"Santa"

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Subject to change. Smart.
Less. Guys, what a day, huh? Listen, let me be the first to wish you Happy Christmas Eve morn.
Yeah, Happy Christmas Eve morn to you guys too. What are you guys going to do tonight? You know what we're going to do? We're all going to see each other, I think.
Yeah, uh-huh. Happy Christmas Eve.
Now, I'm thinking about... I'm not going to see you guys tonight because I'm not with you guys right now.
Oh, well, that's okay. We'll just zoom you in.
But we're going to zoom in. Let's make this a little, our little family tradish.
That no matter what, we do a little Zoom sees with our fans and stuff. Yeah, I would love that.
I would love that. Let's do it.
Do you guys have an ugly Christmas sweater? I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party once, and I went on Etsy and bought one for like freaking $300. It like plugs into a battery pack and everything.

It's got lights and stuff on it.

Really?

Yeah, I might dust that thing off and break it out.

I'm not a big fan of the ugly Christmas sweater thing.

But I will say this.

I do own one that somebody had made for me.

That's just a sweater.

And it says, Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself.

But like in nice Christmassy letters, I swear to God. it's really cute.
Speaking of sweaters, by the way, it's Christmas Eve. It is Christmas Eve, and I do want to say this.
My mom has been asking me a lot about the sweaters that she knitted for both you guys. She knitted me a real fetching vest.
Yes, and she wants photos. Will you guys do me a favor? We'll make her Christmas morning.
If I can, tomorrow morning, show her a picture from each of you just wearing this sweater. Do you think I'm going to give your mother a picture of me in a sweater vest so she can go off and do her mad posting like she's so known for? Who's she posting? I get to a social media profile on her.
She's not posting anywhere. Crazy.
She wants to see. She spent weeks knitting those sweaters for you guys.
I'll totally do that. Wait, do you guys open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Christmas.
We'll do one on Christmas Eve. Really? Just to release the valve a little bit? A little bit for the kids, yeah.
Yeah, we don't do that. But we'll do Christmas morning.
And it's just a matter of tomorrow morning it's going to be, especially the littles, keeping them from just... We just want to be able to get past 8.30 in 30 in the morning you know without all the gifts unwrapped and like well now what do we do i know like just stretch it out a little bit yeah no and watch tv it's just another day it ends up being just another day just another day to watch tv it's like when sean every time sean buys a new house it's just another place to watch tv it is really true i mean if if any any any link i've ever seen of any piece of real estate it's always like where's the tv room yeah i know that's it well where would i be watching it's like when we're on tour remember every time we go to into any hotel jason would find the couch that was perpendicular to the tv you have the remote and he's like this is my spot uh-huh um well you know On Christmas, you can do whatever you want.
And Christmas is such a magical time of the year. And I feel really blessed that we got our guests who we got today.
And that we do have somebody here who knows a thing or two about Christmas. This is somebody who lives way up north.
And the northernmost part of this is the North Pole. We are so lucky.
Without further ado, you guys, it's Santa Claus. What? Wait, what? We're talking to Santa Claus.
Is that the real Santa Claus? Santa? Santa, this is incredible. So you're just resting up before...
He's smoking a butt? I'm smoking. How are you guys? Listen, I don't have a lot of time, right? And he's Persian.
No, I'm not Persian. What are you talking about? St.
Nicholas. I'm Serbian.
I'm Serbian. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking St.
Nicholas is American, English, whatever. Look in the history books.
He's always been Serbian, okay? St. Nicky.
St. Nicholas.
St. Nikolai.
From the Nicholas, light of tree, we have families from Belgrade, and, you know, it's always been Serbian. But look, I don't have a lot of fucking time, man.
Oh, God. Is it true that your sleigh used to get pulled by goats then instead of reindeer? It does when we, early days, that's all we had.
And then my fifth cousin, he said, what about the reindeer? Just off the top of his head. And we're like, sure, we can eat them.
He's like, no, no, no, they can fly. And I said, shut up.
Shut up. Why do you have reading glasses on? You're not reading anything.
I don't know. Look, do you know how old I am? Every day I wake up in a ball of pain, okay? And I can't see four feet in front of my face.
Santa, you got a hell of a night. You're wearing glasses.
You got a hell of a night ahead of you. I mean, this is your day.
This is your biggest day of the year, right, Santa? This, without question. What kind of question is that? Well, here it comes.
It's the only day of the year that counts. And, you know, let me tell you something.
The strike fucked us, okay? Because here's what happened. You guys, you know, you do your strikes

and everyone loves Hollywood

and then the elves start getting ideas.

