"Stephen Colbert"

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Speaker 1 I'm so glad the other two couldn't make it today. I'm Sean Hayes and I am the host of Smartless.

Speaker 1 It's a show where we used to have

Speaker 1 a bunch of people.

Speaker 2 Can you believe the balls on this guy? I'm Sean Hayes. Hello.
Hello. When they fucking plug my mic in, I'm going to light this kid up.

Speaker 2 Oh, Sean.

Speaker 2 I was just saying, I was just saying.

Speaker 1 I was told that you guys couldn't make it.

Speaker 2 That's weird because I was just saying to my friend, what a great job you're doing on the intro.

Speaker 2 So, where does that leave us now? Just kind of like enjoy the show?

Speaker 1 Yeah, enjoy the show.

Speaker 2 Smart.

Speaker 2 Smart,

Speaker 2 less.

Speaker 2 Sean, Jason said to me the other night he goes, I was FaceTiming him from his apartment. He goes, have you got it? Have you got, like, like as if it was like a, have you gotten into my crackers?

Speaker 2 And I go into his cupboard and I open up, and I had taken a photo of his fridge and all how bare it was, and I sent it to him and Kimmel in Thoreau.

Speaker 2 And then I said, I said, yeah, let's take a look at these crackers.

Speaker 2 They are the most unappetizing-looking crackers you've ever seen why because they're not edged in cheese or um they're not edged in anything it's cardboard with seeds and and then he says i just come back from work and he goes you eat after work and i go yeah it's called dinner you know a lot of people do it they've been doing it for a minute and i was having salad with grilled chicken he's like what are you doing because that just doesn't compute for him because he just

Speaker 1 jason when's the last time you had like a burger or pizza or anything just horrible?

Speaker 2 I had a burger about three weeks ago and it was incredible. You guys should check into it.
It's three weeks ago. Yeah.
I can't. I ground beef and that they

Speaker 2 remembers the date. Oh, sorry, remembers the whole thing.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 That was on the calendar. It was on his calendar.

Speaker 2 The bun was soft, but with a crispy little edge to it.

Speaker 2 I went ahead and had a little ketchup, lettuce, tomato, cheese. Oh, good for you.

Speaker 2 Jason's death row meal, they'd be like, well, what do you want? Most people, you know, you'd be like I want a thing and a chicken and a,

Speaker 2 you know, pasta with a huge thing and a sundae. And Jason's like, if I could have half a slice of a whole wheat pita, that'd be nice.
And a half hour on the treadmill. Is it available?

Speaker 2 Before he passes,

Speaker 2 before they wire him up to the chip. Listen, I've told you a million times, there's a 600-pound man in here waiting to get out.

Speaker 2 I have to stay on the mouse wheel. Otherwise, it's not going to end well.
He's got me on this lemon water now, too, which has nothing in it but lemon and water.

Speaker 1 Guys, speaking of 600 pounds, we have a guy today who has 600 pounds of talent.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 600 pounds of talent. Here we go.
What a description.

Speaker 1 Isn't that a good segue?

Speaker 2 It's the name of his autobiography.

Speaker 1 Huge fan of this guy. I love that you have no idea who it is.
I'm super excited that he's on the show. He's so nice to be here.
I've been a fan of his and watching him for many, many, many years.

Speaker 1 I've never done a deep dive on this fella. And doing so for today, I had no idea we had so much in common.
This is what we have in common.

Speaker 1 I'm from Chicago. He spent quite a while in Chicago, specifically at Second City.

Speaker 2 Not really in common, but go ahead. I didn't know.

Speaker 1 Specifically at Second City, which I also attended classes. He's Irish Catholic, youngest child of a massive litter.
I'm also the youngest of a large Irish Catholic family.

Speaker 1 He has a big love of Lord of the Rings franchise, and I think you guys know how I feel about all of that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, very,

Speaker 1 yeah, a million times. We both grew up playing Dungeons and Dragons.
We both have a connection to the daily show.

Speaker 2 What's the funny?

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Oh, no.
What's the funny? I was just the Dungeons of Dragons. It's just so, so you guys both just crushed a lot of ass growing up.
That's covered.

Speaker 2 Sean, how excited do you get when you hear the sound? Pew, pew, pew.

Speaker 1 I just soiled myself, I think.

Speaker 2 I get so excited.

Speaker 1 He's currently, guys, he's currently in first place in the million year late-night talk show race. My best friend in the whole world, Stephen Colbert.

Speaker 2 Hang on. What? Stephen.
What? Oh, I love the pan down, too. Tilt down.
Tilt down. Tilt down.
There you go. There you go.
That's professional. That's how you get number one.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That kind of technical expertise. Wow.
You're not going to get that from Kimmel or Fallon. Listener, he's in a very erudite

Speaker 2 library home den.

Speaker 1 It's kind of exactly how. By the way, another thing we have in common, Stephen.

Speaker 2 What is that? What is that? What is that? Lord of the Rings. Book Lord of the Rings.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 2 I can't get enough of it. One-volume red book of Westmarch edition of The Lord of the Rings.
Wow. That's the Lord of the Rings.

Speaker 2 All of this behind me on this shelf is Tolkien commentary or the unfinished tales like, you know, the fall of gondolin or the children of Urin. Over here is more Lord of the Rings commentary.

Speaker 2 That's Smeagel. That's Golem right here.
What's this?

Speaker 1 It's wait, is that from the movie?

Speaker 2 Actual hero sword.

Speaker 2 This is one of the fucking swords that was used in the movies. Look at that thing.
How did you get that? Okay, I don't care if you don't like Tolkien or the movies, you gotta like

Speaker 2 getting laid. How do you stop getting laid?

Speaker 2 How are you not getting laid right now? I fight him off with another one. And Doril, which was given to me by Vigo.

Speaker 2 Fucking Vigo himself gave this to me, dressed up as Eric.

Speaker 2 And it was the greatest sex I ever had. Wow.
You and Vigo slept together? Is that 100%? We're making news, guys. 100%,

Speaker 2 as I remember.

Speaker 1 Did you buy those or were they given to you?

Speaker 2 They were given to me. This is actually one of the stings from the Lord of the Rings.
That's incredible.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 And I had to actually pry these both away from my kids because when my boys were young, they would fight each other with it. I'm like, I could pay for your college with this.
Give me that.

Speaker 2 Listen, Stephen, it's great to have you here on the show, man.

Speaker 2 It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure to be here.
Thank you for inviting me.

Speaker 1 Of course. I am such a big fan.
And just right off the bat, Stephen,

Speaker 1 is there some kind of like a mental adjustment you have to make in your brain to go from host to guest? Like, is your instinct to take over an interview when you're the subject?

Speaker 2 Absolutely not. I'm fascinating and I am fascinated with me.

Speaker 2 I am what I do almost every interview i do i'm listening to the person going i could answer this better than you

Speaker 2 i could answer

Speaker 2 i've read your bio i did the pre i know exactly how to kill with this answer and you are shanking this the urge to like just say go let's switch i'm happy to do you like that do you like when when a guest comes on and they kind of freestyles and goes and goes off script basically do you you like that or do you like sticking to it As long as they've got a story, that's all I care about.

Speaker 2 The only thing you don't want is for someone to come on and they say, just ask them about, ask them about their first day on set. Just ask them about first day on set.

Speaker 2 And then you say, so, gosh, big, I mean, you're, you're a young actor, you're there with all these like huge stars. What was your first day on set like? And they go, it was great.
And that's it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Full star. And then you go, like, fuck me.
They, like, they don't, if they say they're going to do one thing and then they don't do it, that's when you just want to.

