Ep. 296 – plmptwn

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Speaker 1 and uh

Speaker 1 we just sort of started yeah it's just there's no i've heard

Speaker 1 i've heard you know theme music you've heard

Speaker 1 our boy matt pavage is here

Speaker 1 disparaging the professionalism of the show yeah dude in the new york comedy scene

Speaker 1 i thought everybody was friends with each other. Everybody loves.

Speaker 1 And they're definitely happy with the amount of money we make for the amount of effort we put in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. That's the main thing.

Speaker 1 Everything's deserved.

Speaker 1 And boy, are they right. As many because the old guys couldn't contain it, we were making like $2,000.
We were barely making any money. Rich Voss is like, fuck those fucking faggots.

Speaker 1 How dare they?

Speaker 1 I've got kids.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the motherfucking dojo, Matt. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 Of course, dude. This is the most successful comedy podcast

Speaker 1 in the world. 2003, funniest person in New York.

Speaker 2 2003.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first

Speaker 1 year I was hard.

Speaker 1 Did you get

Speaker 1 like lightning in a bottle?

Speaker 1 Mayor Giuliani gave you a key to the city. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now you have to throw the first pitch at the Mets, man. Wow.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 No lockdown rules for you either. That's when you win.
Yeah, he's so bad. No vax card required.
No have a special gold card here.

Speaker 2 No vax required.

Speaker 1 Yeah, pretty tight. It's just him, all the hot seeds, just hanging out.
They don't need it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 My friend has friends of the NYPD bumper sticker on his car. Damn.
That's embarrassing. I don't think he...
No, he's not friends with them. He's just.

Speaker 1 Is it the fraternal order of police? Yeah, whatever.

Speaker 1 He just drives drunk all the time. He just put it on.
Yeah, but then that's on your car. Yeah.
Yeah, but who cares? I don't know, man. I don't want that.
You just get pulled over by a drunk guy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Has his own lights. He's like, hey, asshole.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is your problem?

Speaker 1 Give me $100.

Speaker 1 We should try pulling over cops with our own lights. Just go to the citizens' arrest.
Citizens arrest. You haven't did a checkup on.
Is there that podcast lady who did the fuck the police podcast?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Like two summers ago.

Speaker 1 And yeah, it was drinking. Did you hear this story? No, there's some lady

Speaker 1 one of the most tragic stories I've ever seen. There's a lady who lives in Long Island but drives into like fucking East New York every Wednesday to do

Speaker 1 to podcast. So she has to go to a podcast.
She does overhead on a podcast studio where they're like, you know, like do your own podcast.

Speaker 1 And it's basically just a Facebook Live. Yeah.
They've like made her pay money. Money

Speaker 1 Money Intelligence Productions Incorporated, whatever the studio space is.

Speaker 1 Solutions. yeah.
So she goes there, and then her podcast, oh, you know, it's during like the riots or the protests and stuff. So she's like, fuck the police, fuck their families, or whatever.

Speaker 1 Like, this is the episode where she's saying all that and just drinking on camera on Facebook Live. Okay.
Like, fuck the police, fuck all that. And then driving home to Long Island

Speaker 1 after getting scammed into doing a podcast by whoever owns this studio. For no one.
She runs over a cop, but then it's like a cop that's like

Speaker 1 the one good cop. Yeah, just some skills.
Some Greek guy that's like teaching children accordion. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It literally was. Yeah.
He's like, he just helps people get out of parking tickets. It's like the one cop you don't want to run over.
She runs over him and then goes on a high-speed chase or whatever.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. And eventually they got her.
And there's just a video in the local news or whatever of her being arraigned and then like coming out of the jail and being put in a cop car and she's crying.

Speaker 1 She's like, I'm really sorry. And then like the reporter like, what are you sorry for? She's like, for killing him.
And they're like, what were you doing? She's like, I have a podcast.

Speaker 1 And then I'll have the word slam shut.

Speaker 2 And we plug the podcast.

Speaker 1 I hope she plugs. Did she even get to plug it, dude? She's like, I was doing my podcast.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But just one of the... You said you followed up with her? I haven't.
I haven't. I haven't done a check-in on that.
That's a wild tale. That's a top story from podcasting.

Speaker 1 She's getting a different type of foot long.

Speaker 1 That's so true.

Speaker 1 What kind of lesbian rape happens in jail? It's like a bus driver type Latina that

Speaker 1 just holds you down and licks your bust. Yeah, with Adam's haircut.

Speaker 1 I thought you complimented my haircut 30 minutes. No, he said you looked like Rachel Maddow.
Okay, well.

Speaker 1 Which is true. And you have her energy, too, by the way.
A little bit. Yeah.
It's because I'm so thorough. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So well researched.

Speaker 1 I never really get to the point.

Speaker 1 And I love munching bucks. Munching.

Speaker 1 I don't, yeah, I guess I've never thought about what kind of prison rape happens in women's jails.

Speaker 2 What happened in Orange is the New Black, right? That was a

Speaker 2 historical piece.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess that's true. You can't really, there's not a lot to beat off to, but you can catch a couple.
You can catch a couple titties. Yeah, for sure.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Donna from

Speaker 1 that 70s show.

Speaker 1 Who I beat off to quite a bit on that 70s show. I did a lot of beating off to whatever was on WB here.

Speaker 1 That jacking off show. That jacking off show.
That was a nickname for it. Well, there was an era

Speaker 1 on Friends.

Speaker 1 They didn't wear bras for like four seasons, and I jacked off to plenty of those episodes. Yeah, yeah.
You could see Courtney Cox's nipples. Your family fend afford HBS? Because we couldn't.

Speaker 1 We didn't have cable.

Speaker 1 It's hard. You could beat off

Speaker 1 television. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 It's a different kind of poor.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Beating off the network TV. I had a VHS tape that I said it before, but I had recorded like all the late night call now infomercials.
Hell yeah. And then, yeah, it would just pop that in.

Speaker 1 Did you jack off to them asking you to call in? And half of it is just like static and blue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know,

Speaker 1 stopping the tape. There's this show, Love After Lock, Lock Up.
It's about people on the outside falling in love with people on the inside, like writing letters and, like, waiting for them to get out.

Speaker 1 This guy's like waiting for this chick to get out. Um,

Speaker 1 and he's like, he's like, but the one problem is, is that her girl, she's got a girlfriend, and then the girlfriend. In jail, in jail,

Speaker 1 and then the girlfriend gets out. Oh, no.
And she's then still obviously in love with the girlfriend. Yeah.
So she's trying to orchestrate threesomes, and it's still hurting his feelings because

Speaker 1 they're having a much better time. But

Speaker 1 he's like

Speaker 1 a Latino gentleman.

Speaker 1 There's a line where. Mr.
Peanut? Yeah, like Mr. Peanut.

Speaker 1 You think he's Latino? I'd assume so. Interesting.
Yeah. There's a line where he says,

Speaker 1 he said, oh, she's nothing but a thug. He calls her a thug.
Uh-huh. And it's, it's pretty good.
Is he hot? Yeah, he looks good. Yeah.
Oh, he's sexy. Yeah, and he's got.
This girl's just a lesbian.

Speaker 1 She's bi. She's falling in love with this other girl.
Damn.

Speaker 2 But I like how that was the one problem: that she had a telephone.

Speaker 1 Not the fact that she was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just fucking funny. The whole show is about people.

Speaker 1 What was she in jail for? For loving too much. I think for being by

Speaker 1 transporting. Yeah, which should be a crime.
I think transporting mechanic pediments.

Speaker 1 Buy women should be on a watch list.

Speaker 1 They are criminals mostly. Buy women? I would say.

Speaker 1 Not a watch list, but a smash list. Smash list, that's true.

Speaker 1 They're also on my smash list, don't get me wrong, but they should be in jail.

