Ep. 233 – God’s Earth

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We're playing.

Yeah, so

it's like me at like a park bench, and I've got a blindfold on one of those little chess clocks.

And I like, I pull my pants down and I tie my balls on top of my dick and then shove my dick in my ass.

And I hit the chess clock and I go, sharp shooter!

People are like, yeah, he was in Vietnam.

Yeah, he was in Vietnam.

He was the best at putting his dick balls in and out of his ass.

Yeah, that guy's a veteran.

I thought you meant chest clock, like a flavor flavor.

I just remember that.

There was a scene in

your rifle together, right?

But the yelling sharpshooters from

that Hulu miniseries about Le Hugo Oswald.

Oh, I never saw that.

I never watched it.

It's good.

It's James Franco.

It's based on some Stephen King book.

Oh, isn't that you go back in time?

Yeah, Chris Cooper is like a diner owner.

Or is We Can Stop the Kennedy shooting?

Chris Cooper, the guy that did.

He's the dad in October Sky.

And in

American Beauty.

Yeah.

The gay neighbor.

Chris Isaac is who I'm thinking of.

Yeah.

Chris Isaac.

What a wicked game to play.

Stick your dick in me.

I wanna have gas

with you.

He wrote that in jail, actually.

And guess what?

Guess what?

Chris Isaac's actually got a DUI to

getting raped

over and over again.

He wrote that song in a jail cell in Nashville.

And guess what?

The song did not work.

Yeah.

He was still like, he was like, I remember

my friend Steve Earle told me,

you ever want to not get raped in jail, just let those pipes fly, boy.

Let them know

what kind of magical howl you got.

And that was some of the worst advice I've ever received in my life.

I did four years on a third DUI, and I probably had sex, let's see, 365 days times four.

That's about 1,300.

I probably had sex with men 16,000 times.

Wait a second.

It was non-stop.

Yeah, you're good at math, dude.

There was a guy who smuggled in a

guy who smuggled in a little

cassette radio play.

They had a cassette tape with the Looney Tunes Factory music.

Oh, no.

That's the one.

And

they had guys coming and going from that cell.

Wow.

What a wicked game to play.

Make me have sex with everyone in the jail.

Just fucking him on that rhythm.

And there was actually Steve Porcaro that came in to produce on that album, and he said, What if we went with

more of an RB style

production rather than the Looney Tunes Factory music?

And that's what made it a hit.

Because honestly, I just wanted to keep it as the Looney Tunes Factory music and as backing vocals have Porky Pig and Elma Fudd.

You just, yes.

Your original view for the song was begging to not be raped to the Looney Tuesday.

It was a parody song.

It was going to go on a Hanukkah album.

A Chris Isaac Hanukkah.

My phone's dead.

I don't know what.

What does Chris Isaac sound like?

Someone pull up a Chris Isaac sound.

His talking voice?

Yeah.

I'll look it up.

What a wicked game to play.

He was a one-hit wonder.

Gay chicken.

Well, see, you see, the fellas I played gay chicken with, they did not respect the rules.

They were actually gay.

No matter after you tapped out or what.

It's like he was going to keep doing gay shit.

It's like playing regular chicken with a jihadist.

Good to be here.

Well, if you've been here many, many times, this is a well-worn path to Australia for you, isn't it?

I love it.

I love coming to Australia.

It's my favorite place.

Good answer.

Can you stay?

Good answer.

Welcome to Australia.

Now, we heard you were getting raped.

Yo, you're in Australia's most popular show.

People have been raped in the morning.

It's 8 a.m.

Good morning, Sydney.

We're talking to Chris Isaacs, who was raped in jail over 10 thes and times.

We heard you swallowed heaps, come.

We heard you had girl sinks

to the Leanney team's theme song.

Well, it was a rape.

I wouldn't call it sex.

Australia is one of my favorite places.

You know, it used to be a jail.

What?

Yeah, it was a prison colony originally.

I got to get out of here.

Yeah, it was just a bunch of blokes raping a bunch of mates.

And that's where I wrote Waltz and Matilda.

It was when I was in Australia.

I found out it was a prison.

I suddenly started having flashbacks to,

you know, Leroy and the guys holding holding me down, playing that Looney Tunes music.

Just pulling a bed sheet over the bunk and getting that Looney Tunes music fired up and just

pumping fire into my soul.

To this day, if I'm watching an episode of Looney Tunes, my asshole will open up.

The sound of a man eating carrots with his mouth open is...

I tell you,

that'll put me right back in the bushes, basically.

I'm in the high jungle.

There's a smell of napalm all around me.

In a lot of ways, being raped in jail is my Vietnam.

That was my generation's Vietnam.

I hated getting rap.

And I

wish I had just gone to Vietnam.

Oh, I had the option to go to Vietnam.

At least that kind of trauma would have gotten me parking spots.

They should have that.

There should be special parking spots for guys that were raped in jail.

Yeah.

They are vets.

If pregnant women get it,

there should be a way at the DMV you can get I was raped in jail plates.

So you say just jail rape, not regular rape.

Just jail rape.

Okay.

The most honorable.

Because it's something, it involves the community.

It's a type of service.

Right.

It happened in a government facility.

Right.

I mean, mean, you're not a veteran if you get shot.

That's true.

You know?

Well, then, I guess maybe just getting raped in the army, it would make sense.

No, those guys don't

deserve response.

No.

Okay.

No, they're a disgrace to you.

That's just.

Anyone who gets raped, we're in the uniform.

I'll tolerate a lot of what we'll call off-color jokes on this show.

Yeah.

Right.

You've got to draw a line.

You will not disrespect the army by bringing up those degenerates.

Who got raped, to be clear?

Yes.

The degenerates are the ones.

You're calling the victims raped in the army degenerates.

Just so I'm they have their own separate USO show where Chris Isaacs plays.

We'll all be over here watching Pit Bull.

That's right.

And then the guys that got punked out, they can go see Chris Isaacs in the tent that's shaped like a giant bunk bed.

They all serve.

Wow.

Yeah.

The whole special tent and everything.

Seems like it would be really intricate.

This is a big county jail bunk bed.

The size of a hangar that they all watch Chris Isaacs in.

Wow.

So good to be here in New Zealand.

You're in Australia, mate.

Not again.

What a wicked game to play.

Tricking me into not knowing the difference between Britain and Australia.

I'm trying to go to New Zealand, bro.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get some kiwi pussy.

Yeah.

Maybe fuck the prime minister over there since she knows how to control coronavirus.

They're weird.

They don't have enough conflict.

They don't have enough interpersonal conflicts.

Well, they had that horrible shooting.

No one's an asshole there, you know.

That's not.

In New Zealand.

Yeah, it sounds like it's apparently one of the nicest places.

You wouldn't get it because you like Chinese who are all assholes.

You like a society that is

kind of like

assholes.

There should be a little bit of, like, you should have the option to not talk to homeless people if you don't have the time.

You know what I mean?

And I feel like New Zealand is not one of those places.

