Ep. 282 – I can show u my ass

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Oh, let's get ready to mumble.

Let's get ready to have sense.

Let's get ready to fuck that Jim Too's guy.

No, no, come on.

What?

No, come on, Tidge.

We don't need to put that on Jim again.

Why?

Cruising Joe.

We don't need a new

fresh round of people harassing.

show.

The return of Cruising Joe.

No, or Joe, for that matter.

That used to be the Joie du Viv of the show.

Joie de Vivre.

The cilantro of the show.

The cilantro.

What do you think?

You know what I think happened last time?

Positive.

You know what I think?

Remember how this did happen?

When the thing fucked up, yeah.

I think because so it's safe.

So I think the master level was zeroed out.

Even though the dial was up here, the shit was down here.

So, after 10 minutes of it not recording anything, it shuts off.

That's a little tech tip today.

A little tech tip.

Comtown episode 282.

And if you're wondering, hilarious.

282.

Somebody sent me some gay ass email that was like, yo, you got to fix the episode numbers because they're in my gay app that I use.

Guess what?

No, we don't.

No, we don't.

That sounds like a you problem.

But I'm happy to be here, boys.

I'm energized off this Gawad special I had for lunch.

Okay,

I love you.

We got the whole team on deck.

It's fall.

Honestly, when we thrive.

Yeah, because fall is good for all of us.

Not just on the show, but in my life.

In my life, yeah, in life.

Real talk, this show has not been funny in a year.

And the last bit that I had fun with personally was the Nightmare Before Christmas thing.

I liked saying movies like the Venus thing.

And

the Nightmare Before Christmas may have been May of last year.

I don't remember yet.

I don't remember that bit at all.

Where Jax Ellington goes in the woods and there's a tree beside his dick.

And it's getting your dick sucked before Christmas.

Getting your dicks up before Christmas.

And maybe

does he get your dick chopped off?

No, it sucks his dick, and then he gets...

It follows the plot of, okay, it's time for a.

I love you!

Bit, bit, rewind.

Bit rewind.

Bit rewind.

So, okay, so I was thinking, I was laughing the other day, thinking about, you know, Nightmare Before Christmas.

Okay.

Jack Skellington, he goes in the woods and he has all the trees with the holidays on it.

Yep.

So there's like that Easter egg one.

And I don't know if there's a Hanukkah one or not.

I don't think so.

There better be.

Well, that would be.

Can you imagine how much worse that would have been if Jack Skeleton was like, there's eight days and it celebrates.

And the fucking Holland people are like, why don't we just kill ourselves?

But we already have a vampire.

Hanukkah.

Yeah, that's right.

But we're already liars that have a vampire, Jack.

How is that different than Halloween?

We already have a movie producer that molests children.

Yeah.

That's one of the Halloween guys.

If you squint in the back of the movie, Mr.

Oogie Boogie is just Harvey Weinstein.

Ooh, my penis is filled with bugs, and it's got a zipper on it.

I haven't seen that movie in a while since.

I honestly don't really fully remember.

You know, I thought I didn't like Tim Burton.

And then I think about it, and there's a lot of Tim Burton movies I like.

I kind of just don't like

Tim Burton-style bitches.

I don't, yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Hell at a Bonham?

No, hot topic-style.

Yeah, the Adam-style women.

No, no, that's not even fair to call them that, because his type of bitch is a Hell of Bonham Carter.

No, I'm talking about

girls that like

fan girls.

That makes sense.

Yeah, they are some of the most.

Although, listen, I'll get my dick sucked with some black lipstick on.

No, it's not the aesthetic.

I have it on.

It's not the aesthetic.

It's the cultural participation in something.

Like people that go see Rocky Horror Pictures Show.

Yeah.

That kind of thing.

So Jax Gullington goes out in the woods.

Right.

And he sees the trees.

And there's one of them.

Yeah.

That, you know, it's a Christmas tree, the Easter egg.

What are some of the things?

There's a flag.

I don't remember.

I don't remember it.

Let's look it up.

Let's pull it up.

Just to give this bit a little.

I get that wrong.

Context to tree.

i get that there's a christmas tree but why would there be an easter tree of a kwanza tree because each tree represents a different holiday yeah but easter christmas the only one with a tree uh yeah but the tree is painted on the tree

why would other things have trees or chris this is saying a tree symbol was painted on the tree a christmas tree symbol yeah and then an easter egg too much that's meta okay so here you go here's the here's the ones they have so it's the holiday doors a nightmare before christmas there's the pumpkin one, which he comes from, the Easter egg, the Christmas tree, Valentine's Day.

This looks like birthday.

It's not a fucking holiday.

Yeah, well, I mean,

they didn't really think this through before.

Yeah, this isn't holding up the scrutiny at all.

We should go back to watching that video that Adam pulled up on his phone where Howard Stern does politically incorrect, but it's Beetlejuice.

Hello, Adam.

Slow Adam.

Gary the Retard.

Gary the Retard, and the guy from the KKK.

Yeah.

That's a really good episode.

That was a great episode.

Yeah.

Plus Bill Maher.

Plus Bill Maher, so five retards.

In my book.

God is ass.

Five.

What are you reading about?

So it's Valentine's Day, the heart tree.

There's St.

Patrick's Day, the four-leaf clover.

St.

Patrick's Day.

Easter egg.

Independence Day is the firecracker.

There's the jack-o'-lanterns.

It's the Thanksgiving turkey, and there's the Christmas tree.

Oh, so they don't have any.

It's weird because in the movie, he doesn't come out of the Halloween door.

He wanders into the forest.

So if he had gone into the Halloween door, he would have become himself.

They should have let Charlie Kaufman write Nightmare Before Christmas.

Yeah.

Where Jack Skellington becomes himself.

Yep.

And then it's still the Halloween town, but he's played by that tall, bald guy from Manhunter.

Oh, that actor.

That guy.

Yeah.

The baddie.

Something Toombs, isn't his name?

Tom Noonan.

Jim Tooms.

Tom Noonan.

Jim Toons.

It's not Jim Tobs.

He's like, yeah, I guess I just came from Halloween.

And Jaxie Ellen's like, Jim, is that you?

Jim, nice cock.

Nice penis.

Nice penis, Jimmy.

Nice penis, Billy.

This is sucking to fishing.

Oh, did you guys see that fucking video of that guy who's just doing this fucking gay ass impression of Robin Williams?

And people were like, this is unbelievable.

No, I didn't see that.

He has to play the...

And it's just this guy doing this fucking, like, schmalty-ass impression of Robin Williams.

And people were fucking sending it to his daughter.

Like, it's like, come on, man.

This fucking, it's just like, people are like, this is so good.

You have to see this.

Just some fucking theater kid doing over the top.

Like, over the Robin Williams was over the top, but it was like, he's him.

Yeah.

To pretend to do that kind of shit just looked like dog shit.

This guy, Jamie Costa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's listen to it.

I'm fucking gay.

Let's make fun of this guy.

It was fucking stupid looking, man.

When you're at night and you close your eyes and all kinds of images happen, and and it's really bizarre.

It's hard to believe that's actor Jamie Costa portraying the late, great Robin Williams.

The YouTube video, which has already garnered over a million views, chronicles when the Morgan mini-star found out his beloved friend John Belushi had died.

I told you I was with him.

I know.

John's not dead.

I was with him last night.

I don't know who you were.

I'm so sorry.