Speaker 1 Buy men, on the other hand. Now, those are.
They should just be on a list of gay guys. Yeah, that's not even a list.
Just go ahead and cross the top off where it says bye guys.

Speaker 1 Cross it off. Put gay.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what kind of network TV were you guys beating off to? Nick answered, Adam.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 tried for a long time. Pornster.

Speaker 1 You're jagging off to Adam's Apple? No, they would have like, they would just have like porn stars on it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's true, but that's not basic. That's basic cable.
It's not network, dude. But you're right, the Sibian, the blurred out Sibian, definitely jacked off.
I jacked off.

Speaker 1 I tried really hard to jack off to the L word.

Speaker 1 The story about the lesbian Los Angeles community. Yes.
And

Speaker 1 there's a lot of just drama and gossip, and about 30 seconds per episode of

Speaker 1 breasts. Some scissors.
I feel like that's every show. I watch a couple of these HBO shows now, and it's making me feel like puritanical almost.

Speaker 1 No, no, they're bringing back shows you could beat off to.

Speaker 1 But it's like, it's why. It's just like they're high schoolers, and it's a pregnant woman getting her pussy eaten by a trans girl.
Sounds awesome. Yeah, but that's sign me up.

Speaker 1 How big are a tits? If she's pregnant, they're probably awesome.

Speaker 1 I don't get what the story is.

Speaker 1 I don't understand what the trans story is hot. She's a trans cutie.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Wait, is this really, this really happened? I don't know about the pregnant.

Speaker 1 I didn't see that episode. But the Sidney Sweeney.
Oh, yeah, we've covered.

Speaker 1 This season, they are showing them maybe every episode. That's awesome.
Well, it's just kind of like the Lakers with LeBron. HBO.
Just know what you got. You got your workhorse.
100%.

Speaker 1 Sidney Sweeney's tits are the reason that people are tuning in.

Speaker 1 They have to do it. I watched an entire episode of that show, Euphoria, and I have no idea.
I couldn't tell you a single thing that happened. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea.

Speaker 1 It's just a bisexual A24 lighting and then

Speaker 1 people like

Speaker 1 texting their ex-boyfriend and then fucking the ex-boyfriend's friend. It's actually a pretty good show.

Speaker 1 But now, hold on, there's another text.

Speaker 2 I watched an incredible interview with one of the actors on the show.

Speaker 2 He's the drug dealer guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, Oh, yeah, I like him.

Speaker 2 And he must have been hammered. He was hiccuping during the interview.

Speaker 1 And then it's like Sinokio. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they ask him, they're like, do you take your work home with you? And he's like,

Speaker 2 what do you mean by that question? Like, do I actually. And they're like, you know, do you stay in character when you go home? And he just goes,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 And the interviewer is like.

Speaker 1 The character is just him.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 The interviewer goes, it's like Good Morning America?

Speaker 2 It was one of those internet,

Speaker 2 I don't know who the interviewer was.

Speaker 1 Oh, the hot sauce show.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 I wish it was the hot sauce. That's crazy that that's so successful.
It's so successful. That's like the kind of idea a person with Down syndrome would have.

Speaker 1 They're like, we eat wings, and then I ask,

Speaker 1 has Billie Eyeless what type of shoes she likes? And you look, and it's like 80 million fucking views.

Speaker 1 And then a bunch of, presumably other people with Down syndrome are like, I also like those shoes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, everyone's like, he's such a good interviewer. He asks questions.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I think that guy stinks. He's just got really lucky with the fucking shoes.
The hot ones guy? The hot ones guy. This guy is boring as shit.
He sucks.

Speaker 2 Monotone.

Speaker 1 He has TV shows now. That's hilarious.
He's got no sauce whatsoever.

Speaker 1 Fuck that guy. If you're listening, suck our fucking dicks, whatever his name is.

Speaker 2 And don't order his hot sauces because they're not good.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, he's a charlatan as well?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I think my girlfriend ordered the hot sauces because she really likes that show.

Speaker 1 Sounds like she really likes that guy. I know, dude.
She's about to fuck that guy. Damn.
How mad would you be if she fucked the guy for the hot ones?

Speaker 1 Literally, anyone else.

Speaker 1 I would be so confused by that. I'm like, I thought you loved me.
Yeah. A hot sauce.
She's like, but he's famous. It's like, it doesn't even count.
You're like, what?

Speaker 1 He's like, this is a really good pussy.

Speaker 1 He's pouring different hot sauces on her pussy while he's eating. He's like,

Speaker 1 Habanero is right.

Speaker 1 It hurts. And he's like, I know.

Speaker 1 I know, bitch.

Speaker 1 You don't have to tell me. You think you're the first bitch I've eaten hot sauce off a pussy?

Speaker 2 He's asking her questions.

Speaker 1 I should fucking eat.

Speaker 1 My friend told me a story

Speaker 1 about a girl talking about fucking Drake, right?

Speaker 1 And so he

Speaker 1 said that's

Speaker 1 fucking a hot sauce. Where is the spreadsheet? I hadn't heard it.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 The lying copying spreadsheet. Your friend told you that story? Oona told me on the phone yesterday.
That was a huge meme.

Speaker 1 I didn't know.

Speaker 1 All right. Sorry.
It's also, too, like, clearly one of the fakest stories I've ever heard. Oh, that's insane.
He put hot sauce in a condom. Again,

Speaker 1 another story concocted by the Down syndrome community.

Speaker 1 The lying Jewish Down Syndrome community.

Speaker 1 That's so awesome that you said your friend told you that. How did you know that

Speaker 1 My friend knows this crazy story about these two towers.

Speaker 1 My friend told me the story of this guy from Apprentice became the president.

Speaker 1 That's so sick, Adam. Your friend told me that.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 speaking of Sidney Sweeney's, speaking of Sidney Sweeney. Oh, changing the subject.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Speaking of Sidney's Sweeney's Sydney Sweetie.
We weren't. We were speaking about stories your friend told us.
The mango. Yeah, thank you.
She's got the best pair, right? Sure. But maybe

Speaker 1 top two pair. The other one is the true detective.
Alexander Didario, of course. But HBO pulled a wild one, and they made the show The White Lotus, and they put

Speaker 1 the four best titties on it. You don't see them at all?

Speaker 1 The four bags of the apocalypse. Yeah, listen.
It's just a lot of power on one screen.

Speaker 1 I haven't seen White Lotus. Do you see any other tits?

Speaker 1 Probably not.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Wow. Ridiculous.
But it is a very good show.

Speaker 1 It is a very good show. It's another one of these things.
things. They're in high school and they fuck each other.
No, no, it's about a resort.

Speaker 1 They already did that. It's called Degrassi the Next Generation.

Speaker 1 It's much better. You are Degrassi.
4 is degrassing. Like A24 is Degrassi.
I hate that. Yeah.
I want a shot on a camcorder, and it's ACT.

Speaker 1 They cast actual eight-year-olds that are like, I got raped at the chess club.

Speaker 1 They're like, well, there's nothing we can do about that, Teddy. I'm sorry.
You're just going to have to bury it somewhere deep inside yourself. I got raped outside of school.
Outside.

Speaker 1 I got raped in my ooze.

Speaker 1 I got raped in my ooze by the soccer coach.

Speaker 1 Have you ever watched The Grassy Next Generation, man? No.

Speaker 1 It's fucking

Speaker 1 amazing.

Speaker 2 I know. I know Aubrey Drake Graham was in it.

Speaker 1 Everyone knows that. That's a meme.
We all know. Oh, he didn't claim his friend told him.

