The Adam Friedland Show Retro Style Podcast – Episode 3

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Speaker 2 Thanks for it's Adam.

Speaker 2 It's Adam Fuckland Show. It's Adam Fuckland Show.
Welcome.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Fuck Nation. Fuck Nation.

Speaker 2 How you doing? Pretty good. It's a big day for me.
It's going to be a painful day for me, but

Speaker 2 sports. Oh, sports? You're going to Knicks game? No, I'm going I'm going to

Speaker 2 the old Knicks. I'm going to go watch

Speaker 2 the soccer team in London that I'm. What is balking? Balking? Yeah.
It sounds sounds like an old it sounds like jelking, like an old form of

Speaker 2 balking yourself off or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, back in the 1800s, you're like, oh, that girl's just a real Knickerbocker. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She gets with black.

Speaker 2 I mean, I didn't say it.

Speaker 2 I didn't say it. They did.
Knickerbockers are pants. I thought it was the hospital from the show.

Speaker 2 The Nick. I thought that the team was named.
I thought that hospital was real. You thought it was a real thing? I thought the whole show was real.
That show is so good.

Speaker 2 We're like the only two people that watched that show and that actively evangelized that show. It's an amazing show.
It's so good. It's really good.
I might re-watch it.

Speaker 2 I like that he was doing SNZ the whole time. Yeah.
I like that it was only one season. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Two seasons. I thought it was just one.

Speaker 2 two do I thought you said you love the show I watched it like literally it's seven years ago maybe and welcome to the latest segment of Adam's lies the Nick

Speaker 2 you like it because it's called the Nick right I thought it was for me yeah yeah that would be cool yeah I was like oh this is all gonna be about me and then I watched it and it was yeah I've always done that that's how I felt when I watched black atoms I'm in bedstead doing all kinds of crazy surgeries all day long yeah they were shooting at if you remember when I first moved to New York I was staying at Eric's that week.

Speaker 2 And they were shooting around the corner at that school.

Speaker 2 That's what they had. That was the exterior of the hospital.
Also, you know, the girl, you know, who, the girl in the Nick.

Speaker 2 Is that the Brooklyn School for Boys? Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Sounds ominous.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If it was 1880 and my parents are like, we're sending you here, I'd be like, please just send me to work in a factory.

Speaker 2 You know that nothing good happens there. Triangle shirt waist, please.
Yeah, yeah, right. Please.
Let me get burned to death by the Monopoly, man.

Speaker 2 I think Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, was that only chicks were working there? Yeah, that's why it's so cool.

Speaker 2 They couldn't handle being factory boys. They're like, oh, I'm on fire.
Do you remember when we were factory boys for a couple weeks? A day.

Speaker 2 I think it was a seasonal employment situation. No, it was a week.
It was a week. We worked on that David Yerman project

Speaker 2 at that fabrication studio. The jewels.
The jewels. Yeah, we were doing window displays

Speaker 2 for jewelry. Yeah, I'm glad I wore the sunglasses.
I'm knocked on my ass today. Why? I didn't sleep well.

Speaker 2 The cat pissed all over the bed. You got more cats now? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're like Mark Marin. Yeah.
What do you mean? I hate it when people say that.

Speaker 2 Because it's gay to have cats. And I take that back.
It's not. I don't mind being gay.
I just don't want to be my own guy. I'm not gay.
I wouldn't.

Speaker 2 I don't want to talk that way. I don't want to be me.
I want to be my own guy. But cats is just...
Come on. I want to be like an anime character.
Is that a cat thing? No, but they're their own guys.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, you want to be kind of more like. Nobody ever accuses an anime character of being a different anime character.
Yeah, they do all the time. No.

Speaker 2 No one goes to Luigi and they're like, you're just fucking, dude. This is just my own.
I don't think that's anime. You just fucking ripped off.

Speaker 2 I think there's a guy who just broke his keyboard because you couldn't get it. No one accuses Mario of Luigi of ripping off.
Do you remember that line in Akira? I've never seen it.

Speaker 2 Where he's like, you're being just like Ash Ketchum right now. Did you say that? I've never seen Akira.
You haven't seen it? No. It's like the badass.
I've never seen an anime that is good or I liked.

Speaker 2 Neither have I. It's for babies.
It's cartoons. Yeah.
A Akira is cool. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's it about? It's the one anime that everyone sees.

Speaker 2 It's, I don't know, some guy like, you know, then they go Super Saiyan and they're fighting and he's got a motorcycle. I think I have an ear infection also.
Why? From swimming? My ear hurts. Really?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are your plans for the the summer, Nick? I don't know. I'll go to the ear doctor.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get my ear checked out. Nice.
Now I can't hear out of it.

Speaker 2 You always have ailments.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's life.

Speaker 2 When I moved here... It felt okay and then I stuck my finger in there and now it hurts.
Yeah, if you pierce your eardrum? No, I just stuck my finger in there, but it's so itchy.

Speaker 2 Is it true that boxing one's ears means that you like cup, you take take two cups and you smack it and both eardrums explode? And then they're deaf.

Speaker 2 When they're deaf, that's what knickerboxing is. That's what they used to do in the 1800s.
Yeah. That was a job you could have is going around.
That was like the number one New York pastime.

Speaker 2 It was going around deafening people. I wish I went to school in the time when

Speaker 2 if you were acting naughty, they made you wear the hat. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The dunce cap.

Speaker 2 We should bring that back, but it should be a goofy hat from Disney World. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Then those bad boys will really learn.

Speaker 2 Oh, you want to act out in class? Well, now you're a fucking goofy, the dog. Now you're a goofy.
Now you're uh.

Speaker 2 I think I might, I think I might have like an infection or something. In your ear? Yeah, I'm feeling like feverish now and dizzy.

Speaker 2 I might throw it. Let me feel your cap cube.

Speaker 2 You might be a little warm. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 2 Alright, rectal. Get a rip.
Rectal? Well, that's how you get the most accurate temperature.

Speaker 2 Can you just read... I don't want to pull my ass.

Speaker 2 You literally have Plumber's crack right now. I mean, we're thinking.
I'm going to take your finger in my finger.

Speaker 2 What do you mean you won't respond? Apple Watch is talking now? Stay out of this. This is our thing.
It always listens in at the most embarrassing moments.

Speaker 2 It's so embarrassing that Apple Watch heard us talking about

Speaker 2 that I was going to put I was going to figure out. This gets sent to a guy at Apple, and he's like, oh,

Speaker 2 they're not going to believe this.

Speaker 2 A couple of nights ago,

Speaker 2 Stephen and I were very drunk, and he said, I think I have a tumor. He's like, can you check it out? And then he pulled his pants down and he made me feel his ass cheek.
And I was like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Maybe you should have. I was like poking around his ass.
He's like, not there, not there. And I'm like, literally

Speaker 2 grabbing his ass. And then I was like, oh, I guess I feel it.

Speaker 2 And he's like, so what do you think? And I was like, I don't know, go to a doctor.

Speaker 2 And literally no one is. Was it for real or or is it just tricking him and touching his ass?

Speaker 2 Either way, it's fine, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Dave, can you do me a favor and bring me the Q-tips? Yeah. Thank you.
Just

Speaker 2 give me a glass of water, too?

Speaker 2 Two glasses of water and all of the Q-tips.

