Ep. 188. Nish Kumar - Junior Taskmaster S1 Ep7

Hello, and welcome to the Taskmaster podcast.

It is me, Ed Gamble, and of course, we are still talking about Junior Taskmaster Series 1.

And it's a big one.

It's the second semifinal of this series.

We will find out who will be joining the two contestants who've already got through on the Junior Taskmaster Grand Finale next week.

And it is a fantastic lineup of qualifying kids.

Very excited to find out who wins.

We know who wins, actually.

You should have watched it.

I'm not going to give it away, but you should have watched it.

And if you have watched it, please listen to this podcast because we'll be going into detail about everything that went down with a special guest.

And our special guest this week is the brilliant Nish Kumar.

Nish Kumar, of course, a Taskmaster contestant in a way.

Series 5, he was there, he was in the room where it happened.

Did he complete any of the tasks satisfactorily?

Not really, but he's a good vibe.

Looking forward to talking to Nish.

Make sure you go and see Nish on tour.

He's got more UK dates of his show, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe, which is excellent, highly recommended.

And also a whole bunch of international dates as well.

So let's get into it.

This is the Junior Taskmaster second semifinal, as discussed by Nish Kumar.

Welcome back, Nishkumar, to the Taskmaster podcast.

Hello, Edward.

How are you?

Very good.

Thank you, mate.

Thank you for coming back on the pod.

It's been ages.

It's been ages.

It's been so long.

We've gone back in time, and now all the blooming contestants are children.

Isn't it amazing how much we've aged that now even Taskmaster contestants look so young to us?

And I'll tell you what, it turns out that Greg looks very different when he was younger.

Greg has really changed, man.

Greg has really changed.

Greg's unrecognizable.

Alex, you can sort of imagine Mike being Alex's dad in the 70s.

Yeah, that if

you're making a sitcom about Alex Horn and you're looking for a quick flashback for his youth, Mike Wozniak's 100% playing that dad.

Also, Mike Wozniak looks like a 70s dad because of his moustache.

Yeah, because of his huge moustache and his dress sense and his general attitude.

yeah

his general attitude i mean look they're made for the roles let's be honest uh mike more obviously so but i think uh i think rose's take on being a taskmaster is excellent rose's personality broadly is fun aunt yes like that is a kind of big that's quite a big part of her personality and it's the fun aunt element of it is really what she's letting into because I was thinking how is she going to do this because you can't really you can't she you can't go full greg on children no absolutely not that would be awful but she's tapped into a kind of fun aunt she's you can she's still got a position of responsibility but when you're 16 she will let your friend smoke at the back of the house that's the that's the energy also when she's really like treating the children like they're children i found it very disturbing because it's sort of the way she speaks to me well i had i had this discussion with someone on the podcast as well is there's a moment where she gets really annoyed with a cheeky contestant and it was like she was speaking to me and you like

just disappointed, doesn't want the fun to stop, but does not want to be involved in the fun in any way whatsoever.

It is alarming the proximity to the way that she talks to me is with the way that she talks to children.

What else?

The other thing that's alarming is

children do not register Mike Wozniak as an adult.

No, whatever's going through there, but Mike Wozniak.

Now,

listen, no shade.

I'm also somebody who children's Terminator brains don't register as an adult.

They just look at me and go, why is that fat child allowed to drink alcohol?

And what's happened to him?

Yeah, and what's happened to him.

Yeah.

Also, I've realized that I look simultaneously like the Count and Fozzie Bear from Sesame Street.

So like,

there's a real number of reasons why children don't take me seriously.

But Mike Wozniak has children.

Yeah.

What is happening?

in Mike Wozniak's home.

I don't, I mean, he clearly has no authority whatsoever in the home.

They really disrespect.

There's no respect for him whatsoever coming from these children.

The ease with which the children call him Mike is funny to me, first of all.

There's not even like the pretense of like, should we call him sir or like Mr.

Wozniak?

They're just straight in with Mike, what are you doing?

I think he also looks like he could be a teacher, doesn't he, in like a

public school.

So I wonder if they're just like particularly, I'm thinking of my own school, basically, like

maybe, you know, a university graduate,

straight out, like posh teacher in a posh school.

And I think maybe they relish the idea that he looks like he should have authority, but they don't have to respect it whatsoever.

And I think they really take to that.

It really is astonishing his lack of ability to command respect from children, given that he's both a father and was a doctor.

Yeah.

Lest we forget, Mike Wozniak.

is a qualified doctor.

All I think is lapsed.

Severely under-discussed element of his personality yeah

um i mean look it's a brilliant series and i think we're really so good this this is the time as well we're seeing rose really open up to the idea of insulting these kids efforts as we get later on in the series and i think i i think it definitely happens in this in this episode as well she's warming up to the idea of um of taking points away from children and i love it Well, I guess also, once you get to the semifinal stage, she has some...

She's like, look these kids in the eye before.

They know her vibe.

Yeah.

So I think when she goes around for the second time, she can be a bit more,

a bit more like herself.

I use

not taking any nonsense from children.

Yeah.

Well, look, as you say, Nish, it's the semifinal.

It's the second semi-final.

This is where we narrow down the final lineup, apart from one place, which will go to the highest scoring third position.

And on tonight's semifinal, we have Gwen, Jamie, Kyra, Shanaya, and Zach.

Very, very good lineup.

Lots of different vibes flying around.

All of them equally good for Taskmaster.

I mean, what we're really enjoying about this as well is just they managed to cast children as if they'd cast the Taskmaster lineup.

There's so many different vibes.

Children have all different comedians' energies.

Was there anyone on this particular lineup that you identified with?

Listen, let's be well, I should have identified with, but certainly if they are

Zach has enormous Jack Black energy.

If we're talking about like flashback sequences, if anyone's doing a like school of rock prequel about Jack Black's character school days, 100% get Zach involved.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love the swagger.

We'll talk more about Zach.

Zach Black.

We'll talk more about Zach.

How many of these t-shirts does he have?

I mean, look, this is something else we've discovered through talking about Junior Taskmaster is kids love a slogan t-shirt nowadays.

And Zach has the biggest collection

for sure.

Listen, when we were growing up, you had one t-shirt.

It had an alien on it, smoking marijuana, and it said, take me to your dealer.

That was the one

in the 90s and early 2000s, that was the one acceptable t-shirt slogan.

