Ep. 196 – Fash Wednesday

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Tonight, the one that only

the only truth is having fuck.

Wait a minute.

I can't hear stuff.

Yeah, what's going on here?

That's plugged in.

This is plugged in.

Is this channel on?

Can you hear me now?

I can't hear stuff.

No, pussy.

God damn it, pussy.

Penis, penis, pie.

Pussy, penis, penis pie.

Welcome back, Stop.

Oh, it feels good to be back.

Oh,

how good does it feel?

I know you want to fuck me.

You my ass.

Fuck my mouth.

Oh, yes.

I know you want to suck my name.

Dude, some of the sounds came out of Detroit in the 1960s.

They called it Homo Town.

Dude,

the way they did their hair was beautiful.

Fuck me and my ass.

Fuck me and my mouth.

Fuck.

A little bit soft though, no.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm fucking gay.

You're listening to Come Town.

Only podcast you could just do in your head.

You don't need to listen to it.

There's absolutely no reason.

You could just do it in your head.

Maybe you have an attachment to the characters now or something, but the characters could also exist in your head.

No doubt.

And they largely do.

Should we just release like a Mad Libs book?

That way people don't even have to.

I don't know.

I mean, this has to continue until comedy improves.

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

The punishment will continue until comedy fixes itself.

Stiff upper lip.

And then

There's a reason, there's actually a reason to work on jokes.

Oh, so never.

We're good.

Never.

It'll never happen.

As long as that's the best thing in comedy,

we get a pass, brother.

I'm not doing my fucking job.

We're the yin of the yang.

If we're not all pulling our weight around here, respect.

I'm telling you this right now.

I am fucking showing up 30 minutes late, punching out 45 early.

I love that.

I love that.

If that's the employee of the month,

you better believe I'm eating eating at my fucking desk and taking a 45-minute shit.

It's true.

The second an email rolls out.

Oh, my God.

Eating hard-boiled eggs in my desk, stinking up the whole fucking joy.

Right, microwaving weak old Indian food in the break room.

I'm just waiting.

And then blaming it on the Indian guy in the office.

Not even eating it.

Using it as an odor bomb.

I don't know.

That seems like something Sundar would have done.

Yeah, you're eating a PBJ.

You're like, no, I have my lunch right here.

Nope.

It wasn't me.

That's the weirdest, pettiest thing to do.

It wasn't me.

Yeah, well, actually.

Why should you take it up with Nanette and her Indian friends?

Actually, we have, I mean, we can look at the videotape if you want.

And the Indian guy's like, damn, son,

I am telling you, why are you two being popping off at me?

I think it's one generation after that.

Yeah, it's a good idea.

It would be funny.

Yeah, it's funny if they just clap back.

Nah, nah, nah, Playboy.

Why you always coming at me out the side of your neck?

Why don't you do this to me, Playboy?

You're going to catch five across your necks if you come at me like that, Blackboy.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm snatching Veeves.

Respect, dude.

just another day at the comedy office mask out mask off

i am taking the mask off i'm taking my mask off

oh dude that reminded me of my old office when i worked at a fucking law firm that got caught with embezzling

foreclosure law

yeah that's funny because i remember i would see you and you'd get off work and be wearing like clothes like yeah

instead of like you know custom puma golf attracts golf polo and dolphins.

They are not custom.

They come in my size.

Thank you.

Well, they look like they were tailored for your body, but

he's going to a tailor and he's got a series of hula hoops.

Jesus placing them.

Take yours.

Yeah.

Turn around, please.

Okay.

It's big about two weeks.

We need to make the penis area smaller.

We're going to bring the vagina in.

The vagina is in.

There is is no vagina.

We use the excess material from the penis area, add it to the stomach area.

That won't be necessary.

We have to order a bigger ring.

We're going to need a bigger hula hoop.

Yeah.

I love it.

You look because we have a very similar body type.

He's 125 pounds.

We're both big guys.

Yeah, I can see how we have both very athletic bodies.

Yeah, no, I love when they do that.

When guys lie to me about my body, I was doing yoga, and this jacked instructor sees I'm struggling to do the most basic shit.

He's like, No, no, no, come here, you're like me, you got to do it different.

Yeah, my shoulder gets he's like, Just like me, you got to do it different.

And I knew he was lying with us, yeah, dude.

Just like you, just like you, just like us.

I mean, he was jacked, dude.

He wasn't even like a yoga guy, he was like a fucking

dude.

I love us, dude.

Yeah, oh, I was jacked legends, just like us.

You got to do it like me, me brother

oh damn I was thinking about going to a tailor get me a fucking custom custom track suit actually you would go track suit not actual suit I don't need a suit man dude we go to events all the time yeah awards shows I have to go to the weddings of my friends from Twitter

yeah I actually have a couple weddings

damn your cat is dookie

no one else smells it but you maybe I'm just my breath smells like cat shit

have you been eating a cat's ass ass, Adam?

No, but I have been not eating the right foods for my body.

Dude, I remember, damn, that

wardrobe was not, it was not custom.

It was even worse.

It was from fucking like casual male XL.

Yeah.

It was those khakis that

weighed 100 pounds more.

Yeah, I was fat as fuck.

It was khakis with straight up elastic band.

I remember going out with you and then you would get in your car afterwards and like the car would like sink.

The shock.

Just drive away.

sharp left.

No, dude, that poor civic, dude.

Shouts out to Fredo, my second car.

Yeah, the car's just drifting to the left.

Yeah, it would break down all the time.

Damn, so the car would do the thing that I had just, like I said, literally five seconds before you said that.

What did you say?

You heard what he said.

You heard me.

What did you say?

Say it again.

I said that he gets in it and the car is just immediately going.

It takes a sharp left.

Yeah, it takes a sharp left.

Oh, okay.

I didn't realize that's what you were describing.

It's awesome that you found a way to embarrass to be the most embarrassed one after a riff about me being morbidly obese.

So fat that the car can't operate.

I'm not embarrassed.

You should be.

I'm not embarrassed.

I'm a man without shame.

That's true.

You can't kill a man without shame.

Is that the tagline to a fucking

French movie from the 40s that you just watched?

No, it's my new bio.

The beaches, man.

The bitches, man.

The beaches man.

Yeah.

That is you.

Hello, Adam Friedland.

This is Jimmy Hoffer.

I heard that you're a bitch ass.

That is true.

That's not what I saw.

Also, make mastermind pants.

Come on, man.

That's very good.

That's great.

That's great to hear.

I could use a man like you.

I could use a bitch ass who also goes to the bathroom in his pants.

I can do that for you.

I can do that for you.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Just sitting in a suite with Jimmy Hoffa shitting on the pull-out couch.

I need someone to eat all my diarrhea before my girlfriend gets here.

And I tell you, this guy, Ace, this guy, Adam, he's the only guy that would be willing to eat an entire toilet full of diarrhea.

Nobody else could do it like him.

I could do that for you.

First time I saw him, I said, Ace, you you smell like diarrhea.

And he said, I just ate an entire porter potty full of diarrhea.

And I said, why?

Did somebody ask you to do that?

And he said, no, I just had to prove I could.

And that's the kind of guy Ace was.

It just feels good.

Crazy Jew fuck.

That crazy Jew fuck was going around town eating diarrhea

just to prove how shameless he was.

Every day people try and humiliate him online.

And it meant nothing to him.

