The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Mike Recine - Episode 55

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Speaker 2 Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.
This is

Speaker 2 May 24th, 2024. It is Memorial Day.
So thank you to

Speaker 2 the flags of our fathers and the letters from Iwo Jima. Yeah.
Both sides. You got to respect both sides.
For sure. Yeah, because

Speaker 2 there's Memorial Day and Veterans Day. Everybody does this every year.
Right. But Memorial's Day for the dead ones.
The dead ones. And then Veterans Day is for the pussies.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
For the John McCains of the world.

Speaker 2 The pussies who couldn't handle war and got kidnapped by the Japanese. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Imagine going to war and not dying. That's so embarrassing.
Yeah. Who is he a POW of?

Speaker 2 The Vietnamese. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It would be funny to be in a POW camp in the Vietnam War and you're like, the hell? What the hell are you guys again?

Speaker 2 What was this? I don't even know. You can't be doing this to me.
I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where are we? What's that? You'd be like, where are we? Where are we? What are we mad at? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Speaking of where are we? I will be in Spokane, Washington

Speaker 2 in

Speaker 2 two weeks?

Speaker 2 Seventh and the eighth, you know. Yeah.
Yeah. I don't, apparently.
I don't know my own dates. I don't have a break for a while.
That's the only thing I'm willing to plug.

Speaker 2 Philadelphia was fun. Thank you, Philadelphia.
Yeah, my sister was going to go to that show, but she hurt her back. Oh, okay.
So she couldn't make it.

Speaker 2 What happened? I don't know. Kyla told me that she hurt her back, but she really wanted to see you.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Yeah, people were very nice. I always like Philadelphia.

Speaker 2 They're very nice to that club. They're nice people.
At Helium? At Helium, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It's a good room.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I got some dates. I'll be in Charlotte on June 2nd.
And I'll be in Irvine, California,

Speaker 2 June 5th. You're doing the Irvine Improv? Yeah.
Which, I don't know. That's a big room.
It's a big room. It's a big room for Microscene.
Well, it's a big room for fucking anybody. I don't know.

Speaker 2 They got me going back there. I'm like, look, I sold those tickets one time.
Yeah, yeah. You know? I mean, I think you've kind of bled the stone of my quote-unquote stand-up career.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You just never know, though. This is my last year in the entertainment industry.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I've been thinking that, too.

Speaker 2 It's, I mean, at what point do you just pack it up and say, okay, I'll go back to being a big

Speaker 2 shit? Yeah, right. This is for children.
I already bought PlayStation. Well, it's not even, I'm not even going to pretend like I'm above it.

Speaker 2 Like, but it's okay to fail at things. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. And I'm not even going to do the thing like, hey, I made it farther than a lot of people.
No, I failed. I don't care.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now I am going to do drugs. Right.
I'm going to fucking get drunk and drive my car. Yeah.
And whose fault is that? Society?

Speaker 2 Do you think about what you would do? What you would think about what kind of career you would go into? I would lie my way into something. I mean, I had to go back to, yeah,

Speaker 2 sales, maybe? People are like, what would I do? Work at McDonald's? Yeah. No, I would get a fucking municipal job.
I'd fucking lie my way. I'd find somebody I could be friends with.
Sell siding.

Speaker 2 Not even sell siding. I would just say, like, get me a job at the Parks Department.
Yeah. And then I'll be one of these, one of those cool older black guys who dresses like a pimp.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But then he's just like, he's like the, he's like the comptroller or something of the parks department. All right.
And he collects $800 million a year in overtime. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be that.

Speaker 2 I could probably be like the most handsome guy at the sanitation department. Yeah.
You know, just get a nice haircut. But that's been your dream for a while.
Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Those are coveted jobs. Garbage man, people don't really know outside of New York.
They don't, yeah. That that's like, if you're from Staten Island, it's like fire department, sanitation, then cop.

Speaker 2 Cop is like three. Yeah.
You know, they look down on cops. Yeah, garbage is higher than police.

Speaker 2 But garbage, but to be one of the higher-ups in the sanitation department, like, and not have to handle any garbage, you get to like wear a suit.

Speaker 2 You get to go to Tony, you get to work at Tony Soprano's office when you're in the middle of the day.

Speaker 2 There was a girl that was like friends with that whole Chappo set who was from Staten Island that told me one time that her dad was a

Speaker 2 like she was from, yeah, she was from Staten Island, and her dad was like the fire boat captain. Yeah.
which like

Speaker 2 why the fuck are there boat firefighters? Yeah,

Speaker 2 because I guess if there's a fire in the boat, just fucking it's already in the water already. What are you gonna do? Just turn it over, yeah, or just sink it, you know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that kind of doesn't make any sense. It seems stupid to me, but what do I know?

Speaker 2 You know, yeah, what do I know? I'm sorry, yeah, you're right. Official story, two planes, 17 buildings, whatever.
Yeah, I don't know, yeah, so it makes a lot of sense. We have

Speaker 2 fire boats. Anyways, she was telling me, yeah, her dad had a lot of guilt about being one of the boat guys instead of one of the truck guys on 9-11.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. But why didn't he take his boat and sail up to the

Speaker 2 surface? Because it's not a real job.

Speaker 2 A seafaring fireman. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's insane. It's an insane thing to be.

Speaker 2 What do you think the garbage is?

Speaker 2 That's like being a bathroom chef. Right.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Right. Like, I cater ba I cater bathroom events.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I guess that's not really a fair con that's not a good analogy. No, but I see what you're I see what you're going for.
Right. What do you think the garbage guys were doing on night nine eleven?

Speaker 2 Do you think any of them stopped and you don't think any of them tried to rescue any people, right?

Speaker 2 Uh, the garbage men? Yeah. Well, what would they do? I like get out of the truck and wave.
Yeah, people like. Oh my god, my fingertips are burning.

Speaker 2 The gloves are only covering the the rest rest of my hands is fire and my fingertips.

Speaker 2 My fingertips are all burned up from the 9-11 fires.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So that maybe? Perhaps they were doing that.

Speaker 2 So you just went to Europe. How was that? Yeah, it was good.
It was nice.

Speaker 2 You know what I love about like, even when you go to Chicago, you just kind of hop off the plane, you get right on a train. That's like every city in Europe.
The public transportation is,

Speaker 2 if you like trains, I think you'll like Europe. And

Speaker 2 the airport in Madrid was very big.

