Ep. CCT – Camera Test

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Speaker 1 You're listening to the Adam Friedland Show. I'm your guest host, Alec Baldwin.

Speaker 1 I heard that you sent a woman to suck my dick. Is that true? I've been re-watching clips from the shadow trying to dial in the Alec Baldwin voice while I still have it.

Speaker 1 I'm hoping this isn't permanent. I talked to a woman recently, last night, who told me she had laryngitis for two and a half months.
And I don't know if I can do that.

Speaker 1 and continue to do my job, which is

Speaker 1 run my mouth for a living, unless I can dial in in this Alec Baldwin voice

Speaker 1 but it's slipping further away I'm becoming more Winnie the Pooh less Alec Baldwin every minute

Speaker 1 and maybe I can make Winnie the Pooh work

Speaker 1 I'm thinking I'm thinking I start dressing up like Winnie the Pooh and I gain hundreds of pounds and I go on stage with just a shirt on and my penis and legs covered in honey and

Speaker 1 and then I act really cute I act like it's a cute thing to just sexually assault,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 well, my show, maybe 25, 30 people, however many came out for, you know, early show Saturday.

Speaker 1 Let's say total 67 people over eight shows for an entire weekend. That's about how many tickets I'm selling these days.

Speaker 1 And I go,

Speaker 1 oh, oh, bother.

Speaker 1 Oh, bother, I'm so bothered by my inability to get pussy. If someone could please

Speaker 1 if someone could please

Speaker 1 do my poo.

Speaker 1 Everybody do the poo. That's going to be my catchphrase.
And Adam is back with the water.

Speaker 1 You got a fresh pulling spring.

Speaker 1 How's that water?

Speaker 1 It's good. Did you put a new

Speaker 1 bottle in there? No, it just started coming out faster. I thought the bottle was done.

Speaker 1 Oh. Did you switch it? I didn't switch it.
I switched it last week. Maybe the ghost switched it.
I don't know if I want to do the reveal too early, but.

Speaker 1 No, we don't want to spoil the ghost thing. Yeah, people don't know that the studio is haunted.
It's haunted by the uh Central Park V.

Speaker 1 Are they dead? No, I don't think. They're probably our age.

Speaker 1 Uh no, I think they're a little bit older. No, they were accused when they were like six, seven years old.
Were they six-year-olds? It was well, the rape happened at 3:30 in the afternoon. And

Speaker 1 and uh and about two and a half miles away,

Speaker 1 there was a little lea there was a Dominican Little League game. And Danny Almonte was arrested.
And they said, yeah, these are the guys that did it.

Speaker 1 So they said they were six and seven, but they were actually 19 years old. Yeah, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, folks.
I will be in Minneapolis this weekend

Speaker 1 starting tomorrow, Thursday night, Thursday through Saturday. Minneapolis, they call it.
The Minnea Apple. The Minneapolis.
Is that what they call it?

Speaker 1 I think in Fargo, I think that people

Speaker 1 outside say, oh, Minneapolis.

Speaker 1 You're not going to be in St. Paul.
Yeah. And why is it so hot in here?

Speaker 1 We had the radiators plugged. I turned the radiator off in the office, and it's a fucking tropical rainforest in there.

Speaker 1 It's still like 150 degrees in the house. It's so hot in there.
Yeah. But it's nice out here.
It's kind of cozy out there. I could turn the air conditioner on.

Speaker 1 I mean, the inside air conditioner? Yeah. Not the one that leaks.

Speaker 1 I don't, yeah. The left one, not the right.
think I fixed the one that leaks. I don't trust them.
You don't trust them though? Now that we have this stuff here, I don't, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Folks, Act Me Comedy Club this weekend. I'll be there.
The Looney Tunes Comedy Club. I'll be there all week.

Speaker 1 Is this playing? We're I'm gonna record it. Yeah, I don't know if I'll be able.
We got the cameras rolling. The set is not done entirely.
Well, we're not lit.

Speaker 1 And yeah, it's not lit, and then also there's some just some stuff missing.

Speaker 1 So this is coming out tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and and I wanna do like a little like uh just a test to see how it looks yeah cut it together get an idea of uh where the cameras are going to be it's pretty exciting it is exciting is ed gonna be around next week monday monday yeah he said he come monday afternoon awesome yeah okay and there's no jewish holidays i don't know because that could things up for us why you would know better than i would well if we need to rent any type of film equipment in the city it can't be on a jewish holiday apparently

Speaker 1 that's true they don't know about this outside new york there's too many Jews in New York City. Oh, no.
He's back. Anti-Semitic.
Alec Baldwin.

Speaker 1 I've been wondering recently, maybe this Donald Trump guy is actually Jewish. It doesn't sound like Alec Baldwin anymore.
No, you lost it. No, it's Cry Macho.
Dude, it was so funny.

Speaker 1 I love this Nick.

Speaker 1 I met your dad asked me to come to Mexico to find you.

Speaker 1 Did you watch Cry Macho? He said the only way, the only way you'd come back is if a 183-year-old man

Speaker 1 came down here and tried to purchase you up that movie doesn't make any sense did you watch you watched it well i have paid attention to it it's very funny yeah yeah he just waddles around mexico yeah and kicks people's asses like i was at open and it's like 1971 right and he's doing the rodeo and then it says 850 years later

Speaker 1 and then we see him

Speaker 1 And fucking Dwight Yoakum.

Speaker 1 Dude, that would be a great guest for the show. Dwight Yoakum? I would love that.
He should be a permanent fixture on the show. He should be on the show.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I honestly, if he wanted to make it the Dwight Yoakum show,

Speaker 1 I would humbly. I'm surprised.

Speaker 1 After I get the Adam Friedland show off the ground, turn this into the best talk show anyone's seen. I'm ditching your ass.
I'm finding Dwight Yoakum, and I'm creating the even greatest

Speaker 1 radio talk show that anyone's ever seen. Honestly.
The Dwight Yoakum show on Sirius XM. Society XM.
It's video and it's on public access. Yeah.
And it has nothing to do with Siri XM.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We're gonna say that this is the NPR official Adam Freeland Show and have nothing to do with NPR. Yeah.
We're gonna get sued by those pussies. What's with the backwards N in Hebrew?

Speaker 1 Is that sort of like a fuck you? No, that's that's Cyrillic. That's that's like a fuck you.
That's Russian and Greek. No, they have it in Hebrew also.

Speaker 1 The backwards N, for sure.

Speaker 1 Oh, the chet. No, it's a chet.
A het? Oh, remember you heard me speak Hebrew the other day? I want to put a hat on. To Thomas's girlfriend? I want to put on my little chet.

Speaker 1 My chet. No, it's the ch letter.
They have two ch letters.

Speaker 1 The audience is loving this.

Speaker 1 I bet there's going to be this one guy that comes to your show. He wrote a really cool email about how we should build a studio in St.
Paul, Minneapolis, and the Twin Cities. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he seems to be a racist. Yeah.
Yeah. What makes you think he's a racist? Well, I can find his email if you want.
What did it say?

Speaker 1 This is talking about how w we're why are we spending all this money building our studio in a cesspool

Speaker 1 revolting cesspool city? Yeah, why are we not doing it in St. Paul?

Speaker 1 Minni Minneapolis, St. Paul.
I wonder what the hell that would look like.

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody, it's the Adam Friedland show. I can't breathe.