Oh, you guys, are they starting?

Elves tried to organize?

Elves totally organize.

And look, I can't do what I do without the elves.

There's no question.

Okay, so I respect them.

Sure, but be honest.

But be honest.

What else is an elf going to do?

They don't have any other job skills. Well, they could do stand-in work for young actors.
I guess. Yeah.
I guess. Wait, Santa.
Santa, are you willing to go on record? Did the elves, did Fran Drescher get to the elves? Fran, you know what? Let's, that isn't, I dropped my cigarette. I think it's in your beard.
You're on fire, Santa. That is a dirty word in our household, frandresser.
She got them all riled up. And then next thing you know...
Okay, so... Here we go.
It's always been standard. They get like four sugar plums.
Right. They wanted a break.
They wanted, you know, they wanted standardized working hours. They wanted to, instead of a 22-hour day, they wanted 21.
Are they concerned about AI at all? Well, AI, it's here to stay. Yeah, right.
Yeah. So you're like, oh, my God.
Life out of smoking. He's got a log starter to play log starter wow when did you start smoking? I gotta tell you not until the last 10 years because you know what the number one gift now is? what's that? high end mattresses yes nectar so I gotta load I gotta load mattresses.
Oh, boy. That takes up a lot of space on display, I bet.
It goes anything from Paw Patrol and Bluey. And then the number three is mattresses.
Everyone's list, they want a high-end mattress. So I'm like, fine.
But do you realize how much time? I can only imagine. I'm cramming mattresses through doorways.
I'm like, I'm busting up windows. I'm tearing through French doors.
Anything to get the mattress in. Because they don't go down the chimney.
Only you go down the chimney, right? You can't roll them up and put them down there like that. Yes.
And what's crazy is a lot of mattress guys, they're like, they won't do flights of stairs. They get to the house, they're like, no, we don't.
And the others won't for sure. So I've got three mattresses strapped to my back, and I am this close to, you know, calling it.
No. Yes.
Wait, wait. You're this close.
I am this close. You might call it quit.
This close. This could be the last year.
Wow. There's a very good chance.
Well, do you do any sort of like... Unless they revolutionize the mattress.
What if you just bring a bunch of yoga mats? You think people will go for that instead? Maybe. Do you do any carbo-loading today and get ready for the big night? I don't want a ton of ladders to the North Pole telling me that elves can't do anything but work on toys and build mattresses.
I don I don't want to hear about it. Noted.
Okay. We'll reinforce that afterward.
Santa, how do you spend your time after you deliver all the toys and the gifts and everything? What's your downspin? Hold on. Hold on.
Real quick, hold on. I need to pay the bills.
I'm sorry. Oh, here comes an ad.
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It came through clean. Guys, is it clean? Bennett is super clean.
It came through perfect. Great.
Thank you. Sean had a great question.
My question is, do you have any sort of prep that you do to get ready for tonight as far as stretching out or eating a bunch of carbs? And then Sean wanted to know, what do you do to relax after your big night?

Do you have a spa day tomorrow?

I'll definitely do a court lunch tomorrow.

Do a court lunch.

That's just right there outside the house up north?

Mostly, I have a lot of lists.

I have a lot of coordinates navigating.

I have to figure out, you know.

Jason, I don't know if you know, I have to do the whole world in one night. Okay.
So I got to get my ducks in a row. And I, in fact, it's unbelievable that I'm talking to you right now.
We really appreciate the time. Do you ever wear anything else besides that outfit? Or is that the outfit you wear every single day? Sean, I have to tell you something.
I don't know the other two so much, but you, my friend, you are very talented. Growing up in Serbia as a young man, we only had two channels and we loved you in Three's Company.
I mean, what you did, that was a very subversive show. We knew all the things you guys were saying.

Yeah, sure.

And the commentary on American propaganda and consumerism

and the fact that Jack was a spy for the U.S. government.

Anyway, thank you.

Well, thank you for getting it.

Thank you for getting it.

Right, and everything behind, I remember the song,

all the kisses are hers and his and hers.

Yes.

Right?

Right, yes.

That was very racy

for Serbia, wasn't it?

That was good shit.

Hey, have you ever seen the film

Elf? I've always wondered that. Have you ever seen that?

I don't like

any of the Christmas movies. No, I haven't seen that.

You should try that one. That one

is very, very good.