Speaker 2 I was surprised how big it was.

Speaker 2 Spain in hot water right now. For the

Speaker 2 Palestine. For recognizing Palestine.
For recognizing Palestine. What does that mean? So much stuff is happening right now where it's like, oh, this all means nothing.

Speaker 2 You can really just do whatever you want in the world.

Speaker 2 I mean, there's this whole, like, first of all, I didn't even know international law existed. I'm learning that now.
Right. I thought that companies

Speaker 2 basically, the last hundred years, how it works is there's a race to build a nuclear bomb.

Speaker 2 We did it first, and so we get to bully the world. Yeah, Russia managed to do it by stealing our ideas, and so then that's what created, you know, like

Speaker 2 the Cold War. Yeah.
And now other countries have bombs. Are we the only ones with us and Russia, the only ones with nukes? But everybody's got them.

Speaker 2 Canada's got some. India, Pakistan, China, North Korea.
Okay. North Korea just got them recently.
Okay. And Iran wants one, right? But they.
Israel's had them since the 60s or 50s or 60s. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Israel's going to nuke themselves. France.
I think France was the third country. So it was the U.S., then Russia, then France.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That's fun. Imagine guys just eating ham sandwiches on a nuke.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like taking lunch. What was that called?

Speaker 2 Mademoiselle.

Speaker 2 crocodile.

Speaker 2 Crotch madam. Croc monsieur.
Something like that.

Speaker 2 A crotch, madame. A woman's crotch.

Speaker 2 Mrs. Croch.
Is that the name of the sandwich that they eat over there in France? You take your mistress out to eat some woman's crotch. Women's crotch.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know, but you know, that's kind of how it works. But now there's all this, you know, reading all the news now, it's like, oh, well, there's the International Criminal Court,

Speaker 2 and they handle charges against individuals. So they've gotten arrested.
They've requested, the prosecutor has requested

Speaker 2 an arrest warrant for.

Speaker 2 And the Hamas guy, too, but it's like, just leave him alone. Well,

Speaker 2 that's kind of an out for him. My understanding is that guy is just, he's like Shredder, basically.

Speaker 2 He's just down there living as a big rat man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sending these turtle guys to go fight the IDF. Right, right.

Speaker 2 And like, so what is like, Netanyahu, he's probably, he's eating like caviar right now.

Speaker 2 There's people dying and he's like, oh, you know, long day at work. Time for my, time to plug myself into the dick sucking machine and watch my 85-inch TV and eat caviar.

Speaker 2 And like, he's watching Brett Gelman. Yeah, he's watching Brett Gelman's sketch comedy videos.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 but the other guy, he's been literally been underground. He has not seen the sun, I don't think.
There's that one picture of him on like a couch, like a fucked up couch surrounded by rubble. Right.

Speaker 2 And he's like,

Speaker 2 bitch, you know, like, guess who you didn't get, but then he's been in the sewers, like in these underground tunnel complexes since the war started. He presumably hasn't left Gaza.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 if there is an arrest warrant, like

Speaker 2 his best option is just be like, okay, fine, I'll stand trial. Yeah.
That's what I would do if I was him. Yeah.
Be like, okay. Right.
What's the worst that happens? Try to get me, yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 Then I just go. That'd be funny if he's like John Gotti for prison in Switzerland.
The guy already spent 22 years in prison in Israel. Yeah.
You know, right. He's been out for five years.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then he did this. Yeah.
It's honestly kind of awesome. Yeah.
Wait, remember that guy? Imagine being that much of a Bart Simpson.

Speaker 2 Like he kid, when he was like 17, he like killed somebody. He's like, this is awesome.
He killed an IDF soldier and they put him in prison for 22 years.

Speaker 2 He gets out and then he's like 1,200 people dead. Yeah.
How about that? Yeah. And then

Speaker 2 now they've just completely destroyed Gaza. Yeah.
Because this guy's, you know,

Speaker 2 it's all him. But yeah, I say that seems like to be the, that would be the move, is just to surrender to the ICC.

Speaker 2 That also completely fucks the United States and Israel diplomatically, you know, in terms of their international standing. Can you imagine the fucking White House having the answer to that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, okay, so the Hamas guy willingly surrendered to the ICC to stand trial for these war crimes.

Speaker 2 But so do you not support that? You're saying that like they don't have jurisdiction there? It makes it an impossible bind to be in. Right, right.
The U.S. would have to say, yes, we

Speaker 2 do not believe in a system of, you know, like where the rule of law applies to everybody. Yeah.

Speaker 2 At that point, because they already kind of have to do it with Putin because he supported the ICC arrest warrants of Putin, but not the Netanyahu one.

Speaker 2 And that one's a question of jurisdiction, I think. Okay.

Speaker 2 But in this case. Yeah.
I guess our boys just keep winning. Who? Our boys and Hamas.
I'm not really a Hamas guy. You're not? No, I'm more of like a Hezbollah kind of guy.
Hezbollah is pretty cool.

Speaker 2 Hezbollah is awesome. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that Azerala's kind of like

Speaker 2 he's sort of like fat. He's like, don't be.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's kind of, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, he looks like he loves snacking. I guess, yeah, I'm into that.
Their videos are awesome. Yeah.
Seeing the video, their videos are like, I heard those guys train really hard, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and their training is

Speaker 2 jet skis and stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Artwheels. Yeah.
Like, if I met them, they would yell at me for being too fat. Right.
Yeah. They're kind of fancy.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're like proud boys, kind of. Okay.
Yeah. Cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You remember that a few years ago, there was that guy that killed a bunch of people at like, it was like a summer camp in Norway or something,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 they put him in prison. They put him in one of those, like, you know, Swedish prisons, and he was complaining because he didn't have PlayStation.
Yeah, no, Anders Bradwick. Yeah, Anders Bradvik, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that story is fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, yeah.
It's really cool. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's how nice their prisons are. But that's what fucking

Speaker 2 WhatsApp says to look forward to.

Speaker 2 No matter what prison he ends up in in Europe, it's got to be better than

Speaker 2 where he is. Than the sewer.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah. Like,

Speaker 2 you have nothing to lose other than making the United States look bad, which isn't that the goal of terrorism? I guess, yeah. Yeah, right.
Yeah. So go for it.