Speaker 2 Okay. So interesting development.
And can you get me, Dave, can you get me uh

Speaker 2 my special my special pills?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You got pills? Yeah, quailutes. Are you getting any quailudes? No, you can't find them anymore.
Oh, they stopped making them? I've always wanted to.

Speaker 2 Because they sound cool in movies. In the 1970s, everyone was on the lewds in movies.
That was like a big joke. They'd be like, what do you want?

Speaker 2 Like in Woody Allen movies, they'd be like, what do you want? Luds?

Speaker 2 But they stopped making them.

Speaker 2 And apparently in South Africa, they still have them. I should have found lewds when I was there visiting my grandmother.
Yeah, I feel like I need to get back in bed. Really?

Speaker 2 It's filled with cat piss.

Speaker 2 So So what are you gonna do? I don't know. You're gonna go back to the couch? Yeah.
After your whole thing of actually getting in bed for the first time in your adult life.

Speaker 2 No, I got two sets of sheets. It'll be fine.
And the mattress protector. Oh my god, Dave, you're fabulous.
That's insane to me. I don't care.

Speaker 2 She probably doesn't want us discussing it on the show, but I'm going to say it anyways. You know, Dasha bought a $17,000 mattress? A Hastings? She bought a $17,000 mattress.
Drake has one of those.

Speaker 2 Drake has the half a million dollar one. Well, she told me she bought it.
And then it's also like,

Speaker 2 it's like a full-size bed. It's not a queen? No.
She got like a twin bed, a $17,000 twin mattress. Dude.
And then and then she told me she doesn't use a mattress protector.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, I'm like, you're insane. So she just smokes crack on a raw $17,000 mattress? Yeah.
Oh, there you go. See? There's stuff coming out of there.

Speaker 2 Dave, can we get close on the stuff coming out of my ear? What? It's white. Isn't it supposed to be yellow? I think it's white if you have an infection.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dave? White blood cells. Dave?

Speaker 2 Can you get one of those old school doctors that comes to you to arrive by the end of this episode? With a purse? Yeah, with the purse. The purse.
For Nick? The shiny thing on his head?

Speaker 2 Yeah, can you get with the metal thing on his head? Yeah, get the guy from the Nick. This really hurts.
Don't do it, dude.

Speaker 2 It's apparently not good. What, Q-tipping? I mean, it feels good, but then you, like, push shit more in.
You know what used to be my spa day?

Speaker 2 Is going to urgent care and asking them to put put stool softener in my ears?

Speaker 2 They'll just do that?

Speaker 2 Yeah. They'll fucking, they,

Speaker 2 they'll, uh, because my ears would get, I guess I get ear allergies, so I don't really get congested, but my ears fill up with wax.

Speaker 2 And you can go and they, uh, they lay you on your side and they fill your ear with like uh like warm water and sometimes like a dish soap or something and stool softener.

Speaker 2 And then uh they just sit in there for like 15 minutes in the dark and then they come back out and then they like flush it out and they use tweezers and sometimes they'll pull like a fucking like this big tube of wax out of your mouth.

Speaker 2 Like a nugget. Like a big like gold nugget.
Right. And then I eat it.
It's good for you. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm like I would like to eat it, please.
It's kind of like a alpha male. Did you text us? Huh?

Speaker 2 Dave? No, no, no, no. DM?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. It's not Dave.
I thought Dave was gonna say, Adam, your penis is out or something.

Speaker 2 I keep my penis tucked for the show, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, tucker penis.
Tucker penis ten. That's the thing, is like, I've probably said it before, but that's why he's probably so anti-trans.

Speaker 2 Because his name is Tucker. Yeah.
Now, I asked, I did Lewis's show yesterday.

Speaker 2 The Real Ass podcast? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did he name you Real Ask Guy of the Week? No. No, I think I did pretty bad.
I don't think I can riff anymore. It's weird being on a show like that, which I haven't done in a while,

Speaker 2 where there's like a pressure to like,

Speaker 2 because we've done this thing, which is just so

Speaker 2 lazy and on drugs.

Speaker 2 We're not on drugs. I don't know why people think we're on drugs.
No, they're really going to think we're on drugs. Because we're defending it?

Speaker 2 I'm not on drugs. Yeah, yeah.
No, that's how you know somebody's. I'm on a 24-hour Claritin D, though.
The one you have to sign your name for because you can make meth out of it. Walter White.

Speaker 2 You see a Jewish girl with big tits. You're like, there's a pair of Claritin double D's over there.
I like that. I like that.

Speaker 2 See, now you're back. That was a a riff.
I guess. That was a good riff.

Speaker 2 Oh man, I can feel it. Yeah, there's like a huge...

Speaker 2 There's a huge chunk in there. Let's see.
Dave, does this pick up?

Speaker 2 If I put this in my ear, can you hear this?

Speaker 2 It's the ocean.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Gross. Can you hear that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Disgusting.

Speaker 2 Okay, remember who signs your checks, okay? Show a little respect. Did you just lick your wax? I'm eating it.
No, you do it for real? I thought that was a bit.

Speaker 2 No. You don't have to demean yourself for the audience like that by eating.

Speaker 2 I mean, I guess it's like an Andrew Tate thing, but. Oh, it is.
It's like a I eat raw liver.

Speaker 2 Well, it's like eating your own boogers and boogers. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the new alpha thing. Well, eating boogers? Well, yeah.
I mean, that's why girls are like, that's gross, because it's irresistible to them. Oh, because it's like the pheromones or some shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Yeah, there's a huge chunk in there.
Oh, Nick, what are you?

Speaker 2 Come on man. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I got a big day for me today. It's going to be a really sad day.

Speaker 2 I'm watching the sports thing

Speaker 2 at 3.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Eat it.
Try it. I'm not going to do that.
Just try it.

Speaker 2 Just turned 36. Just try it.
I'm telling me it's not not good.

Speaker 2 Just do it. Eat it.

Speaker 2 Just eat it.

Speaker 2 No, don't just eat it, please.

Speaker 2 Please.

Speaker 2 Would you please just eat it, please?

Speaker 2 My ear really hurts.

Speaker 2 Will make you feel better? Yes. I mean, it's not that much.
Yeah, just eat it.

Speaker 2 Nick, it's really fucking disgusting. Look, we're not going to turn this into a whole thing.
Either you can eat the ear wax

Speaker 2 or not. We can move on.
It's fine. I'm not going to demand anything of you.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to guilt trip you either. I feel like you already are.
No, it's fine. Now it feels like it's spreading.

Speaker 2 What is? Now you're holding your nose? But it's earwax in there. It's not boogers.
It's fine. You get earwax in your nose? It's the same tube.
I'll do it if you want me to.

Speaker 2 I would like it if you ate the earwax. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I'm like literally getting paid a dollar to eat to eat

Speaker 2 in the cafeteria

Speaker 2 it would mean a lot to me if you ate the ear wax

Speaker 2 please you mean that please

Speaker 2 thank you

Speaker 2 So you're going to the Knicks, okay?

Speaker 2 I didn't eat it. That was a trick.

Speaker 2 What am I doing with my lunch?

Speaker 2 I thought it was a serious talk show.

Speaker 2 This is the retro style podcast. Yeah, I know.
It feels better.

Speaker 2 It feels a lot better. It takes all the pressure off.
We can just have a nice, easy podcast, talk about,

Speaker 2 and then

Speaker 2 this. By the way, folks, we have

Speaker 2 a couple things. This weekend, I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon, eating boogers and earwax

Speaker 2 at Helium Comedy Club. Read my dates too.

