Ep. X03 – TAFS Test Episode 3: Gun Violence

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Speaker 1 that's quince.com slash tafs free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash t a f sing the song

Speaker 1 Sing the song

Speaker 1 I don't want to sing the song come on sing the song man I I did the

Speaker 1 it's not. You can't.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? People loved it. Well, then

Speaker 1 they can go to.

Speaker 1 No, we're doing this because a girl's here, right? I don't want to see it. No, we did it.
Yeah, you are. No, I'm not doing it because you're going to see it.
Jordan, tell me what I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 I really would love it if you sound hard.

Speaker 1 The girl's asking you. We're already too far into the song.
Come on. I already missed my mark.

Speaker 1 Remade this song. You did?

Speaker 1 I produced this song. It's a new theme song.
It's a new theme song for me. Sing it for the show.
Sing it for the show. We're going to get like a Delta Blues black guy to sing the intro music.

Speaker 1 I filled in last week because we couldn't find a black guy in time. On the Patreon episode, patreon.com/slash come town.
That's it, my boy, After the Money. That's how you know he's a star.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, after the money? You're the producer. I'm going to do it on the Patreon just to hear it.

Speaker 1 Nick, just do it for Jordan. I'm not going to.
I'll sing. Maybe if you want to, you can sign up to the Patreon.
Do it for Jordan. We're here for you.
I want to hear it. I want to hear right now.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to come in.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to come in and make myself the star of the Adam Friedland show. You're not the star.
I know, but right up top, everybody. This is a show about me.
Everyone's listening for me.

Speaker 1 It'll become a music show. Do you sing about Adam? Yeah, well, it's the Adam Friedland Show.
Let's do it for Jordan. I'll get it.
We'll move on. No, no.
Come on.

Speaker 1 Come on. I'm telling you, we got limited time.

Speaker 1 Jordan Jensen is here, saving the Adam Friedland Show. What do you mean, save the? Past episode 104.

Speaker 1 We got into an hour and a half long argument about me singing already. Yeah, this is a single one.
We already know. It's an hour and a half, give or take.
No, it ain't a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 What about the outro? Are we singing on the outro? Maybe. We'll see how I feel.
Can I try to sing it

Speaker 1 in the style of Nick? Oh, he's going to be able to do that. You want me to go?

Speaker 1 I didn't want to sing it. I have a bad voice.
But it's your show. We'll start it over.

Speaker 1 And then I also, what do you think about this? Getting rid of

Speaker 1 the first part of this song at a certain point. Once we got the studio.
We've got to phase it out. We've got to phase it out.
Slowly. Because you know what, guys? This isn't Come Town anymore.

Speaker 1 We're transitioning the brand. Yeah.
Yeah. You're very good at that.

Speaker 1 Transitioning. Transitioning? Transitioning.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Alright, play the song.

Speaker 1 We do in the healing. I'll just do it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you sing the song then. You can do it.
It's just you maybe want to give it a measure until the drums start.

Speaker 1 Run it back, run it back. I can't.
Unfortunately, there's no way to run it back. It's a one-shot.
Just start it from the home improvement.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 boy.

Speaker 1 Count me off.

Speaker 1 And go.

Speaker 1 We're going down in the river.

Speaker 1 We're going down in the show.

Speaker 1 We're going down the river. It's an Adam Freeland show.

Speaker 1 Nick, just do it. You do it better.
No, it's good. You have a good voice.
No, because now you're building up. You're building things up.
No, Jordan wants to hear it. Come on.

Speaker 1 Please. At the end.
At the end. For my birthday.

Speaker 1 We're getting inside.

Speaker 1 Come on. I need to be cleansed of what Adam just saying.
No, it's bad. That was really bad.

Speaker 1 She hated it. It's all right.
We'll get it. You did that so I'd look bad and friends.

Speaker 1 We got a long show today.

Speaker 1 Sorry, you haven't been. This is a new show, the Adam Friedland Show.
Jordan, thanks for coming. It's on Come Town anymore.
It's not Cometown anymore. It's more structured.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of stepping back into more of like a producer role. Nice.
Filling in where I'm needed. Okay, great.
You know, which is last week,

Speaker 1 singing.

Speaker 1 This week, keeping us on track. I see.
I see. He's just doing his job, Adam.
He's just doing his job. Yeah.
Making sure. For my birthday.
And making sure, look, we got tarot chips. I'm going to be 36.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be able to say we're going to eat on the pod. April 10th next year.
And it's 36.

Speaker 1 And now you've got to

Speaker 1 got a real TV show. You haven't got me a birthday present in years.

Speaker 1 We're pivoting to where Adam bosses you around, though, which might kind of be nice, where he can tell the producer to sing. But you know what?

Speaker 1 He has been bossing me around, and it's given me a sort of a healthy type of stress that's been missing in my life. Nice.
Some structure.

Speaker 1 That's right. Yeah, to have a boss that's upsetting me, and I complain to the cat here at home.
I'm a nightmare. Yeah, I'm high.
I'm not afraid of this place. Did you do this puzzle and leave?

Speaker 1 Are you doing it systematically from left to right? No,

Speaker 1 I didn't want

Speaker 1 this. I'm going through the puzzles that I didn't want in here, and that one has a color-coded system for beginners.

Speaker 1 So I'm just getting it out of the way, and then I'll frame it, and maybe it'll go on the wall. Probably not.
Oh, you're a puzzle framer.

Speaker 1 Well, I got all this shit I need. You can take a look at the art that's going to go on the wall over there.

Speaker 1 My Mark Wahlberg poster fell off the wall and shattered. Oh, I see.
So

Speaker 1 I got to take all of these things here to

Speaker 1 the,

Speaker 1 I guess, Michaels. And one of them is

Speaker 1 a lot of that is.

Speaker 1 Blick. To blick.
To blick. And I don't know if they'll do it because some of it is obscene.
This up here? Yeah, it's like Shrek and he's pregnant. Yeah, yeah.
Who's that girl that made me?

Speaker 1 Shut her up. She's very good.
Mario Paint Girl. She's very good.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, Jordan. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know you brought up the puzzle, but Nick doesn't like his personal life being this person. Oh, sorry.
Sorry. Right.
This is the Adam Friedland kind of show.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, just in general, he's never like talking about his personal life. Okay, well, that goes for me, too.
Remember? Yeah. What? What I'm talking about?

Speaker 1 Herpes. What are you talking?

Speaker 1 HIV. Oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, you said a real thing. Yeah, a real thing.
I wasn't going to ask. That's the other thing, too, about the Adam Friedland show.
Literally the entire thing is bullshit.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. Perfect.
So none of the emotions are real, not a single word. Okay, great.
No, this is...

Speaker 1 It's like smarter. It's like a more intellectual approach to podcasting.
We're trying to ease our way into public intellectuals.

Speaker 1 So we're starting with comedians, and by the time we drop the home improvement theme at the beginning, we're going to have fucking

Speaker 1 Nina Turner on here talking about... I would love her.
Yeah. She'd be a big gut.
Talking about

Speaker 1 how are we going to get the vote to

Speaker 1 take the vote to them or whatever the fuck.

Speaker 1 How are we going to bring them the vote? How are we going to get the vote? How are we going to carry the vote over there?

Speaker 1 What are we going to put the vote in? That's right. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 So this show is a little bit more structured. We would have like a topic every time,

Speaker 1 and we were going to do Animal Kingdom for this one.

Speaker 1 But then

Speaker 1 we need to have the studio first because we wanted to bring in one of those zoo lesbians to bring in an element. Oh, nice.
It is frequently a lesbian. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is. Matt Cargo Pockets.
Yeah, yeah. The elephant lady.
Who's the elephant lady?

Speaker 1 All of them? I remember. The first elephant lady.
Oh, no, the chimpanzee studying lady. Remember?

Speaker 1 Jane Goody. Yeah, she was for sure.
Yeah. Big old dyke.
Yeah. 100%.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or fuck the monkeys. And

Speaker 1 I think it starts off with the clothes. Yeah,

Speaker 1 they have no interest in the animals. They're like, I want something.
I want like a nine and a half inch zipper and big pockets in the front.

Speaker 1 And then next thing you know, people are like, do you talk to monkeys, right? Look what you're wearing. Animals respect you.
You teach deaf gorillas how to talk to each other.

Speaker 1 I will say my mom's a lesbian, and she has animals surrounding her at all times. She hates them, but like wild animals come up to her frequently.
Is she a master of beasts?

Speaker 1 She does seem to be a master. I mean it really is like her throwing rocks at like baby deer that are just following her around.
It's quite bizarre. A woodchuck today.
I saw her today.

Speaker 1 Three woodchucks were surrounding her on a job site. She was trying to get them away.
Yeah, it's like Ace Ventura if Ace Ventura was ate pussy, you know. Wow.

Speaker 1 What is it about carpet munching that animals respect? I'm not sure. Maybe an authoritative figure that's also maternal.
You know, that's why I follow my mom around. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So we can't do Animal Kingdom. Okay.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 It's not visual enough. But maybe when we do, we can have your mom and her chipmunks come.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would love to have her on.

