The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Mike Recine - Episode 55

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Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

This is

May 24th, 2024.

It is Memorial Day.

So thank you to

the flags of our fathers and the letters from Iwo Jima.

Yeah.

Both sides.

You got to respect both sides.

For sure.

Yeah, because

there's Memorial Day and Veterans Day.

Everybody does this every year.

Right.

But Memorial's Day for the dead ones.

The dead ones.

And then Veterans Day is for the pussies.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For the John McCains of the world.

The pussies who couldn't handle war and got kidnapped by the Japanese.

Yeah.

Imagine going to war and not dying.

That's so embarrassing.

Yeah.

Who is he a POW of?

The Vietnamese.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It would be funny to be in a POW camp in the Vietnam War and you're like, the hell?

What the hell are you guys again?

What was this?

I don't even know.

You can't be doing this to me.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Where are we?

What's that?

You'd be like, where are we?

Where are we?

What are we mad at?

Yeah.

Speaking of where are we?

I will be in Spokane, Washington.

in

two weeks.

Seventh and the eighth, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't, apparently.

I don't know my own dates.

I don't have a break for a while.

That's the only thing I'm willing to plug.

Philadelphia was fun.

Thank you, Philadelphia.

Yeah, my sister was going to go to that show, but she hurt her back.

Oh, okay.

So she couldn't make it.

What happened?

I don't know.

Kyla told me that she hurt her back, but she really wanted to see you.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, people were very nice.

I always like Philadelphia.

They're very nice to that club.

They're nice people.

At Helium?

At Helium, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a good room.

Yeah.

And I got some dates.

I'll be in Charlotte on June 2nd, and I'll be in Irvine, California,

June 5th.

You're doing the Irvine Improv?

Yeah.

Which I don't know.

That's a big room.

It's a big room.

It's a big room for MicroScene.

Well, it's a big room for fucking anybody.

I don't know.

They got me going back there.

I'm like, look, I sold those tickets one time.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I mean, I think you've kind of bled the stone of my quote-unquote stand-up career.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just never know, though.

This is my last year in the entertainment industry.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I've been thinking that too.

It's, I mean, at what point do you just pack it up and say, okay, I'll go back to being a

shit.

Yeah, right.

This is for children.

I already bought PlayStation.

Well, it's not even, I'm not even going to pretend like I'm above it.

Uh-huh.

Like, but it's okay to fail at things.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

And I'm not even going to do the thing like, hey, I made it farther than a lot of people.

No, I failed.

I don't care.

Yeah.

Now I am going to do drugs.

Right.

I'm going to fucking get drunk and drive my car.

Yeah.

And whose fault is that?

Society?

You think about what you would do?

What you would, you think about what kind of career you would go into?

I'd lie my way into something.

I mean, I had to go back to, yeah,

sales, maybe?

People are like, what would I do?

Work at McDonald's?

Yeah.

No, I would get a fucking municipal job.

I'd fucking lie my way.

I'd find somebody I could be friends with.

Sell siding.

Not even sell siding.

I would just say, like, get me a job at the parks department.

Yeah.

And then I'll be one of these, one of those

cool older black guys who dresses like a pimp.

Yeah.

But then he's just like, he's like the

comptroller or something of the parks department.

And he collects $800 million a year in overtime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to be that.

I could probably be like the most handsome guy at the sanitation department.

Yeah.

You know, just get a nice haircut.

But that's been your dream for a while.

Sure.

Yeah.

Those are coveted jobs.

Garbage man, people don't really know outside of New York.

They don't, yeah.

That that's like, if you're from Staten Island, it's like fire department, sanitation, then cop.

Cop is like three.

Yeah.

You know, they look down on cops.

Yeah, garbage is higher than police.

But garbage, but to be one of the higher ups in the in the sanitation department, like and not have to handle any garbage, you get to like wear a suit.

You get to go to Tony Sopr you get to work at Tony Soprano's office when she's.

There was a girl that was like friends with that whole like Chapo set who was from Staten Island that told me one time that her dad was a

like she was from yeah, she was from Staten Island and her dad was like the fire boat captain.

Yeah.

Which like

why the fuck are there boat firefighters?

Yeah.

Because I guess if there's a fire in the boat.

Yeah, just fucking, it's already in the water already.

What are you going to do?

Just turn it over.

Yeah, or just

sink it.

You know?

Yeah.

That kind of doesn't make any sense to me.

It seems stupid to me, but what do I know?

You know?

Yeah.

What do I know?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're right.

Official story.

Two planes.

17 buildings, whatever.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, so it makes a lot of sense.

We have

fire boats.

Anyways, she was telling me, yeah, her dad had a lot of guilt about being one of the boat guys instead of one of the truck guys on 9-11.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But why didn't he take his boat and sail up to the

side?

Because it's not a real job being

a seafaring fireman.

Yeah.

That's insane.

It's an insane thing to be.

What do you think the guards are doing?

That's like being a bathroom chef.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Like

I cater bathroom events.

Yeah.

I guess that's not really a fair.

That's not a good analogy.

No, but I see what you're going for.

Right.

What do you think the garbage guys were doing on 9-11?

Do you think any of them stopped and you don't think any of them tried to rescue any people, right?

The garbage men?

Yeah.

Well, what would they do?

I like get out of the truck and wave.

Yeah, people.

Oh my god, my fingertips are burning.

The gloves are only covering the the rest of my hands are fine on my fingertips.

My fingertips are all burned up from the 9-11 fires.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that, maybe.

Perhaps they were doing that.

Yeah.

So you just went to Europe.

How was that?

Yeah, it was good.

It was nice.

You know what I love about like, you know, when you go to Chicago, you just kind of hop off the plane, you get right on a train.

