EP.217 - ADAM AND JOE LIVE @ ROYAL FESTIVAL HALL

Hey,

how are you doing, podcats?

It's Adam Buxton here.

You'll never guess where I am on a farm track out in the East Anglian countryside,

UK, Norfolk County.

It's a beautiful evening.

I wish you could see this.

It's magical.

It's one of those George Lucas Star Wars prequel sunset evenings.

Oranges, peaches, pinks, mauves,

washes of beautiful magical cloud as the sun sets.

It's a few days before Christmas as I record this.

I'm here with my best dog friend Rosie, Whippet Poodle Cross, in case you're interested.

And she is bouncing.

I'm gonna let her off the lead here because there's no one around.

Rosie, hang on a second.

Let's unclip you.

There you go.

She's in a great mood.

Keen to come out for a walk.

Haven't had that for a while.

Maybe she's as jazzed by this magical sunset as I am.

It really does feel like we're in a hobbit film out here.

I wish you could see it.

It's crazy.

We're walking past a Christmas tree field as well.

So it couldn't be more festive.

How are you doing, podcasts?

I hope you're alright wherever you are, whoever you're with.

Whether it's lots of people you really want to be with, some people you really don't want to be with, or no people, and just you.

I hope you're okay.

Oh man, I'm going to take a picture of this sunset so you can see it.

Mate,

I'm going to post that on my blog

with the notes for this episode.

I've got a blog, I've got a blog.

Rudy, rooty, spooty, rooty, blog, blog, blog, blog.

I've got a blog.

Here's the address, here's the address.

It's adam-bugston.co.uk.

So check it out.

That is where you will find not only the notes for this episode and all the others, but other bits and pieces and a link to buy tickets for the 2024 live podcast shows.

We have 10 dates lined up.

I think there are going to be a few more from around May to June.

I'll give you more details at the end of the podcast.

But tickets are going to be on sale from the 29th of this month, December 2023.

So get in there early.

You'll find a link to my website in the description of today's special festive podcast.

Shut up, Buckles.

Why didn't you play the opening theme song of the podcast?

We went straight from the adverts into you on the crunchy track.

What the hell's going on?

Well, I'm mixing it up because it's festive time.

Santa Party Zone.

Non-denominational festive area.

And this Christmas podcast is a special one because it was recorded in front of a live audience on December the 12th, 2023.

It was a sold-out night at London's South Bank Centre in the Royal Festival Hall, no less.

But Buckles, we don't like change.

And haven't you expressed reservations about live podcasts in the past?

Well yes and I don't like change either.

It's horrible stuff.

But I do think you're going to enjoy this one.

It's a record of a wonderful evening.

By some way the biggest live show that me and Joe have ever done.

One of the warmest audiences I've ever performed in front of.

And we made sure this show that you're about to hear was stuffed with festive joy and nostalgic sprinkles.

And let me tell you, my traditional festive guest Joe Cornish

very much brought his A-game to this thing.

He had created magnificent bespoke audio nuggets.

There was a live performance of one of Joe's songs, a Song Wars classic, featuring my son Frank on guitar, 21 years old.

Only started learning how to play the guitar in the lockdown.

And my other son Nat, who was away actually when we did the show, also contributed an original piano piece that he came up with for my Song Wars song because we had a new Song Wars battle for this show.

So thank you, Nat.

In addition, we also enjoyed a few of your made-up jokes and egg corns.

And to round things off, there was a Royal Festival Hall appearance from Her Majesty.

All this is coming your way.

But before we continue, very briefly, I would like to just give a shout out to a worthy cause.

If you're one of those people who sometimes says to me, Buckles, it just feels wrong that I get all this incredible condensed nutritional audio joy from the podcast for free.

Please, please, can I send you some cash to make up for it?

Well, that's nice of you, but it's okay.

The sponsors look after me.

However, if you are in a position to part with some cash, it would be wonderful if you could donate to St.

Mungo's.

They are a charity working to end homelessness and rebuild lives.

The ongoing cost of living crisis means homelessness is continuing to rise.

The harsh reality is that the average life expectancy for people sleeping rough is 45 for men and 43 for women.

St.

Mungo's frontline workers are out day and night helping to bring people in off the streets.

You can help make it someone's last night on the

and their first night of a new life by making a donation to St.

Mungoes this Christmas.

If you're able and willing to donate, please visit mungoes.org/slashbuxton.

There's a link in the description.

All right, I don't think I need to say anything else at this point.

I'll be back at the end to twist your generosity nipples a little bit more.

Is that a good Christmassy phrase?

I apologize if it's not.

And to give you a bit more info about the live podcast shows in 2024 and a film that I appear in,

documentary film

and

other odds and sods.

But right now, here is myself and my son Frank performing a special live version of the podcast theme before bringing on

Cornballs Cornish.

Here we go.

Just coming.

This is my son.

Frank.

Got a tape I'd like to play.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin.

Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening.

I took my microphone and found some human folk.

Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke.

My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man.

I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan.

Yeah,

we did it!

Hey!

How you doing, podcast?

Oh, it's so good to see you.

My nepo baby, Frank.

This is first gear.

Royal Festival Hall, not bad.

Frank will be back later on.

Right now, without further ado, let's get my guest on.

He is the director of the films Attack the Block.

The kid who would be king.

The Netflix series Lockwood and Co.

The seminal DIY television program the Adam and Joe Show

and a classic sixth form production of Bugsy Malone starring Adam Buxton as plus size Sam.

It's Joe.

Cornballs.

Cornets!

Nice to be here though, the Royal Festival Hall.

I mean it's it's sad for the Royal Festival Hall.

But it's really nice for us.

And hopefully for you too.

Has anybody been here recently to see anything else like any other kind of show?

SpongeBob.

Yeah, we're dealing with

the upper echelons of the artistic audience here.

I came here to see Brian Eno a few weeks ago.

That's good.

I came to see, I realized the other day that I hadn't seen many classical concerts with a full orchestra, you know?

I'd listened to them on recordings, but never seen one live.

So I came to see Marla's fifth here.

Oh, that's my favourite of Marla's.

Yeah, yeah.

As featured in Jared Leto's Gucci campaign.

That's why I wanted to see it.

I love Jared.

So I came here and I sat about there,

stalls like maybe the 10th, 11th rowback.

And do you know who else was sitting in the middle about the fifth rowback?

Jeremy Hunt.

He came you know what he looked?

He looks like one of the pathetic sharks from Viz

If you put him in a suit and he came in with this sort of beady front and centre look and just glided into his seat

and just dunk up the whole fucking thing

by just being there.

Now I feel after all those years on BBC Six Music, I still have an urge to say something for the sake of balance.

Like,

now I feel like I have to bad-mouth some labour politician who came in.

Off you go,

Keir Starmer.

Good, well done.

Okay.

Now look, we have to do the Ramble Chat Jingle.

Good.

Oh, yeah.

As with all of these things, you're welcome to join in.

In fact, we'd prefer it if you did.

But this is a slightly different version of the Ramble Chat Jingle.

This one is a soulful piano version that was sent in a few years back by Ben Cooper.

So Ben, if you're out there, I respect you and I'm grateful.

And now, Adam,

when you played me this earlier, I couldn't help thinking you were trying to steal the crown from the greatest jingle ever written.

Just stylistically, I'm just saying it sounds very similar to the retro text the nation.

I'm just saying, see what you think.

You're triggering me.

And, you know, your podcast is very successful, but

can it reach those heights?

Listen as Adam tries to claw his way to those heights.

I honestly, I didn't think I would be triggered so early on.

Ramble chat, a Christmas ramble chat.

We'll focus first on this, then concentrate on that.

Come on, let's chew the fat and have a ramble chat.

Put your fluffy winter coat on and find your Santa hat.

Come on.

Please welcome your host for the Adam Buxton podcast live.

It's Nigel Farage.

No, Adam Adam Buxton.

I pressed that in the wrong place.

I forgot that was on there.

I did it just before we started.

I thought that would be a funny joke about Farage.

Is there such a thing?

I can't believe I spoiled the end of Ben Cooper's beautiful Ramble Chat piano version.

That was beautiful.

Thank you, Ben.

Thank you, Ben.

That was really good.

That was pretty great, wasn't it?

Yeah, but not as good as the Retro Text the Nation jingle.

Do you want to just sing it?

No, I couldn't possibly murder it.

I used to listen to Adam and Job, but I listened to the podcast, not the live show.

I used to feel acute frustration because I couldn't join in with Text the Nation.

But now my troubles have disappeared because retro text the nation's here.

And now my letter might be read out.

out.

Instead of thrown in the bin, stroke

trash and forgotten about.

Whoa.

So it's, you know, this is the first time we've done anything in a room this big together.

So I thought, you know, I was thinking, like, what kind of person is going to come tonight?

Who's going to make the effort?

to be at this show.

So to find out, we planted microphones.

