Ep. 212 – Handing It Off

Speaker 1 Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is just when I want my wardrobe to be simple.
Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and things I'll actually wear. For me, that's Quince.

Speaker 1 And the bonus, Quince pieces make a great gift, too. This season's lineup is simple but smart and easy with Quince.

Speaker 1 $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like everyday luxury, and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable.

Speaker 1 Their denim nails, the fit, and everyday comfort, all at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay.

Speaker 1 By partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost, ooh, half the cost of other high-end brands.

Speaker 1 So you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag. Guys, with Christmas around the corner, my girlfriend has added two extra names to my Christmas list this year.

Speaker 1 Her father and brother. And what am I getting them? I'm getting them $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters.
But, guys, I've never seen a Mongolian cashmere sweater for under $350.

Speaker 1 So take advantage of what is clearly

Speaker 1 some sort of glitch on their website with $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Guys, give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince.

Speaker 1 Go to quince.com/slash T-A-F-S for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too.

Speaker 1 that's quince.com slash t-a-f-s free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash t-a-f-s

Speaker 2 that's

Speaker 2 a great point and that's why i'm glad i finally got to come i i came to come town for the geopolitics y'all y'all really y'all really paid attention to social studies class oh yeah that was my best subject for sure come on social studies was my shit

Speaker 3 so i was i was a fucking i was a little I was a little AP history slut.

Speaker 2 Ew, yeah, that's nasty. That's me, D.

Speaker 2 I used to sell candy for Model UN. I wasn't in Model UN.

Speaker 3 Respect.

Speaker 3 You had a couple points on the package?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Nice. Then one time I did get robbed.
Niggas took all my candy.

Speaker 3 That's fucking hilarious. Big respect for that.
Yeah, you know. So what, were Were you faking? Were you setting up like a fake? Were you trying to get people that wanted to support the model you end?

Speaker 3 You wanted to divert funds?

Speaker 2 I mean, I think I was more trying to divert funds. I was trying to get some slush money for myself.
I see. Yes.
You know? But then I ended up getting robbed before I even

Speaker 2 had to hit him off. I had to pay him back for the pack I lost.

Speaker 3 Oh, that was always... I used to love when the fuck.
What was that shit called? The Wolf something? Wolfsons?

Speaker 2 What the fuck was that chocolate? Oh, yo, y'all had some different shit up there, but I know what you're talking about. Just school, the little

Speaker 2 bars, school, school chocolate, the Easter Seals pack of chocolate, bro.

Speaker 3 When I realized that there was no, like, there was no like cosmic justice that meant you had to get a dollar every time you took one out.

Speaker 3 When I realized I could just eat as many chocolates as I wanted, and the pressure would be on my father and my mother to pay the difference, dude.

Speaker 3 I'm, I fucking cranked, like, yeah, we might as well be. I fucking cranked like 11, fucking cranked like $11 with the chocolates.
They had a toffee flavor. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Did you ever embezzle from the school, the school, a chocolate fund, Adam?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 My mom would just take it to work and then sell all my shit for me.

Speaker 2 Just jigging. Marcaris and chocolates, that kind of shit.
Wow. Virginia Diner Peanuts.

Speaker 2 Any of y'all have Virginia Diner Peanuts? Nah. Yeah, that's that South shit.
Yeah, we used to smell it.

Speaker 3 Never made it up to the Mason Dick shit.

Speaker 2 They had us selling Confederate peanuts, guys.

Speaker 2 So I could go on a bandfield trip.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 Cancel those motherfuckers.

Speaker 3 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 What were they called? Confederate what?

Speaker 2 It was Virginia Diner Peanuts, but Virginia.

Speaker 2 Just having Virginia in the name, that ain't. Of course.
Yeah, you know what it is.

Speaker 2 Where was

Speaker 2 it called? School of the Burning Cross.

Speaker 2 What was it?

Speaker 2 They saw Confederate. I went to Evangel.

Speaker 2 Where'd you go?

Speaker 2 You went to what? I went to Evangel

Speaker 2 Christian Polytechnical. Nah.
Very nice. Herman Goering High.

Speaker 2 They had, they changed the name of one of the elementary schools I went to when I was a little kid. He was like a Confederate.
Pedophile. Confederate pedophile.
Yeah, Confederate pedophile.

Speaker 3 I love that they even, they continued to name it. It wasn't even the big guys.
It was like the most minor Confederates of all time got middle schools and shit.

Speaker 3 Just like the guy, the guy who would like, the guy who like prepared the whiskey for the fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's the one.

Speaker 2 Jefferson Davis. We're going to stamp him when we

Speaker 2 molding the youth of America. You ain't fooling me.
That's right.

Speaker 3 Beauregard Pussythin the 42nd.

Speaker 3 We're going to have Beauregard Polytechnic Institute.

Speaker 3 Anyway, folks, listen, we might as well. Why don't we just

Speaker 3 introduce everyone, see what's going on.

Speaker 3 Look, you've been asking for it. We heard you.

Speaker 3 An episode without Nick.

Speaker 3 We can't get enough DMs where you're like, I'm tired of hearing about, I'm tired. Time for Adam to shine.
I want to hear Stop do something other than laugh. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And here's what it is. Damn, here's your episode.
And

Speaker 2 it's about damn time.

Speaker 3 We've seized, me and Adam unionized. We actually seized the means of production, and

Speaker 3 the labor, the working class, has stolen it from fucking Mr.

Speaker 2 I know we make fun of a lot of guys on the Reddit that were like, if in real life Adam knew me, he wouldn't even be friends with Nick Rostov. You know, there are a lot of those kind of guys.

Speaker 2 And it's true. I probably would be friends with you.

Speaker 3 You know, that's true.

Speaker 2 Well, okay, that's a little joke.

Speaker 3 The reality is, Nick called us and he had shortness of breath. He was having trouble.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he seems like he's been talking way too much shit and he got the damn COVID-19. So,

Speaker 3 how awesome would it be if that motherfucker had Corona?

Speaker 2 It would be like when he lost all that money in Bitcoin. Honestly, it would feel just as good.

Speaker 2 When I seen him with the tarantula beard, I did begin to wonder. Oh, no, that is booming.

Speaker 2 That's a brain thing.

Speaker 2 That's not a rain thing. That's got nothing to do with that thing.

Speaker 2 I was like, I thought that was COVID. He got into Bitcoin when we were in Japan.
We were like on vacation. That's true.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. I forgot it was Japanese.

Speaker 2 And he stayed in the Airbnb the first two days to day trade. And I was like, do you want to go see some Buddhist temples or something? He's like, he's like, you guys don't understand money.

Speaker 2 He's like, honestly, you guys.

Speaker 2 And then like three days later, he's like, I just lost $100,000.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 God damn.

Speaker 3 I don't think it was that much. But yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, listen, he did. Listen, look, you got to spend money to make money.
Michael Douglas.

Speaker 2 That's That's also true.

Speaker 3 He was walking around Japan in a fucking double-pleated suit.

Speaker 2 Looking like Boiler Room.

Speaker 2 That's right. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, anyway, yeah.

Speaker 3 Prayers up for Nick. We hope for a quick recovery.

Speaker 3 And anyway, in the meantime, here's...

Speaker 3 It's the boy. It's the fucking...

Speaker 3 It's not a Classico.

Speaker 3 You and Nick are the dark alliance.

Speaker 2 It's a minor Classico. You feel me?

Speaker 2 It's like when the classico is in the little, like the Copa del Rey. It's like this is twist.

Speaker 3 This is like when Sprite Cranberry.

Speaker 2 Oh, Aruba Jam. That's Aruba Jam.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. This is like the most of the people hate it, but there's a weird minority that they fucking can't get it.

Speaker 2 This is. I thought we were going to go on a tour, the three of us, the triple XL Boys of Comedy.
The King. It's still on the board.

Speaker 2 And we were going to have a little tiny Bernie Mac in the corner.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I would just be a suit with my eyes poking out of the top.
Yes.

Speaker 3 That's right. That is true.
We are going to be the Triple XL Boys.

Speaker 3 Me and Jamel, we've talked about opening up a fats-only consignment store. We're still building.

Speaker 2 It's happening.

Speaker 3 And it's about, you know what? It's about time because Nick has, this is what's happened about, he's talking about starving yourself. It's time we made a plus size, a plus size episode.

Speaker 2 This is one for the fatties.

Speaker 2 This is a tough one.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, y'all got some thick joints.
Listen, slobs. About 50% of

Speaker 2 50% of our audience are larger women that do enjoy having sex a lot.

Speaker 2 Shouts out to them. You got the numbers on that? You got their numbers? I've got that printed out.
I got analytics. I was surprised.

Speaker 2 But big bitches makes some.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love that.

Speaker 3 Big booty hose. That's what the Libsyn printout says.
It has big.

Speaker 3 Damn. I wish that were true.
I would love some top of Duclio right now.

Speaker 2 Jamel,

Speaker 2 has your penis broken quarantine?

Speaker 2 Look, man,

Speaker 2 as a member of the cabin, like, I don't have to answer that question. That's what I'm a U.S.
senator, dog. You can't ask me that

Speaker 2 on a private podcast. You want to text it to me?

Speaker 2 I want respect, bro.

Speaker 3 I think we all, look, he pled the fifth. We all know it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, yes. Come on, man.
Don't press the man. My lawyer ain't here.
My lawyer told me not to even do the show because this is the last white thing I'm doing.

Speaker 2 First of all, I'm not doing no more white shit after this.

Speaker 2 Period.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, yeah, that makes sense. We actually, the last thing I, I've actually been investing my money, and thank God, I bought a lot of bottles of Aunt Jemima pancake mix.

