Alec Baldwin Talks 30 Rock, Fatherhood, Trial

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Well, I mean, I know people have a name who took the money they made. And it might not have been hundreds of millions of dollars in fees, like Leo or

whatever. DiCaprio.

But there's people I know who made less money in fees, but they invested that money in acting fees, your fee to pay for it. Oh, like Sad.

Oh, fees, like you're paid on a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You make a movie and you get paid. You know, you do Tom Cruise, you get $50 million.

You just say the words, right?

And you get 50 billion dollars no no no he does a lot more than that for 50 million do you have tom cruise do i have tom's number yeah i have a sister's number you have his sister what if i call her who's she who's she yeah she's tom's sister wow

Hello and welcome back to the Adam Friedland Show. I'm Adam Friedland, guys.
Big episode today. But before we start, I'm going back on the road.

Emerald City Comedy Club, Seattle, Washington, January 23rd.

Oh, fuck. I did the dates wrong.

Seattle, Washington, January 22nd, 23rd, 24th. I'm with Caleb Pitts, the man that is, he's sick today.

I'm doing five shows. Get tickets at emeraldcitycomedy.com.
There's also a link in the description of this video.

I'd like to thank, first off, as always, our members for supporting us here on YouTube.com. You make this show possible.
Members get access

to all of our episodes early.

And if you join at the second or third tiers, you get your name in in the credits of this fine program if you'd like to join the freedland family foundation you could do so by clicking the join button here on youtube or by clicking the link in the description below and you could also support us on patreon if you'd prefer the link for that is also in the description and by freedland family foundation i don't mean anyone from my family

you know who you are

Guys, merch is also available the AdamFriedland.show. Check it out.
We have a new shirt that said keep calm. Listen to the Adam Friedland show.
It's going to be do we?

That's funny that Caleb put it in there. I'm doing another one of those.
Caleb writes it and I react

for the first time. It's a fun game that the people love.
My guest this week is the legendary American actor Alec Baldwin. Mr.

Baldwin is known for many roles over the years, but perhaps his most iconic is his turn as Blake, the chastising associate sent to motivate the poor salesman of Glenn. Oh, was that his name? Blake?

Sent to motivate the salesman of Glenn Gary Clint Ross. His name was Blake.
Did you know that? He didn't seem like a Blake. He was a made-up character.

They just gave him a last name, but I don't think anyone else is going to be able to do it. They didn't put it in the play.

There's no dialogue. It's just like a block of text, and then he leaves the

name. He's known for his character.
Put that coffee down. The chastising associate motivated,

whatever. It really is a career-defining performance, one of the film's greatest monologues, the spark of drama that sets everything into motion, but there's too much cussing.

so here's what i would have said if i was him this is good caleb i hope you're feeling better my friend hey you piece of crap put down your coffee and let's get to work enough lollykacking around here we really need to work and we need to make some sales so let's get this thing started and let's have a great week at work thanks everyone

Thanks everyone for your time. And if you need anything, I'm always available.
I really appreciate everyone's time. And I really, I can really see you.
You guys are trying your hardest. Okay,

so let's go do this, guys.

Please enjoy my interview with Alec Baldwin, guys. This is a great one.
I'm very proud of it,

ladies and gentlemen. American Institution, Alec Baldwin.
I can't believe it, folks. I can't believe it, folks.

I feel it.

I feel

I feel truly I've we had a pre-interview yesterday on this is where it all ends my hot streak I'm out classed and outgunned right now you you get within five seconds I'm like it's really him that's so bizarre because you know when you walk around

and you're just kind of allergic to that you know like some people will see you on the street and say things to you oh you do it you say calm down you know what I mean like no but you got on the phone you're like Friedland.

You're like, yeah, Friedland.

Tell me something. Are you as dry in real life as you are on the television screen? I'm like, it's him.
I feel like Liz Lemon right now. What an honor.
It's charming. Thank you so much.

I'm a massive fan. I think I've researched too much.
I mean, you missed the tinfoil hat like pins

on a corkboard section, but we were going quite deep.

And the corruption goes all the way to the top, mind you. I mean, this whole thing sticks.
Obama, the Illuminati, that pyramid with the eyeball.

You look carefully at the dark. You're a useful Patsy, I would say.

No, but it has been fun kind of to just revisit your work and just remind myself, like, kind of anecdotally, the moments in my life that I interacted with it.

And just kind of the... How old are you, if I may ask?

I'm 38 years old. No, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look younger.
How familiar are you with this show right now?

I watch your show because the people from my heart said it's always that thing where they're like, well, your podcast would do better if you did other podcasts. This is a talk show, but yeah.

A talk show.

I'm sorry. Yeah, so talk shows.

Real talk show. Your podcast would do better if you did more talk shows.
Thank you. So

they said to me that you were hot and your show was hot. Thanks.
And your middle name is.

One of the hottest guys said that to me. Yeah, well,

and then so they said to me, come on.

Normally, I don't do a lot of that because I have kids now. I have a lot of kids.
So I'm kind of busy with other things.

When I leave here, I've got to go pick up my kids from school.

Oh, you have like seven of them. I have eight children.
My oldest is

eight now. Well, you lift up a sofa cushion.
There's always a baby under there in my house. Where do you get the energy?

I don't, actually, because I'm half dead from exhaustion. I have my older daughter, Ireland.
She's married, kind of, and has a baby. And I have a baby and a grandchild that are the same age.
Really?

Yeah. That's some freaky shit, right? It's a little

weed? Yeah, something. Are you a weed guy? No, no, but I've taken some gummies for my, I have horrible insomnia.
Do you sleep well?

I took a half of a five milligram and watched Fantastic Mr. Fox with my girlfriend.
And I kept saying, this is so well done. My God, this documentary is amazing.

I've really enjoyed learning about your life. When you speak about film and the theatrical arts,

you kind of seem like you're in love.

Parts of it, yeah. From what I understand, like from a very young age, you grew up in Long Island.
Right. Irish Catholic family? Yes.
Your dad let you stay up late and watch movies. Well, he would,

he'd fall asleep. He would come home.
He always had some other, he was a school teacher. He always had some evening functions he did and jobs he did to supplement his income.

And then he'd come home and my mother was like out of it. So I'd say, well, who's going to let dad in? Like he didn't have a key to his own house.
You know what I mean?

So I would wait for him to come and and he'd come to go in the kitchen and make a sandwich and come in and have something to drink.

And he'd watch, and he'd look at the New York Times, used to have those really pithy little reviews of movies. So it would say, you know, Ball of Fire.

You know, Barbara Stanberg tells Gary Cooper where he can go.

And my father would go, wow, Ball of Fire, that's a great movie. I said, let's watch it.
He'd say, no, no, you've got to go to bed. I go, let's watch 10 minutes.
This is my game.

And within 10 minutes, he was asleep, and I would watch the whole movie until 1 o'clock in the morning. And what were those movies that you were watching?

Are you a big movie freak? Yeah, I was watching. Five Grades to Cairo with Francia Tone.
Okay. Yeah.

Haqueema's My Valley. The best.

Ball of Fire.

Sorry, Wrong Number. Ball of Fire? Ball of Fire is a comedy with Barbara Stamwick, who I love.

