"Chelsea Handler"

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Details at lowes.com slash terms subject to change. Sean.
Yeah. I got to tell you something.
Okay. Really important.
Okay. We're recording right

now. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
The show is starting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it hasn't started,

but it's- And this is the show. Yeah, but it hasn't technically started.
No, but this

is- No, of course it started because it's rolling. I know, but this isn't the show.

This is the part before the show. Of course it is.
No, this is the show. No.
Sean, stop

waiting for your life to start, man. You're in it.
This is Smartless.

Smart.

Smart.

Smart.

Smart.

Smart.

Smart.

Hey, you know what I did last night?

I didn't even tell you guys.

I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, this sounds awesome.
Oh, no kidding. Now I know why you didn't tell us.
Yeah. Come on, John Williams.
Let me tell you something. John Williams.
Are you still up? It sounds like a rager. It was amazing.
Here's this guy, John Williams, amazing conductor. He's 89 years old.
I know. We're kidding.
Conducting all of the better, all of the songs we love. E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, all this new stuff.
It was incredible. I wanted to go to that.
Now, did he do a lot of the conducting? No. He did the second half.
Yeah, the first half was David Newman. Yeah.
Who's also great. But it was amazing.
I know. I nerded out.
The Mozart night that you sent me, I'm so bummed I'm not here for. Yeah, I said, Jay, let's go see Mozart.

Yeah, Sean and I are going to have a classical music date.

Under the stars.

Jason, originally you said yes,

because you thought it was,

the thing was cut in half,

you thought it was mozzarella,

and you were like,

yes, I'm in.

And then it turned out it was Mozart,

and you're like,

not as interesting.

He's like fried mozzarella.

It's a great granddad joke you've done.

Guys, today's guest. Okay.
Oh, get down to business, Sean. She's an amazing woman.
I love her. She's a friend of all of ours and boy, does she make me laugh.
She's been a stand-up comedian basically her whole life. Less red, Sean.
Less red. Try to find the words.
I don't know how to do it without reading. And boy, do I love her.
She is our... God.
I do love her. She means how much it was.
She's done everything. She's done specials, acting gigs, hosting gigs.
She does everything. Here's what I love.
She's opinionated. She's fearless.
She's hilarious. She's gorgeous.
And gay men can't get enough of her. Really? It's my friend and our friend, Chelsea Handler.
Chelsea! Oh, my God. Oh, yeah! Chelsea! There she is.
Oh, yeah. All my white guys in one room.
That's right. We're going to get some more to join us later.
Look at you. Where are you, Chelsea? Are you at home? I am in my office.
No, I'm in Las Vegas, actually. I had a show here last night.
Because you're on tour. I'm on tour, so yeah.
What's the name of the tour again? The Unvaccinated, what? No, it's called Vaccinated and Horny, Sean. Yes.
We came up with that together. Is it truly? So I'd appreciate a little respect.
Yes. That's right, we came up with it together.
Vaccinated and ready to rumble. Is there a subtitle that says everybody should get a little prick? No, it's just the tip is the subtitle.

But thank you for your... I left to spitball with you guys

after we already named the tour.

So yes, let's keep doing that.

Chelsea, thanks for joining us

and thank you for putting up with Jason's punch-ups

that he's obviously trying to give you.

I love Jason's punch-ups, always.

They're cheap.

So are you staying in Vegas for a while or is it just one of the stops there? No, I just had a stop here. I'm headed to, I'm just on tour, so it's, you know, different cities every day.
Next, just all over the country. All the places you want to go.
Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, places like that. Florida, Jacksonville.
Do you like constantly moving and touring? Like, does it get, or do you miss home base and being still? She's like a shark. She can't stop.
Yeah, no, I'm over. I like to, I don't like to sit still for very long.
Sean came with me on tour once last year, two years ago, was it? Two years ago, yeah. Three years ago.
It was so fun. Yeah, you complained the entire time.
I did. Tell us.
Yeah, let's hear it. Oh, it was such a pain in the ass.
Was he in like an opening act or was he choreographer or what was he doing on the tour? No, no, this is a, no, no, I read Chelsea's book, Life Will Be the Death of Me, mostly because Chelsea called me and asked me to go on tour with her and chat about it and she said, but she said, you actually have to read the book. Oh boy.
So I read the book and it's amazing. So you had to learn how to read.
So you had to learn how to read. Then you had to get the book.
Top I laughed out loud. I was, you know what I was when I read that book? I was like enlightened.
Like you taught me things. I brought up with you on the tour.
It was incredible. I was filled with insight about who you are and why you are, all those things.
And in the book, you talk about your, you know, one of the things to talk about in that book was your brother passed away when you were like nine and he was older than you. And obviously, you know, I want to ask you this, you know, something like that never leaves you and has a tremendous impact on a child of that age.
But for those of us who haven't suffered like a loss like that as a child, how did that inform you going further, like through your teenage years and adulthood? And does that still inform you in certain ways? Well, I think, you know, when it happens, you just like you're a nine-year-old person, so you can't even really articulate what's happening or digest it in any real way. It just feels like abandonment or rejection.
So you kind of pack it away and then just distract yourself for the next 35 years. And until it fucking comes and taps you on the shoulder shoulder and then you have to address it with a professional.
Like once your anger stops working for you in that way and you become too angry, which is what happened to me, then you sit down with somebody and you're like, you pay somebody to tell you what the fuck is wrong with you, right? That's a transaction I like therapy. You're paying someone to tell you, you know, why you're acting like such a cunt.
So it was a process of just understanding that many of my behaviors were a reaction to what happened to me as a little girl and the inability to ever really healthily deal with that and digest it kind of turns you into maybe somebody that you're not or maybe it is your personality, but it makes you kind of assess yourself. It's the gift of self-awareness.
You want to reflect and go, oh, wait, is this why I'm so impulsive? Is this why I don't want to be, you know, this is why I love being single and I don't have to depend on anybody, you know, all of that stuff. Yeah.
Well, I think it's amazing though, because yeah, all that therapy. I'm sorry.
Did you want to interrupt me again, Sean? I mean, for fuck's sake. So sorry.
You know I live for it. I live for you.
Okay, so keep going. Sorry.
But I want to, well, we were talking about that because, so Sean came to Chicago, the Chicago Theater, right? Yeah. We performed at, or you interviewed me at, and the whole time he was just like, you know, complaining about the flight out and he had to bring Scotty, of course, which is obviously an added bonus.
Anytime you have to deal with Sean, it's better to have Scotty around because it's like his nanny. And we, we had a great conversation on stage, right? Yeah.
It was so fun. Yeah.
We had a great time. And then you just kept asking me how much I was going to reimburse you for the trip.

