Ep. 275 – oh look its adam

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Speaker 1 for a pedophile organization wait

Speaker 1 no joke yeah i saw that too i was like i don't know who the fuck this guy is dude you know what's funny and we're recording by the way so say that again noah berlaski did what I don't even know fully who he is, but he does comms for a pedophile organization for like Nambla or something.

Speaker 1 Or not Nambla, but some shit like that. It's got a different name.
I'll tell you, and I don't know she probably doesn't even want me mentioning this on the show but

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 major like uh I don't know what you props respect props respect but like uh amber called that shit years ago people are years ago because amber's not the kind of person to be like that guy's a pedophile in fact she's like against like the whole like accusing somebody or like you know yeah like like sexually pathologizing somebody based on their like politics or actions or whatever right noah's the only person i can think of where she was ever like, something's up with that guy.

Speaker 1 She's like, that guy's probably a pedophile. That's awesome.
And that was the only person I can even think of that Amber's

Speaker 1 shot from the hip on. Apparently, Liz Brunig said it publicly months ago.
Respect. Called her shot too.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's

Speaker 1 turning around after you shot the three-point. She posts some pretty nice pastries on the internet.
Yeah. Yeah, dude.
One of the funniest, and I know, I like Liz, so I don't want to

Speaker 1 make the problem worse.

Speaker 1 She posted a picture of her breastfeeding one time. Oh, boy.
Like, one of the older guys. Oh, brother.
All the right guys responded with that picture of, like, the frog in the tuxedo with the eyes.

Speaker 1 The long eyes coming out. Looking at the breast seeds.
Oh, fucking Christ, man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's so fucking good. Yeah, so I don't know who this guy who is.

Speaker 1 I don't really. He's some guy that's a good one.
Yeah, he's one of those like

Speaker 1 that.

Speaker 1 Everyone seems to hate him. Yeah, they posted him.
Be glad he's a pedophile. That next

Speaker 1 little boy.

Speaker 1 Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the conversation. Welcome back to Cometown.
Welcome back to Cometown 2021. We're here.
There's a lot to catch up on. I was doing one with my boys this week.

Speaker 1 We've got to remember to actually do the reads on this one because the last one

Speaker 1 the one we just did this morning

Speaker 1 was supposed to be the regular one. Which you guys will hear on premium.
Which you you guys can go to, you can find by going to youtube.com and typing in

Speaker 1 stolen

Speaker 1 Patreon episodes

Speaker 1 with

Speaker 1 musical guest Don Henley.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, because here's the thing, guys.
If you go to YouTube, you can steal the premium episodes of the show, but

Speaker 1 you're going to be missing on all of the audio content, the cuss words. The cuss words, the licensed music that we're going to play.
We're going to play.

Speaker 1 Patreon.com, you can hear all of Don Henley's music in its entirety. Yeah.

Speaker 1 His entire catalog. Everything.

Speaker 1 I stole his private journal, and I'm reading it. And we're not afraid of Don.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 We're going to play.

Speaker 1 We're going to play the Beatles. Don't make it.

Speaker 1 Chuck my dick.

Speaker 1 Tell me it's fit.

Speaker 1 Chuck on my little dick. I know I'm not the songs.
Patreon.com. Patreon.com slash come town.

Speaker 1 Listen, if you think

Speaker 1 the quality of the show will get better because

Speaker 1 you unsubscribe, the exact opposite. Don't test us.
This is a kamikaze mission. Yeah, yeah, we're going to draw the quality of the show low.
We win either way.

Speaker 1 Mexican standards give us five to five. Either we're free, either the show tanks and we get to live regular lives again, or we get rich.
Okay? but it's one or the other, motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 So the quality will continue to be worse until the money shoots back up. It's like that Pink Floyd song.
The beatings will keep being on your dick. The boys are back in time.
Yeah. I love that one.

Speaker 1 I love that trip. Yeah, that song.
One of the most classic songs. Dude, I love dropping Sid

Speaker 1 and just watching The Wizard of Oz. Dude, I love

Speaker 1 my third eye. And playing The Boys are back in Tom.
It's a song

Speaker 1 comfortably numb. Yeah.
Because it's like, it reminds me of drugs. It reminds you of your asshole before a guy pounds it.
Yeah, once I've been taking poppers and

Speaker 1 putting icy hot directly on my asshole. Speaking of pedophile, no, the who.
The who is a, there's a

Speaker 1 one of the guys in the pedophile, in the who that pedophile. Townsend was, well, he's not a pedophile.
He was doing research for a book. That's why he had to have all that child pornography.

Speaker 1 This is the looking at child pornography songs.

Speaker 1 Just torrenting, just gigabyte, gigabyte after gigabyte.

Speaker 1 Just that

Speaker 1 flying off a print.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh shit.

Speaker 1 Remake the fucking buffer remix.

Speaker 1 Fuck my ass. Suck my penis.
Suck my dick and fuck my ass and

Speaker 1 suck my penis, please. Welcome back, everybody.
There was a month away

Speaker 1 from the show. Not for you guys.
No, you've had the show on time every week. On time every time.
Twice a week. Uploaded with the exception of one day where I forgot

Speaker 1 until probably 11 p.m. We're pretty good guys.
And

Speaker 1 I almost almost didn't upload it on time because I was watching The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford. Pretty good movie.
I'm going to watch that movie.

Speaker 1 That movie's come up so often. It's really good over the last five years.
I brought it up over and over again. Okay.

Speaker 1 I saw it when it came out and I remember being like

Speaker 1 it was like praised. Everyone said it was amazing.

Speaker 1 And I watched it when it came out and it did nothing for me. Like I didn't understand what the appeal was.
And then I watched it again in the last year.

Speaker 1 And I think I've said this on the show before,

Speaker 1 but it is truly a good movie.

Speaker 1 Is that so?

Speaker 1 Is that how you would categorize it? I had to.

Speaker 1 I love guys like that.

Speaker 1 You'd be like stuck talking to them all the time. They would deliver just the most banal statements with such gravitas.
gravity tongue.

Speaker 1 It is. We went to lunch, and I have to tell you, listen to me right now, it was a terrific sandwich.

Speaker 1 The fries

Speaker 1 were crispy. It was really good.
It was good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe I'll watch that fucking movie, man. Yeah.
It's nice to be back, dude. Back, I was in fucking Greece.
I'm in fucking Portland. You guys like what I've done with the place?

Speaker 1 It looks great, dude. Cleaned it up.
It honestly does look great. Yeah.
Yeah, Nick cleaned his apartment while we were gone. It's looking the lamp is in the right place.
You got a coffee table.

Speaker 1 I'm in his new room.

Speaker 1 The coffee table has been I know. It never made any sense.
But I got a nice chair for over here, an ottoman. That's good.
You know what it is? Your stuff.

Speaker 1 You've always had this stuff, but it's in a place that makes sense now. Yeah.
Everything in your apartment made no sense. Yeah.
You had like fucking weights in your bedroom. You didn't have a bed.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You had the racing wheel just kind of around.
Now you've got it. Now it's got its own dedicated.
now. He has a race car section of the room.
Now you got a swoleatorium.