Yeah, it's like you have to talk to homeless people.

You have to talk one homeless, like take them to the library.

There's only one guy, though.

Everyone gets their week with the one homeless people.

You got to let him come into your house and take a shower.

Right.

Yeah.

Their relationship with Native culture is so funny because they're trying, like, so proud of it.

It's so hard not to do it the way we did it, where they're like, let's fucking name a Pontiac after them.

Or the way that Australian...

Native Americans are like oh you we don't want to be named the Pontiac and I'm like all right well then fucking enjoy your like fake town in the woods yeah we'll just forget

the shittiest the town on the shittiest land we could find and either we turn you into a cartoon character or

nothing those are the options

alcoholism and diabetes or nothing Yep, and casino.

Because see, they do get casinos.

They got sick-ass casinos.

I love that they just changed the name of the Washington football team team, thinking that in such a spiteful move, being like, okay, we'll just pick the worst name then.

And then people are like, okay, fine.

I think it's a cool name.

Yeah.

It is kind of cool.

It's like a soccer team being named after the place, and that's it.

Which is most soccer teams.

Right.

Most soccer teams are just like fucking, you know.

Washington Football Club.

Yeah.

FC.

Like Porto is, you know.

I guess Man United versus, you know, whatever.

But yeah, that's what everything is like.

It's kind of cool.

What should the name be, Nick?

What do you think, since you're so you love the football team so much?

Oh, the Washington Chris Isaacs.

Are you doing this for me?

The Washington Chris Isaacs?

And it's just a cartoon of Chris Isaac bent over, holding on to bars in a jail cell.

And then just like a very racist caricature of a black man behind him.

But it's holding onto his shoulders with like angry, like,

like the face of Popeye's enemy.

Bluto.

Bluto.

Yeah.

But he's got exaggerated racism.

He's Bruto, but he's deaf or something.

That's why his name's Bluto.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hey, Popeye.

I cut you with Popeye.

I want some punsy from your skinny girlfriend.

I hate this guy, Popeye.

Why does Bluto want to fuck Popeye so early?

Yeah, she got no tits and no ass.

He's a big guy.

You'd think he'd want to thick him.

Dude, if I was dating Holly,

I would domestic violence all over.

it.

Why do you say that?

I just get those vibes from her.

She'll always come back.

I don't even want to.

It's just, you know, she can choose from the 10s,

the 1910s.

Is that when Popeye takes place?

I don't know if I said this before, but I feel like all this stuff going on is a way to distract us from the fact that it's the 20s.

We've briefly mentioned

how we should be getting flapper pushbacks.

We should be able to be doing cons.

We should be doing cons.

We should be at God.

Running rackets.

We should be at what.

It's a con different than hosting a racist podcast and getting a bunch of people.

This is a pretty good con, honestly.

You put the big bill on the outside, and on the inside is you pretending to say the n-word for five years.

You see, it's a beana.

You wrap it around,

and we all buy big floppy hats.

You, me, and Jake.

Everything's greasy.

Do you guys ever see the Robert Williams Popeye?

What?

The Robert Williams Popeye.

Do you ever remember Robert Altman?

No, Robert.

Fuck.

The one with...

Wait, what the fuck is his name?

The one with

Robin Williams.

The Roger Ills Popeye.

But it's made by Robert Altman.

Yeah, so you're kind of close.

What would I say, Roger?

Oh, I eat spinach.

And then my arms get big.

But what if it was my dick?

What if he's just speaking up the traffic going?

What if my dick looked like this?

Oh, but what if the large end was the end of my penis?

What if it was the tiny, what if it was the tiny little end?

Who was the lady that played Olive in that?

Shelly Duvall.

Yes, she was born to play Olive.

She's

a very sad story, her life.

Oh, Shelly, she's got mental illness, and we're going to make it worse.

She's mentally ill.

Oh, we're going to.

Oh, she's going to go crazy.

We're going to make her go crazy.

We're going to put her on the shining, and she's going to go crazy.

Oh, we're going to physically abuse her on the set.

We're going to turn her out, Chris Isaac Isaac style.

We're playing a wicked game here with Shelly Duvall.

Good morning, Vietnam.

Good morning, Shelly Duvall's pussy.

Good morning, Papa.

He's a fucking.

He just keeps saying that the whole movie.

Good

morning, Papa.

Shelly Duval was kind of cute as olive oil, though.

I won't front.

She was cute back in the day.

She was cute.

I've seen some cute pics of her.

Yeah.

With her big-ass teeth.

I kind of like a big one.

I can chomp on my fucking prick a del with those.

What do you think of that, Shelly?

So what happened to her, Adam?

Something that was bad?

I don't know.

She just lives in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, she's still around?

Yeah, she's just crazy now, apparently.

Hmm, interesting.

What was her last movie?

Oh, spinach.

But what if it was a can of shit?

Whatever was a kind of comedy.

Ooh, whatever was a can of shit.

And I was eating shit.

And it makes my asshole bigger.

So fucking true.

So fucking true, mate.

She was in a movie called Man.

Hey, it's me, your asshole.

She was in a movie called Man.

I'm the real boss baby now.

It's me, big asshole.

And my asshole's big from eating shit.

From eating a big old can of shit.

Apparently, Shelly Duvall was in a movie called Amanda from Heaven.

That was Jerry Orbach's final film before he died of prostate cancer.

From Law and Order.

That's right.

Oh, wow.

It grossed half a million dollars.

Oh, yeah.

And one more thing.

Can I see a cock?

That's nice.

Columbo.

We'll return.

Oh, yeah.

One more thing.

One last thing.

One other thing.

The final clue.

I wanted to know if I could see your cock for a second.

Gay Columbo.

We'll return after these restaurants.

Columbo SVU.

He's actually the one that's.

One more thing.

You mind if I take a quick Polaroid of your cock?

Was this it?

Was this the cock you were forced to suck?

Yes.

Well, I don't know.

Bum

Columbo.

Peter Falk, shouts out to him.

Wasn't that Columbo?

Yeah, it was.

Yeah.

He's a cool legend.

What other shit was he in that was not Columbo?

He was in that movie Husbands.

Your favorite movie.

Yeah.

Well, I always kind of imagined the three of us would remake that movie.

He's in a whole bunch of shit.

I've never heard of that movie.

There's a bunch of shit you watch about fellas he he shows up in.

Was it Mikey and Nikki, I think, at the top of my head?

That's probably another starring role for him.

He's great.

I fuck with Col I used to watch Columba.

My grandma used to watch that shit.

My grandma used to watch Matt Locke.

Yeah, that was the go-to joke for what old people watch.

I think Matt and The Simpsons.

Maybe it wasn't even the go-to joke.

Maybe I was just stealing that from The Simpsons as a child, which is a lot m prob more probable.

Yeah, old people watch a lot of murder, she wrote.

And

Wheel of Fortune Jeopardy.

I used to go over to my grandma's house and watch it over there.

Yeah, me too.