Speaker 2 open a vein because you realize there's another 10 minutes with this person. The other version is if somebody is super, um,

Speaker 2 hey, man, I just put it out there in their public life, you know, and then you have them on and say, Hey, okay, put it out there.

Speaker 2 And they go, you know, people, people have different attitudes about things. Like they completely back away from whatever position or what their book says.
Right. Or, you know, some women are nice.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, whatever. They, they don't, because they see the audience.

Speaker 2 They see the audience. And they'll say one thing on their stupid news show

Speaker 2 where there's no audience to yell at them, but they see my audience and they go, you know, everybody's got their opinions. And they're worth like that was that's the worst.

Speaker 2 People who kind of play a character. They lose a little courage when they get in front of the audience, right?

Speaker 2 Will you go after them? Will you, will you sort of like privately resent, like, privately,

Speaker 2 you're on my show. You should be, you should be entertaining.
And will you kind of leave them hanging out to dry or will you throw him a lifeline?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, I'm not there to like stick a knife in anybody. I don't like, even on the old gig, I didn't really wasn't there to do that.
That was more of a

Speaker 2 gotcha environment over in your show, Stephen. I'm getting a lot of people.
Nobody wants a real gotcha.

Speaker 2 Well, when when you're there, when you're there, the general feeling from the staff is fuck him up. Fuck this guy up.

Speaker 2 No, I get it. Fuck Will up.
And I like it.

Speaker 2 And they're like, before I go on stage, they're like, you know, you come back with his liver on a stick, or you fucking don't come back at all because we are hurt by his presence in this building.

Speaker 2 Sure. You know why.
Sure, I do know why. And then, and I go, I promise you, I will make him suffer.

Speaker 2 Though I'll tell you someone who actually is actually, I have a pleasant hostility with is that's Jason Bateman.

Speaker 2 Dumb right here because I've interviewed you a couple of times, and I actually enjoy there's a pleasant hostility with you as a guest, and I mean pleasant. What does that mean?

Speaker 2 Don't you feel like there's a pleasant hostility like we don't get along? Well, you're incredibly pleasant, like you're such an enjoyable performer,

Speaker 2 but but there is

Speaker 2 no and no, you said and good for you, okay, good for you, all right, but there is, okay, but there is

Speaker 2 in addition to your pleasantness and your wonderful, charming nature, there's something about you that's a little hostile as a guest. It's anger.
And I can't imagine.

Speaker 2 Hang on a sec. I can't imagine I'm the only host who feels this way.

Speaker 2 And I might be the only one to tell you. I look forward to it.
I love a guest who's a little hostile. Let me just say this for Jason really quickly because you don't know this, Stephen.

Speaker 2 But one of the last times that Jason was on your show, he might have been a little hostile because he was going through something. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me explain my hostility the last time I was on your show. Do you know about this? I don't think he does know.
I actually don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't remember anything about the interviews, just that there was a sense, perhaps it's defensiveness, and the hostility is as a rose's thorns. Still beautiful, but defending oneself.

Speaker 2 Let me say this. Let me say this.
Jason and I were going to do this press thing, and he came and we were meeting at JFK. He was going to do your show, and he shows up JFK late, and he's a sweaty mess.

Speaker 2 And they said, how did Colbert go? And he's like, Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 2 Right, Right, Jason? Is that the setup? That's

Speaker 2 it. You're great.
All right. So here's, first of all, Stephen,

Speaker 2 my.

Speaker 2 Do you want me to tell the story? No, I got it. Is this a true story? This is a true story.
Am I about to hear it? Yes. Yeah, it's a true story.

Speaker 2 Now, I will first say, in my defense, I have a British mother. who has

Speaker 2 very sarcastic and dry. And so my sense of humor tends to be a little like that, can come across as hot.
Okay, I apologize. You also have a lot of anger just below the surface.

Speaker 2 And I've got some anger below the surface. Okay.
So

Speaker 2 here's the story, Stephen. And I will say I will apologize to Mr.
Jimmy Kimmel right now because I told him about this and he said, oh, you got to save that for the next time you're on.

Speaker 2 So screw you, Jimmy. I'm going to tell it to Stephen because Stephen owns it because it was on his show.
So here's what happened. I come to do your show.

Speaker 2 I'm in the dressing room there, which, by the way, has no bathrooms. Okay.

Speaker 2 At least the dressing room I got. The dressing room I got, I did not get the best room.
Then I didn't get the lead guest dressing room. Whatever it was, there's no Johnny in there.
So here I am.

Speaker 2 They put you in the pit. They put me in the pit.
So I'm in the pit and

Speaker 2 my little suit's in there, my little outfit, my little talk show suit's in there. And everyone gets out of the dressing room so I can change into my suit and I put it on.

Speaker 2 And, you know, my wife likes me wearing stuff that's a little tight. And I don't like it, but I guess I lost the battle on this one.
So I put it on. It's a little bit tight.

Speaker 2 And I'm thinking, boy, it could be less tight if I just just let a little of this gas out. I just came from dinner and

Speaker 2 things have built up a little bit. And I feel like if I could just let this one bubble out, things would really work out for me.
Again, let me remind the audience: true story.

Speaker 2 True story. All of this is completely true.
Keep going.

Speaker 2 So, um,

Speaker 2 so how nice is this suit? How nice is this suit? Armani. It's uh, please, what did you say to me? But Hugo Boss.
1988? No, and it's not Hugo Boss either. They make lovely.

Speaker 2 Something I can't even pronounce, probably. Pierre Cardin.
Pierre Cardin.

Speaker 2 So the suit's on, or at least the pants are on, such that I know I need to try to make a little bit more room here. And so I release the valve a little bit.
Out comes

Speaker 2 less,

Speaker 2 well, it's more than air.

Speaker 2 Less than solid.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 what are we to airtime at this point? What are we to airtime? We're four minutes from... Four minutes from.

Speaker 2 you're well done with the monologue. You're probably in commercial break and it's time to walk.
I haven't even got the makeup on yet because the makeup artist is waiting outside the door for me to get

Speaker 2 the suit on. So this is a problem.
And there's a knock on the door. She'd like to get the makeup started.
Stage manager would like for us to be walking.

Speaker 2 So now I've got to, I've got to get the pants off, get the underwear off, and get rid of the underwear in the bathroom that doesn't exist there. So now I've got to bury the underwear in the trash can.

Speaker 2 I've got to top it with some Kleenex or something. A crusty loaf.
We usually have some bread and some stuff. So nobody finds it.
No one's the wiser. No one can, and so anyhow.

Speaker 2 A couple of cans of LaCroix.

Speaker 2 So suits still tight. Now I'm Commando.

Speaker 2 I'm not feeling great about myself. I've forgotten all my funny answers that I worked on with the segment producer on the pre-interview.
Now I'm sweating. I really need makeup.

Speaker 2 I got David Cross in the dressing room next to me ready to pre-tape an episode and he wants to talk.

Speaker 2 And so I let him in.

Speaker 2 I tell him what's happened. He thinks it's fantastic.
He thinks I should lead with that.

Speaker 2 I elect not to.

Speaker 2 I get the makeup on, the powder, whatever. I make it out there and

Speaker 2 I sit down and we do our interview.

Speaker 2 And that is probably the reason I was less than chatty. He just shot his pants, Steven.
You know? I mean, you know.

Speaker 2 Okay, Okay, now, you know, you want to know why I'm mad? If I hadn't appeared on this podcast today, you would have told that story on Kim. Good for you.
When it's my trash can and my green moon.

