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Three,

two,

one, boop, and we're live.

So you don't say one.

Three, two, beep.

Boop.

You know how boop, boop, boop, boop.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, like race car?

No, like boop, boop.

Like the T V.

Like the old boop boop.

Oh, where it's like a circle, like a radar thing, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

Dude, I wish I was in the Cold War.

Yeah, that would be sick.

Yeah.

Because you didn't actually have to fight, you know.

Yeah, you'd just be on a nuclear submarine.

It was all about gossip, really.

It was a gossip war.

Yeah.

Spying.

Spying.

Yeah.

I think, yeah, the Cold War would be very sick.

I'd be like in East Berlin.

Stephen King had some dumb tweet yesterday.

He was like, if Russia was run by a woman, the war would have been over by now.

It's like, first of all, what does that mean?

Does that mean that girl Putin would have already genocided everyone in Ukraine or that she would have given up?

There's no way to interpret that where it's not misogynistic.

Yeah, I think he's saying that they would have sucked at war.

Yeah.

It's like girls could never.

What point are you making?

Yeah.

And why?

He wasn't like this.

Like, somehow Twitter, now he's like this speak-em-up guy.

No, you know what it is.

And it's like, you know, you just like, your entire career is based on the fact that you never stop writing bullshit.

It's just a big.

Books about a scary clown that's killing people.

It's just, yeah, fuck, it's goosebumps, bullshit.

It's goosebumps for with more pages.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stephen King, you pick any one of his books, one of them.

If that was the only thing he ever produced, he would be a self-published Amazon guy.

Yes.

He's like Joyce Garrell Oates.

He's just prolific.

Or Woody Allen, just a person that just churns out fucking bullshit.

A podcaster, essentially.

That's what Stephen King is.

I don't agree about it.

And now he has the audacity to tell us how we should feel about Russia.

Well, I think what it is.

Any way that a podcaster would, but without the Jussance.

I'm loving the Jussance era of our discourse, the two of them.

I said Jussance a couple of times, jokingly, but like

I keep seeing, anytime you say Jussance, you get like Lacan guys.

Oh, you said it on Twitter, right?

They're like, how dare you say Jussance?

You've besmirched.

Yeah.

A little bit about me.

I love homework.

And

I am the one who says Jussance.

Are Lacan guys think that they're, are they like...

I don't know.

They think they understand pussy getting or something?

They're going to be the gayest guy in the world to make that your whole thing.

Oh, my God.

I can't imagine what those guys are doing.

I'm a lacan guy.

Jesus Christ, man.

Those guys suck.

No, I think what the deal is.

You can lacan my nuts, you fucking

fucking dork.

Nice, brother.

Tweet that right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

just say, and you know who I'm talking to.

And you know who you are.

No, that I don't want to say this to you, probably.

It's not the right thing to say to you, my friend, but I think the Stephen King thing is pretty obvious.

It's just that getting sober makes you an a massive faggot.

Yeah, I think he's drinking again.

I think that's what's.

Oh, you think he's off the wagon and now he's gone lip mode.

Yeah.

I buy that theory, too.

It could go either way.

Now that I'm drinking again,

looking back, it's like, I don't feel like I was necessarily sober.

I just went to work for one day for 10 years.

On come town?

No, for like, I was like, I got to sober up.

I got to work tomorrow.

And I went to work non-stop for 10 years, made a million dollars.

Now work's over, baby.

Yeah.

Now it's time to spend that $10 million at the fucking bar.

Yeah, we're at the deli, you know, $12 at a time on a Sixer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's no better feeling than going back for the second six-pack in a night to the bus store.

But those kind of awful takes haven't manifested in you.

I'm just trying to relate it to the Stephen King thing.

I don't think I would have ever produced a single take had there not been a microphone shoved in my face as a matter of necessity.

Yeah.

Because you've got to feel dead air.

Even on stage, you mean?

Yeah.

I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, I really don't believe in anything.

I don't care about anything.

I don't believe in anything.

I really don't.

I mean, the best example of that is when I meet like an Uber driver who's

really just spitting incredibly

incorrect facts.

I'll agree with anyone I meet.

I'm always like, yeah, that's right.

No, my most powerful opinions are like, they're fleeting, but the most emotion I feel towards like a take, a stance, is like Lenny's cookies are bullshit.

What are Lenny's cookies?

I don't know.

They're the plant-based cookies you see in the store.

Oh, that's like vegan crap that you're eating now?

Yeah, a lot of vegan stuff is garbage.

You know what I've decided are bullshit?

Tates.

What?

Tate, no, I'm over them.

Over them.

You've gotten

too

flossed off the sauce, my friend.

You're too gassed up.

Yeah, I'm just gonna say that.

Taking shots at Tate's cookies.

Taking shots of cookies from the Hamptons.

That's how elite I am.

This man thinks he's Dick Cabot now.

He got the set, and he's going to take shots at Tate's cookies.

Listen, everyone.

I've only done one interview.

Everyone is in the crosshairs.

No one is safe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Tates,

don't think I'm not going to come for you again.

Is it the misogynist kickboxer guy that makes those cookies?

Yes, it is.

Who is that guy?

i neither of us got into him dude you know what's crazy and everyone's like everyone thinks that we would like get into it i have no idea who he is but so the apparently he's muslim now and whatever so there's uh

that club q

nightclub shooting in colorado spring yeah yeah so people are mad about that and somebody posts a video of matt walsh the very next day being like it doesn't matter what happened there's still pedophiles he said something to that to that regard or

maybe maybe he said something completely different i I didn't watch the video watch two seconds of it

but I didn't realize until watching that video that for the last I have I have had no idea who Matt Walsh is I thought he was Matt Forney who's Matt Forney the bald guy oh like the racist bald guy yeah like early alt-right yeah what yeah yeah my head was like

that guy looked like crap that's who I was picturing I had no idea who Matt Walsh was Matt Walsh yeah yeah I kind of know who that is I had no idea.

He's a guy with like a beard and shit.

I saw the video and I'm like, when's they're like, look what Matt Walsh said.

I'm like, all right, I got to get through John Fattegate sitting in his fucking car.

And it was a different guy.

He's a different guy.

Wow.

I forgot who John Fattegate was.

Now I'm like, oh, John Fatigate is a race.

He's Matt Forney.

Who's John Fatigate?

He was the guy that ran Stand Up New York.

Stand Up New York Labs, their podcast studio.

Oh, yeah.

You know what's very funny?

He had a kid named Shelby that worked for him.

So John Fatigate produced Race Wars and like Karen's podcast early on when he was like, we're starting a podcast studio upstairs in St.

Ham, New York.

And he had this kid Shelby working for him.

And this was, and I've told this story before, but Shelby was like, I don't remember it.

Shelby was this weird-looking kid.

He was like, I have an idea for a podcast.

It's Felix Biederman, Will Maniker, Virgil Texas.

And then he like, he basically created Chapo Trap House.

No shit.

Yeah, he pitched it, and John Fattegate was like, I don't know, that doesn't sound good to me.

No way.

Yeah.

So he is like the

Lou, whatever, the guy that made Insync and Backstreet Boy.

Lou Dobbs came up with the book.

Lou Perlman.

Yeah, Lou Dobbs.

Drunk ass Lou Dobbs.