It would be funny, an episode of Murder She wrote.

I wouldn't watch this.

Where she just gets the shit beaten out of her by a criminal.

And you want to know how I put it together?

No, bitch.

Absolutely.

She shoots her kneecaps out.

Yeah, well, not even.

Just kicks her legs out from under.

What was that show about?

She's an author?

Yeah, she's an author and she solves murder.

And she's nosy.

You know, the best of all of those shows.

I'm sure I've said it on the show before, but Diagnosis Murder is.

You have definitely talked about that.

Diagnosis Murder is the best show of all time.

Diagnosis, they actually have a spin-off called Diagnosis Homo about you.

Did you know that?

This is every episode, Dick Van Dyke is like, Oh, by the way, you're gay.

I'm like, What?

Well,

how

I was just going to get my lunch.

Now I'm a fag?

What in the hell happened?

You see, when you went out to your car, you slipped on a banana peel and a cock went up your ass.

It's brought to you by being raped.

Being raped.

Try it today.

The gay team might be one of the funniest things.

Oh, it's the best thing we've done.

it's an all-time.

And it was just in the hotel room in Cleveland, right?

I think so.

And then we tried to repeat it on the show, but that was definitely just.

It wasn't as good, but it wasn't as good as that, but the magic was so good that it translated somewhat.

Yeah.

Dude, that was a great night.

That was a great riff.

That was a great night.

A great night of riffing.

Dude,

when we go up to the cabin, we sleep in one big bed together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We just do drugs.

Here's the plan, everybody.

We're getting a little Airbnb and we're just going to gang record through the holidays.

Yep.

Yep.

So if you're wondering why we're doing post-election shit and we don't know who the president is nor care, it's because.

Well, we know.

We we're pretty sure it's Joe Biden at this point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's because I need we need to collectively

think about nothing but fucking pecan pie.

Yeah, dude.

For like a month and a half.

Yep.

I'm going to go to Baltimore.

I'm going to work on my house.

Might finish the basement, dude.

Yeah.

Do a little demo.

Demo Renault.

That'd be fun.

I'm going to go to Jamaica.

Meet a Tay Diggs type character.

Just get your cheeks blown out.

Try to get my groove back.

It won't work.

Come back with a.

So, yeah, anyway,

one braid with beads in it.

I'm going to get cornrows on the back of my hair one day.

I'm going to get cornrows.

Have a little fun.

That would look great.

Have the little pink-purple beads like little girls have.

Play White Iverson before you walk in the room.

So, yeah, I can't wait to recreate Cleveland while we're fucking that's the hardest I've ever laughed.

While we're all what?

When Stob and I ate those edibles and you were reading us that news article.

Oh, right.

It is the hardest I've ever laughed.

Yeah.

That was so fucking funny.

Yeah.

And you guys will never know what it was.

You'll never know what it was.

You'll never know.

We can't say it.

Oh, my God.

Now that I'm thinking about it again.

Yeah.

Oh God.

Yeah.

I'm going to fucking smoke a pork shoulder.

That might have been the happiest I've been in the last five years of my life.

Yeah, sometimes something gets you just so goddamn.

It just hits you right there.

That's what we're all chasing.

Yeah.

That's what all these riffs are really chasing.

I mean, a couple weeks ago, getting your dick suck before Christmas

definitely got me pretty good.

Pretty good.

But before that.

We had a couple nice ones.

We had a good one in the car the other day.

I don't remember what it was.

I had one like six months ago laughing about a guy that has like a two-dimensional dick.

And he's just been like, oh, yeah, yeah, my dick's a piece of paper.

I'm sorry about that.

Yeah, my dick.

No, I can't really go in, you're pushing.

No, it doesn't exist on that many points.

I mean, it can cut you up.

But it's, yeah, it's a piece of paper.

And I don't know, even now,

I can't get into whatever the space I was in.

Yeah.

Sorry, man.

May that one do it for me.

It's about this.

Very similar.

It's all about the moment.

Very similar to the wheelchair thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Which you guys may have remembered from last regular.

Last one week ago.

They're so jumbled at this.

Oh, they remember.

Fuck, dude.

We didn't even have lunch between this time.

I ate a bunch of trail mix.

I had a little bit of trail mix.

I had a little bit of Adam's leftover fried rice.

That's pretty good, no?

It's pretty good.

I'm regretting not having all of it.

They put goji berries in it.

You can eat all.

You can go eat all of it.

No, don't finish.

I wanted to eat it after that.

You can have the finished.

Nick said I could.

It's not his.

But he said I could.

I do believe I'm supposed to eat one of your hats.

For what?

Because Biden won?

Because Biden won.

So I got to find that hat and eat it.

I'll give you a hat to eat.

No, I'm going to eat it.

He wants the one he stole from you.

And you actually like.

I'm eating the one that you want.

I miss that hat so much.

It's such a good hat.

Yeah, and it's about to be lunch.

Come on, man.

The hat eater.

That's true.

The mad hatter.

I remember one time when I was a kid, me and my cousin ate all of my other cousins makeup And that was like that was one of the best moves we ever did you ate it?

Yeah, I was like let's eat all our makeup that way.

She can't tell Like what she gonna say they ate all my makeup.

They won't know how to punish us.

Yeah, did they?

She could say that and she did and they didn't know what to do about it

That is weird.

I'll give you that.

That is awesome.

It's what the joker would do.

That's true.

Actually, you know what that was?

That was Nick admitting he's trans.

He wanted to send the girl inside of him some makeup by eating it.

Wow, that's deep.

A real shrink.

You're really able to unpack that.

That's maybe what a first order brain would come up with.

One dimensional thinking.

Number one, bitch.

First order, what are you?

Third, fourth?

Hockam's razor, dude.

I'm number one, bitch.

I got the number one time.

We're in dangerous territory here.

I got to pull up the calendar and see the reads for next week.

Blue Chunridge wallet.

Okay, good.

My phone's at 1%.

Okay.

Okay.

So your phone is at the same percentage.

Is that how big your dick is?

Yeah, one to one, the first percent of not percentile.

Yeah.

Percent.

No, no, there's a difference.

Stop your voice.

No, I didn't, Adam.

Don't back him up when we got him.

We're right where we want him.

Like I see him.

I call him a child.

Look, I know when you're in the middle of the day.

Percent versus percentile.

I'm rooting.

I'm rooting for you.

I'm rooting for you.

I'm not rooting for Nick.

As soon as we got

to be on first order business, I said to myself, go ahead, let him.

It's math.

He'll do himself in.

And you know what?

You know what?

Math, I'm always the silent killer when it comes to math.

Out of the three of us?

Out of the three of us.

Silent killer is hypertension.

That's fine.

I'm the silent killer in the same way that hypertension does a lot of Americans in.

I do you idiots in by actually knowing more math.

And percentile is different than percent.

And 1% of a dick, which is what Nick has, is not the same as the top 1%ile of having a dick.

It could be the same period.

Which is what I have.

No.