Fuck, this is terrible.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Keep playing.

Adams has a crush.

I don't even know if he's doing it yet.

I don't even know if he's going to be.

I'm the guy.

I haven't decided.

Sucker's dead.

Adam wants to fuck.

Wait, wait, this is funny.

He's finding out John Belushi's dead.

Adam and the gay guy.

Sitting in the tree.

F-U-C-K-G-A-Y.

No.

No one reacts to their friend dying.

If you told me Adam died, I've been like, come on.

I think I'm fucking

like, he died.

Damn.

That's true.

Yeah,

no one has reacted to that.

I have to fuck that.

But not like that.

I mean, this is just fucking horrible.

I can't even see the video, but yeah.

Well,

just take our word for it.

It's bad.

I better go over to his apartment and console his girlfriend.

Well, yeah, that's what you would do.

Yeah.

While making this face.

A slight smile, everyone.

A sleazy little smile with his eyes unfocused.

I hope that he's thinking of something sexual in the back of his head.

I hope his girlfriend's all right.

I'm going to go over there and check on him.

I've got like a big scroll with wax all over it, and some guy dressed up

in Victorian clothes.

I'm like, I'm sorry, but it says right here in his will.

Yeah.

In blood.

In blood.

The pussy shall be given.

Thou dibseth on thine pussy to the lord of my bits.

Jim Belushi

got married to John Belushi's girlfriend.

What?

Is that real?

No.

Yeah.

No, it's not real.

They're also brothers.

You guys aren't brothers.

Yeah.

Brothers in arms.

That was a stinky motherfucker.

There was

Robins fans were blown away with

you.

An overdose.

How about an underdose?

You don't do enough drugs.

You forget that you're gay.

You can't get your dick out to have gay sex.

It goes under.

It goes underneath your bones.

How about an overdose?

You don't do it.

You're over drugs.

Your dick goes underneath your bones.

How about a coma dose?

Over toast?

Over toast, bread on toast, toast on butter, butter, butter believe.

That's a fat black bitch right across the street.

Look at her.

You're missing her.

She's gone already.

I fucked her, by the way.

That fat black lady that walked by.

I think she works at the DM.

I wonder what that would be like.

Get on there.

I'm trying to get a new license.

A new license?

Cracker.

That's really good, dude.

Yeah, no, hold on.

You should play Brovin Williams.

I should.

Yeah, that's what upsets me the most.

This is fucking gay.

They got Jim Belusi.

John Dye.

John died.

I'm gay.

What's next?

Jolando Belushi?

That is such a good question.

Is Jolando Belushi next?

What's next?

He's like,

how you doing?

Willie, I'm here at Animal House.

Slick Top.

We all out here on the Black Top, couple of brothers.

Playing ball and animal, the real kind of Animal House.

Monkey House.

Okay, all right.

Robin, you're going a little too far with Monkey House.

Jolando Belushi.

Jolando Belushi.

What's next?

Whatever happened to Margarine?

That's awesome.

Yeah, that's a good question.

Now it's vegan.

Yeah.

I'm vegan Robin Williams.

It's me, Vegan Williams.

Vegan and Serena Williams.

Okay, there we go.

One of us is black and the other is

a bunch of fucking vegetables.

Vegan and Serena Williams.

Yeah, that's something.

It's a bunch of vegetables that talk like Robinhood.

A bunch of vegetables telling it's veggie tales.

Remember that when they tried to make the Bible even tales?

They're like, oh, two things kids ate, the Bible and vegetables.

That is true.

Let's pair them up.

What's next?

Being molested and getting your Halloween candy eaten by your fat mom?

Yeah.

Kids do hate that.

That's the next thing.

It's your fat father sticking sticking his dick in your pussy while he's eating all your halloween candy

that's what i think of when i think of veggie tails

well thank you very much for this uh self-tape um we're gonna keep you in mind for people are going it's garnered over a million views already why was it on the news what news show was it the come town impression of robin williams has got and people are sending it to his daughter no do not do that come on that's fucked up dude jim belushi's dead What if he was bread?

What if he was bread Belushi?

What if he was bread Belushi and you made a sandwich out of him?

And you sucked his cock.

His cock was a little baguette that you sucked.

And you sucked his.

You put your buddha instead of a baguette.

A French guy put his dick in the basket and rode the bicycle into a fat woman's ass.

He did that.

What if that was what was happening?

What if that happened in France?

And his name's Jolando Belushi.

Jolando, get your ass back in the house.

That's awesome, man.

Yeah, that video fucking pissed.

That guy was doing a horrific job.

Yeah.

Like, just a shitty impression people think is good acting.

Yeah.

Well, you know what's good acting?

Fucking Joe Pesci being old as shit and an Irishman.

Yeah.

And being like, it is what it is.

It is what it is.

But he's sad and he's executing a guy with those words.

With one tweeting, I'm at a loss for words of how extraordinary this is.

Jamie Costa encapsulates the essence of Robin Williams so perfectly that his fan footage for a proposed biopic is a clear sign that

anytime anyone on Twitter has a viral tweet that says this movie needs to happen, rest assured it is the gayest, worst idea for the DVD.

Oh man.

Do you remember that viral tweet that was like, okay, an update to Home Alone.

Now

fucking Kevin is old and he's living in the West Village with his husband Dan Lee.

You know, and the mom has been kidnapped and they're kidnapped at an old church.

And it's like, what the fuck is this idea?

It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah.

They did redo Home Alone and it looks like shit.

Yeah.

Well, the original one fucking sucks.

Original ones, you know, whatever.

I don't know.

I haven't seen it because I'm not a fucking baby, but I liked it when I was a kid.

Well, I didn't watch baby movies as a kid.

I watched Heat and fucking...

No.

Yeah.

No, you didn't.

Yes.

You watched even Airplane.

You watched gay or shit.

I watched Airplane and Heat.

I did watch Airplane as a little kid.

I used to watch Airplane like three or four times.

Yeah, I watched Airplane a lot, actually.

And you'd be like, damn, let's roll it back.

Play it again.

I used to love watching a VHS tape wind back.

And you'd like watch the last two hours of your life and how quickly it went back.

And you like, in reverse, you're like, I remember that.

I remember that.

I remember all this shit.

Do you guys have a rewinder?

That felt awesome.

No, I just used the VCR, but my grandparents had that.

You just hit the return.

No, no, no.

There's like a dedicated rewinder.

There's a thing, the separate thing that rewinds it.

It was fucking sick.

My grandpa.

Did it go faster?

Yeah, it went much faster.

My grandpa had one that looked like a 57 Chevy.

Yes.

It was like a car.

I didn't have that one.

We had a rewinder.

We had a regular one.

And Adam split.

Come on, man.

I see you about to hate on a rewinder.

You have to take my joy thinking about the rewinder.

No, if it went faster, that's cool.

It went much faster.

But you can't see everything in reverse.

That's the only thing.

It's not about that.

It's about that.

There we go.

Solid X, VHS, 1957 Red Chevy Cassette Rewinder.

That looks awesome.

It was literally looking like a $69.

Yeah.

It's worth every fucking penny, if you asked me.

That shit was cool.

Yeah, my grandpa also had a phone that looked like a boat.

That's cool.

That's awesome.

That's cool.

And things look like different things.

I want, yeah.

Yeah.

Like lips phones.

The duck phone from Jersey Shore.

That's pretty cool.

Quite an iconic phone.