Speaker 1 He just says he knows it. So your friend told you about Drake.
If you had just said I saw it on the internet. I didn't see it on the internet.
I missed it shut up dude

Speaker 1 you're fucking lying I shan't I shan't you're lying right now I'm literally not lying Jonah

Speaker 1 where did you think Jonah got this information you thought Jonah knew the girl Drake fucked I don't know he heard it from someone else

Speaker 1 the internet he doesn't know Drake I know that's not implying that Jonah is best friends with Drake well then he almost certainly found out about let's call Jonah right now let's call him right now we don't have to call Jonah's not on trial here you are He can attest to the fact that we were on the phone, and I was like, oh, I did not know that.

Speaker 1 Still, I guess that does really nothing for you. Really does absolutely nothing for your stance.

Speaker 1 But he would love to be on the show.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, maybe. No, but we're not calling him.
He'll never be on the show. Anyway, sorry to be rude, Matt.
We never got to what you beat off to on network television.

Speaker 2 So my mom was super religious.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Really? You beat off to your mom.
No.

Speaker 1 So the Virgin Mary? There's the only picture of a woman you had in your home?

Speaker 1 Gun outfit. Kitty's out.

Speaker 1 Cross.

Speaker 1 Accentuating the cleanness. Rosary beats between the two.
You're painting a very vivid picture.

Speaker 1 God damn.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I got to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 To shit again. No, to masturbate.

Speaker 2 No, and we were also poor. So my mom used to make up that she didn't want us to watch.

Speaker 1 We didn't have to do it. It would cost money.

Speaker 2 Because it'll cost money. But she would say it was like, for God.

Speaker 1 Right. Oh, for God.
So I actually have like a whole

Speaker 2 black hole of no information on like pop culture.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 From like the mid-90s. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And like my whole life, people would be like, you remember that? And I'm just like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 You were lying. You were the kid that lied about watching South Park.
Yeah, no, I did that too. And then you show up, you're like, did anyone watch a new episode of Viper?

Speaker 1 People like, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 So what, so, so, beating off pickings were slim, it sounds like, in beating off in the Pavish household.

Speaker 2 Very, very slim.

Speaker 1 Did you find a porn in the woods or something? No. You grew up here, though, too, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I found porn in my dad used to rent the upstairs houses, like apartments in his house, and there was some porn in the bathroom there. Nice.

Speaker 1 That's cool. Yeah, that's cool.

Speaker 2 And I definitely beat off to that.

Speaker 1 Was it like from the tenant, or was it like your dad put it out as a good landlord? Like when you go to

Speaker 1 the house,

Speaker 1 like look, we got it's part of the red. It's like you got

Speaker 1 bathroom porn. I love that he had it in the bathroom.
Like I was just shitting and beating off as it was his plan.

Speaker 1 Like, look, as a youth, did I have to beat off in the bathroom? Of course. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You take, I took a lot of Greek magazines, which showed titties pretty liberally, and I would pretend I was reading them. You love the bathroom.
And I was jacking off while shitting in there.

Speaker 1 Growing up in England, you just got titties in the newspaper every day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, pretty sure pretty cool did you guys jerk off before you had come yeah of course 100 yes yeah and it was a much more powerful uh orgasm yeah

Speaker 2 from my recollection and then that first time you come you're just like what the

Speaker 1 dick is broken i was so stoked i was pissed because i knew that that's all my friends could do that and now i was one of the guys yeah because this adam was had didn't have come until he was 24.

Speaker 1 i was a little bit of a late bloomer adam had hairless nuts in grad school no he was in law school. No puges.
He comes out like a puff from a glade plug. Oh, my God.
That's not true.

Speaker 1 You know that I'm a heavy shooter.

Speaker 1 No, it's no, you're definitely not a heavy shooter. Don't even pretend you're a heavy shooter.

Speaker 1 Do you want to call? Yeah, I do. My parents.
We're going to call.

Speaker 1 We're going to call his lifeline.

Speaker 1 You just waste your lifeline.

Speaker 1 Tell them I come a lot. Tell Regis I bust fast and a much.

Speaker 1 This guy's fucking gay.

Speaker 1 Hey, Dad's a fag. Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad. Million dollar question.

Speaker 1 Hey, Dad.

Speaker 1 It's your son. I'm with Regis Philip.
It's your son who

Speaker 1 comes buckets. Does Regis look cute?

Speaker 1 Can you give him my phone number?

Speaker 1 I walked into that one.

Speaker 1 Ask him if he wants to do a show called Who Wants to Be My Boyfriend. And the answer is.

Speaker 1 I really walked in on that one. He's a good man.
He's made a lot of sacrifices for his family.

Speaker 1 Tell Regis I said hello.

Speaker 1 I'm wearing his tie right now. I'm wearing a very shiny tie.

Speaker 1 Those ties were brutal.

Speaker 1 I love them shits, dude. I was just like walking around fat as shit, 11 years old at church.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, with the shiny ass tie.

Speaker 1 Big knot. Yeah.
Full Windsor. Yeah.
That was awesome, dude. I love the shiny tie era.
I had a Jerry Garcia tie and a Donald Trump collection tie.

Speaker 1 I had the Donald Trump collection as well. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn, dude, what kind of religion? We're talking Catholic. I grew up Greek Orthodox, but Greek people don't really give a fuck about church.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my mom switched it up.

Speaker 1 She switched it up? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 She joined a cult? Kind of. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nice. That's right.

Speaker 1 So this is, we're talking, that sounds like a nice mix of religion and mental illness.

Speaker 2 I don't want to say that about my mom.

Speaker 1 Sure, sure, sure. She's a lovely lady.

Speaker 1 But,

Speaker 2 you know, yeah,

Speaker 2 she's susceptible to

Speaker 1 so you were going to different churches?

Speaker 2 All different types of churches. We went to like fun, evangelical, like gospel,

Speaker 2 guitar, drums. Yeah, nice.

Speaker 1 Oh, badass.

Speaker 1 Harry Potter is the devil. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We have to throw out all of our Harry Potter first edition

Speaker 2 from fucking Great Britain from my aunt. That would be worth lots of money.

Speaker 2 We have to burn them in a fire.

Speaker 1 That fucking sucks. Oh, that's good because she hates trans people.
Yes. That's true.

Speaker 1 It's flipped around now. So that it was good.
The church was right.

Speaker 1 It is satanic. It is actually satanic.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then we'd go to like

Speaker 2 Catholic church, which we loved because we called it like fast food church because it's only like 15 minutes long.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Compared to like these evangelical churches that were like three and a half hours long. Damn.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then you have to go to

Speaker 2 the church. And then there's a potluck, and you have a youth group before that, and after that.
What's a potluck?

Speaker 1 You know, I still don't know what a potluck is. Everyone brings food.
Yeah. But then do you gamble for it?

Speaker 1 You're right. The luck aspect is misleading.
I've always imagined like a casserole cakewalk. Yeah, no.
Like bingo with beans and cheese. Everybody's a winner, baby, at the potluck.

Speaker 2 Everyone's a winner at the podlock.

Speaker 1 Especially the fat book.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. So people would be like, what did Martha make this week?

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Man, just wearing that nun outfit, titties out, slaving over a hot stove.
God damn, I'm for it.

Speaker 2 Brought to you by every podcast I do on the night.

Speaker 1 Don't tell her about this one.

Speaker 1 She's just in the kitchen with her titties out, like, what?

Speaker 1 What are they saying about me?

Speaker 1 On the bottom, it's just chilly.

Speaker 1 Just chilly drying on the bottom of her kits.

Speaker 1 Texting you.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Why did you tell them about the true story? The true outfit I used to wear all the time.
My true clothes that I love wearing.

Speaker 1 That you would masturbate to

Speaker 1 without coming.

Speaker 1 By the way.

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Speaker 1 Delta ATB. That's how you know something is really motherfucking legal when you have to say the exact little fucking

Speaker 1 line that's in the middle of the numbers and letters.

Speaker 1 If you get pulled over with this shit, do not roll your windows down. Hand your sovereign citizen card over to the police officer.

Speaker 1 Say

Speaker 1 you have no

Speaker 1 power over me, sir. And start filming.