Speaker 2 Good for you.

Speaker 2 My show where that happened, and you were going to tell that story on Kimball. That's totally entitled to be a good point.
You should be double the angry you are now. You owe me underwear.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Owe me underwear because

Speaker 2 what size? Are we talking? Are you men's, medium? M?

Speaker 2 Will. You're an M, Will.
He's a boy small. He's a boy small now with his diet.
He's a boy small.

Speaker 2 All right. What kind do you like?

Speaker 2 I like a boxer brief. Got it.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 Doesn't crawl up your leg. It's preferably a sort of a rubber saddle to it.
Hang on. There's a great question.
He just asked you: does it crawl up your leg? Does it crawl up your leg?

Speaker 2 Because it crawls up my leg.

Speaker 2 No, it doesn't because

Speaker 2 the fluid in the seat of it keeps it weighted, keeps it weighted down.

Speaker 2 Mild adhesive.

Speaker 2 It's like a post-it note against your ass. You can imagine we're like, he's, how'd it go on on Colbert? Not great, man.
Not great.

Speaker 2 I took a shit in my pants and I had to fucking bury my underwear and I'm fucking. And now we got to get on an all-night flight.
And he's like, for fuck's sake, I'm fucking. He was like, very rabbit.

Speaker 2 You know what, though?

Speaker 1 We can go down this rabbit hole, no pun intended, because I had a similar thing in grade school. I was in eighth grade.
I raised my hand. I had already crapped myself in my jeans.
I was 12 years old.

Speaker 1 I raised my hand. I said, can I go to the bathroom?

Speaker 1 And she said, yes. I left.
I walk into the bathroom. I go into the stall.

Speaker 2 I take my underwear off.

Speaker 1 I throw it into the stall underneath next to me.

Speaker 1 And then I hear all, like, the entire football team come into the bathroom.

Speaker 2 And they go, whoa, dude, what the fuck? Oh, God.

Speaker 1 And they open this thing, the stall next to me.

Speaker 2 They're like, holy shit, that, oh, my God. There's shitty underwear.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And I was shaking. I thought I was going to get literally the shit beat out of me again by these people.

Speaker 2 Oh, bless. Don't we all have those stories? Will, Will, you're up.
Will, you probably never have, bro. Batter up.
No, I'm good. Batter up, Will.

Speaker 2 I don't think I do.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 You have a history with alcohol. You must have wrecked plenty of shorts.

Speaker 2 My life wasn't fucking train spotting, okay? I wasn't, you know, shitting beds. But I will say that I did do a similar thing to you, Jason.

Speaker 2 I was spending the night with a lovely young lady at her apartment years ago, 25 plus years ago in New York City. Just a tremendous date and getting to know you.

Speaker 2 And I woke up in the morning, had a little coffee

Speaker 2 at her apartment. And

Speaker 2 then it got away from me. And I actually ended up opening the small window in her bathroom and throwing my underwear into the courtyard.
So

Speaker 2 I threw it out of the building.

Speaker 2 Stephen, we're going to complete the circle and we're going to go ahead and complete the circle and start the interview. Sure.

Speaker 2 I have one story like that. It involves Conan

Speaker 2 O'Brien.

Speaker 2 I have one story like that. We were,

Speaker 2 people always say, hey, do you late night guys all know each other? Like, I actually am friends with Conan. It's more of a late onset friendship in our careers.
But we were out,

Speaker 2 where were we? We were out in

Speaker 2 Deer Valley

Speaker 2 in Utah. And I was skiing out there with my family.
And Conan called me up and he said, could I ski with you guys? And I was like, ah, you know, and he said, please,

Speaker 2 I have no friends and I frighten my family. And could I.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I said, okay, I'll, yeah, all right. And so we met at the top of Silver Strike.
You guys know the lift up.

Speaker 2 We met at the top of Silver Strike.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it's just me and him because my kids saw him and said, I don't want to ski with him. And

Speaker 2 and they were they were, you know, they were fans of Leno and they said, we don't want to ski with Tony. And

Speaker 2 I made them take a side because I saw like, if you want to be in show business, the most important thing in show business is to be in a camp. That's right.
That's the most like talent. Okay.

Speaker 2 Or like dedication, but the most important thing is to pick a camp in Hollywood and never forgive anyone for anything they do.

Speaker 2 And they said, Dad, we can't because we're a leno. And I said, I understand.
We're a leno.

Speaker 2 And I'm proud of you. I said, I'm proud of you.

Speaker 2 I'm proud of you. You're crying right now.
It should be pointed out. You're crying telling this story about how proud you are.

Speaker 2 And so they went off to do whoever with their mom. And they went to go do that, get a big cookie, size of their head.
And so

Speaker 2 I get on the lift with Conan, and he is, you know, he loves the sound of his own voice. And so

Speaker 1 we're right on the left.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, shh, we got the masks on. There's a chance for nobody to know who we are.
You know what I mean? Because we got the helmet. We got the goggles on.
We got the mask.

Speaker 2 We can actually go out there and enjoy ourselves. And he's like, I'm Conan O'Brien when we're in the lines.
And his helmet is the color of his hair. Like his helmet actually is the color of his hair.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And the back on the back of his, Andy Richter's face is stitched into the back of his jacket.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, this is embarrassing so we get on we're on the we're on the we're on the

Speaker 2 we're on the left gondola because it's on the lift we're not because it's not enclosed which is a big part of the story and we're on the lift going up and he's talking he's kind of obsessed with uh lou diamond phillips at this time sure and

Speaker 2 and he's all he wants to talk about is an officer and uh and a movie you know that thing on history channel that lou diamond phillips used to

Speaker 2 watch like kelly's heroes or something and then he would interview someone saying, How was that tank battle? Was that accurate? And he's like, Why the fuck does Lou Diamond Phillips like?

Speaker 2 What did I know?

Speaker 2 He was in that movie with like Meg Ryan about like some about Denzel Washington and but why does he get to be the guy who interviewed officers and he like he's like he will not let it go.

Speaker 2 He's got he's got

Speaker 2 sorry, no, but you know, because he he's interviewing these people as if he's had military service when he he always like he does like a heel turn and salutes and shit like that.

Speaker 2 So Conan won't shut about Lou Bounder the entire time. And we're going over, and then you know how you're going up and you'll be going others, you're going over ski runs, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And this is out west where like it might take you 20 minutes to get to the top of the mountain. So you're looking at other people and you're judging the way they ski and everything.

Speaker 2 And Conan, he uh, he sees like a little, one of these little like a condalign kind of like toddler ski class going

Speaker 2 by. And he goes, I bet I could take a dump on those kids.
And I said,

Speaker 2 I I said, don't even joke about that. That's

Speaker 2 nice. That's not right.
No, they weren't my kids. But there was like, you know, it was like whatever.
Like they call it the reindeer club or whatever it is, you know.

Speaker 2 And they all, they got the clips on the front of their skis. So they have to be in this.
Pizza, French fry. Pizza, French fry.
Pizza fry the entire time. Exactly.
Right.

Speaker 2 Which is how Conan skis, by the way, it's all pizza. It's all pizza, french fry, which isn't easy in his height.

Speaker 2 And so we're going over one of these runs. I don't know.
It's like

Speaker 2 homeward bound or whatever, one of those things like that. You know all the names of the runs up there.
And

Speaker 2 Conan's like,

Speaker 2 I bet I could do that. And I said, please don't try.
And he said, too late. Sounds like you're daring me.
And I'm like, you're in a full, you're in a full length.