Yeah.

Damn.

I might need to run that.

The burger phone from, I believe, Juno.

Didn't that bitch have a burger phone?

I don't remember.

I didn't see that movie.

Michael Sarah.

Oh, that was a pretty good movie.

I'm not interested in what women have to say.

That's a good point.

I believe Michael Sarah got pussy from Elliot Page.

Really?

Elliot.

Oh, yeah, Elliot is Juno.

I watched the

story of Junior.

Exactly.

Yo, that is a sick fucking phone.

And when it would ring, it would be like, beef!

Dude, that's about to get to steal your grandpa's swag.

That's awesome.

Actually, that would go good in here, dude.

I think this went the way of the yard sale.

Huh?

I think this went the way of the yard sale.

The tragic yard sale.

Although this is a nice, this is unrelated, but I like it.

That's a nice phone.

A little mahogany motherfucker.

Yeah.

A little cherrywood phone.

Cherrywood.

You're listening to the phone podcast.

I do want.

Yeah, you got a landline.

I want a landline, too.

It's a nice look.

Yeah.

Landline's great.

I'll call my grandma on that.

That's awesome.

She doesn't know who I am.

We're inside, you fucking bitch.

I see you.

Don't try to trace this number.

We've got our sniper trained on you right now.

I've got to keep you on the line for 30 seconds so I can trace your location.

We've trained his penis.

Here it is.

Idiot.

You're supposed to

trace the phone call.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

We had him on the phone, but we had him and you lost him.

And you used it to trace his penis?

I'm sorry.

I thought you said you wanted me to trace his penis.

How did you even see his penis?

That's part of my job.

I'm a penis tracer.

I was guessing.

If you wanted a phone tracer, well, why are you wearing headphones?

I just like them.

I like listening to music while I look a cock.

I was listening to Beethoven.

Just drawing a penis, shading it.

Like, wait, what are you doing?

He's like, my job.

Well, I'm finishing the job.

Here it is, sir.

We traced his penis.

It's pretty big.

It's bigger than you'd think.

You idiot.

This is the 17th time this has happened.

I don't understand.

Are we going to get our son back?

Unfortunately, he's probably already dead.

But here's what the guy is.

Considering the size of this penis, I mean, look at this thing.

Imagine us going into an eight-year-old.

This thing's rammed your son's ass to smithereens.

Well, to be fair, sir.

It's not the, it's the scale.

It's several times larger than it would be.

I just wanted to show the detail work, should we find him?

Oh, so

he's got a chance.

I'm sorry, Mrs.

McGonagall.

We have great news.

Your son is alive, but probably just violently raped.

Just regular, gaily raped.

He's been raped for sure, but he's alive.

Oh, thank God.

Ah, fuck.

He's calling again.

I'll get my pencil.

No,

I'll get my pencil out.

For the last time, no.

I wait, my art supplies are already back in the van.

In my penis-shaped van that says the penis tracer.

Call now on the side.

My giant novelty penis van that the whole front end is made out of rubber and it bounces around hitting other cars.

And there's dog ears on it.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

What else?

I had something else I wanted to talk about.

Oh, Adam, how do you feel about your beloved Las Vegas Raiders and the racism of

the head coach?

The way I feel about the racism, I look at it negatively.

Okay.

The way I feel about the team's bounce back from the racism, our resolve, fantastic.

Did you see the shit he was saying?

Ebony and Ivory coming together as one

beneath the banner of the silver and black.

Can't get enough.

He just calls Goodell a faggot, right?

He said he's a no football, no football.

He called him a pussy and a faggot, I believe.

And I think they were, I think they were just like,

I don't know how they got nudes of some of the cheerleaders, but

guess what time it is?

What time?

We got a special news update from Adam.

Who wants to tell you about how you can save 20%

off at

fuckleys?

Fuckleys.com.

At bluechew.com.

Well, it's more than get your fucking shine box.

He called him a faggot and a clueless anti-football.

For our fans around the world, we're talking about hold on real quick.

I coached the Las Vegas Raiders, John Groot.

And then he said that Goodell should not have pressured Jeff Fisher to draft queers.

Oh, Michael Sam?

Michael Sam, yeah.

I forgot about that guy.

But the Raiders have a gay guy on their team now, Carl Nassip.

That's right.

So

there you go.

So that's interesting.

So anyway,

this is the Nick.

This copy seems...

Okay.

We'll just use this one.

Nick is in the bathroom now.

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Stop, do they ask to see your penis when you went?

They did ask to see my.

They actually, I had to put my penis in one of those pneumatic tubes.

Yeah.

And the doctor smelled like a...

The doctor was like, oh.

And the doctor was smelling the air.

Oh.

What do you mean?

That's what Dozen knows you mean.

He said, oh.

Oh, because it's cute.

Yeah.

Well, no, my dick didn't go through it.

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Thank you so much.

So much, you fucking Nick Pill Company.

Thank you so much.

So we also want to thank everyone, the whole team wants to thank everyone that comes to see me live.

I'd like to thank each of them individually.

So this weekend, I'm going to be in Madison, Wisconsin.

Eric Albertson.

Quiet down.

Thank you for coming

down

during my plugs.

James Costa, the Impressionist from the Robin Williams.

Thank you for being Stavb's number one fan.

He's my number one fan.

So I'm going to be in Madison, Wisconsin this weekend.

And then the weekend after that, I'm in Detroit and Columbus.

And then I do the

New York Comedy Festival at Gotham.

I'm going to be

on that's November 10th.

Get your tickets.

Those are going fast.

That's the one stop of the Prince of Pleasure tour in New York City.

And then we got New Orleans that weekend, the 13th.

And then I'm in Tampa after that.

And then Boston after that.

And also, so please come out and see me.

I'm going to be announcing dates for 2022 soon.

We got the calendar coming soon, the 2022 calendar.

And also, if you're a basketball fan, it's basketball season.

I do a basketball pod with Sam Morrell called Pod Don't Lie.

Go ahead and fucking dip your little nuts in that.

We're doing our big season previews this week.

We did the Eastern Conference last week, and we're doing the Western Conference later today, actually.

So go check that out, Pod Don't Lie.

So a couple more facts about Jamie Costa.

Let's hear it.

He was born in Charleston, South south carolina he's five foot six oh he's taller he's shorter than us uh his parents are named milton and beth costa wow bet you didn't know that guys beth cost a hundred dollars to fuck her pussy yeah that's right any other details about jamie costa this colin powell shit is so funny

the oh yeah

they said that it was the cancer nick it was the cancer that weakened his immune system so so what's the point of getting the vaccine once james well i mean he's a fucking oldest shit It helps me.

Yeah, but isn't that what the vaccine is to protect people that are like vulnerable?

It fucking helps people not die, motherfuckers.

But he died.

Okay, he fucking died.

Fine.

An old guy with cancer who got it died.

But that's who the vaccine is supposed to protect?

No, it's supposed to make it so that most people don't fucking end up.

But most people don't die from COVID.

It affects old people and people that are immunocompromised.

A lot of people go to the fucking hospital and you just fucking don't.

Like, I'm not scared of being in the fucking getting in the hospital now if I get get it.

Yeah.

Well, I'm badass.

I'm just bad of asthma.

I think it's badass that he died because I was always against the Iraq war.

And

I heard Colin Powell died, and the first thing I said was, Fricky, fuck yes.

Frick, fuck yes.

