Ep. 228 – Teflon Tussin

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Speaker 2 pussy

Speaker 2 pussy pussy pussy she had me come bust up that old shifu robe come over here let me get some of that pussy hole i'll go bust up that shift robe for she said hold your dick with the baby on

Speaker 2 Lira Park on

Speaker 2 get your coat on your dick with the baby on. Why don't you hold your dick with the baby on?

Speaker 2 A penguin classic to kill a mockingbird. As presented

Speaker 2 by the Cometown players from memory. The Come Town Players and Pimps.

Speaker 2 Oh, damn. Somebody's got to be.
I wish we had like a Foley board. I wish I had a complete Foley board so I could do radio plays.
You should just get one, dude. Yeah.
Who cares?

Speaker 2 Just like footsteps in a big hallway.

Speaker 2 Well, another day being a lawyer, another day to go home to my child sport and the other one Pringus or whatever. Yeah, Pringus and sports.
Whatever the fucking other one is.

Speaker 2 Just another day here in 1940s, fucking

Speaker 2 Mississippi or wherever you are. Getting guilty black people off.

Speaker 2 That's the door. I'm using a door.

Speaker 2 And now.

Speaker 2 And that's me getting into my car.

Speaker 2 We're just joining us, you're listening to the radio play of the Killamockingbirds, presented by Memory on NPR.

Speaker 2 I'm driving home. Thank you, Starbros.

Speaker 2 When I drive home, I like to think about how racist things are in the South

Speaker 2 where I live.

Speaker 2 Seems like everything's in black and white.

Speaker 2 And it's f it's fall now.

Speaker 2 It's fall in the south. And the thing is, the south is hot, but the leaves.

Speaker 2 And I've run over a black person accidentally.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 come to police

Speaker 2 and they're like, oh, uh, we saw you run over that colored fellow back there, and uh, we were about to arrest you for murder, but I didn't realize your your famous lawyer Atticus Finch.

Speaker 2 Oh, please, I beg of you, you have to arrest me. You've got to arrest me.
You have to arrest me. I have to face justice just like this man I ran over would if he had done the same to me.

Speaker 2 Well, we've actually been following him.

Speaker 2 He's baby arm Joe, and he's been using his tiny arm to make his penis look bigger, which is a crime in Mississippi. Is it a crime when a white man does it?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes, it's a crime for everybody. This really isn't a racing.
I know you

Speaker 2 wanted to feel it. He's tricking women.
All right. Well, in that case, I guess I'll go home scot-free.

Speaker 2 Time to start my car back up.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Starbrose.

Speaker 2 I'm on my way back to my house. Still thinking about racism here in the South.

Speaker 2 That's what it sounds. This is the sound of falling

Speaker 2 horses. The horde of wild

Speaker 2 Mississippi horses.

Speaker 2 Here comes the sheriff on his horse next to my Corvette.

Speaker 2 How are you doing there, Atticus? Very good. I'm glad I make so much money as a lawyer to be able to afford such a nice race car here in the South.
It looks very good.

Speaker 2 It's the finest race car in the South. What year is this again? It's 1950.

Speaker 2 I think it's

Speaker 2 exactly. It's

Speaker 2 somewhere between 1920 and 1955.

Speaker 2 And it was the first year of the Corvette. It was the first, it was 1927, the first year of the Corvette.

Speaker 2 And I got the first one as the least racist lawyer in the South. But still a racist from the second year.
But still a racist. If you don't forget, I just ran over a black man and killed him.

Speaker 2 And the police let me go because he had committed a different crime. And I demanded justice for myself, but now I'm second-guessing it, and now I'm home.
That's cool. And here's

Speaker 2 walking up the steps to my

Speaker 2 and I'm opening the door

Speaker 2 and then here's my my my child my androgynous daughter Sports

Speaker 2 Sports

Speaker 2 Hi Dad what was what is that a your penis it's my pussy why'd it make a spring noise I don't I I don't know either dad you'll have to help me I'm blind as you remember from the movie I think I don't think I don't think you were blind

Speaker 2 anyway so you were just asking me how how court was today. It was court, Dad.

Speaker 2 Bad.

Speaker 2 We had

Speaker 2 the question of whether you're allowed to teach evolution in schools came up, and

Speaker 2 I think there was me and 12 other jurors, and we were angry.

Speaker 2 And one of them...

Speaker 2 There was a monkey in the courtroom. Here's the monkey's right here, Dad.

Speaker 2 Ah, yes, the monkey's at our house. That's why I can hear them.
Sometimes I forget as a blind man,

Speaker 2 because I've been blinded by the injustice of the racial South,

Speaker 2 whether the sounds are

Speaker 2 what their context is, whether they're part of a narrative flashback or happening in the moment as I'm reciting all the details of the story.

Speaker 2 You have to understand. Anyways,

Speaker 2 yeah, there was a kid. He's on trial for stabbing somebody.
And there's one guy who's Italian, so he's from the slums, and he knows how a switchblade works. That's right.

Speaker 2 And then the guy who does the voice.

Speaker 2 I'm Scow. That's my daughter, Scow Better.
Oh, sorry. Adam, how did you get here? I'm in the mocking bird.
You know,

Speaker 2 it sounds less like Marge and more like Jared from Super Jail. Yeah.
Sort of.

Speaker 2 It sounds almost exactly like Jared.

Speaker 2 My voice is fluid. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyways,

Speaker 2 and then so

Speaker 2 where are we? In the heat of the night, what is this again?

Speaker 2 A Puerto Rican kid stabbed someone. There was a weird boy named Booboo.

Speaker 2 That's right. And

Speaker 2 the guy that does the voice of Winnie the Pooh says that he was probably innocent. That's right.

Speaker 2 Well, anyways, on the way home, I ran over this black guy who's... Oh, man.
And he had all these pieces of a shift robe in his pockets.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I thought maybe he stole the shift robe. Apparently, this woman, a bitch, if you will,

Speaker 2 asked him to bust it up for her.

Speaker 2 And he was fucking her or something. And

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's a really, really interesting day, Dan. And then

Speaker 2 now I'm remembering it.

Speaker 2 The husband came home

Speaker 2 and saw... the baby arm Joe

Speaker 2 finger putting his baby on.

Speaker 2 The whole baby arm waiting the guy's wife's pussy. Into the wife's pussy.
You know, honestly, I can't fucking remember or something.

Speaker 2 But the cops let you off. I know.

Speaker 2 Maybe as my son, Adam,

Speaker 2 you should lecture me on why I should really press to be charged or something. Dad, you always taught us to do the right thing.
You're right, I should do the right thing.

Speaker 2 You kids go hang out with that retard across the street. I'm going to go back to the courthouse and demand to be thrown in jail.
Oh, the retard? boop, Riley. And

Speaker 2 I'm going to be the man that decides to prosecute himself for racism in the South.

Speaker 2 And I'm the mockingbird.

Speaker 2 To suck the mockingbird.

Speaker 2 Wait, you said there's a second book?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 Go Kill a Watchman. Go Kill a Watchman.

Speaker 2 It came out like.

Speaker 2 Gentlemen, we're in the middle of a play. Oh, yeah.
Right, right. Oh, yeah.
Sorry. We're actors.
Don't you understand that?

Speaker 2 You have to always study the drama. You'll never stop.
I'm sorry. Go to court, Dad.
And then I'm in.

Speaker 2 Bye, Dad.

Speaker 2 Take my Corvette to court.

Speaker 2 And here I am at the courthouse.

