“Conan O’Brien: LIVE in Boston”

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Welcome, everyone.

Please remember to turn off your cell phones.

This is a reminder there is no photography or recording permitted.

Now, please enjoy the show.

Go Sox. Oh, enjoy the show.
Go Sox!

Oh, man.

Wow.

What's, um... Did they do the announcement?

Yeah.

Oh, they did the announcement?

The guy did the announcement, yeah.

Oh.

The guy already did the announcement.

He told them to turn off their phones.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right, well...

Do you think everybody turned their phones off?

Wait a second, why are they applauding?

Can they hear us? I guess, well, we're also doing a brand new episode of Smart List. Welcome to Smart List.
Let's do it. Okay, good rehearsal.

Let's go back.

We could have done that before the show, I guess.

We have a fourth member that we're announcing tonight.

He's shy.

He's got a loose bowel, so he's going to go.

He's shy.

He's very shy.

We're so excited to be in Boston.

Boston.

What? And there are people up there, too? I think so. Wow.
This is really, really, really weird. You guys are so nice to come out and see us tonight.
Thank you. I know, and the weather is so crappy out there.
Thank you for braving the elements.

Yeah.

You know?

We've, uh, we're really excited to be here.

Yeah, yeah.

Can we turn on the house lights?

I want to see, like, all these people.

Yeah, just for a second, just for a second.

Or do we not want to see all these people?

We might get to see them.

Oh, yeah.

But we just want to see everybody.

Wow.

Hi, everybody!

Yeah, it's so nice. Thank you for coming.
It's so nice to see everybody. Hi, everybody! Yeah, it's so nice.

Thank you for coming.

It's so nice to see you.

Wow.

All right, let's sit.

Want to sit?

Yeah, let's sit.

Let's sit.

We'll sit down.

We'll sit down.

Wow.

This is really...

No, no.

We're going to switch.

Oh, yeah, we're going to switch.

We did a show the other day.

We did a show in Decent.

We're so well rehearsed.

Well, Jay, you just turned your chair.

You've got to leave it out a little bit. I've got to leave it out

a little bit. Yeah.
All right.

Sitting on a mic pack.

All right. So this is where

we, this is, we're past the cold open.

Now we do, oh, this is just us bullshitting

before the guest. About our day.

I'm new. I'm brand new.

About our day. Well, today,

well, first of all,

Will always makes fun of my emails. I just heard you

mention it downstairs before he came up.

He thinks I email too much. I think I don't.

God bless you. Well, today, well, first of all, Will always makes fun of my emails.
I just heard you mention it downstairs before we came up. He thinks I email too much.
I think I don't because I'm always on emails. He's like, hey, cool with the emails.
No, it's not about that you email too much. It's that you feel a need to respond immediately, and you don't think through your answer.
It's true, and then you get in a lot of trouble. I do.
By the way, good note. Good note.
I do. I do get in a little bit of trouble, but I like to respond quickly because I like when people respond quickly to me.
Okay. Here's what I don't like.
How difficult is it to proofread your text, your email, check your punctuation? Like if you send me something that's not well spelt or well punctuated, I don't feel like you really mean it. You didn't really check through it.
You feel disrespected. That's how I want to communicate my thought and now I hit send.
If somebody doesn't do that, then I kind of half read it. So you're saying that's what I do? I don't think I've ever gotten an email from you before.
No, no, no. What are you talking about? It's mostly text, but you're right.
Sean's our adult. When we have to do...
Which is sad. When we have to do a three-headed email back to the people who are nice enough to fund something like this, he's the one that puts it together, and it's always very mixed up.
Who answers first? Who do you think of everybody who answers first to every email that we get business-wise? Sean. Sean.
Sean. Yeah.
I'm a tight second. But you hate that.
I do hate that. I like taking a second.
All right, yeah. By the way, it's so much more than a second.
You don't even respond at all because Will is conflict-averse, and so he doesn't want to be a part of anything that can be slightly problematic. This is true.
Well, first of all, I'm not conflict averse. I like conflict in the immediate, right? So I like interpersonal conflict, like when we're having a conversation.
That I enjoy. I don't like real conflict that has to do with greater big world implications.
No, sure. You know what I mean? He's the king of, uh, you know, the people that go, Hey, sorry, just seeing this, you know, just getting to this.
Thanks everybody. I'm on board with all.
Yeah, that's so true. And you know, but, but, but I said this to earlier today, that sometimes I'll be falling asleep at night, and I'll start laughing so hard because of something Jason or Will said the previous, like, that day, right? I did that today brushing my teeth.
I spit all over the mirror. I'm an idiot.
But last night, Will made us all cry so hard because we were eating sushi, and he... And I kept saying...
It's so dumb. It's so dumb.
It's the greatest dad joke ever. And I kept saying I didn't have time to make dinner tonight so I ordered Japanese sashimi.
Not a great delivery. Not a great delivery.
Well, it's tough. I'm delivering for, you know, it's what we're going to do.
It's sashimi.

By the way,

and know that we're laughing not only because the punch is kind of dumb,

but it's so dumb.

It's so stupid.

It's so dumb.

You know what?

You're going to find a better delivery

somewhere in this interview with your guest.

You just work it back in,

and they'll see.

I imagine that our guest

is going to try to work it in

because our guest can sometimes,

they like... Did I just provide a segue? Yeah, you did.
Are you guys ready for the guest? Our guest really likes to work in sweaty bits. Let me just say that.
Oh, whoa. Yeah.
Like in sweaty bits of clothes? No, no, no. Is this a workout specialist? I don't mean like their meats and cheeses are sweaty.
I mean that they like to do bits and that sometimes the bits get pretty sweaty. This is somebody that we know quite well.
This is somebody, and when I say we, I mean that we all know quite well. Is this person specific to Boston? This person is specific to Boston in that this person is from Boston.
Is it a sports person? Male or female? This person is not a sports person. Are you unsure on the gender? Well, I'll let you decide.
By the way, the world just kind of... My question has just opened a little more now that it's not a sports person.
Not that I don't love sports. I just don't know a lot of them.
But, well, hang on a second. We'll get back to this.
I know your whole thing is you don't like sports. But recently, you've started to enjoy football.
Oh, my God, I love football. There we go.
Yeah. I watch it.
That's a great sound bite. Yeah.
I watch it, and I'm, like, blown away by the science of the guy throwing the ball and timing it and the guy catching it. It's like, who can do that? It's not called science.
What do you mean, who can do that? Lots of people can do that. I know, but not like, like, who was the guy who was watching the game? Oh, the Rams, the guy from the Rams.
He's amazing. Matt Stafford.
Matt Stafford. Yeah.
Do you know, hang on, check this out. Do you know the really famous quarterback that played for the Patriots? Okay, well, now you're making me laugh.
No, no. Watch this.
Watch this. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Who is it again? No, no.
I'm asking you again, Matt. No, no.
But he used to play for the Patriots for the bulk of his career. And then he just finished up his career in Tampa Bay.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Give me the first. Give me the first.
First name, Tom. Brady.
Woo. Oh, wow.
Is that our guest?