Yeah.

I want

three hot boys, five hot boys dancing in unison.

I don't even know what he sounds like.

He really is a freak.

Lou Dobbs is what happens when you drink too much milk while you're pregnant.

He has milk alcohol syndrome or

feel milk syndrome.

LMS, Lou Dobbs.

It was you who was telling me that he's like 6'6.

He's massive, dude.

Yeah, the couple of times I did Red Eye, I would see him in the back.

And he was

the truth about Lou Dobbs revealed.

What's the truth?

Let's hear it.

water.

Here's the truth about Lou Dobbs.

When you've been on television for a long time, it's more than likely you've built up an impressive net worth.

So, just how rich is Lou Dobbs?

Let's break it down.

After graduating with a business degree from Harvard University in 1967, Dobbs moved to Arizona, where he worked as a local reporter.

After that, he

as you may know,

this country has had some issues with race.

Who's this, John?

Oh, okay.

Sphincters are tightening already.

We've had some issues with race.

There was that incident in

Diddy.

So he's doing a podcast now.

There's like a talk show.

He stole our fucking idea.

John did?

Jon Stewart stole our idea.

Yeah, but we're stealing his.

All right.

We're doing a center-left talk show now.

Yeah.

Judge Greenlight's definitely.

I just want to hear Lou Dobbs speaking to try and dial in a Lou Dobbs impression.

It's like it's kind of like I don't know.

I can't I'm not even gonna try

as Congress considers the very real-world damage of election lies.

One of the most vocal mouthpieces for Donald Trump and his election conspiracies, Lou Dobbs, just saw his show canceled.

Now, this story matters far beyond media.

The president doesn't want a statue erected to him.

What he wants is a free and fair election

It's being denied to him.

What he wants is a picture of my penis sent to his phone.

And they won't let me do that.

So let's decide.

Lou Dobbs goaded or not.

Is Lou Dobbs goaded in the sauce or is he a pecker?

Is he goaded or not?

A penis pecking?

A penis pecking pecker.

He's a pecker pecker?

He's a pecker pecker.

Look at this goddamn pecker pecker.

I'd like to see you

call him that to his face, Nick.

I'm going to call Lou Dobbs.

Don't you goddamn call me a pecker pecker.

Don't you call me a milk fetal milk syndrome?

Hey, that's below the belt.

That is beyond the pale.

This is CNN.

Moneyline with Lou Duck.

The fuck, they're just calling that because there's a bunch of Jews that live here.

What do you know?

Because Wall Street is here, you idiot.

Oh, damn.

Okay.

You don't have to make everything about fucking Jewish people.

I don't make everything about...

What are you talking about?

Most of your family is Jewish.

Look, I just respond to what the

culture is.

You know, you should see a little movie, Nick, called The Believer with Ryan Reynolds, and it's about a guy named Nick Mullen,

who pretends to be a Nazi.

crunch.

The Federal Reserve Board today reported

decline down by one and a half billion dollars in September.

That's the fifth straight monthly decline.

Consumer?

I'm Lou Dobbs,

and I have breasts.

Can you milk me, Greg?

I have nipples.

It's Ryan Gosling, by the way, guys.

What?

Have you seen that movie, The Believer?

No, I don't watch fucking...

I don't watch shit like that, dude.

What do you mean?

It's about a Jewish guy who's a Nazi.

I don't watch that kind of fucking shit.

It's a movie about you.

I don't watch that racist stuff, dude.

What was your Bar Mitza theme, Nick?

I know you don't like talking about your personal life.

It was Jar Jar, wasn't it?

It was Heathcliff.

It was Wuthering Heights, was the theme.

Oh, it was that Heathcliff.

Oh, yeah.

How, you know, that just shows how lowbrow I am.

Yeah.

I don't even think about the guy from that one song.

What one song?

He's Cliff.

It's me.

I'm Catherine.

You know that song?

Yeah, I don't know any of the lyrics to that song because I can't hear the words she's saying.

Yeah, because she's talking like a goddamn idiot.

Kate Bust.

Kate Snatch.

Yeah, Kate Snez.

Kate Sniz, dude.

Now that's a fucking record I'd listen to.

Dude, yeah.

Dude,

Sniz Lemon.

Dude, what if 30 Rock was on cocaine and her name was Sniz Lemon?

30 Crack Rocks.

30 Crack Rock.

What if...

We got ourselves in a little pickle here with the advertisers.

They're mad at us?

No, none of them have paid for the year.

At all?

Yeah, we're owed hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars.

So we've been doing free advertising for companies that potentially don't even exist.

I know.

I've emailed a couple of them, and I was like, hey.

Have you gotten any word back?

And they're like, oh,

yeah.

We didn't pay you.

Is it unprofessional to call some of them on the show right now and just ask them what's going on?

It is.

And also, too, we should mention that the Aperture Lighting wants to make it clear that they do not sponsor the show.

They do not sponsor the show.

They have nothing to do.

Fuck Aperture Lighting.

It's a company filled with pedophiles.

Well, they're a little sensitive after they plan the January 6th.

But just make it clear, they have no association with this show whatsoever.

Well, they don't like the center left.

They said we're a racist company.

We wanted to kill Mike Pence.

It didn't work out.

When we started this company, we wanted to shine a light on the crimes of George Floyd.

But if Alexandria Casio-Cortez would give us just a brief kiss and a titty squeeze, we could potentially change our minds and start sponsoring the Adam Friedland show.

You know what I was thinking about is like, you know how,

what was I talking about a second, right?

Just now?

What were the words coming out of my mouth?

Oh, you know how people say if they had a time machine, they'd go back and stop Hitler.

I've often said that.

Waste of time.

But if time machine machine.

Why is that a waste of time?

Waste of time.

Why?

Because then you miss

fucking doo-op music.

Like, think about all the stuff that happened post-World War II

that we wouldn't get.

You wouldn't get first.

America wouldn't be a superpower.

That is absolutely true.

There'd be no Marshall Plan.

We would just have another civil war every fucking 10 years.

The South would just keep bringing slavery back, and we wouldn't have, we wouldn't be able to.

So you're saying that the Holocaust made it really nice here?

Yeah, literally.

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah.

Yeah, kind of.

There would be no, you know, like cars would just be for rich people.

There would be no automotive industry.

People had cars before the war.

Huh?

They had massive Buicks and stuff.

I guess that's the 50s.

Yeah, that's later on.

Yeah.

I guess

it it is crazy to think about.

Anyways, you get a time machine and you go back to

the simple year of 2012

when Ben Shapiro starts gaining traction doing his fucking like

his arguing with babies series on YouTube.

Oh, like the colleges, yeah.

And he says that he's like, you can't just decide to be a girl if you're a boy.

You can't.

He's like,

I love basketball, but unfortunately, I'm Jewish, so I can't be in the NBA.

You go to the NBA and you say, look.

That makes sense to me, honestly.

You say, look, I'm from the future.

You got to just put this faggot in the NBA.

Yeah.

Just give him one dribble.

Just fucking put him in the game.

Yeah, yeah.

Like the Down syndrome kid, they let

score the touchdown.

If that had happened,

none of this shit.

Yeah.

Fucking none of it.

If Ben Shapiro went to a community college and complained that he couldn't be in the NBA and then we put him in the NBA and let him win every game,

there would be no Club Q nightclub shooting.