And I hope you don't mind this,

but we planted a lot of microphones all around the foyer to pick up little bits of candid conversation between you as you came in.

And we've been working feverishly to select the most telling bits and play them back to you now.

So please, if you recognise your voices in the snippets I'm about to play,

Raise your hands after the snippets.

Here's the first one.

Well, this is very exciting, Marjorie, Marjorie, isn't it?

Very exciting.

I'm very excited to see Joe.

He's by far the funniest of the two and terribly handsome and it's so rare.

He's out in public.

It's so very exciting.

Yes, I agree.

Joe is definitely the best of the two.

Oh no, I've sat on the Rolos.

Well

they just sounded sad.

They sounded sad.

Are you out there?

If that was you, you might have like a Rolo stain on your back pocket.

So that was that one, and then

this is the second one that we recorded.

So what would you say your favourite Adam Buxton podcasts were, your favourite ever episodes?

That's a good question, William.

I had to do a bit of thinking.

Mine would be probably definitely the ones with Joe, the ones that remind me of the old six music days,

the old ones.

I don't know, there's just an inescapable chemistry that cannot be recaptured with the solo work.

I would tend to agree.

Yes, I would tend to agree, Jeff Ronge.

And these are just

random mics that have been placed in the foyer.

That was somebody called Jeff Range.

Jeff Ronge.

Jeff Ronge.

If you just raise your hand, somebody pretend to be Jeff Ronge.

Jeff Ronge?

There are two people called Jeff Ronge.

Jeff Ronge.

Who would have thought it...

It's a popular name.

It's

Swiss-ish.

1965 was a big Jeff Ronge year.

So look, you might have been thinking that those clips are a bit biased towards me, that I just selected the ones that made me sound good.

No, can I help you?

Hello, um, I bought.

Oh, this is at the uh, this is at the ticket office.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, um, I bought 500 tickets for the Adam Buxton Christmas podcast recording here today.

I just discovered Joe Cornish was part of it, and I'd like my money back because he's a cock.

That's just for balance.

That was.

I think that was my wife.

My wife.

This is another one we recorded at the box office.

Hello.

I purchased this ticket for the Adam Buxton podcast on the understanding it was a popular top 10 podcast, and I've recently discovered it's actually the 49th most popular podcast, which is almost not even top 50.

So I would like my money back, please.

Thank you.

49th!

And then finally, there's one that's actually a little bit controversial.

I don't know whether I should play it for legal reasons.

I mean, this,

if you did miss I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here this Year, and you're missing Anton Deck's very amusing links,

then don't worry because we're doing this now.

I mean, have a listen to this.

The crow flies south for the winter.

And in summer returns to her home.

You must be Helena.

Hello, I'm Terry from Louis Thoreau's office at the BBC.

Hello, Terry.

I've been told to come here in disguise and take notes.

Is that right?

That's right.

Louis just wants to know how they do it.

Obviously, they were in podcasting long before he was, and a lot of the techniques that they innovated, he just simply doesn't know how to do.

So he really wants to learn from them so he can gain the edge in his own podcast.

He's very, very competitive, and obviously, this subterfuge is financed with taxpayers' money.

So, for God's sake, stay covert.

Don't let anybody know who you are or where you're from, okay?

Yes, okay.

Um, what happens if I'm powerfully sexually attracted to Adam and or Joe and have a sort of espionage, torrid affair with Adam and or Joe and switch allegiances?

Well, that could very well happen, and if it did happen, Louis would have you killed again with taxpayers' money.

Um, this never happened, we never met, good luck, uh, goodbye.

Murdering people

very sad.

Have you been watching his shows recently?

I have, yeah.

The only thing I'd say about Louis's show is they're sort of

80% about the guest and the other 20% about Louis's body.

I mean any excuse to take his shirt off, to have someone to tap his pecs,

wouldn't you say?

Yeah, but that's good, that's vulnerable.

Do they know?

That's what they call thirst trapping, isn't it?

Isn't that what it's called?

Someone used that phrase to me the other day.

That phrase before.

All right.

By the way, audience, I've bought my Switch and a novel in case things get boring.

Really good.

Anyone read that?

What have you got?

Rachel Cusk, The Last Supper.

Brilliant.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Well, you can have a read of that after this next bit.

I'm a funny person.

I often make up jokes.

My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.

When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree.

Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party.

It's made-up jokes time!

Thank you very much to people who submitted bits and pieces for the podcast this year.

Sincere apologies if we are not going to read yours out.

I read every single one.

I laughed and laughed except for some of the ones that were quite harshly critical of a couple of the episodes of the podcast that I did recently, which you you sneaked in there.

But these are some of the fun made-up jokes.

And I, if you don't mind, Joe, I'm going to kick us off with one from our friend, friend of the podcast, Garth Jennings.

He went to Greece on holiday this year, and he says, On holiday in Greece this year, I was prevented from practicing my martial arts.

It was a Corfu Kung Fu curfew.

I'll say that again.

It was a Korfu Kung Fu curfew.

Now I ruined it

and it didn't get the laugh because at first you were laughing.

You thought that is good.

That is good.

Then I ruined it and then the laughter was a bit muted for the full punchline.

So I'm going to do it one more time.

Are you in, are you in...

He directed the Sing films.

Are you in Sing 1?

I'm in Sing 1, but you wouldn't know.

Are you in Sing 2?

Definitely in Sing 2.

Yeah, well, you're not in Sing 3.

Not going to make it to Sing 3 after that.

Tippy Toes!

Okay.

So good, a big laugh for Garth.

Garth's joke, otherwise, no Sing 3 for Buckles.

On holiday in Greece this year, I was prevented from practicing my martial arts.

It was a Korfu Kung Fu curfew.

Thanks, Garth.

All right, this is quite a tortured one.

I like tortured ones.

This is from Tim.

I don't know how to pronounce this.

B-R-O-U-G-H-T-O-N.

Broughton.

Broughton.

Broughton?

No, I said it right.

Broughton.

He's from Brisbane in Queensland.

It says, Dear Buckfast and Corn Dog, it is with great relish, he's put that in capital letters, so I'm going to say, relish,

that I submit my made-up joke to you.

Not just because it is an extraordinary linguistic feat, a phonetic gymnastic triumph, but also because I've been sitting on it for a couple of decades.

That's right, since I conjured up the bad boy, I've been married, had a child, changed careers, and moved to Australia, all the while thinking that I really ought to send Adam and Joe my made-up joke for the Christmas special.

Talk about putting way too much pressure on the joke.

Anyway,

I should have done it in an Australian accent.

What a lost opportunity.

Anyway, mate, enough preamble.

Here goes.

A cat went to the wild fowl hairdressers to get cornrows in her fur.

A swan welcomed her on arrival.

A goose did all the styling.

A heron swept the floor.

At the end, a duck-billed platypus.

They're still thinking about it.

They're still processing it.

That's it.

Hope you like it.

Love you.

Bye.

Tim Brochton from Brisbane, Queensland.

That's a good one, Tim.

Beautiful joke.

Thanks for sending that in.

Terrific.

Lots to think about there.

A lot to think about.

Here's one from Gavin Hogg.

Hello, Messrs.

Cornish and Buxton.

This is one for you, Joe.

Why did the lead singer of Prefab Sprout want to join Half Man, Half Biscuit?

Because he was partly Macaroon.

It's very niche, that one.

It's very niche.

The lead singer of Prefab Sprout is called Paddy McAloon.

So actually, it's a brilliant joke.

You know...

Half man, half biscuit, partly macaroon.

I mean, it works on a lot of levels.

It does.

The thing about these made-up jokes is the more you have to explain around them, the better they are.

The better they are.

Exactly.

You do one more.

I will do one more.

Okay,

dearest Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish, I present to you for Christmas two jokes I made up myself as a child, neither of which got the audience they deserved in 90s Ipswich.

Pearls before swine.

Joke number one, what did Mary Antoinette eat for breakfast?

Rococo pops.

Oh

high end.

What do you call a whale that swims in circles forever?

Mobius dick?

Am I saying that right?

Yes.

Yes, Mobius Dick.

It's just got them dots over the O.

What are they called?

Diuresis.

Not an umlaut.

Umlaut.

Is that an umlaut?

Yes.

Anyway, ha!

Exclamation mark.

Lots of love, Claire.

All right, I don't know whether I should read this bit, because I think you just included it to blow your own trumpet, to polish your own buttocks.

P.S.

I was at Blue Dot, Brown Dot as I now like to call it, for your Bowie Bug special, Adam.

Yes.

Happy Christmas kiss from Claire.

Thank you.

Yeah, Blue Dot.

Oh my lot.

It was on the news, the Blue Dot Festival.

Really?

Because the rain was so extreme, it turned into just a river of mud, and they had to stop people coming into the festival on the day that I was performing.

Coincidence?

All right.

Now,

I would like to ask you, Joe Films Cornish,

about your 2023 in film.