Speaker 1 Because I've kind of I got into a fight with the Bronx Zoo over COVID protocol stuff. I thought you remember.
I am. And that's why I got, you know,

Speaker 1 I just found out there's a zoo in Prospect Park. I had no idea.
There is.

Speaker 1 I heard a screaming, screaming noise. And every time I ran there, I would hear just this,

Speaker 1 and I couldn't figure it out. And then finally, I walked up to a guy who was working behind a fence, and I was like, what is that? And he was like, he's just wanted it as being retarded.

Speaker 1 It was insane. And I was like, there's a zoo.
And he was like, yeah, over here. And I was like, oh, I haven't been.
Oh, you didn't. I thought you were at the zoo and then you heard a farm.

Speaker 1 No, I was running in Prospect Park and I heard a sea lion screaming. No idea there was a zoo.
I mean, I thought it was, you know, like a child being raped. I got my hopes up, really.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would that have excited if if you saw that, a child being raped? And just to shake shit up, the monotony of life. She's being weird all edgy, kind of.
Yeah, yeah, I'm being edgy.

Speaker 1 She's saying fucked up crap. Yeah.
Yeah. That's not the kind of show this is.
Oh, I see, I see, I see. Okay, all right.
So it's not that.

Speaker 1 Some messed up crap happened this week, I guess, with the shooting, which kind of saved our asses. Yeah.
What was the shooting?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? What? I don't read anything. I told you it's a public affairs show.

Speaker 1 What happened? Yesterday in

Speaker 1 a suburb of Chicago, that people on Twitter wanted to make sure everyone knows that it's not Chicago. Jewish.
It's a Jewish. It's a North Shore.
Yeah. Yeah, Highland Park.
Highland Park.

Speaker 1 Highland Park is the name of it.

Speaker 1 There was

Speaker 1 an Italian-American Uyghur

Speaker 1 shot up a boy named Robert Cremo III.

Speaker 1 Shot him up, shot him up.

Speaker 1 Shot a parade up.

Speaker 1 Oh. Mass shooting AR-15.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 So that saved you guys? Thank God for that.

Speaker 1 Well, now we didn't have anything to talk about. Yeah, we were kind of stuck on the animals, and then we're like, we can't do it until we have video.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then we're like, what the fuck else do we talk about? So the topic for this episode is going to be gun violence. We're going to tackle it.
And we got Nina Turner. Well,

Speaker 1 I might just do an impression of Nina Turner, I guess.

Speaker 1 I think that's sufficient, yeah. Yeah.
Because we can't get her yet.

Speaker 1 She's like, y'all.

Speaker 1 Y'all.

Speaker 1 I can't. I've only seen her tweets, but

Speaker 1 you know. They're mostly that, right?

Speaker 1 A lot of snaps. A lot of snaps.
Girls. Stop playing with the guns.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so she'll come on and say something like that.

Speaker 1 And then.

Speaker 1 Maybe

Speaker 1 we can get another white rapper, another Italian-American white rapper to give maybe Cremo's side of the story. And this is on the Animal Kingdom episode.
No, this is the guns episode.

Speaker 1 Are you not listening?

Speaker 1 I think you should put them together. You know, it was very funny yesterday is

Speaker 1 I was watching the news,

Speaker 1 like CNN, and after the shooting, and they had like Wolf Blitzer, and then because it's 4th of July, they had 4th of July shit planned. So it cuts to Don Lemon,

Speaker 1 and they have not thought at all about what they're going to say about this shooting. He's like, yes, tragically, there was a tragedy,

Speaker 1 but Americans are not going to let this stop them from dreaming of

Speaker 1 today's

Speaker 1 birthday of America, and we're going to celebrate it, and it is a tragic day, but here's Pitbull

Speaker 1 doing Tinder with Lady Gaga. Wow.
And then, yeah, just

Speaker 1 no way to transition.

Speaker 1 And then they just go to Pitbull, and Pitbull's doing the same thing that he's been doing for the last 35 years. Wow, bleak.

Speaker 1 But I love Pitbull, honestly. Pitbull's great, but he's a good person.
He's in an institution. Yeah.
I mean, what do you say? You know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that why they canceled a whole bunch of fireworks and stuff, or was that COVID? Like, I was in Ithaca. They're like, no, fireworks.
Surely it wasn't because somebody got shot in Chicago.

Speaker 1 We're not doing that. Well, that's some Ithaca shit that would happen.
Yeah. Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 is upstate New York like that? I think

Speaker 1 it's a liberal. Long Island cannot.
They love tragedy. A lot of upstate New York is MAGA, though.
Don't tread on me, Flag. Yeah, yeah, totally.
Not Ithaca. No, no, no.
Very much the opposite.

Speaker 1 Long Island would love a mass shooting to ruin the 4th of July. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That would make.

Speaker 1 I bet they're really upset that that didn't happen there. It depends what part of Long Island.
Definitely. In Ithaca,

Speaker 1 we were like, oh, hey, we were all at a 4th of July party. And I was like, eh, 4th of July.

Speaker 1 And everybody was like, I'm not feeling very patriotic. And I was like, we just made all this food, though.
And they're like, yeah, but fuck America. And I was like, I need to.
I hate all of you.

Speaker 1 Really? Shoot this place up. Yeah, yeah.
It's very likely. They couldn't eat because they were remembering.

Speaker 1 They were eating, but they were like, it just happens to be the day. But fuck, fuck America.
It's very much that way. You know, they, yeah.
Were they pro-England, maybe?

Speaker 1 No, I'd say pro-like

Speaker 1 Denmark. You know what I mean? Denmark had a shooting, too.
Did they? Denmark had a mall shooting on the 4th of July.

Speaker 1 Trying to copy.

Speaker 1 I put that in the monologue. You were going to say there's something rotten in Denmark.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good.
It's the body of a four-year-old outside of the mall

Speaker 1 at whatever the mall where the shooting was. I guess his body is rotten.
It's decomposing.

Speaker 1 I was shot at the Syracuse Mall and he said, the guy, the booker of the funny bone in Syracuse, was like, we just had a mall shooting two days ago, and he had all these American flag things, and then he locked me in his office and tried to convince me to be super pro-gun.

Speaker 1 And he was like, I was like, yeah, I just don't know how I feel about it in New York. And he goes, well, where I come from, we have these people called Hill People.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, yeah. And he goes, but then we also have these people called, he was like, they live up in the hills.
And I was like, that makes sense.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, but we also have these people called feral people. And I I was like, what's up with the feral people? And he goes, oh, they're uncivilized.
And I was like, what?

Speaker 1 The hill people are debutants? What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just hill people, but they've got like a

Speaker 1 like a like a like a top hat with the hat, the top open like a can. Yeah, or their whole head just is a cone filling the hat.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's pretty cute. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When you said you locked the door, I thought that was going to go in a different direction. No, sometimes you got these bookers at clubs that just want to chat.

Speaker 1 So they're like, come to my office, we'll settle up. And then they write the check in super slow motion while they tell you their life story and why they hate their wife.

Speaker 1 And then they try and come on you. But that doesn't bother me.
That's what

Speaker 1 goes out of work. He tried to come on you? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 If I was there, I wouldn't let that happen. That's really nice of you, Adam.
Thank you so much. Kind of like Mark Wahlberg talking about 9-11.
That's why it's Adam Friedland Show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Adam, have you ever been cummed on in comedy?

Speaker 1 In comedy?

Speaker 1 Maybe we'll do... look, we'll scrap mass shootings.
Yeah, let's talk about

Speaker 1 sexual assaulting. We have those.

Speaker 1 I got plenty of those.

Speaker 1 You can maybe tell us some of your stories, Adam, about being on the road. Look,

Speaker 1 it's a long path to get here to be a late-night host. I know there's kids watching, and they think, I want to be Jimmy Kimmel, I want to be Conan O'Brien, I want to be Adam Friedland.

Speaker 1 And they imagine in their mind, you know, it's a 12-year-old boy. You know, you're cutting up.
You're the class clown. You think, I'm going to be that one day.

Speaker 1 And they think, well, I go to college and then I'm on the show.

Speaker 1 But no, it's years of being raped.

Speaker 1 Lots of rape. Yeah.
Raped in nightclubs by men and women. And yeah, maybe you want to tell some of those stories.
Well,

Speaker 1 every time I went to the police, they laughed at me. So I don't know.
Just if you promise to not belittle me or make fun of me. Me? It's a safe space.
Okay. I'm the producer.
Why would I belong?

Speaker 1 I'm all here to gas you up.

Speaker 1 I was Margaret. Gas you up, collect the paycheck.
That's it. I was Margaret.
Maybe do a couple of rapes myself. You know, who knows?

Speaker 1 Okay. Fingers crossed.
That's a trigger warning.

Speaker 1 I was Margaret Cho's opener. Margaret Choad? Cho.
Oh.

Speaker 1 She's a Korean-American stand-up comedian. That is recently.
That is not the first time I've made that mistake.

Speaker 1 To her face several times, I've met her. You called her that?

Speaker 1 I've misheard her every time.

Speaker 1 Because you had some inkling that she did some things to me. It's because she's shaped like a toad.
I think that's why her body and form is shaped like a toad. Yeah, tracks.
It makes sense.