Speaker 2 You think he'll go to prison and be like, can you make this look more like the sewer?

Speaker 2 But like, I wonder if he'll miss the sewer. Yeah.
He'll decorate. He'll be like, can we get some

Speaker 2 rats and doo-doo in here? Yeah, he does.

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Speaker 2 Yeah, anything I get, it says like the world's biggest faggot package. I'm like, can you stop writing this

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Speaker 2 I know my neighbors are laughing. All my black neighbors

Speaker 2 see my package. It says there's a giant swastika flag.

Speaker 2 A fuckable swastika flag in the

Speaker 2 waterproof, fuckable swastika flag in this package. And I just say, oh, this must be for someone else.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll take it inside anyways. I don't want to, I hate littering.
I don't want to waste. I might as well just, yes,

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Speaker 2 I tell you, that boy can't stop. Fuck fucking them, racist ass flag.

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Boy, how many swastika flags do you need?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then we're back, and then I got to mentally prepare for

Speaker 2 this next read because we have a new sponsor, and I'm worried about fucking it up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyways, yeah, what year were you born, Mike? 1987. 1987.
Yeah. It's 88 for me.
You're the dragon. Oh, okay.
I thought you were 89. I thought we were two years apart.
88. No.
88. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's

Speaker 2 the year of the rabbit. Rabbit, yeah.
It's supposed to be a very bad year for me, and I'm feeling it.

Speaker 2 I'm feeling it. But I guess that's good.
Yeah. To be sort of.
This year's supposed to be bad for you? Yes. Yeah, to be sort of humbled by things.

Speaker 2 But that's how it works, I guess. This might be the best year of my life.
Yeah, but you have a family. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's still not great, but it's better.
It's not great, but it's better. That gives you something to live for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Spite can only really take you you so far yeah and then it's not even really worth it after you know you would think revenge yeah that's a great way to live your life right

Speaker 2 that's a great way to find happiness but yeah yeah yeah good motivator nope i guess not

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 um so tell me about europe how was how was that um yeah i mean you know there's uh there's trains there's uh it was easy to get around um

Speaker 2 you know the shows are pretty good like amsterdam the crowds were kind of quiet, and some guy came up to me after the show, and he was like,

Speaker 2 they say Dutch people are, like, autistic.

Speaker 2 So I kind of, like, lowered my expectations a little bit and just sort of, you know. But they wanted, they had me do, like, an hour every night.
It was kind of a long time to be on stage, you know?

Speaker 2 American shows are great. You do 45 minutes and then you're and then you're done.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, they force you to do an hour. They force you to do an hour, yeah.

Speaker 2 Why can't you just tell them the fuck off?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, isn't this the land of being lazy and going on vacation all the time?

Speaker 2 These people, they work what, 12 hours a week at the

Speaker 2 end of the day. They're like, What the fuck? Yeah, why did you only do a hundred metric minutes of comedy?

Speaker 2 You are supposed to do,

Speaker 2 I don't know, whatever the fuck an hour is in their bullshit clock. Right.

Speaker 2 They're bullshit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I tell you what,

Speaker 2 I certainly hope that World War III is coming. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who do you think you see the sides lining up?

Speaker 2 No, just sort of like an implosion of... I think it's just, you know, the...
We're overdue for something big.

Speaker 2 This country seems done to me. Seems done, yeah.
It seems done. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which I think that'll be fine.

Speaker 2 I think we'll survive. I don't know how because I don't know.

Speaker 2 I would just just go to my parents' house in Jersey and wait it out. Yeah, but walk there.
Do they have a mortgage? What's that? Do they have a mortgage? I don't know.

Speaker 2 What's going to stop people from just taking their house? I think you have to have a gun. I think you have to have a gun and you have to know how to use it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think that's ultimately like because

Speaker 2 we already did a revolution. Yeah.
And like, yeah, it was 300 years ago and those guys were racist. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then also, too, I only found out recently through everything I find out is through like infographics on Twitter.

Speaker 2 But yeah, the founding fathers were all like 22. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Isn't that crazy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's also, there's a rumor that George Washington fucked Alexander Hamilton. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I don't know if that's true.
Okay. I wouldn't, I would not say that.
That seems disrespectful.

Speaker 2 Okay, sorry. Yeah, yeah, sorry.
To the Founding Fathers. Yeah.
But no, I say that too. It's like, isn't that crazy that they were 24 years old? Like, that's like a detriment.

Speaker 2 And you think about it, and it's like, my brain definitely worked better back then. Sure.

Speaker 2 And it's like, oh, but I was so like naive and I was passionate about all these things that I don't care about anymore. And I'm like, yeah, that means I'm an old piece of shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That doesn't mean that I'm like, oh, I'm wise now. And so.
Right. And so I've learned that it's because.
Because you think, like, oh, I'll get better as I get older because people peek when they're

Speaker 2 I don't think that's true. You're more of a coward.
Yeah. You become less functional

Speaker 2 and you're a coward. Right.
And it's uh and you're yeah, you're scared because you can't you can't you're physically you're not

Speaker 2 there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You look at old, like the way a lot of you could see it you see it when you're younger is like and i guess there's you know they you maybe describe it as boomers or whatever but older men that especially if they never had a family they never did anything where they'll get into the it's not just war history it's pretending like very sub they're too much of a pussy to even steal valor they'll just like use the nato alphabet You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like they're that level of like, you know, like they just need something. They're like, maybe people will accidentally assume I was in the military.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe if I start saying yes, sir,

Speaker 2 at 40 something. Maybe they'll think I was in Grenada or something.
Yeah, right. If I learn a bunch about the post office, people will think maybe that guy's a veteran.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Or I grow the right kind of mustache.

Speaker 2 And it's a very sad thing to get to that age and you have no money and that's the only thing that really matters, you know, and you have nothing to show for your life. And

Speaker 2 there is no wisdom. Yeah.
That's lock. That's a lot.
You're supposed to peak when you're like 26, I think. That's when most mathematicians peak.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like, really, nobody does anything in math after like 27, 28. Yeah, you know, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you look at what's happening to a lot of like Gen X people, and it's like they don't really

Speaker 2 seem to get better. A lot of those older Gen X guys seem like they're stuck in like, you know,

Speaker 2 late 90s, early 2000s. Yeah.
They don't really evolve.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they don't, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Probably fucking TRT. That's like why you have to do it.
It's like the only option is like maybe just try to get jacked again.