Right.

Yeah.

By the way, still waiting.

How much you make and how much you got

when you sold your house.

Yeah, he loves to talk about money, right?

I love it.

I love it.

It's crazy.

Money makes the world go around.

I like to know how it makes the world go around.

Speaking of money, when you're in Vegas,

do you like the tables?

Do you like the slots?

You got a loose slot that you prefer?

Yeah, I play blackjack a lot.

Although Will and I were in Vegas once and we played craps. I had never played craps before.
And that was fun because Will knew how to play craps. And your other friend, what was your friend's name, Will? Beast, Mark Foreman.
Beast, yes, Beast. Yeah, you lent him money.
In fact, he was like, he worked for me at the time and he still does, works with me, but now, but he had no money and he was like, want it and you're like take some fight Chelsea just grab push some of her chips over to him like you're a beast just take this and he was like oh my god what the hell now with Chelsea when we worked on tour too I was I'm just fascinated with your family and your upbringing because there's some crossover into mine too about how kind of just screwed up it was but But I remember you telling me that your mom, no, no, wait, your dad is Jewish and your mom was Mormon, right? My mom was Mormon and my dad is Jewish, yeah. So what religion was forced upon you, if any, growing up? And did you- Well, not fucking Mormon because we all told my mom to take a long walk off of a long pier.
And we didn't take that seriously. Once I realized, we broke it down.
My dad was the dominating person in that marriage. And my mom was German.
So she came over after the war. So we weren't about to take anything seriously that she said, you know what I mean? He was Jewish and she was going to just shut up about being German for a long time until things blew over from World War II.
Did she marry him out of guilt? I think maybe that had some, they had quite a love affair, my parents. He met her in a ski store.
He was buying ski socks and he saw her legs. Just the socks.
No way. Yeah, just the socks.
He didn't ski either. He just went in there to buy a size 12 pair of socks or something like that, you know? Anyway, they had a love affair.
My mother agreed to raise all her children Jewish. So I thought my mom was Jewish until my brother died.
And then it was a big thing because, you know, in Judaism, Jews all have to be buried in a Jewish cemetery together. So when they had to buy my like a plot of graves when my brother died and they wanted to buy one for both of my parents.
And I remember a rabbi was at our house and he's like, Rita, my mother, isn't Jewish. She can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
And I was like, that was the first I had heard of it. And I was like, what do you mean? Mom's not Jewish? What's mom? And, you know, I was nine.
So nobody really took my feelings seriously or into account. They just thought she doesn't really understand what's going on.
And then when my mom did pass away, she never converted to Judaism. She was Mormon.
Like she wore the undergarments. She had missionaries at our house all the time.
And so when she did pass away, my dad was like, listen, we have to have, you know, we're having a Jewish funeral for your mother so that she can be buried next to your brother. And we're like, dad, this is such bullshit.
Like all of her Mormon friends are coming to the funeral. Like they're all at our house.
We can't do that. He's like, don't make eye contact with any of those people.
Okay. We just have to get through the funeral and get her in the ground.
And I was like, my family was so fucked up. We couldn't even get funerals.
Right. Oh my God.
What a crazy world. Imagine here's somebody, she's your mom.
He's, she's your dad's wife. Everybody loves her.
Your dad has these feelings. He wants her to be buried next to her son.
Like all this fucking, like just, it's all about love and love of people and there's fucking religion, whichever one it is. Take your pick.
Sticking his fucking nose in and ruining the experience of people who are just fucking grieving and in love with each other. And that is such fucking bullshit.
Like that is crazy. Yeah.
Well, what's crazier is that he was naked in our kitchen a week later with his cleaning lady. So he obviously took my mom's death very hard.
But his feet were warm, I'll bet, right? Did he keep just the socks? Oh, no, yeah, he had his socks on. Yeah.
Yeah, he had his socks on. That's where, yeah.
That's where he is. He took your mom's death semi-hard.
Nice. I heard.
The rumor was. The rumor was.
Right into his socks. Now, did you, what about any of the Mormon stuff make its way into the house? Or is it more like if the father is a Mormon, then there's a lot of wives around and kids around? Or do you come from a big family? How dare you? First of all, how dare you? I'm not sure.
I'm rusty on all this stuff. On Mormonism? Yeah, well, we actually lived in Salt Lake City for a while.
So I know it sort of, kind of, but not really. Anyway.
Yeah, it's kind of, it's adjacent to a lot of people, like a lot of us. We kind of know a little bit.
I remember I read the Book of Mormon. My mom, because my mom got religious after my brother died.
You know, everybody handles their grief like that. Like people get sick, they get religious, they get angry, they hide it away.
My mom got really back involved with the church because before that she was just carrying on like a Jewish mother, like at all of our bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs, my brothers and sisters. I'm one of six kids.
My mom would be on the bima at, you know, at the temple singing Hebrew prayers. So when I found out she wasn't Jewish, I was like, wait, what? So it was very confusing.
But my mom converted my one sister, Shoshana. She became Mormon too.
She's now finally recovering from that. But I remember reading the Book of Mormon when I was like 11.
How does the Mormon church even allow a Shoshana in there? Shoshana should be like, you can't get through the door. They'll take anyone.
Exactly. There's no prerequisite.
Charles, were your parents like, kind of a boring question, but I'm interested. Were your parents supportive in you going to comedy or the entertainment business at all? Were they like, what are you doing? I don't understand why you're going there.
No, my parents, when I left, you don't understand the kind, I was a hell on wheels when I grew up. I was just, whatever anybody told me to do, I did the opposite and told them to fuck off, you know? Teachers, any authority figures, both of my parents.
So by the time I moved to LA, I think I was 19 years old when I came out to LA. And they were just like, this is the right thing.
You should go. Everyone was so over me and my family that they were happy I was leaving.
And I was telling the story the other day, my brother, I was driving cross country. My dad was a used car dealer.
So he gave me this like Audi Quattro, this used Audi Quattro, which I knew was going to break down as soon as I got across country, if I even made it. And my brother being as protect, you know, protective, overprotective said, why don't you, I met this bartender last night in a bar, and he wants to go across country too.
Why don't you drive with him across country so you're not alone? And I was like, and he goes, it's safer that way, Chelsea. And I was like, yeah, but this isn't a great endorsement.
I mean, you just met this guy last night at a bar. But of course I was like, sure.
So I pick up the guy. I don't remember his name.
His name was Andy Dick. Andy Dick.
Yeah, it was Andy Dick, actually. It was David Spade and Andy Dick.
He was two guys. The guy was two guys.
It was twins. I was like, are you guys? Oh my God.
He said one guy and they just started multiplying.