It would be very funny to imagine Shaquille O'Neal doing like a Patrick Swayze dirty dancing, like lifting him up so he can do one slam dunk.

Because you let that happen.

You also let people steal valor.

You let conservatives, because that's all conservatives want.

Because they want to be special forces operators, but they.

But not actually go to the army.

Yeah,

they missed the boat on that.

Yeah, because they had flat feeders.

They were doing cut-go.

Yeah,

they were doing cut-go.

They were trying to own a small business.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you think, I think that's actually not a bad plan for our current situation.

Where do you think we'd be at right now then?

It's too late now.

I know it's too late because obviously we don't have time machine technology.

It's all set in motion.

It's too late.

But what do you think the outcome would be?

If what?

If you put Ben Shapiro in the middle of the map.

If you put him in the NBA for one dunk.

I think he would do it.

Where a large man would lift him up in the air.

He would refuse to do it at this point.

It's too late now.

We can't do it now.

I'm talking about the time machine.

They already shot Ashley Babbitt.

It's over.

Yeah, I know.

Blood's been drawn.

The future is nothing political violence.

That makes aperture.

That becomes increasingly more severe and also boring at the same time.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, horrific stuff that

doesn't even

break Stephen Paddock's record.

Someone's going to murder 300 people in a mass shooting, and no one will care.

Yeah.

Is Steven Paddock in the Guinness Book of World Records?

He is.

He is.

That's what he was going for.

He was just like a nerd.

He's like, I got to break one.

Have you ever considered getting in that book?

Yeah, I think I said that as a joke a couple episodes ago.

I don't remember.

Yeah, of course, huh?

What did you say?

I forget.

Maybe it was one that I wasn't here.

I feel like there's a bunch of Chinese people in those books, and they don't even realize they're in the book or that they have a record.

The Chinese guy that's eaten the most planes.

Oh, the metal eater guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're like, you won the record.

And he's like, oh, okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

He's not trying to do anything.

He just doesn't.

He's just eating planes.

Yeah, it is really cool.

He could really, like, you know, maybe

get some groupies off that.

Off of being in the book.

Yeah.

What were we talking about?

The Club Q Nightclub shooting.

Yeah.

Yeah, it did.

So you're saying it pissed a lot of people off?

Did it piss you off?

The Club Q Nightclub shooting?

Yeah.

I didn't even pay attention to it.

Has anyone uh

drawn the connection of the name of the club to the uh recent popular conspiracy theory?

Which one say it?

Uh Q.

Oh, I thought you were going to do a joke.

I was asking you a question.

Um yeah, I'm sure.

What was the joke you thought I was gonna do?

Like something based on club rather than Q.

Oh, a misdirect.

Yes.

Should I run in that again?

Yep.

Has anyone drawn a connection between that and the recent popular conspiracy theory?

Do you want me to say?

Say, no, what?

Who's there?

Hmm?

Knock, knock, who's there?

No, I'm not doing a knock-knock.

Oh, but you know, come on.

So, yes, go ahead.

Come on, just you.

You're saying just yes and me.

I'm just, oh, that's all I'm asking for.

Oh, what conspiracy theory?

Oh, the popular

Club Penguin conspiracy.

I was just saying the other day, I used to reference Club Penguin all the time.

It's a good pull.

I have no idea what it is.

I think it was a baby chat room.

It was like babies and pedophiles.

It's a funny thing to say.

Yeah, Club Penguin.

And Al-Qaeda guys.

Yeah.

It was the best crew of all time.

Babies, pedophiles, and Al-Qaeda guys.

Yeah.

Kind of like a K-pop fan.

Very similar to a K-pop demo.

It's really annoying that Twitter is still around.

Yeah, it should not exist.

I feel like I wouldn't mind becoming old and out of touch if there was a new app that I had no idea what it was instead of the one that,

you know, gave me my career.

Oh, so you're saying this in a way it was like, if I can't have fun anymore, no one should.

That's absolutely not what I mean.

You're doing it in a baby way.

You're doing it in a brat way.

That's absolutely not what I'm saying.

I'm just teasing you, Nick.

I know.

Well, just a little poking fun.

What I'm saying is that if it was something I didn't have any way to access,

I look at Twitter now and I see

that I don't understand.

Google and Apple were saying that they were people were saying that they wanted to take him off the app stores

because of Elon?

Yeah, because Elon fucks too much.

Yeah.

What's gonna what's next for Elon Musk?

What dumb shit is he gonna do next?

I don't know.

He does cool shit to me.

You know what was very cool

was when he made the rocket land right side up.

Yeah?

You don't think that's cool?

I guess it is, but

why?

Because that's like from like,

you know, it's like Star Wars shit.

Oh, you're too cool for that, Nick?

Why are you doing this?

Doing what?

You're too cool for thinking that it's tight for a rocket to leave, to go to space, come back, and land right side up.

How do they usually just went into the ocean?

No, I'm saying Elon got one to land right side up.

Yeah, but we already had space shuttles.

Those land like a regular plane.

No, those have like fucking...

Space shoots.

No.

Space shuttles would, they'd come down, they'd have like fucking parachutes and stuff.

It'd be like lame on the way back down.

No, the space shuttle lands like a regular,

that's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's so funny that two of them blew up and both of them killed women.

Anytime a girl was on it.

Yeah, it's so funny.

Yeah.

What was it?

The Challenger and what was the other one?

The like Commander.

When was that?

I don't know.

It was like, no, the Columbia.

Didn't that one blow up also?

I don't remember.

The shuttles are out of commission.

They blew them both up.

Yeah.

The Challenger, the thing was that.

They were like, it's my turn to drive.

They put a teacher on the kaboom.

They put a teacher on it, right?

Yeah.

That's why you learn about it in school.

The teachers are like, isn't it sad that a teacher died?

And we're like, shut up, bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's cool.

They should have put cops on it.

That's my anti-fatigue.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

One take we're taking is that we're going back to being pro-cop on this show.

Are we?

Yeah.

SWAT teams?

That's cool.

No one talks about how cool SWAT is.

Now, are the SWAT guys, is that the only job they do at the police department?

Yeah, it must be boring most of the time.

Yeah.

But maybe they have like a fireman's clubhouse that they chill at.

Yeah.

Right.

Just lift weights together.

Yeah, play darts, lift weights.

It's like Baywatch in there.

Yeah, exactly.

Fellas hanging out.

Yeah, do pranks on each other.

Yeah.

Shower after a long day.

All the fellas.

Got to bring up dietsmoke.com.

Should we?

DietSmoke.com, a very loyal company to all

of

the people that they work with in a professional capacity.

I love dietsmoke.com.

It's my favorite company.

Sorry, I'm just loading it up.

They make the best edibles for a beautifully balanced buzz.

It's not light, it's just right.

You can curate your perfect stash at dietsmoke.com.

They have

the diet kind and the other kind, the regular kind.

And guess what?

It gets you real noise.

It makes you feel real noise.

Should we bring that back, Nick?

Noise.

Saying noise?

Noise.

Noise.

Although I feel a noise piece of pussy.

Oh, I'm not saying it in an Australian way.

I'm saying it in like a Uyghur way.

In the morning,

you get a noise piece of pussy juice.

