Ep. XXY – Rosebud Baker

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the Wednesday episode, audio only.

Special guest today, Rosebud Baker.

Welcome to the show.

Hey, thanks so much.

Thanks.

It's great to be here from Mad TV.

Yeah.

She's one of the writers with, who's it?

It's you,

Patton Oswald.

Pablo Francisco.

Pablo Francisco.

And

Ken Jong.

Oh, Ken Jong.

Dr.

Ken.

Dr.

Ken.

Dr.

Ken.

I love that that whole, that guy's like, that guy's interesting stories are like, yeah, he's Asian, but he went to Duke.

Isn't that crazy?

He somehow escaped his Asian family and rose above,

climbed out of.

He went to white boy school.

Yeah.

Well, he was like a comic view guy, though, right?

Like, before he popped off, he would be like on like is Duke a white boy school?

I think so, yeah.

I'm thinking of MIT.

Duke is, yeah.

Yeah.

I went to Emerson.

I don't fucking know.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Nice.

Did you major in podcasting, or that happened after you left?

I think that happened after I left.

I think you can do that there.

M-I-T, but it's M-I-T-V.

Like, but M-A-D.

Like Mad TV?

Yeah.

M-IT is the Mad TV school.

That'd be really good.

Just sketches about math.

No, like Miss Swan is one of the regents of the university.

Yeah.

I hate that.

She's like, he look like a man.

Maybe you can pitch that when you're back.

Maybe you can pitch that on Mad TV.

Okay.

Who's the head writer now over there?

Steve Bannon.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Steve.

He's everywhere.

He's got his fingers in a couple different bowls.

And a couple different holes.

And bowls and holes.

Make sure that I didn't check the levels before we did.

It's a little cavernous in here, so it's hard to tell.

Yeah, no, I mean, it seems like you guys are.

So, what do you think, huh?

The studio.

Yeah.

I mean, it feels like you guys are in the process in the middle of stuff, but

let's not worry too much.

I'm spearheading it.

I'm, you know,

once it's done,

then we're going to wow.

But for now,

we're just going to have to accept that there might be a little bit of an echo.

Okay.

And what's the end goal?

You know, the greatest television

show that anyone's ever seen.

Yeah, to make like

Mad TV meets Anderson Cooper 360.

Yeah, that's basically the pitch.

But on steroids and crack at the same time.

Okay, so that's the whole pitch is just that

log line.

Yeah, what if Mad TV was a gay Vanderbilt?

Okay.

The show is just imagine, close your eyes.

As funny as Mad TV, but as informative and gay as Anderson Cooper.

Oh my gosh.

Just imagine Coop, right?

5 a.m.

South Town.

Imagine you're watching Michael McDonald pretend to be a mentally retarded boy, but at the same time, you're learning about Lebanon.

So you have Anderson Cooper just in like suspenders and a weird cap.

He's going to be like

smoking methamphetamine, having sex with muscular men.

Yeah, just

look at the camera

and he'll say, he look like a man.

Yeah, he'll just say that.

He'll say, look what I can do.

Last night, the leader of Libya, Gaddafi, was killed.

Every time I laugh in here, I sound like a ghost.

It sounds like a ghost is laughing back.

Yeah, Nick's taking it upon himself to tear all the wires out of the walls.

No, no, don't.

We have to switch the audio

until we get a, you know, until the studio is cooking, I think.

We'll do what we can with video content.

But I'm telling you, this place is going to be

looking good.

No, it will.

Just trust us.

No, yeah.

I mean, it literally.

Trust the process.

You know,

you work in television.

Yeah.

You see how what the sets look like before they fucking finish.

Yeah, I mean, I'll be honest, they don't look anything like this, but

I think this is probably destined for greatness.

And when you're destined for greatness,

as you guys have.

You know how I know it's going to be a good idea?

You know that feeling you get when you know something's going to be good and you're like not sleeping

and you're not eating and you're just thinking about it fucking 24-7.

Cocaine.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah.

And I come in here, dude.

I just work all day long.

That's good.

I mean, I'm worried for you and your health, but that's good.

No, it's all right.

I'm in the zone, dude.

You're going to live forever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also,

I'm taking one break.

I mean, I guess I have to go on the road, but I'm working.

And then

I'm going to go see Kill Switch and Gage at Coney Island.

And then going right from the concert back here.

Back to the stew.

And back to the studio.

Much like rappers, when they get out of jail, they go straight to the studio.

There's still time.

Rise and grind.

There's still time, by the way.

I'm in Irvine, California, tomorrow through Saturday at the Irvine Improv.

If you tried to buy tickets already and you only saw the booths, the club is in the process of converting those four-seat booth tables to just individual tickets

because the regular ones are sold out.

So

you can just keep trying, folks.

Please come out.

Let's just refresh that page.

And again, I promise you a good show.

I'm bringing Mike Racine.

He will crush, and then

I'm going to have a dog shit set.

But

Mikey will crush, and we're going to get his kids some fucking baby food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Little Ben.

So when you go and you're like, man, Mullen fucking sucks at comedy, remember, if you post that online and people don't go to the next show, you're taking food out of Microcine's kids' mouth.

So no, the answer isn't I have to get better at stand-up or do the full 45 minutes, I promise you.

No.

The answer is you got to keep coming to feed this kid.

You got to feed Mike's kid.

Yeah.

And that's what you have to do when you don't have your own child.

Yeah, Mike's too much of it.

Mike's too busy at home teaching his kid the ABCs.

You know,

to book his own shows or have his own career.

Yeah.

He's got to have

a lot of things.

You know, a lot of people say the hardest job in the world is fatherhood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People have said that.

Yeah.

You know what?

It is kind of nice to see the stand-ups that we micro scene is sort of the kill switch engagement to my lambda guy.

It's nice to see

fatherhood sort of like the men in comedy, their careers taking a hit the way that they would if they were like a woman working in like the real world.

Yeah.

At the business center for

business.

For enterprise.

Yeah.

At the business center for I work at the business center for thinking.

I'm a woman, and now I have a baby, and I've lost my job at the business center for thinking.

For entrepreneurial ship.

Yeah.

That was such a funny scam they pulled on women in the 1980s.

Oh, my God.

They're like, guess what?

Yeah, you got a job too, bitch.

I mean, they still pull it.

They're still pulling that shit.

You got to put on a boxy suit and get a men's haircut.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But guess what?

You got some shoulders.

Now you've got to have armpit and leg hair that's incredibly itchy, but you're pussy bear.

I don't want to see nothing on it.

What the fuck is going on?

Why do women do that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I stopped doing it in my 20s.

Yeah.

Because you're like, I think it's because men, I think they're like, oh, this is like what men like or whatever.

And I think that's women just still do that.

It was like that 1990s.

Because you'll be like, I'm a feminist, but then you have a guy coming over to your house and you're like, I don't want to embarrass myself.

You know what I mean?

I don't want my shit to look nasty yeah but now it's like I don't want Andy within 20 feet of my pussy so I'm like I just make it as difficult as possible yeah to even find it it's a rainforest

yeah I think that I have no idea I don't I I've never had armpit hair or leg hair that I can

well it's fine if you want to do that do your dumb thing but it's like I don't understand shaving the pussy and leaving the leg and armpit hair no I don't either I mean

although I think, in general, one's easier to shave than the other,

than the other two.

Oh, the pussy is easy.

Yeah, I think it's probably easier to shave that than it is to shave your whole leg.

It seems complicated.

But there's only one of them.

You know, you've got two armpits, two legs.

Yeah.

So in your mind, you're like, what's the bigger hill?

Yeah.

I just gave you a real autistic answer to that.

No,

it's smart.

I'm thinking about it.

But then it also made me.

I was trying to think of the male equivalent, and what popped into my head is the scene from Black Dahlia where

Josh Hartnett fucks a woman, but they imply the fucking because it's like either maybe it's a PG-13 movie or something, and you don't see the actual fucking.

And then they're just in bed after, and he's wearing his fedora.

So it's like, did he take his clothes off and then put the fedora back on?

That's pimp.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Have you ever been fucked by a guy in a fedora?

Not while he was wearing it.

No, but he took it off, like a gentleman.

He took it off.

But a big one, like a spy versus spy.

I dated a man who was Greek

who had a fedora collection that he insisted on around his apartment.

He had

a lot of with Greek people when they have money, it's like this guy could do stuff like that.

This is like, this could either be a billionaire or a mentally retarded person.

He was actually, yeah, I think he was mentally retarded.