Speaker 2 Are you still vegan? No, I had to stop doing that. Okay.
It's hard, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then, yeah, I mean, I can explain why I stopped, but it's boring. Yeah.
Unlike the rest of this.

Speaker 2 Unlike the rest of this podcast, which has been just uh just a firestorm of of of

Speaker 2 of uh you know amazing content i forgot i just realized i left the ac on i don't think it matters though because we're using the dynamic mics

Speaker 2 also as soon as we started i just like

Speaker 2 I like you know when you had to take a dump so bad you can feel the shape of it you know what I mean like you already know what it's gonna look like yeah like you have to take a dump that bad yeah you're like oh okay yeah

Speaker 2 I see what we're working with here.

Speaker 2 That's that's kind of the zone I'm in right now.

Speaker 2 Have you have you shit your pants recently or as an adult? I never do that. Yeah.
I've never done that. I don't really do that as an adult.
Yeah. No.

Speaker 2 I haven't either, but I feel like I'm like due for one.

Speaker 2 I feel like one's coming.

Speaker 2 And I'm not

Speaker 2 ready for it. I don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 I feel like very recently I shit on the floor a little bit right before getting into the shower. Okay.

Speaker 2 And if it had been 30 seconds earlier, I would have shit my pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I kind of sort of a mission impossible style. Sure.
You know, like Indiana Jones getting his hat,

Speaker 2 like that sort of

Speaker 2 thing. Yeah.
Yeah. And then you just shit right in the shower, is what you're saying?

Speaker 2 No, I just, there was shit on the floor. Then I took a shower and then I cleaned it up after.
I probably should have cleaned it up first. Okay.
And then I could have just done it with my bare hands.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I could have just scooped it into the shower with me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Is your son still shitting himself? He's old enough.
No, he's he's going on the yeah, he's going on the potty. And it's weird because you have to buy them like a tiny toilet first, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That goes on. I remember that as a kid.
Yeah. Learning how to use a small toilet.
So now he's got like his own seat. But yeah, he did have.

Speaker 2 But we just got rid of the little toilet.

Speaker 2 But that's funny because it's just like a little bowl. There's no water in it.
Yeah. So you got to like dump it in the toilet and then wiping it.

Speaker 2 It's disgusting. Yeah.
Just shit on the the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just have them shit on the floor. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I will think if I had a child, I would litter box train them. That's not a bad idea.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know why more people don't do that. Uh-huh.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He, um,

Speaker 2 uh, it's hard to, like, wipe a kid's ass. I didn't realize when they're sitting on the toilet because you don't really know what you're doing.
It's much easier.

Speaker 2 I wish I could like lay him down on his back and wipe his ass like when he was a baby.

Speaker 2 But it's hard to like get back there with the, with the wipe. Yeah, you know? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That reminded me of something.

Speaker 2 So it's like, I guess what I'm saying is, I can't wait until he's

Speaker 2 older and gets injured in a car accident, and I have to change his diapers and I can lay him on his back. I'm trying to, god damn it.
What was I thinking about a second ago?

Speaker 2 I don't know, but that happens. That happens to me all the time.

Speaker 2 An anecdote I had.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I'll be on stage and I forget what I'm supposed to say next.
Oh, I do that all the time. And then I have the worst instincts.
I'll be like, oh, so fucking Israel, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Just looking, I just silence 300 people. Yeah.
And I'm like, and I'm like, I'm getting paid $270 for this.

Speaker 2 It's also too, it's like, I also don't care. Like, there's, I, that's the worst part: is you get older and you find yourself in situations where you should be mortified or humiliated.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you just don't give a fuck.

Speaker 2 And then you feel bad about not giving a fuck because it's like, well, I should, I should.

Speaker 2 You know, I should. Yeah.
I shouldn't just be a fucking laughing stock.

Speaker 2 But then it's like, why not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck does it matter? Yeah.
There is no reason to continue living on this earth. Right.

Speaker 2 And anyways. Yeah.
One time my grandpa and I shark tank. There was a guy that came on with like a, he's like, oh, it's a toilet seat for like kids.
Yeah. But then it's like modular so that something.

Speaker 2 And they immediately clocked it. I think they were like, wouldn't a kid's like penis just get caught in the hinges?

Speaker 2 Like, they don't use those words, but like you're looking at it and you're like, yeah, that seems like that would just

Speaker 2 cut his dick right on the crate off.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know. What was the thing supposed to do? I don't know.
It was like a modular thing so you could leave it on the toilet. Okay.
And then the kid could use it.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, it's like a small, it's like a, it's like a two-size toilet seat or something. Okay.
So the middle part has another smaller toilet seat in it that you can also put up. Okay.

Speaker 2 Now we're out and he has to pee. I just take him over to the nearest tree and he goes and pisses on the trees on the back of the table.
It's a big time Chinatown move. Is it?

Speaker 2 I saw what you told me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which

Speaker 2 I don't do that. Yeah, I was in Chinatown and there was a lady holding her son's penis in broad daylight.
Uh-huh. Canal Street Wednesday.
Yeah. Fucking middle of the day, just holding his penis.

Speaker 2 How old is the kid?

Speaker 2 He had a shirt up doing,

Speaker 2 and his pants are down to the ground and she's holding.

Speaker 2 And he's like 11?

Speaker 2 She's like holding it and he's peeing on the ground. Yeah.
No, he wasn't 11. He was like, you know, I don't know

Speaker 2 ages, really. Yeah.
So he could have been anywhere from 2 to 37 years old. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to do that, but it would be kind of nice if you could because they don't really know like, you know, how to aim. Well, speaking of having a son,

Speaker 2 a parent do you strive not to be?

Speaker 2 For example, the mom who reffs from bleachers, the dad who loves gifting punny shirts, or the parent that gets a little too excited about Spaghetti Wednesday.

Speaker 2 So, we all plan to be the best mom/dad we can be. And you definitely don't, this is taking way too long to get to the point here.
Yeah, I don't want to mess with your bag.