Well,

it's not going to be that much.

I was just going to ask you about some of the films you enjoyed this year.

Let me tell you that I enjoyed the film BlackBerry.

Have you seen that?

Yes.

Quite good.

Quite good.

I laughed.

You sound a bit equipped.

No, I do like it.

It's just I can't really

publicly give my true opinions of films because it'll ruin my career.

It's not like the old days.

I mean, that's not very good for this segment.

No, I'll just play it.

It was really good.

I love it.

Like a film about a phone, good idea.

No, but seriously, because it's a challenge, isn't it?

How do you bring it to life?

And

they do it.

No, they do.

It's very good.

It really is good.

It's funny.

I loved BlackBerry.

How about that?

Especially like the first half an hour.

If you don't love the first half an hour of BlackBerry, I'm not sponsored by them, by the way.

It was just, I found myself spontaneously laughing.

And I was like, like, oh yeah, spontaneous laughter.

I'd forgotten what that was like.

Really?

When you laugh, how do you usually laugh?

Is it how, I mean, how early do you plan it?

How what?

Well, spontaneous, I would just suggest that most laughter is spontaneous.

Like, unless you're a psychopath,

when you would sort of long-range plan your day,

7:30,

I will smile for joy at the song of a blackbird.

Or, you know, I don't know.

Am I...

No, I know what you mean.

Yes.

Fair point.

But you mean, I think you mean sort of unsort of mediated laughter.

It was a lull.

It was an absolute lull.

It just came out

and it wasn't internal.

It wasn't forced.

It wasn't insincere.

I get it.

It was just like I just found myself laughing.

I think I might plan my laughter though in the future.

Maybe I will from now on.

How about so?

Now you can't even,

you know, half the people involved with Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning.

I do, I've got a credit on the end.

Did you?

What for?

For playing the lead, of course.

No, no, just in the special thanks right down the very end.

Right.

Yeah.

Did you have any

interaction with TC?

Listen, you don't want to start stuff.

I don't want to start something that could go on for another decade.

Well, have you got a short, fun story about TC

for this live Royal Festival Hall audience?

Who knows if we will ever be invited back to the Royal Festive Hall Hall?

So I went to see

a working cut of the film.

I was invited to a very, very, very select screening with maybe 30 people, and Tom, Tom, Tom, Tommy Boy, was there,

and so was Chris Macquarie, the very brilliant director, and the editor, Eddie Hamilton, very brilliant.

And it was much longer.

It was really good.

There were no special effects in.

You could see all the rigs and the wires.

And at the end, Tom came out and they asked for notes.

They're very sort of honest, and they say, tell us whatever, like anything, there's no rules, tell us whatever you want.

So I gave them a note.

Have you seen the film?

So do you remember

the bit in the like, they've got a big typing pool and there's a glass box and they're having a big important meeting.

Quite near the beginning.

Yeah, yeah, and then somebody sets off a green smoke grenade.

And have you heard you remember that bit?

Yeah.

It's very exciting.

So my note was, Tom, Joe Cornish, Adam and Joe.

It's not.

I've made it sound like a press conference.

It wasn't a press conference.

I said, don't you think the people in the typing pool could see that through the glass windows?

And there would be immediate Brouhaha in the whole typing pool.

What's Brouhaha, Joe?

It's just a.

It's a.

That's what Tom said.

Yeah, no, he knows what Brouhaha is.

No, he doesn't.

If anybody knows what Brouhaha is, Tom knows it.

That's page note.

Anyway, do you know what he said?

He said, he looked at me, he said, great note.

Great note, that's it.

Just a great note, great note.

I thought, Jot it down, Joe, and then let me doodle on what you wrote down.

I've got a great idea for a doodle on that note, Joe.

Did he do it in so?

Okay, my suggestion was: make the glass mirrored glass, like two-way mirrored glass.

So that's a good, good fix.

Very simple digital fix, cheap 2D fix.

Didn't do it.

But he was so convincing when he said, great note.

I was sure he was going to do it.

But that's how good he is at acting.

Chris, did you hear Joe when he said

when he did that note about the two wait?

I know.

I love it when he does that.

I can't tell whether that's flattering or insulting.

It's insulting because there's no way that they were going to do it.

They get you in to humor you.

They don't want to hurt your feelings.

I don't know what hold you've got over them.

But somehow you're invited to these things and I'm not.

And

there's got to be some way I can rationalize it.

So listen,

have you ever thought, Adam?

Uh-huh.

Of changing your name.

Oh, good question.

Just to bolster your acting career.

What's wrong with my name?

That's one of the few things I'm happy about with myself.

The world's most famous actors have Italian sounding names.

Oh, yeah.

Right?

Ending in an O.

Brando De Niro Puccino DiCaprio.

Yes.

Adam Buxtio.

Adam de Buxtio.

I think you'd get more work.

Alternatively, if you have a name ending with man,

you're in really good shape.

Jackman Hoffman, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Newman, Freeman, Hackman, Oldman, Rickman, Goodman.

Yes.

What a film.

Jackman Hoffman, Hoffman, Newman, Freeman, Hackman, Oldman, Rickman, Goodman.

In a few goodmen.

No?

It'd be a good remake of A Few Goodmen.

It's also good to have a name ending with O N.

Washington, Lemon, Nicholson, Burton, Norton, Damon, Neeson, Gleason, Gibson, Heston, Jackson.

What could they star in?

I tell you, they could be in the new Wes Anderson film.

Yes, they probably are.

But just looking at those lists, I mean, it's fun to think of like dreamcasting based on names, don't you think?

Yeah.

Like, I'd like to see David Niven, Jeremy Piven, and Robin Givens in a remake of Unforgiven.

Niven, Pivens, Given.

Unforgiven.

For years, I've wanted to see Emily Woof, Jonathan Cake, and Imogen Poots in something just to hear the trailer go, Woof, Cake, Poots.

Puss in Boots.

Or,

Poots, Woof, Cake, Top of the Lake.

Top of the Lake.

That's like a movie version of Top of the Lake.

Was that a TV show?

Or Cake, Poots, Woof.

Horseman on the Roof.

That's a French film.

I'd like to see, is Wendy Craig still with us?

It doesn't matter because digital.

I'd like to see Wendy Craig and Craig David

in a film and Daniel Craig.

I want Hanks and Banks in Crank.

Tom Hanks, Elizabeth Banks in Crank.

I've got a lot more of these.

How long have you got, seriously, how long have you got?

Sean Penn, Sherilyn Fenn, John Glenn, a few good men.

Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, the Red Shoes?

Cruise, Cruise, Shoes.

Don Cheadle, Jeremy Beadle, Panic and Needle, Park.

You'd have to bring Beadle back from the dead, but anything's possible.

Cheadle, Beadle, Needle.

Thank God that I'm not.

I want to do one more, do I?

Haven't got any more?

Have you got none?

No, that's it.

That's all of them.

That's all.

Oh, that was good.

Thank you.

I mean, some of those.

Some of those might just get commissioned on the basis of those rhymes.

I think Netflix would commission those without any qualms.

I mean, anything that's sort of spiky and snappy, they'll go for.

Yeah.

Yeah, very good.

That's all I'm giving you.

I'm just giving you...

Yep, very good.

Thanks.

That's that's a Rory Stewart trick actually.

Do you listen to the rest of his politics?

I have listened to some of them.

Yes.

Yes.

He's good.

When he has no response whatsoever, he goes, very good.

Very good.

It's good.

It's like sort of verbal tidying up.

Yes, exactly.

Just polish the hob.

Hey,

I've got a present for you, Joe, an audio present.

Hooray.

And

that sounds sincere?

I'm just going to move this here.

Am I going to knock anything over?

No, okay, that's good.

All right.

I'm on top of things.

I shouldn't have.

Didn't mean to press that.

Okay, this is an audio present for you, Joe.

And these are secrets.

Yes.

Did you get your book out just now?

I mean, honestly, when you haven't read a novel for a bit and you read a good novel, it's just some of the descriptive language is like fireworks in your head.

It's such a pleasant sensation.

Put the book away.

Put that book away.

Don't touch that switch.

Okay, these are secrets of success for you.

Okay, great.

My name is Yandrew.

Author of the well-selling book, The Secret of Succeeding at Success, and twice runner-up at the Inbox Newsletter Awards for most frequent newsletter and most difficult to unsubscribe from newsletter.

And I am here to give you the gift of simple secrets of success.

Success.

Here is a secret for movie success for you, Joe Cornish.

Are you excited?

I'm very excited, Yandrew.

This year, the success of the film Barbie, about a popular children's doll toy, provided a clear indication that if you too would like movie success you should do a film like Barbie.

Wow.

Success.

Tell me more Yandrew.

All you have to do Joe is think of a toy that you liked as a child then do a film with that toy.

For example, if you played with Star Wars toys

Yes, I did, Yandrew.

You could make a Star Wars film.

Wow.