Look, and now you're all grown up, Nish.

You have three t-shirts.

I've got

Science Museum, Jimi Hendrix, and Mahatma Gandhi.

What about Bob Dylan?

I'm actually wearing a John Coltrane t-shirt right now.

This is huge for me because I've never seen that t-shirt before, Nish.

Ed and his, I'll say it, wife are absolutely obsessed with my lack of t-shirts.

The pair of them are just constantly sassing me about my lack of t-shirts.

But I'll have you know, this is a John Coltrane t-shirt that you've never even seen before.

That's true.

And I was with you last night and you bought a t-shirt.

What am I sat on?

It's another of the same John Cole trade t-shirt because I bought two because I liked it so much.

Okay, look, I respect that.

You bought it in black.

You bought it in white.

That's two new t-shirts for you to ruin over the next 25 years.

Yeah, and I bought a t-shirt yesterday.

So suck it, Gamble.

Sorry for my language.

I know children listen.

Can listen to this episode.

Let's talk about the prize task on this semifinal.

It is the most magnificent metallic item.

It's another good prize task, plenty broad to get the kids' minds ticking away.

And, you know,

I think there were some good efforts here.

I loved going from Gwen to Jamie.

Let's talk about Gwen's because she's very, very sharp, Gwen, and bringing in the gong, great explanation.

She was, you know, going to bring a symbol, going to bring it, but a gong is bigger, it's better, it's more magnificent.

And you can hit it when you're stressed.

It's better than a therapist.

You can't hit a therapist.

that was that was so funny yeah so funny and not for the first time we were all thinking it rose said it children these days children these days children these days know what therapy is yeah i mean does that make for a better society in 20 years probably

i hope so not if they're hitting them with sticks sure but no you can't hit a therapist she was very clear about that nish yeah but like that sounded like something she'd learned through experience yeah

Maybe it's sort of rage room scenario.

Yeah, she brought the gong.

I loved it.

Very Al Murray thing to bring in, of course.

He has a gong guy.

And it made me excited.

It made me want to go on the gong.

Yeah, I like the gong.

I was pro the gong.

I was very pro the gong.

I mean, in terms of magnificent metal things, I thought it was very, very strong.

I was sort of lukewarm.

I was loosely pro the gong, but I think the therapist explanation, I was very pro.

you know i think so often with the prize tasks the the actual object itself is about 50 of it but the clarification and justification i was really impressed with yes very very good uh i mean jam straight to jamie who has brought a spork

um

i i love jamie

each episode I find new things to enjoy about Jamie's performance.

And this is a really top episode for him.

The spork, he goes all in on the spork.

He's so enthusiastic about the spork.

Rose is clearly not convinced by the spork until the points come in.

I thought she's absolutely doing this down, but it did very well.

I think it's the sheer shock of the spork.

I also, I have to say, I don't think you, I don't think cereal through a spork works very well at all.

No, I actually think of all of the possible food items that he could have used to justify the spork.

Cereal was actually one of the worst possible examples of it.

Well, you're right, because he's using cereal as an example, but that suggests he's scooping up just the milk with a spoon, and then he's trying to spear the cereal onto the tinies of the fork, which is not how anyone eats cereal.

It all goes on the spoon.

It's like you're making a Frosty's kebab.

Yeah,

you do not need to fork your cereal.

Real insight.

They let him get away with that a little bit.

But look, Rose's point of it being a leaky spoon is good.

It doesn't do any of the jobs properly.

But yeah, very, very funny.

I think enthusiasm got him a long way here, yeah.

Also, just the sheer shock of no one expecting there to be a spork, no, for the most magnificent metallic item, yeah, magnificence is never something I've thought of with anybody else.

I've never thought of what a magnificent spork, yeah.

Also, the spork's been around for so long, people don't use the spork in real life, do they?

No, no one uses a spork, you get given a spork, that's it.

You don't use a spork, yeah, except it's a spork in lieu of proper cutlery.

Yeah, it's not good.

It's certainly not a good spoon.

It's just a weird fork.

I'll tell you how you know: is that nobody's house has sporks in it.

No.

The spork has not come along and rendered the fork and the spoon irrelevant.

Not at all.

There's not suddenly only one slot in a cutlery drawer.

Also,

the humble knife got no look in it.

This conversation.

No, no, no.

There's so many foods you still need a knife to eat.

Yeah, definitely.

I mean,

basically, the spork helps with maybe very soft tofu.

Would that be fair?

That's the only thing it would help with.

I will say, as someone from a South Asian background, anytime I've used a spork has been appropriate, I've just thought I may as well eat with my hands.

Yeah, that's that's the spork.

Is the spork is just, I mean, it's doing very little more than just eating with your hands.

Would do the hands are the spork of the arm.

Fair

the hands of the spork of the arm that's an old uh i've translated it from the hindi yeah

that was another one of gandhi's actually yeah

you got that on a t-shirt yeah when he wasn't wanging on about non-violent resistance he was saying things like the hands of the spork of the arm

um

Kyra whose vibe I'm absolutely loving this whole series

brings in the Kelpies Well, it was a picture of the Kelpies, a statue of Kelpies.

Yeah.

Which, look, was wonderful.

It was lovely to learn about the Kelpies, but the prize was the picture that represented a metallic thing that represented something else.

I think it was just one too many steps removed.

But you have to respect the

pull to go, well, there's metal in the frame.

Yeah.

You have to respect the pulling of the metal in the frame.

And you also have to respect Kyra's obvious future job as leader of the SNP.

I mean because incredible I've never seen a child with that much patriotic fervor for their country but she was so pro-Scotland.

Yeah, Rose trying to agree with her but just saying it kind of is the best place.

She's like, it's the best place.

It kind of is, isn't it?

Just

perfect.

And just the eyes just absolute glare at Rose.

Fantastic.

Rose has pulled out this I'm a quarter Scottish thing a few times.

I don't know where she's pulling it from.

Yeah, come on.

You've got the job, Rose.

Come on.

What are you trying to do next?

Taskmaster Scotland?

Throw me in, mate.

McTaskmaster, let it go.

Oh, dear.

Once you start presenting this podcast about McTaskmaster, we'll know there's too many Taskmaster franchises.

Hosted by Rose McFayo.

Suddenly her Scottish jeans come out.

