Ep. 261 – I dunno man

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Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 folks, we did.

Speaker 1 I did that just tires. Yeah, you missed that.
We did about 30 seconds to the show. So it's kind of hard for us to come back from it.
We're all pissed.

Speaker 1 We lost 30 seconds of the show. This fun little thing we did about Just Tires, which

Speaker 1 it was racist. You want to try again? No, the magic swallow,

Speaker 1 the magic

Speaker 1 magic Johnson. That guy's name sounds kind of like he's got a great cock.

Speaker 1 That's interesting.

Speaker 1 He's got a magic. And it's almost like

Speaker 1 his cock, because it's magical, that's why he didn't die of AIDS. Well, he magically lost his AIDS.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's spelled M magic with a K, and he's a Satanist. Oh, he's doing black.
He's doing Aleister Crowley-style magic.

Speaker 1 Those black folks, they only got a couple of names, huh? It's either Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Michael B. Jordan, right?

Speaker 1 B. Jordan Jackson.
B. Jordan Jackson.

Speaker 1 B. B.
King, Martin B. B.
King, Martin B. B.
King Jr.

Speaker 1 Martin Lawrence King. Martin Lawrence King.
Lawrence of Arabia. Lawrence of Arabia.

Speaker 1 Who's actually black? Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 1 Saudi

Speaker 1 Myers. Saudi Myers.
Saudi Murphy. Saudi Murphy.
Saudi 5,000. Andre 5,000.
Right, right. Andre 7,000.
7,000.

Speaker 1 Andre 27. Iguadala.
Johnny 27. Johnny number 5.
Johnny number 12. Mambo number 5.
Lou Bega. Lou Bega.
That's another black. Lou Bagels.
Lou Bagels. No, he's not black.
He is black. He's not black.

Speaker 1 He's black. He's black.
He's not black. You know who I found out was the best.
Bagel boss.

Speaker 1 Bagel boss. Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel. No, not Vin Diesel.
President Warren G. Harding.
Mike Diesel. Nearly was black.
No, he wasn't. Yes, and he got a lot of pussy.
Everyone knows he got pussy.

Speaker 1 Warren G. Harding is another black name.
Warren G. Harding.
First of all, yes, Warner Brothers.

Speaker 1 Warren G was named after if you see the police, Warner Brothers. Warner Brothers.
That's black, black.

Speaker 1 The Tasmanian Devil.

Speaker 1 Sylvester the Cat, Six Flags. Yes.

Speaker 1 Brian Six, the comedian from Philadelphia. I don't know.

Speaker 1 he's black. Okay.
I'm pretty sure. That's awesome.

Speaker 1 He might be white, but

Speaker 1 it doesn't matter, man. Just keep saying things for an hour.
Keep free associating. Let's go.

Speaker 1 What were you saying? Warren G. Harding's black? I know that he wrote those letters about wanting to fuck his mistress.
Warren G.

Speaker 1 So it's a

Speaker 1 so he was so yes. So Warren G.
Harding was the first black president. Bill Clinton was the second, right? And then Barack Obama was at the most the third.
But Donald Trump was the first. Boo.

Speaker 1 The first one we treated like a boot.

Speaker 1 Was that a meme or is that something we joked about on the show? I don't know. This is a picture of Obama.

Speaker 1 It says, you know, like first black president, and then Donald Trump, and it says first N-word president. I've never seen that.

Speaker 1 No, maybe it was just something in my head that I was smiling about while in line at the ice cream truck.

Speaker 1 sounds like it man yeah but it's a it's a keen observation i'll give you that first of all look at the picture of this this is an african-american gentleman that's he's not black that's a black man not at all you know who is black is um brian

Speaker 1 from oh babe ruth babe ruth is dominican everyone says that and you know what i believe it yeah he was a k-lo k pop pee kind of guy babe ruth famous orphan was he yeah his parents gave him up for adoption because he was bad he's a bad boy and the only there was a priest who taught him baseball and saved his life.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was originally on the

Speaker 1 stories about the Catholic Church you don't hear. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Everyone wants to talk about when they fucked the kid in the ass.

Speaker 1 He taught the Bambino how to play. The great Bambino.
And yes, he did get fucked in the ass.

Speaker 1 You got to pay the cost to be the boss. That's exactly.

Speaker 1 As some might say. That's exactly.
And the cost. Hugo boss.

Speaker 1 That's the baus.

Speaker 1 On the Sunday episode, we were talking about great names.

Speaker 1 Hugo boss, one of the best names of all time. His name is Boss.

Speaker 1 Hugo boss? Damn, dude. I wish my name was fucking the designer famously of the Nazi uniforms.
Right. Is that true?

Speaker 1 I feel like that's another

Speaker 1 J Spiracy. No, it's not a J Spiracy.

Speaker 1 A what?

Speaker 1 A J Spiracy.

Speaker 1 I've never said the Nazis didn't dress slick.

Speaker 1 I've said a lot of other things that are bad about them, but not a lot of people. How about a movie called

Speaker 1 Monetary Report? And it's like minority report, but they have precogs that

Speaker 1 can tell if somebody's going to say something anti-Semitic. Right.
And they arrest people for it. It's sort of a dystopian future.
What does that have to do with money?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It factors in certain ways. Why is that the monetary report?

Speaker 1 Well, they have to pay them.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, the precocks are wealthy. Yeah, they live.

Speaker 1 Instead of a pool of water, it's the coin room from DuckTales. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm seeing a lot of stuff that says Warren G. Harding wasn't America's first black president, but I think that is,

Speaker 1 but you know, people, the barbershop, the shop, the cooking.

Speaker 1 When you're getting lined up, how about Warren Peace Harding? He's like, oh, Marshall, look at how big this book is.

Speaker 1 They have

Speaker 1 what's for breakfast?

Speaker 1 More cabbage. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you guys read War and Peace?

Speaker 1 Cover to cover.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've read every book ever. I read that book.
Especially The Russians.

Speaker 1 Dostoyevsky.

Speaker 1 Tchaikovsky. Toy Storyvsky, right?

Speaker 1 Toy Storeievsky? Yeah. That's my favorite Russian author.

Speaker 1 How about that? Have you ever read any...

Speaker 1 Oh, that's going to be a really gay. Go ahead.
No. It's too Have you ever read Chekhov?

Speaker 1 I've read plays. Reading plays.
No, I read like his short stories. Adam's reading plays.
No, you haven't. His short stories are all like the morals, but

Speaker 1 the morals are always really

Speaker 1 unfulfilling. You know, Chekhov, you know, his famous quote? What's that? Fuck you.

Speaker 1 He said that to you in particular. He said, to Adam Friedland.
No, that's not true. He was like, in a couple hundred years, there will be a lot of people.
Fuck you. Probably sounded weird.

Speaker 1 There was one guy that came came up with it. He was like getting bullied.
And he's like, fuck you.

Speaker 1 And people are like,

Speaker 1 you know, and they like laughed at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then an even bigger bully was like, actually, we are going. Then we are going to school.
That is cool. That is cool.

Speaker 1 And then everyone, the school was like, whoa. And he became the number two bully after the big bully

Speaker 1 co-signed fucking. Remember when everyone, do you guys, do you guys know this

Speaker 1 wives tale? I'm really embarrassed by what I just said about Chad. Yeah, no, it's good.
It's good that you are. That fuck.
Remember when everyone? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Do you guys, did people in your school say that fuck started when it was the king was giving permission? Fornicate under consent of the king? Yeah, everybody's heard that one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I asked you guys, have you heard it?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I still adhere to you only get pussy when the king tells you. Kings tell me when a bus.
Kings tell me when to fuck my wife. Are there any kings left? There's queen.