Speaker 2 Drift into the courthouse. And I'm

Speaker 2 the doors open.

Speaker 2 Judge

Speaker 2 Atticus Finch, the best fucking

Speaker 2 swinging cock in the whole world. The best motherfucking lawyer we've ever seen in the South.
One of the fucking greatest.

Speaker 2 What do you want?

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 2 What the hell's going on? I ran over some colored guy on the way home. I want to be put to death for it.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? I'm charging myself, but you're not the DA.

Speaker 2 Yes, I am. I'm the DA, but I'm also, I'm so good at the law that I'm both.
I did both, Your Honor. And we're going to have a whole trial where I argue

Speaker 2 against yourself. It's about white fragility.
It's because black people are done talking to white people about race. They're done.

Speaker 2 They simply

Speaker 2 say you?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I was thinking, I was on my way home and I thought to myself, what if Dado was black?

Speaker 2 Would we be okay having him as a slave?

Speaker 2 A robot slave? He kind of is one, though.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm getting at. Race, the final frontier.

Speaker 2 These are the voyages of my Toyota Prius to Portland, Oregon, to participate in the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.

Speaker 2 Where really I'm just going to see if I can get some tent pussy. I'm trying to get tent stinky tent pussies.
I'm trying to get just disgusting tent pussy.

Speaker 2 Because I went to Bonnaroo when I was 15 and struck out.

Speaker 2 And now I can never get it out of my mind that I can't live that down. Just getting some nasty dead head pussy.

Speaker 2 Okay, Atticus, we'll let you have your trial.

Speaker 2 If only there was some kind of sound effects going on to make this world more livable.

Speaker 2 What it is, ho, what's up?

Speaker 2 Just get some cut

Speaker 2 here in the courthouse.

Speaker 2 Cut you up like you ain't been cut.

Speaker 2 Teach your ass how to really catch a nut. Give me your number and I'll call.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm in turn down your walls. You can suck them all balls.

Speaker 2 I'll follow that ass to the mall.

Speaker 2 Everybody in the neighborhood, everybody. Meanwhile, everybody in the neighborhood thinks I'm scary.

Speaker 2 I don't think so, boop. Riley? They call me Boo because they think I'm scary, but I'm actually just a retarded.

Speaker 2 They think I kill people. Can I see your big retard penis? That's the thing: the surprise twist at the end is that I was the one who raped a woman.
Oh, no, no.

Speaker 2 They blamed it on the black black guy.

Speaker 2 I turned out to be the secret villain at the end. That's what Go Catch a Watchman's about.

Speaker 2 That's where you go.

Speaker 2 Go catch the real rapist in the movie.

Speaker 2 Is that how Timothy Muckenberg ends? The retards raping? Absolutely.

Speaker 2 And Robert Duvall actually plays Boot Radley. Did you know that? In the movie? That's like one of his first roles.
Oh, wow. I didn't realize.
He's like, you got to play the retard slow.

Speaker 2 You got to play the retard mentally slow. You got to come in and think about a real, the card has got a real slow mind.

Speaker 2 When he thinks about things, it's a real slow down. That's him teaching his seminar on playing a retard on acting that Sean Penn

Speaker 2 attended. Yeah.
If I wanted to play a retard like you did,

Speaker 2 that was probably big on his set of colors. Can you tell me how to play a retard second? I can't do Sean Penn at all.
I can do Chris Penn.

Speaker 2 Okay. It's me, Chris Penn, standing in for my brother, Sean.
I'm Chris Penn. I'm Chris Penn, and I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm Sean Penn.
I'm Chris Penn from

Speaker 2 Corky Romano, and I'm gay secretly. And I'm gay.
That's the joke. Yeah, and he can't read, right? Oh, yeah, he can't read.

Speaker 2 Oh, man, when he orders ice and jokes. They're like, yeah, let me get that.
Let me put that Rocky Road. They're like, sir, we have three plates.
And they're like, we don't have that.

Speaker 2 And then it just pans out and it's just vanilla and chocolate. Let me get a pistachio.
Yeah, he has for pistachio. Shouts out to Corky Romano.
A great movie. Yeah, it's very funny.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're about to witness a trial never before seen in the state of

Speaker 2 Texarkana. Texasippi.

Speaker 2 Texadelphia.

Speaker 2 Here in the southern city of Philadelphia.

Speaker 2 It was a gusty wind. We've let sand in.
There's sand, there's a sandstorm in the trial, and we're all entering a biblical journey through

Speaker 2 the Baja.

Speaker 2 I took mescaline before the trial

Speaker 2 to thoroughly dissociate so that I could play the role of both prosecutor and counsel for the defense.

Speaker 2 No one has ever attempted this before, but I'm putting myself on trial for racism because it's more important that we show internal accountability, especially while on drugs,

Speaker 2 than it is for us to lecture others, because societal change only comes through the man directed outwards.

Speaker 2 And what I did, and I admit to it, objection, Your Honor,

Speaker 2 I don't want to admit to it.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 sustain. I don't.
Yeah, who's the judge? Who's playing the judge?

Speaker 2 I'm the judge. Anyways, our first witness is the retard from across the street.

Speaker 2 You may approach the bench or the

Speaker 2 chair. The stand.
The stand. That's right.
That's what it's called.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you a question, Judge? No,

Speaker 2 the lawyer asked you the question. But I just have a question real quick.
Okay, real quick. Make it quick.

Speaker 2 I'm the other judge. Yeah, we got two judges.

Speaker 2 Two judge situations.

Speaker 2 There's one attorney and two judges.

Speaker 2 It's bizarro court. We use it's very good.
It's a Napoleonic code in this state. We have one straight judge and one gay judge.
I am the gay one. Am I allowed to go to the bathroom and the seat? No.

Speaker 2 No, you may not. You can use Judge Adams' mouth.

Speaker 2 In that case, I request a mistra.

Speaker 2 You're not the lawyer, boy. I've already gone to the bathroom in the seat.
Atticus,

Speaker 2 your witness is being retarded right now.

Speaker 2 Objection from the judge.

Speaker 2 I'm objecting.

Speaker 2 Your Honor, at least allow me to cross-examine him first. You haven't examined,

Speaker 2 Mr. Picard.

Speaker 2 Mr. Radley, can I call you Boo?

Speaker 2 Do you mind if I call you Boo?

Speaker 2 Oh, you're asking me?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, everybody calls me that. And why do they call you Boo? And he looks, you know, towards the jury, eyebrow raised.

Speaker 2 Because I'm scary, because I'm retarded.

Speaker 2 That's right. And is there anyone in this courtroom that's scary to you?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you mind pointing them out for us?

Speaker 2 And then then Boo Radley pointed at the black guy

Speaker 2 who is in our trial, who was just there

Speaker 2 for some reason, even though he had been run over by Atticus Finch.

Speaker 2 He was dead. And why does he scare you? Because he's a ghost.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 And maybe that's the lesson we can all learn, is that it's not black people that scare us, but ghosts.

Speaker 2 And we often, because they're dark, we think they you know that they come from ghost town right yeah case clothes

Speaker 2 my case

Speaker 2 really you don't want to uh we

Speaker 2 don't are you sure you don't want to ask any more questions or present any more witnesses in this trial you demanded of yourself it's the it's the british judge please join us It's me, the British judge.

Speaker 2 There's now three judges.

Speaker 2 You can tell he's British. And he's wearing a wig.
There's a secret clause hidden in the Constitution that says if a man ever goes on trial for himself, that British law supersedes

Speaker 2 American law, and it's our way of sneaking back in after the Revolution.

