Stories That Made Us Go "OOF" | Reading Reddit Stories

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Speaker 13 Welcome back to Reddit Stories. I'm Shane, and today's stories are all about embarrassment and cringe.
And I am joined by two of the cringiest people I know. I knew it.
You knew it was coming.

Speaker 13 I knew it.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 13 You knew it was coming. I do it every time.

Speaker 15 Well, that was cringy of you to say.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Ian and Arasha are here.

Speaker 13 Two of the most embarrassing and cringe. Actually, not being cringy, Ian had one of his most adorable moments a second ago where he just was like, I'm so glad we're doing this.

Speaker 13 I said, I'm so glad you're here. I think I said that.
It was such a positive, sweet moment. We have a lot of footage.
Yeah. We do have the footage.
We can just cut to that. Show it really quick.

Speaker 13 Show it.

Speaker 13 Bah.

Speaker 13 Bah.

Speaker 13 I'm glad we're able to do this together. Oh.

Speaker 13 But these are not wholesome stories. No.
These are embarrassing. They are cringe-worthy.

Speaker 13 So they're the best kind.

Speaker 13 And I was forged in the fires of embarrassment and cringe.

Speaker 15 I think it's worse to be cringey than be embarrassing.

Speaker 13 Well, they're kind of,

Speaker 13 I get how they're different. Yeah.
But they are of the same tree. Sure.

Speaker 13 I feel like cringe is subjective, where embarrassing is everyone can pretty much agree when something is embarrassing.

Speaker 15 But it's like when you're cringing at someone, it's like, ooh, like that gives me the...

Speaker 13 You know what I sometimes think is cringy? Cringe to me is when the other person isn't embarrassed.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 I don't think things are cringy if the person doing it is embarrassed and they're like, like, oh, shh. Then it's not, it never is as cringy to me.
You're right.

Speaker 13 It's when someone's confidently doing something and it's like,

Speaker 13 oh, they're not embarrassed about this. They're going all in.
That's where it's usually cringy. Yeah.

Speaker 15 Which is actually awesome.

Speaker 13 Because if someone's embarrassed,

Speaker 13 I feel a little more pity. I'm like, I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.
You're crying. Right.
Right. We'll see what these elicit out of us.

Speaker 15 Yeah, we'll see if they're cringy.

Speaker 13 Our first story comes from Today I fucked up.

Speaker 13 Today I fucked up by making my one one night stand breakfast. Aww.
Doesn't seem embarrassing. That seems empty.
Seems wholesome.

Speaker 13 I got out of a bad relationship a few months ago and only recently felt good enough to get out of the house again.

Speaker 13 This was my first ever boyfriend and he turned out to be a piece of crap, so I was obviously a bit hesitant.

Speaker 13 But some old friends from high school were visiting my town and asked if I wanted to go on a bar crawl with them and I figured, fuck it.

Speaker 13 It's not like anything will happen other than getting drunk with some pals, so why not? At the first bar, we ran into a group of guys from my university.

Speaker 13 I had seen some of them around but never spoke to them before. One of my friends decides she's going to force me to get out of my shell and drags our group over to talk with them.

Speaker 13 I'm extremely quiet, like weirdly quiet to most people. So I end up sitting in the corner of our booth and not saying anything, just drinking and feeling awkward.

Speaker 13 Well, one of the guys in the other group, let's call him Adam, is also being weirdly quiet.

Speaker 13 So my friends and his friends, who are already tipsy, decide to make things as awkward as possible by making us play truth or dare, except we have to drink when we don't want to answer something.

Speaker 13 There are a lot of personal slash sexual questions neither of us want to answer, so we end up drinking quite a bit.

Speaker 13 And by the time we're done at the first bar, Adam and I are on a whole different plane of existence from everyone else. And it turned out we had a lot in common.

Speaker 13 And he was pretty cute and we're goofing around and laughing the whole time. I started to get butterflies in my stomach and not just from the alcohol.

Speaker 13 Adam has my exact sense of humor and is really sweet and kind.

Speaker 13 We wander off and start having deep drunk conversations about feeling left out of things and how annoying it is when people say shit like, can they speak?

Speaker 13 I tell him I'm walking home and he offers to walk with me. I know where this is going, but I'm drunk enough that I don't feel nervous.
Plus, I feel like I have a genuine connection with this guy.

Speaker 13 Our friends are wolf whistling as we leave and instead of being embarrassed, I feel weirdly proud. So we get to my place, talk and smoke for a bit, and do the deed.

Speaker 13 I wake up earlier than him and decide I'm going to make a nice breakfast. I want to impress him and show him I like him, and everyone likes a good breakfast when they have a hangover, right?

Speaker 13 So I sneak out of bed and make scrambled eggs, French toast, and sausage. I prefer almond milk so I use that for the eggs and French toast.
He wakes up and tells me I look just as cute sober.

Speaker 13 At this point I'm convinced he's the love of my life. He sees the breakfast.
That's all it takes.

Speaker 13 The bar is so low. And you're telling me your ex was a piece of crap.
Yeah, yeah. He's like

Speaker 13 he sees the breakfast and gets excited and I'm like, yes, my plan worked. I'm going to get to his heart through his stomach.
We eat and everything goes great for a few bites.

Speaker 13 Then he makes a weird face and clears his throat. His eyes start to widen and he asks me if there were nuts in the bread or something.
I say no, but I used almond milk.

Speaker 13 He jumps out of his chair and says, call an ambulance right now.

Speaker 13 I'm freaking the fuck out. He's wheezing and stuff and looks absolutely panicked.
I ask if he has an EpiPen and he shakes his head no.

Speaker 13 So I call an ambulance and tell them he's having an allergic reaction and paramedics come and haul him off. This happened last weekend.
I have not heard back from him since.

Speaker 13 I found his buddy and confirmed he's not dead. I guess accidentally triggering a severe allergic reaction does not lead to romance.
Nah, dude, that's a meet cute.

Speaker 13 That's a story they're going to tell you. That's a story they're going to tell their kids.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I think he's probably feeling embarrassed, maybe.

Speaker 13 So

Speaker 13 that's tough, though.

Speaker 13 Don't get me wrong. It's embarrassing as hell.
It was an accident. She didn't know.
Right.

Speaker 15 No, no, of course not.

Speaker 13 But, oh my gosh. Yeah, it feels like the beginning of a romantic comedy.

Speaker 15 I know, and it's so sweet that they're like so similar in personalities and they like relate as well in a lot of their insecurities, which by the way, so messed up for people to ever use the sentence, can they speak in front of another person?

Speaker 15 Like just pretending that they're not there, that like totally threw me off. But it seems like they're very similar.

Speaker 15 And maybe somebody who would have gotten freaked out by somebody making them breakfast would have reacted differently, but it just feels like a little misfortune. Nobody necessarily misstepped.

Speaker 13 Totally.

Speaker 13 Man, though, that is brutal. I just would never, like, it shocks me because I'm like, yeah, I wouldn't think to check with my one night stand if like, hey, by the way, like, babe, wake up.
Like,

Speaker 13 nuts.

Speaker 13 They're going to be allergic to that.

Speaker 15 They're going to think something else if you reach over to your one night stand and say, nuts.

Speaker 13 I mean, I do say that that is my pickup line generally.

Speaker 13 Yay.

Speaker 13 You like nuts? Hey, nuts.

Speaker 13 Yeah, last night was nuts.

Speaker 13 Yeah. And I can see how he didn't question it because French toast, eggs, and sausage aren't typically, if you have a nut allergy, gonna be.
But almond milk in it also makes a little bit.

Speaker 13 That m that makes sense. How you don't substitute it.
Yeah. Yeah.
So it's just a pure accident. Do you put milk or milk alternatives into your scramble? Scrambies? No.
No, I don't.

Speaker 13 But French toast, I could see someone using almond milk. Right.
Because I use regular milk, but

Speaker 13 if someone did almond milk, I'd be like, okay, cool. Yeah, I just would never think to check with the person.
It's also tough, though. Allergies, but yeah.

Speaker 13 I wouldn't think.

Speaker 13 Maybe this is bad. I would assume if someone has a severe allergy, they would be like, hey, they would check first.

Speaker 13 If they're a stranger,

Speaker 13 obviously if I know someone and I know their allergies, I'm going to make sure.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 If you have a severe allergy, and like, I'm not trying to like blame him or anything, but if you have a severe allergy, like anaphylaxis,

Speaker 13 something like that, most of those people do carry EpiPens. They are very expensive.
Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I know a friend that carries his every,

Speaker 13 I mean, obviously in this situation, neither of them are like wrong. Like, this is pure

Speaker 13 wild, like, like I said, romantic comedy events. Yeah.

Speaker 15 So funny the way she wrote it, too. Like that was last weekend.
He's dead.