Speaker 1 I mean, I guess the Saudis, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they, well, they have, I don't know if they're kings. I guess they're kings.
Yeah, because they have princes.

Speaker 1 Damn, dude, look at that fucking beach.

Speaker 1 I know, it's nice. Island style.
Oh, by the way, guys, Funny Moms is. We're recording this a couple days ago, but Funny Moms is back tonight.

Speaker 1 Tonight and next week are going to be sold out. But please continue to check out.
Continue to buy for the future. But come on, everybody, website.
We are very excited about tonight.

Speaker 1 Getting back on stage and reconnecting with our gorgeous. I'm pretty tired, honestly.
Yeah, I'm already.

Speaker 1 I'm already tired of it. It might just be you, Adam.

Speaker 1 Are you going to have me get fucking slaughtered by these guys?

Speaker 1 It's going to be the same thing that would happen every time where I go, we host, and I think I'm going to do a spot, but then I get what I want out of hosting. No, just do a spot.
Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1 And now that I have to go back to Queens, I don't know if I'm

Speaker 1 ever coming back. And then you get up.

Speaker 1 I thought we were all gung-ho. No, now

Speaker 1 it's, it's, I'm going to turn it into me going through the newspaper and telling you what the real story is okay and we lock the doors and again I light a bunch of candles

Speaker 1 and then

Speaker 1 you know I really I blow people's minds sure and we got pyrotechnics also uh oh yeah might be might be a problem

Speaker 1 um we'll see who could have foreseen such a tragedy

Speaker 1 at the fireworks the government needs to let us have fireworks show

Speaker 1 yeah so um. Would you buy a gun if they let us buy guns here? In New York? Probably not.
If they, like, change, if the law radically changed. I don't see a reason to have one.
Because they're fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you can go to the firing range and fuck around with them, but you have to go to the house. Yeah, you can also go.

Speaker 1 You can also go buy a prostitute, but it's much funnier to own your own sex slaves. That's true.

Speaker 1 Make sex slaves chained up

Speaker 1 at the foot of the recorder, right? That's

Speaker 1 an ironclad argument. That's a great point, Nick.
It's much better to have a woman chained to your room. I prefer.
See, that's where we differ, dude. I prefer.
You have too much maintenance.

Speaker 1 You always have to get her pussy re-tightened at the pussy dock. Isn't it fun to have one in your house? You got to oil your own.

Speaker 1 You got to disassemble an oiler. Yeah, that's true.
I would rather just show up, fuck the prostitute, the prostitute owner.

Speaker 1 He's in charge of tuning her up. I like going to the...

Speaker 1 meeting up with the prostitute and having just a nice conversation about what her vibe is, who her guys are, doing kind of a WAC with it. Yeah, you hire prostitutes to make them call you Mark.

Speaker 1 You take him to a garage and you interview her. There's probably some shitty comic that's like, yeah, I started the theme is I interview prostitutes.

Speaker 1 There's a really bad, there's an artist guy that did a thing where he'd

Speaker 1 hire prostitutes and have them draw him. Draw him, how? Which I think is like.
And then he would probably sell their work for fucking

Speaker 1 dollars. Yeah, yeah.
What's his name? I forgot the guy's name. Garfield.
It's Jim Davis.

Speaker 1 Jim's Davis.

Speaker 1 That would be so awesome. If Jim Davis was getting prostitutes, it's just Jim Davis.
He's like, just fuck the prostitute. And she's like sprawled out on the bed.
And he's smoking a cigarette.

Speaker 1 And they're both laying there. And he's like casually just drawing Odie on her inner thigh.
Yeah. She's like, oh, Jim.

Speaker 1 You worked my fucking box over like you wouldn't believe. She's a local

Speaker 1 Wilmington, Indiana prostitute. Right, just drawing John Arbuckle's face on one of her ass cheeks for the sharpening.
I got a great idea, just sit still, dude. He brands them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how you know you got fucked by Jim's Davis. You got G'd.
You're fucking welcome. You're welcome, whore.
I'm worth $1.9 billion.

Speaker 1 Every time someone fucks your ass, they'll think about James. Yeah, they'll remember that Jimmy Arbuckle was here.

Speaker 1 This pussy, property property of Jim Davis. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 Who do you think fucked more, him or the guy who drew Family Circus? He just draws, he draws Garfield sitting facing on her inner thigh, but facing towards her knee.

Speaker 1 And Garfield's tail is just sort of shoved into her pussy.

Speaker 1 That would be awesome, dude. Garfield's just smiling.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would be awesome. Or a cat's tail could be pretty good at tickling a clit, you'd think.
Yeah. Yeah.
Garfield's big puffy tail. Puffy tail, tickling a clit.

Speaker 1 But what if the girl's allergic to cats? That's a great question. Then her clit would get itchy.
Yeah. But then scratching your clip probably feels good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like beating off at the more itchy, I guess. But wouldn't scratching your clit feel like beating off?

Speaker 1 Think about that. I mean, girls rub their clits.
That's what I'm saying. Do women do that?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Scratching their clits feels more like it would

Speaker 1 like it works, sure. Yeah, no, not till it bleeds at them, it's a light scratch, it probably feels good.
I don't understand what it's like to have

Speaker 1 nine-inch nails type of girls do that sort of stuff, these goth girls they have now, they do have goth girls.

Speaker 1 Can you believe that? I was reading about that, it is terrifying. These goth kids that they're trying to

Speaker 1 spook people, they want to scare people. Yeah, to me, you know what? Come and scary on Jenny Jones.
We've got some goth teenagers who say that they're

Speaker 1 they're snowballing,

Speaker 1 where they spit cum into each other's mouths. And you might think that has nothing to do with being goth, but they're doing it.
They're doing it. And they're doing it with black lipstick on.

Speaker 1 What a weird era. The Jenny Jones talk show era.
Yeah. I just wish I was in the audience where I could boo a kid.

Speaker 1 That was the point.

Speaker 1 When do you think society is going to get back to being afraid of youth culture? And will it be

Speaker 1 libs

Speaker 1 or

Speaker 1 fucking

Speaker 1 Twitter?

Speaker 1 It's like guys with like their entire bodies are fupas and they're 43 years old and they like Carly Ray Jepson like arguing. No, but those guys argue that

Speaker 1 the kids are like the kids today are so much smarter than the kids are all right. The kids are all right.

Speaker 1 They're all radical communists like me and not just someone that is living in the same time. It's my understanding as a fat-titted 43-year-old lib narcissist is that children now are

Speaker 1 living in the same exact culture I was

Speaker 1 20 years ago because I can only understand people as extensions of myself. And by the way, these kids, they think I am cool.
Yes. They would like to hang out with me.

Speaker 1 Why don't you just drink out of the bottle? What the fuck? Am I doing a straw?

Speaker 1 No, you're doing it in the dangerous what the fuck are you doing you're doing adam took out he finished his cold brew he has a bottle of water that he poured into the cup i like drinking out with the straw some of the wackiest stuff happens on this show dude you're really a fucked up guy you're really um what we call

Speaker 1 in the biz a pedophile no that's this has nothing to do with pedophilia in the business in the business dude it's a joke

Speaker 1 oh well it's a good thing in the biz you know if i could have dinner any historical figure of all time, Cheerios B.

Speaker 1 Cheerios B? Yeah. And we'd be having Cheerios for dinner.
In fact, now that I think about it, what I really want is just to have a bowl of Cheerios. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The B doesn't even need to be there. The B doesn't have to be there? Dinner with Hitler afterwards, but

Speaker 1 pregaming with Cheerios. A little bowl of Cheerios so I don't embarrass myself at dinner with Hitler.
Eating too fast. Eating too much.