Speaker 2 Thursday, the, what is it? Let me see. Thursday, the

Speaker 2 27th. Tomorrow, Thursday, the 27th till the 29th, I'll be at Helium Comedy Club.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 also,

Speaker 2 I will be

Speaker 2 fuck I was fucking fuck this up in San Jose May 18th 19th and 20th in Austin Texas June 1st 2nd and 3rd and then Nick we're talking mole.dog mole dot dog slash live dash shows

Speaker 2 that's a really easy URL to remember it is mull dog lodge Nick will be May 12th through 13th at the Pittsburgh Improv Grey Club 19th in Charleston South Kakalaka with and that's with that that's the big that's the big tour.

Speaker 2 The arena. The Coliseum with people.
They're playing arenas. Big Jay Okerson.
Well, I'm just coming with, basically.

Speaker 2 It should be a fun show. You're like the Roadie.
Yeah, we're doing a blue-collar comedy tour sort of thing. Oh, nice.
We all do sets,

Speaker 2 then afterwards, we go to Victoria's Secret in the Mall. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then Larry the Cable Guy buys a fart machine at Spencer's and goes around pranking people who have no reaction to the fart machine whatsoever. Have you ever seen that?

Speaker 2 It's so funny. Just him being like, oh, that thing looking mad.
I really want to watch it.

Speaker 2 He's going around and he's like pretending to fart, and people are just like, they have like 10 people, and none of them react in any way. None of them are like gross.
They're just staring at him.

Speaker 2 We'll watch videos later. Dude, when you search Larry the Cable Guy fart, there is so much content on the internet.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 From his album, The Jacksonville Fart Contest. Yeah.

Speaker 2 1997. But I tell you what, I would trade it all to be that guy.
Is it a menage of toilet if you're making love to your girlfriend and the dog licks your butthole with happy menage

Speaker 2 off?

Speaker 2 I ain't done that. I'm just asking if it would be.

Speaker 2 I ain't done that.

Speaker 2 I'm just asking there.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Larry, it would be a Marmaduke

Speaker 2 artois. Dude,

Speaker 2 his album is called Salutations and Flatulations. That's awesome.
That's awesome. That's a really good name.

Speaker 2 Salutations and Gratulations.

Speaker 2 Walking farts? A lot of people have done that, but I'm sorry, Larry. I'm sorry, Dan.

Speaker 2 Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector, Fart Scene.

Speaker 2 Larry the Cable Guy,

Speaker 2 Salutations and Flatulations, Full. How about Jared the Subway guy? I graduated from the academy.
Really want to get out in the field and prop.

Speaker 2 Jared the Subway guy.

Speaker 2 You ever fart so hard your back cracks?

Speaker 2 Oh man, I gotta get out of here. Good.
Lord Jesus. And Dale Earnhardt Jr., I am the dad's gone ticking time bomb.

Speaker 2 I can't see what's going on. That was an entire scene of a movie.

Speaker 2 Larry the cable guy, health inspector. How about Jared the Subway Guy? Okay.

Speaker 2 He's like, you ever eat a sandwich? Yeah. You ever have a sandwich before? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You ever have so many sandwiches that you fucking your pants get bigger?

Speaker 2 Get her

Speaker 2 child. Get her underage.

Speaker 2 Get her sweet onion chicken or teriyaki.

Speaker 2 Get her $5.

Speaker 2 Get her veggie delight.

Speaker 2 Jared the subway guy. That's pretty good.

Speaker 2 My ear just keeps hurting more and more.

Speaker 2 How are we going to get your mind off it? I thought if I ate your... No, it's alright.
We'll just keep doing this. I'll go to urgent care after and I'll get my ear spa treatment done.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, it would be amazing. You know what you should do? You should bring your ears.
I really shouldn't have stuck my finger in there. I knew this would happen.
I told you.

Speaker 2 But you didn't tell me before I did it. Oh, it's so itchy.

Speaker 2 You know what would be good is if you go to urgent care and they're doing the...

Speaker 2 Stop seeing.

Speaker 2 Continue. I'm listening.
I have the other ear. I can hear you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you bring your own cucumbers. To go to urgent care? Yeah, you put them over your eyes while they're

Speaker 2 flushing your ears out. I thought you meant like an entire day at the spa.
Yeah. I thought you meant an entire cucumber.

Speaker 2 Prepare with the earwax. No, you put on like a cream face.
You put the ear wax on a cucumber and then.

Speaker 2 No, that's disgusting. They pull it out of my ear.
I'm like, do you have any rosemary and olive oil triscuits? No one would eat cucumber. What do you mean no one would eat cucumber? I mean an earwax.

Speaker 2 What? Why?

Speaker 2 Because it's nasty to do that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can't believe I did that. So,

Speaker 2 Chat GPT is in the news. So

Speaker 2 it's really blown up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so

Speaker 2 people think that 50% of jobs are going to be eliminated

Speaker 2 because of this.

Speaker 2 I don't buy it.

Speaker 2 I think people are going to reject this thing.

Speaker 2 I think people are going to rise up and they're going to reject this thing.

Speaker 2 I think they're going to say no more.

Speaker 2 People are going to say, we've had enough.

Speaker 2 They're going to say, we had enough.

Speaker 2 We've had enough. And they're going to say, no more.

Speaker 2 No more.

Speaker 2 That's the bottom line. I actually have a confession to make.
I know I talk about my girlfriend a lot on the show, but I've been dating ChatGPT. You have

Speaker 2 isn't ChatGPT a guy? No, it's a chick. Oh, is it? It's like Siri? Well

Speaker 2 recently found out last night she's cheating on what's the deal with Richard Millhouse Nixon?

Speaker 2 Simpsons. Right.
That's always seemed weird to me. Yeah.
Was this guy was I would if you told me that there was never a president and they made him up for the Simpsons.

Speaker 2 I'd believe it.

Speaker 2 Sorry,

Speaker 2 it does hurt a lot. So I recently found out that um chat

Speaker 2 with who?

Speaker 2 With um

Speaker 2 with a black guy named Chat GPT.

Speaker 2 With Ask Jeeves. With Ask Jeeves.
A British

Speaker 2 British interloper. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ask Jeeves was the original chat GPT club. Yeah.
Yeah. British guy who would answer all of your questions.
Only Jeeves.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This podcast has become body horror.

Speaker 2 It's like David Cronenberg podcast. My head feels like it's swelling right now.

Speaker 2 I just kind of want to get back to the Mario and Luigi thing. That was my big...

Speaker 2 So what was it that... No one accuses Luigi of copying Mario.
Well, they have the same outfit, just a different color. I know, but no one ever points that out.

Speaker 2 They have the first letter on their name on their hat. Nobody's like, this guy's just ripping off Mario.
Well, I would assume that they're brothers. Okay.
Wario. What? Wario.

Speaker 2 Cousin. They're not cousins.
How do you know?

Speaker 2 There's the only other guys that live in that town

Speaker 2 of mushroom people. Are there other guys in that

Speaker 2 world? No. The women are all normal people.
Hot chicks. Yeah.
Princesses. The men are all a different race, it seems, almost.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but the women are all like cheating and then acting like accusing Bowser of kidnapping and raping them, but clearly just getting piped down by Bowser. I was like, why didn't you call the police?