Speaker 1 Well, I thought choad, I didn't realize it was a penis thing. I thought it meant Chinese toad

Speaker 1 the first time I heard it. I thought it was like a stage name she was doing.

Speaker 1 No, I think it's her Korean name. I'm sorry, Margaret Chod.

Speaker 1 And I haven't been to Montreal since.

Speaker 1 That was the last time I was invited there. Oh, to the JFL.
To JFL, yeah. This industry.

Speaker 1 I didn't realize I was on a hot mic that was piped into the PA system

Speaker 1 in front of the entire

Speaker 1 state of comedy,

Speaker 1 you know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fucking Howie Mandel was on stage talking about germs. Yeah, washing his hands.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's like, this 2014 is that there's a pandemic coming. We're all laughing at him at the time.
We're like, this bald freak. Yeah, you're gay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Margaret Cho comes up to me. Chod, yeah.
And I was, um you were bringing her up onto stage.

Speaker 1 Well, I we were just standing next to each other and I just saw kind of an Asian woman in my periphery, so I started putting my my shrimp

Speaker 1 my shrimp uh tails, which I had collected. I've been eating a bunch of hors d'oeuvres.
I didn't realize she was, you know, the talent.

Speaker 1 And so I just sort of fish I was just dropping them into her cleavage, thinking she had a plate or something to collect garbage or something. As if that was her.

Speaker 1 That's what they say. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, she's there.
I thought she was service industry. She's like, excuse me, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm done with my shrimp.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she said, do you know who I am? You can go now.

Speaker 1 And I said, of course not.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I'm just some, you know, I'm just, I'm not even supposed to be here. And you haven't even turned your head to look at her at this point.
You're just still looking, still dropping.

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't know if she had a husband, and that might be against the rules. Yeah, yeah.
And she said, I'm Margaret Cho.

Speaker 1 And I said, and it was one of those moments where, you know, there's like a dead silence. Right, right.
A pregnant pause. A pregnant pause for Howie Mandel because he's bombing.

Speaker 1 And so he's finished bombing. And I just say, I'm sorry, Margaret Chod.

Speaker 1 That's good. And yeah, I mean, you could hear a pin drop.
And Pin Drop, that was actually the name of her cousin from Korea.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 She said, yeah.

Speaker 1 I said, oh, Pin Drop, it's you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was the best Indian comedian that day was Pin Drop.

Speaker 1 You can hear Pin Drop. Pin Drop was,

Speaker 1 he was in the green room putting his dot on.

Speaker 1 He was getting his dot ready.

Speaker 1 He used to have this great pin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was, yeah, was the best Indian comedian.

Speaker 1 Pin drop. Oh, South Asian.
JFL. Peendrop.
Pin drop. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, gotcha. Pindrop.
How are they related, though? Pin drop jip jap. That was his name.

Speaker 1 He was the best Indian comedian at JFL that year. Oh, he's like a Uyghur kind of Indian.
Well, yeah.

Speaker 1 He had this great bid where he would put, you know, they have the red dot on his head. He would put a black dot up there.
Yeah. That's hilarious.
That's pretty funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he's like, it's not Russia.

Speaker 1 It's just a dot.

Speaker 1 But how big can the dot get so far?

Speaker 1 It's Russia.

Speaker 1 You know, it's pretty funny. And it turns out the answer was immediately because he got, yeah,

Speaker 1 the French Canadians do not take kindly to

Speaker 1 people from the colonies.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what it was. Yeah.
Oh, okay. He was beaten to death by

Speaker 1 shoeless court jesters, basically. Really? They just barefooted those

Speaker 1 French-Canadian goons.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I was Margaret Cho's opener for

Speaker 1 about three years.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I went through a process of psychic and sexual trauma

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 I guess will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Speaker 1 This might be too. Is it true what they say about

Speaker 1 sideways? Yes. That's what you're going to ask?

Speaker 1 I thought maybe that would be like a nice probing kind of question. Does it look like the eyes?

Speaker 1 I think that's what we want to know. Is it the same as the eyes?

Speaker 1 Come on, man.

Speaker 1 Just answer the question.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
Keep going then. All right.
But it doesn't matter. Let's get those tarot chips going.
Oh, it definitely matters. Crack those tarot chips.
Okay. I need a stress seat.
This cat.

Speaker 1 She's alright. The cat's all right.

Speaker 1 So, Margaret Cho raped you with her sideways vagina in two years. No, it was never penetrative.

Speaker 1 But, yeah, I would be sleeping.

Speaker 1 And she had a certain fetish where she would crawl into my bed.

Speaker 1 Could you just open those fucking chips? I'm sorry. Producer to the rescue.
Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 1 That's why he's paid. I'm like female.
I don't even use these hands. Well, it is really difficult.
It's like a prank bag. Yeah, it's difficult.
That is very difficult.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to just tear the bag.

Speaker 1 I saw you watching me tear it, and I saw you getting all OCD about it, and I was like, look, it's not going to go. That's the only way to do it.
We went sideways. That's why they call it Tear Uh.

Speaker 1 We went sideways like a certain other bag

Speaker 1 of

Speaker 1 Margaret Chose Pussy. Oh, I thought you were talking about the movie with Paul Giamatti and Thomas Hayden Church.
I always thought it was when I was a kid, my big joke when that movie came out.

Speaker 1 I was like, yeah, it's about Sandra O's vagina. That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 She is in that movie. She's in the movie.
Yeah, it is pretty good. Wow, that's gold.
That is very good. I was a funny kid.
He started early. Yeah, before I got raped.

Speaker 1 And then you've got to be a different kind of funny. That's a good movie.
I just watched it again recently. It's a great movie.

Speaker 1 When the fat guy has his body pressed up against the side of the car, you know, when he's chasing him down. So funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when he fucks that wife, the waitress, yeah, yeah, and his penis. You don't get your funny penis.
Penis. Flash out penis is a great bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They've kind of

Speaker 1 done it as much. I was thinking about doing that.
We do, I could just play the zoo lesbian when we get an animal or something on the show.

Speaker 1 And I put the shorts on, and I have my cock hanging out of one side of the shorts and then my nuts hanging out of the other. That's funny.

Speaker 1 That's funny. And that would be my big bit is on the animal.

Speaker 1 You want these, Adam?

Speaker 1 I mean, mean, I'd like some. They don't.
Okay. Yeah, please.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 after a show. After a show.
I thought this said tarred.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it looks a lot like tarred. Yeah.
It's a solid tard. All right, I'll just.
Also known as Malanga and Dashin. The white ship.
Who the fuck is reading this?

Speaker 1 And they're like, oh, let me find out about the types of potatoes. Speaking of tarred, I just found out about the Down syndrome on Sports Illustrated.
Just found out about it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I talked about it.

Speaker 1 The Victoria's Secret. I thought it was Sports Illustrated.
No, she's not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she got Sports Illustrated. I had no idea.
Blew my mind. She's dating Tyga, the rapper.

Speaker 1 Oh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a judge, actually. It's gone to the Supreme Court.

Speaker 1 Can she technically consent? It's a question. Well, that's like, can you rape your wife who has dementia? Which is like 100% yes.
Oh, I never thought of that.

Speaker 1 You You had to put out your whole marriage, and now she has dementia. But it is kind of beautiful to give her that

Speaker 1 now that she's willing to receive it. Finally,

Speaker 1 now, here's a question about the Sports Illustrator girl. Yeah,

Speaker 1 sideways.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Well, the eyes.
Yes, is it like the eyes? I know, I know.

Speaker 1 I'll go back to the original question. The mongoloid.
Is it similar to the eyes? Okay, all right. The small almond glob.

Speaker 1 We're trying to do a public affairs

Speaker 1 show now. How about this? We do an Animal Kingdom episode, and we bring out a lesbian,

Speaker 1 and they've just got a guy with Down syndrome with a chain around his

Speaker 1 mouth.

Speaker 1 That'll work. That'll work.

Speaker 1 Oh, you wrong for that.

Speaker 1 You wrong for that. Just saying, and then...
What if? What if. What if, yeah.
Nobody's really mad on television. No one is.
That's true. Sorry, I had a couple of tarot chips, and I got a little.

Speaker 1 Okay, anyway.

Speaker 1 If anyone's seen a Margaret Cho show, she puts everything into her stage performance. You're thinking of Bobby Lee.
No, I'm not. Okay.

Speaker 1 Having a very similar act.

Speaker 1 They go up there and they put a diaper on.

Speaker 1 They just speak in nonsense gobbledygook, the whole time.

Speaker 1 You both do that.

Speaker 1 Who is the Asian guy who, when Rudy Giuliani was on Mass Singer, was like, fuck this. Who's that guy? William Hung.
Dat Fang?

Speaker 1 Nope.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 Joe Coy.

Speaker 1 No. Was it? He's the biggest comedian in America.
The guy from the hangover.

Speaker 1 Oh, Dr. What's his name? Tauci.
No, no.

Speaker 1 Dr. Ken.
Ken Jong. Yeah, Ken.
Ken Jong-un.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. That's it.
That was it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's who it was. Yeah, that's him.

Speaker 1 I wanted to talk about gun violence.