Speaker 13 I know we don't we don't have I have to be forthright. We don't have an update.
So well they're too they're they're too busy getting married. They're too busy fucking now.

Speaker 15 I really hope so. That doesn't seem too cringy to me.

Speaker 13 So it's not, I don't think this is too bad. Yeah.
This is more like in the scheme of things now that he's okay. This is more like silly story you do tell people down the line.
Silly. Comments.

Speaker 13 Comments. Real talk anaphylaxis is fucking terrifying.
But also real talk, that guy is way more embarrassed about the whole thing than you, and that's probably why he hasn't reached out.

Speaker 13 I agree.

Speaker 13 I think she should reach out to him. Someone else said, my husband accidentally broke my nose on our second weekend together.
I make fun of him, but for me, it's just a funny story.

Speaker 13 He didn't do it on purpose. We were rough housing, and he pushed me toward the couch.
My face hit the arm.

Speaker 15 Rough housing on the bottom.

Speaker 13 Damn, they were

Speaker 13 really rough housing.

Speaker 15 Talk about nuts.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 Someone else said this. I don't think he's avoiding her out of anything else but embarrassment.
OP should reach out. Someone replied to that saying, absolutely reach out to him.

Speaker 13 Tell him you owe him a non-toxic meal. Also, just a nice thing to do.
Yeah. I agree.

Speaker 13 This story is not cringy because they're both embarrassed.

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 15 And when you consider the personalities that she set up in

Speaker 15 her original post as well, they're both like already, like in her words, weirdly quiet. So I'm sure that they...

Speaker 13 They're similar. So her feeling is probably his feeling.
Exactly.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I think this could have a happy ending if she reaches out. Whoa, happy ending.

Speaker 13 Am I wrong?

Speaker 13 A nut-free, happy ending. That's not a happy ending.

Speaker 13 I think where this is going,

Speaker 13 there's going to be nuts.

Speaker 13 It's going to be nuts.

Speaker 13 Thanks for having me here, guys.

Speaker 13 Glad it'll be a contribute. Okay, our next story.
This is another Today I Fucked Up.

Speaker 13 Today I fucked up by not knowing Rachel Ray had a dog food line.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 Classic mistake.

Speaker 13 Classic mistake.

Speaker 15 I just learned this as well.

Speaker 13 Long story short, I was at my local dollar general and saw a crate full of discounted canned goods, like 30 cents a can. The flavors sounded awesome.
I was like, hell yeah.

Speaker 13 Rachel surely knows how to dish up some good food. Yay, she does.

Speaker 13 I always take my food to work to save money. Fast forward, it's the middle of the day and I'm eating the Rachel Ray chicken and veggies.
So proud of myself for eating lunch for 30 cents.

Speaker 13 A co-worker comes into my office and freaks out and asks why I'm eating dog food. I had no idea and started throwing up.
Oh my god.

Speaker 13 Now I have to go to work every day while everyone makes fun of me for eating dog food and being stupid. Oh, apparently I have to just keep typing for the mods, but that is the end of the story.

Speaker 13 I threw away all the other cans, especially the beef and cheese, which unfortunately I was looking forward to.

Speaker 13 Beef and cheese. So what's interesting is that they were eating it and liking it, because dog food smells awful.
Oh my God. I mean, I guess Rachel Ray cooks up some good food.

Speaker 13 Maybe Rachel Ray makes some good-ass dog food. Well, apparently not.
If it's winding up at Dollar General, discounting. It's delicious.

Speaker 13 It's a nutrition dish. Uh-uh.
I could see, I could see. You know, I could get down on a bowl of that.
Yeah. Sure.

Speaker 15 Maybe. It's giving like lean cuisine.

Speaker 13 Maybe it's maybe it's good for you. Look, I think it's kind of a life hack.
Look to get food for, what, 30 cents? 30 cents. Here's the thing.
I got that dog in me. So, like, why don't I feed it?

Speaker 13 We all got that dog in us. Why don't I feed it?

Speaker 13 It is barking for Rachel Ray dog food.

Speaker 15 That is rough.

Speaker 13 Hell yeah. There it is.
Hell yeah. That's awesome.

Speaker 13 That's awesome. Move on.

Speaker 13 Kiana found something out.

Speaker 13 They've actually made dog food for men. Yes.
And I believe this because that is such a dude product.

Speaker 13 100%. It's called dog food, D-A-W-G food.
Human food made for the dog in you.

Speaker 13 Yes. Crafted specifically for individuals with demanding schedules who crave a healthy whole meal instead of a powdered substitute.
Simplify your protein intake, feed the dog.

Speaker 15 And the first flavor is nuts.

Speaker 13 Hold on.

Speaker 13 I got the link here, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 13 I got the link. Oh, God.
I'm just going to completely put it in quarter.

Speaker 13 Look at that, dude.

Speaker 13 That looks like a coffee.

Speaker 15 45 grams of protein.

Speaker 13 I mean, I've definitely seen products similar to this, but this isn't quite the same. It's opening up a can

Speaker 13 and eating it out of that. You have to scoop it out into a bowl and go, all right, right, right, right.
It's that you ate it at work in front of everyone.

Speaker 13 And then they started throwing up when someone pointed it out. Yeah.
It makes it extra funny. I feel like that.
I feel like the throwing up was uncalled for. Like, just, just, just admit it.

Speaker 13 You like dog food. You need to own it.
Own it. You need to be like, hell yeah, I am.

Speaker 15 Well, so then it becomes cringy, then, right?

Speaker 13 By our logic.

Speaker 13 Well, no, I think you would establish dominance in a way in that sense.

Speaker 13 Become the alpha.

Speaker 13 You'd be like, oh, my coworker's fully insane. Yeah.

Speaker 15 So then fully commit to it.

Speaker 13 Bring the dog food every day. I cannot,

Speaker 13 I have to respect everything they do now.

Speaker 15 Honestly, yeah.

Speaker 13 This is what's funny about working here is if any of us did that, we would be like, all right, where are the cameras? What bit is that?

Speaker 15 Nobody would blink an eye.

Speaker 13 We would not think anything of it. No.
I wouldn't care.

Speaker 15 So are you guys saying that we should do it and see if anybody says anything?

Speaker 13 I'm saying we have the ability to and not to worry about repercussions, right? Only in this workspace.

Speaker 15 We say we do it.

Speaker 13 Have you guys, did you guys ever eat dog food or cat food as a kid? Because I've definitely had some bites.

Speaker 13 No, come on, Shane.

Speaker 13 Dry dog food. I definitely do.

Speaker 15 Maybe you thought we were going to come in and be like, yeah.

Speaker 13 We all did that, right? Yeah, no. See, Shane, definitely some dry, definitely some dry food.

Speaker 13 I tried like one or two of those little cringe.

Speaker 13 As a kid, come on, man.

Speaker 13 No.

Speaker 15 Don't attribute attribute it to age.

Speaker 13 I never tried one of those. Oh, bacon strips?

Speaker 13 Bacon strips? Did you have bacon strips? Yes, those ones, yeah. Did you try that? I think I tried one of those.
I mean, the commercials made it look so good. I don't think I ever

Speaker 13 smelled it. They looked really good as a kid.
And I think I smelled them, but I think I,

Speaker 13 you smell it close enough and you're like, actually, I know this is not going to taste good. Yeah.

Speaker 13 But the like little tiny, like one single pellet of dry food, I definitely tried it as a kid, and I was like, oh, this is awful. No, I never did that.
Wow.

Speaker 13 But they did make bacon strips look look really good. Like

Speaker 13 the dogs in the commercials were always so excited for them. He's big ass! Well, and you see your pets, you see how excited pets are to eat the food, and you're like, it must be good.
Right.

Speaker 13 But then it's like, oh, then you remember dogs are dumb. No, I think our, like, our cat, cat food, I don't think looks good.
Cat food looks awful all the time. Yeah.
But our cats fucking love it.

Speaker 13 But then I remember I'm like, oh, cats aren't supposed to have like any salt. Like salt is like bad for them.
So I'm like, oh, of course it's bad because you guys don't don't know flavor yeah

Speaker 13 but you don't know the color

Speaker 13 flavor there's no i'm like i'm like you guys hate salt and citrus get out of my face there's no umami in this dish

Speaker 13 um

Speaker 13 bunch of comments here for what it's worth dog food isn't inherently bad for you the main worry is food safety standards for pet food are way more relaxed than for human food but for higher-end dog foods they are likely going to be human safe someone said they have these cute dog biscuits that kind kind of look like Oreos, but one side is black and one side is off-white.

Speaker 13 We were dog sitting for my wife's nephew, and they were out on a pantry in the corner of the room.

Speaker 13 Well, my homie, Big Joe, comes over, and before I can stop him, I pop my head out of the kitchen and he goes, These knockoff Oreos are pretty good, and gets another one.