Speaker 2 You're in like a neck to ankle, like one-piece jumpsuit. How are you going to do this? And he goes, Zip, he's got a flap in the back.
And he just scoots it out. He scoots it out over the back.

Speaker 2 And I swear, hand to God, he he yells Torah, Torah, Torah.

Speaker 2 That's his shit war cry.

Speaker 2 He yells Torah, Torah, Torah. And just like,

Speaker 2 have you ever seen like those movies where like a like some sort of rescue squad has to put down a marker in the snow so a helipad? Or it's like the flame retardant coming out of the planes.

Speaker 2 It's the same color as his hair.

Speaker 2 100%. A bright orange waist comes out of bone.

Speaker 2 And just like, it's like he lives just on Dorito dust. And it just

Speaker 2 absolutely he dropped it like when he dropped it, like one of those planes that's firefighting. Sure.
And just and literally knocks these kids down. Lesson over.

Speaker 2 Knocks them down. Oh my God.
And with just a high-pitched cackle.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I'm like, are you okay? That is not.
And again, the color, again, was like, remember when Cont before he wore the wigs? Yes.

Speaker 2 Now it's all, when he still had hair? Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 he's all proud. And I got to say, I'm impressed.

Speaker 2 Of course. I got to say, a man his age, that control.

Speaker 2 Again, this is 100% true. 100% it has.
100% true.

Speaker 2 He might remember this story differently than I do. And we've never talked about it.
You've never talked about it since.

Speaker 2 From that moment, we never talked about it. We made a promise.

Speaker 2 He looked at me and his pride, it went from like pride to deep shame. He goes, I want you to swear that not only did you not see that.

Speaker 2 Like you'll never say anything, but you'll never say we went skiing together. And I said, I won't ever say anything about us skiing together if you never say anything about it.
Didn't that day?

Speaker 2 That second, from that second didn't happen. Fuck around.
We so appreciate the trust. And one of the reasons was, is because we get to the top and obviously who's up there? Cops.

Speaker 2 Like they're like,

Speaker 2 sure.

Speaker 2 I thought you were going to say Lou Diamond Phillips. Jesus Christ.
Christ, what a ride. Today's episode is sponsored by Ashley.

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Speaker 2 Over 7 million kids are affected by the welfare system and over 368,000 are currently in foster care.

Speaker 2 So together with Ashley and SiriusXM, we made a donation to four others, an organization working to end the child welfare crisis in America.

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Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 let's begin the interview. Sure.

Speaker 2 And I just want to say, I do want to add one more thing, if I can, before we start the interview. And none of this is recorded, right? We're not pleased with this.
No, no, no, this is all recorded.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is all pretty.

Speaker 2 The one thing I want to say is that, again, as we remember things differently, and he'll remember it differently than I do if he ever talks about it again, is that the one thing I know happened is the Lou Diamond Phillips shit talk.

Speaker 2 That's the one thing.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure about the rest of it.

Speaker 1 Stephen, welcome to the show.

Speaker 2 Stephen.

Speaker 2 Good to be here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank you. And I love your short stories.
They're going to cut together great.

Speaker 2 So, listen,

Speaker 1 I have been such a fan for so long. We don't have to go through your whole, I mean, people might find it interesting.
I know they would. I know I would, but I don't want to bore you with you.

Speaker 1 So I want to know, though, the trajectory of the late show with Stephen Colbert, because I feel like when the show now feels like it's different than when it began a little bit.

Speaker 2 It's different than it was a year ago. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you, at the beginning, did you feel like you had to conform into Letterman's kind of format or any pressure like that? And then realized, wait a a minute, I need to do my own thing here.

Speaker 1 Like what steered it in the direction it is today?

Speaker 2 Just trying a whole bunch of different stuff. Like when I, when I started, I had never been myself before.
I was like, I'm not a host. I like hosting parties, but I'm not a host.

Speaker 2 I didn't even know what that was. I'd always, even the Colbert report, that was a 10-year sketch.

Speaker 2 Like I did a 10-year scene. I was doing a character.
Really, like that guy and I are not the same guy. And I worked really hard to never leave character.
Like I worked really hard.

Speaker 2 like before i went on stage every night i'd slap myself in the face hard like really just to wake myself up and i'd look in the mirror and go hey don't drop it now like you've been carrying this plate of glasses for like six years don't drop it now what was the purpose of carrying it for six years so i tried to stay really you know it's a character you wears lightly as a hat as the saying goes, lightly as a cap, but I still tried to keep it on.

Speaker 2 Then I go over and I go, okay, so me, what do I want to do? I don't know. So I just kept doing different things for

Speaker 2 I'd say six months. And then one of the things I was doing at the same time was actually show running the show.
I was, I didn't have a showrunner. It was me.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Which I, it was I had the old show. And I thought I could do both.
And

Speaker 2 I kind of lost my mind. I'm like, I can't.
I can't. I'm not thinking at all about what I want to do comedically.
I'm thinking about running the show. I got to say, Stephen, it really struck me.

Speaker 2 I noticed one of the last times I went there,

Speaker 2 we did a bit and I came in a little bit early. We rehearsed it.

Speaker 2 and then uh and then i got a knock on the door and one of your writers somebody on the show said hey we're downstairs stephen's rewriting the bit right now if you want to come down because he's kind of changing it and i was so shocked by how close it was to showtime and you were downstairs and you were you were driving you were at the computer and you were the one who was doing it and taking ideas from everybody and you were the one who was actually physically changing the bit yourself and i thought wow that is so what a high wire act you're about to go out and do the show oh i still do that that never changed that's incredible.

Speaker 2 I'm talking about the show business side of it. Like, I literally had somebody can, I take all the show business side of it.
So all I could think about was the comedy.

Speaker 2 And then that, that changed the way I did my entire day, which let me just think about, okay, I'm just a comedian and a performer here.

Speaker 2 And that's when I found out what I liked and what I didn't like about what I was doing. But that level of control was like, it was, you know,

Speaker 2 I still,

Speaker 2 I mean, I can't imagine not like working on it till the last minute.

Speaker 2 I can't imagine that because every day is this metaphor Jon Stewart and I used to use back when I used to work with that guy is it's like a distillery.

Speaker 2 Like the morning you get the pitches, that's like the corn. And then you mash it with the first draft.
And then you take that mash and you check the alcohol level and you go, okay, let's rewrite it.

Speaker 2 That's actually to put it in the little thing and to get the pure alcohol out of it.

Speaker 2 And then the last rewrite, that thing in the room right before you go on, that's where you try to make it the way I would say it. Then you try to get it in your own mouth feel.

Speaker 2 And that mouse feels like that's when that's oak aging or something. You know, that's putting it in the barrel.
So it turns into whiskey. And you can't always do that, but it's always the goal.

Speaker 2 I'd hate to not try. And it's not like you look at it and go like, oh, shit, that's brandy every night.
Sometimes it's just moonshine, but you want to try to make it brandy if you can.

Speaker 1 Did you ever show up and it's in great shape right off the bat?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've got, well, listen, I don't know because there's a process that happens before I ever see it.

Speaker 2 There's the pitch in the morning, which I always hear, and I weigh in on which of those I like. You know, we might get eight pitches, and we'll write on guys will ride on five or four of them.

Speaker 2 And so, sorry, what does that mean? You get eight pitches, eight pitches of jokes, or eight pitches of ideas to do

Speaker 2 areas, either stories, like because

Speaker 2 this is for a monologue or for after monologue. This is for a monologue.
I mean, there are other, there are other refillables that get written more like buckets, you know, like they're not as timely.