Speaker 2 What have you done? Because we knew that racism and America's attempt

Speaker 2 to dismantle it would always bring down.

Speaker 2 And that's why we intentionally lost the Revolutionary War, because baked into

Speaker 2 the American genesis was an inherent contradiction of equality while upholding slavery. And something along that.

Speaker 2 But we're back, is the point. And now we're British.

Speaker 2 Right. It's the 60s or 50s.

Speaker 2 That's the year of the

Speaker 2 year of the Corvette.

Speaker 2 And now we're back. And I have my own Corvette.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to drive it.

Speaker 2 And I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Going to heaven.

Speaker 2 And one more thing.

Speaker 2 I'm gay.

Speaker 2 And by the way,

Speaker 2 I forgot to mention.

Speaker 2 And the surprise.

Speaker 2 Mr. Finch, what have you done?

Speaker 2 But when the British are back, and this time we're gay. We're going to have sex with all of you.

Speaker 2 Have gay sex.

Speaker 2 Bring about 400 years of gay British rule like you've never seen.

Speaker 2 And I, by the way,

Speaker 2 I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Mr. Finch,

Speaker 2 and counselor. Wow, this has been the

Speaker 2 Cometown Players present.

Speaker 2 Fucking the birds.

Speaker 2 Fuck the birds. If you enjoyed tonight's presentation of the Cometown Players NPR broadcaster

Speaker 2 to kill a mockingbird from memory, join us next week for Glenn Gary Glen Robinson.

Speaker 2 Hey, you drink coffee, fucking faggot. Hey, what are you getting? I'm not touching no Indians.
Yeah, something like that. I'm mad that you made me call an Indian guy.
The three letters, A, B, C.

Speaker 2 What the hell is this? You come into this office, you think you can talk to me like this, you fucking piece of shit?

Speaker 2 I'm a piece of shit.

Speaker 2 You're a piece of shit.

Speaker 2 The shit, the shitty pieces inside of that piece of shit are your fucking. That's shit that you shit out, you fucking cocksucker.
I'm a man, God. David Mammot was one of the greatest writers.

Speaker 2 David Mammot's

Speaker 2 monologue he wrote for Alec Baldwin's character, who didn't appear in the initial play, is regarded as one of the greatest pieces of American writing of all time.

Speaker 2 Let's see an excerpt now. If you can forget, what do you want to sell stuff? Well, too bad you can't because your dick's too fucking small to a fucking pussy.

Speaker 2 Well, you got a problem with that? Why don't you take a look at this watch? How about I take it off, shove it so far up your fucking ass,

Speaker 2 you're fucking... You're gonna be telling time with your tonsils.
It tastes like fucking, you know, minutes.

Speaker 2 You'll taste like...

Speaker 2 You fucking piece of shit. How about I shove this fucking watch so far up your fucking bitch ass

Speaker 2 that it tastes like fucking alarm clocks

Speaker 2 that you're fucking throwing up fucking tiny gears and get fucking gears coming out of your ears gears for ears You fuck. Let's go to the board.
ABC. You know what that stands for?

Speaker 2 You fucking retards?

Speaker 2 You fucking re. I'm talking to you.
You piece of shit. What's your name, Levine? What's that? Jewish?

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 A fucking Jew name?

Speaker 2 Where did you get that? The fucking... At the same place this guy got his watch?

Speaker 2 That I'm putting in his ass.

Speaker 2 By the way. Where'd you get that name? The same place I left my watch is up this guy's.

Speaker 2 What do you do? What did this guy do? Shit out watch pieces all over your birth certificate? And that's your name? It's fucking watchy McJew face.

Speaker 2 Is you? Hey, what's that stand for? Always B, B, C, closing. Closing what? Your fucking mouth.
All right? When I'm in here, when a man's speaking,

Speaker 2 you can do one thing. You can open your mouth and put my fucking cock in it.
Outside of that,

Speaker 2 your your mouth stays closed until it's question time. And that's when I ask you the questions, Papa.

Speaker 2 And then you better. The only time you open your mouth is to pull out little pieces of wasp.

Speaker 2 And that's only if I put it in your ass, by the way. That's who I put.
Now I got to go. I'm going back to work.
See you guys later.

Speaker 2 Be astounding.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. Alec Baldwin is amazing.

Speaker 2 Five stars. The greatest scenes in American history.

Speaker 2 They say it's similar.

Speaker 2 The Gettysburg Address.

Speaker 2 But without all that gay shit. And if you.
If the Gettysburg Address got pussy

Speaker 2 would be Alec Baldwin's speech. And that was the Come Town's presentation of Dangerously Angels.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, Marquise, meet me in the powder room.
I'm putting arsenic in my penis over there.

Speaker 2 You know, I guess you could say it's a dangerous liaison. Whatever the fuck that movie's about.
I've never seen it. My brother was watching.
When I was in Baltimore, my brother was watching Amadeus.

Speaker 2 His wife in that movie has some of the biggest, most juicy titties in the movie. That movie has a lot of juicy titties.
But if you like juicy titties, you'll love Cushy Dreams. Yes, that's right.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 I fucking, I don't know about you guys, but I love Juicy Titties. I love Cushy Dreams.
And I love that they have high-quality motherfucking CBD products. Because, look, I don't know about you guys.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of gummies and vapes. Right?

Speaker 2 What do I want

Speaker 2 to do? I'm trying to smoke my fucking CBD.

Speaker 2 And that's what fucking Cushy Dreams allows. I'm trying to get fucked in my ass by fucking CBD.
I'm trying to get my asshole absolutely obliterated by a fucking nice pre-rolled joint.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to have sex. And guess what? Cushy Dreams has that.
Where the fuck is a goddamn Cushy Dreams copy, man? I lose this shit every time.

Speaker 2 It's because I'm so fucked up on their shit that gets you 100% high as fuck.

Speaker 2 It does not get you high. It does not get you high.
I'm sorry. But it gets you feeling nice.
Here's the thing, ladies and or fellas.

Speaker 2 When you take a girl home, you want to have absolutely zero

Speaker 2 zero shadow of a doubt that she is in any way, shape, or form impaired. Right.
Right. So you want to put on a little nog shop, a roll up.
Yeah, Cushy Dreams.

Speaker 2 We sell inert roofies. Right.

Speaker 2 If you can't get hard without secretly slipping something into a woman's dream. Right, right.
Exactly. Exactly.

Speaker 2 If you're a former date rapist and you're trying to have a lovian reaction to slither something in a woman's drink where you get

Speaker 2 Cushy Dreams has pills for that. It'd be funny to be like, yeah, I can't get hard without pills.
Oh, I don't take them.

Speaker 2 I didn't mean pills for me.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Yeah.
So listen, Kushi Fox. Is somebody that thinks that's what people mean when they say dick pills? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're like, oh, yeah. Oh, we could just openly talk about it.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
I mean, I get it. Yeah, they're like, we went on that website.
They didn't have any GHB for sale anywhere.

Speaker 2 Well, they have non-psychoactive GHB. Nag champa is what it's called.
What's Nag Champa for real? Some Indian Incense. Yeah, it's like a flavor of incense.
And what, it gets you horny? Yeah, it's like

Speaker 2 it gets you real loose. Oh, nice.

Speaker 2 It really sets the mood. It's just like pops.

Speaker 2 You are.

Speaker 2 Sometimes it's like, I'm.