Speaker 13 I just fell out laughing and had to have my wife explain. Now, if he comes over, I ask if he's a good boy and wants another cookie.

Speaker 13 Classic, Big Joe.

Speaker 13 I did taste one, and to be honest, it was kind of good.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 Someone else said, but how did it taste? People are curious. Also, were you just eating it out of the can or did you heat it? Op said straight out of the can like beef-arone.
Girl. Honestly not bad.

Speaker 13 OP also said, I would have kept going. Not too bad, lol.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Can we get some of those knockoff Oreos for the smash kitchen? Yeah. Try those.
That's a really mean prank is to just put dog food on.

Speaker 15 We fed Angela cat food, so

Speaker 13 I forgot that.

Speaker 13 You're so right. We did, Angela did eat cat food

Speaker 13 on camera.

Speaker 13 That was probably one of the best moments of eat it or eat it. I don't think she's ever going to live that down.
No, that's her legacy.

Speaker 15 It already was bad, but then hearing that it was cat food, I think, just made it hard.

Speaker 13 Her reaction is maybe the funniest reaction I've ever seen. Ever.

Speaker 13 Just a pure scream. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Oh, God.

Speaker 15 Yeah, I would never. No.

Speaker 13 I don't think I ever ate dog food or cat food on Eat It or Eat It. I don't think I've ever eaten any of that on the channel.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Unless I'm wrong and someone finds a clip and I'm like, oh yeah, actually, I did. Oh.
Which maybe I did.

Speaker 15 I don't think I did. I think I was safe.

Speaker 13 Okay, our next story.

Speaker 13 Today I fucked up by sending a picture of my penis to my boss to show his wife.

Speaker 13 Oh. Let's fucking go, dude.

Speaker 13 Send a picture of my penis. Okay, let me read this again to my boss to show his wife.

Speaker 15 I'm gonna preemptively guess that maybe they're all like working at a hospital or or the wife is a medical something the wife must be a doctor.

Speaker 13 Yes,

Speaker 13 the doctor was a woman

Speaker 13 Obligatory did not happen today, but last week. I just now have the courage to relive the tale.

Speaker 13 I'm fairly close with my boss and his wife is my go-to hairdresser because that's her business and I like to support them. So that figures out the window.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Okay. This story just got this.
This now this is really weird.

Speaker 15 Fine. Women can be hairdressers.

Speaker 13 So after work one day, I drove my boss to his wife's business to get a haircut and we all drank several beers during the process.

Speaker 13 Somewhere in our conversation, his wife asked me what products I use in my hair and since I didn't know the names, I said I would text her an image of them all.

Speaker 13 I did not have her number, so I decided to text my boss instead. And there I am in my bathroom, drunk and naked with all the hair stuff I use, about to hop in the shower.
And I think to myself,

Speaker 13 this is a great time to send a picture of all this. I have it all here anyway.
I quickly snapped a photo of it all and sent it immediately to my boss. Oh my God.

Speaker 13 Before I even looked at the photo, I added, show this to your wife. The phone with all of

Speaker 13 like in the bathroom mirror.

Speaker 13 What I like to imagine is that like, because like, I'm assuming it's like a reflection. Yeah.

Speaker 13 But it would be funny if we would just show in a whole hog in like the whole whole bottom half of the frame of the photo.

Speaker 13 Like next to it. It's just like laying on.
There's just like all the products

Speaker 13 are on his sink countertop, and then his hog is just laying on the counter. Oh my god.

Speaker 15 I don't know how massive this hog is.

Speaker 13 Just like curled around. Wow.
Just coiled.

Speaker 15 Just wrapped it down the drain and pulled it back up.

Speaker 13 The boss looks at it. He's like, head and shoulders.
Okay.

Speaker 13 Head and shoulders, hog and toes, all of it in one photo.

Speaker 13 Especially because of the industry that we are in, where I'm like, if a photo accidentally of anything gets out there for a second, someone screenshotted it.

Speaker 13 I don't use my camera. I don't even pull my camera out if I am like getting out of the shower or anything.
I'm very careful about it.

Speaker 13 I also have a weird fear whenever I'm on the toilet and I'm scrolling TikTok of accidentally like going live.

Speaker 13 Going live.

Speaker 13 And I know it'll just be my face, but I just don't want to be just like.

Speaker 13 Just be like, um,

Speaker 13 and you're like fully naked on the toilet. I'm like, sorry, everybody.

Speaker 13 I guess you all know my secret now.

Speaker 13 I have to be fully naked.

Speaker 13 Thanks for the roses.

Speaker 13 Guys, keep sending.

Speaker 13 You know, keep sending the roses.

Speaker 13 Socks off too?

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 Okay, so he sends a photo of, he's in the bathroom. He's got all the stuff.
He sends a photo, sends it to his boss, says, show this to your wife. That's when my horror sank in.

Speaker 13 My camera was zoomed out in 0.6 zoom instead of times one. And in the corner of the photo, I see it.

Speaker 13 My first train of thought was, if I'm holding my phone in this hand and the product's in the other hand, why the fuck is my thumb in the photo? It was not my thumb.

Speaker 13 It was the tip of my penis fully exposed. I prayed he wouldn't notice it as it it was off to the edge of the picture, but his first reply was, yo, what the fuck? Your whole ass dick is on the picture.

Speaker 13 Honestly, that's the best possible puzzle response. The fact I followed it up with, show this to your wife, floored me.
I don't know if I laughed because it was so funny or out of pure shame.

Speaker 13 He wouldn't look or talk to me for the entire week. And no, he did not show it to his wife.
Thank God. I'll never be able to live that down.
Well, what did he just follow up with, dude?

Speaker 15 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 13 I would have immediately just been like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize.

Speaker 13 So you just crop it out. Still send it to her.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 13 Crop out the products. Crop out the products.
Send the goods. Send the thumbs.
Send tip. My God.
Send tip. Yeah.
Also,

Speaker 13 I barely text or call people when I'm drunk. I am like very careful about.
Oh, really? Yeah, because I'm just like,

Speaker 13 I'm very mindful.

Speaker 15 Oh, no, I reach out to my network.

Speaker 13 if i'm so i don't really like to i don't get on my camera when i'm naked and i don't text when i'm drunk so uh you double those up

Speaker 13 drunk and naked yeah put your phone away change your combo for sure yeah wait till tomorrow send it then comments never photograph anything naked smart someone commented reflections shadows lots of things to betray you and the internet never forgets uh someone replied R/slash mirror for sale, which is a great subreddit where people on Facebook Marketplace are selling mirrors, and the reflection

Speaker 13 always shows who's ever taken the photo. There's definitely naked people, there's people in their pajamas or robes, or all sorts of silly things.
Rough.

Speaker 13 Lastly, someone said, Let's take a moment to acknowledge the wicked burn your boss leveled on you. You said it was just the tip, but he called it your whole ass dick.
Yeah. Oh,

Speaker 13 yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah. Maybe he should have sent it to his wife.

Speaker 13 He's like, I swear it's just a tip. And he's like, no.
No, man. He's like, dude, we know.

Speaker 13 That's the whole thing. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 That's pretty rough. That's probably the worst one so far.

Speaker 15 Right? I mean, the boss could have

Speaker 13 done a lot.

Speaker 15 The boss could have been like upset or like, you know, it sounds like they handled it kind of like friendly, being like, dude, what the hell?

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 13 on any terms. Speaking with him.
Yeah, it just took a week of not speaking to him. And then

Speaker 13 there was a funny reply. That is how I think I would reply, too.

Speaker 13 that's the best type of reply you could get yeah yeah acknowledging it but it's you know yeah um i think what it would have been worse is if because he was like i hope he doesn't notice i'm like no like tell him oh wait sorry let me take a better one let me don't send that one you because if you don't if he doesn't notice and he sends it to his wife That's worse.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Like,

Speaker 13 clear it up.

Speaker 15 I mean, like, do we have the photo so that, you know, we could maybe just like put our input in?

Speaker 13 Yeah, Shane. Do we?

Speaker 15 Could we like, could we maybe just like see it?

Speaker 13 I'm looking at it. It's good.

Speaker 15 No, show, no, show it.

Speaker 13 No. You can't just save the tip for yourself, bro.

Speaker 13 Share the tip.

Speaker 13 Hashtag share the tip.

Speaker 13 Our next story.

Speaker 13 Another Today I Fucked Up.

Speaker 13 Today I fucked up by finishing before clothes even came off. Ooh.

Speaker 13 Classic mistake.

Speaker 13 Antonio Bendez.

Speaker 13 Yep.

Speaker 13 Hey, that's okay.

Speaker 13 Hey, man. ma'am.

Speaker 15 That's the story. Hey, ma'am.

Speaker 13 Yeah. That's cool.
That's awesome. What happens? Some people don't even make it that far.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 13 She gets a call, and it's just like, hey, I'm on my way. I got to turn around.