Speaker 1 It's non-prescription. Skip the doctor visit.
No prescriptions or medical marijuana card required. It's hemp-derived, and hemp is

Speaker 1 some other shit. It's technically not regular ass weed.
And here we go. We are currently experiencing high demand.
No pun intended. Please allow three to five days for your order to ship.
Wow.

Speaker 1 They're mad at heart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Yeah. So I don't know.
That's especially true of drug addiction.

Speaker 1 I don't know about you, but I love waiting longer for some bullshit that I bought off a podcast. So do I.
What is Delta ATHC? We already answered that. It was hemp, and no one cares.

Speaker 1 No one gives a fuck what's going on. Is Delta ATHC legal? Who gives a fuck? Yeah.
Do you really fucking care if it's legal, the person listening? This is how this section goes. You don't fucking care.

Speaker 1 You just know you can get edibles off the fucking internet. So do it.
Is Delta ATHC legal? Short answer, yes. And then there's another paragraph after that.

Speaker 1 We won't bore you. We won't bore you with the bullshit details.

Speaker 1 The point is, here's some fucking edibles you can buy off the fucking internet that they claim get you a little less high than regular weed.

Speaker 1 But as a guy who takes them all the time, it's basically the same shit. And they taste good.
They come in blue, raspberry, or watermelon. That's right.

Speaker 1 You can tell they're targeting a very specific weed. No, you can't tell that necessarily.
Okay. What do you mean? How many gummies should I take?

Speaker 1 If this is your first time using THC, start with half a gummy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Eat the entire package. Yeah, unless you're a bitch.

Speaker 1 If you're a bitch, do what they say and take half a gummy. But if you've got big fat nuts or a nice wet pussy, you eat that whole fucking thing.

Speaker 1 If this isn't your first rodeo, you should be fine starting with a whole gummy. It can take up to an hour to experience the full effects of diet smoke.
So start slow.

Speaker 1 Start slow, end slow. That's right.
You know?

Speaker 1 And so what's that promo code, Nick? I said it already. It's come town.
It's come town. Well, said it.
We said it twice.

Speaker 1 Are you a weed guy at all, Matt? Are you totally sobs? What are we doing?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm off the sauce.

Speaker 1 Off the sauce.

Speaker 2 I'm completely sober. I still smoke cigarettes, which is probably the worst one.
Yeah, but it's cool.

Speaker 1 You should switch to vaping. This has ruined my life.

Speaker 2 I went to vaping, and I was vaping so much that my girlfriend said, go back to cigarettes.

Speaker 1 That's what happened to me.

Speaker 1 To say, it's like, yeah, it feels like smoking a whole cart and a cigarette.

Speaker 2 It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did before I went to drink.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I bring it in the bed now. Yeah, I wake up, which is rip it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I used to smoke it in the middle of the night.

Speaker 1 You used to not be able to do that because you'd burn down an entire city block.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 1 But you can do that with vapor. We all saw this.
And you can do it with Diet Smoke. You can do it with Delta 8.

Speaker 1 Here's a great question. Will Delta 8 show up on a drug test? And the answer is absolutely not.
Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 It definitely is, motherfuckers. So that's what we're saying.
You're basically buying weed through a loophole. These are very Lionel Hunts.
There's no way for drug tests to tell the difference.

Speaker 1 It says that. So, yeah, it's the fault of the drug test.
Yeah. Anyway, look, fuck Diet Smoke.
Regularly drug tested, we recommend against Delta 8.

Speaker 1 How old do you have to be to purchase Diet Smoke? There is currently no federal age restriction on Delta 8.

Speaker 1 But Diet Smoke is only available to those that are 21 years old.

Speaker 1 And they're really going to check really hard.

Speaker 1 They're really going to change.

Speaker 1 Let's just see how hard it is.

Speaker 1 I want the blue raspberry.

Speaker 1 The $34. I'm prescription 100% legal.
And we're going to go three jars. Three jars.
They got a subscribe and save options. You get 10% off.
We're going to do one-time.

Speaker 1 Let's just say we're doing a one-time purchase. Added the cart.
We'll go to the cart and view cart. Subtotal $81.
We're going to apply coupon code. Come town.

Speaker 1 Let's see what it does. We'll see what that gets you.
Apply.

Speaker 1 Wow. And that brings it down to $69.

Speaker 1 Oh, nice. Love that.
There we go. And it thinks we're shipping to Florida.
So we're going to say fucking

Speaker 1 New York. New York.
Yeah, so I can go down to Florida and pick it up.

Speaker 1 Take a trip. Yeah, dude.
You know, I love Miami.

Speaker 2 I do love Miami.

Speaker 1 Best city.

Speaker 1 Okay, proceed to check out. Proceed to check out.
And

Speaker 1 billing address. Yeah.
Looks like they're not even asking at any point. It doesn't even ask.

Speaker 1 That doesn't even come up. It doesn't even.
Not even a checkbox.

Speaker 1 I'm not for sure it'd be a checkbox.

Speaker 1 But don't do that.

Speaker 1 Even though technically, there is no federal restriction. A wink-ass motherfucking wink.
Wink wink.

Speaker 1 They're stand-up guys.

Speaker 1 They want 21-year-old, mature people. They got a lot of great stuff in there.
You can even follow them on Instagram. You can see pictures of this guy.
That's the content I want. What's his name?

Speaker 1 This guy that clearly definitely is a type of customer.

Speaker 1 Uh, yeah, diet, motherfucking smoke.

Speaker 1 But anyway, whatever. Promo code come town.
More importantly, come see me in Las Vegas this weekend,

Speaker 1 Sacramento next weekend,

Speaker 1 Houston, Austin, Dallas, San Francisco, Vancouver through March, St. Louis, Chicago, Burlington, Vermont, Charlotte, Nashville, Atlanta.
Your boy is all over the place through April.

Speaker 1 The Prince of Pleasure tour, the pleasure continues, folks. Brought to you by Stavi.biz.
Brought to you by DietSmoke.com.

Speaker 1 I am sponsored by DietSmoke.com. And so, what exactly is Delta 8? Delta 8 is simply a slightly less potent THC.

Speaker 1 The THC that you're probably most familiar with is Delta 9. It's my career.
And while both

Speaker 1 natural to the cannabis plant,

Speaker 1 Diet Smoke extracts some Delta 8 from hemp. You're impacting him.
Some may call this the loophole. I call it the secret recipe to get me smooth steakhouse.

Speaker 1 Adam, did you have something you wanted to say? My girlfriend's pregnant. I need this.

Speaker 1 I didn't mean to say that on the show.

Speaker 1 Folks, you can see me, Adam Friedland, on the Prince of Pleasure tour. That's my tour.
Keep doing this, BitNick. Okay.
If you fucking want to say you're doing my fucking pleasure.

Speaker 1 You can come see me on

Speaker 1 the Photoshop tour. On the Adam Xerox tour.
On the King of Pleasure tours. You wish, bitch.

Speaker 1 You don't even know what pleasure is. Me? You've never felt pleasure.

Speaker 1 I am a man strictly devoted to pleasure.

Speaker 1 No, you wish.

Speaker 1 That's why you fucking eat like four little fucking whole grain couscouses.

Speaker 1 And I smile.

Speaker 1 You eat a neutrograin bar with a fork and knife. Okay, all right.
You put three corners over there. If you are in the refrigerator.
You don't know gluttony. You don't like getting random pussy.

Speaker 1 That's not, your life is not about pleasure. Don't even, you've never ballooned up to close to 325 pounds.
You know what, Stop? A random pussy is not as pleasurable as pussy from a girl you love.

Speaker 1 Okay. So enjoy that.

Speaker 1 Enjoy that and enjoy your fucking, enjoy your fucking. Folks, you can see me on the big.

Speaker 1 What is that chicken? Bigger and blackerer tour.