Speaker 2 Because you should probably have life insurance, right? Sure. What happens if something happens to you? Yeah.
Young Benny, he has no one to hold his, they help him go to the bathroom. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, they probably don't want me saying that either. So I told him, I had a call with

Speaker 2 these people,

Speaker 2 and I was like, I don't know if you want me doing

Speaker 2 anything.

Speaker 2 I drive my best. Yeah, yeah.
Guys, life insurance is very important. Okay.
And you should have it. It's responsible.
You know, you got people in your life, you worry about them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you think the people who listen to the show have people in their life who worry about them? Well, it doesn't matter. Get a life insurance positive.
Everybody's got somebody. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And life insurance is awesome because

Speaker 2 it's like then you're like you're you know, you're taking care of somebody and you don't really have to do anything.

Speaker 2 They're the they have to pay out all this money. And the problem is that

Speaker 2 it's very hard to sign up for. So there's a company called Ethos.

Speaker 2 Just like

Speaker 2 ethoslife.com/slash T-A-F-S.

Speaker 2 If you want to use our promo code, Ethos is easy online life insurance and you can you can get it, it's affordable and you can get it online in minutes with no medical exams.

Speaker 2 You just answer a few health questions for a quote and then apply for coverage.

Speaker 2 So it's not a medical exam, it's just a little questionnaire, you know, and then you know you got you got life insurance coverage. And

Speaker 2 you know, I know I have people in my life that

Speaker 2 I want to make sure they're taken care of, but

Speaker 2 in a way where it's like after, like, you know, not something that's a concern of my waking life. Yeah.
And that's the benefit of life insurance. Right.

Speaker 2 I can't be like, whoa, what's going to happen to them? I better make more money. No,

Speaker 2 I'm done. I've tried as much as I can.
I can't do it. Yeah.
I'm burned out. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 that's what life insurance is for.

Speaker 2 And luckily, you know,

Speaker 2 I don't know how to do it. So you can go online.
It's simple to sign up for. They ask you some questions.

Speaker 2 They say,

Speaker 2 Are you, I'm assuming it's like, are you a smoker or something? And I just say, absolutely not. In fact, I'm going to live for a thousand years.
Yeah. And they say, oh, great.

Speaker 2 They're like, do you ever drive on the highway and close your eyes and see how long you can do it? Yeah, never. I don't take any kind of risk-taking behavior.

Speaker 2 No, you don't do that when you're driving. What's that?

Speaker 2 You're never driving on the highway and you like close your eyes.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 It's time I took my pants off in my car. Oh, yeah, yeah, I was like, I was like, nobody could see me.

Speaker 2 I was in the highway, and I didn't do anything weird, but I was like, let me just, what if I was just completely nude? Okay, from the waist down,

Speaker 2 and then just driving people next to people. I thought it was hilarious.
I was like 17 at the time.

Speaker 2 I was like, no one has any idea that I just don't have pants on. It's sort of a little like British comedy mode for me.

Speaker 2 He's got no trousers on. He's operating the lorry without any trousers.

Speaker 2 Okay, so Ethos is a life insurance provider. They provide life insurance for you, and it's very important.
It would be kind of funny if you get in a fight at like the Taco Bell drive-through.

Speaker 2 You're like, get out the car,

Speaker 2 you know, their term life policies start as low as $10 a month. I mean, that's basically nothing.
Yeah. That's like you can't even sponsor a child for that low price.
Are they still doing that?

Speaker 2 What happened to that organization? I don't know. I would just walk around like a war zone and

Speaker 2 then eating a turkey sandwich.

Speaker 2 Yeah, nobody signed up and they're like, all right, sorry, guys. Yeah.
And they just packed it up.

Speaker 2 But yeah, no medical exam required. See your rate and minutes.
Term of life policy starts as low as $10 a month. You can start your policy instantly.

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Speaker 2 Yeah. You don't even need medical insurance anymore.
If you live in New York,

Speaker 2 you could just go rack up a bill and then refuse to pay it, they're not allowed to report it anymore. They have to sue you.

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Speaker 2 Get term life insurance or ethos today. Help protect your family.
And two mil. Oh, that's the description.
Okay, I think I did that correctly. Yeah, that was good.
Yeah. That was great.

Speaker 2 There was a charity, I think, a long time ago where it's like you could buy animals for like a third world family. Like you could buy like a family a cow or you could buy them a goat.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ox. Oh, yeah?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then so you, I was looking at the brochure one time, and you could, yeah, you could do like a cow or a goat.
And and then you could also get a parrot for

Speaker 2 the Egyptian family.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you, my friend.

Speaker 2 He is such a beautiful bird.

Speaker 2 Beautiful bird.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but the Gilbert Godfrey parrot from him. You can get a family of falcon.
Yeah, yeah. Kind of cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 A parrot.

Speaker 2 But you could also get them guinea pigs. And I think that's kind of funny because they would just eat the guinea pigs.
Yeah. You know?

Speaker 2 So it's like, here you go.

Speaker 2 Here's lunch. Ox family.
Here's lunch for Spaghetti Wednesday.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's the thing I don't really understand.
Kate Willett booked me on some like Gaza benefit show

Speaker 2 last night. I forgot I agreed to do it.
Yeah. It's like, also, I think your audience is going to hate me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I went and did it, and it's like the whole premise of that is that, like, we're just

Speaker 2 like, I'm just doing genocide or like stand-up comedy at a genocide. Yeah.

Speaker 2 were you raising money or I get but what how much money are they raising right vision lounge $12?

Speaker 2 It's like what why don't we just do nothing? Yeah, why don't we just write a check? Yeah, that seems to be better than me going and bombing

Speaker 2 a bunch of people that look like they hate me. Right.
Yeah. You like free Palestine, so I'm having trouble getting my wife pregnant.
Yeah. You know?

Speaker 2 I think it's the vaccine, folks. Right, that's the other thing, too, is like you're not like, I mean,

Speaker 2 you're still just doing stand-up. Yeah.
So it's. Right.
It's not like you have Gaza and you're just going to be able to do it.

Speaker 2 The audience is wearing the caffia and then I'm just talking about Apple Vision Pro. Yeah.
And then that's supposed to help. I don't understand how it works.
Right.

Speaker 2 But I didn't watch the other sets on the show. But it's better to, I don't know, you want to do you want to feel like you're doing something, I guess.
I don't. No? No, I don't.