It's kind of subsided, but I'm sure it'll come back.

And it came back over and over and over.

Every time he said right now, every time he fucking said that it was over,

they started calling the bitchesman again.

Can't wait for the Photoshop.

Right.

The bitchesman.

The bitchesman.

Yep.

Yeah.

That's another couple of months.

My life.

I tell you, this guy ace, no shame.

It just feels good.

He couldn't kill the fucker.

It feels good to get a cool.

They even put his balls in a vice, but they were too small.

His little balls kept

slipping out of the vice.

They kept slipping out like peeled grapes.

That's so funny.

That's a bitch-ass man.

Because that is what your nuts look like.

Too little peeled grapes.

They're not that small.

Slippery.

Slippery little pies.

You know, I just have a lot of scrotum, but they're not that small.

But that's that's exactly right.

Too much scrotum.

It's all skin.

We all took our body.

It's like the way an owl looks big, but have you seen its actual skeleton?

You know what?

I'm going to stop you right there.

You just found a roundabout way to just shit on owls.

You found out there's no doubt.

They do, though.

They look all puffy as a bird.

That's what I mean, though.

You thought they were the size of a cat?

Yeah, dude.

I'm fucking pissed.

They're not muscular.

They just weigh like 15 pounds.

Yeah, I thought they were strong as shit and had big-ass muscles.

They're all talons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought they got a lot.

They have a plumage, dude.

But that's what I'm saying, though.

Okay, no.

No disrespect to owls, but I'm saying Adam's balls are like a bird with a lot of plumage.

His skin is like the feathers, and his little ass balls are like a tiny, frail

aviator.

Is it aviaries?

Aviators.

No, no, I don't want to.

I don't want to.

Avian is what I'm looking for.

His nuts are like a tiny, frail little avian skeleton.

He's right.

He's got an aquiline features, not just in the face.

I don't want to sow division between the two of you because it sounds like you're having a lot of fun, but it does sound like

Stop is shitting on Al is not.

Don't even try it.

Don't even try it.

Do you know that Al's are a symbol?

Don't even try it.

Owls are a symbol.

You're not

frail like a bird skeleton.

One.

I already addressed it.

All right.

I'm just

reiterating.

No, I don't know if we've because we understand conflict.

It seems like he's still shitting on me.

I'm not clear what my problem was.

Okay.

And then he clarified that it was about calling your balls tiny.

And I said, motion do allow.

It's not sustained.

It's not even a good analogy.

It's not even a good analogy for motion.

Motion do allow this.

To compare testicles to bones doesn't make any sense.

It's not a good analogy.

It's a beautiful analogy.

There are plenty of small balls.

There are plenty of small balls.

It's a beautiful, elegant analogy.

You know it.

I'm glad you said that.

Small balls.

Just as long as you guys are having fun.

Small balls.

I'm having fun watching small balls.

Small balls.

Small balls.

My testicles are fine.

My testicles.

My testicles are fine.

No.

No, bitch.

Oh, here we go.

That's why.

I'm trying to get this super punch-out guy going.

Small balls.

Small balls.

There we go.

Small balls.

Small balls.

Anyway, your body is a lot like that guy, Tyson Fury.

I am a lot like Tyler.

Small balls.

Heavyweight champion of the world.

Yeah, that's good, man.

Dude, Fury, I'm kind of mad.

Wilder's costume was awesome.

Fury had a throne, dude.

Fury's was cool, but

he said he bladed.

Did that fight already happened?

Yeah, did you watch it?

No, I was in D.C.

I was in Vegas, but I saw a lot of lads out on the strip who came in town for the fight.

We came to see our lad.

He's a hero for our country.

Oh, I didn't even.

What is he?

Oh, yeah, he's Gypsy.

He's a gypsy, isn't he?

Well, he's the gypsy king, but yeah, he's like Northerner.

He's English.

Northern English.

Yeah.

I like it because his body's fucked up and like weird.

He's just got a big belly.

He's got a belly.

And Wilder's cut as shit.

He's got the same body as Big Lenny.

Yep.

Six-pack guys have been losing in heavyweight fights.

Well, no.

That other guy, Anthony Joshua, lost to that fucking guy that looks like Chew.

He's a fatherfer.

Or like Fluffy.

But he lost the second one, though.

He lost another one?

They lost.

No, no, no.

Joshua beat him in the rematch.

Fluffy?

Yeah.

Was he doing his sound effects?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not familiar with Gabriel Inglish's stand-up.

He does a lot of sound effects.

The first manager I ever had in comedy was like,

bro, the first thing we need to do with you is get you a killer website.

And this is like...

Because I went a very long time without having representation.

this is probably 2014.

I remember this guy.

Yeah.

That was the same man.

Brandon had the same manager.

Yeah, that guy sucked.

Oh, that guy?

That guy sucked.

Brandon told me one time he called him up and he's like, what's up, man?

He's like, just at my office practicing my twerking.

And it's like, he doesn't know what that means.

He just saw it on the internet.

That guy bought me and Brandon lunch once, so in my book, he's okay.

Because he fed you food.

He fed me food.

That's all it took.

He had a chicken cutlet.

Yeah, he was like, we're thinking something like Gabriel and Glacius' website.

And I'm like, what do you mean, something like that?

It's got popcorn all over it.

And he's like, we think this is a killer website.

Who's going to a website?

Yeah, who's going to a website?

But it's also like, what makes you think a web, like, people are like, you know what I like about Gabriel and Glacius is that his website is killer.

That's the only way.

I typed in comedians with best websites.

Good website to

go see in the valley.

dude that guy sells out stadiums he's huge yeah he had his special his last special was like with part in a partnership with at t yeah like they were they played at

you're a mexican guy you can just tour the south and all you do is just say things that mexicans do yep it doesn't even need to be a punchline respect they're like you ever remember tacos and they're like

that's true we be eating tacos

They're like, you know, when you turn 15, you don't have a birthday.

You have a quince era.

That's different.

It's a different different thing you tell a white person and they're like what the hell is that

you're like well it's you know it's a cultural thing i watched i watched the beginning go rider you ever hear of those things

that's the car goes up and down when i want it to you know because mexican people they love elevators

they say why don't my car be an elevator i want my car to be an elevator i want my car to be an elevator

because they used to advertise it was those george lopez specials and they would just do like one clip from each one

And, you know, the clip would be like the first special, it was like some kind of funny observation about Mexicans.

And then by the very last one, it's like, all Mexican people got a haunted room in their house.

They do believe in ghosts.

I was like, all right, this feels like you're reaching.

Yeah, they do definitely believe in ghosts.

Santeria, dude.

No, that's Jamaican, I thought.

I don't practice it.

But it's a famous Mexican band.

Famous Mexican band.

Santana, you mean?

No, Santana.

Carlos Santa Rosa.

You're talking about Carlos Santa Rosa.

Famous Mexican retirement.

Are you talking about

Tom Thomas?

You're talking about the famous Sublime song.

Sublime.

So they were heroes of Mexico.

So they were from Long Beach.

And nut on my butt.

Jeez.

And then

fuck my ass.

Damn that.

Not on my butt.

It's one of the best ones.

Put that one up.

Hang that one in the Hall of Fame.

The rafters.

That one got me through Jet Lag.

You did.

I was running.

I was two hours of sleep every night walking around Tokyo in the rain, thinking about eviscerating myself.