Speaker 2 But the monologue, that first 15 minutes of the show, that is,

Speaker 2 for lack of a better word, like that's the national conversation. What are people talking about today? And we don't, we don't dictate that.

Speaker 2 We literally have a guy we stole from Anderson Cooper, who's a wonderful researcher named Brandon. We go, Brandon, what's the conversation? Where are the news trucks in the world right now?

Speaker 2 What's what? Because I'm going to talk about that thing that the audience has heard all day anyway and have their own anxiety about it. What's the deadline on that? We record the show at 5.30.

Speaker 2 Cutoff is about 5. Right.
We have a late breaker team. We have a team that starts writing around 3 o'clock-ish.

Speaker 2 And the late breakers, before we put this script to bed around 5 or 5.15, we go, late breakers, got any mini chunks, we call it. Anybody, anything getting chunky upstairs? We got any mini chunks?

Speaker 2 And then we go, oh, we got maxi chunks because there was just a press conference or a new vaccine just came through or what, whatever it is. What's going to lead all the cable news tonight? Right.

Speaker 2 Is what we're thinking of. What's the lead? Because that may not be what we lead our monologue with.

Speaker 2 We might lead with something silly that just sort of like puts a little gas in the engine for the audience, but we're going to talk about whatever it is.

Speaker 2 We try not to ignore whatever the thing, even if it's tragic, sadly, because we don't make jokes about it, but we don't want to say, like, hey, we didn't have the same experience you had as an audience tonight.

Speaker 2 That process took about six months to create.

Speaker 2 The way we do it. it.
And we've been doing that for about

Speaker 2 five years now. Sean mentioned at the top

Speaker 2 when he was introducing you that

Speaker 2 you were at Second City in Chicago. I know that

Speaker 2 you were part of that whole gang.

Speaker 2 By the way, who are your kind of your contemporaries when you were in Chicago? Because everybody has kind of different classes that they were with. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, there's two different things.

Speaker 2 There's the people you watched

Speaker 2 who you wanted to be your contemporaries. And then there's the people you performed with.

Speaker 2 So in your mind those people you watched are also sure like the people you were watching like the people i watched the people who i first saw improvise actually not at second city but at this little club in chicago called cross cross currents it was called cross currents and it was under the belmont l and just really really divey little place dave pasquese do you know guys dave yeah Pasqueze was the first guy I ever saw and went, oh, I want to do that.

Speaker 2 I want to, whatever he's got, I want that. That little secret he has when he walks on stage.
I don't know what it is, but I always want to know what it it is.

Speaker 2 Like, how can you, today I still, like, I kind of still want to be Dave Pasquesi, especially his ability to improvise. But who else was there?

Speaker 2 Mike Myers was on stage and

Speaker 2 Tim Meadows was on stage.

Speaker 2 No, Corell was, Corell was essentially my same generation. He was about.

Speaker 2 He was about a year ahead of me. Second City works like a rep.
Right. Yeah.
Like you, you come in and you learn, you learn like the last 40 years of material and you do that on the road.

Speaker 2 He was in that process, like six months to a year ahead of me in that process. And what about like Amy, Amy Sederis?

Speaker 2 Hired on the same day because there's a big casting call every year. Like the

Speaker 2 300 people come in and they pick like five, four, or six. My year, the people who were hired that August were, which was 1988, I guess, was me, Rose Abdu,

Speaker 2 Amy Sederis,

Speaker 2 Paul Danello,

Speaker 2 and Chris Farley. Wow.
Wow. Wow.
And Greg Hollman, but Chris Farley. So first six months I toured with Farley.
God, he toured around the country. He could do no wrong to me.
Funniest guy.

Speaker 2 You know, people don't talk about Farley enough. People don't.
I agree. He deserves a deeper memory in comedy.

Speaker 2 He's written off as just kind of like this big, dumb, sort of goofy who did big physical stuff, but there was such a purpose there. It was so sharp, right? He is.
You're right.

Speaker 2 That's how he's written off. Not a dumb guy.
It's so specific and so, and

Speaker 2 it was so spot on. And it was so, so specific, right? So spot on.

Speaker 2 Just,

Speaker 2 he and Sederis had this thing. Like, I remember that I saw them before I worked with them.

Speaker 2 I saw them on stage because they were actually, we were hired, but they were actually placed in the company first. And so I was literally still like waiting tables there.
And

Speaker 2 I saw both of them on stage. And I went, who are those people?

Speaker 2 First

Speaker 2 thing I ever saw Amy say is she walked on stage, door bursts open, there's this tiny little bundle of energy.

Speaker 2 She goes, oh my God, you've got a wet bar and just starts flapping like that and runs over and goes

Speaker 2 now i want to see the cocktail she's going to make and i went i want to i want to work with her and and then me and paul and amy ended up essentially working together almost every day for like seven yeah and you created strangers with candy we were like we were in a common law marriage yeah for the next seven that's great and strangers with candy is one of my favorites yeah it's fantastic did you i heard that once you described amy as um

Speaker 2 like an idiot savant without the savant is that true

Speaker 2 as a joke as a joke to her to her

Speaker 2 oh no she knows yeah yeah she knows no that i yes i think that i think that might be uh her own accurate that might be her own interpretation of herself she would sit in the corner as we would like write changes with candy and of course everything is written for her and around her it's all built around like what can we build around her yeah and paul and it'd be like three o'clock in the morning and we'd be slapping on the keys going okay where do we go with this and we'd be just sitting there in like the horror of the clock whizzing on the the wall like the hands going around like we have to shoot this tomorrow and then amy would go like but what if it was a squirrel and we'd go what she's like what did i say like you said something about a squirrel

Speaker 2 she would and and it would be exactly the right thing in that moment and she wouldn't necessarily know that she had absorbed every problem we were trying to surmount and she would just blurt out exactly the right answer exactly when we needed it so the wheels are always turning inside that little coconut sized skull of hers but

Speaker 2 and she's one of those people who makes me laugh more than any. I just, I can't, she's like a drug to me.
Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 1 But speaking of that, Stephen, like just thinking really fast, you, you have such a fast brain.

Speaker 1 And I love that you, you're like, you know, wishing you were, had great, as great of improv skills as some of the people you grew up with, but you do. I mean, your brain works so fast.

Speaker 1 Is it frustrating

Speaker 2 to be with people like you who aren't? Yeah, who's really sad?

Speaker 2 Is this agony to actually be doing anything with you to deign to condescend

Speaker 2 to appear on your podcast?

Speaker 2 Are you ripping paper? No, I am enjoying myself. I'm enjoying myself.

Speaker 1 No, but is it frustrating being around people who don't think as fast as you or work as fast as you or work as hard as you or anything like that?

Speaker 2 No, I actually don't think of myself as that great of an improviser. I mean, I know a lot of people who are better than I am because I don't think it's necessarily about being fast.

Speaker 2 I think it's being like honestly reactive because, you know, I, not to get too spiritual here, but

Speaker 2 the first guy I took any classes with was Del Close.

Speaker 2 And while there are, you know, there are people have their own opinions or pros and cons about, you know, Del Close, I don't have much of an experience with him.

Speaker 2 But he, one of the things he said was that don't think that it's you.

Speaker 2 Don't think it's you that have to do this. You actually have to be reactive.
And just the universe is going to do it.

Speaker 2 If you actually do it right, it's just happening.

Speaker 2 You won't know who did it. if you do it right.
And I think that's that's sort of in some ways the opposite of quickness.

Speaker 2 That's vulnerability. That's vulnerability.
And there are people who are great, vulnerable performers who I'm incredibly jealous of because I still have a need to please.