Speaker 1 Okay, anyway, if you've seen a Margaret Cho show, she puts everything into her performance. She's dripping from head to toe with sweat.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 So after a show, she would take her clothes off and her panties also get fully nude.

Speaker 1 and she would hand me her panties in my mouth and then she would say hand them to you in your she would put them with her hand into my mouth and then she would instruct me to hand wash them in a sink and she would make me crawl back to her in the hotel with her clean panties yeah and um

Speaker 1 she would constantly tell me that they weren't clean enough so I'd have to keep going back and forth between the bathroom and

Speaker 1 her on the bed,

Speaker 1 you know, wearing cucumbers over her eyes and one of those mask things. To open them up, or what it

Speaker 1 she just likes the feeling of having normal eyes for a second. You know what I mean? Just round.
She just

Speaker 1 moves and trying to do this is a public affairs show. Yeah.
She cut little holes in them so she could see, you know what I mean? See out of it. These are public questions.
I mean,

Speaker 1 I guess that's a William F. Buckley did,

Speaker 1 to my recollection, 17 different episodes on Asian People's Eyes. Did he? Yes.

Speaker 1 What was his conclusion? As a classical conservative?

Speaker 1 My guest tonight is Margaret Cho, comedian and author of the book Who Ate All the Dog.

Speaker 1 Thank you for joining us. Margaret.

Speaker 1 The cucumbers.

Speaker 1 What's that about?

Speaker 1 Margaret.

Speaker 1 What are the cucumbers about?

Speaker 1 Do we.

Speaker 1 What? Bluetooth? Okay. Yeah.
Blue chew? Two minutes. I got it.
I got it, baby boy. I'm producing this motherfucker.
I had sex with Bluetooth. Yeah, you can give us a testimonial in two minutes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Did I do that last time? I don't think so. I don't think I had done the Bluetooth last time.
No, you weren't a bad guy. Certainly not on the Adam Friedland show.

Speaker 1 No. We should do it.
One of you should take it while we do the podcast.

Speaker 1 I don't have any ear. Sure, but you should do the Bluetooth.

Speaker 1 You guys should rape me with Bluetooth pills.

Speaker 1 You guys should get me drunk on tarot chips. Okay.
And then rape me.

Speaker 1 Have you used it?

Speaker 1 Of course. Yeah, I was like addicted to it for a while.

Speaker 1 All comedians are addicted to it. You know, like an entire year just on cocaine and blue chews.
I'm sober now. Yeah, I'm sober now, too.
But trying to come on Coke, impossible.

Speaker 1 Is it like that for men? Trying to get hard on Coke. What are you talking about? Well, I don't have a dick, so.
Oh, yeah. It's hard to get

Speaker 1 attained an erection on cocaine. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's real hard for women to come on cocaine.

Speaker 1 Once you get an erection. It's truly an evil drug.
It is. It's fucking disgusting, yeah.
I got really into the film. It's fun for

Speaker 1 the first five minutes, maybe.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would love to go bowling. Yeah, it's so fun.
We should go bowling somewhere. On Coke.
On Blue Chew. That'd be sick.
I used to go bowling almost every day in Cedar Park, Texas.

Speaker 1 It was during Happy Hour. They had $5 all-you-can bowl.
Wow. So we would just stay there for three hours and get fucking trashed.

Speaker 1 I got so into coke and bowling that I have my own ball that's at the gutter. It's there.
Wow.

Speaker 1 They keep the ball. Do you have one of those clear ones with a skull inside? No,

Speaker 1 that's from the movie Mystery Men. Yeah, it's badass.
Yeah. Which is weird.
You couldn't make that movie today because you couldn't make that today. You get a bunch of fucking.

Speaker 1 Sorry, but you get people, like trans people, showing up wondering, and they're like, okay, well, Mystery Men. It sounds like this is going to be about me, but

Speaker 1 it's a bunch of fucking bowling bullshit. It's about Peewee Herman.
Pee-wee Herman and Dane Cook are in this. Is Dane Cook in it? Dane Cook is in the movie, yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Did you guys see my remix of Jordan Peterson's yelling on Twitter? You saw Jordan Peterson doing the

Speaker 1 fuck. And then I remixed it.
I really don't know. Nothing's wrong with me.
I do. It's pretty good.
Well, I didn't see him yelling. I also don't.
You're doing content.

Speaker 1 I don't understand how he continues to, like, he persists as, like, a cultural thing. Well, that's the problem, is he is like,

Speaker 1 he is like a very intellectually savvy person. He's very articulate.
He's very educated. And then he comes out and just has a full hissy fit in a three-piece suit.
But that's what he's been doing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 I think he's that's the whole thing. He dresses up like Mr.
Conductor to go on Joe Rogan. He's like, fat women are disgusting.
And people are like, you look like a fucking faggot. And he's like, stop.

Speaker 1 And now that's his career. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's brutal. Watching him read from the prompter his angry.
You can't have reading something angry from a prompter. It doesn't look great.
It's just him being like, and fuck this institution.

Speaker 1 Fuck this institution. Yeah, it's really.
You think Hitler used prompter?

Speaker 1 I don't. I think he was motivated by the real, true, God-given love of Jews.
I mean, hatred of Jews.

Speaker 1 We got to

Speaker 1 kill all of the

Speaker 1 Jews.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, that's what I mean.

Speaker 1 You got to be activated by that. You got to be bad.
You got to be bold. You got to get it.
You got to

Speaker 1 Tracy Chapman is our musical guest tonight on the Adam Friedland show. I would love to get Tracy.
That would be amazing. Does your mom like Tracy? No, I thought Tracy was a man for

Speaker 1 Tracy. You're here.
I thought she was a white man. I got to ask you.
I've always imagined,

Speaker 1 does your pussy look like a big tray of brownies that hasn't been cut yet? That's what I imagine. And I just got to ask.

Speaker 1 I got to ask.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking, I'm imagining your pussy and a big 8x10 tin of just freshly cooked brownies.

Speaker 1 Am I close? Am I anyway? Is it close? Like that. All right, forget the question.
Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You ever meet Margaret Cho? Did you ever fuck Margaret Cho?

Speaker 1 When you're driving around, you're going around your fast car, just picking up trim. Just picking up trim and shoving it in your big brownie box.

Speaker 1 Today's episode of the Adam Friedland Show is brought to you by Blue Chew. BlueChew.com, folks.
If you love sex, you'll love BlueChew.com. Yeah.
It's a website where you can buyable tablets.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you what. That help get your dick hard.
This was the thing about the old show that I got in the habit of completely checking out

Speaker 1 during ad reads.

Speaker 1 And I'll just look at stuff like this look at that what a great still oh beautiful you remember him Tony Little look at those not little breasts those perfect breasts and do you know who this guy is no this guy was a fitness like

Speaker 1 he would advertise the gazelle freestyle oh that guy with the ponytail

Speaker 1 yeah but his life story is amazing

Speaker 1 Because he was like a fitness guy, but he just like he would have he has like the worst luck in the world like he'd finally get like a like a commercial fitness guy job. And then he got hit by a bus.

Speaker 1 Nice. And then when he was recovering.

Speaker 1 Yeah, then when he was recovering from that, he accidentally sat down in like a tub of acid in his friend's garage. How? And like burnt his ass.
Oh, he was doing some

Speaker 1 acid ass play. Yeah.
And he got in too deep. Yeah, and then got like spinal meningitis.

Speaker 1 And he kind of invented being trans or like this power trans look. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyways, Bluechew.com, Tony Little's Blue Chew.com is a Blue Chew.com. Let's go here real quick.
There's this guy, and you already know about Blue Chew. You said you got.

Speaker 1 I gave one a go. You gave one a go.
I didn't take one. I would like to take one and see if I get the pebble clit or whatever people talk about.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Nobody's ever said pebble clit to me. No, I think a woman would get wetter, probably.
No,

Speaker 1 a little kidney stone. I think you get a little kidney stone.
Don't you think it would send the blood to my clitoris? Maybe. I think I don't know.
Does it send blood? I don't really know.

Speaker 1 It has to send blood to your dick because when I, the dude that I was with took it and it was like a dildo. I mean, it's like a rock-hard metal

Speaker 1 mechanical creature that arises, that comes into the room, that enters the room, and you're like, hey, we didn't invite you in here.

Speaker 1 That's what girls like?

Speaker 1 No, I wasn't that into it. No, we're doing it.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, it was great.
I came a thousand times. Yeah.
It came over and over. And you're asking, does it work on the sideways kind

Speaker 1 of thing? And the answer is yes. Come on.

Speaker 1 All right. This is the read.
They want us to give them the facts. I'm sorry, dude.

Speaker 1 No, I shouldn't. Look, I need this job, at least for the next six months.

Speaker 1 I need it for longer, probably the rest of my life. However, you want me to do the reads, I'll do them.
I have nothing left, dude. I poop my pants on the internet.
I can't. That was Come Town.
I know.

Speaker 1 What am I going to do?

Speaker 1 I need T A F S and I need your friendship. Discuss Tadafi and Teledafi.
What is that?

Speaker 1 Great question, Jordan.