Speaker 1 You got your little fucking... That's awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do fucking squats in that bitch. Yep.
You fucking

Speaker 1 came up, dude. Perfect timing for the show to fail, and then I can't afford this apartment anymore.
No, no, no. It's good.
Don't worry. No, I have to be outside sucking dick to afford Switch games.

Speaker 1 To afford my Nintendo subscription.

Speaker 1 That would be funny. That's a dark thought, brother.
So you played Breath of the Wild. It's good.
Have Have you played N-word sword yet? The new one? I have not.

Speaker 1 I have a hard time believing that's what it's called. I think that's what it's called.
It's called.

Speaker 1 Are you thinking inner sword? No, N-word and N-word, I think is or Skyward N-word, I think is the name.

Speaker 1 It's something like that. So

Speaker 1 you're saying it's N?

Speaker 1 It's W-O-R-N-W-W-I-W. I think it's called The Legend of Zelda.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's just what it is?

Speaker 1 The Legend of

Speaker 1 Zelda colon.

Speaker 1 I don't think it is, man. I don't know.
I haven't heard of that game, but it sounds pretty fun.

Speaker 1 I mean, all the games are good. Yeah, I guess Princess Zelda has been kidnapped by

Speaker 1 the back of a Cadillac. They're good guys.
No, it's not in a Cadillac either. They don't have cars.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They have cars, but they're not necessarily Cadillacs. They've used black magic to kidnap Princess Zelda.
Okay. And they're making her take that dick all the time.
Okay, dude, that's

Speaker 1 demons. It looks like it's called Skyward Sword.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 So it's not called...

Speaker 1 Oh, speaking of that word,

Speaker 1 did you guys watch the?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they were just saying the N-word every telegraph was just different length N-words. Yeah, yeah.
It was all

Speaker 1 cussing.

Speaker 1 I watched the Woodstock 99 documentary, and they had this like faggot New York Times, like music journalist critic guy.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it was the DMX performance.

Speaker 1 And DMX.

Speaker 1 DMX.

Speaker 1 Imagine the day DMX died and the local news guy being like,

Speaker 1 DMX, what y'all want?

Speaker 1 The legendary rapper is dead.

Speaker 1 He gets fired. Yeah, he gets fired.
But imagine.

Speaker 1 For a second. Didn't somebody do that with Biggie's birthday? Did they? I want to say someone might.
Someone, I believe, did something racist for Biggie's birthday a couple years ago. Dick Man X.

Speaker 1 Like a journalist. Or a newspaper.
Maybe even like a fucking weatherman. Oh, God.
Anyway, so they were like, DMX was doing like a big call and response section of

Speaker 1 his performance, and the entire 100,000 people were just shouting the N-word.

Speaker 1 What I heard is he gave them tacit permission to shout out. Well, and then so this New York Times guy is like,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 to imagine like the feelings that DMX was having when he found out that his audience were N-word sayers. And he used the term N-word sayers

Speaker 1 to describe, but like A, to like, to like

Speaker 1 claim the true story of Woodstock's N-wordsayers.

Speaker 1 First of all, he's a New York York Times journalist, and he said N-ward Sayers. Second of all, to claim that DMX went backstage to cry afterwards.
N-ward sayers.

Speaker 1 That sounds like one of those, like, do we be... Muffy the N-word Sayer.
No, it sounds like

Speaker 1 a Midwestern author. No, it sounds like a reply guy that listens to our show.
That's like Richard N. Word Sayers.
Of course. No, but if you imagine it's a proper name and not just somebody that...

Speaker 1 Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Of course it is a reply. It's funny that Twitter turned into that.
Yeah. Twitter used to be you just post things and you would get replies from people you were friends with.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just

Speaker 1 people are just trying to be friends.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 People are trying to be friends in one of the most pathetic ways possible.

Speaker 1 One of the saddest ways.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, I had a good one.

Speaker 1 You tweet anything and there's like immediately 50 replies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you just don't even fucking read them.

Speaker 1 Half of them I don't even understand.

Speaker 1 I honestly do not read shit, dude. I post and go.
Yeah, I just get notifications on someone I follow. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Here's one for you guys. Tell me if you like that.
Lady Gaga

Speaker 1 has replied to me. Yeah, we're mutuals.
I'm moofus with Lady Gaga.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think she's a good singer. She's a good singer.
She's got a nice schnauz. How about Lady Kaka?

Speaker 1 Is she made of shit?

Speaker 1 Is she made of shit or does she shit herself?

Speaker 1 Both. Both.

Speaker 1 Every option.

Speaker 1 As many iterations as we can have of Lady Kaka, the better.

Speaker 1 Maybe her pussy's filled with shit. What are some of Lady Gaga's songs? You're hot and you're cold.
You've been a little bit more. That's Kitty Perry again.

Speaker 1 And fight and make up.

Speaker 1 That's literally the same song. I'm hating a zoodoo.

Speaker 1 Like a plastic bag.

Speaker 1 Floating in the wind.

Speaker 1 And the bag is full of shit, and I'm going to stuff it in my cons.

Speaker 1 You shit in my mouth and my pussy. That's pretty good.
Yeah. Wake me up when September ends

Speaker 1 the 9-11. That green day's

Speaker 1 song.

Speaker 1 Really cool. I'm game.

Speaker 1 That guy's name is Billy Joel Armstrong. That is pretty good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my name is

Speaker 1 fucking Michael Jackson Jackson Aldrin. And I'm a musician.

Speaker 1 And an astronaut. I'm an astronaut.
Yeah, but if you guys like Billy Joel, get a load of this. What if he was also fucking

Speaker 1 Billy Hole when he was gay? Well, Neil Armstrong. Oh, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 The first astronaut to win the tour to France. Oh, that's true.
Yeah, look, man, I'm not really.

Speaker 1 That's a successful family. They got a bike guy, they got a moon guy, they got a black guy.
Yeah, the Armstrongs. Oh, Oh, yeah, they play the saxophone, or the trumpet

Speaker 1 guy. What does he play? Trumpet? Trumpet, yeah.

Speaker 1 I love sucking pussy. The way you suck my dead.

Speaker 1 I'll give you five bucks. The way you rock my hand.

Speaker 1 The way you piss on me.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 Have you guys ever been pissed on? Have I asked you this before?

Speaker 1 Well, is squirt pee?

Speaker 1 I think depending on how hard the squirt comes out.

Speaker 1 Because I've definitely gotten busted in my face before. It's funny to be like...
Buy squirt, not by come.

Speaker 1 All you guys out there. The thing about it is you're fucking a girl and then she squirts.

Speaker 1 You're a fucking girl and then she squirts and then the girl's like, I just squirted. And then you're like, nah, that's just pee.
No, I was pissing in your pussy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the joke.

Speaker 1 She's like, it's not just P. They don't know.
I'm like, no, no, no, I just pissed. No, I've been holding it in for a while.
I'll just let it go. Yeah, I wanted to rush over here to have sex.

Speaker 1 I was going to stop at a gas station, but then I got an icy.

Speaker 1 And I forgot to piss. And I forgot to piss.