Speaker 2 Because I know I'm not doing anything. I know the world is a

Speaker 2 evil, hypocritical place where you're powerless to make any kind of meaningful change.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in fact, you're so aware of how powerless you are that when you see people trying to make a difference, it makes you angry and you resent them even more for sure than the people actually committing the atrocities.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you say, How dare you? You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, not that you even think you're better than me, but you're

Speaker 2 furthering this delusion that because otherwise we would

Speaker 2 ferment the necessary kind of anger to just

Speaker 2 you know kill all of the people that that do hold all of the keys you know what I mean

Speaker 2 if we had if everybody was like this is hopeless there is no democratic solution here voting is doing nothing yeah all of this like supposed free speech is doing nothing right setting myself on fire didn't work yeah that's why I always thought it was funny the idea that

Speaker 2 you know people say that you know they even to describe societies as authoritarian

Speaker 2 or like that there's some difference between

Speaker 2 a democratic society and an authoritarian one.

Speaker 2 Not to say that, like, well, the democratic ones are also authoritarian, but it's the opposite. That, like, well, we can't help but have

Speaker 2 like a type of democracy because in the authoritarian societies, when they fuck up, they'll just kill you.

Speaker 2 The people will rise up and kill you. It might take a lot.
You can probably get a lot of them before they can get you. But it'll happen.
You know, they always topple.

Speaker 2 And it seems like that, in the long term, is less oppressive than a system where once every six months you go to the local elementary school and you press a button, and then you're still funding a genocide.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, and there's nothing you can do about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, yeah, it's almost like you have more power. Or maybe you do a benefit show, right? Right, exactly.

Speaker 2 When they're killing your family, you have more power. Yeah, right.
I'm going to vote against killing my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're so cucked. I don't, I know, yeah.
It's a

Speaker 2 terrible world to live in. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But are there any like uh video games that are out? Are there any video games that are good now?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't really why.
Do you play anything? No, I'm just wondering like what you Kurt recommended that Helldivers 2 game. Okay.
But I'm not yeah, I haven't been playing that at all. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So no, I don't know anything about it. I don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 Have you seen any movies that you like?

Speaker 2 What's that hat from? That's a restaurant. It's Sahadi's.
It's like a grocery store. Oh.
Yeah. You're wearing a hat for a grocery store.

Speaker 2 It's pretty good. It's on Atlantic.
Yeah. I'm not being paid to, you know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They didn't give me free hummus to. I know.
But you're only like kind of recently fat, I feel.

Speaker 2 Maybe. You're just going all in.
See, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I keep feeling like I'm losing weight. Yeah, I know.
And maybe. Maybe you might come back to Earth, but I don't think wearing a grocery store hat is helping.
Right. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's like,

Speaker 2 it's very interesting. Of all the types of people, because it wasn't like fat people weren't a type of people until Lizzo.
And then that made. That's also, is that still happening?

Speaker 2 Like, I now, like, I feel like, because this is, I feel like

Speaker 2 with this thing that's going on, there is like kind of like a cultural upheaval

Speaker 2 where, like, you know, we had to analyze, we spent 10 years analyzing microaggressions and learning about the damage that can happen when you like

Speaker 2 a fucking like squint in front of an asian person at work or you know like some all this stuff that's like this is the this is the worst thing that could possibly happen yeah and now

Speaker 2 we're like witnessing a historical atrocity you know that we're all paying for and now it's like suddenly that's up for debate as to like well you know yeah we don't know we can't we don't know right like how do how do we really want to describe what's going on?

Speaker 2 Maybe is it justified? Where literally any kind of minor grievance was front-page news. Yeah.
You know, like four or five years ago. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so I don't, and I'm trying to bring that back to the fat people thing. It's like, I don't think, like, out of that world, we created fat people as an identity.

Speaker 2 And now it seems like that might be the first one that's like dissolving

Speaker 2 where people are like, oh, actually. You're saying I'm not like a protected class anymore? I think they might be done.
And I think it's just because Lizzo got, she sent back seamless. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was watching an old mad TV sketch, and it's Michael McDonald playing like a car dealer, and Paul Vogt comes in as a fat lady who's trying to buy a car. You ever see that? No.

Speaker 2 I'm sure it's hilarious. It's really funny.

Speaker 2 She's like, hi, I'm here to buy a car. And he's like, well, we don't have any vans or we don't really sell vans here.

Speaker 2 And then she gets in the car and he like calls 911 and he's like, hi, there's a woman stuck in one of my cars right now. And then she gets out and he's like, oh, thank God she's out.

Speaker 2 She must have had some bacon fat

Speaker 2 smeared across her backside. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's just the whole, that's the whole sketch. Maybe I'll get back into watching Mad TV.
Maybe that'll be the answer. Yeah.

Speaker 2 As far as

Speaker 2 good stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you seen tires premiered? Yeah, I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it either.
I've never seen that. I went became a cable guy a couple years ago.
Okay. And so I don't have Netflix anymore.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Maybe I'll be Torrance.
So what are you watching, like Bar Rescue and

Speaker 2 HG TV? A lot of like, you know, just like 10 minutes of different movies here and there. Okay.
Yeah. That's mostly what it is.
Lifetime Movie Network. Yeah.
My 600-pound life.

Speaker 2 Show about dwarves. Yeah.
My 600-pound dwarf wife. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's cool. 600-pound dwarves.
I had an idea for a movie the other day. I was thinking, it's Martin Lawrence, and he plays a mentally disabled man in South Carolina in the 70s.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That becomes an assistant football coach at a high school.

Speaker 2 Right? And they like at first they bully him, but then they bring him on. They're like, oh, let's bring this guy on as an assistant football coach and stars Martin Lawrence.
And it's a comedy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's called Black Radio. Okay.

Speaker 2 That was a good time for actors, right?

Speaker 2 When they were allowed to do that. Yeah, right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so, yeah. So it's radio, but it's with Martin Lawrence.
And then you call it Black Radio, and it's a comedy. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he's like, hell no. You know, something like that.
How about that movie, The Other Sister, with Juliet? That's a great movie. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 My favorite part about it is that like Giovanni Rubisi is just playing himself.

Speaker 2 It's like you can't even tell that he's like doing... Yeah.
They're like, no, he showed up in a dog costume. It's like, yeah, you're just a guy that likes marching bands.
Uh-huh. You know?