Speaker 1 I have to go fully stuck. Because you know he's going to Adderall.
He's barely going to eat it. He's not going to be an Adderall vegan type bit.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to sort of picket my Caesar salad, maybe just one or two at the croutons. Of course.
And so Hitler respects me. And he'll be like, wow, he's not.

Speaker 1 And I'm like,

Speaker 1 tell me more about the beer hall push. And then I'd like to burp and throw up a little bit of Cheerios all over the table.
I'm like, that's from somebody else.

Speaker 1 That was before we got here. Now, in this case, are you trying to fuck Hitler? No, I just, you know,

Speaker 1 I mean, he's Hitler. He can send people.
He killed 6 million people. Right.

Speaker 1 You want him to think that he's cool. Yeah.
Yeah. He killed more than that? How many people will he kill? Well, you're not.
That number. All it costed 11 million.
We're talking about gypsies.

Speaker 1 We're talking about gay guys. Don't forget about it.
We're talking about communists.

Speaker 1 We're talking about a lot of people. All of us forget the gay guys.

Speaker 1 The pink triangle. The pink triangles.

Speaker 1 That would be a fun SNL sketch is to have, you know, it's like the gay people that were in the hallway. Yeah, where's gay is real? I mean, I guess it is.
That would be

Speaker 1 And maybe Bowen Yang can play that character. That would be very funny.
Yeah. He's very funny.
Really show his range. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can play a gay character in that.

Speaker 1 The sketch

Speaker 1 just to get that job and get fired immediately.

Speaker 1 How about the Holocaust? But they're killing gay Asian men.

Speaker 1 Let's see who should play that. They like, get out.

Speaker 1 The fat woman, the lesbian, the kid

Speaker 1 his dad died in 9-11, but he acts like he got raped.

Speaker 1 He acts like

Speaker 1 you could not be more molested than that by a plane going into a tower.

Speaker 1 Or, I feel like there's somebody.

Speaker 1 Anybody want to volunteer?

Speaker 1 I don't even want to typecast

Speaker 1 here, but perhaps there's somebody who it's in their wheelhouse or roundhouse you might say

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 they're like leave

Speaker 1 leave

Speaker 1 you've been mailing us this sketch for 10 years we don't we don't know how you got in sending them like little like like saw like the jigsaw tapes that say play me

Speaker 1 um so it's a gay chinese guy

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 but it's funny it's like it's jigsaw that's saw movies but it's a gay chinese

Speaker 1 gay guy and and there's like and it's a gay chinese guy and he's kidnapped by saw and they play the tape and he's like uh wear an outfit that just absolutely clashes in summertime oh

Speaker 1 or die or kill yourself and the gay guy is like he's throwing his prep pills away right he's uh

Speaker 1 you know he's he's he's trying to put a gun in his mouth, but he can't stop sucking it.

Speaker 1 He gets confused every time something goes in his mouth.

Speaker 1 That's why all his food has to be milkshakes. And who do we have that could play that?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm running out of tape, live or die.

Speaker 1 The choice is yours.

Speaker 1 And then someone in the writer's room is like, stop playing those tapes.

Speaker 1 Why do you keep playing those tapes? We know who it's from.

Speaker 1 It says every time it says Adam Friedland on the return of drone.

Speaker 1 That's Nick writing my address. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you know what I was just thinking at the beginning of that riff, right? So Jews got Israel after the Holocaust. What did the gay guys get? What did the gay guys get? They got the Castro district.

Speaker 1 What did the Gypsies get? The only reason they gave them the Castro was to be mean to Cuba.

Speaker 1 The Gypsies got the movie Slimmer.

Speaker 1 is that a good movie no no well that's a good one where they hit a gypsy with the car yeah whoa what the fuck yeah the guy hits the gypsy with the car and then he gets cursed yeah she goes oh thinner not slimmer thinner yeah um what else you know what they could get is some uh some fucking some crazy wallet no no no no wallet

Speaker 1 is what they could get

Speaker 1 yeah it's pretty fucked up that they the reparations for the Holocaust for gay guys

Speaker 1 was not a beautiful wallet from our friends at ridgewallet.com.

Speaker 1 And this is the kind of shit that it doesn't matter if you suck cock, you eat pussy, you get your ass stuffed, you get your pussy stuffed, you get your cock maybe put into another bigger cock, docking style.

Speaker 1 Whatever you're into sexually, Ridge Wallet has an option for you.

Speaker 1 If you're a big fat guy, they have the fridge wallet. They do have the fridge wallet, which we've covered in past episodes.

Speaker 1 So you can have just a little square, a credit card-sized piece of cheese that you pull out and

Speaker 1 food.

Speaker 1 That would help anybody carry their credit cards or money or anything like that. Remember that picture online of that fat bitch just eating a block of cheese?

Speaker 1 The fat woman in the wheelchair? Yes, that was awesome. With the box of cheese-it's in the back of the wheelchair, and she's just eating a block of cheese.
Respect to her. Yeah,

Speaker 1 respect to her, my sister. And she was also a valuable customer of

Speaker 1 a famous Greek woman. She's not Greek at all.
She was clearly an American. Her name was Athenos.
No.

Speaker 1 Athenos would be a man's name, you fucking idiot. Athena.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 What's her last name? Thanks for correcting me. What are the other Greek bitch names? Penelope.
Penelope's one, sure. Persephone.
Persephone's the other one.

Speaker 1 I knew a fat lady named Persephone. She was a dumb bitch.
How about the male version of Persephone is Walla to Sepherphan. That's right.
Walla to Persephone. And you can get the Wall at Ridge Wallet.

Speaker 1 In the answer to the question, how about that? I say, that's awesome. That's cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's really hitting all the notes for Sav. It's Greek.

Speaker 1 It's a wallet.

Speaker 1 And I got to say, I wasn't a big wallet guy before this. I used to just loosely carry shit in my pockets.

Speaker 1 He would keep his money under his breasts. I would not do that.
My breasts are not capable of holding one hand. He would keep all your wallet in his bra.

Speaker 1 I don't have a bra. I am jealous of women that do that.
That seems awesome. And my love and support to the big-titted community, of course, and to the regular,

Speaker 1 any titted community.

Speaker 1 I actually have no love for the regular titted or small-titted community. Okay, well, we know that

Speaker 1 for the small titty community.

Speaker 1 See, I like a small titty as well. I like all breasts.
That's neither here because you know what? I have that in common with them.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, you had a rough go with the small titted community.

Speaker 1 That's not it. You brought it up.
I'm saying that. You said I want to talk about

Speaker 1 shut up.

Speaker 1 Come on. Come on.
It's seven years ago. No.
Anyway, I hold no prejudice, even though there's one dumb bitch in that community.

Speaker 1 I personally, because I have something in common with them that I can't hold my money under my tits just like them. You also, I respect them.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 that's not what I have in common. My penis, if we're going to take it to the metaphor, the breast equals penis, which I would say it doesn't.
But if we're going to say that. It does.

Speaker 1 If we're going to say that, my dick is fine.

Speaker 1 It's fine. Thank you very much.
And you know what? It's even better when

Speaker 1 it's got a ridge wallet nearby. Because I don't know about you guys, but my dick has gotten bigger since I started putting a ridge wallet in my pocket.
Do you find that, fellas? Oh, yes, definitely.

Speaker 1 You get a little more hands.

Speaker 1 My dick has gotten a little bit bigger because

Speaker 1 it's sort of like

Speaker 1 you rise to the occasion of what you're only as good as your friends. Show me who your friends are, and I'll show you who you are.
What about the Midge wallet? And it's like, yeah, I'm a dumb bitch.