It's tricky because it could be an eccentric billionaire.

Could be, yeah.

You know, I found out it was Greek Chris Angel after I saw his show in Vegas.

I know I keep bringing it up.

He's got a great story about that.

No, it's not that good.

You kept bringing it to me.

Who's Chris Angel?

Wait, tell me who he is.

He's that gothic magician.

He did Mind Freak.

Real quick, I'm sorry if I cut you off.

No, it's fine.

It wasn't that good of a story.

I didn't realize I had a story.

His riffs were way better than the story, to be honest.

He kind of bailed me out on the story.

No, don't apologize.

That was the Chris Angel riff.

Was that?

It wasn't a riff.

No, I just saw him after his magic show, and I said it changed my life.

And he looked at me and said, I know.

That's sick.

Yeah, it's so pimp.

I actually think that's a good idea.

It makes me want to find Chris Angel and go up to him and be like, dude.

Oh, can we get a picture?

I didn't ask for a picture.

And then get him excited and then be like, I can't believe I'm meeting Papa John.

Just ruin his day.

Yeah.

Just have him, just watch him completely lose it.

This guy fucking invented dominoes.

This is fucking Papa John, dude.

Dominoes, you know, the fucking dominoes.

Yeah.

I also heard,

I went with my sister's boyfriend.

He works on the strip.

He does like lighting.

My family's from Vegas.

Yeah.

And he told me magic

gossip, but David Copperfield apparently wears a muscle suit under his clothes.

He'll wear like a full, you know, a suit or something, and underneath he wears prosthetic muscles.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me because he's a magician.

Yeah.

So that doesn't, that's not like a shocking thing to learn of.

He's doing deception.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's sort of their thing.

Yeah, I guess so.

A friend of mine.

A shocking story would be that David Copperfield thinks the magic is real.

Yeah,

that there's another magician that's using, he's like, I'm going to trick this fucking retard into thinking he's the best magician in the world.

Because

that retard would, you know, it's like the original retard or the original magician, he's not a good actor.

Right.

He's just a genuine artist.

Right.

So he gets a Patsy that he shoves into into the foreground, David Copperfield.

And he's like, we're going to, because this retard.

Truman shows the entire

thinks he's the best magician in the world.

Yeah.

You know, and every day he's more and more shocked by his own skills.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

That is like, that would be shocking to me to hear that.

Yeah.

True art.

True art.

That's what that would be.

True art is

deception.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You think at 35 it's too late for me to learn magic?

Yeah.

Yeah, probably.

I missed the boat on that one.

I don't know.

I mean, maybe I think 35 is just too late, but 62,

it's right on time.

Oh, like to retire and get into magic?

I just talked to a magician today, actually.

Did you?

I had to pick up stuff

for work.

And I'm looking for

a specific type of LED light.

Yeah.

So I go into, there's a magic shop, right?

And I'm like, I'm looking for this kind of thing.

And he's like, well, we don't have that, but we have these.

And it's like the wrong color.

But then he put it into one of his ears and pulled it out the other.

And it's like, that's so funny.

He's just showing me stuff off the shelf.

He's like, oh, because it's a magic store.

You can't just show it to me.

You can't just show me the thing.

You got to show me the trick that it does.

I've mentioned it before on the show, but one of my best friends growing up became a street magician mind freak.

And he would perform on the strip.

I've heard like a bus.

Yeah, Tommy Giorgione, my boy.

I love him.

He's my dog.

But yeah, like

I saw him two years ago at my mother's funeral, and he came through and I saw the casket and headed

up.

That would have been good.

That would have been good.

He cut your mom and hanged.

No, but

he was wearing a fedora and then a waistcoat and then a tie and a shirt.

And I was like, Tommy, did you wear your magic clothes to the funeral?

It's just

Adam has a mentally disabled cousin.

And just him going up to the the magician.

He's like, can you bring her back, please?

He's like, I'm not that kind of magician, kid.

I'm more the you kind of magician.

I feel like all magicians in general sort of have adopted Johnny Depp style circa like 1996, 1998.

Yeah, a lot of chances.

Chris Angel, that's basically Chris Angel's whole vibe.

Yeah, all of them, though, they're all kind of like they have that same, they're like quiet and mysterious, you know what I mean?

And,

you know, might

throw a woman around every once in a while.

There's really not a lot of good aesthetic choices for magicians.

You're either that, a goth guy, or a libertarian.

Yeah, I want to see one that's just dressed normal, just like cartoon characters.

David Blaine is kind of like that.

He has the best style of it.

David Blaine is just like, he's a guy that doesn't give a shit about.

I mean, he's like the best magician in the world.

He rocks.

And then half of his magic is like, yeah,

I'm going to go into one of the Auschwitz ovens and survive.

Right.

You know, and it's like, is this magic?

Yeah, you just dress like you went to Home Depot.

Yeah, it's like, I've been inhaling Zyklon B for four and a half hours, and I'm not dead.

Now I'm going to go into the ovens, and then afterwards, I'm going to eat one of the trains that came here.

Piece by piece.

I'm going to eat one of the ovens.

I'm going to eat the trains.

A lot of magicians.

A lot of magicians say that they could

a lot of magicians' dreams is that with magic they could reverse the Holocaust, but I'm actually going to do it.

I'm actually going to do it by going into the ovens and then eating all of the trains.

You know, that pile of shoes at the Holocaust Museum?

Yeah, yeah.

That's going in my bed.

And it's just David Blaine just eating metal next to some train tracks, and the snow's falling just on like some just rotten feds.

And for some reason, there's like a crew of just Detroit black guys.

They're like, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

He's eating them all the fucking train.

They're just losing their minds.

Oh, your husband, your husband's calling.

Oh, Mr.

Rosebud.

Yeah, pick up.

Okay.

Hello, Andy.

Hi, Rosebud.

Are you

with people?

Yeah, she's with guys.

I'm with guys.

Are you at Cometown?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Idiot.

The Adam Friedland show.

Yeah, fucking, don't dead name us.

Yeah, you just dead name the name.

The show is trans.

The show we transition.

Trans now.

That's why I'm finally doing the show.

Yeah, that's me pitching the show to Netflix.

I'm like, it's called the Adam Friedland Show.

They're like, no interest.

And I'm like, it's trans.

I'm trans, by the way.

Just like leaving the room, being like, by the way, I'm trans.

They're like, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Take millions of dollars, please.

Andy, can I call you on my way to Maryland?

Yeah, when

I'm just going to the gym, I just check it in.

Okay.

Bye, Andy.

Bye.

Damn.

That's why none of my relationships work.

Well,

I don't know that you're supposed to do stuff like that.

It's like, I'll talk to you when I see you in four days.

Yeah.

And I'm in between episodes of All in the Family.

Yeah.

You walk into my apartment.

No, you're supposed to do a good night call.

I've gotten better.

Never do a good night call.

I don't do that.

What I do is

I never do that.

And then a woman cries and I say, you have borderline personalities.

Yeah, you're mentally ill.

But I don't think you're, I don't think you are mentally ill.

Go to the doctor.

I don't think you're entirely off about that.

I feel like if you have to talk all the time, it's like, if you want to last, you can't talk all the time.

No, that's true.

You got to be like,

let's just, you know, that was like, I was trying to be courteous and wrap it up.

But like.

Squirtius.

Squirtius.

You ever know what the Squirtius?

You ever remember what the Squirtius?

It's from The Matrix.

Yeah.

Scorpheus.

Squirt Fius.

Scorpius.

Squirtfeas.

Morpheus, but he squirts.

Yeah.

It's like, what if I told you?

I could pill any gentleman.

What if I told you

it's not pee?

You think that's a woman's cum?

What if I told you I could blast all over your bed?

And then he goes backwards whenever he just sort of like his whole body bends in half.

Yeah.

Bitches really do be ruining stuff with the squirting.

Yeah.

Have you guys ever been squirted on?

Has it ever happened to you?

Yeah, I'm a fucking gentleman.

I don't talk about it.

I don't talk about how that's never happened.

Where was it supposed to go?

She goes, oh, excuse me, and then walks in the other room

to go squirt into the toilet.

Pardon me for a second.

Well, you know, I mean, sometimes at certain angles, it wouldn't happen on top of you.

No, yeah.