No, I'm saying it in a way like a like a

wigger with like getting a blowjob.

Before bed, I take a little bit of a noise.

I got a bunch of alligator pussy juice that I put into an ice cube tray.

And in the morning, I have my coffee with alligator pussy juice cubes.

I think that's a stereotype that's pretty harmful, actually.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I don't want to traffic in

generalizations, superficiality.

DietSmoke.com.

DietSmoke bold products contain more potent cannabinoids and or higher doses recommended for experienced consumers at THC.

Guys, this shit is for experts.

It's not for noobs.

It's not for herbs.

I pitched a slogan to them.

Diet Smoke.

It's way better than Diet Crap.

That, I mean, that's good.

Are you tired of smoking just pieces of shit with zero calories in it?

Yeah, I'm sick and tired of that crap.

Well, not yet.

I go to my dealer and he gives me a bag of poo-poo.

I'm tired of smoking poo-poo every morning in my Australian bungalow.

I'm sick.

I don't know about you folks, but I'm sick and tired of smoking poo-poo.

And that's why I found dietsmoke.com.

It's not light, it's just right.

What do you think about like

launch a talk show again?

Look, I know people are fiending for video content.

It's coming soon.

It's coming soon.

We shot something on Sunday that's coming out probably next week.

We're shooting another thing this weekend.

Guys, don't fucking worry, okay?

We're hiring a staff so we can do this without burning ourselves.

And I think in the interim, once we get just the AV stuff figured out, we do a baby show for a while and we have like puppets and stuff on.

That'd be cute.

Yeah.

So every episode, like, you're learning about conjunctions and grammar and stuff like that.

I would like that.

Yeah.

We could have one of the letters of the alphabet come on.

We can have Q come on.

And be like, how do you feel?

About the shooting in Colorado Springs.

Yeah.

He's like, what are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

He's like, I'm the other Q.

Yeah.

I'm the bad Q.

Yeah.

We have good Q and Bad Q on the Adam Friedland show.

And we have them debate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I moderate.

I can dress up as Elmo.

I can be like, what do you mean there's two letter Qs?

He's It's like, well, Elmo, you use a different, the letter Q can be used for a lot of words.

I'm like, who's this black guy?

Yeah.

It's me, Elmo.

It's Gordon.

Remember me, your friend Gordon, Elmo from Sesame Street?

DietSmoke.com.

It's way better than Diet Crap.

It's better than Diet Crap, folks.

Anyway, guys.

I'm going to cut this short because who knows

about them paying?

But what is Diet Smoke Bowl?

Diet Smoke Bold line of products is our stronger,

are our stronger experiences.

That's not English.

They contain more potent cannabinoids and or higher doses.

Diet Smoke Bold is recommended for those who are experienced consumers, like I just said, and looking for a more traditional, high-feeling.

Listen, they got a lot of crap that you can get.

Edibles, gummies, vapes, drinks.

They got all this crap you can get.

And you can get a discount if you put in our promo code.

And that promo code is Tafts.

correct no i think it's come town or come to come town or come town 20.

um we thank them for their support of the show and for sticking by our side unlike a lot of other companies um one thing i do want to mention is that they have added a line of diet smoke clothes

looks like they have hoodies and t-shirts

And you're definitely going to want to check those out.

I get all my clothes from the weed company.

From the.

Yeah.

Me, you ask me.

If I'm wearing clothes, it's got to have weed.

It's got to be weed.

I got Stewie Griffin looking at child pornography.

I have Rick and Morty

with red eyes because they've been hitting so much bong.

That's got to be a cool guy.

He's the Rick and Morty pedophile.

A guy that's into Rick and Morty and child pornography.

He sounds pretty cool.

Yeah.

You should have him on the show.

Yeah, but the problem is that Rick and Morty is actually for adults.

You're not going to fuck me, are you, Mr.

Pedophile?

No, Elmo, you're a puppet.

I only have sex with humans, little boys and girl humans.

But maybe if a child was operating you,

then I would.

Mr.

Pedophile, do you consider yourself part of the LGBTQ community?

Most certainly.

No.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yes.

Don't do that because then they're going to come in here.

It's probably a package.

I'll go check.

No, don't go check.

Why you said I can't say hello, but you have to go outside and check.

Someone knocked on our door.

We're waiting on Nick to come back.

A lot of you guys are probably wondering what Nick is wearing right now, so I'll describe it for you.

He's wearing a black t-shirt, black jeans, and Adidas Sambas.

Nick,

what did we get?

Now he's left me.

So.

Thank you for the package.

Thank you so much.

What did we get?

Lens caps.

Oh, we got lens caps, folks.

That's really important, because you don't want dust getting on on the sensors and getting on the gl the end of our lenses.

All right, back to the podcast.

Come on, let's finish this crap.

Why are you opening them up?

We'll do that later.

Shit.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I just.

What's wrong?

I just dropped some.

I spilled.

I was holding these in a way I wanted to.

I dropped them.

You dropped them where?

Just in a pile, in a way that

it's not satisfying.

Oh, you wanted wanted to stack them?

You're live at the Adam Friedland Show unboxing of the micro four-thirds Lencat.

Yeah, let's hear about what we're working with here.

Love that.

You can hear

the SMR.

Smells good.

The packaging is typical of a lot of the Chinese-branded stuff these days.

Sensei, it says here, let's look at the

packaging.

Year lens cap, micro four-thirds, one-year limited warranty made in China from madebysensei.com.

And Sensei is a registered trademark of the Gratis group.

That means free.

No, it's G-R-A-D-U-S.

Oh, different spelling.

So it's Latin.

A lot of these Chinese companies, they use a Japanese name and then they're owned by a Latin.

Just anything but Chinese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They really try to throw you off there.

They really don't.

So we're actually going to go get a lens and see how these fit on them.

Yeah,

let's do that.

So

I don't know, I thought we were

kind of on to something with that Rick and Morty pedophile thing, but

I don't know.

This is important, I guess, keeping you guys updated about the gear that we are buying for the show right now.

You know, this is

I think this is what you guys want.

Are you coming back?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're coming back?

Hold your horses.

All right, I'm back.

Back Rooney Dooney.

So we're going to do another unboxing here.

So yeah, he's unboxing lens cap number two right now.

This is uh obviously also from Sensei.

And look at that slide in.

Let's get some noise.

Let's get some foley on that.

Shit.

Let's get the mic in there, Nick.

That sounds good.

That's good.

Sounds good.

Look at that.

How do you feel?

Well, we got our lunch cap on this guy now.

That's a big, that's a win for today, I feel like.

Yeah.

You know, it's the small wins every day that keep Nick and I going.

You You ever look through the rear lens or one of these and it makes you want to throw up?

No.

I get like motion sickness looking through lenses.

Like a lens off of a camera.

Yes.

And you do it multiple times.

Yeah, I do it until I throw up.

It's kind of like I'm like a like tripping.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You do like a sort of a when Harry met Sally sort of thing.

Yeah.

Nick, uh, you ever do that?

You ever take a sip of something?

Yeah, let's do it.

You go,

yeah, yeah, no, it's good.

Do you ever do that?

I've done it.

I've done it before.

You think an awe is ever genuine, or you think it's performative?

I think some people do it for real.

Cool people, or no?

I don't know.