Speaker 13 I'm going home. He's like, thanks.

Speaker 13 I hit a crazy speed bump on the way here. Got to go home.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 13 I, a 28-year-old man, am a kissless virgin. No hand holding, no hugs that lasted longer than a a couple seconds, nothing.

Speaker 13 I've spent my entire adult life either too shy or too awkward to pursue anything resembling romance.

Speaker 13 Though, I've been dating this absolutely stunning woman, a 26-year-old woman, for the past two months. She's sweet, funny, and way too good for me.

Speaker 13 Like, she's dating down into the Earth's crusts levels of too good for me, and I love her. I don't know why she would want me in the first place, but I definitely fumbled it now.

Speaker 13 Last night, we were at her place having what I thought was a casual movie night, but then the vibe shifted.

Speaker 13 She cuddled up to me, was laughing a little harder at my terrible jokes, and then it happened. She asked me if I wanted a kiss, and I nodded.
She leaned in then and did it. My first ever kiss.

Speaker 13 My brain went into complete meltdown mode. She kept kissing me and even got on my lap.
After a minute or two of kissing like this, she stroked the hair on the back of my head and that did it for me.

Speaker 13 It was embarrassing. It wasn't subtle either.
No, maybe she didn't notice. She probably felt it since she was straddling my lap.
There was absolutely no hiding hiding it.

Speaker 13 She froze mid-kiss and I felt her kind of smile. She was probably about to laugh at me.
I panicked. I stammered something incomprehensible, grabbed my jacket, and bolted.
No.

Speaker 13 I spent the rest of the night lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering why I was born. She actually texted me, probably making fun of me or saying that she doesn't want to see me again.

Speaker 13 I haven't opened it. I can't.
I'm so fucking humiliated.

Speaker 13 What am I supposed to say to say? Sorry, I finished in my pants because I got overwhelmed by a kiss. Oh my god.
I can't even think about it without wanting to disappear into a black hole.

Speaker 13 I've probably ruined everything and she's probably laughing about this with her friends now. Okay.
Okay. All right.
Well, this person's catastrophizing. Yeah.
I think I feel bad for this person.

Speaker 13 Literally. Definitely.
Literally, this stuff just happens to people and it's normal.

Speaker 13 And I think like,

Speaker 13 yeah, like she might like laugh about it, but she'll laugh with you about it. Yeah, dude.
You know, like it's not a big deal.

Speaker 13 I think what's unfortunately happening here is this guy hates himself so much, it's hard for him to imagine a world where everyone doesn't share the same view of him. Yeah.
And it's like,

Speaker 13 you hate yourself more than anyone could even get close to

Speaker 13 thinking of you. Like, she likes you.
Like, you even said in this that you felt her kind of smile. Like, and he's just, he cannot fathom a world where she's accepting.
Just incredibly low self-esteem.

Speaker 13 Like him talking about like, oh, I'm way beneath her. I'm nothing.
It's like, okay, man. Right.

Speaker 15 Stop. And I'm sure like him being a, in his words, 28-year-old kissless virgin has probably contributed to that.
Like his confidence over time has probably sunk down. And that's why something

Speaker 15 so, again, like...

Speaker 15 It makes sense to get overwhelmed. It's not like, oh my gosh, this is so crazy and rare.
It's like, oh, that's unfortunate.

Speaker 13 It's something that really frustrates me about, and I know this is the case for more than just men, but something as a man, I've seen it with so many other men, is how much dudes make their entire identity around their sex life or how much they've had sex or lack thereof.

Speaker 13 And it's like the first thing that you introduce yourself as is a kissless virgin. And I'm like, dude, I don't care.
Like, and I promise you, a lot of people don't care.

Speaker 13 Like, that is one aspect of your like life, one small aspect, frankly. Like, you are so much more than that.

Speaker 13 By making that your entire identity, you're going to make dating impossible because that's, you're boiling yourself down to just that. Yeah.

Speaker 13 It's kind of like a self-fulfilling like identity where it's like, if you're like, nobody, nobody likes me and nobody wants to date me because I'm a piece of shit.

Speaker 13 It's like, yeah, if you keep telling women that,

Speaker 13 you're not going to like. get a relationship because they're because it's not attractive to constantly be putting yourself down.

Speaker 15 Totally, totally. Like you're almost like starting to form that as your personality.

Speaker 13 It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah.
I mean, you will tell, if you tell your subconscious something over and over and over again, at the very least, you believe it.

Speaker 13 It'll kind of make you kind of make that come true all the time.

Speaker 15 If I had to guess, like, maybe this person was like in a very like specific friend group growing up or like inside of their little community, they must have been like the last one to get their first kiss or something.

Speaker 15 And so maybe it started to feel like they were very behind when in reality,

Speaker 15 I think there are a lot of people who haven't had their first kiss until their late 20s. They just don't like admit it or say it out loud.

Speaker 13 And it's more common now than it's ever been. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Younger generations are not like, it's very common to be a virgin into your 20s nowadays.

Speaker 13 You were bringing up like, oh, maybe it was in a friend group. I think what's been really bad over the past 10, 15 years, it's always been this way, but it's gotten worse.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Is there's a lot of grifters that target men and they make you feel like this is all that matters.

Speaker 13 is your attractiveness to how much women are attracted to you and how much sex you're having is your worth. Right.
And they're basically telling you you're a loser if you're not doing this.

Speaker 13 And they're selling a fake thing, right? There's tons of men online who are portraying themselves as these Machismo types of dudes. It's like, it's probably all fake.
You're not really like this.

Speaker 13 I don't know. It's just sad how much he despises himself.
That's not going to go away once he has sex, too. Like,

Speaker 13 this guy has deal with why he thinks of himself this way it's almost like a different marker is gonna be is gonna

Speaker 13 he'll find he'll find a new thing and i know that because like i went through that i mean i you know like i remember being young this is i think a common feeling for dudes of just like i'm a virgin like i'm a loser and then you lose it and then you're just kind of like it's like oh okay and then like Time moves on and then you find another reason for thinking you're a loser.

Speaker 13 Yeah. We'll find the feeling is there.
It's not going to go away with an action.

Speaker 15 Maybe, maybe it could even be attributed to like this zoomed out image of validation, right? Because what he's seeking is from someone else

Speaker 15 rather than an internal confidence boost.

Speaker 13 So many dudes are thinking that if they're desired by women, that their self-hatred will go away. It's like, no, man,

Speaker 13 they won't. Yeah.
As you can see, this woman does desire you.

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Speaker 13 Mm-hmm. Yeah.
But it's not clearing up your own hatred for yourself.

Speaker 15 Right. It's like, it's like maybe before he was like, I have never had a girlfriend.
Now he has a girlfriend, but he's like, okay, but she hates me because I'm ugly.

Speaker 13 Like for sure, she doesn't want to be with me. Yeah.
No, I mean, from my own personal experience, like my insecurities, despite even now being married and someone who like,

Speaker 13 like I know loves me and will tell me like like she's like oh I love you so much that your insecurities will still exist inside of you and like that's that is your own journey to deal with nobody is going to make that go away.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 There is nothing in the exterior exterior world that you will achieve that will change that interior thing. That only goes away with with interior like

Speaker 13 work.

Speaker 15 Yeah. And when we're talking about it in a sexual context, it feels really sensitive.
But I think that that can parallel

Speaker 15 lots of different things, right? Like, it's kind of like if you're pursuing a job, right? You really want to get a job, but you're like, but I suck and I really am not qualified.

Speaker 15 And then you think getting that job is going to validate you. But then you get the job and you're like, I don't know why they gave it to me.
I really don't deserve it.

Speaker 15 And you just keep pulling yourself up.

Speaker 13 Absolutely. There's tons of parallels.
Yeah. I mean, like, I see a lot of examples of that, like with people with low self-esteem, just self-sabotaging.
Like, you will

Speaker 13 find a way to truly have, like,

Speaker 13 real, like, raw talent. And they will just get in their way every single time because they just don't believe in themselves.

Speaker 13 I mean,

Speaker 13 it's extra silly when you see it.

Speaker 13 We all do these things that when you see someone else do it, you're like, oh, it's silly. You're like, this lady's really into you.

Speaker 13 And you could almost, if I was his friend, you could flip it and just being like, she might feel really good about the situation because it probably, what made you feel not sexy probably made her feel like

Speaker 13 I'm hot as shit. The magic touch.
Exactly.

Speaker 15 Right. Yeah, it's like it's rewriting the narrative, just giving it a different perspective.
But you can, like, you can see how many times he chose to bring himself down.

Speaker 15 Even the idea of, oh, she was laughing harder at my terrible jokes. Like, King,

Speaker 13 you were being funny. Stop, dude.

Speaker 13 Bunch of comments here. Honesty is the best policy.
Just be open about it and admit the buildup was too high because you find her incredibly amazing and all.