The first movie I ever watched on TV all the way through till one in the morning was

Sorry, Wrong Number with Barbara Stamwick and Burt Lancaster. Great thriller.
One of the great thrillers of all time.

But yeah. When I've watched interviews with you, you're like an incredible mimic.
And something I've connected in my mind was like, I imagine like a kid watching TV. Yes.

And then you kind of doing the voices. Did you feel like you were transcending Long Island? Well, I would be there watching a movie and someone would come on.
I remember

watching movies for those of you here who are a little older.

When you watch movies back then, I mean, you had like an Ayurvedic sense of focus.

They were live, right? Well,

you'd watch the movie, movie and there was no button to press. There was no VHS, no VCR, no rewind.
You watch and you got locked in. You like watched and heard everything.

So when James Cagney, you would talk about impersonating people, he would say lines. You'd walk away an hour later, the guy's in the trunk.
The guy says, you know, open up, open up. I can't breathe.

I need some air. And Cagney's like, air? You want air? I'll give you air.
Boom, boom, boom. He shoots the trunk of the car.
Now, I'd walk around.

I was like 10 years old. I'd walk around the whole day going, air? You want air? I'll give you air.
And you just, these lived in your mind all the time.

I was an Austin Powers kid. You were.
Yeah, it was pretty cool. Everyone at school thought it was cool.

You like Mike Myers? Have you followed his whole career? Yeah, I mean, that's kind of my age.

Well, you know, beyond Austin Powers, yeah. The Love Guru? Yeah.
Maybe

we love Guru. Shrek remakes and Shrek sequels, more Shrek.
Oh, really? I thought that was the real Shrek. That was Mike Myers?

Mike Myers does, yeah, but those Austin Powers movies. What was the Scottish guy's name? The Scottish Fat Bastard.

Thank you. He did all that.
Yeah, Fat Bastard. This is our age, demo.
It was pretty cool. Do you remember how funny that was for us? When he had to pee for a long time after he got unfrozen?

That was a real moment. I remember taking my parents to that.
My mom was like, what? Like, I don't want to go see the second one.

I was like,

she was like, it's really a disgusting thing. My kids love that.
They love Zoolander. Yeah, yeah.
They love anything that's nasty. Steeler is really funny.

I mean, I I liked, growing up, our generation is Borat, I feel like.

My kids love Borat. Yeah, yeah.
They do. They want to see Borat.

They want to see the guy's ass on his face, the guy naked.

Oh, the fat guy, yeah, yeah. The fat guy puts his ass on his face.

I'm sorry, I apologize to you. I love Borat.
You know what I love? I love

Sasha Baron Cohen and Sweeney Todd when they do the duel, the shaving duel, where they both shave the guy. I haven't seen it, but I saw him in

Lei Miz. Sasha Baron Cohen does Lei Miz.
He does Master of the House.

He does. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No. I've never seen that.
You've never seen Lei Miz. Is it in some anniversary issue of the show? I think it was a movie with, yeah, Anne Hathaway.
She plays

a prostitute. They cut her.
He does Master of the House and Lay Miz. I didn't know that.
Is it bullshit if it's no talking? If it's only songs? That's what me and my girlfriend had an argument about.

I was like, keep watching. She's like, they're not doing sentences.
It's just songs. Well, you got to think about people who wrote opera, how they tried to keep it interesting.

You know you're not going to sit there and go I am hungry

I want to call this food store to deliver my food. Yeah, it's like everything well everything that's kind of quotidian.
That guy Fondheim does that, right? It's like then I went to the

it's kind of bullshit. It doesn't have to be a song.
He does it slightly better than that. Just fucking say it dude.

But I'm saying the idea of an opera which I attend the opera hit now and then and everything is sung and I left to read the screen because I don't speak German or whatever and you wonder how they have

a lot of good good thoughts. Vagger got some good lines.
He has some great lines. Killer lines.
Great jokes. If I was a German non-Jew person and they were playing that, it's very emotional.

You could sell a fascism with that music. I do get a little nervous when I put on Wagner.
I must say. No, it's fine.
You can listen to it.

Yeah. I'll give you the pass.
It's so beautiful. Tannhauser? Yeah.
You're a big classical nation. Christian and Isolde is my favorite.

That's your thing, classical.

Yeah, I'm a big nut. I was in LA and I was driving around.
I was living out there for a while, going back and forth for 30 years. I had a home in both places.

And I'm in the car and I put on the local classical station and I just,

I never turned back. All I listened to now was pretty much classical.
Do you remember who was playing? Yes. Wagner.
No. Richard Wagner.
Richard Wagner. Richard Wagner.
I had a

on the show recently. I was like, no.
I said, yeah. How was that? I'm afraid to release it.
I don't think I've ever met a racist. I think that was the first racist I've met.

Was she racist on your show?

oh my god but i didn't know how to interact with it because it was kind of a woman was yelling at me and i really hate when that happened she was yelling at you i was trying to yeah yeah i was trying to just i was trying to i think i said to her i'm nice stop yelling whenever women yell just say the same thing which is my line always which is they're so mad well a friend of mine taught me this which was women yell at you no offense but when women yell at you just say the line i don't understand Really?

And they just keep saying it and then they leave.

They'll say something to you and you'll go, I don't understand. They don't like it when you ask questions about what they mean.
They really don't like that either. Say, I don't understand.

They'll be gone in five minutes. They don't like it.

I bet you, like,

Zoron's girl is probably mad at him for working too long

because he was campaigning too much. Yes.
You know, I think it's. Are you excited about that? Are you excited about where the city is headed, the direction we're headed?

I think he's a pretty smart guy.

Yeah, I met him. I met him.

Has he even done the show? He's trying. No, not yet, but

it was really cool. You know, in 92, like, um, my parents were really excited about Clinton, right? And they had, like, don't stop thinking about tomorrow, the Fleetwood Mac.

And then it kind of dawned on me that that was the first boomer, right? That was, like, in national politics. And when I met him, we just both like soccer and hip-hop.

And, like, we're just the lamest guys.

There was like me and Zodon. Yeah, we were just like.
Where did you meet him? I met him in Queens.

You mean Mandani? It's kind of representation. It's kind of Wakanda for me.
It's like, we're we're both like, you know what I mean? Like, he's a millennial. He's like, he was a uniquely normal.

The strangest introduction I ever had was I was at the Kennedy Center honors years ago. I used to go pretty frequently.
I did a couple shows.

For Richard Van David, for Wagner giving me the award, yeah.

Wagner's daughter got the award. Oh, yeah.
She accepted it.

The thing was that we were there and my friend who passed away, she was a big lobbyist in Washington, Liz Robbins, and we're going through the luncheon.

There's like four different events that that you can go to if you're there for the weekend.

So I go down there for the whole weekend that I'm there with this and that, and you're saying hi to Richard Gephardt and you're saying hi to this person, and you're saying hi to this congressman or whatever, and this

woman senator or whatever. And as I don't see over here, and Liz goes, and you know Secretary Kissinger, and I went,

oh, wow. And Henry Kissinger's in front of me.
Hands up. And right prior to that, like within a day or two, his mother had died.