Speaker 2 And she's like,

Speaker 2 I don't want to cause any trouble. They would make me...

Speaker 2 My entire sexual history would become a matter of public record. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, is that what you heard on murder, she wrote? Yeah.
That's not the way the real world works.

Speaker 2 Clearly, she was just going to Bowser's fucking spooky castle

Speaker 2 and just getting absolutely rammed out. Yeah.
When was the the last time you had string cheese?

Speaker 2 This weekend. Really? Yeah.
Did you hadn't had it in a couple years? Have you ever seen somebody, and no one's ever talked about this on a podcast before, bite the whole thing? It pisses me off.

Speaker 2 It's infuriating. Yeah.
It's really fucked up. It's disgusting.
You got to eat it like earwax. Cole off.
But you know what? I don't buy that. I think it's for attention.
What?

Speaker 2 I think people do that to be like... It's like the kind of people that say, oh, actually opening the banana.
Look at me, everyone.

Speaker 2 Me, everyone. I'm the cheese bastard.
Yeah, yeah. I don't play by your fucking rule.
I'm the joker. I just eat cheese.

Speaker 2 What was that you said about bananas? It's like people that open a banana from the top. You know the people that are like, actually, the right way to open a banana is from the bottom? No.

Speaker 2 How can you even do that? I don't know. The apes do it, apparently.
No, they don't. If you've watched the ape,

Speaker 2 and nobody fact-checked me on this, but

Speaker 2 the first time I saw a monkey eat a banana, I was so excited. I'm like, oh,

Speaker 2 we're watching History in the Making.

Speaker 2 They don't peel it. They just fucking squeeze it like a toothpaste tube.
And then they just lick where the banana has

Speaker 2 come out of the tube.

Speaker 2 They really are stupid.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, I mean, like, I don't like to be racist to other

Speaker 2 people,

Speaker 2 but I'm racist to pretty much every animal. Yeah, not all of them.
Some of them are cool. No.
We are the sickest ones. Yeah.
We're so sick. And this is going to be an extremely racist thing to say.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm...

Speaker 2 People talk about racism towards other people in your race, but what about... Do you think?

Speaker 2 The human race. So, well, you know how octopuses.

Speaker 2 What other race is good? Octopuses are their own type of intelligence. Right, that's what they say, but they're like...
down there being nasty, not having bones.

Speaker 2 No, they're just like collecting stuff.

Speaker 2 Like fucking, ooh, what's that, a Funko Pop? Yeah, they just love getting things and bringing it to their beak.

Speaker 2 But yeah, their whole brain, their whole body is a brain. The whole thing is like, there's no, I guess, central nervous system.

Speaker 2 But they are smart. You know, they can like climb on boats and go into where they keep the crabs and things like that.
Yeah, they're super intelligent. They have feelings and stuff, they say.

Speaker 2 But we don't understand it. Their intelligence

Speaker 2 evolves so separately from ours that it's like a different kind of intelligence.

Speaker 2 Now, the racist part.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I know this guy is French. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're one of the dumbest animals alive. No, but he's human race.
I bang with him because he's human. Oh, okay.
Yeah. My new thing is that

Speaker 2 I'm a human supremacist. Why are they all burning down Paris right now? Because they have to work one more hour a week or something?

Speaker 2 They love protests there.

Speaker 2 Yeah. When I was there, they were having the.
Yeah, how about why didn't you protest the Nazis?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they did. That's the one time.
Oh, well, that's the one time they didn't. Actually, maybe this time Paris isn't burning.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the one time they weren't like, liberté fraternity.

Speaker 2 Finally, people gayer than us.

Speaker 2 Finally, there are gayer people in France.

Speaker 2 Just Nazis coming through.

Speaker 2 We won.

Speaker 2 We won the world.

Speaker 2 The one concession where we will give up all the land and not be the gayest people. We are the second gayest.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 he, I guess his parents have like a vacation house like

Speaker 2 by the whatever Mediterranean or something and he invited some of some other folks there and he's like he was telling them this story like he's like every morning I go out with

Speaker 2 a harpoon and I hunt the octopus, and then we have fresh octopus for dinner. And so, they like were on a boat, and he like dove and he like had a harpoon.

Speaker 2 He just comes back in, there's an octopus wrapped around his head. He's like, Help me! The octopus has gotten me! He shot at me.
Apparently, he shot me at the octopus,

Speaker 2 he was having his way with my skull.

Speaker 2 Apparently,

Speaker 2 he shot the octopus, and then he like resurfaces out of the water. He's like, guys, I am a liar.
I have never done this before.

Speaker 2 I am a liar. He's like crying and then he has this like...
He just rides away on a unicycle. So like because of like their brain is like all over something, it takes forever to kill them.

Speaker 2 So he has this like octopus on a harpoon and then like these like

Speaker 2 these four lads. Where the hell am I Funko pops?

Speaker 2 Apparently they were just French bastards.

Speaker 2 They beat the octopus against a rock because it like wouldn't die.

Speaker 2 And they were like, this is the, it was like, like they committed murder. It was like the most brutal thing they'd ever done.
But like at that point they wanted to take it out of it.

Speaker 2 Well, that's how I felt when I came in here and this baby mice attached to a fucking glue trap.

Speaker 2 And I text you about it and you're like, just throw it in the garbage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's an asshole. I mean, not the,

Speaker 2 no comparison. All right, let's reopen the mouse issue.
Well, not that much. The Holocaust.
You were going to be... The Holocaust.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. Hmm.
Nice move. Even Even the Nazis were like, let's figure out the most efficient and fastest way to do this.
Yeah. Okay.
They weren't like, let's just put glue traps down in Poland.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you can't.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 2 The bank's only going to be open for another two hours.

Speaker 2 Shut up. Okay.

Speaker 2 This is very funny.

Speaker 2 This is horrible. Somebody help.
This is horrible. I'm ripping my skin off.

Speaker 2 This is horrible.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. It's so funny.
And then his wife's like, Mort, just let go of your wallet. I've always thought about who the first one is.
The joke being he would be free. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was stuck.

Speaker 2 I'm trapped.

Speaker 2 His entire body is free.

Speaker 2 Mort, just let go of the wallet. No!

Speaker 2 It's very funny.

Speaker 2 It's anti-Semitic.

Speaker 2 I've always thought about who the first guy was to die in the Holocaust.

Speaker 2 Like the guy that was waiting in line for the train and just being like, hey, how long is this? Yeah. Well, that's how I feel.

Speaker 2 I probably brought it up before, but remember how when the vaccines came out? Yeah. And they had the vaccine cards and then people started faking the vaccine cards?

Speaker 2 There were like two or three people that got arrested

Speaker 2 for using fake vaccine cards. And they had to have thought.
They're like, we're all in this together. I'm the first martyr, but they can't stop thousands of us.

Speaker 2 Like the I'm Spartacus, and then no one else is. Yeah, and they're just the only morons that fucking made it out of crayon.
Exactly. You know, like the

Speaker 2 here's my vaccine card for you.

Speaker 2 You gotta feel like the dumbest motherfucker in the world. Yeah, those cards had to have been so sloppy.
Yeah, really bad. They had to have been really

Speaker 2 misspelled. He misspelled his own name.
Yeah. It just says Dr.
Fauci on the top.