Speaker 1 That's Minneapolis's catchphrase. Live Live from the George Floyd studio.
Yeah. In 30.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a tough one. It's going to be a tough hour.
What? Oh, with your voice? Yeah, my voice, and I'm just burning the fuck out, dude. This is the last weekend.

Speaker 1 Hopefully we begin for a week. No, you have three more weekends after this.
No, I get a break for a week, and I'm sleeping the entire fucking time. Don't we have that thing next weekend? What thing?

Speaker 1 The thing. The big thing.
Well, we have to. I mean, if we can get it done, you know.
We can do it. No, we're going to get it done.
All right. There's no if we can.
We're going to get it done.

Speaker 1 All right, we'll get it done.

Speaker 1 They're dying for it. They're going to love it.

Speaker 1 Should I find this asshole's email?

Speaker 1 Now I'm admitting that I read the emails. I'll just go ahead and

Speaker 1 I'll just run the show for a second here while you do the email thing. So I went to, we got a little DVD player for the office.

Speaker 1 I thought, you know, something bigger than that would be too much of a distraction, but it's nice to put on DVDs in the background. We got a CRT television.

Speaker 1 I got a cheap, shitty CRT television off Craigslist. I got a DVD player, and I said, this is it.
That's the only entertainment we're having in here. The rest of it's for work.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I re-watched Training Day

Speaker 1 the other night. And that movie really makes no goddamn sense.
None of that. Great movie.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's truly insane. I mean, there's obvious stuff that was like, you know, any time you see it, you're like, all right, this is kind of ridiculous.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 With like the Mexican guy that's hired to kill him, and he's like, oh, your sister. There's probably 800 million Mexican people in Los Angeles.
I mean, I guess they're all each other's little cousin.

Speaker 1 So maybe, maybe that is plausible. But like, I mean, the whole thing is fucking insane.
Alonzo,

Speaker 1 he's going to be killed by the Russian mob, and he's got to do anything he can.

Speaker 1 That's probably where they started writing the thing, right? He's this crooked cop that has an expensive weekend in Vegas. Right.
And he's got it. He's got a.
He is a trainee who is.

Speaker 1 He's got one day. But what doesn't make any sense.
Like, why the fuck would that be the day he's like, oh, yeah, I guess I'll also take this trainee on.

Speaker 1 Like on the day that I'm running around committing a bunch of fucking crimes. Oh.
It doesn't, like, there's no, it's not, he doesn't need that guy there. There's no reason for it.

Speaker 1 The entire movie is... The premise of it is insane.
Great movie, though. But anyways, what I was going to say, you're still looking for the email.

Speaker 1 It's not even that good of an email.

Speaker 1 We're not going to release a video. Of what? Of this.
Of this? No. Yeah, probably not.
No, because it will blow our load. It will.
Maybe down the line, if you want to go to patreon.com slash T A F S.

Speaker 1 T A F S, once the show is launched and up and running, we'll do this as like,

Speaker 1 you know, kind of a work in progress sort of thing. I'd look back, look back at the show.

Speaker 1 We should have done a docuser.

Speaker 1 There's too many documentaries nowadays. No, people love documentaries.
I don't.

Speaker 1 I'm no more. I'm no more process bullshit.
Only finished products. I like that, actually.

Speaker 1 I don't want to see how they made the

Speaker 1 Starship Enterprise. You know who ruined that for everybody? That show How It's Made.

Speaker 1 They thought everybody wanted to know how everything's fucking made. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like believing in magic. For a while, they were right.

Speaker 1 How about coming up on how it's made, a baby?

Speaker 1 The penis goes into the vagina and moves back and forth.

Speaker 1 How it's made fucking factory music? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then the penis busts.

Speaker 1 Then they bust into the pussy. The cum is made in the balls.

Speaker 1 Then it shoots out the cock. Coming up on how it's made, come.

Speaker 1 the little boy's balls grow bigger and drop further away from his body during a process called puberty.

Speaker 1 Some kid crying. He's just strapped to a wall.
He's got him crucified against a wall while moving. He's in a dungeon.
Will they do bullet time around his penis and balls as they get bigger?

Speaker 1 He'll be badass. Yeah, they do time-lapse bullet time.

Speaker 1 They're just feeding him through a straw. Yeah, 360.
Yeah. He's crying.
They feed him like a Taiwanese pig. You're like, we need this time-lapse of your balls and pubes coming in.

Speaker 1 The boy also gets fatter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When did you get pubic?

Speaker 1 I don't know. A couple years ago.
Yeah, me too. I got him late.

Speaker 1 I was so jealous. I couldn't grow like a real beard until I was like 27.
I still can't. Yeah.
Yeah. You're done now.
It's not happening. I don't think it's going to happen.

Speaker 1 I remember being like 21, 22. Yeah.
And I could only grow like a mustache and like a goatee. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, fuck, I'll never be able to grow a beard.

Speaker 1 And I had friends that were older. They're like, yeah, yeah, you can't grow a beard until you're like 30.
I'm like, that's not how that works. You have puberty.

Speaker 1 There were kids in seventh grade with beards. Right.
And then they were right. Turns out, yeah, it is how it works.
Not even for me. Yeah.
What is it? Now I can do all the dumb facial hairs. I know.

Speaker 1 You have a really cool version of Nick right now. No, I know.
Well, Mr. Las Vegas.

Speaker 1 You have the Las Vegas apparel. Yeah.
You have the.

Speaker 1 I should have gotten pajama bottoms. I should have showed up, but the Las Vegas backpack pajama bottoms.
You have the Gambler style,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 1887 facial hair. Yeah.
What is it? What is that?

Speaker 1 What would you call that style? These are friendlies. Friendlies? Yeah, you call these friendlies.
It's kind of like mutton chops connected into a handlebar mustache. Yeah, it's friendlies.

Speaker 1 That's pretty cool. You should go mutton.
I don't know about that.

Speaker 1 We could do like a Ken Burns thing. That's still a weird.
That's still like bicycle guy look. There were presidents that had that.
Yeah. Martin Van Buren had that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Martin Van Buren was a barista. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Martin Van Buren worked at a record store and was a barista. Yeah, he was a barbarist.
On the weekends.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was that, and then and then you, and then you have this voice now.

Speaker 1 Brandon Wardell, I think, probably spent the last six years terrified of you until Monday night. And he's like, Nick is just so nice.
Why would that sound like Woody the Pooh? Because it's the voice.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
You couldn't even be mean to him. You couldn't even be like, where's your, where's, why aren't you wearing all purple right now?

Speaker 1 I was teasing him when I got to L.A. because

Speaker 1 I've told him in the past that he wears too much purple stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's your line, that's not mine. Well, we could share it.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't finish telling my story. Oh, yeah, go off.
You're at Barnes and Nobles. Wait, listen, like I said, it's going to be a rough hour.

Speaker 1 Of today?

Speaker 1 For tonight, yeah. It's going to be a rough one.
Don't say, you always curse it

Speaker 1 before it's ready. What do you mean I curse it? Just say it's this is going to be bad.
Don't do that.

Speaker 1 All right, fine. This is gonna be the greatest episode.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay, whatever. No, yeah, he was wearing a purple jacket, and I was like, oh, damn.
Look, it's Borney the dinosaur, Borney, and he got upset. Have you ever watched Barney the Dinosaur?