Speaker 13 Just don't put yourself down while saying this. Nothing less sexy than that.
She likes you clearly and just work with that.

Speaker 13 Someone said, dude, if you're going to have sex embarrassing stuff, happens all the time. The best partners laugh it off.
Wait till you accidentally make fart noises with your sweaty bodies.

Speaker 13 That's real. Someone else said, that message either contains one of two things.
One, she is making fun of you or breaks things off, or she is understanding it and wants to try again another time.

Speaker 13 You already decided in your head that it's option one and are acting like it is.

Speaker 13 So opening that text wouldn't be any different than ignoring it, but for the chance that it is option two, you should definitely look.

Speaker 15 Definitely.

Speaker 13 Update.

Speaker 13 Quick little update. Not huge.
Quick little.

Speaker 13 Sorry. A fast update.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I was panicking for nothing. I opened the text and she was asking if I was okay, then said that she thought it was kind of hot.
I did apologize for storming off, and we're good now.

Speaker 13 She also told me that I'll build more stamina with practice. Yeah, boom, boom,

Speaker 13 damn. See, damn.

Speaker 15 She said, nuts.

Speaker 13 She said, I thought it was kind of hot. Yeah.
Is that it? I love that. Now he's like, God, now I do have to do this every time.

Speaker 15 I don't think he needs to worry about that.

Speaker 13 Yeah, and none of us were surprised. Aww.
Work found in the kitchen.

Speaker 13 Yeah, happy for the guy. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Dude, for real.

Speaker 15 To new beginnings for him.

Speaker 13 Yeah, man. Seriously.
Well, that wasn't embarrassing.

Speaker 13 Honestly, the only thing embarrassing was how he talked about himself. Yeah, that was.
That was, that's, that to me is embarrassing. Like, if someone was, if someone,

Speaker 13 because I feel for him and I'm like, I know that's a real feeling. If I was around that for that long, I'd...
That would get me to a point of being like, dude, shut, shut up.

Speaker 13 Like, stop talking about yourself like that. Like, I would be just as mad as hearing someone talk about someone else that way.
Like, you're being such an asshole to yourself. Yeah, yeah.
Unbelievable.

Speaker 15 Hopefully, like, reaching out and only seeing these positive comments introduces him to a different community.

Speaker 13 Hopefully. I wonder if he wrote this hoping for some affirmation and I hope he got it.
And I hope he doesn't, in the future, doesn't need that affirmation.

Speaker 13 You know, he needs to get that affirmation from himself. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Too true. Anyways, moving on.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Today I fucked up by creating the most terrifying and embarrassing moment in my life. We'll see about that.

Speaker 13 It is currently 1 a.m. This happened about 20 minutes ago.
I am currently bawling my eyes out from humiliation and shock. I will write out this event as if you were me.

Speaker 13 It all started when I... First person POV.

Speaker 15 Great screenwriter.

Speaker 13 It all started when I, 23-year-old woman, got home late from work. We had a meeting after the park was closed and didn't get home until 10 p.m.

Speaker 13 I take a shower and smoke my dab pen while drying my hair. I then proceeded to forget the next hour.
So my hair was dry and I was playing Red Dead Online. Nice.
I had just gotten

Speaker 13 sick. And they have a dab pen, so that's like hard.

Speaker 13 So far it sounds like you're sick as fuck, dude. Yeah, dude.
I'm dab pen. I'm sorry, bro.
All right. Like, okay.
Queen. I had just gotten comfy when I heard my cat Winnie making a strange meow.

Speaker 13 My cat only meows like this when she sees something outside. It's like a low meow and not a cute meow.
I pause the game and take my headphones off. She is meowing in the living room.

Speaker 13 She runs into the doorway to my bedroom and meows again. I follow her out into my living room which is only lit by a nightlight.
I see that my motion activated light is on outside.

Speaker 13 Winnie is looking through the blinds and meows again and again. The light goes off and then comes back on.
I called my roommate, a 26-year-old man. He is at work and gets off in an hour.

Speaker 13 I am fried at this point and I'm thinking that I am overreacting. Winnie meows louder and longer, over and over.
I'm freaking out and a shadow from my patio moves.

Speaker 13 A few seconds later, there is a knock on the door. I feel my heart in my ears.
The heartbeats are really loud and everything is in slow motion.

Speaker 13 I stared at the door for what seemed like about 30 seconds, but was probably only two or three. I darted to my room, locked my door, and then was in my closet with a large knife.

Speaker 13 I don't remember if I got the knife before or after the knocking. I'm on the phone to the police.
My breath is incredibly shaky and raspy.

Speaker 13 I'm having memories and images of my family and friends rushing through my head.

Speaker 13 Then I think of my parents and how I need to call them, but I'm on the phone with 911 telling them my info and location. I am mentally preparing to kill someone or die.
The 911 dispatcher was silent.

Speaker 13 She said there were two officers close. Silence.
I ask where they are. She tells me they are turning into my apartment.
I waited the most painful 30 seconds of my life.

Speaker 13 It seriously felt like 10 minutes. I hear voices at my front door.
I hear the dispatcher's voice. She asks, Did you order delivery? Yep.

Speaker 13 Yep.

Speaker 13 TLDR.

Speaker 13 TLDR, I forgot I ordered delivery and called the cops on my delivery driver for delivering my food. Typical high activities.

Speaker 13 Edit, since I keep getting asked, yes, I still feel awful. Yes, I tipped the driver online.
And no, the cops and the driver did not see each other. The driver dropped my food at the door.

Speaker 15 Okay, but where did she order from?

Speaker 13 I knew

Speaker 13 I

Speaker 13 knew it was going to be Taco Bell.

Speaker 15 It's got to be.

Speaker 13 Wow. That's awesome.
That dab pen.

Speaker 15 I thought it was going to be her own shadow that she kept seeing.

Speaker 15 And I was like, that's just a really bad high. Yeah.

Speaker 13 She ordered it. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Poor thing.

Speaker 15 Dude. Hey, we've all been there.

Speaker 13 We've all been there. We've all been there.
We've all ordered postmates and then called the cops on them.

Speaker 15 Dude, yeah.

Speaker 13 When you got the dispatcher on the phone, that's crazy, you filthy animal.

Speaker 13 Man. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 13 it's understandable.

Speaker 13 Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 13 It dappens. It dappens.

Speaker 15 Yeah, she probably put the pen down for a couple weeks.

Speaker 13 Yeah, this is probably a little bit of a wake-up call. It's like, all right.

Speaker 15 I mean, it was, it was off. It was after work.
She was just like relaxing.

Speaker 13 The cops were like, are you playing Red Dead online?

Speaker 15 She's like, yeah, you play.

Speaker 13 They're like, yeah, dude.

Speaker 13 She should switch to chew, you know, when she plays Red Dead. Get a spittoon.

Speaker 13 Just really just immerse yourself. Yeah, get into it.
Wow.

Speaker 13 Comments. If it makes you feel any better, I'm a 911 operator, and I can tell you this happens all the time.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 I don't think a single night goes by without someone calling, thinking someone is breaking in, only to find out it was a neighbor or friend or my favorite, a glass jar of chocolate milk exploding.

Speaker 13 What? That's not supposed to happen. Well, that would scare the shit out of me.
Yeah. I'm calling the cops.

Speaker 15 They're like, every night.

Speaker 13 I'm like, someone killed my chocolate milk.

Speaker 13 Someone murdered my chocolate milk. Wow.
Someone else said, so did you get your delivery? OP said, yes, I did. I'm not very hungry at the moment.
Someone else said, two things.

Speaker 13 What exactly were you smoking? And what did you order? Okay. I was smoking a glow pen and I ordered a tuna sandwich and Dr.
Pepper. Ooh.

Speaker 15 Girl, that's what you're going to eat on your munchies?

Speaker 13 What kind of of high are you?

Speaker 13 Like, oh, what if you really go for? A tuna sandwich delivered.

Speaker 13 Oh, tuna sandwich. Soggy.
God, you are, that is, that is not a good high. No, it's a good thing the cops were that's good.
That needed more creativity, dude.

Speaker 13 And you know, she paid like $4 for that Dr. Pepper.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Oh, and it was a can. Now that's, now this is embarrassing.
Yeah. Now it's not embarrassing.
Now this is I agree. Yeah.
Now this is so hard. Now, fuck her.
Oh, you know that?

Speaker 13 Dude, you know that bread was

Speaker 13 that bread was so soggy by the time it got there. Oh, yeah.
Oof. The cat would have liked that, though.
I think that's why the cat was meowing. Yeah.
Maybe it was for mini.

Speaker 13 The cat was like, give this to me. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Give me the sandwich. Give me this.
And she heard the cat talking. The cat turns

Speaker 13 from the window and just goes, give me the sandwich.