Because

now he's in hell with Henry Kissinger.

Nah, Henry Hitler.

What?

Henry's still alive.

What?

Oh, he was Costa was apparently in Jurassic World Exodus.

Well, okay.

Okay, so he's a big shot actor.

He's a big hot shot actor.

He wasn't just some guy making a video.

Oh, he's done

his first.

He became widely known for capturing the likeness and spirit of Robin Williams, who had died earlier that year.

So this is his second go.

So he just did impressions of Robin Williams doing impressions.

He's also done some television work.

He was on Caught on Camera with Nick Cannon.

Season two, episode three, if you guys want to check that out.

That sounds awesome.

Anyway, what else is in the news?

Colin Powell's dead.

Yep.

Because the vaccine didn't work for him.

We'll say it that way.

For him, the vaccine

asshole.

But no, but I mean,

the vaccine did not prevent him from dying of COVID.

So people shouldn't get vaccinated.

I did not say that.

I'm just saying.

Well, that's what you're fucking implying.

I'm not implying anything.

I'm just saying for some people, like Colin Powell, the vaccine does nothing.

Yeah.

Certain people, members of society.

If you're old and you have pre-existing conditions, there's a possibility that the vaccine will do nothing.

Yes, there is a possibility that it might not work.

There's also a possibility that you're gay.

That's true.

That is, there is a possibility.

And you could say it's a small possibility, but you would also say it's a small possibility that, you know, you'd say that Colin Powell is sort of an anomaly, right?

I guess, dude.

What is this big fucking vaccine debate club?

I'll get somewhere with this.

So you'd say that's an anomaly.

That's a rarity.

Go ahead.

Yes.

And you'd say, and you already admit that there is a possibility that you're gay.

Yes, I admit that.

Would you say that there are similar odds?

Yes.

So ipso facto

Colin Powell dying.

Let's hear him out.

A small percentage, the same probability as Stav being gay proves Stav estimates is the same probability, but I don't think it's similar.

Is gay.

I don't think it proves similar.

Because it's the same odds, and everybody knows numbers hit on the same day.

That's not how it works.

It's probably too.

Nick plays the numbers all the time.

I play the numbers all the time.

They call me the Scratch Off King.

That is what they call it.

He loves playing the numbers.

He loves playing with a guy's penis.

I love playing the ponies.

The ponies cocks.

Colin Powell.

This Colin Powell impression by some some gay drama kid is

the internet going on.

It's when he found out that Jim Belushi is dead.

But I just had gay sex.

You just sucked his car.

I just got fucking COVID from him by sucking his dick.

Here's another question I want to know about.

We know it spreads airborne-wise, but is it possible to get COVID from gay sex?

I think it literally is.

There was an outbreak in

Fry Island or or some shit.

Shanfire Island.

And why the fuck aren't we talking about that?

Because it's homophobic to bring that up.

Well, because gay men,

if they don't drink a little bit of cum every once in a while, they'll go crazy.

They go crazy.

So they have to drink.

It's like a Dracula.

Exactly.

Right.

Where they don't.

They can only sustain on their own cum for so long.

But if you've seen the movie Twilight, the good Draculas, they only suck animals' bloods.

So the good gay guys only suck animals

and shit like that.

So they don't have to hunt down.

They don't have to hunt down straight men, you know?

Yeah.

They don't have to hunt down.

Exactly.

They don't have to hunt down innocent straight men.

Yeah, like remember an interview with a vampire where fucking Lagrange or whatever the fuck his name is is drinking rats and he's weak because he needs some good human

shit.

Damn, I got a hankering for some barbecue.

When we're up at the cabin, we got to find a little barbecue, like a woodland barbecue place.

You think they got that?

No, probably not.

That won't happen.

We're just going to do cocaine and play Catan again.

I'm not doing cocaine this time.

Brother.

I'm not.

We'll see.

I'm not.

I'm too fat for cocaine.

No.

I broke my either be fat or do cocaine rule last time.

I think that's a good rule.

I think I use this mRNA technology to make people immune to the...

harms of cocaine.

Yeah.

That, that would be.

They're talking about using this shit to cure cancer.

Fuck that.

You got to die at some point.

Yep.

What they need to do is create mRNA vaccines that make it so that you can just blast fentanyl directly into your frontal lobe.

Yeah.

Just jam it in there.

Not only that, but just also mRNRA vaccines that you can just be like fully fucking transitioned in like an hour.

That'd be awesome.

To a different gender?

Yeah, and then come back, you know.

Oh, you can come back.

I'd love to play.

I'd love

a little breakfast at Tiffany.

A little C, but what if you get stuck?

Breakfast as Tiffany's.

Breakfast as Tiffany's.

Where you guys, you guys both become girls, and I become the Chinese neighbor.

We're all juiced up.

And we're like, all right, Nick, time to take the antidote.

And you know, she's go right.

You're like, me no, Reichy.

And then we go to the doctor's office.

He's like, oh, he didn't take the first pill.

Yeah, he's just

that's just him.

Oh, Mr.

Galridri.

Yeah, I'm analog, motherfucker.

I don't need no damn

vaccine.

I got natural immunity to not being Chinese.

I do think it'd be cool to be someone that transitions.

I would be transitioning.

I would be able to end my life if I can trick a local news station somewhere in this country into having me on as somebody with long COVID symptoms.

And I show up for the interview and I got my fucking eyes taped back.

Or something.

Just get a little bit in there.

A little like,

I thought I did know

after, you know, I was sick.

But you could start talking Chinese like you have Tourette's.

Yes.

You could be talking regular, and then you're like, dong bang dong, you know, and then you're like, oh, sorry.

It's part of the COVID.

Yeah.

I think some woman already did that.

Because women pretend.

I also don't know what it is.

No, we're always tending.

Is long COVID real?

No, it's only.

Because instinctually I was like, this is just real.

It's not real.

Women say that they have COVID for a year after they got COVID.

Really?

They're like,

it won't go away.

It's one of those diseases women need where they need a blanket.

They need a fainting couch.

Yeah.

Like, what was the one you said before?

Something myalgia?

Fibromyalgia, yeah.

What is that?

It's fake.

Another woman disease.

It's fake.

It's like chronic fatigue center movements.

There are only a couple real diseases.

Erectile dysfunction.

Erectile dysfunction.

Being bald.

Black acne.

And male pattern baldness.

Male pattern baldness.

Yeah, black lungs.

a heart attack.

Heart disease.

Back acne.

Acne.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Beating your wife.

Yeah.

Getting angry.

CTE.

Yep.

CTE is definitely in there.

Yeah, imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome.

Yep.

The fellas' diseases.

You know.

For the boys.

Being bisexual.

Yeah.

That's.

I don't think

that's

a disease.

Pick one or the other.

Pick a side.

That's what I always say.

And then they're doing boosters for all of them now.

Did that happen?

Ooh, we got the Moderna booster on deck?

I think so.

I don't know.

I can't.

First of all, they either need to get rid of the FDA or the CDC.

But there's one.

And NIH.

That could all be one thing.

I agree.

That's too many fucking little ones.

Well, FDA is like, you got Fauci, and then you got this other bitch, Joanne Jelonski, or whatever.

She's sharing you bitch on deck?

The CDC bitch that came in with Biden.

What's her name?

She always looks, she looks like she's learning how to read every time.

I have no idea.

Janine.

Bro, once I got the fucking vax, I stopped paying all goddamn attention.