Speaker 1 For black people.

Speaker 1 They got Barney for black people now.

Speaker 1 Bebop is named him. Turn Barney off.

Speaker 1 Bonnie's for closes.

Speaker 1 What's your name, Levine?

Speaker 1 You call yourself a baby, you piece of shit.

Speaker 1 There's just a bunch of babies in an office.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we should do an all-kids shot-for-shot remake.

Speaker 1 I wanted to do that. That was 10 years, 15 years ago.
I was trying to find a children's theater to put on a

Speaker 1 children's theater performance.

Speaker 1 Turn that Bonnie off.

Speaker 1 Bonnie's for closes.

Speaker 1 A, A, B,

Speaker 1 B, C,

Speaker 1 C.

Speaker 1 The alphabet.

Speaker 1 These are the first three letters that you have to learn.

Speaker 1 That's pretty smart. We should do a full episode of the talk show with baby.
What I like about it, too, is people forget in the ABC speech. There's also AIDA.

Speaker 1 What's the second part? I don't know. Always be closing.
It's always be closing.

Speaker 1 A, I, D, A.

Speaker 1 Auto. I, immune D deficiency asexual A

Speaker 1 intersex

Speaker 1 L G B T Q plus

Speaker 1 L lesbian B bisexual Barnes for lesbians G gay F fag

Speaker 1 T trans

Speaker 1 where's the F

Speaker 1 plus H I V positive

Speaker 1 right that's what the plus stands for. It's for paused up homeboys.

Speaker 1 First prize is a chew toy. Yeah.
Where's the DL? DL should be on there. Second prize, set of safety scissors.

Speaker 1 Third prize is you're fired from being a baby.

Speaker 1 Not allowed to be a baby anymore. Yeah, that's right.
We should get Alec Baldwin. I don't have to listen to this shit.
You sure don't, pal.

Speaker 1 Well behave, don't cry. fuck you, go home and play with your toys.

Speaker 1 I don't give a shit. Wait, we're doing 15 or 20.
What? For our

Speaker 1 friends. What friends? At dietsmoke.com.
Oh, 20 minutes, always. It's always 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 15 and 30.

Speaker 1 Not 20 and 40. That's why you're not a baby.
Yeah, that's why you're not a baby. That's why you're not cut out to be a baby.

Speaker 1 You sure don't, pal.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 Yeah, that would be a really good movie. Sucking Dick is for closes.

Speaker 1 Dude, Alec Baldwin is odd. I really had no appreciation for him until literally two days ago.
He's a great guy. Well, once you can talk like that, it's like, fuck.
Right. No one's standing up for him.

Speaker 1 Have I lost it now? It's gone now. You're like now a horse nick.
Damn. You didn't utilize it by getting pussy on Monday night.
I was trying to tell you

Speaker 1 you had to go MILF hunting on Monday night. I know I didn't do it.

Speaker 1 Now I go out. I'm like, do you want to make a baby? They're like, what are you doing? I'm like, don't I sound like Alec Baldwin?

Speaker 1 We should have gone to those. Is it gone? I can't hear.
It sounds like a little bit of a ball.

Speaker 1 It's less there. God damn it.
And you were doing the shadow nose on Monday. Oh, the shadow nose.
That's still there. He's still got that.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Put that coffee down.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. So it's just deeper.
It's just deeper. Coffee's for babies.
You could do

Speaker 1 whatever. You think I'm fucking with you? You can do Nick Nolty, baby.
I'm not fucking with you.

Speaker 1 Bonnie's for babies.

Speaker 1 Barney's for baby.

Speaker 1 Bonnie's for babies.

Speaker 1 Can you do Nick Nolte?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I think with a voice like that, you can try. Damn, I wish I had a cool voice.
You do right now. No, but I wish it was like cooler.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 No, you have a cool voice. You're very good at mimicry.
I know, but my regular speaking voice just goes back to, you know, it's like how it's made. I have a process voice.

Speaker 1 I don't have a finished product voice. Oh, by the way, thanks to everyone that came out to Funny Moms on Monday.
Our next Funny Moms is this next Monday. It's going to be a really good one.

Speaker 1 We have a good lineup booked.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets the 24th of October. It's going to be a spooky one.
And then a week from then,

Speaker 1 the 31st of October. Halloween.
It's Halloween. We should do number first.
Episode definitely just needs to be a Halloween special. Yes.
Let's just do that. Yeah, we're going to do it.

Speaker 1 Let's bang that one out. And then we can have our guest as the guest on the Halloween special.
Yes. Well, maybe.

Speaker 1 And not tell him it's a Halloween special. Maybe.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bonnie's for Bonnie's for babies. Try to scare him.
Yeah. Maybe do.

Speaker 1 Hey, boo.

Speaker 1 Who the hell is this guy? I'm a ghost, pal.

Speaker 1 I'm here from the cemetery, and I'm gay.

Speaker 1 I died of being gay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You want to talk about,

Speaker 1 friends? We got a little break here for a second. A little break here for a second.
We want to talk about our friends over at dietsmoke.com.

Speaker 1 What's diet smoke, Nick?

Speaker 1 Diet smoke is not even a smokable product. It's gummies.
It's gummies, so it's confusing.

Speaker 1 Diet smoke, their slogan is go on a diet, you fat bitch. I sell propane and propane accessories.

Speaker 1 Diet smoke. What's your name, Hank Hill? You call yourself a propane salesman, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 1 Diet Smoke, folks. You hear me, you fucking faggots? That's the best line in the movie.
You know why? How do you write that? Yeah, how do you come up with that? How do you come up with that?

Speaker 1 Diet Smoke sells an entire line of both Delta 8 and Delta 9 THC products. Right? I'm going to go to the shop section of their website and tell you what they got.
They have gummies.

Speaker 1 Delta 8 and Delta 9 gummies. in mango, cherry lime,

Speaker 1 watermelon, blue raspberry, peach. They have vapes, pineapple, watermelon, drinks, peach, lemon lime.

Speaker 1 They got some good fucking shit, guys, that's going to definitely get you a perfectly balanced buzz.

Speaker 1 Get your

Speaker 1 Jimmy's rustling.

Speaker 1 People used to say that. Folks, because as a result of section 297A from the 2018 Farm Bill, you can get this shit to get a balanced buzz on.
You don't need a prescription.

Speaker 1 You could skip a doctor visit.

Speaker 1 No prescription or medical marijuana card is required. It is hemp-derived.
Diet smoke is a product exclusively with American-grown hemp. That sounds pretty fucking good to me, dude.
Yeah, gummies.

Speaker 1 Gummies. Gummies are for babies.

Speaker 1 Diet smoke, it's for fat bitches.

Speaker 1 The THC that gives cannabis its popular and desired effects is technically called Delta 9 DOC. I'm Woonie the Pooh, and I'm like, I'm going to start calling my cock a Diet cock.

Speaker 1 Why? Because you're Woonie the Pooh? Because it's small. Does poo bear have smaller?

Speaker 1 My shit ain't small. I got a diet cock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they say my penis on a diet. Any ladies trying to be on a lung diet?

Speaker 1 You know, something like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's go out and try to go MILF hunting with that line. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I hope my fucking plane crashes tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Why do you want to crash? I mean, I'm just surviving. So dramatic.
Of course he'll survive. Yeah.
He'll eat people. And then I'd be in Bioshock.
That'd be pretty badass.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the plane gets diverted and it crashes in the jungle. It's hatch it.
What I want to happen is hatch it. They find Nick in the middle of the jungle.
You just have a serene look on your face.

