"Conan O'Brien"

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celery. Hey, gang, welcome to Smartless.
We are a sweet new podcast starring myself, Sean Hayes,

Jason Bateman, and Will Arnett, and we are complete idiots. So what we do is we bring

on a guest and we ask them stuff and they make us smarter. Hopefully.
It's super cool. So please come with us.
Enjoy the show. Wait, alone.
Alone. Yeah.
Yeah. All by yourself.
You got to find your own food, make your own shelter. You have 10 items you can take into the wild with you.
And you're all by yourself. You got to film the whole thing.
Wait, where's this? It's a survival show called Alone that I am super addicted to right now. And it's also making our situation seem pretty luxe, you know?

You know what?

How hilarious that you're addicted to a show that's called Alone.

Yeah.

Well, you know, it's making me feel better about...

The fact that you want to be alone all the time.

It makes you feel like you have company.

Yeah, these people have serious introvert problems.

Mine's more functional. Wait, baby, be honest.
Did you start coronavirus just so that you could be alone? Just so I could wear these plaid PJ pants for four months straight. Oh, God, I smell so bad.
Jason, do you like being alone? Or do you like being surrounded by your people? I am. I'm a full-bl Yeah, same here.
But I mean, I'll come on out and party like the rest of them, but I need to go back inside and refill my tank. Do you think it's because you've been around people all your life, just surrounded by people constantly your whole life? No, I don't think so.
Although I'll bet you if I was honest and I was sitting on the, laying down on the couch

in the doctor's office, I'd probably say that a portion of my introvertness is a, is a bit of a stay away from me, uh, mechanism, you know, it's a, I want my boundaries up and my privacy and all that crap. What do you think it is that you're hiding about yourself? We're rolling, right? doctor i um, um...
Doctor, you know what? Here's the thing. You want to talk about hiding.
This is a perfect segue into introducing our guest this week. This is a person who has been hiding in plain sight for a long time.
It's very difficult for this person actually to hide because they demand a lot of attention, not only because of their physical appearance and because of their size, but also because of their, well, you'll see. This person, I remember we've said before, like this person needs no introduction.
Shaquille O'Neal. I refuse to give this person an introduction because you know who this person is.
Kevin McHale. They're very, very well-known.
I hate to give this person an introduction because you know who this person is.

Kevin McHale.

They're very, very well-known. I hate to say talented because it makes me mad to say that this person is talented.
Shakira. Is it Shakira? Is it Shakira? It's so close to Shakira.
It's so close. Babylonia.
Almost as good a dancer as Shakira. This person was once known for doing a dance that was involved kind of like a string attached to their waist, and they would kind of do this, like, dumb thing with their pockets.
It was like the dumbest dance. Oh, no.
Guess what? This week is Conan O'Brien. Oh, people, Mr.
Conan O'Brien. I got it.
Yeah, I got it. That was close.
Oh, man. Yes! Just under the wire.
Yes! No! Look at him, Kyle. Yes! Do you like sitting there listening to us before you come on? Are you like, let's just get this over with? I thought there was some time wasting.
We'll tighten it up later. I didn't need to hear Jason go on for, I think, 11 minutes about his current favorite reality show that he's binging.
I am long-winded. That is some of my life I'll never get back.
But now you've got a real tasty new show to watch. I know you're looking for things to do with all your free time.
I binge watch my show. Do you? That's what I do in my spare time.
Repeat, repeat. You know what's really funny? If you guys came over, and it doesn't even have to be because I have a back catalog, I just save a lot of them on, you know, I record them.
So you come over to my house at any time that I'm here, you'll hear loud laughing, loud laughing, and you'd come up to my room, and you'd see me watching my show from 2004. Right.
Saying, did you hear what I just said? Yeah, get in here. The kids are all tied up in there.
Everybody's just forced to watch. If you want any more iPad time, you have to watch Daddy's show.
I do. I will say once, it's a true story.
I was once skiing somewhere out west, not west of where we are now.

Let's not get into that.

You know what I mean?

Is that what we're going to do?

We're going to cut in?

Who cares?

We don't care.

We're not going to judge you for going to Deer Park.

Deer Valley, you mean?

Yeah, Deer Valley, Deer Park.

What do I know?

What an idiot.

Yeah, I went to the park where you can look at deer.

Stupid ass. What a great park that would be.
How's our Deer Park. What do I know? What an idiot.
Yeah, I went to the park where you can look at deer. Stupid ass.
What a great park that would be. How's our deer park doing? Not so good.
Again, nobody came to look at the deer. Let me tell you this story.
So I'm skiing with my family in Deer Valley. And then I hear someone say, dude, Colbert is on the other, Stephen Colbert is on the other slope.
You guys must be here together. And I said, no.
And they just assume that talk show hosts call each other and make a plan. But anyway, then shortly afterwards, I get a text from Stephen Colbert saying, I hear everyone says that a tall Belgian woman who looks like you is here.
I immediately said, yes, I'm here. So we ski together and we ski for a bit.
And at one point, the two of us, and we're skiing with his kids who are great, his family. His kids are now much older now.
This story took a few years old, but his kids are now, I think, in their 50s. Thanks for bringing all the old stories.
Sorry. But anyway, we're on the ski lift together, just the two of us, and it's deadly quiet.
And then he starts telling me a story about how when his show comes on, he goes in the other room while his wife and his kids watch it. And he was like, and then I hear them laugh, and then we talk about the show afterwards.
And I thought, my kids and my wife have never watched my show. It's the last thing in the world anybody wants to do.
That's not true. No, they will watch my show if I say, if one of their heroes is on it, and I say, oh, Lin-Manuel Miranda was on the show.
Will Arnett's on the show, whatever. No, no, yeah, whatever.
And then they'll watch that much of it, and they'll really pay attention to the other person talking. They have no interest in watching my show, and I think that's very healthy.
I'm in the same boat. My kids hate me.
Well, we're going to get to that, Jason. Don't worry.
Every episode we talk about how much Bateman's kids hate him. But Sean has never seen Arrested Development, which is great because two of his kids- You know, I didn't know that, or maybe I did know that and I just poured cement over it.
It's too hurtful to really think about that. I know.
You know what? You guys, you assholes, I'm going to watch it. I'm going to watch it.
No, I'm going to start watching it tonight. Sean, it doesn't hold up.
It doesn't. It doesn't.
You know what it did? It was a moment in comedy.

I saw every episode of The Hogan Family.

I've seen every episode of Ozark.

That holds up.

Yeah.

Now, listen, I'll tell you a funny story, actually.

I went to...

Never say it's a funny story up front.

Just say I'll tell you a story and you'll be the judge.

Oh, no, no, I meant funny, like kind of weird.

Isn't this kind of funny?

Like when milk goes funny.