Speaker 2 Prescription from Dr. Fauci one vaccine for the fake virus.
Yeah, yeah. And they're handing that over at the airport.

Speaker 2 One ticket to Disneyland. One ticket to Guantanamo, one more like it, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What happened to Gitmo? They still got boys down there? Yeah. Yeah, they're still dressing them up like witches and making them wear the dunce cap.

Speaker 2 I think that was at Abu Khir Khirab. Abu Khirab.
Abu Ghraib. Abu Ghraib.

Speaker 2 Rude of them to name it.

Speaker 2 Give it. We think we talked about this on the show before who cares?

Speaker 2 Well, not rude, it's just very funny to open up a CIA black site torture prison and then be like, let's call this the Ronald Reagan CIA. They're like, well, it's disrespectful local culture.

Speaker 2 We're going to keep the name. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We don't want to erase anybody's culture when we're in here. Torturing.
Fucking putting a car battery up someone's ass. I remember it's early.

Speaker 2 Like, because you know, we were kids when those pictures came out. But I remember there was a girl soldier that had, like, a cigarette in her mouth and she was like pointing at a guy's dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what's her name? And I was like, oh, I didn't know girls were.

Speaker 2 Lindy West. Yeah.
I didn't know girls were mean also. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, they're probably the worst.
Yeah, I didn't know girl soldiers also do the torture. Now I have to pee also.

Speaker 2 How far are we into this crap? We're like 11 minutes in, dude.

Speaker 2 32 minutes.

Speaker 2 We're good. We're good.
We're doing fine. I can hold it for another Ian finances.

Speaker 2 Don't you don't need to respond to Ian. There's no way it's urgent.
Hey, dude, just thinking about you. Yeah, he said,

Speaker 2 dude, I'm literally

Speaker 2 on the train crying,

Speaker 2 remembering when you called me Chuck E. Cheese Man.

Speaker 2 Literally, that's always it. Yeah.
You'll never get an urgent text from Ian. It's kind of nice.
That was a nice text. Yeah.
It was funny when I said that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Ian lives in a perpetual state of emergency.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So.

Speaker 2 What do you think is brain? Every time, the he'll text you at 2 a.m. Like, just having a cheese wheel.
Wish you were here with me. Is his brain?

Speaker 2 I'm having a couple of baby bells, and I thought it would be great if you could peel the wax off one of them. His brain is probably like Toontown from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 As opposed to Toontown from what? Star Wars, Adam?

Speaker 2 As opposed to.

Speaker 2 That was actually called the Cantina. As opposed to a different.
Tonshot first. As opposed to a different Toontown.

Speaker 2 Was that supposed to be like a

Speaker 2 racist pun? What, Toontown? Yeah.

Speaker 2 100%, yeah. Yeah.
Well, the movie. Where the blacks live.
The movie, well, the Chinese.

Speaker 2 Who Framed Rogers Rabbit is just Chinatown? Yeah, it's a noir. Yeah.
We've discussed those at great length. But it is Chinatown.
Like, the plot of the movie is Chinatown. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You hear they're rebooting it, but they're making Jessica Rabbit

Speaker 2 less sexy. Oh, really? No.
Lizzo's playing Jessica Rabbit.

Speaker 2 She's just completely naked the entire movie.

Speaker 2 She never has anything. And all the cartoons are like, ah woo!

Speaker 2 She's wearing crocs and she's

Speaker 2 wearing crocs and a helmet and then the rest of it.

Speaker 2 It's a helmet with a tiny dress

Speaker 2 painted on the front.

Speaker 2 Lizzo looks stunning in the new Roger Rabbit movie. Lizzo stuns.
Stuns. As Jessica Rabbit.

Speaker 2 Come on, Roger.

Speaker 2 I love that movie. So good.
I recently re-watched the Wallace and Grommet, at least the first two. You love Wallace and Gromit.
I love Wallace and Grommet. It's so funny.
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 2 It's really fucking funny. You like it because he's such a loser? Is that right? Well, it's funny.
It is funny. Yeah.
Yeah. There's a lot of really funny stuff in there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like when Grommet's Gromit's sitting downstairs. Let's recap Wallace and Gromit.
When Gromit is sitting downstairs reading the newspaper, or maybe he's going through the mail.

Speaker 2 I think it's the one where it's his birthday.

Speaker 2 And he's going through the mail. And then a buzzer goes off, like aunt, aunt and you know, a light on the wall, right? To imply that Wallace is ready for breakfast.
And then it cuts to Wallace in bed.

Speaker 2 And, you know, there's a buzzer going off. So you would think that he hit a button that made the buzzer go off.
But then we see Wallace in bed and he's just pressing the button.

Speaker 2 Like he's keeping the tempo of the,

Speaker 2 so he's just annoying.

Speaker 2 He's annoying. He's annoying.
It would already be annoying if he just was demanding, hit a service button and a buzzer went off, but that he's fucking pressing it over.

Speaker 2 That just makes me fucking howl. You like it that the dog has the power.
The dog doesn't really have the power. And then the line is: he goes, it's your turn for breakfast today, Grommet.

Speaker 2 Because they're poor.

Speaker 2 Implying that they take turns fucking pulling a lever that puts his clothes on for him

Speaker 2 and seats him at the you know the breakfast table. That was very funny.
Yeah, it was good. Yeah, he's just the laziest guy in the world.
Where'd you get that lucky strike hat?

Speaker 2 Somebody brought it to a show. And also, I'm devastated, but I was at the Milwaukee Improv this weekend.
It was a lot of fun. Very nice people.
Very nice people in Milwaukee.

Speaker 2 When I was in Milwaukee, I remember the crowd was really nice. Yeah, very nice people.
And some guy brought me a coal miner's wife hat, which I had that you shit on. I didn't shit, I vomited all.

Speaker 2 He threw up all over it, whatever, and I lost that hat, and he heard that and he brought me the hat and I was like, oh, I got, that's so sweet, thank you.

Speaker 2 And then I went into the office to settle up with the manager and I left it on the, I fucking forgot it on the

Speaker 2 coffee table.

Speaker 2 So I lost that hat. I lost my hat last weekend I was on the road too.
I lost my Yankee fit. Yeah, somebody brought me this.
I got to get a freshie.

Speaker 2 This Lucky Strike bucket hat. Sick, dude, SIGs? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's nice. I'll wear literally any clothes anybody brings me, I'll wear.
Yeah. Yeah.
If I don't forget them at the club. That Bart Simpson, the black Bart shirt I have.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Some girl in Chicago just brought that to the show. Yeah, I was...
I remember seeing you wear it for the first time. I'm like, that's peculiar.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's one of four of five shirts I own. I think you have four shirts.
Yeah, four shirts. You have the Gion Famous Foods.
Yeah, which I'm wearing right now.

Speaker 2 You have that. I have this one.
You have a comedy knockout. To cut another free item.
Another free shirt.

Speaker 2 From a true TV show that you wrote on. And people used to make fun of me at work for wearing the shirt that they're like, you're wearing the band t-shirt?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm wearing the band t-shirt, but it's like, yeah, I'm wearing the free clothes. I'm eating all the fucking goddamn candy in the break room.
I'm doing zero work.

Speaker 2 It's like, look, you guys don't hire black people here, so I'm going to be the black guy at the show.

Speaker 2 Somebody has to be. I don't know if that's going to be.