Speaker 1 I come out, I've been in the woods for six months. They find me.
Yeah. And somehow I've gained hundreds of pounds.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I somehow got fat as shit in the woods. Yeah, because

Speaker 1 you ate the fat bitches on the plane. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you used the sub-zero temperatures to freeze the meat. At

Speaker 1 At dietsmoke.com.

Speaker 1 How many gummies should you take? If it's your first time using the THC, start with half a gummy. I don't know.
Let's ask Mr. Owl.

Speaker 1 If this isn't your first rodeo, you should be fine starting with a whole gummy.

Speaker 1 It takes up to an hour to experience the full effect of Diet Smoke. So start slow, just like fucking.
If you're a regular user of THC products, Delta 9 THC gummies may be your favorite product.

Speaker 1 Go to this website. You can get this shit.
It tastes good. It smokes good.

Speaker 1 Tastes good.

Speaker 1 You don't smoke it. It's a gummy.
Yeah. They also have a different company that, same sponsor, but different company that has smokables, but they like to keep their shit discreet.

Speaker 1 Nice little separation between church and state. Alec Baldwin, you've spent your entire life talking like this.
Now you're you're going to teach me how to do it or I'll suck your cock.

Speaker 1 What happened to his brothers? They're not working anymore? Danny and Stephen and Billy. Billy?

Speaker 1 There's three of them, right?

Speaker 1 There were three. I always included Ed Burns in the Baldwin brothers.
Yeah, he was like the

Speaker 1 sheen.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the fourth. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The rest of them were Estabeth. One of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life, Howard Kramer.
Yeah. said

Speaker 1 Ed Burns movies are like if a construction worker tried to make a Woody Allen film. That's really good.
It's hilarious. It's very good.
It's spot on. That's very good.
Yeah. What happened to that guy?

Speaker 1 That guy was funny. Ed Burns? No, Howard Kramer.
Howard Kramer? Yeah. I think he's one of those guys who just stayed in LA.
And I mean, what else are you going to fucking do? No.

Speaker 1 You want to know how fucking bad our careers are going to be in 15 years? Well, I thought I think we're I thought we're going to be tied up.

Speaker 1 No, we're going to be like trying to to to cozy up to some 20 year old that has like a virtual reality show.

Speaker 1 We have to like we have to figure out how to do like uplink comedy Can you explain it to me? I'm just trying to jam a giant needle into the back of my head and they're like he's doing it wrong

Speaker 1 I'm like I really should have just died in that fucking plane crash. Yeah, yeah in min in Minnesota in the Minnesota wilderness because we're not like good comics like us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, we I thought we're the some of the best no we make we make a pretty shitty product that has outlived its time for sure.

Speaker 1 It's like you know it there's a thing you know, it's not a shitty product. I mean,

Speaker 1 would you say Family Guy is a shitty show? No. We're kind of like the Family Guy of Podcasts.
The Shamly Guy. We're the Shamly Guys of Podcast.
It's a Freudian slip. Yeah.
We are Sham.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
So you're experiencing imposter syndrome now that the studio is finished? No, no, I'm not an imposter. No, I'm not an imposter either.
I'm Mr. Las Vegas himself.
No, you're not.

Speaker 1 Can you please stop? Yes, I am, boy. People call me Mr.
Las Vegas. You better not.

Speaker 1 You better show some respect to Mr. Las Vegas.
So what happened to you when you were at Barnes and Nobles? Let me tell you something. Oh, go ahead.
I want to behoove on you to respect that title, Mr.

Speaker 1 Las Vegas. Okay.
Because I may be Mr. Las Vegas, but you're the one rolling dice right now.
I'm Mr. Las Vegas.
You're the one rolling dice right now. Did you

Speaker 1 never had a gambling problem? No. You seem like a guy that would have a gambling problem.
Never. Unless you count hundreds of thousands of dollars in cryptocurrency.
Yeah. Unless you count...

Speaker 1 And hidden it raw. Yeah, yeah.
Unless you count, yeah, reckless behavior. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Busting inside. Yeah.
I don't have a gambling problem unless you include

Speaker 1 doing a bunch of amphetamines and watching all of the show Doug in a hotel room.

Speaker 1 I went on one of my classic Doug benders. Dude, you don't want to see Nick during a Doug bender? Yeah.
They find me in a hotel room, just season 17 of Doug.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like, they're about to run out of death. I've got a tamp.
My body's, I've been dead for weeks. I'm completely nude.

Speaker 1 There's just needles in my arms, and the IVs are going up to a VHS player.

Speaker 1 And he's been watching Doug for weeks.

Speaker 1 His family had no idea he was so into Doug.

Speaker 1 You're wearing a pair of Ray-Ban wafers. You look like weekended Bernie's.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm in the hotel room like, oh, he's fine. He's watching Doug.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 A famous actor, they just find him. He's in a motel somewhere watching baby movies.

Speaker 1 He was addicted to Barney.

Speaker 1 Hollywood actor Alec Baldwin passed away in mysterious circumstances. They found him in a hotel room

Speaker 1 with Barney playing on the TV with over

Speaker 1 $1,610,000 worth of Barney VHS tapes. He left a note behind that says he doesn't like baby stuff.

Speaker 1 Dying in shame, Alec Baldwin discovered nude surrounded by Barney VHS tapes in an Econo lodge in Corpus Christi.

Speaker 1 I would be sad. What? If I died and then everyone found out I liked Barney.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would hope that my friends and family would stick to the line. Just

Speaker 1 be like, he never liked that stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to Ireland. I'm going to make enough money to go to Ireland.
I want to go bad, dude. I'm going to buy the Barney Stone and I'm going to rename it the Barney Stone.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to be like, yeah, cool. Why don't you come check this out if you're a fucking baby?

Speaker 1 Yeah, a cool place to hang if you're a fucking baby, maybe.

Speaker 1 Just ruin their culture. This was one of the most important things to us.
Our favorite stone has been renamed. They've ruined our stone.
Now everyone thinks Ireland's for babies.

Speaker 1 Fucking lucky charms eating piece of shit. Dude, you're hating on your own people.
Come on, bro. Put the lucky charms down.
I want to see you more proud to be Irish. Bonnie's for Alec.

Speaker 1 I want you to come in with like... This is Alec Baldman and

Speaker 1 He's cinching up a tie around his neck and masturbating in a hotel room to Barney. He's going, Barney's for Alec.

Speaker 1 You call yourself...

Speaker 1 You call yourself an actor, you piece of shit.

Speaker 1 You can't even watch Barney.

Speaker 1 You're too scared of Barney to even finish watching a single episode. You've never finished one episode.
This is why Kim left you.

Speaker 1 You don't know who Beba is. This is why your daughter won't speak to you, Alec, because you're too scared to even finish an episode of Bonnie.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 You got to be more proud to be Irish, dude.

Speaker 1 I'd like to see you.

Speaker 1 Pride is a sin, dude. You know how, like, when Bonnie...
You know me, I'm Tradcath.

Speaker 1 I'm Tradcath.