Speaker 2 You want a gay guy in mind. I gotta cool it with the F-song.
Bomb, bump, bump. Yeah.
Bum, bum, bump.

Speaker 2 It's fun to say, but sometimes it goes a little too much.

Speaker 2 But listen, right now, we're not talking about slurs. We're talking about cushy dreams.
Some of the fucking most luxurious, high-quality, smokable CBD in the fucking

Speaker 2 whole goddamn planet. And guess what? If you live in America, they'll ship that shit right to your fucking door.
They got pre-rolls.

Speaker 2 One of my favorite things about Cushy Dreams is how much excess packaging they come in. That's right.
You get a plastic tube. You get a plastic tube.

Speaker 2 You get a stopper on the air that's covered in a fucking, like, like, you know, they seal it all up. Like, I guess maybe it's to avoid.
Yes.

Speaker 2 But there's a thing in there that tells the postman, like, this isn't weed. Yeah.
Because the thing is, and it smells like high-quality marijuana, it tastes like it.

Speaker 2 And it smells like it looks like it. But it didn't get you high, baby.
It gets you feeling right. Yeah.
It does. You know what? I mean, because oil honestly is bullshit.

Speaker 2 Oil does not work. Yes, sir.
I found some old oil lying around, and I I was like, CBD oil? Yeah. Yeah.
I was like, let me just put this in my smoothie. And what it does is it ruins the smoothie.

Speaker 2 It makes smoothie taste like dog shit. It destroys it.
But the smokable shit, that's the way, because that's the way

Speaker 2 the drugs wanted to be

Speaker 2 done by themselves. Exactly.
The drugs that are.

Speaker 2 That's the way Mother Gaia intended for you to smoke. They don't want you to touch the leaf that we've been given by Jaw.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is a gift. It's all about peace and love and

Speaker 2 smoking CBD.

Speaker 2 God, can you imagine how fucking annoying the 60s were?

Speaker 2 So annoying. I mean, I could like, it's weird because if I had to be around those people, I would be like, fuck it, I'm going to join the CIA and figure out a way to kill these people.
Yep.

Speaker 2 I don't care.

Speaker 2 I will cut my hair. I'll fucking take the fucking test, whatever the gay test is.

Speaker 2 I'll figure out who fucking, you know,

Speaker 2 the mayor of fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah, whatever bullshit I need to do to get into the State Department so I can kill these people.

Speaker 2 I'll do it. And it has not, fuck this country, fuck it, all the way through its ass.
Right. But fuck these people more.
Fuck the hippies. Yeah, fuck them.

Speaker 2 God, just the worst.

Speaker 2 I agree with you. Yep.
I agree with you. Too bad they didn't have cushy dreams.
Too bad they didn't have cushy dreams so they didn't have to open their mind's eye.

Speaker 2 They could just chill the fuck out and shut up. Just chill out, have a nice time.
I like smoking the pre-rolls. They come in eighths as well.
You can fucking get a tin of them.

Speaker 2 Mix them into, you know, something else. Smoke other stuff.

Speaker 2 Angel dust and CBD. You know what I'm saying? Which pretty much cuts the angel dust in half.
It cuts it in half. Smoke cess and CBD.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 you can dip a fucking joint in fucking... Yeah, so they got tins that are like an eighth or whatever.
3.5. Yeah, and then they got the pre-rolls.

Speaker 2 Yeah, 3.5s, just like adam's penis yeah they've got that's right they got an eighth of a dick they've got ah fuck they got uh basically the way nick just pulled a dildo out of his ass yeah uh just like a like a bunch of handkerchiefs like a clown

Speaker 2 the fuck

Speaker 2 oh yeah i forgot to tell you guys i got into magic

Speaker 2 dude you fucking imagine it would be so funny to like if you just didn't care about like anything just like

Speaker 2 spending years as a clown to get hired

Speaker 2 demonstration day at an elementary school, and your grand finale is just pulling.

Speaker 2 Just pulling

Speaker 2 your ass, showing your asshole, like spreading your asshole wide, and then

Speaker 2 having a midget pull them out in front of the kids and seeing all your balls flap in the wind.

Speaker 2 Police dragging you away. You're like, don't let go.
And the midgets holding on as they separate you. You're being dragged off in separate directions.
The midgets holding on. No.

Speaker 2 No. You can't go ahead and separate us.
It's just going to make it worse.

Speaker 2 Tell them, CJ.

Speaker 2 You fucking tell those pigs. Black Lives Matter.
Black Lives Matter, kids. Fuck the police.

Speaker 2 FTP. Your ass.

Speaker 2 Hey, Cab. Your ass is out.
You're like, hey, Cab. Hey, Cab.
All Cobb's your master says, fuck the police.

Speaker 2 Four-year-olds are looking at your nuts.

Speaker 2 You're scared. Fascist.
Fascist.

Speaker 2 You believe this story? It came out of.

Speaker 2 There's a fucking, he's a clown saying Black Lives Matter, and he's pulling handkerchiefs out of his ass in front of a bunch of four-year-olds. I didn't make this up.

Speaker 2 I saw it on Yahoo News.

Speaker 2 Somebody told me there was one of the only respectable outlets.

Speaker 2 Yehoo News. I read it every day.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I go to cushydreams.com

Speaker 2 and I say,

Speaker 2 I type in promo code either Come Town or Come Town 20. I think it's Come Town.

Speaker 2 It's probably Come Town. Try them both.
Try them both. One of them works.
And you will enjoy 20% off. 20% off or something along those lines.
It's a good deal. It's a good deal.

Speaker 2 I think it might be

Speaker 2 free shipping. Free shipping.

Speaker 2 Free shipping.

Speaker 2 Folks, I may tell you.

Speaker 2 Retard Trump. It was Donsel Trump.
Donsel Trump.

Speaker 2 One of the most difficult verses to do.

Speaker 2 There's so much nuance on that.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of nuance to it, but it's doable. Don't trump.

Speaker 2 You know, a lot of this. It's a miracle.

Speaker 2 It's a miracle how they do these things. They've got markers that smell like the things that they are.

Speaker 2 It says oranges on there.

Speaker 2 It smells like oranges.

Speaker 2 So go to cushydreams.com

Speaker 2 promote

Speaker 2 20. And you'll get some sort of deal.
And enjoy a deal of some kind

Speaker 2 for a high-quality, smokable CBD. Whether it be free shipping or a discount on your business.
And listen, the important thing to remember is smoke your CBD. Yeah.
Because you can.

Speaker 2 Because you can. Yep.

Speaker 2 Damn, we almost forgot to say the tag.

Speaker 2 Shouts out to Teflon Don. Joe Biden, he's best friends with this Black Lives Matter clown.

Speaker 2 By this point, dude, when this episode comes out, Trump will be doing fucking chin-ups in the White House again.

Speaker 2 He's going to be fucking riff. Or he's because this is what? This is Monday.
This comes out Wednesday.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 what could happen is that he's like, oh, I'm fine. And then he just dies.
That would be so funny. He just gets way worse and dies.
Him dying would be an incredible, like, an incredible end to the bit.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Bravo.
Maestro.

Speaker 2 Bravisimo. And then his, like, dumbass children try and run Frobis, and it doesn't work because they don't have the swag.
Yeah, they think they're just as good as they don't have the sprezzatura.

Speaker 2 Maybe Ivanka has a little bit of. Oh, she's got a little double something.
I'll show you. You'll show me.
I'll show her.

Speaker 2 She does have big-ass breasts. Does she have big breasts? I mean, come on.