Yeah.

How are you feeling about about stuff?

I don't know.

I thought we were kind of really onto something with that Rick and Morty pedophile guy.

And then the package came.

But who cares, dude?

I mean, like, here's the truth, guy.

Can we be honest with the audience?

We're like annoyed that

shit we we're very impatient for shit to get pumping and now we're doing pu like these these audio episodes and

and uh

you know we're professionals we're powering through it we're doing unboxings but you know we we are as we are as

impatient I think as our audience is you know it we we hear you I hear it's very hard to find a talent booker no we we did we have one now no we're talking we have a call still don't have a talent no no but it's but it's it's the one we should go with

yeah okay and if they say no then we can just you know threaten them

Okay.

Yeah.

So, I think that's a good strategy.

It is, probably.

Yeah.

Do you want me to play a character that you can interview for the rest of the show?

Do you want to?

That might be easy.

Let's see.

I don't know.

I thought the beginning of the show was fine.

Okay, but maybe we have to do an interview segment.

All right, let's do an interview.

So, unless you want to do a monologue, I mean, I can look at headlines here.

No, let's do an interview.

Let's do an interview.

Everyone's excited about the release of the Matilda musical.

That's big.

Let's talk about that they gave they're giving they're giving it's giving pussy for starters there's a couple of things it's giving child it eats and it gives pussy

it both eats and gives pussy pass it gives it gives passenger princess yeah and if you think nick's making that up the official netflix account tweeted the new matilda is giving pussy yeah it's serving pussy and it's giving it's serving pussy and it's eating pussy

the new matilda Matilda movie is eating more pussy than it can even stomach.

That's a scene in the movie: the fat boy eats the Trunch Bull's pussy, so she makes him eat her entire pussy and ass in front of the cafeteria.

Really?

Yeah.

It's kind of like when your dad catches you smoking sigs or something.

It makes you smoke that whole damn ass.

Did you see the Matilda movie?

The first one?

Yeah, from 1996.

I don't think I don't think I ever did, honestly.

It's a great movie.

Is it good?

It's very good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But there's a fat boy.

It's about an orphan.

Is it an orphan movie?

Who eats cake and he's uh

the trunch bowl makes him uh

eater pussy and ass

in front of the whole school.

Makes him do uh a certain type of YouTube video.

What kind?

Wh what do you think?

Oh, let's let's uh elaborate on that.

Nick has a very devilish smile on his face right now.

No, I'm alone on that.

It's too early in the day for

for causing trouble.

Oh, no, I'm always down to cause a little bit of mischief.

Anyway, so you're excited about this new Matilda, Nick.

Everybody's talking about it.

Yeah.

Everyone's talking about it right now.

Everyone's talking about the new Matilda movie.

It's a movie about an orphan.

Yeah.

Which is somebody with no parents.

Or they could have bad parents, too.

Yeah.

That aren't good enough to be parents.

Yeah, she's not an orphan.

So why is she at that school?

She knows magic, right?

It's a private school.

Matilda movie dominates UK box office.

Well what the fuck else is playing?

James Bond, number two Humillion?

No, they don't have one right now.

Harry Potter.

Glass Onion.

No, they literally do.

There's a James Bond?

Yeah, well there's a Daniel Craig movie.

Oh no.

That's literally all they have is fucking James Bond movies.

But that's not James Bond.

Glass Onion is a knives out sequel.

The company agreed to some exclusive theatrical distribution.

Netflix remains committed to streaming.

You know who else remains committed to streaming is my dog all over the floor of

my condo.

Your efficiency apartment.

This dog loves pissing.

Yeah.

You don't talk a lot about your dog.

Yeah.

I thought it was weird for you to name your dog that name.

It's weird.

They did Clifford

and they said somebody said how about a giant dog and they said it needs more.

And they said, well, maybe he's

Maybe he's got a small dick.

Yeah.

Maybe he has a tiny dog dick despite being huge.

They're like, I don't know if that's good for kids.

Yeah, it's inappropriate.

I don't know.

What if he's red?

They're like, that's fine.

That's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just make him a big red dog.

They don't really go into how much food that dog would need.

Yeah.

It was originally called Clifford the Huge Piece of Shit.

Yeah.

And it wasn't even a dog.

It was just a guy that was kind of sucked.

Oh, it was just a guy.

Yeah.

I thought you meant a giant turd.

Clifford, the huge.

Clifford is just a picture of a house with a giant piece of shit.

It's their pet.

A giant piece of shit next to the house.

Yeah.

Clifford, the huge piece of shit.

Yeah, and it's for kids.

Yeah.

And it teaches them important lessons about life.

That's yeah, that's pretty cool.

I gotta go pick up my fucking laundry.

We gotta start doing this show first thing in the morning.

Well, I came.

I came.

You know, we used to do the podcast.

I was 15 minutes late.

You had complications coming to the office today.

A bunch of complications.

But I'm just saying, but we used to do the old podcast at like 10 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, that was.

You live like 12 minutes away from it.

I know.

It's easier.

But the afternoon, I don't know.

Now we have a 35 to 40 minute commute.

Yeah.

This episode is brought to you by Ridge Wallet.

Ridge Wallet.

Have they paid?

Yes.

That's a real company.

I think they paid.

They started making so much money that at the beginning of the year, they'll just be like, here's $50,000.

Do whatever you want.

Don't tell them the numbers.

Why?

Because I want them to think that we're men of the people.

Oh, okay.

Ridge.

We are men of the people.

We're inspiring people that you can be, you too can put zero effort into your life at all and then stumble.

Yeah.

Stumble into something.

We're like Gary Vee.

Yeah.

Just keep, just keep, just stay,

continue just being on Tinder all day long and fucking, you know.

We're not on Tinder now.

Not us.

You're not.

Oh, you're saying them, them.

Sorry, sorry.

You don't follow me.

I do.

Well, it's just you're so fast.

Anyway, Ridge Wallet is a great company.

They got great products.

Basically, what they do is they simplify everyday items you have and strip them down to their bare basics.

Is that right, Nick?

Yeah.

But they don't only have wallets.

They started with wallets that was, I think, on a Kickstarter.

Now they've expanded to a bunch of different products.

They have bags, watches, knives, guns,

tasers.

They have...

IED improvised explosive devices.

That's fucking awesome.

Dude, they have dirty dirty bombs.

Yeah.

Remember when everybody's worried about that?

About dirty bombs?

Isn't it just calling them that because Muslims have them?

No.

Are there other bombs clean?

I don't understand.

No, that's not what they're saying.

They're like, oh, they're going to make it stinky.

They got the...

Al-Qaeda's got the stinky bombs.

Yeah.

That is so Caucasian of you.

The Caucasity?

Yeah, white people think dirty bombs too spicy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Caucasity of that same indicator.

Yeah, it's got too much seasoning.

Hashtag OscarSoWhite.

Hashtag OscarSoWhite.

Yeah.

So what who you got in the Oscars this year?

What are your early predictions?

I think I'm going to win for Matilda.

Oh, you were involved in that project?

I directed Matilda.

You did?

Yeah.

And what was that process like?

Well, I did.

What was it like working with them kids?

I kind of had a mental breakdown two days in.

I was stressed out and I started started talking like a Chinese guy.

And I was like, oh, they need more dancing.