And then I would just sing about suck on my dick, fuck my ass, and then nut on my butt cheeks.

Dude, when I was in the shower, and we weren't listening to that song, he came out of no, and I'm just in the shower.

It came to me.

I was like, Thank you, Lord.

You saved us.

I don't even take credit for that one.

That one was given to me by a higher power.

Yeah, no, I mean, that's how God came through you.

There's like a really good interview that actually speaking of Carlos Santana, where he's just like, where it's him and Bob Dylan on tour together in the early 90s.

And every answer to every question, he's like, it's like God comes into me and then he goes into my fingers and he plays the guitar for me.

That rocks.

Yeah, and then every Bob Dylan answer is like, I don't want to be here.

I'm gay.

No, he doesn't talk like that.

I'm fucking gay.

My music sucks damn.

My music's for gay guys who look like me.

Wish they were cool because I'm the one guy who did it.

That's not true.

He has a very diverse audience.

Wrong.

No.

It's basically just Jewish guys.

Everyone that loves Bob Dylan looks exactly like Bob Dylan.

Well, that'd be cool.

He's a good-looking guy.

No, he is not.

Yes, he is.

He's literally just Bob Dylan.

He looks like

a bad guy.

Imagine Bob Dylan working at fucking Radio Shack and thinking anybody goes.

That guy is high.

That's a good looking guy.

I would say.

It wouldn't happen.

I would say, stop talking about Bob Dylan, dude.

Can we just move on?

I'm sorry I brought him up.

Dude, he said the N-word.

That's why he's canceled.

When I got that's why I don't like him.

Yeah, dude.

He's canceled for saying the N-word.

In the hurricane,

where he's trying to free a man.

Yeah.

Oh, he's trying to free a man.

It is funny.

His classic song, Good Job, Katrina.

It is funny.

He really emphasizes the N-word in that song.

I know.

That's why he's canceled.

Yeah, I was watching a Gabriel Iglesia special because

I got a new TV and it was in Ultra HD on Netflix screening.

Streaming and I watched the first 10 minutes because they were like, we have the new Fluffy special in UHD.

And

the beginning of the special, it takes place in Spanish.

That's how people find out he's white.

Yeah.

And watch it.

They're like, wait a minute.

There was just been doing pound face.

There was that picture of Kim Kardashian who had, who's like...

She was like, oh, I'm so pale.

That's why I use body makeup.

She literally just wears a thin layer of black face every day.

Yeah, she makes it looking crazy.

Me, too.

I do, I do, I do tinting.

Yeah, oh, really?

Body makeup.

Yeah, oh, that's funny.

You do very slight black face,

and then you go around, you know, talking to black people.

You're like, what's up, man?

He's like, I'm good.

Why are you smiling so much?

Nothing.

No, don't worry about it.

Why are your lips so red right now?

Why do you keep whispering jackass at the end of every sentence?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm jackass.

Dude, I've been laughing.

This is in my bonus.

This is barely wearing my jackass.

This is secret blackface.

What was that?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

It would be awesome if they did that.

They would just be like, oh, hey, Steve.

Oh, it's Steve-O.

Did you go to the Bahamas or something?

He's like, no.

He's like, no, I was in New Hampshire.

Canvassing for Elizabeth Warren.

Steve-O, big Elizabeth Warren gets to the bottom.

Yeah, homies.

That would be awesome if they just start reaching for celebrities.

They're just getting like the bottom of the barrel now.

Well, they did.

I was in the first two jackass ones.

Actually, my grandmother

sucked myself.

My grandmother would sit me down and say, Liz, you were in the first two jackasses.

And that's what I was raised to believe.

Elizabeth Warren has been endorsed by Rab himself himself.

This bottom barrel jackass guy.

Pardon my family.

My family.

CKY endorsing

who said I was in

Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift.

I was told that by my family.

And do I think it got me the job at Harvard?

Probably not.

Probably they probably weren't just saying we're hiring anyone who was in Tokyo Drift.

It probably had something to do with my ability as a lawyer.

Probably.

But is it funny to say it's because I lied and said I was in Tokyo Drift?

Yes.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Jack Black is a big

yesterday.

What's the other guy?

Where's the guy?

What does a list even look like while she's having sex?

It's probably like,

I'm a mime.

That's my favorite line in

Saving Silverman when I was a kid.

That movie is.

The guy whose girlfriend leaves him for a mime.

Oh, yeah, he's like, dude, what does a mime even look like when he's having sex?

He's probably like,

I'm a mime.

The guy's like, moms don't talk.

He's like, they do when they're having sex.

Dude, I remember being pissed off first.

You know what?

Because I remember thinking, I thought that was so funny.

Yeah.

And then it stopped being funny.

And now that I'm an adult, it's funny.

It's pretty funny.

It's a good movie.

They do when they're having sex.

Yeah, just an idiot who's so caught.

He just doesn't care.

He's just going to keep powering through.

I know that vibe, brother.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

No, I love that movie.

I used to watch that movie like every week.

It was on TV all the time, too, but you didn't have cable.

But it was on Comedy Central during the day all the time.

We rented it from the library.

I was pissed off for Jason Biggs when he ate her pussy and she wouldn't do nothing back.

It's a good movie.

It's also what

as a kid

informed me about the musical stylings of Mr.

Neil Diamond.

Yeah.

He's cooler than Bob Dylan, by the way.

No, they're both cool.

Okay.

They're both cool.

Wow.

Bob Dylan's cooler, but Neil Diamond's also very cool.

Wow.

Gave you the opportunity to stick up for Bob Dylan.

You said he's just as cool as Neil Dylan.

Mob Dylan sucks.

My dick is small.

Fuck Bob Dylan.

Bob Dylan sucks.

You don't actually have to take it.

His dick is small.

You don't have to take such a strong

stand.

Bob Dylan's gay.

Just because I like something.

Just because I like something.

His dick is small as shit.

It's small.

It's small.

It's small.

Well, I heard he's back in the studio, actually.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah, now I want to watch Saving Silverman.

Well, we got to do the stand after.

God bless you, boys.

It's just Arlie Ermy rocks in that movie.

Oh, yeah, isn't he gay with Jack Black?

Yeah, he's like,

I'm like, that's pretty cool.

What happened to the bitch?

And he's like, we ate her.

And he's like, that's smart.

Yeah, then he becomes gay with Jack Black.

That movie is good as fuck.

It's really funny.

Steve Zahn, the big Z, the Zond.

You should get more work, dude.

What was Steve Zahn?

I feel like Zahn was in everything, but I don't think he's got one thing that stands out.

Probably Saving Silverman.

He was in a lot of shit.

He was in a lot of weird movies.

He was a fucking rocks that people forget about is Joyride

with Martin Lawrence.

With Paul Walker, Steve Zahn, and I forget who the girl was.

Yeah.

That movie's great.

I don't know.

That movie's sick.

He did one with Martin Lawrence.

Was it a cop?

They were cops or something?

Yeah, it's called the colour.

It was called from Freshman Year.

Black Cop.

Black Cop, White Cop.

Black Cop, White Cop.

There were so many movies in that era that.

He was at that movie without a paddle that I've never seen, but was also on Comedy Central Every Day.

Undeclared.

Undeclared was a TV show.

Was it?