It could be the same.

No, Nick has 1% of a penis.

I have the number 1%.

Actually, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I take that back.

I have the 99th percentile penis.

That's the best I just realized.

And 1%ile, you can have that, Nick.

And then we'll let the people decide.

As I am the silent killer.

I can't wait until you're wrong about how percentile.

You could have the 1%, like the 1%.

of the penalty.

No,

we are the 1%.

I think back what I said.

He has 1% of a penis, and he is

in the 1%ile of penises.

I'm in the 99%ile of penises.

Out of all the penises.

And do you understand

how fucking

convinced that I am that I'm correct?

That I, I could just say Nick has that.

And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

But I'm betting that my penis is the opposite of whatever I think his is.

You can bet at ridgewallet.com.

You can bet on that.

Tell us a little bit about this product, Nick.

You use it.

I do use it.

Ridgewallet is a male solution for men.

It's a male money solution for men.

It's a wallet that is truly proven to prevent women from getting their mitts on your cash.

So true.

I hate when whores get a hold of my coin.

I hate it when the broads are always trying to hit me up for cash.

Fucking sluts.

And they only want one thing, women.

This.

Nick is holding his hands and making the

money rubbing

in a rare display.

He's being sexist with that.

Yeah.

And not anti-Semitism.

Almost always

that thing is anti-Semites.

He's used in the service of anti-Semitism.

You know what?

I just love seeing you mix it up.

It's nice to see you mix it up.

And so they created a wallet for guys.

Yes.

And also

straight guys.

Lesbians.

And lesbians.

And guys.

And they thems feeling masked that particular day.

Actually, it's not for lesbians.

There's no way to attach a wallet chain to it.

So that's true.

It's lesbian and Hispanic

proof.

Yeah.

Lesbian and rap rock proof.

Wow.

That's big.

Sorry.

Sorry, you can't wear it.

But the Ridge wallet's great.

It's two little pieces of metal or carbon fiber or whatever.

And they're held together with these elastic bands.

And it's the exact profile of a credit card.

So look at that stuff.

I love that.

All my cards lined up perfectly.

Very beautiful.

Orderly.

You could bounce a piece of pussy off that.

You could bounce

it.

Or if you go ahead.

You could go ahead and slide that right down a couple of pussy cheeks.

Easy money.

And leave.

Whereas a big bulky wallet like what Adam has.

Yeah.

You could get no pussy with it.

Good luck.

They're going to tell you to leave the strip club because you're embarrassing yourself with your stupid fucking grandpa wallet.

No, they want your money, dude.

Nah, they'll take your money and then they'll fucking kick you out.

Whereas with the Ridge wallet, they say, wow, this is awesome.

Thank you for the money.

Can you suck your cock knife?

Look at this captain.

It's got

this indent on the bottom.

You push the cards up from the bottom.

Yeah, it's easy access.

Easy access.

You just

slides right out.

Slides the card right out there.

You know, I use the tap, so I do that.

Ooh, look at you.

And then I put it away.

Put it right back in.

That's how quick.

And they have a bunch of other shit, too, I think, right?

Yeah, they got phone cases.

They got a backpack.

They got a helmet for disabled kids.

The Ridge Retard line.

The Honda Retard.

The toughest truck.

The Midwinter Championship.

The Honda Monkey Loid.

A truck as powerful as a retard.

Available at ridgewallet.com.

Respect.

So go to their fucking website,

ridge.pussy.com.

Ridge.com, promo code Cometown, and get 10% off the Ridge Wallet.

Wow.

Steal.

That's a great idea.

The fucking steal.

I think it's awesome.

Yeah, they might have like free shipping or something.

But I mean, I can't recommend this thing enough.

The man loves his Ridge wallet.

I truly.

I know you do.

This and the underwear, definitely.

Which

note, not this week.

Sorry, no free.

Yeah, nothing for free, motherfucker.

I like the underwear, but guess who's not gonna

hear the fucking name?

You're not gonna hear it unless we get fucking paid.

Unless I get sexed in.

You made yourself cough with your part.

You're gonna get sick from that one.

As long as I get sex, I like to get sexed into my clothes.

This one is really sticking around.

You're poisoning.

Stav's got self-COVID.

You're putting.

Can you get covered from your own ass?

No chance.

Stavs.

That's how it started.

Stav's doing the...

It's the opening scene for Midsummer, and he's got a hose in his ass.

You haven't seen Midsummer?

It sucks.

Well, the first

opening sequence is great, where the girl kills herself.

What?

Spoiler.

First two minutes of the movie.

Spoiler.

Thank you very much.

Spoiler train.

What the fuck?

I should only look at Greg Proops' Twitter feed.

Yeah, he's probably throughout the election.

He's probably so stoked off by Kamala's going to the top.

Kamala, right?

Yeah.

Or Kamala?

Which one?

Carmella.

Carmella.

It's Carmella.

Carmella.

Oh, that's great, Tony.

You think I'm black?

Everybody thinks you're fucking black.

You're fucking black.

Nobody loves you halfway there.

You're saying all this shit about Tupac, embarrassing us.

Go miss a fucking chicken vidaloo.

You fucking bitch.

I come home.

I want Lamb Rogue and Josh.

You're coming over here with all this fucking black shit.

Fucking shit, making me watermelon and fried chicken.

I want a little bit of thy

fucking muscle.

I don't want any fried ochre and collard greens.

I want Indian Tony Sophie.

Who's married to

Carmella Harris?

And he's mad she's black instead of Indian.

Cristavara.

Christopher.

When I tell you the merit multi-strip club,

I don't mean to do it in 30 minutes.

What is the fire?

What is the matter with you?

Tony Soprano.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Very good.

Very, very nice stuff.

So it's promo code what?

Wake up in the morning, have a gun, have a gun to yourself.

Can't wait to drive on the Gerbers Bridge.

Take the Lincoln tunnel, smoke a cigar.

Damn.

Mama always said you'd be

married to somebody at 12.

You're going to be married to the Sopranos.

I would love volunteering sopranos.

That would be great.

Going to picking up the money.

Yeah.

The promo code, I don't.

Do you say the

ridgewallet.com?

Ridgewallet.com slash come town.

Yeah.

And then you get 10% off.

It's a great deal.

It really is.

I would get the carbon fiber one if you want to be like me.

That's the one I have.

Uh-oh.

You hear that, folks?

If you want to be like me,

you get this carbon fiber one.

In two weeks, I guarantee you, you're going to have number one podcast on.

That's right.

You don't become the Michael Jordan of podcasting by doing anything.

You just got to have the just like Jordan.

If you ever watched The Last Dance, he kind of sort of fell into it.

Yeah.

At the right place, right time.

You got to dress for the job.

How about

Michael Jordan?

Yes.

That'd be good.

He's like, I don't take pictures with black people.

I think for everyone Nick is referring to the chameleonaire anecdote where Michael Jordan apparently refused to take pictures with chameleonaire and says he does not take pictures.