Or like your uncle. Like, look out for Uncle Mike.
Uncle Mike went funny. But I was in, I went to a friend's house, friend of a friend, and they were renting Johnny Halliday.
Do you know who that is? The French singer? Yes, the French Elvis. The French Elvis, who passed away a couple years ago.
But he was huge France like massive and he sold out so we went somebody a friend of a friend we were on vacation they were renting his house down in the Caribbean and he we go in he's got one of these like home theater things and he's got like what's that thing where it's like a digital DVR almost like you've just got like movies and stuff they used to load it it up with – Prestron? Sort of. But they used to load it up Kaleidoscape or Kaleidoscope or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So you could have 5,000 movies loaded into it or whatever. He had like 25 things available for viewing and they were all concert footage of his own concerts.
Oh, no. No way.
So he had this home theater with theater seating, really nice, especially in a place in the Caribbean. And then it was all like his concert, like Johnny Holiday returns at the Paris, you know, the Stadium de whatever, DP, and like crazy video of him coming off a helicopter with a hard cut, and then all of a sudden he's on stage because there's no way he, you know, he needed eight people to help him off the helicopter.
Well, Conan, you'd be able to stack your top five episodes or interviews. You could rattle those off.
Of my show? Yeah, with a gun to your head right now. No, I couldn't.
No, no. Come on.
I could not. I've been doing my show since September of 1993.
Who's counting? There have been, there's something like 4,000 hours. No, one sticks out.
What about when you interviewed Richard Nixon? I mean, wouldn't that stick out in your head? He wasn't. You know what? His stories didn't have a strong finish.
The thing about Nixon was- Did you feel like he was lying? No, no.

It's not that he was lying.

It's just that he would tell, I mean, first of all, everyone thought, oh, this is great.

Cohen's going to get the only late night interview ever with Richard Nixon.

And this is, Nixon died, as we all know, in 94.

So he didn't have long to live.

I had him on the show and we, he was pissed because he was second on the show.

He was second.

Sure. It was one of the kids in the hall was first.
And I don't even remember which one. Yeah.
And then he was, I don't remember which kids in the hall, but he was second and he came out and then he had these stories that he wanted to do. And he had this whole bit he wanted to do about, I left a sandwich last time I was here.
And it didn't pay off. And the audience, what? He did.
You are the bit Olympics. I mean, he gave us three minutes of podcast time on just that little tiny hook I threw him.
I know. The way he did that.
Let me ask you this. You've done four, whatever you said, 4,000 hours.
Is that right? Yeah. It feels like five.
Guess what? Six of them. Oh, God.
I was about to slam myself and myself and he slammed me you know that's the tough thing about being around arnett he'll kill you before you can kill yourself who's the better uh skier you or colbert um well i'll say right now he was terrified and he does that kind of pizza thing where he puts his skis in and he went pizza was saying, pizza, french fries, pizza, french fries, pizza, french fries, as he went down the hill. And he was going really slow.
And at one point, he just sat down. And we were on a green.
We were on a green. Was he shitting himself at the time? Well, I couldn't tell.
He said there was shit underneath his bottom where he landed before. He'd lost the valve.
Yeah. So he sat down and then there was shit.
And then he said, that's someone else's shit. I just happened to sit here.
And I said, that's fresh. That is fresh shit.
Steam is coming off that shit. Pizza, french fries, fudge.
And then he said, yeah, he said, get me a stretcher. I need a stretcher.
And he wasn't hurt at all. And then he- Line it with plastic.
Yes. And so it took about an hour to get a stretcher there and they had to wipe the shit off of him.
And he was yelling at these people. I think they had to defrost it first, right? He was yelling at them, yes, yes, and he was yelling at them and being very rude, and then I had to ski down with him, and whenever they went above like three miles an hour, this is on a stretcher, he would go too fast, too fast, too fast, too fast.
This is so inflammatory. Yeah.
Ask Steven. Ask Steven if this is true, and he will tell you it's true.
Ask him. I also love the fact that his family does a focus group after every episode.
That's a family that loves you. I think that was back in the day.
I don't think they do that anymore. This was back probably earlier when his show was newer, and he was excited about it.
He needed the feedback. We all die inside.
We all die. Clearly.
So wait, I want to get back to my question. My question, you've done over 4,000 hours of television.
Here's one of the dumbest questions. Do you still like doing it? No.
Okay, great. So my next question.
Good night, everybody. I'm so jealous.
It is the one thing, one of the things I would love to do. I would love.
You'd be very good at it. I don't know about that.
I know it's very, very difficult, but it is one thing I always coveted. No, you're doing it now.
No, no. I think, I'm being honest.
I think you would be very good at it. I think Sean would be very good at it.
Will would do an attitude all the time and he'd be hard to like, you know? People wouldn't, people wouldn't, it would all be like, oh, hello. It's so good to see the audience.
But he'd book people like crazy because they would look so good next to him. But you know what I say? I'll take that.
Conan, I'll take that because you are an expert on hard to like. So I am take that you know what okay you know what even for you that was a sloppy swing that was and you're a surgeon you're a surgeon but you just threw the scalpel you know what i'm these days i'm just trying to get on base man i'm just you know whatever so the uh no i really do i do like it i enjoy i mean this is fun uh mean, getting to talk to you guys and it's the same thing when you have a show.
I've interviewed you all on the program and people think, oh, it must be kind of, it's a job. And I think it is not a job.
It is not a job to talk to really funny people who I would happily have dinner with and we would laugh our asses off. That's a joy.
The job part comes in when you have to talk to some people who shouldn't be out there. There are people who are booked by publicists because- I think he means Andy.
Yeah, I think he means Andy. And Andy Richter is, I don't get it.
He's a fool's fool. Well, and look, trust me, I love Andy because I've been taught that that's the thing to say, but.
I know what you mean about, it's a chore. It's a job to get through some of those episodes.
That's why I asked if you still enjoy it because does that not outweigh the fun guests that make it not a job? But you know what's great is enough time has gone by and I'm in a nice place, you know, knock wood in my career where I've been around long enough where I don't, if there's someone who I think is gonna be really unpleasant to talk to, I just say, let's just not do that person. Good, thank you.
When I couldn't have done that in 93, 94, 95, 96, you know, now I can say, yeah, we just did Sean Hayes like a year ago. Yeah, that's pretty recent.
Let's do one, one is too much. Well, you know, that was the staff talking, not me.
That was the consensus. Right, Of course.
And you don't want, you don't need the, you don't want your audience, of course, it comes on late at night, but you don't want them going to bed during the show. You know what I mean? So if you have a haze on, like that's the, that's the risk that you run.
Much better for like a RIPA or, Oh, he'd be a great RIPA. Like a, he'd be such a great RIPA.
Behar. Thanks, you guys.
you guys thanks of course you have a very you have a powerful powerful ripper energy thanks is that is that the first name or the last name we're not sure she's not even sure no one's sure they've looked at her birth certificate many times and it seems to just there's multiple copies no wait a second so there were kind of wait a minute that's not. You don't go.
Wait a second. You don't.
Oh, wait, hang on. Can I ask you a question? Do it like that.
Will. Yeah.
Yeah. Like that.
Jason's got the idea. Go ahead.
I don't remember seeing your degree from fucking journalism school, man. So listen, how about that? How about look, Conan? Um, do you deal with this? What, what do you, your show had so many—we talked a little bit about when I came and did your podcast,

and we talked about all the different kind of phases that you went through a little bit on your show.

Like, you started out, you were new at doing it, and then you guys kind of created this comedy sort of sketch factory over there, really, in a lot of ways. And you were doing so many bits all the time.
And it really was a place for guys.

We talked about this,

that guys like me,

like I tuned in cause I loved watching you guys do that bits.

And,

and it was you and stack and you and Brian McCann and John Glazer and all

those guys.

And that was so like,

there's been like,

it feels like there's been like so many different kind of phases to you

being a host of a show.