Is that our guest? Our guest is not Tom Brady.

Well, it can't be.

He retired.

Our guest is like the opposite of Tom Brady.

Wait, who would the opposite of Tom Brady be?

Our guest is from Boston,

is so angry that they can't be Tom Brady.

This person is...

This person is a clown. A clown? This person has lived in many cities after Boston.
This person lived in Chicago. This person was roommate with Bob Odenkirk and worked with Bob Odenkirk very closely.
Is this Cross? This person worked in California,

wrote on The Simpsons,

wrote on Saturday Night Live,

Mr. Conan O'Brien! Whoo! This is such a great...
Please, please. Please, please.
I gotta tell you, you know, we did a show last night, and it was Will's guest then, too. He brought on Will Ferrell, and I thought he couldn't top that.
Yeah. And he didn't.
You know, what kind of show business are you running where you tell a Boston crowd it may be Tom Brady? And I'm backstage and my dick goes up inside my body. Even further? Further! Further than it already was.
And then I was like, yes! The greatest Boston sports hero of all time. You guys are like, no.
Not him. Kind of the opposite.
I didn't say kind of. You know what?

I did not say kind of.

I said the opposite.

What kind of shitty show business is this?

Unbelievable.

You excel in the sport of comedy.

Yes.

Oh, Sean.

Yeah.

I love it.

I don't know who it was, but I was listening backstage as best I could, and someone, you

said, Tom Brady, is it a sports person?

You went, no, kind of the opposite of a sports person. And person i swear to god one person way in the back was like conan when did i become the dictionary definition of all that is not excellence in sport what's the opposite of the most admired conan I would like to

Wow What's the opposite of the most admired? Cut it! I would like to know... Wow.
I would like to know, as we spoke during the last two years during the pandemic, you chose to do something a little different with your hair, and now you're going back to the original. It's a great place to start.
It's a great place to start. It's a really good place.
You usually want to soften up the guests before you start ripping them down. No, no, no.
I just, I don't know what it looks like because it is raining ice outside. Yeah.
And this podcast doesn't spend a lot of dough. Wow.
We got you an umbrella, didn't we? No, no, no. You sent me half an umbrella.
It should be noted. It the show, Jason and Sean didn't know that Conan came all the way from California to see you guys.
Yes, thank you. All right.
You didn't walk. He rode his razor.
So I go into his dressing room and somebody on our team has laid out a ton of Smartless swag, like hats and stuff. And he's got his own podcast, and he is seething.
Oh, I see this stuff, and I take a picture of it, and I send it to my podcast people. Yeah, I know.
We have a shower cap. There's a Conan O'Brien needs a friend shower cap, and if you use it in the shower and it gets wet, you see that it used to be for ALF, the TV show ALF.
Oh, no. Old reference.
But anyway, I'll just lift this and put it over here. Yeah, you give me shit for old references.
Hey, come on. What was the hair strategy before you came back? I wanted to look like a puppet, a puppet that had been carved out of wood.
What did that look like? When I was a kid, true story, and I love, I cracked this. I cracked this, by the way, because...
That fucking hair, though, right now is just kicking. It is an audio medium, and, you know, you've got to use everything you can to boost.
You've got to be a clutter buster. So anyway, what happened was I got it wet, and then I was like, I'll be fine, and I just ran a hairdryer through it, and it looks like I've been electrocuted.
My apologies, but this will be good, you know? No, this is really good. This is good for your brand.
Thank you. Listen, the first thing I want to get to, and this is a bit of a touchy subject, not for you, but for Jason.
So we're not gonna talk about his incredible guest appearance on Will's new show, Murderville.

Let's get that out of the way.

Get that out.

Because it's incredible.

Conan was unbelievable.

Incredible improvisation.

Jason, your resting stance is to have your hand on your dick.

It's incredible.

No, I swear to God, he's looking at me.