Speaker 1 If you're in Chicago, the electoral getting a smoothie. Wow, Chicago?

Speaker 1 Chicago? I'm going to Chicago. Somebody's copying.
Well, you're going after me. So that's your.

Speaker 1 I've already been there two times. That's a well, I've been there.
March 11th and 12th. Don't go February 11th.
February 11th and 12th is stable and come on

Speaker 1 legal high.

Speaker 1 I'm going to start. I smoke.

Speaker 1 I'm going to start. It's legal

Speaker 1 in most states. Please, just stop.
And And it's non-prescription.

Speaker 1 Just check.

Speaker 1 Diet Smoke's website to see if they ship their delicious gummies to your state.

Speaker 1 Now you're probably asking for a second.

Speaker 1 I tried to get you to do your plugs, please. But you had to mock the Prince of Pleasure tour.
Okay. And now this is what you're doing.

Speaker 1 This is what you get.

Speaker 1 I just thought it was a cool name. The dog has been let out of the channel.
This is what you get.

Speaker 1 I let the chain loose, brother.

Speaker 1 The dog is going to balk.

Speaker 1 Please, please. Okay, please.

Speaker 1 For my current

Speaker 1 quick. You have 30 seconds, and then we're going to talk about matching.
You can see me on the original Queens of Comedy tour with Monique.

Speaker 1 Stop it!

Speaker 1 Just get the plug. Go, just do it.
You've got to get this out of my plug. No, I'm not.
We're trying to consolidate plug time. You're not consolidating anything.

Speaker 1 It's better, a better experience for the listeners. I guarantee you.
I'll do it. I'll isolate the tracks.

Speaker 1 I'll isolate the tracks, but one-on-one channel one. And now you have to snitch.

Speaker 1 Now you have to try and get my plugs fucked up. If you listen to this at home, I respected your plug.

Speaker 1 I respected your plug. If you're listening at home and you want to hear Adam's plugs, switch your headphones to your right ear only.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 And if you'd like to hear about what diet, does diet smoke really get you high?

Speaker 1 Then we'll do the left channel.

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 1 Jeez. Hurry up.
Go. You can see me.
I'm starting now. You can see me.
Of course.

Speaker 1 If you are.

Speaker 1 Just power through, dude.

Speaker 1 With diet.

Speaker 1 Give me your fucking plugs. I'll do your plugs.
I'll show you how professional.

Speaker 1 I'll show you how professional. I'll show you my plugs.
I want to do my plugs.

Speaker 1 It makes me feel nice. All right, do them.
Okay. If you are in Chicago.
Somewhere between

Speaker 1 the CBD.

Speaker 1 Just do it.

Speaker 1 Remember when

Speaker 1 he used to tell people my tickets were free? And he would sing the Fraser theme song? He did that. Yes, you have to just power through.
After your plug.

Speaker 1 You have to power through. He's fucked up plenty of flowers.

Speaker 1 Tickets are free. You reminded me about that.

Speaker 1 If you are in Chicago, Illinois, the 11th or 12th of February, I'm at the Lincoln Lodge. And the tickets are filled in.

Speaker 1 The 17th

Speaker 1 of February. I will be at Caroline.
Good night, everybody. Palmer.
Just do the fucking plugs.

Speaker 1 Just do the fucking stuff.

Speaker 1 You got to find the pockets.

Speaker 1 You got to find the pockets to do the plugs.

Speaker 1 You got to find the pockets. This is not on me.
Run over, Palmer. Listen, I've earned the respect to do my plugs after years of getting them interrupted.
You're new to the game, all right?

Speaker 1 You're the fucking you guy at the plugs game. Okay.
So get them in it. Get him in the pockets.

Speaker 1 Just let me in the game. Hurry up.
Talk now.

Speaker 1 If you are in Chicago, Illinois on the 11th and 12th, you can see the game. And you're looking for

Speaker 1 sexy Delta

Speaker 1 gummies.

Speaker 1 If you are in Chicago, Illinois, and

Speaker 1 I will be at the Lincoln Live.

Speaker 1 Too wordy. Hurry up.
Chicago, February 11th and 12th. Fucking Carolines, the next weekend.

Speaker 1 Carolines, February 17th. And then the next day, I am at Hideout Comedy in Boston, the 18th and 19th.
Lovely. And

Speaker 1 March 11th through 14th, Carolines, Boston Comedy Club.

Speaker 1 March, January 2nd. It's fine.
You're done. Funny moms.

Speaker 1 Funny moms will be returning the 21st and 28th of February as well if you're in New York. I will not be here.

Speaker 1 Stav, Stav will be zooming in from

Speaker 1 the West Coast. Stav will, okay, but

Speaker 1 Nick and Adam will be there. Nick and Adam.
Let's be honest, probably just Adam. No, don't say that either.
You're killing my sales. It will be me and Mo Nikk at Funny Moms on the 21st and 28th.

Speaker 1 The comedy legend Mo apostrophe.

Speaker 1 I saw a dude stand up once. I said more like Grownique.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 because she grew from being fat. No, Grown.
Grown. Grown.
Oh, sorry. Like, oh,

Speaker 1 that's your name now. Grownique Xerox.
Grown Eeek Xerox Machine. The cheese faggot.
The cheese faggot. Chicago the 11th of the machine.
Grownik Xerox, the cheese faggots.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, the faggot who eats cheese.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 starting out. When CBD isn't enough, and traditional THC is too much.
How much coffee did they give you? It's incredible. Dude, we really love Delta or Titan Smoke.
They're really cool.

Speaker 1 Make sure that he does not get to remove it.

Speaker 1 Anyway, go see Adam. Go see Adam in Chicago, February 11th and 12th.
Next weekend he's in Carolines, then Boston. You want to buy tickets?

Speaker 1 And then after that, end of February Funny Moms is back folks. That's how it's done Adam.
That was good stuff. Okay.
You're a professional and I admire you as a colleague. I still look up to you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. And you should.

Speaker 1 Particularly at my nuts.

Speaker 1 I'm nude and you're

Speaker 1 someone who inspires me every day. Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 2 Beautiful.

Speaker 1 Thank you. That's correct.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 Matt, you got a fucking, let's talk about what you got going on. You just released a fucking album.

Speaker 2 I did. It's my first one.
The Rocks Brothers.

Speaker 1 It feels good.

Speaker 2 It's called Wednesdays at Bellevue. Hell yeah.
It was very fun to do.

Speaker 1 Were you in Bellevue?

Speaker 2 Yeah, a couple times. Is that the brain or

Speaker 1 for mental health? No, I'm mentally ill.

Speaker 2 Nuts. Yeah, I'm bipolar one.

Speaker 1 Awesome. I got that real.
Did they have better retro, the electro one to you?

Speaker 2 They didn't do electro to me, but there was a couple people in there that were doing electro, and I was curious.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what about that ketamine therapy? Don't you guys do ketamine?

Speaker 1 Apparently, electro works better than ketamine. Yeah.
Yeah, but it's not as fun. Yeah, but the electro one's fun, dude.
They turn you into Frankenstein.

Speaker 1 That would be pretty cool.

Speaker 1 Your hair is just

Speaker 1 up all the time. You look like Sylvester the cat

Speaker 1 being tricked into putting his finger in the

Speaker 1 phone.

Speaker 1 You put a light bulb in your mouth like Uncle Festo.

Speaker 2 The people that used to come back from electrotherapy were in wheelchairs and did not look like it was very fun.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. That sucks.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't work.

Speaker 1 Did they shit themselves?

Speaker 2 I have no idea. I didn't ask too many questions.

Speaker 1 I think it does work. That's why they still do it.
Yeah. So you literally just zap a motherfucker's brain and hope that some shit shit happens?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know the science behind it,

Speaker 2 but they looked like they had been through a war.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 1 That's wild. Yeah, nice.
And would they put you on with a conversation? A lot of them have actually been through a war. That's true.