Speaker 1 And I just kind of took this. You know how your dick gets hard? You're telling her, you're like, you know how your dick gets hard when you have to piss sometimes?

Speaker 1 So I decided, fuck it, let's put the piss boner in the pussy. I thought you would be plugged by my dick, and that the piss would just go into where your piss is stored, right?

Speaker 1 You would piss it out later and be none the wiser. And no one would ever know.
Sort of a Danny Ocean scenario. Right.

Speaker 1 Where instead of stealing, I'm putting in, instead of stealing something desirable, I'm giving you something undesirable, my piss. Sort of an ocean's 11 kind of situation.

Speaker 1 Ocean's four and a half. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nicknamed after your dick size, Nick. Because you're the guy in this hypothetical.

Speaker 1 It's not me. If it was me, it would be Ocean 6 and 1 quarter.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've never finished this.

Speaker 1 I feel like we have this exact same conversation.

Speaker 1 I sucked a man's dick.

Speaker 1 I still want to do a puzzle.

Speaker 1 He fucked my ass.

Speaker 1 I've been talking about doing that puzzle

Speaker 1 for months. You don't want to to do it.
I do. What puzzle do you have? I don't.
No, that was... Somebody gave me that as a joke.

Speaker 1 A Disney puzzle. Yeah, I don't want to do that one.
I want to do... An adult one? No, I want to do something like...
Yeah, I would do a puzzle if there's tits on it. Yeah, yeah.
You get to see them.

Speaker 1 I did a nice one of a man playing accordion for a dog, a man in a raincoat playing accordion for a dog. Oh, that's nice.
But I want like a heraldic theme or some kind of like mid-Heraldo Rivera.

Speaker 1 Some kind of feudal

Speaker 1 big heraldic with knights and castles and stuff. That'd be cool.
That's the kind of puzzle I want to do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The problem with puzzles is you never get to like, you just got to destroy them at the end. What the finish.
What the fuck are you talking about? Wait, you just leave them out forever?

Speaker 1 You laminate them and hang them on the wall, dude. You put them on the wall.
Everybody knows that. Everyone.
Really? Yeah, everybody does that. Ah, fuck, dude.
I fuck for the listeners.

Speaker 1 I completely fucked my back up sleeping on fucked up little Greek mattresses. And then I was traveling so much, I haven't had time to heal.
So I'm playing through the pain.

Speaker 1 It hurts when I laugh, actually, which literally is hard for me. Wow, that's sad.
You know, I love joy. I love love.
I love laughter.

Speaker 1 I do. Oh, can I do my song that I've been trying to tell you guys? Yeah, please.
Okay, it's...

Speaker 1 I am a sinner. I think I want to have gay sex.

Speaker 1 Lord, forgive me. That's really good.
Lord, forgive me. I think I'm about to have gay sex.
Yeah, that was good. I just want to suck a bone.

Speaker 1 Something like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 Kendrick Lamar.

Speaker 1 People say it's

Speaker 1 one of the smartest people in America. Kendic, I suck.

Speaker 1 Kendik, I suck. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The answer is yes. The answer to that query, my friend, is yes.

Speaker 1 I'm a penis.

Speaker 1 I want to get sucked up. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 That's a rich new vein. The perspective of a gay penis.
Oh, wow. We haven't explored that yet.
I'm a penis.

Speaker 1 I want to be in a man's ass. Yeah, that'd be funny.
Do like a one-man stage, two-act stage play of, like, a gay man's penis. You have, like, a dick outfit on.

Speaker 1 You go out on stage and you're just chain smoking, like, kind of hunched over. Like,

Speaker 1 of all the fucking guys I got to be attached to, it's got to be a fucking gay guy. Just fucking homo.
There's nothing I want more in this world than to be shoved into a fucking pussy.

Speaker 1 What does life give me? Shit.

Speaker 1 Shit, in this city filled with shit. Brooklyn with your dirty streets and dirty people.
HIV coursing through my veins. That's really good.

Speaker 1 It's really good. It's all like,

Speaker 1 this is awesome. Just brooding.

Speaker 1 This is just an Italian.

Speaker 1 Let me get pussy one time.

Speaker 1 One day, but I'm saving up. I got a plan I got a plan all right

Speaker 1 he's just like you know hiding his like bits of money from like a

Speaker 1 like a female pussy that's his wife for some reason or a female penis

Speaker 1 just a woman penis like where you are you going to work of course I'm going to work

Speaker 1 And he's like, well, he gets like called out. Like the gay guy has to go to like the HIV doctor, so he's not having sex that day.

Speaker 1 So he comes home and the wife's like, she's not cheating on him, but she's flirting with him with like a

Speaker 1 dick that's like a police officer or something. Right, right.
And he's like, You respect that guy, huh?

Speaker 1 I can see it in your eyes. You know, he's not just gathering shit all day long.
You know, he's not cleaning shit out of his foreskin. He's not.
He doesn't have a fucking what?

Speaker 1 Because he's got a real job.

Speaker 1 Some of us have to do it. And he gets pussy at work.

Speaker 1 What do you do all day?

Speaker 1 You're just on camera attached to a trans woman.

Speaker 1 oh watchie don't go so hard on me

Speaker 1 you get jacked off by nice smelling lotions all day on only fans while i'm over here in men's asses yeah in the trenches

Speaker 1 putting food on the fucking table up to my knees i know

Speaker 1 up to my knees

Speaker 1 if i was like a multi-billionaire i'd be doing stuff like that dude that's i do thinkers in new york that do those kinds of plays. We can get them black and white.

Speaker 1 The name of the play would be Legend of Zelda: the N-word sword.

Speaker 1 And it would be branded exactly like all Nintendo stuff.

Speaker 1 Just get sued for your advertising campaign. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The play closes before one fucking

Speaker 1 to find like a very good actor. They just have like, he's just got this like dickhead like flopping around.

Speaker 1 He's like, so what? It's got to be all on me, huh?

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. And it's brought to you by Blue Chew.com.
And it's absolutely brought to you by Bluechew.com. It's a Blue Chew.com.

Speaker 1 And because you guys don't know this, but part of the tension in the hypothetical dick we just described is that it could be. His wife doesn't get hard.
His dad's retired. He goes to see his dad.

Speaker 1 He used to fuck a lot. Right.
He stopped working.

Speaker 1 And he's like, dad, you were one of the best. He's like,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm attached to a guy who's 27 years old, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I worked hard, but

Speaker 1 we got blown out with cocaine. Cocaine.
Yeah, we moved to Florida. Retire.
At Blue Chew.com. At Blue Chew.com.

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That is huge. Honestly, this might be the first time we've mentioned the fraction of the cost.

Speaker 1 And that's big because, listen, I remember a time before you could get dick pills on the internet this easy.

Speaker 1 I remember a time where you had to fucking Venmo a guy who worked at a research lab for

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Speaker 1 And it would make your head hurt really bad. Your eyes would bulge.
Your dick would get hard, but it would burn a little bit. And, you know,

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Speaker 1 Being fat, there's being fat, being gay, being

Speaker 1 Jewish. There's three, the three that we deal with.

Speaker 1 The three states of man.