Speaker 2 And then he's like, yeah, no problem. Yeah.
Well, you got to listen to this

Speaker 2 music that I love.

Speaker 2 I like the sousaphone.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 Have you seen it? Like parts of it. Oh, okay.
So you haven't even seen the movie. No, but I remember like bringing them up to make them walk the plank.

Speaker 2 Well, I remember the trailer and the Giovanni Rubisi is a mentally disabled man. I did that was good.
And then you go, I haven't seen it. I've seen like parts of it, and I remember that.

Speaker 2 But I was making a larger point about, you know, actors. They don't let actors play,

Speaker 2 you know. Yeah.
Yeah. And not for any other reason than that one joke in Tropic Thunder.
Right. You know, that kind of sealed the deal.

Speaker 2 That was sort of the end of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
But I've talked about it. Now they have to find twins with Down syndrome.
I will be playing playing a mentally disabled man. It's in Spokane, Washington, June 2nd through the 8th.
Nice.

Speaker 2 At whatever the comedy club is called there. Please go get tickets.
I don't even know how that's selling. Don't know, don't care.
Yeah. Don't know, don't care.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You said one time

Speaker 2 you were like, the less effort I put into things, the better they go. You said it must be like a Chinese thing.

Speaker 2 I think so, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, you got to be, I mean, you don't like perceive it.
When you're struggling, it's it's uh because life and time is just

Speaker 2 a violent river that just sort of passes you by. The more passive you are, the easier you can navigate it because you're going to die one way or the other.
Sure. You know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But yeah, the last two years, I feel like I've

Speaker 2 worked very hard, and it seems to have not worked out well. Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But, or it has. I guess it's all comparative.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Yeah. It's kind of like cuck to be working hard, though, you know?

Speaker 2 To be trying. Yeah, yeah, in a way.
Yeah. Especially when it's perceived as

Speaker 2 most people think you're not working hard either. Right.
Like, no one can perceive the effort either. So it's like, okay, well, then what am I doing? Yeah.
Yeah. But to be like doing homework.

Speaker 2 I don't want to.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to be Mr. Positivity these days.
I think the world is a bad place, but I'm good. Sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. I'm okay for the most part.

Speaker 2 I should have turned the air conditioner off, and I I should have taken a dump before we started the podcast.

Speaker 2 So you didn't get to take a dump? I haven't. Okay.

Speaker 2 Do you want to pause this? You got to take a dump?

Speaker 2 No. Lev kind of already let the cat out of the bag, but I when I go on the road, I'll I'll take Kratom to

Speaker 2 just get through being on stage because I still don't really like it and I don't think I ever will. Okay.
It is it is like that's not a thing I think I'll ever get used to.

Speaker 2 Some people love it, performing. To me it'll always be standing in a room in front of 300 people staring at you.
Yeah. And so I need something, but I can't drink anymore.
Right.

Speaker 2 Pray at him helps take the edge off. Yeah.
But it does work similar to like an opiate where

Speaker 2 I won't go to the bathroom for a while

Speaker 2 for the entire weekend. And then I get home and then it's, I'm like, oh, boy, I know I'm going to pay for that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know I'm going to be punished for that one. Today's episode, speaking of travel, is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet, who now has a whole line of luggage.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let me see.

Speaker 2 Let me see.

Speaker 2 Go to the website.

Speaker 2 Ridge

Speaker 2 What's the part of stand-up that you uh that you you do like?

Speaker 2 They got look, they got Yankees Wallace.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean, like I say, I don't like it, but there's, you know, when you like rip something out that's new on stage, that's it, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, it's like the sec, the second the joke is like, you already came up with it before, then I'm like, all right, well, yeah, even if it does well again, I'm like, yeah, I already,

Speaker 2 yeah, I already did that

Speaker 2 part, right? You know, I don't know, it's it's fun, it's nice, it's fun, yeah. I like that nap in the hotel room,

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like when you ask for an early check-in at like 9 a.m.

Speaker 2 And they go, yeah, I think we can accommodate that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sometimes they act like you're a real asshole for doing that, though. Sure.
Okay, so RidgeWallet.com. They got a lot of

Speaker 2 baseball stuff. So we got

Speaker 2 Ridge branded wallets. They got a key holder now.
I've had a Ridge Wallet myself for years. They're one of my favorite sponsors, and they're doing a big push for Father's Day.

Speaker 2 They got a Father's Day sale. So you get 20% off.

Speaker 2 And then if you use promo code TAFS, I think you get free shipping and then maybe some additional kind of money off. But their Father's Day sale, I love this wallet.

Speaker 2 I'm sure your dad will love it too. Maybe you can get Benjamin to get you a wallet.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have him get you a

Speaker 2 fucking wallet. They got rings now, too.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, so you can get married through your wallet.

Speaker 2 So you can get married to your ridged luggage.

Speaker 2 uh they got 30 off their travel kits so i guess this is like a whole set comes with like these fucking cubes these modular cubes and i'm a modular guy you know me i love protecting what is modular that means you can build stuff yeah there's like you know there's different the components all change right when i'm in the airport trying to trick people into thinking i may have been in the military without explicitly saying it i love to show off my modular gear all kinds of velcro patches and shit attached to my stupid fucking body and just so they're like, wow, was that guy, maybe, obviously, he wasn't a combat veteran, but maybe he delivered mail to the other soldiers or did something along those lines.

Speaker 2 Just anything other than being a fucking podcast guy. It's something, maybe something respectable.
Who knows? And I tell you, I really, I really

Speaker 2 make it work with these packing cubes that go with the Ridge Wallet. So you would start with one cube and then you can build to a.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You can configure it like it's a house.
Yeah, I like this stuff. I like I do like their shit.
I kind of want I mean, I got this. This is not rich, but they're the King Crab Orange Yeti does.

Speaker 2 So that's back, right? Because they got a Yeti store down the street. I don't know if you saw that.
Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, they got a Yeti store down there filled with King Crab Orange shit.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Because I had one of those that color a few years ago. If the subreddit knew about this, they'd kill themselves, dude.

Speaker 2 If the Yeti guys,

Speaker 2 the things those guys have gone through to get their hands on the King Crab Orange merchandise, and I'm just here, just a New Yorker higher than a pig on shit,

Speaker 2 just fucking buying this stuff, drinking out of it, this is my drinking.