Speaker 1 Slut. Yeah, just a bunch of Roman numerals.
Yeah. I'm changing my Twitter avatar to a picture of a painting.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 A painting of a guy from... A

Speaker 1 stained glass window avatar. Yeah.
And I get into arguments with other fags about the church you change u's to v's yeah yeah

Speaker 1 about the damn church the chorch the choich

Speaker 1 dude why are people becoming catholic they don't even sing amazing grace in catholics it would be less embarrassing if they just earnestly got into barney Yeah, Barney would be tighter. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They sing, they have great tracks on Barney. Just crying at the Barney stone.
Clean up.

Speaker 1 I had an experience at the Barney stone.

Speaker 1 To return. Yeah, I really felt like a baby.
My grandfather, he got cancer. We went back to Ireland so he can finally see the Barney Stone for the first time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they changed.

Speaker 1 He wanted to see the Blarney Stone and then it turns out they changed the name. They changed it to the Barney Stone.
And then he died right there. And then.
Yeah, I'll tell you this.

Speaker 1 It's a shame because we don't have another person here because they would laugh at it. I'm just going to tell you this story.
I'll laugh. You're going to react.
I'll fake laugh.

Speaker 1 I'll do it for the audience.

Speaker 1 I went to Barnes and Noble because Barnes and Noble is the only place you can get DVDs now. Or at least, you know, in the neighborhood.
You go shop, you go find some. Sick of Big Blu-ray, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was looking for Drop Dead Gorgeous on DVD. Great movie.
It's a hilarious movie. Great movie.
Amber had two DVDs when we lived together. She had Slapshot and

Speaker 1 two great DVDs. Slapshot and Drop Dead Gorgeous.
Drop Dead Gorgeous, but we didn't have a DVD player, so there's no way to watch it. I always thought that was a Christopher Guest movie.

Speaker 1 What, for a year? No.

Speaker 1 Drop Dead Gorgeous. It's got similar.
But I always thought it was, but it wasn't. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just Will Sasso reading for that. They're like, yeah, we're looking for a fat retard.

Speaker 1 Your character is a

Speaker 1 character is a fat retard. He's a fat, retarded person.

Speaker 1 That's what comedy was.

Speaker 1 People act like I'm a bad guy, and it's like, no, I just paid attention. Dude,

Speaker 1 I've been watching a lot of Happy Madison slash Kevin James movies recently, and

Speaker 1 that is what a comedy was forever. Yeah, they took it from us, we're and we're giving it back, folks.
Yeah, anyway, you're at Barnes.

Speaker 1 I went to Barney's and Noble, uh, it's the baby version, Barn and Barnes and Noble.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you know, I'm gonna make a million dollars, I'm gonna buy Barnes and Noble, and I'm gonna change the name to Barney, yeah, Barney's Noble, readings for babies, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, cool place to buy, but just hang out outside, nice place buying a book for a baby, maybe.

Speaker 1 When are you buying fucking Good Night Moon? You fucking baby, yeah, Yeah. Good night, getting pussy ever for you.
Yeah, you're a fucking baby. Do you remember what you said last time we're at Barnes?

Speaker 1 No. When you were like, I'm just going to.
I'm just Barnes and Noble. Just for me.
Just for the sake of me. Barnes and Noble? No, just for the sake of me, just say the whole name.

Speaker 1 Don't call it Barnes. No reason for that.
That was pretty good of me to do. You don't have to.
Last time when you were there, you were like, anytime you text me, there was a lulling conversation.

Speaker 1 Anytime you text me, I want to meet you at the stew instead of just saying the studio or the office. But it's cool to say the stew.
No, I just got to block you. I block you.

Speaker 1 I block you like three or four times a day. Oh, you should keep that to yourself.
Okay. Now that I know that, it really hurts my feelings.
Oh, it hurts

Speaker 1 fees.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it hurts my fee fees, dude. No, not fee fees.
You'd say fees. My feel.
My feels.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But when there was like a lulling conversation, we were buying Michael, and you just looked at me, you're like, maybe I'm just going to date a fucking nerd.

Speaker 1 That'd be cool, dude. Yeah, just be like, yeah, you're a fucking nerd.
What are you you doing, you fucking nerd?

Speaker 1 Shut up. Shut up, you fucking nerd.
You're a fucking nerd girlfriend, dude. Dude, she's a fucking nerd.
What are you going to drop a bunch of books? Yeah, but good hang. Yeah, it was a good hang.

Speaker 1 Nerds are good at media. You got a nerd girlfriend.
There's not a single boring moment. There's not a single exciting moment either, but there's no boring moment.
No, you have to do fucking cosplay.

Speaker 1 You don't have to do cosplay. You just sit there and then, you know, you let them tell you about their Funko Pops.

Speaker 1 And then you're like, and then you find yourself being like, yeah, she's got all these fucking

Speaker 1 bobbleheads, basically. She's a baby.
Yeah, she's a baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's still a baby. Anyways, I was at Barnes trying to buy a DVD.
What the fuck was that, man? What? You just said it. Said what? Barnes.
I don't know what you're talking about, man. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so I'm at Barnes trying to buy a DVD. Fucking God.
And

Speaker 1 there's a bunch of African guys in monkey suits wearing like, you know, tuxedos. Tuxedos.
Sorry, yeah, I didn't mean to do that. Tuxedos.
They're wearing tuxedos. And their event security.

Speaker 1 And I couldn't get into the DVD section. Because there was a DVD event.
Because there was a DVD event happening. They had a book signing going on in the DVD section.
That's annoying.

Speaker 1 With one Ralph Macchio.

Speaker 1 The karate kid. So I look around and it's all Italian nerds wearing Cobra Kai gear.
Mm-hmm. That's who's going to see see Ralph Machio and get, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But he wasn't on the Cobra Kai.
Those were the bullies of him. I know, but that's the only kind of shirt you can get.
You can't get a kind of Ralph Machio shirt.

Speaker 1 You can't get a karate kid, good guy's shirt. And they wouldn't let me in there.
I wanted to go in and just be like, dude, Diagnosis Murder, fucking Charles in charge, Bugsy Malone. Dude,

Speaker 1 you're my guy.

Speaker 1 Wait, he replaced Scott,

Speaker 1 what's his name on Diagnosis Murder? No, he did not. He didn't.
Scott Bayo just left the show. They didn't get Machio.

Speaker 1 I don't think they replaced him with Ralph Machio. Not to mine.
I mean, I watched all of that show. I can't remember how long.

Speaker 1 But my memory's been bad lately, so I mean, I can assert that, and I would not be surprised if I was completely wrong. But no, the problem with that was they...

Speaker 1 They, I guess, like, in the process of developing the show, they went to both Dick Van Dyke and Scott Bayo and pitched the two of them like two completely different shows.

Speaker 1 Like they went to Scott Bayo and they're like, yeah, it's like a tough guy. You keep getting pussy every episode.
You're like a tough guy, Italian doctor that solves crimes.

Speaker 1 Imagine they went to Dick Van Dyke and they're like, you're a buffoon doctor that solves crimes in like a Mr. Magoo sort of way.

Speaker 1 And then they both said yes. And then they tried to synthesize the two into one show, but it was clearly the Dick Van Dyke show.

Speaker 1 So there's like every episode there's like two different shows happening. And I guess Scott Bayo kind of figured it out after one or two seasons and then left.
And he's like, I'm out of here. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But anyway, what was happening at the DVD section? All of these Italian guys are there to see Scott Bayo.