His mother lived up in Harlem, in like a little Jewish section of uptown. And she was a big community activist.
She was very, very well loved there.

And I turned to him and I'm going, here's this guy who is essentially, you know, a war criminal. Yeah, he caught a lot of people.
He's in front of me.

And he's in front of me, and I go,

I'm sorry about your mother. And he leans in and hugs me.
He goes, that's very nice of you. And he was so

ball. So thank you, Samus, for seeing this.
And I thought to myself, I'm comforting Henry Kissinger. Was he like 5'2 ⁇ , but like rotund? He was a little bit of a firearm.

He was a ton of pussy, you know that? He got more ass.

does that? That's like a Nixon with a.

The tapes. Do you like the Nixon tapes? Do I like the Nixon tapes? I love.

I think the writing. I think, okay, from a dramatic arts perspective, I think the writing on Nixon was the best writing.
In terms of, like, this guy's just a fucking... Oliver Stones movie.

No, no, I'm just saying, no, the guy, Richard Nixon. Like, the best president is Lincoln, right? He's like the best.

He did a good job, right? He saved the union, brother. Come Come on, stop.
But anyway, Nixon was just this loser, and every time he showed up anywhere, they'd be like, oh, it's Richard Nixon.

You know the thing about Pat, right? What about her? When he was trying to like

date her,

she was like, no, you're fucking Richard Nixon. I'm not going to date you.
And he drove them on the table. And then he would chaperone her for like 18 months.

But you see Oliver's movie about Nixon. Right.
With the other guy with the other. You see Oliver's movie about Nixon.
And

what's the name? Mao says that to Kissinger.

The interpreter says the chairman wants to know how a fat man like you can have so many girlfriends. Well, he's paying for it probably, though.
No, no. How many

girls you got in your lifetime? Probably over a thousand. How many women? No, that's very interesting.

You're a movie star.

No.

I was a busy man. You're a busy man.
I look at the woman, I got 20 minutes. No, you don't have 20 minutes.
No, no, no. No, I'd say the woman.
Oh, the woman. You got more time, right?

Your kid can walk home.

In your memoir, you talk about when you're a young actor living in New York City, you talk about that you were into prank calls, you and your roommate pressed,

right? My roommate, well I used to do this with my ex-girlfriend. Did you?

Driving in from Long Island on Sunday nights, we'd be driving on the LIE late at night and we would leave messages on like corporate voicemails.

So you'd call up and it would say, Trebeach, Human Resources, press 26.

And then you'd press 26 and the voice would come on and go, hi, it's Steve Regan. And even messaged me after the tone.
And I'd get on and go, oh my God, Steve, Steve, last night was so magical.

You were amazing. You left your watch on the night table.

Whatever the gag was.

Could you prank call my father?

Here's my pitch. You prank call him as Donald Trump, and you say your son is in big trouble with the administration.

I should be so,

well, you know what? I can't do these voices. You do.
And you say you're Trump.

No, but you say you're Trump, and right away your father will know what stupid we're doing. Well, my dad won't know.
He's going to think that I'm going to Gitmo, and and it's going to be so funny.

But I think I should say that, like, somebody should say,

not you, of course, somebody should say, I'll hold the line for Director Patel. Oh, yeah, Cassidy.
And I can't catch you. They wouldn't really know who that was.

My dad would have some words for Trump. I think it's going to be funny.
But let's face the interview first. You want to do it now? Yeah, it'd be hilarious.

This is going to be a moment of talking about. It's more proposatory than I thought.
I don't have a phone on me. I mean, well, yeah, say this is Donald Trump.
I have your son.

No, I'm not going to say I'm Donald Trump. No, just say it's going to be be because my dad is.
Say I'm the president? Yeah.

He hates Trump, but if I say I'm Trump, that's going to give it away that it's bullshit. What's his name? Max.
Max? Yeah, Max Friedland.

He's a great guy. Max Wagner is your fellow.
No, he's not. Come on, dude.
We're on the other side. We're on the hiding side.
Okay.

Hold the line for the President of the United States, please.

One moment. Dad, I think it's for

Hello?

Hold the line for the President of the United States, please.

Hold the line for the President of the United States.

This is Max. Max, are you there? Max, I've got a file in front of me that says you're in Vegas.
Is that where you are, Max? Vegas.

Who am I talking to? You're talking to the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

And I want you to know your son.

I know who you are. Your son is a mess, okay? We gotta get him out of the country.
We're sending him down to Uruguay. Uruguay.

We're going to teach communications at the Uruguayan University of Communications, okay? But we want you to talk to him really quickly.

He's only going to be in the country for another three or four hours.

Here he is, Max. Thank you.
Hold on. Say hello to your father, Max.
I'm in big trouble with the administration.

I know.

He's a Brit. He's a Brit.
He's South Africa.

Yeah, we're at Cape Tony, Jews. Dad, I'll talk to you later.
You've been pranked. South African, they got it right the first time, okay? They knew what they were doing.

You're an idiot, you've been pranked

by the best.

Oh, you hear that?

You're coming for that, James. Keyric victory.
Yo, okay. I love you, Dad.

I love you, Dad. Dad, you say I love you back.
Why don't you say I love you back?

I said, I love you back, Dad. Oh, okay.
Thanks a lot. Why are you doing this?

He's really turned so nice recently. Yes.
I can't handle it. Was he not like that when you were young? No, well, it's not.
Are you bitter and cynical because of the way he treated you? No, no, no.

He's my best friend. He made me tough because we'd sit there arguing, but it would always be like a compliment, but it would be a criticism.
The other day, he's like, Just be yourself.

I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Who's that? Myself?

How many kids in your family? Two. I'm the older one.
And who's the other one? Zoe. We have the same birthday.
That's the one that answered the phone. Yeah, yeah, she was in on it.
She was in on it.

Can I ask you

if I could take your phone and could I do a prank call

on Robert De Niro, perhaps?

That's good help.

You get Hillary Hill.

I don't have anybody here who would have to do that. What about President Clinton? He's a real magic guy.
Hillary Clinton? I mean, Chelsea Clinton? No, no. Yeah.

If I gave your number and you prank called Chelsea Clinton, I would be out of this country in about an hour. I'm telling you, I'm not going to mess anything up with you.

Robert De Niro is going to think this is really funny. De Niro is a very no-nonsense guy.
He's very busy during the day. Is he? He's like that in real life.

He's opening restaurants and hotels around the world, and he's a very successful person. Nobu.
Nobu. Nobu.

Is that annoying?

He's like, we're... Nobu.
No, you guys like dress up in costumes and pretend to be other people, and then he's like a serious businessman.

He's loaded with money.

Yeah, but it's like, you don't have to. You're a fucking Robert Di Ni News.

But while you make, I mean, I know people will name who are like, maybe you've heard of them.

Obama. Wagner.
Wagner. Who haven't,

who took the money they made and it might not have been hundreds of millions of dollars in fees like leo or or or you know whatever

they capri's because um the uh no but these guys make a lot of money in fees but there's people i know who made less money in fees but they invested that money what do you mean fees like tacking fees your fees

oh like sag yeah yeah well yeah

oh fees like you're you're paid on a movie yeah yeah yeah you make a movie and you get paid you know you do Tom Cruise you get $50 million to do the coolest job right well but I'm saying is that the the...