Speaker 3 I bought a lot. I'm stockbuying that.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go hit up the fucking Red States and just make a fucking fortune selling the last remaining racist pancake mix there is.

Speaker 2 Go nuts, man. Get that Wyoming.
Get them Wyoming dollars. I've been going otherwise.
I got Vineyard Vines. I got the Vineyard Vines nuts.
Jeez, I'm trying to flip on these niggas.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking Vineyard Vines is going to be

Speaker 2 the next wave, actually.

Speaker 3 You think so? That's the next wave.

Speaker 2 I knew this kid, that kid that came to the live show, that male model.

Speaker 2 The first night I met him, that kid, the first night I met him, he was like, check out the fucking drip, dog. I got the fucking Vineyard Vaughn's hat, Vineyard Vaughn's polo.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I remember that shit, dog. Oh, yeah, you were there.

Speaker 2 That was in Virginia.

Speaker 2 I wasn't there when it was in LA, but y'all told me about it. You went to a

Speaker 2 what was it? It was like a Saudi prince-themed party. I was in the Jamel's birthday party to have an evil night.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it ended up being like the worst kind of evil.
We were. Yeah, I'm saying.

Speaker 2 That's what happened when you try and do cocaine off. We got

Speaker 2 off your own. We got a text that there was an Arabs and models party in the Hollywood Hills.
That's ridiculous.

Speaker 2 I was having a fun time with my friends. And you left us OB with Arabs and Models.

Speaker 2 I was at Jamel's birthday, and then I was like talking to LA Comics. And I was like, yes, I agree.
Intersectionality is hilarious. But I got to go to this.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I got to go to the Spottles and Arabs party in the Hollywood.
You shouldn't have had to deal with that. My bad.
No, I'm just kidding. I'll be trying.
No, it's true, son.

Speaker 2 I'll be on my El Politico, man.

Speaker 2 I watched a lot of Madam Secretary, so I'll be trying to

Speaker 2 bridge the gaps.

Speaker 2 Jamel's been binging the Michelle Obama documentary in quarantine.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He has a notorious RBG poster in his bedroom.

Speaker 3 I'm a Hillary guy. I'm an RBG guy personally.

Speaker 2 You know, I like it when they say

Speaker 2 mad bitches.

Speaker 2 Like it's like a

Speaker 2 Madeline Albright.

Speaker 2 I'm a Madeline Albright guy.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude. She always looked decrepit.
Was there ever a point in Madeline Albright's life where she was like, not even just hot, but just young looking? No, she probably looked like a,

Speaker 3 but she was probably slinging the pussy.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. That's why she was Secretary of State.
She was just fucking and sucking all over the globe.

Speaker 2 She sucked her mouth.

Speaker 2 That's what it's about.

Speaker 3 You know, she had a very wrinkly pussy, by the way. If I had to bet my money on anything, it would be an abnormal amount of flaps on Madeline Albright.

Speaker 2 Hell, extra flap.

Speaker 3 Everybody got a taste.

Speaker 2 That's nasty.

Speaker 3 Everybody got. Al Gore's got one cheek.
One pussy cheek.

Speaker 3 Bill Clinton's got the other.

Speaker 2 If Al Gore was striking Madeline Albright,

Speaker 2 drink this cock.

Speaker 2 my cock.

Speaker 3 That feels good, Madeline.

Speaker 2 Take it to the balls, you flappy whore.

Speaker 2 This is solid. You rounded it.
That got it got good. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you, bro. Shout out to you.

Speaker 2 I just want to say the end of that Models and Arabs party is we get to the Hollywood Hills. It's like 1:45 a.m.
The place is surrounded in Los Angeles Police Department. Surrounded.

Speaker 2 And then we just waited. We took Ubers, so they dropped us off.
And then we were just waiting outside, like a high school party, like waiting for the cops to leave.

Speaker 2 And then, like, we saw there were like girls inside.

Speaker 2 And there, and they were like, can we just go in?

Speaker 2 I like went up to the door. It was like this rich dude.
She dealt with this rich dude paid for security. And I was like, I was like,

Speaker 2 yeah, it was the

Speaker 2 one. Don't lie.

Speaker 2 Don't lie, nigga. It was Crystal Leah.
It was.

Speaker 3 He does have something in common with Arab lords. You know what I'm saying? They're tasting.

Speaker 2 Boots. How they wear their boots.

Speaker 2 He dresses a lot like a fucking

Speaker 3 Iranian man. Like an Iranian oil.

Speaker 2 He's obsessed with Armani. Armani Exchange.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Armani Exchange for sure.

Speaker 2 It was a lot of Fakuck and Armani Exchange kind of.

Speaker 2 uh, yeah. Any dude who wears the see-through tops, you know, how the shirts be like, kind of like, yes, sheer.
Yeah, that was my

Speaker 2 that was my uh, that was my summer uh vision board, actually. I was gonna go net open shirt wife beater underneath, but COVID had

Speaker 2 to light up for me

Speaker 2 if you started doing like Jamaican, like gang, like

Speaker 2 net

Speaker 2 single mesh top,

Speaker 2 yes, I want to go slashes in the eyebrow.

Speaker 2 Hair net.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're all your nets everywhere.

Speaker 2 Shirt net hair.

Speaker 2 This nigga like a tuna, dressed like a tuna, caught.

Speaker 3 I love that.

Speaker 3 Let me get some pussy. Let me get some pussy.

Speaker 2 Just talking like a Sean DePaul kind of aesthetic. Sean DePaul.
Yeah. Ponder replay.

Speaker 3 Hey, Mr. DJ.
Let's go.

Speaker 2 Anyway, we leave the. We wait.
Another Uber comes 20 minutes later. We're waiting.
We're not being let in.

Speaker 2 I told the security at the at the house, the Arab security guys, I was like, I left my inhaler inside. And they were like,

Speaker 2 they would have.

Speaker 2 I was like, excuse me.

Speaker 2 I was already inside of my inhalers in there. I could die.

Speaker 2 And then,

Speaker 2 that's bold of you. I like that.

Speaker 3 That's bold of you to double down on being Jewish and an Arab female.

Speaker 2 I was like, I just want to say,

Speaker 2 I respect the Emiratis. I respect the Saudi royals.
Please let me in because my inhaler isn't there. I left it in a girl's pussy.

Speaker 2 And wait.

Speaker 2 So we leave. The Uber comes.
It takes forever to get up to the Hollywood Hills. We get back down to sunset.
It's 2 a.m. LA fucking sucks.
Every bar closes at 1.30 a.m. It's like not like New York.

Speaker 3 That is weird. I do find that shit.

Speaker 2 We go to bed. I don't get why, but you know.

Speaker 2 So, some of the people we were with were like, we go to their apartment and they were like, oh, we might have a bottle of wine at the apartment. We get there, zero alcohol.

Speaker 2 Everyone, hysterical. All anyone has is cocaine.
So

Speaker 3 just soberly, soberly doing cocaine with 19-year-old male bottles of Adam.

Speaker 2 He was the 19-year-old, but everyone else was around our edge. But, but

Speaker 2 anyway, the 19-year-old male model gets a text, right? We're soberly doing Coke. Everyone's hitting Jewel so hard, just like

Speaker 2 pacing around this one-bedroom apartment. It's awful.
It's like 4 a.m. I was like, I would kill someone just for a beer.
I want a beer so bad. And the male model gets a text.

Speaker 2 He's like, yo, my fucking boy is downtown. There's a warehouse party.
He's like, after hours, they got drinks there. And so I was like, let's fucking go.

Speaker 2 We got to fucking go.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're gacked up.

Speaker 2 I was like, get it.

Speaker 2 Let's go. I get there.
So the Arabs. The Airbnbs never let us in.
Yeah, first. The police were surrounded me.
He was outside the whole time. We never got it.

Speaker 2 We never got in.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 we get to the warehouse party.

Speaker 2 Me and Brandon Wardell walk in. They're like,

Speaker 2 I had a $100 bill.

Speaker 2 They're like, covers $20. I was like, I don't give a fuck.
Brandon's like,

Speaker 2 can I vend my?

Speaker 2 And I was like, God, okay, fine. Right? So I pay for Brandon and I.
The rest of the crew we're with are like, we don't have cash. I was like, I just have to get a drink.
I get into this fucking rave.

Speaker 2 It is the scariest place I've been in my entire life. It's like the, it's like the Zion rave, but like from hell.
There was, I remember I walked in, the first person I see was a fucking amputee.

Speaker 2 There was a guy missing.

Speaker 2 And I don't know if I was like fucked up. It seemed like everyone was injured.
It seemed like it was terrifying.

Speaker 3 The invalids ball.

Speaker 2 The music was horrific. And I was like, Brandon, let's go to the bar.
I just need one drink and then we go home. And Brandon's like, I don't like it.

Speaker 2 It's scary.

Speaker 2 I'm scared.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 so we go. Oh my.
We go to the bar. You niggas was at Walter Reed Hospital.

Speaker 2 This was not even in the same city as me.

Speaker 2 Oh, by the way, like, I met, so the, the,

Speaker 3 just putting fuck, just putting fucking strobe lights on and stealing all the fucking oxy that that that recent war veterans were being given.

Speaker 2 Those kind of parties.

Speaker 2 Also, I talked, I was in the Uber with the male model

Speaker 2 and brandon and one other person my my friend and uh i was like so you're but a boy and he's like no dude i'm not a butt boy and i was like no

Speaker 2 no you're just a boy and he's like he's like yeah dude like me and my mom moved here when i was 16 uh from phoenix

Speaker 3 so i could be a mom

Speaker 2 You're gonna be a model, son. You know, that woman has just

Speaker 3 nothing else.

Speaker 2 This is her beautiful boy.

Speaker 3 You're so gorgeous.