The most

relatable Michael Jordan story

stories about how human Michael Jordan is.

How he's just like everyone else.

He's just like everyone else.

He's just a normal guy.

Normal guy refused to be seen in pictures pictures with black people.

Bobby Kelly has a story where LeBron

refused to take a picture with him at a boxing match.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

That's funny.

I think he's such a nice guy, too.

I think LeBron was getting pussy or something.

At the moment.

He was taking pictures of a bunch of girls in the audience.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was getting pictures with a bunch of girls and then Bobby asked for one and he was like, no, you fucking faggot.

I don't think he said all that, but he just told him to fuck off.

What if he also was like, I don't take pictures with

you know, but

Michael Jordan in the story said the N-word, yeah, which in my the way I read that is I think he meant it is to say, I don't take pictures with dudes.

It would be funny if, yeah, of course, that's what you meant.

If, like, if Chameleonaire said that that story happened when he was 10.

He was an 11-year-old boy.

That would be awesome.

It's like the year Space Champ came out.

I do like

Michael Jordan's at Disney World

promoting Space Champions.

Promoting Space Champ.

Or at Six Flags.

Wherever the fuck.

It's funny that Six Flags is like, oh, it's Warner Brothers.

It's like, is it?

Is it?

I thought it was Six Flags.

Yeah, they got like Luna.

They got the Tasmanian Devil there and shit and bugs.

Yeah.

They got a bunch of Warner Brothers shit.

Oh, wow.

But I guess Six Flags was its own brand before.

It was.

Six Flags Over Texas.

Oh, really?

Yep.

Is that how it started?

Mm-hmm.

No way.

Yeah, it's a Texas heritage thing.

What is Six Flags of Texas?

Texas had six flags.

The flag of the Republic of Texas, the Mexican flag, the flag of the Confederate States, the flag of the United States, and then the

Dolly Pardon fan club flag.

Yeah, then the big-ass tits around it.

I'm trying to remember what the six flag is.

Who cares?

Fuck Texas.

I don't know.

Texas is cool.

Yeah, I like Texas.

Your dick is small.

Texas almost went to Biden.

Nice, man.

You got me there.

Yeah.

No, it didn't.

Yeah, it did.

It was closer than

it's truly wild.

We're out here now, and Texas is a battleground state, which no one thought that this would be.

Hey, fuck you, faggot newsman.

It's to how far Texas has come.

Suck my dick, you fucking gay news faggot.

Go back to New York City.

And Texas has been brought into the 21st century.

They've been brought into the fold.

The Austinization of Texas.

Hey, you look like Chris Isaac.

Oh, we got ourselves a little Chris Isaac here, boys.

Where's my truck?

Ready to sing for us, Chris Isaac?

We're going to chain this guy up in the back of my Tesla.

Oh, yeah, I'm voting for Biden.

Carmela.

Why do you only make

you have to make the Divin Daloo in such a particular way?

It has to be made exactly the way I like it particularly.

I am gone.

What the fuck?

I am gone and they have to

they have to bring over she brings over the Indian version of a priest

which which I guess is an element of

the past.

She watches a movie with a private movie.

She watches a movie with

Dal Sim from Street Fighter, our priest.

And he's a Funook.

Yeah, it still says Funuk.

I'm lucky he's a Funook.

Dude, my favorite part of Surprise, the best joke is when.

Tone.

Maybe

tone down the Indian stuff.

Stop being so Indian.

Sal, I do not have time for this.

I do not have it.

Tone, I was wondering.

I love it, T.

I just had some tomothas.

T, I was thinking, maybe you could get a bunch of Indian guys to hang out with instead of Italians.

That maybe would make more sense.

Yeah, Tone, I was wondering how I'm like your nephew

or I'm

Carmela Harris's nephew or something.

I'm Kamala, but she's Indian too.

But she's either black or Indian.

I'm Italian, but everyone else is Itrallian.

Yeah.

Fuck, I was going to say something, but I forgot.

What the fuck was it about?

Ralph Siferetto.

No, I wish it was, though.

Oh, no.

My favorite joke was on The Sopranos was when Tony Blundetto gets he starts the massage therapy thing and it's

it's owned by Koreans obviously and it's next door to a pet store.

And then Tony comes in he's like, oh this will be good if anybody you know is hungry and then the daughter of the Koreans there and then Chris

like a whole other thing happens.

Five minutes later Christopher comes in.

He's like oh they got a fucking pet store next door in case anybody needs a snack.

It's like they just back to back both guys are gonna make that fucking joke.

And it was

so beautiful.

They both can't help themselves.

Go watch that scene.

You're going to love it, folks.

Wake up this morning, have a gun,

take a drive in your car,

smoke a cigarette, and drive the Gobbles Bridge.

Go to Staten Island.

Look, there is New York City.

Oh, now you have to stop and pay the toll.

And now we are in New York.

Here is a pork store in Pizza Land.

Thank you.

Wicked game to play.

Do they eat pork?

No, they don't eat beef.

I don't think they eat.

They don't eat cows.

Yeah, they don't eat cows.

Yeah, I don't think they eat pork.

Maybe either.

A lot of them are vegetarian.

But, hmm.

I guess I've never seen pork pork on an Indian menu.

No.

Interesting.

And I guess they eat lamb because they can't eat beef.

That's right.

Hmm interesting.

Not a bad trade-off.

Yeah, but beef, it's a better day-to-day situation.

It's a bigger animal, too.

Yeah, that's true.

You get more bang for your buck that way.

I'm thinking about going vegan again.

You were never vegan.

No, but I was thinking about it before.

Oh, you're thinking about it again.

I'm thinking about it again.

I'm thinking about re-watching Wallace and Gromman.

Really?

Yeah, about how do you like that, bitch?

Fucking pussy.

It's a fine thing to touch on.

Come on, man.

Fuck, he got your ass out of him.

I'm thinking about going home and re-watching Wallace and Gromman.

You fucking pussy.

I'm going to watch fucking British baby movies.

Now, is that a show or do they have movies only?

I know what it is.

They're short.

They have shows?

They're short movies.

They're short stories.

How short are the movies?

Like 30 minutes.

That's not a movie, bro.

That's a fucking show.

Yeah.

You slap like three of those together.

That's a movie, though.

I

suck on my dick and my penis.

Look, Grommet, it's pants that suck suck your dick while you wear them.

Fuck yeah, dude.

The pants that suck your dick,

starring Wallace and Grommet.

That shit looks so annoying to do.

Claymation?

Yeah.

Apparently, it takes forever.

He would do it with his ass, too.

Yeah.

Whoa.

That takes even longer.

He would put all the clay in his ass.

It was all poo.

And he would shit it out in the perfect exact way.

Yeah, Robin Williams did all the colours.

He would color all the poo.

Oh, what if I played with my own shit?

Oh, what if I made little tiny guys with all of my shit?

And then I took pictures and then stopped and moved them.

And now they become a different shape.

And now

it's animated and it's different and it's fun.