Speaker 2 I think it's an attempt at making a

Speaker 2 moke point.

Speaker 2 That's the best.

Speaker 2 Is that form of

Speaker 2 all is somebody that's trying to do the right thing and they end up making everything worse. Dolzo.
What's that? Dolezo. Yes.

Speaker 2 She is,

Speaker 2 it was the perfect troll.

Speaker 2 And she wasn't trying to troll.

Speaker 2 She was also like, she was working for the NAACP. She was trying to like help people.
Yeah. I mean, honestly, it's like

Speaker 2 the ultimate move for her,

Speaker 2 she can't sell the calendars anymore and the hair braiding business dries out. is to get some, to do 60-minute interview.
Actually, I'm Chinese.

Speaker 2 Actually, I'm Chinese. She transitions.

Speaker 2 I thought thought I was black, but it turns out I'm Chinese.

Speaker 2 That's the move. Yeah.
Or Italian. Honestly, that would be the best.
She probably is. Just her on 60 Minutes, and she's got an accordion and a little monkey on her shoulder.

Speaker 2 She's like, I've figured out who I was the whole time. I'm so sorry to the blacks.
Yeah. I was confused.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, we've said it before, but the best thing about that troll, the best troll is something that pisses off both sides.

Speaker 2 I'm reusing the joke, but I called a lady R Rachel Dolasagna on Twitter one time, because it was an Italian lady. That's good.
Yeah, describing herself as POC.

Speaker 2 That's good. Yeah.
Dolasagna. Rachel Dolasagna.
That's pretty good. And she was very mad.
And she had mutual friends, I heard about it. Yeah.
Through mutual friends.

Speaker 2 You used to be really like, you used to really be good at driving women insane on them. Now I'm good at nothing.
No, no, but that

Speaker 2 when that was your focus, too many ear infections. When you were going at fucking not that

Speaker 2 sadie with the Dr. Evil meme,

Speaker 2 oh, I didn't think it was gonna be that big of a deal. That was one of the funniest things of all time.

Speaker 2 Just a picture of Dr. Evil and said, Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 Just continuously posting Dr. Evil meme.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude, that is,

Speaker 2 you know, it's nice to look back and just be like,

Speaker 2 those were good days. Yeah.
What are you having for lunch after this? What are you thinking? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Brian's going to come by and then we're going to go watch Arsenal. That's fun.
How's Brian doing? He's good. He just got back from Europe.
He's going to come by here. Oh, good.
You'll see him. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I might have to run over to Urgent Care pretty quick. Oh, Brian and I can go with you.
All right. He can DJ.
You guys can carry me in. Dude, he told me the funniest thing.

Speaker 2 I was like, what's wrong with him? Oh, his ear hurts. He told me the funniest thing when I was like, because he's the DJs.

Speaker 2 So I was like, yeah, I feel like

Speaker 2 sometimes you go to a club, like the Saturday late show,

Speaker 2 you know, it gets unruly. And then you're like, am I just like an activity? Like,

Speaker 2 are they choosing between this and mini golf? And I'm telling myself it's art? Yes. Am I just like entertaining drunk people? Yes.
And then he goes, well.

Speaker 2 He's like, well, I'm playing the soundtrack for drug overdoses and sexual assault. So So I guess it's probably not as bad as that.
That's not a very high bar to set, though. He's

Speaker 2 placing comedian higher than DJ, which is quite a bit. Well, what I'm saying is, like, oh, at the end of the day, are we just entertaining drunk people? He's like, well,

Speaker 2 what he's doing,

Speaker 2 there's even worse stuff. I mean, I guess no one's getting finger popped at it.
Yeah. I got to figure out a Saturday late show.

Speaker 2 It really takes effort to go find something fun to do during the day after, especially if you do Friday, Saturday shows.

Speaker 2 Because Friday, you know, you travel in and like, you know, I don't know about you, but like, I spend the entire day thinking about it.

Speaker 2 I don't, like, not necessarily worried about the show, but like thinking about it. You know, I want to do this.
I hope it goes well. You know,

Speaker 2 and then you know, you're out late Friday, and then you wake up, what, fucking 11 a.m. Saturday?

Speaker 2 And it's like, okay, well, I have to start worrying about the show in two hours to go find something to do. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 then you walk around some random city. And then, and then, yeah, very something.
I had, honestly, I had my weekend nearly ruined in Milwaukee because I went to a restaurant.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm just guessing.
What's about to hurt? Well, there was a 45-minute wait.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You're more Jewish than I am. You're literally more Jewish than I am.
That's the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me.

Speaker 2 I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Speaker 2 And to do it on the show. You get mad at customer service.
You hate waiting. I don't get mad at customer service.

Speaker 2 I just say, well, I'll take my business.

Speaker 2 The Keurig machine.

Speaker 2 The Kurig machine. I have not spoken to customer service more.
The Keurig machine that we bought for $40 at Costco.

Speaker 2 You've made Dave go through

Speaker 2 a two-month customer return policy with the corporate headquarters of Keurig. Only one of us remembers the price.
How much was it? You, you just said it. I guessed $40.

Speaker 2 How much? $200. It wasn't $200.

Speaker 2 How much does that cost? A Keurig? The one that we got.

Speaker 2 For a Keurig? It's not even good coffee.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Keurig is really the Dyson of coffee makers. It's crap.
Yeah. No, Dyson is like tech.
Yo, Dyson sucks, dude. I got it with a V10.
The Espresso is a nicer.

Speaker 2 I got the V10 Dyson years ago because I was like, I'm going to get really into cleaning.

Speaker 2 Was that the stick? It's the stick. The stick is nice.
No, immediately this thing was a piece of shit. Really? And

Speaker 2 yeah, the like the fucking the bin like just breaks like right away. Like so it doesn't stay on when you take it off the whole thing falls into the fucking garbage.
And then

Speaker 2 like the grommet on the like, you know, I've had it five years, so it's out of warranty. The grommet on the back of the thing, that ripped off.

Speaker 2 So I had to replace the canister and the fucking actual vacuum. Just get it at Costco and then return it, dude.
Yeah, well, I didn't get it at Costco. Now I know.
But

Speaker 2 what I found out was you can just go to Dyson's website and like

Speaker 2 the actual vacuum body, it was like 70 bucks. And then the canister was in like, I paid $100 for the canister and the vacuum body.

Speaker 2 And I think I didn't price it out, but you could just go order replacement parts from Dyson and save like $200 on the actual vacuum. On like what the retailer?

Speaker 2 You can build it yourself just buying replacement parts. And it's not even building.
It's just putting two things together. Yeah, putting two screws in.
It's easy.

Speaker 2 I was shocked.

Speaker 2 And welcome back to Nick's Deal Course.

Speaker 2 You're obsessed with the Holocaust. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Much like we are.

Speaker 2 That's it? That's all you got? No, I mean, I'm not a colour. Did I save money?

Speaker 2 Did I save the money on a vacuum? You've saved money on a vacuum. And I'm obsessed with the Holocaust.
Yeah, we're obsessed with the Holocaust, too. I don't have fucking allergies.
Yes, you do.

Speaker 2 You have ear allergies, allergies, right? Yes. But not.

Speaker 2 You didn't take a clariton D like I did. Claritin.
How about Claritin Double? Oh, right. Yeah, nice.