What am I thinking of you're thinking of the one with Jonah Hill and

no no I know the way he's that it was like it was a pretty funny TV show too no no the one where Jonah Hill's like a hot dog or some shit that's uh with Justin Long no that's that's the one yeah where they make their own college just all the reason undecided or something might be undecided yeah there's a bunch of something else there's a bunch of those like fucking college movies yeah in the road trip fallout someone asked me about my wiener is that what he yells I don't remember Steve Zahn was also in a dramatic movie remember dead Dead Man on Campus?

Yeah, that's older, though.

That is older.

That was so fucking stupid.

If your roommate dies, you get straight A's.

What if your podcast co-host dies, and then you get straight straight?

And then you continue doing the podcast with Shane Gillis.

Wait, is Shane?

Well, we have a list of people that we would add.

I told Thomas.

Thomas who?

From Twitter.

Hold on, let me just pause for a second.

What makes you think you can make any decisions?

I'm friends with him now.

Because after you quit Twitter,

as if if I respect your religion.

I took your friends.

I took your friends after you got kicked off of Twitter.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did.

They see right through it.

Your boys chat.

They just added me.

They see right through it.

They know that.

I'm saying all the stuff Nick would have said.

And, yeah, it's pretty fun, actually.

But they miss you.

I mean, it's not like I'm trying to replace you, but.

Wow, good bit, dude.

Really funny stuff.

Well, at least this wasn't recorded because it's paused.

So we can go.

It's really funny stuff making fun of my Twitter ban.

Not making fun of it, dude.

You know, Nick fucking.

I tweeted hashtag free Nick.

Something as sensitive as that, dude.

You're going to just

mock me for it.

I know you were just kidding when you said you hope everyone dies from coronavirus.

It's clearly a joke.

It shouldn't have been bannable.

Yeah, really funny bringing that up.

Do you even want to go through with the rest of the episode?

Should we even unpause this shit?

I'm sorry for bringing that up.

I'm really tired of this kind of abuse.

Toxicity.

I just want to say sorry.

You are toxic, Adam.

You are that, right?

I'm not toxic.

Not in the fun Britney Spears way either.

No, not toxic.

No, I am a sexual style of toxic.

That's absolutely not.

When you beat me and fuck me in my ass without asking,

that's toxic.

Yeah, you're toxic in that sense.

When you just like me, you know what I mean?

I don't know how the rest of the song goes, something like that.

My pussy.

Dude, I've been laughing all day about what Jonah told us right before the show.

Yeah, that was one of the funniest things I've heard.

It's one of the funnest things.

I wasn't there.

Jonah was like...

Yeah,

in like 2005, I met this guy who was 22 at the time, and his name was Austin Powers.

Holy fucking poor fucking guy, dude.

That's so awesome.

Can you imagine after the first movie comes out?

He's like, all right, another three years.

It'll die down.

No one will remember this movie.

Then a trilogy of films.

And then he's like, all all right like maybe and now 20 years later it's like still oh yeah yeah maybe yeah it's worse now it's probably worse it's worse yeah it's worse because it's like being named austin powers

oh god

that was killing me he's got to change his name

It is such a fun, because I was saying, you know, it's like, if that guy gets pulled over, even if he's never, didn't have a single drop of alcohol, he's getting to do you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, buddy.

Why Why don't you go?

Yeah, him trying to get into any club if he looks sort of young.

All right, you're done.

He's definitely thought of ending it all.

Killing himself because his name is Austin Powers.

He's just, can you imagine?

I think he would think about changing his name before he thought about killing himself.

And he changed his name to Kenny Powers.

That would be cool.

Because he's never seen the show.

Kenny is not.

Kenny's a white trash name.

Yeah, Austin Powers.

Austin Powers is a good.

Take it out of the context of the movie.

How do we get on that?

Oh, Nick, what you were saying about the guy you're abusing.

He used a prank called.

What are you talking about?

Oh, no.

That's how we got it.

He told that story before I told that one.

My dick is small and it smells bad.

Would you please suck my little smelly dick?

I'm gay and I want to have sex.

Austin Powers.

It is funny.

My dick's fucking small.

My

Let's do a power ranking of the bus.

And it was back in the Nextel days, and some like day labor guy's phone started ringing, and Toxic was his ringtone.

That's so sick.

And all these black dudes on the bus started laughing at him, and he didn't understand why he was being laughed at.

It's like, who's all right?

That's so good.

That's so much better than him getting embarrassed and being confused.

It's just like,

hello?

You guys don't listen to the radio.

Yeah.

That was the conversation.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah.

He was counting the three,

saying the name of

the game.

Yeah, hello.

One, two, three, talk hamburger, cheeseburger.

Yep, cowboy,

my dad, my mom.

Where's the bathroom?

Good, good.

Hello.

Oh, fuck.

Anyway,

what are some of your most jacked off to Britney Spears videos?

Well, I remember when she first got the fake titties in the second music video.

For one week.

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide.

Because in

maybe one more time, she had small titties, and then she got them made way too big.

And for that,

she had a white top on.

Yes, and her nipples are poking through, and you can see

around the Grand Canyon and shit.

No, that was she was at like a pier on that one.

Sounds like the one in the Grand Canyon was uh, not yet, not a girl, not yet a woman.

Yeah, I jacked off to that one big time.

Why?

Because you liked the it sucked when we were talking about it.

The concept of a girl becoming a woman, yeah, I was jacking off to female liberation.

Yeah, when we finally saw her pussy, it was all it was in that car picture, true, awful, yeah.

I'm, you know, I'm not wanting to really jack off to pussy.

cool just that we you guys.

I think a pussy is more you put your penis in it.

I thought it was cool when she sucked that guy's dick on the balcony.

Did she do that?

Kevin Federline.

Yeah, they're like on a balcony.

Shout out to Jay Fed.

That guy rules, dude.

He's like

fucking James Woods and Casino.

He's like,

he's like a.

No, he's what.

Adam, mine was better.

He's like a.

Mine's better than Finn.

Whatever you're going to say.

Mine's better.

He's not.

I mean, he's not a pimp.

Mine's better than yours.

All right.

Well, what did you have, Adam?

Go ahead and say.

I was just going to say he's like a 35-year-old wigger that hit the jackpot.

Interesting.

I don't think he's a lot like James Woods in Casino, actually.

I don't know how good that was.

James Woods in Casino is wearing like fishnet tank tops.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you got me there.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you for acknowledging that I got you.

Yeah.

Because I did.

I don't know what's so funny.

Dude, I'm saying something from earlier.

Yeah, I'm remembering a guy I saw.

Yeah, Kayfin fucking rocks, dude.

He does rock.

Remember when he got fat as shit?

Awesome.

Awesome.

All those guys have to do that.

And they still get pussy somehow, probably.

Yeah.

Justin Bieber looks great now, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

Have you seen him?

He looks just like a fucking guy from Hamden.

Yeah.

He just looks like

Life or Baltimore trash.

He's got like neck tats and a police

shirt.

Right, yeah.

And the shitty mustache.

Yeah.

And then he's always smiling, which makes it even better.

So much better.

Right.

Loving life, brother.

Right.

Apparently, he says he's got Lyme's disease, and that's why he looks like that now.

How do you get Lyme disease?

I don't know.

I don't even really know what it is.

You get it from ticks.

A tick sucks your little cock.

Jason Weems had it for a while.

And he has kids and shit.

Where's Jason Weems?

Still in Baltimore.

He's down to B-moor, I guess.