Success.

Imagine the film.

It starts out in Star Wars World.

They go into the real world and it blows their minds.

People just laugh at Darth Vader because he is dressed like Darth Vader, which in the real world is considered by some people to be sad.

There could be in the film a song about Star Wars.

That could be the song

in your film about Star Wars.

And like Barbie, the film could contain an important social message.

In this case, that we should not discriminate against Star Wars.

You are successful.

The most important secret of success is do not let failure make you stop.

Failure is the most important ingredient in the cake of success.

You can find the full recipe behind a paywall on my website.

So when you you fail, you must not stop.

No matter how many times you fail, you must not stop.

Even if you fail so hard that your partner leaves you and your friends turn their back on you because what you're doing is so bad

and they're embarrassed.

You must not stop.

Even if you have failed so many times that it's obvious to everyone that you should be doing something else.

You must not stop.

Even if you're trying to be a surgeon and

you fail the exams, keep going

and do surgery anyway.

Success.

That's the end.

That was very wide-ranging.

Advice.

Now, look, cornballs.

Yes.

I think it's time we did some music and I could get my Nepo baby son out.

Okay.

Were you not expecting that?

No, but we could do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Are you sure?

Do you want to do a different thing?

No, I want to do that.

All right, okay.

Frank Buxton.

So tell us what we're going to sing today, Joe.

Well, this is probably a bad idea, okay?

But as a Christmas gift for Adam, I'm going to sing him a song about Margaret Mountford.

Now, I'm not a professional singer, and this song hits some very high notes.

So this is probably a bad idea.

But if you wanted, does anyone remember this song at all?

Yeah.

Now, this was...

from Song Wars when we used to be on BBC Six Music and and we would challenge each other to do songs every now and again.

And this one was on the subject of The Apprentice, 2009 we're talking about.

And I googled on the Wikipedia page who won.

And I was convinced that you thrashed me with this one because it is one of your best.

But I won.

I won 64% of the vote with my song, which was Ken Corder singing a song about the apprentice.

Does anyone remember that one?

Three.

Do you?

I had to look it up because I couldn't remember it myself.

The chorus was,

he's a stupid moron, she's a stupid moron, I'm going to win because I am a genius.

You've always had the common touch.

I don't think those lyrics are even acceptable anymore.

I'm amazed that I won.

It was a different time.

I'm glad to say the world has moved on.

And now, this is a bit of positive revisionism because we can celebrate together the true genius of this song about Margaret Mountford.

Maw!

And I'm going to try and harmonize with this.

That bit's going to be bad, okay?

Hang on to your hats.

Are there any...

Do you know that bit in Chitty Chitty Bangwang when all the dogs rush into the sweet factory?

That's about to happen.

The toot sweet factory.

All right, here we go.

Let's have a go at this.

Standing at the back, making notes on a pad.

In a tailored mat, deciding who gets sacked at Sir Alan's side.

A trusted employee,

a handsome woman with so much dignity.

Mark with

Mountford,

your

head is like a cloud.

Your lips are red,

and your

eyes strong and brown.

Reading the results dispassionately.

Young people today, not what they used to be.

Some well-chosen words, a little bit gruff.

She rolls her eyes, she's had enough.

She lets out a sigh, puts her head in her hands.

To be on TV was never part of her plan.

She's on the team, but she stands alone.

While the candidates argue on their mobile phones.

More grid mount,

your hair

is like a cloud.

You can join in on this bit if you want.

The last bit.

Your lips so red, and

your eyes

strong and brown.

Frank Buxton on guitar.

Thank you, Frank.

Beautiful singing, Joe.

Thank you, Frank.

I remember Frank coming and visiting us in the BBC Six Music Studio when he was a little boy.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, he was teeny weeny.

He had blonde hair and he was very small and shy.

Yes.

Well, he still is.

He's not so small.

He's still quite shy.

Oh, that was a long time ago.

Yeah, that was like, well, that was around about when that song was composed, 2009.

We have

some of our Six Music team here.

I think our producer, James Sterling, is here.

Claire Slevin, one of our producers, as well as

Caroline Hunt.

Oh, man, they were good old days.

So,

you, you know, guys, you might remember that if you listened to the Christmas podcast last year, that I launched some of my own podcasts

to try and compete with Adam, featuring my cat Smudge.

Anybody remember those podcasts at all, The Whisker Through Time?

You might be wondering what happened to them.

But, you know, that year there was an explosion of podcasts.

There was a lot of money swirling around in the podcast business.

There's been a major contraction.

As you know, Harry and Megan's podcast was axed by Spotify.

A lot of podcasts have been kind of cancelled.

And sadly, all my raft of smudge podcasts was cancelled.

It's been a tough year for very creative people.

Yeah, but

I've got good news in that I am coming back with a new podcast next year.

And I'm trying to cash in on this spate of of supernatural podcast.

Good idea.

So my idea for a podcast, and this has been commissioned, so it's exciting, what I do is I get the public to send in their personal supernatural experiences.

And then every week I interview somebody, and then we put the story to two experts, a skeptic

and like a someone who believes in the supernatural.

And I think it's going to be a big hit.

I get the sense that there's a lot of spooky stories out there that people really want to get off their chests.

Do you want to hear a clip?

Yes, please.

Yeah, okay.

Here's a clip of my forthcoming supernatural podcast.

I wasn't half asleep.

I wasn't half asleep.

Case one, the mystery man.

Hello, let's start this week with a brand new case.

Our witness is Tim.

He's a man with two legs, two arms, ears, a nose, and a mouth.

Not the kind of guy you'd expect to tell a story like this.

I must have been been about two years old and I was in my playpen and I can recall this clear as day as if it was yesterday.

I was all alone and the door to the room opened very slowly and a figure stepped into the room.

He was very tall and completely green and he had a huge nose that took up, you know, the top third of his body.

It was extraordinary.

Wow.

Well, I've just had to step outside and the hair on the back of my neck is standing up.

What a genuinely terrifying story.

But guess what?

It's about to get even scarier.

And he just stood there and looked at me with these little black eyes like dots.

And I remember quite clearly.

He had very short arms and almost no legs and no ears or mouth.

And he was entirely nude.

Tim, that must have been absolutely terrifying.

Yes.

Yes, it was rather long.

Such a strange encounter, unlike anything we've ever heard before.

Okay, let's bring in some experts.

First, Dr.

Nigel Nutclam, Professor of Rational Thought at Bristol University, and Linda Fairydust, Sasquatch, Nessie nonsense burger from her house.

Nigel, it's everyone's nightmare to have a big green man with a huge nose walk into their room.

Yes, but what he's describing sounds very much like Mr.

Nosy from the Mr.

Men books, and he was too at the time.

Okay, so it could be just his imagination, but Linda, it also could be a genuine supernatural experience, couldn't it?

Yes, it was.

It was a ghost.

Okay, wow.

Thanks, Linda.

Very persuasive stuff.

But listener, what side are you on?

Are you team boring?

Or are you team fun time scary scary ghosty story?

Email me, let me know.

Now I think you'll agree.

Thank you, thank you.

Wow, thank you.

I think you'll agree there's nothing like that out there.

So, my fingers and toes are crossed that that takes off next year.

Oh, that's strong, man.

That could spin off into all kinds of different areas.

Yeah.

Plays, movies.

Plays and movies and

books.

Yep.

That's all the areas that I could think of.

Yeah.

Thanks very much.

Hey, how about some egg corns?

Eggcorns.

Now, would you how about would you freestyle an egg corn jingle over some beets?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Look,

I just sung the Margaret Mountford song.

Freestyle an egg corn, jingle over some beats.

Egg corn, egg corn.

Here comes A, B, and J corn with some egg corns.

Words that make no sense.

Misheard words that get you off the fence.

If you're sitting on a fence when it comes to egg corns, don't be forlorn.

Sit on my lawn.

I mean, that was better than I

could have dreamed.

Sit on my lawn.

I don't know.

I sprung that on him.

He totally rose to the challenge.

It was like eight mile.

Yeah.

It was incredible freestyling.

Egg corns.

So.

Slice stars?

Yeah, you kick off.

I've only got one.

Yeah, we've only got a we've just got a small handful of egg corns for you.

Do you guys know what egg corns are?

You don't need to be reminded about egg corns.

Misheard phrases, right?

Yeah, again, these are from the real world.

This is from Mina Crikshank, aged 13.

Sorry, how did you say the surname?

Quicksand?

Crickshank.

Crickshank.

I mean, that is Cruikshank, man.

Cruikshank.

Have you never come across Cruikshank?

No, not Mina.

No.

I've never met her.

Cruikshank.

Cruikshank?

What did I say?

You did a nice bit of pronunciation.

You gave it a bit of extra pronunciation respect.

Well, lucky girl.

You sort of went Kriegschenk.

Kriekshank.

You know what?

From now on, I'm going to call her Mina.

All right.

Mina.