Speaker 15 Give me this. I have no salt.

Speaker 13 She calls the cops on her cat.

Speaker 13 My cat's talking.

Speaker 13 Okay, there is a great video from back in the day. There is an incredible video that this reminds me of.

Speaker 13 You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 13 It was a cop

Speaker 13 who had taken some brownies from the station that they had

Speaker 13 confiscated, and he eats them with his wife. And he gets so high that he calls the police.
And he's like, you need to send an ambulance. I'm dying.
And the video call is on YouTube.

Speaker 13 And it is so funny. He's like, you need to send an ambulance.
I think I'm dying. We ate some brownies and

Speaker 13 I think I'm dying. He says I'm dead.

Speaker 13 Yeah, he's like, I think I'm dying. Yeah, I'm dead.

Speaker 13 It's so funny, dude.

Speaker 15 I guess that's what a bad high can spiral you into.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Some paranoia. Yeah, man.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Be safe. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Do you know anything about that? No. You ever had a bad high? I actually haven't.
Okay. That's crazy.
Have you guys? I pretty much only.

Speaker 13 Exclusively. I'm going to go home and have a bad high.
I also have truly bad luck. I don't, I haven't spoken Whedon forever, but when I do, weird shit happens.
Really?

Speaker 13 Now, when I wake up and I'm sober, I'm like, that was some wacky shit that happened.

Speaker 13 I swear, I would be like during the pandemic, I'd be like home alone, and I'd be like, I would wait till it's like late enough that I'm like, okay, some fuck shit can't happen now. Right.

Speaker 13 So it's late enough, I'm safe.

Speaker 13 And I'd swear to God, I would take a hit, and the second I did, knock at my door. And I'm just like,

Speaker 13 I'm like, they've come for me. Right.

Speaker 13 I don't know. That's funny.
So that's almost the reason why I don't. Right.
I'm like, no. Our next story.

Speaker 13 This is an am I the asshole. Yay.
Whoa. We have a decision to make on this embarrassing one.
Am I the asshole for embarrassing my cousin and getting us kicked out of a restaurant?

Speaker 13 I, a 25-year-old woman, don't have kids yet. I never really wanted them growing up, but I figure I'll eventually have kids in the future once I get my life together.

Speaker 13 My cousin Sarah, who's 29, has two bad-behaved kids from a previous relationship and a newborn baby with her boyfriend MJ, who's 40.

Speaker 13 Last night, my mother, sister, Sarah, and I went to a sushi restaurant, and this was my first time having sushi. After we ordered, I had a hard time using the chopsticks.

Speaker 13 My cousin started obnoxiously laughing. The waiter came over and asked me if I wanted training wheels, which is a little plastic item that attaches to the chopsticks and helps you hold them in place.

Speaker 13 My cousin laughed and said, sorry about her, she constantly embarrasses herself and us. I just gave her the side eye and put the training wheels on.

Speaker 13 When it was time to order desserts, her boyfriend MJ finally joined us, claiming that he was busy.

Speaker 13 She went on to tell him how stupid and slow I was for not knowing how to use chopsticks and how the waiters and everyone around now know that I'm an embarrassment.

Speaker 13 My mom asked her what her problem was and she went on a rant about how I'm so embarrassing and it's no wonder I'm jealous of her being a mother and no one wants to have kids with me.

Speaker 13 I finally had enough. I said, I don't have kids because I don't want them to come out like you're rude pieces of shit.

Speaker 13 And you're calling me an embarrassment? Didn't MJ just have a baby with you and his wife? Your baby literally has a sibling a week apart from her.

Speaker 13 You probably learned how to use chopsticks by eating his wife's leftovers. Damn! Holy shit!

Speaker 13 I guess when she was attacking me, it was fine because everyone turned on me. It got so loud that management had to get involved.

Speaker 13 Sarah was screaming and crying, MJ was yelling at me, and my mom and sister were berating me for being mean. Management brought brought the bill and told us to please pay it and leave.

Speaker 13 My mom paid the entire bill, but my sister said I'm an asshole for embarrassing Sarah and getting us kicked out. And now she's probably going through postpartum depression.

Speaker 13 Now, I don't know if I went too far seeing as she's probably going through some post-baby stress. Am I the asshole?

Speaker 13 Bro, never do sake bombs at the family. Yeah.

Speaker 15 I was going to say she deserved it, and then I remembered the postpartum depression.

Speaker 13 Okay, the question is, was

Speaker 13 Sarah's behavior always like this, or is this a completely new recent thing?

Speaker 13 I'm also then mad at the mom and stuff for not defending her more earlier and be like, hey, don't call her an embarrassment. Right.
Don't say, you're saying horrible things to this person.

Speaker 13 Because she can't use chopsticks. You're calling her slow.
You're calling her an embarrassment. I'm like, I don't know.
I understand people go through things, but you shouldn't be excusing that.

Speaker 13 That shouldn't be happening. Right.

Speaker 13 If I'm her, if I'm somewhere and someone is genuinely calling me an embarrassment,

Speaker 13 like and doubling down on it, I'm getting up and leaving. I'd get up and be like, you're being insanely mean right now.
You're making me feel awful.

Speaker 13 I don't want to be around this if you're going to be this way. And I would leave.

Speaker 15 And usually that is, I think, the best way to diffuse a situation that cannot ever have fingers pointing back to you when you just call it out, right? Like, hey, I'm going to stop you right there.

Speaker 15 You're being incredibly insulting.

Speaker 13 Her boiling over, I wish she would include the information: like, is this behavior your cousin has always elicited towards you? Or is this brand new behavior?

Speaker 13 It's also like, there must be, yeah, there must be some other history there.

Speaker 13 Because for her to just say, like, you're jealous of me because I have these kids and you don't, because you don't have your life together, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 13 Like, there's gotta be some history between them that goes back before this episode.

Speaker 15 Yeah, maybe some like familial expectations as well. Because she started by saying, I'm 25 and I don't have kids, which doesn't seem too crazy to not have kids.

Speaker 13 That is literally modern of this current era, that is completely normal. Right.

Speaker 13 I would not think anything of it. This is clearly very personal.
Yeah. They have got, there is, it feels to me like history is going on here.
And that's why the

Speaker 13 mention of postpartum, I'm like, all right, so is this only the...

Speaker 13 this past years or years or whatever like or is this go back to childhood because this almost feels like they've had this going on since they were kids some sort of rivalry or competition now look she went for the throat right off the bat.

Speaker 13 You cannot deny that she threw back some heat, but she was being called slow and an embarrassment over and over again.

Speaker 15 I would get, yeah, you start to boil up, and if you don't want to be disrespectful in the way of leaving the table, then I guess naturally if somebody's temper reaches that point, you might spit something out like that.

Speaker 13 Eating the leftovers is a crazy

Speaker 13 moment. Look, that is.
She ate. She ate with that.
We cannot deny she ate. Yeah.

Speaker 15 With her training.

Speaker 13 I'm sure there'll be comments saying that she was also an asshole. Like, it's, there's also the, you know, I'm not saying this is what qualifies.

Speaker 13 There are stories where someone's an asshole, but maybe is okay. Like, they became an asshole because the other person was being an asshole.
And it equals out or evens out a little bit.

Speaker 13 Asshole equilibrium. Asshole equilibrium.
Correct.

Speaker 13 You know, but that's, there's, there's levels to this. There's all sorts of nuances to being an asshole.

Speaker 15 You can be a big asshole.

Speaker 13 Yeah, you can become a bigger asshole than the other asshole. You could match their asshole,

Speaker 13 which is maybe what someone could argue happened here, but I don't know. Their assholes were different.
Is there someone gonna match my asshole?

Speaker 13 There's also the argument of like, she didn't start it. The other person was saying mean things at her first time.

Speaker 15 Yeah, but then there's also that saying, like,

Speaker 15 the person who throws the second punch starts the fight.

Speaker 13 Whoa.

Speaker 13 So someone comes up to me in an alleyway and punches me and I'm like,

Speaker 13 you didn't start this. You're like, hey, why

Speaker 13 you're like, hey, why'd you do that? Why'd you do that? Hey, man, don't make me start this fight. Hey.

Speaker 13 And then he throws me a second punch. I'm like, no, you started the punch.
See, but then, yeah, no, then he starts the fight. You started the fight.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 15 I don't know if I

Speaker 13 completely

Speaker 15 completely back that, but

Speaker 15 it's definitely something to consider here.

Speaker 13 What if I start with like a face scratch? Yeah,

Speaker 13 does a tiger fist count? Yeah, tiger fist.

Speaker 15 Guys, I'm just relaying the expression. I didn't know.

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 13 and we're just trying to like clarify. The person who first throws the roundhouse kick.

Speaker 13 Yeah. You guys seen that video? The verdict was not the asshole.