One of the funniest guys out there.

So funny.

Sometimes I suck.

Sometimes I suck.

Yeah, I think it was the I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman video.

In the Canyon?

You jacked off to that one?

Because her abs look good and her titties.

You jack off to abs?

I jack off the abs and titty combo, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, look at this.

Look how good he looks, dude.

He looks like us.

Holy fucking shit.

He looks like Nick, kind of.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He literally looks like Baltimore trash.

Yeah, let me get some pussy hair.

His hair is just bleached for some reason.

Yeah, I'm going to go down to Haas.

Get me some fucking ice creams with my EBT card.

Yeah, I'm going to get some highs.

I'm going to go down to Highs.

You guys remember High's Market?

No, I'm not from Baltimore.

Shut up, dude.

Hold on.

I'm looking at the ball.

You know, I'm not from.

I'm looking up this Britney Spears thing.

Not yet a woman.

Yeah, she's like...

Yeah, it's him and I guess like Shia have been elevated to

I watched Honeyboy.

She's sort of like the Jesus Christ and Muhammad of my personal.

Oh, yeah.

I watched Honeyboy.

Mad Guy.

Oh yeah, this is the one I definitely her abs.

Yep.

Definitely jacked off to that.

You jacked off to it.

Her ass looks really good, too.

Yeah, it looks pretty good.

That's when low-rise jeans were really in.

Oh, I remember.

That's why you had to jack off to whatever was around, dude.

I know.

Because I was jacking off to the little V right before the posting.

Did girls in your school used to to show their thongs in class?

No.

Like when they'd sit down?

Adam saw girls doing that and he didn't understand it was like a gender trend.

No, that's like dad.

Everyone has their thongs showing.

I can't show up to school

on Monday.

I can't show up to school.

I got it.

And he's just, yeah, walking around with his fucking thong.

No, dude, I didn't wait on it.

That's what happened.

No, that's

happened for real.

You didn't do that, dude.

And then everyone was like, what are you doing?

And it happened.

Yeah, that did not happen.

Yeah, that did not happen.

There's another one I'm thinking of, too.

I definitely jacked it up to this one, but there's one that I'm also confusing it with.

I mean, Toxic was the sexy one with the snake.

Honestly, that one was like two on the nose.

Oh, you didn't.

You liked her being a little bit more demure, a little bit more innocent.

Yeah.

That was a song from her movie, Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.

Crossroads

with

R.I.P., Rest in Peace, Britney, Britney Murph, Baby Girl, I Miss You day.

Got fucked by Eminem in the fucking storage room

in the eight-mile.

That's right.

That was good.

And she was the voice of Luann.

Brittany Barfy.

How about that?

Dude, chill out, dude.

Chill out.

You fucking asshole.

Disgusting.

Stop it, dude.

Stop trying to be fucking Ari Shafir all the time, dude.

Dude, do not go Shafir.

Britney Murphy died.

More like Murphy's Law.

Oh, she's being a cunt.

The law is if you're a bitch, you have to die.

It's pretty funny.

Her body's not even cold yet.

Yeah, I think I can't remember because I was living with Cubis when she died, and I think they had like the same birthday.

They were like the exact same age or something.

Oh, wow.

What are the odds?

I know.

He was like, that was clearly like a filing error.

God's made a clerical problem.

Should have been me.

Just sitting there drinking like a fucking 40 at 10 o'clock in the morning.

Hell yeah.

Sometimes I fuck.

Sometimes I suck.

Maybe I did jack off to Lucky.

The Lucky music video.

No.

Lucky from Lucky Charms.

Definitely

the one with Beyonce and

Bonnie and Clyde.

You jacked off to the Jay-Z parts.

No, no, you did.

Obviously,

obviously, the Beyoncé.

Dude, that's pretty gay.

And after that, I'm not.

He's even a good-looking guy, man.

He's an ugly dude.

He doesn't have big lips, though.

If I had to, I could pretend they were a girl's lips.

You would get some.

I'm just saying, isolate Jay-Z's lips, put them on a woman.

It's not the worst.

Oh, baby.

No, I don't want her to have his mannerisms when she gives me head.

Oh, baby.

It's the rock.

I don't want her to say stuff like that.

That's such a good Jay-Z impression.

Thank you.

I got it from aries spears actually that's really good keep doing it shut up nick why are you being mean to me i'm not i'm yeah you are i'm literally gonna have an attitude today it's another attitude day did i say it's another attitude i'm sorry i walked through the door and i knew it was attitude day

maybe maybe tomorrow is not going to be an attitude day but today no i literally said a little bit of tube i said can you that's a really good impression if we're no you said wow adam that's a really good impression or like when you said wow adam that's a really good bit You did your really sarcastic voice.

You know, just what?

Going just by the words he said, though, he's not wrong.

Yeah, come on, dude.

You're what you're doing is you're reading too much into things.

Yeah, you're reading into the subtext.

Dude, you know, I can't stop reading.

You know, the only thing I care about is the show

and the quality of the show.

And I would never do anything to derail

the momentum.

Yeah,

I'm like

a conductor.

Sure, sure, sure.

And I use my pointer to point at you, and I say, now it's your turn.

First chair gay flute.

First chair skin flute.

Skin flute.

Now suck that fucking flute off with your little Jay-Z impression.

And show, yeah, it's your time to shine, baby.

Baby girl.

Skin flute is such a good use.

Skin flute is awesome.

It's such a good word for babies.

Yeah.

That's what I got.

It's got a bunch of dials and buttons on it.

It's a dick cover.

Tags.

Yeah, right.

Skin tags.

Different settings.

Abscesses.

My skin fruit, like...

Indian burns and shit.

My skin flute, like Jethro Toll, baby.

You play the skin flute like Jethro Toll.

I don't play it.

I don't play it, dude.

I don't play it.

That means

good at it.

My dick is like the flute from the guy from Jethro'Toll.

And he doesn't play it all.

I just remembered Indian burns.

It's cool how those work.

Those hurt, dude.

Yeah, until you build up a tolerance.

You got a tolerance for it?

Probably.

Do you Indian burn your own dick?

I did Indian burn my own dick, yeah.

My dick has gotten Indian burned by like

my fucking fucking.

I thought I had

genital herpes.

And I went to the doctor and they said, Liz, this is just Indian burns.

And I said, I had no idea.

That's how I knew I was Cherokee.

And she said, how dare you?

That's offensive.

Yeah.

That term is offensive.

Liz,

my grandma said to me, Liz, you better drink the piss.

And that was in a saying around our house.

You got to drink the piss.

You got to drink the piss.

If you got in trouble, my me-ma had a big old glass of piss that she'd bring out.

She'd microwave it up and get it piping hot, and you'd have to drink that piss all the way down as fast as you could.

And I'd go to school, and my face would be beat red, and they'd call me Tomahawk Liz, the piss drinker.

And that's where, that's where that's from that day on.

I knew I was Indian.

Yo, did you see Joe Biden literally say he's running for Senate?

My man's brain.

He also just completely lied about getting arrested, trying to free New York.

That's awesome, dude.

I love Biden.

I'm back on wanting him.

to.

Now I want him to be president.

Oh, no.

If it's not Bernie, I'm voting for him.

I'm writing in Biden.

The lows, dude.

I love all the fails.

I love the fails.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Can I get one of those plantain chips, dude?

No, dude, they're for me.

I just want to

get a sandwich.