Speaker 1 And yeah, you know, I got my fucking wallet here. Some bitch named Midge.
That's right.

Speaker 1 And what I keep in here is extra condoms. Because I get fucked.
Because I, you know, I'm cheating on my husband, who's

Speaker 1 an elevator repairman with a different kind of elevator serviceman. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my husband handles the down stuff.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I handle all of the

Speaker 1 going when the other guy I'm fucking does up elevator moves. Okay.

Speaker 1 Kind of lost her voice there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I'm starting to sound like a fucking. I'm fucking both of them, don't you? Don't you fucking move.

Speaker 1 Start sounding like your Virgil impression. Oh, yeah.
Hey.

Speaker 1 I'm I'm Chinese.

Speaker 1 I am Chinese Midge.

Speaker 1 Wow. You're for Midge Wallet, aka RidgeWallet.com.
Another thing about me is that I'm gay.

Speaker 1 So anyway, that's Midge Wallet. But Ridge Wallet,

Speaker 1 you're cool.

Speaker 1 And it makes your peen.

Speaker 1 The point I was trying to make is it's around cool stuff, so your dick gets cooler. That's right.

Speaker 1 If you keep your wallet in your pocket next to your cock, your cock wants to impress the cool wallet, which is made of

Speaker 1 Nick has a gold one for Christ's sake. I have a fucking carbon steel fiber or whatever the fuck it's called.
These are high-quality ingredients, folks.

Speaker 1 This isn't your fucking gay-ass daddy's wallet. And this isn't something that's just, this is something that the great men of history have used.
Ernest Hemingway had a

Speaker 1 rich wallet. Ernest Hemingway had the sickest daily carry.
Oh, yeah, he definitely did. A compass, a different, like a stopwatch, a time piece,

Speaker 1 a little flask with

Speaker 1 E

Speaker 1 H

Speaker 1 monogrammed on it. Oh, very good.
Oh, wow. An Apple Watch.

Speaker 1 Mustache wax. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A jigger.

Speaker 1 A

Speaker 1 wooden comb.

Speaker 1 A multi-tool type of situation. Magnifying glass.

Speaker 1 A moleskin notebook that he would write all of his poems in, in, or whatever he did,

Speaker 1 a suspender repair kit. Oh, yeah.
He had all that kind of shit in his wallet.

Speaker 1 A flash drive with 30 Bitcoin on it. Whoa.

Speaker 1 That he kept in case of emergency. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He could sell that off for a bunch of whale blubber or whatever the fuck. And then a picture of Adam.

Speaker 1 Really? Really? A lot of people don't know that, but he carried a picture of

Speaker 1 Adam Friedland, famous serial harasser of the SNL program. I didn't harass nobody send him those tapes.
No, you sent the tapes and you wrote my address on it. Yeah, live or die.
Do the sketch or die.

Speaker 1 It's the movie Air Force One, but the president is gay and Chinese.

Speaker 1 Even by your standards, this is pretty lazy

Speaker 1 is what they wrote back that time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They usually follow up.

Speaker 1 You didn't even even let me get to.

Speaker 1 Maybe that could have gone somewhere.

Speaker 1 Don't underestimate me.

Speaker 1 What about a

Speaker 1 guy running for mayor?

Speaker 1 What's the difference? It's a guy. Last time Wilt Smith is gay.

Speaker 1 He's also Chinese.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Ur. Psychic ain't over till the fat lady sings.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Ur. Earth.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, if

Speaker 1 whatever, Ridge wallet, and you want a wallet, they also got other stuff. They got bags.
Bags,

Speaker 1 backpacks.

Speaker 1 They got backpacks. I can't really speak to how

Speaker 1 they got some good backpacks. What do you guys want to say about the big backpacks if you use them? Well, they got a slot for my power block.
And then I have a cord coming out of the power.

Speaker 1 How many times have you power on the job?

Speaker 1 used it about three times a week? Three times. The power block.
I've got a bunch of those lying around. I'm more of a let the phone kind of die guy.
No, I have to be at 100%.

Speaker 1 But I have a stack of power blocks from a failed relationship with a robot? With a robot. With a woman that constantly needed to charge her phone.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's the thing with these damn broads. These fucking whores.
They're always on one percent. They're charged.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 they always be texting other motherfuckers they're always be texting others saying

Speaker 1 that's what that's what done it they always they always text others i got a funny story about that but i'll tell you about it afterwards

Speaker 1 oh yeah me me too brother no no i got a good a good line i got from a guy who whose spot i'm not going to blow up okay but they said something very funny to me right well sorry guys that's an exclusive friendship tidbit

Speaker 1 you'll never be our friend.

Speaker 1 But what you want to do, though, is go to ridgewallet.com and use promo code ComeTown or ComeTown20, or maybe there is no promo code for Ridgewallet. We're not sure.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's RidgeWallet.com slash Cometown. Just whatever you do, make sure you do not buy the golden wallet because I was under the impression that was an exclusive for me.
Yeah, it's Nick's thing.

Speaker 1 So if you want to have the exact same wallet as Nick,

Speaker 1 do not copy me. In fact, that would make you cool.
And Nick is saying that right now, but he's holding up a sign that says whoever buys the gold one is my friend. So go out and buy it.

Speaker 1 And I will hang out with them. Not only that, I will riff with them.
And I will find what they say funny. And I'll go to central Ohio and riff.
So go to fucking

Speaker 1 Ridgewallet.com and figure that shit out, you fucking animals.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I really didn't get enough sleep last night, dude. Yeah, I never get enough sleep.
I sleep like three hours a night now. I slept that far.
And you know what's crazy?

Speaker 1 I turn the lights off at like, I get tired at 8 p.m. I lay down, turn the lights off,

Speaker 1 and then I just sit here and I'm like, Chinese toy store.

Speaker 1 And then I do every movie, every line from every movie.

Speaker 1 To infinity and good time, happy luck show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that

Speaker 1 Buzz would be saying that. Yeah, Chinese Buzz.
Chinese Buzz. Chinese Buzz.
Aren't they making a Lightyear movie, which is like what Buzz Lightyear, the action figure, is based off of?

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 That's so tricky. Well, they already did that.
There was an animated series. I hope he gets pussy.
There was a Buzz Lightyear animated series. Was there?

Speaker 1 Was Tim Allen as a series? Buzz Lightyear was voiced by Putty from Seinfeld. That's awesome.
If I remember. Not Tim Allen? He didn't collect.
No, Tim Allen voices the action figure.

Speaker 1 Fuck what? Idiot.

Speaker 1 He's the voice of the action figure. He's not the voice of the actual Buzz Light yet.
Oh, there's a real guy.

Speaker 1 Idiot, dude.

Speaker 1 Is this embarrassing for you to be this wrong in front of this man? Almost as embarrassing as the Chekhov thing from earlier. I don't know why I keep calling back to that.

Speaker 1 What's more embarrassing is imagining Adam before the show saying, I'm going to bring up Chekhov and then pretend to be embarrassed. Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 So honestly, I've never practicing him.

Speaker 1 To show humility. Practicing being like, oh, I can't believe I said that.
I was on a

Speaker 1 drive-over,

Speaker 1 re-rending somebody, practicing his false humility. By the way, he's never read it either.
He's never read it. No, I did not read it.
I was on a

Speaker 1 Wikipedia page. No.
That said Chekhov also wrote short stories.

Speaker 1 I was on a three-hour

Speaker 1 girlfriend. She said, do you want to listen to some Chekhov short stories? I said, all right, let's go.
And now blaming your girlfriend. Yeah, blaming your girlfriend.
So the whole.