I didn't even,

right. Calling you a host is weird.
I remember listening to you talk, I forget who you were talking about, talking to on your podcast, talking about your dad and about how you describe what it is that you do. It's hard to describe because there have been, you're a host, but you're also, you're also, you kind of do, you're in the bits yourself, like you're doing all this stuff.
So. Yeah, I never, it's funny..
I never wanted to be a host and I never, when people say, oh, you're a talk show host, host, that always sounded lame to me and it was not something I wanted to do. I didn't just want to be a friendly presence.
I always wanted us to be coming up with aggressively weird, multi-dimensional stuff. And I thought, you know, Robert Smiley and I used to talk even before the show went on the air.
We had a very specific idea of what the show could be. And we thought it's sort of SCTV and Pee Wee's Playhouse and it's post Letterman because Letterman is irony and detachment.
This is going to be very silly and have like children's show elements, but also be kind of avant-garde and just ruthlessly like pack as much comedy as we can into each hour and then go do it again. So the idea that being just a guy who's like, well, welcome to the show, I'm a pleasant fellow and I go down easy, and that was our show.
That was never what I wanted to do, and so... And you came off, you'd written on SNL and then you'd gone and written on The Simpsons.
It went that way, didn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it was, yeah, SNL and then Simpsons, yeah.
And then so you did Simpsons, which, again, like that was a very sort of, you know, obviously the time that you were there was really at the infancy of it, the surreal era of the Simpsons and kind of made the Simpsons what they are today. And you brought that kind of energy or that kind of vibe to late night in a way.
Like you made it kind of surreal if- Well, I'm very, I mean, you know, it's hard not to be boring when talking about your own work, but I'll, and I probably already have been, but it just like, Sarnet Live, my sketches were always very cartoony and silly. And then I went to an actual cartoon, The Simpsons, and really felt comfortable there.
And then I think when I got my late night show, there was a lot of Warner Brothers cartoon influence that I wanted to bring into late night. Yeah, because you know, when they promote late night talk shows, not just late night, any talk shows, it's almost like the thing that leads the promotion is the guest.
Right. But when they would promote your show, I would always tune in because of you because of all that was more like a show it was a sketch show it was a variety show you and mr t writing like you're you know going out to pick apples and there was a thing we did where like to me it was what we did with the guests so you know uh years and years ago we had tom sellick on and you know tom sellick that's still a good, that's still a great booking.
But like, then it was just like, oh my God, it's Tom Selleck. And we talked him into, he had just shaved his mustache.
We had shaved it like a year before. And it was sort of a thing like- For Quigley Down Under? Is that why? I don't know what, I swear to God, I don't know what it was for.
It wasn't for a movie, I don't think. But he had, no reason to throw Quigley Down Under.
I think he lost a bet. Are you impressed with Quigley Down Under? Yeah, that was a great poll.
Deep cut. So there was a bet before you guys did this.
I bet I can work in Quigley Down Under. And you did it.
Nicely done. Nicely done.
Remember when you did that, when you were interviewing Obama and he was just about to say, I think the way to save race relations in America and you went, is Quigley Down Under? And he went, uh, what? And you went, I won the bet, Bateman. I won the bet.
And then Obama lost his train of thought. And you guys said, we're out of time.
Remember that? Well, the worst part was that Obama lost his train of thought. Well, because of your idiocy.
No discredit to the great man himself. A good friend of mine, by the way.
Of course. He's here.
She's downstairs. He's making a protein shake.
So anyway, we did this whole thing. Like, I didn't want to talk to Tom Selleck about his career or anything.
We just did a whole thing where we said, we found your mustache and your mustache misses you and we reunited him. I remember that.
I remember that. And then he came, then he came back a second time and he still didn't have the mustache.
And we said, we reunited you last time. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I remember that.
And then we said, well, we've got bad news for you. The mustache is terminally ill.
We cut to a little miniature hospital bed and the mustache was dying. And we said, if you have anything, as you want to say to the mustache.
And there was a nurse there and a doctor. And then of course, Tom Selleck went over to say goodbye to the mustache.
And then when he looked both ways and he picked up, he did it really well. He's very funny.
Picked up a pillow and smothered the mustache. What's happening? How is this a celebrity interview? But now was that cleared with it? Was that part of like the pre-interview and all stuff or did you just kind of spring that on him you know what i'm gonna say i'm gonna say we probably told him about it when he got there and he's a good sport and he went along with it there have been many we had a there have been many times where it's gone very badly ringo star was on the show once and the writers had a idea, which was, I say, Ringo, do you want to sit in with the, Hey Ringo, why don't you sit in with the band? No, no, I possibly couldn't.
No, come on, Ringo, do it. Oh, all right.
And he walks over there and picks up a saxophone and just starts to wail, which we thought that's a funny idea. And the band plays out and that would be like a funny clip.
And the writers came to me and I said, you know what? They said, it's a Beatle. You got to go pitch it to him.
And I said, I'll pitch it to him. And the writers were like, you know, Conan's going to stand up for us and he's going to really pitch it and sell it.
And I went into Ringo's dressing room and I said, oh, Ringo, we have an idea for a bit. And he said, let's hear it.
And I said, so anyway, the idea is I say, hey, Ringo's going to sit in with the band and you cross over, but instead you pick up a saxophone. And without missing a bit, Ringo went, I won't do it.
And I, without missing a beat said, and I don't blame you. He went, I won't do it.
And I said, and I don't blame you. It's not worthy of you.
And it's not a good idea. And the writer's like, fuck you, man.
And I'm like, hey, it's not Ringo quality. So forget it.
And so I love selling them out. This podcast is brought to you by Kleenex Ultrasoft Tissues.
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Hey guys, everybody should have a support system, right? Who's your support system? My support system, as you well know, talk about all the time, is Scotty. And of course, my two besties, Will and Jason.
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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash smartless. Have you ever had a guest on the show that through the publicist said,

this is particularly off limits?

Do not touch this area.

Do not ask this question.

And you said, screw it.

And you went ahead with it anyway, as a result of them not being a great guest.

So basically they kind of brought it on themselves.

No, I am.

You know what?

I would not do that.

Come on.

What if there were just a terrible day? You can tell they're not trying at all. They're giving yes, no answers.
They're not hitting the ball back and you just unload the noise on them. You know what? I'm very, I'm not, I'm going to be really serious about this.
It's not even a moral choice. It's not, some people are really funny, you know, when they, like, I think David Letterman, one of it, and it's, I think part of his brilliance is he can be this incredibly, he can be this wit that eviscerates people and really brilliantly and really brilliant.
And people that deserve it, I don't have, I'm not good at that. I can actually do it with my friends when I'm kidding and I know that their feelings won't really be hurt.
I can be incredibly, I can really unload on them and I think be artfully mean or artfully sarcastic when they know the deal with me and we're all, it's safe. There's a safe word.
You're afraid that doesn't transfer on TV

or with people that you don't know. And I, whenever I've done, this is true.
Whenever I do bits where I commit a hundred percent and I'm a complete asshole, I can feel the crowd. They don't love it.
They don't love it. Cause I do think they are seeing mostly me, even though I'm also participating in bits.
They are seeing mostly

me and...

