"David Cross"

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So the gum's back in.

Wait, this is...

Do you have a date or something?

You can't even tell when I've got the gum.

It's tucked in my lip.

You forget.

I never forget.

Why?

We should tell people who we are first, or do they know by now?

No, we're Smartless, and this is our show, but Jesus, baby.

I didn't know we were recording right now.

I was yelling at you because we were about to record,

and you just put gum in your mouth.

We got to get to the show.

Shut up.

Spit your gum out, and we'll go.

Fine.

There it is.

Happy?

Ew, don't put it behind your ear.

What are you?

I didn't. I put it on the table.
This is SmartLess. Smart.
Less. Smart.
Less. Smart.
Less. I just listened to the radio this morning in the car, and it posed a really good question, and I kind of want to pose this to you guys.
I think I know what it is. Who listens to the radio still? Is that the question? No, it just came on, but let me say this.
Are you human or are you dancer? What does that mean? Yeah, what does it mean? I don't know. It's a song by The Killers, which I like.
I like the Killers a lot as a band. I feel like I'm both.
I think I'm a human dancer. Is that a current band or an older band? No, no, that's a current band, Granddad.
I mean, you know, they've had hits. They sound nasty.
The Killers are, yeah, I like the Killers. They're really good.
They're really good. They don't sound friendly.
Oh, I know, because of the name you mean are you wait are you intimidated by the killers well i'd feel safer around you know me unicorn wings is there a band called unicorn wings um or angel angel angel breath angel hair uh-huh that would that would be they don't sound real they don't rockin', but they do sound like the kind of band I want to start my day with. Maybe, remember Cherry Pie by Whitesnake? Well, it wasn't by Whitesnake.
Whitesnake was Here I Go Again on my own. Cherry Pie was by Warrant.
Oh, Jesus. How about that? How do you, I'm so scared that you know that.
I know. You know what that reminds me of? That reminds me of that movie I want to see that you're in, Will, where you played like a Death Rock guy, like a hair band.
Oh, the rocker. Yeah.
Didn't we have somebody on the podcast that was on that with you? We had... Was it with Galifianakis? Galifianakis was not in it, but the rock band that we, Rayden Wilson was the lead, and he had been in a band that ended up becoming a huge hair band, and the band was me and Freddie Armisen and Bradley Cooper.
Yeah. By the way, Bradley made the mistake of going, day one, I want to have all these tattoos.
I want my character to have all these tattoos. We're like, okay.
Okay, rookie. We We'll see you for the three-hour prequel in the hair and makeup trailer.
Day three hair and makeup trailer where he's there three hours early. He's like, fuck, man.
I really messed this one up. Yeah.
We got to have Bradley on the show. I don't know.
I don't know. We can't book a star that big.
We got to dance a little faster first. I told him.
I told him. We'll have him on after we have Obama on.
Yeah. He's a post-Obama.
Post-Obama booking. In order of billing.
So we do billing. Will, this is your guest today? This is my guest.
And my guest is kind of like the... He's the Bradley Cooper of comedy.
Oh, whoa, whoa. I'll say that.
Can we start guessing? Why don't you give us some hints? You know, we never try to really guess. Okay, yeah.
We don't guess. Why don't you try to give us a couple of hints and let's see if we can get it.
It's the Bradley Cooper of comedy. Okay.
Now, do we buzz in or do we just blurt? Our, okay, our guest, our guest. Male or female? Is a male.
Well, because he would be the Bradley Cooper. You sound unsure.
Comedic actor slash stand-up. He's going to hate all of this, which is going to be great, because he's really going to battle me on all of it.
He's going to come at me hard on this. He's a stand-up actor.
Well, he's going to make me feel foolish for A, our preamble, and B, my description of him. And Jason, that might help you guess who it is, if he's going to clown me.
Somebody who's going to clown you? I mean, is it Cross?

Is it a guy who wrote on the Ben Stiller Show?

Is it a guy who started one of the most impactful,

certainly in my life, impactful comedies of all time,

one of the great shows?

We had his buddy on the show not too long ago.

Bob Odenkirk.

They created a show called Mr. Show.

Well, this is David Cross.

I already guessed it.

On Arrested Development, it's David Cross. Oh, it's David Cross.
David. Woo, David.
There he is. Hey.
He's holding up some kind of pillow. Oh.
Oh, no. Now he's making out with a pillow.
Making out with a face pillow. Yeah.
God, listener, if you could see this Santa Claus beard on our beautiful friend. No, you actually look like Baba Ram Dass.
Thank you. You know who Ram Dass is? Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
God rest his soul. My legally recognized great godfather.
Wow. In Rhode Island.
Wait, do you have other godparents who aren't legally recognized that you— Yeah. I mean, there's some that are pending, you know, and have been kind of in the pipeline for a while i've got about 52 in whales uh oh wow and uh in the animal whales who've been like they're inside yeah sorry i didn't mean the country um oh sorry i thought you meant the country i was googling the country no no they're inside the bellies sorry.
I didn't mean the country. Oh, sorry.
I thought you meant the country. I was Googling the country.

No, they're inside the bellies of large mammals.

Yeah.

Sean, do you know David?

Do you guys know each other at all?

Yes, of course.

I mean, we've run into each other millions of times.

Yeah, we had brunch.

David, is that a crib behind you?

Yes, it is.

Oh, bless your heart.