That's like every city in Europe.

The public transportation is,

if you like trains, I think you'll like Europe.

And

the airport in Madrid was very big.

I was surprised how big it was.

Spain in hot water right now.

For the

Palestine.

Recognizing Palestine.

For recognizing Palestine.

What does that mean?

So much stuff is happening right now where it's like, oh, this all means nothing.

Yeah.

Like, there is no...

You can really just do whatever you want in the world.

Yeah.

I mean, there's this whole, like, first of all, I didn't even know international law existed.

I'm learning that now.

Right.

I thought that companies,

basically, the last hundred years, how it works is there's a race to build a nuclear bomb.

We did it first, and so we get to bully the world.

Russia managed to do it by stealing our ideas, and so then that's what created, you know, like

the Cold War.

Yeah.

And now other countries have bombs.

Are we the only ones with us and Russia the only ones with nukes?

But everybody's got them.

Canada's got some.

India, Pakistan, China, North Korea.

Okay.

North Korea just got them recently.

Okay.

And Iran wants one, right?

But they.

Israel's had them since the 60s or 50s or 60s.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Israel's going to nuke themselves.

France.

I think France was the third country.

So it was the U.S., then Russia, then France.

Okay.

That's fun.

Imagine guys just eating ham sandwiches on a nuke.

Yeah, yeah.

Like,

what's that called?

Madam

Crock Crock.

Croc

Madame.

Croc Monsieur

Madame's Crochet.

Chris's crotch.

Is that the name of the sandwich that they eat over there in France?

You take your mistress out to eat some woman's crotch.

Women's crotch.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know, but you know, that's kind of how it works.

But now there's all this, you know, reading all the news now, it's like, oh, well, there's the International Criminal Court and

they handle charges against individuals, so they've they've gotten arrested they've requested, the prosecutor has requested

an arrest warrant for.

And the Hamas guy, too, but it's like, just leave him alone.

Well,

that's kind of an out for him.

My understanding is that guy is just, he's like Shredder, basically.

He's just down in the, he's just down there living as a big rat man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sending these turtle guys to go fight the IDF.

Right, right.

And like, so what is like, Netanyahu, he's probably, he's eating like caviar right now.

There's people dying and he's like, oh, you know, long day at work.

Time for my, time to plug myself into the dick sucking machine and watch my 85-inch TV and eat caviar.

And like.

He's watching Brett Gelman.

Yeah, he's watching Brett Gelman sketch comedy videos.

And

but the other guy, he's been literally been underground.

He has not seen the sun, I don't think.

There's that one picture of him on like a couch, like a fucked up couch surrounded by rubble.

Right.

And he's like,

bitch, you know, like, guess who you didn't get, but then he's been in the sewers, like in these underground tunnel complexes since the war started.

He presumably hasn't left Gaza.

Oh, okay.

And if there is an arrest warrant, like,

his best option is just be like, okay, fine, I'll stand trial.

Yeah.

That's what I would do if I was him.

Yeah.

Be like, okay.

Right.

What's the worst that try to get me?

Yeah.

Right.

Then I just go to the broken.

That'd be funny if he's like John Gotti.

Then I just

The guy already spent 22 years in prison in Israel.

Yeah.

You know, right?

He's been out for five years.

Yeah.

And then he did this.

Yeah.

It's honestly kind of awesome.

Yeah.

Wait, remember that guy?

Imagine being that much of a like a Bart Simpson.

Like he killed when he was like 17, he like killed somebody.

He's like, this is awesome.

He killed like an IDF soldier and they put him in prison for 22 years.

He gets out and then he's like 1,200 people dead.

Yeah.

How about that?

Yeah.

And then

now they've just completely destroyed Gaza.

Yeah.

Because this guy's, you know,

it's all him.

But yeah, I say that that seems like to be the,

that would be the move, is just to surrender to the ICC.

That also completely fucks the United States and Israel diplomatically, you know, in terms of their international standing.

Can you imagine the fucking White House having the answer to that?

Yeah.

Like, okay, so the Hamas guy willingly surrendered to the ICC to stand trial for these war crimes.

But so do you not support that?

You're saying that, like, they don't have jurisdiction there.

It makes it an impossible bind to be in.

Right, right.

The U.S.

would have to say, yes, we

do not believe in a system of, you know, like where the rule of law applies to everybody.

Yeah.

At that point, because they already kind of have to do it with Putin because it supported the ICC arrest warrants of Putin, but not the Netanyahu one and that one's a question of jurisdiction I think okay you know

but in this case yeah I guess our boys just keep keep winning who

our boys and Hamas I'm not really a Hamas guy you're not no I'm sort of I'm more of like a Hezbollah kind of guy Hezbollah's pretty cool Hezbollah is awesome yeah yeah yeah I like that I like that Azerala's kind of like

he's sort of like fat he's like don't be yeah

he's kind of yeah

like he looks like he loves snacking I guess guess.

Yeah, I'm into that.

Their videos are awesome.

Yeah.

Seeing the video, their videos are like...

I heard those guys train really hard, too.

Yeah, and their training is

they got jet skis and stuff.

Yeah.

Guardwheels.

Yeah.

Like, if I met them, they would yell at me for being too fat.

Right, yeah.

They're kind of fancy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're like proud boys, kind of.

Okay.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

You remember that a few years ago, there was that guy that killed a bunch of people at, like, it was like a summer camp in Norway or something,

and

they put him in prison.

They put him in one of those, like, you know, Swedish prisons, and he was complaining because he, like, didn't have PlayStation.

Yeah, no, Anders Bradwick.

Yeah, Anders Bradwick, yeah.

Yeah, that story is fucking awesome, dude.

Yeah, yeah, it's really cool.