You just say the words, right? And you get them $50 billion?

No, no, no. He does a lot more than that for $50 million.

Do you have Tom Cruise? I'm just a huge. What, Tom's number? Yeah.
I have a sister's number. You have a sister's number.
And if I call her... Who's she? Who's she? Yeah.
She's Tom's sister. Wow.

She runs a lot of his business accounts.

He's one of my favorites.

But I'm saying is that those people, I know people who've taken less money, they haven't made as much money, but they invested it so wisely. They're rich beyond belief.

If I told you some of them, you'd die. And Daniel wrote the same way.
He invests in businesses. Who has the most money?

Who has the most money of anybody I've ever met in my life? I have to say one of the Beatles would probably be the most wealthy people. Maca? Can we call him MACA?

Oh, no. No.
Why? You had a falling out with MACA? No. No, no.
I just, I mean, for me, I kind of went underground for a while when I had my issue in New Mexico that I had to deal with. I mean, MACA,

he wrote some of the best. Well, we're friends.
I mean, we have a lot of music guys here.

This guy over here, Jake, is really close with me.

Are you? Yeah, yeah. He jams.
Where is he? Me and Matt? Yeah, yeah. You're buddies with him? Big time.

Are you being serious?

I mean, he is,

he's the best. He's like my favorite.
Him and Bob Dylan.

You missed him because you were listening to violins. I was listening to Strauss.
You're listening to Strauss. Strauss.
Now,

you like Bob Dylan? Oh, yeah, he's the best. What do you love about Bob Dylan?

I go in and out on Bob Dylan.

Oh, I mean, it's every era for different periods of your life. I went heavy Christian after a terrible breakup, and I was like, I did the, then I realized that, yeah, yeah, I was like, it's so nice.

What brand of Christianity is? The Bob Dylan Christian, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like a.
You're a Bob Dylan Christian. Well, he had three Christian albums, and then I was like, what?

Maybe God loves you, right? And I was like, we didn't have that for Jews. Our God is like Trump.
He's like, if you don't respect me, I'm going to smite you.

If you make a golden calf, like, I'm going to kill all of you. He's like very insecure.
He's like a bitch. But like,

it's not real. None of this is real.
But, like, I'm like, oh, it's so nice that the Jesus thing that God loves you so much, he'll let your son die. But then I snapped out of it.

How would you define Judaism? What's your definition of it? What makes you?

What's the definition? I have a friend of mine that gave me a great definition. You do the thing.

You do the thing and it's boring, but like your grandpa was bored too, but you feel like you're not going to. It's your turn to be bored.
Yeah, it's kind of nice. It's gibberish.

it's like spells i don't know but it's like you don't want to be the one that drops the ball you raise very observant i mean if i do it i i i know all the like all the words you know the words i did yeah i did full parsha hoftorah and i i led uh uh

you went to uh hebrew school we i i didn't i went to i was bar misfit orthodox because it was free that's why the written yeah library

yeah yeah it was free to go there but um i don't know i think it's kind of uh it's just like that's kind of nice. The boredom is kind of, it doesn't make sense.
You don't know what they're saying.

But your grandpa, it did make sense to him. And that's kind of why, you know what I mean? Well, no, I grew up Catholic.

Well, we're cousins.

And they spoke Latin back then, so it was also gibberish.

Well, yeah, we both

hate ourselves, and we both think that life is just agony.

We're cousins. I mean, all of my friends are either Catholic or Jewish or black.

Catholicism to me is about redemption. Yeah, yeah.

No matter how bad you are, you have to see that there's a chance they'll be redeemed for what they did. Oh yeah.
I stopped the Christian thing when I realized that hell is the meanest thing ever.

Can you imagine? Forever? What is it? And if you're a baby and you haven't been baptized yet, what about hell with something that is just your hell? Like a mind you hate, like your own personal hell.

I mean it's sad. Yeah, I think that it's just sad that people die.
Wow, this is getting pretty. It's just sad that you know you're alive and then it's...
Are you afraid to die?

Oh, it's the scariest thing ever.

I don't understand.

People are like, public speaking is my biggest fear. I was like, what about fucking dying? Exactly.
Forever? What about being thrown out of a plane? What about fucking

narcotics? Yeah, yeah. You ever see those movies when they do that?

When they take the enemy and they bind him up and then they throw him out of the plane? No. You ever see that? Like in a drug movie? Oh, like a...
Well, they take a guy, they just don't like...

Pedro and they throw him out of the plane. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like if they're criminals, like a cartoonist. Or they're just the enemy.
Yeah, yeah. But those guys are ready to die.
You know what?

They're like, you know, they're like, Is my die. You know, like, was that good acting? Okay, can we talk?

You realize, Petro, you might be killed. Can we talk a little bit about your...
I've been going back through your filmography and your performances.

And it's just like when you appear on a screen, it's like, oh, it's

my pal. It's like my old pal.
And this is going to be great. I mean, you could make a real turd watchable.
Pearl Harbor, you're like, you make your parts watchable.

And that's one of the shittiest movies of all time.

I mean, I'm serious. Yeah.
And it's just like,

I watched Hunter for Reddit October with my dad. This is like a hunky leading man.

Back then, yeah.

From like learning about what transpired afterwards, it wasn't the perception I had of you. I feel like the industry has been like a frustration.

You know, like, especially when it came to like reprising your role as Jack Ryan.

Well, they wanted me to sign up with a blank contract. When we start, when we finish,

like you only do this,

and you never do anything else. And I had an opportunity, as I wrote in my memoir, to do the streetcar on Broadway, which was a very.
That was like the opportunity for an actor. That was it.

I would never have that opportunity again, ever. My perception was that

they kind of like promised you and threw me out of the plane. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's not bad to get replaced by the coolest guy of all time, right?

Imagine if it was Brian Denehy playing Jack Ryan.

It's Han Solo, I mean. When I read about that, I was like, it's just so cynical.

You're like an artist, right? And when you talk about performing and acting, you get so passionate about it. I want to talk about it.

Well, you realize back then, what I learned, what was 89, 90, the movie came out in 90.

And then in the ensuing couple years, the early 90s, I learned that you just really can't rely on anybody and what they say there.

So I just, whenever they'd say blah, blah, blah, to them, go, oh, that's great. I'm never counting on any of it happening.

It's very tough. You just have to have monsters that do it for you.
I have a whole team of ghouls. What was the genesis of this meaning?

Were you like Rupert Pupkin in the basement and your mother's yelling down the stairs? It is a joke. It's a joke that became a real thing.
Yeah, yeah.

So it was a joke and your mom goes, please, it's so annoying. This

is made fun of. No, no, yeah.

I was on a podcast that was for like,

I mean, whatever, r

guys.

I mean, just idiots. He didn't smile, and now I've, okay, I was on a podcast for like ugly men, right? Oh, for ugly men, yeah, yeah, just mentally just like the worst,

you know, and it was like a cult status that became very successful. And then one of the

cometown. We tried they

oh, yeah, anyway, it's it got it got successful.