She can now get out of it, though.

We're in Toronto right now. She's 17.
I don't know why you're still trying to keep her all boxed up. You know, just call it protective.
I'm just looking out for her. It's a big, scary world out there.
Wait, David, do you live in Toronto? No, I'm here. My wife is working on a show up here and uh because of covid we had to move the whole family right because you can't go back and forth without a two-week yeah exactly yeah you're playing uh uh mr mom yeah during all this um i have been able to uh actually pick up even more work than my wife has uh i'm very, very popular and successful.
Male breastfeeding doesn't count as an occupation, David. Well, it says you.
Maybe in Hollywood. What does your wife do, David? My wife is Elizabeth Banks, and she has produced the Pitch Perfect movie.
No way. She's in a couple other movies.
Does her husband know that you guys are together? Yeah. My wife is Amber Tamblyn, and she does a lot of things.
Don't plug this show she's working right now. Don't say the name of it because they don't deserve it.
They don't deserve the plug. Really? Have you seen it? What have you been hearing? No, I'm just saying until they pay us, I don't want them to get the free plug.
But Why The Last Man is what it's called. Oh, David.
Based on a really great graphic novel. Have you ever read that? Have you ever read Why The Last Man? It's really good.
Sorry, all bits aside, what is the book that it's based on? It's a graphic novel. It's the letter Y, like the chromosome.
Why the last man. It's really good.
It came out a long time ago. And do you do a lot of junkets for your wife? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, that's after you guys, I jump off here, I'm doing Kevin and Bean.

And then I'm doing, I'm doing Rain Quades from the Bunker, it's called. From the Bunker.
David, what side work have you truly picked up there in Toronto while she's working? I'm on a show called Station Eleven, which is a sci-fi thing based on a book.

I also did a movie called 8-Bit Christmas.

Oh.

And I did an episode of What We Do in the Shadows, which was a blast.

And you take the baby with you, or does Amber take the baby with her?

Who gets the baby on the set?

We have a widow's walk thing up on the top of the house.

Yeah, she's safe up there.

Yeah, and you just chain her to something

that's just short enough where she doesn't go over the edge?

Dude, I don't chain her.

Sorry, rope.

It's tied up, and it's not like a binding thing.

She is attached. I don't chain her.
It's a soft rope. It's a soft rope.
Uh-huh. David, tell us about one of my favorite shows.
It was Arrested Development. I just love what you did on that.
So the elephant in the room for the listeners is Jason, Will, and David all together were on Arrested Development. If you haven't heard us talk about it, it was this show.
Yeah, make sure it was on Fox. Sean, why don't you describe it? Sean, tell us who our characters were.
Check the wiki page on this description, Sean. He's never seen a show.
They were all relatives on the show. Relatives, okay, good.
They were all related. It's been a minute.
What was the show about? It's been a minute for me. Sure.
So it was just about the Bluth family. That was pretty good.
Did I get that right? Question mark? That's pretty good. Bluth.
And it was Jason's family. And the chaos that Jason's character had to manage.
Everybody was out of control. So Jason had to keep everybody together.
That sounds like you being dragged into Rupert Murdoch's office at News Court back in 2005 on why it should be kept on the air. And that's why it got cancelled.
And you're really scared that not only the show's going to get cancelled, but you're going to lose your job if you don't do a good job explaining why this show's on the air. When's the last time we did that? When was the last time we shot that show?

How long has it been?

It feels like a long time, right?

Are you talking about the reshoots because of how fucked up the actual shoot was?

Right.

Yeah.

Was it 10 years ago?

Jason Stand-In?

Yeah, we had a lot of Stand-In.

There were several.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God.

David, remember being up in, like, where were we, like, Santa Clarita?

And there was, like, all of us. And we're shooting,'re shooting like in this weird all in the line so that we can't see

jason and we're talking to jason stand and we keep fucking around with jason well what about

we did that entire final season without porsche because she wasn't available or something like

that and then we ended up doing all of her scenes on like one or two days she was by herself just

against a green screen and they just cut her into everything throughout the season right yeah they