Speaker 1 No awkward doctor's visits, no awkward conversations. My problem is

Speaker 1 I often come before my dick even begins to get hard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right at the start. But should we, I like the jokingly refer to

Speaker 1 the face of the disappointed woman as taking the shortcut at Wario Stadium.

Speaker 1 I'm not familiar with Wario Stadium. Yeah, not many people are, but if you play as Yoshi, you can jump over the second half of the track

Speaker 1 in Mario Kart 66. And that's what you would consider busting before your dick even gets sort of hard.

Speaker 1 You would call that a sort of a cheat code. I will tell you this right now.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I said, sorry, I pulled a little game shark on you.

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Speaker 1 I like to take tadala, fil, because

Speaker 1 you pull some silk handkerchiefs out of your dick hole. Yep, I like that.
I have a bunch of, well, actually, my asshole.

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It is out of your ass.

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Touch the lawn shit. And they prepare.

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Speaker 1 We really thank them.

Speaker 1 Is one of the greatest. It's for cocksuckers.
We thank them for sponsoring the podcast and for sponsoring our specific cocksuckers. Let me tell you something.
I'm a cocksucker. Folks, I suck cock.

Speaker 1 I've been sucking cock here at the car dealership

Speaker 1 since before they told me it wasn't my job.

Speaker 1 I was doing it because I thought it was my job.

Speaker 1 Listen,

Speaker 1 they hired me here.

Speaker 1 They hired you to suck cock at the car one day. At Davis Toyota.

Speaker 1 In fucking Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. They hired me here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, actually, you're from Fond du L Wisconsin. 1987.

Speaker 1 Adam, can I get a little something for that? You're over here looking at it. That was good.
No, I say you're from Fondle Sack, Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 Apparently, the hole in my kitchen ceiling will not be being fixed this week. So that's good.
It's probably not going to rain. The sales manager.

Speaker 1 There's no way that there's a hurricane coming right now. The sales manager at the time said, We're looking for, he was coked out of his mind.
He said to me, We're hiring salespeople.

Speaker 1 We're looking for real cocksuckers.

Speaker 1 And you took it in a literal sense. I took it literally.
Yeah, they thought you mean like someone with low morals. I had been selling cars for 10 years at that point.

Speaker 1 I was married, but I needed a job.

Speaker 1 You already, you had experience selling cars. There was a different dealership that closed.

Speaker 1 I got hired.

Speaker 1 You didn't even try and just sell cars. You sell right there.
I sell it at the GT my first day. Well, it looked good for you.
And the guy said, that's great job, but we need two.

Speaker 1 You need to keep going. Like I said, we're looking for real cocksuckers here.

Speaker 1 And when he said it the second time, that's when I sealed the deals for you. I clicked.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I had my own cubicle, so I had been blowing customers.

Speaker 1 The first couple of times I cried.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 It was hard for you to.

Speaker 1 It was hard, but

Speaker 1 they were just down. Just out of curiosity,

Speaker 1 the guys you sucked, they were all down.

Speaker 1 What was the clientele? I'll tell you what, in 2003, it was two years after the towers fell.

Speaker 1 They hired a guy named Vikram Singh who had a very colorful turban. And the general manager of the dealership, he's a family guy.
Naturally, he was a little concerned. Of course.

Speaker 1 So they knocked out all the walls and the cubicles and put in fucking glass so we could keep an eye on him. To make sure he wasn't doing terrorism.
To make sure.

Speaker 1 It was two years after the towers fell. Of course.
You can't be sure. You can't be too sure.
You can't be too safe. You You know, I had been salesman of the month going on, you know,

Speaker 1 the whole two years at this point, because I was basically in a permanent state of trauma. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, my wife had left me because, I mean, she didn't even know about the cock sucking, but she'd look into my eyes and see nothing. Something was missing there.

Speaker 1 She saw a broken man where once there was a strong provider for her. She'd see the boiling, gelatinous mess of memories that refused to form themselves permanently in my head.

Speaker 1 as I thought about all the men whose cocks I was forced to suck just to sell a couple of Toyotas.

Speaker 1 I guess what I'm confused about is not your well they put the glass in and then everybody saw me blowing some guy

Speaker 1 and they you know they said look you know

Speaker 1 We've been here with this the whole time. Back in 87 we could tell you we don't hire fags at this place.
Right. But this is a new age.
We don't have the towers anymore. 2003

Speaker 1 2003. We can still call people fags, but we can't fire them for it.

Speaker 1 Now, what the hell are you doing? And I said, remember, Mike? They're like, yeah, the guy that had a heart attack back in 1991.

Speaker 1 I said, yeah, he said we were looking for real cocksuckers. And they were like, that's an expression.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then we slowly panned to my face and zoomed in.

Speaker 1 You were filming a kind of documentary

Speaker 1 office-style doctor comedy. And then we took a look at Jim.
And then Jim had a wacky office.

Speaker 1 And Jim was puffing out his cheeks and raising his eyebrows at the camera.

Speaker 1 And that was the classic Jim, somebody's been sucking cock when they didn't have to face. So it was 12 years of this.
And I call that my 12 years a slave.

Speaker 1 12 years a sex slave. So when that movie came out, it was so triggering.
I had a manic episode and tore off all my clothes. And they found me in Appleton drinking my own piss in a Chinese buffet.

Speaker 1 Get out of town. But luckily, Workers' Comp covered the whole thing.

Speaker 1 That is really lucky. So I've been in therapy now.
I go three times a day. It's about $86,000 a month.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, Workers' Comp covered you having a mental breakdown off the clock at 12 years of slave and drinking your own piss in a Chinese buffet at Appleton. I think that makes sense to me.

Speaker 1 You know, because I signed a waiver saying that it's, it's,

Speaker 1 you know, we're gonna say it's nobody's fun. It's a no, they call it a no-fault fault.
A no-fault, sure.

Speaker 1 Where, yes, I was being sexually abused by customers for years, but they realized it did seem like you were kind of doing it, though.

Speaker 1 They went back and they looked at all of the customer reviews, and there's been people that go in there and said, We want to go back to Jim. That guy's a real cocksucker.

Speaker 1 If I am, whatever, my name's Jim, I think. I can't remember.

Speaker 1 Your name's also Jim, I think. My name is Jim.
But Jim also works there. Jim from the office.
Jim from the office works there. Yeah.
Different Jim, yeah. But your name is Jim.
And my name's Jim also.

Speaker 1 I guess what I find most confusing about this is that you found, I guess, hundreds, if not thousands, of willing

Speaker 1 car buyers that wanted to get their dick sucked.

Speaker 1 You're not a very good-looking man. Who the hell do you think drives Toyotas?

Speaker 1 Homosexuals.

Speaker 1 Guys that are trying to get their cock sucked. By guys?

Speaker 1 I I think so.

Speaker 1 I mean, I drive a Toyota. I mean, that explains.
I don't really want to get my dick sucked by guys. And guess what?

Speaker 1 But here's the rubber.

Speaker 1 Here's the real answer. Okay.

Speaker 1 Turns out

Speaker 1 that I had a secret benefactor that had been paying people to come buy Toyotas for me so I could keep my job.