Speaker 2 I want to. Look, the family is, you know,

Speaker 2 online. People are like, he wants to fuck his daughter.
He wants to titty fuck his daughter, pull her clothes off, and jam his dick into her pussy.

Speaker 2 And they're fucking in the Oval Office, and he's got her up on the desk. He puts her on the desk, and he spreads her legs, and he starts off licking, gets her wet first by licking her pussy.

Speaker 2 And he's licking. And he's her father, and he's fucking licking all over his pussy, and then he's fucking her, but he goes too hard by accident.

Speaker 2 She starts crying, and then he pulls his dick out, and so he's mouth fucking her until the tears stop, and then she shits all over his chest. And then it's like, what do you do? What?

Speaker 2 And you know he wants that.

Speaker 2 You know, he wants that. Yeah.
That's what he wants because he's sick.

Speaker 2 Because he's fucking, he's a sick man. He's a fucked-up man.
He's evil.

Speaker 2 Just stick to your clown act, please. Please just do the act.

Speaker 2 We hired you here for cut his mic.

Speaker 2 This is the first week elementary schools have been open since March.

Speaker 2 We have no money.

Speaker 2 We just want to make the kids happy with some clowns. Yeah, all of the money went to build the New York City Police Department a new gym.

Speaker 2 The police officers. State-of-the-art

Speaker 2 facility. The police officer said we'll defund the police, but the police are getting their own laser tag and go-kart facility

Speaker 2 that will

Speaker 2 the entire facility will be built on top of the South Bronx so that it blocks out the sun.

Speaker 2 And the New York Police Department. We're hiring no new officers.
No new officers. But they have their own Dave and Busters.

Speaker 2 They basically, there's everything from that movie blank check. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They got the

Speaker 2 precinct gets their own blank check house. Yeah, the New York, NYPD is basically that movie blank check if the kid's like,

Speaker 2 what if I could put a 12-year-old blackhead in a chokehold because he didn't pay for the subway?

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 They got their own Damon Busters and Bill de Blasio thanked them for their tireless service while they spit in his mouth.

Speaker 2 Bill, who let the dogs out de Blasio?

Speaker 2 Why, Bill de Blasio? Why not just go all the way? You know?

Speaker 2 My name is Africa.

Speaker 2 He should become Africa Bombardo. Yeah, Africa.

Speaker 2 Bill Bombado. And my name is Africa Bronx.

Speaker 2 He says, like a black woman's name.

Speaker 2 My name's Asia

Speaker 2 La Temptation.

Speaker 2 I'm from the de Blasio house.

Speaker 2 This is voguing when people are dying of COVID.

Speaker 2 It's

Speaker 2 honor the essential workers. I'm dressing up like Bitt Davis and hanging out in front of the strand.

Speaker 2 I'll be voguing in front of the strand in pumps and

Speaker 2 just panties.

Speaker 2 Sheer panties. We're going to take this city back.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm hoping the shit stays open. It's been very nice around here recently, dude.
Indoor dining's back. Have you indoor dined?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I wanted to get food the other day, and they're saying they're going to close it all down again. Yeah, I know.
Oh, really? Why?

Speaker 2 Is shit popping off?

Speaker 2 Damn, dude, I want to do comedy. I had so much fun in Philadelphia.
Shout out to everyone who came out of Philadelphia. Shouts out to the three guys that all kissed.
I have to say, there were three.

Speaker 2 I asked the audience if anyone had ever had a threesome, and then three guys raised their hands, and I asked them who they had threesomes with, and they pointed to each other. That's really cool.

Speaker 2 They all fucked before going to the come to the show. They were just three gay guys hanging out and becoming just three fellas playing fucking GameCube and sucking each other off and

Speaker 2 they were nerds. They had a little bit of I would say they had a little some little nerd stank to them.

Speaker 2 They looked like three regular ass white guys and then they were just all happened to be homosexuals that Aaron's a gay triad. To answer your question,

Speaker 2 I have no idea what's going on. The guy at the coffee shop said that they were closing everything down.
Okay. Because they finally opened it back up.

Speaker 2 I'm like, because it was like curbside bullshit or whatever. And now you can go in the place.
And I was like, back inside, you know, and he was like, yep. And I was like, almost back to normal.

Speaker 2 He's like, no, they're shutting it all down. Really? And I was like, oh.
He's like, yeah, cases are going up. It's the Orthodox Jews' fault.
It honestly is.

Speaker 2 I was like, it's a fake virus to hurt the president. Thanks for the coffee.

Speaker 2 It's fake. And you can't hurt him.
And you're just trying to hurt him. And he's going to

Speaker 2 hurt him. Black Lives Matter.

Speaker 2 Just leave. Just scream.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get

Speaker 2 Make America Great Again hats to say Black Lives Matter on them. You'll make a million dollars.

Speaker 2 People love parody Make America Great Appearance. I hate those.
They stink. They're terrible.
They stink. But people have never been a good one.
They look like you. It doesn't, no one can tell you.

Speaker 2 You just look like a Trump fan. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then if you get close up enough to them, then you're like, oh, you're just a loser.

Speaker 2 Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Very clever. You made a lot of money off that.
That's almost as good as my idea for the fucking laser pointer that's the Batman logo. So your cat chases it around.

Speaker 2 Like Batman would. Why haven't you done that yet, dude? There's a lot of things I should do, you know?

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 That's probably a 10-year-old idea you've had. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I bet you got a lot of ten-year-old ideas. No, I know what I mean.

Speaker 2 Shut up, dude. Having sex with them.
That's the main.

Speaker 2 I think actually it's just one, actually.

Speaker 2 That's the only one you have, Adam.

Speaker 2 To have sex with a ten-year-old.

Speaker 2 Yeah. By the way, I know I do think Philly's cool.
I remember we had this conversation maybe a year ago, and I was like, Philly's not that cool. But I thoroughly enjoyed Philly.
Philly's all right.

Speaker 2 Oh, looks like we got a little mindo changeo going on on here. Somebody's got a magic trick of their own.
I'm just, I'm an oh, I'm a guy who's open to new experiences. To being wrong.

Speaker 2 And had a great time over in the Illadelph.

Speaker 2 Did you hit an Illadelph bong down there? Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Three percolators. Three percolators.
Couple Keef catchers. Ice catcher.
Ice catcher.

Speaker 2 Got to put a little bit of

Speaker 2 Ever Clear

Speaker 2 in the water part. Just to get drunk.
Oh, fuck ya.

Speaker 2 Fuck y'all. Fucking y'all.
Aw, fuck my pussy.

Speaker 2 Well, I've been like off. Fuck my fucking pussy.
I just open it again, and

Speaker 2 I'm immediately at the refinery 29 page. That's your favorite page.
And it's, I mean, it's just, it's truly bizarre. It's a screen cap of an Alicia Silverstone tweet.
Respect.

Speaker 2 And then that's from Clue. She was Bat Girl, right? It's first of all, they screen cap an Alicia Silverstone tweet, and then just put it over some shitty graphic in the background.

Speaker 2 They love doing that. So it looks like somebody did some kind of work.
And then they put their own watermark on her tweet. Nuh-uh.
Yeah. What's the tweet say?

Speaker 2 It says the face you make when someone says climate change isn't real.

Speaker 2 And then the eye roll emoji, hashtag mood, and then a picture of herself from Clueless rolling her eyes. Oh my god.
And then Refinery 29's caption is ugly as if.

Speaker 2 You have got to be kidding me. Wait, so they think clouds aren't.
Dude, somebody's making $90,000 a year.