But you finished the project as a Chinese guy?

It ended up being very helpful.

Really?

I said, more dancing.

It kind of like disarmed your instruction.

Yeah, it's cool, maybe, but more dancing.

And then they added more dancing, and it was perfect.

Right.

And they weren't listening to you as Nick.

I like more dancing.

I like more dancing, please.

More baby, more dancing.

More baby, more dancing.

Eat pussy and and ass the dancing doesn't eat enough pussy yeah we make a fat boy eat the pussy

yeah

what is wallet promo code oh yeah ridge wallet listen they got a bunch of good

come town 20 come town or come town 20 they got a great website you got you can check it out they have a blog

What is a digital wallet?

How it works and what the future holds.

That sounds interesting.

Great anniversary gifts for your boyfriend.

Guys, Ridge Wallet is a boy company.

This is the kind of stuff that guys have.

Yeah, actually, they have a t-shirt that says Ridge Wallet and then

in a circle with an X through it, no ma'am.

Like from the

show Married with Children.

Yeah.

We got to get those shirts, dude.

Al Bundy.

We got to get those shirts.

They have them all over the place.

That really was one of the best shows.

Married with Children?

I loved it.

I would watch it as like a 10-year-old and be like,

I'm not going to fuck my wife.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

I can't wait to be

not fuck my wife.

Yeah.

Boom, boom, bum, boom.

I can't wait to be just like this guy who scored five touchdowns at nib high and sells shoes now.

Yeah.

Do you remember the gag at the strip club?

I love the

episode?

The male character that's just a guy that peaked in high school.

Yeah.

is a great character.

Yeah, yeah, and his daughter is a fucking piece of ass, and his son is a bitch.

His son's a wigger, his son's a wigger, like a five-foot-two wigger, and his wife's annoying, even though she's kind of hot, too.

Yeah, um, no,

they had a really funny gag.

There's an episode where Al takes Bud to this to the

to the nudie bar, right?

And um, he has a dollar,

and the dollar is attached to a fishing wire.

So cool.

Look how cool that fucking guy is.

Yeah, Al Bundy was a cool guy.

And he put his hand on his penis while he watched TV.

Yeah, I'm going to touch my penis.

I'm going to touch my penis.

I'm going to touch my fucking penis.

Shut the fuck up, Peg.

I'm going to touch my penis.

Do you remember this, Nick?

Are you listening?

Yeah, I'm listening.

So, yeah, he goes to the nudie bar with his son, Bud.

And he has a dollar to

tip the sex workers.

And it's attached to a fishing wire.

And so he tips the girl a dollar while she's dancing on stage.

And then he pulls it away with the fishing wire.

And then he looks at Bud and he said, One day, son, this will be yours.

Like

that's going to be his inheritance one day.

Oh, this is one dollar.

In the promotional material for this show,

you can just fully see his penis and his pants.

Oh my God.

You just see his dick.

You see his dick and balls.

Yeah.

That is hilarious.

That's just the DVD cover.

That's amazing.

We got to get that on

DVD box set.

Married with children?

Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Kelly, she was so hot.

Do you remember the audience reaction whenever Kelly would come out?

Yeah.

They'd be like,

she's a pure sweetheart, dude.

She's seen it.

Christina Applegate.

She's one of the hottest ever.

Yeah, Ed O'Neill got fat in such a funny way, too.

Like the way his body looks now.

Did he?

Yeah.

I thought he's just an old guy.

I know, but look how the way he's.

But he doesn't look fat.

Like, he's one of those like...

His entire body looks like a heroin addict's arm.

But he's like kind of like, you know what?

And you're probably going to disagree with me, but he has like a Kevin James thing where his face doesn't look like as bad as the body.

You know what I mean?

The head doesn't look like as fat as the rest of the body.

No, he looks like a cookie monster.

He's on, he's on, what do you call it?

Modern family.

That was a big show.

Yeah.

We should get Ed O'Neill on the show.

I would love to get Ed O'Neill on the show.

Jesus Christ.

But his arms are strong.

His triceps are popping in that picture.

But he has literally saggy women's breasts.

But he looks happy.

It's so sick.

Yeah, he's like shirtless.

He doesn't give a fuck.

He's Al Bundy.

He's probably.

Nick just showed me a picture of him riding a bicycle.

Oh, no.

Christina Applegate has dead?

She's got multiple sclerosis.

What is that?

I don't know, but that makes me sad.

I want to cry.

She's too beautiful to have MS.

That is sad.

Can we do something for her?

This just happened.

Recently.

November 17th.

What does it say?

She missed early symptoms of MS, such as balance, a few years ago.

It's like a thing, the nervous system kind of thing?

I don't know.

What is the nervous system?

It's one of those, they got all these.

It's the Jewish part of your body that are just letters.

They gotta stop doing that.

You got MS, you got fucking MD, you got MR.

What's MR?

Mental retardation.

Oh.

Nice.

Oh, yeah.

It's like it's a lupus over the immune system.

What's lupus?

Lupus is like your...

It's an autoimmune, where your immune system attacks itself, I guess.

What's the thing where you crap yourself a lot?

Diarrhea.

No, not diarrhea.

But it's like you crap yourself your whole life.

Crohn's.

Crohn's.

Babyism.

What?

Babyism?

No, it's not baby.

Crohn's, right?

Crohn's.

When do you stop being a baby?

When you stop shooting yourself, then you're a toddler?

I think toddlers still have diapers, though, right?

Yeah.

When do you stop being a baby?

Do you know what's a weird thing that doesn't that does happen, but only in like South America when like a baby will hit puberty?

Remember that?

Yeah, they like get mustaches.

Yeah.

Well, they get they get pregnant.

There was a thing, it'd be like a three-year-old that's pregnant, and then the story would be like, I remember as a kid, you'd see the stories, and it'd be like, oh, they hit puberty early.

And it's like, yeah, but they got fucked.

Right.

You got the bigger story: somebody fucked this baby.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

They're like, amazing baby.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it better be another baby that did it.

It has to.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to get a job.

I'm going to support this family.

I'm not leaving.

We're going to live on Sesame Street together.

We're going to make this work.

Yeah.

For instance, fatigue, anxiety, low mood, decreased focus, constipation, these are all symptoms that are frequently encountered by people who have MS.

I have all that.

Yeah.

No, well, we're just, we're like bourgeois.

I'm not constipated.

We're like Marie Antoinette, basically.

I know.

Nick and I are wearing corsets and hoop dresses.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I said, let the Matilda movie eat pussy.

Let the kids let the Let them kids eat pussy.

Let them kids eat pussy.

Oh, damn.

Does she look good still?

Yeah, yeah.

That only makes her more beautiful to me that she has MS.

Yeah, she's been through so much.

Yeah.

She's tragic.

She kind of looks like uh she looks like uh what's her name?

Catherine O'Hara now?

Like Kevin McAllister's mom?

Yeah.

She does?

Yeah, they look very similar.

Wait, let me see.

Show me a pic.

Hold on.

Christina Applegate.

Yeah, like

I see it, I guess.

Indeed.

But she looks better.

Christina Applegate's early MS symptoms make it clear that the disease can be mistaken for everyday aches.

This is kind of irresponsible journalism, though.

You shouldn't be.

There's a bunch of articles now that are saying that.