If I was on the subway and you were sitting opposite me and doing that, I would call the police. And I would...
Is anyone else noticing this? He's like this. Hey, what's going on with your hair? What's with your hair, buddy? Why did you put up with that? I said, I don't mind that.
Here we go. I'm going to point it at Sean.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yes, thank you for Murderville. Conan came on, had no idea what we were doing.
I didn't see you until we started rolling, and you were thrown into this bizarre situation. They never tell you what's going on.
It's going on. Well, for Tracy, tell them what Murderville is.
And by the way, Murderville has gotten amazing reviews everywhere. Yeah, thank you.
I think my favorite headline so far is, O'Brien saves Arnett with Murderville. Is that one of them? I wrote that.
In the O'Brien Gazette. Who's at the Arnett Gazette today? It's a really fun show to do, and what happens is you know nothing, and they just tell you basically all you know is you're the trainee, and you're going to be paired up with the detective, Will.
It's an improv show. It's an improv show, but we never talked about how scary that is because quite literally you're sequestered, and then you're just brought to the edge of a set and they go, and action.
Right, so the guest star is the only person that has to improvise, that has no script. The person who's most fearful gets no script, which is nice if you will.
I actually find that liberating because- You don't have to learn lines. You don't learn lines and people come in the room and say things like, oh Brian, Brian, and you're just like, you know, yes, chief, and it's fun.
You kept saluting everybody. I kept saluting everybody.
But when is the last time you had to learn lines? Because isn't all your stuff on Prompter? Don't hit me. It's not all on Prompter.
Yes, I've never conquered the movie realm, as all of you have. But one day I will.
These cheekbones will not go to waste. But I mean, is that something...
Have you always wanted to do a regular scripted show? No, no, I never have. I've never wanted anything.
I like to say things the minute I think of them. And I'm very happy that this silly world works, because I used to work.
My job was to try and think of what's the cleverest thing, and I loved it, slashed, also found it to be incredibly difficult. Well, when you started to go and you started to perform, obviously, you maybe didn't have to learn lines, but you did so many great classic sketches on all your shows.
They were unbelievable, and you had the incredible sketch comedians working with you. You did great stuff.
But when you were writing sketches and things for other people, was that frustrating? No. I have to say, because I was writing, I mean, this is a very, I'm sure a very young crowd, but so...
Our demo is very young. Yeah, we're super young.
I know that's not true, but it's good for advertising. And by the way, thank you for your service in the Korean conflict.
I saw them loading in the crowd, and they were like, I can do it myself! It better not be Conan O'Brien tonight! Oh, if it's Conan, I'll get you mad. Again, again, incredible character work.
You know, my characters, well, whatever, we won't get into it. There's Streep and Conan and what else is there? But writing sketches for other people.
I was writing for Dana Carvey and Mike Myers and Adam Sandler and all these people. And I never looked at what they were doing and thought, that should be me.
I knew that they could do these things that I couldn't really do. That wasn't what I was interested in.
I knew that I had to be Conan myself to be funny. So I never envied them.
I envied them the attention and all that. But those moments when you write something and you think, oh, the joke would have been 15% better if they hit this.
Like, did that ever? Those guys are so good. Yeah, yeah.
Those guys are all-stars. And that's the thing is I was working with people that were so great.
I think if I had been working on some show that I didn't really respect, I might be thinking, why not me? Why not me? But I was never in that situation. When you say you're really excited to do something where you can say what you're thinking of right when you're thinking of it, like you can on your show.
Or this, this medium, yeah. What we're trying to be disciplined about on this and on the podcast is not to get canceled by just saying the first thing, like, because like that happens.
How did you, I would imagine- Yeah, how did you avoid it? Because honestly, you're so ripe. You're so ripe to be canceled.
I have a lot of controversial views that my friends know about, and I'd like to air them out right here. Good idea.
But when you're dealing with... I believe science has yet to prove, huh? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no.
Wait, Conan, no. Don't do it.
Has anyone seen the virus? I haven't. I'm gonna say the same thing.
Asking to believe in something you can't see sounds like a religion to me. I'm just saying.
What I was going to bring up was the touchy thing was that your Christmas party and that you didn't invite Bateman. Oh, yeah.
Let's get into this. We're not close.
Wait a second. So this is true.
So after I came to your, so Jimmy and I were there at your party and then we went over to our other friends after and Jason was there and Bateman's like, why are you guys so late? And I said, oh, well, we were at Conan's. Oh, you were at Conan's Christmas party? What, my phone number doesn't work? Yeah, everybody at this other party was either fresh from your party or set to leave for your party.
Can I explain? Everybody. I can explain to you in one quick gesture.
There were 400 people. Yeah.

This is all so real.

There is a very simple reason why you have not been invited to my Christmas party

and why you will never be invited to my Christmas party.

And that's that you came to my house one time.

No.

And you sat down.

Yes, you did.

And you planted yourself in the corner.

Hand on cock. And I have kids, I have little kids.
And they got really uncomfortable and I said, she's a nice guy, and he was like, yeah, get on back here. That's fair.
No, I had like a, you know, the legendary Bob Newhart comes to my party every year. One of the great comic icons of all time.
And you people know because you're all in your late 70s. And I can't have you sitting across from him rubbing up against me.
I played his son in a television series, you dick. Yeah, I know.
I know. And guess what? You were doing it then, and he didn't like it then either.
I was invited to that party. Yeah, you were.
That's all I have to say. But you didn't come.
You didn't come. I couldn't come.
Couldn't come or wouldn't come? The last one. No, I couldn't make it, but I...
Who can't make it to a Conan O'Brien party? If I said to this crowd right now, we're all going back to Conan's place. Look at that.
But this guy over here. I had previous engagements.
I see. Why are you being so cagey? Your previous engagement is always...
This is Sean with his dog. What's that dog's name again? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's get into it. Dickie.
Ricky. Ricky.
And he brings the dog wherever he goes. I have a lot of anxiety.
It's like a child because he's still a puppy. So I don't want to leave it alone for more than two hours.
I freak out. But next year, I will go.
Also, we have a tradition at our Christmas party, which is called catch the puppy. Yeah.
Yeah. We toss it around.
Brutal. Sean I'm not right.
I'm like, they're going to do it. And it was.
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You can buy a jar of Jif to save the celery. And now, back to the show.
Wait, I want to ask you something because you've been so successful at being a host and a talk show host for all of those years. You were always at the top of your game.
One of the funniest, if not the funniest host of all time, I think. And...
No, no, no. Even the best audio editor in the world can't fix that gap.
Between what Sean said... Let's try one more time.
An entire Wang Center filled with Bostonians going, yeah. I'll try it again.
One of the funniest, if not the funniest hosts of all time. No.
Please. Please keep in the original.
It's funny. But then take me through it.
But then take me through it because you did Late Night with Conan. Yeah.
And that was the first one, right? Yeah, yeah. Then you did The Tonight Show.
Yeah. Are you picturing it? Look, you're picturing it.
No, no, because I don't want to miss one. And then you did your own show on TBS, right? Yeah, called Conan.
That's right. And then...
And how did you guys come up with that? But then you... Now you have this incredibly successful podcast.
What is it about hosting and interviewing people? Have you ever gotten tired of just like... The forum...
Of interviewing. Yeah.
I find this to be really fun. Like, this is just, and I will say the first thing I think to myself when I leave a stage like this,

I'll think this tonight, the first thing I leave.

A, I'll think I was not paid.

I got a smart list beer cozy because we all know how much I love me a beer cozy. And then the thing I will think about when I leave is this is not a job.
This is, I mean, and I said this to you when I was on your podcast, you know, you find three people, any one of whom I'd be delighted to hang out with and screw around with. This is how we...
But only invite two to a party.