Very good. The one I watched

and I absolutely loved

was A Diva's Christmas Carol starring

Diana Ross. That one

I'm seen. I've seen so far.
Excuse me for laughing. I'm not laughing.
But Diana Ross, she can sing, but boy, can she act. You know?, we'll have to check that out.
Yeah, please, please do. If you're going to see one.
What is it called again? A Diva's Christmas Carol, Diana Ross. Sure.
A Diva's Christmas Carol. Okay.
So you don't care for any of the actors who have portrayed you in films? No, because it's all it's all crap it's all bullshit and no one you would think someone would get on a zoom with me and and say hey what's it really like and but no you know and it whatever i don't i don't have time to talk about i know you don't have time so let me just ask you really quick because i know you do have to go what what are you going to go do what do you do to go and, after your cold plunge, what do you do to kind of release valve? Well, do you and the Mrs. of Mrs.
Santa Claus, do you guys do anything to just kind of take it down? We have a timeshare in Boca, so we'll do that. Okay.
But seriously, I say don't look at me until St. Patrick's Day.
Okay. I just don't even look at me.

You're a wreck.

I'm a wreck.

I'm an absolute wreck.

Do you have kids?

We, no, we never got around to it.

We never got around to it. How many, how many butts, how many, how many cigs do you get through on Christmas Eve?

Oh, I go, I go through, I mean, this is my is on my wish list, parliaments. And I go through.
It must be difficult to get those things fired up once you're up there on the sleigh. Yep, once you're at high altitude.
And that's when I get that nicotine withdrawal. Right around Southeast Asia.
Just go right to the patch. That's a real kick in the patch.
Yes, the hat or the gum. Or the gum, but the gum will get caught in the beard.
Yeah. You sound a little like Will Arnett now that you're older and you're smoking more.
Well, but it has an effect on the vocal cords. I mean...
How old were you when your beard turned white? 19. That's tough.
19. Who are the naughtiest kids just by...
Just what area of the world do you find the naughtiest kids? I'll give you the names right now. Brian Barner.
Patrick Russo. Jerry Hampton.
Tom Robinson. Alexander Nails.

Alexander Nails.

So they're getting, what do they get?

Coach John Malcolm.

Do they really get coal or is that just a wives' tale?

They get coal. They get coal.

I can't find coal as easily as, and it's no one wants.

Yeah, the wokesters.

They got rid of all the coal.

With the mattress, it weighs down the sleigh, et cetera.

So, you know what I find?

That they were really bummed out about fruit.

I give them fruit.

Oh.

Give them a pineapple or a kumquat.

Overly ripe or not ripe at all.

It can't be.

Or a lemon.

And sometimes if I'll put a little inscription on note, a lemon, I say, suck it. Just to personalize it.
Yeah. What's the dumbest letter you ever got? Do you remember any of your dumb letters? The dumbest letter I ever got was from Jimmy Carter's brother, Billy Carter.
Yep. He wanted He was already in his cups.
I don't even remember what it was but I just remember thinking these guys are jackass. You know.
Clearly banged up. It proved to be true.
And having no kids of yourself and having only to, like, deal with them all these years, do you still love kids? Do you still love being around them? Like, do you look forward to this year? Look, I come off like I'm in a bad mood. I love kids.
I do. Sure.
The kids are why I come back to it. Yeah.
Because, you know, for the most part, the kids are, they are the future, right? Right. Sure.
I guess so. I mean, it feels like you're just quoting a song, like a Whitney Houston song.
Oh. All the kids are the future.
And it could get all the kids to hold hands around the world. Oh, no.
And sing a song in harmony. Oh, boy.
Oh, wait a second. What a better place this would be, right? This is a Coca-Cola ad.
If we could get animated polar bears along with kids. Oh, my God.
This is a Coca-Cola. And if the polar bear drank a bottle of pop, how easy would that be? What are you making in endorsements pre-tax? What are you pulling in a year gross, would you estimate? Well, we're talking euros? Euros is fine.
We'll take it in euros. Pre-tax? Pre-tax.
Well, the Serbian tax system is, you know. I'm making about 47 million.
47 million euros. Gross.
Do you have trouble finding things to spend that on up north? I'm about to buy Chelsea. Chelsea soccer club.
Chelsea football club. Yeah, I got a bid in.
So here's the thing. If that goes through, I'm done.
You're done with Christmas. I'm done with all that.
You hand over the gig to who? To the missus? I'll hand it over to, you know, I don't care. I'll hand it over to you three jokers.
If you, can you make this, please? If you buy Chelsea, if that ends up happening, I know it's in the works and you don't want to talk too much about it because it's still in the works right now. Yeah, I can't.
You can't say too much,

but maybe just ask you this.