Speaker 3 I'm glad I tricked that NBA G-League player into nutting inside me so we could have you.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. She's wearing a leopard.
It's like a lot of leopards.

Speaker 2 She definitely

Speaker 2 dresses like she's like 16 still.

Speaker 2 And she's definitely in love with her son.

Speaker 2 I love this kid. This kid is my friend.

Speaker 3 Yeah, bathing with him.

Speaker 2 It's a miracle he's not getting. This kid, he came to Funny Moms and stuff absolutely destroyed him from the stage.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I did roast him. He will, again, he will get molested.
Like, I don't want it to happen, but

Speaker 3 there is a,

Speaker 3 I would say, 95% chance that some powerful gay man will make him, will make the gay, the producer will suck his dick for money.

Speaker 2 That's what's going to happen. Politician gay.
You know what I'm saying? He's not that type of gay.

Speaker 2 I really fuck with that kid. He's a cute kid.
He's a cute kid. No, he's, he's fun.
I mean, so then I was like, so why do you live in LA and not New York?

Speaker 2 Like, aren't there, isn't New York better for modeling? He's like, yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Like, I got dropped by my New York agent because I took a picture wearing a Make America Grade Again hat because I thought it was funny. And

Speaker 2 anyway, we get to this fucking rave. It's terrifying.
And we go to the bar. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Everyone there is like, it's like like a like fishnet, like arm sleeve, kind of, like, that kind of raver, like,

Speaker 2 early 2000s raver culture. It was, like, so weird.

Speaker 3 Yep.

Speaker 3 Guys with Chris Kirpatrick.

Speaker 2 Sink hair. 100%.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It was, like, yeah.

Speaker 3 That guy rocked. When are we canceling him for having those?

Speaker 2 Chris Kirkpatrick, you're on the

Speaker 3 Christa rhymes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Your time is coming, Chris.

Speaker 2 Your time is coming. You're going to walk around with that fucking pineapple triple X tentacion.

Speaker 2 You don't think we'll notice?

Speaker 2 Oh, nigga. Y'all hold us out.
You remember when Jeremy Lynn? Hold up. He looked at me.
Jeremy Lynn was out of the league. He was out of the league, though.

Speaker 2 And remember, he was like crying and he was like, yo, they kicked me out because I'm Asian. And then the next week he had cornrows.
I was like,

Speaker 2 what about the Giwano man his way back in?

Speaker 2 He was trying to be like,

Speaker 2 hello, fellow African Americans.

Speaker 2 Anyway, we get to the bar.

Speaker 2 It's these two, like,

Speaker 2 maybe in their 50s, like flannel butch lesbians. And I'm like, can I have

Speaker 2 a tequila soda? And then the woman just looks at me and she's like,

Speaker 2 like, Charles, like, speaking in tongues, like on PCP, kind of like, and I was like, and I was like, tequila soda. And she's like, we don't have that.
We don't have that. We don't have that.

Speaker 2 I was like, what do you have? What do you have? And she's like, she points to this bottle of brown alcohol. I was like, two shots of that.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 And then she's like, and then she looks at me. She goes, $60.

Speaker 2 What are you going to do about it, B? For two Carlo Rossi's. Two Carlo Rossi's.
Mind you.

Speaker 3 Two Carlo Rossi's in a fucking.

Speaker 2 I had a $100 bill. I paid for Brandon and I to both get in.
Brandon clearly does not have money for the bar.

Speaker 2 So I pay $60.

Speaker 2 I've spent a hundred dollars in about thirty seconds and then we take a shot and then we leave and go home yep it was

Speaker 2 a whole experience cost a hundred dollars to go to hell

Speaker 2 i really thought i really thought that night was going to be the best night ever

Speaker 2 keep telling you man

Speaker 2 turn your life over to christ man for you man Dude, I know the gondol church.

Speaker 3 You could do that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you know what you fucked up. You know where you fucked up, Adam? Is you were looking for alcohol when really you should have been looking for some smokable CBD products.

Speaker 3 I think that's what we can all drink.

Speaker 2 Kaboom, bap, bap.

Speaker 2 I think we have a sound effect.

Speaker 3 Yeah, hold on a second.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh. Look at that.
Check the board.

Speaker 3 Adam, what you need to do is relax right now with some of Cushy Dreams smokable CBD. Smoke your CBD because you can.

Speaker 2 Look, man,

Speaker 3 I know there's a lot of people in the world that love the way wheat tastes, but hate getting high. I think we can all agree that's true.

Speaker 2 Jamil, you know, you like to smoke big, right?

Speaker 2 Look, dude, I don't blow big no more. I don't do that.
No, no more? Nah, dude. I'm running for public office.
I'm a Christian comedian. I don't blow big no more, but I would love an alternative.

Speaker 2 I would love to.

Speaker 2 I would love to hit the fruit without my mental getting all scrambled.

Speaker 3 Well, how would you like something that looks like high-quality marijuana, feels like high-quality marijuana, and tastes like high-quality marijuana, Mr. Johnson?

Speaker 3 I mean, the attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful flavor.

Speaker 2 Oh, y'all better be sending me a half pound of this shit for free for even

Speaker 2 getting it wrapped up. You're getting internet radio show.
Y'all better

Speaker 2 fold it up, send it on down.

Speaker 3 You're getting a quap, brother.

Speaker 2 Jamel, we thought the exposure for being on such a big platform would be enough. But if you want, yeah, thanks for the drink tickets, guys.
We got drinks. Of course, dude.

Speaker 2 I got to be honest.

Speaker 3 I have this. I, no joke, have.
I literally, I've been smoking so much weed.

Speaker 3 I've been getting so fucked up off edibles that I can't even remember a whole slew, a slew of days. And I literally went to my bodega and bought some like very shitty, dried-out CBD.

Speaker 3 I bought a pre-roll and just gave myself a fucking headache.

Speaker 2 But when we're talking about

Speaker 3 that was before we had this fucking beautiful news sponsor, Cushy Dreams.

Speaker 2 Cushy Nightmares, Holmes.

Speaker 3 I was having Cushy Nightmares

Speaker 3 over at the Bodega, but I got Cushy Dreams now. They got smokable CBD motherfucking flour.
Okay, they got the private reserve. They got the ultra premium.
They got the premium.

Speaker 2 Unleaded.

Speaker 3 You think there's just premium? No, bitch. There's also ultra premium.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 3 You know what I'm saying? It's like they got nitro, nitrogen seal.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 They got nos

Speaker 2 all right yeah they put a nitrous in that nos if yeah if paul walker was smoking cushy dreams he'd still be alive today bro i'll tell you that

Speaker 3 um they got pre-rolls each pre-rolls a fucking gram bro okay

Speaker 3 okay whatever the fuck you want they got sativas they got indicas it does not get you high but it gives you that body effect brother um you they got relax peace create hustle if you're trying to fuck

Speaker 2 you know what i'm saying i need to flip to get some work done.

Speaker 3 If you're trying to sell other people drugs while smoking something legal, fucking fire up a pre-roll of hustle. Okay? They got dream.
That's my shit.

Speaker 2 The nightlife hybrid. Puts me right through the body.
The hustle. Do a little wake and bake, rise and grind.

Speaker 2 And you see, like, THC opens up your third eye, but CBD

Speaker 2 is a body thing. So it opens up actually your third heart.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 actually,

Speaker 2 you get a third hole in between your dick and your asshole.

Speaker 3 Exactly. A hole that if you get fucked there, you're not gay.

Speaker 2 It's a loophole. It's not gay.

Speaker 3 That's a loophole. You got to smoke enough CBD to have

Speaker 3 a mythical pussy, a straight pussy. Wow.
And that's how you're getting fucked.

Speaker 2 What a strange angle to get fucked at. But

Speaker 2 it makes sense to me.

Speaker 3 And it hits you right in the back of the ball, so it feels great.

Speaker 2 It hits the back. It hits right in is the hat the back balls penetrate your back balls

Speaker 2 did this company write back balls for y'all in the copy

Speaker 2 we're trying to make money right can you penetrate

Speaker 3 and if you're a woman they there's another there's a even smaller pussy inside your pussy that you get um so that's great if you have a guy with i was working at a summer camp once

Speaker 2 and one of the other counselors uh looked in the camper's confidential medical records Apparently, one of the campers,

Speaker 2 apparently, one of the campers had three pussies. Not lying.

Speaker 2 I'm not making this up.

Speaker 3 Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? That's how it is. Catholic-style pussy.

Speaker 3 One for your husband?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's got to be coming handy.

Speaker 2 You save one pussy for your husband. That's the husband hole.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 You got one pussy for the weekends.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Wait, there's an episode of Tyra Banks when she had a talk show.

Speaker 2 Do you remember? I remember that. She had, so she had a woman on who had had multiple pussies, and then a bunch of people wrote in.

Speaker 2 And then the next episode, I'm butchering what the opening line was, but it was

Speaker 2 before you, 10 women on stage and 30 vaginas.

Speaker 2 What a dream. Set me loose, bro.
I thought you were about to say

Speaker 2 that. She put on a third suit.
I thought you were about to say she put on a three-pussy suit. Like, remember, she had the fat suit.
She went around town with a camera. I remember that.

Speaker 2 I had a camera when I was a little bit. Social experiment.
See how people treat me when they find out I have three pussies. Three pussies.

Speaker 3 I have three pussies.

Speaker 3 She's just at a subway ordering a sandwich. She's like, I have three pussies, by the way.

Speaker 3 Anyway, listen,

Speaker 3 if you're ever in that position and you find yourself in a room with 10 women but 30 pussies, what you're going to want to do is smoke a whole fucking eighth, a whole 3.5 grams of cushy dreams, create the sativa dominant day.

Speaker 2 You can have a sativa. You know what I'm saying? Or the hustle.