Speaker 1 To see Ralph Machio. Yeah, to see Ralph Machio.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, they're like, Charles in charge. I fucking love you.
Fucking Bugsy Malone. Yeah, yeah.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Bugsy Malone. Get pussy from Jody Foster.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What if John Hinkley Jr. could have done that? He could have shot an egg cream pie in Reagan's face.
He could have thrown an egg cream pie at Reagan's face. Yeah, done a hijink.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 To fuck Jodie Foster. To get pussy from that lesbian child.
The problem is he saw a taxi driver and not Bugsy Malone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He saw the wrong one. He could have lived in a different world.

Speaker 1 A black college.

Speaker 1 An HSBU. That's kind of a condescending name for that show.

Speaker 1 A different world. A different world.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine? Where black people go to college.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine?

Speaker 1 It would have to be a different universe, but black people learning.

Speaker 1 It's a different, it's in the multiverse. No, hold on.

Speaker 1 I understand. The premise of the show is ridiculous.
So, Black College, obviously, insane. But we're saying it's a fantasy.
It's a

Speaker 1 different world. It's a different world entirely.
It's not even close to the world we're living in. It's a separate universe.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I'm there and

Speaker 1 there's this like 35 year old Italian guy. What's up? Are you looking at?

Speaker 1 This like 35 year old Italian guy walking around just screaming on like, you know, like Bluetooth or whatever.

Speaker 1 He's like, Ma, Ma, I'll be home when I'm fucking home. I told you.
I'm going to see Ralph Macchio. It was an hour and a half line to get in.
I've been waiting all fucking night.

Speaker 1 I'll be home when I'm home. And he just just kept going.
It was like a 30-minute conversation because I was waiting just to see if I could go by Drop Day Gorgeous, you know?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, excuse me, some of us have even gayer plans tonight.

Speaker 1 Can we hurry this Ralph Macchio bullshit up? I'm trying to watch a girl comedy from 25 years ago. One of the good girl comedies.
Yeah, that and Mean Girls. That is such a good movie.
It is.

Speaker 1 It's so funny. It's about us.

Speaker 1 That's us. The line where the gay kid is in the girls' bathroom and the fat girl comes up and she's like, you can't be in here.
And he's like, oh my God, Danny DeVito, I love your hair.

Speaker 1 So good. Yeah, this guy's like, Ma, you're fucking killing me.
And he's like, I'll be home when I'm fucking home.

Speaker 1 And then at a certain point, he's like, Ma, you're making me want to fucking drink again.

Speaker 1 And he's like threatening his mom with falling off the wagon because she's ruining this night out meeting Scott Bayo. That could have been you if you were.

Speaker 1 had a better relationship with your mom and you were Italian. If I was Italian, how awful I'd be.
You'd be, You'd be first of all the starting voice would be this one. Of course.

Speaker 1 You'd be born that way. Yeah, and then I would be even worse.
That'd be a good nick, too. Eventual laryngitis.

Speaker 1 Ma, I'm going to fall off the wagon. I have to see Karate Kids.
Ma, you're making me want to fall off the wagon.

Speaker 1 Well, how do those Guidos react when they got Hillary Swanks? Can you imagine him just going to a bar that night? He's like, yeah, I've been sober 15 fucking years. But my bitch ma.

Speaker 1 My ma wouldn't let me go see Ralph

Speaker 1 And the bartender is like,

Speaker 1 I don't think I'm going to serve you.

Speaker 1 I don't think that's a good enough reason to fall off the wagon. Yeah, I know I'm just here to get a tip, but that sounds pathetic, man.
He's like, this is almost like my 9-11.

Speaker 1 If it weren't that 9-11 was already my 9-11. It was an attack on Italians.
Famously, they were trying to get the Italians. Have you ever heard that 50 Cent? Is there other sponsor? I forget, dude.

Speaker 1 Let me look it up. Have you ever heard that 50 50 Cent song, Patiently Waiting,

Speaker 1 featuring Eminem.

Speaker 1 Eminem's verse is all about how

Speaker 1 Shady Records was right by the towers.

Speaker 1 Oh, My Bookie. Oh, My Bookie.
Sorry, it was supposed to be My Bookie, Then Died Smoke. He says Shady Records was 80 seconds away from the towers.
And

Speaker 1 he claims that Bin Laden meant to hit

Speaker 1 Eminem.

Speaker 1 And that's why he missed, and he hit the World Trade Center. There's also something.
Pretty cool.

Speaker 1 Also, some other shit.

Speaker 1 Why don't you talk about my bookie? MyBookie.

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You double your first deposit plus

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And you got football season. It's the best time of the year to be a fucking guy and to be a degenerate gambler.

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Speaker 1 They also have casino games, table games, live casino, slots, and live sports betting and mobile betting.

Speaker 1 So there's some fight they want us to mention. There's a fight coming up, and guess who it is? Kanye West versus the Jews.

Speaker 1 You know where my money is going, Nick.

Speaker 1 It's going with

Speaker 1 the Jews. Okay, what am I? Okay.
Their team of meticulously hand-picked professionals with a refined skill set stemming from years. UFC 280, Charles Olivier versus Islam Makachev.

Speaker 1 Who you got? I guess Islam Makachev. Me too.
You got to go based on the names. You can't lose a fight with a name like Islam Makachev.
Well, you're letting a lot of people down

Speaker 1 to lose that fight.

Speaker 1 Imagine I named my son.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Can you imagine going through the TSA and handing them a fucking ID that says Islam Makachev?

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, he's like a white Muslim, probably. He's like a Dagestani kind of guy.
We all know that's worse. Yeah.
Well, of course, I mean, we all know that's of course, but you know, whatever.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, we're going with Islam, guys.

Speaker 1 Put money on Islam. You got a great line.
They have live betting. You can bet during a game.
Right now, you have the second inning.

Speaker 1 White Muslim, white Muslim, two separate things that you think would be all right. Then you could, like, you know, it's like a crow nut.
You combine the two of them, and it's like, this is disgusting.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This is fucking, this is just too much, man.
That's the way MMA comes out of that. That's where, you know, you get that guy, Khabib,

Speaker 1 Best guys. Mixed Muslim arts.
That's what they should call it.

Speaker 1 Put that karate down.

Speaker 1 Karate's for Chinese people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can go to this fucking website. You can bet on shit at mybookie.com.
Put in promo code TAFS or

Speaker 1 T-A-F-S, and you get a nice welcome bonus. They got a sports book, casino, racing.
You could deposit. They have contests.
You want to hear about one of their contests, Nick?

Speaker 1 They got the MyBookie Super Contest. You think you know football? Pick five games against the spread each week, earn points for the wins, and battle for huge cash prices all season long.

Speaker 1 They got the survivor contest. Are you a survivor? Prove it.
Pick one team each week, straight up, no spread. If your team wins, you move on to the next week.
If they lose, you're out.

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You get hyped for every quarter of action with squares.

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Terms and conditions apply. So go to mybookie.ag, put in promo code TAFS,

Speaker 1 and you get some good shit for that. Damn.
What's up, dude? I don't know. I just really don't want to have to get on a fucking plane tomorrow.
I wish I could just wake up at the same time.