Speaker 1 This is an extra service they offer: you can talk to the Blue Chew people about

Speaker 1 these two Muslim guys that came up with the company. Really?

Speaker 1 Saddafi and Tadafala. Were the Muslim brothers that actually came up with the relationship?

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to say anything negative about that, but I'd like to.

Speaker 1 Good job. Thank you.

Speaker 1 The Muslim Brotherhood. What's happened with those guys?

Speaker 1 They're still,

Speaker 1 I always imagining it's like a like a Mario and Luigi type. Uh-huh.
Yeah. The Muslim Bros.
One's a little taller, a little faster. Muslim Bros A Bank.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like a plumbing company. Yeah.
The Muslim Brotherhood. Who did they kill Sadat?

Speaker 1 Sadat? They killed Anwar Sadat. Who's that? He was the president of Egypt, I believe.
Really?

Speaker 1 I thought it was Dalsim.

Speaker 1 No. Dalsim's Indian.
Oh, okay. Yeah, he's stretchy arms.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's kind of cheating a little bit. Yeah.
Yeah. When you play, like, you stay away and you do stretchy arms.
Yeah. Pissing me off.

Speaker 1 I just remember pin drop. Anyway, so

Speaker 1 at bluechew.com, you can talk to one of their licensed medical providers. No awkward visits to the doctor.
You do it from the safety and warmth of your own home, right?

Speaker 1 They prescribe you sil sildenophil or tadalophil. You gotta just like a you do a video conference.

Speaker 1 I prefer to wear like a fun, like I wear like a guy fox mask and I tent my fingers.

Speaker 1 You did that? Yeah, when I meet with them. And they still gave it to you?

Speaker 1 Yeah. They'll prescribe anybody anything.
Really? Yeah, in fact, when you're talking, these are doctors. So you can always ask.
They're probably going to say no.

Speaker 1 But you can say, look, as long as I'm here. Can I get some coat? Can I get some Depi coat?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 You try to get oxies off them? Yeah,

Speaker 1 let me get some

Speaker 1 Xannies, some means, Perk 90s,

Speaker 1 you know. Yeah, a couple tabs.
Yeah, I'm trying to get ghosts. I'm trying to get it.
I just saw Boz Luhrmann's Elvis, and I'm trying to get it. Dude, it's so good.

Speaker 1 I would liked it. I would go again with you.
He kind of, in the end of his life, he kind of turned into a Korean woman. Elvis? Oh, on Elvis.
Yeah, totally. Look at some of those last performances.

Speaker 1 It's like, is this Elvis Presley or Margaret Cho? I have no idea.

Speaker 1 He kind of, KD Lang a little bit. No? Yeah.
Yeah. Does Does your mom like KD Lang? No.
Oh, okay. She likes Bruce Springsteen, and that's it.
Really? Uh-huh. Oh, cool.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Anyway, you go to this website, promo code ComeTown or Come Town20. We're going to get that

Speaker 1 changed to

Speaker 1 Adam Friedland. Oh, he does look like a Korean woman.
Look at that beautiful lady.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the next level.

Speaker 1 You saw that movie, didn't it? Wasn't it annoying that the cotton ball in his lip the whole time? No, it was great. Wasn't distracting? No.

Speaker 1 Tom Hanks sucked, but the rest of it was great. This is a song that I just recorded.

Speaker 1 It's an old song called Unchained Melody. He's panting.
Wait, this is.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is his final performance.

Speaker 1 Is he at the piano?

Speaker 1 Get my fingers cotton.

Speaker 1 Get your fingers cut.

Speaker 1 This is me on the last episode of Come Time. Yeah.
You're

Speaker 1 just playing the

Speaker 1 Gene Donapoli video. Dude, this is just like Keith Rob guy from the office, black guy from the office?

Speaker 1 Craig Robinson. Craig.

Speaker 1 Craig Robinson.

Speaker 1 This was him the other night at the VU. Truly.

Speaker 1 He had another buddy with him who had like the name of a different piece. It was weird.
But he was like,

Speaker 1 help me down into the piano. And somebody had to lower him down to the piano.
And then he played, yeah, he played for like an hour and a half, panting. Like this

Speaker 1 into the microphone. Maybe he also saw Elvis and he's trying to go a Margaret Show route.

Speaker 1 You're going that direction. Anyway, if you go to bluechew.com, you put in promo code ComeTown or Come Town20, you only pay $5 shipping and get your first month free.

Speaker 1 If it doesn't work out for you, you cancel. But I think it's going to work out for you.
You're going to get your dick hard, and you're going to satisfy ladies like

Speaker 1 Jordan

Speaker 1 or

Speaker 1 any other. I was just satisfied just by the share structurally.
It was a structurally sound option. Do you like it bendier?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 kind of like one of those like... A human dick.
We're selling. You're selling tires.
You like one of those air machines. Car salesman things? Yeah.
Doesn't everybody? No, I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 1 No, I'm telling you, this thing was, you really could do some damage. It was like this.

Speaker 1 Truly. You guys know.
You've done that. Make that noise too.
You guys felt like it was a part of your body when you did it? Speaking of part of your body, I had FaceTime sex the first time.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. How do you have you done that a lot? Yeah.
Okay, if I'm holding the camera down on my stomach, right? No, no. No, no, no.
You have to set it up

Speaker 1 where you can

Speaker 1 do the spread the sushi, that kind of thing for the fellow. You have to set up the camera.
Yeah, you have to like brace the camera and then like freestyle.

Speaker 1 I just had it aimed at what I was doing, and then I was looking at what he was doing, but the way that it was set up, it looked like I was jacking off. Now, was this a pandemic thing?

Speaker 1 You just showed your own hand? I did. No, no, I showed, yeah, it was my own hand, exactly.

Speaker 1 But then I was, but the way it was set up, because he was jacking off his dick, it looked like it was me jacking off a dick. Serious, talk about dysmorphia.
Really made me feel like it was spooky.

Speaker 1 But am I supposed to show my face or my vagina? No, the whole package. No, I can't do that.
I'm not going to set up a fucking Zoom meeting with my gut. You know what I mean? I'm not going to

Speaker 1 do an audition table. You set the phone up and then you do like a little.
And if you're a Margaret Jo, make sure it's in landscape.

Speaker 1 So Come Town or Come Town20 at Blue Chew.com. No awkward visits to the doctor.
No awkward visits to the pharmacy. It gets sent to your house, discreet packaging.

Speaker 1 you get your day card and they taste great like flintstones kids they do taste good yeah

Speaker 1 i do it for the taste i ate a whole thing of flintstones vitamins once when i was like 10.

Speaker 1 me too i love the taste my mom called that's why you're so tall a lot of people at home they don't realize you're 7-2 yeah 7-2 all flintstones one overdose but i was like a huge fat kid and i ate like a tub of these things and my my doctor was like she's dude we do you upstate you probably just take you to the vet yeah yeah yeah my fat daughter ate too many Flintstones vitamins.

Speaker 1 That's what the doctor said. Like, your daughter will be fine, but you also need to go work on this.
Yeah, you need to take her to the dog hospital.

Speaker 1 I don't think we treat children like that here at St. Jude's.

Speaker 1 Just bring her down to the zoo.

Speaker 1 Take her to one of those brownie pussy dykes they got down at the zoo. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She'll set the girl straight.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Anyway.

Speaker 1 Are you still doing the ad right now? Oh, yeah, it's over. Yeah, the ad's over.
We're back. We've got to have more discreet commercial breaks, I think, when we get the show going.

Speaker 1 Especially as we transition to video.

Speaker 1 It's going to be more of a talk show. Here's what I want.
When we have the talk show, we have the set come up, and I'll do this as the producer.

Speaker 1 But for each one of the objects, remember that we're all going to the lobby thing? Right, right. So I'm going to get a foam rubber costume of all the products.

Speaker 1 And I'll come out and I'll do a a song and dance number as like a Blue Chew packet. Oh, yeah, that's good.
And it'll be like a Blue Chew packet, but I'll also take a Blue Chew.

Speaker 1 And your dick will come out of the cup. My dick will come out of the suit.
It'll be like a

Speaker 1 good confetti. I love that.
You'll put a little curtain, and it'll come out of a little curtain in the suit. Yeah, yeah.
And then I'll get another guy who's in a dick costume, a big dick costume.

Speaker 1 Your boyfriend.

Speaker 1 And I'll be the Blue Chew, and then they can fuck me in the ass with their dick and come out of the dick costume.

Speaker 1 And then it's like, there's no better relationship than the relationship between your dick and Blue Chew or whatever. Two men in costumes.
It has to be 15 minutes long. Fucking through holes.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. We've got to find someone to make those suits, though.
I thought we were going to talk about gun violence. We are going to talk about gun violence.

Speaker 1 We've still got the second half of the show.

Speaker 1 We haven't even gotten in the monologue yet. Yeah, you're going to like our monologue.

Speaker 1 We put a lot of work into it. Okay, cool.
We tried to this afternoon, but then

Speaker 1 I had too many walnuts and got into Mario Golf. Yeah, that happened.
Walnuts leads to the bottom. What was that with the recycling earlier?