Yeah, I mean, I only read Chinese state media, so I don't really, I kind of get sort of a.

But I'll get that third boost up.

I love that one guy that dunks on America.

Chen Weiwei.

Chen Weiwei.

Calls women like a bitch and stuff.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Like, that's cool.

Lifetime bitch.

That's what he said.

Lifetime bitch.

Yeah, let me get that fucking boosterino and let me, you know.

I don't know.

I'm not going to live my life any different.

I'm still, I've been on the road this whole damn time.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'll tell you which one doesn't need a booster.

Sinofarm.

What's Sinofarm?

The Chinese vaccine.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they made the virus.

They made the vaccine.

I'm the same when you mix and match.

Look at my shit.

Look at my TV.

What does it say on the front?

Sony.

Okay, now look at the amp.

What does it say?

Sony.

Look at the speaker.

What does it say?

It's all Sony, brother.

That's right.

He's a company man.

I'm a company.

How do we get sinophores?

You can stay on brand.

You got to go out there.

Well, what you do is you DM Chen Weiwa and you say, bro, love your shit.

Yeah, I also think that woman's a bitch.

Can I please...

Can I get a little fucking signopharmed?

And you hook it up, and then you take a secret little trip.

Secret little trip to fucking Beijing.

I would love to go to China.

Yeah.

Oh, you can't go.

I know.

They won't have me.

You just got to register as a foreign agent with the State Department, and then you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Can you travel right now to China and shit?

Yeah, if you're a fucking intelligence asset.

I am, dude.

Not like me.

I'm very intelligent.

Yeah.

I'm going over there to try the different types of Chinese pussy and catalog it.

I think that's what I'm going to do after the show.

Be a spook.

Yeah.

Spook.

Do you have law enforcement for

the mossad?

No, no.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

You can go in there.

You get in there easy.

Then you get to food your door.

No, no.

Once you're mossad, you can transfer over to CIA.

I just don't want to hang out with those people, you know?

That's true.

They are fucking annoying.

They're annoying.

Here we go.

The wealthiest 10% of Americans own a record, 89% of all U.S.

stocks.

It's so funny that, like, all like for the rest of your life, you're just going to hear about how rich rich people are.

Yeah.

And nothing's going to be done about it.

Yeah.

That's just, it's, people just sort of suspend it.

Is there a way to steal steal a little bit from them?

A new study says rich people are bad.

And you're like, yeah, they are bad.

That's good for me, not being the bad.

You know who we should fucking find?

Because Bezos' ex-wife married some regular teacher.

Did she?

Oh, yeah.

You don't know this?

She already?

She ready?

Yeah, some guy got the fucking bag off Jeffrey.

Salute to him.

Jeffrey, the

giraffe from Toys Real?

No, Jeffrey Bezos.

He did what?

Oh, they got divorced.

They got divorced and she married like just a regular teacher.

She just got married like that already?

Yeah, dude.

So what I'm saying is,

what I'm saying is this guy's new to having half a billion or whatever.

He's in his elementary school teacher.

Huh?

Is it a teacher?

I think he's a teacher of some school.

What's in school?

Just some regular motherfucker.

Just a regular guy.

I mean, like an ancient, like

a Chinese master.

Not like a

Zen.

A moti child.

No, no, no.

Not like the guy from Kill Bill with the long white goatee.

Are you sure?

I think so.

Could he be slowly sliding a sword into her pussy?

Oh, he's also bald.

He's also.

Yeah, what do you say?

Like, Stop, you're really fucked up, man.

Yeah, no, you could have been shit up.

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

Yeah, McKenzie.

McKenzie is hot.

Mackenzie Bezos.

McKenzie looks good.

I guess, does she have a unique thing?

If I type in Jeff Bezos, my phone just shows me the amount of money he's worth.

I didn't type in anything else.

That's the top of the phone.

It just says $131 billion.

Dan Jewett, he seems like a good guy, honestly.

Dan Jewish.

Dan Jewish.

Yeah, dude.

Just some regular fucking guy.

How'd they meet?

I don't know.

Hopefully, he was.

Her children go to the school.

Wow.

Wow.

Dan.

He's teaching your kids and fucking your bitch, Jeff.

Oh, my God.

You're going to let that happen, Jeff.

So, anyway, my point is we could probably rob him because he's new to being rich.

What the fuck is wrong with his face?

Does he have Bell's palsy?

He's got a weird eye thing, and I think he's getting like fillers.

Who pays us?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What are fillers?

Like,

what are you fellas doing down there?

Fillers of the store.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Why are these fellers hanging out and laundering in front of the store?

We should call the police on them.

You fill up his ass with those type of guys.

Look how ugly they both used to be.

Yeah, I mean, McKenzie could still get it in a certain light.

I love McKenzie, dude.

McKenzie.

She's tough looking, but Jeff was surreal.

Doing a little nightmare dance.

Yeah.

She got fixed.

She got her shit fixed up, though.

She got all that shit fixed.

I can't wait to get my face fixed.

What are you going to do?

Cheekbook.

I'm going to have

all the skin removed here, so I'm just like a skeleton.

And then you sharpen all my teeth.

That's awesome.

And then a metal jaw, like apocalypse.

That's fucking sick, dude.

I'm going to get the fucking Kumail Nanjiani jaw.

Yeah, me too.

No, I'm doing it.

No, but I'm also.

You don't have the heft, the personal heft, to pull it off.

Yeah, but wouldn't it be funny on my body to see that big of a jaw?

Now you Google X-Men Apocalypse, all this gay shit from the movies.

Yeah.

And so here we go.

The classic.

Classic blue lip guy.

I was like, I'm going to fucking do it.

Yo, the new fucking Batman trailer.

Did you see that shit?

With the Pattinson?

It actually looks pretty good.

I'm sure it's good, dude.

I'm hyped on it.

I'm back in, dude.

I'm a Pattinson fan.

Oh, yeah.

I like him.

Yeah, he's a strange bloke.

IGN, X-Men filmmakers explain apocalypse and his powers.

Imagine reading an article like that.

Yeah.

Like, this is.

Apocalypse is just like super strong and big as shit, right?

Who cares?

Yeah.

He's got blue lips.

We look the same.

Yeah, you guys look exactly the same.

What a cool voice.

I'm going to get my eyeball.

My cornea is injected with red shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, red ass iron.

I already got black fucking irises.

You do.

So that would be cool.

Yeah, you could look like the guy from

Limbiscuit.

West Borland.

West Borland.

Dude, that'd be sick if you look like that.

Yeah.

Just one of those dicks.

Should I get lip fillers?

Just have my, you know, my lips even bigger.

Yeah, I'm just thinking what your face needs.

Your eyes, when you take your glasses off, are horrible.

Why you say it so you are disgusting?

There's something weird when your eyes come off.

Because your glass come off and you just...

It's like Mole Man, where your eyes are so little.

Well, okay.

For listeners at home.

I've done West Borland's Twitter.

It handles Ghost Insane 3.

That's not really good.

And he's got seven followers.

That's something.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

He's like, it's me, guys.

I swear to God, it's me.

You need some for your underneath your eyes, is what I was going to say.

What do you mean?

No, but I think girls like a guy with like uh deep set eyes no no no no i think they do i think they do i think it makes them look uh like uh

uh mysterious i i think when you're i think that's what girls your glasses come off you look fucked up at least when you're tired

yeah it really looks when i'm sleeping i don't know man something about it just gives me the heebie jeebies come on

i'm being honest with you carried away dude something

fattish

okay wow looks like we struck a nerve, huh?