Speaker 3 Or the energy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 They got high. You can have it in the couch CBD.

Speaker 3 You can have an in-the-couch CBD. So smoke that hustle, fuck with your one penis, fuck all 30 of those pussies, and open open up your own

Speaker 3 little little ball pussy

Speaker 2 open up

Speaker 2 open up your little ball pussy get it big time when are they gonna do a cbd for pcp i want to smoke dust but it only makes me feel like i'm strong that's right

Speaker 2 you don't think that the devil is trying to kill you but you get just killed yeah i'm just i just you lift cars i love that

Speaker 3 And from what I understand, our friends over at Cushy Dreams are working on that right now. But for the time being, what you're going going to want to do is go to cushydreams.com.

Speaker 3 That's K-U-S-H-Y Dreams with the K, Cushy Dreams. And at checkout, you're going to use promo code ComeTown for 20% off your first order.

Speaker 2 I can't believe you mentioned that promo codes. Oh, we are mostly.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 Smoke your CBD.

Speaker 3 Smoke your CBD because you can.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 3 So.

Speaker 3 I'm with you though, Jamil. I think you're in a really good point.
I think you're making a really good point about

Speaker 3 we need cbd for it for all kinds of drugs yeah you know cbd for pc cbd for shirm i want yeah i want some i want some uh some spice cbd

Speaker 2 oh man

Speaker 2 some spicy bd

Speaker 2 you

Speaker 3 yeah i love that that's that's a great idea adam um damn three pussies

Speaker 3 one of the key

Speaker 3 i feel i mean that's up to know

Speaker 3 that's all that you're on your dahlia knowing this and I did not hack into the medical records.

Speaker 2 I was just told. And it wasn't a hack.
I think they just read some binder.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 What happened to Chris Dahlia? Why? I'm offline these days, but

Speaker 3 he's a bunch of like, oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 2 He was sneaking some fucking little

Speaker 2 teen bitches in the club or something.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he was Snapchatting 17-year-olds and being like, can I see your pussy?

Speaker 2 Ew. Shit like that.
What the fuck, man?

Speaker 3 That's my Delia impression.

Speaker 2 It's not my. Wasn't bad.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 There's also, he also, it's really funny because there was like a clip people fucking circulated where he was like, yeah, dude, Hollywood, there's a big secret pedophile ring where every all the producers are passing around kids.

Speaker 3 Yeah, for sure, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait. He was a denier?

Speaker 2 Oh, come on, bro. Just don't speak on it.

Speaker 2 Why would you say that if you fucking? Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But so, since you moved out to LA, you've encountered any pedophile rings, Jamel.

Speaker 2 Fuck me, nigga. You know, I don't go outside, man.
No. Nothing.
You go to Ralph.

Speaker 3 Have you ever been propositioned for sex in the entertainment industry?

Speaker 2 Once, but. Jamel, you ever get casting couched?

Speaker 2 No, I had two couches in my apartment, though.

Speaker 2 That was the closest I got to that. Nobody trying to fuck me, man.

Speaker 3 I think me and Adam crashed.

Speaker 2 I slept on that double couch situation.

Speaker 3 We had a little sleepover. That was fun.

Speaker 3 There's got to be people that are out there fucking. sucking and fucking the plus-size boy.

Speaker 2 That's what I think. I mean, I'm trying to get casting couched.
For sure, but I was, you know, look, dude,

Speaker 2 don't even want to be successful. I'm trying to, like, I'm trying to stay below the poverty line and, you know what I mean? Just fucking get these little comedy dynamics credits, pay my life bills.

Speaker 2 Of course, brother.

Speaker 2 That would be great if there was like Brian Singer pool party, but it was only for big boys.

Speaker 2 Just like yeah, that would be awesome. Come in there, dude.
Just boy, man. Just wearing speedos.

Speaker 2 That would be fun.

Speaker 2 Oh, gold Speedos? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm in. James Cordon.
James Cordon. Come on.
James Gordon. Come on.
James Gordon.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You have to change into his drawers when you get there.

Speaker 3 Yep. That would be great.

Speaker 2 Today we're going to be doing Glorious Karaoke. Yeah.
Where you put your name. James Gordon's just waiting outside high schools, like getting boys to carpool karaoke in his car with him.

Speaker 3 He's checking out the JV football teams.

Speaker 3 See which D-linemen get cut from JV when they're at their most vulnerable.

Speaker 2 Fantastic nose tackle.

Speaker 3 Would you like to come in and have

Speaker 2 an ice cream cone in mind my escalade?

Speaker 3 You know, the Migos was sitting here just the other day.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Dude, I'm pretty sure James Corden is smooth down south.

Speaker 2 If he had any version of Jenna Taley, he would have caught the case by now.

Speaker 2 Nah, y'all got my man Cordon fucked up. Were you a Cordon apologist?

Speaker 2 LA is so political, Jamel. You can't talk shit on James Corden.

Speaker 2 We on the same intermural basketball team. Do you hoop with Corden?

Speaker 2 I hoop with Cordon, so back off.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to do stay. Well, when stand-up's over now, so who cares?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know. What? We'll be back 2022.
It's not happening, bro. Nah, I'm a performance.

Speaker 3 That's nothing but podcast.

Speaker 2 I'm about an oxygen tent.

Speaker 2 They're going to let me in.

Speaker 2 You're going to do it from like a hyperbaric, like Michael Jackson chamber? That'd be so sick.

Speaker 2 That lyric hyperbole. What if we all become bubble boys?

Speaker 3 that's not a bad idea.

Speaker 2 We could easily be built. Wait, this is crazy.

Speaker 3 Holy shit, guys. Nick is calling into the show.

Speaker 3 Is he?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he is.

Speaker 3 Nick, what's going on, man? Do you have anything you want to tell the people?

Speaker 2 I'm a gay man. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Really? Tell me, dude.

Speaker 3 You're a gay man. Tell me, dude.

Speaker 3 Well, I think that's really nice of you to finally admit that.

Speaker 4 Which is fine. Like, I agree with that.

Speaker 3 I know. It's good that you agree.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 Hey, real quick, how many inches is your penis?

Speaker 2 Zero.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 3 Can you repeat that? Your penis is how many inches?

Speaker 2 Zero. But that doesn't account for millimeters, though.

Speaker 2 He has a dick, though.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 3 Can you answer? Does that account for millimeters, Nick?

Speaker 2 Nah.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 you do have a dick. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 3 But it is zero inches.

Speaker 2 Zero.

Speaker 2 Okay, cool. That's what I thought.

Speaker 3 Real quick,

Speaker 3 what's your favorite thing to download off of the internet?

Speaker 2 Child pornography. Really?

Speaker 2 Man.

Speaker 2 Where is Splitsider? Yo, get Split Cider on the phone.

Speaker 2 Somebody, hold up.

Speaker 2 I'm calling him. Yeah,

Speaker 2 we got to get some guy that did three open mics to write a profile on Nick's child pornography habit.

Speaker 3 Dude,

Speaker 3 I think it's wrong for a man to have sex with children.

Speaker 2 I actually completely disagree with you. Wow, that's, dude.

Speaker 3 You're honestly, this is pretty fucked up. Your opinions are pretty fucked up right now.

Speaker 3 Do you have anything else you want to admit to the people? I murdered 37 infants to make fried calamari out of their cocks.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's pretty gross.
You needed all of them.

Speaker 2 Why the odd number?

Speaker 2 What a weird diet. That's fucking wild.

Speaker 3 Do you have any other favorite foods?

Speaker 2 Baked beans with little pieces of child pornography. You can get it.
He's chopping up VHS tapes and putting it in his beans. that's you know what

Speaker 2 wow that's weird i'm glad that he's he's you know feeling better at least i don't know

Speaker 3 yeah are you feeling better nick yeah dude

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 that's good i'm happy for you

Speaker 2 have you ever had sex with a woman nah oh okay just had to check never you've never had sex with a woman nah okay just for the record but a guy yeah dude

Speaker 3 okay nice well thanks for calling in dude are Are there any final things you'd like to confess to? Even the things I love, like being gay.

Speaker 2 He loves being gay. He's gay and a pedophile.

Speaker 2 Tom dude. Oh, I guess that's true.

Speaker 3 So you're gay and a pedophile.

Speaker 2 Tom dude.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Interesting.

Speaker 3 Okay, again, any last confessions?

Speaker 2 You know what? And I've said this before, and everyone thinks I'm joking, but I'm a gay man.

Speaker 2 Okay. Very interesting.
Triple down. And it's Pride Month, right? So.

Speaker 2 Hey, right on time.

Speaker 2 NWNBA season right around the corner.

Speaker 3 That is so true.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 you, uh, so coronavirus is real.

Speaker 4 Which is fine. Like, I agree with that.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. All right.

Speaker 3 Well, I guess he's changing his tune.

Speaker 3 Anyway, always good to hear from you, Nick. And I guess you're going to go back to what do you what are you going to be watching at home?

Speaker 2 Child pornography. uh-huh interesting okay uh well good to hear from nick i hope he's doing okay he sounded all right

Speaker 3 fuck man i've been watching a lot of sopranos it's so it's so awesome the best that shows honestly as a fat it's a it's the best for a lot of people but as a fat watching a fat man get pussy and and act erratically and eat eat delicious italian meats there's not a better show made for me i don't know it's definitely what it's all about and it's

Speaker 2 what I don't understand is I feel like black guys and Italian guys and fat guys. I feel like we all have the same goals in life, but there's this like divide.
I don't get it.

Speaker 2 All we want to do.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Touch an ass.

Speaker 2 And that's what racism. The cold cut.
Racism

Speaker 2 separates those people from one another.