Speaker 1 Maybe you should change your name to Islam McAchev. I flew way too much this weekend.
I know. You've been in and out.
West Coast is rough. For a weekend, it is rough.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That weekend when I did Seattle and came back and then did L.A. was.
I've been doing Phoenix and then Vegas in quick succession. That's

Speaker 1 been sitting on the fucking tarmac forever in Phoenix,

Speaker 1 delaying the flight. You should have chilled with my dad, dude.
Yeah, that would have made it better. Yeah, of course.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys got along great. We met each other.

Speaker 1 Didn't he tickle you? No.

Speaker 1 I think he did. I have a picture of it.
He did not tickle me. I have a picture of my father tickling you.
He did not tickle me. I did.
I've never been tickled in my life.

Speaker 1 Who's tickling for?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know.
Ticklings for Adam's dad. I don't know.
Ticklings for my penis.

Speaker 1 So, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, just don't go then. Tell him you have the coronavirus.
I gotta go. We can't do this on live air because then if you do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's the last

Speaker 1 last weekend.

Speaker 1 And then the show changes.

Speaker 1 And then what? Our show changes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 In the next two weeks. Yep.
Yeah, the last weekend. And then,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 I gotta.

Speaker 1 I gotta get off the road.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Unfortunately, I can't write on the road.

Speaker 1 And I really hate this fucking hour I'm doing now. You know who could write on the road? Who?

Speaker 1 That Jack Kerouac. Yeah.
He did write it.

Speaker 1 Writing books is for babies.

Speaker 1 Welcome to parties in Noble.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What have you been up to?

Speaker 1 I don't know, not shit, dude.

Speaker 1 Nothing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Having those dreams again. What kind of dreams? The ones about the female bodybuilders.
Should we bring back the dream analysis segment? I mean, we can if you want. What is a dream of yours for real?

Speaker 1 I'm in the gym. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm doing a set

Speaker 1 at the squat rack.

Speaker 1 I turn around, it's all a bunch of muscular women. Yeah.
6'5, huge. Yeah.
Sweating, laughing at me. They pull my pants down.
They laugh at my penis.

Speaker 1 I tell them, like, leave me alone. Then

Speaker 1 one of them gets mad at me. What's a dream you have for real, though? Me? Yeah,

Speaker 1 not a

Speaker 1 joke. Let's get into it.
What did you dream about last night? I don't remember last night. This is the last dream I remember.
Okay.

Speaker 1 My neighbors upstairs got mad at me. Yeah.
Because my girlfriend ordered bagels for breakfast, right?

Speaker 1 Then we got a delivery of bagels. So I started eating the bagels.
Turns out it was for them, right? They got furious. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she was like, sorry, my boyfriend's an idiot. They're mad.
How about Furious Satellite Radio? That'd be good. And it's fucking uh

Speaker 1 who did I say in in this area? Oh, Dwight Yoakum.

Speaker 1 He's like, I'm fucking pissed off.

Speaker 1 I'm pissed. Here I'm furious XM.
That'd be good.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So that happened in real life, right?

Speaker 1 They were pissed at us. We gave them the bagels that we ordered.
They were still mad.

Speaker 1 It's an honest mistake. I mean, we just made a fucking food delivery.
They gave it, delivered it to us, whatever.

Speaker 1 So then I had this dream

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 my TV was out and I wanted to watch television. Barney.
It wasn't Barney. Okay.

Speaker 1 And so then I

Speaker 1 remembered that they were out of town.

Speaker 1 So I checked their doorknob

Speaker 1 and it was open. Barney's already playing.

Speaker 1 And I went, it wasn't Barney, but the TV was working. So I sat down, was watching television.
I love you, you love me. We're a happy family.

Speaker 1 And I was like, wow, these people hate me if I were to get in trouble.

Speaker 1 You know, I ate their bagels. They're going to be fucking pissed off.
Yeah, and you're watching Barney in their house. I'm watching Barney.
Can you imagine?

Speaker 1 That's like fucking a guy's wife watching Barney on his TV. And then, legitimately,

Speaker 1 this is real. I've gotten into something I call Barney cuckholding.
This is real. I leave the room and I let another man let a big black guy watch Barney on my TV and play with my toys.

Speaker 1 I'm Alec Baldwin and I'm here raising awareness for for baby baby dom cuck holding.

Speaker 1 Where I leave my, I go on vacation and I let a big black man come in my house and play with my toys and watch my Barney tapes.

Speaker 1 So I'm watching the television at their house. Yeah.
And then a door opens. I freak out.
I was like, fuck, now they're going to hate me forever.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm like, I'm sorry. And they're like, what are you doing here? I kind of forget even that I'm in their apartment, which for a dream is interesting.

Speaker 1 Cause like you normally go to a different location, you forget the last one. But I kind of like left that location, then came back, and then they were like, I'm the dog sitter.

Speaker 1 And then, literally, for the two weeks after that, I thought that they were, I thought in my mind, I was like, the relationship with the neighbors is irreparably damaged at this point.

Speaker 1 But it was based on that dream. The Barney dream? They had nothing to do with Barney.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the classic Barney dream. Yeah, but what does that mean to to you?

Speaker 1 I'm going to make millions of dollars, and I'm going to buy the rights to therapy, and I'm going to become the only therapist in the United States.

Speaker 1 And then I'm going to sit down. How do you buy the rights to therapy? I don't know.
But I'm going to sit down and I'll have nothing but mafia clients. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm looking to analyze this. Yeah, so what did you come here for?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I've got stuff I can't really work out.
You watch Barney? I don't watch Barney, you fucking piece of shit. Who told you I watched fucking Barney?

Speaker 1 They grab for their piece. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're at gunpoint. What are you going to do? You're going to shoot me? It's not going to change the fact that you watch Barney.
You don't break a sweat. Yeah.
Yeah. I do this for a living, pal.

Speaker 1 I see guys that watch Bonney all day long.

Speaker 1 You know, they almost cast Alec Baldwin as Jennifer Melfie. Did they? Yeah.
I didn't know that. Yeah.
It's a little Hollywood legend for you. Yeah.
Yeah. But he wouldn't wear the women's clothes.

Speaker 1 He wouldn't wear the women's power suit. Yeah.
He's like, I'm doing it in the Brooks Brothers suit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're like, come on, you got to. Jennifer Melfie, she's an Italian woman.
Come on, Alec. We really wanted you for a second.
I know you're Irish, but you could play Italian.

Speaker 1 We really wanted you as an Italian woman, Italian woman therapist. Yeah, but like a kind of high falutin, not like a

Speaker 1 you know, not like a piece of crap. Like a.
Me, I'm just some northern Italian bitch.

Speaker 1 And you, you're scum. You're Sicilian scum to me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I want to fuck you.

Speaker 1 Sort of, but I won't do it.

Speaker 1 And you're going to have a dream where you fuck me. It'll take me five seasons to figure it out.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Shang-Chi 2 at its theaters.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I hear he has 20 rings.

Speaker 1 To promote the movie, our next guest is the Asian woman that works at the Dollar Dumpling Place on Mott Street.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the show. Yeah.
Why, yeah, why, why, yeah, why, why? You know, she she screams a lot. Yeah, yeah.
So

Speaker 1 are you excited? Do you have a clip to share?

Speaker 1 I can't do the voice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's me,

Speaker 1 the Chinese lady that sells dollar dumplings on Mott Street.

Speaker 1 Pork bun, $1 for $5.

Speaker 1 Pork dumplings, five for $1.