Speaker 2 Why Refinery 29 is fascinating to me is because it's like, it's, it's, it's, it's weird. It's like a, it's, it's like a, a, like a, a tone you can't hear anymore.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a vestige of the film. I read these.
I read these, and I'm like, it's like somebody saying, like, what's that noise? And you're like, what noise?

Speaker 2 And I know that sounds schizophrenic.

Speaker 2 Well, to me, it seems like something that's like an old tone. It sounds like Buzzfeed-y almost.
But it's beyond, it's not like it's anachronistic. You're right.

Speaker 2 Yes, but it's also like it's just. It's a little anachronistic.
It's like a fucking, and I may have even said it, described it in this way before, but it's like a fucking, like a silent scream almost.

Speaker 2 It's like.

Speaker 2 No, that's how you feel. You feel powerless to do anything about it.
No, no, no. No, no, it has nothing to do with the way I'm.
You do. No.
Yes, you do. You said it earlier.
I did not.

Speaker 2 You said you're scared of the girls girls at Refinery 29. I'm not.

Speaker 2 You're annoying me because I'm trying to express what the thing is. Because I'm telling the truth.

Speaker 2 No, because you're doing the actually your dick is small thing in the middle of me just trying to articulate a thought. Well, by the way, your dick is small.
We can get to that later.

Speaker 2 We can talk about me being afraid of the refinery 29 girls later. Are you scared of it? Because of your dick? Because they laughed at his dick.
Because I had sex with all of them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but they said it was funny. Especially the fat ones.

Speaker 2 God, can you imagine? The girl that made that, though,

Speaker 2 can you imagine who she is? Yeah, her name's probably like Bart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
My name's Bart Friedland.

Speaker 2 Did Bart,

Speaker 2 her last name? Friedland. Something Jewish.
Yeah, probably. Some Jewish shit.
Yeah. Yeah.
She went to NYU. My name's Bart Cohen.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I majored in Sex in the City.

Speaker 2 I just got my my braces off and had them replaced with a different kind of braces.

Speaker 2 The watermark is the best part. Your own watermark

Speaker 2 stolen children. I have a fun social media job, and then I go home and strike out on Tinder every night while getting drunk off wine from the bodega.

Speaker 2 Just another night here in Bushwick.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Yeah, but it's cool that you're scared of them.
I'm not scared of them. You should get married to them.

Speaker 2 You're scared because you love them. Yeah.
Jeremiah sucked my dick all the time.

Speaker 2 How about I would

Speaker 2 you know what I would love? Taking a gun out and putting it to your head and pulling the fucking trigger.

Speaker 2 Blowing your fucking brains out. Come on, dude.
That's what I would be in love with. You know what I get married to?

Speaker 2 You don't have to get some of the

Speaker 2 fucking buoy knife and jamming it into your fucking skull. Come on.

Speaker 2 Looks like we hit a nerve, Adam. It looks like I'm just.

Speaker 2 Niggas scared of the Refinery 29, girl i've never even i don't even know what that website is

Speaker 2 i've never even heard of the fucking dude chill ass nick is shaking right now i've not i'm not

Speaker 2 i'm not he's you're literally shaking i'm not you're literally i have parkinson's

Speaker 2 no you don't i have parkinson's because i was never afraid of anything and so i ate a bunch of chemicals when i was younger on a day or whoa you have parkinson's anytime you look at the refinery 29 girl no i always have parkinson's no you don't shake when it when when you look at other stuff.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute, Marty, you got Parkinson's? You've got Parkinson's. I didn't know you were retarded.
That's fucking gay.

Speaker 2 What the fuck, Barty? That's the gayest shit out of her.

Speaker 2 I'm going to the future and I'm going to slap your shaky ass.

Speaker 2 I'm going to slap the Parkinson's out of you. I'm going to slap the black off your ass, Marty.

Speaker 2 Jeremiah

Speaker 2 Time to talk about a little website called mybookie.aguit mybookie.ag

Speaker 2 mybookie.ag

Speaker 2 The cold autumn winds are coming through the air. That means football season.
Football season is back, folks.

Speaker 2 It's time to have sex with your friends. Time to have sex for money with your friends.
It's cuffing season, and it's time to bet which one of your friends you're going to knock up.

Speaker 2 Will this be the time you both say fuck it to going and getting the abortion?

Speaker 2 Is it time to have not a mistake, but a fuck it? Who cares, maybe?

Speaker 2 Bet on which one of your friends you're gonna just lazily knock up

Speaker 2 and then say, I'm probably sterile

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 why wouldn't I be at this point?

Speaker 2 Let me tell you this. It's certainly not in my heart or my soul

Speaker 2 to father a child.

Speaker 2 You can keep it, I guess. I don't care.
I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 Whatever. You want 50 bucks a month? Who cares?

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 I think somehow I can manage being a weekend dad and not end up as a fucking just piece of shit deadbeat.

Speaker 2 The fantasy I have is the kids happy to see me once every six months

Speaker 2 you can bet on all of that when i'm still going to midnight releases

Speaker 2 just to see what's going on not even to buy anything

Speaker 2 because i like the vibe

Speaker 2 i like i just i like a vibe check i like to say to guys i remember when i used to do this kind of shit before i had a kid before i was a dad before i was

Speaker 2 going dude i got i just mentioned my kid trying to get new pussy

Speaker 2 when I'm trying to make new pussy happen. Because I heard that bitches like fathers.

Speaker 2 Yep. So go to buybookie.ag

Speaker 2 and blow your savings.

Speaker 2 But you won't. Instead of having a kid, why don't you lose all your money gambling on sports?

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Fuck it.

Speaker 2 You end up just as shitty as your own father? Yeah, who cares? Then things are just the same. They're the way they should have been.
But with my bookie, you have an opportunity to transcend that.

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It's not a trap set up. It's State Department.
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Very good fucking deal.

Speaker 2 You put deposit down, a match for deposit up to $1,000. You hear that, you fucking idiots.
And they got pictures of all major credit cards on the website.

Speaker 2 You take a picture of your credit card, you mail it to my bookie, P.O. Box 5862.

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Speaker 2 because they laughed at Stalin's penis

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Yeah. No super contestant?

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Just send a picture of your wife's pussy

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Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
It actually does. It does matter because

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Speaker 2 That we did, because this podcast is not about being funny, it's about selling

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Speaker 2 and fake drugs.

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Speaker 2 Bet win, get pussy. Between get pussy.
I cannot wait to get pussy. I cannot wait.

Speaker 2 if you rape enough guys, they let you get pussy. They put me in gulag where they fuck my boot chicks.

Speaker 2 They bent me over and they say, You have become you have been dissident, and now it is time to get fucked in your boot chicks.

Speaker 2 I said, Why do you fuck me in my boot checks?

Speaker 2 My boot checks. My boot checks.
They put a pianist in my boot checks.

Speaker 2 I become so painfully fucked in my bootiacs

Speaker 2 that I cannot walk. I try to take a shit in my ass, my booty acts hurt so much that I shit out of my own mouth.
Out comes tiny watch pieces.

Speaker 2 I don't know, it's like I become

Speaker 2 Alec Baldwin. I am coming to buy Alec from the movie how you say Ross Gary Glen Grossi

Speaker 2 Ross de Grossi de Grossi.

Speaker 2 Glen Gary

Speaker 2 de Grassy? Glen Gary de Grossi. Glenn Gary Grossy.
Wait, no, it's in there somewhere.