Girls squirt so much that I sleep in rubber sheets like a mental hospital

because of the mess, because all the squirting.

squirting because too much squirting so when the women come over and they go what's with the wax sheets you go it's because of all the squirting yeah and they just they fall for that yeah yeah and they're squeegee down the bed yeah yeah and then i send them home in an uber pool what i do is i put one of those i put i put the one of those little like sponge dinosaurs on the bed first yeah nice and then you fuck them till they just squirt way too much and then you ride off on a giant dinosaur that's cool at the end of the night

gross yeah that's actually magic those things blew my mind as a kid you got speakers playing the Jurassic Park theme.

It's beautiful.

You're like, oh, sorry.

You've never.

I guess this is your first time having sex, bitch.

I guess you've never fucked.

I guess you've never.

Yeah, just the schizophrenic version of the crowd work guy.

Have you ever been with a guy that fucking gives a little dinosaur, makes a big dinosaur

when the theme song plays?

People are like, what's happening to this guy?

The monks are.

She's like, no, I haven't.

I used to be a magician.

She falls for it, though, immediately.

I don't know.

I've never,

There's quite a few women that I know that have fucked magicians, and I feel like they pull.

I feel like women...

Because it's like a version of pickup artistry, right?

I guess so.

It's like doing tricks.

I guess so, yeah.

I mean, it's...

I think it's just a little bit sadder than fucking a comic.

I think it's maybe...

I would say it's still worse to fuck a comic.

Really?

I don't know.

Do you think so?

I mean, it depends which comic.

I guess so.

Yeah, there's some hot guy.

You got a hot guy comic?

I got a good one.

You got a hot one?

Yeah.

I got a good one.

He's got a strong jaw.

Yeah, he's got a nice.

He's very Caucasian.

Very handsome.

He really looks like...

He's great at skiing.

Like a bust that someone made of some kind of emperor.

Yeah, it's true.

It's really true.

Today is 8.17, correct?

I believe so.

All right.

Cool.

Why?

I'm just trying to remember what Reeds we have this week.

Man, I really did not book Reeds for the summer.

Well, business slows down the summer.

We were talking about Andy's jaw.

Yeah, Andy looks just

like

talking about how he just looks like a statue that somebody made of

an old tyrant.

Well, he looks like Roman times.

Yeah, he looks like

just the pictures of

not the Waffen-SS, but maybe the

like here, just the regular German army, like propaganda photos.

Right.

Yeah, some of them are Aryan, but they're friendly.

Yeah.

Rather than the Nazis who are like, these guys are hardcore.

You think Andy's got a friendly face?

I think he, well, compared to a Waffen-SS guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's not as bad as an SS man.

Oh, well, that's good.

I mean, yeah.

You start the bar down here.

Yeah.

You start off at fucking, at Auschwitz Gaard.

The guy who's like, I want to pull the switch.

That guy.

You start there.

Yeah.

Take a step back.

So when people say that give that guy a nice warm glass.

Why does your husband look so miserable?

I can be like, picture a Waffen-SS guy.

How does he look now?

They go, uh, like a nice neighbor.

Andy looks like

the physical manifestation of, do you know who my father is?

Yes.

Yeah.

That's kind of what he looks like.

Dude, we got pulled over by somebody.

He's Hitler, by the way.

That's who my father is.

My dad is Hitler.

Can you imagine?

That's got to be that.

That has to be, because there had to have exist an entitled Nazi

in the Nazi world, the guy that's like, even the other Nazis are like, oh, this guy is such a fucking

fucking piece of shit.

He's so rude the way he's.

He's fucking just such a piece of shit.

He's a nepotism Nazi.

Well, I feel like, and it's scooter gerbils.

I was just going to do the thing where I explain a joke thinking it's funny that way.

No, we like that.

Let me get a, I'm going to get out my nicotine lozenges.

Oh, nice.

Because I'm on day five of no vaping.

Oh, nice.

Dude, vaping is so hard to quit.

It's fucking impossible.

I love it.

You know how much cocaine I had to do to stop vaping?

How much?

A lot.

And then to quit the cocaine, I had to get monkeypox.

Yeah.

I feel like

using cocaine to quit vaping is sort of counterintuitive.

I feel like nothing could make me want to vape more.

Yeah, you really want nicotine?

Yeah.

No, it's great because I smoked for like 10 years and then I quit.

And then in the last like, you know, decade of my life, I can, no problem, I can have one cigarette like a month.

You know, it's not an issue, yeah.

I keep trying to do that.

No, yeah, I can do that.

And then, uh, and then I got into vaping last fall after always thinking it was disgusting.

Like, they just seemed like it sucked to me.

And then those dying, I got into those diamond air bars.

And then it was like, I was going through like two of those a day.

Yeah.

I was just vaping constantly.

That's where I was at, too.

I think it really fucked me up in the short term.

I think I'm fine now.

But yeah,

my resting heart rate went through the fucking roof.

Dude, same.

yeah, same.

And I was like, it was like I was constantly fighting off a virus or something.

My body just, and even now, like I had to quit because I got the flu.

So I was like, let me just quit vaping now.

So I did it, but it's, I, it fucking hurts your head.

And like, the second you feel better, you're like, oh, let's fucking hit a vape.

Like, I love it.

I love it so much.

I never want to quit.

Yeah.

And I fucking have to.

No, I see him because he's doing it.

It's such a wow.

Maybe I'll maybe I'll vape.

I don't give a fuck how it looks.

It good.

It looks so good.

It feels good, but it looks so stupid.

Yeah, you really got to, like, if you really want to quit everything and you're an addictive personality, you got to replace it with like boxing or something.

I know.

You got to just be able to smack.

Maybe there should be a place you could.

There should be something you can break.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

There is a place.

I know there's a place where you can't.

There's a place where you can break things.

Like, you know, and 300 years ago, like a guy like me, a guy with money, of means, I would be able to just go into town, find an orphaned child, and just snap his arm under the wheel of my carriage.

And

that would be like having a couple of drags.

That would be like a nicer red.

Having a little nightcap.

Just bludgeoning a peasant.

Yeah, exactly.

Tying

a malnourished boy to a wagon wheel and shattering his limbs.

Right.

And I'd be like, okay, back to work.

Then I would go see a different boy slave and make him play piano.

Or

snatching someone's job slave.

Snatching someone's pet out of the street.

Yeah.

Just sort of snapping it in half.

Powdering my face

and

making a boy play piano beautifully for me.

Yeah, because you didn't have an iPod back in the day.

You had to have a child boy whore.

Well, the good thing is they have to do it.

I feel like Chopin today.

Bring me a virtuoso boy to play for me, and then afterwards, I will make love to him as if he were a woman.

Boy.

It's boy, come in.

Yeah.

Right.

For years, the society was like, that's the way it's supposed to to be.

There's a gay...

That's just how things are.

There's a mercury-poisoned queeny pedophile that makes a boy prostitute play piano for him and then he goes into town and breaks an orphan's limbs.

He's wearing women's makeup.

If it wasn't that way, then we'd be in the dark ages.

Exactly.

We're civilized.

It's so funny those people own the entire planet.

Yeah.

They literally like the British.

And now they they have to go back to their shitty island and just be ugly and pale now.

But they're like, oh, that was crazy.

Yeah, now they all.

We really blacked out on that one.

Detective shows were the ugliest people in the world trying to solve a murderer that

nobody cares about.

So funny.

I've been watching Love Island with my girlfriend.

It's so funny.

It's like the Stanford prison experiment.

And just like they look like shit, these people.

I don't watch any of those shows.

I don't like.

Oh, I love bad TV.

I love the television.

I love bad TV, but I love like bad, like, Hallmark movies, like movies that spent, that took, like, they spent two dollars to make.

I was raped, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Or, like, there's one called My Secret Billionaire that's um, it's been actually re-released under two other names now,

but it was probably made for like three dollars, and it's about a billionaire, so you can imagine that, like, how much stock footage they had to use just to make it a little bit more like a bunch of mansion, yeah, yeah, it was just like like a helicopter, right?

Because most billionaires, they have like a Prius and Crocs, it's like the most expensive thing they own, they don't fucking fucking it's so funny to see what these people think a billionaire's life looks like.

And the whole premise of it is like this guy, he's a billionaire.

He's like a lady killer.

And his dad gets sick and he has to go to his dad's bedside.

And his dad is like, I want you to go away.

It's like the worst Italian accent that you've ever heard in your whole life.

He goes, I want you to go far away for a month with no money.

And I want you to

not use your name.

And he's just no questions asked.

He just does it.

So he's coming to America?

Yeah.

He's like, it's a meamario.

I'm a mario, man.

Yeah.

It's a mama.

It's a miyamari.

It's a mi mario.

Yeah.

Woma plumber.