Dear Adam and Joe, I was walking through the park with my mum, dad, and brother, whom was eight at the time.

My brother Ollie was telling us that when he was in class, a spider appeared on someone's desk.

Suddenly, all the eight-year-olds in the room screamed their heads off when my brother said, Don't worry, everyone, it won't hurt you.

It's not a feminist spider.

Venomous.

He meant meant venomous.

On which we erupted into laughter.

Thank you for reading this.

Love your podcast so much.

It's not as good without Joe.

Yours sincerely,

Mina Krikshank.

Good one, Mina.

That was brilliant.

Sorry if I destroyed your name.

That was very good.

It's not a feminist spider.

Have you got one?

Yes, let's see.

I've got one from

Haley.

Haley's from Southend-on-Sea.

And Haley says, Hi.

Like everybody else in the UK in the 1990s, my friend Mia and I, another Mia, would watch Family Fortunes on a Saturday night.

It wasn't until years later that she disclosed to me that rather than the survey of 100 people providing the number that gave the points for each answer, she thought that there was a man called Al Survey Survey behind the scenes

who would generate random numbers and even allocate prizes as was his whim.

Owl Survey said 47.

Merry Christmas, Adam and Joe, love Haley from Southend on Sea.

Owl Survey.

I had that with when I was at school in Wales, when I was a youngster,

and they would say the Lord's Prayer, and the head boy, when I was at this school in Wales, in South Wales, was called Aled.

And so when they would get to the bit,

Alead be they name,

I thought, oh, if you get to be head boy, then you get inserted into the Lord's Prayer.

If only it was me.

We've had a lot of people sent in thanks, Peter God.

Thanks, Peter God.

That's a common one.

Thanks, Peter God.

Confusing times.

He's part of the God family.

He's one of the nicest members of the God family, Peter God.

Are we halfway through the podcast?

We're halfway through the podcast.

I think it's going really great.

The conversation's flowing like it would between a geezer and his mate.

All right, mate.

Hello, Geezer.

Nice to see you.

Ooh, there's so much chemistry.

It's like a science lab of talking.

I'm interested in what you just said.

There's fun chat and there's deep chat.

It's like Chris Evans is meeting Stephen Hawking.

Yeah.

Now that

is dedicated to Dee.

Dee sent in a message.

Hi, Adam and Joe, but mostly Adam, Saz Joe.

Firstly, an apology.

I am disabled and neurodivergent, and for a long time, my impairment didn't allow me to listen to podcasts.

I forgive you.

I'm magnanimous.

Over time, continues Dee, I have been able to better manage my symptoms and use various tech, so hello podcasts.

Well, just yours mostly.

It's become a special interest, hello autistic trait, says Dee, of mine.

And I basically binge listen to every single episode over the course of about six months.

In other news, I bloody love the jingles and would love to be able to listen to them on demand.

Can you put an album out of these, please?

Are you sure this is real?

This is real.

This is real.

My favorite is halfway through the podcast.

And this is perhaps where the anecdote comes in.

In the jingle, you mentioned Stephen Hawking.

Fun fact.

I once taught Stephen Hawking the rules of Roland Derby, Derby.

When he came to watch my team training, he didn't know the rules, which surprised me as I thought he knew everything.

So I have bragged ever since that I am actually more clever than Stephen Hawking because I taught him something he didn't know.

Thank you for reminding me whenever I hear the jingle that this actually happened and isn't some kind of fever dream.

A lot of love and thanks to you and Joe D.

Three kisses.

P.S.

If you don't read this out, I'll tell everyone your ablest wank stains.

It's classic.

Classic bullying from the neurodivergent community.

Good tactic.

Let's move on to.

Traveling tales, traveling tales.

Tales of traveling on a train or an automobile or an aeroplane.

I want to know what your travel entails.

All aboard the Squadron!

All right.

Now,

I've got a traveling tale for you, Joe Cornish.

Cool.

And this happened to me earlier this year, and I wrote it down in the form of a sort of formal message so I can get all the important salient facts across.

Feel free to interject anytime you wish or ask any questions.

My wife, Sarah, and I, I wouldn't normally say her name, but I thought it would be Christmassy.

We were traveling earlier this year on a very busy train to to Scotland.

Have you ever heard of that place?

Yeah, I have.

It's there.

And we were on the train to Scotland.

I was sitting on a single seat, busy train.

I'm on a single seat on one side of the aisle where there's only single seats.

On the other side of the aisle, you've got your four-person tables.

Sarah was across the aisle, sitting at a table with three other women that we didn't know.

There had been many delays that day, so it's absolutely packed out.

That's That's why we weren't sitting together.

And Sarah had struck up a conversation, friendly conversation, with the delightful women that she was sharing a table with while I was doing some laptop work across the way from them.

The refreshments trolley came down the aisle.

It was being wheeled by a woman who looked like Super Gran.

Oh, yes.

A lovely Scottish grey-haired lady.

She didn't have the tamarshanta.

Is that what you call them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like Nessiewares.

Exactly.

Yes.

She didn't have the tamarshanta, but otherwise she was the split of the mighty Super Gran.

Anyway, I asked her.

Was she holding the trolley like this?

Yeah.

With her elbows up.

She definitely was, yeah, yeah.

I asked her if she had tea, but I forgot to ask if she had oat milk.

which normally I would prefer.

So Super Gran gave me some tea with dairy milk.

I don't mind that, not the end of the world.

Across the aisle, Sarah, my beautiful wife, my wife,

also ordered a tea, but she had the presence of mind to ask for oat milk.

Super Gran said, yes, no problem.

Gave us some oat milk.

So sorry, she was Scottish.

She's Scottish.

Yes.

She's a Scottish lady.

Oh, yes, oat milk.

No problem.

There you go.

Anyway, I was like, ah, damn it.

Oat milk.

okay.

So I said to my wife, knowing that she would normally, she would be the one that takes dairy milk, I said, oh, do you mind if I give you my tea with the regular milk and I'll have that oat milk one?

But before Sarah had had the chance to reply, Super Gran, perhaps not realizing that we were together,

said, well, she might not want that one

to me.

So I wanted to explain to Super Gran that we were married and and that I had inside information about how my wife likes her tea.

I wasn't just a stranger

who just demanded tea from

random women.

But anyway, for some reason, all that seemed a little bit much to explain.

And I think maybe I was trying to make Sarah's new friends laugh.

So instead I said, She's my wife, so she'll have what she's given.

How did that go down?

I swear to you, Super Gran and everyone nearby who overheard the comment gasped.

And some of them gasped and some of them just made this noise like, ooh.

A couple of people shook their heads

and looked at Sarah with pity and concern.

So I was absolutely mortified,

but also so was my wife.

And she sank into her seat looking embarrassed and meek.

But that had the effect of making me look even more

like the kind of controlling monster that I had just tried to impersonate.

But I concluded my traveling tale with, maybe a husband who makes a joke that lands so badly and embarrasses his wife that way is a kind of monster.

What do you think?

I just think that's a very Christmassy ending to the story.

What no, but for real, what happened?

Did you get, were there consequences?

I just, it was one of those moments where it was like, ah, shit, everyone thinks I beat my wife.

Did you talk about it when you got off the train?

When you were,

what did you say to each other when you were away from that?

I said, why didn't you make it clear that you were my wife?

You made me look like a monster in there.

Merry Christmas.

Good story.

I've only got one left.

Yeah, I've only got a couple here.

Okay, this one is from Ollie Dabson, aged 32.

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.

She plays Hannibal Montanable.

I might be in the audience on the night, but please can Adam and or Joe read this one out.

Ollie, are you there?

Are you here, Ollie?

He's not.

He's not.

Ollie, you killed.

That was Hannibal Montanable.

That's absolutely amazing.

Now this is a message from a military person.

I quite like getting messages from military people, don't you?

Well, yes, they could potentially kill you.

That's right.

They could kill me.

Yeah, but they said...

Yeah, they like you.

They're sending you messages.

They're being friendly.

They're tolerating you.

They're tolerating you

before they kill me.

I like it.

This is an American person,

so I should probably do an accent, shouldn't I?

Yes.

I am a sailor in the U.S.

Navy from Boston, Massachusetts.

That's an accurate Boston accent.

This is my second year now bringing this peach to the Buxton Agricultural Joke Fair.

It's a very strong bit of wording there at the top.

I've been listening, I'm gonna drop the accent.

I've been listening to you for a long time after hearing you and Joe and Louie whilst living in Glasgow a decade ago.

You've gotten me through some long, cold, and lonely nights at sea, standing watch on lookout or at the helm.

So I thought I'd repay you in a made-up joke.

I wrote this one when I was a seaman out in the Pacific Fleet aboard the USS Tripoli.

It always fell on deaf ears amongst my shipmates because of the vocab, but I know that you two have much more refined taste.

Here's the joke: Did you hear about the crooked Corgette who turned his life around?