And the guy says to me, he goes,

hey, do you want to go get some Coke in the city for the trip?

And I was 19 and this was before I had discovered, you know. Was it Bateman that you picked up?

It was, and I do like Bateman's cocaine stories,

but it wasn't him.

Guys, let her do the big reveal.

All right, you're jumping ahead.

And the guy goes, let's get some Coke. And I was like, all right.
So we drive into New York City. He picks up his Coke, right? We're in the car.
I don't even know if I had ever done cocaine at this point in my life. And we get in the car and we're driving.
It's like a five-hour drive. We left from New Jersey.
And I think we ended up somewhere in Maryland because we were heading down south to go down that whatever route it is. And we get to a hotel room, we get two beds and we check in and he starts doing the Coke.
And I was like, really, the first night? I was like, how's this going to work? And then he got maps out. Sure.
This was before, you know, our cell phones and everything. He got maps out and he was laying them all across the room while he was snorting Coke

and trying to figure out different routes that we could take.

And I was like, oh, my fucking God.

Sounds like a great night.

He should have laid down the Coke in the route.

Happening.

And it was so annoying.

And he wouldn't shut up.

He just kept talking and talking.

I go, dude, you got to stop talking.

I have to sleep.

I'm driving.

Clearly, you're never going to be able to drive again

because there's a pound of cocaine in our room.

And then I was like, what if he dies on my watch?

No, he's going to try to kiss you first.

Did he try to kiss you then?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

I go to sleep.

I woke up.

He was inside of me.

Yeah.

I go to sleep.

Bet it wasn't hard though. I wake up and he's still up from the night before with the maps.
And he's like, I think we could go this way. And I think we could go this way.
And I was like, there's no way this is happening. So I take my suitcase.
I go, hey, I want to go put our stuff in the car. I take both of our suitcases.
I leave his right outside our room. And I take mine.
I put it in the trunk and I just pulled out of that like Maryland hotel that we were in and drove the rest of the way across country by myself and left him about five hours out. Ever hear from him again? My brother was like, once I got to California, I was like, thanks a lot for that idiot.
And he goes, I heard you left him in Maryland. I was like, yeah, I did.
And he said, yeah, he had to take a taxi all the way back. He said it was $2,000.
By the way, telling the taxi driver where to go and which route is best still. Yeah, that taxi driver, it was probably, yeah, that taxi driver was like, actually, it was $500 until you started talking.
So now it's $2,000. And we will be right back.
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And now, back to the show. So when you got out to L.A., you're 19 years old.
Yeah, you pull in. You're on the fucking freeway.
Where do you go? What's the first stop? What would you want to do? I just wanted people to hear. I just felt like I had strong opinions and I thought I had a lot of misplaced confidence and I believed that people would benefit from hearing what I had to say.
Like I really believed that my own thoughts were valuable and that I was going to make a contribution in some way. I think I was just thirsty to, you know, for the attention, to be honest.
That's just basically what it was. But I wanted to make it into something a little bit more sophisticated or, you know.
And then I lived with my aunt and uncle who lived in on Beverly Glen. They had nine children.
And I became their kind of nanny. And I would drive these kids to school every morning in a minivan while I was listening to Stern.
And, um, and I just started waiting tables. And then I was like, all right, what the fuck am I going to do out here? Like, how am I going to get discovered? Like, I just assumed somebody would see me and be like, oh, okay, come with us.
And what was first? Did you just, did you go to the comedy store? Did you go to the improv? Did you like get an agent? What was first? Well, I went to, I got a DUI when I was 21 years old. Unusual route.
Good start. Unusual.
Yes, unusual and unexpected, quite frankly. And I'd like to note that I have never had one since because I like to learn my lesson the first time and make it the last time.
But anyway, I got my DUI and I had to go to DUI classes, which is basically a system that they put you in where they teach you how to get out of your next DUI. So they tell you, like, if you get pulled over, the minute you say you've had something to drink, you're screwed.
Like, you always have to say no, deny, deny, deny. And I was like, wait, what is this class? You're just basically teaching us how to avoid getting arrested again.
And it's being paid for by the state. And then everyone had to get up and tell their DUI story.
And so I was really, really scared because I didn't like public speaking and I didn't know. So I would just kind of hide in the back of the class every week.
like, don't fucking pick on me. I don't know what I'm going to say.
I don't know what my story is. And on the very last class, he was out of people and I had to get up.
And I remember just like, you know, when you're so nervous, your leg is shaking. And I just was like, oh my God.
And I got up there and I started telling my story and everyone just started laughing and laughing because I called the cop racist racist. We were both white.
You know, everything I did, I was in Sybil Brand County Jail for like 24 hours because they couldn't get me out of the system until they got me into the system. And here I am, this, you know, white, entitled little Jersey Jewish girl who was like, what? Sybil Brand? I just found the biggest, fattest black woman I could find.
And I was like, let's be friends. And after that, after I spoke and I did that, people were like, you should do standup.
And then I thought, oh, that's a great idea. I should do standup.
You know, you on stage alone with a microphone is exactly what you're after. So that's when I started doing standup.
So I do credit that DUI class with giving me the idea