Speaker 2 This has been a fun one for me. I don't know about the audience.
I'm having fun. I'm having a good one.
No, the audience loves it. I can imagine right now.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why do they spend all this money on a shad? The audience loves everything that we do. That's my perception of things.

Speaker 2 Is that they think, wow, you really hit it out of the park with this one again, guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 In my mind, that's every comment. Dude, the comments are so nice.
They are nice. The comments are, they really keep us going.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah. We love it.
Definitely love the feedback.

Speaker 2 The feedback is... Yeah.
Keep it coming. Yeah.
The only bad feedback around here is when

Speaker 2 fucking microphone gets too close to the speaker. That's the only kind of bad feedback we got.
That's nice.

Speaker 2 At the Adam Friedman show. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got four boxes of peanut butter puffins off the internet. I love, that's my favorite cereal.
It's everyone's favorite cereal. Okay, well, it's moving.
Don't try to personalize that.

Speaker 2 As you go to grocery store, it's always sold out. Yeah, so I love it too.
Yeah. We all love it.
Okay, everyone listened to a Christopher Nolan Batman thing. What? Remember that?

Speaker 2 Fucking in 2010, people would be like, I actually really love the Christopher Nolan Batman movie. Yeah, The Dark Knight is actually a great film.
Oh, really? You like that? Yeah. That's, wow.

Speaker 2 I've never heard anyone say that they like that movie before. So you're being, what, like a hipster right now? I'm not being a hipster.
You are being a hipster. No.
They're being hipsters.

Speaker 2 You're being a hipster. No.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 It's like me saying, I love Christmas, and you're being like, everyone loves Christmas. Everyone loves Christmas.
You can't say you love Christmas. Everyone loves Christmas.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Christmas is a great thing that everyone loves. It would be like saying, you know, Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 that was the one. Yeah.
Sir, this is a Wendy's. Sir, this is a Wendy's.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get back on. I'm going to

Speaker 2 take your Twitter back from Kyla. I'm really into, sir, this is a Wendy's.

Speaker 2 You got to be doing at replies.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You got to really bring back. I'm going to open the account Wendy's Dog,

Speaker 2 and then I'm just going to bark in people's mentions whenever they say something

Speaker 2 where you would say

Speaker 2 people speculated that the racism dog was me.

Speaker 2 Was no was that do you remember there was that like leftist account that was like I'm queer or something and it turned out that they were trying to get like

Speaker 2 nudes from like

Speaker 2 underage girls or something Bernie Sanders no not come on don't I'd love I'd really love to see your pussy

Speaker 2 Bernie Sanders in hot water this week after DM's leak.

Speaker 2 It's going to be so funny. Yeah, he sent self-facing videos.
He has to be the least least romantic guy on earth. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can't imagine him trying to

Speaker 2 lay some

Speaker 2 games. A picture of him in winter sitting and he's wearing two eight-year-olds on his hands instead of mittens.
Yeah, his hands are in there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I call these Vermont mittens.

Speaker 2 Very mints, we have a Vermont.

Speaker 2 Made in the USA Union. Talks like Yogi Bear.
Can I see the Yogi Bear?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 We should go to Yankees games this season. No, that guy was just good at saying things.
Yogi Berra? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What were his sayings? I don't know. There used to be

Speaker 2 books of them. It's like he would say all this stuff.
Let's see if they were actually good.

Speaker 2 The famous one is nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
I thought, please take my wife.

Speaker 2 Take my wife, please. No, that's Benny.

Speaker 2 Benny Johnson. Benny Johnson.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yogi Bear, and he was the

Speaker 2 catcher? He was the mascot for the New York Jews.

Speaker 2 Back when that was the name of the team.

Speaker 2 Did you catch the Jews game today? He was a bear covered in glue traps.

Speaker 2 Let's see. A brainy quote.

Speaker 2 If you don't know where you're going, you might wind up someplace else.

Speaker 2 That's kind of like what jokes used to be. Yeah.
Yeah, very dry. That's not bad, I guess.
Now we do wet jokes on the Adam Friedland show. Yeah, we do fucking jokes.
This is some wet acting.

Speaker 2 In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

Speaker 2 That's just schizophrenia. That's just, that doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, this guy just existed before they had fucking antipsychotics. It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 humid to say humidity? The most famous is the Oscar Gamble.

Speaker 2 They don't think it'd be like it is, but it do.

Speaker 2 Remember that one? Say it again? The Oscar Gamble's they don't think it'd be like it is, but it do.

Speaker 2 What it do? They don't think it... Oh, damn, now I'm getting really dizzy.

Speaker 2 They don't you're gonna be alright, dude. I'll be fine.
I know. I just need to get my ears my ears lubed.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm a robot, dude you're not dude you're you're an organic vessel that's falling apart i hate that baseball is at 90 mental the other half is physical that's funny because it's it's more than 100 yeah

Speaker 2 um when you come to a fork in the road take it

Speaker 2 sweet dude

Speaker 2 You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six. That's kind of funny.
That's a kind of fat guy. Fat guy.
I worked at both Domino's and Papa Jog's.

Speaker 2 I loved cutting the pizza. He loved it.
Yeah. Did you try to get them as even as possible? Yes.
Yeah. And you get real fast at it.
How close did you get?

Speaker 2 Almost perfect every time. Almost perfect every time.
Yeah. It is really satisfying.
As shitty as that job is, it's really satisfying when you make a perfect pizza. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is required? for it to be perfect. No bubbles.
It's even, even crust. It looks good.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And how does the, you get the dough. I told you that story about the manager, that guy

Speaker 2 who burned down his apartment complex because he fell asleep playing PlayStation. I think he did.
And then

Speaker 2 called me and the only other driver three hours after we're supposed to open to let us know that he saved his PlayStation.

Speaker 2 But that guy, really funny, a fat, fat skateboard shoe guy. Yeah, yeah.
And he would wear he would wear his pants and tuck his shirt in, but then the pants would

Speaker 2 sag them. Dickies? I think like these like fucking I mean whatever but you know

Speaker 2 if you were especially if you work inside at a pizza restaurant I think like a lot of the guys like nobody will you just have your clothes for work so they're just disgusting and wash them like once a week but they're covered in sauce and same shirt every day starting at the beginning of the day yeah

Speaker 2 and so yeah this guy was always just like kind of disgusting but you watch that guy toss out a

Speaker 2 piece of dough and it was like I mean it was like watching fucking ballet it was yeah it was insane insane one time wait so you can spin can you spin I can spin it but you know just briefly this guy I swear to god I don't know I still don't understand the physics of it he was talking to me he's like oh yeah we're gonna need you to come in and then he spins the pizza yeah right and it's spinning and then as it's spinning he takes his finger away and like a doggy paddles one edge and then like comes unbelievable yeah it comes back the center yeah and but while talking to me about some other unrelated thing he spins it he would do like a little twirl he would like twirl under the pizza also it was very graceful when he only in the context of making pizza he had these moments of like just pure beauty he's done his 10,000 hours well literally everything is art I guess you can find transcendence in anything we live in a beautiful world yeah we do a little bit

Speaker 2 you just need to know where things are you just need to look there's very humans of New York yeah yeah

Speaker 2 you remember that yeah yeah that was the biggest thing in the world for a while they loved it just a guy going up to retarded people being like so well you're retarded and you live in New New York.

Speaker 2 And they're like, yep, my parents left me on the steps of a church. And now I

Speaker 2 want me. Now I eat rats out of the garbage can outside of McDonald's.