And maybe I'm Robin Williams, and you could do something a little more sexual.

Okay.

Shove the shit up your ass.

Or old friend.

And once the shit is in there, you can get your friend Robin to come by.

And then I can fuck you in the ass.

That's right.

And it's called Popeye 2 Wicked Game.

Wicked Game, huh?

Yeah.

Popeye 2, Wicked Game.

Popeye 2, Wicked Game.

Popeye eats the wrong spinach.

And it's actually child pornography.

And he goes to jail.

And guess what happens in there?

He gets mumbai like Chris Isaac.

Wouldn't Popeye rape back, though, or stop him?

And then he rapes.

He drinks the cum and it makes him strong.

Very good, very good, very good.

I like the way this is going.

Just riff out this movie.

I'll call it Big Chill 3 Popeye.

I thought it was Popeye 2 Wicked Day.

The Wicked Game.

No, no, it's the sequel to Big Chill 2.

Wicked Drift.

Interesting.

They did in Tokyo.

I love that idea.

Big Chill 2 Tokyo Drift.

It's a bunch of Japanese boomers that get together and remember the bombing of Nagasaki in Oshawa.

That would be fucked up.

Just stoically remember it.

Where they're all dying of cancer in their 40s.

From the fallout.

But

the radiation has made their cocks very bad.

And they actually

That's an interesting philosophical question.

And they can't stop fucking each other.

What about their pussies?

And it's Big Chill 3, Tokyo Drift.

Now,

does the radiation make their pussies different sizes?

The women are all Korean sex slaves.

Oh, I see.

From the

period in which

the Japanese were doing

their own little

Hiroshima, if you know what I mean?

getting a little Nagasaki.

Yeah,

awesome.

Okay, that's a great idea.

I like this.

Good movie.

What if that was a movie?

Oh, can I be in it?

I'll take my eyes back.

I've got my own tape.

I'm already doing it.

I've already brought my own tape.

Take my eyes back.

Think about how much we can save on makeup.

I got all this stuff in the Mrs.

Dabfire

said we were going to do Mrs.

Dabfire.

Mrs Doubtfire.

Hong Kong Sally.

Hong Kong Sally.

Oh, come to me, your maid.

Robin, I know that's you.

You can't see your kids.

Lobin, who's lobbin?

I'm just a Japanese

from Hiroshima.

Look how big my penis is

from radiation.

Mom, I'm not sure that's dad.

That is a pretty big cock.

And it should be small because she's Japanese.

Alright.

But if you turn out to be my husband again, this time

it's curtains for you, pal.

This time, I'm going to fuck Pierce Brosnan in front of of you.

It's good.

I don't know if we'll be able to get Sally Fields for the picture because

a couple of years ago.

Oh no, what did you do, Jeff?

Jeff, no.

She's gonna be a little bit more.

She seems like such a sweet lady.

I think we all know exactly.

Did you put her in your ass?

I shoved her.

Oh, no, Jeff.

A couple of years ago, I got a little messed up off Fig Newton's and shoved Sally Fields up my ass.

Damn.

Damn, Josh.

Well, there goes

fucking Miss Daffire 2.

There goes

Sally.

Great idea.

Such a funny name.

Oh, fucking.

She's Japanese.

And her name's Hong Kong Show.

Hong Kong Sally.

She's from Hiroshima.

She has a big dick.

She's a huge cock.

She got blown up.

Well, it all checks out.

That is a big penis for a woman.

For a Japanese woman named Hong Kong Sally.

Bluechew.com.

If you're not not from Hiroshima, you want a big cock, hard cock, and you didn't develop a large penis from nuclear fallout, but you want a hard dick,

go to bluechew.com.

That's absolutely correct, Adam.

You go to bluechew.com and you don't have to talk to some fucking bitch-ass doctor.

Go ahead and

type your name in with your penis, and then they'll be able to tell

if it's hard or not.

From the font.

Oh, what if it was.

What if my dick was small?

He's just

squishing his dick.

Yeah.

Just pulling,

holding the skin around the head and squeezing it back.

Oh, what if I had a little cho?

And a little German cho, like a chancellor.

I'm Sein Sein, so ready to maximum.

I'll Hitler

Vietnam.

Robin, pull your pants back.

Robin, no, please.

Robin, it makes no sense.

Robin, stop saying Nazi stuff when you dick out.

We're back on Inside the Actor Studio with Robin Williams.

Robin, tell us.

Could you please put your pants back on?

Put your pants back in.

We'll get to that.

Robin, this is a straight interview.

It's not a

I have to ask.

Your first major breakthrough role, Popeye, did you

at any point during the production of this iconic film, did you by any chance get to have sex with Sheryl Duvall?

Perhaps

the in-between scenes,

maybe you and Cheryl Duvall hype.

Maybe back at the hotel.

There was plenty of downtime.

One set and maybe struck him.

They got to change the film.

I have never

had sex.

God damn, dude.

I wish there was a show like that.

Pussy from Shelley Duvall.

Did Robert Aldman fuck her?

Did anyone on

any pussy from Shelly Duval?

Was she fucking

even maybe a boy, a steady boyfriend she had that she was bringing around and introducing to people.

Can you imagine that they were fucking on set?

Fuck yeah, dude.

If you like sex, you'll like bluechew.com.

You'll love bluechew.com.

Bluechew.com.

You'll love it, man.

It makes your dick hard.

What else do you need to fucking know, man?

No doctor's appointments necessary.

They get you in touch with a medical professional over the internet.

This shit was COVID safe prior to it.

You could already do it on.

That's right.

Telemedicine is the rave now.

They were already doing it this way beforehand.

You go on, you sign up.

You know, I actually slowed my shit down.

I had to put it on pause because I used too

I was too optimistic with uh how much

how many blue chews I got yeah I was getting 85 oh every two weeks delivered to my house

it's like you know we get it or we had a promo code at one point for us it just gets it I think it yeah and then that's over now and it was immediate they like what like what do you mean do I want give me the maximum options yeah and I just didn't change it after they started charging us right I had like a fucking 10 Cloverfield lane supply yeah yeah you know do those ever go I know do they go bad?

No, medicine never goes bad.

That's what I heard as well.

Yeah, it's always good.

Yeah, they have generic Viagra and Sialophytes.

They take that shit.

They add some kind of nice flavor to it.

It's a nice, like, berry, like a blueberry sales.

It's not medicine taste.

It tastes like candy.

I've actually had trouble with it

eating, too.

I was giving it to trigger-treaters.

I was putting razor blades in it and handing it out to kids.

And those kids became cutters.

Yeah.

Well, there's no better way to commit suicide than get a hard dick and slice your cock vein yeah well that makes me sad just thinking the joker yeah that's what the joker did you want to know how i got the scar

you want to know how i got the scar oh yeah let's get a jeff goldblum riddler joke art joke goldblum joke erblum joker okay yeah joke erblum oh hey murray when you bring me out

what is a joker can you call me Faggot?

Sure thing, Faggot.