because if people hadn't said that to me,

I don't know that I would have thought

about doing stand-up on my own.

But it's interesting that it was in there.

It was in there before you got up there.

You just needed some kind of something

to pull it out of you, yeah.

Yeah, a little outlet to pull it out of me.

Did you ever think about tracking down that police officer

who busted you and thanking him for your career?

No, I haven't thought about that. I was waiting for, I was actually going to wait for you to do that, Will.
Is that something you feel comfortable doing? Of course I do. Of course.
So, Charles, you know, it seems like in like the last decade or so, you've been, you've gone from your unbelievably hilarious standup-up and television shows where, you know,

your humor comes out from everything from like observational comedy to friends and family, everything in between.

But then a shift happened where you got into kind of more political

and world issues that mattered to you

and that you still feel passionate about.

And what was that turning point for you?

Was there an event or something that, you know,

shifted your focus a little bit? Yeah, it was called the election, Sean, of 2016. No, I didn't know if it was before that.
I didn't know if it was before that. No, I mean, that just really got me to a place where I just thought, oh God, America's going to be over.
Like we're passe. And that's when your book, and that's when you wrote your book and- Yeah, so that was like, I went through a really difficult time.
It was after, right as my Netflix show was ending. And I, I, that's when I got into therapy and I was just so, it was like, you know, they say you're angry.
Everything works for you until it doesn't. Right.
And that was kind of when everything came to a head for me where I was emotionally just like, oh, I need to get some help here. Like I'm not doing great anymore.
And what was working for me before isn't working for me now. So there was a big shift in that.
And I got really political, you know, and people got really annoyed by that. But I felt like I had to.
I just couldn't be quiet about that. I just couldn't.
It's like, if you don't say something, then what does that say about you? And I'm not like that, you know? I wish I could shut up sometimes. And before that, you weren't just as, I don't know, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but like in tune to politics or you weren't as affected by them in that way.
Is that fair? No, I was attuned to politics. It's attuned, not in tune.
And I was affected by it. Maybe you can come over later.
I know, I always have to correct you. Yeah, I know, I love it.
But I was, it was going well. We had Barack Obama and I thought things were changing.
I, in my naive, you know, little bubble, I'm like, oh, the world's a great place. Look at America thriving.
So I wasn't as vehement and loud, you know, until that. Did you feel that, did you, were you satisfied or pacified that what you were doing was affecting some change? Or was it just enough to sort of just be able to speak your mind? And if anything good comes from it, then great.
But until then, at least I'm speaking my mind. Well, I did a lot of stuff.
I went on a tour across country to colleges and campuses to debate conservatives, to talk about the election, to understand why people did that. And I worked really hard for so many candidates that ended up getting elected in the midterm.
So you do feel like it is fruitful when you can see like a tangible event, you know, or a concrete evidence, I should say, of your efforts. And not just mine, obviously, millions of people were doing the same thing as I was.
So yeah, it felt really good. It felt good to be involved in that process.
It felt full on, you know, and just like everything in my life, I do everything like 150% and then, you know, I'm like, okay, I'm done with this, you know? And then we get this president and we're dealing with this shit. And you're just like, oh my God, it's never ending this kind of cycle.
So I've stopped reading the paper for the last couple of weeks because it's just, it really does tax you and it raises your blood pressure and you want to be an effective- Welcome to the club. Yeah, right, right.
I'm serious. No, no, no.
These guys know, I talk about it all the time that about a year and a half ago, I turned off all the cable news things in my DVR. I can't take it anymore because I was like, well, ultimately, first of all, it's not like you're not going to find out about the stuff that's going on.
It's virtually impossible in the world that we live in. And I don't need to be reminded of a 24-7, and I don't need to have it affect me to the point where I feel, God, I hate the word toxic, but toxic, where it's just like it feels like it sort of permeates your entire being at all times.
Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a big bummer.
We'll be right back. I mean...
Sorry. No, let's change the subject.
It's not... Okay, here we go.
I'm ready. Watch this.
Jesus fucking Christ, Sean. You set us on this path of destruction.
I know. And you've ruined it.
She's doing a comedy tour for fuck's sake. Let's get back to religion.
No, we'll get back to religion. That's just some fun.
No, stop with the hot button. What about murder? How about gambling? Gambling.
Let's talk about sick children. What about puppies? How about animals? You love animals, right? Let's talk about some animals.
Oh, my animals do not respect me, you guys. Being alone with my family for the first time during COVID, I was like, fuck this.
My dogs think that I'm, they think my housekeeper is their rescuer and they treat me like I'm their conservator. They are, it was so demoralizing being alone with my dogs for the first time during COVID.
And I went to Whistler. I went skiing because I love to ski.
And I thought, well, I'm not going to spend four months in LA in my house. I'll go to Whistler.
and I had my dogs for the first time during COVID. And I went to Whistler.
I went skiing because I love to ski. And I thought, well, I'm not going to spend four months in LA in my house.
I'll go to Whistler. And I had my dogs for the first time alone with me.
They would just look me in the eye and just spot piss, you know, in our place. Yeah, I know it.
Look me in the eye. Like, are you fucking, are you kidding me that you think you're going to look after us? Right.
I would take them for, I took them for a walk the first day I'm in Whistler. I'm in this little private neighborhood, right? And I'm taking my dogs for a walk probably for the first time since I got them.
Let's be honest. Let's be real.
And because I had to go to Whistler alone, you know, it was COVID. Nobody could get in.
And so I'm walking them and they're brother, sister, chow chows. They're from the same litter and they're rescues.
I want to put that in there just so PETA doesn't fucking bump me up. I've had problems with them in the past.
So I took them for a walk one morning and this woman, and I didn't have them on leashes because my dogs are so lazy. They can't even run, you know, they're just like, and I'm walking around the corner and this woman sees them.
And I'm like, really? She goes, there's no leashes. You don't have leashes on the dogs.
And I said, they're not aggressive. Like, okay, I'll get the leashes, but they're not going to do anything.
And she's like, it's not for me. It's not for me.
I mean, somebody might see them and think they're bears. And they're like one feet tall.
They're both wearing handkerchiefs, first of all. So nobody's going to think that.
But yeah, my dogs, after I took them from home from Whistler, my cleaning, my cleaning lady was like, when I came home, I realized like I just, that was abusive to take them with me because I don't have the same level of attention to them that she does, you know? I don't know if she has peanut butter in her underwear or what she's up to, but those dogs, when they're with her, they thrive. And when with me, it feels like they're going to cross over.
I'm going to put Jelly in mine and just come over and we're going to be a family. That doesn't work for dogs, honey.
Okay, I'm sorry. Unless you have, maybe a cat.
Do you have a cat? Oh, you do have a cat. I don't have a cat.
No, Scotty's a cat. You should.
All right. So listen, Chelsea, you know, you.
Go ahead, Sean. You got another question? Fucking, yeah.
Don't let anybody else chime in here on Chels. Oh, my God.
Go ahead. This is the most I've talked on this podcast since we started.
I know. By the way, I've listened to this podcast, Sean, and this is the most you've spoken.
So, Chels, it is. It's because I get excited when I see you.
Jason's on his OnlyFans page. Look at Jason.
Look at him down there. He wishes he knew what that was.
Are you kidding? What is OnlyFans? There you go. What is Only only fans? Truly.
Is that a thing? Yeah, it is a thing. You'll find out about it soon enough.
Now that you've heard it once, you'll hear it again. Unbelievable.
Charles, I heard you on your, by the way, you have a fantastic podcast. I love it.
You're so funny. And you, on it, you said, you were talking about something about funerals, like, I can't remember if it's...
Oh, getting hit on at a funeral. Yeah, or not.
Did you say it was okay to get hit on a funeral? It's not okay to get hit on. No, it's not okay.
I mean, it's not appropriate. And even if you liked a man or were into him and wanted to have sex with him, if he did that at a funeral, it's so not hot that you can never do that.
Well, what about you're crying? You need a shoulder to cry on. No, no.
Has that happened to you? Has somebody hit on you at a funeral? What if it's open casket? I know, but I heard a story recently about two very famous people at a funeral making out at a funeral. No way.
At my friend, yes. And she told me that they were on top of each other at a memorial service.
Wait. Oh, my God.
Making out like tongue kissing.

And I'm like, you fucking have to be kidding me.

It's so disrespectful.

Well, it was at the wake.

It wasn't at the ceremony, right?

No, it was at a memorial.

But still, it's still, whatever.

It's still a memorial and it's still fucking hot as hell.

Really rude.

Interesting.

But depends.

Were they good-looking people?

Yeah.

It depends.

Yeah, they're both good-looking people.

Well, that's pretty fucking great.

I mean, watching good-looking people make out, I don't care where you are.

In front of a casket.

That's going to...

Right.