He's literally coming to America with a white guy.

Yeah, and it's not funny.

With no budget.

And it's not funny.

It's like genuine, earnest, heartfelt.

And I've watched it so, I loved it so much, I watched it with ads, actually.

Really?

Yeah.

I was like, this is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Ads make me want to kill myself at this point.

I love them.

I fuck advertising, dude.

I think about that all the time.

Anytime I see an advertisement, I'm like, what?

Are you trying to trick me?

Well, you think you're a magician?

Well, you think you're...

You think you can get into my mind?

You think you're David Blaine?

David Blaine, at least, undid the Holocaust because of his magic.

You're trying to give me a bar of sneakers.

You sound like everyone my husband's been hanging out with.

Oh, yeah, he's in the house.

Oh, he's in London.

Yeah.

He's hanging out with crypto guys.

What is he doing over there?

Yeah.

He's working for a soccer team that was just purchased by crypto guys.

Leia's over there, too.

Yeah, and so is my girlfriend.

They're hanging out tonight.

Leia's in London?

Maya's in London?

Maya's in London, yeah.

What is she doing over there?

She's like seeing friends.

Like, I couldn't go on vacation.

Dating each other?

I couldn't go on vacation.

Hold on, hold on.

Andy said something about a side family.

What if, what if?

Wait, it was so funny.

When we were upstate and Andy was like, you know, you were like, if I died, and I was like, yeah, Andy and I would go out and get pussy.

And you were like, you guys couldn't get pussy.

Like, if your girlfriend or wife died.

And then, like, I text Andy the next day.

I was like, that was bullshit.

We could totally go pussy.

I don't know what she was talking about.

Andy's always saying shit like that.

He's like, maybe she's looking at me.

And I was like, she's not.

She thinks you're my sister.

Yeah, it's just a smash cut to a blind woman crossing the street with a stick going back and forth.

Oh, this lady's trying trying to fuck me.

It's always someone who's trying to be awesome.

She wants me to fuck her eye hole.

She's so out of his league that I'm like, you're,

I think he's fucking blind.

I want, like, you want, you need to check your own fucking vision.

Yeah, that's so funny.

See, I have the opposite.

I'm always like, if I, like, even if I'm like at a, like, I'm checking out at a place, I'm like, I don't know.

I hope this cashier doesn't think that I'm like trying to rape her or something.

You know, it's like, like, they're like, oh, this creep, he's smiling at me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, I don't make eye contact.

Yeah, you just

make sure I don't say thank you.

It's prison rules.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You put on a fake wedding ring.

You put it to yourself.

Yeah, right.

Right.

So the Adam Friedland show is brought to you by Diet Smoke.

Oh, Diet Smoke?

What a product.

Diet Smoke is a.

Adam, why don't you take it away?

Diet Smoke.

He's the star of the show.

He's who people want to be.

Okay, everyone's familiar with marijuana, right?

Which is something with the scientific term for it is Delta 9 THC.

This product, Diet Smoke, is Delta 8 THC.

They also have Delta 9 THC.

You know what's so funny about the regular company?

All of these companies they started, they made, like, you know, they started with CBD because it's like technically legal.

Right.

And then they added Delta 8, which is a little bit closer.

And now weed's just legal, so they're like, how about Delta 9?

It's like, this is just fucking weed.

Now it's just weed, yeah.

Does it get you high?

It gets so fucked up.

It gets you fucked up.

And Delta 8 will get you fucked up still.

But yeah, apparently they have both, but they have a whole line of products, including vapes, CBDs, gummies.

What else?

They just added more flavors.

Cherry, lime, mango.

I got to try that.

Watermelon, blue, raspberry.

Salt sounds fucking good.

Peach.

So it's candy that gets you fucked up.

And they have drinks, too.

You have weed drinks.

Oh, they got a lot more flavors.

This is fucking child editing.

Diet smoke is really going off right now.

When we started, they had two flavors of edible.

Smoking weed's a whack world.

I want to try a milk flavor.

Yeah.

I just want milk.

They should do the Harry Potter thing where they got every flavor.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Harry Potter's so fucking gay, dude.

I'm going to go off.

Fuck Harry Potter.

I'm sorry.

This is keeping me up all night.

Yeah, I'm like, so what is the deal?

He's like a fucking magician or something.

You just found out about Harry Potter.

Yeah, I was walking over here.

There's got this Harry Potter store.

Like, who gives a shit?

Have you been to that?

Who fucking cares?

Who's fucking going to this place?

All right.

Bring the Friends Cafe back.

Bring Gunther back.

I passed by the Friends Experience the other day.

Have you ever seen the TV show?

Do you remember when they did the Seinfeld place?

They did the Seinfeld apartment somewhere in the U.S.

Yes.

And someone immediately broke the door doing Kramer.

He probably nailed it.

Yeah, no, he did.

They probably were the only one who did it right.

The guy comes in, and then it's like, oh shit.

He's fucked out of the door jam.

Yeah.

So, okay, so right now I'm looking at the Diet Smoke website, which is an incredible website, but I'm on their blog section, which you really got to check out.

And here's a blog post that they have: four movie scenes.

A diet smoke subscription would fix.

The milkshake scene and pulp Fiction.

Okay.

Violet Beauregard.

Oh, the Sicario dinner scene.

And, of course, the box, the box scene in seven.

What's wrong with the milkshake scene?

She overdoses.

So I guess they're saying if in

the middle of the screen in the middle of a grave overdose,

they're saying she should have gotten a buzz from Diet Smoke.

The claim now is that Diet Smoke works like Narcan.

Oh, God.

I think that's what they're implying.

I think that's what they're saying.

If you're overdosing on cocaine or heroin, take

Delta 9.

It's weird.

How is the box scene from 7 fixed by let's see this?

Iconic scene, iconic movie, Kevin Spacey cuts off Brad Pitt's wife's head and puts it in a box for them to discover.

Is that confirmed?

I don't know.

You never see what's in the box.

They don't tell you what's in the box.

Yeah, but you know what's in the box.

Oh, what's in the box?

You know what's in the box?

What's in the box?

Brad Pitt, colon.

Ah, what's in the box?

What's in the box?

What in the fucking box?

They didn't even spell it right.

It's an unboxing.

And then Morgan Freeman, dude, relax.

It's your monthly subscription from Diet Smoke.

Take a cherry line.

It's a bunch of edible gummies, you fucking faggot.

What the fuck?

Wow,

that movie would have been way better if it was edible.

It all ended in an unboxing.

Delta 8 THE Apparently they got Delta 10 now.

How fucking high did you think they were when they came up with that?

Like, what if part of the the ad, what if part of our marketing is just say movie scenes?

The Delta 8 could smoke, but what could...

You could literally plug anything in.

It doesn't really matter what you're talking about.

What about like the American beauty scene where she's worried about cum getting on the couch?

Yeah.

Remember that movie, That Damn Cat?

What if instead it was, the cat was weed?

This is an advertisement brought to you by DietSmoke.com.

Yeah, so we really thank DietSmoke for supporting our show, The the Adam Freeland Show.

If you visit their blog section, they have a lot of other good information, including what is Delta HC, the best ways to enjoy Delta H THC, a guide to micro-dosing cannabis,

and the history of 420.

That's interesting.

420 is a celebration of the Fuhrer Adolf Hitler.

What?

I thought it was weed.

Okay, so you go to their website.

It was also Columbine.

Yeah, a lot of cool stuff happened happened there.

Yeah, fun, fun stuff.

David Blaine were here on Hitler's birthday.

That kid, Kleebold, used to smoke that shit.

I'm going to get high by smoking the ashes of the Auschwitz fix.

Delta 9 could have fixed Columbine.

Oh, my God.

If everyone in the world was fit for me,

I'm David Blaine, and this is get high off fake weed.

Have you seen that video?

I remember getting high on 420 on Columbine and being like, man, like,

if everybody was high, like, we wouldn't have a problem.

Like, I remember having that gym.

One of my ex-girlfriends missed that, like, teens used, teenagers used to say, they'd be like, bro, I never miss 420.

Every day at 420, I smoke weed.

Yeah, every single 420.

Every single day.

I never miss.

At 4:20 p.m., I never, bro, I never miss 420.

From 2001 to 2005, never missed a 420.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I mean at 4.20 p.m., like smoking weed

every day.

Those guys, yeah.

Yeah, dude.

Smoke weed every day.

Yeah, and then I pour out half of a 40 for Brad Noel.

I miss it.

Honestly, I gotta obviously

drink some of the four.