Yeah, yeah, that's how, that's how nice their prisons are.

But that's what fucking, what's his, what's his face has to look forward to.

No matter what prison he ends up in in Europe, it's got to be better than

where he is.

Than the sewer.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like

you have nothing to lose other than making the United States look bad, which isn't that the goal of terrorism?

I guess, yeah.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

So go for it.

You think he'll go to prison and be like, can you make this look more like the sewer?

Like, I wonder if he'll miss the sewer.

Yeah.

He'll decorate.

He'll be like, can we get some

rats and doo-doo in here?

Yeah,

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Boy, how many swastika flags do you need?

Yeah, and then we're back.

And then I got to mentally prepare for

this next read because we have a new sponsor and I'm worried about fucking it up.

Yeah.

Anyways, yeah, what year were you born, Mike?

1987.

1987.

Yeah.

It's 88 for me.

You're the dragon.

Oh, okay.

I thought you were 89.

I thought we were two years apart.

88.

No.

88.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's

I'm the year of the rabbit.

Rabbit, yeah.

It's supposed to be a very bad year for me, and I'm feeling it.

I'm feeling it.

But I guess that's good.

Yeah.

This year's supposed to be bad for you?

Yes.

Yeah, to be sort of humbled by things.

But that's how it works, I guess.

This might be the best year of my life.

Yeah, but you have a family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's still not great, but it's better.

It's not great.

It's better.

That gives you something to live for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Spite can only really take you so far.

Yeah.

And then it's not even really worth it after, you know.

You would think revenge.

Yeah.

That's a great way to live your life.

Right.

That's a great way to find happiness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good motivator.

Nope, I guess not.

Yeah.

So tell me about Europe.

How was that?

Yeah, I mean, you know,

there's trains, there's it was easy to get around.

You know, the shows are pretty good.

Like Amsterdam, the crowds were kinda quiet, and some guy came up to me after the show, and he was like,

They say Dutch people are like autistic.

So I kind of like lowered my expectations a little bit and just sort of, you know.

But they had me do like an hour every night.

It's kind of a long time to be on stage, you know?

American shows are great.

You do 45 minutes and then you're and then you're done.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, they force you to do an hour.

They force you to do an hour, yeah.

Why can't you just tell them the fuck off?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, isn't this the land of being lazy and going on vacation all the time?

These people, they work what?

12 hours a week at the

beginning.

They're like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

Why do you only do 100 metric minutes of comedy?

You are supposed to do,

I don't know, whatever the fucking hour is in their bullshit clock.

Right.

They're bullshit.

Yeah.

Well, I tell you what.

I certainly hope that World War III is coming.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who do you think?

You see the sides lining up?

No, just sort of like an implosion of, I think it's just, you know, the.

We're overdue for something big.

This country seems done to me.

Seems done, yeah.

It seems done, yeah.

Yeah.

Which I think that'll be fine.

I think we'll survive.

I don't know how, because I don't know, like...

I would just go to my parents' house in Jersey and like wait it out.

Yeah, yeah but walk there do they have a mortgage what's that do they have a mortgage I don't know who's gonna what's gonna stop people from just taking their house I think you have to have a gun I think you have to have a gun and you have to know how to use it okay yeah I think that's ultimately like because we did our we already did a revolution yeah and like yeah it was 300 years ago and those guys were racist yeah and then also too I only found out recently through everything I find out is through like infographics on Twitter

but yeah the founding fathers were all like 22 yeah yeah yeah

that crazy?

Yeah.

There's a rumor that George Washington fucked Alexander Hamilton.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't know if that's true.

Okay.

I would not say that.

That seems disrespectful.

Okay, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

To the Founding Fathers.

But no, I say that too.

It's like, isn't that crazy that they were 24 years old?

Like, that's like a detriment.

And you think about it, and it's like, my brain definitely worked better back then.

Sure.

And it's like, oh, but I was so like naive and I was passionate about all these things that I don't care about anymore.

And I'm like, yeah, that means I'm an old piece of shit.

Yeah.

That doesn't mean that I'm like, oh, I'm wise now.

And so, right.

And so I've learned that it's...

Because you think, like, oh, I'll get better as I get older because people peek when they're,

but I don't think that's true.

You're more of a coward.

Yeah.

You become less functional and you're a coward.

Right.

And it's.

And yeah, you're scared because you can't, you can't, you're physically, you're not.

There.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look at old, like, the way a lot of it, you could see it.

You see it when you're younger.

is like, and I guess there's, you know, you maybe describe it as boomers or whatever, but older men,

especially if they never had a family, they never did anything, where they'll get into the, it's not just war history, it's pretending, like, very sub.

They're too much of a pussy to even steal valor.

They'll just like use the NATO alphabet.

You know what I mean?

Like they're that level of like, you know, like they just need something.

They're like, maybe people will accidentally assume I was in the military.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe if I start saying yes, sir,

like in at 40.

Maybe they'll think I was in Grenada or something.

Yeah, right.

If I learn a bunch about the post office, people will think maybe that guy's a veteran.

Yeah, yeah.

Or I grow the right kind of mustache.

And

it's a very sad thing to get to that age and you have no money, and that's the only thing that really matters, you know, and you have nothing to show for your life.

And

there is no wisdom.

Yeah.

That's a lot.

That's a lot.

You're supposed to peak when you're like 26, I think.

That's when most mathematicians peak.

Yeah.

It's like, really, nobody does anything in math after like 27, 28.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

And then you look at what's happening to a lot of like Gen X people, and it's like they don't really, they don't seem to get better.

A lot of those older Gen X guys seem like they're stuck in like, you know,

late 90s, early 2000s.

Yeah.