Pull them off again.

Let's see the eyes without the glasses.

No, come on.

Let's pull them off.

Pull them off.

No, we're not.

I'll give a fair reaction.

Ah!

I mean,

it is bad, dude.

You're mine.

I'm not saying you're a bad-looking guy.

You're a cute guy with your glasses on.

I'm self-conscious.

Because they're all dark.

Dang, self-consciousness.

There are dark circles around your whole.

It's not even under your eyes.

It's around your entire eyes.

You look like you're in pain.

They're not deep set.

You look like you're in pain.

I look like I'm.

Honestly, you look like

I have lover's eyes.

No, you look like you don't.

You look like Michael Keaton Beetlejuice.

Yeah.

People love Michael Keaton.

I'm being honest with you.

Hey, it's me, Adam.

I'm a fucking.

What's wrong with it?

I think I look kind of nice.

I'm a podcast.

No,

it's not nice.

You're something fucked up.

I think I look kind of nice.

It's showtime.

I don't think you look nice.

You look great with the glasses on.

Thank you.

You said great?

Fine.

I'm just trying to.

That's nice.

That's really nice.

You look okay with the glasses on.

Why'd you

backtrack?

I will be honest, there's something where I'm like, why does it fucking piss, like, something pisses me off when you take your glasses off?

Yeah, why?

Because that's how it looks when people that you know with glasses on aren't wearing glasses.

That's like a natural phenomenon.

That's not how I look at all.

What do you mean?

Do I look different with my glasses off, Nick?

You look more Chinese.

You look the same.

You look more Chinese.

Okay.

I look relatively cheap.

Someone's feelings are hurt right now.

And that was not my intention, Adam.

I was just telling you, you're ugly as fuck with your glasses off.

And I think that's a good idea.

Well, that just means that for real, ugly as fuck.

Huh?

That just means like you're for real, ugly as fuck.

You have to wear a mask.

Well, we're talking about what do we want to do with plastic surgery.

And I said something with your fucked up eyes.

What do we got here?

Gina Davis.

Whose breasts are these?

Gina Davis.

Gina Davis' breasts.

Oh, and her pussy, too.

Nice.

This is your pussy.

All right, man.

I'm sorry, Adam.

Whoa, now what should I do?

I don't have to apologize.

I'm going to blast blue surgery.

I've got 300.

Okay, wow.

This is clearly that I've hurt your feelings because you've never gone at me five times in a row with a fat jacket.

Five times in a row.

What do you mean, fat?

It was literally.

I'm sorry, three.

Two.

Two.

At least three.

We'll rewind the tape.

And by the way,

I think you look good.

Thanks, dude.

I think you look good, fat as shit.

Okay, four.

There we go.

I said you look good, disgustingly fat as shit.

Revoltingly fat as shit.

Wow.

I think that looks revolting.

I'm being honest with you, right?

I'm being a good friend and letting you know your shortcomings so you can work on it.

Letting me know

in front of our friends

that are listening to the show.

We're round back on.

Oh, my God.

Those are incredible.

I Googled.

Gina Davis News.

I mean, those shit.

This takes me.

No, we're not showing you.

Mimi Rogers has

one of the nicest pairs of all time.

Oh, it's almost time for Adam to do his job.

Oh, it is.

Adam?

Yeah.

Why don't you talk about Ridge Wallet for a little bit?

Ridge Wallet has asked me.

How about Midge Wallet, and it's for whores.

Okay, or Midgets.

I said that.

I thought you were going to say small people.

Midge.

How are you doing, Midge?

Hey, Midge.

Hey, Midge.

I'd love to fuck a lady.

Why don't you get me here and give me a widge on my Smithsonian?

Which Midge short for?

What do you call it?

Margaret.

Margaret.

Really?

Yeah, Maggie.

Marge, Maggie, but Midge?

Margaret is for all the...

Margaret has the best.

A bitch named Margaret always has the best.

There's no

steady, easy horse.

Take a Margaret to a diner.

Call her Peggy, Midge.

Well, I don't know about Peg.

Peg, Peggy.

Peggy's short for Margaret.

What?

Yeah.

How?

I don't know.

Where's the P?

That's crazy.

I know.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Say that Dick is short for Richard.

Wouldn't it make sense for it to be like Pamela or something like that?

Peg is short for Margaret.

How?

Because I think it's some Irish bullshit.

Richard and Dick,

the CH?

No.

Pam is.

What?

Peg is Margaret?

Margaret.

Interesting.

I mean, Midge, Marge, Maggie, Mags.

I'm not seeing it in the stats.

You can even go Mary if you wanted to, and Margaret if you wanted to.

Adam, you better fucking get on your TV.

Get on your dick?

Is

Pam, or what is it, Kim?

Peg?

Short

for Margaret.

For Elizabeth?

Yeah, Peggy is a female first name, often carteled to Peg, derived from Maggie, a diminutive version of the name Margaret.

Maggie.

I like Maggie.

That's cute.

Margaret de Maggie.

Yeah, Maggie, Maggie.

They're all Margaret.

Margaret, Margarita.

Margarita, Peggy.

That's a bitch you take to a motel

and kill yourself in the motel.

She holds your sleeves.

While she's trying to figure out...

she's trying to figure out how to use the ice machine, you fucking put a gun in your mouth.

She can't get home because she doesn't know how to drive stick.

Okay.

Interesting.

Huh.

So, okay, Maggie, Madge, Daisy, for some reason.

I don't know how you got.

That's what I mean, dude.

They're Margie, Marjorie, Meg, Megan.

They got all the good stuff.

Gretchen?

What the fuck?

Weekend with a bitch.

Margaret goes to Gretchen.

Rita?

Drunken weekend with a bitch.

That's true.

That's awesome.

That might be the best nickname name of all.

Yeah.

I don't know what else beats it.

I mean, you would think Richard because of Dick and Ricky.

So in 2013, father and son team Daniel and Paul Kane launched the Ridge wallet on Kickstarter.

And now it sits in the front pockets of over a million men and women worldwide.

The two have

since.

You know what?

What?

You're really good at your job.

Seriously.

I'm talking about it.

You're doing a great job.

Thanks.

Thanks.

And I have to praise you.

I'm not going to compliment ourselves.

Well, you know, you're fucking in your feelings.

I said your eyes are fucked up.

You got shitty eyes in my head.

I've been taking it out on everybody else.

And I want to say.

The two have since recruited.

And maybe I went a step too far, so I want to overcorrect.

You're saying that was disgusting.

The first time in his life, he's taken too many steps.

Okay, I've taken a lot.

I used to be the 20,000-step bastard.

Thank you very much.

The two have since recruited a small close-knit team to execute on their vision of creating quality functional projects.

Products.

Sorry.

At Ridge Wallet, they prefer to do more with less.

It's not just a remark on resourcefulness.

It's a call to maximize your life by minimizing what you bring along.

Because you don't need everything and be prepared for anything.

They're streamlining daily life through quality products and redefining the energy,

everyday essentials.

That's awesome.

Like wallets, backpacks, and chargers with minimalist designs that don't sacrifice the function.

By eliminating access and building to performance grade, they turn the items you carry into tools for better living.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's really impressive, actually.

So,

yeah, we love ours.