Can't believe McAfeo.

Unbelievable.

But yeah, everyone does love Scotland and they are right too.

And Scotland is great.

Shanaya, straight in money, brings in money,

pile of pound coins, metallic, of course.

But it doesn't feel like it shows enough money to buy the things that she wants to buy.

A yacht, for example.

Yeah, I'm amazed she's gone for a yacht because that's barely covering a spork.

With inflation where it is at the moment, that's barely covering a spork.

Though I do respect that the Asian did bring in money.

I respect that.

I respect that.

I think it was a really good idea.

But yes, I think it should have either been more coins or she should have presented some other options.

It needed to be so many more coins.

So many more coins.

It was about £15.

She also said you can buy anything with money except abstract nouns, which is a lovely point.

I really enjoyed that.

Funny point.

Yeah, very funny.

But there are so many things you couldn't buy with that particular money.

Most things.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

When you're a kid, £15,

holy hell.

Sky's the limit.

That's as much money as you think you'll ever need in your life, £15.

Two cinema tickets when we were younger.

Oh, God.

Not anymore, Nish.

There we go.

And we're back to inflation.

Zach, finally, Zach, this is the oddest prize, I think, but I think it's one of my favorites.

Brings in some modern art he's made representing fighting babies trying to climb to the top of a mountain of baubles.

So he made this.

This is what he's saying.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, no one's focusing on.

It's so good.

It is good.

It is genuinely good.

Yeah.

It is really good.

He's a talented guy.

It's really impressive.

It's funny.

It's weird.

Yeah.

But I really liked it.

I was very pro of this.

Yeah, and very metallic as well.

Look,

I think he hit all the points here,

but did not get the full points.

It was a very strong field.

Shanae gets the one point for money because Rose says something about money isn't everything.

Fun aunt.

This is what I mean.

She's a laugh, but she also understands she has some responsibility to pass on wisdom to children.

Funt.

Yeah, well, certainly not the aunt that I want to get a Christmas card from.

I won't even bother tipping that one upside down to see see if there's any money in it.

She says money's not everything.

Well, come on, it's Christmas.

She's absolutely giving out vouchers for hugs.

That aunt is absolutely just giving it.

Is that allowed anymore from

family relatives?

Vouchers for hugs?

That's fine.

I don't think you could give them out to random children.

I think that's the sort of thing that's the sort of thing the police have to become involved around.

Kyra only gets two points for the Kelpies.

I think she deserves an extra point for aggressive patriotism.

But unfortunately, two points for the Kelpies.

I think it was just one too many steps removed from being an actual prize.

Zach gets three points for the modern art, but I think he will win in the long run when he makes a lot of money.

He makes a lot of pound coins.

He's going to be on a yacht all thanks to his modern art.

Jamie gets four points for the spork amazingly.

Jamie, you notice as they're heading out, the points has gone very quiet because even he's like, I don't know how this has happened.

What?

I can spork and he gets four points.

But he believes in the spork and Gwen gets five points for the gong.

Okay, Gwen, it is so lovely to see you back here.

What is your most magnificent metallic thing you've brought in?

So the most magnificent metallic thing ever is a gong.

Oh!

There it is.

A gong.

Okay, please tell me more.

So at first I was thinking like cymbals, but then I realized that a gong is way bigger, way louder, which means it's way more magnificent.

So it'd be good for stress wouldn't it hitting that gong yeah fantastic double duty it's better than a therapist you can't hit a therapist

children today

task one work out the following information about this sleeping person without waking them up one their name two age three their job four nationality and five most recent meal let me tell you nishkumar i love this task it's one of my favorites of the series so far it feels like the sort of thing you'd see on a very very good kids tv show but also feels distinctly taskmaster let's not even talk about the task yeah let's just first of all talk about this task specifically carrying on the noble tradition of taskmaster production team finding some of the randomest people

where's this guy do they find this people also it isn't it just wouldn't be taskmaster without and like again i say this as as a former competitor it wouldn't be taskmaster without you walking into a room and seeing some guy that they seem to have pulled off a roundabout in chisuk

It's just some dude or some lady.

Well, normally it's

like a family member of a member of production.

Yeah, yeah.

Someone who's actually on production.

I don't think this guy's on production,

but he might be a family member.

But we never find out who that guy is.

No, there's no further discussion of who he is.

But I love it.

I just, the image of it was great.

And the way the kids entered into the room, like some of them being quiet, they were like, that's the game.

We can't wake this guy up.

Zach enters shouting at the top of his head, just so loud straight away.

Who's this?

Just so

Jack Black.

It's Jack Black again, yeah.

So funny, and just the whole, yeah, the whole feel of the task really made me happy.

I thought it was really good, it was really, really great.

Really good fun.

Um, a lot of them spot the Welsh thing straight away.

That's

yeah, Gwen, Shanaya, Zach guesses it.

Uh, yeah, Jamie was so Scottish initially.

There was a mild, and I genuinely was concerned for his safety.

With Kyra in the room, yeah, because Kyra would be, you know, like, we wouldn't have a dragon, like, or something.

Yeah.

That's not.

Yeah, just really, really funny, but I'm glad he picks himself up on that.

Yeah, yeah, he picked himself up.

You can feel the relief in the studio audience that he's not going to have to go in front of Nicola Sturgeon's niece.

Yeah, there is genuine tension when he makes makes that mistake

um let's let's talk about um possibly the most disastrous attempt which was kyra's because kyra first asks if the man comes from ebay good guess fantastic really where'd you find the man from ebay gets gets whales straight away that's fairly obvious yeah guesses sausage roll wrong yeah um and then explores for no more clues she stands back she's like you know what

i'm absolutely going to guess this this is taskmaster surely the the task is to guess a man's age and name from sight.

That is exactly the kind of thing I would have done.

Yes,

this is a Nishkumar attempt.

This is a real MK-47 job here.

Yeah.

Just at no point considering that there might be any other element.

Just thinking, actually, you know what?

I respect this person's boundaries.

I don't think I can physically interact with them in any way.

So the game must be to just guess and see who can get us close to the business.

Even though he has a bad book, his wallet's hanging out of his pocket.

I would have considered none of that, I wouldn't have even bothered engaging with it.

So, I respected this as an effort hugely.

I mean, I did as well.