Well, get your hand off cock and maybe the invitations start to flow. But was there ever

a point where it did feel laborious and you laborious? Yes. A little bit right there.
Well, you're... No, no, no, no.
As a host, I mean. No, no, I...
I will... I...
You know, it's called a volume business. So you guys are all out doing these.
That doesn't mean you have to yell, but yeah. Okay, it's called a volume business.
And so I did like four or five shows a week for 28 years. And what happens sometimes is that you're, yeah.
You're waiting for the applause again? No, no, no. No, no,, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
People are... 20, wait, 28 years? 28 years, yeah.
We did 4,600 shows, and you know what? I'm told seven are quite good. But...
That's so impressive. But the thing is, of course there's a part where it's a night where, I mean, one of my favorite stories ever is the hilarious, one of the funniest people that you will all attest is one of the funniest people ever is Mr.
Martin Short. Martin Short is just a treasure.
He is one of, maybe all of us, I think, when he's around, we all like, we like, okay, okay, it's Martin Short. So there was a night many years ago where I'm, and I've been doing this for years and years and I'm slogging through.
And unlike tonight, you know, uh, let's say because you're doing so many shows and you're doing three guests a night, sometimes there's a guest on who maybe you don't want to talk to, but you have to. And it's 1 20 in in the morning, and they're here, and you might as well

deal with it, and...

Definitely pointed at you.

Definitely was a point at you, not why.

No, no, no, but what happened was...

There it is, see? So, Martin Short was

the first guest, just destroys.

Hilarious. Then he moves down the couch, and he's

right where you are, and I'm sitting here,

and the next guest comes,

and I'm not being mean or anything,

I honestly don't remember who it was. It was

an actress who had been

I think that's mean or anything. I honestly don't remember who it was.
It was an actress who had been modeling, but now she was transitioning into acting. Well, thank goodness.
Wow, what a story. Yeah, and her publicists had said, like, make sure you get that, and that she's transitioning now into acting because we're moving to the next phase.
I love that you don't want to say who it is, but yet we can Google Conan O'Brien, Marty Short. There's probably three choices.
Yeah, but this means I have it both ways. I'm a nice guy.
Right. But fuck whoever that is.
No, anyway. So anyway, I'm sitting in the chair.
This person comes out. They sit next to me and Martin Short's right where you are.
I'm getting through the interview and then I see that question and it's just an awkward, lame question, but I got to do my job. And I'm like, that's a moment where I thought, I really wish I wasn't here.
So I went. So anyway, yeah, this is, that's great.
That's, that's a funny story. You know, I'm curious, you were a model and you modeled for a long time and now you're transitioning to acting.
Which one do you prefer? Do you prefer the modeling or the acting? And she paused before she answered, and Marty's right where Will is, and leans forward so that only I can see him, not the audience, and goes... Big shit, I'll do this because it's radio or audio or podcast, I said, give a big, I can't wait to hear.
I'm hanging on every word. So I start to laugh, but I'm biting on the side of my mouth, going, and she's, you know, it's tricky.
I love modeling, but also acting. But then there's acting, but then there's modeling.
And he's going, ooh. The whole time.
And I'm losing it, and I'm biting so hard that I'm bleeding in my mouth. And then I go like, well, anyway, it was really good talking to you.
It was really good talking to you. Thank you very much.
We're going to take a break. We'll be right." Band plays and I get up and I walk around the couch and Marty's sitting there acting like he had done nothing.
And I leaned in and said into his ear while the band's playing, I'm just trying to make a living, you fucking asshole. Yeah.
And he and I talk about that all the time. Like, you know, he took a moment that was like, oh shit, this is a job, to that's one of my favorite things that's ever happened.
But with somebody like Martin Short, you don't have to stick to the pre-sort of deter... Because for Tracy, when...
Yeah, let's hear it for Tracy. We are, just, just as a quick sideline, we are going to see Tracy soon, aren't we? Yeah, we're going to see Tracy next week.
We're really excited. We're going to see Tracy.
And for those who don't know, Tracy is Sean's sister who doesn't know a lot about the business, and so we always have to do an aside. Wait, now we're doing for people who don't know who Tracy is.
Yeah, exactly. He's got so fucking meta, man.
So, so there, so you, you usually, you don't predetermine how the interview is going to go, but you talk with somebody who works for the talk show host, and you kind of say, well, what subjects are you comfortable talking about? And you kind of work out where an interview could go, what the questions might be, what the answers might be. That's sort of like a fail-safe if somebody doesn't know how to have a conversation.
What do you say the ratio is between guests that stick to the questions because of their comfort level or lack of conversation skills, and those you can just kind of freestyle like Marty? People that freestyle are very, are rare. Super rare.
And you know what's interesting? Absolutely true. I've noticed this over all these years of doing this, which is that there's something about the United Kingdom, there's something about guests that have come from that environment.
They are raconteurs. They tell a story.
And I swear to God, years and years and years of talking to just terrific, great, storied British actors, and they don't almost need a pre-interview. You can just talk to them and they're funny and lovely and they're finishing your sentence and...
Senses. What's that? You gotta say it in a British accent.
What'd you say? I say sentences, didn't I said sentences no but when I was younger just starting in the business all the talk shows they instilled the fear of God in you about sticking to the question but that's a mistake I would always say I would sometimes go on other talk shows and they would sort of start in the early days to promote my talk show and they would drill me me on the story, like, say it again, say it again, and I think that's... Yeah.
That's not how human beings interact, and people at home can tell this is kind of phony. If you had a time machine, is that the thing you would go and change? We never did that.
We didn't do that. There's other things I would change.
I mean, to a young Sean Hayes. I would change a lot of things.
To a young... Would you go and seek out a young Sean Hayes? And say, this is a mistake.
mistake. There's so many people I would change a lot of things.
Would you go and seek out a young Sean Hayes and say, this is a mistake?

Well, there's so many people I would go to and say, this is a mistake.

I want to get back to the time machine.

Yes.

Where would you take it?

What would you do?

Okay.

Fascinating question.

Yeah.

It's right off the top of the list.

By the way, you're not using it right now, are you?

You didn't come from the future.

I did. What the fuck? This're not using it right now, are you? You didn't come from the future? I did.

What the fuck?

This podcast has a year to go.

No.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

It's hugely successful.

And then it just drops off.

Who dies?

Conan, who dies?

No, no.

No one dies.

Wait, wait, wait.

Conan, Conan, Conan.

Oh, Jesus.