Speaker 2 Glengary. Whatever that mashup is.
Glengary de Grossi? Glen Gary Denny.

Speaker 2 Den Grassy. Glen Grossi.

Speaker 2 DeGross.

Speaker 2 Glenn DeGrassy, Del Grossi.

Speaker 2 Del de Grassy, Glen Grossi.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 Whatever it takes. I know I'm going to make it through.
You hear that, you fucking piece of shit?

Speaker 2 We can't be the best. You better be.
Or it's your fucking ass.

Speaker 2 I know I can make it through.

Speaker 2 I watched like five episodes of The Grassy. What have you seen all of them? I've watched every episode of the Greek Coach.
He loves it. It is his favorite.
It's a great show.

Speaker 2 You saw the one where Drake got shot? Yeah. Damn.
Classic. You know who he gets shot by? It's so funny, dude.
There's like a fat girl character on the show. Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 And then there's like a freak nerd. And then the freak nerd starts dating the fat girl character.
And they make fun of him. And then he starts beating her.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 And he likes bounces her head off a piece of concrete. Jesus Christ.
And she's just off the show.

Speaker 2 And then he's still in school. And then people go back to bullying him for like beating the girl to death.
And then he brings a gun to school and he's like, This is what you get for laughing at me.

Speaker 2 And Drake's like, I ain't trying to get no shot in no damn school.

Speaker 2 I ain't trying to get no damn shot in no damn school.

Speaker 2 He's like, this is what you get, Drink.

Speaker 2 God damn.

Speaker 2 Shot me in my motherfucking ass.

Speaker 2 I got shot in my motherfucking boy, you cheese.

Speaker 2 He gets shot in the ass. Yeah, and he's paralyzing the waist down.
But the bullet goes into his ass?

Speaker 2 Whatever, man. Who cares? He's in a wheelchair.
God. But that's like a children's show.
Like, there's no breasts. It's teenagers.
What are you, like, a fucking teenager or something?

Speaker 2 What are you fucking fucking? You call yourself a teenager, you piece of shit.

Speaker 2 They fuck me in like a bunch of people.

Speaker 2 Part of that speech, Alec Baldwin just turns around and goes, you hear me, you fucking faggots.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 For real, that's just part of it.

Speaker 2 Damn, hell yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you say, brass balls or something? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You need brass balls. You know what you need to do that?

Speaker 2 You need a pair of nuts.

Speaker 2 Is this Michael Douglas in that role?

Speaker 2 You know what you have to do?

Speaker 2 You know what you need. You have to get...
It's not just about making sales, it's about having sex.

Speaker 2 Every sale I've been on, every sit I went down on, I've had sex.

Speaker 2 If it's a woman, great. If it's a man, a couple, I'll have sex with both of them.
I've had sex.

Speaker 2 I've made love to every one of my clients, and that's how I close sales.

Speaker 2 I'm sure what you're thinking. You're sitting there, what is this guy? Some kind of faggot.

Speaker 2 What is this guy?

Speaker 2 He's just sucking people off to get them to make real estate deals. Sure, you can look at it that way.

Speaker 2 Another way you can look at it is: I'm the guy that's keeping his job

Speaker 2 because I do what it has to have to.

Speaker 2 Man does what he has to do. He should

Speaker 2 be basically a prostitute.

Speaker 2 Alec Baldwin comes in. Who the fuck is this?

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Where am I? I think I'm in the wrong office.
You fellas need head. Yeah.
I'll do you all 50 a pop. I'll leave, but let me ask you this first.

Speaker 2 Is anyone trying to get their dick selled for $5?

Speaker 2 Levine's about to raise his hand. Ricky Roma's like, just give him a dick.
No.

Speaker 2 You know, don't do it.

Speaker 2 Levine, don't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, cut it off. No.

Speaker 2 What the hell is this? This guy just comes in the office, tries to suck everybody's dick for $5?

Speaker 2 You don't like it, pal? You can suck your own dick.

Speaker 2 You can make love to your own dick.

Speaker 2 I'm here to have sex.

Speaker 2 I'm here to have sex with guys.

Speaker 2 I'm here to get fucked in my ass.

Speaker 2 My least favorite character in that movie, the lady who steals a sale from

Speaker 2 fucking Pacino, dude, by making her husband say no.

Speaker 2 You remember that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 All ladies and all of David Mamma things are villains. Whores.
Dumb, stupid villains. I love the end of House of Games

Speaker 2 where

Speaker 2 Joe Montagnier just gets shot and he's just like,

Speaker 2 you fucking bitch.

Speaker 2 He's just like, it was you, you fucking bitch.

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah, whatever. That's the ending, yeah.

Speaker 2 The whole time, it was you. We couldn't figure out who it was, but it was you, you fucking slut, you fucking bitch.

Speaker 2 Powerful. Let me look it up.
Many gotta watch it. Calling a woman a bitch.
Nothing better. There's no better way to fucking own her ass, even if she's killing you.

Speaker 2 It's called House of Games. A House of Games.
You ever see it? No. I like that movie.

Speaker 2 Oh, great. A commercial.

Speaker 2 What's it a commercial for? I don't know. Every fucking commercial now is like

Speaker 2 it's just a fucking ad for Kamala Harris.

Speaker 2 It's Kamala Harris putting people in jail in slow motion. And then it's like the Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Speaker 2 You can't bluff someone who's not paying attention.

Speaker 2 Are you nuts? What are you, nuts? I want you to beg me. Fuck you, I'm not gonna beg you for a goddamn thing.
Beg me. It's a goddamn bluff.
You're all bluff.

Speaker 2 What are you gonna kill me and then go to jail? Give up all that good shit that you have? Your bestseller, that doctor stuff, all that stuff you're trying so hard to protect.

Speaker 2 You're gonna give that up? It's not my pistol, I was never here.

Speaker 2 Beg for your life, or I'm going to kill you. Hey,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 I can't help it. I'm out of control.
Hey, no, I. Beg me for your life.
Hey, fuck you. This is what you always wanted, you crooked bitch.
You thief?

Speaker 2 You always need to get caught because you know you're bad. I never hurt anybody.
I never shot anybody. You sought this out.
This is what you always wanted. I knew it the first time you came in.

Speaker 2 You're worthless, you know it. You're a whore.

Speaker 2 I'm off to its own vomit, you sick bitch. I'm not gonna give you shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I forgot that that's the final line is thank you sir, may I have another when she shot him like three times

Speaker 2 who is the who's the bitch lady? I don't know that actress's name. Lindsay Kraus.

Speaker 2 Fucking who

Speaker 2 you're a bitch. You're a bitch.
What are you going to do? Give it up? Give up everything? All that doctor stuff?

Speaker 2 The best seller?

Speaker 2 I mean, I like really enjoy David Mammon, but it's funny because it's so easy to like just tear his shit apart. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 2 but it's good. I don't understand why.
You know?

Speaker 2 Sometimes, dude, the best shit.

Speaker 2 I've watched House of Games probably like 15 times. And every time I'm like, this is autistic.
This is fucking autistic writing and acting, but fuck if I don't enjoy it.

Speaker 2 Hmm. You were drawn to autistic writing, I guess.
They got movies now. Let me tell you.
I guess that'll be on the premium. Oh, is that the other one? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, who fucking even knows? I like that.

Speaker 2 I wish that episode had just been entirely bad and we could surgically remove that bit and put it in this one. Right.

Speaker 2 So if you guys are waiting for the premium this week, which you can always get by going to Patreon.com. Patreon.com/slash

Speaker 2 come town.