Speaker 1 Point of fact, a lot of them are veterans.

Speaker 1 Damn. So did you get ketamine?

Speaker 2 I didn't get the ketamine drip.

Speaker 1 Imagine you go to Iraq, right? You avoid all the PTSD. You're there for four years, and then you get home and your wife's gained 250 pounds.

Speaker 1 And then you go, you just have a psychotic break. You're like, what happened to all that good pussy? Ah!

Speaker 1 I'm just fucking boys in Afghanistan for four years. When I come home to this,

Speaker 1 oh my God.

Speaker 1 Everyone said, just stick to goats. I should have listened.

Speaker 1 This is God's comeuppance for me for becoming an Afghani pedophile. Now I just close my eyes and pretend I'm in a moon bounce molesting children.

Speaker 1 This isn't. Listen, when in Kabul,

Speaker 1 damn, dude. What kind of shit they have you on?

Speaker 2 They just gave me a bunch of meds, tried to calm me down. I've only been in there for manic episodes.
Okay. So

Speaker 2 I'm buzzing. Nice.
Pretty high. Yeah.
Nice.

Speaker 2 So they're just trying to get me back down.

Speaker 1 You ever

Speaker 1 paint a whole house while that shit happens or anything wild like that?

Speaker 2 I've done some dumb shit.

Speaker 2 I've never painted a whole house. I made a whole rap album and almost.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Can we play that on the show? But that's the kind of shit you don't want to medicate away. The rap album stays.
No.

Speaker 1 Cutting your e-book,

Speaker 1 it was just the N-word over and over again.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 a rap album.

Speaker 1 I know what it is.

Speaker 1 That's literally Kanye's process: he's bipolar. He goes off the meds, he makes an album in a week and a half, and then he goes back on the meds.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know. I've literally screamed, I have superpowers.

Speaker 1 You've heard the Rogan interview

Speaker 1 on the whole thing.

Speaker 1 The whole thing.

Speaker 1 Because they say language is words, but what if it was ideas?

Speaker 1 Joe Rogan's like, what do you mean by that? He's like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know, Joe. I don't have to.
That's the thing, is there's an expectation to answer questions. But what if there's just what if questions are answers?

Speaker 1 Like on Jeopardy.

Speaker 2 That interview set back mental health advocacy 20 years ago.

Speaker 1 No, it didn't. No, it didn't, though.
It's the opposite.

Speaker 1 Visibility. Yeah.
Not only is it visibility, but he's like...

Speaker 2 But he said he's not mentally ill.

Speaker 1 I mean, he is.

Speaker 2 Joe Rogan's like, yeah, I would have just told you to do some kettlebell swings.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And Connie's like, yeah, you're right. I should have just exercised.

Speaker 1 It was insane. We're talking about it.
It's so bad.

Speaker 1 I think that's good. Yeah, I think that's good.
Well, you're talking to an unmedicated mentally ill person.

Speaker 1 That's this podcast.

Speaker 1 This podcast is sort of like that rap album, but over five years

Speaker 1 in a lot of ways. What was your best

Speaker 1 top bar? What was your best bar?

Speaker 2 You say that I'm whack at rap. I'm the antithesis.
I'm a sonu for life.

Speaker 1 Oh, very lyrical.

Speaker 1 photosynthesis there we go that's bipolar disorder

Speaker 1 none of that makes sense

Speaker 2 i'm a sun you for life photosynthesis

Speaker 1 i like

Speaker 1 a sun you for life like the sun s-o-n-s-un- yeah it's a

Speaker 1 it's a lyrical wordplay i was a genius yeah so you would say your main influences were cool mode nas

Speaker 1 yeah i'm from queens so

Speaker 1 real quick though we want to talk about

Speaker 1 already yeah the whole show is ads we're kind of four more minutes right no we don't no for 20 minutes 40 minutes all right fuck it let's do it

Speaker 1 adam do you have any plugs

Speaker 1 i will be killing myself

Speaker 1 well i don't want to interrupt that

Speaker 1 let's just all stay very still

Speaker 1 and see if he does it if you are at the george washington bridge yeah on dude don't fuck up traffic yeah that's a funny bridge that's a funny bridge to kill yourself up traffic i'll be in the river no that would fuck up you You got to kill yourself on the Pulaski bridge.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 On the one in Greenpoint? That's barely a bridge? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that you just walk over?

Speaker 1 You wouldn't even die.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you wouldn't even die if you jumped off that. We got a new sponsor.
I'm so embarrassed. For the show, first time ever.
Bird dogs. And we're fucking pumped.

Speaker 1 I am personally pumped because I've had bird dogs wrapped around my little nutsack for years.

Speaker 1 And we picked them up as a sponsor. And at first, they said, well, we don't want want you doing the reads until we send you the stuff.
And it's like, you think we'd take any of the fucking shit?

Speaker 1 You think we'd give a fuck? The other reads are for like, like, probably, lithium. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Offshore gambling. Yeah, offshore gambling fucking gamblers.
We lie almost all the time.

Speaker 1 Cryptocurrency that lets you like hide your child pornography in your wallet.

Speaker 1 Give us money. We'll say it's good.
We'll say it's good.

Speaker 1 This is the rare time. They're like, yeah, we don't want to do it if you guys think the product is whack.
We love the pro. I I love the product.
But I told him, Stav already wears it. It's a client.

Speaker 1 Now, I was skeptical because

Speaker 1 I thought it was just shorts and it's fucking winter. Right.
And I've already paired down my shorts.

Speaker 1 I throw out all my shorts every winter because I'm like, there's no way I'm making it another six months.

Speaker 1 It's not going to happen.

Speaker 1 And God forbid I do. What are you going to do? Hang yourself in shorts?

Speaker 1 Right. Like, what? I did it because it's adult swim.
Shorts are a living man's

Speaker 1 attire. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 but but they sent this stuff and they got these pants and i feel like i'm on star trek yeah they look awesome i've never dabbled with the pants i've always been a shortsman the pants fucking rule those are joggers right if i'm correct i don't know what they are i think they're just like uh mixed race uh zoomer pants i think that's that's what they say that's what they're called on the website

Speaker 1 mixed race frizzy yeah broccoli hair uh zoomer pants but i look i i feel like i feel like luke skywalker you do feel like you're in the future when you wear those

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 are you in Ben harassing sand people today?

Speaker 1 All right, be home for dinner. That's the look.

Speaker 1 I love the shorts personally.

Speaker 1 I have lost and gained 60 pounds three times over in these shorts, folks.

Speaker 1 And they've adapted to my body

Speaker 1 at every stage.

Speaker 1 I've gamed all day. I've done squats.
I've gone on runs. I've gone on very, uh, very short walks that put me just as out as breath at a different point in my life.
They're very versatile.

Speaker 1 You don't need underwear to wear them. I like that.
You know what I'm saying? Keep my underwear. I don't have to be doing fucking laundry all the time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You go to the website and it's a bunch of guys wearing the shorts doing Brazilian jiu-jitsu with each other.

Speaker 1 But it doesn't look like they know what they're doing. This guy's staring at the other guy's ass and wearing a Star Wars shirt.
It feels like he's horny for his ass. So I think

Speaker 1 it's shorts for gay nerds.

Speaker 1 Is that from the copy?

Speaker 1 The fat podcasters are gay nerds.

Speaker 1 Those are the two demographics. Which sounds disparaging, but when you consider who listens to this show,

Speaker 1 that is 100% of the demographics. Yeah, we didn't have to say the podcast was successful.
Yeah, bird dogs, that sounds like cool guys that take over the mountain and

Speaker 1 steal the snowboarders' girlfriends with their expensive skis. No.
Not at all. These are gay nerd pants

Speaker 1 for people who are lying to themselves about their waist size.