You have such a great, you know, baked-in vulnerability and, like, non-assholiness that you could probably get away with being a whole lot more. What are you watching? What show? I'd love to see you try to be a super duper asshole to one.
You should just pick one and just give us a text. Just give us a little heads up.
Tune in tonight. I'm going to fire bullets.
No, I could find, there have been one, there have been sketches where I'm a complete over the top creep and it has worked, but I think it took a long time. People had to get to know the real me to then, I mean, early in the show, I think we had the gymnast Mary Lou Retton on.
This is how long the show's been on. We had Mary Lou Retton on and we did a bit where I just completely unload on her and I committed 110%.
America's sweetheart. You kind of think better than that.
And we thought it'd be really funny. And I completely, well, that was the whole idea is that she just said something really innocent.
It was one of those things we taped in a commercial break and then we saved it. And then, you know, a week later, Andy went, yeah, we're getting some, you know, I'll do Andy.
Sorry. We're getting some blowback.
And I went, what do you mean? You were kind of rough on Mary Lou Retton. No, I wasn't.
Yeah, you are. Take a look at the clip.
And I completely unload on her. And I had people on the street saying, you know what? I am never watching you again.
Yeah, why do you hate America? Yeah, the way you treated her. And I'm like, it's clearly a bit.
It's, you know. When you did Arrested, I think I've told you this before.
One of my favorite laughs on Arrested ever was when you're on it and Andy is standing next to you getting your makeup done backstage or something like that. I forget why Michael Bluth is there to talk to you or whatever.
Anyway, you're getting your makeup done and Andy walks by and he stops and he's looking at you. And you finish talking to me and you say to him, you say, hey, Andy, by the way, next time I stop talking, that's not your cue to talk.
It was the biggest. It was so dry.
It was without any cover whatsoever. It was the biggest asshole thing.
It's fun. It's fun.
It is fun to be incredibly, just with anyone, it's really fun to turn it, as you guys know. We had one of our writers is this brilliant, this brilliant writer and really brilliant comic, Lori Kilmartin.
She's just fantastic. And she's one of my favorite people.
And this is a little heavy, but she lost her mom recently to COVID. And she wrote these tweets about it that were funny and powerful at the same time and just sort of perfect.
And we decided to talk to her on the show and we just did a couple of days ago and I talked to her about it. And it was this really powerful segment and she's talking about losing her mom, but she's also, you know, she's being funny, but she's also, she's walking this razor's edge.
And then finally it got a little emotional and she said, but I really miss my mom. And I said, well, Lori, I'm a huge fan and you're fired.
This is not, you know. And I just, and it was such the wrong thing to do at the wrong moment that firing her at that moment was just so much fun.
She laughed, yeah. No, very upset.
Come on. Then I had to fire her.
Here's the thing. He always follows through with his bits.
So he actually fired her. I did let her go because.
She's a fucking monster. She didn't laugh immediately.
And that I won't have. So.
How do you like doing the show from home? Would you do it that way forever and for always if you could? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think we can all agree here, gentlemen, that one must, maybe you guys won't agree, I believe that the way a salmon swims upstream to spawn, in the morning I have to get in a car.
Beautiful. Thank you.
Keep going. I have to get in a car, just like a salmon does, and drive an electric car.
Did I go too far? The salmon has an electric car and lives on the west side of L.A. Wait, wait, wait.
Let's stop. Just so I can understand the rules.
So there's a salmon that lives on the west side of L.A. Yes, and it has an electric car.
And it's beloved. It's beloved and very hard to book on a podcast.
And it's really the exception when it does someone else's podcast because it has its own podcast. Why would it do someone else's? But anyway, the point is the salmon is, and the salmon's had an eye job recently and it hasn't gone well.
Wow, the salmon's busy. Yeah, the salmon's name is Cronin.
And anyway, I believe you got to get up in the morning, like the salmon in the car with the eye job and you have to go to work. Does the salmon look like it's combed its hair with a pork chop too? Or what is the deal? Now, Will, this is our guest.
What is? You know, that's not, what does that mean? Comb your hair with a pork chop. I will say there's not as much body in the pork chop with your home version of Conan as there is in the stage version.
You know why, don't you? Tell me. Ask any engineer.
I have not had a haircut in quite a while. What happens when the upper shelf- So it's pure weight.
It's pure weight. The shelf collapsed about three weeks ago and it happened in the night.
It happened in the night and three workmen were killed. And it happened in the night and it woke everyone up and I came running out and people said, what was that? And I suddenly had bangs.
You came running out in your nightshirt in your long nightshirt. I did, yeah.
I looked like Moe Howard circa 1968 in a nightshirt and I came running out and I said, what happened? What happened? And they went, your hair, it fell for the first time since 93 and I no longer had that iconic Conan pomp and there's nothing I can do right now. I now, I'm sort of have like a Sean Cassidy.
It's feathery. It blows back.
I need to carry a fan around. I'm very popular with the ladies.
It's a whole new life. That hair and that face and that height and the shoulders and everything.
As Will said- We'll talk about the shoulders. What's the shoulders? No, it's like you build houses on the weekends, right? I mean, look at you.
Thank you, thank you. So what Will was saying at the beginning, you can't hide.
How do you like when you're out amongst your people and they come up and they got compliments or they got notes or whatever the hell they've got for you? Do you like talking to America? Are you a shy guy or- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And to quote the great Lorne Michaels, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, it's ridiculous. They tire.
They approach me and say, hey, I'm really happy to meet you. I start talking and then they give me a clear, well, anyway, it was a thrill to meet you.
And I say, but you said that you're from Florida. Would that be the Panhandle or the coast? And they're like, and they're actually walking away and I'm walking towards them.
And he's got a t-shirt that says, ask to take a selfie with me. Yeah.
Someone rated celebrities on friendliness. And this is a book that came out like, no, like 15 years ago, some autograph hounds.

I think two guys wrote a book.

And I think I,

I'm not bragging here

because I think it's more sad

than anything else,

but I got like one of the highest ratings

for just, oh, this guy

will walk you to your car

and clean the room.

How does your wife feel about that?

And how do your kids feel about that?

Do they get weirded out

when people come up

and start talking to their dad?

No, they're very cool.

My wife is very nice

and she will often offer to take the picture

to make it better.

I mean, she's, I'm very lucky

because I know, you know,

some people have a spouse that's like,

oh my God, why is it about you?

Sean.

Yeah.

Well, yes.

You've met Scotty, right?

I mean.

Oh my God, did I meet Scotty? Punch you right in the neck. Yeah, but I just changed his batteries.
He's right back up and running. Baby, does Amanda take a lot of photos for other people? Her favorite trick is she'll say, let me take it, and then she'll flip the camera around.
She'll take a couple of headshots of herself and hand it back and go, ones throw used to do that with when he was like

writing with uh ben sillard he told me that people would have to take a photo with ben

sillard he'd go yeah i'll take it and he'd frame ben out and then hand it back and then they'd keep

walking that's great that's great and they'd be like hey i actually had happened to me in new

york the biggest cliche ever somebody there's a big family and they came up to me and they said

um would you mind taking a photo and i was like sure, sure. And then they handed me the camera.
Yes, guess what? Happened to me a week ago on the beach in Carpinteria. A bunch of people from Phoenix, Arizona walked up and said, oh my God, would you mind? And I went, no.
And they held up the camera and then they asked me to take a picture of them. Now I was wearing a mask, but the mask said, I am Conan O'Brien.
So I, I was hurt. I have that too.
I have that same mask. I did a mask.
I did, I did it with this Sharpie last week for a meeting on Zoom where I wrote my name on Willa Netto on the mask. And, and then I got worried because we went to pick up some takeout and I said to my girlfriend, I went out of the car, I got out of the car for a second, I was about to pick it up and I came back and I go, I'm not wearing the one that says, no, no, you're good.
I wanted to let you out of the car. Can I ask a quick question? I can, I'm a master at painting a verbal picture.
I know what the question is. As shoulders and arms today.
And then tomorrow is legs and back. No, no, no.
What are are we talking about me again? Okay. My question is, the three of us, three of us of the four of us, are in just a natural environment hanging out in our homes.
Will, you are in, clearly, you are at Abbey Road Studios in London, and you are in a professional booth. What's right.
What's your deal? What's your problem?