Thank you. And then we ended up doing all of her scenes on like one or two days.
She was by herself just against a green screen. And they just cut her into everything throughout the season, right? Yeah, they just shuffled her in.
Yeah, and then immediately people noticed. I mean, within hours of it.
Seriously, within hours of it on. We didn't pull that off? Everyone's all over the internet going, what the fuck's going on with the green screen? People noticed.
David, let me ask you quickly, because I forget how it went down, but I remember when you, when we were doing the pilot, you were going to kind of do it. I remember Mitch pitched it to you and you were like, at first, is this right? And tell me if I'm wrong.
You were kind of hesitant at first? I didn't want to, I had basically just moved to New York after nine years in LA and wanting to get out of LA and, and found, you know, uh, uh, an opportunity and just literally got a U-Haul, threw my stuff in it, got, you know, got a, uh, sublet and then just moved. And I would deal with all the ramifications later.
And then I was kind of settled and I just didn't want to go back to do a show that potentially could run for years and years and years. So you signed a one-year deal.
You signed a series of one-year deals. No, but you had like an out.
You had like an— I said I'd only do it if it was part-time for like six episodes, and then we went to shoot the pilot, and that was the deal. And I talked to Joe and Anthony, and I talked to Mitch about the character, da- Mitch about the character and I said, OK, I'll do I'll do it under these conditions.
And then during shooting the pilot, I called my then girlfriend and I was like, this show is amazing. This cast is amazing.
I have to do it. I'm so sorry.
I have to do this. And it's it's over.
Can you send my U-Haul back? You're fired. But David, I remember so many memories for me I remember from the pilot and one of them that really stuck out was we're doing we're shooting all that stuff.
Lucille's penthouse, which, you know, obviously the set that we all got used to shooting on was modeled after, and it was just a function of a location. It was modeled after this suite at the Ritz Carlton and Marina del Rey.
Remember we shot down there? That's where we shot the pilot. Yeah.
And once we were locked into that look, that just became the look for the rest of the series. That was the only reason it was like an available suite to shoot in.
But I remember we were all shooting. We shot all those scenes upstairs over a few days.
And we were staying at that hotel, I think, too, when we were shooting. It was weird.
But I remember you having a scene with Jason. And we were kind of in the living room.
Jason leaves and he walks into the dining room and he says, Tobias, like, how are you doing? How's it going? And you go, it's good. And then there's just a pause.
It's going to be good. That was to me.
It's going to be good. it's going to be good and that moment to me i was like fuck this show is fucking funny david is so fucking funny this is so fucking there was something about that off the moment that stuck out to me and that was well that was often when we were kind of able to improvise a little bit more during the pilot and the first maybe half of the first season you know some of that stuff would make it in and you were encouraged to do that which was kind of fun you know yeah i want to go back to that thing you said which was really interesting you you made a deal where you only did the first six episodes or something is that what you said just six uh not the first six but i wanted to i didn't want to be a full-time i didn't want to I was just, all I heard was like, I I wanted to, I didn't want to be a full-time, I didn't want to move back to L.A.

Yeah.

I was just, all I heard was like, I'm an actor and I don't want to be in something successful. No, no.
I don't want to be in something that's very long. Sounds counterintuitive.
Yeah. I really, I mean, mentally I had to get out of L.A.
I was really. I got it.
And it was good for me. And leaving L.A.
and moving to New York was I got back into stand-up and I went in a direction I had wanted to go through. And also I knew I had to get kind of that stuff out of my system, what I spent the first couple years in New York doing.
And for my mental health, I wanted to get out of L.A. Yeah, I understand.
A lot of actors would be like, oh, my God, there's a job? Where is it? Okay, I'll be there 10 minutes early. Right, right.
And you always had that. You've always had that, I think.
Don't mock me, Will. No, no, no, no.
Jason, not everything has something to do with you, for Christ's sake. God, it's so sad.
David, you've forgotten, but it's worse than it was before. But I wouldn't say that you've gone against the grain, but you've always stood true to, like, kind of what you want to do, and you've always kind of done it your own way.
You know, obviously there are things that happen, and you have jobs that you have to do, and I'm not going to bring up the chipmunks. But there are, not the first one, but the one that they forced you to do, like the third one or whatever it was, which was one of of the funniest and i want to get into that story of the battle you had with that person which was so epic but david you when you started like i always wondered like who are the people that you liked in comedy like who are the people that you looked up to or when you were younger you were like yeah i want to kind of get do that shit because you've always done things to the beat of your own drum.
I mean, I was, you know, as far as like stand-ups, and I think a lot of this is just because of, you know, I was in a rural part of Georgia, suburban rural area, a very heavily Southern Baptist, and I was a weirdo and I was, you know, I mean, there was the amount of like anti-Semitic shit that people just assumed was okay, you know, to say to you. And that's changed? I mean, I think where I grew up now is all Atlanta's sprawling.
You all shoot there. You know what it's like.
I mean, it's a big city now. It's the San Francisco of the South.
That's what they call it. Okay.
Who calls it that? I think I've heard that. I've read that the San Francisco Chronicle.
I it's, it's, uh, it's, it's just like five times as big as it was when I was growing up. And you know, I'm old, this was a long time ago and it was, uh, um, it was just not a good place.
So you really, I, you know, got into comedy and kind of, I loved Monty Python. I love, I would stay up even though it was, I couldn't, I couldn't physically stay up.
I tried to stay up and watch SNL and any of that stuff. And, and I would watch standups on the Tonight Show.
And, and I was way, way, way, way, way into Andy Kaufaufman and it adversely influenced my early stuff i was just a weirdo on stage nothing like i am now i mean i just it took me a long time to find my voice and what figure that thing out but i was i was like weird for weird's sake you know but i wasn't in new york i was at the punchline in Sandy Springs and people like, what the fuck is this? And, um, I drive to Sandy Springs every single morning. Yeah.
And Sandy Springs is closer to the city than where I was. I mean, I was further north and like Roswell Alpharetta.
Um, yeah, yeah. That's gorgeous in Alpharetta horse country.
Yeah. Well,.
Well, I mean, now it's like all connected, but believe me, when I was there, it was, the high school hangout was McDonald's. It was like a McDonald's parking lot.
That was it. There was nothing.
For sure. It was one of those places.
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from Waterloo Sparkling Water at drinkwaterloo.com And now, back to the show. I've been such a fan of yours, David, since Mr.
Show with you and Bob, and forgive me if this did happen, but would you guys ever do that again? Have you guys ever talked about just, hey, you know what? We should go back and just do like 10 episodes or something. We don't own the name.
That's why when we did something on Netflix, we did four episodes. You did, okay.
It was called With Bob and David because HBO. And there's a weird, I'm sure you witnessed this or know of it, but HBO and Netflix are like enemies.
Yeah, they hate each other. They do not like each other.
No, and they won't let people from, if you're on, I remember when we were doing Arrested and Tony Hale was on Veep at the time, remember? And HBO was like, he can do, he can be on a total of 19 minutes and he can't be on the, remember he couldn't be on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? Yeah. Oh my God, that's right.
Because HBO was like, no. That's so crazy.
And it's like, man. Come on.
Okay. But they would not let us say Mr.
Show, HBO. So we...
So to this day, they still own Mr. Show, the name? Yeah.
I mean... It's a feeling like, watch this.
We're going to keep this name forever. Okay.
No, I don't get that sense. I don't think they care that much.
It's just sort of a blanket policy. Like, no, no, no.
I guess if it becomes super successful on Netflix, then somebody worries that they'll lose their job. Like, how did you let them take this thing? Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah. Tell me about L.A.
and what it was about L.A. that felt kind of, it wasn't a fit for you, right? I mean, I try to be really fair.
And I've never said or even felt the, you know, oh, it's a bunch of, it's bullshit. I don't feel that way at all.
In fact, and I've said this numerous times and I've cited you as a big part of this, is the people that are born and raised in LA are some of the coolest, most grounded people I know. And it's really the people who come, you know, from other places.
From Chicago. Like Sean.
Like Sean. Or people from Toronto.
I mean, from Canada, not other places. I didn like sean or people from toronto coming with toronto i mean i mean from canada not not i didn't i didn't move to la until i was 42 so give me a break i lived in new york but by the way i just read this great article about the idea of like romanticizing um in the new yorker i don't know if you guys have ever heard of it it's a magazine um j we this is well established on the show that neither Jason nor Sean ever read a book.
So, but there was a great article about like the idea of when people wear it as a badge, you know, that they're a New Yorker, that they love New York. I'm with you on the same thing of like, and I think I did it at a certain time.
You and I were unarrested at the same, obviously at the same time, but we would, we based out of New York, and we would fly, and we would often fly back and forth. And there was that temptation to be like, fuck everybody from L.A.
And I felt the same way that you did. I was like, no, I know a lot of really great, smart, interesting, talented people in L.A.
And that notion, it's kind of like the New Yorkers you meet here in L.A., older people who are like, yeah, I was born in a, you know, I'm from New Jersey. You want so badly to be identified with New York.
It's okay. It's better.
Okay. There's a bigger, uh, defensive posture from New Yorkers than there is a defensive posture of people from LA, right? New York is the only place where people will preface their sentences with like, well, I'm from New York and, you know, I'm from LA and we, I'm from Chicago and we, you know, nobody does that except New Yorkers.
And, and, uh, you know, they're equally annoying in their own, in their own way. And I, this, this, what I don't care for about la isn't about the people it's just it's a it's a great city for certain personality traits and i the things that are good about la and attractive about la i don't give a shit about the ocean i don't i don't the pacific ocean does nothing for me i don't you don't want to be able to surf and ski in the same day? I thought that was the big seller for you.
You know, I like walking. I like density.