I think that's pretty fucking great. I mean, watching good-looking people make out, I don't care where you are.
In front of a casket. That's going to...
Right, and they're celebrities, so they should be able to do whatever they want anyway. Oh, they're celebrities.
Let them do what they want. They're just like us, but they're not.
I wonder if anybody got a stiff, get it? Hey, Chels, let me ask you something else. You know, for the time...
Oh, my God, Sean, Sean, we got to pause there for a second. Hold on a second.
Where's Scotty? Sean, where's Scotty? I hope those doors behind you burst open and somebody comes with piano wire and strangles you right now. Just fucking, that's it.
Fucking Sean's, ugh. Okay, wait.
You can take this microphone wire, Sean, and just do it. I'll do it myself.
No, Chelsea, I wanted to know for real though, because for the time that I've known you, you seem like you're always, always, always on the go. Go, go, go, go, go, nonstop.
Who is your constant when you come back home? Or, you know, you hear this word a lot, like camp Chelsea. Like who's in your camp or who are your constant people that you come back to all the time that you're like, ah, now I'm home.
My family is like that. My family and I are pretty tight.
So we spend a lot of time together. We go on vacations a lot together.
Oh, that's good. A lot of them are in New Jersey, but you know, not my dogs, obviously.
And my family is pretty much my constant. I mean, my friends, you know, I have different groups of friends and lots of friends and LA has been my home base for a long time, but I don't ever spend a long duration of time in LA.
I go in and out. Actually, COVID was the longest amount of time I ever spent in LA.
And my sister invaded my house with her three adult children because apparently parenting never fucking ends. And I have, you know, designed my life in a way that I didn't ever want to have children living in my house.
So she came down for COVID for three months with her three adult children, 24, 21, and 18. And they stayed for three months.
And then I put the house on the market and sold it so that would never happen to me again. Are you serious? How did you let that happen? Well, it was my sister.
So obviously I say no to family, but, and I thought, oh, this will be fun. I had, you know, the room, I have this great fun house.
And so they all came down and then all of a sudden I was doing dinners every night at seven 30 with, you know, three kids. And every night somebody would cry and, and then one, oh, and then my nephew who, my nephew, he's 24 years old.
He's a sports journalist. And he was, he was getting really frustrated during COVID.
You know, he's like, I can't date. I'm like, date, buddy? Like people are dying.
We're in a global pandemic. Yeah.
So one night I go, do you know any funerals I could go to to pick up some chicks? Wait till somebody else dies in our family. We can hook you up.
So he had an outdoor, like an outdoor date in my backyard. And my sister goes, let me get you out of the house.
You're getting really irritated with everybody. And I was like, okay, let's.
So we went for drinks at a friend's house, probably Mary's. And we came back and he was at my kitchen counter, my 24-year-old nephew, my firstborn nephew.
Okay. And he is acting like Ernest Hemingway, just sitting at, you know, just, you know, really buzzed and really frustrated, running his hands through his hair like he'd never been through so much.
And I was like, Jake, did you get, you know, did you get some penetration? What happened? I was like, no, Chelsea, of course I didn't. And it's not funny.
He's all backed up. And I looked at him and I was like, no fucking way.
Am I listening? I'm like, is this boy frustrated because he's horny? And I couldn't believe it. So I walked upstairs to my bedroom and my sister came up an hour later.
She's like, sorry about that. I go, oh, sorry about that.
Your job is to listen to your son talk about how sexually frustrated he is in the middle of this pandemic. What are you? Do you know? I'm horny too, but I can't fuck anybody because you guys won't get the fuck out of my house.

So anyway, they left after that.

I would have come over.

Sean, you've always been an amazing lover.

I love having sex with you, Sean.

He doesn't.

I mean, he, I mean,

especially when you can't shut the fuck up

while we're having sex, you know?

You just drill me with one question after another.

I don't drill you with my penis, just questions.

No, you drill me with questions.

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash smartless. And now, back to the show.
Chelsea, you are in the middle of your tour or the beginning of it? Or the end? I'm in the beginning of it. I announced 30 dates, and I am announcing 30 more.
So I'm going to be on tour for the next year. So it's pretty fun.
And we kicked it off at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I opened the Santa Barbara Bowl.
After two years, it was closed. So that was epic.
It was the night of the full blue moon. So it was just such a great vibe.
Tons of my friends came. I love that.
And yeah, it's fun to be on tour. It's fun to be a reason people are coming back together for the first time in big groups.
And, you know, my crowds are safe and they're vaccinated. So I have, you know, faith in that.
And yeah, I'm just loving doing standup again. You know, I want to get back to like- Did you have a, sorry, did you have a chance to work on your material even though there weren't a lot of places that were open during COVID? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I have been getting up for the last two months, putting my new hour together. But there's so much material from COVID.
You know, trying to have sex during COVID. I had to get my own COVID test at my house.
And then I would invite men over to the backyard that I was getting set up with or whatever. And I'd give them a little nasal swab and it takes like 20 to 30 minutes to run the diagnostics on that in my kitchen.
And in that 20 to 30 minutes, I would interview them, you know, about see if they were a potential penetrator. And if they said anything in that time that was annoying or I saw a pinky ring, I would just come back out and say, you're positive.

You have to leave my house.

A pinky ring.

If anybody mentioned an aquarium, they're positive.

Like just.

Yeah.

Anybody who said masks don't work.

It's like, get out of my house.

I can no longer fuck you.

Right, right.

Wow.

Hey, Chelsea, when you go on tour, like you are,

and do you have like a thing after the show's over where you like, like any rituals or anything where you meet and greet, where you come back to the hotel where you are? Do you do something or just like straight to bed or how late do you stay up? Yeah, I do a VIP meet and greet for the people that, you know, get the best tickets. We go, we do pictures after.
But, you know, when you're on tour, it's pretty grueling. Like being on stage for an hour and a half a night or an hour or whatever it ends up being is like I'm 46 years old.
So I got to keep it tight. I don't really, you know, go out and party like I used to when I was on the road where it didn't matter.
And, you know, it didn't matter. You just now it's like you want to be sharp.
You want to have mental clarity. So, no, I don't really get after it in that way.
And it's like usually four nights a weekend, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. Right, do you ever go out and see other people stand up? Do you ever? Yeah, yeah, I do.
I have been lately. Like anybody you're a fan of now? Yeah, a lot of standups.
There's Hannah, I have a lot of amazing women opening for me. Hannah Einbinder is awesome from Hacks.
She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas.
Vanessa Gonzalez is a great female standup. A lot of women of color are opening for me, obviously, because that's, you know, you want to give that stage time to everybody who hasn't gotten a fair shake at it.
Yeah, for sure. And yeah, I just use different people all the time.
And I just love to bring girls in.