Speaker 2 And that can get in the way of me actually being a good improviser because you want to score. Don't you consider what you do on your show,

Speaker 2 your conversations with people as improv? I mean, I have to do that. Yeah, I mean, I do.
Sure. Being able to just be on your feet and be listening and then.
Yeah, it's not.

Speaker 2 I mean, to me, the old show was more like improv because there was a character choice and then

Speaker 2 making, you were making performance choices in the moment. That was really improvisation.
This one, I'd really, especially now in COVID, I just tried to actually have a conversation with someone.

Speaker 2 It must be kind of harder now, just being yourself in a certain way than spending all those years where you could, you were playing a character and getting now it's because you have to be much more honest, again, without being too sort of, you know, corny, but you're being much more, just being yourself and being vulnerable in that way is probably more more difficult.

Speaker 2 Yes or no? It was for me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is for me. I mean, now I wouldn't want to do that old guy.
Right. Right.
I mean, I didn't want to do that old guy anymore anyway. That's why I left.
It's not like I got fired.

Speaker 2 I still liked doing him, but I wanted to leave while I still liked it. And I never intended to be doing what I'm doing right now.

Speaker 2 Matter of fact, I already made the decision to leave that show before I was offered this one. That was, this was 100% a happy accident.
Oh, wow. I had a whole other plan.

Speaker 2 I had a whole other thing I was going to do. What was that plan? What were you going to do? I still want to do it, so I don't really steal it.
But I, honest to God, that's how showbiz I am.

Speaker 2 I was going to put that character into a narrative. I was going to put that character into an honest to God, like half-hour show.
Oh, this is still connected.

Speaker 2 I wanted to follow. I wanted to follow what he was going to do next.
Yeah, but nobody can steal that idea because half-hour play the comedy starring sort of like the character from Colbert's report.

Speaker 2 Single camera or a multi-camera. And I can tell you what it was going to be.

Speaker 2 I'm going going to tell you what was going to go with it is that in 2012, what gave me the idea was that I had all this money because I started a super PAC.

Speaker 2 I started, I raised $1.3 million,

Speaker 2 which scared the

Speaker 2 Jesus out of me, by the way. We started as a game.
Like I, I, on the old show, I like to always just do everything real.

Speaker 2 You know, and as my publicist once said to me, Carrie Bylick, my dear friend, she once said to me, hey, I need to ask about this running for president thing.

Speaker 2 Everybody's calling me and I just want to get, you know, everything nailed down here so I understand.

Speaker 2 Is this a joke or are you running for real?

Speaker 2 And I said, well, if it wasn't real, it wouldn't be a joke. She goes, got it, got it, got it.
And that was the way we did it. I wanted to do everything for real.
I really had a superback.

Speaker 2 I really wanted to raise money because I really wanted to see, I wanted to be the joke. The character was the joke.

Speaker 2 What made it easier for me is that anytime you would approach a subject, there is a base code of joke because the character's a joke.

Speaker 2 I could approach any subject and there would always be some level of comedy

Speaker 2 because the character would be the joke. And now there always has to be a joke.
And that's what's harder about now. I don't have to turn that extra knob to do the character.

Speaker 2 And there are times when I really, I really do enjoy being myself. And I actually enjoy interviewing people more as myself.

Speaker 2 But I think it requires more of my writers in a way because they actually, our joke per minute ratio has to be much better because it's it's setups and punchlines.

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Except now, the dastardly desk clerk is saying he can't confirm your connecting rooms. Wait, what?

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Speaker 2 Do you give yourself the credit that you deserve for being such a great actor by playing that character as well as you did with no winking, no nut to the point where...

Speaker 1 By the way, Jason, sorry, for Tracy in Wisconsin, we're talking about the Colbert Report. Just so people know what the, we've never said what, we just keep saying the character.

Speaker 2 Where he played

Speaker 2 a fervent right-wing um

Speaker 2 what would you call it um

Speaker 2 pundit guy yeah so

Speaker 2 that that took that took acting somewhere i question hold on one second i'm gonna interrupt you please i'm the host uh sean i question i question whether tracy in wisconsin hearing colbert rapport if that helps her any more than knowing that I'm Stephen Colbert and saying character because if they don't know Stephen Colbert used to do a character I don't think Colbert report is going to tip them off okay just calm down about all of that and let's just keep going.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to give you the hostility that I got. I got it.
It's coming through. It's coming through.

Speaker 2 And that's the cycle of abuse. That's the cycle of abuse.
Still trying to finish my goddamn question. Oh, well, I would love you to fucking start it.

Speaker 1 Hey, Stephen.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 So, given all of that great raw acting talent, do you have any desire to play characters, like have like a acting career

Speaker 2 in and around your show?

Speaker 2 In and around my show. Now, the show takes all of my time.
You know, like,

Speaker 2 I'd much rather produce other people's shows. Like, I'd much rather take this and help people the way I was helped.
That's what I'd like to do, like, while I'm doing my show.

Speaker 2 I think to really do a good job, I'd have to stop doing the show. And I enjoy doing the show.
I don't want to be, I don't think I could do like a side hustle as an actor.

Speaker 2 But could you, could you see yourself doing, like you were just mentioning, you know, the show that you wanted to do based on your character from Colbert Rapport?

Speaker 2 Could you imagine taking that character and producing it and potentially writing it and whatever and running it and having another actor say like a Lou Diamond Phillips playing you

Speaker 2 is that something that you would consider and again knowing wait a second I was gonna say no okay I was gonna say no

Speaker 2 until you said Lou Diamond Phillips just to get under Conan's there could be a natural sort of war angle to it as well just knowing that Conan is so mad at him because Conan's like where does he get off right Conan could do like a like a guest arc like a stunt arc on it producing itself so but could you know but all bits aside, could you, could you see yourself producing like that idea that you had that you wanted for you, producing it for somebody else?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I got that. I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather do something else because that I, I specifically, there was things I wanted to do with him that were ways.

Speaker 2 What I liked about him was how he clanged up against the real world, like going out into the real world. And it really upset people almost every time I did it.
It was so funny.

Speaker 2 And, and, and now, I, I, I honestly, I like people to like me as much as the next person. Sure.
And so now, honest to God, like, you know, I actually don't, I love the audience.

Speaker 2 I don't, some people have like a hostile relationship to their audience. Like, I never feel like it's the audience's fault if the show doesn't go well.
I never blame them. It's always me.

Speaker 2 That's my job.

Speaker 2 They're amateur

Speaker 2 professional.

Speaker 2 And so I like people to like me. And so

Speaker 2 this is such a different job. Whereas that old job,

Speaker 2 it was okay if they didn't like me.

Speaker 2 That was kind of the purpose of him going out into the world was to see what this kind of character would be clanging up in his most extreme state with real people who weren't in on.

Speaker 2 And given that, do you think in today's political climate that you could do that show today? And

Speaker 2 no, I don't think, I think

Speaker 2 it would poke the bear too much, wouldn't it? I think it would be too dark. I think our political climate has gotten, I could feel it.

Speaker 2 That's one of the reasons why I wanted to leave is I no longer wanted to, as I said before, that I no longer wanted to sip that cup of poison because you had to sip a little bit of it.

Speaker 2 You had to titrate it a little bit to go do the character. Yeah, and I just couldn't even look at those people anymore.
And now I would never.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine having to leapfrog the guy who was just to be worse than him? No, I know. Because he literally quoted my old character at times, literally, like word for word.

Speaker 2 What's the reaction you get when you go back to the south? You're from

Speaker 2 the south. Yeah, I'm from South Carolina.