Let's just say one of you gets canceled because you decide to take public transportation and you start a little crotch fire. I need a passion.
No, no, no. I am coming from the future to tell you, enjoy this while it lasts.
Oh, God. You spent way too much money on very dangerous merchandise.
What would you do with the time machine?

It's my favorite question.

It's a terrible question.

It's a no-win question.

But what about a rock concert?

You got to go back in time to see one band that no longer is together.

I would go back and see me.

I'd see Hall and Oates just before they broke up for the last time.

Two years ago.

They reunited like 15 times. I'd go back and see them one last, no, I'm kidding.
I love the idea that it's a group that broke up like a year ago and that's the group I wanna see again. I wanna go see the Temptations, not the one with the original guy.
No! Those original. Yeah.
I saw them two years ago in Atlantic City. I want to go back in time and relive that because I lost my parking validation.
You want to go to the set of the music video of the Beach Boys Kokomo. Do you have any questions for Conan? Did you do, knowing that he is a raconteur, did you think that you didn't need any? One of the greats, maybe.
Yeah. Did you think you didn't need any questions? I did.
I do have some questions, but now that we're in a conversation, like, what am I going to ask him? One of Sean's questions? You know? Right, right, right. That's color.
Well, we already covered Time Machine. Can I ask a question? You guys famously, and it's a brilliant idea,

and I'm a big fan of the show,

two of you never know who the guest is,

so you're not prepared.

Correct.

One of you does know.

Yeah.

Of the people who are unprepared,

who's just the worst at just coming up with something?

Come on, Will, come on.

I'm probably the worst.

I'm the worst.

Have you ever been talking to someone

and you just didn't even know who they were? Yes. Who? Well, I don't want to say.
That's hilarious. Grandma doesn't really know a lot.
One of my favorite things is on the show Project Runway, which my wife and kids... I watch it every time.
Okay, whenever they bring out, they say, guess what, we got a special... And they bring out these amazing people sometimes.
I guess I don't know a lot about fashion, but sometimes they clearly couldn't get someone. Okay, that's nice.
I walked through an ice storm to get here. And so I'm watching it, and every now and then they'll be like, guess who are special judges this week? And they'll say, you know, it's Heinrich Liebman.
And you can tell that they've told the contestants, you have to act like Jesus has come into the room. And they're like, ah! And then they cut to the interview, right? Part where they go, I can't believe what's his name.
It's Heinrich Liebman. It's Heinrich Liebman.
But they don't know who the person is, and I know that that would be, for example, and I'm not name dropping, though maybe I might be, I recently, the last person I interviewed for my podcast was Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. Now, thank you.
That's a nice booking. Wait, Supreme Court Justice don't do interviews? Exactly.
Wow. Anyway, achieving the impossible, I think, is our goal in this industry.
So what I did is I studied, because you've got to know your shit when you're talking to a Supreme Court Justice. And I was thinking, what if I had just been on this show and Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor came out and sat down, and then, yeah, and, well, no, you're doing that.
Bateman's rubbing himself in the corner. And he's like, would you want a cheese doodle? Or like a nacho cheese? Do you want some puffy cheese? But see, by the way, do you remember the name of the show is Smartless? Yes, yes.
Listen, when you guys... On purpose.
True story. These guys were adrift.
Came to me a couple years ago. Oh, my God.
And they knew that I had a huge podcast. And they were like, what do we do? What do we do? And I was like, guys, you're each individually funny.
I said, two of you really have the goods. And I said, you'll be great together.
And they're like, we don't know, we don't know. I mean, it was embarrassing.
My daughter was there and said, why are those grown men crying? And I said, I'll handle this. And I said, guys, just relax.
You're gonna be great. And the format should be, and I remember you guys were like, what's your name? And I said, just, you know, how about two of you don't know who the guest is and call it, you

know, dumb brain or something.

And you guys were like, maybe that'll work.

And you ran away.

Wow.

There's a lot of crying going on.

You got on small, little, little child's bicycles and drove away.

And you were banging into each other as you went over the hill going, maybe it could work,

maybe it could work.

That's a true story of how SmartList was created.