And, yeah.

I love that.

I mean, what was the question, Sean?

No, that's it.

Yeah, Sean, what was the fucking question?

He wants to know what you do after.

Because we're going to do a real stupid thing.

We're going to go on tour.

Oh, yeah, I saw that.

We're dumbasses.

And so Sean, I guess, is trying to figure out what his post-show routine is going to be.

He wants to base it off what you do. And he wants to know, like, can we hit the bars? Can he mingle it up with people? Or maybe just go back to the hotel, get in the schvitz.
And like where he's got to do like, no, Scotty, I'm at home. And like, shut up, you guys.
No, no, no. Well, these two guys are sober, so they're not going to be going out with you, right? But we can drive.
We can drive them. Yeah, maybe we'll drive you around.
You can go get after it. Actually, Sean, it depends how much you're contributing during the live shows.
You know, if it's as much as you've been contributing to the podcast, yeah, you'll be free to do whatever you want. Because you'll have plenty of energy.
You don't have to answer of any. Thank you.
By the way, Chelsea, thank you for managing expectations as we move forward. You know.
What do you think, Chelsea? I do want to ask you, like, you've kind of had a bunch of different careers. Like, you're a stand-up and you're a stand-up.
You didn't start as a stand-up, though. Is that right? I mean, you did it originally, but then you kind of became known also as, you had your show, obviously, that was hugely successful, And now you've kind of come back to stand-up.

And you had your show on Netflix as well.

And you've gotten very political.

Like, you haven't had, like, a sort of orthodox career.

Not that anybody really does.

My point is, where do you see yourself?

Like, what kind of shit do you want to do, I don't know,

in the next five years or ten years that you think is going to interest you outside of just touring and shit?