Speaker 1 Really? Yes. Like a billionaire or something.
That must have been really expensive. A patron of the arts.

Speaker 1 Yes. Because I had written some poetry in college that

Speaker 1 made its way to a couple of zines in New York City. Really? Wow.
And none other than

Speaker 1 the guy from Bain Capital.

Speaker 1 Wow, Mitt Romney? Sure. Didn't he work there? I think so.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I actually worked at Brain Capital. So Mitt Romney was paying men to get their dick sucked by you.

Speaker 1 Well, I just thought he loved this guy's poetry. Oh, I love his poetry? He's got really good poetry.
I don't approve of him sucking Cock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, if he wants to suck Hawk, that's it.

Speaker 1 I don't think that's Mitt Romney.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what Mitt Romney sounds like.

Speaker 1 He sounds like it.

Speaker 1 Or Jit Romney. Admits like a glove.
That's what they said.

Speaker 1 That's what he does. Mitt Romney, before he fucks one of his wives, he puts a condom on.
He goes, oh, it mitz like a glove.

Speaker 1 Who let the come out of my penis? Who let the dogs out? It's the best video ever.

Speaker 1 Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who? Just around black people.

Speaker 1 It's a song that came out. A song that had come out.
Nine years prior, probably. That's awesome.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Mitten. Shout out.
Let me just say, Salt Lake City. Thank you for everyone who came out to see me.
Thank you, everyone, coming to the fucking Prince of Pleasure tour.

Speaker 1 It's been going fucking swimmingly. And I'm coming to fucking Denver next.
I'm coming to Omaha, Nebraska. I'm coming to fucking Minneapolis.
That's all next in two weeks. Denver's the 12th.

Speaker 1 Omaha's the 14th. Minneapolis 16th to the 18th.
Then I'm in San Antonio the next week. And then I'm in Cleveland, Phoenix, Madison, Detroit, New Orleans, Tampa, Boston, all the good shit.

Speaker 1 But yeah, go buy some tickets to Denver, Omaha, Minneapolis, San Antonio for now. Grand Slam Tonio.
Grand Slam Tonio. I'm trying to get some fucking

Speaker 1 plus-eyed pussy over in San Antonio. I hear it's the fattest city in America.

Speaker 1 I hope it's got the fattest pussies in America, too.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go on tour dress

Speaker 1 just to have sex and not do shows. That's not a bad way to do it.
Just put it up on my website. Just go on a pussy tour.
Just name

Speaker 1 a prostitute. Yeah, I'll be at the best Western story.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the way fucking prostitutes go to strip clubs. Yeah, yeah.
You're just like, hey, I don't feel like doing stand-up, but

Speaker 1 if your girl who lives here wants to suck my cop,

Speaker 1 DM me. You know what? In fact, that goes for me, too.
I am doing stand-up, but if you just want to suck me off, go ahead.

Speaker 1 I got my own six-foot expandable table that I'll just be setting up outside the best western where you can, you know, we'll form a line and I can meet you and sign something. Right.

Speaker 1 And I'll put a stamp on your hand if I'm if you if you've you're if you're get put get cock approved. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I have a big uh air horn, the novelty air horn that says moo if uh

Speaker 1 you're declined and I'll be blowing it in your face.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 Go to stabby.biz slash tour for those tickets. I'll also be selling Nick's sexual tour tickets on that website.

Speaker 1 I'm getting a piece of every little fucking. I'm pimping Nick out.
I'll set it up, dude. I'll set up the logistics, but I get 10%

Speaker 1 of every pussy that you fucking.

Speaker 1 You have to bring back a little jar of pussy juice and I get to drink it when you come home. This is making me feel like a real industrialist.
Yeah. From the golden age, of course.
Oh, dude.

Speaker 1 My back is fucking killing me, dude.

Speaker 1 Is anybody listening to a masseuse?

Speaker 1 I got a lacrosse ball sitting on that table right there.

Speaker 1 I could get a massage right after this, actually. Yeah.
How about instead of a lacrosse and playing lacrosse, it's playing Rich Voss. Playing Rich Voss,

Speaker 1 and you're like kind of sucking his cock and putting your thumbs in his ass.

Speaker 1 You got to look at the instruments. You got to look at the cocktail

Speaker 1 like you're a jazz man.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You blow it into his ass and you're like, you're like, you're like fingering him in a rhythm.

Speaker 1 You're like taking his hat off and off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're like, what's the hell? What's the fucking guy showing back there? This guy's playing me like a fucking trombone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's so you're going to buy a land review.

Speaker 1 Jim, how many should I have to tell you? I'm just here for the free cockshoot. Do you have any machetes?

Speaker 1 Do you have a Machedes I could buy?

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck dude.

Speaker 1 Jim from fucking

Speaker 1 Fond du Sac, Wisconsin. I'm also going to Wisconsin at some point, too.
I think I said that, Madison. Yeah.
Well, come see me. I got raped.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jim will be opening for me when I'm in Madison, Wisconsin. Featuring the openers, Jim from Fond du Lac and Jeff Fox Barrely.

Speaker 1 Jeff Fox Barrely. They're going to love it.
You guys are going to. That's a little fucking

Speaker 1 preview for Sunday's episode.

Speaker 1 I love doing that. I love when we pre-record Sunday and then we reference something coming.
Jeff Fucks Barely. Jeff Fucks Barely.
That's pretty good. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my motherfucking God. I re-watched Hell or Highwater the other day.
Great flick. I love that movie.
Good flick. I forgot I bought it.
I have it on DVD.

Speaker 1 I watched it like three times when I got it. It's awesome.
I'm going to redo that and Sicario.

Speaker 1 Stickyo. Yeah.
Sicario Rocks. The second one was not as good.
The Day of the Soldada. Which is a great name.
It should have been a really good name. I feel like the pinnacle of my life was when,

Speaker 1 what's his name? Frankie Sucked Your Dick and You Fucked His Ass? No. And he fucked your ass? No.

Speaker 1 Don't you remember that, Adam, when he was like bragging about Frankie finally getting

Speaker 1 fucking him in the ass. Frankie and the rest of the Jersey boys.
Josh Rowland was at the stand one night. That's right.
I remember that.

Speaker 1 He said, very funny, great job to me. And that will be a feather in my ass.

Speaker 1 A regular Yankee Doodle. That is true.
You were smiling big as shit when you said that. He stuck a feather up his dick and then

Speaker 1 came from doing that. And it turns out he loves docking.
I remember as a child trying to picture Yankee Doodle in my head, and it was always some kind of like fucked up rooster man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Focus Doodle. Well, Yankee Doodle is a dumb name.

Speaker 1 But you know what I would

Speaker 1 imagine like the

Speaker 1 Cocoa puffs bird in colonial garb But then his eyeballs are like macaroni or whatever because the whole song is just yeah, I didn't understand

Speaker 1 every part of quote-unquote American culture from like the colonial period was just I mean just like

Speaker 1 fully deranged. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. You know? Well, they were raping slavery.
Like mentally disabled. Like a Down syndrome person came up with most of it.
Yeah. Yeah, that was like a banger.

Speaker 1 What do they have?

Speaker 1 When someone came up with Yankee Doodle, everyone's like, I love that.