Speaker 1 He should be reading stuff like that because she's seven years old she's not seven years old also seven year olds shouldn't be reading that stuff they should be reading nicer stuff checkoffs for like clifford the big red dog

Speaker 1 with the big red cock yeah that'd be how red and how big is

Speaker 1 every regular dog's dick

Speaker 1 every regular dog's dick is pretty red clifford goes to uh to brooklyn

Speaker 1 and then there's a little italian guy on each page that's like look how fucking big this fucking dog is

Speaker 1 you ever seen a fucking he's just turning a child turning the page look at the fucking size of this fucking page. And look at his fucking cock.
And the next one, yeah. Jesus fucking Christ.
I see.

Speaker 1 He's like a four-year-old flipping the page.

Speaker 1 Clifford goes to bro. Does Clifford do stuff? I don't remember what.

Speaker 1 He's just...

Speaker 1 I don't remember. I mean, I remember being inundated by Clifford Media as a child.
Sure. He was hot.
He was hot. Clifford was like a good guy and helped and saved things.

Speaker 1 But he had to live outside the house. Yeah, he could look too big.
He was too damn big.

Speaker 1 Which is fucked up. I remember being more

Speaker 1 impressed with the color of Clifford than the size of the dog. Right.
A red dog is cool. Yeah, and I remember wishing so bad that I could have a red dog.

Speaker 1 That would be awesome. Yeah.
I never had that desire, but I respect that you did. Yeah, just a dog that's a color like that, like blue or green.
Imagine having a neon green dog.

Speaker 1 That would be pretty badass. You could have a neon green dog.
Neon green dog wearing Oakley is pretty sick. Just imagine that.
I'm doing it and and my dick's getting hard.

Speaker 1 About Oakley Carmichael, and he's like, We need a country just for people with Down syndrome. Why is

Speaker 1 Oakley Carmichael retarded? Well, that's your words.

Speaker 1 No, I think

Speaker 1 cool guys wear Oakley.

Speaker 1 We want to create a future for mentally retarded people of all syndromes.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 It's called Pan Down, Pan Down, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 1 I remember on Pans Down

Speaker 1 on the show Dog the Bounty Hunter, they had special Oakleys that had like

Speaker 1 ears. How about Downs the Candy Owner?

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 So, what would that go like? He's trying to arrest candy. Yeah, he's like,

Speaker 1 We just got a report that there's a bunch of Peanut MM's down by the

Speaker 1 down by the Ron John Surf shop.

Speaker 1 Somebody buried Peanut MMs in the sand. Let's go! And they rush out, and then he's just sitting on a public bus with a siren strapped to his head.

Speaker 1 Woo!

Speaker 1 He's like up front.

Speaker 1 How you doing, folks? We got this under control.

Speaker 1 No need for alarm. Please speed it up.
Mr. Bus driver.
Please drive past.

Speaker 1 If I have to show you my candy hunting license, I will.

Speaker 1 I'm a law enforcement officer.

Speaker 1 Do you have to have a license to bounty hunt? They have like a fake license that I don't know if it's real. Yeah.
always like the vaccine card.

Speaker 1 He always showed a badge that

Speaker 1 I don't know

Speaker 1 where that came from.

Speaker 1 How much is a bounty worth, dude? How much is a dog get guy, motherfucker? Depends, dude. In the old West, you can get $200

Speaker 1 for like multiple child rappers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That used to be a lot of money back then, bro.
$200.

Speaker 1 Oof, I'm out on that. I just watched For a Few Dollars More.

Speaker 1 Was that triggering for you to read the title? What?

Speaker 1 Is that like real stressful?

Speaker 1 To have to read the title and everything. That's what led me.

Speaker 1 He's like, this sounds like the scariest movie of all time. I'm tired of this anti-Semitic media.
This is one of the most horrifying movies. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I made a choice. I saw Fist Bullet Dollars, the original.

Speaker 1 That was another one.

Speaker 1 I would love that. I saw another one called For a Few Dollars More, and I was like, well, that sounds like a better deal.
No.

Speaker 1 For a few dollars more. Oh, I guess in your head you were selling something.
No, it's even more money in this one. Nice.

Speaker 1 That's also that's also that was also triggering because it reminded you of when you were

Speaker 1 negotiating with a gay prostitute. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 They're particularly stingy.

Speaker 1 Damn, I kind of want a Snickers bar. Oh, I got a little Snickers bar for you, dude.
I I got a little fun size. Do you? I got a little fun size.
Halloween. Yeah, it's a weird.

Speaker 1 It's funny that the only two sides that have names are king and small. Or it's king and fun.
Fun.

Speaker 1 And then everything in between. What is that? It should be like that with penis.
It is, basically.

Speaker 1 Huge dick little dick. Big dick eyes.
As everything else. King dick.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's really no more pathetic size of dick than slightly above average. I agree.
No. That really is worse.
I agree. Just barely average is a lot better.

Speaker 1 Honestly, it is.

Speaker 1 It is. It's slightly above average.
Why is it better?

Speaker 1 For psychological reasons. Yeah.
That's like a guy that wants to tell you about the Volkswagen he just bought. Yeah, but it's not like.

Speaker 1 Like Consumer Reports said that it's a really good deal. Shut up.

Speaker 1 Right, right. Because when your dick is barely serviceable, you have no ego around it.
None. So you're just a service.
Your cock is there to serve the pussy.

Speaker 1 Whereas if your dick is barely a little bigger, then you're like a guy who was really good at football in high school but couldn't play in college.

Speaker 1 Not even really, just happen to be on the football team. Right, but still talk about it.
They needed guys, you know.

Speaker 1 They just needed to fill out the wrong. Whereas my dick is Rudy.
You know what I mean? Yeah. My dick is Charles F.
Stutton in that movie. I haven't seen it, actually.

Speaker 1 He's the janitor

Speaker 1 of Rudy.

Speaker 1 The males are the same.

Speaker 1 Let's Rudy live in like a shack or something. I have not seen Rudy in a million years.
Yeah, I think I watched it at the doctor's office when I was like a kid, but it doesn't count as having seen it.

Speaker 1 The movie kind of sucks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't. I mean, again, I don't know.
I remember it getting me real hyped.

Speaker 1 For what? You never played sports? Well, just when he makes that tackle. For sitting on the bench in Little League, you little bitch.
I wasn't sitting on the bench, bro.

Speaker 1 I worked my way into the in-house. He's sitting on

Speaker 1 the bottom.

Speaker 1 race. Don't erase.

Speaker 1 He's like,

Speaker 1 this is about teamwork. Adam,

Speaker 1 Adam, you're off the bench. We got a special seat for you.

Speaker 1 I was the middle infielder, baby. Which one? Second.
Not as cool.

Speaker 1 Shortstop. Shortstop is cooler.
Yeah. It's got the coolest name.

Speaker 1 How many errors did you have?

Speaker 1 Listen, dude.

Speaker 1 I started my athletic career. My parents put me in baseball because they thought it was the American sport.

Speaker 1 And I was picking pansies out in the outfield, wearing the outfit. Of course.
And then I decided I didn't want to suck anymore.

Speaker 1 And I worked my way into the infield. And then I had to retire

Speaker 1 to go to Israel in the future. In ninth grade, no.
In ninth grade, I had to retire.

Speaker 1 For the IDF doing

Speaker 1 social media campaigns.

Speaker 1 You ran the IDF.

Speaker 1 That's not what has no.