Do you see yourself, like, doing another show? Like, like a late night show or some shit, you know? I did start out as a standup. That's how I got, you know, my show.
So I did just to clarify that. I did start out.
I did quit for a while when I burned myself out. When I went over to Netflix to do my documentary series and I had like a three or four year contract with them.
So I did all of that stuff. I did my shows.
I did a bunch of documentaries and I just sold my last book, which is Life Will Be the Death of Me, to a network for me to star in. Oh yeah, I read that.
So it's kind of like a curve. Wait, sorry to interrupt.
How many books have you written? I know you've written a bunch. Six.
Amazing. Amazing.
That's pretty fucking impressive. Six number one New York Times bestsellers, guys.
Six. Is that true? Six number ones? Yeah.
That's incredible. That's really impressive.
I love that. That's very impressive.
Thanks. I know.
Sometimes I can't believe it. That's awesome.
So you're adapting that into a show? Yeah. So it's kind of like a curb your enthusiasm, like with me in therapy, just constantly fucking up, trying to decunt, but never really being successful.
I love that. It's another great title.
Think about that as a title. You know, you just put like a weird symbol, phone symbol on there instead of the U and you're golden.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I wake up, I have to wake up two hours earlier than everyone, you guys, just to decunt. I'm like, do not be a bitch today.
You are one. Try not to be.
Sure. Maybe spell it with a K and then a U with an umlaut and then you might be able to get away with it.
You're done. Yep.
Good call, Will. Yeah.
I'll use the Kardashian font so that they'll think it's part of that. So when do you start doing that? Are you writing that now in script form? Yeah.
Liz Tucciolo, who's the writer, the writer on it. She and I just sold it.
So we're negotiating, you know, our deal and yeah, we're, we're on it. I'm pretty excited.
I've never played myself on TV. I've never really done a television show where it was acting for, you know, so I feel like I'm in that mode right now.
Uh, you know, late night talk shows. I mean, every time I say I'm not going to do something, I end up doing it.
You know, so I don't want to say I'm never going to do that again. But I don't see myself interviewing.
I like real people. Like I'm on my podcast, Dear Chelsea.
People call in for advice like it was supposed to be a joke. And it kind of turned into something serious because I am that kind of person.
I like people to take risks. And I like to be a cheerleader and a big sister and be like, go do that, break up with that guy, leave that job, you know, stop talking to your mother.
But so I just like that. I like talking to real people.
I like interpersonal stories and I've had my fair share of interviewing celebrities. And now that we have social media, it's not like there's any mystique left in anybody or anything.
So that genre for me, or that medium, I should say, for me is no longer very exciting or challenging. You know, maybe something will happen to change that.
But what about acting? What about how, where does acting sit for you for playing somebody completely different? Does that have any interest to you? Or is that sort of the antithesis of what you're interested in? If it were fun and it was a challenge, yeah, I mean, I do stuff, you know, I was going to do this Netflix movie where I played a principal of an elementary school that hated children. And I was like, oh, that's a fun role.
Like I could get off on that, you know? But then I couldn't do it with my tour and COVID. You have to come in and out of Vancouver.
But I am always open to things like that. But, you know, it's not my jam.
It's, you know, I don't consider myself an actress at all, but I love to have a nice challenge. Right, right.
Yeah, right. I love that.
You know who's acting I love? Who I texted him about his acting is Jason. When I was watching Ozarks, I was… I love the S.
I was, first of all, I was on a panel with Laura Linney for a goop, a goop panel where Gwyneth and, um, in New York city, this was like three or four years ago. And it was Laura Linney, Drew Barrymore, and a couple of other girls.
And they were talking about parenting and, you know, we all had microphones in our hand. And, uh, Laura Linney told the story about how difficult she, what a difficult time she had getting pregnant and that she- I thought you were going to say difficult time working with Jason, but yeah, keep going.
Yeah, that too. She mentioned that too.
And that was why she couldn't get pregnant was because of Jason, is what she said. Did she say it was difficult explaining what a goop panel was to people in the street or no? That was easy.
Yeah, yeah. She mentioned that too.
Yeah. But she talked about giving birth when she goes, you know, I struggled for so long and then I finally gave birth when I was 50 and I went into the microphone, like loudly.
And Laura Linney looked at me and I just went, congratulations, I'm sorry. I just, that is so disgusting to me.