Speaker 3 That's so true. And we have to stop it.
We got to be careful. And Aunt Jamama is the first step.
We got gotta get it. We got who's gonna be the new Maple Searblade?

Speaker 3 It should be a Canadian lady with big fat tits, if you ask me.

Speaker 2 I mean, just they should just make Miss Butterworth, they should just give her ass shots.

Speaker 2 I think that's a good option.

Speaker 3 So stay with Miss Butterworth, but update it a little bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, give her the ass shots, bring the tit, you know what I'm saying? Put her in some fashion Nova and let's get it. Let's get to it.

Speaker 3 Yes. Absolutely.

Speaker 3 Yeah, start paying people for their work. Get Cardi B to be Miss fucking Butterworth.

Speaker 2 I love that. Yeah, you got to make Miss Butterworth half Latina at a minimum.

Speaker 3 What about the cream of wheat guy? He's out too, right? That guy.

Speaker 2 Oh, he should have been out. What the fuck? What's that food?

Speaker 2 I don't even fuck with rice because of that nigga, dude. I haven't had rice in months.

Speaker 2 Uncle Ben was definitely like a Sam Jackson and

Speaker 2 what do you call it? In Django.

Speaker 2 He's definitely incredibly loyal to his master.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 He's got to go.

Speaker 3 What about Count Chocolate?

Speaker 2 Is he Texas?

Speaker 2 Is he black? Don't, don't. He's Transylvania.
Don't insult me.

Speaker 3 You don't claim Count Chocolate?

Speaker 2 Hell no.

Speaker 2 You don't fuck with me. You don't fucking fucking second.

Speaker 2 Nah, dog.

Speaker 2 Hey man, Frankenberry little

Speaker 2 bitch ass. Fuck no.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Frankenberries are good, though. What are your, what are your go-to cereals, bro?

Speaker 2 Come on, you know, it's very berry.

Speaker 3 We talked about this. Very berry kiss.

Speaker 2 Off rips. And then

Speaker 2 like I'm a CTC.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm a simple man.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm feeling, I'm feeling, I've been on a real fucking.

Speaker 3 I've just been eating chips, dude. I've been in a chip zone.
I'm about to get back into cereal. I'm fat boy relapsing hard.

Speaker 2 I was big on them, the Himalayan, the pink salt chattel joints. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Those are a problem. Yeah.
Once I, when I found out salt was pink, I thought, and I got it. I was like, I'm so fancy right now.
This is incredibly fancy.

Speaker 2 It's got pussy juice in it. That's why the color, that's why it looked like that.

Speaker 3 That's the only kind of salt I eat now because it's pussy.

Speaker 2 I love pussy spicy salt. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Essence. It's the same way they flavor LaCroix.
It's pussy essence.

Speaker 3 Dude, I took a fucking Blue Chew the other day just out of

Speaker 2 some fucking

Speaker 3 on some field of dream shit.

Speaker 2 To play catch with your ghost dad?

Speaker 2 This nigga ate a Blue Chew and then started an Adult Friend Finder account.

Speaker 2 He's like, today's the day. Oh, yeah.
Today's the day.

Speaker 2 Oh, baby.

Speaker 3 I can't wait.

Speaker 3 Were you ever on Adult Friend Finder, Jamel?

Speaker 2 Nah, but I did one time.

Speaker 2 You know how the pop-up ads would come up?

Speaker 2 There was a girl I saw on the Adult Friend Finder ad that had sucked me off before.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Are you serious? I swear to God.

Speaker 2 That's huge. And that's how do they get those? I had no idea.
That was the day I found out that the internet was not on our side.

Speaker 2 That's when I knew they was all that fucking that fucking... What was that nigga who ran to Russia?

Speaker 2 Snowden. Yeah, I was on my Snowden from that moment on.
I was like, nah, how is this bitch in my house on my computer screen?

Speaker 2 Wow. I did not like it.

Speaker 3 Dude, Facebook, I popped onto Facebook for the first time in a while and it recommended me. Like, there's some comics, obviously, but then, like,

Speaker 3 because I have a ton of friends in common, but then it recommended me a bunch of girls that I fucked, and I have no contact info for. How the fuck do they know?

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, dog, it is not good, man. We gotta fucking, we gotta start farming, man.

Speaker 2 We gotta get off, man. We gotta get off.
We gotta go agrarian. Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 Have you ever looked at like your

Speaker 2 parents' Facebook feed?

Speaker 2 I was like, looking. I think my dad left his on the computer.
I was like scrolling through, seeing what old people say on Facebook. Insane.

Speaker 2 Because like they're using it way wrong. No, they're like still using like 2010 internet where like people are starting beef, like personal beefs in public.
There's like,

Speaker 2 it's not like at this point, internet for us is like, we got to take down systematic oppression. You know, it's like big concepts.
There's like calling out fake people in their lives.

Speaker 2 But these are like adults.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 these are girls. I know that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you know, like, how they have like, they, instead of typing out a status, they have it like on a background with like confetti on the back end.

Speaker 2 And like this one chick, I was like, just

Speaker 3 Deborah, I know you showed my Jeffrey your pussy in the save a lot parking lot.

Speaker 2 There was this

Speaker 2 speech. It was just like, since my surgery, since my surgery, the pain has been intolerable.
And it's just like with a birthday cake in the background.

Speaker 3 Yo, no.

Speaker 2 Dude, Facebook is like in his watt. I kind of want to go back on Facebook.
I don't have it on my phone. I've like haven't checked it in years.

Speaker 2 I think the best genre of that is

Speaker 2 like the divorcee of an AAU basketball coach.

Speaker 2 Just mad at women. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Yeah, just like.

Speaker 2 Talking about like,

Speaker 2 how can I describe it to you?

Speaker 3 I think. Tell me, what are the beefs? What are the beefs with the divorcee, dude?

Speaker 2 Well, you know, just like putting rumors to rest that they didn't fuck any of the kids on the team,

Speaker 2 stuff like that.

Speaker 2 And if they did,

Speaker 2 he's of age now, and it's none of y'all's business.

Speaker 3 Damn. Were there any groomers in your community?

Speaker 2 I knew that. Had to be.
Had to be. But I never, I was never, I like,

Speaker 2 I wasn't close enough to see them signs. Actually, you you know what? I take that back.

Speaker 2 There was this track coach. There was a

Speaker 2 track coach. I knew a track coach did the same shit.
There was a track coach.

Speaker 3 This motherfucker had like an alert on his phone every time a girl turned 18.

Speaker 2 That's nuts. Yeah.
One of the

Speaker 2 gym teacher at the white high school I went to, because I went to a black one, I went to a white one. And the gym teacher, the white one, he was always happening at the white high school.

Speaker 2 Extra on the bitches. Yo, white things are bad.
Y'all don't live right. Y'all are pure.

Speaker 3 To be fair, my high school was mostly black, and

Speaker 3 the people involved in this grooming ring were black people.

Speaker 2 It happens. Hey, look.

Speaker 2 I saw our R. Kelly

Speaker 2 admitting that. I know how R.
Kelly

Speaker 2 was going to be able to get the sweatpants. You know, there's bad in all types of places.

Speaker 2 We had a gym coach

Speaker 2 who had a teacher's aide who was

Speaker 2 insanely hot. And then like one day I got to school and the news was out in front.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, he was fired. And then we all loved him because we thought he was a legend.
And that, you know, we were like, damn, that girl is so hot. He's so cool.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 court cases are technically legends.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Court documents.
Everyone was like, bring him back. He rocked.

Speaker 2 And then we had this other gym coach who took over the rest of the year, who, for some reason, I don't know if it was a rumor that a kid started, but that he had people said that he had testicular cancer.

Speaker 2 He only had one testicle. So like, we just completely roast him the rest of the year

Speaker 2 i don't even know if it was true

Speaker 3 yeah yeah i was about to say the church i like i like the idea of everybody being like bring back mr johnson he got pussy that got rock

Speaker 2 bring him back

Speaker 2 we loved mr johnson

Speaker 2 he was cool to go pussy

Speaker 2 we love that guy

Speaker 2 That guy was fired. That's what I want to have.
I lost my helmet. Oh, yeah.
That was too much.

Speaker 2 This is the police. You're gay.
Pull over. You're digging small.

Speaker 2 Pull over. This is the police.
You're gay. Come on, dude.
That's not cool nowadays. Did you police voice?

Speaker 2 Dude, come on, dude.

Speaker 2 I ran away from the computer. I just got scared.

Speaker 2 It's sad.

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 what about the police being mad about their Egg McMuffin?

Speaker 2 Wait, didn't the cops... Yo, what that?

Speaker 2 Pull over. My Emmy McDonald's McMuffin didn't come out on time.
But also,

Speaker 2 you have diarrhea.

Speaker 2 There's shit coming out of my pussy somehow. This is the police.
There's shit in my pussy. Well, that's satire.

Speaker 2 That is mad TV level satire.

Speaker 2 I had fun that time. That was fun.
You guys think we're not. I don't talk about that interaction with the police.

Speaker 2 Here's a question. You guys think that with the rise of the protest movement that we're going to have a return of mid-90s conscious hip-hop?

Speaker 2 Yes. I certainly hope so.
Yes.

Speaker 2 We're weeks away from Lil Pump and

Speaker 2 Dirk and Trippy Red doing their version of self-destruction.

Speaker 3 I want some completely leaned-out rappers.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is going to be funny to hear rappers be like, hey, the cops is treating us like bullshit, and I am also on liquid heroin.

Speaker 2 Like niggas who can't help but mention that they're high in their social justice raps.

Speaker 2 I can't wait. I can't wait.
6ix9ine needs to speak out a little bit more on what's happening.

Speaker 2 So sad. Oh, yeah.
So sad. Listen,

Speaker 2 you're a Mexican-American that

Speaker 2 uses the n-word no one, no one seems to batten I.