The deal is...

You don't have to go into VO voice

because you're in a VO room.

I'm not going...

Were you doing a Ford truck ad?

GMC, careful, Conan.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

GMC, we are professional grade.

Friends don't let friends drive Fords.

Listen, here's the thing.

This is just me being me. I wanted to ask you, because you're one of the funniest people on the face of the earth.
Do you ever, like, are you still contributing every single day to thinking of a thousand bits for your show? Or do you solely rely at this point on your writers and you occasionally chime in? Are you like walking around your house thinking of bits constantly? You want me to admit to being a rotted husk? No, not at all. He doesn't give a shit anymore.
Yeah. Do you have like a little bit book in your pocket? I don't have a bit book, but I do remember, I think of things a lot of times and I'll just act them out.
And that's how some of my favorite things that are really stupid that I've done, I want to give it up to my writers. They write the lion's share of the stuff and they've written a lot, the lion's share of the stuff that's iconic over the years.
And so, but I had a bit in my back pocket that I love, which is always called, uh, who stole the fudge? And it was just me saying like, now we're going to do a segment called who stole the fudge. Uh, and, uh, I, I, and I did this actually during the first early COVID shows.
Cause I'm sitting right where I'm sitting now. I have no writers initially.
I had no idea what I was going to do. And I was just saying like, Oh, I just, I'll do this bit that I thought of.
And so I literally just had some melted, uh, chocolate fudge frosting behind me in a little cup.

And I just went, well, there's a little bit called who stole the fudge.

Hold on a second.

And then I just turn around and I say, who stole the fudge?

And I whip around and my face is smeared with it.

And I go, huh?

Fudge, fudges?

Someone took fudge?

And then I just totally do a, I didn't know.

No, I've not seen fudge.

That's so dumb.

And then the thing is like, I'll help you look.

I'll see you look i'll help you and it's so your network immediately stopped payment on the check well you know what's so crazy about that story this is absolutely true bateman i'm not sure if you were there sean i'm pretty sure you were there the we used the three of us used to play cards together for years and years ago and andy would often play with us and one time at my old place in venice remember i was in that place and bradley was right in the in the thing next door will used to live right next to bradley cooper yeah who'd you live above uh ron rifkin yeah ron rifkin and his wife were in the front bradley cooper and i were in the back we had the back house was such a threesome did the three of you guys ever do stuff together? Did you ever go down to Santa Monica Pier? You mean professional stuff or stuff? You mean stuff. Stuff in italics.
We never did stuff together, man. You mean at night, like when the lights are out? Continue with your...
Welcome to the podcast. So anyway, so one night we're playing cards and I'm not kidding, very similarly, somebody had bought some, I think Pete Giles had bought some cookies or fudge or something.
And Andy came, somebody said, hey, Andy, when you're up there, can you bring that chalk down? And the same, but it's a fucking classic. I don't know why I'm telling this.
We'll cut this part out. We'll just leave yours in.
What? No, no, no. But Andy came down and he had fudge and he goes and he goes i couldn't find you there wasn't anything left you know andy did uh andy did a thing i remember one of the first things he did uh we were in some uh i think we were taping a show and the lights just suddenly went out which was i mean there was some power surge or failure at 30 Rock.
And the lights went out. And without missing a beat, Andy shrieked, my pearls.
And I was just like, this classic sort of Marx Brothers, Three Stooges, my pearls. I love that.
They're gone, you know. And I was just like, okay.
That guy's got a great fastball. Hey, what do you, you know, you've been doing this for so long.
You've been doing, had a talk show and a podcast and it seems like you're never not interviewing somebody or in that world. Is there anything else you want to do or you're doing it or, you know, do you want to just keep doing this for the rest of your life? Well, I, you know, I don't think you can ever say, I want to keep doing this.
It just keeps changing and evolving. And I think when it's time to, I think show business has changed.
It used to be that you had to say, well, farewell, I've, you know, and people used to announce, like, think of, it's not 1992, Johnny Carson says, well, that's it, goodbye and farewell and waves goodbye to America and then literally ascends on a beam of light and rides a unicorn into the sunset. And now I feel like- That's just for me.
That's for you. Yeah.
You're the only one that has Carson's stature today. But no, I just feel like my answer to that is I like to make things.
And I know when I'm, if I'm involved in something I don't like to do, I have the luxury of saying, you know what, this doesn't feel good and I don't wanna do this. But if something, if I like something and I like to do it and I'm enjoying it, then I'll keep doing it.
And I don't know when that runs out. So it may just keep morphing.
I mean, I do think with the internet and with the world we're in now, there'll be 100 million talk shows within like five years. So it's not like, and I'm not saying this to be humble, but if I went away tomorrow and wasn't doing a show, America would have no withdrawal there'd be no like what happened because there's so much out there there's so much turnover but the other thing is they have no withdrawal from anybody or anything anymore so there's no right everything's so disposable and and so you produce quite a lot of stuff or you you've had a production company for a long time and you've produced various things um do you see and you produce a lot of stuff with jeff ross right he's your partner yeah yeah um what's that relationship like by the way because you guys started he was the producer of the show did you guys know each other before no lauren put us together lauren michaels uh saturday night live uh he was the one and he said you're going to be working with je with Jeff Ross.
And so Jeff Ross was the guy who I was sort of partnered with. That's all Lorne.
And it was just sort of peanut butter, not peanut butter and jelly, something not quite as good as that. The stand up Jeff Ross, the- No, not that Jeff Ross.
That's Jeffrey Ross. And he's the Roastmaster General.
Jeff Ross is our executive producer, and yeah, we sort of do everything together, and it just works. My heart rate, my resting heart rate is like 225, and his is like 15 beats an hour.
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So with that heart rate, does that go into your social life as well? Or do you find that you kind of automatically click into the opposite? In other words, I've been doing this all day. I've been asking questions all day.
I've been coming up with bits all day. And now when I go out to dinner with my wife and another couple, do you find that you just instinctually, you just would rather answer questions than ask them? Like, how are you socially? No, I, uh, I think I have a hard time slowing it down.
I'm constantly, I do bits all the time. I do bits in the mirror.
I do bits when no one's there. Yeah.
Do your kids think you're funny? do they do they you know now that they're teenagers they the the joke is that i'm lame and i'm a boomer and an idiot uh and i i think that that's only going to last another 40 years but uh you know my trick for that is i actually say to my nine year i've said to my nine-year-old within the last two days okay boomer to my nine year old and I just I go on the offensive