I like community. So where's the most ideal place you would and you think you would end up living?

You would choose to live? Bloomington, Indiana. I'm getting myself set up for it.
Oh shit. You

should have led with that. I'm a bloomer.
No, I bought a place in New York. I love New York.

I'm going to go up for it. You should have led with that.
I'm a bloomer. I'm a bloomer.
No, I bought a place in New York. I love New York.
I've always loved it since I was a kid. We'd go there.
I'm trying not to be like snobby about it, but New York has the things that I appreciate. And I bought a brownstone and, you know, I set up basically roots there.
I plan to live there, you know know for the rest of my life and my daughter is going to go to which is 11 days by the way

it's 11 days did you just hear that really yeah yeah you got a cross forecast yeah i feel so dude

shitty being the one okay man i've i've had a good life and you know i don't let me pull this gun out No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, these new yorkers you're listening you're gonna be like you don't fucking get it like fuck off i lived there for almost 25 years and i i just sold my apartment but i have a place on long island i i love New York too. It's a, for all the reasons that you said, yeah, it's, it's the best.
And also. I get why people don't like it.
I get it. I understand.
I understand why some of that stuff is annoying people. They don't want to deal with it.
They'd rather have space. They'd rather have, I don't like the weather in LA.
I like the weather, you know, uh, some of the time, but I like see, I like four seasons and I like. I don't like sweating on Christmas.
It's pretty depressing out here right around Christmas when it's 75. Yeah.
And David, are you still doing stand-up? Is it something you continue to do on a regular basis? And if not, do you miss it when you're not doing it? Well, I mean, I have to answer that because of COVID differently than I would. Because of what? You don't believe that.
Am I pronouncing that correctly? Survive? Survive? Company vids. Company video.
The guys at Company Video right now are like, are you fucking kidding me? And they just founded it in 2019.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

The timing.

This is the fucking worst.

Get me Johnson in here right now.

First AIDS and now Company Video.

I invested heavily in that candy.

The perfect acronym.

So stand up.

Yeah, I always do it.

It's kind of my first love and the thing that I miss more than anything when I don't get to do it.