Speaker 1 Oh, the bag was stuck in the trash can. That was a little, that was excessive.
I lost my attempt. You did? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 If the bag gets stuck in the trash can and then you lift it up and the whole garbage can be

Speaker 1 done, he was slamming the trash can down, and he was saying, God damn it. I got into an almost physical fight with a homeless man on the street outside the cellar for like the third time this month.

Speaker 1 Did he pretend he was from the future? He pretended that he had like one bad eye. The other one was like glassy and

Speaker 1 cum-colored, but I wasn't buying it. You know what I mean? Oh, so he was completely blind.
He's like, no, I'm just, I only got, I'm only blind to one. He was like, oh, I'm blind.

Speaker 1 And I was like, you're not blind. And he was like, I can't see anything.
And I was like, shut up, you piece of shit. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 One of these people pretended to be blind. Oh, so, yeah, so he still had the other eye, but he was pretending he was blind.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was pretending he was like homeless and blind and really downtrodden by life. And I was like, you can't fool me.

Speaker 1 Well, then what you say to that guy immediately is you're like, well, I'm a homeless black woman so I got bigger problems right right right right I should have said that if he if he says you're not black then you say ah you've fallen for the Sphinx's gambit yeah I'm from the future so if you want to write that down you can see me

Speaker 1 if you can see me and you know I'm not oh

Speaker 1 yes

Speaker 1 he's like you're like you think you got problems I try to

Speaker 1 I have a birthmark on my forehead that looks like a swastika yeah

Speaker 1 and then he can't be like no you don't because he's too busy pretending to be blind. Or I could just go back and be like, I'm actually a blind black man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Just hit him hard with the, because I think that would activate him enough.

Speaker 1 And then he's like, well, you don't sound like a blind black man. You're like, that's why I've never been able to find my community.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I'm like the 52 hertz whale. Yeah, you can't play piano like the rest of the blind black guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that must be rough.

Speaker 1 It's got to suck to be like a little black kid that's blind, and then you're like, well, at least I can play the piano. And then you just suck dick at the piano.
That would suck.

Speaker 1 You suck because you're blind.

Speaker 1 You just suck. Because, you know, that's statistically, it's got to be most of them.

Speaker 1 You've got to be a little black kid. You lose your eyesight, and you think that piano is going to be your saving grace.
And 99% of the time, they are just dog shit at piano.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's only been two guys. Yeah.
Yeah. That stinks.
And then you say, well, at least you're not going to be in a fucking gang now. You know? Well, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's, you know, now you can be the data from Star Trek. I don't know what the other kind of blind black guy there is.
No, that's Jordy. Jordy.
Sorry. Yeah.
Data is super white.

Speaker 1 I thought you're the Star Trek guy. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Just because I'm like a nerd? Or like I'm an autistic guy? What does that even mean? I'm not a Star Trek guy. You answered your own question.

Speaker 1 You do seem like a certain Star Trek guy. What is that? Adam smells bad, by the way.

Speaker 1 No, Why are you saying that right now? Because I'm either acting different. Well, I thought maybe she thought it was me that smelled.
Don't call me. Who's calling you? My girlfriend.
She loves me. Oh.

Speaker 1 Pick it up. No.

Speaker 1 I keep my private life private. Shall I?

Speaker 1 Why do you smell bad? Let me get you mine.

Speaker 1 Because she doesn't want me using aluminum-based

Speaker 1 underarm anymore. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's worried that he's going to get breast cancer. Oh, she doesn't want you to die.
On some girl blog, she was like,

Speaker 1 you can't do it anymore. So I have to use this natural crack.

Speaker 1 And I smell like shit. Yeah, you have to wear the real stuff.
And it's 1,000% humidity. And like two minutes later, I already smell bad.
And the Jewish out of the shower. Jewish thing, also.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Jews smell bad? What's wrong with you? No, I wasn't saying anything. I was just getting.
Small penis.

Speaker 1 It was. I was trying to, yeah.
Yeah, okay, of course. Is it the crocs and socks? Is that the smell? Not crocs, they're keens.

Speaker 1 No, it's my armpits. You want to smell them?

Speaker 1 What if she smells them and she's like, those are pheromones?

Speaker 1 A homeless black guy did tell me that one time when I was a teenager. He's like,

Speaker 1 I remember he bummed a cigarette off me. He's like, you give me a cigarette.
I'll give you some advice you ain't never going to forget.

Speaker 1 And he was, yeah, he told me a story about fucking

Speaker 1 pheromones? Pheromones.

Speaker 1 Pheromones are real. I tried to hook up with a guy, very attracted to him, but couldn't get down with the smell.
Really? Couldn't do it, yeah. Really?

Speaker 1 No, I think that's just people being being unattractive because they smell bad it's supposed to be the opposite he didn't smell bad it just wasn't the right and when i had long-haul covet i lost my sense of smell for so long and i couldn't i was like i think my vagina's broken i just can't get into it and then when i could smell again it all came back yeah i just had i just got covered again yeah two times huh yeah yeah yeah how'd it go did you lose your smell no the first time i did for a day and then the second time it was like nothing i lost it for a year Damn, that's so cool.

Speaker 1 You couldn't smell anything. Well, it all came when you have the long one, it comes back, but it smells like everybody was like, oh, it's like smells like rotten meat when it comes back.

Speaker 1 It's all one smell, and it is the smell of like dank bad pussy, is what it smells like. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mine was gone for a day, and then it just came back suddenly and like perfectly.

Speaker 1 It was like binary, right? On off. Isn't it weird when you lose it, though? It feels it kind of like going blind.
Why is it weird?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I didn't even realize that I had lost it, and then I forget what I smelled. Then I stuck my nose in a bag of like tobacco, and I couldn't smell it.
Yeah, spooky.

Speaker 1 So I didn't realize Marva Cho is all tatted up. Do Do you think these are like Yakuza

Speaker 1 gang-related? They are. Because in their cultures, you're not allowed to have a lot of cultures, tattoos, you have to be in a gang to have them.

Speaker 1 Whereas in America. You're a Holocaust survivor.
Yeah, in America, you just need to be, you know, anybody can get tattoos. God, I don't respect tattoos.
Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 1 I hate them. I wish they were gone.
They're disgusting.

Speaker 1 Your parents should have stayed together.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't do that. Keep my pure form.
Yeah. I agree.
Yeah, I used to do a joke about

Speaker 1 after the Holocaust, like to cheer themselves up, like Jewish guys just getting a dollar sign tattooed in front of their number. Yeah, that's good.
That's very good. That's very funny.

Speaker 1 That's funny.

Speaker 1 You always see those

Speaker 1 trash girls with the date of their first child that they had when they were four years old. You know what I mean? Right there.

Speaker 1 Really? How does that not offend people? Yeah, it'll be like 97.

Speaker 1 Wow. It's too close.
You can't do it, you know what I mean? Yeah, no,

Speaker 1 I don't know, I don't even know what they look like.

Speaker 1 I remember that, I remember there was a seventh heaven episode where there's a neighbor that was in the Holocaust, and like Simon delivers their groceries or something, and the sleeve comes up, and he's like,

Speaker 1 Why does Mr. Feldstein have a tattoo?

Speaker 1 And the parents are like, Well, because they have the wrong religion, and yeah,

Speaker 1 he's going to hell. Yeah, he's going to

Speaker 1 slipped out, yeah. Yeah,

Speaker 1 do you think Auschwitz was worse than hell, or probably the same?

Speaker 1 Probably the same. I've been hearing that Auschwitz wasn't the worst thing in the world.
They had boxing

Speaker 1 fights.

Speaker 1 I've just been coming up. People are like, boxing fights.
There were some Jews that could get cigarettes and they were higher up on the totem pole. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, those.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, capos.

Speaker 1 All right, I don't know the fucking colossal. The ones that would snitch to the Nazis.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I also heard that that guy who wrote the book, that he was like a Holocaust, that he was in the Holocaust. L.
E. Wazzo.
No, no, no, no. Primo Levy.

Speaker 1 The guy who wrote, um, fuck, something, another man, one man, something about being a Holocaust and finding meaning because he was in the Holocaust. It's a very famous book.
You gave me the book.

Speaker 1 The game. No.
A man's search for meaning. A man's search for meaning.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I recently heard he wasn't.

Speaker 1 And this is more of a come-town thing, but Adam gave me the book and recommended it to me and said it was very good. Yeah.
You know what I did read is the game. Neil Strauss is the game.

Speaker 1 I have read that.

Speaker 1 And that was also from Auschwitz. It was.
He wrote it there. Yeah, about about Neg, how to get his balls on his face.
But he really was there, yeah.

Speaker 1 I stole that book from my buddy just because I wanted to read it. And seeing the shit that he had highlighted was cripplingly funny.
Really? One of them was like, Enter every room grinning.

Speaker 1 That was one of the

Speaker 1 what, like the Coney Island guy? Yeah, yeah. Enter every room grinning.
And now you can be in bar and you can see people who've read the game.

Speaker 1 And you can be like, I see what you're doing there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I never smile, I don't think.

Speaker 1 I've never seen you smile. 100%.
I do it in pictures sometimes, and then I look like a freak. I've seen you smile.
Yeah. When we saw that old gay guy at Pride the other day that looked like me at 70.