We love the rich, and they don't have just wallets, they got bags.

Nick, what's the promo code?

It's Come Town or Come Town 20.

It's Come Town or Come Town 20.

It's Come Town or Come Town 20.

Fuck you.

I think it's Come Town, but I, you know, try either way.

I think Ridge might actually not have a promo code.

Well, either way.

They just want us to advertise their shit, which, you know, I fuck with it.

We're fans of the product.

These are products that we use every day.

Oh, you know what?

There was.

Because remember, we went there.

We did this.

We did this before.

Yeah, it's Come Town, I think.

It's Come Town.

So if you put in the promo code Cometown or Come Town 20,

I think it's Come Town.

You'll get 20% off, probably.

Yeah.

Or something.

And they have great products.

The fucking bag.

Why don't you tell us how good the duffel bag is, Nick?

I don't know.

I haven't used it.

Oh, you don't know.

Oh, it's just sitting in a closet.

It's not sitting in a closet.

I told you I had a use for it.

What?

Some stuff is in it?

Let's just say it's buried somewhere.

What do you keep inside?

Well, I'm sure the duffel bag is good, and I wish I could give you guys some of that.

I got a lot of plans in this world that you don't need to know about.

You're better off.

But somebody needed two bags, one of which he doesn't even really use.

One of them will one day save your life.

We'll see about that.

Or avenge it.

Whoa, I don't want it.

Or avenge.

I don't want it to be avenged.

What do you have?

I don't want to die.

I'm not saying anymore.

The duffel bag has a use.

Really?

Because last time I said this, you said you gave it to a homeless guy.

So it seems like you're full of dog shit, actually.

I'm filled with my own shit.

made out of human food.

Thank you.

Well, folks, that's that.

And go to RichmondridgeWallet.com.

They got a great line of products.

They have not.

I'm sorry, I still don't understand here.

What is the premise?

That you should, you should have a bag.

I got the small bag.

I got the small bag.

You two got big-size bags.

You got the small bag, but you also got the knife.

You got fucking the two phones.

You got a lot of tools.

You got all the other shit.

You got a lot of tools.

Because you missed one pocket the bag is the same fucking size it's not the same size it's a much bigger bag it's not it's a much bigger bag with a lot more fucking use it's not a much bigger no it's got thank you adam i put my laptop in the bag that i got i use it and then you get to do more stuff i was also there mine only takes a laptop i was there at the beginning of the ridge wallet saga and you also got a good the gold wall wallet for yourself you didn't want the gold wallet well you what but you wanted it i know and i saw you were like ah you only want something because I have it.

No, I don't want it.

I'm just saying you got premium stuff.

Okay.

Okay, you're right.

That's a good point.

I had no use for the gold thing.

That is pretty useful.

So I said, here you go, Nick.

Have the gold thing.

You have no use for a duffel bag.

The duffel bag.

I have plenty of use for a duffel bag.

The duffel bag holds all of the merchandise that is part of it.

We gave away all the merchandise.

No,

there's a shit ton of wallets in that fucking bag.

How about this?

I'll take them both.

I'll take them all.

Nick gives it away.

Actually, honestly,

I I was about to donate the duffel bag, anyways,

and I think I'm going to give it to Adam.

And this is the best part.

This is the best part.

I've made it clear I want the duffel bag.

I know, but his eyes, you remember, I thought for months I've been talking about how I want this duffel bag.

Well, you wet

the duffel bag.

It's empty.

I will give you that.

That's true.

It does match his weird eyes.

The sad thing is, is that I got my eyes from my mother, who okay, all right.

Can I do this?

Can I just say

that?

Can I just say

you reminded me of the love of my life?

I told you.

You reminded me of my first love.

Wow.

The second Adam's mom's diagnosed.

I said, he's going to use this to get that duffel back

in the future.

Three years ago.

I said, he's going to.

I already know it.

You're going to flimp this.

And the thing is, he just started this.

His initial thing was just to call me disgustingly fat seven times.

And now, and now it was seven.

It was seven.

I said, and now

it finally dawned on him to guilt me because he knows how to really get to it.

I said, I think Adam said, Adam said, Adam's publicly saying, I'm so sad.

And I said, look, watch that.

He is at home ecstatic about this diagnosis because he knows what it means.

You were already going to give him the duffel bag.

You were in this scenario.

You just said you were going to give it to him.

Because of his eyes.

It's fine, dude.

Yeah.

You know?

I've made it clear the duffel bag would mean a lot, but that's okay.

I wasn't making fat jokes at you.

Yes, you were.

I said, I like that you are revoltingly fat.

Okay, there it is.

You're revoltingly poor.

There it is again.

And by the way, your mom

was a lot cuter than you think she was.

John revolting.

And her eyes were a lot better.

Her eyes were a lot better.

And it's kind of fucked up of you to bring her into this with your fucked up eyes.

Well,

it's fucked up for you to remind me.

Rest in peace to an angel, but your eyes are fucked up.

All right.

So go to ridgewallet.com and use promo code COMETOWN.

And we'd like to apologize to the Ridge Wallet Corporation for arguing during their hat reading.

This show is about friendship.

It's not about owning.

But you know what?

Sometimes friends have healthy

are honest with each other and other friends lash out.

So that's kind of a natural thing.

I would never lash.

I would never lash.

I've never lashed a day in my life.

Oh, fuck.

If you remember, when the Jews were slaves in Egypt, we were lashed by the taskmasters.

That is true.

I'm the one who's not.

I would love that, dude.

To just be like some kind of giant god with a jackal head whipping a bunch of Jewish people.

I don't think it was the gods doing it to us.

Do you think they had, yeah?

They had 12 foot gods.

So you think it was like

Christian Jewish gods?

I'm all two-dimensional with a whip

until they make my fucking triangle house.

Make that fucking triangle big.

That would be sick if it was.

I want a big-ass triangle to live in.

If it was like Abrahamic god versus fucking like the Egyptian gods.

What are some of their names?

I think that there was Toth.

Yeah.

Isn't that one of them?

Ra, Osiris, Ra.

Ra.

Yeah.

Isis was one.

Isis.

Yeah.

Osiris was skater.

Skater, so the one, the one, the god of shredding.

The god of big ass

shoes.

Morpheus.

Morpheus.

Morpheus.

Cypher.

Tank.

Yeah, Joey Pantliano.

Yeah, Joe Pantaleon.

Trinity.

Trinity.

Joey Pants.

Neo.

Whoever that dyke was.

The Oracle.

The Dyke that only says not like this.

Not like this.

And then she dies.

Will Smith's wife.

Welcome to the bus.

Jana Pinkett.

Bianvenito Amiyami.

Dude,

I had Willenium.

I had the CD.

It was a great CD, dude.

Oh, come on, dude.

Disgusting.

With the catch in my asshole in the silver spoon, Shoved up my ass trying to get the cat out.

You coughed at your own forehead.

Dude, what the hell, Adam?

This is the eyes thing I've been talking about.

I just don't want to fucking make yourself sick.

Let's make yourself sick.

I apologize.

You know what?

I apologize for the apology.

I'm not asking for the apology.

Because clearly,

this whole podcast has been about shitting on you, basically.

And I've never seen you this hurt

than right now.

And I'm sorry.

I was hurt when

I was hurt many times, times, but on the inside.

But now I've been talking to my therapist.

All right, and I have to retract.

You feel it hurt on the inside?

I retract.

Show it on the outside.