Now he's on the straightened marrow.

Pretty good response there.

there.

Very good.

Thanks for everything and keep up the good work.

Very respectfully, BM3 Calhoun William

Boatswain.

Oh, that's Boatswain, isn't it?

Or is it Boatswain?

Listen, at this stage in the evening, I think we've established that we're both borderline dyslexic.

Boatswain?

He's the Boatswain's mate.

Mate?

Third class petty officer.

Oh, petty officer.

I don't like the way you curled up that rope.

The angle of your cap isn't jaunty enough.

You didn't salute me quick enough the other day.

Full day's jankers.

That's military lingo, Jack.

Yes, it's good.

That's a petty officer.

That's a petty officer.

He's being petty.

There's a PS.

In case this is broadcast, I would like to clarify that I never listened to the radio on watch.

I always waited with great anticipation until I was relieved as lookout or helmsman and lay below to my rack.

Wow.

Oh, I love it.

Very romantic, isn't it?

Military.

Military jargon.

Is that it for your jokes?

Yeah, I only had one left.

Well, you've got some in the cup if you want.

Christ, the cup.

Remember the cup from last year, anybody?

The chat cup.

The pee pee cup.

That's the cup I used while I was talking to

somebody on the podcast to relieve myself.

It was a Zoom call

and

I washed it out.

It was all disinfected.

Is this Christmassy?

Yeah, I think so.

People have a lot to drink at Christmas.

Have you found one?

Well, I did, but it's very strange.

I don't know about that one.

It's also like urine-based.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I've got another one that's urine-based.

Read your one as well.

This is urine-based.

Who selected these?

A urine fan.

You did.

Urine Gagarin.

Go on, you do your wee wee joke and I'll do my one.

And then we'll do that.

Okay, I don't know about this one, though, listeners.

Don't do it if you don't know about it.

There's others in the pee-pee cup.

Okay.

Well, I'll read this one.

I'm reading this totally blind.

When my daughter was about two years old, I took her out for a day trip at our local zoo.

When we got home, her dad asked her what she saw.

She proudly stated that she'd seen a big wang.

Her dad, slightly confused and mildly nervous, asked her, What kind of a wang?

A wang-a-tang, was the reply.

Nice.

That's like a made-up jokes/slash egg corn.

Best wishes, Jennifer.

Oh, that was good.

That had a nice

relief at the end.

Yes, it was.

Everyone was relieved.

More wee jokes.

Final Wii joke.

This one is from Shannon from Australia.

Shannon is a he here, mate.

Mate,

I've been sitting on this one for a while, mate, but finally had the chance to send it in.

Why was the New Zealand lock wet?

Because of the Kiwi!

Somebody urinated on the lock.

Love your work.

Thank you, Shannon.

All right, Jay Corn.

Okay, now listeners, when you were young, like me and Adam were a very long time ago, did you ever get obsessed with like little snippets of films and television, little lines in movies or TV shows that stood out?

And did you then repeat them ad infinitum the next day in the playground?

Because me and Adam and the BBC's Louis Theroux certainly did.

But it's interesting how when you pick out these little phrases, you often don't listen to the the source for years and years, and the phrases sometimes kind of mutate and become different, right?

Like for years, we said that line from Flash Gordon that went, Dispatch war rocket Ajax to

bring back his body.

It's not how she says it.

She just says body.

But for some reason, we like to elongate body.

So I'm now gonna

suggest some of these lines to you.

I'd like to hear how you remember them.

Okay.

And then we'll play the real thing.

What was our favorite line from Blade Runner?

Oh,

it's when Rookahowa says, did you get your precious photos?

That's a funny accent he's got now.

Let's hear it.

Did you get your precious photos?

That's quite good.

Did you get your precious photos?

Okay.

Let's do another one.

Alright, have you ever seen that film Silver Bullet with Corey Haim?

Oh my god, I haven't seen that since it came out.

There's a bit in there where there's a...

werewolf.

Yeah, werewolf movie.

Good movie.

There's a bit where there's a young girl character and she gets somehow like surprised by an evil vicar in a woodshed.

Terrifying.

Do you remember that bit?

Yes.

Was that Silver Bullet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what does he say to her?

She's called Jane.

He says, Oah, Jane.

Io Tremboholin.

Tremboholin.

Tremboholin.

Trembohole in.

Five syllables we got out of trembling.

I wonder if that is really how he says it.

Shall we find out?

Three syllables.

He does hesitate in the minute.

You're trembling.

He puts an extra syllable in, definitely.

Trembolin.

Trembolin.

Yo, trembling.

What about Ferris Bueller?

Oh, mate.

Another one.

You could quote the whole thing.

Zowing batter bada bada bada bada bada bada.

Candidi, candy, candy, candy.

That was the best bit.

Hey!

Bada bada bada bada!

Swing battery, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Sawing Bata.

Zowing battery.

So that's it.

We would, we did it exactly right.

He's saying swing batter, right?

Is he?

I don't know about that.

I think so.

I don't know.

Okay, we'll do one last one from a classic film starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Twins?

No, Junior.

Junior!

There was more than one Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger film.

Yeah, because they were a killer combination.

They were box office dynamite.

Junior.

Think about it.

Junior, that is very forward-looking, isn't it?

It's about a man

who gets pregnant.

Do you remember the line you used to say from that all the time?

Well, this is when Schwarzenegger gets successfully pregnant.

I don't remember how.

IVF.

But

he starts going, like the joke is all about,

imagine if a man got pregnant, all the things he would experience that a woman normally experiences.

And he says to Danny DeVito, Larry, feel my hands, they're so soft.

That's good.

Seriously, he used to say this

all the time.

Larry, feel my hands, they're so so soft.

It's a good line, let's hear it.

Feel how soft my skin is.

Is that it?

That's it, yeah.

Feel how soft my skin is.

But there you go.

What happened to Larry?

Larry!

Larry, feel my hands.

They're so soft, Larry.

So what do you reckon?

Have we got time for a quick Song Wars?

This This is like I said, a mini Song Wars.

But let's do it.

Are you up for singing the jingle, Jay Corn?

I don't really know the words.

It's time for Song Wars, the War of the Songs, a couple of tunes from a couple of prongs.

I can do that.

Which will you vote for?

Which one is the best?

You do this bit.

You do the second bit.

Alright.

It's time for Song Wars, The War of the Songs.

A couple of tunes from a couple of prongs.

Which will you vote for?

Which one is the best?

We're putting our songs to the listener test.

So check it out.

There you go.

Alright.

So I think the theme of this song was is Beatles songs.

Beatles?

Well, because of the now and then.

Kinda.

So what I was thinking, I mean, I was more thinking how many beautiful songs there are about birds.

Oh, yeah.

Right?

Like, there is sparrow.

What was that?

Is that what you mean?

About birds.

What bird?

Beautiful songs about birds, Joe.

Birds.

Well, there's a lot of beautiful songs about birds.

Yeah.

But I'm talking birds, not birds.

Birds.

Birds.

In the trees.

That's what I'm talking about, Joe.

Oh.

Birds.

Oh, I thought you meant birds.

No.

What is this?

This is a different podcast.

This is the podcast we're going to do after this podcast.

What are we talking about?

I completely lost my train.

So, yes, Little Sparrow by Marvin Gaye is one of my favorite songs.

A Black Bird by the Beatles.

But there's no song about the bird that we all know best.

The pigeon.

No pigeon songs.

No, there's no beautiful song about pigeons.

So here's a beautiful song about pigeons.

Pigeon hopping in the street today,

how'd you left foot get that way?

Shriveled up, limpy dove, even pigeons need some love.

Pigeon pecking on a cigarette stub, don't you know that's not good grub?

Don't you know that people say mean things?

You're just a rat with wings.

Your little head, your little beaky nose.

I love you so.

Little pigeon, little pigeon, squishy pigeon, don't you go the way you walk, the way you nod your head, and eat the bread that people throw you?

Don't you know where to go to rest your head?

You used to meet your friends in Trafalgar Square,

but they're not there, it's so unfair.

I blame Tony Blair.

And when I fill the bud bath to the brim,

and you get in and do a brew, right under you, and wash yourself in gooey goo,

your little head, your little beaky nose, I love you so.

Little pigeon, squitchy pigeon, little pigeon, don't you go?

You withered leg, you horrid crusty booze.

I must do you

fly away now, little pigeon, filthy pigeon.

I love you.

And when I'm driving right towards your face

You stay in place, I think I'll squash you But you wait till you're nearly dead

And then you rise before my eyes into the skies And off you fly Squidchy pigeon, little pigeon

Can I um I'd just like to thank my good friend Christophe Baushinger who's here who played the guitar on that very brilliant

original guitar.

Yeah.

Wow, that was amazing.

Thank you, Christophe.

Christophe!

Yeah.

Beautiful.

I'm not gonna play my one.

Yours is good, man.

It's dog shit.

It's good.