Speaker 13 Fair. I think that's, I'm like, I'm like, I see how that happened.
I think it's going to be all over the place, though. So some comments.
Someone did say. Everyone sucks here.

Speaker 13 Mildly, you for taking it as far as you did and not just skipping dinner with Sarah or leaving when she started. I'm guessing that this isn't the first time she was an asshole.

Speaker 13 I don't blame you for being upset, but I think it would have been better to leave. Ultimately, Sarah was the big asshole in this one.

Speaker 13 Your mother and sister are assholes for not having your back and making excuses for Sarah. All fair.
Right.

Speaker 13 Someone else said, Sarah was screaming and crying because you finally had enough and you stopped letting her bully you. Bullies can't handle the tables being turned on them.

Speaker 13 If your family turns on you over her, then they are her flying monkeys, not the asshole. Sarah certainly is, though, and so is your family who sided with the bully.

Speaker 13 Lastly, someone said, not the asshole. At first, I was thinking everyone sucks here, but really, she pushed you to breaking point.

Speaker 13 Postpartum stress doesn't entitle you to treat everyone around you like crap. Right.
Yeah, true. Yeah.
Yeah. It's, it's always fascinating to me how often families side with the bully in families.

Speaker 13 It's because I think there's so much of... like people who are trying to keep the peace.
Exactly. And they know that someone is such an asshole that they can't tell them.

Speaker 15 Right. They're like just trying to protect the like entire family.
So they're just like, just don't listen to them. And it's like, well, no, you're actually making it worse.

Speaker 13 Right. Right.
Yeah. I think it's like,

Speaker 13 I can't be mad at this person first because she did stand up for herself. It's like, is there a right, like how you stood up for yourself is correct.

Speaker 13 It's a matter of like, that doesn't permit you to say anything to another person. Granted, her kids weren't there.
If her kids were there, I'd be like, don't say that shit.

Speaker 13 But it's just to her, I don't know. It's,

Speaker 13 I'm certainly not here being like, hey, you're the bad guy here. Right.
If I was there, I'd be like,

Speaker 15 I'm curious

Speaker 15 why like they were so quick to be like, to OP, to be upset with her about what she said. Like, was it because hers had more weight?

Speaker 13 I think they're trying to appease, because, because...

Speaker 13 I think Sarah will more soon get mad at them

Speaker 13 and blame them for not standing up for her. Sure.

Speaker 13 They're almost like, oh,

Speaker 13 she's going to make our life more of a nightmare if we don't side with her.

Speaker 15 Which is kind of selfish behavior, though.

Speaker 13 Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 13 They're trying to keep the peace, but they're really just prolonging someone's asshole behavior in the family.

Speaker 13 I would have loved to just be at the sushi bar for that whole argument, just be like, oh, shit. She really just said that.

Speaker 15 Across the bar.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Oh,

Speaker 13 if I was there, I'd be like, can I get another order of something? Like, I'm going to be here a little bit longer. So, like, whoever your date is.

Speaker 13 I'd be ordering another round of sake bombs. I'm like, hell yeah.
Let's go. Have you ever witnessed a bad argument

Speaker 13 in a public space next to you?

Speaker 13 I probably have. Nothing horrible.
And there's levels to it because there's where it's like scary, where I'm like, let's get out of here. Yeah.
But where it's dramatic and it's like, ooh, shit.

Speaker 13 Not really. Yeah, I don't know either.

Speaker 13 As much shit as I talk, I don't think I've seen it that often. I think I witnessed the end of a relationship on the train recently.
What happened?

Speaker 13 I think she might have had a couple drinks and he was not saying very much. And then she got angry that he wasn't saying very much.
And then she was like, you don't love me. You don't love me.

Speaker 13 And he was just like.

Speaker 13 She's like, you don't love me. I can't believe you don't love me.
And it was weird.

Speaker 13 I was also, I didn't like them because they were two people and they sat in the four-seater part of the train that was reserved for groups of three or more. Etiquette.

Speaker 13 And so I did not like these people anyway. And I was sitting right behind them and I was like, listen to this whole thing.

Speaker 15 I was like, this is crazy. That's wild.
That's crazy.

Speaker 13 Okay. I have not seen necessarily fights between people too often, but what I have seen on several occasions is at the airport, someone yelling at the like, the at the gate.
Oh, the gate agent.

Speaker 13 And you see that. And like, I've seen full-on meltdowns.
Which, like, that's the

Speaker 13 person you you want to yell at. Oh, it's it's always entertaining to me because I'm just like, I know that this can go nowhere.
Right. I know that you're only going to be escorted out of here.

Speaker 13 Yeah, they hold the power. And I'm just like, this is, I'm like, this is entertaining.

Speaker 15 When the whole like internet thing happened, when like,

Speaker 15 I forget, it was like Windows or something that was down. I was at the airport and there were so many people yelling at the apology.

Speaker 15 They were just like, we don't know anything. Everything's down.
And people were like, well, I need to get to Massachusetts. And I was was like well you can't nobody has any update for you

Speaker 13 the airport is where entitlement meets the wall yeah and it's very funny update

Speaker 13 wow

Speaker 13 thank you all for the overwhelming responses. I've been wanting to put Sarah in her place for a while now and I'm glad I did.
However, Sarah's mom got involved and is mad at me.

Speaker 13 Apparently, MJ told Sarah that he and his wife were separating.

Speaker 13 Sarah found out that he lied because he was secretly stalking his wife's Facebook page and and got the shock of her life when Wifey posted a newborn baby and MJ was there for the birth.

Speaker 13 Sarah did the math and realized that he got both of them pregnant the week of his birthday. She confronted him and he confirmed it.
He also said that she'll have to get over it or he'll leave.

Speaker 13 So she stayed and is now constantly in shambles. Not my problem.
Now on to the problem.

Speaker 13 That's not the problem.

Speaker 10 Savage.

Speaker 13 She kept the wife's baby a secret and only told her mom, who told my mom, who told my sister and I.

Speaker 13 so they said that they were pissed because I wasn't supposed to repeat it but I didn't know it was classified information after like a week that's all everyone talked about Sarah's mom my aunt reached out to me this morning and she said that Sarah's problem with me is that I always said I don't like kids and only a horrible person won't like kids and that I was mean to her about her kids two months ago two months ago she wanted to go to a party with MJ and asked me to watch her kids, all three of them, for free.

Speaker 13 I told her no, because they're untrained, I don't feel comfortable watching a newborn, and she'll have to pay me to put up with the other two. They're not dogs.
Yeah. 30 cents.

Speaker 15 30 cents for their meals, though.

Speaker 13 So I guess that's why she's still holding grudges.

Speaker 13 Regardless, Sarah's mom said she was having a really hard time after finding out about the outside baby, who technically is the inside baby, as Sarah's baby is the outside baby, but whatever.

Speaker 13 And she wants me to apologize for putting her business out there for everyone.

Speaker 13 she got my mom and sister involved so I just called Sarah and apologized she just said I don't care what you have to say and hung up regardless I held up my end of the bargain hopefully this gets blown over soon because your girl is tired oh okay

Speaker 13 I think this is a prime example of why are you talking to these people like I don't know like I know Reddit's responses often like cut people out but I'm like you hate this person yeah and it sounds like she hates you but they're family right cousins Cousins.

Speaker 13 I'm like, stop talking to each other. Like,

Speaker 13 you hate each other, is almost my initial takeaway.

Speaker 15 That is some crazy family drama.

Speaker 15 That is some tea. That if my mom served it to me, I would be definitely spewing it out at a restaurant.

Speaker 13 They're not good. This is not going to blow over.
You guys are not going to mend this. You're only going to hate each other more and more as time goes on.
Right.

Speaker 15 The beef meals.

Speaker 13 Okay. That is a wild one.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Our next story and our final story.

Speaker 13 This comes from Two Hot Takes. Shout out to Morgan over at Too Hot Takes.

Speaker 13 I accidentally farted on a first date and she walked out in the middle of dinner.

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 15 She's not the one.

Speaker 13 She's not the one. She's not cool.

Speaker 15 She's not the one. If you can't fart.

Speaker 13 Dude. I mean, unless it was like the fart that cleared out the room at Under the Mistletown.
We were just talking about that yesterday. Yeah.

Speaker 13 That one, that's probably the only fart that I can see ending date. I can still smell it.
That's rough. That is rough.
That was a bad one. Okay.
So bad. We all had Chipotle.

Speaker 13 Is that what it was? We all had Chipotle?

Speaker 15 Remember, like right before the show?

Speaker 13 So it's Chipotle's fault. It's Chipotle's fault.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 I met this girl a couple of weeks ago, and I've never hit it off with anyone like this. Extremely attractive, funny.
We loved all the same things. Everything was perfect.

Speaker 13 However, she kept mentioning all of her pet peeves, some of which are unforgivable and instant deal breakers. Our first date was this past Saturday night.