It's very, I don't know, I was just there pretty much, but the you know, the the one of the guys left, and then uh the other guy's idea was to make like by far the least popular

nebishy kind of like the glasses, you know, allergies.

We all played a role.

On the show, on

what's it called? Come Town? Yeah, so then. On that show.
Were you like a leading man compared to them?

No, no, absolutely.

So sometimes

I was barely even there.

But yeah,

I think we went a little bit manic and

publicly proclaimed we were going to make a television show. We didn't know what cameras or anything, and then we recreated the Dick Havitt show set.

I have an image of you in a set set like this in your basement, and your mother, whatever, and you're sitting there, and there's a line you say. No, no, no, no, no.

And that line, you like sitting there, and you go, I'll show them.

Well, no, I think that's that.

I'm not a scary guy like that. No, no, but it doesn't be scary.
I think it was just like that. A real guests were coming, and then I decided for the first time in my life at 35 to try.

And then I've kind of seen myself progress, and it's given me a sense of self-worth. And

it feels like I'm not fast-forwarding to being dead and so it's just overwork

why are you looking

are you gonna punch me no I'm gonna fucking

fuck you up I'm gonna fuck you up dude

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I watched the monologue from Glenn, Gary, Glenn Ross. I have like so many friends that went to the revival that were like, that was fucking bullshit.
They didn't have put that coffee out. Nope.

It was like, because that was only for the film. Did Mammoth write that for you? Yes.
Not for me. He brought it for the film.
And so, like, do you conceive of that as like a moment for you?

I really don't care in terms of like, I never really watch my own stuff and value it in any way. It's the best acting ever.

Well, no, no, but I'm saying that I called Matt and I go, you won the Pulitzer Prize for the play. Why did you feel it necessary to add something to it? You won the Pulitzer Prize.

He said, I never believed these guys were criminals. I never believed they could commit a crime.
They didn't have a criminal nature, so I needed another ratchet.

I needed another turn of the screw to make them commit a crime. And you're going to come in, you're going to tell them, if you don't get this done tonight, it's over.

So he brought me in to do that. And it was really tough because I admired all them and I had to piss in their face all day for three days.

Did it feel real?

I thought Ed Harris was going to punch me in the face. Really? Because that's what I imagined.
In that room, you're with a murderer's row, right?

Do you like, is there a competitive aspect of it? Is it like you don't want to get acted off the screen?

Like, did you bring it really because like fucking Pacino and Jack Lemon were like the Jack, I admire him.

Yeah, well, you just really,

I mean, everything you do, you've got to have some motivation. So it's like, I'm there with Foley.
I've said this a million times. I'm there with Foley, who's the director.

And I said, oh, this is tough, man. I mean, I'm just so mean to them.
And Foley said to me, who just died recently, he said, it's like that scene in Patton where he slaps the soldier in the tent.

You call yourself a soldier.

And he goes, this scene is you call yourself a salesman. He said, these guys, you're doing it for their own good.
You're doing it to help them. You're helping them.

I remember sitting there, I was like, Popeye after he ate the spinach. You know what I mean? I remember sitting there, going, all right, let's fucking go.

And I'm like, you know, I got out of my chair and I was like,

was ready to kill.

Did they give you your flowers? Was Pacino like, woo-hoo,

you were great? No, he wasn't in the scene. No, no, he wasn't in the scene.
That's right. Did Jack Lemon say like, you? No, Jack Lemon didn't say a word to me.
They all did.

He did his pants, probably. No, no, they just stayed in the zone.
You know what I mean? They were all in that zone all day long, three days.

It, in my mind, is a moment in, like, it feels like some of the best acting I've ever seen in a film. And you're only, you were probably on set for, what, two days? Yeah, two and a half days.

And you kind of like steal, you steal. The most exciting thing, and that movie was a good example, was, you know, it's the people you work with.

Obviously, the actors are a big part of it, but also the crew. Like, I've always worked with, I've been very blessed to work with some of the greatest cinematographers in history.

And Juan Ruiz Anchilla, who was the DP on that film, he was like, you know, Babanko's guy, and he was, I love him. Anyway, Juan Ruiz Anchilla, he was great.
I worked with Dom McAlpine.

I worked with Toll, John Toll. I worked with, you know,

I'm forgetting now, but Bob Richardson, the legendary Bob Richardson,

the one I did.

Is there ever a time where they're like, they don't speak English, right? Yeah, you know the story. What's the story? Carlo DePalma.
Oh, of course.

That's Carla. He didn't speak English very well.
We did Woody Allen's movie.

How does Woody communicate with the mother set? He doesn't talk to him. He's like, just tell them.
They go off and mumble. Just go over there.
Yeah. You put the camera near her.
Yeah. Closer to her.

You did three Woody's? I did three Woody's, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
In transitioning to like being a comedic actor, which like you have a classical training, right? You studied at NYU and like

Strasbourg. But kind of, in some ways, the way I see it is like you at the TV, that was the beginning of your education.
That's where you learn. Right? Watching other people.

And it's kind of like you were picking, that was like the beginning of theater school for you, right? And like, are you the best actor you've ever been right now?

Like, is it something that evolves over time?

Well, I think it's hard to.

I'd rather give a, I'd rather have a smaller role in a great film than have a big role in a mediocre film. You know, the key is, are you making a film with people who...

I said this quote in a documentary I did. I said avoiding any kind of relationship or any kind of communication with the director and not availing yourself of the director's skills.

I said it was like trying to avoid the birth canal when you're being born.

It all goes through the director. They're making the film.
So if you make a film with a good director, you have an increased chance.

I've made films where we knew that if everybody did their job perfectly every day, the most we could hope for was mediocrity. You know what I mean?

It wasn't on the page. I wanted to go to work.
But when I work with Marty or somebody like that, I'm like, you know, fuck.

That's exciting. I mean, you were in too.
You kind of soul departed too.

No, you seen Soul.

But I love doing the aviator because I love that period. I love Leo in that role.
Oh, yeah, as Juan.

Exactly.

And his daughter is my neighbor on Long Island. She was Betsy DeVecki.
Panic. I sat with her.
Betsy DeVecchi said to me, I'll never forget that. She's not fat stacks, no?

No, she's probably big house, no? Yeah.

She's passed away. Oh, I'm sorry.
She had a nice house. Sorry,

may her memory be a blessing. It was some historic home.
But anyway, so Trip, I'm there with her, and she goes, Do you think that Mr. Scorsese would like to have my dad's luggage in the film?

And I go,

I don't know.

I can call up him and ask him and she he had Halliburton luggage that stainless steel luggage beautiful luggage all stamped with the logo of Pan Am on there and I remember thinking my god it's like sell me this fucking luggage like right now right for a million dollars I'll give you a million dollars did you tell Marty I know I told Marty Marty like no

that sucks because you're trying to impress him you were like Marty I found the real luggage of the girl you realize your research isn't to change the script I've had that happen that's not changing the script you're like going above and beyond You're being a good student.

You're like,

you're trying to bring what you can. You're trying to bring it.
I mean, it's Martin Square's.