I don't have the kind of Skrilla right now to fucking

just pour out a whole 40 for Brad Noll.

But this Vickey's is for you.

Fucking fucking

40 ounces of freedom, dude.

I'm trying to think what, like, in the DMV they called.

Cheddar was like pussy, they called, which I think was just wrong.

I think they used that wrong.

Cheddar's not a bad thing.

I remember hearing people say cheddar to mean pussy.

I think it was just my all, pretty much all-white high school sort of picking up.

Did you say Bama?

Did people say Bama, or is that a DC slash?

I think these are just, these are not colloquial.

They're just

like,

what is it called?

When something's specific to a time period.

Yeah, it was,

I don't know, generational.

Yeah, generational.

Because people used to say BAM.

There was a rap group named Bama.

You remember that?

Yeah.

Were they Go-Go or Rap?

It was Rap.

They were from Alabama.

Oh, they were from Alabama.

Yeah, GoGo-Chair.

Gogo's from D.C., yeah.

Gogo's the only thing.

Yeah, Go-Go and

I guess like, like a certain trip hop might be more universal, but DC had a huge trip hop scene.

Yeah, that's where

what are they called?

Thievery

Corporation.

Yeah, they're from D.C.

Yeah.

DC used to ride with thievery.

Oh, yeah.

I love that shit, dude.

Yeah, it's tight.

I love that.

It makes you feel like you're in Ocean's 11.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's really, because it's like,

it's that weird culture of guys that are like sort of Mediterranean or something.

They just like come out and hang out at like hummus bars.

Lounge music.

Yeah.

You know, this studio feels like a place where they would like recruit someone for Oceans 11.

Yeah.

This is, yeah, exactly.

We kind of feel that way.

Yeah, like you just find a guy

in the middle of something.

We're getting

the most important member of the team, the Chinese guy that fits into things.

Yes, yeah.

The contortion is a Chinese cracker.

We need a tiny Chinese cracker.

We need a safe cracker.

And we need the tiny Chinese.

Well, you know what?

A

Tiny Chinese.

Anyway, if you go to dietsmoke.com, put in promo code Comtown or Come Town20.

We're going to get a change pretty soon to the TAFS or whatever.

You're going to get a great discount on some great products, and you're going to get freaking Buzzed.

So go there and let's start the show.

Buzz Lightyear.

Dude, that's why they call it.

I can't wait to see Toy Story.

Dude, y'all trying to see Buzz Lightyear?

Erkland's best movie of the year.

Fucking Burrs Light Your.

This is crazy.

Mouse is like, she never really.

Oh, yeah, we have a dog in the studio.

Yeah, she never really fucks with anybody.

She was asking to get on your lap just then, and she was kind of like,

hold me, which is odd because she doesn't talk or look at strangers.

The dog probably knows that I donate thousands of dollars every year to the World Conservation Society.

Oh, you do?

Okay, that's what it is.

A tremendous amount of money.

At this point in my life,

my thing, I only give money to animals and retards.

I give all mine to Israel and the United Negro College Fund.

Let's get these Negroes some college.

Yeah.

Let's get them.

If you're at home listening, go to the United Negro College Fund website.

Let's get a couple of these Negroes in college for a change.

I'm all Down syndrome.

Down syndrome is my main thing.

I'm always saying, you know what these fucking Negroes need?

College.

They really should have changed the name.

Have they changed the name?

They should.

They shouldn't let a guy like me

just be out here hearing that name.

Just telling people

where I donate.

Saying the name back to them.

Well, you can't.

That's the problem.

You can't donate to a thing that you can't tell people that you donate to.

Right.

If you can't repeat the thing that you're donating to, why

donate?

My cousin in sixth grade, he got suspended from school for saying Negro.

And his mom went into the principal's office and she lied and said he didn't know what it meant.

And she got him off the hook.

He thought it meant sucking dick.

He didn't know what it meant.

He thought it meant squirting.

How old was he?

He was like 12 or something.

Oh my gosh.

He was just being a shithead kid.

Yeah.

But yeah, I think he said in like half a tear or something, he got in big trouble.

And then he got into Vegas?

No, this was, he lived in LA.

But yeah, then he got into graffiti.

Hollywood, Friedland.

He got into writing.

He's like, I gotta go write.

I mean, there are very few black people in L.A.

compared to like New York.

There's a lot of Hispanic.

I think it's L.A.

is just super segregated.

Yeah.

Yes, I've noticed that.

It always blew me away when I finally went to California thinking of it being this very progressive place.

And then you go there and you're like, no one lives in the same neighborhood.

It's like, yeah.

But they have like very specific neighbors.

They have like little Jakarta.

No, you go there now.

It's 2022 and they'll be like, oh, this is black Beverly Hills.

And it's like, why isn't that just beverly hills

what's that bald baldwin heights right yeah it's like what the fuck yeah black beverly hills it's insane yeah it's crazy yeah i fucking hate that city so much i i've it sucks i actually like enjoy spending time there but i um i could not ever live there ever like just just on the fact that you have to make plans with friends like dinner plans like you're like you're in your 60s yeah yeah you know yeah like you have to plan an hour commute anywhere.

Right.

It might be a little bit more doable now that there's like Uber and Lyft.

Dude, there was this one time where I went out to LA and this guy from Live Nation was like, hey, I want to have a meeting with you.

So I, and I was like young and dumb in my career and I didn't understand how, like, if you get a meeting, they don't reach out on Instagram.

You know?

So I was an idiot, and I was like, oh, this guy, Live Nation, also not knowing that Live Nation doesn't do anything.

And then they're like an email list.

And I like got this, uh, so I got this meeting, and I go, I drive out there, and he comes down to the lobby, and he's like, So, um,

so what's uh, what do you want in the future?

And I like start telling him about my goals, and he's like, Do you want like a family or kids?

And I was like, Is this a date?

Yeah, and he was like, Well, it can be whatever you want it to be.

And I'm like, this motherfucker made me drive, yeah, to be harassed.

Like, I'm

The harassment doesn't bother me, but if you usually they come to you.

He's got a suit on, but he's like wearing sweatpants and his shoes are soaking wet.

Do you shave your pussy?

What do you want to do with your career?

What are your plans?

What's your shave your puss?

What are you.

Yeah.

And you're escorted.

So how flexible are you?

What do you talk about in your act?

Oh, boy.

Yeah, L.A.

sucks.

The best thing that ever happened to me, though, was in L.A.

Really?

Yeah.

I may have

oversold the story I'm about to tell you.

I could feel the doubt because you looked up at the sky.

Well,

my landlord hired me to serve divorce papers to a woman.

And I got to steak out of her apartment all day listening to Mob Deep.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I felt so cool, dude.

How much did he pay you?

I think like $25.

This is nothing.

But you took it serious.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

I was like,

Joanne?

Did he ask you to stake it out or was it just add that?

No, yeah, because she was dodging.

They couldn't get somebody.

They were like, you need to just stay at that in front of the house.

Because she's like, she knows that he's trying to serve the divorce papers.

Okay.

And I was like, I got this, dude.

I'm like looking in the mirror and stuff and like checking in case anybody's like, why, what are you doing?

I'm like, I work for the fucking government.

I'm a cop

fuck off asshole

I'm here on work I'm James Bond

that's awesome I actually thought about for a while during the pandemic I was like is it too late for me to join the FBI

because I thought maybe I could do that and that would be better than being a comic it I mean it still would be better I think oh yeah

what would you do in the FBI Most people do computers, I feel like.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I don't know what I would do.

I was just like, it was one of those days, you know, where I was like,

there's got to be something I can do.

You would want to be like a special agent.

If they're like out in the field,

yeah, I think that's what I would want to be doing.

I want to be one of those guys with the vest that's pointing his gun down because it's safe.

You know,

he's like pointing his AR down.

I don't think they go out into the field unless there's a crime that you're going to.

Right.

You know.

But I was thinking, like,

I don't know.

I wanted to, like, solve murders or, like,

you know,

grifters, like, going after, like, grifters, because there's so many of them now.

There's, like, so many people who are just, like, grifting.

You finally caught up to me.

Social media.

I see we meet again.

Special Agent Rosbad.

No, I was thinking of like holistic healers that

are probably beginning cults on Instagram and shit like that.

Is that a crime though?

Yeah, I think so.

Cults.

I think it's

my two favorite crimes of all are

in terms of like, I just think that it's like if you're going to be a criminal, these are the two best ones to do.

Shining a laser pointer at an airplane or a helicopter.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Great.