Speaker 13 I made a reservation at a hard-to-get into hole in the wall that's literally a tourist attraction in my town in Louisiana. Perfect spot for a quiet dinner.

Speaker 13 The quietness would become a detriment to my dating life.

Speaker 13 I had been gassy all day for no reason at all. It was one of those days.
However, they weren't noisy or smelly, so I didn't think much about it.

Speaker 13 We were talking and having a great time when I tried to ease one out, and for some reason, it was audible. A clear fart noise.

Speaker 13 In a desperate attempt to lie my way out of the mishap, I quickly said, That's not what I sounded like. I promise you, it was my chair.

Speaker 13 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 13 The night's conversational focus has now shifted towards the unidentified noise. Her whole demeanor changed, and there were no more laughs, jokes, smiles, nothing.

Speaker 13 One of her aforementioned pet peeves had surfaced. The night was effectively over.
In a last-ditch effort to recover, we decided on trying to recreate the fart noise with the chair.

Speaker 13 If I could somehow achieve this, I had a chance. Although slim to the noise.
What is this? Survivor? Yeah. What is this, saw?

Speaker 13 Although slim to none, a chance nonetheless. Long story short, I could not recreate the fart noise by scooting the chair around, and our now-delivered food was getting cold.

Speaker 13 She accused me of being a farting liar and left. It's now Monday morning, and I still haven't heard from her as I lie here and shitpost my gastric misfortunes.

Speaker 13 Believe it or not, this was the short version. Is there a chance for us, or is she out? Should I have taken ownership of the fart? Thoughts?

Speaker 13 Bro, you're gonna fart again.

Speaker 13 Okay. You're going to fart so many more times.

Speaker 13 Okay. I'm curious because he's not listening.
He's talking about it as if he made it clear. He's like, she had a bunch of pet peeves.
And then he's like, oh, one of these aforementioned pet peeves.

Speaker 13 I'm like, was her pet peeve farting? Definitely. Or lying.
She was lying. Oh.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Because I'm like, hey, man,

Speaker 13 you're not being clear to us. Is she mad that you lied about it? And you're being so intense about this lie as opposed to, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I think you're right.

Speaker 13 I think her pet peeve is lying, which is a good reason to leave a date. Farting being a pet peeve that is a deal breaker means you are never going to have a relationship in your life.

Speaker 15 Yeah, that's insane. Right.
Right.

Speaker 13 One of her pet peeves is just normal human functions. Right.

Speaker 15 But he thought it was going to be like a, and it was a. And it wasn't.

Speaker 13 See, because this could have been, this could have been a really cute, fun little date thing. Like trying to recreate the fart noise of chairs is kind of a fun activity.

Speaker 15 See, that is fun.

Speaker 13 wasn't, he also wasn't being smart about this. So, here's what he does.
This is the thing. Okay, let's see.
He farts, he blames it on the chair. Yep.
He's like, They're trying to recreate it.

Speaker 13 I'm like, You need to fart right as you're moving the chairs, right?

Speaker 13 So that you do it again, right? Yeah. And then she goes, Oh, it was the chair.

Speaker 15 And he's like, I mean, we've all been there, like, you know, when you were younger and you farted, and you were like, No, it was my shoe. And then you're like, rubbing your shoe against the floor.

Speaker 15 Like, I know why he did it. Yeah.
I'm not mad.

Speaker 13 No, I'm not mad either.

Speaker 13 He needed to cough at right at just the right second.

Speaker 13 yeah yeah like

Speaker 13 just in between every cough you're like damn it i can't time it

Speaker 13 oh my gosh

Speaker 13 it's such a great there's a family guy clip of peter coughing and farting at the same time it's one of my favorites farts are funny and if you don't think that i just dude it's hilarious no i mean like there's even like the like the super ancient like japanese art that shows like fart fart humor.

Speaker 13 Yeah, he's chosen. I love a good fart.
Yeah, so farts have always been funny. Update.

Speaker 13 What?

Speaker 13 Here we go. This is from one month later.
Oh. The date found OP's post and then made her own.

Speaker 15 I love when this happens.

Speaker 13 Oh,

Speaker 13 let's see if the stories line up. Walked out in the middle of a first date because he farted and lied about it.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 This is the other side of the story because my date posted his version here about a month ago and I just found out.

Speaker 13 This guy and I hit it off and after a few weeks of talking I agreed to go on a date with him. He was very funny, intelligent, and cute, to name just a few qualities.

Speaker 13 As we were getting to know one another, we discussed things that we love, hate, and annoyances from a relationship standpoint. None of them were crazy.

Speaker 13 Some of mine were, I won't tolerate dishonesty, I don't like feet, and I don't like bathroom talk.

Speaker 15 Feet.

Speaker 13 Fast forward to our date. Everything is going well.
We get our drinks and appetizers. He gets some kind of bean soup as an app.
Oh. He was slurping it out of of the bowl.
Didn't really bother me.

Speaker 13 It was just noticeable. Dinner comes out and he lets out the loudest rank fart that I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

Speaker 13 I work in healthcare.

Speaker 13 Honestly, he looked so embarrassed, I was going to ignore it and continue with dinner. That is until he practically yelled out, I didn't fart.
It was the chair. The chair farted, not me.

Speaker 13 I promise I didn't fart. So I said, it's okay.
Just please stop saying that and lower your voice. Y'all, I kid you not.

Speaker 13 This man starts scooting around on the chair and telling me he'll prove to me he didn't fart and just listen for the chair. This went on for a solid five minutes with people staring at us.

Speaker 13 I was so embarrassed and he would not let it go. I finally just got up and left.

Speaker 13 He left me several voicemails afterwards telling me how dramatic I was for leaving over a squeaky chair and how ridiculous my pet peeves were.

Speaker 13 I never responded to him and then I found out about his Reddit post. Can y'all blame a gal for walking out? No.
That's hilarious.

Speaker 15 This is such such a clear case of how we can be read a story and think it is just tailored one way, but when you hear it from a different perspective and not the person who's a part of the story, it is a completely different tale.

Speaker 15 There's always one person's side of the story, the other person's side, and then the truth.

Speaker 13 Of course. Yeah, absolutely.
It's always the aspect with these Reddit stories.

Speaker 13 And it's why, to a certain degree, every Reddit story always sounds a little fictional is because like, things are being left out or

Speaker 13 exaggerated in every single story.

Speaker 13 Even when I believe the person is 100% justified, and if we heard the other side, you still are getting one side of a story almost every time.

Speaker 13 This one is hilarious, though. This guy just got revealed to be George Costanza, and that's great.

Speaker 15 See, but it's like, it's so interesting because he was like, oh, I immediately tried to play it off. And she is saying that he did not play it off at all.

Speaker 15 And I'm sure that it's not necessarily that embarrassing, but it also probably wasn't as smooth as he described it. It was probably somewhere in the middle.

Speaker 13 And he made it sound like they were like both like, oh yeah, let's try to recreate the noise. But it was just him just like scrambling and be like, no, no, no, I can make the chair.

Speaker 13 I can make the chair make the, dude. Right.
I understand. Like, it sounds more like she left.

Speaker 13 Not just because he lied, but also he was being a straight-up embarrassment in a restaurant. Yeah.
Bringing attention to the whole thing when not letting have to happen.

Speaker 15 Which is definitely the cringy part of it. Yeah.

Speaker 13 So he was feeling gassy all day, but he ordered bean soup.

Speaker 15 He asked for it.

Speaker 13 No, it wasn't, it wasn't good planning. It's just like when I ate chili at chilies and then went to a party and farted.
Whoa. Yeah.
Dude.

Speaker 13 And I, yeah, that was, it was a bad idea. Did you clear the room?

Speaker 13 Well, I did it in a bathroom, but then I drew it, but the, the fart was so bad that I dragged it out of the bathroom and into the living room. Oh, no.

Speaker 13 Where then somebody went, who the fuck shit their pants? Said something like that.

Speaker 13 And it was the most embarrassing. It was, it was, yeah, it was really embarrassing.
Thank you both for being here, and uh, thank you for watching. Um, I hope you don't feel any embarrassments

Speaker 13 anytime soon. Um, let us know what other themes and subreddits you'd like to see on this show, and we will see you next Saturday.
Goodbye. Bye.

Speaker 13 Bye.

Speaker 17 Let's listen in on a live, unscripted Challenger School class. They're reviewing the American Revolution.

Speaker 19 The British were initiating force, and the Americans were retaliating.

Speaker 15 Okay. Where did they initiate force?

Speaker 19 It started in their taxation without representation.

Speaker 15 Why is that wrong?

Speaker 19 The purpose of a government is to protect individual rights, and by encroaching on individual rights, they cannot protect them.

Speaker 17 Welcome to eighth grade at Challenger School. Learn more at challengerschool.com.

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