with them smart right right

that's very good that's very good and

probably blocking some real creative

growth for your child

it's not me it's them what about your wife

does she think you're funny or do you have to

do you find that your material is just

no no she's genuinely

I can genuinely make her laugh

she's great we've been

together 20 years been married for

18 and she's still

I think that's a great example. No, no.
She's genuinely, I can genuinely make her laugh. She's great.
We've been together 20 years, been married for 18, and she still laughs and finds me amusing. And I can get her because it's just, she loves silly stuff.
But she will hear me in the bathroom, like I'm going to brush my teeth, or sometimes I'll get up at night to like, just, you know, urinate. And then I'll be, she'll just hear like, oh, you think so, eh? You know, and she's like, what? There's no one in there that's not for anybody.
And I, it doesn't turn off. And I, when I was at the Simpsons, there's a great, one of the great Simpsons writers, Mike Reese, once just, when I had done like a long run and people were laughing in the room, he just looked at me and he just went, what would it be like to be you like at night? And it was this missile and what is it? He wasn't trying to be mean.
He was just curious, like, what's the pathology of that like when you're trying to calm down? And it, it's problematic at times. You know, a the other day um so i have a a young baby boy and um the other day yesterday i was he was sort of crying and i was holding i was walking around with him and my girlfriend i could hear her coming around the corner so i just started doing this bit knowing that she would eventually come up but she thought like what are you doing and as she comes around i'm going going...
And the question you'll always want to find out, who did let the dogs out? Because nobody knows who let the dogs out. And I was doing it really quietly around the corner.
She was like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? This is a bit for, if she hadn't come, it would have been a bit for none. And it was maybe going to be a bit for one.
But I understand that same inclination, which is like, you can't stop. Yeah.
I want to say this about everybody on this call, which is we all were a certain way. And then we were lucky enough to find an industry that would pay us to be that way.
Yeah, for sure. That's my feeling about it.
It's not, oh my God, we've got to work so hard to contort ourselves to be the person who can then be in that industry. I really do think any other, I'm very humble because I think of all of human history and in any other point in human history, my job would have been probably in Ireland to move a stone from one part of the field to the other and people would have just hated me.
Yeah, you would have gotten fired with bits. He's not good at it.
Yeah, he spends time on his hair. He's using a pork chop to comb his hair.
He's being a... That's a classic joke.
Yeah, I don't know. You know, it's interesting you say that because my heart rate is as fast as yours, I think.
And I'm high anxiety almost all the time. And I actually found a job in the character I played on Will and Grace.
All of that energy, that's actually anxiety. And I found an outlet for it.
You know, I just happened to find the right part to let out all my anxiety. So people are like, oh, my God, you have so much when you come through the door on the show and you do, you know, you jump around like a ferret, like a gay ferret.
And I'm like, yeah, you know, it's all my like anxiety. Like I can't, you know, calm down.
And what is Will and Grace? So it's- Just listen for this, sorry. Why, you see, you know what? And this is, again, why I think I'm talking to two great natural hosts.
And then I'm talking to Will as well, who you interrupt with your hateful bits and sarcastic. And there's an oily kind of cool.
You've got that Canadian. There's a lot of stuff going on there.
And no one going to attach to that people really like Sean and they really like they really do they like Sean no I was going to get to you Jason but they like Sean they feel a warmth there and they feel like Jason's like a human being and then Will you've just like you never let anybody in I've never seen you look me in the eye you've got got the eyes of a doll a doll's eyes a doll's shark eyes full shark eyes because i don't want anybody to see that how dead it is in here how dead but sean but sean truly you you do have you are like a high octane person as well like you can't and you you can't sit I know. Well, you know, I want to say something, which is that, and I think I have a right to be heard.
Finally, finally a little air time on this show. No, I have to speak once at least to earn the check, I guess.
But I had a meal not long ago, but pre-COVID with Sean and Scotty was there and my wife was there and we were all paid to do it. It was a paid appearance.
Scotty paid, yeah, Scotty paid. And he had to pay Sean as well, which was weird.
But he paid Sean, he paid Liza and he paid me. It all comes out in the wash.
Yeah, whatever. But no, we had this meal and afterwards and lots of laughing and really delightful.
And then afterwards we're just like driving home. And my wife was like, it's an, you know, was just commenting.
I forget exactly how she said it, but just like, oh, to watch the two of, two of you, meaning two of the same kind that came from the same part of the factory that were made the same here that have the same engine in them opposite each other, it was really fun. And I thought, oh my God, I felt it too.
I felt like, oh, he's got that hummingbird thing going on in his head. Yeah, and guys like Jason and me, we're kind of cooler and realer.
Yeah, totally. We kind of got that kind of yin to yang but but on that like your wife you find is the opposite of you and like with sean with scotty he's he's sort of the opposite too is that sort of like the right balance with the because absolutely yeah where i'm the opposite with it with amanda amanda she goes a mile a minute and i just sit there kind of half you know alive and i'll just i'll throw a bomb every throw a bomb every once in a while.
Just kind of cherry pick some sort of snarky thing to say. I think that's why we're all in long-term relationships, right? Is because it's the yin you the yang.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
No, I think why, it's why all four of us are, you know, very successful. Yeah, I know, right? I'll tell you a funny, a true story, which is that Amy used to always roll her eyes

when Conan and I would do bits.

Oh, my God.

And she would get mad, and she'd be like,

oh, she'd be, like, exhausted by us fucking around.

And then when I saw Conan right after Amy and I split up,

we ran into each other at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

We were going to talk about this before.

And then he came back, and he was like, oh, thank God, we can, she's gone and we can finally do our bits. And you know, I love Amy, but she, but you know what, I love Amy, but she would, the problem is there are certain people who I cannot, and I think I just cannot be, I have to do bits.
Like the first time I met, it's Will. Yeah, Will.
The first time I met Will, I'd never met him before. And I had just knew him from Arrested Development.
And it was, you know, everyone was raving about the show. And I go to the Emmys and I walk into the room and way across the room, I see Will and

he's over on the other side of the big ballroom at the governor's ball after the Emmys. And I see him way across the room and he sees me in our eyes lock.
He starts to slowly retreat. I start to advance and then he's running and I'm running after him.
Oh my God, I've done that bit a million times. Yeah.
And it's like- And we've never met. We've never met.
And there are people like you, Jack McBrayer of 30 Rock fame.

I've never in my life had a real,

whenever I see, and I've known Jack for 15 years and he's a lovely guy, but whenever he would come by the show, when we taped the show in Rock Forest Center, he'd like just come by and I'd immediately go into, well, well, well. Country, and I'd become the city slicker asshole to his country bumpkin.
And I'd be like, I didn't know they stacked shit that high, boy. And he would get, act real hurt and go, now, sir, you stop.
And I go, did you get scared in the elevator? Because the room moved. And so what happened was people would, he was in on it because he was totally playing the part of, sir, I resent that you think I've never written in it, you know, but everyone else, we committed to it so much that the crew had a talk with me at one point and said, you know what, Jack's a good guy.
And he comes by and he does bits and the way, and the, and the way you treat him. And I'm like, what? And I told Jack McBrayer and he was howling.
But to this day, I think if Jack was in like a terrible car accident or vice versa, if I was in a terrible car accident and Jack visited me in the hospital and I was there with tubes going into me, he went, hello. He'd call me Mr.
O'Brien and go, hello there, Mr. O'Brien.
And I'd be on literally on and i'd be i'd go like where where'd you put did they let your donkey in the er is your donkey in the er there country feller and he'd go sir i don't appreciate you know conan you accused me once of if you were in the middle of china and you needed help and you ran across me that i would just do a bit and not help you. So A.