You guys have heard Conan's podcast before, right? A lot of you. It's a great podcast.
Thank you. And I've done it a couple times.
You ought to get Bateman on there. No.
Yeah. We're good.
And it's you and people who work for you and who have to, who are obligated to laugh. So, because their jobs depend on it, right? Is that true? It's not just that their jobs depend on it.
If they don't laugh, pain. There's physical pain.
I'm not above hitting someone who works for me. Do you like...
And there I got canceled. Oh, no.
You were wondering when it would happen. Do you see how close you are? Always.
Always on the edge. Let me ask you, forget it, because this is the question.
It's so boring. Everybody's like, how hard is it to be a comedian right now? It's not that hard.
You just fucking, right? It's not hard at all. But there is that thing.
You have moments. Yeah, no, back to Jason's question.
It's like, what do you do to edit yourself? Is there stuff you want to say, but you have to edit yourself right away? Well, here's the thing I will say that's absolutely true. There's a way all of us, I know you guys are planning some, whatever, big surprise meal for me after this is payment.
I imagine it's all been set up. I hope you like California Pizza Kitchen.
We'll be slamming them back. But no, in all seriousness, there is a way that people who work in comedy, we riff and we talk about and we get going on things.
And some of the fun is saying things that are, that are totally outrageous. And, and it's funny because I mean, the most moral ethical people I've met, I've worked in comedy and they'll go on a long riff about something completely, you know, immoral and unethical, but it's really funny because you know them and you know that they're doing a joke about how wrong that would be if they were to do that.
Just to make you laugh. Just to make me laugh.
And the rooms, I mean, that's what I've always felt like. It has to be a safe space.
A room where comedy is being invented has to be a safe space where everyone feels comfortable and to be completely, completely politically incorrect. But the problem is then you have to make sure that when you go out in the world, you're not saying that.
And also connecting with people who actually hold those views which are abhorrent to us. That's not the purpose of it.
The purpose is to find funny things. And I always think about there are characters...
Joe from Arrested Development, he's a pretty despicable guy. Thank you.
But he's a despicable guy, but I understood how completely off the rails he was. Right.
And I'm not endorsing that kind of behavior. What I'm saying is it's absurdly ridiculous how he is and thinks.
Yes, and I think the fun in all the great classic comedy of all time is someone being completely inappropriate in a situation. But it's got to come from the actor playing that character as ignorant as opposed to intolerant.
And therein lies your skill with Job. You always looked a little dumb as opposed to...
As opposed to... I don't know how much of it was intentional or talent or what, but there was...
See that look right there. Look at that look right there.
Yeah. They did a thing, I didn't even know this, that they spent, I mean, hundreds of thousands of dollars in editing adding a light of intelligence to Will's eyes.
Right. Like a presence, just a presence.
They had to go frame by frame, and that's how video works. Well, the key also is to try to make the...
What's the key? To make the joke on you. So it was always about making the joke, you know, I'm the asshole, I'm the idiot, and it's not mean-spirited.
And also motive is a huge contributing factor too. What are your motives when you're saying the thing? Is it to injure somebody? Because then that's wrong.
If the motive is to be funny and to have a laugh and hopefully not injure somebody, but to make light, then... And you were always so generous with that on your show and continue to do.
Your whole brand of comedy is you're never trying to posture. You're never trying to be the cool kid.
I was trying very hard. I was trying...
You were trying. I was trying so fucking hard to be the cool kid.
Are you serious? This is me being the cool... But that's why...
No, I realized very early in my life, like, oh, I'm not cool, I'm not a good athlete. Thank you, audience, for recognizing that immediately.
I'm not all these things, but then taking store of what I did have and saying I'm going to be honest about that, which is, I think... Yeah, and it was clear at the very start.
Like, remember when, sorry, remember when you first, when you first came on, nobody, by design, nobody knew who you were. You were a newcomer to camera, but you were obviously with your background and your education and then working on SNL and all that stuff.
All writers knew who you were. I remember watching your very first monologue and I went, oh, I get it.
Because you were so human and so winning and so us. Yeah.
I get it. That's why you did it for 28 years.
Well, we almost got, I mean, it was two years on the air of constantly being this close to getting canceled. Yeah, were you worried every day you were going to get a call? No, seriously, we did the first, after we got through a year and then they said, we're breaking your contract down, which is completely unheard of in our business to I think it was three.
It was three months at a time. So we'll renew you three months at a time.
And people don't know that because people just, you know, a lot of people here and I meet so many people now who said, well, I started watching you, you know, when I was 15, and now I'm 75. And so they have no idea that it's so interesting how people have a different perspective.
They look at everyone on this stage, and they just think, well, you've always been at this place, and they don't understand. No, no, we'll take, you know, we've all been, everybody here who might even be interested in doing this or want to try it, and you come here and you see the people that you like on a stage, or some of them, and then, no, but you see us and you think, oh, you have, they just got to be that, and it's not the case.
Like, I'm very, I think the thing is... Like it just happened to them, you mean? Yeah, I think I'm very much constantly in touch,

and I think the people that I like in this business,

which includes everyone here,

I think we're really in touch with the fact

that we know what it's like

to have people look right through us.

We know what it's like to not have any of that status,

and I'm still connected to that.

We'll be right back.

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Hey guys, everybody should have a support system, right? Who's your support system? My support system, as you well know, talk about all the time, is Scotty. And of course, my two besties, Will and Jason.
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And now, back to the show.

You had to go through all that stuff too, especially going through the three months at a time, whatever. You had to do it all in front of America.
So you had all that stress every day showing up, and you had people saying, we're not sure if this Conan, like, writing stuff, because they write mean shit. How were you able to stay loose and be funny on the show knowing that your head was on the...
What helps for me is the work. So the magic for me was if we had done, let's say my show had been kind of a Saturday Night Live type of show where it was once a week.
I'm not even kidding about this. I probably would have gone to a mental hospital and been treated and the show would have gone away because it was so much.
You would have time to think about it. You don't have time because it's so.
You've got to put a show on it. I'd do a show.
I'd come out. I'd come to work in the morning and they'd say, did you see this thing in the paper? And it's literally like a three-page spread.
You know, 75 reasons why it would be great if Conan just died. I mean, I'm really not exaggerating that much because what we were doing just looked so wrong to people and I looked weird.
And what's this with his name and the hair? You also had Richter there holding your hand the whole time. Wow, what a gap.
That's another gap we can't take out. You just mentioned a name that's never mentioned in my house.
I wanted to say, like... This segment is sponsored by Prevagen.
Go ahead. Oh, can I say one thing, though, really quickly? We had to do the show that day, and there were terrible things, but you said something that absolutely is true.
Talk about a time machine. If I went back into a time machine and had to try and do that show without Andy, I wouldn't have lasted three days.
I'm serious. I am serious about that.
He's one of the funniest guys we all know. But also he was sitting, he was right there.
He was right there by me next to me. And there were times when I didn't have it, and he would just say something, and he was, in the early days, he was just money in the bank.
And also, I remember, he's just like this big, warm presence, big guy, and like this with, no, no, he's this like big, warm presence, and so literally, he was comforting. comforting to me like he's the strong he's the physically strongest person in comedy he is so he is so crazy strong i mean physically like we used to just laugh we i think we went to yankee stadium once to play softball and i think andy hit a home run with a softball everyone was like, eh, let's go.
I'm tired of this.

I saw him at your Christmas party with a plate full of heave,

and I both got a plate full of ham.

You would have loved it.

It was great.

But I do want to...

Remember the toast I gave at the party at the end when I said,

this room is filled with everyone, everyone that means something to me.

Yeah, you did.

Remember that?

Yeah.

Wow.

Do I remember it?

Are you kidding me? Tom Hanks was crying on my shoulder. Yeah.
It wasn't originally the plan to have Andy on the show, was it? Andy was hired as a writer, but I knew right away I want to get him. I think it would be good if you guys did a little research.
Listen, I know. I was going to say that you...
Let's get on a subway, the four of us But talking about those years Jason, we were talking about it Today or the other day You were talking about those moments Where you were in your 20s You had already had your first show And then you were doing maybe a pilot every couple years And going through those years And everybody everybody sort of thinks, oh, no, you're doing like what you were saying.

You're fine. You're Jason Bateman.
You're doing fine.

You're like, man, I'm just trying to be the fucking red.