Speaker 1 You know, I love that track. They came up with that at mybookie.ag.

Speaker 1 I didn't know that. Yeah, which, Adam, why don't you tell us a little bit about how they came up with my bookie.

Speaker 1 In the world of sports. At mybookie.ag

Speaker 1 in the world of sports, the off-season is time to relax and regroup after a hard-fought season.

Speaker 1 Playing with MyBookie gives you the choice to decide when your season begins and ends.

Speaker 1 I love agency. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love, my season is all year long.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to season a man's penis with your ass. With me.

Speaker 1 Put on a bib. Evoila.

Speaker 1 Evoila. Penis de la homos exales.

Speaker 1 You can bet on hundreds of games and leagues from around the world, whether it's a game day parlay or a long shot winner. My bookie's got you covered.
That's so funny.

Speaker 1 Use pregame props or bet the live game to shift the odds in your favor and always come out on top.

Speaker 1 Yep. And that's that's I always come out on top too when

Speaker 1 you're starving and I have sex. You wish, dude.
You know I would top you. Anyway, you know I would top you.
First of all, you don't have the strength. I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine you guys having sex. I would fuck Adam.
It's not even a question. We didn't know this.
No, you would just like hold hands. No way.

Speaker 1 I would be like a

Speaker 1 ravage his hole. Let's stay friends.
He's not hot enough, but if he was, I would fuck him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Adam's telling you about other guys he's having sex with, and you're like, I'm just so glad you're happy. No, I'm not getting friends on by Adam.
I'm getting power.

Speaker 1 I'm power fucking his ass. You're masturbating the idea of that happening.
That'll never happen. Adam's like, I just respect you as a friend more.
And you're like, totally, totally, totally.

Speaker 1 Don't you even. You're like a brother to me.
Adam's like, I've been getting raped in my ass by Will from Chapa.

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh, I'm getting bussy. Will's a really good guy.
No, dude, I'm getting Will style bussy, dude. And Will would respect me for it, too.
Yeah. He rocks.
He does rock. He rocks.

Speaker 1 And me and him both fuck Adam. Yeah.
So Will's on it. Will's outside in his Mustang honking the horn.
Like, Adam, come get me some pussy. Adam, hurry up.
I need pussy. I need cunt.

Speaker 1 And he stops just at the window. It's kind of like

Speaker 1 frosty. He just backs recedes into the darkness.
Okay, see you, Adam. See ya.

Speaker 1 Come by later. You're in the drapes.
Yeah. Yeah, because you're in a wheelchair.
You broke your leg.

Speaker 1 This was when you hurt your foot. Yeah, I was fucking a little bit.
Oh, you know what? I'll admit, when I hurt my foot, I was more vulnerable.

Speaker 1 And then you're looking out the window, and across the street, you see

Speaker 1 somebody doing

Speaker 1 a murder happens. Oh, it's a rear window now? Yeah.
But I also want to get pussy from Adam. But here's what happens.
It's Stav.

Speaker 1 Like, he's sitting. I'm going to use my phone as an example.
He's looking out the window and he's like, oh, my God, that woman looks like she's in trouble. And then they see the murder happening.

Speaker 1 He's like, oh my God, he's murdering her.

Speaker 1 Yes, can I get a large pizza with

Speaker 1 pepperoni

Speaker 1 and extra breadsticks?

Speaker 1 What was I doing? Well, anyway. All right, jacking off.

Speaker 1 And that is

Speaker 1 the end of that bit. That's true, but I would fuck Adam for the record.
Now, finish the read, Adam. I would fuck you.

Speaker 1 No chance. I would fuck you, dude.
Finish the read. You would never fuck me.
I'm too powerful to get fucked by you, dude.

Speaker 1 I would twist you up like a fat little pretzel. No, you would not.
Dip you in mustard. You would not.
You wish you would, but you could salt you and dip you in mustard.

Speaker 1 I would fucking dominate you sexually, bro. Oh, my God.
You couldn't even get hard. I would.
You know what? You're right. You're checking off your soft dick.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, give me a second. Someone needs to fuck in this scenario.

Speaker 1 I would be like, Adam, suck my balls.

Speaker 1 I would be like, Adam, suck my balls while I jack off to get hard enough to fuck you.

Speaker 1 That would be pretty funny. And you'd be like, yes, daddy.
You're dick on your head. And you would say, yes, daddy.
I would not call you. Come on, that is beyond the pen.
You would.

Speaker 1 Now you've really stepped over a line. That is insulting to my father.
You would call me. He is my one and only father.
I'm a better role model than your dad.

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Speaker 1 how the fuck do i do that you know

Speaker 1 stop sucking my penis you think if i suck a guy's cock he'll make a coin for me yeah i listen i just wanted my own currency And I just wanted to.

Speaker 1 I wanted to come up with something. I came up with something called Toyota Coin.
I thought it was going to revolutionize Adira's dealership. Started talking to a couple of guys online.

Speaker 1 We meet up in person. Long story short, I got raped.

Speaker 1 I got tripped in the sucking cock, and that's why I'm here

Speaker 1 in Grayfield Elementary talking to you kids today to warn you about the dangers of cryptocurrency.

Speaker 1 A lot of you have been hearing cool stories about Bitcoin being used to buy downloadable content and video games. It's not happening, kids.
There's not a single game where that works.

Speaker 1 Instead, I'm now HIV positive, going around to schools. Whoa, Jim.
So this is separate from you getting raped in. I've had a hard life.
Yeah, Jim. It's been a long road.

Speaker 1 Some people, they go through life and they learn a lot of different lessons.

Speaker 1 And some of us learn the same lessons over and over and over again.

Speaker 1 Do you think at a certain point it becomes part of your identity and you think of yourself as a guy who gets raped? You know, Nietzsche once said

Speaker 1 that the only way to find the true soul of a man

Speaker 1 is to put a cock in his mouth and see how he reacts. And that was told to me by a very wise man, a man I respected, who I found out years later was also a sex criminal.
Right. What was his name?

Speaker 1 His name was Robert. I met him at a bus stop that I would find out that he was living at.

Speaker 1 And by any chance, chance, did you suck Roberts Koch? I did because he said the thing about Nietzsche, who

Speaker 1 I thought it was probably that was smart. It seemed like a smart thing.
Yeah, yeah, that's so smart. You know, I thought maybe later he'd buy a Toyota.

Speaker 1 He was saying, he was talking about, oh, I hate taking the bus. He said, I overheard you.
You're talking about you're the guy that sells Toyotas, right? And I said, yeah, that's me. And he said, boy,

Speaker 1 I'm really tired of taking the bus.

Speaker 1 I would love a Toyota if somebody would just, you know,

Speaker 1 but I have too much cum in my balls to buy one. Give me the what they're slowing me down, slow me down.
These heavy-ass balls are making it impossible for me to reach for my wallet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, give me the sweet Jimmy treatment,

Speaker 1 sweet boy Jimmy treatment from down there the

Speaker 1 DeLorean Toyota. DeLorean Toyota.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Toyotas of the future today.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Did you guys ever get sued by the DeLorean company? No, because John DeLorean actually raped you raped you.