And I would go along with the bit. And you'd go along with the bit.
And B, you know what's crazy? And some of this stuff we will keep in, some we don't have to. But what's crazy is when I went and ended up doing 30 Rock and I'd known Jack for years because he was at UCB all the time and he started doing ASCAD on Sunday nights and whatever.
so i knew him and i we had a similar sort of adversarial foe adversarial relationship always like i'd see mcbray like jesus what mcbray what the fuck you know so i take it to set so we're on set and alec is there and then jack comes on to set and i'm like oh fucking jack's in this okay like you know whatever and like yeah yeah yeah and those guys and I'm fucking around and, fucking Jack's in this? Okay. Like, you know, whatever.
And like, Carlisle's there and those guys. And I'm fucking around.
And Alex says to me, hey, you know, Jack's very sensitive. You might want to take it easy.
And I'm like, no, no, no, man. I got this.
You're, I'm all good. I told, I got on a, years and years ago, and it was when Will Ferrell had been on Saturday Night Live for like, I don't know, maybe two years, three years.
And he was, his star was on the rise. He was well-known and he was really starting to click.
And I had to take a flight. I think it was from LA to New York or New York to LA somewhere.
And I get on the flight and I sit in my seat. And I knew Will just because

he would sometimes come down and do bits.

He'd literally be up at Saturday Night Live.

It's the middle of the week.

He'd have an idea for a bit.

He'd come down.

He'd say, I have this idea of this guy

and we'd be like, great.

And we'd do it.

And it would be hilarious.

So this was, you know,

before he was even on much as a guest,

he would do these bits for us.

So Will Ferrell sits down in the seat next to me, just total chance. And I go, oh, hey, hey, hey.
Within seconds, I'm doing a bit. I had a big book in my lap and I was like, ah, books, books in my, and I kept rubbing the book and he'd go.
And then he just went into the improv thing of, oh, you like books, books, books are my life, Will, books. And it was a whole bit about how the more he talked to me, the more it became clear that I can't even read and that I've never read a book and I'm overcompensating.
The flight, as you all know, is a five and a half hour flight. I never, ever asked him, how are you? He never asked me, are you married? What's this? The whole thing was like, but books.
And then he'd get up and come to the back and then I'm reading it upside down. And he's saying, you know, you might want to turn it up.
Don't you talk to me. That's so funny.
It's funny, but there's something wrong. But he didn't ask you.
He didn't ask you if you were married. He probably thought you were a confirmed bachelor.
That was kind of the thing, right? It was confirmed that you were a bachelor at the time. I used to make very public appearances with Tippi Hedren and there'd be photographs and stuff.
But there's a nice coziness when you meet somebody like that. There's a nice familiarity, right? I think so.
There's like, you know, it's- I think we're all kindred spirits in that. And the thing is, we all have friends like this too.
This is not like some show business club. There's a million people out there in the world who don't happen to be in show business who are orthopedic surgeons or, you know, they landscape

or they, you know, they drive a trash truck

and they do the same thing.

It's a kind of spirit that I really love

are people that are just, and you pick it up.

I mean, I've done, we've all like,

you've been at a Costco or something,

like I've been to a Costco.

I'm sorry.

I can't sell that. Well, that's the podcast, guys.
That's it. That's the last word.
I'm sorry. I'm living in a house made of gold.
Anyway. Wait, I have a quick thing.
No, no, I want to break in for a second and bring up a point here, which is that I happen to know for a fact that Will Arnett only flies private and did long before he could afford it. He has his own plane.
And this is a true story. Two years ago, he had the Rolling Stones tongue logo painted on the back of the plane, which is just fucking confusing.
Why would you? It's confusing. People think the Rolling Stones are in town and then you get off the plane and people are like, oh, yeah, from the show and the voice of the truck.
But why? Why did you do that? The voice of the truck. The voice of the truck.
But why did you do that? Why did you feel the need to do that? Here's the thing. First of all, you know I'm a huge Stones fan.

I've never disguised that.

I've always been really up front.

I love, ever since I saw Apocalypse Now,

that was the first time I heard them.

And then I was a big, I saw them.

That's the Doors.

And I saw the Steel Wheels tour was the greatest Stones tour.

I don't know if you guys happen to see the Steel Wheels.

You know what?

Steel Wheels is their best album. It's their best

album. And I saw them in 1993

at Skydome

in Toronto. I saw them at Skydome.

I don't know if you've ever been there.

Incredible place to see. You want to talk about

ambiance.

So, that's why I did

that. And also, I got

the Rolling Stones asked

me to paint it on my

plane. Is that true? That's a true

story. Mick Jagger.
Wait, are you

Thank you. that and also i got the rolling stones asked me to paint it on my plane is that true that's a true story mick jagger wait are you kidding me no so keith richards owed me 11 million dollars because i had gone into receivership okay so you know in the palisades if you're going west on sunset that's the part of every story where you know it's a lie whenever someone's going says like Okay, wait a minute.
You know in the Palisades if you're going west on Sunset. Yes.
That's the part of every story where you know it's a lie. Whenever someone's going, says like, okay, wait a minute.
You know when you're in the Palisades and you're going west on Sunset? Then you know, because when they were interrogating Oswald, there was about 28 hours before Oswald's killed when they have him in custody. And he was like, I didn't do it.
I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
And they go, but you work in the building. You bought the gun.
And at one point he went, you know when you're in the palisades going west on sunset and that's when they knew they had him and just then jack ruby shot him and so that's a fact too that's a golden that's a fact that's a fact conan out of really out of left field did you always want to go to harvard was it a fait accompli that you were going to get into harvard did you was it like a done deal did Did you? How could it be a done deal? How could it? I don't know. Like, did you, did you have, I thought about it.
Did you have crazy good grades in high school? I was the, you know, it's so funny because I get this reputation as, oh, you went to Harvard. So you just.
No, that's not out there. Yeah, I never heard that.
Yeah, it always comes up.

And people think, oh, you were just really smart. And I think, wow, my experience of being a kid

was no one in my family,

my parents are very smart people,

but no one had gone to Harvard College.

And I was in the middle of the family

and I was very anxious.

I had a lot of anxiety. And I decided, I think around the fourth or fifth grade, I've just gotta be a great student.
And so I was a grind. I was, it was nothing funny about it.
I was funny with my friends, but then I would take impeccable notes. I would go up to my little room in the attic and I would grind and I ground my way in and I just decided I'm going, I didn't know exactly that I was going to Harvard, but then when I got in, I thought, okay, I'm going there.
And it was only when I got there that I realized, oh, they've got this comedy magazine that's seminal and amazing, the Lampoon. And I went, that was just like a, that was not the reason for going there, but that's what changed my life.
So I was a total grind who ended up working really hard to get into this great college and then found comedy by doing that. And so that was, it's kind of a weird show business, entrance into show business, I think, when you think about it.
What did you think you were going to study there? When I got there, I studied, I was a pretty serious student. I studied history and literature of America, but I thought I'd be either a very serious writer or I'd get into, you know, government.
And I'd probably get a law degree and I just, I would follow some kind of track. And it was only, I mean, I knew immediately

when people on the Lampoon sort of said to me

when I was 18 and they were 21 or 22,

you're a very funny young fellow,

that meant a lot to me and that changed my life.