And I was actually about – I have like three steps of getting material ready to go out on the road again. And I was, uh, through step one, which is, you know, kind of culling all the material before I start honing it and stuff like that.
And I've been doing sets around New York and like, um, little basements in Brooklyn that seat, you know, 99, uh, you know, a couple hundred people, no more than that. And I was ready to, I was just about getting into phase two when COVID hit.
And so I haven't, I haven't done standup. I did a couple of outdoor shows that just didn't work.
And are you going to kind of pick back up where you were at? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah.
I have so much stuff. I'm dying to get out there.
Yeah. I love, you know, the guys know we ask this to a lot of people because I'm obsessed with horror stories about like the word horror.
Horror. Okay, good.
I just wanted, because when you get slurry it's a little, it's a different question. Yeah, Sean, you to enunciate.
Open your mouth like this. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Tip of the teeth to the tongue.

Wait, Tobias did that once.

I loved it.

So, you know, horror stories about like stand-up

or on a movie set or your favorite horrible like theater story.

I love those stories.

Do you have any like?

David's got a million of them.

Are you kidding?

Yeah.

Because Will talked about, mentioned earlier about the chipmunk thing, and I want to know that story. Oh, yeah.
Let's do it. Okay, so you're doing Alvin.
You do the first one. That's super successful.
Yeah, the first two were fine. I mean, nobody expected it to make a billion dollars, but, you know, I got paid well.
And you've also, not only do you get paid well, I've been with you many times where people like go crazy and their kids love it and they come up to you. Yeah, my daughters are like, why doesn't that guy hang out more often? You said you're friends with him.
Yeah. Yeah.
So this is Alvin and the Chipmunks listener. Kids who are now not kids anymore, but I'll tell you this very, very quick little anecdote about the global popularity of alvin the chipmunks i was in mozambique in a rural beach like a strip of beach where there you had to go through like jungle to get to the beach and uh it was a part of mozambique that wasn't you know populated and was a long way to go to get to where they had very few kind of huts

and hut, you know, not hotels, nothing fancy at all. And it's along the Indian Ocean,

just no one there. But no, there's no city.
There's no streets. This is an hour from any

kind of town. And I go through and there was like this bullshitty rave thing at the...
Well, first of all, hang on. How dare you? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You have a problem with glow sticks in your teeth? Come on.
And my, do I have a problem with glow sticks in my sand? And so I was like, this, fuck this place. Let's see if there's anything and i walk like half a mile down the beach to a another outcropping of you know hut places and i walk in and there's a you know probably a woman in her like late 30s early 40s and like hi do you speak english and she looks up and she goes, Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I'm like, oh, my God.

That's crazy.

You should have steadfastly, you should argue, you're like, what are you talking about?

Look, lady, I'm not here to talk about my career.

I'm not working right now.

I'm not working right now.

Do you want to take a photo real quick?

Oh, my God.

So it's a huge movie. So it's a huge movie.
You do the first couple. The third one, you were working on, David and I, Sean, David and I did a show over in the UK that David created called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.
Yeah, I love that show. And we did two seasons or three.
I can't remember. We did three, but this was happening during the second.
During the second. And you were in the middle of writing the second one.
You had, like, all these hard dates to write it and then production and shoot it. We were in pre-production.
We had already started pre-production. And, you know, obviously, you guys know this affects.
there's a domino effect that would affect, you know, up to 100 people who are, you know, cast and crew and all kinds of people if you – anyway. So, yes, I was contractually obligated to do the third one.
We had been asking for nine months, I'd say every seven to ten days, am I going to have to be in it because of the Todd Margaret situation? And we don't know. We don't think so.
Maybe, yes, there's a possibility. No, it doesn't look like it.
Well, it's a strong possibility. You know, just constantly changing.
And then we got kind of enough of a go-ahead that it doesn't look like you're going to be in it. Okay.
So I go to London and, um, you know, start setting up and, and me and Mark Chappell, who you know well, and, and Sean Pye, we start writing. We've got the production offices.
We're in pre-production. This is right before Christmas.
And my wife, who was not my wife at the time, was over there.

I remember exactly where we were.

We were in Harrods.

And my phone rang, and it was my manager.

And I answer it.

I go, hi, David.

I have, and then list everybody on my team, right? I have him and Jason and then Harrison.

And I know when your whole team calls, it's one of only two things.

It's either really good news or really bad news.

Yeah.

And I go, okay.

And I motion Amber.

I go, I got to take this outside.

I walk outside.

And then the very first thing I hear is, are you sitting down?

And I'm like, I just know it's bad.

And I'm like, okay.