That is at the risk of being overly sincere. It's like something that's really important to me is that people hear this message because I remember with great clarity looking at people that whatever have a position, have the position that I have now and thinking, well, that's them, but I could never get to do that.
Yeah, sure. And being as sure of that as I am, like the sun comes up in the east and goes down in the west, which is actually how it works.
Wow. Look at Sean's face.
Just bewildered. But yeah, you know, I, I actually, I was just thinking, uh, my friends, my my friend Dave McLaughlin and his wife Beth are here tonight, and they're good old friends of mine.
Dave, Beth, why don't you guys stand up? And I used to, I don't know where they are, and they're two of my oldest friends, and I used to sleep on their floor in their house, in their apartment in L.A. I'd go out for auditions or whatever, and just trying and starving and couldn't pay the rent.
And it was the kindness of people like that. And I so appreciate it.
I love that. I love talking about this stuff because people don't know.
Are you trying to cut off Dave and Beth? Sorry. No, because when we first started hanging out decades ago, I would go over to your apartment and your next-door neighbor in the apartment next to you or, like, on the same thing was Bradley Cooper.
Yeah. And it was like...
Yeah, but he was really fat then. Yeah.
Remember how fat Bradley Cooper was? He was one of those people that they had to take a wall out of the house to get him to the hospital. He was a cutout.
He was a cutout. And Sean's from Illinois.
You don't have to explain that to him. But...
But...

Canceled!

State by state.

State by...

It's a joke.

We're going to Chicago.

I'll admit to it when we get there.

But, yeah, Bradley.

Remember, Bradley would come over and be like,

I'm never gonna...

He'd like...

But I was just...

I was like, the first time I went to the Golden Globes...

Thanks.

The first time.

Yeah.

Did you ever win?

No.

No, no.

He just... a ticket.
Oh, oh, good for you. I was like, wow, I had my autograph book and my Sharpie.
No, he went to the line. But to that point, the first time I went, I swear to God, this is what I thought.
The first time I went, we were in the television tier, which is, you know, way in the back. Movie people are in the front.
And so I looked around, and literally, there's Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep and all these people. And I was like, how did this happen? How did I get here? I know so many of my friends that could do my job in Will and Grace or whatever it was that could be in this position.
And I looked around, and I just go, God, we're all lucky. That's just, every single person here is lucky.
No one more than you. Do you, do you, but I, you know, Sean, Sean.
No, I mean, you really just fell in. I mean, you were honestly, Lucky Magazine posted, you know, front cover, 50 covers in a row.
But I think everybody... But I think...
Sure, it takes a little bit of talent and hard work, but so many people have that. That's the other thing, too, is...
Yeah, I get crazy, and it's not just in show business. I hate it in finance.
I hate it. We've all, you know, in a city like this, in Boston, you'll see people that clearly have a ton of money.
They've made it in tech. They live out in some fancy suburb and they're hanging out at the Four Seasons.
And they're just, sometimes there's this air they have of, I'm here because I deserve it. And I want to say, I don't know what your story is, but all of us are lucky.
We're just lucky. And so that's something that gets like...
It's weird when... It's weird because, actually, by the way, finance is the thing that's kind of taken over.
There are probably a lot of finance people, and the only person we apologize to is Dan Dees. Dan Dees is the best.
But it's created a whole class of... When someone has got, you know, whatever, bet well on crypto or something, and then they're kind of acting to me like, well, you know, some of us know what we're doing.
And I think, fuck you, no, you don't. But wait, don't you think that to all of what we're talking about, that you can, like, I'm not going back on my word, but it takes a little bit of luck, but you can manifest a little bit of it by creating goals and writing them down and achieving certain milestones as you go along.
I don't think there's a better analogy in the world than the one-armed bandit in... That's the way I always...
I don't know if gambling's a problem for you, but you recoiled when I did that. From this angle, it wasn't a real jackpot pull you were doing.
You know when you go to... This guy is unreal.
I'm still on the subway, sorry. You are so on one track.
But you know when you go to Las Vegas and there's those machines and you pull the lever? Sure. Oh, yeah.
Or the knobs. Well, there's the knobs, but then you're pulling that lever and you've got to really pull.
And it breaks off. And then coins.
And you're like, and it breaks off. Yeah.
It's the worst. But then the coins come shooting out.
Sure. And then you just feel this sense of satisfaction and relief.
But then your anus hurts. Wait a minute.
Wait. My point is this.
We're going to clean this up. Or they won't.
They don't spend that kind of money. Well, let me ask you this.
Wait, I got one thing to say. What I wanted to finish with your point was that it is, yes, luck is important.
Luck is a crucial thing. And I want to give it up to luck.
But persistence, man. Yes, that's what I mean.
Yes. I think actually persistence is, there's just a tiny persistence group here.
That's the name of their Bitcoin company.

They all came in one bus.

But my thing is just like, if you just

keep going at it from different angles

and keep pulling the lever...

But there's also discipline and there's work ethic

and studying hard

at school and stuff. I know that you were educated

here too. What were the school

years like for you here? Were you a

good student or were you a little hellcat

out around town?

You know, funny you asked me at the time Thank you. here too.
What were the school years like for you here? Were you a good student or were you a little hellcat

out around town? Yeah, yeah.

You know, funny, you asked me the

time machine question, and I'm not kidding

for my, I mean, obviously, the time

machine question is tricky because... It's a classic

question. Yeah, it's a question of someone

has in their back

pocket when they don't research.