If that's what you think the game is, just guessing what's going on, yeah, she guessed 61 years old, and John, which is what you would guess.

Yeah, he looks like a John, he's an Ian, which is damn close to John.

Also, he's 65, massive compliment.

Is Ian the Scottish version of John?

No idea.

Welsh

Is Ian the Welsh version of John?

I don't think it's the Welsh version of John.

I think it's the Welsh version of John and John.

Ian, Jan.

I'm trying to get some extra points here.

You saying it like you're like you've been put into slow motion is not helping in any way.

Welsh is not just English slowed down.

Sometimes it sounds like it, man.

And 61, a solid guess she she gets within four years.

I think it was very, very good guessing.

But I just, Kyra's vibe is so good.

Coming back to the studio and Rose being positive and being like, your guesses were so good.

It was so funny.

Yeah, it's so good.

Yeah, really, really strong effort from her, bearing in mind she doesn't look for any of the clues.

I want to address this pasty controversy.

Okay, here we go.

Why do they all think it's a bake?

Well, it looks like a a bake.

You know, you've been eating.

Yeah, right.

I thought this was like to do with like the sort of Gregg's industrial complex because I really only associate getting a bake from Greg's.

Otherwise, I think of them as like sausage rolls or

pasties, really.

Yeah.

But I mean,

I think it is Gregg's.

I think it is something to do with Greg's.

You know,

they've got a bit of a monopoly on pastries

and some very nice pastries they make too.

But the sausage and bean one.

Yes, please.

Yes, please i like the christmas one yeah i to be honest with you i actually can't go into greg's anymore why not that's not because there's been an incident just because like i don't have the discipline like i can't i don't have the discipline if i go if i go into greg's it's it's never gonna end

you're never leaving no i'm never leaving when we were at university together i used to eat those sausage and bean bait so often Yeah, and they are nice, but they are source of disgusting as well.

Yeah, listen, my guts are a nightmare to quite rose matophobia.

But Zach, so a few of them guess sausage roll, bake, and they don't get given the point.

You've got to look at what's in it.

Because as soon as you look at it, you go, that's pasty.

That's absolute pasty.

The consistency of whatever cat meat or whatever it is that's in there.

I don't know, man, because Zach guesses meat pie and doesn't get the point.

What's a pasty?

It's a meat pie.

Okay, we're having an interesting philosophical discussion here.

I think a Cornish pasty is quite distinct from a meat pie.

Well, what is it then?

I think a Cornish pasty is specific.

A pasty is a specific thing.

I think specifically

it has the crust, and then it has the

semicircle.

I think a meat pie properly has hunks of meat in it.

I think that's the thing that's the difference here.

Okay, well, look, to me, a pasty

is like a pastry casing with meat in it, which is a meat pie.

And I think they should have been a little more lenient on Zach on that occasion, especially since he read the party invitation and thought the man's name was Lan X.

Well, let's talk about

this white Welsh man who's clearly the most confused member of the Nation of Islam that's ever existed.

Lan X.

Lan X.

He's on his way to a Nation of Islam meeting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's on his way to open for Malcolm.

Yeah, he's bitten into the meat pasty.

Lan X is one of my series highlights.

Yeah, Lan X is great.

What I like about it as well, he's like, Lan X, and he thinks that's right.

And cut into the studio.

He doesn't seem bothered that he's done that.

Not embarrassed at all.

And why would you be?

No, but he's actually, what I like about it is that not only is he not bothered about it, he's actually offended on his own behalf.

Yeah.

He actually says, who Who puts an X on a letter?

Like, I like that level of like,

like, it is real opposite energy to Kyra, who's like, I did a bad job.

He's like, no, no, you shouldn't be writing X on things.

This is an invitation, not a treasure map.

And that sort of confidence in a silly mistake will get him straight to the top of government.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can riff with you.

Guesses he's 64, an even better guess than Kyra.

yeah based on just because he says the man looks like his nan and his nan 64.

yeah fantastic that man looks like my nan this poor guy pretending to sleep must have just been absolutely gutted day after day coming in and having those kids absolutely tear fucking shreds off him rinse him just rinse him

um i really liked the fake out of dressing him as a chef then finding out he was on his way to a fancy dress party where he had to dress something beneath the sea and

so so good the more obviously costumed job of a football referee

no nish you're you're a footy head i'm not

one of the biggest footymans do the refs tend to bring the ball

the refs don't tend to bring the ball i'll say that for them they don't tend to bring the ball the the red card and the yellow card fine the ball was a real surprise yeah yeah yeah i don't i didn't think so i've never seen that i do like the idea of the referee if the players were dissenting too much, just going, you know what, it's my ball, and I'm leaving.

I'm off.

I actually think that would clamp down.

There are constant and have been constant rolling conversations about how to stop players yelling at the referee.

Because the ref's ball and the ref could just leave with the ball.

That might solve a lot of the problems.

Just storm off with the ball.

That'd be great.

I've got to go to my wife's birthday party.

I loved that they were nicking the cash as well.

Gwen, who to me seems like she's very well-behaved.

Yeah.

25 quid coming out of the the wallet and presumably never going back to production.

So

that was referenced in the studio.

Yeah.

Gwen, where's this money gone?

And then she tries to bribe Rose.

Amazing.

But yeah, she does very, very well.

I mean,

it was good efforts all around,

regardless of whether they found any clues whatsoever.

Yeah.

My favorite answer to the stealing money, though, was Jamie taking it out the wallet.

And Mike saying,

why are you taking that?

And him say, because I want it.

Oh, so honest.

that was brilliant but the real for me my personal highlight of this round is mike wozniak shouting out slow maths slow maths

shout out to slow maths

jamie does some very fast maths that is arguably much too fast so fast guess is 72.

he's way off It's really funny because all the other kids that do the maths, it is genuinely impressive.

Like, I was watching this with my partner who, and I do, this did slightly worry me about her, was she was like, man, these kids are really good at maths.

And I was like,

I think you might be bad at maths.

But yeah, then he swung right in, blew past the correct answer.

72, baby.

72.

Yeah, shout out for Slow Maths.

That was a real, that's the series highlight for me.

Kyra got one point.

Zach got two points.

Gwen got four points.

Jamie also got four points.

And Shanea bags the full five points.

Where did you get this man from?

Yippee

and his nationality is

from Wales.

Look, he's got Wales on his socks and a little Welsh tattoo.