But back to Laura and Jason on screen, I have to say is one of my favorite shows on television because I just love watching Jason out love it love it you nice lady thank you he's very very good isn't he we give him a lot of shit but we love him he's so good at what he does very charismatic Jason always very very on screen very charismatic on screen very on screen definitely on screen, but in person, it's a surprising dud. It's pretty quiet.
Yeah. There's a lot of hate and rage.
Chelsea, thank you for your time. I know you're probably exhausted and this is the last thing you wanted to do today, but thanks for stopping by.
You're hilarious. It was cool of you to say yes.
You're such an original voice and where you think that you're C-U-N-T, we think that you're hilarious and opinionated and awesome. So thank you.
Thank you, guys. So much fun to see you all.
Thank you, Chelsea. Very much.
Great to see you. Have a great rest of the tour.
Even you, Sean. Way to go, girl.
Bye, Chelsea. Bye.
Hello, friends. Yeah.
Chelsea Handler, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah.
So funny. Chelsea's so funny.
Boy, she makes me laugh. I know.
She makes me laugh too. She always does.
She always... Fearless.
She's super funny. She's super quick.
She wakes me up. She's very consistent.
Always has... She is.
Lots of energy and ready to go. Even in casual conversation, you feel like, I gotta be on my fucking toes because she will burn me.
She'll correct me. She corrected you, Sean.
She's stuff and you're like lives for it hey man i love it if i wanted to be with my mom i'd go back to toronto like why are you correcting me but but if you have any if you have if you like to if you like to sling bullshit you're in the wrong room with her yeah i know she's quick yeah i do like that about her it's pretty refreshing you don't have to worry about talking about the weather because that's not going to cut it with her. Yeah.
Yeah. I know.
Love it. I bet her show is great too.
Of course it is. Every incarnation of talk shows.
She's so fucking funny. Yeah, and she does.
I feel like she says the thing that everybody wants to say. Anne says it in a way.
She's always surprising. That's the thing it is.
For me, it's always surprising what she says, like, catches me off guard, really funny, you know, really just, she says things so succinctly, much unlike what I'm doing right now, but she's... Yeah, nice job.
Who's thinking of the bye right now? I am right now, but I think we need to start working on words that rhyme with bye. Oh, now see, I was more interested in just connecting with you guys.
I wasn't thinking about how to wrap it up. No, you know why I brought it up? Because I could see the look on Sean's face.
It looked like he'd been lobotomized. Well, he was writing.
He's been writing for like 30 seconds, trying to figure out things that rhyme with stuff. That's what he does.
You were talking. He was like this.
And he was just trying to think about No, you guys. Almost like he's got like an overbite.
No. No.
I had both eyes. Open eyes.
What? I don't think we're going to allow. Are you saying open eyes? Here's what's funny.
Anytime I try to do it, I get shot down. And you always go real high.
I don't know why. Why does it live high for you? I'll go down here.
I don't know what the word you're saying is. And also, because you...
Here comes Will's try. Will's going to try right now.
I'm not trying. What I'm saying is, Sean, sometimes you'll try to shoehorn it in.
Yeah. Right? You know what I mean? Yeah.
And it just doesn't qualify. It doesn't qualify.
Yeah, it just doesn't feel... We're going to sit here until we get one.
I don't know. How did we back into this, by the way? Should we run the tapes back? When did this all start? Was it on the first episode? The very first one, yeah.
What did we just do? A simple buy? Well, we could do it once. Yeah, we could do a simple buy or we could just agree to do it once a year or we could even do it bi-annually.

No, we've used that one.

Why? Have we used that already?

Bi-annually, that doesn't even count.

We've used every single one.

That's why I wonder if we should do rhymes or just say bi.

How about we just, listener, we appreciate your time.

Yeah, we do.

Or Will, why don't you give them,

well, listener, we've taken up too much of your time.

Shut up, Arnett.

Why don't you get a fucking new goodbye line for our guests, by the way? Okay, I got notes for you. What are you talking about? When do I say that? Well, we've taken too much of your time.
Shut up. I don't say that.
How about it's an hour and we're done. Yeah, we're done.
So thank you for your answers. Who do I say that to? You mean I say that to the guest? I'm just as bad.
I say, oh, gosh. No, you always say, oh, my gosh.

What do you got?

Have you got something on there? How much did you pay them?

Shut the fuck up, Pete, man.

All right.

If we're going to get into this.

And you two chuckles.

Yeah, Sean, we're coming for you next.

So quiet down.

Yeah, you're fucking next, Sean.

Fuck both of you.

How's that for low and not high?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who's this guy?

He was about to bite our head off.

Oh, my God. The fuck was that? Smart.
Nice. Smart.
Nice. Smartless is 100% organic organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant-Terry, Rob Armjarf, and Bennett Barbaco.
Hey friends, Jason here. We're so excited the SmartLess has officially joined the SiriusXM family.
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