I didn't, I thought I knew I was a funny guy

with my friends, but suddenly people

that seemed like full grown adults to me who were headed off into the world were telling me, you've got something, kid. And that just changed everything for me.
So that's great. Same.
So. I used to run into you at Harvard.
I remember that. Yeah, all the time.
I loved Harvard. I used to, man, it was so good and just around with all the buildings and stuff.
And it was so cool. You know, I didn't think you went, but when you mentioned buildings, I knew that you had sealed the deal.
Only you knew about it. What dorm did you stay in? John F.
Kennedy International Center for Dormitories, man. Okay, sure.
Fuck, it was unbelievable. Again.
I'll take your word for it. No arguing with this guy.
No, I do wish, I do wish one thing, which is, I mean, I'm very proud that I went there and I worked hard and I met a lot of really amazing people. And, but I wish no one knew, because I do think there are times on the talk show over the years where people can just say, well, I didn't go to Harvard.
And you just feel like, oh, shit. Like, I don't know.
I think suddenly that maybe that's off-putting to other people. And I know because I went there that like any other school, it's a very flawed place.
I met some very smart people, some incredibly stupid people. Yeah.
Well, there are a lot of people who lead with it, right? That's sort of their thing for the rest of their life. With a question mark at the end of it, though.
I went to Harvard. Harvard? Yeah.
We don't know. Well, so I didn't go, but my dad went to Harvard, and he never talks about it.
He never mentions it. Right.
And it's just not a thing. That's the first time I've heard of that.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, it's interesting is I went to First Lady Michelle Obama had some event to get kids to really get excited about registering for college or trying to go to college. And she had this event and she asked a lot of people and I was one of them.
I'm sure I was the first call, but there wasn't a call sheet, but I would have been pretty high. But she asked a lot of people to show up at UCLA and do this thing.
And she said, oh, and everyone wear your, a sweatshirt from your college. Like, that'll be a fun thing.
And I just couldn't, I can never do that. So I didn't.
I just wore a jean jacket and a shirt. You wore a sweatshirt from college, from when you went there.
You're supposed to wear a, or just, or, or if you don't have it, go out and buy one. You're supposed to wear, and I just didn't, you know, obviously I don't want to walk, I'm not going to walk around.
It's, I've spent, it's funny, I worked so hard to get into the place and then I got in and then I graduate. And the minute I graduated, started uh backtracking on that's where i went to school it's amazing that if jason and gunny his sweatshirt would have said teen wolf 2 yeah teen wolf 2 you you know to you so that stigma you talk about of having harvard on your back you know it's i i know what you mean like so what is it it makes you feel extra pressure that you don't want't want? Because would you have felt the same way if you went to a state school? No, I don't know.
I can't answer that question. I just think it gets, I don't like, I hate being put in any kind of box in any way.
Even if it's a box that other people would think, oh, I would love to be in that box. I resent it.
And I know that sounds strange because there are probably a lot of people out there that think like, well, that's a good thing that you went there. And I am proud of it.
But I remember before when I was announced as this guy named Conan O'Brien is going to replace David Letterman. And everyone's wondering who is this guy? All they knew about me is that I had gone to Harvard and I kept reading, oh, so it's going to be this urbane, you know.
It's like you can't be funny and have a six-pack. Exactly.
This is Will's problem. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Check this out. Conan, when do you think that you're going to get into comedy? Yeah.
Like, when do you think that will happen? That's a good question. Because you talk a lot about it.
Well, I've been a longtime fan, and it's just working up the nerve to just say, I think I'm ready and to go ahead and do it. And just say like, do it.
And I was so, yeah. Hang on, I'm going to write down a couple of numbers.
I know some people that you can call. Okay.
And then you can just, you know. Okay.
Give them a call. This is fantastic.
I really appreciate this. Of course, dude.
You're such a good guy. Now, who is Richard Kind?

I'm supposed to call Richard Kind?

God, I love him.

By the way.

I love Richard Kind.

He's the perfect.

The perfect name.

818.

818.

Lives deep in the valley.

I'll call this Richard Kind, but I want to do it, and I think I'm ready to do it.

So, you know, the nice thing is you guys encouraging me. That's the nice thing.
He's got two numbers. He's got 818 and he's also in New York.
He's by close. He's also 718.
So he's 818. He's never at the center of things, is he? No.
He's just, no. I feel like we're being real greedy with him.
Yeah. We're being greedy with our time.
Conan, you've been so generous. Incredibly kind of you.
Listen, I'm going to be very honest with you.

I try to avoid other

podcasts like The Plague, and then

when they told me that you

three had a podcast, I said,

I will pay to do that.

That's so sweet.

No, seriously, three of the

funniest people I know, and just getting to hang out

with you guys was incredibly fun, and so

thanks for having me. I really mean that.
Thank you, my friend. Very nice of you to say.
You're lovely people. So great having you.
No, the two of you, just to be here with Bateman and Sean, to be, there's the two of you mean so much to me and there's one I'll never know. And I don't think anyone will ever know him because he'd make a terrible host.
He's unknowable. He's a shell with a voice.
Well, I'm going to get out on that note. Thank you, Conan.
We love you. Conan, we love you.
We thank you. Really fun, you guys.
Thank you so much. That was a joy and I'll see you all later.
Okay. That was fun.
Goodbye, pal. Thank you.
Murderers, killers, murderers, murderers, murderers. Oh, that Conan.
I do like that Conan. Me too.
He's so funny. You know, I didn't want to get into the Tonight Show stuff because I'm sure he's so sick of talking about it, but he was the best on that.
I mean, he was hilarious. God, he handled himself so well in that whole thing too.
It it was amazing and i was thinking about it today before we did the show i was thinking like we've all known him a long time and he was you know i got to know him from doing the show we became friends and and hung out a bunch and then he goes and he does the tonight show and it was like such a great kind of crowning moment for him that he got given that gig.

Yeah.

And then to have that whole thing kind of soured and kind of robbed from him in the way that it was,

was so particularly cruel.

And I tell you, man, he handled it with such grace.

And, you know, the silver lining about all that is that you root for him.

You just don't never stop rooting for him because of, not just because of that, because he's brilliant.

But, you know, I just wish for him to succeed, to continue succeeding because he deserves it. Same, same.
Jason's not saying anything because Jason's not a fan. Yeah.
Yeah, no, I've got notes on him. I always have.
Can we call him back? Yeah, yeah, let's get him back up. No, I'm a huge fan of his.
I'm glad what he said about how because of the internet and what like he's never going to go away i love that there's like a guarantee that there's so much turnover in this business and i love that he's uh that he's not over it um that he that he that he doesn't run out of bits um that he's going to be around forever i love that he is a just a naturally funny guy yeah. Yeah, for sure.
That's it. And he has no choice about it.
For sure, yeah. It's not a skill.
It's not a thing, a muscle. It's just that's...
You just are, yeah. You just are.
Yeah, I agree. And he is.
And kind and personable. He's a perfect host.
I love that he says he doesn't consider himself a host, but he's like, by definition, definition somebody you want to hang out with even at your quietest moment in your home at night you know like 11 30 like there's not a lot of people i want there you know yeah for sure okay guys so that was great right having uh having conan one of the best ones so great so great yeah i mean i could talk to him forever i knew Conan. I love, yeah.
Great, great, great, great guest. What's his last name? I never caught it.
I never caught it. You don't need a last one when you got a first one like that.
When your name's Conan? Right? Yeah. I remember when he first came on, everyone's like, is it Conan or Conan? Remember that? I do remember that.
No one knew how to pronounce it? I still sometimes do. When I go on a show, I'll go, well, good to see you, Conal.

And he'll go, it's Conan.

And I go, it is?

I've done that to him a bunch of times.

What?

That's your name?

Conan with an N?

Conal.

What?

Conal.

Wow.

Okay.

Good guest, Willie.

Thanks, boys. Great episode.
Hey, listen, I guess it goes without saying, but... Bang.
Okay. Good guest, Willie.
Thanks, boys.

Great episode.

Hey, listen, I guess it goes without saying, but...

Bang, bang.

Smart.

Less.

Smart.

Less.

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