Speaker 1 That's not. That isn't what.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. What song did you say? You're learning to code.
All right, I'm not going to finish it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You, you put an ACDC song. You said the IDF Adam was in the guide the L.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was. No, it's not true.
That's what I heard. They're saying a lot of false things about me on this show.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. No, I don't know about any of the other episodes, but this one has a lot of false stuff.

Speaker 1 No, dude. How about the IDF?

Speaker 1 But instead of

Speaker 1 Israel is a bunch of gay Chinese guys.

Speaker 1 Live or die.

Speaker 1 Who's playing the tapes?

Speaker 1 Is that a new tape?

Speaker 1 I went to go see. We went to go see the new Chris Rock saw movie.
Oh, how was it?

Speaker 1 That was a fun night with the whole crew. It was a bad.
I love that Stephen left after 10 minutes to go drink by himself at a bar. He went to go drink by himself.
Respect that move.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was quite bad. It was pretty bad.
It was terrible. It was

Speaker 1 one of the worst. Chris Rock is like so bad at acting, and now he's old, and I guess maybe going crazy.
He's not cool. He's cool.
Yeah, but

Speaker 1 outside of not being cool, he's like,

Speaker 1 he's just sort of like incapable of acting. Yeah.
Yeah, he's, I mean, I loved. As a kid, I would watch all his movies.
I would go to the theaters and watch them. I loved Down to Earth.

Speaker 1 Down to Earth was my favorite one, but it was so bad. Tiger Tiger Woods, y'all.
What's the one?

Speaker 1 What's the one where it's in DC and he's president? Head of state? Head of state.

Speaker 1 Bernie Mac is his vice president. Yeah, Bernie Mac's great in that movie.
He's great in everything. In that movie, I saw a guy getting a blowjob.
Chris Rock just like...

Speaker 1 And then you looked him in the eyes and you're like, am I doing a good job?

Speaker 1 Maybe it's also because

Speaker 1 he has so much presence in Bring the Pain, and he seems

Speaker 1 so powerful in his performance and that. And bigger and blacker.
That when he does,

Speaker 1 when he acts, it's like he just seems incredibly uncomfortable. Yeah, he's just not, it's tough because you'd think he would at least be passable, but he's just not a good idea.

Speaker 1 It's funny because everything he does in acting, it feels like he's delivering a bit, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 That's true, he reads lines with like bit delivery kind of cadence, yeah, um, where there's already some idea that he knows he's going to get to, and he's using like written language to get to the idea, right?

Speaker 1 Rather than it seeming like a performance

Speaker 1 moment. Yeah, exactly.
And guys, if you want to see real acting, go to the Come Town web series. I guess

Speaker 1 the point I was going to make was

Speaker 1 he's now kind of entering like Nicholas Cage territory.

Speaker 1 And it's just barely there, yeah, where he's like sort of detached. There's a couple of scenes in that saw movie where he just like seems psychotic.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it makes it kind of good and a little bit. But he's nothing on Full Cage.
Yeah. Well, Nicholas Cage has been perfecting neo-shamanism for.
Yeah. Dude, Vampire's Kiss is incredible.

Speaker 1 The color from Outer Space,

Speaker 1 the Richard Stanley movie that he did.

Speaker 1 Oh, recently. Yeah.
Richard Stanley from Kiss? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's Paul Stanley. Yeah.
That's the star guy. Axel Foley directed that.

Speaker 1 But what also could happen is you could get a Kratom or something. Yeah, you would have to get that.
All right, that's exciting. In fact, there's a specific way he could get it

Speaker 1 that I think Stav

Speaker 1 might naturally want to.

Speaker 1 I would love to naturally talk about some of the benefits of Kratom

Speaker 1 from our friends

Speaker 1 at Super Speci Speciosa. Super Speciosa, which you can purchase at getsuperleaf.com slash Cometown.
Getsuperleaf.com slash Cometown. Promo codes baked into the URL, folks.
And that's nothing.

Speaker 1 That's beautiful. It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, Kratom is awesome. It's a great,

Speaker 1 it's 100% all-natural, one ingredient, Kratom leaf, baby. That's Super Speciosa's promise.
Kratom can help improve your mood, deliver energy, and reduce pain. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 Kratom helps people feel better. I'm not kidding you, pal.
Don't fuck. If you're kidding me, I'm going to be pissed off.
I'm not kidding you.

Speaker 1 Kratom is also used to relieve stress and take the fucking edge off wow I love that every batch of super speciosa has a QR code to scan and view the exact lab certificates so you know you're getting high quality product if you're not completely satisfied here's the another beautiful aspect super speciosa will give you your money back

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 Here's here's a couple things I was thinking about. You know, Kratom gives your whole body energy, but

Speaker 1 for some people, it's like coffee for your cock

Speaker 1 or your pussy.

Speaker 1 If you're tired from all the sex you've been having,

Speaker 1 or your vagina, taking super speciosa could energize you to fuck like a god.

Speaker 1 Kratom is, in fact, a cousin of the coffee plant. I don't know if you know that.
So it's like a little latte for your balls.

Speaker 1 Are you an aging millennial? New aches and pains? Kratom is great for pain relief. If you hurt your back, pull a muscle from all that fucking unwind with a glass of kratom tea.

Speaker 1 I can't tell you how how many times. Nice big fat glass of mud.
I can't tell you how many times I have been balls deep in some gash and

Speaker 1 I've thrown my back out

Speaker 1 because, like I said, I have an average penis and I have to get wild with the positions to make it really do some work. I've figured them out.
Make it do any work at all. No, no, no.
It does work.

Speaker 1 They can even barely feel it. No, they feel it, okay? But I'm talking.
The weight of his body. The weight of my body.

Speaker 1 Sometimes the weight of my body as well. You know what? Some women are into that.
I'm sure they are.

Speaker 1 Women's dream sex is being crushed by that boulder from Raiders of the Lost. Honestly, for some of them, it is.
That's what they want, is they want to be chased down an alley by a giant boulder.

Speaker 1 And have a boulder, have a five and three-quarters go right into their

Speaker 1 easily. Just with no stress, no mess.
A woman's dream.

Speaker 1 A woman's dream relationship

Speaker 1 is the first level of Super Mario 64, where they climb a mountain and then there's a bomb with a mustache that keeps crushing them, just lying on them, eventually

Speaker 1 throwing them off of the mountain.

Speaker 1 And that's the mythology of the feminine

Speaker 1 ethos. Ethos.
If you're only into... So hold on.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 Yeah, after I fuck like that, that's what I like to do. I get a glass of Kratom tea.
Go ahead, Adam. If you're only into jerking it and

Speaker 1 wrist injury and you need a little extra push to get to Comtown, Super Speciosis Kratom will get you there. That's right.
Come easy and hard with Kratom. That's right.

Speaker 1 So if your wrist hurts, then you can take Kratom and it's going to be hard to

Speaker 1 help you finish to jack off. Kratom is the secret supplement that influencers don't want you to know about.

Speaker 1 Why are these fucking influencers? Why are these damn?

Speaker 1 why are they keep in mind we're not influencers we're not we're not influencers jake paul we encourage you to think for yourself exactly so do the research do the research go to superspeciosa.com and decide whether you want an experimental mnra vaccine or if you want kratom

Speaker 1 uh to drink for that's right to make you feel better about uh the plant the scam demic yep

Speaker 1 that's kratom kratom also helps you write jokes i imagine this is why you're so damn funny.

Speaker 1 That's true for us, yep.

Speaker 1 We all fucking snorted a bunch of Kratom before today's episode, that's for sure.

Speaker 1 So look, I mean, there's a lot of other stuff here to talk about. You know, Kratom comes in a tea, powder, and capsules that you can put anywhere.
Anywhere, folks.