Speaker 2 Truly.

Speaker 3 He's got the range. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm sure the first time he pulled that off in like high school, he felt like. 6ix9ine was my friend Brian's bodega boy when he was like 13?

Speaker 2 He used to work, yeah, he used to work night shift at my friend's bodega, and apparently he just like made his own clothes. And they were like, he'd wear like shirts that said AIDS gang on it.

Speaker 2 He was always

Speaker 2 wild. He was an irony guy.

Speaker 2 He's kind of, yeah, he's an irony guy. He kind of is.

Speaker 3 There's a big something awful guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's an eight channel.

Speaker 3 His on, yeah, on Twitter, his name is the N-word Sayer.

Speaker 2 He's one of those guys.

Speaker 3 You know, I think you're right. Mid-90s conscious hip-hop is coming back, but also shaving your penis.

Speaker 2 Definitely on the way back.

Speaker 2 Because as much as

Speaker 2 a demand for an end to police brutality, people are also demanding

Speaker 2 a shaving solution that doesn't nick the testicles.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. You're not going to put those together, huh? Jamel, I believe you said this to us.

Speaker 2 Conventional razors. You said this to us before we started recording.
I'm quoting you.

Speaker 2 Conventional. Yeah, I remember.

Speaker 2 Conventional razors brutalized my balls the way the police brutalized the actual records. I was speaking to my friends.
Listen, now it's on the record. Speaking to my friends.
Now it's on the record.

Speaker 2 I asked you if the zoom was recording. You said no.
At the time.

Speaker 2 Now we're live.

Speaker 3 The good news is: Manscaped, which I got right here, which I shaved my balls with. This is the abolish the police of shaving your nuts.
Okay? This isn't reforming, this is not reform the police.

Speaker 3 This is defund them. All right.
It leaves your nuts smooth.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Shave your nuts and abolish

Speaker 2 cubes and the police.

Speaker 2 With the lower 3.0. This is the last white.
Jamel, you said we could say all this stuff.

Speaker 2 I cannot. I will repeat it again.

Speaker 3 Manscaping accidents are finally a thing of the past,

Speaker 3 folks, okay?

Speaker 3 When I'm telling you premium, this motherfucker, we mean premium.

Speaker 3 We got the quiet stroke technology, okay?

Speaker 2 Which is how I fuck, by the way. I kind of, yeah, I like quiet stroke.
Stealth bomber.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 3 You hear that? It's barely, you can barely hear.

Speaker 2 It's like a Tesla. That's

Speaker 3 exact. It's the Tesla of fucking nut shavers.

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 3 Trim your fucking cock like it ain't nothing.

Speaker 2 I've nicked my balls in the past, big time. Okay? It's hard for me to even hear that word right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Nick.
Balls.

Speaker 2 It makes me sick to even think about it.

Speaker 3 Nick, have you ever trimmed your balls?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Have you ever sucked a man's balls?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, dude. Really?

Speaker 3 Do you like when a man's balls are hairy? No.

Speaker 3 So you would love it if they... So you think every man should use the lawnmower 3.0.

Speaker 4 Which is is fine like I agree with that.

Speaker 3 That's what I thought. That's what I thought.
And and just again, how many inches is your penis?

Speaker 2 Zero.

Speaker 3 So anyway,

Speaker 2 it works on tiny dicks, too.

Speaker 3 It works on a little zero-inch penis, which Nick has. He just admitted that.

Speaker 3 So what you're going to want to do, guys, to trim up your balls is get this fucking, go to manscape.com.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 3 Get 20% off plus free shipping with the promo code Cometown. All right.
It's water resistant. It's got a little light.
You can trim your balls in the dark.

Speaker 2 That happens to me a lot.

Speaker 2 I go to a lot of basement sex parties where it's completely black and it's just hands and penises touching each other. But sometimes

Speaker 2 you wave on the go.

Speaker 3 Of course. Because

Speaker 3 that's the thing.

Speaker 3 You have a hard time growing facial hair. That's because your nuts grow at an alarming rate.
Your nut hairs are all, you have five o'clock shadows.

Speaker 2 True, my testosterone is kind of manifested in a very strange

Speaker 3 well, that's not why.

Speaker 2 I'm incredibly high T in certain areas in my body.

Speaker 3 You have low T, but you do have

Speaker 3 it's actually because you have a lot of pussy cells around your balls and put you have a mouth.

Speaker 2 Oh, right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, it's like ions. The ions don't match.
So it's

Speaker 2 you're a natural scientist. I've always said that.
That's right.

Speaker 2 That's why I got this heart out.

Speaker 3 And look, man,

Speaker 3 you're going to love this shit. All right.

Speaker 3 Your nuts are going to be smooth as hell. You're going to get 20% off plus free shipping.

Speaker 3 I'm talking, go to manscaped.com, promo code COMTON, 20% off plus free shipping, and get the smoothest nuts

Speaker 3 you've ever experienced in your fucking life.

Speaker 3 I love a nice smooth sack. My dick is going to be clean as fuck when I fuck after this.

Speaker 2 You'd be really shaving your nuts for real?

Speaker 3 With the manscaped I have, yeah

Speaker 2 100 i thought about it once i did not used to i never i've never cleanly shaved my nuts in the past but i'm scared i don't want like i'm not trying to have razor bumps well not with the mansion that's why you got to get no dude

Speaker 2 the first lawnmower 3.0 has a 3.0 meaning there were two lawnmowers before that the first being an actual lawnmower

Speaker 2 What was the motherfuckers doing in the 50s?

Speaker 2 Because dudes was probably shaving their nuts. They were straight razoring.
They go to the barber. With straight razor, they'd go to the barber.
The barber,

Speaker 2 get a barber, shave, put a hot towel around their nuts. The barber's, dude, get one of those little fucking brushes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you'd have to go to the barber. They'd have four-part harmonies, you know.

Speaker 2 Show us your nuts. Oh, that's why they did the songs.

Speaker 2 Because they were shaving people's nuts. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 3 To keep their mind off of the demeaning work they were doing.

Speaker 3 They picked up singing.

Speaker 2 This isn't gay. We're paying the bills.
The bills.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 3 I don't think. I don't know when people were shaving their nuts.
I bet you artists

Speaker 3 were shaving their nuts.

Speaker 2 I think Egypt did everything.

Speaker 3 Bushes used to run wild.

Speaker 2 Not in France.

Speaker 2 Not France. France part one.

Speaker 3 France had the wild bushes.

Speaker 2 I mean, they were off the bushes now. I'm talking about back in the day.
They was probably

Speaker 2 the original back in the fucking, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 In the 20s, maybe?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Nah, like the 1400s.
I think they was. Oh, really? Like, way back.

Speaker 3 You're right. They had powdered.

Speaker 2 They had powdered pussy. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that shit. They had rouge.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That

Speaker 2 rouge on their nuts. That Beethoven era shit.
And then they came back. Bum, bum, bum, bum.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Suck on my balls because they're clean.

Speaker 2 They don't have hair. Suck on my nuts.
I'm fucking gay. Please suck my dick.
I'm fucking gay.

Speaker 3 My dick is ball.

Speaker 2 I'm what you have. I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Sex.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I'm with you.
You fully understand.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're on the same fucking, we're on the same motherfucking wavelength, pal.

Speaker 2 I like that background. Whose house is that?

Speaker 3 This is my this is Tony Soprano's house, bro.

Speaker 2 Okay, straight to it.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to manifest this shit. It was on the market for 3.5 million, and I don't have it right now.
I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 3 I do not have it. I can't put it down.

Speaker 2 You got to put up 350 racks to put a downy on that?

Speaker 3 For a 3.5 million, I would guess 700 or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I always thought it was the same as bail money.

Speaker 3 I bought a house in Grieftown. It was very easy.

Speaker 3 They just tell you,

Speaker 2 you showed up with Kohl's cash and they gave you that house.

Speaker 3 I had a couple Chick-fil-A coupons.

Speaker 3 And they're like, we will take this.

Speaker 2 Thank you for the remember those coupon books you'd have to sell

Speaker 2 for your school also?

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 We needed

Speaker 2 like $20,000 worth of savings inside.

Speaker 2 And it would all be for TCBY, even though there wasn't a fucking TCBY in my fucking town.

Speaker 2 Three malls, not a not nary of TCBY.

Speaker 2 10 pages of this book is frozen yogurt coupons.

Speaker 3 I don't think I've been to a TCBY in my entire life.

Speaker 2 Exactly, because that shit is trash-ish.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't think I've ever been to one either. Do you miss the mall, Jamel? You love the mall.

Speaker 2 I'm a mall guy. You haven't been able to go to the Glendale Galleria in a while, I'm sure.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 I'm anti-Americana. I love the Galleria.
I'm anti-Americana. I'm pro-Galleria.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 A controversial stance. I'm not as up on this, but it certainly seems like there's a burgeoning online movement.
The problem

Speaker 2 I heard that

Speaker 2 there's one retail clothing retail store, apparently, in New York, that's open right now. That opened early.
Apparently, Jimmy Jazz on Fulton is open. I want to say this publicly.

Speaker 2 If anyone needs Jordan Socks or what, you know.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Dude, don't fuck with Jimmy Jazz.
They have a great selection.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 Steinway. Can I get them Laker LeBron's over there?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you certainly can.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 3 The fucking sweatsuits are looking good over there.

Speaker 2 I'm just trying to go to Jimmy Jazz just because I want to go to a store. It sounds fun.

Speaker 3 I need a new fucking wardrobe because I'm fat as shit. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I saw a line for Shoe Palace out here. Maybe I'll see what's up.