And then transporting raw milk across state lines.

Thrilling.

Yeah.

And I remember as a teenager finding out about like, because there's people that are raw milk fanatics.

Yeah.

They're like, this is, this cures cancer.

It fucking, you know, it's like, this raw milk is the answer.

But if you bring it across state lines, because it's not, you know, it's disgusting.

It's got like blood in it and shit.

It's like a serious fucking crime.

They take that, like, they take it very seriously.

Yeah.

You're really not supposed to bring that shit.

Do they respect you?

There's people that like sell their own breast milk to like breast milk fanatics.

Yeah.

You know, I think that that, though, is okay because it's not like an animal product.

Is it not?

Well here's here's why you can't make a law saying you can't bring breast milk across state lines because then basically no pregnant woman would be allowed to travel.

Well they say that but you can't

you know they're they're like a fetus is a person

but you also a pregnant woman isn't charged two airline tickets.

You know yeah so it's like I think there's a lot of loopholes with the whole thing.

Well you should see what these damn airlines are doing nowadays.

They're out of control.

They don't let you have a case.

These airlines are crazy.

If I was the FBI guy, I'd want to be the guy that comes into the crime scene and tells the local police that we're taking over the investigation.

Yeah.

And then the local cop's like, I just want,

I need this.

And I'm like, sorry, I'm the FBI.

It's mine now.

I also feel like I'm just remembering why I got into it was there was, I got obsessed with like misinformation and disinformation and shit like that.

And I was like, oh, so you want to be somebody that like cracks down on free speech?

Yeah.

Yeah, you want to be an anti-free speech.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a rule.

Yeah.

That's a rule.

I think we should take away free speech.

I think we should get rid of it.

As a stand-up, I think it could probably just sort of

slim the herd or whatever the phrase is.

Is that what the rule is?

Trim.

Am I thinking trim the hedges?

Slim the herd.

Thin the herd.

Thin out the herd.

I'm glad you misspoke.

I almost stumbled on my words a second ago, and I was like, am I having a stroke?

No,

people do it.

Everybody's been misspeaking.

Well, this place is filled with asbestos.

It's got it.

For sure.

Yeah.

I don't know what's in the ceiling.

I thought I had monkeypox the other day because I got like ringworm or something on my arms.

He's a gay guy.

Sure.

I had gay sex.

I thought I had

ringworm or something, and then I met up with Steven, the guy that edits the show.

And

he just has monkeypox.

Right.

Like, without a doubt, he's got monkeypox.

I thought he said he beat monkeypox.

Is this a bit, or are you serious?

He has a fucking, he has a monkeypox lesion on his arm for sure.

Are you sure it's not ringworm?

He's, I'm like, I was like, bro, you got monkeypox.

And he's like, no, what this is, is it was like a pimple that got infected.

I'm like, okay.

No one gets arm pimple.

Usually the monkey pox is like here, right?

If you're sucking dick.

If you're sucking dick.

If you're on the train and you brush past a gay guy's purse, that's how you get a fucking forearm.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's, yeah.

Or you're, you know, you're reaching down into a man's ass because you lost your wallet.

You lost your wallet.

Yeah.

Your watch came off.

You couldn't find your metro card.

In the fist thing.

You're like, oh, that's right.

Yeah.

It's in his asshole.

Yeah.

I just, you know, I'm not gay, but I'm a ventriloquist act.

And with inflation, the dummies are so expensive.

I have to use a real person.

You got to use a gay guy.

A tiny Chinese.

Well, you don't have to use a gay guy, but you do have to go on Craigslist, and whoever shows up shows up yeah yeah and just stick to the script pal

don't get cute with it this ain't broadway

we don't need you to get too fucking creative yeah because you're always doing stuff like that

yeah now it's like i i think i'm like developing like health anxiety so there'll be like a brief second where i think i'm gonna like stumble over my words yeah i'm like something's wrong yeah something's wrong and then i just like panic right and then i'll make myself do it.

No, I mean we were talking about this before the show.

I think I had like cardiophobia.

I think I just have broad like health anxiety right now.

Same.

Anytime something happens to you with your health and you have to be around doctors, they are constantly making you nervous because you'll go in and they'll be like, well, it could just be a little scratch or you could be dying.

Well, it's also the result of like two years of just the entire focus of everyone's life being on health.

On health, yeah.

Yeah.

So, you know, at a certain point, I mean.

Well, it's also, you kind of realized, like they're really guessing they really

know what the fuck they're talking about.

It's truly I look at doctors now the same way I look at like vets, which I know they're doctors, but like not really.

And you they're just I'm like, why don't I just go on fucking WebMD?

Yeah.

Dude, my friend told me this.

I can sell whatever.

He wouldn't care.

He had to go take care of his grandfather because he had a surgery.

And he's like, he told me what it was.

And it's like so sad what happens to the human body.

But

like he was getting so many catheters that it fucked up his dick head,

and so he had to get like they had to go in from the bottom into the p-hole because like they couldn't keep putting it in the dick hole like on the end

like track marks.

Yeah, he's like an old man with dementia, and they had to take him for his for his peace, his penis surgery.

You know what male cats are?

Male cats sometimes they have to get their dick removed.

Their dicks are disgusting because they'll get like UTIs and they have to put a catheter in, and cats' dicks are so small that they'll just rip the cat's dick off, taking the catheter out.

Oh, fuck.

Well, also,

Josh Androwski's cat.

Cat's dicks have like

hooks in them.

Yeah, yeah.

So I feel like that would be problematic if you're trying to.

You know what I'm saying?

Maybe your friend's granddad had

a hook in his dick.

Maybe he had a cat dick.

Maybe he had a cat dick.

You never know.

Maybe that's what the surgery was.

I felt so bad for him.

You're like,

just shoot me in the head if that's ever happening.

Dude, it's really scary to think about aging because I'm like getting old for the first time.

And I'm like, that's not true.

Everybody, you're always getting old.

No, but this is, but you're like, it's different.

Late 30s is a different fucking thing.

So you're really only feeling that now?

I feel that already.

I'm 33.

Oh, yeah.

My fucking joints hurt.

I'm like, do I have, am I having a stroke?

I'm like, I really worry about it.

Like, every three days, I'm like, I'm having a stroke.

Dude, it's, I'm, I'm like, I went into the pandemic at 35, I'm 37, and I am, like, looking around and being like, like at comedy shows and shit, and being like, I'm talking to children.

Yeah.

These are little baby children.

And they're like,

in two years or three years, they're going to be my age, but

it's a different feeling.

Like, I'm starting to mispronounce like every famous person a little bit.

Like, I'm saying their name wrong.

And it's, I'm just like, I'm fucking washed, you know, stretching in public.

And,

oh, God, it's like sad.

Yeah, I've already started doing the thing where I like ramble like an old person.

Yeah.

Like, I'll talk to somebody, I'll be like, yo, and then I catch myself, and I'm like 15 minutes into a story about Panera bread changing the menu.

Yeah.

You know, and it's like, what am I doing?

What am I

telling this person this?

Yeah.

And I'm like, because you know, they used to have the smokehouse turkey, but then they replaced it with the chicken fontega, which is good, but, you know, it's not the smokehouse turkey was like, it was kind of the only thing in that segment on the menu.

You just want to hang up on yourself?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, what the fuck is happening?

Right.

I know exactly what you're talking.

Like, I just have these moments where I'm like, shut up, you dumb old whore.

I'm like, I'm doing IVF, and I'm like, what the fuck?

The only reason I'm doing, like, I'm freezing embryos because I should have had a child at this point.

Like, I should.

So if I was going to have kids, I should have already done it.

But,

how old are you?

37.

Yeah, that's not, that's fine.

That's like the age, right?

Yeah, if I got pregnant right now, it would be fine.

Yeah.

But I'm like.

You're worried about Down syndrome.

I'm worried.

Yes.

Yeah, first of all.

It's me and Andy.

So things are going to change.

It's like you in 17 years, and it's been a long day at work, and you open the freezer, and there's just a bunch of empty ice cream pints, and you look through all and you're like, and you go out in the living room, and you're like, come on, man.

He's like, well, maybe you shouldn't have waited so long to get pregnant.

And then you wouldn't be in this situation.

Maybe you wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't waited so long to get pregnant.

Maybe you shouldn't have sweated around in your 20s and early 30s.

You would have a son that eats maybe a chex mix after school instead of 17 pints of ice.

I feel like the industry is at a place where

having a mentally handicapped child would only help my career.

Oh, yeah.