Speaker 1 Your pocket, your backpack, suitcase, they're great for on the go. You can put them in your asshole.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Listen, and we have all got that residual covet blues super speciosa can pull you out of your rut for example you could take it and like we discussed earlier you could jack off

Speaker 1 even though your wrist hurts you could use it for so you can keep jacking off southeast asians have been using kratom to reduce pain and raise energy levels for centuries they're all they're also

Speaker 1 they are also are in great they're also in great shape southeast mouthfeast asia mouthfeast asia yeah they got a bob they got a Bob Evans down there and they're doing

Speaker 1 a big breakfast for everybody who's trying to stop Asian hate. That's right.
Stop Asian Hate at 8. Nick at Knight's Stop Asian Hate series.
We have every episode of the Charlie Chan

Speaker 1 those movies.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Charlie Chan? Charlie Chan.
Who's that? It was a white guy that

Speaker 1 I can't remember the name. Okay.
Well, look, what's important is that Super Speciosa wants you to come again with unlimited use of their 20% off promo code, which is Cometown.

Speaker 1 So go to get Superleaf.com slash Cometown for 20% off your entire order. Promo code Cometown for 20% off.

Speaker 1 So, that's what you want to do, folks. And boy, oh, boy, are we excited to keep doing Kratom?

Speaker 1 And we want you to do it too from Super Speciosa. Damn, Stingray's got to be the laziest fucking animal that God ever made.
And they took our guy from us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just like a big-ass frog with flaps and a horseshoe crab tail.

Speaker 1 I don't trust them, personally.

Speaker 1 They seem chill, though. They have a spike, though, and their tail is like a spike, no? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Stingray, bro. That's what Stingray is from.

Speaker 1 Oh, I also want to say, I said on last week's episode I would be doing Stopby Solves Your Problems again this Wednesday today. However, I got tickets to see the Knicks instead.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to game two of the NBA playoffs. So Stopi Solves Your Problems will be coming back monthly next week.
Damn, I should get tickets to do something.

Speaker 1 Nah.

Speaker 1 Nah.

Speaker 1 I changed my mind to meet you. Nah, fuck that.
Yeah. In fact, what I will do is go to patreon.com slash Come Town and sign up

Speaker 1 for the premium episodes of the show. The entire archive of premium episodes.

Speaker 1 Is it starting to become clear to you that we check out about halfway through

Speaker 1 regular episodes? Well, you might want to get your hands on the ones we do in the morning right after I've had all my cigarettes. Right.
And let's just say we record that one first, and it was better.

Speaker 1 Every episode, I get the second dose of the Pfizer, or as I call it, the Liser. Oh, the Liser.
The Liser or

Speaker 1 Homoderna.

Speaker 1 Homoderna. What would they be calling it?

Speaker 1 They always have fun.

Speaker 1 They always have funny names for things.

Speaker 1 I haven't even looked at the

Speaker 1 wheelhouse. Liser.
Liser's good. They probably say that.
Liser Manelli. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? It makes you sing. Yeah.
Moderna, what's in it?

Speaker 1 That's right. You got to do a Down syndrome.

Speaker 1 The Moderna.

Speaker 1 everybody taking the Moderna vaccine,

Speaker 1 but Mo don't know Mo. My name's Mo.
Mo don't know what's in there. Mo don't know what's in there.
Mo don't know what's in there.

Speaker 1 You can take that to the bank. What about the Madonna vaccine? The Madonna, yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, copyright this, and she's just pulling her pussy wide open. That's infringe on this copyright.

Speaker 1 And her pussy's farting a nice long cleave. queef.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, love the pop at the end.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just 15 minutes of her

Speaker 1 Madonna's pussy farting

Speaker 1 a lot of people like how we knock celebrities down a peg on the show

Speaker 1 It was only a matter of time before we found her in our crosshairs Yeah, sorry Madonna. Sorry Madonna.

Speaker 1 I do like some of your songs, but your pussy's farts.

Speaker 1 I heard a song the other day that I really liked. What was it? It's like her Asian-sounding song.

Speaker 1 Oh, I Want to Be Ninja? No. I don't think that was Madonna.
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 I want to be Ninja. I don't believe that was.

Speaker 1 That's Madonna. I think it's called Time to Say Goodbye.

Speaker 1 You know, it would be great to do an Asian version of Madonna,

Speaker 1 but he's also gay.

Speaker 1 That'd be great. That'd be a fun sketch.
That would be awesome.

Speaker 1 I found a... Everybody, the choice is yours.

Speaker 1 I found

Speaker 1 a

Speaker 1 Yingwei Malmstein song with a little Asian flair.

Speaker 1 In front of you is a pitch for a sketch. It's a new Disney movie, but the princess is gay in Chinese.

Speaker 1 They're like, why is this saw-themed? You've never killed any of us. You've You've never even threatened us.
We're pretty sure we know who you are.

Speaker 1 We're not the cops. We're not the cops.
Police stop trying to arrest you.

Speaker 1 Dude, how about those flutes?

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 Oh, this is doing it.

Speaker 1 Dude, I've just been just smashing.

Speaker 1 It sounds like Metallica. No, it doesn't.
Yeah. Shut up.

Speaker 1 I'm Chinese.

Speaker 1 Chinese man

Speaker 1 I'm Chinese

Speaker 1 Every day

Speaker 1 doing mouth karate

Speaker 1 eating catch

Speaker 1 I'm Chinese

Speaker 1 I'm Chinese

Speaker 1 I'm being Chinese

Speaker 1 Damn, dude, this is a fucking banger name.

Speaker 1 Let's get to the fucking guitar parts. What is this? It's Yingve Malmstein from the album Eclipse.
It's more of a romantic. This is the kind of shit they'd sell at like the Discovery Channel store.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 It's less Asian now. It's less Asian, yeah.
It was just the pipes, but it's a power ballad now.

Speaker 1 I'm still Chinese. I'm Chinese.
I'm still Chinese. My biggest small.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 I'm my bow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Check out Yingfei Malmstein's album, Eclipse.
It's pretty romantic compared to a lot of his other stuff that's more about

Speaker 1 fantasy battles between

Speaker 1 different realms.

Speaker 1 He also released recently a single, Wolves at the Gate, which is very good.

Speaker 1 Do they let them in? They don't. You know what?

Speaker 1 Who are we kidding here? Why don't we have a little bit of

Speaker 1 play wolves at the gate?

Speaker 1 Or watch our wolves at the door.

Speaker 1 Oh, they're at the door. Yeah, Madonna's like, why don't the wolves try to enter this door?

Speaker 1 They're blown back.

Speaker 1 Dude, this looks cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Now, this is music. This is just like the Power Rangers team.

Speaker 1 This is 2021 Yankee Bay Mountains team, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Wow.
Yeah, I've just been listening to that getting jacked, dude. That's pretty sick.
Getting fucking energized.

Speaker 1 Doing fucking curls. Doing very light curls and hurting my forearm.

Speaker 1 I wonder if I haven't checked in on the adjustable dumbbells since the pandemic started, but I feel like they haven't been restocked yet. They're probably restocked.

Speaker 1 There was a real run on those and pull-up parts.

Speaker 1 I got to start exercising or something again. I took a long break and just switched to doing drugs.

Speaker 1 That's the yin and the yang of life, though, my brother. Honestly, though,

Speaker 1 I feel like I haven't been depressed in

Speaker 1 six months.

Speaker 1 I don't know about that. No, I really feel like fine.
It's hard to describe what's feeling fine because it feels like nothing.