Speaker 1 And he was always worried.

Speaker 1 Jim from fucking Wisconsin. Jim from Fond du Lag loves getting raped.
He doesn't love it. It just happened.

Speaker 1 John DeLorean, we had a whirlwind romance where he took me to Northern Ireland with him when he was planning on building the factories. And I thought it was.
You've had an interesting life.

Speaker 1 I thought you said you were married to a woman. In my mind, I thought he was headhunting me for a position as the vice president of sales at DeLorean.

Speaker 1 But it turns out he thought I was cute and wanted my boy pussy.

Speaker 1 But he did fly you out. That says something he flew me out.
I knew something was up when I got there, and there were roses and a dress.

Speaker 1 You got one just dying.

Speaker 1 There was very little discussion of

Speaker 1 any kind of job position. And when I asked him about it, he said, What position?

Speaker 1 I sent you a letter in the mail that said, I would love to blow a load in your mouth.

Speaker 1 That's a romantic letter.

Speaker 1 And I thought he meant to give me a job.

Speaker 1 Jim, that kind of seems on you, man. That's a good idea.

Speaker 1 It was the 80s. It was a different.
People had a lot of people. I guess you're right.

Speaker 1 I don't know all the slang from back then. White people talked in a very particular manner in the 1980s.

Speaker 1 It was the first decade you weren't allowed to openly use the N-word, and white people were still figuring out how to say things. You were saying new sayings.

Speaker 1 We couldn't say the N-word, but we hadn't yet stolen cuss words. Black people stopped.
Right, right. You'd go around, you'd be like, hey, shit-ass.

Speaker 1 Right. Get your dick-ass car off my.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to blow a load in your mouth. I'm going to blow a load in my mouth.
I'm going to fly you out to Northern Ireland. Blow a load in your mouth.
Hey, shit fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm going to blow load in your mouth in Northern Ireland.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're in a pretty red dress. You've seen the ladder.
I've seen the letter. Yeah.
Oh. So you're familiar with.
So obviously it's a mistake. It's a mistake anyone could have made.

Speaker 1 Down here at the bottom, the lipstick kiss.

Speaker 1 That's funny for a lipstick. He was wearing a lipstick.
For a guy to do a lipstick kiss.

Speaker 1 And I sent a letter back and I said I'm very open to be put in any position by you with my own lipstick

Speaker 1 because i thought that was perhaps some sort of northern irish etiquette and now it's just like so john delorean from northern ireland or i think he's also from wisconsin okay okay okay all letters are sealed now are we sure this was a man named so so you fuck he fucks with so in the 80s he fucks you in northern ireland and then a decade or so later he hires you and tells you he needs a reopen the sucker no that you're confusing.

Speaker 1 With a managerial.

Speaker 1 Just a sales manager or a DeLorean total.

Speaker 1 Two different guys. But this wasn't.
It does seem like it was about 10 years apart, though. No,

Speaker 1 it was about six years apart.

Speaker 1 So you fucked John DeLorean. I did.
And then you work at a different. You were already a car salesman.
Yeah. So you work at a different dealership.

Speaker 1 And I guess also in that time, you get a lot of money. But you have to keep in mind that the DeLorean could travel in time.
So

Speaker 1 I've worked with the DeLorean dealership, and then John DeLorean came to

Speaker 1 pursue the dealership at which I met him and he brought me back to the past with him

Speaker 1 to rape me in Northern Ireland in the early 80s and re-deliver me back to 1987

Speaker 1 because and he said, good luck proving that in a court of law. Yeah, that's next to impossible.

Speaker 1 And everybody thinks I'm insane. Right, right, right.
Like Egene Carroll.

Speaker 1 That guy's a real Egene Carroll. That's what they call you, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what have you been doing since? Because that, I mean, all the stories you've told us, the latest time was 2003. So what have you been doing?

Speaker 1 I started a podcast about the Westminster Dog Show.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Really? You rate the doggos.

Speaker 1 Well, and I tell you, it's kind of defunct now because the first couple episodes I had some friends on, and it was nice. We just talked about the dogs.
Third episode, we had a big get.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah?

Speaker 1 Lawrence Fishmeister. Does his name ring a bell? No, no, Lawrence Fischer.
The first 75% did, yeah. Well, Lawrence Fishburn, but there's an actor who played Fischman.

Speaker 1 You're thinking of the black guy from the fucking. From Morpheus.
From the King of New York. I am.
Yeah, Larry Fishburn. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But this guy was the premier judge of the Westminster Dog Show. Oh, wow.
That is a big get. From 1973 until 1993.
What kind of relationship did you guys have?

Speaker 1 Well, we were just going to interview him for the podcast.

Speaker 1 And he got into town early, and he said, I'm at my hotel, and then we have a couple of hours before we do the show.

Speaker 1 Why don't you come over

Speaker 1 today?

Speaker 1 And we can talk about some Toyotas. I was like, whoa, wow.

Speaker 1 But you're out of the game. You're a podcast.

Speaker 1 And I said, I don't really want to talk about Toyotas. I had kind of a traumatic experience.

Speaker 1 We just sold them for you. Oh, he said, oh, no problem.
We can just. And so we got to with his, I got to his hotel, and it was nice.

Speaker 1 He's showing me awards that he had won and pictures of him with presidents. Right.
Different, different characters. He must be pretty old at this point.

Speaker 1 Reagan, him and Margaret Thatcher. He had a picture of him and Osama bin Laden.
Oh, holy shit. So he was a popular guy back in the 1980s.
And he,

Speaker 1 you know, he said, you know,

Speaker 1 do you want me to give you a sample? And I said, of what? And he said, of how I judge the dogs. And I said, sure.
And he said, well, get down like a puppy dog. On all fours.

Speaker 1 And he had a collar and a leash. And he said,

Speaker 1 put it on me.

Speaker 1 And I said, okay. And then he had a little dog snout and some ears and he put on me.

Speaker 1 And, you know, he's like, well, go around the room. And I thought it was weird at first, but then I kind of got into it.
You got into it, you know, and I'm like, whoof, whoof. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 He's like, okay, come over here. Come over here, Jim.
And we're going around the room. And he said, well, you know,

Speaker 1 it's not really working because a dog, you know, doesn't wear clothes. Don't wear clothes.
This is really tripping me up.

Speaker 1 And that's where it, you know, I said, okay, something seems like something's up.

Speaker 1 At that point, your spidey senses start tingling. Something's up.

Speaker 1 With the collar on, with the dog mask. You did have a point.
Dogs don't wear collars. They don't.
They wear a collar.

Speaker 1 So I took my clothes off, and I'm going around the apartment, and he said, Okay, well, get up on here in the bed, boy.

Speaker 1 And I'm up on bed on force, and he reached under my legs and grabbed my scrotum and started massaging my testicles. Oh, wow.
That must have felt kind of good at first.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I thought it was weird, but he's like, this is the most important part of the dog. That's how he judges.

Speaker 1 And I said, what are you checking for testicular cancer? And he says, no, a lot of of people don't understand what's going on when the judge. I was the guy that invented this.
Wow.