Are there directors that you've wanted to fucking just pummel? Like there have to be, some of them have to be like manipulative fucking sociopathic directors.

I've been in situations where early on, I don't even think they roll the camera. Like you're in meetings before and the guy's obviously not, doesn't have anything to say.

Like you just think differently. I don't want to judge people and say mean things about them.

But there's like one or two cases where I sat there and I said to the producers, we get alone in in a room and I go, get somebody else.

I don't want to do that. I want to go home.
Yeah, because you're naturally manipulating someone into giving a performance, right? So there is some sort of a good director.

You got to have a decent director. I did this movie, The Cooler.

And yeah, and Wayne Cranberg was the writer-director. And it was like,

and I just loved him. He was really, really, he was into listening to what you had to say.
But in the end, you defer to the fact.

Like, if you read a script and you agree to do the film, you agree to do that script.

You can't come in, which many actors do and try to change things after the fact. You come in and then you say to them, let's do some alternatives.
We'll do it as written.

Then let's do some improvisations. But always do it as written.
That's what we're obligated to do. We just had Bill Macy, who was also in that movie.
And I say Bill because it's like I'm also famous.

He said, I can call him Bill. It's kind of sick.
I made three movies with Bill Mac. Bill H.
Macy.

Yeah, but he was the, you were nominated for the cooler. I did the cooler with him, Ghost to Mississippi, and then I did a state in Maine with Mammoth.

So he took, Mammoth was like his like kind of mentor. Yes.
Yeah. And the way he described his

process was like the least

dick-headed way that acting has ever been described to me, which is that there's no character, there's just an objective. Like, it's you do your fucking job, right? And if you do it.

That's the Mammoth school. Mammoth wrote a book.
Like, did that rub off on you in working with him? No. No.

You don't buy it.

I've worked with directors, not many, but a couple, where where they'd say to me, could you do this

and do this? And I didn't quite understand, but I'd always go, because of time, you're part of a collaboration where time is urgent. So I'd say to the guy, sure, I go, I'll do that right now.

Let's do another one. I'll do that.
And I'd go right back and do exactly what I did before.

I go, how was that? So what's your process?

Well, if the director is somebody who is, this is the torture of, not torture, but the torment of how we work now is that if there's people who are great directors or you think they're onto something, like Wayne, when I worked with him, he wasn't famous.

But when they're onto something, you do what they want to do. Let them lead you.
But then with other people, you have to be self-directing, which is tough.

You have to decide, well, I think this is what I should do. And guys will walk up to you and go, oh, don't do that, or don't do that.

See, one thing you always do, I know this is we're digressing, but one thing you always try to do is how much of a performer is the character? So in Glenn Gary, that guy was a performer.

He'd gone around the New York real estate world and beyond and

straighten him out.

Motivating them. Yeah, the motivate is their word.

And so whenever you do films and things like that, you have to wonder, is the guy, like I always say the same tired line, which is that Robert Duvall plays Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird.

He doesn't have one line.

And it's one of the most shattering performances you've ever seen in your lifetime.

So, well, acting is physical, acting is emotional, acting is interiority, all these different things. And when you're doing something with a director and they don't get what you're doing,

it's tough. You and Mammet, and especially in Glen Gary, Glenn Ross, it's so testosterone-driven, right? And there's so masculine, those scripts.

It's tough. Yeah, you're in a world where you put on costumes and you pretend to be other people, but

the theatrical arts are not like, there's a sensitivity about them.

Well,

you can walk onto the set with Mammoth

and you say to yourself, the films he's directed that he's written have been less successful than the scripts he wrote that other people directed.

But that can't influence what you do. You have to go in with people and always say and think the best.
I'm not just saying this to be warm. You know what I mean?

You go in there, you don't want to predict failure. I've made movies where the other actor or actress was someone who I didn't quite understand what they were doing.

And I didn't quite understand why the director wasn't on them. Who is it?

And Jean's Levin?

We were all thinking. She's the opposite.
She's the opposite. She's the funniest person on earth.
Well, she's such a unique person, you know, because she's so funny in that way.

I mean, you realize that when I worked with them, I wasn't funny when I worked with them. Shut the fuck up.

Well, no, no, but I'm being, I mean, I've done some SNL, but the point is this, but I really mean this. I learned not to be funny, but I learned what was funny.

A lot of things you see now on T V, I mean, a ton of it, is more cute than funny. And Tina was funny.
I mean, they'd hand me scripts.

We'd do a Wednesday read-through, and they'd hand us the script on a Wednesday morning and I'd read it in the makeup chair and then we'd go up to a lunch conference room which had cameras to beam us to Burbeck for the executives in California to watch the read-through at 12 noon.

And they'd hand me the script. I'd go see Robert Carlock

for the lunch read-through and I look at him and I go, Are you fucking kidding me?

You want me to do, you're out of your mind? You want me to do this? Which was I was like a gay Mexican soap opera star playing against myself, doing the Patty Duke thing.

And he was like, and Carlock always said the same thing. He said, it's a big swing.
It's a big swing.

But we know you can do it. We have faith in you.
It's fun, too, right?

I never had more fun in my life.

There's a particular scene which I think your performance is a masterclass in comedic acting, but it's the scene where you take Tracy to meet the NBC therapist.

And you play like 12 different characters. I bust up a ship of rope.

And he starts engaging.

It's just, it is like a perfect scene. I actually just this this morning remembered another scene of yours, which I literally made me pee my pants when I was a kid, or like younger.

But in Along Came Polly, when you're pissing next to Ben Stiller, and then you tenderly squeeze his earlier, and then you start massaging his, like, after you've been pissing, and you're his boss, of course.

It's just...

I knew she was a dime stole the moment I laid eyes on her. Dude,

who had the vision that, like, who knew you were funny? Because you're going to do this. Like, I'm not funny at all.
I'm just an actor. But, like, was it Lorde? Like, did the Lord?

I wouldn't do SNL the first time. And what I learned was, unless you're Stallone or Schwarzenegger, where they're going to make up fun of your persona, they're not going to do that.

You've got to become one of the company and just pull your pants down and make an ass of yourself. Is it more fun? No, no, no.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I loved SNL because you would never.

There's things you do, though, not all of it, but there were things you would do that you would never do anywhere else. Yeah.
To have that experience, you had to do that show. Like Little Canteen Boy?

I don't think it was Little Canteen Boy. What is it? I think he was strapping Canteen Boy.
No, that was what it was. Oh, no, no, no, I was the scout master.
He was right. Yeah, yeah.

You know, we used to live in a fucking

better. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, Sandler.
He got more complaints about that sketch than any sketch in the city.

It was pretty funny, honestly.

Do you ever fear that, like, your perception as a celebrity might overshadow the very reason why you're a celebrity? Well, yeah, you have to be very careful.

I tell people all the time who are young, I'm like, don't.

See, the people who are the biggest stars, you know the least about them yeah and they control that I would be a ghost yeah yeah because if you go out if you if you if they see you doing things in public and it's not appealing or attractive it's not it's not gonna help you like I mean I felt like if guys were

75 feet away with a long lens and they took your picture I never cared was when they got up close and almost hit my wife in the teeth with the lens of their camera I mean I would get sick that's when I got a little panicky yeah I did get I mean I took the bait more than once but it's not the bait they're fucking hitting your wife in the face with a camera almost yeah Was the first time you got paparazzi like kind of cool?