Speaker 1 What do you think is better than feeling depressed or feeling fine? Well, obviously feeling fine is better. All right, I was just checking, but it's confusing

Speaker 1 It is confusing because it's like how you you know, you know, I'm not like happy right right right. I just don't want to kill myself.
Yeah, it's just you know, it's a nice day out

Speaker 1 probably want to get stuff done, but I won't. But that's because I'm a lazy piece of shit.
Right, which is separate from

Speaker 1 damn, look at the fucking

Speaker 1 yeah, look at the

Speaker 1 Santa Monica pier? I don't know, but it looks cool. That's where I'm from, dude.
No, you're not. That's the pier I grew up on.
No. I was born in St.
John's Hospital, Santa Monica.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they told you that, but what you actually grew up on was a pier, which is a penis.

Speaker 1 It was a long penis that extended into. Why don't you take a long walk

Speaker 1 off a short

Speaker 1 penis? Penis, yeah. Why don't you take a long suck off my short dick? Why don't you take a bomb?

Speaker 1 Why don't you take a long suck on my short dick? Hey, pal.

Speaker 1 Hey, pal.

Speaker 1 I like that. Yeah, that's my new motto, dude.
Don't put that on business cards.

Speaker 1 You take a long suck off my short cop.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
It's got a nice sound to it. Nice flavor.
Brand new flavor in your ear.

Speaker 1 Well, folks, this episode is brought to you by Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. It's the cheesy episode.
You don't know what to feed your family tonight? Neither do we, but this is something. Yep.

Speaker 1 Something you could feed them

Speaker 1 you could put tuna in it make it nick style how did you know about that that's nick's favorite style yeah tuna tuna hot sauce a little bit of craft macaroni and cheese now you're cooking with pussy

Speaker 1 that's right now you're sucking with dick oh yeah now you're sucking with pricado now you're now you're fucking with uh whatever yeah

Speaker 1 are chinese people still playing ping pong absolutely oh yeah they've been playing throughout the pandemic

Speaker 1 Actually, that's why they let it escape from the lab. To give them extra time to practice.
To give them practice time.

Speaker 1 So they'd be ready for the 2021 Olympics? Oh, they are going to dominate. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they found out. Japan's trying to stop if from having

Speaker 1 a lot of cat cases and shit. It would be very cool for the pandemic to end and then China to announce to international media that they're having

Speaker 1 that they've been able to reschedule. You know, they're opening back up, and the first big thing they're doing is the 827th annual Bat Eating Festival.

Speaker 1 That would make a lot of people nervous. The Pangolin Soup Festival.
Pangolin souffle. Who's trying to get some? Yeah.
Is that penguin? No,

Speaker 1 it's a disgusting-looking animal that they

Speaker 1 got COVID from. It's not a penguin? No, it's a Pangolin.
It's not like the Penguin. Which sounds like an annoying girl in the world.
The Batman villain.

Speaker 1 Pangolin. It's a Chinese, it's a gay Chinese version of Penguin.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 What do you think? I'm going to eat you, Batman. Yeah, who do you think should do a sketch about that?

Speaker 1 You've got one. You've got one minute to come up with the answer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a pangolin looks like a fucking artichoke fucking anteater. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I cannot believe they eat these motherfuckers, dude. How about the show?

Speaker 1 The magic school boss. But Miss Frizzle is gay and Chinese.

Speaker 1 What if they actually make one of those sketches? They probably will.

Speaker 1 What if I just, what if I pitched everything,

Speaker 1 but you do a gay Chinese swap? So no matter what. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They have no. We're calling dibs on it as well.
We call dibs on all of them.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 God damn, I gotta fucking piss. This sucks, dude.
I got a good night's rest the other night, and then I'm at home. I'm watching basketball.
I can't fall asleep yesterday. Dude, I'm not going to.

Speaker 1 Do I got to start doing drugs to sleep? Yes, that's... Yes.
I think it's time for waiting for me. I got a good night's rest last night.

Speaker 1 Does anybody have a fucking...

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Oh, it's boring.
Does anybody have a Kolanopin hookup? Because I always sleep like a baby on either Kolanopin or something. Yeah, but I don't think it's muscle relaxer.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's proper sleep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think when you take a benzo, I don't think it's prop. Like, I don't think it's...
Who says that?

Speaker 1 I don't think it's the restful sleep it always feels like it is it always feels great but some yeah it always feels incredible

Speaker 1 what about muscle relaxers that's not benzos

Speaker 1 before bed muscle relaxers and benzos if you have muscle relaxers or benzos

Speaker 1 hit me up the best one is just drinking a bottle of nyquil before bed oh yeah well you need to sleep for two days you feel terrible when you wake up after that you just do like

Speaker 1 a vampire when you get up from that one

Speaker 1 It's like 7 p.m. the next day.
When I take a Xanax before bed, I wake up sweaty. Velcome to my ass.

Speaker 1 Welcome to my ass.

Speaker 1 Velcome to my penis and ass.

Speaker 1 How about Dracula? And he's like,

Speaker 1 guess what kind of Dracula I am?

Speaker 1 That's a great question, man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck my ass. Instead of Bramstroker's Dracula, it's Bat Eater's Dracula.
I was going to say Cockstrokers. How about Dracula gets eaten by a Chinese guy when he's in bat mode?

Speaker 1 Do you become a vampire then?

Speaker 1 Instead of, what's his name, Van Helsing?

Speaker 1 It's Chan

Speaker 1 Helsing? Chin.

Speaker 1 Don't Chin. Don't do it.
Don't.

Speaker 1 No. Just leave it at Chan.
No, I think so. Hold on.

Speaker 1 I'm afraid I think I can see

Speaker 1 you're gonna land. Come on.

Speaker 1 No. I know you're worried about the singing part.

Speaker 1 I know that. We just, it's a fucking, what'd you call it?

Speaker 1 The Tony Hinchlift thing just happened.

Speaker 1 We got to have another week or two of fucking good boys

Speaker 1 and only targeting one guy that was a writer and now a performer for SNL.

Speaker 1 You're listening to the whistling podcast

Speaker 1 new whistles, new types of whistles every week.

Speaker 1 What's that song called, Soph?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 yes. Wow, I like you put a little bit of English on that.

Speaker 1 Next week we'll be record we'll be broadcasting live

Speaker 1 from

Speaker 1 the the Newcastle, Delaware Whistling Festival.

Speaker 1 Socially distanced, vaccinated, masked down so the whistles work. Oh, that's true.
It's been. Masks have devastated the professional whistling industry.

Speaker 1 I've been triple masked all year and unable to whistle, and it's been hell for me.

Speaker 1 What's the song called? Oh, I know that song.

Speaker 1 Adam's Got a Little Penis.

Speaker 1 No, whistles only, sir. Nope.
No, you can't sing at a whistle. Thank you for tuning into the whistling podcast, guys.
We'll be back next week.

Speaker 1 And as always, for the good version of the show, patreon.com slash come town.

Speaker 1 And go to stavi.biz. I got some shows coming up.

Speaker 1 Me and Adam will be doing a show at the

Speaker 1 Slipper Room on a Tuesday of some kind. And I'll be at Union Hall with Ian

Speaker 1 Fighten 622.

Speaker 1 Tomorrow, it's already sold out, but me and Nick will be at the stand of Fat Tuesdays.

Speaker 1 But, you know, whatever, man. Just keep a fucking eye out.
You know,

Speaker 1 do some stuff. Keep checking for those funny bombs tickets.
More will be going on sale soon. We're excited.
I know this already happened. We're excited to see everyone.
We're not excited.

Speaker 1 I'm only at it. I'm excited to see everyone.