If you retain control of Chelsea Football Club,

will you try to get American Christian Pulisic

back on the squad?

That will be my first move.

That's your first move.

I knew it.

Wait, Santa, I want to know,

what does somebody get you as a gift?

Oh, good question.

The guy who has everything.

Yeah, well, obviously, I'm never going to say no to parliaments. I like a comfortable walking shoe.
Like Clark's or Johnston's. Or have you tried the oh gosh, what's the...
I should know this. How about the shoes that you don't have to reach down to put on? Oh, Skechers? Sure.
Those work for you? I love a good Skechers, yep. There may be, I can't say anything, but fingers crossed, there may be a Skechers collab with Snoop in the future.
With you and... Me and St.
Nicholas. Nikolaus and Snoop.
Wow. Yeah.
Wow. Huh.
So we're making news. Is that okay to report that? That's okay.
That's okay. That's like we're on the five-yard line on that one.
Okay. Gotcha.
So, Santa, again, before we let you go, what are you looking at? What's your... When are you looking to be wheels up? Wheels up.
We've got to start. Oh, God.
Let me see. What's that? Yeah.
No, I know. What happened? No, just the...
My chief navigator says there's a... That the Icelandic volcano erupted again, so we're going to have to go around.
Oh, you're going to have to circum... Okay.
So we'll probably have to leave 3 o'clock my time, 3 p.m. 3 p.m.
your time. Here's another secret.
In order to deliver all the toys in time, I have to do some of it in daylight. And it's just, you know.
Wow. Oh, the kids must hate that.
And the kids sometimes see me, and I have to threaten them. I'm like, don't tell anyone, or you won't get another gift.
Oh, so kids have seen you, but the reason it hasn't come out is because you've threatened that they'll never get another gift. I also have the little memory wiper from Men and Back.

That started with you, huh?

I have that, yeah.

I have that.

I love that you're Serbian.

I can't wait to spread that around.

Are you spending a lot of time back in Belgrade these days?

Well, look, it's not a safe place to be.

It's still pretty hot.

Okay, sure.

Yeah, it's hot.

Yes.

And I, you know,

I have to roll heavy when I go to Belgrade.

The elves look sweet.

Yes, but they are well trained.

And...

Okay.

And they know... They know how to handle themselves they sure yes sure do you know but we'll stop we'll go to Belgrade we'll go we'll go to Nobu and we'll say hi to people and yeah we'll do all the usual places maybe have a meal with Novak Djokovic or, you know.
Maybe with the Joker, yeah, sure. And some of Ili Nastasi's family.
Oh. No kidding.
Yeah, yeah. That's fine.
He's Romanian, but. Yeah, he is Romanian.
But he spends time in. He comes over for the shops.
Yeah, he loves the shopping. Okay, well, Santa, listen, again, obviously it's a really busy day.
Is there any message that you want to, like, sort of leave our listener with or the kids of the world just on this epic thing? Well, yeah, I think I said it. I want all the kids to hold hands around the world and sing a song of peace and joy and harmony.
All right. Brought to us by who? By Coke.

Coke Zero.

The new Coke Zero.

The new Coke Zero,

it might be,

and I'm not just saying this.

I'm not just saying this.

It might be the best Coke ever.

I'm not just saying it.

Okay.

I'm not just saying it.

Ah.

Well, listen, Santa,

what a treat for us

to be able to spend

just a bit part of Christmas Eve

with you.

Yeah, it was a treat for you. It was a waste of time for me.
I know, I know. I'm going to, look, are we done? Yeah.
Listen, best of luck tonight. I hope you have great work.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Safe luck. Oh, he's out already.
Oh, he left. And he's gone.
He left so quickly. Well, we wish him luck.
We hope he sobers up just a little bit before he gets behind the reins. Yeah.
To all our fans and everywhere, and from Santa, we can speak for Santa.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

We love you guys.

Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas to you guys.

I love you guys so much.

Love you guys.

Have a great, great rest of the Christmas Eve and an incredible day tomorrow.

Yep.

Merry Christmas to you guys, and happy holidays.

We love you.

And let's just say a very, very special Christmas. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Smart. Yes.
Smart. Yes.
This episode was exquisitely handcrafted by our favorite Santa's little helpers. Smart.
Less. Hey, friends.
Jason here. We're so excited the Smart List has officially joined the SiriusXM family.
We can't wait to announce new surprise guests who we know that you'll love. If you want to be the first to hear new episodes ad-free and a whole week early, subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts Plus on Apple Podcasts or visit SiriusXM.com slash podcasts plus to start your free trial today.
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