Anyway, well, we've learned tonight that often, you know, things don't go the way you think they're going to go.

With song-woman, right?

Oh, God.

This is a lost John Lennon song.

This was on the cassette that they got now and then from.

It was just at the end, after Now and Then.

But they didn't re-record this one.

Exciting.

And this was around the time that John was spending a lot of time at home at the Dakota as a house husband.

And Yoko was out quite a bit, and John was mainly at home looking after Sean and just doing nice domestic things.

And that's what this song is about.

Another night in

with Yoko,

Sudoku,

and Coco.

I baked some lovely buns.

We eat them with jam

and then we watch TV.

If only you could watch the programmes that you wanted to,

whenever it was most convenient for you,

they could gather them in sort of box sets.

One day staying in will be exciting,

but not

yet,

Not quite yet

I'm John Lennon

And one day this will be number one

John will you stop that racket?

Sorry Yoko

listen

It's Christmas, right?

So there's no competitions at Christmas.

I think everybody wins everybody

Everybody gets the gift of music.

And talking of gifts,

can I give you a royal gift?

So this is a physical present I'm going to give Adam.

And this is...

My

cousins own a lovely second-hand bookshop in a in a village called Dulverton in the West Country.

Hey, I'm Rothwell and Dulverton.

Rothwell and Dunworth.

It's very good if you're down there, pop in.

But I picked this up for you earlier in the summer.

The Royal Family Pop-Up Book.

Yeah.

Updated with the latest conspiracy theory for 2024.

Yeah.

It says on here.

Look at that illustration.

Take it to your desk and have a quick flick through Charles.

Because

it'll take you back to more innocent days when Charles and Diana were first falling in love and the country was swept up

in royal romance.

Right?

Let's take it.

Those were the days, weren't they?

It's quite an impressive book.

Look at this book.

Holy shit, look at that.

That's Prince Andrew.

That is Prince

playing with a corgi, isn't it?

Yeah, Prince Andrew is

throwing a ball to a bouncing corgi that you can drag up, or you pull a tab, and the corgi jumps up for the ball.

I don't think you'd even had a massage at that age.

Oh, there's a queen on the side night.

She's waving.

Now this is where something's been added, I think,

for the most recent edition.

There's a little extra.

Just describe the scene.

It's a gathering of the royal family, isn't it?

It's a gathering of the royal family.

Maybe it's after the wedding, is it?

Are they waving to the crowds?

But someone else is there.

They're all dressed up.

Oh, yes, this is...

They're all dressed up in fancy dress, in old-style gear, and Charles and Diana are there in period costume.

But then over next to some mounties is Pierce Brosnan.

Yes, it's James Bond, circa 1997.

Piers Brosnan.

And who's on his shoulder?

It's Bronholm is aiming a pistol into the air at unseen baddies, and on his shoulder is Paddington Bear.

Yeah.

And what is two very establishment figures?

What is Paddington Bear saying?

She'd better watch it.

So just think about that because there's all sorts of sinister implications about then what went on to happen.

And we know that Paddington Bear knows the Queen,

don't we?

Yes.

And we know that James Bond works for the Secret Service, and maybe the Royal Family weren't that happy about the sort of things that Dye was doing.

Two and two together.

What the hell are you suggesting?

I'm not going to say it out loud, Adam.

Just read between the lines.

I don't understand at all what you.

I mean,

my brain is just melting.

Paddington Bear and

Pierce Brosnan and James Bond.

Don't finish the end of the sentence.

Not in the Royal Festival Hall.

Okay, alright.

Close the book.

Anyway, you can study it in your own time.

That is amazing, man.

Thank you so much.

Do you have anything else about the Queen for us tonight?

Maybe to round off the evening, I wonder.

Wow.

I sort of do, but this is, I kind of ran out of time on this one.

So I was going to ask the audience for suggestions.

Well, first of all, I should say that I got a message from

David Gregg, and he said, Dear Adam, I hope you're well.

Big fan of the podcast.

Last winter, I traveled to northern Norway to see the northern lights.

Didn't see the northern lights unless you count looking at other people's digitally enhanced phone photos while I stared at mournfully at clouds.

But in a record shop in Tromsø, I did discover this.

And this is a Spotify page that I am showing the audience here at the Royal Festival Hall.

And it is for a band called Sankuari.

And the album is Sarvagalba, Sarvagalba.

And David says, this is the song Sarvagalba by Sankuari, a Sami rock band from the north of Norway.

Turns out their lead singer is influenced by the Queen.

I have since realized that the Sami musical tradition of yoiking must be rooted somehow in the queen's appreciation of lovely things.

So here's a clip of Sarvagalba by Sankuari from 2019.

Wow, that's great.

I love it.

I listened to the rest of the album.

It's really good.

I enjoyed it very much.

Sarvagalba, that's Sankwari.

And apologies for mispronouncing that name, which I almost certainly am.

Thanks for the message, David.

Well,

I did a song to round things off for this special royal space, but I ran out of time lyric-wise.

I.e., I don't have many lyrics for this one.

So it's going to be mainly noises, I think, from the Queen.

But I was thinking for the final section: what kind of things could she be hoping for in 2024?

Reincarnation.

Reincarnation.

Harry and Megan and Willie and Katie to be friends.

I don't know why I said it like that.

Kids to be friends.

Kids to be friends.

No sex pests.

No, no royal sex pests.

Please.

Well,

can you frame it in terms of things she wants more of?

I.e., a Laura Laura.

Laura Laura.

I mean, we could have Laura Laura no sex pests.

Yes, let's have that.

That's very Christmassy.

Anything else, audience?

Which one?

Party pom-pom, I think they're saying.

Party pom- She wants to go to a pom-pom party.

What was that song you did?

I'm going to a party pom-pom, that one?

Don't pretend you don't sing it every day.

Anything else?

You had something, Matt.

Corgis.

Morton.

Corgis?

I mean, you could literally pick anything that the Queen could be wishing for for 2024.

Like peace?

Like

world peace?

Just come.

But no, a chocolate orange.

There we go.

A chocolate orange and more corgis.

More corgis.

Maybe some dead corgis to go in there with her.

Oh, she's lonely.

She's lonely.

So they just...

You know, along with the XL bully dog cull, they could pop in a couple of

corgis to make the queen happy.

This takes the edge off the dog cull.

Alright, I think we've probably got enough.

Surely.

Let's give this a go, shall we?

I am the queen.

My favourite food is bean.

And the laurely beef in me are blind of daytime.

Oh, I'm the queen.

I live in heaven now.

Is it always so nice?

I get to hang out with lonely people all day long.

I haven't written this fit.

If you were a couple, a walker warrior boy, a lonely willy catty, a mega hurricane.

Please don't cause no problems for your family.

I want the world to be nicer.

I'll punish Phil and Van for jumping in the queue.

If you skip the line, I'll do the same to you.

I am the queen.

Oh, my words are coming up on the screen.

I am the queen.

I'm in the palace of Jesus in the Laura.

Michelle McGowans.

I'm Henry Kissinger.

Laura, Laura, Laura, Luli Corporal.

Laura, Laura, Laura, Blind and Death.

A Laura, Laura, Laura, Donald Trump again.

Oh no.

Allor and Laura Laura reincarnation.

Laura Laura Laura kids to be friends.

Laura, Laura, Laura, no sex pests.

Oh, poo.

Allora, Laura, Laura, Parson Wong.

Allor and Laura, Laura, please forgive.

And Laura, Laura, Laura, back in the Royal Pest came home.

Once again, before I die.

Hello!

All right, man.

Thank you for coming, everybody.

And a very Merry Christmas to one and all.

Now, Joe, a few people

who are regular listeners to the podcast requested the traditional end-of-the-podcast hug.

So, even though I would normally do that on my own by just hugging my dictaphone like this, let's do an actual human hug.

Here we go, we're moving in for the hug.

Are you going to say the things that you usually say?

You know, like, oh, come over here.

That sort of thing.

And then you go, oh,

that sort of thing.

I find it quite, I've known him for a long time, I find it quite upsetting.

So it'd be nice for it to be connected to a real physical sensation rather than just.

Come on, do the noises.

Come on.

Come here.

There you go.

Very lovely.

Joe Cordish.

Adam Buxton, good feeling.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for coming along.

I really appreciate it.

I hope you had a good time.

Doing really good.

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Continue.

Hey welcome back podcasts.

I hope you enjoyed that.

We had such a good evening.

Myself and Joe and Frank And everyone at the Royal Festival Hall was so kind to us, especially Federica and Phil the sound man.

Everyone was very nice to us, so I apologize for not name-checking all of you, but they were particularly helpful and welcoming.

And thank you very much to Magda

at my agents who provided valuable liaison in the days running up to the show.

It was quite stressful doing a big live show.

And there was a moment that afternoon when we were driving into London, me and Frank,

and we hit rush hour traffic and we were a little bit late and we were driving down some very narrow roads.