I love you in plantain chips.

Can I get a bite of the sandwich?

I can't wait to vote for Michael Boomberg.

I can't wait to get a Stanberg chip.

They definitely.

Oh, fuck.

Should we.

Yeah, Stanberger.

I can't wait to vote for it.

I think I want the president to be a witch guy.

I think the president should be witch.

Nice advice.

Very good move, dude.

Not even barely contributing to the show, and then getting up to make yourself snacks.

What did you say?

Barely contributing.

Yeah, literally not contributing.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Damn.

Damn.

See, none of this would have happened if you just continued doing that beautiful Jay-Z Jay-Z impression.

Like he asked.

Like I ask.

There we go.

It's the rock.

It's the rock.

Thank you.

That's really good.

Thanks, bro.

Thanks, Stavros, for the positive reinforcement.

You should do a whole song.

Plantain chips are good, huh?

Yeah.

I like the lime.

I like the lime or the garlic.

I wish there were one that they mixed it, made it lime and garlic.

The garlic.

The garlic.

I love putting garlic in my ass.

I put the garlic inside of my house.

That way, the gay vampires cannot fuck me in the ass.

They can't fuck me.

Keep your homosexual

vampire dick.

What do you guys know about Piccadilly Circus?

In London?

Yeah.

It's like a circle.

Is that it?

Yeah, it's like a big circus.

It's not actually a circus.

What?

Yeah, it's a traffic circle.

Are you serious?

You should start dressing like a clown.

I feel like the clothes would be comfortable for you.

The clothes, honestly, in terms of fit, look awesome.

Yeah, like a onesie, like a big collar.

Yeah, you know,

real loose with big soft buttons.

Nice, yeah, nice, fucking, loose, fucking

tapered pants.

Yeah, ruffled sleeves.

Love a ruffled sleeve.

You would look good as a clown, dude.

I would.

I honestly would, and thank you for that.

Little, like, derby hat with a flower on it.

We should start dressing like clowns.

I'm going to be a vest clown.

One of the ones that's got a little vest.

I definitely want a big, balding, curly red wig, though.

I would need to be a wig clown.

Oh, on the sides?

Yeah, on the sides.

Yeah.

But I would want it to be balding.

I don't want to, you know.

Maybe I should make my beard clown colors.

Yes.

Like rainbow.

When we go to Australia.

Birthday cake beard.

That would be nice.

When we go to Australia, we should just dress as clowns for every live podcast and never explain it.

No, we should tell them that's American style now.

Yeah.

New York style.

New York style.

They can't talk shit to us here.

They don't live in New York.

I might become so opposed to comedy that I just get into being a clown instead.

That would be awesome.

I remember one time when I was young.

Literally become the Joker.

Oh, dude.

Hell yeah.

Hell yes, dude.

Joaquin.

They're going to make another one of those?

Yeah, they're making a girl version.

All the girls are like, no one's going to see Joker.

It's going to be bad.

And then then people are going to go see it and they're like, it's dangerous.

We have to cancel the movie before there's going to be a kind of do want to see the woman when it does well.

And they're like, well, then

we need to have a girl Joker.

That one looks good.

Yeah, but no one's going to see it.

It's going to do bad.

The words of prayer?

It's not doing well.

Dudes Rock.

But I do want to see it.

I heard

it's pretty fun.

I'm about to go.

Maybe I'll go see it this week.

Fellas, what part of Dudes Rock, don't you understand?

I don't have any,

we're not doing promo for the girl Joker.

Okay, I'm sorry.

No,

you're right you're right i might go see it i'll only do promo for my show in phoenix next week

adam will force himself to see the girl joker to impress girls

like i thought it was better than the guy joker i actually thought it was better it was amazing i'll tell you i'm not like that with girls anymore

you know that nick i don't know it dude i know you know that i don't keep abreast of your situation how you are with girls i don't i really don't i don't say that kind of stuff to girls anymore You start talking about girls, and I just start thinking about tools.

I was a zone out.

No, you don't.

That's not true.

That's thinking of a miter saw right now.

I'm thinking of all kinds of different tools I could use to build a better world for the people who come next.

I'm not thinking about such immediate pleasures and trials and tribulations.

Yeah.

I'm thinking about what am I going to do?

How am I going to improve mass transit?

And I'm thinking about getting top.

Yeah.

I'm thinking about

when all the Chinese migrants come over here and they understand how voting works and they finally figure out that they're allowed to vote.

Because that's the other thing people don't understand.

There's actually 18 million people living in Chinatown.

But only

like seven of them, you know,

understand the concept.

Fill out the census.

And so the city has to estimate.

They think the population in New York is like fucking, what, 10 million?

But it's actually somewhere close to 28 million.

1.2 billion people.

Wow.

And they're all Chinese.

I did not know that.

That is actually news to me.

Once they realize their political potential, it's over for the rest of us.

I'm going to go down there and I'm going to do new.

You're going to organize.

Yeah, we're calling it Ting Tammany.

And it's the new Tammany.

You're going to be like the president of the.

Don't you think they would prefer a Chinese president?

No, no, they prefer Nick.

They need Irish guys to show them how to be corrupt a fun way.

Yeah, Nick's going to shave his beard just to be like two long hairs on either side of his beard.

No, I'm going to say exactly the same.

No, no, I think you're going to

have a stovepipe hat.

Okay, yes.

Just going around, twirling a cane around, speaking Chinese to the locals.

I'm like, we're going to look at it.

Full suit stovepipe hat.

We're going to bust you all down to the polls.

You're going to vote multiple times.

They won't be able to tell the difference.

They won't be able to tell the difference, man.

Ting-tammin.

That's smart.

Using Western racism or Eastern Western racism.

Yeah, you're going to pay him to vote.

Actually, Actually, apparently, Bloomberg is kind of doing that right now.

He's giving people free food and stuff.

In North Carolina, he's like giving people barbecue and stuff and macaroni and cheese.

And people are eating it.

We're getting people macaroni and cheese, and they love macaroni and cheese.

I got to listen to how he sounds.

I feel like I could do him.

No, it's like lazier.

No, that just sounds like you.

No, that's not true, Nick.

Wait, would you just do it again?

Because that's good.

No, it's like, I worked hard for my money, and that's how I got it.

Okay, when are you going to start doing the impression?

That's not how I sound, dude.

Oh, that's pretty.

That's a good Bloomberg.

I'm not doing Bloomberg.

I'm doing my regular voice.

That's really good Bloomberg.

I've built companies and I'm giving

my money away.

Go back to doing the voice.

No, that's...

Come on, dude.

Give me one.

Give me one, Nick.

I use the computer all of the time to look at child pornography.

I know how to use the computer.

That's not Bloomberg.

I got to listen no more.

But here's the thing.

Impressions Adam can do.

zero.

I can do impressions.

Jay-Z, come on.

You can do impressions.

You can do Jay-Z.

Give him Jay-Z.

No, I stole that from Ares Spears.

No.

What?

Did you ever see him do a freestyle?

I don't rap.

I opened the maze.

I don't do impression.

I've never done a Jay-Z impression.

I'm not sure.

Aries Spears, you said I stole all my impressions from you, and clearly you've never done a Jay-Z impression.

I've never done it.

I opened for him at the Baltimore Comedy Factory like nine years ago, and it's literally the hardest I've ever seen anyone crush in my life.

He's so talented.