Speaker 2 And forking up five bucks a fucking month. Yeah, just skip ahead until you hear the

Speaker 2 Donald Trump impression.

Speaker 2 Skip ahead until you hear the.

Speaker 2 I don't even remember. I ain't giving you shit, you fucking whore.
Bitch. You bitch whore.

Speaker 2 You're bluffing. It's just a bluff.
It's all a big bluff. What are you going to do? Kill me and then go to jail?

Speaker 2 Like some kind of bitch?

Speaker 2 It's not my gun. I was never here.

Speaker 2 That seems like a fun movie, but now I know the ending. Damn, I'm trying to have diarrhea.

Speaker 2 I had a bunch of ice cream.

Speaker 2 I will when I go home. Nice.

Speaker 2 It's funny. I like, I never thought I was lactose intolerant or whatever, but like Scott Chaplin was telling me, he's like, yeah, I didn't think so either.

Speaker 2 But this doctor lady told me that if your stomach's like distended all the time, it's because you're having some kind of like gastric allergy. And I'm like, oh, I'm like that constantly.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's because you're a quarter Jewish. Well,

Speaker 2 I never went. I don't think I'm lactose intolerant, but I think I might have like a mild peanut allergy or something.
A peanut. Because I get that shit when I fucking like eat

Speaker 2 like half a jar of peanut butter.

Speaker 2 Well, you're not supposed to eat half a jar. What do you mean I'm not supposed to do it?

Speaker 2 Why don't you shut shut up, you fucking bitch?

Speaker 2 Take a little bit and put it on the bottom. That's what you're going to do? You're going to tell me how much peanut butter I can eat?

Speaker 2 You're going to tell me how much I can eat like some kind of fucking whore would.

Speaker 2 Fuck you. I'll eat as much peanut butter as I want to.

Speaker 2 Has Joan Montagna ever been good in anything? He was good in the Midnight Dancer trilogy. What was that? Midnight Dancer 1.
Midnight Dancer 2. It's 1 a.m.
now. And Midnight Dancer 3.

Speaker 2 Holy shit, I've been dancing till 7 a.m.

Speaker 2 The third one, obviously, the best of the series. That's where he breaks his legs tap dancing and he has to get a job sucking dick in a real estate office.

Speaker 2 Oh, in the Glenner Glenn Ross office. Joe Montagna was, you know, doing House of Games at the time, so they had to get Michael Douglas to play the iconic role of the cock-sucking legless man.

Speaker 2 Oh, I didn't even realize he was legless.

Speaker 2 You may have just now noticed that I don't have legs. Horns are so powerful.

Speaker 2 How do you think I lost my legs? Sitting around like some kind of Vietnam cry baby?

Speaker 2 No, I was dancing.

Speaker 2 A Vietnam crybaby.

Speaker 2 But like some kind of pussy, some kind of gay bitch.

Speaker 2 I danced all night long the way a man dances.

Speaker 2 Like some bitch would. I don't dance for fun.
I do it because it's a job. I do it because it brings home the bacon.

Speaker 2 You think I'm some slut that's going out with their friends to dance, maybe get fucked at the end of the night?

Speaker 2 I'm dancing for work. I'm dancing for Mitch and Murray.

Speaker 2 I'm dancing for the guys down at

Speaker 2 the shop, the union bosses.

Speaker 2 That's who I'm dancing for. Oh, yeah.
I'm dancing for all the guys that got sucked into machines.

Speaker 2 Back when fellas like us, they had nothing to dance for. They were making pennies on the hour.

Speaker 2 And that's how I lost my legs.

Speaker 2 This day.

Speaker 2 Can you get the fuck out of here so I can do my speech?

Speaker 2 No one wants you to start their cock. No one cares.

Speaker 2 Dragging a legless Michael Douglas out of the office. Remember.
Black Lives Matter.

Speaker 2 Oh, cops are bastards. All cops are bastards.
Black Lives Matter.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 At him with his gay ass little corduroys.

Speaker 2 Stop calling them gay, dude. Sorry, I must.
They're nice. You need to get them tailored.
I might need to get them tailored slightly. You smell that little fart just escaped my ass? Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 2 I farted it earlier in the episode, and now that you said anything, I thought it was very professional of you. Didn't hear it.
I didn't hear it. It was an SBD.

Speaker 2 It probably just fucking slid out of your ass. Stop, can you give me a ride, home? Yeah.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Hello, everyone. Well, it looks like we're wrapping up.
So go to stavi.biz and buy some fucking tickets to see me. I'm going to be in.
Where are you going to be, Stav? By the time this comes out.

Speaker 2 Ooh, the Wuhaha in Worcester, Mass.

Speaker 2 We've got some tickets left for the 5 o'clock show, the early show.

Speaker 2 And then I'm going to be at Royersford PA on the 16th, and then at McGooby's Joke House, Good Old Baltimore, Halloween weekend.

Speaker 2 So come suck me off. Buy some fucking shirts over there.
All that good stuff.

Speaker 2 And fuck you suck my dick

Speaker 2 etc

Speaker 2 and if you want t-shirts come dot town

Speaker 2 we got nick's got some good ones

Speaker 2 boy pussy adam.

Speaker 2 oh yeah I forgot I sell t-shirts. If you want some boy pussy atom.freedland

Speaker 2 it's also just a suggestion

Speaker 2 if you don't have to I would I would definitely recommend just

Speaker 2 getting off your phone permanently.

Speaker 2 Just stop using the internet.

Speaker 2 You're saying that to the listener. Because I really have had a clean break for the most part.

Speaker 2 You've been good. It's honestly, I mean, it really is.
I just kind of like, it ran out. There's nothing I can extract from it anymore.

Speaker 2 The point of the internet is to find the clip where Joan Montagna calls a woman a bitch. That's it, dude.

Speaker 2 I mean, maybe you check in and you just fucking look at that, and then you just go right back to like, I don't know, do a crossword or something

Speaker 2 to figure out.

Speaker 2 I feel great.

Speaker 2 I mean I don't feel great I feel like normal you know what I mean yeah yeah

Speaker 2 I know I was off when I was in Baltimore and it's creeping back in I'm gonna get off again yeah you just gotta put the phone down and like because once you separate from it for a little bit you don't miss it yeah you don't you really fucking don't

Speaker 2 but it also just it's so easy to slide back in yeah I mean the best way to do it is like I found is just leave your phone at home and go for like a 45 minute walk in the morning like wake up early

Speaker 2 yeah start your day off. If you can like not look at your phone first thing in the morning and then figure out a way to just like have a coffee, go for a walk.

Speaker 2 Or like, you know, on your commute or whatever you're fucking doing, just like don't check the phone in the morning and then see if you can make once you start making it to like midday, then it's easy.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? You just stop giving a shit. Yeah.
Because it's fucking boring. I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, check out a book called The Turner Diaries. Also,

Speaker 2 what's that? Oh, it's like a racist book. Well, that's

Speaker 2 inspired the book. It's a book.

Speaker 2 It's a book, you know? I mean, it's better than

Speaker 2 using a racist phone

Speaker 2 that's made out of Chinese people

Speaker 2 and African batteries. That's his whole thing, is, yeah, it's just African and Chinese people.
Yeah, sure, sure. I don't even see this.
I just see what jing chong, boo, jam, chong.

Speaker 2 Okay, you know, that's going to do it for us, bro. Oh, look at this thing, and I just want to.
All right, the episode is over.

Speaker 2 All right, the red button. Hit the red button.