Speaker 2 This isn't part of the private collection at home for the other men who survived testicular cancer and now just collect that.

Speaker 2 This is my, this is why I bring this around. I ding it up.

Speaker 2 Covered in dates and shit I don't care I don't care because I can always go down the street and buy another one right and you can't if you're living with your fucking GI bill money in fucking Louisville

Speaker 2 fuck you

Speaker 2 the official mug for men who've survived testicular cancer

Speaker 2 yeah anyway wow um but yeah Ridgewallet has stuff that matches the King Crab Orange okay you know so that's cool see they had king crab orange maybe like three years ago because I had one look at these colors tell me those aren't they

Speaker 2 very matchable. Yeah.
If you're a Yeti guy. And then when you're at the luggage carousel, you don't have to worry about some Biden administration official taking your luggage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just if you're not worried about

Speaker 2 an incomplete fucking creator skater.

Speaker 2 An incomplete first-time smoking weed creator skater

Speaker 2 stealing your luggage.

Speaker 2 Does he still have a job in the administration? I have no idea. It was so funny.
It was like a big deal, right? Yeah, but the job was like they were like the fucking, like,

Speaker 2 like just like an administrative assistant in a mail room for like the Department of Energy. I mean, it was like not.
Yeah, really. It wasn't like they had like a

Speaker 2 head of the department. I don't think so.
Right. You know, I mean, it wasn't like that.
They just paraded him out there to be like, look who we are. Look what, yeah.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which, like, how do you, do you know they were stealing luggage? I mean, they seem so confused to begin with. How do they, you know? Right.

Speaker 2 How do you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They could have thought it was theirs. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You could be that guy. He could have just been like, beep, boop, beep, boop, boop.
Yeah, I really want this luggage. So maybe I'll email the guy and ask him to send it to me because I really don't.

Speaker 2 That's the main thing. I don't like

Speaker 2 standing around at the carousel. And then people look at me weird because I have to pick up.
I can't, my brain doesn't work. I can't remember

Speaker 2 what my bag looks like. So I have to pick up almost every Samsonite bag and I unzip it and I look in the bag.

Speaker 2 I'm like, is this my shit? This is only one type of bag. Yeah, right, exactly.
And people are like, excuse me, that's mine. I'm like, well, now I know, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 What am I going to do? After I've licked it, the contents of you.

Speaker 2 You probably stole all this shit anyway. So you're probably a thief, too, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's the thing, too.
When you get to the gate and they go, there's not room for your bag. You want to check that? You go, I don't know.
It's going to get stolen. I got a shit so damn bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It just sucks.
Yeah. But anyways, ridgewallet.com slash T-A-F-S.

Speaker 2 I hate it because I spend days not even being able to shit. And then when I finally have to, it's always like something always comes up.
Right, right, right. You know? Yeah.
And thus, the struggle.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 you could probably wrap this up. No, we'll have to give a little bit of breathing room to our friends at Ridge.
I wouldn't want to end the episode with an ad read. Sure.

Speaker 2 That would be annoying to them. I will just, I'll say this.

Speaker 2 I recently saw,

Speaker 2 well, I guess I haven't seen anything. I saw Challengers and Civil War.
I went to go see both of those. How were they?

Speaker 2 Both good. I like both of them.
Cool. Yeah, yeah.
I re-watched The Mask of Zorro. I wanted to reshoot the sauna scene from Challengers.
Okay. Did you see Challengers? There's a sauna.

Speaker 2 It's about two guys that are gay. So what happens? Two guys that are gay? Well, they're not gay necessarily, but they grew up together in boarding school playing tennis.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And then a woman comes between them and they develop a rivalry, a tennis rivalry, but it's also this kind of love triangle sort of thing. Okay.
And

Speaker 2 the less dominant of the two the one that's kind of like a slow burn kind of guy who like the first guy he fucked the first guy's fucking the girl and he's like not caring about her and the other guy steals the girl from him and then the the guy steals the girl in a slow kind of approach he eventually becomes this great tennis star whereas the first guy is just sort of like a layabout bum that never really you know made it to and so

Speaker 2 They have to play a match. I don't know how tennis works, but apparently the best guys in the world of tennis just still have to play like

Speaker 2 like sh like the new Rochelle tennis tournament, I guess. So that's what happens, and they meet up in the finals.
So the whole movie, their backstory is intercut with them playing this tennis match.

Speaker 2 Okay. And I'm going to make that movie with my brother, but a piece of cheesecake comes between us.
Oh, okay. So this is

Speaker 2 still cheating into the fat identity. That's barely a joke.

Speaker 2 That's barely a joke. You're just like, yeah, you wait all that time and be like, you know, I make the same movie, but

Speaker 2 it's a candy bar.

Speaker 2 Me and my fat brother are fighting over a piece of Reese's fucking cups. Anyways, sorry.
There's a scene where...

Speaker 2 I do feel like I'm losing weight, though. Yeah, you do actually look thinner.
Thanks. And I'll say this.
Welcome back.

Speaker 2 Welcome back. Welcome back to society.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so there's a scene where one of the not gay men goes into the sauna and the other guy's all sweaty and he's waiting there. And the first guy, I guess he's got a bigger cock than the other guy.

Speaker 2 So they don't show you his penis. They show you his ass and everything else.
And he's like fucking like sauntering up to the other guys. He's like, you ready for the match tomorrow?

Speaker 2 You know, it's very Tom of Finland kind of

Speaker 2 this homo erotic scene. Nice.
But I want to reshoot it and he just comes in. He's like, dude, is that the King Crab Orange 46 ounce Yeti Rambler?

Speaker 2 And then it's me and I go, you're goddamn right it is.

Speaker 2 Nice. And it's me in the sauna at Lifetime.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Great. Yeah, with the nicest.
Anyways, ridge.com/slash T-A-F-S, ethos, life insurance, bluechew.com.

Speaker 2 Folks,

Speaker 2 microscenecomedy.com. MicrosceneComedy.com.
I'll be in Spokane, Washington. And my special's up on YouTube.
I'll normally. Check out Mike's special.
And

Speaker 2 I don't know. Either I'll see you guys next week or maybe I'll be dead.
Who knows? Yeah.