And it was like he was just calling people gay and

doing DMX.

That's the thing, man.

It's like all of these idiots got into comedy thinking it's like it requires being capable of thinking at all.

No, it doesn't.

It requires one thing: being funny, which you're not.

Not only could it like it was so funny because he clearly wouldn't go, he wouldn't leave, he wouldn't, you know,

what's the word I'm looking for

when it's to get away from something, flee, no,

Depart.

No, fuck.

Abscond?

Not closer.

You're closer, though.

He wouldn't abscond?

He wouldn't.

It's kind of like, fuck, look at my hand.

On the lamb.

Circumvent.

No, fuck.

Oh, my God.

I'm so stupid.

There's a word in my head.

It means escape.

Not quite.

Like, deviate.

Deviate, yeah.

He wouldn't deviate from his setting.

That means escape.

Yep, that's definitely a he wouldn't deviate at all because

he was running like the shows.

They asked him to cut his time by five minutes, and he just never would.

He just did everything verbatim the exact same way every single time, and I respected it, including the crowd work calling somebody gay.

In which he said, if you can take a dick, you can take a joke.

Anytime a gay person was mad at his homophobic jokes, and it crushed.

Yeah,

everybody beat up that gay man.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

All right, Peter the Legend.

The best.

The young legend

rip my ass open.

Hey, come see me in Phoenix next Thursday, the 5th.

The Valley of the Sun.

And then Tucson on the 6th at 191 Tool.

Have you been to Tucson?

Also, I'll be on tour.

If you go to bandsintown.com/slash Nick Mullen, you can buy tickets.

Louisville, Nashville, Chicago, Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis,

Pussyville,

USA.

Something in Ohio.

I can't remember.

Columbia.

I used to get it in Ohio.

Cameron.

Yeah, go see Nick.

He's in Youngstown, Ohio.

Stopping that boys.

Young boys town.

He's in Sandusky, Ohio.

Suck Dixki, Ohio.

He's in Dayton.

I used to get it in Ohio.

That's a good-ass song.

Damn.

I would love to just cave my own skull in with a hammer.

Why?

Why, no.

Oh, I don't know.

I just thought about it for a second.

No, you wouldn't.

That would hurt.

It would hurt, but it would be brutal.

Which is bad.

That's how I would think.

I returned the Valhalla.

You were never in the house.

I just go to a precipice.

That's not a hero's death.

I go to a precipice and I cave my own skull in with a hammer.

Nah, they won't put you in Valhalla.

Yes, they will.

Yes, they will.

No.

Yes, they will.

No, they won't, dude.

Yes, they won't.

Not for that.

You're not even Norse.

Yes, they will.

You're not even from Northern Europe.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

You're some sort of Irish.

That's Northern Europe.

So that's not Northern Europe.

It's literally Northern Europe.

No, it's not.

It's literally not.

What is it, Western Europe?

Northwestern Europe.

No, it's the part of the Isles.

The Isle of Man.

That's part of Northern Europe, you fucking idiot.

Ireland is not part of Northern Europe.

No, no, no, Ireland is part of Southern Europe.

No, Northern Europe is Scandinavia.

Scandinavia is Scandinavia.

That is Scandinavia and Northern Europe are interchangeable terms.

It's not Southern Europe.

Don't fucking start with me in geography.

Let's see what.

Oh, is that your topic?

Ireland is.

Oh, my God.

I was with you until you said, don't start with me in geography.

I was on your side.

And then you said that very gayly.

Well, no, Nick just said it with that smug.

Let the adults decide, kind of look.

I just Googled Northern Europe.

Okay?

Yes.

Thank you.

Which countries are in Northern Europe?

Not Ireland.

Denmark, Estonia, Finland.

Okay, so the Latvia.

So the Baltic states and fucking

Baltic states are not Scandinavia.

And Scandinavia.

So you just said Scandinavia was synonymous with Northern Europe.

It's often referred to as Northern Aviation.

But not Ireland.

Sweden?

Where's Ireland then?

You never said Ireland was in fucking Scandinavia.

You said Northern Europe.

And it's not.

If your options are northern or southern Europe.

No one has ever referred to Ireland as Northern Europe or part of northern Europe.

Northwestern European countries.

No one says northwestern.

That's not a thing.

Yes, they do.

You have to give a direction.

Don't say that.

If somebody said, where in Europe is fucking Ireland?

You would say it's a northwestern European country.

Okay, if people say the Midwest, it's not actually in the Middle West.

That's just a term that people use.

Here's another thing.

The Midwest is actually in the Middle East of America.

The Northern and Western Europe region includes economies from Northern Europe.

Ooh, this IUPUI.edu.

Geography, Ireland, Wikipedia, location, Northwestern Europe.

So let's see this.

Not Western Europe.

That's not a term that people use.

Region of Europe overlapping Northern and Western Europe.

Ireland is all part of Northern Europe.

Western Europe is Austria, France, Germany, the Netherlands, and Switzerland.

Northern, this one says Denmark, Finland, Ireland, Norway, Sweden, and the UK.

That's bullshit.

That's what I, the University of Indiana P UI.

Northern Europe might be defined roughly to include some of the following areas: British Isles, Fenoscandia, the peninsula of Jutland, or Jutland, and the Baltic plain that lies to the east and the many islands that lie offshore from the mainland Northern Europe and the main European areas.

It's the Baltics and European.

In some cases, no.

Here you go.

Here's Northern Europe, the Wikipedia page.

That's not Ireland, that's Iceland.

Northern Europe.

Stop.

Just go to

the Northern Europe Wikipedia page.

That's where I'm at.

All you have to do is scroll down the geography, and it says the British Isles.

It's not Northern Europe.

People don't call it that.

It's here, right here.

No one calls it that.

Here's Wikipedia, including it.

Okay, well, let's leave it up to the fans to decide

because they are the smartest people I've ever met.

Historically, when Europe was dominated by the Roman Empire, everything not near the Mediterranean region was termed Northern Europe.

Okay, that's

2,000 years ago.

That's a citation needed, including.

And there's no citation.

Look, I think you're both wrong.

Okay, very solomonic, very solomonic stuff.

That's what I am saying.

Well, here's the thing: the statement I said is that Ireland is in Northern Europe.

He said that's wrong.

And then he said that Northern Europe is synonymous with Scandinavia.

Often times.

Which has been proven to be outright incorrect.

So Adam.

In my head, I would have actually assumed he was right until the proof.

Adam was the only one that was explicitly, completely wrong.

You're explicitly wrong by saying that Ireland is Northern Europe.

No, I've demonstrated that it is not inaccurate to distinguish it.

I would say that it's not.

I wouldn't.

There's an argument to be made that it is,

but that it's not.

I wouldn't necessarily

say you're not Scandinavian, which is what you meant, but you said Northern European, which includes you opened up the door for him to sneak his little way in.

And once again, you were wrong.

No, you're.

And now he gets into Valhalla because of the camera.

And now I get to cave myself.

You're not in the hammer.

You're not

right back, right in the

right in there.

Nick is not Norse.

Norse is a religion.

Anyone can be Norse.

You're not Norse.

You can just decide to be Norse.

Right now I'm Norse.

I've decided I'm Norse.

I've embraced it.

No, you're culturally appropriating it with your beard.

There's no such culturally appropriation.

Cultural appropriation is the thing black people came up with.

That's not true.