Maybe start showing it on the outside.

That's fair.

That's fair.

And you know what?

That's affecting me because, as a friend, I'm reading your signals.

You have to give me that at least.

That's true.

I am reading the signals.

There was no way of you to have known until this.

Exactly.

I thought you liked it, dude.

I do.

And from now on, this is a big turning point in the podcast.

This is a whole new thing.

A whole new fucking world.

Nick's still gay, but that's true.

Beyond that, we're going to change our ways.

How dare you even try to come with me with your fucking pedophile eyes, dude?

Stop at pedophile eyes.

That's not a real thing.

Yeah, it is.

They don't have a specific type of eyes.

Your Beetlejuice ass pedophile eyes.

I am not laughing at that.

Because I respike to my friend Adam.

Wow.

Well, what a great time.

Look familiar?

Panda eyes.

It's a pedophile slang for child sodomy.

No, it's not.

And Adam has those eyes.

Well, how do you know the slang?

Maybe because you're on the inside.

No, I got a lot of people.

Wait, this happens.

No, no, no, no, no.

This happens to children that get

fucked by pedophiles.

Okay, so you're bringing up my

so actually, Adam.

Wait, hold on.

This is disgusting.

It's a pedophile slang for child sodomy.

When a child is forcibly sodomized, their eyes can welt to black circles due to the blunt trauma involved.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, that's cool.

They have their own slang?

Making their eyes look like that of a panda.

God, that's

on a Facebook group called Stand Up, Speak Out, warning, distress.

This is my favorite thing.

It's like middle-aged people are like, I speak out against child abuse on the internet.

And it's like,

who's...

What's going to happen?

Anti-pedophiles.

Did they find that?

They're probably people that were molested.

Did they find Brian Laundry yet?

I don't think so.

It'd be funny if now Dog the Bounty Hunter goes missing also.

Fuck.

Yeah, dude.

He can't be stopped.

It's a warning.

Laundry will not go lightly into the night.

Dude, I'm glad for this guy.

He's really

written this out.

He's making white guys look pretty fucking cool.

I don't know.

Good at camping.

Stop.

You and him are probably the most famous bald men in the world.

I'm not bald.

I have hair.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Brian Laundrie lookalike ambushed by feds at gunpoint.

Here's the thing.

If you're some kind of bald beard faggot, don't go hiking this week.

Yep.

Anyway.

And I know you live for that.

Because Brian Laundry, the thing about it.

Those guys love hiking.

The thing about Brian Laundrie is that everyone's met this guy a million times at like shitty parties where people are playing beer pong way too late into their 20s.

Yep.

That they're filled with these kind of guys

that are like going their whole year is going driving to Bonnaroo.

Look at this guy.

He looks nothing like him.

He looks nothing like him.

He's just that type of guy.

Honestly,

if you told me that was him, I would say, yeah, it is.

I don't know what he looks like.

Wait, so the feds just ambushed this guy?

Yeah.

They got a hot test.

This is how shitty the fucking FBI is.

Look at this part.

This guy says,

the agent...

Oh, fuck.

I paused it.

Did he say, I'm sorry?

Well, the agent inspected the side of his head and said, you have a notch in the upper part of your inner ear just like him.

So now we're doing inner ear analysis.

Because everyone knows that people's ear anatomy is so wildly distinct that everybody has different ridges inside their ear.

Oh, fuck.

I have to shit, but I couldn't shit earlier because somebody, I won't say who,

took an incredibly stinky shit.

Yeah, but we're not going to say who.

We're not going to say who was.

But somebody.

And I can say who.

Here's this guy's name, Severin Beckwith.

Yeah, he's a bald beard hiking guy.

Severin Beckwith.

Yeah, this guy.

Was he on a hike?

When he got ambushed?

Look, these guys, they do nothing but eat cliff bars, go in the woods, and fuck some saggy-titted bitch that smells bad.

Yeah, they wear like those waffle

Henleys.

Henleys, yeah.

Or Or Life is Good t-shirts.

Yeah, yeah.

You remember that brand?

And they do also play guitar apart.

They play guitars and they love it.

Those are definitely.

And they love this podcast.

I don't know.

Do they?

I think so.

I guess a good amount of them do.

I guess I'm just going to go home and shit now because somebody

took a bad shit in here.

And I smelled a couple of my farts.

They're bad.

I don't want to disrespect the house with two bad shits in a row.

Yeah, following the Marshal's advice, Beckwith Beckwith shaved his beard.

So look, these motherfuckers, they're so bad at their job.

Yeah.

They're just going to go fucking harass somebody.

This guy's not even fucking bald.

He's not bald.

No.

Also, also, you don't think fucking...

He looks nothing like this guy.

And the fucking U.S.

Marshals, they did their job wrong, and they're like, you need to change your appearance.

Laundrie's not getting haircuts in the wilderness.

The other thing is, you don't think he could shave his beard?

Like, they're not looking for a guy that looks like him, but with the beard.

I know, I just said, don't go hiking.

Right.

I said to them, maybe don't go hiking right now.

No, no, go hiking.

But I'm trying to protect you.

Whoever.

These cocksuckers, they're going to

shove a gun in your face and make you shave your face.

Bullshit, dude.

I can't believe the authorities told him to shave.

And as a Muslim myself,

that's double offensive.

Yeah, add that to it, you piece of shit.

Oh, fuck.

I can't believe it, man.

How do people know he's still in the country?

What if he just got on a limited time?

He might have gone, dude.

He might have, you know.

What if he just fucking hopped the Rio Grande?

It's possible.

What is that?

It's a guy who also, another look-alike, but he also doesn't really look like that guy.

It's just a guy with a bald head.

But honestly, again.

If you told me that was him, I would say yes, it is.

It'd be sick if Brian Laundrie was pulling all the strings and did have a bunch of lookalikes like saddam hussein you know decoy yes yes yes it'd be sick if he was actually maybe he's in a he's in the desert with a little fan blue you are a woman who pioneered the fbi's behavioral science unit it's like anyone can just get a job at the fbi being like oh yes i'm in a uh i'm a cum pattern analysis expert i'm an empath i can tell that it

exactly what he was thinking by the pattern of ejaculate on on the bed And he's staying at the Motel 6, and you should barge in there with guns and shoot whoever's.

The first person.

I can tell by the viscosity of his jizz, he'll be dangerous.

That's who did it.

And don't knock.

That's, yeah, no knock.

No knock.

And maybe do like a, maybe do like one of those

right-wing Hispanic guys this time.

Yeah.

Because I feel like that'll balance.

Yeah.

That'll probably put us in the clear.

One of those Puerto Rican guys that voted for Trump.

Yeah.

Maybe one of those.

And then we'll dust, we'll clap our hands off and we're done for the day.

We did it, boys.

Wait, what does this mean?

And then it's back to the mosque to create fake 9-11

fucking 19 and blame it on a retarded guy.

Do we still care about Muslims?

No.

Are they still harassing Muslims?

After the Capitol riot, it's like now that

you can just go for anyone.

Yeah.

Like these fucking parents, the PTS, whatever.

Well, when they went for the Muslims, you said nothing.

Don't get me started.

But now I'm saying that.

No, don't, folks, because we've already done, I think, a full two minutes over an hour.

Oh, my gosh.

That's free.

Would you like to do the honors?

Wow, seven and a half minutes.

Would I push the green or red?

Stop button.

Stop.

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