Whatever you want.

Dude, it's fucked up that he killed Murray, dude.

What did Murray do to him?

I just thought about

Murray made fun of him.

Well, actually, I guess he did make fun of him.

Yeah.

Who's there?

It's the police.

Your son has been killed in a drunk driving accident.

It's a very funny joke.

That's one of the funniest scenes in any movie of all time.

We were definitely in Laughing Murray theaters.

Bluechew.com.

Promo code ComeTown, we think.

You go there, you fucking generic Sadalophil or Senaphic.

Sadanlophil.

You get an intro pack, it changes your life.

If you know the names of the drugs, you're a fucking nerd.

Yeah.

Who doesn't have sex?

And you get addicted and you won't be able to fuck without it.

Unlike me, a different kind of nerd.

Who does have sex?

Also, it doesn't have sex, but they don't know things either.

The best kind of nerd.

Yeah, stupid nerd.

Just a guy that sucks.

Yep.

Just a loser.

It's better to be a stupid nerd for sure.

Yeah, right.

Just Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

That's right.

I used to think that character was cool.

I'm like, he's not one of the nerds.

You thought Booger was cool?

Yeah, but he's just a fucking loser.

Yeah.

I guess

I could relate to that.

He's even more of a loser than the nerds.

Yeah, right.

He's not good at anything.

Yeah, he's not going to start Apple.

He just sucks.

Yeah.

Yeah, Booger's going to end up working at like Batteries Plus.

And like wait, like

cruising into his near 40s, trying to get like a certificate that licensed him to work for like Verizon touching the lines,

touching phone boxes of some sort.

That is stunning.

Yeah, they finally put me in charge of touching the boxes.

Bluechew.com.

What the fuck else am I forgetting?

You know, you got it.

You know, in-person doctor's visits, your fucking cock gets hard.

It'll fucking spice up the bedroom.

If you hate your significant other and you can't dick her or him down, guess what?

Buy that relationship four to six more months with dick pills.

Right.

We're all stuck in COVID right now, watching the clock, waiting for a vaccine so we can break up with the person we live with because it's impractical to do so now.

Right.

Get yourself some Blue Chew.com and get through those last four months.

That's right.

Or maybe six or maybe a year.

Maybe a couple years.

Who knows?

So yeah, promo code cometownbluethu.com, get your dick card, get it sucked by a guy or a girl or a, you know, a non-gender conforming person or an old guy or an old woman.

Yeah.

So.

Yeah, send a couple of them to nursing home and see what happens.

Oh, yeah.

Get your grandpa's dickhard.

Get your Cuomo style.

Yeah.

Fucking.

Fucking Drew Cuomo.

I love how poorly the videos of of him and his brother on like joking around it aged.

I love how bad that looks now.

I hate that.

They were horrible at the fucking time, and people liked them.

People loved it.

President Cuomo.

I'm a Cuomosexual.

No, you're just a homo.

There you go.

Oh.

Very nice.

Oh, I have to take a shit out of my head.

Oh, I'm going to shit.

Oh, I ate too much trail mix.

And it really carried me through the beginning of the show, but now I'm trail mix.

Now I'm crashing from just a mix.

We've only got about four minutes left.

Oh, perfect.

Just run out the club.

We barely are going to do it.

It was nice eating all that dark chocolate, but there was a lot of salt in it, also.

I wish I had some more.

That's not good for your blood pressure.

Maybe I'll get some trail mix.

Don't even make me think about my blood pressure.

I haven't checked it in a while.

Sorry for bringing it up on the show.

I was getting kind of up there.

It's a fucking disaster.

The best, the silver lining is that I probably won't ever get cancer because I'm going to have a heart attack at 47.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Wow.

I guess I'm just going to have to go home and have dinner without.

I miss getting lunch in between the shows.

It threw me off, I got to be honest.

No, I have to go upload this fucking shit.

That's true.

You got to go to this.

We

postponed the.

We've got a nice schedule worked out where I can do it

the day after.

Right.

And then.

But the election threw us off.

Yeah, because we wanted, we were like, all right, well, we've got to give these guys a show.

Stop.

We'll push for a day and then wait until the election happens.

But it's like, there's not going to be.

There's going to be an answer, and it'll be, boy, we finally know for sure.

No one will care anymore.

The most boring answer.

And by no one, I mean me.

Yeah.

Well,

Little Dick Joe probably won, right?

It's like 99%.

I wonder if Garfield's cock has stripes like his tail.

That's a good question.

That's an excellent question.

When you

we should answer for two and a half minutes, exactly.

Of Garfield 2, A Tale of Two Kitties.

Was there anything?

I don't know.

I just get fucking people just call me all the time.

Here's the thing.

Don't call me because I'm not going to answer the phone.

That's right.

I usually keep my phone on Do Not Disturb, but I was waiting on a phone call from a customer service department, so I turned it off today.

But usually

just goes to

Do Not Disturb guy.

Just, yeah, do not disturb.

Please disturb this dick.

I'm not, I'm trying to make my art right now.

Yeah.

You know, and you're getting interrupting my process.

You're interrupting

my artistic process.

Would you walk in on David Bowie having sex with a black man

and be like, ooh, Ziggy Stardust?

Maybe I can call you.

Right.

Maybe I'll call you on the phone.

No, you would never.

You have too much respect for Ziggy Stardust and how gay he is.

So, what makes you think you could do that to me?

And that's how

David Bowie was in the labyrinth.

I heard he was faking being gay.

He was faking.

He tried it out and he said it wasn't for him.

I mean, he gets pussy, dude.

Yeah.

But is it true that him and Mick Jagger fucked each other in the ass?

That'd be pretty cool if they did.

That would honestly be pretty cool.

It would be funny if there was a rock star that was like literally just never fucked and was like lying about it.

Like Axel Rose has just never had sex.

That would be awesome.

Or what's his name?

The

guy from Poison?

Brett Michaels.

Yeah, Brett Michaels.

Nah, dude, I watched Rock of Love.

That guy gets pussy.

He ran through that whole house.

That's why they had to have the show.

To get him pussy for the first time.

He was sitting with his producer.

And he was like, I've never actually had sex.

Brett, are you kidding me?

We're going to make a TV show.

I'll call all my cousins

at the bank and the studios and we'll make a show.

Right.

What kind of accent is that?

It's a New York accent.

Come on.

It's an uptown guy.

I'm from Puerto Rican.

I'm from the Bronx.

I'm Dominic.

I'm not a player.

I just crush your luck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you guys ever watched Rock of Love?

Yeah.

My girlfriend at the time watched every episode.

Hell yeah.

And Flavor of Love as well.

And I would sit there getting drunk.

Respect.

Yeah.

Rock of Love I find to be better than Flavor.

Well, actually, I don't know that, to be true, for a fair.

Flavor of Love has some absolute banger moments as well.

They're both kind of in the way that we were watching those Mori You Are Not the Father videos.

They're both a testament to a simpler time.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I'm all in on Maury, You Are Not the Father videos recently.