Oh, she missed the early warning signs,

like depression or anxiety.

It's like, yeah, that's a good idea.

Tell people that are anxious.

That they might have MS.

Yeah.

But then,

I mean, if someone reads that and then they catch it early, then wouldn't it be good?

I don't know if there's anything you can do about it.

MS?

Yeah.

There's no cure?

I don't think so.

That's why they have to do marches.

That's how you know.

You know, a disease is never going to be cured if they're like, I don't know, let's try a marathon.

Let's try a parade.

Let's, yeah.

Let's do a parade.

Let's do a fun run.

Maybe that'll stop it.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of giving up.

Yeah.

What's your favorite disease?

My favorite disease?

Explosive defiance disorder.

What is that?

I don't know.

Your parents

are getting divorced.

I made it up.

There is a behavioral problem called like explosive something.

Like baby disorder, yeah, like a bad kid disorder, yeah, where they're like, nah, I'm sorry,

I know you can't accept that your child's just got a shitty personality, yeah, he's just a dick, he's got a, he's got a disease.

Do you wish your parents caught the early signs of that in you?

Huh?

You know what's funny?

I was thinking about the other day when, like, a yeah, I have all of these symptoms except for the bowel issues.

I still take perfect shits, dude.

I my shitting has been

my shitting has been pretty good recently.

It's perfect.

I take a perfect shit in the morning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Clockwork?

It goes down into the bowl and then comes up to the top part.

Really?

Yeah.

It says, it says peekaboo.

Yeah, it's got googly eyes on the top.

You do a little peekaboo.

What's going on?

Hey, Nick.

Yeah, I'm like, oh, hey, shit.

You gotta, yeah, we gotta do like a family guy where the Brian character is

Peter's poop.

Yeah, he's his best friend.

He's like a friendly turn.

Christian Applegate makes emotional first public appearance after MS diagnosis, I love you all so much.

She's talking to me, by the way.

I guess South Park did the Christmas poo.

Yeah, they did.

They did everything, man.

Jesus Christ.

She said she loves you all.

Oh, she was diagnosed in 2021.

Oh, so she's been lying to us for a year.

No, but she's about her status.

Yeah.

Well, that pisses me off, honestly.

Damn.

What's wrong?

You're sad about this news?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is pretty sad.

You know, um,

I was thinking a lot about I've been thinking a lot about um Norm and then that guy Chadwick Bozeman.

Yeah.

You know, about like their decision to be dying of cancer and not tell anyone.

And I think that's kind of maybe a clear difference between the two of us in terms of personality types.

I was like thinking, I was like that Nick would also kind of maybe do that.

Like do the like do like a it's very masculine.

It's like a man, you know, like, wow, that was a great man, you know?

You're not listening to me, right?

Yeah, no.

You know what I'm saying?

Hitler, great man.

No, that's not what it's shut up, bro.

What?

I'm trying to make a point here, right?

I was just thinking about if I got cancer, like, I would be so unable

to not shut the fuck up about my cancer.

Yeah.

Like, it is so inspirational.

Did Norm McDonald hid it from everybody?

And

Black Panther.

Oh, Wakanda.

Yeah.

He also hid that he was black for years.

No, he didn't.

Oh, okay.

How is he in Black Panther if he was hiding that he was black?

I don't know.

That's the blackest movie of all time.

What was his name again?

Chad.

Prince Ali.

Wonder is he?

Oh, Ali.

Chadwick Boseman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Apparently, like, some of his co-stars on some projects

were talking shit about him for being a diva because he'd have acupuncturists and he'd have all these people coming in.

And they all thought he was just a celebrity diva.

And they didn't realize that it was all just cancer treatment.

He was dying.

One of my favorite foot-and-mouth moments, I think.

And I forget how close in timing it was but it was jamie kilstein tweeted something shitty about the amazing jonathan like right before he either announced he had cancer or like right i can't remember if he announced he had cancer or he just died suddenly and it was like oh he had actually had cancer but it was just like the week before jamie kilstein what did he say i don't know he was like go see the amazing fucking jonathan or some shit like that or whatever you know been doing like that i do cool comedy for yeah this guy does amazing magic and he's funny yeah people love him yeah somebody makes people happy somebody was telling me they opened for Michael Winslow yeah recently and he had cancer maybe it was the guy maybe it was Matt Brown who hosted Ed McGooby's very funny guy

I think it was him but I don't want to misattribute the story and he said he opened for Michael Winslow I'm like dude awesome That's sick.

And then I was having trouble paying attention to the rest of the story because I was drunk and just imagining myself at a Michael Winslow show having a good time.

But he was like, yeah, it was like they were just, the audience audience hated.

It was all black people.

They were booing him and throwing shit at Michael Winslow.

That's so sad.

Yeah.

That is so sad.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Michael Winslow is a...

That breaks my heart.

I know.

I like want to cry right now.

I know.

He's a good man.

Yeah.

He's just doing like beep, beep, boops.

Yeah.

Can you imagine?

And he's from the 80s.

He's like, he's from Police Academy.

Can you imagine?

He's still doing his noises.

You're like some hood black person.

You want to go see comedy.

You're just flaming him.

You're going there because you you think it's just

what you expect out of a black comedian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is like, if the pussy doesn't, if the pussy, yeah, yeah.

And the pussy, because I'll tell you what the pussy is.

Yeah.

And then instead, you get some retarded guy doing R2D2 for two hours.

Oh my God.

Poor guy.

Yeah.

That is so funny.

Boo!

Boo!

Talk about the pussy.

Yeah.

Dude, y'all ever ride in an elevator?

No!

Fuck you!

Fuck you, Michael Wislow.

Oh, poor guy.

Oh, my God.

That's really sad.

I hope he's happy.

Yeah.

He's more talented than me.

He can do impressive things that no one else can do.

Yeah, good thing,

I bet Christina Applegate is doing a lot better than she would be doing if her name was Christina PC Gate.

Can you imagine how many more viruses she'd have other than MS if she was Christina Windows Gate instead of Christina Applegate?

Yeah,

that's pretty good.

Christina Windows 95 gate.

Yeah.

What if she was Christina Watergate?

She's like, I'm not a rock.

I'm not a robot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is she is Christina?

Um

Christina Turner.

Oh.

She's like, can I always say that she's like, I'm getting my ass beat.

I don't know if that was her.

Christina Turner.

She's getting her ass beat by her husband.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

What if?

Yeah.

Still podcasting after all these years.

Still

podcasting.

Selma Blair supports Christina Applegate amid multiple sclerosis.

I love how when women stick together.

But what does that mean?

Supports her.

Yeah.

Like that's a news article.

Yeah.

Christina Applegate has multiple sclerosis.

Let's go to now we go live to Selma

to say anything.

Selma Blair is being nice to a lady that just found out she's sick.

Yeah.

The duo were co-stars in a 2002 romantic comedy, and now they're bonding even further as friends after Applegate revealed earlier this week she has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, the same disease that Blair has been fighting.

Oh, that's why.

Oh, okay.

That's why.

I guess it makes sense.

Yeah.

How about the Selma Blair Witch Project?

How about Selma

Blair, Alabama?

Yeah.

And she's like, y'all, I got multiple sclerosis.

I got all the damn sclerosis.

Y'all may have one.