They don't really evolve.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah, they don't, I guess.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Uh-huh.

Probably fucking TRT.

That's like why you have to do it.

It's like the only option is like maybe just try to get jacked again.

Are you still vegan?

No, I had to stop doing that.

Okay.

It's hard, right?

Yeah, and then, yeah, I mean, I can explain why I stopped, but it's boring.

Yeah.

Unlike the rest of this,

unlike the rest of this podcast, which has been just

a firestorm of

amazing content.

I forgot, I just realized I left the AC on.

I don't think it matters, though, because we're using the dynamic mic.

Also, as soon as we started, I just like,

you know, when you had to take a dump so bad, you can feel the shape of it.

You know what I mean?

Like, you already know what it's going to look like.

Yeah.

Like, you have to take a dump that bad.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, okay.

I see what we're working with here.

That's kind of the zone I'm in right now.

Have you shit your pants recently or as an adult?

I never do that.

Yeah.

I've never done that.

I don't really do that as an adult.

Yeah, no.

I haven't either, but I feel like I'm due for one.

I feel like one's coming.

And I'm not ready for it.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like very recently I shit on the floor a little bit right before getting into the shower.

Okay.

And if it had been 30 seconds earlier, I would have shit my pants.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I kind of sort of a mission impossible style sure you know like Indiana Jones getting his hat

like that sort of

that sort of thing yeah yeah and then you just shit right in the in the shower is what you're saying

no I just it was shit on the floor then I took a shower and then I cleaned it up after I probably should have cleaned it up first okay then I could have just done it with my bare hands yeah I could have just scooped it into the shower with me

yeah

right

yeah Is your son still shitting himself?

He's old enough.

No, he's going on the yeah, he's going on the potty.

And it's weird because you have to buy them like a tiny toilet first, right?

Yeah.

That goes on.

I remember that as a kid.

Yeah.

Learning how to use a small toilet.

So now he's got like his own seat, but yeah, he did have.

But we just got rid of the little toilet.

But that's funny because it's just like a little bowl.

There's no water in it.

Yeah.

So you got to like dump it in the toilet and then wipe it.

It's disgusting.

It's disgusting.

Just shit on the floor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just have him shit on the floor.

Yeah.

I will think if I had a child, I would litter box train them.

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know why more people don't do that.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

He, um,

uh, it's hard to, like, wipe a kid's ass.

I didn't realize when they're sitting on the toilet because you don't really know what you're doing.

It's much easier.

I wish I could like lay him down on his back and wipe his ass like when he was a baby,

but it's hard to like get back there with the, with the wipe.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, that reminded me of something.

So it's like, I guess what I'm saying is, I can't wait until he's like

older and gets injured in a car accident and I have to change his diapers and I can lay him on his back.

I'm trying to, god damn it.

What was I thinking about a second ago?

I don't know, but that happens, that happens to me all the time.

An anecdote I had.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be on stage and I forget what I'm supposed to say next.

Oh, I do that all the time.

And then I have the worst instincts, so I'll be like, oh, so fucking Israel, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just looking, I just silence 300 people.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm getting paid $270 for this.

It's also too, it's like, I also don't care.

Like, that's the worst part is you get older and you find yourself in situations where you should be mortified or humiliated.

Yeah.

And you just don't give a fuck.

And then you feel bad about not giving a fuck because it's like, well, I should, I should.

You know, I should.

Yeah.

I shouldn't just be a fucking laughing stock.

Yeah.

But then it's like, why not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What the fuck does it matter?

Yeah.

There is no reason to continue living on this earth.

Right.

And anyways.

Yeah, one time my grandpa and I.

Shark Tank.

There was a guy that came on with like, he's like, oh, it's a toilet seat for like kids.

Yeah.

But then it's like modular so that something.

And they immediately clocked it.

I think they were like, wouldn't a kid's like penis just get caught in the hinges?

like they don't use those words but like you're looking at it and you're like yeah that seems like that would just

cut his dick right on the crate

yeah

I don't know what was the thing supposed to do I don't know it was like a modular is a thing so you could leave it on the toilet okay and then the kid could use it and then you know it's like a small it's like a it's like a two-size toilet seat or something okay so the middle part has another smaller toilet seat in it that you can also put up okay Now we're out and he has to pee.

I just take him over to the nearest tree and he goes and pisses on the tree.

And it's kind of cool.

It's a time Chinatown move.

Is it?

I saw what you told me.

Yeah.

Which I don't, I don't, I'm not, I don't do that.

Yeah, I was in Chinatown and there was a lady holding her son's penis in broad daylight.

Uh-huh.

Canal Street Wednesday.

Yeah.

Fucking middle of the day, just holding his penis.

How old is the kid?

He had his shirt up doing.

And his pants are down to the ground.

And she's holding.

And he's like 11?

She's like holding it, and he's peeing on the ground.

Yeah.

No, he wasn't 11.

He was like, you know, I don't know

ages, really.

Yeah, so he could have been anywhere from 2 to 37 years old.

Yeah.

I'm not going to do that, but it would be kind of nice if you could because they don't really know

how to aim.

Well, speaking of having a son, what parent do you strive not to be?

For example, the mom who reffs from the bleachers, the dad who loves gifting punny shirts, or the parent that gets a little too excited about Spaghetti Wednesday.

So, we all plan to be the best mom-dad we can be, and you definitely don't, this is taking way too long to get to the point here.

Yeah, I don't want to mess with your bag.

You should probably have life insurance, right?

Sure.

What happens if something happens to you?

Yeah.

Young Benny, he has no one to hold his, they help him to go to the bathroom.

Yeah.

You know, they probably don't want me saying that either.

Yeah.

So I told him, I had a call with

these people,

and I was like, I don't know if you want me doing

anything.

