research go? Where did they? It went 1500s.
I guess that's not, is that that long? I mean, for Europe, they're like, oh, great. But, you know, for us, it's like, wow.
Anything super interesting or stuff you didn't want to hear? Where were they? Like, where did they go back to? We were in what would now be considered Ukraine. Visnitz is the town for the Jewish side and then the other side was London came over settled pretty early in Massachusetts my that side of my family back then they were a couple of them were stolen and brought into slavery with these this sounds like so problematic but this is really what happened.
They were stolen and brought into slavery up in Canada for a couple of these different tribes. Wow.
Yeah. Are you part of the Arnett tribe? Yeah.
Yeah, no, this is really true. And then, so like 30 years later, my family made enough to like go and try and rescue them.
Wow. And when they got up there – this is so – I'm serious.
This is fucking great. When they got up there to rescue his two brothers and his sister who had been stolen and sold into slavery, they were running the tribe.
They didn't want to leave because now they were in charge of the tribe. They became Colonel Kurtz.
Yeah. Yeah.
So that's kind of wild. That is fucking crazy.
No way. Isn't that wild? So did they stay in Canada running the tribe or whatever? Yeah.
And I reached out after that show and I reached out and I'm in touch with, you know, some distant cousins now. Oh, that's wild.
Because of that show. Yeah.
And then I do have a- You're like, fucking never call here again, eh? Fucking A. We're good.
I mean, seriously, like, wasn't that Danny McBride's thing in some movie? Like, that's really what happened with my family, which, you know, I do come from a long line of people who are you know fighters and you know just you know my i have like holocaust survivors in my family so wow unbelievable sean what about your family what you when i did my i did lisa kudrow um produces a show called who do you think you are and so i did it and i I did it and I had to go to Ireland and learn about

all my Irish ancestors and for the most part

they were all drunk, disorderly

and in jail. Really?

Yeah. It was pretty wild.
Wait, so you're saying your whole family

they were all in jail and they were all what?

Like drunk and disorderly and got arrested

over and over again. They were drinking in Ireland?

Yeah.

That's fun. Did you get to read any

of the charges? Like were there specific

charges in the paper? Yeah. There was one in the paper

in like the middle like middle 1800s or late 1800s and there's a little article in the paper that um he had some my great great grandfather grandfather great great great grandfather i remember had some like sarcastic quip to the courtroom like i don't remember what it was but it was funny oh and you know what i wanted to say and uh yeah just to piggyback off that um my grandma my great grandma was she just died a couple years ago she was a bootlegger and her liquor store is still on 54th street schumer's liquors no way yeah yeah yeah that, so, but she, I mean, it's crazy. She sold, Tennessee Williams was a regular customer.
I hate to do this, but I love to do this too. Do you have any funny theater stories from Meteor Shower? Oh my God.
Like anything that went wrong or just like, oh my God, one night this horrible thing. Okay, this lets you know about my behavior a little bit.
Yeah. You film one of the nights of the broadway show for the performing arts library up in lincoln center yes and so the night they were filming us uh i i had like a you know a speed like a monologue in the middle of the show and someone in the front row took out as they sell in most broadway shows, peanut M&Ms.
And they're sitting, you know, five feet away from me, and they open up the M&Ms, and they start eating them. And I'm trying to get through my mouth.
You know, you're like saying the words, but you're – and then finally I just like looked at them, and I was like, peanut M&Ms, like right now. Wow.
Did they just freeze chewing? It was this young guy and he gave me a look like, like you're right. You know, like this wasn't a good, this wasn't good timing.
We just, you know, carried on. It wasn't a very serious play.
That's really funny. I had the same thing, Amy.
I was doing a one man show called An Act of God where I was playing God, long story. But anyway, in the front row, swear to God, same thing.
Peanut M&Ms? Yep. And I looked at him because in my head I was like, I can't keep going.
And watch this guy. So I just said, you know, I stopped and I looked at him and I said, you know, this isn't a movie.
No, but they really don't. They really don't know that.
This is a live show, and there's the fourth wall that is not there. Well, seeing Prayer for the French Republic, it's like this amazing play.
Yeah. And, you know, a lot of the audience for Broadway shows are, you know, 90 and above.
And you can hear the play, but you can also hear it through the hearing aids. Right.
And they go, it's not working, you know, so Broadway.

What about hosting the Oscars?

Anything that we didn't see that went no good?

I think you saw it.

I think you saw the sort of headline on that night.

I apologize.

I'm not remembering anything specific.

Are you referencing something?

Oh, okay. I just saw the sort of headline on that night.
Well, I apologize. I'm not remembering anything specific.

Are you referencing something I should know?

Oh, okay.

There was like a little bit of a disagreement between –

have you heard of Will Smith?