They're Welsh.

Most recent meal is a sausage roll.

Some sort of bake.

Like some kind of pasty.

That smells not very nice.

Don't say chef.

What are you basing that on?

You pickpocketing when?

Have you done them before?

My mum's.

Yeah?

What did you filter out in your mum's pocket?

Just a five pound note, but I gave it back.

Why?

Yeah.

Because I felt guilty.

I don't feel guilty this time.

Ian Jenkins.

1958.

So he's 65 years old.

His name is either William or John.

What are you basing that on?

I don't know.

John.

He's 61.

He's 61?

Yes.

How did you work out that he was 61?

I know people in the world.

Right.

Don't wake him up with your whistle.

Please don't get paid very well.

Oh, right, okay.

Thanks, Gwen.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Task two: Move the caterpillar safely from the living room table to the leaf on the caravan table.

You may only use two items to capture and move the caterpillar, and you must not touch the caterpillar with your hands.

You have until the toaster has popped to choose your two items.

Only then may you capture the caterpillar, and the caterpillar must be safely moved before the microwave pings.

The person who successfully moves and looks after it the best wins.

Your time starts now.

Now, when they were coming up with this task, it must have just been the image of what would definitely happen.

Yeah, work backwards from there there because it's how do we

how do we get these kids to drop jelly all over the floor yeah yeah how do we get put a face on a jelly and make it look quite sweet and then have some kids absolutely annihilate it it's so funny because they've all picked pretty much they almost all of them have some sort of useful receptacle and then the sharpest scraping tool possible yeah it's always going to go wrong no matter because you have no idea what it's going to be so whatever you pick is never going to be good enough shanaya even seems to think that the caterpillar is going to be a real caterpillar.

Yeah.

Because she's thinking about getting a pot and two leaves and tempting the caterpillar in and doing all of this.

I mean, so

it would, it would have been a huge, it would have been a weird crossover event between Taskmaster and I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, or Fear Factor or something.

Look, they all do their best with what they've picked.

Shanea gets the pot and two leaves.

Good, good idea, I suppose.

Kyra gets the brush and dustpan.

Another good idea.

Zach gets the box and lid.

Gwen grabs some gloves.

Gwen, I think, is the person who knows Taskmaster the most because she's using the workaround of gloves not being the same as touching something with your hands.

Yeah.

And obviously, that massively backfires on her.

But it's such,

I actually feel, I felt really sorry for her because I felt like she was almost being punished for being too smart.

Yeah.

Like in that instance, because I thought she's found the workaround, but it's actually, it's the worst possible thing she could have done.

Well, this is it.

This is why you can never be sure.

You can never, don't be, don't be too sure on yourself that you found a workaround, especially if you don't know what you're going to pick up.

Jamie,

he calls it a dustpan and brush, but it was sort of more of a squeegee type situation.

He also produces a sort of heartbreaking tone poem.

Oh, my goodness.

About a butterfly that he befriended and that immediately died.

Bobby the Butterfly.

I mean, he, it's such a sweet story.

You can see the pain in his face.

No.

He didn't want the, but it landed on his arm and he wanted to leave, but it died.

Yeah.

Poor guy, man.

It's real.

It's heartbreaking stuff.

Yeah.

Kyra reveals in the studio that she puts worms in her sister's pillows.

Yeah.

Really funny.

Yeah.

Really funny.

Really funny.

They're really annoying.

That's her justification for it as well.

Yeah, that you go, oh, no, you don't do that, do you?

No, no, no, you don't understand.

They're really annoying

oh right okay i see if they're really annoying you should absolutely put worms in your sister's pillows

welcome to scotland

disgusting disgusting

um they don't none of them do great with this i'd say nish what do you think i mean i think you're asking me two separate questions there do they do great objectively no they're all awful

Under the circumstances, do some of them make a really good fist of it?

Some of them make a really good fist of it.

Like, given when you walk in, you see that jelly caterpillar, yeah, given what a couple of the results are genuinely impressive.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's probably fair to say they all may have done better than you might have done.

Oh, I'd have eaten the jelly.

I'll just remind you, Nish, that the task is the person who successfully moves and looks after it.

The best wins.

I'd have eaten the jelly and sat on the leaf.

Regardless of what else is going on, I don't have the discipline to not eat a jelly.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I don't think that's looking after the caterpillar is shredding it up into a paste and then making it sit in your stomach with all the Greg, sausage, beet, and cheese melts.

Doesn't feel like a good place for a caterpillar.

No.

No.

Shanaya

tries to do something.

She gets it.

She, you know, it's broken in half.

But when she gets it back, she does try and look after it.

She's reshaping it.

She's putting it back into

shape of a caterpillar.

I think she grasps

the final flourish of the task.

I think she does a pretty good job with it.

We will come back to discussion there because there is some controversy about her effort here.

Kyra again splits the caterpillar in half, but dumps it out of the pan.

Bit more sort of like haphazard than Shanaya, but it still looks all right.

There's some care taken transporting the jelly caterpillar over to the caravan to Mike Wozniak.

Zach has a disaster.

He's very rough with the caterpillar anyway.

He puts it in the pot and he was almost shaking it around.

He does.

He literally shakes it.

Yeah.

It's just,

what are you doing, man?

And then he brings it back.

It's like he's clinking ice cubes in a whiskey tub.

Yeah.

Brings it back.

Last thing he does before the end of the task, pokes the caterpillar.

He touches the caterpillar with his hands.

The main thing you're not supposed to do.

Realizes in the moment what he's doing.

He's like, ah, no, I've messed that up.

Haven't I?

Respect him again.

He doesn't seem to care.

It's like the Lannix situation again.

I think in that moment, everyone understood that at the end of the day, Zach, it wasn't that Zach didn't know what he was doing.

He just wanted to poke the jelly more than he wanted to participate in the task.

Can any of us argue with that?

No, certainly not any of us on this Zoom call.

Yeah, if there's a jelly there, I'm poking that jelly, man.

I'm poking that jelly.

Yeah, too tempting.

But yeah, he realises and is DQ'd, which I think I'm not sure is a first for this series necessarily, but it still feels, it's a rare disqualification in Junius Askman.

It has to be a DQ.

It has to be a DQ.

It has to be a DQ because just the sheer brazenness of it.