Speaker 2 All roads lead north from South Carolina. Sure.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 1 That's good.

Speaker 2 What's it like?

Speaker 2 It's fine. I mean, I don't know.
You still have family there? Yeah, yeah. And I married a girl from there.
So, like, there's no debate about where we go when we have time. We like to have a place.

Speaker 2 We have a house right across the street from her sister. It's like really.
Oh, that's great.

Speaker 2 And her parents live in a block and a half away. And my sister lives about a half a mile away.

Speaker 2 When you show up in town, you don't have to wear a heavy disguise for

Speaker 2 protection. No.
No, I don't think.

Speaker 2 I'm happy to say I don't think anybody cares about me. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 We do. Here at Smartless, we do.
I don't get fanned at, and I don't get hostile at. I'm just.

Speaker 2 Unless I'm sitting in the guest chamber.

Speaker 1 And is anybody, because you come from a large family like me, but not as nearly as large as yours.

Speaker 1 Is anybody else in the family, like, first of all, 11 kids you grew up with, there's got to be a gay one in there. And

Speaker 2 not that we know of. All right.
Well, hang on. Not that we know of.
Hang in there. The door is open.
Sure. The door is open.

Speaker 1 What was it like growing up in such a massive organization?

Speaker 2 Normal. You know, whatever happens to your childhood is normal.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 So it felt perfectly normal. It wasn't until

Speaker 2 I had no sense of it until I was in first grade. So I'm in first grade.
And the very first day of first grade, we all, the teacher, I forgot, Mrs.

Speaker 2 Poole, I think her name was, and we all had to sit up on the back of our seat, like with our butts are on the back of our seat, our feet are in the seat of the seat. And we're all to sit up there.

Speaker 2 And she's going to hold up her hand, fingers. And when she gets to the number of children in your family, sit down because she's trying to get to know us.

Speaker 2 And she gets to 10. And I'm still sitting up on the back of my seat, and she thinks that I can't count.
Right?

Speaker 2 She's like, I'm the troubled child because that's what that's why she's doing it to see if kids know how to count.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 this is 1969, South Carolina. This is just like two steps away from Tequilla Mockingbird, this community I'm in.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the Yules live right around the corner.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 that's when I found out that it was unusual that you had that many kids in that family.

Speaker 2 And are you trying to replicate that? Do you have a bunch of kids running around there? How many do you have? I'm trying to, but so far, just three. Just the three.
Just three, but I'm not giving up.

Speaker 2 Do they know what you do? And my wife is listening. I'm not giving up.

Speaker 2 Do they?

Speaker 2 We're both in our late 50s, but you know what? Have you heard of Abraham? Yeah, this is very threatening, man. Again, you might want to bring the tone down.
Go ahead, Jason.

Speaker 2 Do they know what you do? Do they appreciate you, your humor? Do they give it up? Or is it the toughest audience in the world like the rest of us?

Speaker 2 It's a tough audience. It's a tough audience.
I mean, I think they appreciate what dad does. Yeah.
It's a tough audience. Evie's still a good audience.
That's nice.

Speaker 2 She's my audience now because I got no audience.

Speaker 2 When she comes in and sits in the extra little red chair in the storage closet where I'm doing the late show right now, that's it. Like, that's as good.

Speaker 2 I mean, I actually said this on the show the other night. When I started off, I thought like, God, I wish I could make an audience laugh the way I make Evie laugh.

Speaker 2 I could make it.

Speaker 2 Honest to God, because it was like, I could feel like the honesty and like the intimacy. Because really, that intimacy, like, what do you want?

Speaker 2 Like, there's a sense of community with an audience if you get it right. Right.
You know?

Speaker 2 And now she's it. That's it.
Like, she's the one I'm making laugh. And it's kind of joyful and kind of wonderful.
And as sad as the last year has been, that's been a marvelous thing.

Speaker 2 Because she was, she, she and my, the kids were my crew down in South Carolina.

Speaker 2 We bugged out one year ago yesterday we left the ed sullivan theater yeah wow and we went down to south carolina to help take care of her folks who are like you know in their 90s and they couldn't have any anybody come in and help them so it was just you know really evie and her sister taking care of them so we were down there right down the street and we couldn't let crew into the house we had a satellite truck parked on the front lawn killing the grass and they ran cables in through a spare bedroom window where we packed foam around it, try to keep the bugs out.

Speaker 2 And I put a kitchen stool next to an old desk from her family. And there was a TV in there.
I could put graphics up on it.

Speaker 2 And the first thing is my middle son, my daughter's, you know, in her 20s and out there with a job, but she was working, she was like working online in the kitchen.

Speaker 2 And my eldest son was my crew for the first couple months. And then he's like, I'm, he was finishing up college.
He's like, I'm literally not going to graduate if I keep doing this, Dad.

Speaker 2 So his younger brother, who was finishing up high school, both of them robbed of their senior years, you know, their worst, their worst things, but it was, I felt bad for him.

Speaker 2 Then he took over in tag team. And then both of them are like, mom, like, well, we won't, I won't graduate from high school.

Speaker 2 So then Evie took over and then she was my crew, and which was just kind of great. And it was really like the old 19th century.

Speaker 2 Everybody's going to pitch in and help dad down at the lumber mill because we've got the pine, you know, the new lodge pole pines are coming in.

Speaker 2 We've got to make flooring or whatever they did in the 19th century. So So did they laugh at the jokes? No.

Speaker 2 Everyone laugh at the jokes, but I don't think that my boys cracked a smile for five months because that's how long we did it. But they weren't really paying attention either.
But what they did,

Speaker 2 because they were just doing the technical aspects of it. But it was like lighting, sound, cameras,

Speaker 2 switching over like channels and everything, communicating with the people.

Speaker 2 They're on the headset, talking to the virtual control room. It's basically a live show.
No way. Live show.
100%.

Speaker 2 Craig, the kids on the headset going, hold on, dad, we're switching satellites or whatever. That's what my boys are doing for me.

Speaker 2 And then my daughter's doing my makeup. And then.
And CBS catches when and they go, oh, we could do this a lot cheaper. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Well, we actually, we actually had to get a union waiver. It was like an emergency.

Speaker 2 Like you literally, because it was emergency COVID, the union said, okay, you can do this.

Speaker 2 But it was kind of an amazing thing, but they got to see what my, I loved it because I think it's very helpful for everybody to become an adult to see their parents as human. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 You know, I lost my dad when I was pretty young, and I was robbed of that ability to see him as not Olympian, to not see him, to see him as a human being.

Speaker 2 And so there's something stunting about your development if you don't get to see your parents as human.

Speaker 2 And they 100% saw their dad as human going like literally like in the middle of a monologue, just throwing my glasses across and I'm going, I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to do this

Speaker 2 with no audience and like no sense of timing. Like I took the goddamn job at the late show, not because I had ever really harbored this dream of being a late night talk because this is real.

Speaker 2 This is a real late night. Like, I didn't know what this job was like until I did it.
No idea.

Speaker 2 I mean, my respect for like the Jimmys and the Conans and your Dave's and your Jays and your Johnny's and your Steve Allen's and your Jack Parrs and your Dick Cavettes.

Speaker 2 I already liked them. I'd never had it.
Like, I already liked them, but my respect went through it. I went, oh my God, this is a really hard job.
And it's not anything like you.

Speaker 1 Are you still loving doing it?

Speaker 2 Oh, absolutely. I mean, I want the audience back, but it wasn't literallyn't on the bucket list to do this gig.