You said you think it's easy to get a seat at Harrods on a Saturday? And they tell me that not only am I going to be in the third Chipmunks, remember this is shortly before Christmas. Not only am I going to be in the third Chipmunks, I'm featured heavily in it.
Also, I need to be in Hawaii where it's shooting for rehearsals, uh, on January 3rd, I think it was. And I'm freaking out and, and they're all anticipating me freaking out and they're telling me how awful they've been and how, uh, and how they said I couldn't do it because, and they go, well, we'll just sue them for breach of contract and blah, blah, blah.
And keep in mind, I was nothing but professional. I think I elevated the part in the movies.
Totally. Oh, you bet your ass.
And, you know, and so I didn't know where this was coming from. It was really not cool.
And, you know, and obviously explained all the things about I'm in production. This is going to affect 100 people.
We can't do this. I can't even be there.
I would have to go to New York to get my stuff and then fly to Hawaii. I have to go home first.
I don't even have anything. I can't.
30 hours of flying. But the kicker is, tell our listener what your basic costume is going to be right so this is great so well this is kind of a separate issue but uh so yeah i'm in a uh pelican mascot outfit uh completely unrecognizable you're inside a mascot so you can't even tell it's him he's in a but you know what i think you guys are you're conflating two different stories the the other part of this once i once we figured it out and i'm like we had to put it on hold and it was just really awful for all the uh the production folks and and the writers and the and the cast who had been cast uh in in London,.
In the States for Todd Margaret. Chappie took it really hard.
Poor Chappie. Mark Chappie took it really hard.
He got really chapped. Well, Chappie, and we should just stop the podcast at one point and say that Mark Chappie, our good friend, he's a very sensitive fellow.
And, you know, just our thoughts go out to him today okay rest in peace mark wait oh he's gone no not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet mark do not rest in peace not dead i just mean i want him to rest peacefully oh when he right okay well that's nice that's a nice sentiment that's sweet okay um so yeah so then we we work it out i'm like i you's nothing to rehearse. And they're like – and they're just making excuses.
They're being really, really mean and petty and vindictive for what reason I don't know. They're just blindly exercising their option.
Like, no, we own him, so we want him for the run of the production. We'll decide what days he works.
Yeah. Yep.
And they – but they were like, we need to get his sizes. I'm like, haven't changed.
I same shoe size. I'm in a mascot outfit guys.
I'm in a Pelican mascot outfit. So sizes don't apply.
What are you talking about? I don't need to rehearse. I mean, everything I do is on green screen anyway.
What are you talking about? And so we eventually got him to let me go back to New York to at least dump my stuff off and get new clothes to bring to Hawaii and Vancouver where the film was finished. But what you were referring to was two, and this is worse, I don't know if anybody's ever been on a cruise ship.
No, I kind of enjoyed that. Oh, Sean, that's where you started, right? Oh, yeah.
That's where Hollywood days, Hollywood ways.

Hi, I'm Sean Hayes with Hollywood Hazed Ways.

Oh, you've seen my show.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Carnival's Relax-a-thon.

You haven't been on a cruise, but you have cruised.

Yeah.

Sorry, those are.

I do 10 to 12 every night.

Every night? Yeah, yeah. And why just 10 to 12? That's when they're out.
That's when everybody's out. You got to pack up early, I guess.
Yeah, I got to make my head. He's very organized.
Look at his shelf. He's very organized.
He also works real fast. He does work fast and hard.
By the way, nobody works harder and faster than Sean Hayes. Sean will call you and go, like, we have five things to discuss.
We have to do them, and it has to be done in the next 30 seconds. You're like, hang on a second, man.
Anyway, so, David, you get to. That is me.
So there's two weeks where they're shooting on a cruise ship, the Carnival Dream, I believe, at that point in time, the second largest cruise ship out on the seas. Stop bragging.
So as scripted, the pelican outfit is on the entire time for the bits that take place on the cruise ship and it's an actual cruise that you guys are shooting on oh here's yeah this this there are so many digressions here because they did not tell the people on the cruise ship that they were shooting, and they would section off.

And I had a whole PowerPoint presentation that I would do in my stand-up where I had images, and I did it to Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings.

Yes, the thing to platoon.

I played the slides, and I did it like Ken Burns style.

And then you would see the real people, the patrons of the cruise ship.

And then you'd see like the hot, you know,

extras that they brought in to be on the cruise ship.

Right, right.

The disparity was flaring.

The disparity is quite interesting.

And let me guess,

it probably wasn't cold on this Hawaii cruise

while you're inside this Pelican fluffy mascot outfit too, right? Oh, Ozarks. That's where I get.
Okay. This has been bugging me and bugging me.
Oh, you've seen it? Have you checked it out? I've seen the ad. It's very blue.
It's a dark blue. Very blue Very blue.
Are you? Very dark. That's your TV setting.
I get that a lot. Everybody's not calibrated their television correctly.
It's actually amber. It's very amber.
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David, I want to ask you one last question, if you would. I feel like you were one of the first people that I know who does what we do, who went kind of, oftentimes people bring shows or formats from Europe, specifically the UK, and bring them to America and generally make them worse, try to remake them or whatever.
You're one of the first people that I knew who kind of went the other way early on. You were, I remember when we were doing Todd Margaret, you called and you, you were like, hey, I'm working on this thing with these guys, you know, on this pilot at the time, running this pilot.
We did a, remember we did a table read one year and then the next year shot the pilot and then the next year shot the first season with the Russos. But you kind of had the idea to go over there, like you identified what, that they, they were going to give you a green light, that they got your sensibility, or that that was just a whole untapped.

It was unusual.

You kind of did it in reverse.

Well, yeah.

I didn't have that much to do with it, though.

It was Clelia and Jane who approached me.

They're doing stand-up, actually.

And they came to one of the shows and said you know do you want to do something

for uh we i think it was with channel four um yeah i was like i was just done the show and i we were drinking and i was like yeah whatever you know they gave me a card okay thanks you seem like nice ladies and i didn't even think about it for like two or three days later and i was like hey, wait, I should do something.

That lady gave me her TV card.