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes.

Okay, he's an actor.

Yes.

Yeah, and so he got into like a little thing with another comedian.

I can't remember his name. Yeah, I remember us all being really knocked out by that.
No pun intended. Yeah, yeah.
Can I just say, this is kind of out there, but I'm just going to say it. I was surprised.
Yeah, I think everyone except one was. Fuck, I can't believe you went out on that limb.
No, I don't want to be like, you know, this will be the pull quote, but I was taken aback. Fuck.
Dude, you and your controversial positions, it never stops. I'll say it.
Was it a fun experience aside from that, or was the whole thing just kind of drowned out by it? No, it was totally fun. It was totally fun.
It was like, I just wanted to do it, you know, and doing it with Regina and Wanda was so fun. Like I love preparing jokes when somebody else is going to host something.
I love helping them with jokes and putting on a show, you know. It felt like we were putting on a show and it was so fun.
And I got to fly. I was like I want to go up on flies and I did like a very stupid thing.
But, you know, I feel like we did a really good job, honestly.

Like I think if that hadn't happened, thanks.

I think, you know, I think a takeaway would have been that we did a good job.

Yeah, I hope they do that again.

You know, have they done three before?

No, but.

I don't think so, right?

Yeah, but, you know, when it's women, they paid us all together the same as one man no uh no i'm just kidding no i but what do you get for hosting that like who knows you're gonna have to tell us um uh you should do it again would you you would never do that pretty um i don't know i don't i did i mean like earlier we were saying i just don't know if I would be able to survive that I'm just not great in front of a live audience being myself Really? Don't you guys do this show in front of live audiences? No, this is just us No, you have Yeah, well it wasn't comfortable I mean I had a good time but that's very nerve wracking yeah well and when you asked me to do the show i the timing just didn't work out with the road but i was so honored you guys are all the funniest people ever everyone i know loves this no they all love the show i know nobody likes compliments but i love the show they love the i saw you at our mutual friend jane's house yes uh and sweet. Sweet, sweet Jane.
And I, we talked about it and then I inquired and then it didn't work out timing-wise and then I see you pop up today and it's taken me most of this show to recover from that. It's the equivalent of being slapped in the face with an empty glove.
Is it? Yeah. Wow.
An empty glove. Yeah.
You know you know what i mean and i always i know i have very sort of old-fashioned you know images but but anyway i'm now over it and i'm just glad you're here very royal metaphors i am i'm well i'm very regal you didn't ask me about my my lineage and i didn't want to do it because i don't want to sit here and fucking make everybody feel bad. Oh my God.
Are you okay? Canadian royalty. No, what's going on? Are you descended from somebody? Wow.
Maybe. Yeah, maybe.
Wayne Gretzky? Wayne Gretzky. Amy, all the accomplishments I wish.
all the accomplishments you've had and everything that you've succeeded in all of these years, is there something you haven't reached yet?

Is there something you'd like to bury right now

from your high position?

My uterus.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I'm sorry, I'm having fun.

I swear to you that it never offended me for one second,

but the idea that you think that maybe it offended me

is like, you know, it makes me feel good.

Well, I don't, you know, we play around,

but you never ever really want to, actually hurts anybody's feelings. I can really barely manage having one, and I cannot imagine if it had worked out to have another one.
And I don't miss my uterus, and I still have my ovaries, so I'm not in menopause. Okay.
Yeah. Huh.
Well, hang on. There go my next five minutes.
I'm tapped out. I'm tapped.
Speaking of tapped out, we are past the one hour mark and that's our commitment to you, our guest. You only have to give us an hour and we love you and already miss you.
Amy? Yes. Am I canceled? Am I canceled after this podcast? No.
Again? Did you get canceled once before? Many times. I've been canceled many times.
Truly? Of course. You've said some controversial things? I don't even think.
When was the first time we met, Amy? Do you remember? The very first time? Yeah. Was it at James? This is where feelings get hurt.
Oh, no. We met at Kimmel's.
No. And that's why I'm asking you this.
Because we'd met before. And at Kimmel's, this is why I'm burning you, because you burned me back then.
We had met before, and you and I were talking to Conan, and I said, hey, blah, blah, blah, nice. And you go, we fucking met like six months ago.
And I go, sorry, blah, blah, blah, blah. What a bitch.
I hate when people do that. And now you think that that was the first time you met.
I did not. No, did I really do that? I hate when people do that.
You weren't shitty. You weren't shitty.
We were laughing. You and I met first time we met at, was it Kimmel's? I think it was Kimmel's.
Yeah. It was that same time.
It was that same time at Kimmel's. Amy, do you remember the first time we met? Today.
It was today. It was today on this pod.
Okay. I know we're wrapping up, but really, can you just tell me? I don't, I really think.
Oh, no, we laugh. Now we both don't remember the actual first time.
Maybe I was just messing with you. Maybe you were.
It's okay. First time Will and I met, I don't remember.
That's true. I told him one day after I'd stopped drinking for a while.
Or no, it was after you had stopped drinking. Will stopped drinking before me.
I think I something until like boy our timing's terrible i would have loved to just get slammed with you you know it would be great if we partied together and he said oh no we have we did we had we had like eight year five six seven eight years before we had gone out one night and i i went ahead and got a little over-served. Oh, my gosh.
And just didn't. Oh, you know who I, I have to say this before I forget, is that I work with someone that you both work with.
Uh-oh. Do you remember? Michael Cera.
Michael Cera, that's right. Yes.
And we have our second season of our TV show, Life and Beth, on Hulu. Yes.
On Hulu. On Hulu.
With