I'm going to try my best.

Yeah, yeah.

Guys, life insurance is very important.

Okay.

And you should have it.

It's responsible.

You know, you got people in your life, you worry about them.

Yeah.

And you think the people who listen to the show have people in their life who worry about them?

Well, it doesn't matter.

Get a life insurance positive.

Everybody's got somebody.

Yeah.

And life insurance is awesome because yeah because it's like then you're like you're you know you're taking care of somebody and you don't really have to do anything they're the they have to pay out all this money and the problem is that it's very hard to sign up for so there's a company called ethos

just like uh

ethos life.com slash t a f s if you want to use our promo code ethos is easy online life insurance and you can you can get it.

It's affordable and you can get it online in minutes with no medical exams.

You just answer a few health questions for a quote and then apply for coverage.

So it's not a medical exam.

It's just a little questionnaire, you know, and then you know you got you got life insurance coverage.

And, you know, I know I have people in my life that

I want to make sure they're taken care of, but

in a way where it's like after, like, you know, not something that's a concern of my waking life yeah and that's the benefit of life insurance right I can't be like whoa what's what's gonna happen to them I better make more money no right I'm done I've tried as much as I can I can't do it yeah I'm burned out yeah and and that's what life insurance is for

and luckily you know I don't know how to do I don't know how to do it so you can go online it's simple to sign up for they ask you some questions you know they say

do you are you I'm assuming it's like are you a smoker or something and I just say absolutely not in fact I'm going to live for a thousand years yeah and they say oh great they're like do you ever drive on the highway and close your eyes and see how long you can do it yeah never I don't take any kind of risk-taking behavior no you don't do that when you're driving what's that you never are you're never driving on the highway and you you like close your eyes um

No.

It's kind of time I took my pants off in my car.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

I was like, nobody could see me.

I was in the highway, and I didn't do anything weird, but I was like, let me just, what if I was just completely nude?

Okay.

From the waist down.

From the waist down.

And then just driving people next to people.

I thought it was hilarious.

I was like 17 at the time.

I was like, no one has any idea that I just don't have pants on.

He's sort of a little British comedy mind.

Sure for me.

He's got no trousers on.

He's operating the lorry without any trousers.

Okay, so Ethos is a life insurance provider.

They provide life insurance for you, and it's very important.

It would be kind of funny if you get in a fight at like the Taco Bell drive-through.

You're like, get out the car.

Yeah.

Their term life policies start as low as $10 a month.

I mean, that's basically nothing.

You can't even...

sponsor a child for that low price.

Are they still doing that?

What happened to that organization?

I don't know.

That guy would just walk around like a war zone and

then eating a turkey sandwich.

Yeah, nobody signed up and they're like, all right, sorry, guys.

Yeah.

And they just packed it up.

But yeah, no medical exam required.

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You don't even need medical insurance anymore.

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And two mil.

Oh, that's the description.

Okay, I think I did that correctly.

Yeah, that was good.

Yeah.

That was great.

There was a charity, I think, a long time ago where it's like you could buy animals for like a third world family.

Like you could buy like a family a cow or you could buy them a goat.

Yeah.

Ox.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

And then so you, I was looking at the brochure one time, and you could, yeah, you could do like a cow or a goat, and then you could also get a parrot for

Egyptian family

yeah

we got you thank you my friend yeah

he's such a beautiful bird I could be

yeah they were the Gilbert Godfrey parrot from you can get a family of falcon yeah yeah kind of cool yeah

but you could also get them guinea pigs and I think that's kind of funny because they they would just eat the guinea pigs yeah you know so it's like here you go here's lunch.

Ox family.

Here's lunch for Spaghetti Wednesday.

Yeah.

That's the thing I don't really understand.

Kate Willet booked me on some like Gaza benefit show

last night.

I forgot I agreed to do it.

Yeah.

It's like, also, I think your audience is going to hate me.

Yeah.

But I went and did it, and it's like the whole premise of that is that, like, we're just

like, I'm just doing genocide or like stand-up comedy at a genocide.

Yeah.

Did you, were you raising money?

I get, but how much money are they raising for a vision lounge?

$12?

It's like, well, why don't we just do nothing?

Yeah.

Why don't we just write a check?

Yeah, that seems to be better than me going and bombing in front of a bunch of people that look like they hate me.

Right.

Yeah.

You like Free Palestine?

So I'm having trouble getting my wife pregnant.

Yeah.

You know?

I think it's the vaccine, folks.

Right, that's the other thing, too, is like, you're not like, I mean, you're still just doing stand-up.

Yeah.

So it's not like you have Gaza music.

The audience is wearing the caffia, and then I'm just talking about Apple Vision Pro.

Yeah.

And then that's supposed to help.

I don't understand

how it works.

Right.

But I didn't watch the other sets on the show.

It's better to, I don't know,

you want to feel like you're doing something, I guess.

I don't.

No?

No, I don't.

Because I know I'm not doing anything.

I know the world isn't good to go to an evil, hypocritical place where you're powerless to make any kind of meaningful change.

In fact, you're so aware of how powerless you are that when you see people trying to make a difference, it makes you angry and you resent them even more than the people actually committing the atrocities.

Yeah.

Because you say, how dare you?

You know what I mean?

You think you're better than me?

Well, not that you even think you're better than me, but

you're furthering this delusion that because otherwise we would

ferment the necessary kind of anger to just

kill all of the people that do hold all of the keys.

You know what I mean?

If everybody was like, this is hopeless, there is no democratic solution here, voting is doing nothing,

all of this supposed free speech is doing nothing.

Right, setting myself on fire didn't work.