You could take that shit to the top.

Yeah.

You could ride that little fucker all the way to the top.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

It used to be their own Olympics.

They're going to have to put a regular.

They're going to have to integrate the Olympics.

Yeah.

I hope so.

Let's make it fucking fun.

They already integrated Sports Illustrated.

You know how much that's got to suck if you're like a retarded football player?

And then you see the Sports Illustrated, like they're like, oh, she gets to be in the regular Sports Illustrated, but I still got to play retard football.

The cheerleaders, they're fine.

They get to be in the normal stuff.

But I'm still playing, and they're counting the score with fucking jelly beans.

You got a fucking abacus made of candy.

That's fucking funny.

Oh, my gosh.

Anyways.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to freeze my kid and then I'll have it when I'm 50 and it'll be a, it'll have Down syndrome.

Yeah.

Or I think autism, they say also.

But older.

Down syndrome is actually almost like eliminated, is what I heard because

they're testing for it so early.

Yeah, there's a eugenics.

There is.

Yeah.

It is kind of fucked up because honestly, and the older I get, I mean, this is like, it's funny.

It was like a thing I used to make fun of when I was younger and more cynical.

But like, you know, like when people are like, actually, we can learn from them,

you know, retarded people.

They can actually be the teachers.

Actually, they're the wise.

Yeah, maybe you're just fucking stupid.

You know, but like, the only thing that matters in life, the only measure of quality of life is like how happy you are.

Right.

And they've got it in spades.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're such good guys.

Absolutely.

My first friend in school had Down syndrome.

Her name was Elise.

And I had the most fucking fun with her.

And I remember my mom being very nervous and concerned and saying that it was important to make friends with everyone.

Yeah.

But I

wanted you to get other friends.

I loved her.

Elise was crazy.

She would just walk up to people, pull their fucking pants down.

I feel like the only way I could have a family that stayed together is if we had one, like one of them would have to be.

The older one would have to be retarded.

Those are the best families.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're like good people.

Yeah.

Except for Racine.

Yeah, I guess.

But his brother has autism, right?

Yeah, his brother's autism.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They keep him in a cage and

they let him out of Christmas.

I love Racine.

His kid is so fucking cute.

He's so cute, Ben.

I honestly

huge.

That's a big boy.

Yeah, yeah.

Racine and Deb are like the best case scenario for people meeting in comedy, I think.

Yeah.

Like I look at the two of them and I'm like, that's a fucking

like, look,

we can do it.

I remember

they had their kid around the same time as like a bunch of my like Jewish friends from like back in the day.

And I'd go visit the kids.

I'd see my friends like neurotically like the head to protect the head, you know, like just freaking out.

Right.

And then I went over to Mike's to see the new baby.

Yeah.

And like, they were like, yeah, he's fine.

I don't know.

You know, and I was just like, oh, wow, these people are like...

They got a zip line or attached him to them.

Just throw him out.

They're like tossing him across the room.

Just send the baby over here.

Just put him on the floor in the middle of the room.

We'll come back in an hour and a half.

He'll be fine.

My friend just came to visit with her kid, and

I took him to the Museum of Ice Cream, and he was falling.

Is that your Down syndrome, friend?

No.

Oh, no.

No.

I actually got a job at a museum.

I'm a cure waiter.

I'm looking at a museum now.

I wonder what she's up to.

I actually, like, never,

I don't know what happened.

She never came back, but

she, like, I took him to the Museum of Ice Cream, which you should, if you take a kid there, it's like kind of giving a molly because it's just every room is like neon lights and fucking,

you know, they're like flash slides and there's like a glitter pool or whatever.

But her kids started falling asleep and she was like, well, what's the point of being here?

And I was like, dude, us.

Like, what's us?

That's the point.

It's a weird thing when your friends start having kids to see them just sort of lose their own

youth in that way.

It's sad.

Yeah.

You go like, fuck, what happened to you just wanting to have fun?

Like, this is, this sucks now.

Yeah.

Everything's for this kid, which I guess is, that's what it's supposed to be about.

Yeah, it's probably pretty nice, honestly.

Yeah.

It's better than, you know, just being you and you got a podcast.

You're trying to

figure out a way to justify, keep doing it.

I think.

You don't really feel like an artist anymore.

You don't know why you did anything.

Right.

You have to just invent medical problems.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like,

something's got to give.

Right.

Something's got to be done.

I've had the same thoughts of like, oh, maybe I should.

But then I was like, what if I feel the exact same way and then I just have this kid next to me

and I'm still worried about like keeping my podcast going?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or whatever.

Well, then you'd be microcene.

Yeah.

I guess.

And he seems happier, or at least he's gaining weight.

He does seem happier.

Yeah.

Very round.

He's gaining weight in a very funny way.

Yeah.

His all belly.

His body is very.

I'm like, this guy looks like a stretched water balloon.

Well, his head is moving forward and down.

Yes, yes.

Like his stomach is just getting bigger.

Well, his body is matching the personality that he's always had.

Right, yeah.

In a way, it's very satisfying.

It's like watching

the completion of the circle.

Some people get fat in a way that's just sort of inopportune.

Hampton got fat in a very funny way.

Hampton?

Hampton Young.

Oh, I don't know Hampton.

Oh, you don't?

No, I mean, I know of him.

I just haven't seen a photo of him in full.

But he lost all the weight.

He did lose all the weight.

And then I'm not sure where he's at now.

He could have it back.

I haven't seen Hampton in years, but he moved to L.A.

I remember him moving to LA, and then I saw him, and I hadn't seen him for like a year.

Somebody should start some kind of account

so that we can track this.

The best is Lev.

Lev's weight gain is one of the funniest pieces of.

He should get the Mark Twain Prize for fucking how fucking funny it i know his weight gait is i know it's like it's and it's so satisfying it's a work of art

the way in which that guy got fat like nobody saw him for you know the pandemic yeah and then he comes back and he's 400 pounds heavy you're like what yeah no i mean looking at him i was like oh you've always been like this yeah this is who you actually are no it's like

it's like the shallow it's like watching the shallow howl trailer yeah where he like walks past something and he's suddenly just big as shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're like, this is.

And oddly enough, like sometimes people, I think, become

better when they're fat.

I think he got to, he's a worse person, but he is better for it.

Does that make sense?

You think he became a worse person when he got fat?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's like meaner, you know what I mean?

I don't think he's meaner.

He's somehow more confident.

I mean, it's bizarre.

That's kind of what I meant by confident.

Yeah, by meaner, but yes, yeah.

It's what's the confidence you get when you go, because he was a young guy, so he was doing comedy.

He was like 19, 20.

Right, and he was hot.

Yeah.

But now he's like, maybe he's like 23 or something.

You know about switches when you're like, oh, I'm an adult now.

Yeah.

Like

these people I'm around are just like you get to hear, and then you just get dumber.

Your brain starts like breaking down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so he has the confidence of being an adult, but he also is not.

Now he's just a fat, he's just incredibly fat

guy who just clothes don't fit.

I thought he was losing the weight.

I thought he was on his way to leave.

Let him have a bet because he was like, I sat with him one time, and

he just has this unshakable confidence, which is, I think he was fat before this, too.

Like, he was only hot for like two years.

Yeah, it was like we only knew him after he lost the weight.

Yeah, he got hot and then just produced a lifetime worth of hot content.

Yeah.

Because if you Google his name, there's no fat pictures.

Absolutely.

It's just the eight months in which he was not fat.

And that's like the story.

Yeah, he created his own makeaway.

That's what goes on the tape.

And then, yeah, you can't find anything current.

But yeah, I meet him at a bet because he was sat there.

He's just sitting there with his eyebrow raised.

And he's like, by this time next year, I'll be.

He's like, I'll be 200 pounds lighter.

And I'm like, you won't even be, I'm like, you won't lose

anything.

I'm like, nothing.

He's like, I guarantee you I will.

I'm like, I'll bet you $1,000.

I'll bet you $1,000.

Did he take it?

Yeah, he took the bet.

Yeah, we got a bet going.

Okay.

And then the next time I saw him, he's like, I'm down 25 pounds.

I'm like, fuck.

Well, I guess I owe you $1,000.

We'll see what happens.

Yeah.

And then I saw him last night.

Fuck

fat as shit, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to start bringing your own scale, too.

Yeah.

I don't even want the money.

Because he's at a level of fat where it's like, if he loses fucking 20 pounds, you're not going to know.

Yeah.

Like, he's not, 20 pounds on him is like five pounds on him

on a regular body.