Michael Cera that you can watch right now.

Just go to Hulu and watch

it. And watch it.
Like, what's your problem

that you're not watching it? Michael Cera.

Well, we're gonna, let's do a watch party. A little lover.

Love that Michael Cera. He's a little lover.

Amy Schumer,

so funny, so talented. You're

the greatest. Yeah, you're great.
Oh, God.

In your handsome house back there. Yeah.
God. Wait, I just want to show you the stuffed animal before it's over.
Okay. I want to see the haunted toys.
This is my real stuffed animal. This is my real stuffed animal.
Oh, my God. Oh, listener.
This is like a stuffed panda bear that looks like it got dragged behind a pickup truck. That is the scariest.
It's not even a panda. It's not a joke.
Like, this is my actual stuffed animal from growing up. Does it look like that because when you're angry, that's where you take it out? Did your parents hate you? This was my mom's when she was a little girl.
Yeah. And did she have claws? It's like 100 years.
It's like filled with straw. I don't know.
All my stuffed animals. I liked like old antique stuffed animals.
I don't know. It's something that's up.
It's like show me on the doll where he touched you and it's just like everywhere. Feathers everywhere.
Oh my God. Amy, love you.
Love you. Love you, Amy.
See you soon, I think. I hope.
Amy Schumer. The one, the only.
The only. Okay.
All right. And also, go on Blue Apron and get an apron, right? Wait, no, that's not what they sell at Blue Apron.
Yeah, get, if you want an apron, make it blue. Get the blue one.
Strap it on and cook. Don't strap anything on.
Nobody's, we're not, we're not. All right, bye.
Bye, thank you, thank you, thank you. That's Amy Schumer, everybody.
That's Amy Schumer, everybody. Wow, I've always, I've always wanted to meet her in there.
She's the greatest. I mean, you just sit down and start talking to her like you've known her for 45 years.
Yeah. I've always been a fan of hers ever since she came on.
I remember her, first time I think I saw her was on Ellen, the Ellen DeGeneres show. And she just was naturally funny, would tell stories.
And everybody was dying laughing, like, who is this girl? How does she have the confidence? She's really smart. She's smart and confident.
Yeah, and the balls to just kind of say whatever she thinks and feels. And, you know, there was a, this is known, this is public, she was going to be Barbie.
There was going to be a version, they were going to have a Barbie movie with her. That's right.
And I was so excited about that. I mean, obviously, the Margot Robbie one is incredible, and, you know, congratulations to all their success on that but i'm i will i will always be uh curious what her version would have been sequel yeah just her sensibility and her approach and the the irony of playing that sort of iconic you know glam part uh would have been pretty cool and smart i'll bet yeah um anyway well you know never, never say never.
Never say never. What could have been, you know? I'm sure there'll probably be at least two or three more Barbies, you know? Yeah, for sure.
She should get in there. She should be one of the Barbies.
Yeah. Any parts that you guys decided not to do that other people did and that you're like, oh, I could have done that or that people might not know that you passed up? Yeah, I mean, the famous one that you guys know that I always bring up, which is, you know, it's not that big of a role, but it was Madagascar, the giraffe in Madagascar.
You were going to do an iconic role. I passed.
Wait, who ended up doing that voice? David Schwimmer did a wonderful job of playing that. Did you just not see a way into character is that no it was i don't know why i was actually advised to pass because it was um they didn't have a script or anything who advised you uh my manager at the time was like don't do it i was like really okay so um i didn't do it and then they made me like five of them or something yeah well did you make so much money from that well it would have been fun did your agent uh Oh, you would have made so much money.
Oh, something. Yeah.
Well, did you... You would have made so much money from that.
Well, it would have been fun.

Did your agent...

You would have made so much money.

Okay, fine.

Yeah.

Did your agent pass on it for you or did you call the director personally and just say,

yeah, you know what?

Bye.

God.

Bye.

Does that work?

That's good.

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