Gwen has an absolute nightmare trying to bring that thing back in with her hands.

It's gone.

Most of it is just in the grass.

Yeah, it's all gone in the grass.

It's lost to time.

Fantastic excuse from her about what she left on the grass that it was its hair.

That's just its hair.

Gets it to the leaf, sprinkles some toast on top of it, which is nice.

Looking after the caterpillar, there was some effort there to feed the caterpillar.

Jamie has a, you know, he can't transport it either.

You know, scraping bits up.

Yeah.

I think my favourite moment with Jamie, though, is when he starts to tell the Bobby the Butterfly story.

The toast pops up.

He immediately gets distracted and goes, hello, to the toast.

Hello, straight back into the story.

Of course, that's your favorite bit because that's exactly what you would do in that situation.

Let's talk about Shanea.

There is some controversy.

Kyra

is very keen to point out that Azak touched it, no one's arguing with that, but also that Shanea touched it because she picked up the nose and popped the nose back on.

What do you think about that, Nish?

I mean,

the issue with Zach is obviously no one's disputing it, is he literally just pokes it.

Yeah.

I think you get into a bit more of a gray area because, like,

I mean, in technical terms,

it is touching the caterpillar with your hands.

Yeah.

So

I do think it should have been a DQ.

As do I.

Rose argued that it wasn't a DQ because she didn't touch the jelly.

Yeah.

This is not how bodies work.

Yeah, yeah.

If someone walked up to Rose in the middle of the street,

as you regularly do, and booped her on the nose,

she would not be happy about it.

You can't stand there and say, Rose, I didn't touch you because I didn't touch your jelly.

This is not how it works.

Yeah, I mean, it is the task does say you can't touch the caterpillar with your hands.

And so, I mean, the yeah,

Shana does.

I feel like it should have been a disqualification, but it wasn't because Rose is sexist.

So

any opportunity to do the men down, she's doing it.

Wow, this podcast is really...

Is this Joe Rogan's Taskmaster podcast?

So it was Zach naught points, Gwen two points, Jamie three points, Shanea four points, and Kyra five points.

I think Kyra gets a well-deserved five points there.

I feel like Shanea should have been naught points, but Taskmaster's word is final.

Basically, get the caterpillar,

scrape it along into this, and then you carry it along over here.

Something has changed about you.

Do you like my gloves?

They like Gucci.

But I'm not actually touching it, the gloves are touching it.

I once found a butterfly in my garden and I got too attached to it.

Emotionally?

Yeah.

What was the name of this butterfly?

Bobby the butterfly.

I was in in the pool, landed on my arm.

Yeah.

Hello.

And then I just didn't want it to leave and it died.

It's a desperately sad story.

Should we do this for Bobby then?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh!

Caterpillar, I'm coming!

Great.

Oh no.

Is that good or bad?

Bad.

It's a slippery little sucker.

Yeah?

Woo!

Okay, it didn't say it had to be in one piece.

Right.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my god, this is so good.

No?

Okay, let's go.

Okay.

You've rather lost the spring in your step on the way back.

It's not a death march or anything like that, is it?

Bad.

Um, that was just its hair.

Yeah, that was its hair as well.

Dinner's served.

Is that it?

It's Caterpillar.

I'd say that's just in the nick of time, wouldn't you?

Ooh, one piping hot bag of ratatouille.

I'll let you eat on your own.

Do you want to share?

No.

See ya.

Task three, pass the time in the most productive way.

The person who passes the time in the most productive way wins.

You have one minute to plan and five minutes to be productive.

The time starts now.

Tricky, this is such a broad task.

Yeah, this is a real, this is a this is a

pure creativity task.

You're really asking the kids to do something deep.

Yeah, yeah, do something weird, exactly.

Yeah, um, and I would have panicked in this one, definitely.

I know you would have done

any idea what you would have done, another Sudoku, maybe?

Yes, the yes, I think

this only would have been one or five for me.

Yeah.

Because sometimes the really open-ended tasks I did well in just because

if somebody leaves me alone and just asks me to be weird, I'm quite comfortable doing that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This either would have been, I would have won this task or I would have been escorted offset by Greg for a telling off.

Yeah.

But yeah, it is, it is really hard.

It is, it is a really, it is a really interesting thing.

Yeah.

Like it's, it's so, it's so open-ended it really challenges the kids idea of what productivity is as well because they all did very well i will say that i don't think there was a real howler in this bunch well let's talk about zach um because i think zach's

i think zach's was even though it didn't do well

I think it was the most honest interpretation we saw of what these kids do to be productive.

It was brutally honest.

It was brutally honest.

And I mean, half of his, he's worn several videos.

He wore, he, he signed his crime from a long way off.

Most of his t-shirts that he's worn say some variation of, this is interrupting me from playing video games.

So when he was left to his own devices, it was the most honest thing.

And he kept saying, I've got to get that save level.

I mean, he was just being honest.

The guy was like, I've got to do this stupid task.

And now I've got an opportunity to actually get on with my real job of playing playing computer games.

Yeah, yeah.

And he just does it in absolute silence, just sits there playing the game for five minutes, and then is surprised when Mike blows the whistle.

He's like, oh, he forgot where he was.

Completely lost himself in

his Taskmaster-branded video game device.

Oh, yeah.

They will never miss an opportunity to cover up a logo with a white.

Please.

Yeah.

I mean, very funny.

Conceptually, just a kid sat there playing computer games for five minutes as a task is very funny to me.

But yeah, the progress is important.

He was productive.

He got his save percentage up.

Well, listen, it's very unfortunate that this, the juxtaposition of two efforts that could not have more aggressively illustrated the gender binary.

Yeah.

Shanea walking around, perfectly happy, cleaning everything.

I actually thought, how is Rose going to manage this?

Because I was like, there's no way she's, she's got to acknowledge that it is insane That if you leave a young boy and a young girl and tell them to spend time productively, the boy plays video games and the girl cleans everything up and does Mike Wozniak's tax return.

Like, that is

at one point, I swear to God, I started hearing this woman's work by Kate Bush playing.

It was

like watching a Bridget Christie routine.

But what I will say is, she seemed very happy when she was doing it.

So who are we to prevent people's natural instincts?

I thought it was masterfully handled by the taskmaster.

The conversation around this, I thought, was that

this is why Matt Veya is the gold star choice.