Speaker 3 I'm about to go to Target and

Speaker 2 I'm pulling the trigger on Friday, by the way, boys.

Speaker 2 I'm going to the Surf Forward store.

Speaker 2 Wow. Oh, Neil.

Speaker 3 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 I am. I'm going to the surface store.
I'm going to be a surfer. Dude.
This is a joke I used to tell, but I really would love to see if you did this.

Speaker 2 You should walk around all summer in the black wetsuit with Tim's on, bro. That's New York style.
That's New York style. You.
You, Neil. King of the Rockaways.

Speaker 3 A double appropriator.

Speaker 2 Yeah, King of the Rockaways. No, you know I'm going to be out in my hollow mindset on those waves with the Yankee fitted.
I'm going to be looking great. At Rock Away.
At Far Rock Away.

Speaker 2 You're going to surf in Far Rockaway? I'm going to surf in New York.

Speaker 2 And then I'm planning on getting good. You're not good.
Go out to the Rockaways. Get good there.
Then I go like maybe deeper on Long Island, Montauk. And then

Speaker 2 by the winter, North Shore Hawaii Pipeline Masters. Kelly Slater.
I'm going to be in competition, dude. Yep.

Speaker 2 You're trying to get

Speaker 2 surf in Staten Island then.

Speaker 2 Go surf in. Staten Island, dude.
Of course.

Speaker 3 Staten Island.

Speaker 2 The island vibe.

Speaker 2 Oh, I love Staten Island.

Speaker 3 MAGA, man. MAGA.
Make America great again, mate.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 2 Staten Island. Stop.
Remember when that nigga? Remember when I did your fucking call-in show, and this nigga called in and was like, uh, my friend shot an old black man. What?

Speaker 2 But I I love him.

Speaker 2 But I love him, and I don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 His man is. The dude who shot that man.
Oh, he committed a hate crime. That's a joke.
He was having a story. He was like, I don't know what to do.
Yeah. And he knows the story was real.

Speaker 3 I don't think so. Because I hung up on him and then our producer was like, hey, this guy keeps DMing us and calling back.
He says it's real. And it was just, and I just, yeah.

Speaker 2 You should have known shit was fucking up. I had this guy.
I had this guy that was like writing like insane comments on like all my Instagrams, like you fucking kike suck, you know, whatever.

Speaker 2 And then I like, I was like, who the fuck is this? And so I checked DMs. I was like, I'm sure he's DM'd me in the past.
And, you know, you see a bunch of like those kind of messages.

Speaker 2 And then you scroll back to the beginning. And his first message was like, hey, man, you mentioned that you had bad dandruff and you were doing something about it.

Speaker 2 And I was wondering if you could like help me out.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 You created this monster, dude.

Speaker 3 You pushed him into the arms of right-wing

Speaker 2 gentle soul with his dandruff. By being greedy.
Yep.

Speaker 2 By being greedy, which

Speaker 2 I guess I suppose is the characteristic.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to rip this binger one more time, dude.
This CBD.

Speaker 3 Dude, fucking yang.

Speaker 2 Ying, yang. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm jealous, dude.

Speaker 3 I wish I had some delicious cushy dreams right now.

Speaker 2 Same. I threw away all my weed yesterday, guys

Speaker 2 you gave it away or you smoked it away no i mean i threw it away because it sucked i just was tired of smoking it i've been smoking the same weed like well just for a couple weeks man just a pay period yeah of course i just gotta i just have to prove i can be alive without it once that's i know that's huge you need that reset just you smoked the big you smoked the biggest out of anyone i know

Speaker 2 Yeah, and things were going pretty good, but I got so high, I forgot that the cops was trying to kill me. That's true.
That's true. Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan wants you to be getting high.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's why he's

Speaker 2 smoked so much weed. I smoked so much weed, I thought affirmative action

Speaker 2 was a terrible idea.

Speaker 3 You were so high, you're retweeting those videos where the cops are doing the nay-name.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You were tweeting the electric star videos.

Speaker 2 before.

Speaker 2 Did you see Saint the rapping cop? There was a cop in Baltimore who was rapping. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Before all this jumped off, and somebody shot Saint the rapping cop.

Speaker 3 That's right, baby. Be more.

Speaker 3 Don't try that shit.

Speaker 2 Don't try that shit. So good.
Oh, man.

Speaker 3 God damn. Saint the rapping cop.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure it's Saint the Rapping Cop. And and

Speaker 2 he got hit with one.

Speaker 3 I think he's still alive. The cool cop industry has completely.
Yeah. I hope you didn't have stock in that.

Speaker 2 Fuck no. Cops playing basketball.
Fuck off.

Speaker 3 Yep.

Speaker 2 Nope.

Speaker 3 None of that.

Speaker 3 Sorry to the pal. Sorry to the police athletic league.

Speaker 2 I do want it on the record that

Speaker 2 I was the first.

Speaker 2 I do have ridiculousness segments making fun of the police.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 2 I was the first one doing that. We're all doing our part.
You know what I mean? This is how I went.

Speaker 2 This is how I went. Oh, yeah.
We never said it.

Speaker 2 Jamel's written some of the best segments on Rob Deerdick's ridiculousness.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Every one of Chanel West Coast lines, that's me.

Speaker 3 Chanel West Coast going, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 I write those in calligraphy

Speaker 2 on a scroll, on a papyrus scroll.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 That's got to hurt.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've been down. Season 13, a segment called Turn in Your Badge, Bitch.
That's me. Well done.

Speaker 2 It's so funny. That show is literally like idiocracy out my balls.
It's like literally, it is a thing.

Speaker 3 It's Ouch My Balls.

Speaker 2 But you know what's hilarious? Like, since I've been employed there, there are people who think the show has become more liberal.

Speaker 2 Like, we had people right in. It was like, I don't like.
I'm not watching this for the fucking politics.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't like the direction the show is going. I'm like, yo, I saw somebody puke on a nigga's nuts two seconds ago.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 I'm watching to see people hurt their fucking penises.

Speaker 2 What about black on black cry? That is so fucking awesome.

Speaker 2 Yo.

Speaker 3 That is so fucking good, man. That's great.

Speaker 3 Oh, fuck. If only, yeah, I'd like a writing job like that, you know, where I could really steer the cool.

Speaker 2 Is Deer Deck chill? I'm telling you. Is he a cool guy?

Speaker 2 He's fine enough. Why don't you try to be his new big black?

Speaker 2 That sounds terrible. It seemed like they were best friends.

Speaker 2 I don't even like the way you said that. Take that riff back.

Speaker 2 Take that riff back. Return that riff.
Why don't you try to the riff? Sorry. I'm sorry, Jamil.
Obviously.

Speaker 2 I don't want you getting any new friends. You still got the tags on that riff, right? You better check that shit.
I have the receipt. Of course, I have the receipt.

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 3 He keeps the receipt. Even if he was going to,

Speaker 3 even if he didn't, in three years, he was going to try and return it after fully use it.

Speaker 2 Costco, they take anything. I think that's how Adam does.

Speaker 2 I've returned things from 1997 to Costco.

Speaker 3 Oh, fuck, dude. I'm sweating my fucking little titties off over here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got the air pumping in here.

Speaker 2 Good for you. This helmet hot as shit.
Are you still in the same compartment?

Speaker 2 Nah, nah, I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm around the Hollywood, like, legit, like, East Hollywood-ish, little Tymenia.
Oh, you're in the Ty zone?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, I'm in the Thai zone. Fuck.

Speaker 3 My bicycle seat has been delivered, boys.

Speaker 3 I'm about to be a little bicycle slum.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Dom De Loise. I got some fancy shit.
Because I'm so fat that riding. I gotta ride my bike three days in a radio.

Speaker 2 Huh? Woo!

Speaker 2 You have to break it in a little bit, it has to like mold your ass cheeks. I know.

Speaker 2 In a couple weeks, it's going to be perfect.

Speaker 3 Oh, it'll mold, pal.

Speaker 2 Those are the best.

Speaker 3 I can't ride a bike more than three days because the pressure of my ass, it hurts my ass. So I literally bruise my cheeks if I ride three days in a row.
So I'm excited for this new saddle.

Speaker 3 I'm going to be fucking tearing up queens,

Speaker 3 trying to get a little basket.

Speaker 2 I'm going to ride on into the next town.

Speaker 2 Take my bag and ride my horse. Davis riding his bike to get fat.
You the only nigga you ride a bike, get fatter.

Speaker 3 That's true.

Speaker 2 That is true.

Speaker 3 I love, I just walk my shit up hills and then glide down.

Speaker 3 I like the wind in my hair. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 I might start riding the bike to Brooklyn and literally walking up any challenging parts and just cruising on the other ones.

Speaker 2 You should hit the cemetery, man. They got some crazy hills.

Speaker 2 I've been chilling at the Greenwood Cemetery. He's not golf.

Speaker 2 I'm going to golf. I've been golf, yeah.
I chilled at the cemetery yesterday. So sick.

Speaker 3 I will only go to the cemetery if I'm going to get tired.

Speaker 2 It's a good date spot. I'm serious.
Bring a picnic to the cemetery?

Speaker 2 I'm serious.

Speaker 2 Inside a crypt, style in there getting getting napped trying to get headwills when i was in the cemetery yesterday i was like wondering what i want because there's like

Speaker 2 different options obviously you have the simple you know modest headstone that's not me then you have some guy had a pyramid which apparently nick cage has for when he dies

Speaker 2 respect there

Speaker 2 are a ton of obelisks There are a ton of dudes that put up obelisks.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I think I'm going to go Crypt.

Speaker 3 I think I'm gonna go Crips. That's the way to go.

Speaker 3 It gives you a lot more. You can fuck around with it.
I'm gonna actually be buried in a fucking replica of the Sopranos house, actually. That's tough.
Or maybe the Bada Bing.