It was Frank's first time driving the family car in London.

I didn't realize it was but anyway he dealt with it very well.

It's incredibly stressful.

It suddenly reminded me of when I first started driving and was in that kind of situation for the first time.

With drivers getting impatient with you, there was one point where we were trying to turn into a very narrow road and there was a queue of cars coming the other way and we had to try and back up and we couldn't see there was this bollard on the corner of the pavement behind us which meant that even though we had backed up and moved to one side over to the left the truck at the front of the line was not coming forward and I couldn't figure out why and this guy just kept on very laconically waving

and I couldn't figure out why he was waving.

He was pointing at the bollard as if to say look, I can't get by because there's a bollard on the corner there.

But I couldn't see the bollard.

He was just waving.

The cars were hooting behind.

Come on, what's going on?

And this guy was just giving it the laconic wave.

He could have wound down his window and said, there's a bollard just behind.

That's why I'm not moving.

But no.

He just sort of was enjoying our distress.

Frank had to just say, Dad, can you do it?

And we swapped over.

And in the process of swapping over, somehow we lost the car keys.

So then, already late to get to the Royal Festival Hall, we spent about half an hour trying to find the car keys.

I thought at one point they'd dropped down the gutter.

I was thinking, what the hell are we going to do now?

They were under the driver's seat.

It's one of those keys that's just like a remote clicker.

You don't actually put a key in a lock.

So it can quite easily go wandering.

Anyway, that was a bad moment, and I was so stressed, I was beginning to feel faint.

And I thought, oh, I don't think I'm going to be able to do the show because I'm just going to pass out on stage.

But it was all fine.

And if you were there, thank you so much.

Honestly, one of the best audiences ever.

And if you wanted to be there but weren't able to, I'm sorry.

But I hope you can come along to one of the live podcast shows next year.

as i speak we have i think around 10 shows confirmed all shows except for the norwich shows will go on sale at 10 a.m on friday the 29th of december and you'll find a link to tickets on my website adam-buxton.co.uk.

The link to my site is in the description today.

The two Norwich dates at the Playhouse go on sale at 10am on Friday the 26th of January.

The plan is for me to do a live podcast show which will feature bits of nonsense from myself and my laptop, perhaps a little bit of reading,

and then waffle from

as yet unconfirmed guests, but they will be, I would imagine, a selection of previous podcast guests that I've particularly enjoyed talking with, friends of the podcast, maybe even the odd musical guest in addition.

Currently, we are due to appear in Liverpool, 20th of May, Dublin, Bristol, York, Glasgow, and then June.

We've got Cardiff, Manchester, Brighton, London.

On the 9th of June,

we've gone ahead and booked the Apollo in Hammersmith.

I'll get someone really good for that, don't worry.

But it would be great if you could come along, because it would be a shame if there was no one there.

It's a big one.

And then, yes, a couple of dates in Norwich.

And there may be more that pop up.

But that's how it stands at the moment.

Link in the description.

I'd also like to tell you about a documentary film you may enjoy.

It's called Scala, S-C-A-L-A, Three Exclamation Marks.

Subtitle, or The Incredibly Strange Rise and Fall of the World's Wildest Cinema and How It Influenced a Mixed Up Generation of Weirdos and misfits

including of course myself and Jaycorn.

If you're a regular listener you might have heard us talking about the old days at the Scala when we would go to some of the all-nighters there and see strange sights along with the strange films.

I'm going to quote now from a nice review four out of five stars in Time Out by Phil DeSemlyon.

Am I pronouncing that name right?

London's legendary Scala Cinema, which closed its doors for the last time in 1993.

It's in King's Cross, by the way.

The building is still there, but it does a different job now.

It was never a place to settle down for a quiet night of movie watching.

Film goers could feel the tube trains rattling by below them.

The toilet cubicles would often shake with semi-furtive activity.

And at one of the legendary all-nighters,

someone found a corpse.

I didn't know that.

Houston and Roy, the cinema's cats, would patrol around, terrifying the unwary or the high.

Across 15 years and 40,000 screenings, it was a place where life would imitate art in all sorts of colorful ways, even when you were watching a John Carpenter movie.

And it gets the kind of lovingly gonzo elegy it deserves via this entertaining documentary.

Rosie!

Come on, let's go this way.

Scala is made by ex-time outers Jane Giles, a former Scala programmer, and Ali Caterall, with a scrapbook and sticky tape aesthetic very much in keeping with its subject.

Old Scala heads like Ralph Brown, Danny from Withnail and I, and Adam Buxton, Who Is Me.

I think there's also Stuart Lee, pops up in there as well, and lots of other people.

are welcomed back into their old inner haunt for enjoyable on-camera reminiscences.

John Waters even pops up from his San Francisco apartment.

John Waters is a dream guest.

He has been on my wish list for so many years.

And I know he does do podcasts, but so far we have not been able to rouse him.

If you know John Waters, tell him that he should come on the podcast.

Anyway, John Waters pops up from his San Francisco apartment with some typically entertaining observations and memories.

A country club for criminals and lunatics and people who are high is how the American auteur describes Scala.

The highest of praise.

Very nice.

Write up there from Phil DeSemlien.

Scala is in cinemas 5th of January 2024.

And it's on the BFI Player and Blu-ray disc from the 22nd of January.

Now I know I already appealed to your generosity at the top of the podcast, asking if you could donate to St.

Mungo's to help people living rough currently in the UK.

But if the coffers can take it, it would be amazing if you could also support the work of Médecins Saint-Frontières, MSF.

They are, just to remind you, a non-political organisation that provides emergency medical care in more than 70 countries for people who would otherwise go without.

They are working on the front line of conflicts all over the world.

They're there in Ukraine and they're there in Gaza.

Just the sheer intensity of the suffering out there in the Middle East this year has shocked all of us so much and all of us hope so hard that things improve somehow in the new year but from a practical point of view organizations like MSF

need funding to do what they do and help people in those extreme situations.

All those people, so many women and children being killed and suffering in Gaza, are being helped by agencies, including MSF, and they need donations in order to carry on doing the work they're doing.

If you're wondering why they're not in Israel, I quote from the MSF website.

MSF is an impartial organization, so we are sometimes asked why we do not currently run medical programs in Israel.

We have offered our support to Israeli hospitals treating high numbers of casualties.

However, Israel has strong emergency and health systems in place.

MSF focuses on filling gaps in healthcare and going wherever that need is greatest.

Our teams are working in Gaza and the West Bank as we have done for 20 years, providing medical aid and supporting a healthcare system that urgently lacks both staff and supplies.

Anyway, if you're able to make a donation to help support MSF, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Other thanks go to Seamus Murphy Mitchell for all his hard work on this episode.

Thank you, Seamus.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks to Sarah Buxton.

My wife.

And thanks to the rest of the Buxton team for all their hard work and emotional support.

Thanks to everyone at ACAST, who works hard to liaise with my sponsors and keep the show on the road.

Thanks to Helen Green for her beautiful artwork.

Thanks to everyone at PBJ.

I already mentioned Magda.

Thanks Chiggy.

Thanks Becca.

Thanks to all of you who got in touch with made-up jokes and egg corns and messages before we did the live show.

I apologize if we didn't read your message out, but I read all of them and enjoyed them very much.

Cheers, I really appreciate you sending them in.

Thanks to whoever sent me a blue beanie hat.

I don't know, maybe you're listening to the podcast and you sent me a blue beanie.

It's a really nice one.

I've been wearing it the last week or two.

But there was no note in the box.

I don't think I dropped it or anything.

But

if I know you, or if you're a podcat, or I don't know what

Thanks, I love it Thanks as well, and this is my fault because I think I lost the name of the person who sent me a copy of Neil Young's Harvest Time documentary.

That was really kind of you, thank you.

Billy Bragg mentioned it in the podcast a few months ago

and I was saying how much I'd love to see it.

Actually, it is available if you buy, I think, the Neil Young 50th anniversary harvest box set.

I think it comes as part of that.

Thanks to Ben Meadows for letting me know.

But yeah, I appreciate the person who sent it to me anyway.

I can't wait to watch it.

And thanks to all of you who listened to the podcast this year

and who keep coming back.

I'm glad to say that it's not going to be too long until I put out a few more episodes.

I think my plan is to upload three or four or something in January and and February

including a conversation with Werner Herzog.

Yep, that's right.

Been trying to pin him down for ages and finally happened just a couple of days ago.

Anyway, that's coming up and then I will probably take another break while I try and get the book finished.

And then it's live podcast tour time.

So lots of opportunities for us to be together.

And even though you already had a hug with myself and Cornballs on the stage of the Royal Festival Hall,

I'd like to give you just one more before I say goodbye

until we meet again in 2024.

Come here, come on, Cornballs.

Get in here, you love it.

All right, mate.

Go softly.

And until we meet again,

bear in mind that I love you.

Bye!

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