It's a thing for blacks and Indians.

No, it's a thing that white people made up for black women.

For black women to

black women to talk about.

That's very funny, Nick.

Yeah, well, I'll see you on the

press.

I'll see you in court.

Caving my skull.

I'll see you in court.

I'm not going to Valhalla, dude.

I'm going to Mount Olympus, dude.

Fuck, where am I going?

Hell?

No, Jews don't have hell.

I know.

You're going to Galhal, huh?

It's a ladies' bathroom with the gossip about the guys you're on dates with.

Well, I'm like, we all have to go to the bathroom together.

Well, it's going to be me for eternity.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm going to be hanging out with chicks.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, talking about guys, not talking about guys, just hanging out with them.

No,

no, because it's cool to have female friends.

All my Vikings laughing while living in eternal pain, like we like, like we want

to have our organs ripped out of our bodies and set on fire.

I'm having ambrosia and getting my dick sucked by

the woman.

Harpies type bitches.

Yeah.

Half women, half fucking falcons.

Falcons with big-ass titties and nice lit, fat lips like Jay-Z.

As Europeans,

we have a rich, like, you know, kind of pagan history.

Absolutely.

And Adam has none of that.

They only ever had one god.

They're like, oh, that's true.

Jews really had no fucking

imagination.

What's wrong with monotheism?

It fucking sucks.

Yeah.

It's not cool.

Your gods don't pretend like fuck bulls and cows.

Our one god gets very jealous whenever we're not.

Yeah, he's a little bitch.

Unlike Zeus is out there getting pussy nonstop.

Our god is just smiting people for being rude,

for being disrespectful.

Yeah, and he's like killing people that are fucking and sucking in the towers of Babel or whatever the fuck.

Of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Yeah.

And all those people were doing were fucking each other in the ass.

And that's that big a fucking deal and sucking each other's cocks.

No.

That's kind of cool, actually, compared to what the fucking Jews were doing.

All their fucking boring rules, not giving

the Castro District, San Francisco.

Yeah, dude.

Sodom and Gomorrah sounds fucking awesome.

Yeah, it was like the bathroom at Brown.

You know, they were giving head easy over there.

You know, there was a human toilet guy who just had his mouth.

I'm not interested in that.

I'm just saying there's lots of fun over there.

Sounds like the bitchesman.

The bitchesman.

That's right.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for reminding me.

Etofaketo pustitonadam.

Did you just curse him in?

I called you a homosexual.

I heard you're some kind of Greek homosexual.

Et the faceto bustet on Adam.

Yeah, this guy Ace was going to Greece and he was sucking guys off for practice.

You're spending fucking $6,000 a year on airfare just to go to Greece to practice sucking guys off.

But that's how Ace was, crazy Jew fuck.

I just like that you're calling me Ace, honestly.

The character is.

The character's name is Ace.

The bitchesman?

Yeah.

So it's not me, it's someone else.

It's you in the movie The Irishman, but you're the bitchessman.

And Joe Pesci's character is now Nikki from Casino.

Yeah.

And Ace, which it is, yeah.

I'm Ace Rossin.

I'm fucking the Bobby De Niro.

I'm fucking cool, dude.

No.

I'm one of the.

fucking Bobby D.

I'm a Throst dude.

I have my own talk show on this trip.

I got my gaming license revoked.

I'm taking on the government.

I'm married to well, actually.

He's dragging someone in the back, and Adam's like, come here, see this?

You see this?

Let me show you something right now.

And he just pulls his pants down and sits on a side beam.

The guy's like, Please stop.

He's like, I'm coming right now.

You want to watch me fucking come?

You tell your friends.

You did this in the wrong fucking place.

He's like, I'm sorry, just I don't want to watch anymore.

I'm married to a woman who I give jewels and furs to, even though she's still in love with her pimp ex-boy.

Come on, man.

That hits a little too close to home, all right?

Don't be, don't be sucking.

What are you talking about?

Don't be sucking my dick.

I forget how it would happen in casinos.

James Woods has tank tops.

Yeah, James Woods is like the pimp boyfriend of Sharon Stone's character.

Oh, I thought, doesn't Joe Pesci fuck her also?

Joe Pesci also.

Joe Pesci gets head from her.

No, that's the most violent way.

They start fucking regularly, and she's fucking him so that he'll kill Ace.

Yeah.

And then she shows up and she's like.

Ginger is a fucking evil character.

Yeah, she's like.

She's great.

Whores.

You know, she's like,

can you just kill him?

He's like, you think I'm going to kill this fucker for some dumb whore?

And then she gets all mad.

That's awesome.

Damn, I gotta rewatch Casino.

It's it's better than Goodfellows.

Whoa, it's it could be the best.

I re-watched both of them recently, and Casino is by far.

You know what I mean?

I think it is better.

It's weird because I remember when I was in my late teens, I had a copy of Casino and it didn't have Goodfellows.

And I rewatched Casino all the time, and I was always like, Man, I should get Goodfellows because it's better, right?

But I never did, and then I didn't watch Goodfellows again until recently, and it's like, it's not, it's fine.

No, Goodfellows rocks, but I would say.

When was the last time you've seen Goodfellows?

Two years ago.

Really?

Yeah.

I was like bored by it.

No.

Not the beginning.

After the time jump, they lose me a little bit.

I'm telling you, I was bored by it.

But maybe it's because I saw Goodfellows a billion times.

I was like, fucking.

But I mean, I've seen Casino a lot, too.

It holds up.

And Casino's just, yeah.

They both hold up.

It's so good.

Like, you hold my nuts up in your mouth.

I've never done that.

Sometimes.

That's slanderous.

You've done it.

You've done it.

No, I haven't done that.

Um, yeah.

No.

Yeah, actually, you have.

You're still not on night mode on your phone?

No.

That's what I respect on that, honestly.

I'm an old f old school type of guy.

I'm on night mode, but it's all just, like, in old English and all the user Vs.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, there's a lot of like Roman heraldry.

Yeah.

Dude, I wanna I wish I could go back in time and listen to old motherfuckers from like before English was a language talking to each other.

Fe de fit.

Shit like that.

Because nobody had teeth.

That's true.

God, everybody must have smelled horrible, too.

Yeah.

Damn, the pussy must have been bad.

Pussy was bad.

Old English pussy was probably so bad.

Damn.

That's why people got married because it was so disgusting.

Yes.

Here we belong,

fighting to survive in a war with the darkest power.

Thank you for listening to Come Town.

This is the last episode we're ever going to do.

We're going to go see.

Come see me in Phoenix next week.

Stand up live in Phoenix.

And here we are

with the princes of the universe.

Here we belong.

I am immortal,

I have inside the blood of kings.

I have no rival, no man can be my equal.

Take me to the future of you all.

Just doing that every show.

Okay, also, guys,

also, guys,

April, we're coming to Australia.

Come town.event.

We got shows in Perth, Brisbane, Melbourne, other fucking cities there.

And we're also doing solo shows at the Melbourne.

The Maya

Common Festival.

And we're going to be at Stalactites.

We're going to be at Jimmy's.

We're going to be getting some Euros at Stalactites.

And so, yeah, and also, guys, if you like the podcast and you want twice as many episodes,

go to patreon.com slash come town

and you have an access to the entire backlog.

Okay, well, Mick, I was trying to help the show out because that's how we make money for the show.

All right.

Patreon.com slash come town.

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