Were you like, dude, I must be sexy. I've hated him from day one.
You hated him day one. There's an Italian guy following you around.
He's like, bella, bella, you know, I don't know what they're like.

I've never gotten one.

Well, here it's it, well, here it's gone from like a, you see, you're too young to remember, like, here it's gone from like a very, very obscure corner of the entertainment space as a room.

They were off in a little corner. And all this kind of salacious gossipy stuff was very, very, very like third or fourth tier.
I feel like you didn't even know about people's lives.

And now it's an industry.

And now they're going around and making a fool of famous, wealthy sports figures, music figures, entertainers of whatever, actors, businessmen, Musk, whoever, politicians, to humiliate them and embarrass them publicly.

That's a huge industry now. A very big industry.
So they're out there with nets trying to catch something.

I feel like I'm lucky that I'm not a punishing guy. I'm more of a, like, I'll psychologically just

say the long end. Yeah, you stare at them.
Do you think that you were characterized as a as like a like a bully? A tabloid fixture? As a bully. I bullied these photographers.
I went up to one guy.

The guys that were trying to take a picture of your newborn child? Well, one guy walks up. We're coming out of our building and we're walking down the block and he's walking backwards.

And he's really big. He's like 6'4 ⁇ , he's tall.
He's a big guy, you know what I mean? And he doesn't pay attention, and he trips and falls and sits on a baby in a stroller. What's behind you?

Your baby? No, no, somebody else's. A woman's coming this way, and he's going backwards, and he falls onto the baby and sits on the baby and the stroller.
And I thought to myself,

well, I won't say what I've thought. You're like, it's my fault.

No, no.

I'm a really. We should just chop him up now, right here.

I wanted to mention something to you that I've felt and I've been, it's kind of like been dawned on me since I was like doing the research for you. And it's going back to what I said:

that your celebrity sometimes

has overshadowed kind of. by reputation is what you mean but it's you use the word celebrity or reputation

public life right um something i've picked up on is like i watched your reality show right and um why

because like um i was uh being thorough but like it really dawned it the first thought i had was like is this what you have to do these days like in in a moment of extreme like uh personal crisis like i'm weeping in a in a conference room with some publicists and i go what can i do to clean up this massive music?

And they go, you can have seven kids. Is it? But like, what I'm saying is, is like, for me personally,

I've like, I'm not into like celebrity gossip, but when I heard about what happened, right, it didn't sound real to me. Where? Right.
In New Mexico.

It didn't sound like a real thing that happened in the real world. I think we probably made jokes about it.
Like, it didn't dawn on me until I was doing research for the show. And I really felt like

it would be something that you would carry for the rest of your life. And it just

kind of dawned on me that people don't perceive public figures as real human beings, perhaps.

I think that in that case,

among countless things I could say was the idea that when my case imploded and was over, and it was over not because of a statement of a jury or of the cleverness of my lawyers, the judge ended the case.

It was thrown out, yeah. The judge terminated the trial.
She thought, this is enough, this is insane.

And when that happened,

a friend of mine, a woman who's an attorney, very famous attorney, she said to me that what bothered her was,

she said, once they couldn't get you, it was over.

The case didn't continue. They're not out there looking for the guy that brought the bullets onto the set.
They're not doing,

once they attempted to frame you

and they couldn't do it, it ended. Which that should be of grave concern to everybody that lives in that community that it just imploded because they didn't succeed at their other.

Certainly, but beyond that,

I looked at the way that it's discussed in popular discourse and on the internet. I looked at Reddit.

But Reddit's bad. It's bad, but it seems like

people don't process it in a way that

this is clearly something that is not

someone's fault. Instead, they kind of, in a very unfair way, assign blame to you.
No, it's not funny. Funny is like, at least, like...
Well, a lot of it they try, they think it's funny.

Funny is at least like ironic. I think people that genuinely assign blame for something that's like literally, you know, that you'll carry for the rest of your life.

And it really upset me, especially because I've been like revisiting all your work, that like this... that this thing could overshadow like what is so beloved about you.

Well, I mean, on one hand, you say to yourself, you say, carry for the rest of your life.

I don't really carry anything for the rest of my life, meaning do I feel overwhelmed and pained by the suffering and the tragedy of what happened? Yes. But do I feel responsible? No.
No.

Because what happened was, we remember, they decided to leapfrog over or pole vault over the whole idea that in the previous several days we were doing the film, we did a protocol that we did the same thing and nobody came up to me in my shooting in the film.

You don't know what to do. But I just want to say, because you did bring it up, one, two, three, four, five days, no one came up to me and said, hey, let's do it this way.

It was only after the fact that they said, oh, we're supposed to do it this way. But let me just close.
I don't want to. But I want to end it upon that.

But let me just say this thing, which is that having my kids and having all these children, I'm 67 years old, I got a three-year-old baby.

So I got a lot of kids at home, little kids, and they saved my life.

And I'm sure the same is true with you, which is that you get to the point where, I mean, I'm older now, but when you get to the point where you think less about where you get love than where you give love, one of the more frustrating and even painful things in life is you have nobody to give your love to.

You might have a lot of love to give in your heart to people. Your Your parents are gone, what have you.

And with my kids, it's like I have a lot of love to give and I have all these kids around me all day long. And I'm not really doing, I wasn't doing very much for the last three and a half years.

I was home all the time and they saved me. They saved my life to have that exchange of like love energy with these children who are all, you know, and they all make fun of me.

Like I show them pictures of me from old movies and here I am with Michael Keaton. He's an ass though.
Well, no, no, but here I am with Michael Keaton.

I had a good month. I had a strong month back back there in the 80s.
Shut the fuck up. But I had a picture of me with Michael Keaton and Gina and me and Beetlejuice.
And I go, that's me.

That's me there with the dark hair and I'm thin. Oh, yeah, the lumberjuice.
The lumberjuice.

And my kids look at them, they're like, no, no.

They booked Michael Keaton. They're like, that's you.
That's you.

No. Beetlejuice.
He's a cool guy.

He's a cool guy. What I'm saying is this, is like, you're an artist, right? And you're motivated in your craft.
You still have artistic ambitions, right? A couple.

What would you define? I want to do a play. I'm working on a play.

I don't want to get into too much detail, but I'm working on a play right now with a writer who I admire, this incredible writer who I've been friends with for years.

My admiration for him is boundless. And he is going to write a one-man show for me.
There'll be ancillary characters, maybe.

But I'm going to play the lead role in this one-man show, which is a real historical survey

of the United States post-Cold War. And it's one figure that we funneled the whole thing through.
And he's the prism of the whole thing. Who is it? And I don't want to say.
Hoover. Right, Hoover.

Right, no Hoover. No, they made it.
I don't want to play Hoover. They made Hoover.
Nixon.

No, no, Io. But anyway,

did I write Nixon or do you? Not somebody you'd be off the top of your head, you wouldn't figure out. Kissinger's got a pussy again.

The Jew was a natural spy. I can say that.