She can still make the point, but in a way that doesn't upset the individual.

She can acknowledge the systemic problem.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Without passing the blame to the individual.

Yeah, absolutely.

The tax return was so funny as well.

Yeah, it was.

I can't help but feel that Mike's going to get a visit from HMRC come January.

I don't think some of those figures were above board.

No, I don't think so.

And the fact he didn't have any tax to pay, something's gone on there.

I will say that my accountant doesn't tend to just sit in a room with me and shout figures into a landline.

That isn't how my taxes are inspired.

Yeah.

And also a landline which, I mean, again, this is not a surprise generationally, the person making the call was like, I don't know how to use one of these things.

No idea how to use one of these things.

The problem her major mistake is she did Jimmy Carr's tax return by accident.

Just a long list of numbers and then phone down.

Nothing to pay.

Nothing to pay.

Kyra gets down to the nitty-gritty straight away, wants to know what productive means.

She's not messing around here.

I think Mike gives her a slightly wonky definition of it.

What does he say?

He says, like, do something or achieve something.

So I think she takes the word achieve by one of its other meanings.

Yeah.

I did enjoy Rose describing her as having a trampy energy at this moment.

Yeah.

The double thumbs up.

Looking down the camera, double thumbs up.

With an award that you've given to yourself.

Yeah.

Well, no, Mike gave the award.

We all saw the ceremony.

And it was the award for Mike's favourite junior taskmaster competitant.

and that's the sort of thing that Mike would come up with I thought it was funny yeah really funny I loved the the prize giving ceremony really made me laugh and I suppose that is productive you know in five minutes you've managed to win an award

you're an award winner yeah really really really good that award isn't i'm afraid to tell you no more or less made up than any other award that's given out

i'm sorry to tell you they're all made up yeah yeah it's mad when you think about that isn't it that awards are just made up yeah they just it's some person made it up yeah that's and now we've and now you've got a nobel peace prize it's all made up

it means nothing whoever's you know i know we've have a lot of nobel peace prize winners listening and if you know if you're listening to this episode trust me your nobel peace prize means as much as mike's favorite junior taskmaster competitant yeah It means as much as the inevitable award of that head of roses that looks like it was made by the lady from the hello Lionel Richie video.

Yeah, they've really not gone for accuracy with that,

as they do with all of them.

Yeah.

Internationally, I've never seen a Taskmaster trophy that actually looks like the Taskmaster.

Have the Taskmasters upset every single sculptor?

Yeah,

I think so.

That's the question.

What has Greg done?

I'm looking at the Greg tattoo over your shoulder where you passively, aggressively place it on the Zoom course.

Yes.

And I'm telling you, Greg has upset the person that made that.

I mean,

he looks even less like that now.

The guy's dropped some timber.

He's got a bit more color in his cheeks.

You know.

But I loved Gwen's perfect weekend when Mike asked Gwen's perfect weekend and she just goes somewhere in her head.

She transports herself to America and says if we go to America to go on the big theme park and ride lots of roller coasters because the definition of the roller coaster is incredible.

They make me, you know, I'm not in control, but I still feel safe.

So funny.

You look, it's that therapist money coming through.

She's got a real capacity to articulate her emotions.

It's very mature stuff.

Then she makes a cheese sandwich and passes a clock to Mike Lodes.

Again, this is Taskmaster revision, is what's happened here.

Passing the time.

Yeah.

Passing the time, I think, is

a clever way to make yourself stand out.

And you know what?

Looks like a pretty good sandwich to me.

Don't mind if I do.

I enjoyed it.

I think that the passing the time thing, I don't think Rose enjoyed that.

I thought she thought it was a bit clever.

Did you get that impression?

I think Rose was just upset because Wozniaka talked about her bowel movements on the television.

Yes.

She didn't enjoy that, did she?

She didn't love that being discussed.

No, well, she's not here now, and I know you've lived with Rose in the past.

So if you would like to divulge anything about her bowel movements now, it is the time.

She could use more fibre in her diet.

I'll say that for her.

The girl is irregular.

And trust me, this is coming from a man who is too regular.

Oh, I'm regular as rain, baby.

Yeah, but rain is not what we should be aiming for.

Hard rain's going to fall.

Oh, my God.

It was one point for Zach, which I think is fair enough, but I do think.

Listen, two things could be true.

We can all acknowledge that Zach's effort was an honest interpretation of the the task, and we can also acknowledge it deserved one point.

We should talk about Jamie.

Jamie's just like football.

And you know what?

I think I knew he was going to do that.

I think throughout the episodes that we've seen, Jamie, we knew that he was going to pick football.

That's because he's got the Grealish Alice band.

Yes, he does.

And even I know who Jack Grealish is.

The Calves boy.

And straight away he goes for football.

We know he loves football.

He wants to be a footballer when he's older.

He's straight out there.

They get a ball.

Presumably, they bump into the referee on the way out from the previous task.

They borrow his ball.

Loved the discussion when Mike says, the last time I played football, I broke a boy's leg.

And Jamie says, don't worry, I've done that before.

Yeah.

Mike clearly joking.

Jamie, absolutely not joking.

No, not joking at all.

He's being completely honest.

I will say that once Mike started playing football, I did believe that he hadn't played football.

And then I also, it did also double occur to me that Mike does participate, I think, in the Taskmaster football match.

Yes.

And And he definitely participated in the football match that we played in on Ellis James Estagdu.

And Mike volunteered to referee.

Yeah, he did.

He brought the ball.

He brought.

Yeah, Mike volunteered.

Look, Mike's in fantastic nick.

He's got very good cardio.

He looks wonderful in a pair of shorts.

He's not a natural ballsman.

But he is a natural enforcer of the rules.

I think one of the rules he enforced, I believe,

at the football match we played on Ellis James and Stagdu was that I think if you

if you scored a goal, you then had to walk around on your hands and knees for the next two minutes or something.

Yeah, there was a lot of dropping to the floor.

It was all of that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, there was a lot of stuff that I think would give football a broader appeal if it was brought into the game.

Well, I think my, I took up the, my position, preferred position, as I did on Alice James and Stagdu, was being in the on the sidelines drinking Cam Jan and Tonic.

Yeah, that's, yeah, that is, that is a position you took up quite early on and enthusiastically.

Yes, yes, indeed.