I got multiple.

You may only have one.

That got me good.

But when it comes to me, you know I'll be having all the sclerosis.

I can't stop laughing at that.

at that leaked uh i wrote i wrote a sketch when i was like 18 that's a doctor telling

like a couple that their kid has multiple sclerosis.

And the doctor's like,

or the father will be like,

how many?

Yeah, what's the next beat?

It's kind of like a

10-second sketch.

The budget is $150,000.

Just me writing that into cell text.

Yeah, yeah.

Interior.

Yeah, yeah.

Doctor's office.

How many?

And scene.

Yeah,

I'm going to be on SNL.

Yeah, you're going to make it one day, dude.

Yeah.

One day we're going to get the finally get there.

You've been hanging out at SNL.

I go.

I go a lot.

You go to those SNL after parties.

Yeah, I've been going a lot.

Not me, dude.

I'm too punk rock for that shit.

No, dude.

I I just wanna I hang out with the other anti-foot comedians.

Who?

You know who.

Which one?

Oh, you know who.

You know which ones I hang out with.

Oh, Fidance?

Yeah, Ian Fidance.

Who keeps asking to come on the show?

Hmm.

Okay.

Yeah, should we have him back on?

We'll leave that.

We'll do an audience poll.

No, it's it's the Adam Friedland show.

Do you want Ian Fidance on the show?

He's listening.

He's not listening.

Yeah, that's true he's not listening.

Yeah.

He's smoking cigarettes.

And listening to a scar.

Yeah.

And swiping through Grinder.

Yeah.

Ska.

Ska, Scott, Tekhan.

Yeah, he's listening to Scott Kahn.

Ska Takan.

What if it was Scott Kahn?

And he was the son of the late James Kahn.

Yeah.

And he was 5'2 ⁇ .

Yeah.

And

he rapped.

Yeah.

And he was in oceans.

How about little St.

James Kahn?

and it's a movie thief and he's like, listen, I'm a pedophile.

I have sex with kids.

It's an island.

It's an $18 billion island.

I'm friends with Bill Clinton.

Yeah.

I'd see that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

What if it was um

what if it was uh George George

Bill George Bill Clinton?

Instead of George Floyd?

Instead of Bill Clinton.

Instead of George Floyd.

Yeah.

And

instead of having

that Senate and

House of Representatives,

he had a Parliament

of Funkadalia.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like the cigarettes.

Yeah, but speaking of like...

of abusive musicians, you know that all the guys from Parliament left

James Brown's band because he just beat all of them.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Bootsy Collins was like, yeah, he was just beating me up.

He was like, beat us all up.

That's funny.

Imagine Bootsy Collins just coming in his pants while being beaten up by this guy's like, ah!

Bootsy Collins, he's like a pig.

He's just been having an orgasm for the last 45 years.

Why is he like, oh, because he comes long.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy's cool.

Yeah.

I like his sunglasses, his star sunglasses.

That's a cool look.

You should get a pair of those.

Oh, I would love to.

Should I get, like, for my prescription eyeglasses, should I get like a tinted?

That's what I did.

I know, but should I go with a color?

You mean copy me?

No, I'd do a color.

You mean copy me?

No, I'd get like blue.

Mean copy me.

Should I get rose?

You mean Steven style?

You want to do Steven style?

No, Steven has like

shape, like

just gray or whatever.

Copying Steven.

I do a gradient.

I have a gray, I have gradient shades

that I wear.

You copy me all the time.

I have never copied you guys.

I've never copied a single thing.

I found love.

You try to find love.

I got a station wagon.

You got a station wagon.

Now that we found love, I got a PlayStation wagon.

It's different.

What if it was a PlayStation wagon?

What if, dude, instead of George Floyd?

Instead of George Floyd.

That's pretty good.

We're 35 and we are in the primes of our lives.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

We're going to do this shit again.

We'll be 70 years old.

Think back.

Think back to where it all started.

Do you remember being like four?

I remember a couple things.

Yeah.

You're going to do that whole run.

And I think back.

It's like, what did I do?

It's like, I guess I got pubes and I went to Mongolian barbecue a couple of times.

I made a million dollars.

About now.

Yeah.

What am I going to do over the next 30 years?

A lot of sesame street for sure.

I mean, you're not, you can't stop.

Can you imagine how racist and backwards I'm going to seem in 35 years?

Yeah.

Maybe you'll just go to like Gervais.

I mean, it's like a hack bit.

Maybe you'll go to Gervais, I think.

Every comedian's.

You'll just get breasts and start asking people if you're offending them.

Every comedian has that joke about like, oh, how, how, you know, how backwards are we going to seem?

Yeah, everyone, I mean, not even comedians.

comedians, everyone says that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, me in particular.

It is going to be annoying when our kids are like, I want to fuck the computer.

Yeah.

We'll just be like, can't you be just regular trans?

I'm not going to pay attention to anything.

I'm going to be one of those dads that just

has nothing but like

just clothes that

make it clear that I'm always escaping my family with fishing.

Oh,

I'm going to go golf.

No, I'll never play golf.

We should play golf, dude.

And I won't even fish.

I'll just go out on the lake in the boat.

I can see you getting into fishing.

Fishing's nice.

It's fun.

Fishing's nice.

It is really nice.

Yeah.

But it would be tough with the drinking thing.

Why?

Because

those two things kind of go hand in hand.

So I would drink.

Yeah, you would have to.

Yeah.

It's a drinking sport.

Like, oh, dad's out on the boat again, and you can see me, because the lake is only 15 square feet.

So I'm just completely nude in a

in like a rubber rubber ducky inner tube with my PS out.

I'm fucking fishing.

Yep.

I'm fishing it out here.

Yeah, and your kids are like, my father is a good man.

Yeah.

He's a good man.

He's a private dancer.

He's a private dancer, a dancer for money.

Yeah.

Once I got a different time.

Once I I got out of the police force, I became a private dancer.

'Cause I was I was confused at the job application place where you

And

I meant to put down private I, but I put down private dancer.

What about a noir movie about a private dancer?

So people come into my office and they fuck me for cash.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey,

what'll it be, pal?

You got a mystery I can solve?

No, it says private dancer on the I just wanted you to dance for me.

I was wondering if you could put on this neglige and let me uh fuck your ass.

Yeah, I wonder.

Well,

I guess the business cards are already printed, so I don't have much of a choice, do I?

Just like jazz, just sticky jazz music playing.

Yeah, he's just doing the dance like the the True Lies dance or Jamie Lee Curtis.

Just another day as a private dancer here in nineteen forties Los Angeles.

One of these days a mystery might walk into that office because they confuse the words the same way I did.

But until then,

it's just another week.

Sucking Sucking dick.

Tune in next week, The Private Dancer.

Are you done?

No, I was just checking.

Oh, okay.

We can be done.

Okay.

Guys.

I got to go beyond.

I have to go.

Guys, we got some shit that's coming out in the next couple of weeks.

Next week, let's say

that we're excited about.

We should make sure that it even edits together.

I'm going over to Stevens later.

I'm going to go through with him.

Yeah.

All right, guys.

Thanks again for listening.

We love you, the audience.

We love each each other.

Say you love me, Nick.

We love you, Adam and Christina Applegate.

All right.

I love you too, Nick.

Bye.

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