Speaker 1 That wasn't a Pride. It was outside of Carolines.
But it was during Pride. I got him with the best that you've ever gotten.

Speaker 1 It was crucial. I mean, this guy, just this, like, this frantic old Jewish guy with stringy.
I mean, he looked like Gaddafi and like fucking like a pink tight

Speaker 1 exit. Like, you know, when like a 70-year-old Jewish guy is like, I got a personal trainer.
It was perfect.

Speaker 1 And then the gym clothes they buy, just like that kind of like real loose, kind of flowy Lululemon thing. And he had a little purse with them.

Speaker 1 He wasn't even like, I mean, it was like, I don't even know if he was gay. He was just like, he was like,

Speaker 1 like a Jewish Floridian? That's what I'm hearing. No, it's like when you hit a certain age as a Jew.
Yeah. Your testosterone has been gone for decades.
You transcend gender. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're just Nathan Lane in the Broncage kind of thing? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, no. No, that's too femme.
That's too performative. It's just like you're neither male nor female.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're almost there. You're already there.
I'm kind of, yeah. What did my lesbian friend say about you, that you were a transitional guy? That you were a

Speaker 1 little bit.

Speaker 1 I love her.

Speaker 1 She got back together with that cunt, by the way. Why? I know.
It's crazy. Why? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm really upset about that. I know.
I'm really upset about it too. It just happened today.
Oh, my God. I really crushed it with a lesbian.

Speaker 1 She really liked you. She hits everyone.
She shooted on her with a woman that worked. Lesbians hate me, and we became best friends.

Speaker 1 Also, speaking of homeless, when I was trying to give that homeless guy the wings, you were trying to stop me. I really get in fights with those homeless men a lot.

Speaker 1 They drive me nuts around the cellar. I'm telling you, I got into almost a physical fight with two in one week.
It's not good.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 they get too close to you, and then you're like, hey, could you back up a little bit? And then they come, like, he was just reaching in for the food. I can't stand the touching.

Speaker 1 Nobody should be touching. It's like at the cellar if you get off stage and people try to do the good game, good game, high five.
I'm like, get your disgusting little grubby ass. It's gross.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a lot of. You get an air horn to blast.

Speaker 1 I would love that.

Speaker 1 I would really, really love that. That's a great idea.
Well, because they're blind, so Mace does really nothing, but an air horn. No, Mace makes them stronger.
I've tried it.

Speaker 1 But the air horn is a great idea. A little baton, just take him right out at the knee.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Man, an air horn is good. Yeah, I got into a fight with a guy who walked up to me.
He just took a phone call basically on my body.

Speaker 1 We were just outside, and he just went, hello, and he was right next to me. I was like, what do you mean? He had a phone? He had a phone, yeah.
He answered it, and he was like, hello.

Speaker 1 This guy wasn't homeless, actually. And I was like, dude, you're just going to be that close to me.
And he was like, yo,

Speaker 1 my woman will come down here and kill. And I was like, you are not.
And then I started screaming at him. And then he said, he goes, I'm going to spit on you.
And that's what I was like, oh, I forgot.

Speaker 1 You surely will do that. And then I ran away from him.
Jesus. The spitting, that's like it.

Speaker 1 I kind of always wanted to be one of those guys that picks a fight and then has my muscly girlfriend beat up women. I'm like, I just get drunk.

Speaker 1 I just didn't get the logistics of this guy. He's going to call his girlfriend.

Speaker 1 He's ass, baby.

Speaker 1 And then a big muscle woman comes up and beats a woman up. I'm like, that's right.
We can make that happen for you. Yeah.
And then she carries me. Like a Julia Vince type.

Speaker 1 Oh, I forgot about Julia. You know, Julia Vince.
Who's Julia vins

Speaker 1 we'll pull julia vins up real quick she has like the face of a doll and she's this russian the body of arnold schwarzenegger yeah russian people oh karen feahan yes karen fian does not look like this no look at that yeah she's pretty karen's pretty fucking jacked not like that yeah

Speaker 1 does she have to take testosterone to get there i'm sure i'm sure she's irradiated

Speaker 1 and this is like only russia could produce something like that my sister's kind of like that actually is she yeah she looks like that a little bit.

Speaker 1 That's scary. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whoa, that's not real. That's photoshopped.
What? She's got to be on tea. No, look at her tiny little head.
How'd she do that? Creatine.

Speaker 1 I guess, you know,

Speaker 1 you just got weird genetics over there.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking about getting on tea myself. My other

Speaker 1 friend is thinking about getting on tea. Because he's sleeping all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's sleepy all the time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I never sleep. I can't sleep.
I have insomnia. I haven't slept in four days.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you start to feel like you're tripping all the time. Yeah, no, I mean, I sleep like four hours a night.
It's like a real problem. I've tried everything.

Speaker 1 I'm like up to like three muscle relaxers a night. It doesn't do anything.

Speaker 1 I tried a hardcore, like, almost like a roofal in the other day. I actually got good sleep last night.
I just actually,

Speaker 1 you know, usually I'll go to bed and I'll turn the lights off because I think you're supposed to do that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I sit on the couch and I just watched Better Call Saul until I fell asleep and I fell asleep at a normal time. Yeah, because you weren't thinking yourself to death.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't really stay up thinking. I just, I mean, I do, but it's like not like anxiety or anything.
No, I don't know how people can do the like the on your market set, it's sleep time.

Speaker 1 Like when my buddies will do that, like if I used to be able to, yeah, I used to be more active. I would, I would, like, even when I run six miles every day, I still

Speaker 1 full and sleep. Yeah, yeah.
I'm not worrying or anything. It just is.

Speaker 1 You're just up. It just doesn't, the switch doesn't hit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What does help? If you take NyQuil, Nyquil is the key. No, but you feel like shit the next day.
They have Z-Quill without all the medicine. Yeah, I take that too.

Speaker 1 Sometimes it's fun to just be sleep deprived, especially doing stand-up. It feels great.
It's like I'm

Speaker 1 fast on stage. Oh, so.
I crushed so hard the other day when I was in sparkly zone, almost passing out.

Speaker 1 You do great because you don't care. And you're like, this is a dream.
That guy's a lizard. Who fucking, you know what I mean? Like, everything's.
It's like doing stand-up on mushrooms sometimes.

Speaker 1 If you can't get the right dosage, it's good.

Speaker 1 Because it's not real.

Speaker 1 Gun violence. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, we kind of burned the whole

Speaker 1 ND9. Look, there's already people saying, I don't know about this Adam Friedland show.
No, I mean. Last time they were talking about getting a studio.
Now they're eating tarot chips.

Speaker 1 No, we're going to get a studio. It's going to be a proper late-night talk show.
Yeah. Intellectual, mind you.
I was thinking more morning show. I was thinking Hoda and.
Oh, that's good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Kathy Lee. I was saying,

Speaker 1 we want to do the show at 9 a.m.

Speaker 1 And you're drunk off wine already. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 1 you're a drunken Persian bitch from Westchester. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you drive down to Midtown drunk every morning in your S-Class.

Speaker 1 I would love that. And you get a DUI every day that they let slide

Speaker 1 so that you can do the Morning Adam Frieland Morning Show. That's my goal in life.
Wow. To marry a powerful woman and then just be on Xanax all day long.
Yeah, just

Speaker 1 like a rich woman.

Speaker 1 Like to be Doug,

Speaker 1 the wife of

Speaker 1 Kamala Harris.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then just be in bed all day.
It'd be tragic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's probably what he's doing.

Speaker 1 Old school telephone, like that red telephone right next to you. Oh, my God.
It'd be incredible. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm going to do. I can imagine you with

Speaker 1 your dick and balls tucked back like shockingly easy right now.

Speaker 1 It's crazy how much I can pick up. No, every time I've done like a face app of me as a lady, it's

Speaker 1 no, I don't imagine that. I really am just saying you with it tucked back with your legs slightly crossed.
I really, it doesn't have to be a lot of money. I have a buffalo build.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Buffalo build. Yeah, my lucky.
No mental diagnostics I'm having to do. Yeah.
Really easy. No,

Speaker 1 well, stop. I'll do it later? Yeah.
Okay. I'm not going to do it for you.
You're not going to do it. Okay.
I'll show you the

Speaker 1 other side

Speaker 1 i'll show you the bowl of fruit you know oh okay okay i'm not gonna show you the front okay that's for my girlfriend all right it's too intimate

Speaker 1 so uh should we do like the monologue we could go through i don't know i think it might be too late for we have to go to andy's do you really have a monologue prepared yeah we had a whole monologue and like we wrote all day for this did you really yeah prepared the whole day for i don't believe you yeah oh we did i can't tell what's this here and what's not since here how about you was in a productive day No, we had a nice day.

Speaker 1 All right, let's give it a go.

Speaker 1 Okay, how about you read?

Speaker 1 I'm not reading anything. No, no, no, no.
Our guests will read this one. Okay.
Oh, you're going to make the guests do the work? Yeah, man. Yeah, it's like Norm McDonald.
It's nice.