Speaker 1 And it's not that you don't need to wear underwear with them. It's that we already know you don't wear underwear

Speaker 1 because you either have just given up and have accepted that there's going to be shit stains on your pants. Right.
That you're going to shit through the underwear. Right.
Think of these as a way.

Speaker 1 to real pants. They've already accomplished.
These are the methadone. You can get off the crack of your shitted in sweatpants.

Speaker 1 And they're big kids' pull-ups. And if you're 33 years old and still being potty trained for the second time in life,

Speaker 1 and you're telling everyone you were in a car actually. Oh, there is no shame in that, folks.
There is no shame whatsoever. Let me stigmatize it.
Let me find these pants.

Speaker 1 I guess these are the pants I'm wearing.

Speaker 1 Again, it's two men on a mini-bike, and one of them's holding the other one. And these are getting nerdy.
Yeah, this is cute. They are joggers.
You were right.

Speaker 2 They're very nice. I was going to compliment them.

Speaker 1 Would you like a pair? We have a stack of paper. These are called the Wayne Rogretskies.
Oh, I like that. That's fine.
Do you think they get away with that?

Speaker 1 Gay Bruce, Tiger Woods, but it's a W-O-U-L-D-S. So those are pants that you can fuck a Waffle House waitress in.
Yes. Yeah.
And they come with or without the liner. Ah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 How about the ones you're wearing now? Liner?

Speaker 1 I think they have a liner. I don't know.
I didn't check. Well, check.
Can you see your penis if you pull them out? I just.

Speaker 1 There's a liner. I guess that's a nice navy blue blue liner in here.
Khaki pants, you know what I need? Pants with built-in underwear. Said nobody ever.

Speaker 1 They say that, isn't that? That's what it says on here.

Speaker 1 Isn't that kind of their business model? Well, I guess they also offer pants.

Speaker 1 I see, I see, yeah, yeah. Cheeky.

Speaker 1 Jeff Pisos, Ernie Muss, the Bruce Waynes. Well, that's sucks.
These stopped being puns.

Speaker 1 Now it's just a guy that doesn't know how to spell.

Speaker 1 The Michael Gordons.

Speaker 1 Whoops. Pants.
But they are. I'm telling you.
They look awesome.

Speaker 1 I've never fucked with the pants. I'm ready to fuck with them now.
Bird dogs, if you're listening. Why don't you send this over a couple of direct sales?

Speaker 1 These guys look like they're wearing the pants to work. Bird looks a child 16 as well.
Yeah. Yeah.
If you make pants for little girls. They do this.
They show you the duck.

Speaker 1 Oh, these are guys wearing them to work. But I think these more if you're unemployed, these seem like a much better

Speaker 1 sort of fit. fit.
Because I'm feeling never work again vibes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they look comfy. We should give these to homeless people.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 In fact, I think I'm going to have a little email, a little Microsoft Zoom session with the head of advertising there and say, you know what,

Speaker 1 we need to swap out all the Avoraks for bird dogs on New York City's homeless population.

Speaker 1 Think about it. What do people want to look like? Bums.
The homeless. They want to look like homeless people.
Like a cool, relaxed bum. Yeah.
Like one that's...

Speaker 1 That definitely is it. I feel like that is what fucking fashion is now.
It's like, everyone's wearing a bunch of fucking layers.

Speaker 1 I'm sick of that. I'm tired of it.
I'm going to wear it. Fashion is khakis.
It's khaki shorts from our friends Bird Dogs, and it's a fucking Hawaiian shirt. And the promo code is cum, by the way.

Speaker 1 Is it? Yeah. That's awesome.
They just went with cum.

Speaker 1 Good on them.

Speaker 1 You can check out their Instagram or you can just go to their stories. It's a lot easier than...
What do you get with the promo code?

Speaker 1 I don't know. They just just told me the promo code.

Speaker 1 Probably a little somewhat. Let's just

Speaker 1 get a discount. We'll see here.
We'll just go. We'll add the pants that I'm wearing.
And it's twice as expensive. And with liner.
With liner, of course. And then check out.

Speaker 1 This is the way to do it. This is the way to check what you get.
Let's see. You get

Speaker 1 C-U-M. Let's see it.
So it goes from $109. I don't think they added the promo code.
Okay. It's not added yet.

Speaker 1 So you can't.

Speaker 1 It does not appear. Let's say 20%.
Let's say 20%. Who gives a fuck? By the time this air

Speaker 1 is literally in two days. Yeah, we got time.

Speaker 2 Someone send an email quick.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Get these motherfuckers. We call the ad buyer right now on the show.
Put them on the show. What's up, you fucking piece of shit?

Speaker 1 Where the fuck is our promo code, motherfucker?

Speaker 2 Yo, these are fun, huh? These are for Stavi, for sure.

Speaker 1 I have those. I have those that exact pair in a 2XL.
Yo, we're calling you from the White Excellence podcast.

Speaker 1 Your promo code code is not working. Absolutely not.
And we are about to get pissed off. All right.
From Bird Dogs. Here we go.
Here we go. Here's the email that they got.

Speaker 1 Promo code calm.

Speaker 1 That's what it looks like it is com. It is come.
Come as the promo code. So, you know, folks, you probably get a nice amount off or something free or free shipping or some bullshit.

Speaker 1 Just fucking buy the promo code. Hey, this is my problem.
I'm telling you, try one. If you don't like it, Adam will refund you personally.
He will. He will Venmo you.
And folks, these are probably.

Speaker 1 What's that Venmo, Adam? Why don't you let everybody know?

Speaker 1 My Venmo? Your personal Venmo. It is at Stop E.
No, it is. Or send an invoice to his home address, which is.

Speaker 1 Should I do it?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Shallotai.

Speaker 1 I live.

Speaker 1 I live in. Say something funny.
It better be funny.

Speaker 1 It better be a joke. I live in a house.
And it better be funny.

Speaker 1 I live in a home for battered women. Okay.

Speaker 1 Not that good.

Speaker 1 Not that good, Adam. Look, I'm

Speaker 1 just going to... Don't try.
Just don't try to get

Speaker 1 a man's ass. Just go to Bird Dogs and buy the pants.
I live in a man's ass. There we go.

Speaker 1 How did you get access to that?

Speaker 1 Craig's List. Craig's Craig's List, yeah.
That's awesome. Orthodox Jewish guy showed it to me.
Pretty cheap.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have a bathroom, or I guess the whole thing is a bathroom. The whole thing's a bathroom.
You just shit on the floor, and then the guy shits it out.

Speaker 2 Pretty cool. I was once at a party with an Orthodox Jewish man who was living a double life.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Yeah, yeah.
It was fucking cool. That's sick.
So he was just at the party hanging out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's like, oh, I met these girls at this Russian bathhouse, and they invited me to do it.

Speaker 1 I see a ton of them at the baths. Yeah.
And that's where they get pussy? Yeah, like staring at girls' tits. It didn't seem like.
Oh, really? Are you allowed to do that? You're not allowed to go.

Speaker 1 I mean, you aren't allowed to go, and girls are in bikinis and stuff. Oh, they're in bikinis, I see.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And he was like, Yeah, I have nine children, and I didn't even meet my wife until the day of our marriage, and I'm very unhappy, so now I smoke weed and do as many drugs as I can.

Speaker 1 Get pussy on the sneak? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. What's his job?

Speaker 2 I guess you don't know. I think he was a jeweler.

Speaker 1 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 1 What's so funny about that, Dick?

Speaker 1 What the fuck do you mean? What's so funny about that? He was a jeweler/slash landlord.

Speaker 1 That's a job.

Speaker 1 He pays his taxes.

Speaker 1 Does he? Yeah, that's so.

Speaker 1 Does he? Do you know that?

Speaker 1 I'll look into it and let you know.