Yeah, that's why I always thought it was funny, the idea that

people say that

even to describe societies as authoritarian,

or like that there's some difference between like a democratic society and an authoritarian one.

Not to say that like, well, the democratic ones are also authoritarian, but it's the opposite.

That like, well, we can't help but have

like a type of democracy because in the authoritarian societies, when they fuck up, they'll just kill you.

The people will rise up and kill you.

It might take a lot.

You can probably get a lot of them before they can get you.

But it'll happen.

You know, they always topple.

Right.

And it seems like that in the long term is less oppressive than a system where once every six months you go to the local elementary school and you press a button and then you're still funding a genocide.

Yeah.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah, it's almost like you have more power.

Or maybe you do a benefit show.

Right.

Right, exactly.

When they're killing your family, you have more power.

Yeah, right.

I'm going to vote against killing my family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're so cucked.

I know.

Yeah.

It's a

terrible world to live in.

Yeah.

yeah.

But are there any like uh video games that are out there?

Are there any video games that are good now?

I don't know.

I don't really, why?

Do you play you playing anything?

No, I'm just wondering, like, what do you think?

Kurt recommended that Helldivers 2 game.

Okay.

But I'm not.

Yeah, I haven't been playing that at all.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, no, I don't know anything about it.

I don't know what it is.

Have you seen any movies that you like?

What's that hat from?

That's a restaurant.

It's Sahati's.

It's like a grocery store.

Oh.

Yeah.

You're wearing a hat for a grocery store.

It's pretty good.

It's on Atlantic.

Yeah.

I'm not being paid to, you know.

Yeah.

They didn't give me free hummus to.

I know.

But you're only like kind of recently fat, I feel.

Maybe.

You're just going all in.

See, I don't know.

I keep feeling like I'm losing weight.

Yeah, I know.

And maybe.

Maybe you might come back to Earth, but I don't think wearing a grocery store hat is helping.

Right.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And it's like, it's very interesting.

Of all the types of people, because it wasn't like fat people weren't a type of people until Lizzo.

And then that made, that's also, is that still happening?

Like, I now, like, I feel like, because this is, I feel like there, with this thing that's going on, there is like kind of like a cultural upheaval

where, like, you know, we had to analyze, we spent 10 years analyzing microaggressions and learning about the damage that can happen when you like

fucking like a squint in front of an Asian person at work or you know like some all this stuff that's like this is the this is the worst thing that could possibly happen.

Yeah, and now

we're like witnessing a historical atrocity,

you know, that we're all paying for and now it's like suddenly that's up for debate as to like, well, you know,

we don't know, we can't, we don't know.

Right.

Like,

how do we really want to describe what's going on?

Maybe is it justified?

Where literally any kind of minor grievance was front-page news.

Yeah.

You know, like four or five years ago.

Yeah.

And so I don't, and I'm trying to bring that back to the fat people thing.

It's like, I don't think, like, out of that world, we created fat people as an identity.

And now it seems like that might be the first one that's like dissolving.

Where people are like, oh, actually.

You're saying I'm not like a protected class anymore?

I think they might be done.

And I think it's just because Lizzo got she sent back seamless.

Yeah.

I was watching an old mad TV sketch, and it's Michael McDonald playing like a car dealer, and Paul Vogt comes in as a fat lady who's trying to buy a car.

You ever see that?

No.

I'm sure it's hilarious.

It's really funny.

She's like, I'm here to buy a car.

And he's like, well, we don't have any vans or we don't really sell vans here.

And then she gets in the car, and he calls 911, and he's like, hi, there's a woman stuck in one of my cars right now.

And then she gets out, and he's like, oh, thank God she's out.

She must have had some bacon fat

smeared across her backside.

Yeah.

And that's just

the whole sketch.

Maybe I'll get back into watching Mad TV.

Maybe that'll be the answer.

Yeah.

As far as...

Yeah, it's good stuff.

Yeah.

Have you seen Tires premiered?

Yeah, I haven't seen it.

I haven't seen it either.

I've never seen that, but I went and became a cable guy a couple of years ago.

Okay.

And so I don't have Netflix anymore.

Oh, okay.

Maybe I'll be Torrance.

So what are you watching, like Bar Rescue and

HG TV?

A lot of like, you know, just like 10 minutes of different movies here and there.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's mostly what it is.

Lifetime Movie Network.

Yeah.

My 600-pound life.

Show about dwarves.

Yeah.

My 600-pound dwarf wife.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's cool.

600-pound dwarves.

I had an idea for a movie the other day.

I was thinking, it's Martin Lawrence, and he plays a mentally disabled man in South Carolina in the 70s that becomes an assistant football coach at a high school.

And they like at first they bully him, but then they bring him on.

They're like, oh, let's bring this guy on as an assistant football coach, and it stars Martin Lawrence.

And it's a comedy.

And it's called Black Radio.

Okay.

That was a good time for actors, right?

When they were allowed to do that it's yeah right yeah and so yeah so it's radio but it's martin lawrence and then you called black radio and it's a comedy okay yeah

and he's like hell no you know yeah something like that how about that movie the other sister with uh juliet that's a great movie yeah yeah my favorite part about it is that like Giovanni Rubisi is just playing himself.

It's like you can't even tell that he's like doing...

Yeah.

They're like, no, you're not.

You like showed up in a dog costume.

It's like, yeah, you're just a guy that likes marching bands.

Uh-huh.

You know, and then he's like, Yeah, no problem.

Yeah.

Well, you got to listen to this

music that I love.

I like the sousaphone.

You know?

Have you seen it?

Like parts of it.

Oh, okay.

So you haven't even seen the movie.

No, but I remember like bringing them up to make it even walk the plank.

Well, I remember the trailer and the.

Giovanni Rubisi is a mentally disabled man.