Speaker 1 You know, back in the day,

Speaker 1 they looked at me like I was crazy when I started feeling the dog's balls. Right.
But what really sets a dog apart at the dog show

Speaker 1 is the level of obedience

Speaker 1 of the dog.

Speaker 1 And it's indicative of the breed. Yeah, being a good boy.
When you play with a dog's balls,

Speaker 1 a regular dog will probably bite you. A show dog knows not to bite you, but there still might be an underlying level of tension that the dog is experiencing.

Speaker 1 So when you're playing with the dog's balls, what you want to look for is the tightness of the dog's asshole

Speaker 1 because that indicates how stressed out the dog is. And how do you check for that? And so he's massaging my balls, and I noticed my asshole is a bit tight.

Speaker 1 And he said, so this would be a fail.

Speaker 1 This would be not a pass because you're not relaxing. Worst in show.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I said, well,

Speaker 1 I want to succeed. I don't want to be upstaged by a dog.
And I think you all

Speaker 1 got Lube out of his bag and he fucked me about it.

Speaker 1 And I said, how much more? We got three minutes left?

Speaker 1 You got three minutes left. So he said, as he slid each inch into my ass.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And when that's happening, what are you thinking? Just out of curiosity? Just, I'm saying, I'm a Dalmatian. I'm a Dalmatian.
I'm a Dalmatian. I'm a Dalmatian.

Speaker 1 And then he said, he pulled my hair back and he said, if you're a good enough boy, I'll come buy one of your slut Toyotas. Wow.
And that sent me into a spiral. Right.

Speaker 1 That was like your sensory recall. And much like a dog, I sort of snapped around and I ripped his trachea out with my teeth.
Oh, wow. I really turned into a feral animal.

Speaker 1 And you would think that murdering a man with your bare hands, you know, your

Speaker 1 chewing through his neck veins and bleeding him out in the hotel room, would give you enough street credit that when you're invariably sentenced to 10 years in prison for manslaughter, that

Speaker 1 you'd get respect.

Speaker 1 They found out about the dog thing, and I don't even know where they got a kennel to put

Speaker 1 in jail.

Speaker 1 But day one, they already had toys for me and little princess dog outfits that i had to wear wow and uh they said uh there was a guy named tyrone that called me his little bijan freeze i see that's me and boy you know i thought i knew what being raped was

Speaker 1 before i went to jail

Speaker 1 But these guys in there,

Speaker 1 it's like the NBA. Right, right.
You're playing streetball out there. The speed of the game is so much faster.
The speed and the power.

Speaker 1 When you get into a Midwestern state prison, a frigid, landlocked hell

Speaker 1 filled with just the raw, unbridled rage of maladjusted racial tensions over the last hundred years.

Speaker 1 A place that's too fake to deal with racism. Right.

Speaker 1 They really

Speaker 1 let a dog have it. They let a white dog named Jim really let his let his they really put a pounded on his asshole.
And the worst part about it was I couldn't do my podcast while I was yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys had it at the Westminster

Speaker 1 we were getting a lot of we were seeing a huge uptick in traffic because that was a big get we were seeing a lot of good metrics we were averaging maybe about 750,000 downloads per episode and I was getting

Speaker 1 really

Speaker 1 I was getting emails from people from all over two or three guys one of them was in California.

Speaker 1 He told me his autism. He's lived with his mom his whole life.
And it really brightened his day to listen to me talk about dogs and

Speaker 1 stuff. And,

Speaker 1 you know, to know that I was making a difference in someone's life really felt good. That made it all worthy of it.
And

Speaker 1 so I emailed him back and I said, no, thank you. I appreciate it.
And he said, listen, I'm actually going to be in Fond du Lac.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 And And I was out on parole, and you know, I didn't have anything to do. And he was like, well, do you want to meet me

Speaker 1 at the drive-thru of

Speaker 1 fucking

Speaker 1 whatever the Midwestern version of Whataburger is? Right, right. And that guy raped me also.

Speaker 1 At Culver's.

Speaker 1 At Culver's, you had a nice custard in your system? Yeah, you had your cheese curds. Jim, I got to say, Palton, so now you're out of jail.
Yeah. When's the last time you were raped?

Speaker 1 How long has it been? Do you have one of those boards in your house that says zero days since getting raped? You know, I feel like that's a very personal question. Okay.
You've shared a lot.

Speaker 1 I don't think I can.

Speaker 1 I think it's outside of my Midwestern good grace. Your values.
My Midwestern value system. Well, listen, Jim, we're all having a good time hanging out.

Speaker 1 Do you maybe want to come back to my place after this? You know, I would love to, but I'm meeting with a potential investor down at the Econo Lodge on Route 40.

Speaker 1 Investor in what? Wait, you're meeting at the Route 40 and Puluski Highway in Rosedale, Maryland? Sure.

Speaker 1 You're going to get the pod back up and running? I'm going. There's a guy who might buy podcasting equipment for me, but he says I got to suck his dick to get it.

Speaker 1 And I think that's just an expression.

Speaker 1 That's probably an expression.

Speaker 1 Well, maybe another time, Jim. Maybe another time.
And that's how you burn 30 minutes. We're pretty good.
I love Jim. The guy can't stop getting raped from Fond du Lac.

Speaker 1 The car salesman. Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed this one as much as we did.
It's great to be back. It's great to be meek.
I plug Come.town to buy shirts, but those teas. They've stopped paying me.

Speaker 1 They just decided to not give me any of the money.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 But, you know, buy the shirts anyways, because I like them. Buy Buy the shirts.
Go to stopby.biz.

Speaker 1 I got enough money. Yes, sir.

Speaker 1 Those cock suckers can. What's up? No, nothing.
No, you're going to plug some of them. I just said go to stopby.biz slash tour, get tickets to the tour, get tickets to the, or buy some fucking shirts.

Speaker 1 Listen, I want to let you guys know I'm cooking up something real nice for the Stobby Baby 2022 calendar. You know it's coming out.
Took some pictures already for some cock.

Speaker 1 It's crazy, though. Full frontal nudity, though.

Speaker 1 We're entering the last quarter of this year already. It's wild, I know.
It's flown. I might show balls.

Speaker 1 I gotta have a family.

Speaker 1 I might show balls from the back. Literally, balls from the back.
Yeah, that's a good look. So look out for the 24th.
The balls from the back is tasteful. They call that the Westminster.

Speaker 1 The Westminster, yep. Balls from the back.
I might show balls from the back this year. Only one way to find out.
Stay tuned for that. But yeah.

Speaker 1 Adam, anything to plug?

Speaker 1 I'm going to be starting a family. Oh, wow.
I got to do that. But mine will be bad.
Mine's going to be just a nightmare. No, we're going to all respect it.
And then my child will be jealous of yours.

Speaker 1 We're going to start a band.

Speaker 1 We're going to start a band.

Speaker 1 Our family.

Speaker 1 Our family band? Yeah, we're going to be incredibly cringe.

Speaker 1 We're going to be the most hated family in America. Instead of the Westminster Westboro Baptist Church, it's going to be a family that's just trying to go viral on TikTok.
Okay, all right, all right.

Speaker 1 All right, bye.