I hope he loses the weight for his health.

What he should do is he should do a seasonal thing.

He should do comedy for eight months, and in those eight months, he's just wildly overweight.

He's just obese.

But then continues to do dating advice stuff.

Yeah.

Like telling guys how to get the most out of their woman.

It's just his ass.

His fucking ass is hanging out.

You know, he's so wide.

He's such a circle-shaped person now.

Yeah.

He really is.

Yeah.

No, because he doesn't know the role.

He looks like the little Miss Sunshine drawings.

He's awesome, dude.

I love him.

Yeah, he's great.

He's maybe my favorite person in comedy.

He cracks me up just because when I watch him talk to people, and he's done it to me too, he's gotten me before where, like, he'll just piss me off.

Like,

he got me to the point.

I forget what the fuck we were talking about, but it was something where he was just trying to be antagonistic.

And I was like, and I just fell for it.

And I was like, oh, he fucking got me so good.

Yeah.

I was like yelling at him in the stand.

And then I was like, what am I doing?

I'm like fighting with like a child.

And it's like 11.30.

I have a husband at home.

Yeah.

And I'm not leaving.

Me and him like co-hosted some shitty upstairs show at the stand one time.

And somebody took a picture and not only, I mean, you know, I weigh like 10 pounds.

Yeah.

You know,

but I was also just like in the background with the shot.

And then he's sitting on the stool.

And he saw the picture.

And he's like, he just, he couldn't believe that it was the, like that.

He's like, the picture must be wrong.

He's like, I'm not that fat.

He's like, he's like, I don't look like that, do I?

It's like, yeah.

Yeah.

That's literally a photo of you.

Yeah.

That someone just took.

You currently look.

But that's what happens when you get, I was like a fat kid.

And when I look at pictures of my, I remember looking at pictures of myself and being like, no, no, no, that's, no.

Yeah.

Because you start to go, it's the angle.

Yeah.

Or like, it's actually just like the shadow of my shirt.

Yeah, It's the gravity, the gravity and the lens, right?

Yeah, and then, like, but at 23, you're supposed to be able to look at a photo of yourself and go, like, oh, this is a problem, yeah, or just never look at photos of yourself, yeah, just smash the mirror in your apartment, smash all the mirrors, live in filth, and come here and sleep on the floor of the studio, and just bury yourself in work.

It was so funny when I saw him for the first time after the pandemic, and he was talking about his girlfriend, and he was like, She's a fucking saint, you know, like because she'd stayed with him,

and he meant it.

I was like,

I was like, this is really funny to me.

She's a saint.

Yeah.

Which saint?

Let's go through the canon.

Tell me which saint

was the one, the patron saint of watching a guy kill himself with Panda Express.

Which one was that?

She's a saint.

I was like, okay.

Well, anyways, Adam, you want to...

take us out here?

Yeah.

We can continue doing the show, by the way.

I do think I'm going to like, I need to drink some water or something.

You're going to faint.

Yeah, I think I need to go get a physical because I did aside from.

I did come from the doctors, but I think I need to run and get a physical.

Aside from

the medical or

health phobia, I think I did switch to veganism.

Oh, yeah.

I need to make sure I'm not fucking up my

levels.

Iron levels.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you take a prenatal vitamin?

I do.

I take a good, well, you know, it's like I don't, I don't, I I use, I've, for years, I've always taken a good multivitamin.

Yeah.

Now I like supplement B vitamins on top of it, just in case.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's, see, this is the shit that I'm talking about.

We could talk about supplements for a while.

We honestly, we should.

I brought six bottles to go to my dad's house for a night.

I'm thinking about going to Chipotle after this.

The two top Patreon.

The Adam Freeland show is going to be the number one Patreon.

We will.

Yeah.

Million dollars a month.

Patreon.com/slash T-A-F-S.

And then we're going to exclusive video content.

Entirely separate from the networks,

Anderson Cooper, Mad TV.

The greatest show.

I can see that, yeah.

But the top two recurrently is True Crime Bullshit, and then, well, I guess

Tim Dillon after that.

But then there's one that's like just a nutrition podcast.

Uh-huh.

Something called Maintenance Phase.

And they make like $800 million a month being like fucking peanut butter and jelly.

Whatever the fuck they talk about.

Ooh.

But you guys

have to get slips, those motherfuckers.

Yeah, we will.

Get Anderson Cooper in here.

We're getting big slips on the new show.

We're booking it.

Yeah.

We got huge, huge guests coming through.

Huge.

I don't want to gas it up too much, but huge.

Jessica Chastain.

Jessica Chastain.

Tom said no.

Yeah.

Tom confirmed he was not interested today.

It broke my heart.

Timothy What's his face?

That famous Chalame.

Yeah.

He's coming on.

We're going to talk about the Willie Walker Walker movie.

Yeah.

And be like, how do you, what was your process?

How does it feel to be an icon with regards to the Down syndrome community?

You're both a gay icon and

the king of candy.

And the king of candy.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, they call him the king of candy.

Timothy Chalamay,

a twinkish boy.

Just like a guy with Down syndrome at Blockbuster picking up candy, man.

He's like, oh, this looks good.

He's at home watching it.

He's like, what the hell?

Where's all the candy?

It's just so.

It's a fucking black guy.

I'm going to watch a movie about a fucking black guy.

I thought we were going to watch something with Twizzlers and Rainbows.

I thought this was supposed to be about the candy.

What is wrong with our society?

And all of this.

I love that this starts with him at Blockbuster, too.

Yeah.

Which is just him at this point in a warehouse somewhere that he's calling Blockbuster.

But folks, we do have now.

Have you seen that picture, right, of like the dad who for his autistic son recreated a Blockbuster shelf in their house

so their autistic son could go pick out movies at Blockbuster?

No, I did not see that.

Very adorable.

That's very sweet.

See, that's the kind of thing I need in my life.

For me to just

ignore my regular children and helping them with their homework and dealing with the nuances of complex emotions.

I'm like, look, I just got to build your retard brother a blockbuster shelf.

That's the kind of dad.

You can homeschool yourself because your brother needs help.

I don't know shit about the fucking Revolutionary War.

Don't ask me.

Go check Netflix.

I'm too busy with this.

No,

no, I can't tell you about girls.

I got to find the right kind of slot board to hang up these fucking get the font right.

You know what kind of temper tantrum he's going to have if finding Nemo doesn't look perfect on that shelf.

I kind of like this.

I like this idea.

Yeah.

More and more, I'm like, maybe I'll just go into the doctors at the end of the month and be like, can you get me one with Down syndrome?

No, it'd be nice.

It kind of would be nice.

Yeah, I'm sure for him, he'd be like, whew, I can take a load off.

He'd be just a fucking source of constant joy.

Because it's just me in there and a bunch of women in their mid-50s trying to get pregnant from the upper west side.

I've said it before, but I would love to have a Down syndrome son and a normal daughter, like a smart daughter, and just be awful to the daughter.

Yeah.

But like in the way a mom would.

Yeah.

Be like, you look like shit.

You're going out wearing that.

You look fat.

Your arms are fat.

You shouldn't pose sideways anymore.

Sweetie, that's not your color.

Yeah.

Just at Thanksgiving, she's on her first plate, and I'm like,

okay.

Maybe a little less.

Maybe you want to take some breaths between bites.

That's literally my childhood.

Just be a bitch, mom.

Dude, my mom was such a bitch.

She would drop me off at friends' houses.

She'd say to their mom, she'd be like, hey, Rosebud likes to snack.

So maybe just close the pantry

while she's here.

I brought a padlock if you want to go in.

I'll install it now.

I brought a padlock and a bag of celery.

I got drywall screws.

She starts to ask for more.

You can put her in the backyard and tie her there.

Well, Rosebud, thank you for joining us.

Thank you so much for joining us.

This is fun.

Folks, just an update, we have a real timeline for the launch of the actual show.

Nick and I are pretty excited.

Things are coming together.

I'm sorry about all the wires

that are exposed right now.

Nick, sometimes I'll say something to Nick, and then he'll go silent and I'll hear banging in the other room and then there will be more wires pulled out of the walls.

Right.

I think it's like a therapy for him.

Well, no, obviously.

I mean, it feels like he's in the middle of something really important, but nobody understands what it is.

And that's obviously, if there is a mark of genius that we've learned from Hollywood.

I'm trying to make the world's best magician.

You know?

Just build it.

Just build it.

Okay.

All right.

Well, thanks for joining us.

Thanks so much.

Thanks, guys.

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