I thought that was good.

And then you go, I haven't seen it.

I've seen like parts of it, and I remember that.

But I was making a larger point about, you know, actors.

They don't let actors play,

you know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And not for any other reason than that one joke in Tropic Thunder.

Right.

You know, that kind of sealed the deal.

That was sort of the end of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I've told you.

Now they have to find twins with Down syndrome.

I will be playing a mentally disabled man.

It's in Spokane, Spokane, Washington, June 2nd through the 8th.

Nice.

At whatever the comedy club is called there.

Please go get tickets.

I don't even know how that's selling.

Don't know, don't care.

Yeah.

Don't know, don't care.

Yeah.

You said one time

you were like, the less effort I put into things, the better they go.

You said it must be like a Chinese thing.

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you gotta be I mean, you don't like perceive it.

When you're struggling, it's it's uh because life and time is just it's a it's a it's a uh a

violent river that just sort of passes you by.

The more passive you are, the easier you can navigate it because you're going to die one way or the other.

Sure.

You know?

Yeah.

But, yeah, the last two years, I feel like

I've worked very hard, and it seems to have not worked out well.

Right.

Yeah.

But, or it has.

I guess it's all comparative.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's kind of like cuck to be working hard, though, you you know?

To be trying.

Yeah, yeah, in a way.

Yeah.

Especially when it's perceived as

most people think you're not working hard either.

Right.

Like, no, no one can perceive the effort either.

So it's like, okay, well, then what am I doing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But to be like doing homework.

I don't want to.

I'm trying to be Mr.

Positivity these days.

I think the world is a bad place, but I'm good.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

I'm okay for the most part.

I should have turned the air conditioner off, and I should have taken a dump before we started the podcast.

So, you didn't get to take a dump?

I haven't.

Okay.

Do you want to pause this?

You got to take a dump?

No, Lev kind of already let the cat out of the bag, but when I go on the road, I'll take Kratom to

just get through being on stage because I still don't really like it, and I don't think I ever will.

Okay.

It is, it is like, that's not a thing I think I'll ever get used to.

Some people love it, performing.

To me, it will always be standing in a room in front of 300 people staring at you.

Yeah.

And so I need something, but I can't drink anymore.

I prayed him helps take the edge off.

Yeah.

But it does work similar to like an opiate where

I won't go to the bathroom for a while.

Yeah.

For the entire weekend.

And then I get home and then it's, I'm like, oh boy, I know I'm going to pay for that.

Yeah.

I know I'm going to be punished for that one.

Today's episode, speaking of travel, is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet, who now has a whole line of luggage.

Okay.

Yeah, let me see.

Let me see.

Go to the website.

Ridge

what's the part of stand-up that you uh that you do like?

They got Look, they got Yankees Wallace.

I don't know.

I mean, I got to say I don't like it, but there's, you know, when you rip something out that's new on stage, that's it, though.

Yeah.

You know, it's like the second the joke is like, you already came up with it before, then I'm like, all right, well,

even if it does well again, I'm like, yeah, I already

did that part.

Right.

You know, I don't know.

It's fun.

It's nice.

It's fun.

I like that nap in the hotel room.

Yeah.

I like when you ask for an early check-in at like 9 a.m.

and they go, Yeah, I think we can accommodate that.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes they act like you're a real asshole for doing that, though.

Sure.

Okay, so RidgeWallet.com.

They got a lot of they got baseball stuff.

So we got Ridge branded wallets.

They got a key holder now.

I've had a Ridge wallet myself for years.

They're one of my favorite sponsors, and they're doing a big push for Father's Day.

They got a Father's Day sale.

So you get 20% off.

And then if you use promo code TAFS, I think you get free shipping, and then maybe some additional kind of money off.

But their Father's Day sale, I love this wallet.

I'm sure your dad will love it too.

Maybe you can get Benjamin to get you a wallet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have him get you a

fucking wallet.

They got rings now, too.

Okay.

Yeah, so you can get married to your wallet.

So you can get married to your ridged luggage.

They got 30% off their travel kits, so I guess this is like a whole set comes with like these fucking cubes, these modular cubes.

And I'm a modular guy.

You know me.

I love particular.

What is modular?

That means you can build stuff.

Yeah, there's like, you know, there's different components all change.

Right.

But when I'm in the airport, trying to trick people into thinking I may have been in the military without explicitly saying it, I love to show off my modular gear.

All kinds of Velcro patches and shit attached to my stupid fucking body.

And just so they're like, wow, was that guy, maybe, obviously he wasn't a combat veteran, but maybe he delivered mail to the other soldiers or did something along those lines, just anything other than being a fucking podcast guy.

It's something, maybe something respectable, who knows?

And I tell you, I really, I really

make it work with these packing cubes that go with the Ridge wallet.

So you would start with one cube and then you can build to a...

Yeah.

You can configure it like it's a house.

Yeah, I like this stuff.

I like, I do like their shit.

I kind of want, I mean, I got this.

This is not rich, but they're the King Crab Orange Yeti does.

So that's back, right?

Because they got a Yeti store down the street.

I don't know if you saw that.

Oh, I didn't know.

Yeah, they got a Yeti store down there filled with King Crab Orange shit.

Okay.

Because I had one of those that color a few years ago.

If the subreddit knew about this, they'd kill themselves, dude.

If the Yeti guys,

the things those guys have gone through to get their hands on the King Crab Orange merchandise, and I'm just here, just a New Yorker higher than a pig on shit,

just fucking buying this stuff, drinking out of it.

This is my drinking.

This isn't part of the private collection at home for the other men who survived testicular cancer and now just collect.

This is my, this is why I bring this around.

I ding it up.

Covered in damp shit.