Speaker 2 Like Lego size?

Speaker 3 Maybe I have a fucking one-quarter the size Bada Bing that I die in. And where it says Bada Bing, it'll have my lady.

Speaker 2 I would love that for you. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because that's two words.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. That's clean.

Speaker 3 I'm thinking. But it's still the bitch with the titties.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna go

Speaker 2 I'm gonna go cremate it and then just pour my shit center court Capital One Arena

Speaker 2 After Washington after 12 and

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 yes, after our eighth straight WNBA championship Elena De La Don to do a LeBron like

Speaker 2 clap

Speaker 2 to do a LeBron powder toss

Speaker 3 nah listen whoever dies first I if it's me,

Speaker 3 if it's you, I'll smoke your ashes in a big blunt in the hopes that you will come back.

Speaker 2 Take the test high. I like that too.

Speaker 2 The high grades.

Speaker 2 High scores, yeah. Yep.

Speaker 3 Except it'll be, yeah. Except it'll be great segments for ridiculousness.
Yeah, yeah. You'll come back from the grave to tell me, to tell me how to write.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, you'll see. You could find funny internet clips about the imbalance of power in America.

Speaker 2 Jamel wrote most of the Machine Gun Kelly episode. I know he's being

Speaker 2 modest right now.

Speaker 2 That is true. All that feet stuff, also me.
You write most of the feet material.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Are you? Jamel, are you a foot fetishist?

Speaker 2 Nah.

Speaker 2 I tried it out for a little while.

Speaker 2 I've been leaning. I wasn't thinking about it because I've just been thinking about comic view.
Like every black comic in the 90s had a bit about

Speaker 2 so true. Sure.
And I was like,

Speaker 2 well,

Speaker 2 I like comedy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I think it is something that happens when you get older, but I don't know, man. Call me old-fashioned.
I'm a breasts guy.

Speaker 2 You just like tits?

Speaker 3 I still like titties.

Speaker 3 I got nothing wrong.

Speaker 3 Asses have grown on me the more I'm a mature man.

Speaker 2 I'm more an arm pit.

Speaker 3 The more I've actually fucked instead of theoretically fucking.

Speaker 2 I'm an arm pit guy.

Speaker 3 Having said that, I still.

Speaker 3 There's nothing like a nice titty.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Give it one of these.
I love it. Smooch.

Speaker 3 I love giving a titty a smooch.

Speaker 2 I love I only blow. I blow kisses at titties.
I don't touch them.

Speaker 2 And I'm putting my dick in. I'm an armpit guy.
I'm putting my dick in an armpit.

Speaker 2 That's why I think Jones is the best because you got the space, the space

Speaker 2 in between the arm and the armpit. It's like it's

Speaker 2 concealing, but yeah.

Speaker 3 It's like that. It's like it's like Madeline Albright, baby.

Speaker 2 To bring it all full circle. It conforms and conceales.
I saw a video on

Speaker 2 Pornhub once, which was like a bodybuilder chick.

Speaker 2 And I think in muscle girl videos,

Speaker 2 they fuck in between the

Speaker 2 bicep, the bicep, and the forearm. Yeah, so they fuck like the inside of the elbow.
Yeah, that's good. Have y'all seen this shit? You know what I seen on Pornhub the other day?

Speaker 2 They're doing these, like,

Speaker 2 it's like porno

Speaker 2 wrestling matches.

Speaker 2 Yes. I saw this and it was like it was perplexing to me.

Speaker 3 Yes, I had a short period in my youth where I would jack off to those.

Speaker 3 That is called, I believe it was called

Speaker 2 the Kink.com girls.

Speaker 3 It's in the kink.com family for sure.

Speaker 2 They're like legit Greco-Roaming Wrestling, and then we'll just take a break and like some of the suck the guy off and then go back to like really trying to pin.

Speaker 3 See,

Speaker 3 see,

Speaker 3 the mixed sex never did it for me. And I like to watch girls.

Speaker 2 Wait, do they have a guy fighting a minimum?

Speaker 2 Yes, that's what I saw.

Speaker 2 But to me,

Speaker 2 it takes me out of the moment.

Speaker 3 It takes me out of the moment because, let's be honest, the guy is going to win in reality. But when it's two women, then I can at least.

Speaker 2 You're forgetting that he's walking around with a hard dick, man. That's hard to fight.
In a wrestling singlet?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I never understood how they awarded points.

Speaker 3 Sometimes they would like sneak a finger pop or like jack him off real quick.

Speaker 2 I don't understand what the point is. That's what I'm saying.
I couldn't. I put my dick away.
I didn't get it.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I'd just like to know.
That's a sea. Again, to me, if it's girl on girl, I understand.
Even if I don't understand the points, I see how the match is going. You know what I mean? I can tell

Speaker 3 the direction of the match, and I like to see, and then they strap on, and it's like, yeah, you lost, and now you're getting fucked, and you deserve this.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 But, you know, I like that it could be either one of them. Whereas, what happens if the girl wins?

Speaker 3 They peg the guy. I don't think that happens.
I think they're always going to fuck. Yeah.
There's nothing at stake in the heterosexual one. I'll put it that way.

Speaker 2 And also,

Speaker 3 I'm jacking off to the stakes.

Speaker 2 And it also seems like if you win, you should be the one

Speaker 2 getting fucked.

Speaker 3 You don't do the work. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 Yo, these strap-on bitches, y'all ain't fucking nobody for real.

Speaker 2 Y'all don't know shit about fucking pulling up short, pulling that hammy.

Speaker 3 That's right. Absolutely.
100%.

Speaker 3 You're so, that's so correct, dude. If I won a wrestling match against a woman, I would like to lay back

Speaker 3 eating a bowl of popcorn with my dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, give me, yeah.

Speaker 3 I'd like to do no work whatsoever and just lay back and just get my little prick, my little pricidoro serviced.

Speaker 2 Nick, just text, are you going to send me the file tonight?

Speaker 2 Always working. Yeah, yeah, bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yes, of course we'll send it to you. What the fuck do you think we're going to do? Just record for fun.

Speaker 2 You want a WAV? I'll send y'all a WAV file.

Speaker 3 Yeah, send us

Speaker 2 a WAV.

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 3 Sorry, man.

Speaker 2 We got you. We got you, Nick.

Speaker 2 Y'all ain't even peeped my background. No.

Speaker 2 I love the background. Nah, but look.
That's good. Boy Meets World jocked my guys.
They did the same toy.

Speaker 3 True.

Speaker 2 True. Terrible.
They don't have the jewelry. Terrible, dude.

Speaker 3 It's fucked up what they did.

Speaker 3 Alright, well, I guess we should probably wrap it up anyway.

Speaker 3 Nick,

Speaker 3 we'll have it soon. Is there anything you want want to tell the people?

Speaker 2 You know what? And I've said this before, and everyone thinks I'm joking, but I'm a gay man. Okay.
Well, you did say that earlier, but that's fine.

Speaker 3 We'll have that over to you, no problem.

Speaker 3 But for here, the episode has come to an end, everyone. Thank you for listening.
Jamel, what do you want the people to find you, brother?

Speaker 2 Jameljohnson.com. I got some stand-up on there.

Speaker 2 Yes. Call friend or foe, and I might have done the same riff from the stand-up in this episode of Come Town, and I forgot about it.
That's fine, dude. That's fine.
Just act like it came up naturally.

Speaker 2 I don't care. We're professional comedians.
That's all we do. We tell jokes.

Speaker 3 Fuck them, dude.

Speaker 2 That's true. And then, you know, non-profit comic on the Twitter and

Speaker 2 Airbugs pod everywhere on all the stuff.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 3 Yep. Just fucking come see.
Keep listening to the podcast, I guess.

Speaker 3 I don't have any dates to plug because the world has ended, but check out Stoppy Solves Your Problems and and also my YouTube channel. I'm posting a lot of shit over there now.

Speaker 3 It's youtube.com/slash stopby baby. So you get all the fucking pods and shit like that that I do, etc.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 2 Nothing. Adam.

Speaker 2 We'll see you again soon, folks. This has been a fun experiment without the old mold dog, but he'll be back in it.

Speaker 2 He'll be back at some point, I guess.

Speaker 2 And just as this is officially the last white white thing I do, aside from this meeting I got with Bill Maher tomorrow,

Speaker 2 I just want to say I love y'all. Adam, I love you, bro.
It was great, man. I love you, Jamal.
I miss you.

Speaker 3 It was nice being friends for so long.

Speaker 3 But we understand that you can't do any more.

Speaker 2 No, we can be friends. I'm just not

Speaker 2 going to do it. I'm not sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah. None of your white programs.
Nah, I'm not coming to the show to have eight niggas call me Jamal no more because

Speaker 2 I'm going to hurt one of them niggas and it's over.

Speaker 3 That's fine. And you know what? We'll have your back.

Speaker 2 That's love.

Speaker 2 You're welcome at any black things I do. Y'all can still come to my house.
I'm going to love. I'm going to

Speaker 2 be at Christmas. I promise.

Speaker 2 That's a bet. Yo, my mom's been asking about you.

Speaker 2 When are you going to come to church with me? My Johnson family Christmas

Speaker 2 every

Speaker 2 year.

Speaker 2 We leave a plate out for you every year.

Speaker 2 Listen, dude, I've been learning all the black Christmas songs. I know you guys have slightly different ones.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna have them all. We got drums on ours.

Speaker 2 We got 808. All right.
Yeah, I've been putting claps on my Christmas songs.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. All right.

Speaker 2 Are you ready to convert Adam? Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Bye. All right, folks.
That's going to do it. We'll talk to you soon.
Bye.

Speaker 2 Can I see your fingers?