But yeah, seeing Mike play football properly,

well, I say properly, it's against Small Child, and he gets absolutely thrashed.

He gets run around.

He's absolutely knackered by the end of it.

And

Jamie rinsed him in the studio.

Yeah.

It was productive.

It was really active for Mike.

Yeah.

Also, Jamie does rinse him by scoring one of the goals by going on the floor and heading the ball along the ground like a worm, which is one of the great finishing moves in children's football.

So disrespectfully.

He bezoned.

So disrespect him.

It was incredible.

Yeah.

But yes, does very well indeed.

So it was Zach, one point.

Fair enough.

Kyra, two points, three points for Gwen.

four points for Shanea and five points for Jamie.

Yeah, and I'm fine with all of that.

I think that all makes sense.

We can all acknowledge that Zach's effort was an honest interpretation of the rules, but also it was rubbish.

Yes,

I feel like Kyra could have been given another point because I thought it was very, very good.

Being productive, so I'm going to clean all this for you.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

This looks a bit dusty.

That is done.

You've got a bit more.

A minute and a half left to be productive.

A minute?

Okay, right.

One minute and four seconds left.

You've cleaned the room.

Is there anything else you'd like to do?

Tax returns.

I beg your pardon.

Do you do your taxes on the phone?

You're going to do your tax return?

Now do your tax return.

My tax return?

Yeah.

I don't know how these things work, but okay.

Hello?

Uh-huh.

£79,63, £128,159.53.

Thank you.

Bye.

Thank you, Zach.

Okay.

All done.

It's all done.

I did it all for you.

So I don't even need to pay any tax or anything.

Right.

Great.

Bye.

Thank you, Shana.

The live task, this is one of my favourite live tasks full stop, I think.

Not just on Junior Taskmaster.

I don't know why they haven't employed wet Lou Roll so

for main taskmaster.

Throw a ball of wet luroll at Mike's moustache.

The person whose wet luroll lands the furthest away from Mike's mustache in each round will be eliminated.

There is a bonus round for the most direct hit.

There is something so satisfying about the splat of wet luroll.

Yeah.

And especially when it's splitting against Mike's face and there's a perspex sheet.

The first half of that is another one of Gandhi's most famous quotes.

This is so much fun.

I wish we could have had a go at this.

It would have been so much fun.

It's so good.

It's such a good.

Also, it's coloured lu-roll, so it makes it look really fun at the end.

It's great.

It's great.

I mean, even Kyra going out is almost worth it because she throws it so high,

it sticks to the sets behind really high up.

I would say the Scottish Shot Putting Federation

needs to get in touch with her very early.

Team GB, because she gets that thing so high.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Team GB.

I don't think she would accept Team GB.

I think she's

Team Scotland till she dies.

Yeah, she's at round one.

Round two, Jamie gets Mike square in the face, easily.

And he really gives it some with the celebration as well.

I mean, the celebration is the least of his problems.

He gives it some with the throw.

Yeah.

He's trying to get through that perspect screen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's really,

this episode, the key theme of this episode is Jamie is physically dominant over Mike Wozniak.

And I love that.

Gwen gets eliminated Round two, round three, Zach gets eliminated.

And the final round between Shanea and Jamie.

Gwen's elimination is tight because she gets very close to this perspective.

She does, but Shanea wins this game.

A very, very good episode for Shanea.

Spectacular effort.

That final

throw is fantastic.

Yeah, it's exciting.

I could have watched the whole episode of this.

Kyra gets one point.

Gwen gets two points.

Zach gets three points.

Jamie gets five points, four points plus the bonus for closest to Mike's mustache and Shanea gets five points meaning at the end of this second semi-final heading into the final we have Zach on nine points doesn't seem bothered he seems like he's had a nice time he's had a great time this is the attitude we want he's had a good time he's managed to up his save percentage

what more can you ask for Kyra gets 11 points.

Sad to see Kyra go.

Very sad.

One of the great competitors.

Truly.

Gwen gets 16 points.

Shanea on 19 points through to the final, and Jamie on a very, very strong 21 points also through to the final.

Meaning that it's the final next week.

We have four of our competitors.

There's one space up for grabs, Nish.

The highest scoring third place.

Gwen gets 16 points.

I believe the other highest scoring third position from last week's semi-final is Scarlett, who also gets 16 points.

So I do not know how that's going to manifest itself in the final, Nish.

We will see.

Yeah.

But

both very worthy competitors.

Nish, thank you so much for coming back on the Taskmaster podcast.

We always ask our guests to rate their experience on the podcast between one and five points in the style of the Taskmaster or indeed the junior Taskmaster.

Please, Nish, we hope you've had a good time, but how many points do you give it?

Five points to put in my shid.

Guess which Taskmaster I was being there?

I'll never tell.

Never.

We'll never find out.

Nish, you have extended your stand-up tour of your brilliant show, Nish, Don't Kill My Vibe.

Yeah, I've got UK tour dates in 2025.

I've got US and Canadian tour dates in 2025.

I've got Australian and New Zealand-ish tour dates in 2025.

The shit comment might be about to come and bite me in the ass at the Auckland and Wellington shows.

Yes.

Well, look, I'll see you there.

I'm coming with you.

Nishkamar.co.uk.

Good boy.

And you also co-host Pod Save the UK.

Damn right, I do.

Which is a bit like this podcast in a way.

Exactly.

It's exactly like this.

Instead of talking about,

see, if you substitute Taskmaster for UK political news, it's identical.

Would we are we ever going to see a junior pod save the UK?

Is that on the horizon?

I would love that.

And I would definitely get Rose to host that as well.

Yeah.

I'd love Rose and Wozniak to host a new show.

Junior Pod Save the UK.

Fantastic.

Look, keep an eye out for it, everyone.

Nish, thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Oh, yeah.

See you later.

Thank you so much to Nish for coming back on the podcast.

Welcome anytime, of course.

You heard all about his tour dates there.

Get onto his website.

Listen to Pod Save the UK.

Nish is a wonderful man.

Look, he can come back on next week if he wanted, but we've already got another brilliant special guest book for next week.

I'm not even going to tell you who it is.

Thank you very much for listening.

Come back here same time next week to listen to us discuss the final, the grand finale of Junior Taskmaster Series 1.

But for now, I've been Ed Gamble.

Thank you very much for listening.

Goodbye.