Speaker 2 And when I was offered, I went, God, it's the only fucking promotion I could think of is to take that job. And no one's ever going to offer it to me again.
I'll give it a shot. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 I love a live audience.

Speaker 2 Thinking of it that morning and doing it that night and finding out because the audience makes the special sound with their mouths and you know that works and you get to pull another piece of Kleenex out of the box tomorrow.

Speaker 2 That's what I love about it. And I've been doing it for a year now with none of that.
And my kids got to see the guy crump.

Speaker 2 For the first two weeks, I kind of like just imploded in front of the camera. And then I went, okay, stop complaining.
This is what it is. And then I found some real enjoyment in it.

Speaker 2 I found actually an ability to like take, take some risks that I couldn't with a lot of people. Sure.
Yeah. That's all.
And it made me think of Jason, too, because you said

Speaker 2 your daughter did your makeup and Jason's daughters do his makeup every morning before he goes to the mall or whatever. And I think that that's nice too, to have that connection.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 We got to connect once a day. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're dying to get back to audiences then, right? When do you think that'll happen?

Speaker 2 Probably in the next two, three months, right? Somewhere between three months and three years from now, because you keep on getting these different messages from people.

Speaker 2 But I think people are getting shots so quickly now. You know, when people can like show proof of vaccination and we can do like a, like there are like seven minute rapid tests coming down the pipe.

Speaker 2 When we can do that,

Speaker 2 and I can have 400 people that I don't want, I want to go back on that stage like I left that. Yeah, I bet that's June.
I mean, now that Biden said May 1st,

Speaker 2 everyone's going to qualify.

Speaker 2 Well, that's, it's June, right? Middle of June? Yeah, June, July, maybe after the 4th of July, something like that. Because if Biden says we can all get together for small parties

Speaker 2 in 4th of July, I think it's reasonable by mid-July because we're off for those first two weeks. By mid-July, we might be able to do that.

Speaker 2 But I don't, don't hold me to that because I don't have any idea. Oh, well, I don't know who else to hold it to.
Yeah. Yeah, me neither.
You said it, so it comes down on you, man, a little bit.

Speaker 2 We'll come back to you and ask you what happens So, what words if it doesn't go the right way?

Speaker 2 Have you guys ever talked to Conan? Because he talks a lot about it. We talked to Conan, we cut him off the word.
We cut a fucking

Speaker 2 I want you to promise me you're not going to broadcast that

Speaker 2 Conan because I promised him. I promised him.
Wait, about Conan?

Speaker 1 About the ski trip?

Speaker 2 About

Speaker 2 on those ski. He said, I beg you, never say anything because this will ruin.
Yeah, no, no, we've already cut that. This will ruin you.
You have our word.

Speaker 2 You are a very, very generous man with your time, with your spirit, your stories, and your laughter, Stephen. Oh, Stephen.

Speaker 2 Dude, thank you so much. So funny.
Thank you so very, very much for doing this. Thank you, Stephen.
This was so fun, you guys. This was worth burning a couple hours on a Saturday.

Speaker 1 I hope so.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we appreciate it very much. Thank you for being such a nice guy.
So fun.

Speaker 2 I'll see you guys in the wrestling army. All right.
See you, buddy. Bye, Stephen.
Thank you. Thanks, man.
Thank you. Bye, buddy.
So are we really leaving? We're really leaving. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We're really leaving. Okay, I just know this is one of those things where, like, you're going,

Speaker 2 you broke me with the Conan story. You fucking broke me in half.
I never recovered. True story.
I never recovered.

Speaker 2 I never recovered.

Speaker 1 So we cannot use that is what you're saying.

Speaker 2 How about this? If he ever talks about it,

Speaker 2 if he ever said anything about me dropping a deuce when we were skiing, if he ever says anything like that, then all bets are off, obviously. But I don't know anything about that.

Speaker 2 Because that never happened, according to you. The other one never happened either.

Speaker 2 Did he say anything about me? Because I know nothing about you. Listen, I can't.
We're not allowed to say anything about anything.

Speaker 2 We're with an NDA with you. We're going to NDA with him.
Yeah. Okay.
So you're saying he said something. I mean, I can't say that he said anything.
I don't even know.

Speaker 2 I'm not even allowed to acknowledge the fact that he can talk. Okay, good.

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 2 Whatever you do, whatever you do, do not broadcast the fact that up close, Conan looks like one of those guys they fish out of a bog in Ireland,

Speaker 2 like who was sacrificed in some Celtic ceremony, like like 3,000 years ago and like you see him in a museum in Dublin and they look like a catcher's mitt up in Cooperstown that was used by like shoeless Joe Jackson and they forgot to oil for 100 years.

Speaker 2 You don't want us to say that. You don't want us to have you on

Speaker 2 saying that.

Speaker 2 That is super important not having that. Of course.
And we'll respect that. We'll respect that.
Right, right, exactly. Because he still can bust a move in this town.

Speaker 2 And I don't want to make any enemies.

Speaker 2 You're safe with us. We understand that.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Goodbye. This is for real.
Goodbye, Stephen. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Goodbye.

Speaker 2 Wow, Sean. That guy should host a talk show.
And let me tell you something. He knows how to get a conversation going, knows how to keep it going.
Keep it going.

Speaker 2 Okay, so that was crazy to hear Colbert tell a story that feels like we heard a different side of.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Conan has a completely different.

Speaker 2 And the question is now, who's the liar, you know? Right. And I guess this is where it comes into what camp are you in? Are you in Colbert's camp now? Right.
Or are you in Conan's camp?

Speaker 1 I'm going to say, at first,

Speaker 1 I believed Conan, but

Speaker 1 now that Stephen was just on, and maybe because it was just on, he was extremely persuasive in his

Speaker 2 specific. And he was very specific, right, on the story.
He seemed a lot more specific than Conan. He actually

Speaker 2 implied or even said that the excrement was safety cone orange. Yeah, right.
Obviously, again, as Colbert pointed out, in show business, you have to pick a side and you can never deviate from it.

Speaker 2 But I would say that knowing Conan, you know, historically, I've known Conan for whatever, 20 years.

Speaker 2 He's such such a fucking liar, so it's hard not to just immediately assume that he, because he is such a

Speaker 2 untruthful fucking person through and through.

Speaker 1 I mean, when you run into him, he opens with a lie.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Do you trust the fucking liar or do you trust the guy with the

Speaker 2 I guess I'm gonna go Colbert? Yeah, yeah, I'm Team Colbert. Let's just do that.
Let's just land there for now. Yeah, for sure.
All right. Yeah.
Great guest.

Speaker 1 He is, though. I mean, to be able to sustain

Speaker 1 the energy to do a daily talk show where you have to be

Speaker 1 interested every single day

Speaker 1 and write all of that stuff. And it's just.

Speaker 2 I know. He's such a unique talent.
I don't really know him. I know him from through the bus distributory, through like award shows and stuff.

Speaker 2 We'd always end up getting kind of corralled into the same area for a number of years.

Speaker 2 Such a quick wit. I think that's background holding.

Speaker 2 That's what they call it. Yes, yes, because that's what the BH was for.
Yep. And

Speaker 2 then they would, but we, and he was always, he and his wife were always

Speaker 2 so delightful and sweet and funny and cool and normal.

Speaker 2 And then, of course, as a performer, he's just hilarious.

Speaker 2 So funny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing. Conan is such a liar that last year he tried to convince me, honestly, with a straight face, he tried to convince me that he grew up in mumbai.

Speaker 2 Mumbai.

Speaker 2 Smart.

Speaker 2 Less.

Speaker 2 Smart.

Speaker 2 Less.

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