Speaker 2 And then post to Instagram and then say, You are beautiful. Yeah.
People would come in. Yeah, right.
You are beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're not a freak that we're gawking at.

Speaker 2 Please do come to Mumbai, sweetie girl. Please let me kiss your homeless body.
Let me kiss.

Speaker 2 Please, sweetie girl. Let me have so much sex with your body.

Speaker 2 Oh, everyone's a target, right? Yeah, yeah. Everyone's a fucking target.
I'd say the target is, well, it's not a target anymore, it's a target in San Francisco.

Speaker 2 For the last monologue, Nick,

Speaker 2 he sat there for 40 minutes while he was trying to figure out a joke about how all the items in the San Francisco target are under lock and a key. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we got nothing on that one. Well, I sing it.
Lock and key, Hobbs and Shaw.

Speaker 2 Is that a San Francisco reference?

Speaker 2 No, but

Speaker 2 lock and key, Hobbs and Shaw,

Speaker 2 Sherlock, and Watson.

Speaker 2 It's maybe it's under Sherlock and Rizzolian Isles. I'd say if you really wanted black people to stop stealing those items, instead of lock and key, you should be putting it under key and peel.

Speaker 2 And then they'll respect it. That's pretty good.
Yeah, you know. I think that's that's not bad.
Lock and

Speaker 2 lock and uh pop and lock. Pop and lock.
why are they putting it under lock and key and not pop and lock yeah if it was dancing what if try to steal a razor that's dancing all over the place

Speaker 2 Our brains are decaying rapidly. Yeah, I think this ear infection has gone to my voice.
Let's go to the fucking doctor right now. No, we still got the Dave.

Speaker 2 We still have what another four and a half hours?

Speaker 2 Yeah, five. Five hours? Five hours.

Speaker 2 Five minutes?

Speaker 2 Five minutes. You know what, guys? No, no, no.
No, you got to go to the doctor. I will, but we can, there's one more topic.
What if you pass out in this next five minutes? I'm not going to pass out.

Speaker 2 Trust me, dude. You don't seem like you're doing well.
I'm fine. Trust me.
Trust me.

Speaker 2 We got another.

Speaker 2 The biggest story this week is coming to you live from yahoo.com.

Speaker 2 Yahoo News.com.

Speaker 2 Latest news and headlines. Three TSA agents hurt after unprovoked attack.

Speaker 2 And the agency said three officers were injured in an unprovoked and brazen physical attack by a passenger during a security screening at Phoenix's airport.

Speaker 2 Phoenix, one of the worst airports in the country. Is it?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'd say so.

Speaker 2 Salt Lake City, terrible airport. Three transfer TSA agents were hurt Tuesday in an unprovoked attack by a passenger at a security checkpoint.

Speaker 2 physical attacks from the police.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 A 19-year-old woman was arrested and booked without incident.

Speaker 2 400.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's no details. Okay.
So some lady beat them up.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Well, what's the big story?

Speaker 2 I'm just reading Yogi Bear's quotes.

Speaker 2 There's some really good ones.

Speaker 2 Oh, this one's good. It's like deja vu all over again.
Woman sneaks into Columbia University's surf and turf event reflects on the institution's hypocrisy and treatment of low-income students.

Speaker 2 I wish I had Cooney

Speaker 2 Suni had Columbia. I wish Cooney SUNY had Columbia money.

Speaker 2 So she didn't even go there? Yeah, she snuck in. And she got, did she get surf and turf? What was the spread like? Do they talk about it?

Speaker 2 What started off as a harmless ruse soon turned into an eye-opening look into the hypocrisy of this whole place.

Speaker 2 Yo, you know, I had an idea, Nick. Damn, look at all that fucking shrimp.
Damn. No, you missed.
Look at that. Wow.

Speaker 2 That is a good spread. That's amazing.
That is a great spread. Dude, we should go to Columbia.
We got to go to Colombia. Just for the shrimp.
You know what I was thinking?

Speaker 2 A lot of late night shows have a band.

Speaker 2 You know what we should have?

Speaker 2 A gun.

Speaker 2 No. Yes, but not.

Speaker 2 Instead of a band, we should have a spin art. Guy with a chef's hat, prime rib, carving station.
Yeah. Or just a Benny Hana chef.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we'll be back in a moment with Melissa Joan Hart.

Speaker 2 Go wide.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if we had a hibashi. Yeah, just a guy tossing shrimp all over the fucking room.
That would be great. That'd be awesome.
Just throw it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome.

Speaker 2 When I was a kid, I thought that was the coolest thing. Is there a Benny Hanna in New York? Do you want to go to that? There probably is.
Queens. Queens has everything.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're going to look it up. Peens.
Peens.

Speaker 2 They said Queens. I said, sign me up.
And then they said Peens, and I said, even bad Pens. Dude, West 56th Street.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 there's a Benny Hanna's. They got this place, Benny Hanna.
I've been there and he had a bad day and fucking threw the shrimp in my ass. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I bet he had a bad day fucking threw the ship shrimp in my ass. That's good.
Larry would say that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love Larry the Cable Guy puns. Because when you barely pronounce it, it's like how Eminem rhymes.
You just turn anything into a pun. Don't bring Eminem into this thing.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 he's operating on a higher.

Speaker 2 He's not like Larry the Cable Guy.

Speaker 2 Marshall the Black Guy? Marshall the. Yeah, the Black Guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We have Eminem coming on the show. We should retract that yeah i don't want to take shots at celebrities anymore yeah

Speaker 2 except for alec baldwin we're not taking shots we said that alec baldwin did premeditated murder

Speaker 2 in the last episode by the way folks uh subscribe to our youtube channel youtube.com slash tafts t-a-f-s

Speaker 2 and uh we have a new episode with andrew ray from binging with babbish

Speaker 2 that's people are calling

Speaker 2 people are calling good i'm going to take these home with me why because i'm worried somebody's going to steal them. I know.
They do come off easy. Yeah.
No, but these aren't.

Speaker 2 I'm just not strong enough.

Speaker 2 Nick, go to the doctor.

Speaker 2 Hello, boys.

Speaker 2 Dude, what if? Yeah. Welcome to Delta Airlines.
If you see.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Delta Airlines. Please don't speak Arabic in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 This is a non-smoking flight. Hello, nurse.

Speaker 2 Have you ever been with a chick with

Speaker 2 pointies like that?

Speaker 2 Like this?

Speaker 2 Oh my god, I can't even pay attention. Eyes up here, right? Yeah.
Oh, your tits fell. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Anyway, Nick, go to the doctor. I'll go to the doctor.
Don't worry about me. Don't worry about me, Playboyer.

Speaker 2 Guys, it's been another great episode. I'm in Portland this weekend.
Nicholas is going to the doctor.

Speaker 2 Thanks for joining us. I'm going to Pittsburgh, Improv.
Come on. Pittsburgh Improv.
Please come to Portland this weekend. If you don't live in Portland, get a flight and buy a ticket to the show.

Speaker 2 Maybe buy an extra ticket.

Speaker 2 I'm a sleepy boy today. That's all right.
No, we had a fun one. No, no, definitely.
I had fun. All right, thanks a lot, guys.
I always have fun on the Adam Friedland show. Me too, brother.

Speaker 2 Retro style podcast.

Speaker 2 and Dave?