Speaker 1 Read the one highlighter. Who's Norm McDonald?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, you're Adam. I'm Norm.
No, I'm Nick. Norm.
Computers. Nuts.
Okay. Read that one.

Speaker 1 Monologue voice. Weekend update.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Is this record or record?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Record. Record.
Yep. Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, it's not a crazy question. Okay.

Speaker 1 Records sign up for vasectomies after Roe v. Wade ruling.
In fact, lines are so backed up, it's harder to get a vasectomy than it is to get an abortion.

Speaker 1 Yet, you don't see men protesting, which begs the question: are women just being whiny cunts? That's pretty funny, right? Do the sound effect.

Speaker 1 That's like a monologue joke.

Speaker 1 Okay. The Pope, want me to keep going? Yeah, do another one.
The Pope dismissed resignation rumors following a knee injury, saying the thought never entered his mind.

Speaker 1 When asked for comment, he said, it's going to take a lot more than a dick-sucking injury to get me out of this job. That's funny.

Speaker 1 Okay. Do another one.
A North Carolina woman was left with a zombie flesh-eating disease after being chased by a skunk.

Speaker 1 She first noticed symptoms of the gangris condition in November, about a month after she had a run-in with an aggressive skunk.

Speaker 1 While the suspect remains at large, he was heard fleeing the scene saying, uh, La Belle Femme Veluz Vou Couché avec moi pee, it's a Pepe Le Pieu. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That was my joke. I wrote that one.
Yeah, Nick wrote, I think, all the other ones.

Speaker 1 Maybe at the top, read some of them from the top.

Speaker 1 Ricky Martin was hit with a domestic violence restraining order.

Speaker 1 That's funny.

Speaker 1 Details haven't been disclosed, but considering Puerto Rico has some of the most lax domestic violence laws in the country, you know it's got to be bad.

Speaker 1 One thing's for certain, she won't be living the Vida Loga any day soon.

Speaker 1 It's being good.

Speaker 1 I like that joke.

Speaker 1 Are we done? You want me to keep going? Joey Chestnut? We got

Speaker 1 four wave size sat. Joey Chestnut says he's not feeling good after his 15th win in a row at the annual Coney Island Hot Dog Competition,

Speaker 1 but said it pales in comparison to how bad he felt last month after winning the 10th consecutive title at the 10th annual dog shit eating.

Speaker 1 Why is 10th annual in there twice? It's 10th consecutive. It's a 10th annual.

Speaker 1 It's clumsy. I should have changed it.
It should just say

Speaker 1 it pales in comparison to how bad he felt after his win this year at the 10th annual dog shit eating conference. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you write 10th consecutive or me? I wrote 10th annual, and you put in 10th consecutive annual.

Speaker 1 No, I tried to say Philadelphia Dog Shit Eating Competition.

Speaker 1 Philadelphia is funny. That's funny for jokes.
Just the word Philadelphia. Yeah, like, you know, those clowns in Philadelphia at the Philadelphia dog shit eating competition.
I hear you.

Speaker 1 You're not wrong, but I think what you were looking for was Kalamazoo. Yeah, Philadelphia is funny.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Kalamazoo, what the hell is that place? It said, but where are we? Australia? Yeah, it sounds Australian. Is it not in Australia? Okay, no.
It's in, like, Michigan or something. What? Is it really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Kalamazoo's here. Kalamazoo, get the fuck out of here.
Yeah. I guarantee you.

Speaker 1 I guarantee you they've had a mass shooting in

Speaker 1 Michigan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, K-A-L-A-M-N-I.

Speaker 1 If this isn't the United States. Come on, bro.
What? It's an intellectual talk show about gun violence.

Speaker 1 We're going to have Thomas Sowell on. I'm going to try and trick him into spelling the N-word on that.
Tim Dylan loves that guy. Does he? I think so.
Dude, that guy, Thomas Sowell, is hilarious.

Speaker 1 He's the OG Ben Carson. I mean,

Speaker 1 he's way better than Ben Carson. You go back 100 years, that guy's on talk shows.
He's like, black people are actually the laziest.

Speaker 1 He's pushing up his glasses. Being like,

Speaker 1 thanks for having me on, Adolph.

Speaker 1 You know, I actually read a study out of Japan that says that black people, they have the brains of walnut-sized brains.

Speaker 1 Oh, Adam was doing research for these. I see that he has a tab pulled up called Pepe Lapute.
You were googling Pepe Lapew. I wanted to see things he would say.

Speaker 1 Maybe do the first joke, the Scrabble joke, and then we'll end the show.

Speaker 1 Scrabble has removed 400 slurs from its official word list, thereby giving up title up its title as the world's most racist board game, a title which is now held by Monopoly George Floyd Edition.

Speaker 1 It's pretty offensive. What are these ones that are in black? These didn't make the cut.
Those weren't finished. A South Jersey man went on a nude crime spree.
Yeah. Finish it.

Speaker 1 South Jersey Man went on a nude crime spree, but I don't even know what he did.

Speaker 1 He hijacked a car. We'll get some new ones.

Speaker 1 Let me just scroll through the headlines in the New York Post real quick. Toddler, who lost both parents in a high-loaded park shooting, was found under dad's body.

Speaker 1 No, Nick, that's not fun. Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Irina McCarthy, Kevin McCarthy, and 88-year-old Steven Strauss have been identified as three victims killed when alleged gunman Robert Crimo opened fighting. None of this.
Cremo, yeah. Robert Cremo.

Speaker 1 It just happened. It's not very funny.
All right, okay. The toddler who lost both parents in Highland Park shooting was found under their dad's body.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, here we go. Here's a better headline.
I'm deeply, deeply sorry, says the uncle of suspected Highland shooter, Highland Park shooter Robert Cremo. Let's see what this guy sounds like.

Speaker 1 Wow, he apologists.

Speaker 1 Hour Dane Placco just spoke with Cremo's uncle. Let's listen into that.
Creamo and Placco. Paul, thanks for talking to us.

Speaker 1 What did you want to say to the people who were hurt, the families of the people that were killed?

Speaker 1 I want to say I'm deeply, deeply sorry for

Speaker 1 everyone

Speaker 1 that lost their lives and got injured.

Speaker 1 From the bottom of my heart,

Speaker 1 it's I'm heartbroken, and

Speaker 1 my heart is shattered to hear this. And

Speaker 1 I can't even believe. I can't even believe it.

Speaker 1 Believe it. And I just want to express my...

Speaker 1 I think this guy's mentally disabled. Yeah, it's not very fun.
He's making me feel bad for this. Wait, that is the shooter? No, it's his uncle.

Speaker 1 He was a white rat. All right, here we go.
It sucks. New Yorkers face return of alternate skills.
I'm going to shoot people up. Don't trust my uncle if he apologizes for it.
Yeah. He's a bad guy.

Speaker 1 Okay, read it.

Speaker 1 It sucks. New Yorkers face return of alternate side parking after two-year hiatus.

Speaker 1 It sucks, man, said Ricardo Sinclair, 43 and electrician who commutes to Manhattan from Poughkeepsie.

Speaker 1 Alternate side parking.

Speaker 1 That's what they call land in a dick in Margaret Cho's.

Speaker 1 Yes. That's pretty good.
Very good.

Speaker 1 All right. Pelosi.
Oh, here you go. Nancy Pelosi's husband was arrested for a DUI.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 Your DUI

Speaker 1 cavort at Italian resort owned by Andrea. There's too many Italian words in this.
I can't figure it out.

Speaker 1 Alright, yeah, Nancy Pelosi's husband got a DUI.

Speaker 1 You probably think that stands for driving under the influence,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 doesn't. It's actually in this instance, it means doesn't understand why his Italian cunt wife gets away with insider trading.
Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. And it's woke.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Doesn't

Speaker 1 do.

Speaker 1 What the fuck does DUI stand for?

Speaker 1 Doesn't

Speaker 1 driving

Speaker 1 under the influence.

Speaker 1 Doesn't understand

Speaker 1 why we got to do the morning show.

Speaker 1 It'd be too late. We got to have three Zinfandels.
We have to meet Andy, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we got to go meet Andy. Who's Andy?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Some guy, some famous YouTuber.

Speaker 1 No, no, don't say it.

Speaker 1 You've said we've got to go meet Andy like seven times.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're meeting the boy from Toy Story. It's your show.
Yeah, we meet him.

Speaker 1 We get raped.

Speaker 1 We get raped in an alley. We're meeting Andy from Toy Story.

Speaker 1 Margaret Show strikes again.

Speaker 1 All right. You guys have been great.
Thanks for tuning in to thanks for having us. Yeah.
Thanks a lot, guys. Bye.
You can check out Jordan. You got anything you want to plug?

Speaker 1 Oh, I got all sorts of shows coming up. Go to my website, JordanJensonComedy.com.
I'll be at Helium Buffalo all this week if you guys want to come out. I'm sure those tickets are not sold.

Speaker 1 Also, if you want to support the Adam Friedland show, we are getting a studio. We do have to meet the Toy Story guy.
Oh, I'm at Hilarities with Ian Fidance, and then I'm headlining the next weekend.

Speaker 1 That would be nice.

Speaker 1 Go check out patreon.com/slash comtown, and we'll see you guys next week.