Speaker 1 Can you still get that deal? What? That used to be my poverty food. Oh,

Speaker 1 don't act like you went there.

Speaker 1 Dude, of course I went there. You were living in fucking Bedsty.

Speaker 1 You were living in Bushwig, weren't you? I was living in Bushwig first with the tickling guy. The tickling? No, before that, you were living with Eric for a while.
I stayed with Eric for a week.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought you were there for a minute. No, I stayed with Phil for a week, and maybe Eric for a week, too.
Yeah, you lived with the tickler. And then I lived with the tickling guy.

Speaker 1 And then you lived in Fort Green. Or Clinton Hill.
And then I lived in Clinton Hill with Ben. I lived in Chinatown.
I live blocks away from that place. I'd eat there every fucking day.

Speaker 1 It was a good deal. That or dollar slice pizza? You get fed for $5.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like Civil War food. Dumplings and pizza? Yeah.
How funny is that? That you go down,

Speaker 1 you personally have to go. You're just some guy that has a bullshit job in a factory in New York.
Yeah. You'd be saved up for 30 years to buy your first tie.

Speaker 1 And then it gets caught in the machine. It almost rips your head off.

Speaker 1 And then they're like, hey, there's a way out of this factory thing uh it's not really you don't have a choice we're just gonna send you there anyways but you got to go end slavery and you're like what's slavery and they're like people are forced to work and you're like that's my life

Speaker 1 this you know and they're like no they're black and you're like

Speaker 1 put my head back in the machine now

Speaker 1 that's what gangs in new york and then they march you all the way to fucking mississippi

Speaker 1 and then you know you kill

Speaker 1 800 rednecks.

Speaker 1 All your friends get a cannonball to the head. You kill 800 rednecks and they're like time for lunch.
Here's a saltine cracker.

Speaker 1 Here's a saltine cracker that a retarded guy made, and the only recipe he had was the picture on the box.

Speaker 1 That was it. That's what they ate.
Hardtack. Was that it? That's what they called it.
Hardtack.

Speaker 1 Those were saltine crackers?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was just like.

Speaker 1 They didn't get a stew? I don't think they got a stew. God damn it.
You got a salt cube that you can dissolve in water

Speaker 1 and a premium saltine cracker. They didn't get any like TV dinners? Yeah.
They didn't get Salisbury steak? Have you ever had a Salisbury steak? Of course. I've never had one.
Yeah. What is it?

Speaker 1 From the microwave? Yeah, they're microwaved. It's like Hungry Man.
There's a sauce on it? Oh, Salisbury steak, Hungry Man. Does it taste good? No.

Speaker 1 Is it like a composite of different pieces of meat? Like a spam? Yeah, it's like fucking, yeah. It's like just, yeah, it's just all the scratches.
It's just connective tissue and shit.

Speaker 1 It's from the floor. Yeah,

Speaker 1 basically. Of the butchery.
And it's got gravy on it. It sounds pretty good.
I had to prep a bunch of them when I did

Speaker 1 the, not the food bank, but a different kind of volunteer thing. I worked in like a kitchen for homeless people.
What about a food bank, but it's run by the Jewish media?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 People come, they're like, I want to deposit my food. Yeah, a big fat Jewish guy being like, the food bank?

Speaker 1 You don't say. I'm going to be president of the food bank one day.

Speaker 1 So this Kanye West stuff, is it hurt?

Speaker 1 Are you seeing that I'm being hurt by this? I don't know what's going on. He's really mad at Jewish people.
Isn't he Jewish? No, he's not Jewish.

Speaker 1 I thought that was his whole thing. Well, I mean, oh, he's black.
He's black.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's called him Kanye West Bank.

Speaker 1 He's Palestinian. It's pretty good.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 so you're leaving at 8 tomorrow morning? Yeah, 7 a.m. I'll be here at 11

Speaker 1 for the electrical. Oh, yeah.
This is coming down.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's coming down. And then,

Speaker 1 you know what I kind of want to do is we'll get like a big stand over there, and I want to put a spotlight in that back corner. Yeah.
So when you walk out here,

Speaker 1 we can have all the lights off, hit you with the spotlight. That'd be great.
And then,

Speaker 1 especially for the reveal, that'd be Pimp. Yeah, for the monologue.
That'd be sick. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, like, you you know, that.
And maybe I could be reacting to the blinding light.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, and like, like,

Speaker 1 was it Bronson? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I have to be naked fighting prisoners. Yeah.
We have you come out naked.

Speaker 1 Covered in species and piss. Put you in an ice bath beforehand, and then you come out and you have to do the monologue.
Yeah, that's cool. Yeah.
I fuck with that. That's sort of my dream.

Speaker 1 That's naked.

Speaker 1 Naked and afraid.

Speaker 1 Have you seen this show Naked and Afraid? No.

Speaker 1 I'm never afraid when I'm naked. Until Bonnie comes on.

Speaker 1 And that's when I come, pal.

Speaker 1 I don't watch Bonnie. It's too scary.
It's the only thing that makes me come.

Speaker 1 He has that mid-register that's sort of in there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's the only thing that makes me come.
That's pretty good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 1 We're exhausted today. What are you exhausted from? Me? Yeah.

Speaker 1 The unbearable

Speaker 1 lightness of being lightness of being the unbearable lightness of being chinese what was that that was a movie about getting pussy that's the new movie that's out there that's a book about getting pussy everything chinese everywhere everyone chinese everyone chinese all at once everyone's always chinese at once yeah yeah it sounds pretty good somebody said i heard it was bad i heard it's a piece of shit according to to freddy it's bad who's freddy freddie deboer he's still he's still doing his thing i subscribed to his sub stack when he signed up.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah? Yeah. I like Fred.
And he's mad at movies? I don't know. I never read it.
I just, you know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I see a friend of mine and they're, or even just a casual acquaintance or somebody that happened to be canceled for whatever reason, I'll just give them money.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 have fun in Minneapolis, buddy. Yeah, I just got an email.
It was in my email. He's like, this movie's overrated.
Fuck this movie. I don't think anyone liked that movie.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But people did like Shang-Chi. The Legend of the Ten Rings.

Speaker 1 They did like Shang-Chi. Yeah.
And did you like Shang-Chi?

Speaker 1 I went with my girlfriend and I was in the middle of the day. It was really hot.
And I think

Speaker 1 I was like being horny. In the movie theater? Yeah.
Towards the Chinese guy? Well, I think Shang-Chi turned me on a lot.

Speaker 1 And my girlfriend, I was just like, I'll get a popcorn and put a hole in the bottom of it. And

Speaker 1 you can jack me off.

Speaker 1 His superhero costume should be him. It's completely covered, but his penis is out.
Shang-Chi. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But he's got a big dick. Yeah, maybe.
That's the superpower. And then he's at work, and he's just a Chinese guy, and they're like, Did you see this big dick guy going around fighting cross?

Speaker 1 Like, oh, no, never. He's like, oh, I have no idea who that could be.

Speaker 1 I have no idea. We're like, well, it's certainly not fucking you.
Yeah, it can't be you, obviously. Maybe.

Speaker 1 but has anyone seen me in the same room

Speaker 1 nobody knows who this guy is

Speaker 1 what are cheeky surprise at your beer

Speaker 1 beer

Speaker 1 well that's gonna have to do with thanks man this week guys thank you patreon.com slash t-a-f-s and i'll be in minneapolis this weekend