Time machine, Sotomayor! Pull the card out. I don't know.
I was just telling you my views on Roe v. Wade.
Time machine! Time machine, Desert Island Discs. The buzzer did go off.
Time to talk, Jason. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I would go back and have people not know where I went to college because I do think early in my career, especially, people had preconceived notions. And so sometimes people would act like, oh, this show you're going to do is going to be some, like, smart...
And I'm like, no, I like a masturbating bear. I like the silliest things in the world.
And I kind of wish that people didn't know where I went to school. I worked really hard to go there.
I was a grind. And I worked, even all those years I was writing comedy in college and performing it, I was still a really hard worker.
Do you think now, so sort of this is on top of what we were talking about. How does it feel? Is it when you come back to Boston specifically after those years of grinding in high school and going to college here, and now you're in front of this crowd who clearly adores you for some reason? Why? Is that satisfying? Is that bizarre? Does that register for you? Can you acknowledge that and go like, hey, that's fine? I'm getting better at it time, I didn't...
People would write nice things or nice things would happen, and I'd go like, mm-hmm, and I would just push it aside. But you used to go down these same streets.
You'd come into town, I imagine, with your folks and do stuff and maybe come to this very theater and see shows and whatever. I don't think this was here.
Was the Wang even here? I think the Wang was built... No, the Wang's been here.
The Wang's been here for 300 time. The Wang's been here for 300 years.
Oh. I think.
When the first settlers arrived, the Wang Theater was here. I remember.
It's the first thing they built. And they're like, the acoustics are okay.
Yeah. Be good for a podcast.
But I mean, you walked around this. No, no.
I'm very much in touch with the fact that I've been extremely fortunate. The thing I think about all the time is that my grandfather, my grandparents on my mother's side, grew up in Worcester, Massachusetts, and they, yeah.
And my grandfather directed Traffic in downtown Worcester. That was his career and he got paid- I love that movie.
He were- It's amazing. He got paid $55 a week.
And whenever anything happens in show business where someone tells me, well, if we, if you, you know, you just did a of talk shows, and so this is how much we're gonna... I'm very humbled by shit.
This is unbelievable. And I think about my grandfather, who I refuse to acknowledge in his lifetime.
Wow. By the way.
Yeah. For no reason at all.
I just was very, you know. Just a quick Harvard little story.
Jason was honored with the Hasty Pudding Award. Yes.
Yeah. And he accepted it.
He accepted it because he thought they were offering him a tasty pudding at first. But, Jay, why don't you share with everybody about the wonderful article that came out today? Oh, yeah.
Beautiful, beautiful article today in the Daily News. You know, sort of like the zenith of journalism.
They said that I received this... The Ozarks...
Ozark star gets the... No.
Gets the Hasty Pudding Award. And then in the body of the thing, Ozark's Patrick Bateman received the...
American Psycho. How tough is that to just do just the smallest amount of research when you're writing this article? Can I tell you my...
Just get the first name right. My favorite thing is I will get a letter.
This happens to me at least once a year. A letter from a pretty well-known organization that's saying,

you're our favorite entertainer, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Could you please come and speak at our esteemed institution?

It would mean so much,

and we followed your career with bated breath,

and it's going to be the biggest thing ever.

And I forwarded you that.

Yeah, exactly.

But it's like the letter will go on and on,

and it will say,

dear Conan,

and then the last name is terribly misspelled. And I'll think you didn't, you don't fucking care about me at all.
Like you didn't even check. It takes a second.
This is getting back to our, our, our email conversation. It's like, motherfucker, can't you just put a comma in there or something like, or, or they knew what they were doing and they wanted this reaction from you.
In fairness, when I walked out here and saw you, I was like, Patrick, you know. I was excited to see Patrick Bateman.
Well, I tell you, we've been excited to see you. Hey, that's a great transition for a guy who has to get out.
Are we doing a commercial? Well, no, I mean, you know. No, no, that's, I have to say, this is, I will repeat my mantra.
This is not work. This is, and it's been a long two years for all of us.
And a lot of us have been missing being together and having an audience. And so, seriously.
Yeah. And when I got, when I got, got when Will said would you want to come out and be on Smart List in Boston I was just like this is like I won a contest so thank you guys seriously no really this is nice this is really nice by the way I echo that we do too this is such a thrill for us to do this, to do this tour, to come here to Boston, to see you guys, and to do it with such a good buddy who we all love, and you are so hilarious, and you've always been the best, and you've always been so kind to all of us over the years.
We're going to work on this. We're going to work on it.
We're going to work on this. And let me broker the Christmas thing.
I'll just park cars at the party. Okay, that's great.
I just want to be on the grounds. You want to be on the grounds.
Yeah. There's some pretty heavy hitters, some big A-listers at these parties, and you might get a little giddy.
By the way, he's not kidding. Yeah.
It is filled with A-listers. Well, what are you going to do? Listen.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
I got to go. I'm meeting Tom Brady.
Don't. meeting Tom Brady you guys how great is it

Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone.

Thanks, pal.

Thanks, guys.

I love you, pal.

This was fun.

Hi, everybody.

Get in here.

Bye, buddy.

That was great.

Wow. That was great.
You know, he... I had no idea how short he is.
Yeah, I know. Those are lifts.
It's all lifts. Those are lifts.
He should come back out here and admit to the lifts. So what didn't you ask him? Go ahead.
I mean, you didn't go here once. There's 800 questions there.
I didn't want to. We were having a conversation.
There's stuff about SNL. There's stuff about Simpsons.
Yeah, I know. Late night.
They know all that. You have his name misspelled.
Yeah. You didn't even need him.
You're a great interviewer. Oh! They love you.
That's so sweet. How about Will, though, huh?

Sean. Steve? What about Steve? No, but that Conan is one of my favorite, favorite guests we've had on the podcast.
Absolutely. but I wonder like because I don't know this

I wonder if he is like

is he the longest

hosting talk show favorite, favorite guest we've had on the podcast. Absolutely, but I wonder, like, because I don't know this,

I wonder if he is, like,

is he the longest hosting talk show host?

Like, did he have the most years?

I bet you Johnny Carson went longer.

Yeah.

But 28 years.

28 years.

Yeah.

With various shows.

It has to be.

Yeah, with all the shows.

Yeah, that's crazy.

I don't know about you guys.

When I was a young actor in New York...

Uh-oh, here we go. No, it's just going to be a few minutes.
It's more of a monologue than anything. No, but I remember watching Conan on late night and just watching all those sketches and watching his, had to watch his monologue, had to watch those sketches.
I didn't care who the guest was. I just wanted to see those sketches.
And as a young actor, it was so inspiring. Yes, and what I loved about him, too, like I started watching when I was in college, and I was like, oh, that guy has the same sense of humor as me.
It's like a little wacky, and it's not like, I'm doing a stilted monologue now, and I'm going to talk to a guest. It was different.
It was so different, and it's still different. I love that character you just did.
What was that? I'm not gonna do it. This is my talk show host who doesn't know what he's doing.
It's incredible. Thank you.
You're looking at me, and all I'm doing is trying to think up a bi. I'm trying to think of...
Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe something about him being bi-coastal with...
Well, don't do it out loud. No, no, I think, well, if you just repeat the name of the guest

that we just had, there's something in there, maybe.

Oh, you mean Conan O'Brien!

Goodbye.

Thank you, Boston.

Thank you.

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