Speaker 1 That's so awesome. I'll look into it with my colleagues.
What was the party? What was the party? Where were you?

Speaker 2 It was like a small house party.

Speaker 1 Oh, interesting.

Speaker 1 Was he in the whole get-up or no? Yeah. He was in the whole get-up.

Speaker 1 Were the girls that he met hot girls? They were pretty attractive, yeah. Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 He's got the sauce.

Speaker 1 Was he like a good-looking guy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, he wasn't like hideous. Yeah, and I feel like if you're not hideous, you're good-looking as a guy.

Speaker 1 Totally, that is true. Or sometimes, if you're hideous, and yeah, then it goes the other way, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you know,

Speaker 1 interesting. Good for him.
Wow, in the full, he didn't even do a costume change.

Speaker 1 I would have assumed that. You got to go back.
You got to go back to your wife, you know.

Speaker 1 He had the curlies and shit. Everything, man.
That's sick, dude.

Speaker 1 They took the curly. Imagine

Speaker 1 getting your dick sucked and the girl just reaches up and pulls on your curlies.

Speaker 1 That's got to be awesome.

Speaker 1 That sounds incredible. Or you're getting your ass eaten and she's tugging the curlies from the back.

Speaker 1 A lot of those guys in their double odds are into

Speaker 1 ladies that have penises. Interesting.

Speaker 1 Because once you break the taboo, who gives a fuck?

Speaker 1 That's the thing.

Speaker 1 When you make just any pussy bad, well, I'm not saying girls with penises are bad but you once you break the law yes you are but once you break the fucking once you break the fucking like uh if you make it so strict and it's like yeah these motherfuckers will do any wild shit they don't give a fuck because even like looking at a woman's like thighs you might as well be getting fucked in the ass by like a guy it's the rum spring of logic it's the rum spring of logic yeah yeah that's sick i'm glad those guys are getting i mean but

Speaker 1 Fucking one of those guys must be brutal. I feel like they have some of the worst smelling asses, probably.
Hygiene's not a big thing. Okay.

Speaker 1 Right? I don't know, Stop. I'm serious.
Don't you fucking... What are you? Now you're a Hosseid.
Now you're fucking... I don't know.
I haven't smelled their asses.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? I know that they're human beings and that. Well,

Speaker 1 it's not fair to judge an entire group. Yes, it is.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? I feel like they smell.

Speaker 1 You've never hit a train with a ripe Hosseid?

Speaker 1 I ran a train with a couple of them.

Speaker 1 And we all know where that train went.

Speaker 1 A different kind of shower. It is funny to imagine that the reason they smell bad is because they're like, I don't know about the shower, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's really. I don't know.
You know, right? Yeah, sure. Fool me once.
Sure, sure. Well, they didn't really fool them.
Fool me once. But yeah.
Fool on you.

Speaker 1 Fool me twice.

Speaker 1 So you would think you think there stands for you.

Speaker 1 Maybe just fool me one and a half times.

Speaker 1 Maybe, Maybe you'll fool me once. I fool you once.

Speaker 1 That seems better.

Speaker 1 Makes more sense.

Speaker 1 Add a dog, but it's a better deal.

Speaker 1 Fool me one and a half times.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 God damn. That's awesome.
I've never met anybody living a double life, I don't think. Really? I think you're sitting next to one right now.

Speaker 1 Nick? Yeah. Yeah, but we all know that.
That's true. I am a secret agent.
That's barely. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I work for the government.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's what you meant by that.
Testing out flavors of cock.

Speaker 1 You're a government cock. Yeah, you're at flavor tester.
Yes, sir.

Speaker 1 Anything for America. You're at Gitmo testing out the cock.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 there's a pheromone of a guilty man. You can sneak a dirty bomb in a cock.

Speaker 1 He's like the zero dark or not zero dark 30. Hurt locker

Speaker 1 bomb diffuser Diffuser of

Speaker 1 Dangerous Cock. He's got to suck it off to make sure it doesn't go off.

Speaker 1 Explosive ordnance disposal.

Speaker 1 Nice. You got to get rid of all that explosive ordnance.
That was a good-ass movie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hurt Locker was sick. I've never been a fan of Jeremy Renner's face.
Just never liked it. But he was great.
He kind of looks like Greta Thunberg. A little bit.
He looks like a pug, too.

Speaker 1 They both have that kind of pincushion face. Yeah, I know what you mean.
Yeah. Pincushion.
Like a big, like a little like.

Speaker 1 It's very round. It's very round, and it looks like you could put needles in it.

Speaker 1 It's fucked up that they tried to make him Jason Bourne. He can't.

Speaker 1 He doesn't have the fucking sauce. No way.

Speaker 1 He does not have the Matt Damon swag. They also made him the Oracle in the Matrix, which is weird.
Jeremy Renner. Yeah, after the first lady died, they just had Jeremy Renner.

Speaker 1 I missed that, I actually didn't realize it was that. You ain't the one, don't you know?

Speaker 1 That's it. Don't you know it.

Speaker 1 Milwaukee? No, no. Don't you know.

Speaker 1 Hear me. Hear me.
You ain't the one.

Speaker 1 Really? Because I saw that movie and I thought it was just a different black lady. But you're telling me that was a great actor.
That was Jeremy Renner in Blackface. Jeremy Renner.

Speaker 1 I appreciate his range.

Speaker 1 So, Matt, where can we find your album?

Speaker 2 It's on iTunes and Spotify.

Speaker 1 Go get that shit.

Speaker 1 It's on iPhone. Which one do you get the most for streaming? Napster, probably?

Speaker 2 Napster, yeah.

Speaker 1 Check it out on Napster.

Speaker 2 Or buying it would be the probably.

Speaker 1 Buy that shit.

Speaker 1 Buy it on iTunes. iTunes, yeah.
Buy it on iTunes. It's hot.
A very reasonable price. Yeah.
And what's called Cruising Bellevue, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, sucking dick at Bellevue. The Matt Abbott story.

Speaker 1 Wednesdays and Wednesdays at Bellevue. What I would do is I'd pin them down and just convince him that the rape was a fever dream from the Electroshock therapist.

Speaker 1 Right. That's smart.

Speaker 1 I would come in full clown makeup. I'd be like, this is fake.

Speaker 1 My penis would already be half hard.

Speaker 1 Nick, you ever think about popping in over at Bellevue, man? No. Isn't it still fucked? Bellevue is the one, which is the one that's like all like, looks like a haunted house.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's like a part of Bellevue, I think. There's an old building on like 3rd Avenue that was like, maybe it's...

Speaker 1 if you're naughty, they tend you it's decommissioned, but they just left it there, and it's like covered in weeds, and it's like an old institution.

Speaker 1 That's the if you're insane and goth, they'd send you there. Yeah,

Speaker 1 did you uh, did you ever get pussy off of one of them crazy girls you were there with? No, girl, interrupted,

Speaker 1 just Adam doing his plugs, yeah.

Speaker 2 I didn't, but there was a couple in there that was definitely uh uh fucking

Speaker 1 oh, wow, really? Yeah,

Speaker 2 or at least the guy told me he did.

Speaker 1 I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah

Speaker 1 but I can't can you trust him

Speaker 2 but she also said it

Speaker 2 oh interesting yeah she was

Speaker 2 she had like postpartum and she came into the room and we were doing a rap cipher

Speaker 1 that shit is if I had I'm sad because I had a baby and then she said

Speaker 1 I'm sad because I had a baby

Speaker 1 I don't get the attention I got a rapper dick when I was rapper dick. I needed to go to the white rapper dick.
I needed to go to the I don't know if the other guy was white. He was.
Oh, he was.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, that concludes this week.
You can check out Cruising Bellevue on NASA.

Speaker 1 Purchase it wherever. Thank you for power records.
Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming, Matt.
Always a pleasure. Yeah, good to see you.
Good to see you later. Bye.