I don't care.

I don't care because I can always go down the street and buy another one.

Right.

And you can't.

If you're living with your fucking GI bill money in fucking Louisville,

fuck you.

The official mug for men who've survived testicular cancer.

Yeah, anyway.

Wow.

But yeah, Ridge Wallet has stuff that matches the King Crab Orange.

Okay.

You know, so that's cool.

See, they had King Crab Orange maybe like three years ago because I had one.

Look at these colors.

Tell me those aren't

very matchable.

Yeah.

If you're a Yeti guy.

And then when you're at the luggage carousel, you don't have to worry about some Biden administration official taking your luggage.

Yeah, just if you're not worried about

an incomplete fucking creator skater,

an incomplete first-time smoking weed creator skater

stealing your luggage.

Does he still have a job in the administration?

I have no idea.

It was so funny.

It was like a big deal, right?

Yeah, but the job was like, they were like the fucking, like,

like, just like an administrative assistant in a mail room for like the Department of Energy.

I mean, it was like not.

Yeah, really.

It wasn't like they had like a department.

Oh, it wasn't like the head of the department.

I don't think so.

Right.

You know, I mean, it wasn't like that.

They just paraded him out there to be like, look who we are.

Look what.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm right.

Yeah.

Which, like, how do

you know they were stealing luggage?

I mean, they seem so confused to begin with.

How do they, you know?

Right.

How do you know?

Yeah.

They could have thought it was theirs.

Yeah.

You could be that guy he could have just been like, beep, boop, beep, boop, boop.

Yeah,

I really want this luggage.

So maybe I'll email the guy and ask him to send it to me because I really don't.

That's the main thing.

I don't like

staying around at the carousel.

And then people look at me because I have to pick up.

I can't, my brain doesn't work.

I can't remember

what my bag looks like.

So I have to pick up almost every Samsonite bag and I unzip it and I look in the bag.

I'm like, is this my shit?

This is only one type of bag.

Yeah, right, exactly.

And people are like, excuse me, that's mine.

I'm like, well, now I know, motherfucker.

What am I going to do?

After I've licked it, if you the contents of you.

You probably stole all this shit anyway.

So you're probably a thief too, man.

Yeah.

That's the thing, too.

When you get to the gate and they go, there's not room for your bag.

Do you want to check that?

You go, I don't know.

It's going to get stolen.

I got a shit so damn bad.

Yeah.

This sucks.

Yeah.

But anyways, ridgewallet.com slash T-A-F-S.

I hate it because I spend days not even being able to shit.

And then when I finally have to, it's always like something always comes up.

Right, right, right.

You know?

Yeah.

And thus the struggle.

Yeah.

You could probably wrap this up.

No,

we'll have to give a little bit of breathing room to our friends at Ridge.

I wouldn't want to end the episode with an ad read.

Sure.

That would be annoying to them.

I will just, I'll say this.

I recently saw.

I guess I haven't seen anything.

I saw Challengers and Civil War.

I went to go see both of those.

How were they?

Both good.

I like both of them.

Cool.

Yeah, yeah.

I re-watched The Mask of Zorro.

I wanted to reshoot the sauna scene from Challengers.

Okay.

Did you see Challengers?

There's a sauna.

It's about two guys that are gay.

So what happens?

Two guys that are gay?

Well, they're not gay necessarily, but they break up together in boarding school playing tennis.

Okay.

And then a woman comes between them and they develop a rivalry, a tennis rivalry, but it's also this kind of love triangle sort of thing.

Okay.

And

the less dominant of the two, the one that's kind of like a slow burn kind of guy, who like the first guy he fucked, the first guy's fucking the girl and he's like not caring about her and the other guy steals the girl from him.

And then the the guy steals the girl in a slow kind of approach, he eventually becomes this great tennis star, whereas the first guy is just sort of like a a layabout bum that never really, you know, made it to and so

they have to play a match.

I don't know how tennis works, but apparently the best guys in the world of tennis just still have to play like

like sh like the new Rochelle tennis tournament, I guess.

So that's what happens and they meet up in the finals.

So the whole movie, their backstory is intercut with them playing this tennis match.

Okay.

I'm gonna make that movie with my brother, but a piece of cheesecake comes between us.

Oh, okay.

So this is me still leaning into the fat identity.

That's barely a joke.

That's barely a joke.

You're just like, yeah, you wait all that time and be like, you know, I make the same movie, but it's a candy bar.

Me Me and my fat brother are fighting over a piece of Reese's fucking cups.

Anyways, sorry.

There's a scene where...

I do feel like I'm losing weight, though.

Yeah, you do actually look thinner.

Thanks.

And I'll say this.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back to society.

Anyway, so there's a scene where one of the not gay men goes into the sauna and the other guy's all sweaty and he's waiting there.

And the first guy, I guess got a bigger cock than the other guy.

So they don't show you his penis, they show you his ass and everything else.

And he's like, fucking sauntering up to the other guy.

He's like, You ready for the match tomorrow?

You know, it's very Tom of Finland kind of

homoerotic scene.

Nice.

But I want to reshoot it, and he just comes in.

He's like, dude, is that the King Crab Orange 46-ounce Yeti Rambler?

And then it's me, and I go, you're goddamn right it is.

Nice.

And it's me in the sauna at Lifetime.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah, with the nicest.

Anyways, ridge.com slash T-A-F-S, ethos life insurance, bluechew.com.

Folks,

microscenecomedy.com.

MicrosceneComedy.com.

I'll be in Spokane, Washington.

And my special's up on YouTube.

I'll normally.

Check out Mike's special.

And

I don't know.

Either I'll see you guys next week or maybe I'll be dead.

Who knows?

Yeah.

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