And so they were the ones who kind of had the idea of doing a co-production and then doing it, you know, with Channel 4. I don't know if they had a deal or not, but it was really their idea.
And I should say it's, now it's Merman Productions, which is hugely successful.

Sharon Horgan.

Yeah, Sharon Horgan.

Yeah.

And do you feel, can you take credit for Sharon Horgan's career?

Do it right now.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

She wouldn't be nowhere without me.

She wouldn't have done something prior to me meeting her.

I can't wait for the email from her. David, you just reminded me of something.
When you were talking about drinking, I remember us partying just a little bit back in the arrested days. You mean when you climbed the lamppost? I don't remember that.
Remember that night? I remember that. Wait, what? Were you there? Hang on a second.
No, I left because it was getting we left we left somebody's house and it got bad and then i was like fuck this because you guys were getting too drunk and then what are you talking about are you being serious about a lamppost yeah remember i had jason's belt for like a year yes and we the whole idea was we were gonna wait years to give it to you and then we just forgot it I have no recollection of a lamppost. What are you talking about? What happened on the lamppost? David, tell him.
David, you climbed up a lamppost? No, you did. You did, dude.
I swear on my kid's life, I don't remember what you're talking about. I don't.
I just remember being really... Impressed with my climbing skills? Yeah.
That's what it is. No, I just remember the next day David going, I said, how did it get worse after I left? And David was like, well, at one point we were trying to pull Jason down off a lamppost.
And I was like, oh, okay. It was in front of Laura Stupsker's apartment.
We were over at Laura Stupsker's. And I don't know what made you climb up the lamppost, but you climbed it was like a big one it was like not you know sounds was i in danger yeah what was what what was i doing up there was i trying to saving a cat mainly coke yeah i honestly jason i think that the tiniest little flake of coke came off of your hand.
The wind took it and was up on the pole. And you were just, that was it.
You were. That's the last of it.
I'll get it. But my question is, my life has changed significantly since I have procreated and gotten married.
My question is to you, has your life changed significantly since your sweet, sweet baby little girl and big, big baby girl? Yeah, very much so. I only do Coke once a week now.
Good for you. Good for you, David.
Moderation. Good.
I just, I don't do anything anymore. I mean, I still drink, but not excessively.
And I don't want to. I.
I don't have the desire, you know? Right. You want to get up early and you want to be with your family.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, that was part of it, like being kind of hungover. And, you know, I think it was Amber's turn to be with her in the morning.
And just, but, you know, you get up late and like, what am I doing? This is crazy. It's crazy And I remember one time, like years ago, I hurt my knee.
We were in New York and I hurt my knee doing something. And I called David and I said, uh, I don't know what to do.
My knee hurts. And he's, and you go, um, oh, I got a couple of things that you could, that could probably help.
And I go, really? And he goes, yeah. So I was in the West village.
And so like, I went over to his apartment in the East village and he just like in his hands, this is like 2004, like in his hand, he's just got a bunch of loose stuff. He's like, I think this might be something.
I think this might be something. I was pretty bad.
I, I, I do not, it's nothing I'm proud of. And I don't, I don't.
I took it. I took it.
So what do I do? And the knee, the knee felt great. David, what's the worst that happened to you

when you were under the influence of something?

Were you ever arrested for being drunk or anything?

I had a DUI that was knocked down to whatever a DUI is.

Knocked down to a hard partying.

Yeah.

He was just hard partying.

I spent the night in jail in L.A., lockup,

with like a hundred other guys. That was brutal.
Really? Wait, what was that like? Spending the night with a hundred, I would not do well with that, I don't think. It was fucking awful.
Let me tell you that initially, I was smiling. I thought this is kind of, you know, I was in the little, the area they put you in with like, you know – it's smaller and there's like four or five other guys, right? While they're processing everything.
You can see all the cops and they're – I don't know if you've ever been down there. It's a big, big, big room.
It looks like the DMV and then there's little cells they put you in. There were a couple other guys in there.
And also I was on a date. I was on a first date.
So I had like a nice sweater, you know. You had a nice sweater.
I had a nice sweater. A sweater set.
I had some product in my beard. And I was – I really stupidly, naively was like, this is fun.
This will be a good story. I'll get out of here.
I'm not drunk. This is fine, whatever.
And I'm in there for maybe 45 minutes and the guy is like double glass things into another room. And this guy comes up.
I'm looking out. This guy walks up and just spits on his side of the glass at me.
And I'm like, oh, geez, that's not very nice. And then maybe, and I'm like talking talking to these guys too like what what are you in for you know whatever and and then i think i'm completely under the illusion that i'm going to be let out any minute now and uh they kind of announced my name they opened the door i go yeah okay see you see you guys yeah and guys.
And they lead me down, not towards the desk, but lead me down this hallway. Wrong way.
And the fluorescent lights and the puke green thing. And I'm like, huh, what? And they're like, pick a mattress, pick a pillow.
There's literally these sheets that are rubbery things that are as thin as my pinky and just kind of a hard pillow thing.

I'm like, wait, what's going on?

And they take me down about another eight things.

Turn left here.

Walk on this side.

Don't go on that side.

Stay on this side.

Walk down here.