Times are run by these Jews. Yeah, yeah.
He really, he really, it was an anti-Semitic maniac, yeah. Well, it wasn't anti-Semitic.

I mean, this guy was just, his entire life, he wouldn't take no for an answer, and he just kept running for crap. I mean, you know,

the pretty boys stole the election from him, you know.

They may have. Yeah.

But he still made it to the top, and he was still kind of alone. You know, that's the thing about him.
And then

they kicked him out. For what? Spying on the other.
I'm not a Republican, but like, spying on the other guys? They have to all be doing that. McGovern needed to be spied on.

Yeah, he lost by a zillion. Let's get back to the exchange of the love energy shot.
Okay, but

When you're in bed with your girlfriend,

and Patrick, her name is Pat. Nixon, yeah, yeah.

I was gonna say,

had I escort your water dates,

I just watched her

slammed, yeah.

But the thing is, is that so you're there in the house, and maybe the time, as they say in those like,

those

Osti Spamanti commercials or whatever, like, you know, the time is right.

When do you know the time is right? When do you know she and she are going to, well, sex or love or whatever? When she lets me, she says, she signals. Yeah, she's the girl.
That's the rules, right?

Is that what it is? You don't. I can't, what, what? You know, pin her on.
I'm not going to go there. I'm a gross guy.
I want to have a girl. You follow her.
She leaves. I'm silly.
Yeah, of course.

She turns to you and she's like, let's go. I mean, that's the rule.
I mean, that's the system. Is that what you do?

I don't want to, you know, because when you do it, and she's like, ugh, I feel disgusted. You don't walk in, you have a drink and you look at it and go, get your clothes.

You know what the worst thing in the world is? Is when they're on their period, their boobs are a little bit bigger, and we forget every month, so we're like this, and then you get slapped.

I'm disgusting, yeah. And it's like, fuck, it's a symptom.
The period thing again, it's a symptom.

I fell for it again. God is laughing up there.
She wants you to take control. Touch, take my hand.
No, she's no, you go to reach for her in any curve you want to squeeze. Don't take no friends.

Shove her on the bed. Just shove her on the bed.
I

don't.

Do you think a woman? Do you think a woman?

Do you think like

if I learned how to kill someone with my bare hands, do you think I'd get more respect from my girlfriend? What is this, a Hitchcock movie? What the fuck are you doing? I just feel like if

as a man I want you to take charge of it, I'm going to say, if you don't know what I mean by this,

just take charge.

Women want you to decide where you're going to go to dinner.

Can we prank?

Can we promote her? Can we prank her right now? Yeah. She doesn't want to be on the show.

She doesn't even know that I'm sharing. She doesn't need my help.
You do. What? What am I going to do?

What am I going to force my... What? I'm going to put her in a ball gown and then do a do a

do a waltz so you're gonna walk up to her blouse you're gonna rip it open really i i think she'd yell at me for her for her shirt

get a box of shirts do it every night she stops me from getting hit by a car like at least once every two weeks it's a good system we have

take charge i don't uh

reservation you come home you have sex before anything reservation what the hell do i know from restaurants wait can i can i go

to the love thing you were saying? Yeah

You you you've lost your parents? Yeah, my parents have died.

So yeah, I lost a pair of like five years ago and who was it my mother the best It's the best the twin the best one But that's kind of what what my major takeaway was and you know it's really corny guys.

Don't just it's so embarrassing what I'm saying

It's my boy, dude, but uh you know, it's like why all the song all songs are about it and like poetry and like most movies are about about love and I think it's like the first time I ever saw like a point to anything was that our family was all together and

it kind of yeah it gave me a new appreciation I think a fun experiment for you or anybody especially because you're so young I mean I'm older yeah and my

my my garden is planted here so to speak but for you it's like remember always at least entertain the idea that your private life is exactly different from is completely different from your professional life what do you mean you're a certain way here then when you go home, you mix a drink, you rip the shirt off, you throw her on the bed.

So I do whatever you do. You should say to people on the show that I do that.
No, no, no, no. You should be who you are that's gotten you here.

Yeah, and she's like, I have cramps and stuff, and then I've already torn all the clothes, and I'm damn right, you're hard and stuff. I'm like, then I have to go to the bathroom and jerk her.

You could have left all that out. Let's cut this.
Wait, you don't curse.

You're not a.

Well, I can curse, but I'm just trying, I don't know. I'm just saying that if she has cramps or a headache and then I've done all that, then I'm like, what the heck? At least you tried.

Well, yeah, but then then there's a torn clothes and then I'm like I'm not caring about this and then I have a boner and then I have to go to the bathroom and jerk off like a loser

wait can you just good night everybody

I want to I want to just I got time for one more ask me an important question okay does it involve your boner or her what the hell what you what

I'm sorry dude I wasn't the hottest guy in the world and I did have sex with a thousand you will be go ahead why do you have a good personality? Why do you have a personality at all?

I suppose. As like a hot guy with like a, that, you know, like, why? I had to develop a personality because I thought that I would never find a wife.

So take your mind off the fact that you're not. I think that you were, you probably, like, you've probably always been great with the ladies.
And you developed, it makes me

angry. Why is a guy that looks good also funny? It's kind of artistic.
I'm not that funny. No, you're funny, bro.

You told me to do that whole thing to my girlfriend. That was hilarious.

I think you should just

take charge. I said, just take charge.

But the last thing I'll say is this, and that is that the more and more you work in this business, and the more and more you care less about the outside, so to speak.

When I was younger, dye my hair, style my hair, the clothes, the this, that. And then eventually I got seven kids, and I thought, I don't have the time for this.

You also had the chess music, too.

Yeah, that was when chess music was big. When he was a hunk, he had like.

I had surgery. I had a skin cancer tickle.
Really? I'm sorry about that. Yeah.
Yeah, thank you. I can't grow chess hair.
You don't have any hair? You don't have the low testosterone, probably?

You don't have any hair? You have any pubic hair? Oh, my balls. Yeah, yeah.
I have a lot. So when you have a boner, when she won't have sex with you, you have a boner.

It's a hairy boner or it's a hairless boner. Well, you got to trim around the bottom.
It's a dolphin or it's a... You get an extra inch, probably.
It's some shrubbery. Yeah, yeah.

That's what.

Okay,

just one last one. Yes.
Okay.

I have to ask you this, and

what do you make of the allegations that still follow you to this day concerning the boss baby's treatment of employees and the toxic work

environment and I can't comment my follow-up question is can a voice actor be held responsible for a cartoon

I'm really famous

I will honestly say that I tell people they go what's your favorite movie what do you think is the best movie you ever did and the answer is boss baby I boss baby is the perfect movie movie i love boss baby it's great i think it's great really i think i thought it's amazing better than what was the what was the company of the boss baby uh tom mcgrath was the uh uh director i love tom what were they doing though at the company where he was the boss oh uh baby core baby what

wanting people to have babies sinister wanting to have baby have babies and not pets they were making people have sex with each other well that just came with that's what the boss baby is about i gotta watch that movie yeah i think i missed it what it didn't the boss baby have a button under his desk that would lock the door?

That's not lower. Okay.

All right, I gotta go.

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