Yeah.

Or just actually, you know what?

I like going in not knowing what's going to happen.

We watch the compilation, but I like watching the whole 10-minute clip.

I want to be taken on a journey by Mr.

Povich.

I would just want to watch daytime TV.

You know what I miss is being like two o'clock in the morning and watching like infomercials because there's nothing else to do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Winning in the cash flow business.

Just those late hours because they're new to you when you're like fucking 11 or 12.

Just the fact that you're even up that late.

It feels awesome.

Yeah.

It's like going to a floor in a building you've never been allowed to go to before.

Little do you know most of your life is going to be in that horrible floor.

Yeah.

I mean,

I go to bed at fucking 10 o'clock now.

Most of the time.

I'm up at like 6 a.m., 5, 6 a.m.

every day.

Respect.

I got obsessed with the George Foreman Grill infomercial, and I made my parents get it.

You know what I used to love?

Was the Chef Tony.

You remember Chef Tony?

Those knives?

How about the

Gazelle freestyle?

Of course.

That was a classic.

Yeah, that guy's hilarious.

And of course, that's such a good look.

And let's not forget, Girl's Gone Wild.

How much do we all beat off to those breasts?

Call now.

1-800.

Fuck my pussy.

Sex phone.

Maybe we should.

Maybe I'll start a phone sex line.

I'll get, yeah, I'll take, because now everybody has my phone number.

I'll just get that.

I'll have that.

I'll port it over to like a desk phone and then just do phone sex.

Just like a.

Yeah, I'll figure out a way to make it like a toll number.

A 1900.

Yeah, and then you have to put it in a credit card number, and then I'll have sex with you on the phone.

As any celebrity you choose.

Oh, nice.

I'll do the best I can.

It's my own type.

You know, it's called Cameo 2 Hong Kong song.

And you put your credit card in, you specify which celebrity you want to have.

I'm not even joking.

You would make so much money if you did that.

If you just charge like a dollar a second,

a dollar every 30 seconds.

Yeah.

Hello.

My name is

Bruce Willis.

That's good.

And I'm sucking your cock right now.

Yeah.

Oh, I can feel how hard you are through your pants.

It's making my ass wet.

It's making me pucker up in my ass.

You've reached AOL Gay Phone.

For gay sex, press one.

Every call is $50.

And then every...

If it goes over four minutes, it's for Blowjobs, press two.

For movie times, press three.

Damn.

Due to the COVID-19 situation, our hours are modified, and you can only get your dick sucked over the phone Monday through Friday, 8 a.m.

Eastern to 4 p.m.

Also Eastern.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, that was a rush calling in to see when the movies were, dude.

I never did it.

I looked in the newspaper.

Yeah, I was the newspaper guy.

You could do either one.

I felt like a grown-up looking in the the newspaper.

I'm going to be my friend.

My friend would call Movie Fon.

I'd be like, what are you, the King of France?

I used to love doing it.

Yeah.

No.

Take notes.

No, just have your shit special.

Just look in the newspaper.

Remember looking up when shows would be on in the newspaper?

Yeah, hell yeah.

Oh, yeah.

In the TV guide.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was the whole part of

that fucking magazine.

To find out when the shows are on.

Yeah.

Ridiculous.

What a fucking stupid life.

I used to look up when Skinamac stuff was on.

Every Sunday, the new TV guide would come out, and I'd set up a little schedule for people.

It's so funny how fucking old that sounds now.

I know.

That sounds like.

It's like when we were kids, and old guys would be like, you just have to suck your own dick

to make butter.

If you wanted to learn,

you had to walk 15 miles and lick your teacher's balls

in the snow.

Yeah, you know, Abraham Lincoln would walk seven miles each way to school.

He sounds like a fucking dumbass to me.

Yeah, why don't you take a car?

And he would fuck his friend's thighs.

Let's not forget.

That's cool, though.

Did he do that?

That's what people say.

He was on some gay shit.

I thought that was Socrates.

That's Greek, yeah.

That's what he used to do.

I thought Socrates.

That's your culture.

Socrates would do that.

First of all, that's fine.

I don't care.

I'm not embarrassed.

Socrates would do that.

Second of all, yeah, one of the greatest presidents ever did some Greek shit and fucked his friend's thighs?

Sure.

Yeah.

I don't care.

I don't fucking care about that.

Sounds sus to me.

It sounds cool.

That sounds good.

That's how you don't fuck behind the ass.

What is justice if not the opportunity to titty fuck your butt cheeks?

To get a butt job from your boy.

No one's talking about butts.

We're talking about to do a hot dog in the bun to your boy.

We're talking about fucking thighs.

The straightest full thighs.

I can't imagine how that would be pleasurable.

I don't know.

What can I tell you?

That's what I heard about him.

I'm going to try and make

Chinese pork barbecue in the Instant Pot.

That sounds great.

I'm really hungry myself.

Why don't you eat my nuts?

Why don't you eat his nuts, Adam?

I'm not going to eat your nuts, please.

Hey,

I got a freaking question for you.

Why don't you eat his nuts?

Thank you.

This is.

Hey, I'm.

Hey, I'm Steven Dorf.

You've reached the Phone Sex Hot, the Celebrity Cameo 2 Hong Kong Sally Phone Sex Hotline.

I'm Steven Dorf, and if you want me to suck your cock, press too.

Folks, I want you to know that these shows might get canceled, but if they don't, go to stavi.biz slash tour.

I'm going to be maybe in Connecticut this weekend.

I'm going to be maybe in Jersey

in December.

Or by the time this has happened, we're all locked down again because of Corona.

Who fucking knows?

Also, come.town, there's a limited run.

They might be sold out by the time this airs, but there's the limited stock left of the lightweight crew neck t-shirts.

They're sweatshirts, but they're like lightweight sweatshirts, and I don't like the weight of them.

So we're running the last of that stock until it sells out.

There's probably, I don't know, 50 shirts left at this point.

And the calendar is probably out by now.

The 2021 Stobby Baby calendar, make sure to grab that stopby.biz, you little sluts.

Come.town for the sweatshirts if you want them.

And if

maybe by the time this is out, I might have the heavier weight crew next re-released, and there's a hoodie up for sale now.

Ooh, that's going to fly.

The Slurpel Brain hoodie.

A couple people are said, Can you explain this?

Which don't ever send me that message.

If you don't get the joke, just quietly not get it to yourself.

That's right.

Yes.

And buy it anyway, even if you don't get it.

You fucking beast.

Yeah, act like you get it.

Slurpel Brain in the purple rain font.

Which that means.

What do you mean?

What does he mean?

I can't imagine.

You fucking idiot.

I just want to see you giving me some Slurple brain.

Slurpo brain.

Slurple brain.

It's a banger.

It's a good one.

And people are like, what?

Another guy was like, what episode?

Shut the fuck up.

That's what episode.

Episode suck my fucking dick.

Hit the button, Adam.

This episode's over.

Bye.