And then they open up this cell with probably, I'm going to guess, like 60 other guys, a toilet, you know, just a toilet right there. And it gets the wall.
And I. You immediately went and took a dump.
That would be a strong move. If you walked in and did it.
I started to do a set. Like I went over and I was like, yo, yo.
Wait, David. By the way, by the way, David, you did a night in prison, which is bad.

But Jason, tell him one time at the Golden Globes he had to sit in the upper level.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He wasn't even.

He was in the second.

Do you remember?

At what point did they take your cardigan from you?

You know what?

They let me keep it.

They thought I looked cute in it.

A lot of winks. A lot of winks.
A lot of heavy winks, a lot of wet willies, I love the strong move to go take a dump real quick, giving a hard look, and never break eye contact with everybody, guys, you don't want to be over here, that guy is psycho, that guy is a fucking psycho, wow, so how long ago was that david like don't and don't say a year ago no no i was living in la that would have been like 95 or something like that oh so like like mr show time it was like maybe mr show we've done one seat you know did four episodes something like that mate it was way way way early did you get any sleep that night in the in the lockout no no but they also do this thing where they blasted uh acdc

and they kept the lights on and then i don't know what time i got out it was early it was probably like 9 30 in the morning but i did the classic thing not potentially i got out and you know the light the the la sun was so harsh and i'd been inside

you I did the classic thing, not intentionally. I got out and, you know, the light, the LA sun was so harsh and I'd been inside.
I did that, the classic like, you know, with the sun streaming through. I can't see.
I can't. Hailed a taxi.
Was somebody there to pick you up or did you get in a cab? No, I think I pulled, I think I had to pull my car over. So my car was where, in fact, do you know, I don't know if this will ring a bell downtown.
It was like a fountain with really, uh, uh, brightly colored flashing. Then I got the DUI cause I did a UE.
There was nobody on the road. I just was with a girl like, Oh, let's check that out.
Let's go over to that fountain and just kind of did a U-turn. You're a real catch.

Did you ever have another date with that girl?

No.

No.

No.

Shocker.

Yeah.

She didn't even pick you up the next morning?

No, it wasn't.

We just weren't meant to be dated.

Clearly.

It was not about the, you know.

The universe sent you a real clear message on that one. Sean, when was the last time you were incarcerated yeah don't lie uh what time is it wow have you have you ever been like wait i didn't know you could do sound effects yeah have you been locked up i was in college uh i stole a turkey sandwich from a 7-eleven and i had no money and i stole it and outside i was throwing the tomatoes at cars before I eat it.
I was completely intoxicated. It was just delirious with hunger.
By the way, 7-Eleven, Japanese company. I was looking it up on Wikipedia this morning.
I don't know why. Yeah, you got that good read in the New York Times.
Yeah, did you read that story? We're not changing the subject though, Will. When was last time you were incarcerated yeah who me yeah you never never never once so soft you're so soft too smart yeah well i don't know when is that my way out of anything and uh we've talked our way out of david we david we've taken up way too much of your time.
Dude, thank you for doing this.

Oh, man. If anything, if nothing else,

it's reminding me how much I miss hanging out with you.

Yeah, come on.

I miss you guys, too.

I really do.

Sean, not so much, but you guys for sure.

And it's very good to see you.

Very good to hear your voices.

You too, man.

Thank you for being here, David.

Love you, David Cross.

Love you, David.

You're the best.

This is a blast.

Very good to see you.

Sean, Jason.

Will.

Will.

Will.

All right.

So I just leave, right?

Yeah, you just leave, and that's it.

It's just over.

Okay, man.

Thank you, guys.

Thanks, David.

Bye, pal.

Strangers.

Don't be strangers. We won't.
See you guys bye buddy he's um he's the best i mean it really was just a perfect blend of people on that on that uh on that set and that cast he's got such a unique um perspective space there yeah and oh god i really really miss listening to him talking here i always found like he really, he's one of those, God, I really, really miss listening to him. Same here.
I always found, like, he really, he's one of those, you know, when you play, like, if you play somebody in a tennis or you play whatever with somebody who's better than you, it ups your game. And I always felt that way with David.
Like, I felt like he just always upped the game in every scene. He's so committed.
And sometimes he would come in and be so committed

as Tobias.

His delivery is so

fucking funny and dry.

So fucking good. He's so clearly

not concerned with

and I don't, he doesn't mean this I don't

think in an obstinate way but like

I think he genuinely doesn't

care what people think. No, he doesn't.

In the best sense of the, you know,

he's really brave

and unique with his, as you said, with his

Thank you. I think he genuinely doesn't care what people think.
In the best sense of the, you know, he's really brave and unique with his, as you said, with his comedic deliveries, with the way in which he conducts a conversation, with the people he chooses to hang out with. He's completely self-sufficient.
And I did admire that a lot when we were working together. I was just reminded by it.
And I think that also he's got that thing where he is, you know, his comedy is so funny. It can be kind of acerbic and it can be sometimes almost feel controversial, but he is, as Jason will tell you, he's very sweet.
He's such a sweet guy. And the more you get to know him, there's more to love about him.
And what's crazy about the Mr. Show thing, I was thinking, like, that they don't own Mr.
Show with Bob and David. They should just change it

to Mr. Show

by

Bob and David.

That was horrendous.

Smart.

Yes.

Smart.ist. SmartList.
Hey, friends. Jason here.
We're so excited the SmartList has officially joined the SiriusXM family. We can't wait to announce new surprise guests who we know that you'll love.
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